u/littlemyattitude

I (29F) started suspecting CSA a couple years ago and got some memories back a year ago. I feel there is more than I remember lurking under the surface but I cannot reach them yet. Me and my therapist think the memories are somatic and fragmented at least partly because of young age and the perpetrator being the primary caregiver.

When I was around 20 I tried dating twice. I got triggered if things got past kissing and I felt any arousal and just escaped the situation (locked myself into the bathroom and masturbated the same way I have done since I was a child). I had no idea why I reacted like this and even writing about it now feels embarrassing. The people I dated were understanding about the whole thing and never pressured me. Still knowing that I would need to have sex at some point made me so anxious I couldn't continue the relationships. Unfortunately I was raped and humiliated shortly after and have stayed away from intimacy ever since (7 years now).

When I was 8 yo I had compulsive masturbation (a form of hypersexuality?). I didn't understand what I was doing was sexual. Any physical stimulation, like sitting on a chair, could trigger it and I would do it in public too.

The problem seems to be that arousal itself is the trigger. Arousal feels very uncomfortable and the compulsion seems like the only way to numb it out. If I try to explore new ways by myself, when I get aroused I just do the same compulsive thing I have always done because I just can't stand the feeling. I don't enjoy it, it's just something I have to do, it makes me numb and I continue until I am able to stop. It's not pleasurable and I feel ashamed during and afterwards. It doesn't feel sexual, more like a chore I just want to be done with, I think about very mundane things. Another thing that doesn't seem "normal" is that I need to finish multiple times until I can stop. Sometimes it takes a while and I just feel trapped, exhausted, and miserable.

These days I just avoid getting aroused so I don't have to deal with this problem. I feel like this is preventing me from getting new more healthy experiences, even by myself let alone with someone else. Do you think this is related to the CSA? Does anyone else experience something similar? Why do you think it is this way? Have you found anything that works for you? Thanks for reading.

I was raped a few years ago by a stranger and repressed the memory. I remembered it a year ago and had processed it pretty well. A while ago I realized that he did something very humiliating during the rape that I had not realized at the time.

I have been pretty upset about this for a few days and feeling ill. I just feel like I am not a human being anymore. I know what he did says a lot more about him than me, he has probably done the same to a lot of girls and it was nothing personal. Still I have this nagging feeling that he saw something in me and that's why he did it. That he saw "what I am" and that's why what he did was "right". I know it's not true but it doesn't change the feeling. I talked about this in therapy today and my therapist was very kind and emphatic as always but seemed a bit unsettled by this. I feel like she doesn't see "the real me" that the rapist saw and nothing she says feels true, it just makes me feel like I have deceived her in some way and that's why she is being kind to me.

Does anyone relate? Does this make any sense? I know this is a phase and will pass and is probably related to shame. But I just can't help feeling like what he did was "right" for the "real me" that "only he saw" even though I know I am a lot better person than he could ever be

Made a throwaway account because it's a sensitive topic. Tw rape, csa, anal insertions, gross stuff

I'll try to keep this short. Starting at latest when I was 4 yo my mom did these "treatments" to my anus. They were a regular thing until I started school. At least some of the treatments she said we're for pinworms but as an adult I think that was an excuse. I never saw what was happening and am still confused. I used to think this was normal and recently realized it was csa. My mom also did some other really weird things that now look like abuse.

I was positioned head, chest and knees on the mattress and butt up. We were on my mom's bed and I don't remember using the toilet after or there ever being any kind of mess or water. In the beginning I would feel this scratching feeling, like nails scratching the insides and I imagined she was scratching the worms from the intestines. Then I would feel an intense feeling of fullness slowly proceed and fill me up so that it was hard to breathe. Sometimes it felt like the feeling of fullness spread to my whole body and if I managed to relax it felt good. I used to imagine these "big air bubbles" pushing forward in me and remember thinking "I am being filled" as a child. As the treatment progressed my mom would push my butt forward and push me harder against the mattress so that I couldn't breathe. She would also do this if I spoke, moved, or didn't relax properly. At some point she would change the position quickly, push my butt up and forward and this would hurt really really bad. It felt like imploding and there was no room for breathing. It was the worst pain I have ever felt and even now thinking about it makes me ill. Does anyone have any idea what happened here?

The treatment could go "well" and I would be pain free after that and able to walk to my room no problem. But sometimes it went wrong and it felt like something was stuck inside me in a painful angle. I would lay on my side unable to breathe normally because the movement hurt so much. My mom would get annoyed that I didn't go to my room. The only thing that helped was movement and usually after a couple of steps something "clicked" inside and the pain disappeared. Sometimes it took longer to disappear and I was not able to walk normally but would have legs spread to the sides and look embarrassing. I remember sometimes after the "treatment" I would lay in my bed on my side and my anus would stay open. I could feel the air move in and out freely as I breathed and it felt really disturbing. I used to put my hand on my anus to block out the air flow.

As an adult I was violently anally raped. During the rape I had this intense feeling of being full. I remembered feeling the same during the "treatments" when I was a kid. I realized that I was probably anally penetrated with something more than fingers and was pretty upset about this.

I had bad constipation as a kid. When I was 6 my mom suggested I used the bidet to help myself and told me that even when I was a baby she helped me poop with water. She said that when she was washing me that's when the real poop came out. That every time she thought that was all there would be more coming out. That makes me think if she did something to stimulate the poop out and that's why I haven't been able to poop without the bidet.

I am in therapy and doing well these days. There aren't many places where I could ask these things and some people on the CPTSD sub suggested these sensations could be caused by an enema. I never saw what was being done to me and would appreciate your opinion/experience. Thanks.

Made a throwaway account because it's a sensitive topic. Tw rape, csa, anal insertions, gross stuff

I'll try to keep this short. I have many questions about anal penetration. I have never had consentual sex so I need a little perspective of how things normally work.

Starting when I was 4 yo my mom did these "treatments" to my anus. I never saw what was happening but I thought she was scratching my insides with her nails. I would get feelings of intense fullness and actively try to relax to help with that and pain. I used to think this was normal and recently realized it was csa.

As an adult I was violently raped anally. He pushed his penis in causing a tear and just kept it there balls deep. I tried to "poop" it out (obviously failing). He just stayed still inside me without moving for a long time. Why? There was no thrusting. At some point he tried pulling his penis back but it felt like my anus pulled it back in with force. Does anyone know what this was about? After some time he let me go. I didn't feel him finish inside, would I have felt it if he had? When I went to the toilet I had a huge bloody poop, I don't remember seeing cum, would I have seen it if was there? My anus kept bleeding for a week after that.

During the rape I had this intense feeling of being full. I remembered feeling the same during the "treatments" when I was a kid. I realized that I was probably anally penetrated with something more than fingers and was pretty upset about this. I became obsessed with figuring out what exactly was done to me and tried experimenting what object would cause the same kind of sensation that I remembered.

I have never had consentual sex or penetrated myself. Logically I thought my anus would be quite sensitive and tried inserting a small carrot with a condom on it. My anus "sucked it in" and I could no longer reach it. I was fortunately able to push it out. Then I inserted a banana without lube, it went in easily and I didn't feel much of anything. I tried larger objects wanting to find out what would cause the feeling I remembered. I ended up pushing in 40 cm of mop handle without lube before it started hurting. I could touch the end of the mop handle on my stomach below my ribs. Then I realized everything is not working normally and quit experimenting.

I have done some research and usually people need to stretch their anus to be able to fit things. I had not practiced and those items fit without lube and without pain. I have had that one anal rape as an adult and some kind of "treatments" as a child. My question is if this can still be normal with no practice or if it's likely that my anus was stretched with objects when I was a child.

One more question about the "treatments" as a child. I was positioned head, chest and knees on the mattress and butt up. As the treatment progressed my mom would push my butt forward and push me harder against the mattress. She would also do this if I spoke, moved, or didn't relax properly. In the beginning I would feel this scratching feeling, like nails scratching the insides. Then I would feel the feeling of fullness. At some point she would change the position quickly, push my butt up and forward and this would hurt really bad. It felt like imploding and there was no room for breathing. It was the worst pain I have ever felt. Does anyone have any idea what happened here?

I am in therapy and doing well these days. There aren't many places where I could ask these things as my therapist or doctor aren't really experts of the details of anal penetration. I never saw what was being done to me and would appreciate the opinion of someone who knows more about how this stuff works. Thanks.