u/Some_Difficulty681

I’m finally planning to leave my fiancé, I have my bag packs and it’s sitting next to my desk at work with clothes, laptop and ID and some documents I need to keep on me.
It doesn’t feel real and I feel like I’ve passed the point of no return, I can’t go back to pretending it’s all okay and nothings wrong despite lying to my fiancé over the phone while she’s at work.

I’m going to stay at my families place for a bit and spend tomorrow planning how to meet her in person and call off the wedding and break up. I’m more worried she might end up trying to kill herself more than anything. Maybe my stuff gets trashed and destroyed or maybe she just changes the locks on me. Either way I’m finally calling this off now.
And that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m wrong that I haven’t made enough improvements, and I caused problems, and I did all this. Well I’m doing it now.

Wish me luck in the following days, I’m uprooting my whole future with someone I love knowing it’ll just hurt if I stay.

I’m finally planning to leave my fiancé, I have my bag packs and it’s sitting next to my desk at work with clothes, laptop and ID and some documents I need to keep on me.
It doesn’t feel real and I feel like I’ve passed the point of no return, I can’t go back to pretending it’s all okay and nothings wrong despite lying to my fiancé over the phone while she’s at work.

I’m going to stay at my families place for a bit and spend tomorrow planning how to meet her in person and call off the wedding and break up. I’m more worried she might end up trying to kill herself more than anything. Maybe my stuff gets trashed and destroyed or maybe she just changes the locks on me. Either way I’m finally calling this off now.
And that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m wrong that I haven’t made enough improvements, and I caused problems, and I did all this. Well I’m doing it now.

Wish me luck in the following days, I’m uprooting my whole future with someone I love knowing it’ll just hurt if I stay.

Sorry I just need a big vent and post.

I’ve been planning on leaving my fiancé for a few months now and have reached out to some DV help, it’ll take them 2 months to get me a caseworker Wich puts me very cleanse to my lease resigning date.

It’s just been hard as they’re planning a wedding in 2 years while I’m trying to save up and escape, and now they’re pressuring me to pay back on their joint credit card they used for everything racking up thousands on bills, payments and deposits for stuff we both need and didn’t need. All while punishing me for last 6 months into getting groceries, always sending me to grab them after work and still not recognising I’ve done my time (for first 6 months moving in together I was part time looking for a full time job and couldn’t afford groceries, so I felt it was fair I’d catch up but now we’re going beyond that time frame ever since I got my FT job).

Any attempts to play games or just do anything result in a meltdown about me not paying attention to them and how I don’t care about them ect, I now no longer get to enjoy anything without them or things I want as to not set off another meltdown. Sometimes it doesn’t matter they still will.

My emergency money is being targeted as they’ve saved heaps over 6months now and expect me to 50/50 everything while I cook, clean and work full time and spend money on things they want to do and our wedding stuff. I don’t know how much longer I can take from all of this as I’m so exhausted I can’t even fight back and get them to see how unfair it all is.
So I’ve just been planning on leaving and making sure they don’t hurt or end themsleves when that time comes or at least planning for that risk. I can’t wait to come home to a couple of roomates, have a shower and dinner and relax without being expected to give all my attention all night and tiptoeing around bad days and explosive meltdowns regardless if it’s me or life causing it or not.

TLDR down the bottom.

I had recently gotten them to cut down on drinking a couple weeks ago to just weekends, well the next week they used they’re midweek day off work to excuse drinking again a bit and I didn’t even know how to handle that, than this week same story they bought a bottle of vodka as usual and poured a drink.

Only that later in the night they told me they were tipping them down the sink when I wasn’t looking to test me, as they have bad late night spirals they attribute to “calling me out” for not being supportive and caring (that is beyond what I can even do at times with theyre CPTSD and other issues).

It just hurt a lot to be lied to and tricked like that, I know they’re going to spiral with or without the drink and that drinking tends to make it worse for them and I explained that, they acted like they had this big “gotcha” moment when they told me
And it just hurt, I’ve tried to be supportive and caring as much as I can around they’re triggers and issues, and I don’t understand how they’re logic of me thinking the drinking is the root problem when I’m fully aware it’s not, just that it’s a coping mechanism for said problems. I’m at work the next day just feeling…lost and confused by this, hell even as they made a drink after that and tried to make me play board games at midnight they spiralled hard when I said I had to go to bed for work in the morning.

TLDR: my Q was pouring drinks down the drain behind my back to have a “gotcha” moment about our relationship and thinking I blame
The bottle more than their mental health issues and our relationship.

At this point idk if it counts as a relapse but they lasted a week only going for it on weekends, yesterday they got a new bottle and I didn’t know how to respond or bring up last nights drinking, they were upset from friends cancelling flying over for our wedding in 2 years and have Wednesdays off work. We never really agreed if it’s ok for them to have any drinks on they’re night off work. It just worries me that they’ll start up again after bad days from work and slowly creep back into weekday drinking again.

After preparing myself last night I finally got to sit down with my partner about the topic and discuss it with them, they acknowledged it has been growing problem since we moved in together 9 months ago and have decided to cut down to drinking on weekends.
Honestly I know to temper my expectations but it felt like I’ve been in a dark despair of a cave trying to light a fire and today I got a spark.
I know it can always creep back in and relapse and I’ve told them I’ll let them know if I notice it again and that if it does they need to get professional help for it.

A part of me feels like it’s the bare minimum to just finally talk about it and between the CPTSD and other issues they need therapy and much more work to keep going, part of me just wants to be glad that small progress has been made however.

I’m still anxious about our wedding in 2 years and my therapist is worried for my situation currently.
I’m just ever so hopeful that this is the start of some good changes in our relationship over the coming months so I can see if it’s worth staying with them or if it’s better to leave.

Last night they came home from work picked up they’re half drunk glass from the night before when they were drunk and Whent to refill it, I asked if we could talk about the night before and instead they just hugged me and told me “it’s okay I’m sorry” every time I we t to bring it up to talk they just shut it down…so I just told them we’ll talk later if they want. And I know later will just be a can kicked down the road until the next drunken spiral, until the next blow up and and the next bottle. I think they know how bad it is and don’t want to acknowledge it truly, and I’m at a loss for how to move forward. I don’t want to go through with the wedding with these issues and other ones in our relationship and I don’t want to watch them drink themselves to death at this rate.

For context I met them about 2 years ago and in that time I found out they had a diagnosis for BPD that they disagree with, serious CPTSD from an abusive alcoholic father and OCD to name other ones.
At first it started out like any other dating period, dates and learning about eachother and despite these red flags I thought they were working on them well.
I was wrong, in the two years we moved in together and I accepted a proposal during the rough of it thinking maybe if I tried harder and did better we would be ok, I wasn’t the best girlfriend at times and had some of my own issues but persisted in trying to be better despite the demands increasingly taking my boundaries away and feeling unsure at times.
Now instead of wedding planning I’m trying to find a way to leave. Constantly I’ve been criticised for my past mistakes to a point I shut down and dissociate through it. Every couple of days becomes a late night spiral where I’m trying to soothe things and being told how awful I am and don’t do anything ect.
I am literally a house maid and full time worker while they get home cooked meals and a drink poured every night and the washing done, I stepped up once I got a full time job and I’ve been paying back for 6 months of groceries while being sent broke weekly gping out with them, saving small amounts into a progress saver to finally build something up.
And when it’s a bad day hell even on a good day they drink so much vodka, 1L bottles being replaced every 3 days give or take, they’ve been getting more drunk after work more spiralling again and I can’t take it anymore.
I realised 2 months ago I don’t want to live this way and want out. So I’m trying scrape together enough to leave. And I’m scared they might take they’re own life if I do, they’ve tried several times before I met them and nearly did once in our relationship, I feel like a hostage more than a partner. I wanted it to work but I can’t see a good future when I’m scared of drunken spirals and having to give more and more when I’m so drained.

For context I met them about 2 years ago and in that time I found out they had a diagnosis for BPD that they disagree with, serious CPTSD from an abusive alcoholic father and OCD to name other ones.
At first it started out like any other dating period, dates and learning about eachother and despite these red flags I thought they were working on them well.
I was wrong, in the two years we moved in together and I accepted a proposal during the rough of it thinking maybe if I tried harder and did better we would be ok, I wasn’t the best girlfriend at times and had some of my own issues but persisted in trying to be better despite the demands increasingly taking my boundaries away and feeling unsure at times.
Now instead of wedding planning I’m trying to find a way to leave. Constantly I’ve been criticised for my past mistakes to a point I shut down and dissociate through it. Every couple of days becomes a late night spiral where I’m trying to soothe things and being told how awful I am and don’t do anything ect.
I am literally a house maid and full time worker while they get home cooked meals and a drink poured every night and the washing done, I stepped up once I got a full time job and I’ve been paying back for 6 months of groceries while being sent broke weekly gping out with them, saving small amounts into a progress saver to finally build something up.
And when it’s a bad day hell even on a good day they drink so much vodka, 1L bottles being replaced every 3 days give or take, they’ve been getting more drunk after work more spiralling again and I can’t take it anymore.
I realised 2 months ago I don’t want to live this way and want out. So I’m trying scrape together enough to leave. And I’m scared they might take they’re own life if I do, they’ve tried several times before I met them and nearly did once in our relationship, I feel like a hostage more than a partner. I wanted it to work but I can’t see a good future when I’m scared of drunken spirals and having to give more and more when I’m so drained.

Typically I’d only do 30ml of vodka and my partner pours well over 60-80ml at a time into theyre glass with soda water, and last night I measured and watched as it become more of that. They just kept going back for more and turned 1l bottle down to 200ml in less than 2 days.
The worst part is they know it’s a stupid amount to drink and don’t care, they think it’s funny that it takes “so much to get a buzz”
And I’m just scared.
Scared because on any night they can spiral and start yelling at me and going off me for my past mistakes and bring up how terrible they feel emotionally.
Nevermind that they have health issues that the drinks are more than likely making worse.
I had to even stop them from screaming at the crackhead next door and starting a fight last night too.
I just want to come home and not be interrogated all night by a drunk who doesn’t care how I feel.

*TLDR at the Bottom*
I’m not sure how to best write this all, there’s a lot more issues behind it than just the drinking but I figure at this point the amount they consume on top of the spirals is making it worse.

I’ve been with her for nearly 2 years and in that time I dismissed a lot of the drinking early on as nothing much, as we grew closer and issues started popping up more more so when we moved in together I’ve realised that the drinking is worse than I anticipated. I’ve tried to calculate it as best as I can being her around average height and weight, she buys 1l bottles of vodka and free pours around 60ml - 80ml of vodka per drink, with soda water, and often has 3-4 of these a night with bottles being replaced before the last one is empty usually, every 3-4 days give or take.
Not accounting for beers either as back when we were dating I got her into trying craft beers.

When problems started arising I noticed it was always late at night and would become a spiral until the early hours of the morning when I was sleep deprived from being berated all night on things I had or hadn’t done right, mind you I’m coming home and doing all the cooking cleaning and looking after her cat as she asks me to pour her another drink and got upset when I started using a shot measurer to keep track of it, it gets worse when she has a drs appointment the next day to trauma around medical and her issues both mentally and physically in life she gets stressed and has gone so far as to chug 500ml on a really bad night. Not including any other spiral nights due to her mental health issues with PTSD and ADHD and hell even just bad days at work.

I’m at my wits end as I never drank much before meeting her and I’d indulge a little in the past and buy beers on weekends, days off ect and sometimes cut back when I don’t want to drink too much, to a point she gets upset that I’m being self conscious and trying to “weasel” out of paying for bottles I drink (I might have 1 beer on her weeknight off she gets and buy a small pack on the weekend here and there and I’ve replaced a bottle of vodka on the odd occasion).
So I end up being guilted into getting more for her. I’ve tried mentioning it before but she doesn’t believe she has a problem at all with it. I end up having it flipped on me for being controlling and trying not to pay for things, hell we both vape and I’ve tried to quit before and if I do much as have one puff of hers she makes me get her a new one saying I owe her, or even if I get her a bad flavour she doesn’t like. At this point between other issues and our engagement and 2 years of us I’m pretty much mentally done with it all and just want to leave and end up feeling guilty about it, I’m scared that trying to leave will bring the mother of all spirals and she might attempt to end herself as she’s tried in the past before meeting me and spent months in a psych ward before. I’m just so burnt out trying to be a partner to her and fix things and it’s bled so deep into our relationship I don’t feel like I can come back from it all.

TLDR: my fiancé drinks a lot of vodka every night, replaces 1L bottles every 3-4 days and often spirals late at night till I’m sleep deprived and I’m thinking of leaving, tried to talk and it has blown back on me all the time.

Throwaway as she’s on Reddit and I don’t want her to find this.
I'm looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I've lost trust in my own judgment. My partner (26F) and I (28m) have been together for about two years and are engaged. For a long time, our relationship followed a cycle that left me feeling exhausted, anxious, and constantly on edge.
Some of the recurring issues have been:
Frequent late night arguments where concerns from months or even years ago get brought up repeatedly.
Feeling like I have to carefully manage her emotions to avoid conflict.
Being told that innocent actions or comments were attacks against her.
Having my interests, achievements, or attempts at self-improvement turned into sources of tension.
Feeling like I can't freely express myself without being criticized, corrected, or talked over.
Constant accusations that I'm not supportive enough, don't care enough, or don't love her enough.
Being pressured for attention, reassurance, or affection even when I'm exhausted or need space.
Having my boundaries around sleep, personal time, and sometimes sex pushed until I give in because it's easier than continuing the discussion.
There are also financial complications. Earlier in the relationship I borrowed a a bit of money from them while struggling financially. I fully acknowledge that I made mistakes and owe her money. However, I often feel like that debt hangs over every disagreement and makes it harder for me to speak up when something is hurting me.
Another issue has been alcohol. For a long time there was heavy drinking in the relationship, often leading to emotional spirals, resentment, and conflict. More recently my fiancée was prescribed meds for anxiety, and since then many of the worst behaviors have reduced dramatically. The constant meltdowns, drinking-related fights, and emotional volatility have become much less frequent.
That's what makes this so confusing.
A few weeks ago, my therapist told me they believed many of these patterns were emotionally abusive. Hearing that was confronting because it matched what I had been privately thinking for a long time.
Between the fights and arguments when it’s nice, I find myself questioning everything. Part of me wonders if I exaggerated things in my head. Another part of me remembers how often I felt scared, trapped, and responsible for managing another person's emotions.
The relationship is calmer now, but I still notice patterns like:
Needing to constantly reassure her.
Her becoming upset when I spend time on my own hobbies.
Feeling guilty for wanting independence.
Walking on eggshells around certain topics.
Feeling like things go smoothly only when I go along with what she wants.
I love her. I genuinely do. When things are good, she’s loving, affectionate, funny, and supportive. I can also see genuine efforts to improve recently.
The problem is that I don't know whether I'm seeing real change or simply the calm part of a cycle I've seen before.

At this point I’m completely drained coming home and doing most of the chores, not being allowed to engage in my hobbies and overall feeling a loss of myself. At this point I want to be alone and move out and keep having fantasies about living alone or with roommates and how much happier I’d be doing what I want and not feeling the burden and guilt when things go wrong.
Do you think this is something that can be fixed? Or has it gone too far off the deep end to be saved?

TLDR: my fiancés behaviour towards me seems emotionally abusive and I feel trapped in my relationship and not sure if I should leave.

Throwaway as she’s on Reddit and I don’t want her to find this.
I'm looking for outside perspectives because I feel like I've lost trust in my own judgment. My partner (26F) and I (28m) have been together for about two years and are engaged. For a long time, our relationship followed a cycle that left me feeling exhausted, anxious, and constantly on edge.
Some of the recurring issues have been:
Frequent late night arguments where concerns from months or even years ago get brought up repeatedly.
Feeling like I have to carefully manage her emotions to avoid conflict.
Being told that innocent actions or comments were attacks against her.
Having my interests, achievements, or attempts at self-improvement turned into sources of tension.
Feeling like I can't freely express myself without being criticized, corrected, or talked over.
Constant accusations that I'm not supportive enough, don't care enough, or don't love her enough.
Being pressured for attention, reassurance, or affection even when I'm exhausted or need space.
Having my boundaries around sleep, personal time, and sometimes sex pushed until I give in because it's easier than continuing the discussion.
There are also financial complications. Earlier in the relationship I borrowed a a bit of money from them while struggling financially. I fully acknowledge that I made mistakes and owe her money. However, I often feel like that debt hangs over every disagreement and makes it harder for me to speak up when something is hurting me.
Another issue has been alcohol. For a long time there was heavy drinking in the relationship, often leading to emotional spirals, resentment, and conflict. More recently my fiancée was prescribed meds for anxiety, and since then many of the worst behaviors have reduced dramatically. The constant meltdowns, drinking-related fights, and emotional volatility have become much less frequent.
That's what makes this so confusing.
A few weeks ago, my therapist told me they believed many of these patterns were emotionally abusive. Hearing that was confronting because it matched what I had been privately thinking for a long time.
Between the fights and arguments when it’s nice, I find myself questioning everything. Part of me wonders if I exaggerated things in my head. Another part of me remembers how often I felt scared, trapped, and responsible for managing another person's emotions.
The relationship is calmer now, but I still notice patterns like:
Needing to constantly reassure her.
Her becoming upset when I spend time on my own hobbies.
Feeling guilty for wanting independence.
Walking on eggshells around certain topics.
Feeling like things go smoothly only when I go along with what she wants.
I love her. I genuinely do. When things are good, she’s loving, affectionate, funny, and supportive. I can also see genuine efforts to improve recently.
The problem is that I don't know whether I'm seeing real change or simply the calm part of a cycle I've seen before.

At this point I’m completely drained coming home and doing most of the chores, not being allowed to engage in my hobbies and overall feeling a loss of myself. At this point I want to be alone and move out and keep having fantasies about living alone or with roommates and how much happier I’d be doing what I want and not feeling the burden and guilt when things go wrong.
Do you think this is something that can be fixed? Or has it gone too far off the deep end to be saved?