I was doing well for a while. Now it's hitting me all over again.
It's sick, isn't it? Like I'm here, devastated, when I should be thinking "wow, look at this refreshing absence of gaslighting!" or "Gosh, so this is life without eggshells!" No one yelling, crying, cursing. Absolute peace and serenity.
Why tf am I so sad???
You’re probably tired of these “I should have known” posts, but I thought I’d write about my experience from start to finish in case it helps others in my situation. I genuinely hope so. It might help me as well to know I'm not alone.
Lovebombing. At first, everything was intense. They would always say that meeting me was akin to the universe aligning, destiny at work, etc. All my little quirks were the greatest thing ever, and dating them was full of grand gestures. Part of me was cautious, but another part of me succumbed a little.
(Of course it felt good! Who doesn’t like being the best thing ever? There were a few warning bells at this stage, but everyone entertains the possibility they’re the exception, so I tried to go in with my eyes open.)
Also, I didn't know they had BPD at this point; their mom mentioned it in a side comment when they introduced us for the first time.
Refusal to take accountability. The cracks started showing after a couple of weeks. Whenever they said something that upset me, the rest of my day was spent comforting them because they were oh, such a monster. How could they. They didn’t mean to. If you’re unfamiliar with this tactic, this kind of excessive self-reproach is a skilful, manipulative way to avoid accountability and re-position themselves as the victim. After all, you wouldn’t want to kick someone when they’re down, right? At first, I gave them the benefit of the doubt, but after a few rounds of this, I decided it was enough.
Instability and impulsive actions. I can’t emphasize this enough. In a healthy dynamic, your partner should provide a certain level of safety (or try to). In my case, I never knew if I would wake up to a good day, or a day of consoling them after a meltdown because everything in their life is a crisis. Or maybe they’d be happy in the morning, but they’d spend the night in tears. I can’t really explain it. It wasn’t drinking or drugs or gambling, which is the kind of "impulsive" I often read on subs. Their unpredictable moods made me feel unsafe.
Mini-tests of “love.” They would provoke me into doing things, and then blame me for doing them. For example, they would say things like “If I’m so terrible, why don’t you just leave?” and cry about not being loved. But, like, I’m autistic, so of course I went home? I’m super literal. They would also make a dig at me (“You’re hard to love”) in an attempt to get me to break up with them. If I didn’t, I’d feed into their need for reassurance. If I didn’t, I would prove I didn’t really love them to begin with. These tests are designed for you to fail no matter what you do.
Self-harm and threats. This was all getting too much for me, so I said I needed space. The next day, they drove to a train station and threatened to jump. I think they assumed I’d show up myself to stop them, but instead, I called the police and they got to them first. They ended up backtracking, saying they didn’t really mean it, didn’t really want to die, etc. They’re on some sort of crisis watch now, and I wish them the best.
I’ve written this in a detached tone, but it doesn’t mean I’m heartless; it just means I’m trying to understand what happened so I can move on. I wish I were better equipped to help them. Just because I recognized red flags for myself, does not mean this person was meaningless to me. In fact, I care about them a lot. I just didn't want to die with them.