My girlfriend has BPD, it is ruining my life
I’m approaching my 2 year anniversary with my first ever long term girlfriend and I want to be excited, but all I do every day is sit in heart pounding anxiety as I uncontrollably think about leaving her. She has BPD, and I know for sure I think I would be better off without this relationship but I can never, ever leave it. At least it feels like I can't. I know she is emotionally abusive and has been since we met but I can't talk about it with anyone so I just feel insane.
When we first met she told me she loved me right away. On our one month anniversary she begged me to propose to her, and I was dumb and I don't know why but I did, but I told her it wasn't for a real marriage and more like a promise ring or something. I begged her not to tell people because I didn't want judgment but she did, she still does even though I ask her not to. I’ve lost pretty much all my close friends since I met her. When we first started dating she would scream, cry and cut herself if I didn't hang out with her, if I chose to hang out with my friends, even for a day. She would ignore my roommates and then when they got mad at her she told me to go get mad at them and it basically ruined our friendship. I never get to go out or do “me” stuff anymore. I don't even have hobbies anymore. Just her.
And there's so many little daily things. She is unemployed and we share an apartment. I work Monday-Friday and she makes me feel guilty because she can't be away from me. When I get home I cook dinner because she can't cook. I don't even sit down to relax until like 7:30 each day and then when I finally do she just unloads all these things, she asks me if I love her, if she's pretty, almost daily. It feels so invalidating to all the insane amount of effort I put in, how could you ask that? She went home for 3 days, came back and said “I have to relearn who you are.” she was gone for 3 days, and she still hasn't “trusted” me the same since. On top of this, she makes me apologize for everything, literally nothing is her fault. When she cheated on me and then told me because she felt guilty, she apologized once and when I didn't immediately accept it she made me feel like I was the bad person. A month later she was already saying things like “maybe it was just God's plan that I had to have that experience to know just how committed I am to you.” And the worst part is that she denies all of these experiences. I’ll tell her about something she did that made me feel a certain way and she’ll make me feel insane, as if that’s not what happened even when I know it is.
Anyway, all this to say I desperately feel like I need to leave this relationship but I’m worried about what will happen if I do. Nobody in my life knows what she puts me through, everyone thinks we’re a perfect couple. We share a lot of friends, and we live together. I’m worried about what would happen if I broke up with her. She has explicitly told me before that she would kill herself if I ever left her and I believe it because she has suicide attempts in the past. But even if she doesn't do that, I’m worried she would try and ruin my life, get vengeful, ruin my social life, my stuff, or just do something, I don't know what! Plus, I’ve told her before a million times we are life partners and I would marry her because she would cry and sob and get angry at me if I didn't, how do I go back on that?
So now I just spend my days in anxiety, thinking about leaving her and feeling crazy for thinking it. I don't know what to do. Looking for people who have had similar experiences I guess. I just feel so isolated.