u/redrover6999

I wanted to come back and update this because I’m about three weeks out now and I feel VERY different than I did when I originally posted.

I am not searching for her anymore. I don’t want her back. I don’t want an explanation. I don’t want closure from her.

And weirdly enough, her filing for a temporary PPO is what finally snapped something into place for me.
At first it was horrifying because after everything she put me through, watching her turn around and paint herself as the victim was fucking insane. This is someone who constantly lied, violated my boundaries, emotionally abused me, and then somehow decided she needed protection from ME.

She wouldn’t even face me in court. Whatever her reason was, seeing how far she was willing to go made me look at her completely differently.

Something in me just died.
Not in a sad way. In a “I will never go back to this person again” way. She is a dangerous sad person.

The PPO was honestly the final nail in the coffin because it made me realize I had spent so much time trying to understand someone who is deeply unwell and committed to her own version of reality.

Maybe one day she’ll have to come to terms with the horrible things she did to me. Maybe she won’t.
Maybe she’ll spend the rest of her life seeing herself as the victim in every situation.

But her torment was never me.
That existed long before me and it will exist long after me.

What has helped me more than anything these last few weeks:

Going to Meetup groups and meeting completely new people. Grounded people. Honest people. People who value transparency and vulnerability. Being around emotionally healthy people again has made me realize just how fucking abnormal my relationship had become.

Surrounding myself with the people who love me and actually know me. People who know the truth. People who don’t make me question my reality.

Exercising every single day, even when I absolutely do not feel like it. I make myself move because sitting around obsessing makes everything worse.
Forcing myself to leave the house. Coffee, dinner, plans, random activities, whatever. I make myself participate in my own life even when part of me wants to hide.

Meeting new people and letting my world get bigger again. The relationship made my world feel so small. Now I’m remembering there are so many amazing, grounded people out there.

Reminding myself of the truth every time my brain romanticizes her. Not just the good memories. The lying. The confusion. The emotional whiplash. The boundary violations. The constant questioning of my own reality.

Accepting that I may never understand her. I don’t need to anymore. Maybe she changes someday. Maybe she doesn’t. That is not my problem to solve.
And slowly I started feeling like myself again.

If you are still missing your person and wanting to go back, PLEASE don’t.

Your nervous system will thank you.

You might have to remind yourself 1,000 times a day that what they gave you was not love. I know your brain is going to pull up the good memories. Mine did too. It will show you the affection, the sex, the sweet moments, the future plans, all of it.
Then remind yourself what came with it; ABUSE.

The lying. The confusion. The emotional whiplash. The boundary violations. The constant questioning of your own reality. The things you tolerated that you would NEVER tell someone you love to tolerate.

Stop only remembering the version of them you wanted them to be.

I spent the first couple weeks completely devastated. Now when I look at how far she is willing to go to avoid accountability and keep playing victim, I am genuinely disgusted by her.

And honestly? I needed to get there.

I have never been so grateful for something to end.
I’m meeting new people. I’m laughing. My relationships feel better. My body feels calmer. I feel more regulated. I feel myself coming back.

You cannot go back to these people and expect a different ending.

Maybe they change someday. Maybe they don’t.
But you do not have to stick around and keep destroying yourself waiting to find out. Please don’t I promise you, despite how hard it may feel… you will be so grateful you started meeting new people and leaving that sick person behind. They don’t deserve you. My hope for us all is that they leave us the fuck alone! ❤️

I’m posting because I genuinely feel like I need to hear from people who have experienced something similar. I’m about two weeks out from what I can only describe as the most psychologically destabilizing breakup I’ve ever experienced.

My fiancée and I were supposed to get married. She was supposed to move into my house five days after she ended our relationship. She had kissed me hours before and her last text before the discard was I love you. We had signed contracts together, made financial commitments, planned our future, and literally days before this happened I believed I was building a life with this person.

Then she ended our engagement through a text message and essentially disappeared from my life.
She blocked me everywhere and has refused to communicate with me. What has made this even harder to process is that she has apparently reframed the relationship to other people in a way where she is afraid of me and I am somehow the abusive person. I cannot reconcile that with the relationship I actually lived in.

There was a significant and ongoing pattern of emotional abuse in the relationship that I am still trying to fully make sense of. She would lie constantly about small things, about important things, about things that directly affected trust and stability between us. It wasn’t occasional dishonesty; it was a repeated pattern that made me feel like I was losing my grip on reality at times, like I was always trying to piece together what was true and what wasn’t.

On top of that, there was a cycle that felt incredibly destabilizing: intense emotional closeness, affection, and what felt like “love bombing” or sudden surges of intimacy and reassurance… followed by withdrawal, denial, rewriting of events, or new lies that contradicted what had just been said. It created this constant emotional whiplash where I was either being pulled very close or pushed into confusion and doubt.

We had been in couples therapy, and the lying and emotional abuse were significant enough that our therapist ultimately terminated working with us. I have an email from the therapist explicitly identifying that I was experiencing abuse in the relationship.
And yet somehow, at the end, the entire story flipped.

I’m now the person she needs protection from, she is the victim, and seemingly the only solution was to erase me completely.

I know people use terms like narcissistic discard, BPD splitting, fearful avoidant deactivation, etc. I obviously cannot diagnose another person, and I’m not trying to. I’m just desperately trying to understand the pattern because the suddenness of it has done something to my nervous system that I have never experienced before.

I’ve also started learning about intense relational discards and nervous system responses to emotional abuse, and I’m actively using resources to try to regulate myself again. Right now it genuinely feels like my body is stuck in shock—like my system is still reacting as if the relationship is ongoing, even though I’ve been completely cut off.

One of the hardest parts is that she wasn’t horrible all the time. There were so many parts of her that I loved. There were beautiful moments. She could be incredibly loving, thoughtful, and affectionate. We had plans. I genuinely believed she loved me and that we were going to spend our lives together.

So my brain keeps bouncing between those memories and what she has done now.
I wake up and for a few seconds I forget. Then I remember that she is gone, I’m blocked, and the person I thought I was marrying apparently now sees herself as escaping from me. It feels like getting hit in the chest over and over again.

I also keep getting this overwhelming urge to check whatever tiny pieces of social media I can still see. I know it doesn’t help. Half the time it makes me feel worse. But my brain seems desperate for some indication that the person I knew still exists somewhere.

The complete lack of closure is probably the hardest part. There was no real conversation. No sitting down together after everything we had built. Just a sudden ending, blocking, silence, and an entirely different narrative about our relationship.
I think what I’m struggling with most is accepting that someone can be so deeply intertwined with your life and then seemingly shut you out completely.

For anyone who has experienced a sudden discard, emotional abuse involving chronic lying and intense push-pull dynamics, or a relationship that ended in complete cutoff and narrative reversal:

Did your brain eventually stop searching for them?
Did you ever reach a point where you stopped waking up with that horrible shock of remembering what happened?

And how did you make peace with never getting an explanation or acknowledgment from the person who hurt you?

I’m not looking for someone to diagnose my ex. I think I mostly just need to hear from people who have actually lived through something like this and came out the other side, because right now it feels impossible to imagine that this will ever stop hurting.