u/SquirrelBoring9999

I just wanted to thank you all.

It's been 9 months I have been publishing, and I see your comments, many times they are from the same people who supported me months ago, and we do, we still do, we help each other, we are a community of fighters.

You have been saving so many lives, and helping them out of this hell, you can't understand.

This relationship literally ruined me, there is a hell of pain, living with untreated borderline.

Pain, efforts, immense amount of love, dedication.

All for what?

For being discarded on a peaceful Sunday morning, because apparently you were never enough.

I did everything for making my girl understand that the problem isn't having problem, the problem is doing nothing about them.

Apparently she preferred to end up our relationship instead of taking responsibility.

In the end, asking for her to understand her problems, was too much.

Love you all with all my heart.

They will never change friend.

And they will give you some of the hardest trauma you have ever experienced.

If they are untreated, if they refuse commitment.

And guess what? It's always your fault.

You were never in love with her or him, you were in love with the idea that you made of them up for surviving!

PLEASE go away!

I am no longer myself after her.

I felt I never existed.

My emotions, my feelings, my goals, my ambitions, they never really mattered.

I have always considered myself heterosexual, and my sexual awakening very young and it was very explosive.

I have always had a voracious sexual appetite towards women and my libido has always brought me problems.

Even addiction, I betrayed many times, and did all the things thinkable with my exes and not.

I am 29 and have had 12 relationships with women and nothing literally nothing oriented to my gender.

I thought I had something towards my same sex too, but since I was very much into women I didn't know what was.

After an extremely difficult breakup I lost my sense of identity, and start questioning who I was, so I tried to actually understand if I was or not bi, by my own mind.

Since then, the fantasy I had, has become haunting.

I feel, I put in doubt my own entire existence, and I am wondering all the time, who am I? Was what have I always felt towards women a lie?

So anytime I give myself pleasure, towards women,I am like measuring do I really like it? But it's extremely strange feeling because I have always taken it for granted. I always end up having orgasms intense ones, but why am I even doubting the reality of something that has always been there? I see myself only with women, but after that fantasy I had, it's like my mind would tell me " yes, but that thing, what does that mean?"

Is it possible that this, is mainly an American creature?

I never heard of such stories in Europe.

I think my brain got fucked up.

And that I will never be loved as they did.

It was a survival need.

So strange.. 9 months after breakup still here.

I know of this girl I was about to have sex with.

She told me, she had HPV and it's under control.

What does that mean?

That she won't be transmiting it?

Hi there

I'd like to have your opinion on something.

There is this girl that would like to have sexual intercourses with me.

The only things I know, are that.

1. she is extremely promiscuos.

2. She had HPV and has to get regularly checked.

Does the condom prevent me, in a good way, from contracting the HPV?

I

I got hooked up on the "saviour" role for so much.

I tried to maturely talk to her.

There is no point, these people will always feel a threat where there is none.

I am tired ruining my days.

Love had its own limits.

You can't save then.

It's literally my favourite grunge song and I am a very grunge aficionado, but this song has something above many many ones.

It's about a toxic relationship, and I picked it up exactly when I was about to leave one.

Pretty Noose is Pretty Pain.

My ex was a heavenly model and and a hellish monster, I couldn't relate more.

https://preview.redd.it/nhrb4vzhbcfh1.jpg?width=250&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=c9674543f9cda0221a566cbd139697d7350149b7

You were just taking care of them, until the point you abandoned yourself.

You were just a tool.

A function.

You didn't exist as a person. Your feelings didn't matter.

They destroyed your ego, said it was your fault and moved on.

run away. That wasn't love. It was addiction .

Just I ask you, why?

I am exhausted; I have been living through your eyes for a year: I am not the villain of your story. You never ever took accountability. I took you to a pyschologist, but they were useless and a waste of money right? In all of this I got blamed for all your fucking problems, you never showed up for them. You never worked harder for being a better person while beating other people up for making you feeling fucking better.

You might be an extremely beautiful woman.

You might be even seem a loveable one, gentle, amiable one.

But fuck you, you are a narcisist, you are selfish, you destroyed me, I lost myself trying to fill your voids up.

You were just a mask.

You never ever fucking cared about WHO I WAS, it was just about you, everything was fine as long as it went as YOU planned.

You will never take accountability, it's simple too difficult, so continue to blame other people. Your incapacity to acknowledge your problems now, DISGUSTS ME!

I don't give a fuck you were suffering, you were clinically diagnosed with borderline and bipolar 2, and intentionally you refused treatments!

FUCK YOU! It's ok to destroy other people as long as you can keep the mask up for yourself.

I thought I was a bad person for having corned you, and closed off, after you refused to realise you had problems. I was finding any sort of justification for you:

- it was a foreign country, you were scared.

But I will always remember " I can't be myself anymore after you harmed yourself " - response " this is the way I am if you don't like it you can go ".

0 ACCOUNTABILITY FUCK YOU.

I was never loved for the way I was. But I got used for the way I was.

I am stuck in the so called "guilt phase".

My ex girlfriend was and is borderline and bipolar 2.

I got blamed for everything, at a certain point though I told her "either you talk to a psychologist or we can't be together anymore "

Of course she never talked to a psychologist.

Of course I am the villain.

What would help me?

Why is that? It's been 8 months since I left her, and I think I am exactly the same.

My ex girlfriend once self-harmed herself.

It happened after an argument in which I had basically said that I was fed up of constantly arguing for no reason.

She did that, and blamed me for her action.

I was extremely desperate took my father in, who's a doctor, then I took her to a psychologist, she had seemed to understand the extent of her action, she was " I want to heal, I want to be better ".

She did one sitting, and resorted to saying " All I need is just a lovely boyfriend"

She resorted to drinking. She resorted to accusing me of not loving her enough.

From that moment I wasn't myself anymore. I couldn't plan a long-term relationship with a girl that couldn't take seriously something like that.

It impacted me. She started making arguments for no reason, for months. I lost my mind and I was cornered and told her " go to a psychologist talk about your problems and then we will talk about it, we can't stay together "

I closed off, hoping for a mature response that never came. My bad closing off.. My big mistake, at the same time I was desperate.. She threatened "if you don't reply you are responsible for my self-harm"

From that moment I adamantly closed off hoping for a real commitment.

I felt I had abandoned a child of 28.

I feel like I had abandoned somebody I loved. A child that couldn't see the reality. I have been living with a big sense of guilt, and sorrow.

Maybe things would have turned out differently if I would have stayed?

Even though you would never do so, but you don't see any other alternatives.

I have never felt so much pain in my life.

Being forced to abandon the girl I changed my life for.

The girl I loved the most, was at the same time the one who was ruining my day.

I wasn't good at the same time, I had developed anger issues, and had become aggressive, something that in my 12 relationships never happened.

I loved her and I abandoned her, when she refused psychological help.

It's a paradox isn't it.

I was always, why in the fuck she can't enjoy calmness.

I know it sounds crazy right? Why should we miss them? But we do, we crave that, they were our favorite addiction after all.

But, when you are all by yourself and you get saddened and overwhelmed by memories, just do one thing:

Think of the anxiety.

Think about going home after a long shift and she starts an argument for no reason.

Think of the anxiety.

Feel it with all yourself, feel the unmotivated rage that she is about to unleash, the accusations, the unnecesary drama

Feel it, now that you are back to your calmness, ask yourself if you miss them.