r/bisexual

Even though it's been weeks since the recent social media drama around this topic peaked, there are still hourly posts on this subreddit about how unfair it is that straight cis women are biphobic against bi men. And there's something creeping up in these posts that's really bothering me.

I'm not here to argue that or defend biphobic women; rather the opposite. I'm a middle-eastern woman raised in a conservative white area. Growing up, I was told over and over how unattractive brown people were. Despite this, I did not bleach my skin or pretend that I was white in order to get dates with racists. If everyone in my town was racist or homophobic, even if it wasn't against me personally, I would just stay single. I don't reward bigots with my love and support.

I find it confusing that so many bi men seem legitimately angry that they might be rejected by straight female bigots, and want them to find them attractive and date them. There are so many posts and comments like, "I guess I'll just give up and date men," "looks like I'll just stay single," or "this is why I lie and say I'm straight."

These comments completely ignore two things:

1. Men, bi and trans women, and nonbinary people are not "last resort" options that you stoop to when you can't "get" a straight cis woman.
2. Plenty of non-bigoted people exist, and demanding that bigots date you rather than seeking out non-bigoted people makes it sound like you'd rather date a bigot than a good person.

Ethics and principles shouldn't take a backseat to "maximizing dating options." A lot of these comments sound straight from the manosphere, where your morals don't matter as long as you can date so-called "high value" women. These commenters seem to think that cis straight women are the only desirable option, followed by cis bi women (as long as they're not "too queer"), followed by trans women and enbies, followed by men at the rock bottom level.

.... and then there are the men who are cheating on or plan to cheat on their female partners using biphobia as an excuse. Having a bigoted partner does not give someone a free pass to act unethically themselves. I could say a lot more but this post is already too long. I'm curious how we can improve our ethics and principles so that we're not centering bigots and demanding to date bigots rather than building positive communities where love and acceptance are central pillars. Thanks for reading this rant!

I am tired of being angry at women for not wanting to date bi guys. It's fine. I would rather be alone or date men then deal with this crap. Even bi women don't want to date us. A lot of women in general find us to be disgusting. Anyway, have you , as a bi man , accepted that women don't want to date us ? I also don't think that hiding your sexuality is the answer either.

includes singers or actresses

Yes, it's hard and heteronormativity and bi-erasure and bi-phobia really suck... and a lot of posts on here focus on the negative. But it's also pretty awesome to be bi.

Comment with the positive things you enjoy about being bi, and let's celebrate and appreciate it.

I'll start:

1. I feel like being bisexual has helped me better understand nuance and complexity, and has strengthened my ability to hold ambiguious concepts in my mind where two or more seemingly conflicting things can be true at once. It's helped me think outside of binaries in more ways than just sexually, be better at appreciating multiple viewpoints and seeing the world beyond strict categories.

2. Being bisexual allows me to feel really comfortable varying my gender expression in ways that are interesting to me, such as dressing more masculine one day and more feminine another day. I don't feel beholden to stereotypical gender roles or ways of being.

3. It's also made me feel more free to establish dynamics in my relationships that are based on what works for me and my partner, not what society expects from either of us due to our gender.

4. I know of at least 3 other people in my social circle who have come out as bi and have cited my coming out as something that help give them the confidence to do so... and that's pretty rad.

5. I feel like I've had the opportunity to use my "secret agent" status in rooms where people have assumed I'm straight and started talking about LGBT issues, to offer a perspective that might have not been shared if I hadn't been there.

6. I never have to change any of the pronouns in songs when I sing karaoke.

7. I'm SO GOOD AT HALLOWEEN COSTUMES.

What about you?

I was wondering if a bi person feels attraction on the opposite gender then do they get in the questioning phase that they actually might be straight or maybe they feel attraction on a same sex person and start questioning if they're homosexual.

If my question feels hateful to you then I'll be really sorry for that. Thanks to anyone who'll reply.

Hi everyone, I really need a safe space to vent about a big shift in my longterm relationship.

I am a bisexual guy, and I've been with my girlfriend for about ten years. She has always known about my bisexuality and has always been completely supportive.

Over the last year or so, I've lost a significant amount of weight and got into much better shape.

For this reason (at least i think, but I'm not sure about that) my girlfriend’s attitude towards this side of me has shifted from acceptance to something more "intense".

She has started expressing a strong desire to see me explore my attraction to other men. It went from playful banter to her actively encouraging me.

She made it clear that she just wants to "watch" without actually "share".

She also recently suggested visiting a nude beach together, thinking it could be a low pressure way for me to take my first steps and feel comfortable expressing this part of myself.

Honestly, a part of me is very curious and excited by the idea, especially since I do miss that part of my life.

However, another part of me is just scared.

We’ve built a wonderful ten year relationship, and I'm terrified of doing something that might complicate or jeopardize what we have.

How do you balance an exciting new desire with the fear of changing a great relationship? Has anyone here had a similar shift with a longterm partner?

I have a question, is it possible in this world to have as a woman relationship with a two man which are also able to be intimate with each other? Basically two bi man probably with one woman and happy dynamic relationship

I honestly can’t decide if it’s just a really intimate friendship or a homoerotic friendship with my current best friend of a year. for some backstory, we became friends while i was in a long term relationship with my ex boyfriend of 4+ years.

she helped me come to terms with not being interested in him anymore and i also helped her figure out she was a lesbian. we’ve helped eachother in that way. she got pretty possessive over me in the end of my relationship with my ex, jealousy issues and just overall possessiveness like she wanted me to herself.

we’re very physical and sleep next to eachother in the same bed every night, taking turns playing with eachother’s hair or rubbing eachother’s backs. we’ve even pecked eachother on the lips before a few times but nothing too serious.

one night we had some drinks and she asked me to climb up next to her in the bed so i did. she spooned me and caressed my face, telling me i was pretty and her desire to kiss and experiment with more women. i at the time didn’t think she was trying to make a move on me but now, i think she was.

we always talk about moving in together, getting cats and being ‘wives’ in our own words. we also make pretty suggestive jokes towards eachother but once again ive done that with quite a few of friends but never to this extent.

a month or two ago i hooked up with my ex because she was also messing around with other women, so i was bored and hooked up with him. let’s just say when she found out, she was angry and very jealous. it was almost like.. i cheated on her ? but we had no romantic obligation to eachother.

i know i like her, a lot. i’ve always had a preference for women in my bisexuality but i like her more than ive ever really liked other women. i would get pretty jealous just like she did when she would mention other women or other romantic interests.

we spend almost every day of the week together. there’s not a week that goes by that i’m not with her for 70-80% of it all. we’re so comfortable with eachother and in my opinion it feels like any other romantic relationship i’ve been in, but she’s such a good friend to me i don’t know if i could ever confess because id never want to ruin the friendship despite it being kinda obvious she feels the same way… but i wonder if she even knows that she likes me in that way?

anyways i guess i wanna know how to approach this and if i should confess, if it is indeed a homoerotic friendship and if i possibly have a chance if i were to shoot my shot?

i have strong feelings for her but i can put the romantic ones aside to keep her in my life platonically.

edit: i forgot to include that only a few days ago after we woke up in the morning, she had told me she had a dream where she had kissed me. i had a similar dream before so i shared that with her to make her feel less alone about it. i honestly might talk to her soon

So I have kinda settled into a look over the years. It would not be unusual to see me in a cutoff t-shirt, painted nails, cuffed jeans, and eye liner (I’m a guy). I’m running around looking all cute and thinking I’m oh so unique when I stumble upon the Bis of YouTube and find out I’m basically in the bisexual guy uniform. I’m so disappointed in myself that I feel like dressing like Tucker Carlson from now on out of spite… for myself. Ugh! I’ll be at the coffee shop with the comfy couches looking dejected while playing on my switch. Do not approach…

I’m 37 and recently married. I love my wife very much, she’s my best friend and we’ve been together 8 years. We have genuinely been through some challenges, and both her and I are seeking therapy for the longevity of our relationship.

My attraction to women is both romantic, physical and sexual, whereas my attraction to men seems to be largely physical and sexual, basically when the clothes come off lol

I have had sex with both men & women prior to meeting my wife, and I am versatile. I’ve experienced so much, but I feel there is a large part of me my wife and other people don’t know. In deep chats over some drinks when we are quite drunk I have told her that I am more fluid sexually, and this curiosity for her stems more from some things she found out early in our relationship about some behaviour prior to us meeting I.e me being on hookup sites listing my status as bi curious as well as some sending and receiving of nudes from guys and girls on my phone.

My question is this - I have never told anyone I am Bi. When I think of telling people it gives me a little rush feeling. Is it a benefit to come out for me mentally when you are already married?

for my wife specifically I am scared she will not find me the same person or not attracted to me any more?

I (19 M btw) recently (2ish years ago) figured out i might have a type in men, and 'met' this cute feller in a grocery store who was scanning my stuff and he goes "aren't you x? Remember when we went to the scouts together?" which made me sorta blush a lil.

But anyways to the main plot, I thought about him for a bit walking home and realized I felt intimidated with the idea of being with him. And then i thought about it a lil more and i felt scared in general of being with a guy. I guess the idea of being taken care of scares me? Idk why i think like that or how to fix it.

To my fellow bi-dudes, how often do you experience biphobia from the opposite gender when dating? I'd be very curious to learn your perspective.

I'm a male in my mid-30s trying to find my way around the dating scene and currently I'm fed up with how things seem to stack against me. I know nobody's perfect and neither am I, once you enter your 30s you start to learn that everyone has some kind of baggage their bring along with them and you learn to accept that (or so I thought).

I'm not that young anymore (and refuse to call myself old either), I'm divorced, winning a war against depression (full remission, but it did affect my life heavily at some point), I can't really kick my smoking habit, I'm slightly chubby, there's a few things that could make potential partners decide it's a deal-breaker and I'd understand it.

What I can't understand, however, is how time and time again, the biggest deal-breaker for women I meet (gay guys are mostly sweet and not bothered by it at all) is my sexuality. I meet someone, we get along, start to learn more about each other, they learn all the things I'm expecting to be a turn off, they are fine with it and at some point - doesn't matter if it's date 1, 2, 10, 20 - I mention my sexuality and they all immediately leave. Sometimes they'll name it ("sorry, I don't date bi guys"), more often they won't say anything beyond "I stopped feeling it".

I don't date short term, I'm looking for a meaningful connection and building something lasting and thus I don't want to hide anything from the real me. I'm strictly monogamous, when I love a person, I love only them, but I want to be able to fully express myself and be proud of who I am in all aspects of myself and each time, so getting rejected for who I am, for something that not only is beyond any control, but also is something I consider a beautiful aspect of who I am, sucks massively and frankly, makes me lose all hope in my love life altogether.

I'm a man in my early 30s and have always considered myself straight despite some experimentation a couple times in college and a little after. Most of that was letting them suck me or kiss my body and I was drunk or high and found those guys somewhat attractive but I couldn't stay hard so eventually it ended awkwardly.

Recently though I've not had a female partner for months and months so I guess I'm pent up and was exploring porn about once a day. I was branching out and exploring when I found and got into some about body swapping to a woman porn. Something I think more men in this community than most publicly would be into imagining than the general population. It was hot to me but I have no real desire to actually be a woman outside of sexual fantasy so I'm definitely not trans. That said it got me to start wondering about sucking guys off in general. That was when I realized I like looking at big cocks in general. TBH I like it so much I went a step further and bought a suction dildo recently to try giving it head and long story short I've gotten off while doing it.

I keep wondering if I'm bi but I look up pictures or porn of men together and it just feels weird and I'm not turned on. Maybe it is like another comment said on a similar post from a month ago and internalized homophobia but I don't really think so. Like I said I've tried stuff before with guys and was turned off by everything from the smell, feel, and up close look of them. I also go to the gym regularly where people's bodies are on display and while I appreciate a strong looking dude there as attractive objectively my eyes don't instinctively follow them like they do women. Like to the point you have to stop yourself from looking because it is creepy and rude obviously. I never ever found myself doing that with any men nor can I even imagine kissing or dating them.

So idk if I'm really questioning so much as possibly admitting I have a slightly weird oral fixation but who knows I also read on that post that sexuality evolves a lot as we age which I didn't realize even though I've always known it was a spectrum. I suppose it makes sense though kind of like taste.

So to clarify, I’m gay, and I’ve noticed a pretty consistent pattern in my dating/attraction life: I seem to attract bisexual men a lot. 😅😂
There have been quite a few situations where a guy seems interested in me, flirts with me, gives me mixed signals, or otherwise makes it seem like there’s something there, but eventually it doesn’t really go anywhere. I’m not asking about one particular guy here—I’ve just become genuinely curious about what bisexual men tend to look for when they’re attracted to another man.
Like specifically, what usually catches your attention in a guy in the first place? Is it primarily physical attraction, or are there specific personality traits, mannerisms, energy, confidence, humor, etc. that really make you interested?
And on the other side, what makes you lose attraction or decide you don’t want to pursue someone anymore? That can be physical, emotional, sexual, behavioral—anything.
I’m also just curious about whether things like masculinity/femininity make a difference for you. Do you tend to be drawn toward masculine guys, feminine guys, somewhere in between, or is that basically irrelevant?
And those of you who have actually dated men, or had situationships with men, what makes the difference between “I’m attracted to this guy” and “I actually want to date this guy”?
Are there things you particularly enjoy about dating another man? Or things that make dating a gay man feel different from dating women?
And if you’ve ever been really attracted to a guy but ultimately backed away from pursuing him because of your sexuality, uncertainty, circumstances, fear, social pressure, etc., I’d be interested in hearing about that too.
I’m genuinely interested in both the physical and emotional sides of this. I feel like I have a somewhat decent understanding of what gay men tend to look for in other men, but I’m much less familiar with how bisexual men experience attraction to men.
Basically, I’m curious what is a “yes” for you when it comes to another guy, and what is an immediate “no”? What makes you think “I actually want to pursue this guy” versus “he’s attractive, but I don’t think I want anything with him”?

Just curious. I still think of mine from time to time

I grew up in an extremely religious, conservative, sex-negative community, and despite getting older, the fear, shame and anxiety is still around. I expected that these negative feelings would subside as I became older and independent but instead they have morphed into different, but similar, fears and anxieties.

I have pretty much always known that I was bisexual and have never really had any interest in monogamy. Additionally I have always sort of struggled with my gender expression. Needless to say I was not allowed to act on any of my feelings let alone express them without potentially causing severe harm to myself. I passed up on several relationships and experiences, something which I now deeply regret, because I was too afraid. I also have an EXTREMELY high libido, something me and my partner share in common. I am constantly fearful that I may have a sex/porn addiction or that I am hypersexual to an unhealthy level.

Now, as an adult, I have similar fears and anxieties but directed towards different areas of my life that could be harmed. I constantly fear that my sexual interests/gender expression could harm my partner, my relationships, my work/income, my friendships/social circle, my education etc. I feel like I am living a double life. I am lucky enough to have a partner who I can be very open with and shares many of my same sexual interests. AFAIK, my sex drive/sexuality has never interfered with my work/school, but I am always second guessing myself.

I know this is not normal and is arguably quite unhealthy, however I do not know what I should do outside of seeking therapy, which I plan on doing. In the meantime, I am wondering if there are any resources that may possibly help me or individuals who have gone through similar experiences. Thank you.

If you'd like, could you say what sparks your curiosity or what kind of experience you're looking for?

Mine would be Angela Montenegro from the tv show Bones

I’m a bisexual guy entering his senior year of high school. My friend group has always made a lot of gay jokes but recently they’ve straight up been “ha ha, tolstartheking is probably gay!” and it feels like they’re doing it in a way that they’d only be saying that if they think I’m straight. They’re not malicious with it at all, but I think they’d tone it back a lot if they knew. I feel like I need to tell them that I actually like dudes before this becomes a running joke.

Three people already know and are super supportive, but I just texted them and I don’t want to so that with the rest of my friends since I think it’s a little impersonal now that I’ve done it three times.

What I wanted to do was have it naturally come up in a conversation and casually drop it without explicitly saying what I am. But now I feel like they’d just brush it off as a joke move on, so I need to be a bit more explicit.

Should I tell them all at once or just pull each person aside? I’m not sure how to go about this at all honestly. I’m sure they’ll be fine with it but I’m terrible at opening up about anything personal.

I attend a lot of queer events in London (i have family there so spend the night at theirs too) with my small business for the last 3 years. Husband found a note on my phone applying for a job with a queer business (i previously told him about the queer business and that i had applied). My note stated im a queer POC. (FYI a lot of queer events ask participants if they identify within the community)
I was away for the weekend & he has had the weekend full of anxiety and dread (understandably) as i have never actually said to him im queer (or bisexual for that matter).

I had told him in the past about my attraction to women and my first female kiss & how i came out to my parents thinking i was a lesbian as a teenager (coming out to parents didnt go well so far as they would openly mock and bully me for being a lesbian so i shut down and never mentioned it again to family).

I never fully said im queer or bisexual as im pretty sure hes homophobic (he thinks people can be straight or gay but to quote “anything in between sexually or in terms of gender means you’ve got a mental illness”)

Had a discussion/row yesterday where he said he doesnt know me anymore and im a liar. Says i need to decide what i want. I CANNOT REITERATE ENOUGH TO HIM THAT I ONLY HAVE EYES AND DEVOTION FOR HIM, NOBODY ELSE REGARDLESS OF THEIR GENDER. Gave him space and he seemed more settled and calm today, was affectionate and said were good. Cue 1 bottle of wine and 5 beers later, having a chat and he starts saying how if i feel the need to go the other way please let him know, again reiterated i have zero interest in anybody apart from him. Cue him joking saying if i bring a woman home we can do OF & get rich (he said this a few times), again reiterated i have and always will be devoted to him alone and strictly monogamous, he agreed he feels the same. Then starts asking how i know im queer if ive not actually had relations with a woman, told him the same way he knows he is straight. Mood has shifted, he starts going on how im either gay or straight i cant be bisexual.
I stayed calm when he was ranting but i laughed when he suggested i gave birth via c section “so you could keep your parts intact for some slag to eat you out”.
I know it was wrong of me to laugh but i could see how he has got all sorts of stuff made up to suit his narrative and he wont listen to my reasoning.

Naturally he went apeshit telling me to leave the house, i can see the disgust and hate in his eyes (not the first time tbh) and telling me im not welcome here.
Ive told him i wont leave this house we both paid for & our child with him when hes under the influence of alcohol which he agrees with to the point where i am now sleeping in the spare room. Hes told me he will apply for a divorce and take my name of the deeds and kick me out.

Hes said ive lied for over 17 years to him, again when i told him ive told him everything but never explicitly said im bisexual or queer as i know he hates that stuff he then asked if the reason i was promiscuous as a teen before we got together was to hide the fact im gay. Again ive told him thats not the cae. He then proceeds to tell me how ive fucked half the people we knew when i was younger & say other hurtful things.

How the heck do i save this marriage?
Any advice please. I dont want our marriage to end but im terrified hes done.

(Also there have been other rows in the oast about me getting tattoos that were bigger than i said to him they would be or id tell him im not getting anymore then if get one a year or so later. He hates that im not the same person i was 17 years ago in terms of looks and he cannot fathom why i would change - his words. We have also had tows i. The last 3 years where he had been physically i timidating me and stopping me leaving the room/environment to the point where he did chade me outside once. H elnows his size is intimidating and i told him if he does it again there would be consequences. Anywa, a month or so later we have a heated exchange outside and he still comes up in my face with the crazy eyes intimidating me. I dont know what happened to him but hes changed so much.