u/intro_to_IRL

Even though it's been weeks since the recent social media drama around this topic peaked, there are still hourly posts on this subreddit about how unfair it is that straight cis women are biphobic against bi men. And there's something creeping up in these posts that's really bothering me.

I'm not here to argue that or defend biphobic women; rather the opposite. I'm a middle-eastern woman raised in a conservative white area. Growing up, I was told over and over how unattractive brown people were. Despite this, I did not bleach my skin or pretend that I was white in order to get dates with racists. If everyone in my town was racist or homophobic, even if it wasn't against me personally, I would just stay single. I don't reward bigots with my love and support.

I find it confusing that so many bi men seem legitimately angry that they might be rejected by straight female bigots, and want them to find them attractive and date them. There are so many posts and comments like, "I guess I'll just give up and date men," "looks like I'll just stay single," or "this is why I lie and say I'm straight."

These comments completely ignore two things:

1. Men, bi and trans women, and nonbinary people are not "last resort" options that you stoop to when you can't "get" a straight cis woman.
2. Plenty of non-bigoted people exist, and demanding that bigots date you rather than seeking out non-bigoted people makes it sound like you'd rather date a bigot than a good person.

Ethics and principles shouldn't take a backseat to "maximizing dating options." A lot of these comments sound straight from the manosphere, where your morals don't matter as long as you can date so-called "high value" women. These commenters seem to think that cis straight women are the only desirable option, followed by cis bi women (as long as they're not "too queer"), followed by trans women and enbies, followed by men at the rock bottom level.

.... and then there are the men who are cheating on or plan to cheat on their female partners using biphobia as an excuse. Having a bigoted partner does not give someone a free pass to act unethically themselves. I could say a lot more but this post is already too long. I'm curious how we can improve our ethics and principles so that we're not centering bigots and demanding to date bigots rather than building positive communities where love and acceptance are central pillars. Thanks for reading this rant!

I've been seeing several posts in the same vein recently, and wanted to open up kind of a meta discussion about it. Partially so I can provide better advice when they pop up, partially to analyze why they happen in the first place, and partially just to vent and hear your thoughts.

The posts typically involve OP, their Very Poly Partner (VPP), and the VPP's other partner(s). OP is either only partnered to VPP or has a stronger emotional attachment to them than anyone else they're with. Meanwhile, the VPP has multiple close romantic connections and continues to strengthen these and pursue new relationships. This seems to work fine until a specific person or situation comes along that is novel in the relationship; ex., they get closer to a new partner, or go on a date with a friend. The OP struggles to understand why the VPP would do this, and responds by "freaking out" or "frequently expressing discomfort" or "having multiple long and difficult conversations." They want to ask VPP to slow down the pace of new relationships, reduce the amount of time spent with other partners, add specific people to messy lists after the relationship already started, etc. Or they want to turn their feelings off entirely, and ask us for help in doing so.

The first question I tend to ask is "Do you actually want polyamory for yourself, or is it a compromise to stay with the people that you love?" They always claim that they DO want polyamory and it is NOT a compromise; they've been poly for 3/6/10 years and everything's been fine, it's just this situation that's the problem. But it's clear that the OP doesn't value the underlying principles of polyamory (autonomy, maintaining multiple independent romantic relationships) or else they would not be demanding constraints on them. Their comfort has been contingent on monoamorous ideals, whether that be feeling closer or more special than their partner's other connections, filling all of their partner's needs (why would they look elsewhere when I'm right here??), and expecting their relationships to only become more enmeshed over time and never less.

Perhaps this is a healthier starting point: assume that any of your poly partners can, at any time and without warning, build or strengthen relationships with others at whatever pace and to whatever endpoint they desire. That's what autonomy means. It doesn't matter that they didn't date seriously before and then they did. It doesn't matter that they used to date women and are now dating a man. Those things were always on the agenda from the beginning, even if they didn't come up before.

Can coming to terms with that from the beginning completely prevent jealous or upset feelings from forming? I don't think so. Jealousy trumps logic, and it happens even when nobody's the villian. But I do think that if you believe that the core principles of polyamory are valuable and important to maintain in their own right, you are less likely to have your house of cards collapse when novel (but totally normal and healthy) shifts happen in your relationships.

Soapbox over; anyone agree or disagree? I notice that sometimes comments get upvoted that say something along the lines of "actually, your partner should slow down/stop seeing that person/give you a head's up/move only at your comfort level," and I'm particularly interested in whether that's a belief that a large group of poly people share.