r/polyamory

Update: Everyone is safe but the conversation with my wife didn't go great. Probably more updates to come.

Some context at the end.

The text:

"For almost two years I've been respectful towards you and never tried to undermine the relationship, treating you like I wish to be treated. This is called the Golden Rule [Me].

That's over, it stops today. Look inside and ask:

Why can't or won't I handle my business with my 'wife'? Am I a eunuch? Am I closeted? Look inside and find out the Why bc wo it you're truly lost

You can bow out gracefully....you know what's coming anyways. Why not communicate your real feelings with your 'wife' instead of bottling them up and being deceitful by lying to her through omission when she asks what's up?

Despite your passive aggressive actions towards me over the last couple years I'm still trying to reach My Brother From Another; that's irony for sure

If you ever try and slow down or prevent [My Wife] from getting home to see me like yesterday we are going to have words. Unlike you I take care of my business and put her on a pedestal

We will have words and a visit... and talk about it

One on One

Whether it's at your work or at your home, Idc. FAAFO

And then we will talk about your crappy attitude and lack of performance 'on the job'

.

.

.

Just to be clear, this txt is not passive aggressive. It's just clearly aggressive 🤣

You've been notified. Respond, tattle, or stay silent, I don't give a SHIT. I respect you enough to let you know where I stand, which is more than you've given me in two years."

End of text

Context: Yesterday my wife and I were on our way home from a camping trip and wife was planning to head to metas after we got home. She suggested one route but I wasn't familiar with it so I opted to go a different way that I knew well. It added maybe 10 minutes to the trip. This morning I get this text right before work. He's texted me like this once before but without the apparent threats. I've been poly for like 10 years and have never had problems with any of my metas. AIO or should I be concerned for our safety?

I often get downvoted when I mention this, but I am strongly averse to "primary"/"secondary" language.

For one thing there's my visceral distaste for the word "secondary" itself, which to me definitionally denotes a meaning of "less important", which feels antithetical to polyamory where we support the development of multiple important relationships that are important in different ways, relationships that can be structured based on mutual desires between two people rather than mononormative expectations of what a relationship "should" look like.

But I've been trying to puzzle out a little more about why I feel this way, because I knew there was something more structural and non-semantic about my reaction to this type of label, and I think it's this: when we say someone is a "secondary" (i.e. "less important") partner simply because they do not nest with or legally marry or otherwise entangle, it feels mononormative to me.

That because I'm not married to my boyfriend but his wife is, that means our relationship is less meaningful or important. That the only way to make your relationship "really" important is to hop on the escalator. As a "community" (I use this term very loosely) we have theoretically acknowledged that the relationship escalator is not the only pathway to a meaningful commitment, so why do we automatically rank any non-escalator relationship lower than a marriage or nesting partnership?

And for someone who doesn't think nesting or marriage is required for a meaningful relationship, as someone who has no desire to nest or marry because of how much I do not value those things and reject them as important for my own happiness - my relationships being called less important because I don't do those things just does not sit right with me.

People are of course to free to label and structure their own relationships as they see fit and I know that a lot of people who use that language don't in fact devalue their secondary partners or relationships and actually really enjoy that structure, and I'm not at all judging or invalidating those personal choices - but when I see folks blanketly calling all relationships that look a certain way "primary" and all other relationships "secondary" it just doesn't sit right with me.

I am not at all denying hierarchy exists in a marriage or nesting partnership and I have zero issues with that. I just think that automatically assuming that anything non-hierarchical is "secondary" to anything hierarchical flies in the face of the work we do to deconstruct what a meaningful committed relationship could look like.

Now hold on, this is a poly positive post! Obviously there’s nuance but I’ll use definitive statements to try and make a point.

I’ve been practicing poly for a few years now, failed in my marriage over a year ago, years of therapy and reading and practice. I personally value poly and still practice it. Here’s why I think this post’s title is important.

Often, especially from mono married people attempting poly, we hear the phrase, “one person can’t possibly give you everything you need.”

I disagree with this and the sentiment that it carries. Contracting-out an unmet need in one relationship to another does not work. It is a crutch to avoid a breakup or acceptance of an incompatibility. Just because that need is “met” elsewhere does not mean you are not still lacking it with your other relationship.

I propose that everything you need from your relationship should be completely satisfied by one person. That people should not be used to fill unmet needs of other relationships. That it is ineffective and often unethical to even try.

Each relationship, should completely satisfy what you need from that relationship. I do not date multiple people because one of them doesn’t meet a need that I have. I date each person to give and find everything that we need from eachother within our relationship.

Sure, if you’re a homebody sometimes and adventurous other times, it’s nice to have one partner who is a book worm and one who is an avid hiker. That’s not what I’m talking about.

I’m talking about how, if you feel a need in your relationship with one person such as (sex, communication, affection, understanding, financial compatibilities, escalations, shared politics ect), it should be met by them. If it is not, you should let go of this desire or end the relationship with them. Do not contract out that labor or compatibility with another.

Make sure to give and revive everything you need from a relationship with the ONE person.

This is a thoughtful analysis more than a prescription. Please let me know what you think!!

Edit: just wanted to say thank you guys for your discussion and opinions here! Lots of very civil disagreement and I appreciate the input!

I (28F, lesbian) met a 26F poly woman and I’m confused about the pace

I matched with “Ariel” (26F) a week ago. She’s polyamorous, married to a man, and has kids. I’m a lesbian and not poly, I said that upfront when we matched.

At first she said she was mainly looking for friends, so I was comfortable talking to her. We flirted a lot, though, and ended up meeting after only a few days of talking. We hung out for about 3–4 hours, played pool, drank, and there was definitely chemistry, although I was pretty nervous and we didn’t kiss.

The part that started making me uncomfortable was how quickly she wanted me involved with her family. She started talking about me meeting her husband and kids very early on and said that if I’m going to “stick around,” meeting her family is important to her.

I told her I’d eventually be comfortable meeting them, but I wanted to get to know her first and spend some time one-on-one. I also explained that I’m completely gay and may take a little time to warm up to her husband.

She then told me she expects people who want to continue being in her life to be respectful and meet her family, and mentioned that two previous women had been weird about meeting her husband “just because they’re lesbians.” That really rubbed me the wrong way, especially because we’ve literally known each other for about a week. 😂 I don’t even know her last name!

She has since said she understands that I want to slow down, and the intensity has definitely decreased, which I actually like. Initially she was constantly complimenting me, flirting, asking to hang out multiple times a day, saying she was free whenever, etc.

I’m realizing I may have been more attracted to how intensely wanted I felt than to Ariel herself.

I’m not judging polyamory, but I also don’t want to become a step-parent, co-parent, sister-wife, or deeply integrated into someone’s household. I’m looking for something more casual where I can date/flirt/hang out with a woman without becoming part of her entire family ecosystem.

So, am I overreacting to the pace here? She met me 2 days ago and already wants me to meet her whole family and I'm getting cold feet.

Edit: thank you everyone for responding so positively! It's reassuring to know there is real and ethical polyamory and I just happen to stumble across something toxic and somewhat dubious. Thank you for the responses I feel much more better now.

i work in a fairly tolerant white-collar setting; i’m already openly trans, so that’s my baseline. the general sentiment i’ve received from my poly friends, though, is that they’re very quiet about it in the workplace.

now, i’m already used to keeping my private life private. i organize play parties and do all sorts of kinky stuff that my coworkers will never hear about. with my partners, though, i’m trying to build a life that extends well beyond the sexual. we travel together, we go to baseball games. i’ve kept things vague when making office small talk, e.g. “oh i went to X with my partner” and leaving the fact that i have multiple unsaid. it’s annoying, though, and i hate walking on eggshells.

at the same time, i know poly protections are very scant. i don’t live in one of the few progressive havens where there are legitimate protections.

how have y’all navigated this?

I’m going to try to keep this as anonymous as possible, but I need some help with my relationship with my meta. They’re dating my spouse and I’m dating theirs. We all spend time together a decent amount as a group and we also have time alone with our partners. My meta and I’s relationship is strictly platonic.

I’m having trouble with what I feel are relationship expectations. They express often that I need to show that I want a relationship with them and not just my partner, their spouse. We are all friends and hang out as a group. I’ve actually asked them to hang out with me several times (without their spouse), but they prefer to be home so they usually decline, with the exception of one instance where they did something with me without our partner included because I expressed to them how upset it made me feel that they said no initially.

Is it reasonable to behave in such a way and then demand that I show them that they matter to me through other words and actions? I’m struggling to understand.

In my opinion, this is coming from a place of insecurity. When they’re upset with me they tell me that I’m trying to steal their spouse and then tell me all the ways in which I’m not a friend to them so I think it’s less rooted in wanting an actual friendship and more so rooted in feeling insecure.

Now I'm angry with nesting partner, as he didn't even give me the CHANCE to tell my other partner, and my other partner is angry with me for not being the one to tell her, and not telling her sooner. He also told my meta, who came back to me about it, before I even had a chance to inform my doctor about it.

I mean, yeah we do kitchen table, we're all friends, too... But my nesting partner really fucked up here, I can hear him laughing at memes in the bedroom while I need to wait until my partner cooled down enough to talk it out, meanwhile I'm trapped in anger and sadness and honestly just feeling disrespected.... I have been consoling him all afternoon and night yesterday because it was such heavy news to him, and he doesn't even give me the space to tell my other loved ones at my own time and pace. I'm so angry.

No advice wanted, just need to vent to someone who understands the dynamics at play... My mono friends wouldn't understand and they would immediately demand to know "what is the news?" and I am NOT READY TO TELL THEM AAAAARGHH.

I'm a piece of shit. I wanted a dynamic that wasn't going to work.

Listen to your partner when they tell you when a monogamous person will catch feelings.

Listen to the monogamous person that you're talking to that she will eventually catch feelings if we keep sleeping together.

Accept the fact that trying to make a dynamic that was never going to work is going to end up in everyone being hurt.

You're better off alone until you really change yourself.

I've been with my partner Wrestlemania for a bit over a year now, things are pretty good and smooth. I have also another long term (7 years) partner Tarot who is long distance.

In practice, Wrestlemania is my 'anchor' or I guess is the partner who takes the most space in my life currently, and with whom I see and want more escalations with, though I have important and traditional commitments with Tarot as well.

Wrestlemania only has one partner (me), Tarot has two nesting partners as well as me (for added context).

The thing is, for the past year or so, through lack of capacity, natural ends to minor entanglements etc... Wrestlemania and I have been focused on our relationship, and leaving other aspects of poly life aside other than maintaining a KTP dynamic with Tarot. This is lovely and I've been going through some major life stresses (job instability, burn out, housing instability) so I have not really been thinking that I needed to shake things up and invest in meeting new potential dates on my end, though Wrestlemania and I always have been clear that we want to keep seeing other/new people.

The reality of this is only really getting to us now, because Wrestlemania has currently met several people he's interested in. This is great for him, and I want him to be able to explore those connections freely. He is generally quite anxious about doing anything that would put our relationship at risk, so he is taking things very slow which I understand and appreciate (though I have not requested this, it is self prompted as he is also dealing with his own feelings of "omg what I am doing isn't allowed and for sure will make my partner feel betrayed aaaa" - we all have our own worries).

The thing is, when Wrestlemania tells me "Oh this wasn't expected but Mirrors is interested in me and so am I in her", my first thought is... envy. "I wish I also met people organically who would express interest in me." This is the first thought. Not jealousy, just... "I also wish I had options" shortly followed by "I wish I was bold enough to proposition people I'm interested in".

And like... a) this is kinda dumb and b) this is my own fault. I realised that as life has been fairly bonkers for me in the past few months, I slacked off on maintaining my opportunities of meeting new people in general, so of course I meet fewer people who I could be interested in/who could be interested in me. I've neglected parts of me that are only mine, I've stopped attending social events where I felt safe and happy to explore or I have constantly included Wrestlemania in them so they are now "us" spaces rather than "mine" (which to some extent is fairly normal I know). So basically my life has been reduced to work panic sleep panic partner and very occasionally friends. My world has considerably shrunk, while my partner's life has just... kept expanding as normal. Which leaves my source of joy to be mostly relying on partners, and obviously makes the practice of "being poly without feeling left out" kinda difficult.

I'd like to change that; but unsure on what to do sustainably. I'm not really sure that throwing myself into the dating scene is really for me/wouldn't just be just a reaction to him dating when actually maybe my priorities aren't in dating. I don't know. What I know is that I'd like to avoid becoming dependent on my partners, or transforming something that feels rather secure into something that isn't because I forgot to live my own fulfilling life (through consequences of my life and definitely some internalised mononormative gendered stuff).

Also adding for context: I have spoken to both Tarot and Wrestlemania about this. I think for Wrestlemania in particular it's been a tough conversation because he felt responsible (which he isn't!) so I had to make it clear that this is my own mistake. I think both are supportive but what to do next is in my own hands now.

So I guess I'm posting here to see if any people here have had similar experiences? How did you work through this? Has there been meaningful and sustainable things you've found to keep your own life active and happy? (Asking as I really don't think signing up for a dating app and making dating my temporary hobby is a sustainable change for me, or is really "for me") Did you find yourself slipping into mononormative stuff/on the road to codependence without realising it and how did you change that? Bonus points for people who have ideas on how to find themselves again while burnt out (woo!). I think I just need a bit of reassurance that I'm not the only one and that it will get better.

I think I'm trying this to vent over a relationship I'm not over yet. Warning - might be long. Also, English is not my first language.

I (f31) was in a relationship for about 4 years with a partner (m33) and I'm disappointed, by his behaviour as well as myself staying so long despite being treated like that.

We started out in late 2021 after meeting on a dating app. I'm also married and he also has another partner (that I will proceed to call meta in this post). He was my first poly partner (in addition to my husband of course, with whom all the relationship work was done well enough to not be part of this vent). Before him I had a few fwb situations but he was the first one to take it to take it to a serious level.

Like all these stories start, everything went really well in the beginning. We clicked very well and also were a great match in bed. I liked his views on relationships and loved learning how to give each other the space while being there.

I'm not exactly sure when and how our problems started, but one of the first big "fights" I can remember must have been in winter 2023. I was at his place over the weekend (about 2 hours away from my home). Around that time he had a lot of stress with his masters thesis, and when I was with him he would always push me away and tell me he needed "me time", which resulted in me spending the weekend at his place, but not really interacting much with him. We met about one weekend per month. I also own a horse that I like to visit during daylight hours which I can't do during the week in winter because the sun has already set after work, so the only chance is the weekend. So I asked him to maybe try to decide already before I come to his place, if he has the capacity, and alternatively made the proposal to change the schedule so that I only stay until Saturday evening so I at least have the Sunday for my horse and don't spend the whole weekend just existing at his place. This resulted in him twisting my request in a way that I ask him to give me attention that he doesn't have and wanting to break up with me because I ask too much things he can't give. I did a lot of sweet-talk and fixed the situation but I think the relationship got its first big crack at that point.

And it went on like this. When he didn't have time for me, I had to accept that (and of course I did!!), but when he wanted me to have time for him I always made time and space for him. Also he often had the behaviour of just assuming (or making up) how I feel about something and then just treating that like a truth he had to act on without even asking me if it was even true, thus deciding things in my name. And when I tried to intervene, then he would again tell me that he doesn't have the capacity to think about that and that I'm always asking too much.

Also he often debated breaking up with me for a lot of reasons. For example he openly debated breaking up with me in front of me before starting his masters thesis so our relationship couldn't "go bad" during his thesis, thus distracting him from it. Also breaking up while our relationship is still "good" because he would rather stay on good terms with me than waiting until we can't anymore. So of course I always felt pressured to be a good, easy, low maintainance partner...

Another thing happened in summer 2024. He had a vacation planned with friends and asked me if I wanted to join since they had an empty space in the house they rented. I happily said yes. He then told me that he also asked my meta but she said she would love to join but can't because of important work appointments during that time. So I thought it was settled. In the end, he decided that I would not like the vacation, so he would not take me with him but meta. But because she (still...) didn't have time and then his friends already asked someone else to join and filled up the empty space, he ended up acting like he was the victim who has to go without a partner then and tried to turn it into a problem between meta and me (like the problem was that he asked both of us). That time, I went no contact with him for several months. Not because of the vacation but because I didn't like the way he decided things in my name. But in the end we talked and I believed him that he understood and would stop behaving like that.

Fast forward autumn 2025. He told me beforehand he was thinking about going to a thermal bath with some friends for his birthday. I said that I would think about it, but since I've not been to thermal baths often and also didn't know his friends and also had a lot of stress in the end phase of my PhD thesis, I wasn't sure if I would join. But I'm pretty sure that we remained that way that he tells me on his decision if the event takes place so I can think about whether I have the energy to join, because I would like to. I took so much care to be very clear on the part to leave the decision to me. Of course, he didn't. He just decided to go alone with meta and told me upon request that he understood that I do not want to go.

Last winter, I was writing down my PhD thesis that I had been working on in the lab since 2020. I asked him to proofread some of it. I also had proofread his master thesis before and helped him out with a lot of university stuff, since we're in related fields. Of course he didn't find any time because of his work (the PhD that he started the year before). So he forwarded it to meta, who proofread and helped me a lot. Her field is also closer to mine than his. But he never asked me if it is okay to get her involved in my thesis and though I'm very grateful for her help, I would have never consented to that because I don't know her well enough to ask her for a big favor like this.

During that time he didn't have much time to talk/text me. But he also bought a app-controlled sex toy that he one day texted me and asked me to play with. Of course, I didn't really have the energy for that, so I actually said no. That led to him immediately dropping the conversation again (of which we didn't have many anymore) which of course made me feel only wanted to fuck.

I brought these things up when I met him next time around Easter, wanting to talk to him. When I talk about things that may not be allright in a relationship, I like to do that in a calm, nice setting. Maybe even cuddling to give each other nonverbal reassurance all the time. He's completely different. I had the feeling he was trying to create the most uncomfortable situation possible, always just talking about how "the situation litterally feels like being upside down in a pile of shit" and everything. Then he broke up with me (btw only four weeks before my PhD defense, after always treating his own work and university stuff over everything and making sure that I would never to anything that distracts him from important dates), this time no sweet-talk could stop him (and I'm honestly not sure if I wanted to stop him anymore). Also he threw me out of his place, telling me that he's too overwhelmed to talk at that point. We made an agreement to talk to each other the week after. But of course the next day he told me that he doesn't want to meet me anymore because he's to scared to end up in the same shitty situation again (Having to talk to his partner? Is that really so shitty?), and of course he doesn't want to continue the relationship, and since then I'm left without any closure.

But at least I still had a good PhD defense and didn't let myself be stopped by his bullshit. Also I deleted him from the acknowledgements of the thesis (revenge ;P ).

Of course there's a lot more to say, a lot more small situations where things didn't feel right, and a lot more whirling around in my head. But maybe it helps at least to write these things down. Also, I have my husband who listens to all my overthinking again and again and I'm so grateful for that. I also wonder if my ex treats my meta the same way (pressuring her into "functioning" the way he wants her to be) but of course there's no way to know. And I also don't know what kind of answers to expect here, if at all.