r/polyamory

I wish I could tell the whole story but I am scared that there is a chance one of my parents finding out it's me but I truly need to talk to someone about this. First I would like to say I found out about my parents poly lifestyle when I was in middle school and I found out in not so great terms (I thought one of my parents was cheating) after I had a conversation about it with the parent I still felt upset by it, at the time I didn't want them to have that kind of relationship but my parent was like "I am gonna do what I am gonna do and you can't control that". And I don't know why it bugs me that this is their lifestyle, my parents say they don't love eachother or me and my siblings less which I never doubted.

Heres the thing I don't frown upon poly people like it's not my business and also how lovely is it to have so much love in your life right, but for some reason it bugs me that my parents have this lifestyle. I don't want to be bothered by it though and I don't know how to get over what ever it is that I am feeling about this. I am an adult now still living with them and I get upset when my parents are always out with their partners like they spend nights with there partners and I am home taking care of my little siblings. Also for a awhile I was the only sibling who knew.

I think my parents think im supportive(?) / ok with it because they are always telling me about their partners or if they are taking to someone new. (My parents date other people separately, to my knowledge if that means anything) like they are more open about it now that I am older. And hearing about it bugs me like I don't know or have met their partners so I don't really want to know about these people that they see separately. One of my parents tried to introduce me to one of them one time because they were like "I want two important people in my life to meet eachother" which I understand but also I wasn't having it, thankfully my parent thought I didn't want to meet their partner because I am shy.

I know this isn't something I can change on their end, I gave up on that early on when I was in middle school, I was semi accepting through some years but now that they are more open about it with me I realize I still have some sort of upsetting thoughts about it. I love my parents and I want to not be bothered by their relationship but for some reason I can't get over this hurdle. I came here hoping to either get other kids of poly relationships insight or maybe poly parents as well. I am just hoping that maybe someone else's wisdom can help me change perspective so that I am not bothered by it anymore.

edit: my apologies for some unclear things, many of you have assumed that they talk to me about their sex lives, they don't. But this situation does make me think about them being with other people and I feel discomfort when I realize that that is potentially what is happening when my parents are gone for the night. Also I was hoping for advice or insight on how to feel comfortable and get over feeling upset by their lifestyle. Again I don't veiw my parents or poly relationships as icky or bad and wrong or un-ethical. I've realized though that some part that might be bugging me is the fact that I do watch my siblings a lot but I don't really pay rent (I am unemployed right now, my parents have asked me to pay rent with my financial aid money on occasion) But I don't think that watching my siblings is the only thing that is upsetting me. I know this must be frustrating to read because maybe I am not explaining my thoughts and feeling well but I hope you know I am frustrated with myself more than anything. I am so confused and upset because I don't know why I am bothered and why I can't just not be.

semi update: I have read every​ comment so far, thank you for everyone's thoughts it has helped in some ways and also not in others. I was going to go into what it's been like trying to establish boundaries with my parents and try to explain that dynamic and also how I have been treated now that I am an adult but I don't have the time to do that this moment as well as a new situation has came up and there is something seriously wrong with me because why am I upset about this when I don't want to be? My parents are having a get together tomorrow where both of their partners as well as some friends are coming over,(first time that their partners were supposed to come over into our house ever) I was already nervous for that but I was probably going to stay in my room. I don't like people coming over to our house because I am shy and not used to that, we like never have anybody over. (some one in the comments asked about if I had anxiety and yeah I get anxiety overall and socially as well. I'm aware that I get nervous when it comes to sharing my feelings because the reactions I get not just from my parents but from other people in the past has made it hard to feel comfortable to talk about my feelings, I tend to just not say anything.)

Anyways I was semi prepared for tomorrow but it turns out today one of my parents and their partner are gonna be in the living room today and when they told me I still felt upset. honestly I thought after reading a bunch of comments and going to bed I thought I'd wake up and not feel this way anymore...I know that probably sounds crazy but I was hoping that was the case. I have mini errands today so my main problem is I don't want to come home and see my parent and their partner in the living room. If I didn't have to leave my room I wouldn't (someone else made a comment about if I am always home which yeah I am the one who is home the most). I know this is so stupid, being avoident, anxious and I feel arrogant, I hate feeling this way.

I feel llike either on my way out or back in I'll see my parents partner and I don't know what is going to happen. Things are moving a bit fast now that my older sibling knows. Their partners aren't apart of my family and it feels weird to think they will all be in my home. Their relationship has nothing to do with me but it's now starting to impact me more deeply. Again I'm just frustrated with myself, you would think I'd be over/used to it after I have known about this for like 7 or 8 years now.

update pt 2: One of my parents partners is here, I walked out of room saw them and quickly retreated (I wasn't comfortable in the outfit I was wearing and to be honest I tend to scurry to my room whenever someone comes over). My parent just knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to meet them and my parent was like "You are leaving for your errands soon so you like kinda need to knowledge them." My little siblings were snooping behind my parent which I am kinda thankful for it gave me a bit of a buffer...as im writing this out I am so disappointed in myself, I sound so childish and ridiculous geez. Anyways I said "I don't have to though" and my parent has a look on their face, I don't know how to describe it but it was definitely giving to me a "are you for real" or "what's wrong with you" kind of look and then my parent said something like think about it/ its up to you. I am nervous to leave my room now but I have things I need to do in a timely manner. Geez I haven't felt this emotional in so long I have had to stop myself from crying like 3 times today and I even cried myself to sleep last night. I just feel like I am the only problem.

My wife (28F) and I (24M) opened our relationship about two months ago. She originally brought it up because some of her needs weren’t being met. I work a job that requires me to constantly change my personality depending on the situation, and over time I started emotionally detaching. I stopped opening up the way I used to. Around the same time, my wife also became emotionally detached, and after a lot of conversations, we both agreed that opening the relationship seemed like the best option for where we were.
Since then, she has started seeing another guy (20M). He’s very similar to how I was at the beginning of our relationship. They can talk for hours, while I struggle with conversations because I’ve spent so long hiding my emotions. As this poly relationship has continued, I’ve actually started opening up to my wife more than I have in a long time. Almost every day we have deep conversations about my jealousy, fear of abandonment, and fear of being replaced.
I’ve also realized that managing more than one relationship is too difficult for me emotionally, so I stopped looking for other partners. Instead, I’ve found myself becoming angry or upset over small things. I struggle when I see how much time she spends talking to him, gaming with him, or when I hear them tell each other “I love you.” Those moments send me into a depressive mindset, and no matter how much I try to understand why I feel this way, I can’t seem to find an answer.
I talk to my wife about my feelings because she’s really the only person I have who understands what’s going on. I don’t know anyone else in a poly relationship that I can ask for advice. The problem is that these conversations happen almost every day, and I know that’s exhausting for her. She’s told me she wishes I could be happier and more positive instead of focusing on the negative all the time. She has also said that not every day needs to be a deep emotional discussion. I don’t want to be negative, but every day I notice something new between the two of them that reminds me of something I wish I had with her.
She tells me that I still make her happy and that I bring a lot to our relationship, but sometimes I struggle to believe it. The three of us have spent time together, and she’s done a good job of giving both of us equal affection. Even so, it still makes me uncomfortable. When she’s with him, I see a playful, childish side of her that I miss, and it hurts because I wish I was the one bringing that side out.
I keep wondering if it’s normal to feel this way. I want to be everything she needs, and I get incredibly jealous of this other guy. I still blame myself for us opening the relationship in the first place. We’ve had countless conversations about it, and she tells me she doesn’t blame me. She says she doesn’t expect me to become the person I used to be and that she loves me regardless. Even so, I can’t shake the feeling that if I hadn’t changed, if I hadn’t emotionally disconnected, or if I had talked more and been more present, maybe she never would have needed another partner.
What’s confusing is that I’m not miserable all the time. There are moments when I’m completely okay with the situation. When we’re all together, I genuinely have a good time, and seeing her happy makes me happy too. But when they’re alone together, spending hours on the phone, gaming, or falling asleep together on calls, I start feeling anxious and uneasy all over again.
Is it normal to feel this conflicted in a new poly relationship, or am I missing or misunderstanding something about how this is supposed to work?

I’m new to the sub, but not necessarily new to poly and open relationships. I’m a 32M dating a 41F.

Recently my partner of 3 years got a gf. I haven’t truly met the gf, but I happened to FaceTime my partner and the girl was yelling negative things in the background to me.

I’d like to meet her gf, but the gf seems a bit weirded out about me wanting to meet her. She says things like, “why would he want to meet the girl you’re fucking?” and other similar statements.

Long story short my marriage is ending. We were together since college in 2012 married nearly 7 years, and my partner, Yew, has fallen out of love with me.

We were never quite sexually compatible. They didn't know what they wanted, first AFAB, then gender fluid, then Ace, then Bi, and now gay. I'm a straight cis man. Loyal to a fault. Gay is an identity that doesn't involve me anymore.

I won't pretend I didn't contribute or see this coming. I started our poly journey because I had needs they couldn't meet. I'm just sorry that they changed so much and see me as this negative person. I don't want to be the person they see me as, but as I write this I think I'm tired of trying to be someone for them and not someone I want to be.

The hardest part is that if they changed their mind I'd do anything to stay with them. I'm so in love with them and they said they love me but are not in love with me. Marriage to me also means sexual intimacy, and they said they don't find me attractive. They also want to be monogamous with our mutual girlfriend, Oak, who it is very clear wants to be with them and not me so much anymore either.

We tried the counseling thing, and I am seeking professional help. But for those of you out there who have had marriages fall apart and divorced, how did you cope? How do you begin? How can I separate myself from this house, this life, this perception of unconditional love, and all the struggles it brings? I don't want this but I don't think there's much of a choice anymore.

I just wanted a chance to rekindle the spark of romance we once had. But they're a different person and I'm the same old me.

This sucks so bad. Thanks for listening.

Hey guys! First, I wanna say I’ve been a lurker here since I started my poly journey about 10 months ago. Originally a person who was open, I met my partner who had been Poly for 4 years. Admittedly, hesitant, but curious, I went into it doing my research and loving and with the help of this subreddit I have been able to be successful! This will be his first possible relationship since me after his previous break ups before me. We love each other dearly, I believe he is a life partner. What I want to know as someone new to Poly in regards to supporting another person possibly seeking someone else is what do I need to do to support? So I give my opinion? Do I give him the confidence of trust and wish him the best with his actions with another person? I’ve asked him and he has said just believe in him. I think I worry sometimes that I want to support him cause he has a lot of self confidence issues, but I think I’m maybe disrespecting him if I do speak my mind out of concern. I want him to be happy and I just wanna know what my role should be. Thank you all so much!

TLDR: I'm sad about losing my fellow solo poly friend due to an unhealthy dynamic that neither of us know how to fix.

I'm (36M) in kind of a weird situation. I'm solo poly, but have never been in a polycule, or even in a poly relationship (I've known that I'm poly for almost 3 years now though). My friend (40F) is also solo poly, and she's getting attention from a poly couple. I knew I was poly before I met my friend. To be clear, I'm over the moon for her, and I enjoy hearing her talk about her experiences with this couple, and seeing how happy she gets.

The reason I'm worried about losing her is because we have this dynamic where we go months of not talking, and then we hang out quite a bit, then go back to months without talking. The reason for said dynamic is because we both know how to show up for each other when it really counts in ways that others have not been able (or perhaps unwilling) to show up for us, buuuuut.......we also get under each other's skin, and lately this has been happening regularly, which usually signals that we're about to stop talking to each other for awhile. Like, even if we are in a non-talking phase, we still know that we can reach out to the other in an emergency, and the other will be there. Admittedly not a healthy dynamic overall, but neither of us know of a better way to navigate it.

This iteration of our dynamic heading towards parting ways saddens me more than the other times, because I'm going to miss hearing her talk about her experiences with the couple she's involved with. It's just very validating to hear her talk about them because it reaffirms for me that I am poly, even though I haven't been in a poly relationship yet.

The reason I haven't been in a poly relationship is because I have a lot of trauma and self doubt from previous relationships that I'm still working through. I feel like I'm close (a good example is this post......I wouldn't have been able to write this on here even a few months ago.)

Anyway, this post is more of a vent than anything. I just needed to get my feelings out. Constructive insight is welcome though.

I have two partners, Ash and Birch. Me and Ash have been together for 8 years, we live together and have a child. I have been with Birch for 2 years.

When I started seeing Birch, he and Ash knew each other vaguely, but didn't run into each other very often. Since then our social circles have shifted and they go to many same events and share many friends.

Unfortunately Ash is struggling with this a lot. He says he'd rather have a parallel situation where he doesn't have to ever see his meta. He has asked me to ask Birch to not go to all the same events, but that doesn't seem right to me and I have not done that - besides, I can't control where Birch goes.

Ash has become very anxious about this and complains to me that he doesn't have any "safe" social spaces anymore. Trying to discuss where this anxiety comes from has not been fruitful. As far as I know, Birch has been neutral or friendly towards him when they have had interactions.

Any advice? I have a lot of sympathy for Ash's anxiety, but I have no idea what I could do. I can't turn this parallel and because of childcare duties, I'm often not even present when these situations happen so I can't help him there.

So I have some feelings that confuse me, because I am not sure what it is that doesn't sit right. I am autistic with a tendency to take things too literally and sometimes struggle with identifying my feelings. I might be hypersensitive here or inflexible?

Situation: I am divorced and not interested in getting married again. Was never really my dream and now at 40+ with kids and everything it's too complicated.

However, I have a partner I'm very close with that has expressed wanting to marry me. They can't, because they are already married. So this would be some kind of hand-fasting ceremony.

Now on the one hand, this seems very nice and sweet to me, I have no problem declaring my devotion in this way, in theory. And yet it doesn't feel quite right in this situation.

I can think of two reasons and neither seems entirely fair.

1. hierarchy , I guess? I would feel second rank to the legal spouse. I would feel better if both of us had the same here, meaning a symbolic marriage only. I obviously can't ask for that (there are properties and kids involved too) so is it immature to compare like this? My partners emotional and practical investment in me is high, shouldn't that be the point?

2. financial. My partners part of the budget for this ceremony would come out of their families budget, as a consequence of them being married. I dislike that this makes it not just between the two of us, but involves their spouse too. Feels unbalanced somehow. Is it though?

Has anyone here been in this situation? How did it go? Should I get over these doubts or not?

As the title states I'm currently on my explorative journey with poly. I'm still not really sure if poly fits my exact interests. But I'm posting here in hopes to gain some sort of insight on things I feel like I'm missing.

I split with my partner a few months ago who I was in a monogamous relationship with for quite some time. Mostly due to them being uninterested in the non monogamy lifestyle. As hurtful as it is, poly or non monogamy in general seems to be something I feel like I fit into. And I didn't want to grow any resentment towards them because of my interests. And I feel like because I love them so much they deserve to find their happiness in life too.

I haven't explored any relationships in person but have dabbled with it online and have found a few people who have been very comforting with my exploration into the poly world. But being single for awhile now I am a bit lost on understanding the best way to navigate this new experience.

How do you find your confidence in the poly world? Knowing I have to put myself out there as poly brings some slight fears of being judged without being given an opportunity to experience things.

How has your dating experience gone? Is it less intimidating or difficult to find people who have similar interests than I think? From my experience online so far most say they are understanding until it comes down to the understanding that I am not choosing just them all the time. This results in people being hurt and upset with me and cutting me off completely. I understand it's not for everyone I just worry I'm not being as clear as I should be maybe?

Am I poly or something else?

I know this is a generic question but for context, I thoroughly enjoy making new connections and getting attention from people. I have one person in particular I have been talking to for quite some time who is openly poly and we both are very supportive of one another finding other partners and have slowly grown a relationship together. I guess my concern is obviously there's no limit to the partners I'm able to make. But is there a difference between being flirty/sexual with numerous people without specifically making relationships everytime and poly? I definitely want to be committed to numerous partners but I also want to be available to flirt and fool around as well if that opportunity arises. And I think I'm questionable if there's a space for things like this when it comes to being poly? I find comfort in providing myself a form of a label, meaning I have something to understand for myself better so I can educate myself. So I'm curious if there's a label that falls into the poly world for something like this?

Thank you for any support and suggestions as I find myself in this world!

I made this throwaway account intending to write a big, long post that went into all of my history with my spouse, all of the context, etc. But he's out with her now, and I just can't find the energy.

It feels like my heart is being torn open every time they're together. I know he doesn't feel that way when I go out without him. How do I get over it? I so badly want to be OK with it. How do I make it not hurt?

I would like some advice on how to navigate supporting an autistic & adhd partner who struggles a lot with overwhelm. As soon as she gets overwhelmed, she loses capacity to care for me or be considerate at all. We are planning on moving towards being each other’s life partners and moving in together with the other two members of our polycule but I am worried that she isn’t able to be a reliable partner for me.

I know she loves me a lot and cares for me. But she also avoids the things that are hard to deal with (usually something to do with bills, money, forms, her ill cat). When those things come too close or become unavoidable, she gets overwhelmed and I have to step in to help her out of the mess. I have said to her before that I am more than happy to help but I don’t want it to be an emergency, that stresses me out. She agrees and seems to get it and then does it again.

This weekend we were at a festival together. We agreed that she wouldn’t get blackout drunk, no matter what happened, because this has caused conflict before. I paid for her ticket so we could go together with our group of friends. I provided all the camping gear (including my meta’s tent and my partner’s sleeping bag which I borrowed from them). I told her that we need to be careful with everything because it’s fancy gear and it’s important to me that everything makes its way back to them in good nic.

First night, she gets blackout drunk, never checked in with me, never asked me if I was okay when I got lost, pissed on the tent, and spoke badly about me in front of our friends. I confronted her the next morning and she asked what she was supposed to do, that drinking was the only option because she was angry at her dad for what he said to her on the phone that night. I left the festival and am waiting to speak to her when she’s back.

What do I do? How can I trust her again when this is how she treats my trust? I get that life can be too much but I would never get so overwhelmed that my care and love for another person goes out of the window. She seems to lack the self awareness to know when she can’t do something, lacks the skills to take herself away from overwhelm and recuperate. I don’t want to be in a dynamic where I care and give what I can to help and then get discarded as soon as her big feelings are too much for her to handle or life gets tough.

What do I do?

Hi everyone! My spouse and I recently immigrated to Europe, and settled in NL. We had an Ethically Non-Monogamous partnership before leaving our home, but for reasons of settling in new lands, have set aside our Non-Monogamy until we've decided we're comfortable branching out or are ready to see new people.

We're still trying to get comfy with life in NL, but I'm curious if anyone has experienced ENM in NL? Or even EU in general?

What how do you meet new people over here? What's the best way, in your opinion?

How are the dating apps? Are there specific apps for poly/ENM folks?

I'm trying to think ahead for when we're ready to meet new people. Let me know! Thanks!

I was super nervous about the meetup. Hinge invited me to go swimming with them yesterday, and I decided to take him up on the offer. Ended up not swimming because of impending rain, but I did stay for more than an hour. Meta and I didn't actually talk to each other beyond the initial greeting and the goodbye at the end. She was in Mom mode--their kids were the ones swimming--but I didn't perceive any glares or ill thoughts. It was more that we were each having different conversations with Hinge in each other's presence.

All in all, it felt like a good first meeting given the circumstances.

Seeking advice from you all here as a neutral 3rd party!

My primary partner and I used to do pretty regular, unscripted check-ins/updates during the first couple years of our relationship. We've both had a pretty rough time over the past year (them moreso than me). We've both expressed a desire to pick up the check-ins again, and tentatively plan for them, but then when the day comes, we end up doing something else.

I'm very much a "if it's not 2 yeses, it's a no" type person when it comes to a regular RADAR or check-in (if something's urgent that's different). So I keep thinking, okay, maybe today's not the day, we're tired/dealing with some life stuff/enjoying some quality time. And that's okay, I can be flexible about this because I don't want anyone to feel pressured.

That said, it's getting to the point for me that I'm missing out on something I need. Not for reassurance, but for understanding and connection. I come away from those checkpoints feeling much more connected to my partner. However, it feels incredibly awkward to put my foot down on this when we've both had extremely rough times of it.

How did you make asking less awkward?

sorry if post isn't relevant, not sure where else to post.

i am currently in the most "successful" polyamorous relationship i have ever been in. i think i might be in love with them but i am really scared of expressing this. one because i am a little scared they won't feel the same or that i will make things awkward between me & partner (& meta maybe) if feelings are not mutual. i also do not know if i really am in love or just think i am, but that is more to do with my own emotional unawareness. advice?

I guess this is more of a vent, and maybe some virtual hugs would make me feel better. I sense where this is going, but still would be nice to hear how this sounds to someone else. Just to not feel like I'm going insane. Or maybe I am the asshole here somehow?

Me and my long term nesting partner Oak just started "doing poly", something we've been talking about for quite a long time. From my understanding, we still had to do "the work" before adding serious partners, and that we're doing casual encounters first and taking it slow. It was a bit blurry and undefined though, so I guess this all was somewhat predictable. Still, we were definitely not ready to add more serious partners to the mix.

Few months ago, while we were in a bit of a rough spot in our relationship, Oak went on the apps, went on some dates with Birch. And within pretty much a few weeks a casual encounter turned into a "connection they are both shocked about and have never experienced before" and weekly dates, sometimes even more often.

Oak pretty much immediately told me that they have never had this kind of sex before, and multiple times after their dates I've had to hear about some new sexual experience they had.

Birch doesn't have any poly experience, was not looking for a relationship, and is basically going to try poly for Oak. Which in itself wouldn't be that bad because we're also kinda new to poly, and have to start somewhere right? But when Oak asked Birch to engage with the poly resources, Birch implied that basically they're just going off vibes, and didn't seem really interested in doing the work. Oak is pretty much saying the same things now.

From everything I've heard, Birch does not sound like an emotionally mature person. Oak has said that Birch is "a troubled person", and Birch's friends keep joking that Oak doesn't know what they're getting into.

Oak is already meeting Birch's friends and slowly becoming integrated in their social circle. Oak doesn't have much of a social circle outside of this, and from what it sounds like they're planning to have this be their social circle, and that's enough.

And to make things even worse, they have already been talking about taking ecstasy together. Oak also told me that Birch is a bit hesitant about the poly thing, and maybe that would help them open up and share feelings. I expressed to Oak that it's really not a good idea, and actually sounds super sketchy.

I also expressed that, if they plan to do it, I wouldn't be comfortable if they do drugs at our home while I'm away travelling, and to please do it somewhere else. The answer I got was that they can't promise that. When I got really upset about this answer, I got accused of restricting them.

In case you're wondering why I know this much - I did not want or need to know any of this. Since early on, I've repeatedly said that I would only like to hear updates about when they plan dates, and updates if Oak's sexual risk profile changes (and Birch's risk level is very high by my standards). At least for the first few months I'd like to hear as little as possible. This has not been respected.

The frustrating thing is that besides this all, I'm really happy Oak is having this experience. If my feelings were respected and I felt like our relationship was not put on the back burner, I'd let them make their own obvious first time poly mistakes and have this experience. So if Oak was better at hinging, this could have been so much easier on everyone.

Anyway, I said that - hey, we can maybe make this work, but please please let's also plan to leave enough time to work on our relationship to finish doing the work that we should have done before this adventure. I expressed that to feel safe in this relationship, I really need to feel that there's some initiative and attention from Oak's side so I'm not the only one scrambling and spending all my energy to avoid disaster.

I've spent a ton of time trying to basically manage all the emotional labour for two relationships, to try to scramble to make a plan on how to avoid complete disaster. Tried to schedule RADAR sessions, make a plan for reconnecing and trying to make a plan of doing "the work". But Oak has been busy with work and too tired to have attention for this, and feels like they're spending the rest of energy on their new relationship. And almost all of the dates I've tried to plan have been cancelled.

We are now travelling together to my home country, and I had an important performance that I was super stressed out about. I asked Oak if we can please focus on our relationship during this trip, and to please not mention Birch at least the day of my performance, because it's really destabilizing at this point. That didn't happen - Oak mentioned Birch multiple times on the day, and was texting with Birch right before and during my gig. I never disturb or text Oak when they're out on dates, and they had a sleepover at our place just a few days ago.

This all has been extremely hard for me. Every time I've tried to express how Oaks behavior hurts me, I end up having to defend myself for expressing this "too often", but it never really gets resolved because nothing changes. I can't say I have handled this well, but each time having my limits crossed just got to me eventually, and it's the first time I'm in this situation, and it feels like I was doing this on hard mode.

Not really sure what to do, but I'm guessing it's way past the point of repair. And it sucks.

I recently had my first STD (turns out you can be fully protected but still catching oral gonno from kissing? 😅)

Both my partners got tested and one of them was also positive.

We both got treatment last week and were careful with one another just in case reinfection could happen.

Last night, that partner saw their other person. They’d told this person and the person had said they were going to get tested, but it turns out they hadn’t gotten around to it before last night. My partner went ahead and interacted with them anyway, so potentially has exposed themselves again. Tonight I’m staying over and I’ve just found this out. I guess I’m not kissing or fooling around with them tonight!

But I’m feeling pissed that they knowingly created a risk, knowing it would mean I might have to accept the risk too or avoid sex. Is it fair that I feel upset?

I (28 they/them) am rethinking my relationship with my girlfriend (23 she/they).

We are both new to polyamory and agreed from the beggining this was the relationship agreement. We agreed on starting with parallel poly with the objective of doing garden party poly.

We met back in october (8 months ago) and have been seeing each other sexually and romantically since. We took it slow and made it official back in march (4 months ago).

We both went through very intense stuff during that time and supported each other through it. I had to sue my employer and her mom got really sick. So far it has been a good relationship and we have been able to work through and repair after small conflicts.

Two weeks ago, while i was studying for a very important exam, she asked me if i minded if a girl she has been getting to know came to a party we had planned on going to. The agreement we had in place is to not have two partners/dates at the same time in the same place. I am not against meeting metas at some point if it becomes serious, but the fact that it was sprung on me when we had that agreement in place, 3 days before said party, and during my studying, really messed with me and my concentration.

I hadn't been able to process my feelings until now because of the stress of the exams + results. But I am deeply hurt.

I have been lurking in this subreddit for a while, have read books, know the lingo, have worked on myself and my self-regulation, etc. She hasn't "studied" polyamory.

One more thing is that when asked what kind of polyamory she wanted to practice, she told me hierarchical, while I want to do non-hierarchical / RA. But when we talked about what that meant, her answers reflected more RA values. Once again, she doesn't really know what the labels mean exactly and needs to do research.

At this point, I am very hurt because the first time the agreement we had was made relevant, she questioned it because she was reacting. She also tells me too much information about how it goes with the other person. I have been the one to put limits on what she tells me, but she doesn't seem to put limits herself and relies on me to do so.

Should I cut my losses or give her a chance?

I want to talk to her because it seems she understands where she messed up. But what I don't want is for her to make another mistake that causes me hurt and that was very avoidable (like this one).

Thank you, dear community 🙏🏻

My partner of 10+ years and I are at a crossroads - after living together in my home country for years, they have concluded that they wish to return to their country of origin, as they can no longer see themselves staying in mine and being happy long term. And I don't blame them - things can be difficult here, and having lived abroad myself, I totally get this wish to return to the familiar. However, I do not want to move, as I enjoy the life I've built here. And therefore we have basically concluded that there is no other option but to break up, even if we did not wish to do so.

While we'd love to continue our relationship, it seems impossible to think how one could build a proper, rooted life where one is, while simultaneously maintaining a committed, deep relationship thousands of kilometers away, with no prospect of either one of us ever wanting to live in the other country again.

As we're poly and as such no strangers to non-traditional relationships, I've been trying to think whether there could be a way to de-escalate and/or transform our relationship in some kind of a way that would allow us to remain partners, to a degree at least, if not quite in such a deeply committed and entangled manner as up to now.

I'm not sure whether this would be possible, but I'd love to hear people's experiences - also should they be of the "yeah we tried it 🆘️ and trust me, it won't work" variety.

I'm not too optimistic about this myself and do my best to not hang all my hopes on some naive idea, especially since my partner has another partner in the country they are returning to, and I presume they might quite naturally end up escalating their relationship when proximity allows for more time spent together.

(My partner has said this is not a case of them choosing a life with their other partner over a life with me, and I have no reason to doubt them, but of course my hurt little heart has all kinds of feelings related to this aspect of the situation.)

And so...

Have you ever managed to de-escalate an enmeshed LTR into a different kind of a partnership, one that would still be romantic though otherwise different than before? Or have you transformed a long relationship into a deep friendship that is truly fulfilling, even if you had to go through pain to get there? And how on earth to handle that pain without starting to resent the person who is,in the end, causing it?

All thoughts, ideas and experiences welcome!

When I first told my family that I’m polyamorous and in a committed relationship with someone other than my wife they of course were a quite confused, but overall expressed that they loved me no matter what, which was better than I expected at the time considering they are devout Mormons. They didn’t show much curiosity about that part of my life and seemed to try to ignore it for the most part, but that didn’t stop my wife and I from talking about it and trying to share it with them. A few weeks ago I was at the beach with them and my dad asked about my partner and her job search (they are in the same profession). This was a big step and I felt encouraged that they might be ready to meet someone very important to me. For context, I am married and have been since before being poly. I found my partner and we started dating and then my wife and her became best friends, then started dating too so we are now effectively a throuple. No, we are not unicorn hunters, it just kinda happened that way. She has moved in with us, we both consider her a life partner, and all my future plans include her.

Since my partner is essentially their future pseudo-daughter-in-law, and given the progress I thought they had made, I asked if it would be ok if she visits with me sometime. The answer I got was a resounding “no”. My parents would be willing to meet her if they visit us (something they’ve been promising for awhile but have never done) but they will not allow her in their house or at their gatherings. My mom made excuses to take the responsibility of the decision off of them, but it was clear that it was just because they think my situation is too abnormal and they don’t agree with it. Me, my wife, and any kids I have would be welcome in their home, but not someone I love who my future children will call mother.

Obviously I was very upset after this conversation where some hurtful things were said on both sides, and now I’ll have to establish boundaries with my parents. This means they won’t see me for holidays as I’m not leaving family behind and both of my partners’ families want to see ALL of us for the holidays. It also means that they will be seeing less and less of me, because it was already difficult taking time away from my partner to visit and our lives are only becoming more entangled. Luckily, I have a great support system around to make up for the loss I’m feeling. Yesterday we were with my wife’s family for Independence Day and they all gave me big hugs, held my hands, and poured out their love and support.

My journey with polyamory has been filled with so much love and hope, but this is definitely my toughest moment so far.