r/polyamory

my wife and I decided to not look for other relationships right now because of some of the issues we were having. A little context I hurt them deeply and we were trying to work through that.

A past relationship came into town and she is spending the week with him. I said that if they decided to rekindle things, it would feel like cheating to me. She specifically said that she doesn’t want to care about my feelings because I hurt her and she just wants to be herself.

I know that they were intimate this week so it’s a new relationship

Do I just let it go because I hurt them in the past?

please delete if not allowed

6 years into our 7 year relationship he discovered he’s poly. I am not. We agreed that we both still want each other and continued the relationship. We were clear on my stance and his. However, at no point did we agree to open things up. In fact, I’ve said to him that if he wants to continue w me he’s agreeing to continue monogamy and if he wants poly he should go elsewhere. He said he wanted me. Then, he cheated. When confronted about his infidelity he says “I told you I’m poly.”

And, I feel like I don’t know what I can say to that! It’s like his get out of jail free card. I’m left feeling stupid.

I came here for support so please be kind.

Does being poly mean you can’t control your urge to be with other people? Emotionally and/or sexually

If not, how do I respond when he says this to me? Every time I am just left crying and with no words to say.

This is my first time making a Reddit post in general and I wanted to ask a question that's been bugging me for the most few week. I've been in a relationship with a girl for about 9 months now, from the start we've been open about Polyamory and how we want to try it and so far it's been good up until the last few weeks.

I had an accident and had to do a surgery in my clavicle bone. Right now she is in another town about 1.5 hours away by car and for the past 1 month and 2 weeks she hasn't made any movement to come and see me, see says that she is being busy with work (she works 4 hours everyday as a waitress) and she is being trying to gather money cause she will go in an Erasmus University Program to Portugal at the start of September for 5 months.

I've been all alone for the past month in my home cause all of my friends are on a vacation or working (rn I'm unable to work) and I was just texting her to see how things are going and in general cause she was the only one that I was thinking about when I was all by my self in my house. I was just texting her like "Hey I miss you, when are you coming back to the city so we can hangout?" "I want us to make the most of it before you leave for the Erasmus Program".

She told me through the phone that I've been pressuring her that I'm not the only person in her life and that I'm manipulative for saying to her everyday that I can't wait to see her again.

I also need to ad up that rn where she is staying she is staying with a new partner of hers and I get the excitement I'm happy for her but I also feel left out and emotionally paralysed from the fact that she is not making any room on her schedule to come and see me.

I can also provide further info if you want so that we can untangle the situation because I'm feeling very stressed and saddened by the fact that see didn't make any moves to come and see me.

My partner Jasper was not great about time management in any aspect of his life. However; one of the main reasons I broke up with them, was because whenever we had a date, they would consistently be late. Like 20-30 min late. Sometimes even an hour and 1/2 late.

And the reason he would give, is because either his friends or his wife or his wife’s partner would call him and would need him to do them favors such as fix the car, or pick up something at the store, or go grab something from his friends house, or a myriad of other excuses.

I never felt like a priority on date nights. And now I’m doubting myself, as one does, because I am thinking, is this a valid reason among other reasons such as lack of communication to break up with someone. And yes I have tried to communicate with him about these issues but the lack of time management and lack of communication among other issues remain the same.

Edit: thank you all so much! I knew deep in my heart it was the right thing to do and just seeing it from strangers on Reddit helped so much! I feel at peace with my decision and now I can happily move on!!

Advice? I met my partner a year ago at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything exclusive. Id never really thought of poly for myself, but was open to it - I’m at least pretty understanding of liking multiple people (as I’ve always had crushes in relationships) and the values (autonomy, etc) make sense to me.

Anyway, my partner had another partner at the time who I met pretty early on while visiting. We were long distance for the first 9 ish months of dating. I never minded poly, I maybe had some jealousy around the occasional date. We recently ended the distance and at first it involved lots of group hangs - maybe one or two a week which I told my partner was too much for me - because I tend to get into a comparison spiral and feel really tender/ emotionally tired by the end. I did end up hanging with my meta alone many times though and became friends.

Just recently I went camping for 3 days with my meta and my partners family for a work project and it kind of left me a mess. It probably doesn’t help that we all got high and it hit me a bit weird over the weekend. We all slept with our sleeping mats together and while going to bed I kept thinking “wow, this person really lays next to my girlfriend, they’re actually intimate together” and feeling pretty upset. I also kept getting in my head about their conversations or whatever romantic chemistry I noticed. The part that felt hard was noticing that the person with whom I have this special, intimate relationship with also has that with someone else. I felt really overwhelmed by the end of the weekend and needed alone time to go cry a lot, which my girlfriend saw.

I never felt that strongly about any of poly, or even had these types of thoughts at all. I’ve generally been pretty open. I’m not 100% sure how to approach the conversation with my gf because even I am confused. I know for sure that I definitely can’t handle sleeping next to my partner and meta, or multiple days in a row together. The experience has at least made it so that I don’t wanna have any hangouts with my meta and partner at all for a while. But unsure how to untangle the new monogamous leaning thoughts.

So I have a crush on a new friend of mine who’s in a group of newer friends as well we are all vibing. But they know my primary partner from family friends. My primary partner is also in this friend group. How do I navigate this? Is it bad if I pursue or like the friend? It’s not that deep but I’m trying to have less shame with exploring my feelings and following my pleasure so I need advice pls.

I (f) am new and I want to hear other peoples perspectives.

I met a (m) who was very open and honest that he and his partner were ENM but very committed and in love.

We started getting to know each other and shortly after, before any physical activity, I met his partner (f).

I have been physical with both together and both separately. There is no jealousy among us 3. But I have developed actual romantic feelings for her, while remaining friends with him. She feels the same way about me, he knows it and is very supportive of our relationship.

They also both have separate fwbs, swing with couples, and recently brought in another f for a threesome.

I should add, I am single, not looking for something serious but would like to have a partner, someone who hangs out, spends the night sometimes, knows my kids, I can tell how my day went etc… but that’s not where I’m at right now.

I feel ok with the structure, even though I get jealous or sometimes knowing they are sleeping all night together, after I have left, leaves me feeling really lonely. We’ve talked and they both work hard to make sure they check in with me, reassure me, want me to know I’m an important part of their lives. We are planning how to make overnights work.

The issue is they both are very openly always searching for more partners. I know ENM is about letting relationships be what they will and not being held back by typical relationships rules but isn’t there a point when you have enough relationships, fwbs, hookups, that you should stop and develop the ones you already have?

In my head I figured you develop relationships or not, it’s ok to have feelings for more than one person.

I guess I just feel really insignificant, even though I know I’m not. How do I talk myself out of the shaking and panicking and just feeling in danger that happens in my body when I hear about another play date they have set up, not with me? Her more so, I honestly haven’t been too bothered by his hookups.

Hello! If you are in a hierarchal relationship(s), how do you specifically describe this to a new partner?

Context: I am entering a new relationship with a long-time friend who is poly and married. This is their first relationship (outside this marriage) that has unfolded into a potential long-term commitment. Right now they don't have a lot of clarity on describing the hierarchies with their spouse in this new context. I have asked them to take some time and come back to me with more specificity on decision making, time and availability, and potential for escalation in our relationship.

So what have these conversations looked like for you? Is there anything else I should ask? New to dating a married person, not new to ENM. Thanks so much!

‎Hello poly reddit.

‎

‎Backstory. I've only done dating apps once 8 years ago, did it very half assed, and ended up meeting a long term partner the first week(luck). Asked my current partner for help, she suggested I post here since it's been longer for her.

‎

‎This is basically the same profile I have on Feeld and Okcupid. Except on Feeld I have "kink friendly" at the end, and the hidden section for matches. Also have this on plura, but Ive been neglecting that app.

‎

‎Maybe it's too wordy, but also shallow? The neurospicy in can't tell. Thanks in advance for feedback.

‎

‎

‎Vitals, 38, white male. Demisexual, I have demi showing in the orientation/options, so don't mention it in profile body, but maybe I should? Don't have kids and don't want them myself which is selected, but I don't have a problem with them. My current partner has two, they're awesome, so maybe put that in the body?

‎

I edited out some specifics and changed minor details, a friend of mine is always on here, and kind of embarrassed about posting. He'll probably figure it out and roast me a little in private, but give me earnest advice anyways😂

‎My profile body.

‎Neurospicy geek here!

‎

‎Poly with one LTR partner. We're two cities and a long drive away now due to work moves, so it's LDR, but fairly high frequency LDR. We date separately. It's a KTP dynamic. Which has been great, it fits naturally for us, but I've dated parallel, too, I let things fit however feels natural. I don't date DATY(to each their own, not my thing).

‎

‎I'm Looking to find a local person/s. Open to wherever a relationship develops naturally, but I'm not a hookup/ONS stand person. I'm looking for ongoing regular dates or hang outs. Not hard set on frequency, but once a week on up where schedule permits would be cool. If there's long term potential even better. Someone to go on some random outings(parks, to water, thrifting, farmers markets, etc), go to concerts or comedy shows. I've noticed with now being in an LDR that I miss the frequency of the little things, so someone to enjoy the chill times, some cuddles to a trippy thriller/campy sci-fi show/movie with some good convo would be great

‎

‎I'm pretty romantic, and also pretty open if I'm comfortable. Touch is my main love language, but quality time and the others are important.

‎

‎---edited location history out here, but was one sentence long----

‎

‎My personality:

‎

‎Astrology messes with my logical brain, but ---edited out my sign--- kinda hits it on the nail at least for surface level🤣 So for fun: ---edited--- out my birth chart signs---. I'm pretty social, for sure an extrovert, but with a healthy need for down time. I can get sucked into a random convo about parallel universes late into the night, or be down for trying something I've never done.

‎

‎l♥️ travel. Favorite ---edited out, it detailed a time I lived out of country--- My travel bucket list is long!

‎

‎I'm a geek with geek hobbies(MTG, board games), and a nerd with nerd hobbies(amateur astronomy, fixing busted computers/game consoles). If it sounds fun, I usually try it, or you could get me to. Used to swing dance in college, and been wanting to do that again. I like dressing up and going to festivals(---edited---)!

‎

‎I'm hooked on audiobooks, currently going back through early cyberpunk, but enjoy lit, classic lit, fantasy. I'm a podcast junkie, space topics or any mystery stuff is my jam.

‎

‎Poly for 11 years. I started with a KTP polycule, then dated happily solo parallel for years until I met my current partner. It's KTP, real friend switch her hubby. We date separately, and I'm happy with any dynamic that is natural(except DATY, not for me), but I do like the closeness and community feel when everyone gets along in person. That said, I'm not trying to find someone to shove into that dynamic.

‎

‎I sometimes ramble 😅, but I swear I'll listen 🤪

‎

‎I'll pass on right wingers/apolitical/etc.

‎You'll also get pics of my dog being cute as hell.

‎

‎Thats it.

After copying it here and reading through, I caught stuff and repition I already want to edit, but leaving as is for advice!

‎I live in a pretty liberal city so there's a solid dating pool. I've got matches and started chatting. Haven't had this up for too long, but my gut says it's probably lacking or maybe too long.

‎

‎I'm kind of awkward when texting/messaging someone I don't know yet. Come off a little rigid, I think. I'm really comfortable with strangers/new people in person though, people say I'm fun. So I'm comfortable with dates early on vs messaging a lot, but I know that's not a comfort level for many which is totally understandable, so I left that out of the profile. I don't even say that when chatting early....well because of the "bad at texting" cliche...but it's true😭. Plus when I thought of putting something about this in, I was worried it'd give the impression I must be awkward/rigid in person, too. Or it would seem like I'm just looking for a hookup/ONS, which I'm not. There may be no good way to get this across and I'll just chug through the awkwardness.

‎Oh, is a cat in a pic really as much of an auto pass as it seems from this sub? I don't have a picture with my dog currently, but I got one holding my friend's kitten because I think it's a flattering photo of me lol.

‎

Thanks for any advice poly friends

‎

‎

I(m) have been dating my girlfriend for about a year, we’re now involving another person (F), and though nothings official yet! I’ve been really struggling with feeling of shame (?) because I can’t get the stereotype of “1 guy and two girls” in that fetishy, dehumanizing woman way out of my head and I have no idea how to get over it :/
For some context, I do have OCD and I very well may be fixating on this because of it, but I was just wondering if anyone has felt the same and what they did to get over it?
I know I’m very much not like that but I still for some reason feel very grossed out with myself? I’m sorry if this isn’t something anyone can give advice on/is a dumb question 😅

Edit: Okay to give some more context? I’ve been good friends with this person for about a year, I’m the one who introduced her to my girlfriend and they ended up hitting it off really well, more than just “friendly”! At first they were just messing around but my girlfriend admitted she might be gaining feelings, that was fine with me, I had a great relationship with this friend and wouldn’t have minded one bit if she and my girlfriend were dating…and then this friend started to pursue me! We’ve all been communicating well, and have already made it clear to this woman that she does not have to pursue both of us! My girlfriend and I have been trying our best to communicate with her but also just kind of go with the flow and not put any pressure on her.

I really appreciate everyone who has given helpful tips poly wise and OCD wise, I am very much ruminating and will be bringing it up with my therapist next time I see her..😅
And I know I still have lots to learn, my girlfriend is the first person I’ve dated that’s been comfortable being non-monogamous so this is all new to me, I appreciate you all!

My boyfriend and his girlfriend are on their second child-free week of holliday this summer.

For many reasons, we didn't get as much time together. We only got 3 childfree days, and 1 week with the kids, where my boyfriend was nervously exhausted all week long. I felt anxious and disconnected from him most of the week, and left extremely distressed.

Now he is in vacation with my meta, he needs space, he needs to relax, he needs to communicate less... and I'm just feeling jalous, abandonned, angry, emotionnaly exhausted.

I'm starting to feel like the poly + long distance + 2 primaries is an impossible situation, and that this is not worth the emotionnal storms I'm dealing with. Most of the time, we are struggling to find time together. So everytime we haven't seen each-other much, the jalousy when he spends time with his girlfriend becomes a lot. The problem is not that he has another partner, the problem is that we live 2h appart, he has 2 kids, and there is no way around that unless one of us change town, wich is not going to happen anytime soon.

I am being anxious, but I think I'm also being realistic here.

I am super sad, incredibly distressed, I've asked for reassurance, I talked to many friends, I came back to poly vidéos on jalousy, I don't know what to do to stop feeling like shit. I hate everything about the way I feel right now. This absolutely sucks.

Hi everybody! Pretty new to poly, but really want to understand its dynamics because I know I have non-monogamy in my bones. I'm dating a woman in a triad. She lives with them (but will be moving in with me soon), and they have all been together about 5 years.

My girlfriend has said she wants me to be her primary partner. Everything to date has reflected that statement (desire to move in together, build a future together, etc), apart from what I suppose would be a relationship hierarchy. The triad throws the word primary around a lot, but I don't think they're using it correctly, and I'm more inclined to call the husband and wife anchor partners.

I'm looking for true primacy. I would like to remarry at some point. I retired in my 30s and am fully self-sustaining due to some very lucky investments and vested options, and would like to encourage my girlfriend to join me in my slower-paced life (she is a freelancer). I want to set her up for life in the event of my death. I want to share my whole life with her, and am currently unsure if I'd ever date outside of our relationship because she feels very fulfilling to me. I suspect when the NRE wears off, that opinion will adjust.

But that primacy also feels really, really, hard to achieve in the face of 5 years of existing dynamic. They just have a very natural way of things together, which as a new player I feel like I have a ton to learn. My girlfriend is transparent with me about what she wants (no mind reading, thank God). But all the same it's hard to be on vacation with them, see her in distress, and have her other boyfriend leap into action to care for her while I stand there, thumb up my ass, whistling Dixie because I don't know how to make that connection of "Issue X requires Solution Y."

I'm a very insecure person, and am in therapy for that now (and making huge headway!). This relationship has exposed a lot of that insecurity to me, such that it can be really hard to parse what's just the insecurity talking and what's a genuine worry. Has anybody else walked this road? Is there a path to surmounting the wall, or is it just a question of "be patient, attentive, and run your own race?"

I’ve been pondering lately on what our responsibilities are to children and coparents, when we are in polyamorous relationships, particularly in RA/solo poly/lack-of-prescriptive-hierarchy set ups.

Like, do “primary” or “anchor” partnerships offer the greatest level of security and consistency for kids? If we want children to have a stable upbringing, should we be prescriptively prioritising their other parent/s, over other relationships we might form? Are we introducing too much risk and uncertainty when we aim for relationship anarchy and only embrace the descriptive type of hierarchies that are unavoidable when you coparent with someone.

And, is it asking too much of a coparent, to ask them to accept a relationship set up where they are not a defacto primary/anchor, and where any change in priorities could leave their coparenting (and parenting!) relationship in a very different shape? Does a primary/anchor arrangement even mitigate for that?

Or, on the flipside, is the idea that primary/anchor partnerships offer stability actually a myth, and is relying on the structure of a relationship to give you more security a pitfall? Does it actually give children more stability to have flexible arrangements that allow agreements to be renegotiated as new partners arrive in our lives and our priorities change? Does a long term hierarchy agreement just amount to “staying together for the kids no matter what”, which a lot of people agree (especially those who grew up around conflict) is no bueno.

What other solutions besides an explicit primary/anchor agreement provide stability for kids, and also security for coparents? Is there an inherently higher risk, or potential for conflict, in one relationship style or another?

As someone who has experienced the breakup of a coparenting relationship previously, I do think a lot about how the choices we make affect our kids, and how best to handle the intersection of parenting and polyamory. It’s also really common for someone who has just become a parent with a partner, having been previously fine with polyamory, to have a second thoughts once children arrive in the picture.

Anyway, interested to hear your opinions, regardless of whether you have kids yourself or not.

ETA: Just to clarify, my own situation is very non-traditional, RA coparenting. The musing on this was sparked by lively dinner table conversation, and I’m just interested in theoretical viewpoints, not looking for advice on my own situation. ☺️

Hi, (23f) I’ve been poly for a while but I still feel new to polyamory. I’m currently in a relationship with my now girlfriend (23f), and she is in a relationship with me and two others who are all three VERY new to polyamory. (One is more of a situation-ship and not official quite yet)

I’m having a hard time because she just told me that she has been sexually active with both other partners, but she’s made her boundaries clear that she doesn’t want that with me.

And I am not mad that she doesn’t want that with me or that she’s not attracted to me, since nobody can control attraction. But I’m feeling hurt. I don’t know how to move forward, or feel better, or find out what my needs are in this instance.

We’re both Demisexual so out of anyone, I know sex doesn’t equal love and I don’t need it, but I’m still a little heartbroken that our connection feels like it’s not as deep as her other ones. I can’t help but feel as if she loves them more or that I’m a glorified friend to her.

Jealousy and insecurity has been a big hurdle for myself to conquer, so it’s felt like my fears have come to fruition.

I’m going to talk to her about how I’m feeling, but I told her I need to figure myself out before continuing.

If someone has any advice or recommendations, I would greatly appreciate it, thank you in advance, I’m on a throwaway since I didn’t want anyone irl to know it’s me

This is my first experience with poly relationships; hinge has been practising poly for about 2 years, I've been doing it for 3 months.

Meta (hinge's primary) adores me and is very supportive of our relationship, though naturally sometimes feels jealousy - but they and hinge deal with it and work through it on their own.

I've been told by them that I have really great instincts around how to behave in a poly relationship, am very respectful of their relationship, am great at communicating and so on.

But even so, poly for me is untreaded territory, and loving your secondary is untreaded territory for hinge. Hinge and I are looking to go on a trip together soon.

Any advice? Please be kind, I'm new to all of this!

Okay so…I know I’m not actually cowgirling so it’s a little clickbait-y, just hear me out.

So I met my partner, Aslan we’ll call them, at work over a year ago and we hit it off as friends, then eventually fell in love after they revealed to me they’re poly, and live with their partner, Ari.

Now.

Let’s discuss their partner, Ari.

I haven’t met Ari, I haven’t seen them interact, so everything I’m saying comes from secondhand experience, and I know, I know, I should have vetted better.

Basically, Ari kind of treats them like sh!t.

Aslan is expected to be on call and supportive of whatever it is Ari wants to do, 24/7. Ari doesn’t have a support system outside of Aslan because all they really do is play video games all day, regularly get day drunk, etc etc.

Aslan is always complaining about how stressed they are, how tense their body is, a lot of our time together is spent with me soothing them and helping them relax from the constant emotional and physical support they give Ari.

I don’t mind it at all, in fact, I genuinely want to be there for Aslan, hence why I do those things for them.

A few months into Aslan and I officially dating, Ari, with little warning, breaks up with Aslan.

I naturally wanted to be there for Aslan, and I did everything I could and still am being there for them as much as they request of me.

But….

Aslan is still expected to be on call and be there for Ari. Aslan continues to provide all of the same things for them even though they are no longer together romantically.

Watching this has been absolutely heartbreaking for me because Aslan really cares for them, and I want what’s best for both of them.

But Ari can take or leave them, and it hurts to see.

I’ve asked them if they foresee them ever getting back together and they said genuinely they don’t know, and that Ari is just really bad at communicating their feelings.

So I guess I feel like I could be unintentionally cowgirling because I have stepped into the role of partner in a way I’m not sure Ari has or will, and it’s not my intention to “steal” Aslan.

I just hate seeing them being treated like this.

Ultimately I know Aslan’s choices are their own, I just don’t quite know what role I should play in all of this, or if I’m okay watching this happen again and again.

UPDATE:

So I had real talk with Aslan about the future of our relationship and where they see it going/how they envision it, and they told me that it all depends on how a conversation with Ari goes at the end of this month because that will determine if they live in their place still.

Because, they think they’re going to get back together with Ari.

Needless to say, it hurt the fuck out of me to know that basically everything I’ve done for them has been in service to them getting back with Ari when Ari dumped them.

So…I think I’m going to end it, and soon.

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies and reminders to hold Aslan responsible.

I am new to enm/poly and am curious about how experienced people decide who to date and who to not in order to minimize drama and conflicts within your inner circle and for your own sake. I mean, do you even take in consideration how others will feel before deciding whether or not you will date someone? And what are the other red flags for you?

I hope I’ve explained this well since English isn’t my first language, sorry in advance x)

I’m having a party coming up. I will have at least two FWB people there, although only one is the most active for those types of visits. I will open up my house for people who want to crash there cause everyone lives over an hour away but now I’m having a thing about who do I invite to sleep with me? Maybe it should I just be my sister to make it fair…. lol. How have others made this decision?

I’m not actually having a crisis over this, just sort of amused but a little concerned about social awkwardness.

Last summer I (cis-man) met a guy (also cis-man) who I initially had a really lovely connection with and felt like it was going somewhere, until he shared a boundary set by his girlfriend (cis-woman) that felt fairly discriminatory to me and I still haven't fully processed it.

Specifically, if he had unprotected (barrier-free) sex with a gay man, that his girlfriend would not have sex with him until he had a clear STI panel at least three months after the encounter. This did not apply to women, bi men, or trans folks - very specifically cis gay men.

He acknowledged that it was "less than ideal" but that also "boundaries are boundaries". I didn't press further and stopped hanging out with him.

As far as I see it though, this boundary isn't just "less than ideal", it's fully and entirely homophobic. To be quite honest I don't see how it would be different to swap "gay men" with people of color or trans individuals into that boundary.

I didn't press on this though, and decided to just pull back quietly from the person. To be clear, I am happy to use condoms. But I am not happy to have to do so under the control of a very clearly homophobic boundary.

Really just looking for additional perspectives here: is my read on this fair? At what point does a boundary become discriminatory or otherwise unethical in its foundation? Have any of y'all encountered this before?