I recently spent a weekend in Ptown Massachusetts. Very expensive gay vacation spot. It got me wondering, where do poly people go to vacation?
So many gay vacation spots, I am ready to show up for a poly destination.
I’m in a 4.5 year long pretty messy and painful polyamorous situation. My partner has been on and off seeing his long time sweetie throughout our relationship. Despite many attempts on my end to be close with her, She has explicitly expressed that as long as him and I are together, she will never be friends with me. She is friends with many of my friends, and our lack of closeness has a big impact on me.
He describes her as his “best friend” and he tells her everything about our relationship. I realized recently that I don’t want her knowing everything about our relationship, because she does not treat me with kindness, and I don’t want someone who does not treat me kindly to know everything about me.
I recently experienced a pregnancy loss, and it really shook my partner and I. I don’t want her to know about it because it is extremely personal information, and I am only telling a few very close friends.
My partner feels like because I’ve asked him not to tell her, that he can only have distance with her now and they can’t be as close. He is very upset about not being able to tell her because she is someone who supports him a lot. But I feel certain that I am not ready for her to know.
Thoughts? Advise? Tips? Compassion?
Thanks <3
My partner likes to tell me that he wants me to be equal to his spouse, he "doesn't want me to feel secondary". He's married, and tells me the marriage, legally, was for insurance purposes. His romantic notions of the future have stopped doing it for me, and it's made me start feeling resentful. I want some level of escalation in the future (financial protection for the future, sharing finances, beneficiary designation) that aren't on the table because of his marriage. He said he wants those things with me too, but that doesn't mean I'm secondary because he's married, and wants us all to be equal.
So I asked the question that I thought I'd never have the guts to ask. "If the legal marriage was strictly for insurance purposes, you don't care for the institution, and you have a state government/pension job with healthcare now, would you get a divorce so none of us are married?"
The answer wasn't no, but it wasn't yes. I told him he has 6 months to discuss it with his partner, and saying no wouldn't mean a breakup. I need to stop treating him as a potential primary partner and date intentionally for a primary partner if he can't offer me what I need. I'm starting to feel like I was too harsh, and it's a shitty thing to ask, but at the same time it was weighing on me and I needed to ask. I know opinions about this are extremely mixed, and I need to stress this wasn't an ultimatum or an effort at triangulation. I have no ill will to their marriage, but needed to stop feeling like I was holding it in and just plainly as the question. That's all. Maybe I'm the bad guy. I don't know. I guess we'll find out. Thanks for the ear(s).
When you seek advice about your relationship from strangers in a public forum, it’s important to understand that some of the strangers giving you advice could be harboring the same traits that you’re contending with.
There’s people in this forum who are unclear in their wants and expectations from a relationship and they’re going to advise you to have a lot of patience for that.
There’s people who explain their points of view using jargon but stumble when asked what the jargon clearly means, and they’re gonna advise you stuff like “welp, you said you’re not anchor partners so you shouldn’t expect x y or z.”
There’s people in this forum who withhold information as an act of dishonesty and don’t know the difference between that and privacy, and they’re going to advise you to ignore your gut because you aren’t entitled to some information that you’ve asked for.
There are know-it-alls on this forum who are jumping at the bit to look really woke and they are going to give you terrible sexual health advice for the opportunity to posture their progressive.
There are people in here who are like the people you’ve come to receive insight about, and they aren’t necessarily gonna give you great advice because they empathize with the person who you’ve come here to understand more. They may give you great insight into how that person is thinking. They can also encourage you to enable stuff that drives you crazy.
Keep that in mind and don’t be afraid to neglect advice that isn’t good for you, even if the top ten comments are all saying the same thing. Understand that those ten people may be the kind of people who jumped to answer the question before seeing what insight was already in the comments, and consider if you’d even take advice from the kind of person who’d make a whole new comment adding nothing to the convo instead of just upvoting the person who they agree with and commenting under their stuff.
Listen to your gut (not your genitals or your brain or your heart) when you read these comments. You know what’s right for you.
What do yall think about a partner saying that he would cancel on you the same day if they met up before with another partner/potential partner, and the date is still going?
Bg: My partner is currently on vacation with his other partner to celebrate their anniversary.
I am poly-outed to everyone except to my very conservative parents because I am 100% sure that nothing good could come from that.
My mum had her birthday today and when I called her she invited me and my family (that is me, my partner, and our 3 young adult kids) to celebrate her birthday on the weekend. I told her the kids (who were all standing next to me coincidentally) would love to come but that partner wasn’t around and couldn’t join. She asked where partner is and I (stupidly) said he’s on vacation instead of just saying he’s busy or something. My mum got very weird and silent and asked where he’s on vacation. I told her where he is and changed the topic. So she didn’t ask with whom he is, but I’m 100% sure that that question will come up when we’re there on the weekend.
The kids of course overheard the awkward conversation. They know where dad is and with whom. I told them that the grandparents don’t know that we’re poly and I intended to keep it that way because they are so conservative that they wouldn’t understand and would probably only get worried and start behaving weirdly towards my partner.
So now I’m really scared about the weekend. I don’t want to out myself to my parents but I don’t want to make the kids lie to their grandparents or watch me lie to them. They aren’t really kids anymore, but young adults, but I still don’t want to set a bad example.
My parents are getting really old really quickly in the last years. I feel like there is really no point in trying to explain such a foreign concept to them and make them worried in their old days. We don’t have a close relationship. I moved out when I was 15 and we had no contact for years and only reconnected again via the kids as they turned out to be really loving grandparents. We see each other 2 to 3 times a year, even though we live close and we never talk about personal things, let alone feelings or world views. All we talk about is the kids and my siblings’ kids. That has worked really well in the past and so I also never imagined that the poly topic would ever come up or be an issue, because we anyway don’t talk about relationships or stuff like that.
I don’t really care what they think about me, but I also don’t wanna destroy the friendly and stable albeit distant relationship we have. I feel like I maybe shouldn’t let the conversation happen on the weekend with the kids there, but I should maybe call and explain beforehand. But I really don’t want to.
On top of all that partner and I are getting married in a month. It’s gonna be a tiny thing with just us and the kids and my parents. So this is gonna be very awkward if they find out beforehand. Such a bad timing.
I guess I’d like some pats on the back and if someone has them, some genius solutions to how I can save this chaotic situation I caused with one stupid sentence. I’ve considered playing sick, but that feels a bit excessive as well.
Hello everyone, I’m still new to polyamory and follow this Reddit to try to gain insight in it. My husband and I date separately but recently found a “unicorn”. I’m seeing things that say dating a unicorn is unethical and not proper for polyamory. We both have feelings for her and both date her separately and together. Is there a way to make a unicorn work or should I stop dating her so he can? She does have her own primary relationship on top of us. So we don’t expect or want her to be exclusive to us. I would like thoughts and opinions please. Thank you!
Hello every body. I was the unicorn that my friend was talking about in this post. To be honest, I am terrified to post this. Please don't be mean to me 😞
I read all your comments left on the post and they encouraged me a lot. Thank you.
Today I have officially cut contact with the husband. I have not spoken to the wife in months, and yesterday the wife found out that me and the husband have kept contact (through text) and she got extremely mad. She hit him, spat on him, and left the house and booked a hotel room. I got a call from him this morning explaining the situation. In the call, he told me he has to "sort his life together again" that he does not want to divorce her, that he has been extremely distant from his wife from before he even met me, and that ultimately means we should "talk less frequently, and not the way we talk anymore". I took this as my cue to block him, as this was just another way of him prioritising his relationship and treating my feelings like they did not matter. I am shattered.
I think I am writing this, other than to get advice, to let my feelings out. This is my story, the shortened version:
The husband and wife were my professors at university. I struggle with many symptoms associated with BPD, and since I was young, I would attach to my teachers - making them my "favorite person". I have a bad relationship with both my parents too. I suffer from severe depression and I fell in love with both of their classes - they would be my only motivation to go to university, but initially the husband's (because the wife was hired after). I wanted to do so good in his class, and I worked so hard and studied so much. I was infatuated with how smart he was. I had absolutely NO intention of anything romantic at all. Sooner or later his wife was hired, and I attached to her instantly. I felt as though they were my parents. I would call them my parents to my friends as a joke. We slowly got close as I would go to their offices a lot. I even gave them handwritten letters explaining how much I looked up to them. Again, I really meant nothing romantic of anything at all.
Fast forward, we became so close and they gave me their numbers. At this point I was 20 years old. The husband spent a week texting me, and that is when he thought I was romantically interested in having a relationship with both of them (I would compliment him a lot, and he eventually confessed in his interest and asked me if I felt the same way). I don't know why, but I felt as though I had to just accept this. So I did. I started looking up polyamory, something I have nothing against but had no knowledge about because I had not even dated anyone before. Clearly though, he did not do any research. He just found me as something exciting, something he had been missing, something to probably fix the mundane relation he has with his wife. I continued texting him, now romantically. He told me he is going to bring it up to his wife. Eventually he did - and that is when the relationship with all three of us started. And you can see how it continued to where it is now through the other post.
After the wife eventually forced no contact, I continued talking to the husband. He was not only someone I was romantically involved with, but someone I would ask for help, tell him everything all the time. Not a day would go by where he did not know what was going on with my life. Now that I have blocked him, I am completely distraught. I do not know what to do. I know I might sound ridiculous - but I genuinely feel as though I would rather die than lose him. He was the worst and the best thing in my life. I do not know how this is possible. I wish I would have never involved myself in their stupid relationship but I do not know anything that has given me more happiness than him. He saved me and ruined me.
Part of me is so angry that they did this to me. The other part of me wants to go to her hotel room and beg her not to divorce him. I am so angry and completely shattered. I do not know what to do. I would never wish being a unicorn on anyone. Thank you for listening.
Edit: I am not a student anymore. I had already finished my courses with them when I got romantically involved. That was the one thing I was strict on... making sure I wasn't getting grades or anything that I did not deserve...
I don't know if ranking is the right term, but for now it's the only term I can think of. I've been in relationships with 2 different poly people, and in my first I was more or less an equal partner (My partner had another IRL partner and an online partner) with the other metamours- the partner we shared treated us as equal priority. In my second poly relationship, the person I was with more or less told me I was a lower priority partner. Is that normal, or in retrospect was that a red flag?
Anon account because my main is identifiable.
I'm in a bit of a pickle and trying to decide how I want to handle myself here.
The players: Apple (friend, he/him), Cherry (new friend, she/her), Lemon (mutual friend, he/him), me (he/him)
The situation:
I’m part of a pretty tight-knit non-monogamous social circle [Edit here - just to clarify, this is a rather big group (200+/-) and not a small friend group, we just all spend a lot of time together - so Cherry isn't dating 3/10 in a friend group or something like that]. My mate Apple recently got involved with Cherry, who’s fairly new to the group. They’ve been seeing each other casually for a couple of months now. I met Cherry around the same time and we really hit it off, so we’ve been spending a fair bit of time together as well.
Cherry is also seeing at least one other person in the group besides Apple (Lemon), and had actually been seeing him a little while before meeting either of us.
When I first met Cherry, she and Apple were having a bit of a wobble over her other relationship, and they both separately came to me for advice. To be fair to Apple, he actually seemed pretty self-aware about the fact that his feelings were his own responsibility and that he was mainly just struggling a bit with jealousy around seeing Cherry with Lemon. Cherry, meanwhile, was having a struggle figuring out how to tell Apple what she was and wasn’t available for without upsetting anyone. My advice was mostly centred around better communication and everyone being upfront about expectations. After they all sat down and talked it through properly, things seemed to settle and everyone appeared to be broadly on the same page. (I know this based on conversations with Apple and Cherry after the conflict).
The issue now is that Apple, despite telling Cherry he’s fine with things staying casual, has started acting a bit possessive/jealous about her other connections.
A bigger complication is those connections now potentially include me, as we really hit it off and have been spending a fair amount of time together.
From the conversations I’ve had with both of them, Cherry seems to have been pretty clear from the outset that she isn’t looking for anything especially serious and that there is a limit to what she is available for in her connection with Apple. Apple says he understands and accepts that, but in practice he seems quite uncomfortable with the reality of it.
Because I’m now somewhat involved myself, I’ve stopped acting as a sounding board for either of them. It doesn’t feel appropriate for me to be mediating or giving relationship advice anymore.
I genuinely really enjoy spending time with Cherry and would like to keep doing so.
The problem is that I know if we keep seeing each other or things progress at all, Apple is likely to be gutted and it will quite likely create tension in the friend group. On top of that, I do genuinely care about Apple as a mate and would like to carry on hanging out with him without everything turning awkward or dramatic.
Ordinarily my instinct in this sort of situation would be to take a massive step back and avoid the drama altogether, but I really like Cherry and the whole thing feels a bit unfair on the both of us. I’m also quite uncomfortable with the idea that someone newer to the community should effectively end up boxed out of dating opportunities because Apple isn’t doing a good job of managing their jealousy or expectations very well.
Clearly I'm not going to reach out to our mutuals for input and my vanilla mates are unlikely to get the nuance of the situation so I'm here asking for general advice.
I’ve deliberately kept a few details vague for privacy reasons but can clarify if any of this doesn't make sense.
My metamour (my long distance partner’s wife, coparent, and nesting partner) and I do not get along. She texted me saying that in my last visit I had hurt her feelings and she feels misunderstood by me. She also let me know that her boundary is that she wants physical space from me in her home (meaning I can no longer be there if she is there). She ended the text stating she is “okay” if my partner and I get an Airbnb
I’m sensing her trying to create hierarchy, but even if that is not the case I am feeling lost in how to navigate this
I am a 39 year old bi cis woman and I have around 17 years of experience with non-monogamy: 14 years in a polyamorous nesting partnership with my ex, during which time we both had several other relationships, and then since we split up 3 years ago, I have had some shorter term open/poly relationships.
For the past year I have been dating a poly married cis man who is a parent and it has been really pleasant. I don't feel super in love but I appreciate and enjoy the sex and companionship and the relationship has fit well into my life. I am committed to some demanding career stuff right now and prioritize time with friends, so I have enjoyed having a thing that is consistent and familiar and fun but not super time consuming. Early on we agreed that we could have unprotected sex because he has a vasectomy and his spouse (nb, they/them) has one other partner (trans man, they/them) who was not having sex with anyone else and I wasn't having sex with anyone else and we had all been tested so it was a closed loop with no real risk. We agreed that if any part of this dynamic changed we would disclose and potentially renegotiate safe sex practices.
It is a very sweet kitchen table situation and we all hang out in a group occasionally and do family stuff which has felt nice and fun! I genuinely really like his spouse and their other partner and the kiddo.
Recently he told me that his spouse's other partner had been sleeping with other people for awhile, like a month, and that his spouse was planning to get on Prep and DoxyPrep to minimize the risk of STI transmission. I was pretty upset that he knew that this had been happening for a month without telling me, while continuing to have unprotected sex with me. He said that his spouse's partner has been exchanging test results with people before sex as a safety measure and that he meant to tell me sooner but it slipped his mind and he didn't think it was a big deal at the time because he trusts his spouse to have safe sex. I feel like if the circumstances and plan had been discussed with me prior to exposing me to increased risk, I *might* have been ok with it, but since it wasn't, I feel a big loss of trust and like my agency to give informed consent was compromised.
He has apologized genuinely and promised to communicate better in the future. He and his spouse are new to polyamory, I am his first outside relationship. Part of me feels like this is a pretty huge thing to mess up and it makes him seem kind of clueless and careless which is unattractive. Yet, I understand that people make mistakes... My ex violated safe sex agreements several times over the years and I always forgave him and did so much emotional labor around it and often ended up feeling really disrespected and resentful and I pretty allergic to that dynamic as a result. I have had other partners in the past who were very diligent about communicating about their sexual activity with others and adjusting our safe sex practices in response and it was so hot and made our sex life even hotter! So I know it can be done well and I have that hope and expectation.
It would be sad to dump this person but I am considering it! Any suggestions for a plan to propose in order to rebuild trust? I feel torn between not wanting to be harsh and perfectionistic and give up a nice thing and also just feeling like ugh I do not have the energy to help this guy figure out how to do a very basic communication thing.
Would finding out your partner has been dishonest to their other partners be a deal breaker for you? I have recently discovered my partner lying by omission to both of their other connections, but they keep insisting that its excusable because *reasons*. I personally feel very strongly and have actually broken up with them over this point but they are really adamant that I am in the wrong here, especially since the lie of omission was done in my favor.
Jumped into swinging and poly with my partner for some months ago.
We had a lot of fun! Learned things about our relation and ourselves.
But then, my partner met someone and fell in love with that one (or at least, having NRE and feeling connected).
From that moment, I'm done. My partner is texting almost 24/7 with this new person. And also getting lots of presents and stuff from this person.
Right now that person is on the other side of the world for reasons, but their texting is even heavy'er...
My partner still shows love and affection (really long relation)... That's why I don't want to end my relation.
But it feels so... Bad?
Can't ask my partner to break contact with this person (I can ask, already did have that conversations but they don't want to break contact. I can understand that).
Feels like I need to just choose for myself. But leaving all future plans (baby, marriage etc.) because of this also does not feel right because my partner still shows that they love me. And I love my partner also even more then ever...
What to do?
Oof, I don’t know if this is just me being unlucky or what I am noticing a pattern that doesn’t sit well with me. Wondering if anyone else has encountered this?
I am all for a positive mention of another partner when it makes contextual sense. If you’re happy, I’m happy! But lately I swear that any time I am texting over a dating app with someone, or flirting on a date, or something along those lines, that person brings up a partner and how happy and perfect they are together. Not in a “making sure you are fully aware of the situation” way, but in kind of a “unconsciously monogamous, my twu wuv” kind of way. And this has been multiple different people!
I know the answer is to ask more questions, get more answers, communicate, but I’m just venting. Where’s the common sense?! Like, seriously, do you think it makes me feel like you’re interested in me at all when you say and do those things? I’m not saying I need to be treated like your soulmate, but acting like you already have one is…certainly a choice. That kind of…I don’t know, surprise hierarchy? Is so depressing. Let there be a little magic and spark, ya know?
For a more specific example-I was at someone’s house (a long term friend that we have transitioned into beginning to go on dates, so all still very casual) and their nesting partner was around. We are all very good friends and hang out together often. Somehow the conversation devolved into how perfect they are for each other and how if it didn’t work out between them that they can’t imagine dating anyone else and continuing on. They’ve been poly for a long time now. And I’m just sitting here like…uh, what? Not that we’re serious, but wow, somebody clearly has some priorities that I was unaware of.
Anyway. Just wanted to share and hear about others’ experiences and thoughts!
this is going to be long so i apologize in advance for anyone reading.
i am tired. there are so many thoughts swirling in my mind regarding my relationship. i'm just spit balling here. however, if anyone has advice or a pathway forward, please don't hesitate to comment.
i've been dating my partner, Noodle, for about a year and a half and these thoughts have either been in play but i haven't sat with them or they have come up from recent situations. i'll be sharing this post with Noodle later as well, but i guess i want to sort myself out first before bombarding him with nonsensical word vomit.
1. my partner wants all his partners (me and my metas) to be KTP when we're GPP, and i think i'm okay with how close i am to them currently.
Noodle has said he's communicated to me and my metas that he wants all of us to practice kitchen table poly. the issue with this is that we all have traumas and hangups that make it hard for us to be more than garden party. i don't have a problem with the group dynamic being garden table, but i've always wanted kitchen table. however, the lack of communication between me and my metas is the issue. Noodle says that everyone's styles of communication somewhat clash and he feels he needs to help facilitate the transition to KTP (which i feel like he shouldn't be obligated to since we're all adults), but i guess doing so makes the most sense to him.
outside of talking about Noodle, there is a significant lack of communication between me and my metas. i have reached out to my metas on multiple occasions to have conversation or plan hangouts that aren't centered around him to be met with silence or late responses. i already have a difficult time reaching out to people because i have RSD and their lack of response is discouraging. for the first meta, Lily, i have sent memes, messages, and have even gone as far as just saying that i hope they have a nice day. for the second meta, Zam, i have reached out multiple times as well to plan a hangout so we can get to know each other more or to even open up about why i struggle to interact with them at bigger events (overstimulation, which is why i want to plan one-on-one hangouts).
Noodle assures me that they don't hate me but they suck at texting back. Lily has even said as much, but it's incredibly discouraging. during the duration of my relationship with Noodle, i have ended two friendships over this same reason of a lack of response or the fact of me constantly reaching out to keep interaction going. Noodle knows about both of these circumstances, and yet he's still pushing for KTP at this point. it's really distressing, like if i don't fall in line i'll be abandoned.
2. i feel like i have to constantly judge myself and the progression of my relationship with partner based on my meta.
Zam and i have similar names, so much that i sometimes accidentally call her by my name. she and Noodle have been dating for a shorter amount of time than i've been dating Noodle, but i feel like i have to constantly compare my relationship progression to her relationship progression. Noodle met Zam's parents before he met my mother and it made him feel like our relationship wasn't that serious to me despite the fact that i don't hold the opinions of blood family that highly, especially when it comes to me being poly. i introduced him to my mother and i guess that was enough in the moment, but i keep thinking that i'm losing to them?
it also doesn't help that Zam is more extroverted than i am and connects with his friend group better than i do. i even feel like Zam and Lily connect better with each other than either of them do with me. Noodle says Zam just started getting used to interacting with Lily, but i don't have friendship with either of them.
3. i fear i'm going to lose my partner because i'm not healed enough.
i've dealt with childhood trauma, relationship trauma, and sexual trauma all while navigating ADHD. for over 20 years, i used to just let others decide what i wanted for me. i'm currently in recovering people pleaser mode. i sometimes go back into people pleaser mode, which sometimes looks like me observing social situations and interactions in spaces with over 15 people as a bystander while internally yelling at myself to interact with others. Noodle has relationship trauma from a 1.5 decade long relationship with Krazy he just recently left.
months before we started our relationship, i had just gotten out of a situationship that scarred me into taking birth control as a defense mechanism and a sense of bodily autonomy. we are both open enough to talk about the different things we've encountered in our past, but the issue within me usually arises when i say i'm trying to improve and he mentions Krazy and how he has seen similar signs either within me or similar to where it reminds him of Krazy.
when Noodle began pursuing me, i was hesitant to follow through because i could tell he had less trauma than i did. i was scared of traumatizing him as well and felt like he would one day realize that i didn't measure up to what he was expecting me to be. the situationship told me that he would prioritize others before me and the partner before him constantly prioritized his other partner over me, so getting into a relationship with Noodle who already had 3+ partners felt like a huge leap of faith when i already had trust issues. there have been many moments where our incompatibilities have been a sense of tension between us, usually being him trying to move faster than my comfort (an almost impromptu meeting of his mom) or me backpedaling after we came to an agreement (me returning his belongings after i said i was okay with him leaving them at my place).
he was and still is very reassuring that he will stick it out as long as i'm willing to try, but i'm afraid that the pace of healing that he expects is not something i can keep up with. it's even gotten to the point where i cried at my therapy session about it. there were many times where i felt like running away because of the incompatibilities being pointed out, but i'm also scared that i'll stay and he'll realize how much of a fuck-up i am and leave anyway.
the second half of the previous sentence still rings true, as i'm blubbering into pillows that he left in my bed as i type. i feel like with all of these things keep playing a role and i'm not sure how to proceed without burdening him.
I (F27) have been in a triad the last 3 months. I recently got into an argument with one of the members of the triad. For context, I am dating a couple. I first started talking to the other lets call her Flower(F27), a couple of months before I matched with the guy, Leaf(M28) half of the couple. I figured since I had started dating the two of them separately, I wasnt dating a couple. There was no "couple rules" that I typically see on this sub, which is why maybe I am more confused. This is my first Poly relationship and I am still learning.
I started getting closer and started sleeping with Leaf after I got tested. Safe sex for me looks like both partners getting tested and using protection. I get the full panel STI test and get on birth control and I trusted Leaf to get tested and I had the sinking feeling that he did not. Turns out yes, he did not. I trusted him to go of his own volition as I had. Well shortly after that, turns out his partner found out that she had high-risk HPV.
Since I was only having sex with Leaf, I did not discuss how I practice safe sex other than telling Flower I had gotten tested and a pap in the clear. Well Flower started calling me a liar and saying that I should have told her that I wasnt using dental dams with Leaf. I was really confused since both Leaf and Flower never told me how they were practicing safe sex on their end, and I never asked (my mistake?) out of respect for their relationship. I also did not know it was high-risk until after Leaf and I were having sex, and Leaf never objected or stated we should use dental dams, so we had unprotected oral but not unprotected PIV. I am just really confused by the reaction of Flower. I understand why the upset is there but I feel like I did everything I was supposed to on my end?
Flower was also upset at me because I forgot that Leaf had casually mentioned HPV to me before and since I had the all-clear, and thought that Leaf had gotten tested, I know the risk factor is lower with oral and HPV but not impossible. I know that Leaf mentioned that Flower had HPV in the past, so is this my mistake? Is it bigger than a mistake? Currently Flower is extremely upset at me and calling me a liar since I forgot Leaf mentioned it to me.
Hi everyone in what is without a doubt the loveliest, most supportive sub on Reddit! I am a better person, lover, and partner because of this sub. I’m male, age 55.
I’ve been poly for nine years, have several wonderful relationships, from a long-distance anchor partner, to a couple of comets, to a casual FWB, and a bunch of cuddle buddies. I have an abundance of love and couldn’t be happier.
I am a new empty nester and I’m downsizing my living arrangements, moving to a doorman building in a major American city.
Does anyone have experience with what I imagine will be a great deal of confusion, judgement, and gossip as the doormen and neighbors see a string of different women coming in and out of my place, many arm in arm with me? (I am very much PDA.)
I’m not someone who cares what people think about me. If I did, I wouldn’t have considered this living arrangement in the first place. I’m just curious what actual experiences are, instead of relying on stories I invent in my head.
And if there are tactics to mitigate the challenges, I’d love to hear those too. Just because I don’t care what people think about me, doesn’t mean I want people making it uncomfortable for my partners and friends visiting me.
Thank you!
Hey! New account for anonymity because people i know know my usual username and lurk in here.
I'd like to know your thoughts on never feeling like you're enough or loved. I'm currently solo poly, but I've been looking for a primary and/or np for years now but I've never been able to find one.
I've been in so many abusive and toxic relationships that left me feeling like I'm doing something wrong and I'm only a convenience to people. I've finally found a partner that I feel respects me and that takes time and energy to listen and understand, which is so precious to me because I never had that, but they also don't have the capacity for something more than casual with no love developing, so I feel at a lost.
I seem to never find someone that loves me enough to either treat me right or want to develop deeper feelings.
For context, they are my only partner at the moment as finding more hasn't been working out.
Recently Poly and my partner has a newer long distance girlfriend while it is just her and me domestically for like 5-6 years (I am not closed to adding but just not looking rn)
I don't regret it, things were a little rough at first because I think the NRE of the new relationship kind of took over my partners focus for awhile and it was making our relationship hurt because she was much more focused on this new person than me and because there was distance she pretty much spent all the time we could have together on her phone talking to them or in calls online.
Things have been better though, my partner visited them a month-ish into their relationship and while the distance from her was a little rough for me when she came back it gave us a lot of perspective. We both missed eachother a lot and she realized that she wasn't equally prioritizing our romantic connection or my feelings and since then we have committed to eachother even more and it has been healthier and more fulfilling I am content with our relationship as we are.
I kind of new the meta a little before they started dating because she had been around more with our friend group playing games and stuff in discord. I was interested in developing a friendship with her even before they started dating because my partner and mutual friends had known the meta for a couple years due to them being part of their raid group for a MMO where I had only known them for a couple weeks. I had a hard time trusting and connecting with them at first both because in general I am kind of slow to trust and also their relationship happened so fast and of nowhere that it really caught me off guard, but I have come around to them more and I think our friendship is improving and I want to continue developing thay friendship too.
Here is the issue, I don't think I am quite comfortable hanging out with the meta irl yet. I need more time to get to know them because they are largely still a stranger to me. However, two weeks after my partner got back from visiting she is asking if I would be okay if the meta came to our place to visit in June and we all did stuff together. I had to talk to her about how I am just not comfortable hosting someone I don't really know in our house and that I am still very new to all this and I could see having to be around her and see her relationship and NRE right in front of me physically could be hard for me right now not to mention have to be okay with them going off to do stuff without me irl too, it is just stuff to adjust to that I hadn't before. I said this isn't an indefinite no I just asked her for more time instead of rushing another visit, like maybe hold off until August, I think hosting the meta would be a more fun and comfortable experience for everyone if we gave it time for us to become better friends and allow me time to get comfortable with it because everything up to this point had been extremely fast and rushed, I just wanted a breather and that rushing has made it harder for me and the meta to be friends too because we wanna develop a friendship organically, not by being forced together.
My partner said she wants to respect my feelings and will hold off. A couple days later though she asks me to reconsider because she thinks it would be fun for us all to be able to go to pride together. I basically had to say my feelings haven't really changed on this I want some time. She said she understands again and won't do a visit. However, I can't help but feel like a burden and guilty for asking for this. I don't want to be an obstacle in their relationship but at the same time I feel my feelings had been neglected up until recently while everything progressed super fast and right now irl stuff feels like my only safe space to adjust to all the changes and it just isn't easy for me to have that space invaded yet, in the future yes I need to be open to it and I will be, but it loterally has only been like 2 months. Not to mention Pride is something we have done every year so like it is a little hard for me to share it at this very moment.
TLDR: Poly relationship is going better than when it started and I am even becoming friends with the meta which I like, but I am not quite comfortable hosting them at my place yet or hanging out with them irl and I feel like a burden for it