Overcoming the "New to the Dynamic" Intimidation Factor
Hi everybody! Pretty new to poly, but really want to understand its dynamics because I know I have non-monogamy in my bones. I'm dating a woman in a triad. She lives with them (but will be moving in with me soon), and they have all been together about 5 years.
My girlfriend has said she wants me to be her primary partner. Everything to date has reflected that statement (desire to move in together, build a future together, etc), apart from what I suppose would be a relationship hierarchy. The triad throws the word primary around a lot, but I don't think they're using it correctly, and I'm more inclined to call the husband and wife anchor partners.
I'm looking for true primacy. I would like to remarry at some point. I retired in my 30s and am fully self-sustaining due to some very lucky investments and vested options, and would like to encourage my girlfriend to join me in my slower-paced life (she is a freelancer). I want to set her up for life in the event of my death. I want to share my whole life with her, and am currently unsure if I'd ever date outside of our relationship because she feels very fulfilling to me. I suspect when the NRE wears off, that opinion will adjust.
But that primacy also feels really, really, hard to achieve in the face of 5 years of existing dynamic. They just have a very natural way of things together, which as a new player I feel like I have a ton to learn. My girlfriend is transparent with me about what she wants (no mind reading, thank God). But all the same it's hard to be on vacation with them, see her in distress, and have her other boyfriend leap into action to care for her while I stand there, thumb up my ass, whistling Dixie because I don't know how to make that connection of "Issue X requires Solution Y."
I'm a very insecure person, and am in therapy for that now (and making huge headway!). This relationship has exposed a lot of that insecurity to me, such that it can be really hard to parse what's just the insecurity talking and what's a genuine worry. Has anybody else walked this road? Is there a path to surmounting the wall, or is it just a question of "be patient, attentive, and run your own race?"