u/Critical_Banana6916

Advice? I met my partner a year ago at a time where I wasn’t looking for anything exclusive. Id never really thought of poly for myself, but was open to it - I’m at least pretty understanding of liking multiple people (as I’ve always had crushes in relationships) and the values (autonomy, etc) make sense to me.

Anyway, my partner had another partner at the time who I met pretty early on while visiting. We were long distance for the first 9 ish months of dating. I never minded poly, I maybe had some jealousy around the occasional date. We recently ended the distance and at first it involved lots of group hangs - maybe one or two a week which I told my partner was too much for me - because I tend to get into a comparison spiral and feel really tender/ emotionally tired by the end. I did end up hanging with my meta alone many times though and became friends.

Just recently I went camping for 3 days with my meta and my partners family for a work project and it kind of left me a mess. It probably doesn’t help that we all got high and it hit me a bit weird over the weekend. We all slept with our sleeping mats together and while going to bed I kept thinking “wow, this person really lays next to my girlfriend, they’re actually intimate together” and feeling pretty upset. I also kept getting in my head about their conversations or whatever romantic chemistry I noticed. The part that felt hard was noticing that the person with whom I have this special, intimate relationship with also has that with someone else. I felt really overwhelmed by the end of the weekend and needed alone time to go cry a lot, which my girlfriend saw.

I never felt that strongly about any of poly, or even had these types of thoughts at all. I’ve generally been pretty open. I’m not 100% sure how to approach the conversation with my gf because even I am confused. I know for sure that I definitely can’t handle sleeping next to my partner and meta, or multiple days in a row together. The experience has at least made it so that I don’t wanna have any hangouts with my meta and partner at all for a while. But unsure how to untangle the new monogamous leaning thoughts.

My partner and I were long distance for a year before I moved to her city where she has a partner.

I actually have a lot of fun hanging out with my meta and we’ve even become friends outside of our partner. But my partner seems to want weekly or twice weekly group hangs (she never stated this, that’s just how often we’ve done it).

To me they’re really fun but they honestly take a lot of energy because I get in my head about who she’s paying attention to and most of the time would rather either be with just her, just my meta, or doing something on my own. I just feel a little bit tender after them. I’ve told her I would like some one on one time after group hangs and she seemed receptive but said it can’t always happen. For me, intentional one on one time with her is what feels most satisfying in the relationship. We still get that of course, but in my free time I like to be a little bit less involved in a polycule.

I’ve expressed these feelings to her. She still invites me to group hangs, and it’s not like I always wanna say no because again they’re fun. I like them too. I just feel like I need to take care of myself and don’t always have the emotional energy that they take up. In addition to that most of our group hangs were happening at a time where we saw each other often but didn’t have a set schedule at all which made me feel a little dysregulated.

Can someone help me understand why they’re important to her? She seems to prioritize them. So far she has told me that she likes the community feel and two people she loves being together. I get it, though I think that can also be achieved through friend groups.

I’ve been long distance with my partner for about a year. She has another partner (2yr) and they live in the same city but she also spent time abroad for a few months this past year and didn’t see him as much.

I recently got a job that allowed us to close the distance. Before I got to her city, she was living with her other partner for a month in an apartment that used to be hers. They didn’t really claim to live together since it was meant to be temporary especially since my partner had been abroad for much of the year.

We didn’t really talk about it so when I got here it was a little stressful - some conversations made it seem as though we’d be living together most of the time and I struggled with my idea of being excited to close long distance contrasted with experiencing poly locally for the first time and feeling sad when my partner was at her home with my meta. We also did group hangouts really fast (3 just the first week I moved here) and I felt so in my head and asked my partner to cut back.

Anyway at this point my partner is away for a job for 1 month and when she returns in August, she and I will spend the month of August in a different town together (though she will be gone for a week and a half, and meta might visit for 1 weekend). While she’s been away I’ve actually been becoming friends with my meta and we even went camping together with his friends.

When my partner returns from her job, she will have already had a 4 day out of state vacation with meta at the end of the month.

Before we leave for out of town (a monday), we’ll be in same city as meta on Saturday and Sunday. She offered to pick me up on Saturday when my flight gets back super late. In my ideal world, I’d love it if I can sleep with my partner on Sunday and then wake up together and go on our journey on Monday morning. I’m not sure if this is selfish since she won’t see meta for a month (whereas I will see her) so maybe he will want extra time. At the same time it will be our reunion whereas they will have seen each other.

I know my partners wish is probably group hanging at least for some of that weekend but I think id rather all or most of the time I spend with her especially while reuniting to be just us. Again idk if selfish because I’m gonna be with her most of August and meta isn’t. Is asking for Sunday night with just her reasonable even though meta might be sad as it’d be their last night before she leaves? Idk why Saturday vs Sunday makes a difference to me. Mainly because I want to have a solid calm reunion - Saturday I’ll get there super late, so my brain almost feels like “it doesn’t count” then Sunday night I would really love to feel like “we’re in this together” before we go away.

I’ve been thinking of what boundaries would make poly work better for me. Some of these things are just my thoughts around how I want things to “feel” but I’m not sure how to express it.

- Group hangs with meta are fun, but they take mental energy for me. I want to feel secure with my schedule with my partner before we slowly phase in group hangs (which my partner likes) and I really prefer if after the group hangs I have one on one time with my partner.

- I don’t want to feel like I’m “negotiating time” with my partner and meta. Sometimes my partner and meta have framed it as “figuring out what works best between us 3”. And I haven’t really found a good way to express it, but that’s not really my jam. My relationship with my partner (to me) feels separate.

- Similarly, I don’t want to feel like I’m just spending the week trading my partner between meta and me. Not sure how to achieve this but before, it was a lot of unestablished alternating times. My meta picking up my partner from hanging with me once, or just hearing a lot about my partner’s negotiation with meta, rationalization around not being able to hang with me for x days because meta wants time, etc. Individually those things are all OK but if all of them compile it creates a dynamic that feels weird to me.

Am I being weird? Can anyone relate?

My partner really likes group hangs because it gives her a community type of feeling, and I can definitely appreciate that. We’ve had group hangs maybe 6 or 7 times now and i definitely enjoy them and find them fun but I notice that I spend some of the time in my head like - is my partner more focused on my meta or me, is she gravitating to my meta more, are they being more touchy than we are etc. and generally just with the way my brain works I really like either “together time” or not together and group hangs feel like an between where I’m still wanting more time with just my partner after that. I’ve told my partner that and she says she can accommodate it sometimes but not all the time.

I’ve also hung out a couple times with my meta one on one and feel like we’re starting to become friends so maybe that will help. And not gonna lie it feels better sometimes than hanging all 3.

Anyway.. does anybody relate to this experience? And how do you strike a balance between wanting to enjoy the group hangs but also wanting to protect your mental space a bit because group hangs feel more complex?

Ofc this is something only I can answer but to share some context, I started dating someone almost a year ago and we ended up in a long distance relationship. I had only ever been in monogamous relationships but was curious and open about poly. I met her other partner actually in the beginning of the relationship - just one evening we all went out together. I actually felt a lot of compersion throughout the LDR and happy that my partner’s very loved.

Recently we’ve sorta ended the distance and I’ve been transitioning into local poly dynamics with them. The first few weeks were really hard it felt like, it feels kind of hard sometimes to be scheduled instead of going with the flow and hanging out as much as you want. I really struggled with comparing our relationship too because they also live together (sort of temporarily) and I wasn’t expecting that. I kind of wondered a lot if my meta was preferred/more primary/more of the safe space even though my partner does do a lot to emphasize that she doesn’t want a hierarchy. We’ve hung out as a group maybe once or twice a week since I got here and while I have fun, those thoughts run through my head a lot and I find myself always wanting group hang time to end with us being alone together.

A good example is even recently my partner was leaving for a trip and we said bye the night before then she stayed with my meta overnight and was flown to the airport and that kind of hurt - I would have liked to have solo time together up until then. Overall there’s just this big feeling of shared time and attention — I know that’s true of all relationships because there are friends and family, but in monogamous relationships you always kinda return to your person.