Should you have a primary/anchor in coparenting, polyamorous relationships?
I’ve been pondering lately on what our responsibilities are to children and coparents, when we are in polyamorous relationships, particularly in RA/solo poly/lack-of-prescriptive-hierarchy set ups.
Like, do “primary” or “anchor” partnerships offer the greatest level of security and consistency for kids? If we want children to have a stable upbringing, should we be prescriptively prioritising their other parent/s, over other relationships we might form? Are we introducing too much risk and uncertainty when we aim for relationship anarchy and only embrace the descriptive type of hierarchies that are unavoidable when you coparent with someone.
And, is it asking too much of a coparent, to ask them to accept a relationship set up where they are not a defacto primary/anchor, and where any change in priorities could leave their coparenting (and parenting!) relationship in a very different shape? Does a primary/anchor arrangement even mitigate for that?
Or, on the flipside, is the idea that primary/anchor partnerships offer stability actually a myth, and is relying on the structure of a relationship to give you more security a pitfall? Does it actually give children more stability to have flexible arrangements that allow agreements to be renegotiated as new partners arrive in our lives and our priorities change? Does a long term hierarchy agreement just amount to “staying together for the kids no matter what”, which a lot of people agree (especially those who grew up around conflict) is no bueno.
What other solutions besides an explicit primary/anchor agreement provide stability for kids, and also security for coparents? Is there an inherently higher risk, or potential for conflict, in one relationship style or another?
As someone who has experienced the breakup of a coparenting relationship previously, I do think a lot about how the choices we make affect our kids, and how best to handle the intersection of parenting and polyamory. It’s also really common for someone who has just become a parent with a partner, having been previously fine with polyamory, to have a second thoughts once children arrive in the picture.
Anyway, interested to hear your opinions, regardless of whether you have kids yourself or not.
ETA: Just to clarify, my own situation is very non-traditional, RA coparenting. The musing on this was sparked by lively dinner table conversation, and I’m just interested in theoretical viewpoints, not looking for advice on my own situation. ☺️