u/CaiusPupuce

My boyfriend and his girlfriend are on their second child-free week of holliday this summer.

For many reasons, we didn't get as much time together. We only got 3 childfree days, and 1 week with the kids, where my boyfriend was nervously exhausted all week long. I felt anxious and disconnected from him most of the week, and left extremely distressed.

Now he is in vacation with my meta, he needs space, he needs to relax, he needs to communicate less... and I'm just feeling jalous, abandonned, angry, emotionnaly exhausted.

I'm starting to feel like the poly + long distance + 2 primaries is an impossible situation, and that this is not worth the emotionnal storms I'm dealing with. Most of the time, we are struggling to find time together. So everytime we haven't seen each-other much, the jalousy when he spends time with his girlfriend becomes a lot. The problem is not that he has another partner, the problem is that we live 2h appart, he has 2 kids, and there is no way around that unless one of us change town, wich is not going to happen anytime soon.

I am being anxious, but I think I'm also being realistic here.

I am super sad, incredibly distressed, I've asked for reassurance, I talked to many friends, I came back to poly vidéos on jalousy, I don't know what to do to stop feeling like shit. I hate everything about the way I feel right now. This absolutely sucks.

I had a pretty good childhood, and I grew up with an anxious attachment. I've been working in therapy since I was 17. I am now nearly 33, and I am exhausted to work on my inner security and my self-esteem. Like, when do I graduate ?...

Don't get me wrong, I had a very good life. I was not neglected, was never beaten, not raped, and most of my relationships were pretty healthy (I only dated one actually piece of crap, not even a nasty one). So like. I'm OK, and I'll be fine.

But like. Fuck. If I got back all the money I spent in therapy, I would qualify for a loan.

I am still fucking insecure, my self-esteem varies with the phases of the moon, and I still need to have someone in my life who gives me regular attention, to feel ok.

I've been in a relationship for the past few months. It's not the easiest settings (polyamourous, long-distance, you name it), but honestly, it's going pretty smoothly.

Only problem is : my mood is still very dependent on weither or not my boyfriend has/take the time to text me. I hate it, but I've been observing it : on the rare fews days he doesn't write, or not as much as usual, I am tense, and moody, and sometimes feeling sad or angry.

It really pisses me off, because it's killing my alone time, sometimes the time I spend with friends. I have this constant tension in my mind, from missing his attention. And there is nothing I can even ask from him : he is being very consitsant, he tells me everytime he is going to be less available, he knows I am anxious and gives me a lot of reassurance... the is NOTHING ELSE he could do, and there is nothing else I want him to do.

The truth is, I don't really need to exchange messages with him every hour of every day. I like it, but it's not so much that I love him, that I don't know how to be alone in my head. Funny stuff is : I am an introvert, I crave alone time ! I like to read, take long walks by myself, draw... But anytime I am by myself, sometimes even with friends, sometimes even while doing my favorite activities, I am having a conversation with him in my head. My mind always talks to him, or think about the things I'd like to tell him and show him. Does anyone else does that ?

Before you ask : I don't have a psychiatric condition, nor am I neurodivergent (I got tested...). It's a maladaptative emotional coping mechanism, where my mind looks for a sense of security in the wrong place, by imagining that I have his attention on me ... it's a habit, I've been doing it since I was a kid, it's automatic, fighting it is EXHAUSTING, and so far, it's not going great, because DON'T THINK ABOUT A PINK ELEPHANT never worked for anyone.

Only on a few occasions have I been centered, with my thoughs clear, nothing in my head than my own voice directed to me, and LORD WAS THAT RELAXING ! I don't know how to stay in this state of mind for more than a few minutes...

Does anyone experience this type of mental fog ? Did you find things or activities that help you being more centered ? I've notices that physical activity sometimes help (like stretching, walking...), but not always. Some days, if I don't have obligations, this tensions almost keeps me from doing anything but wait for a text... it makes me either desperate, or angry at myself, wich isn't great either...

My former partner and I broke up a year ago, a few days after our 6 years anniversary, about 1 year 1/2 into her transition. Up until then, this sub had been a lifebuoy. Being the partner of someone transitionning is a unique experience, and it is so lonesome when you don't have a community around you.

When I was on this sub, I frequently read messages asking "what happened next ?". People tend to discover this sub when their partner comes out, or while they are in hight distress. Some couples who made it through the transition keep a connection here, sending messages of hope. But most times, people come, and disappear, and we don't know what happened next.

So, here is what happened with us. This is probably not the story you want to hear. But it is what happened, and how we made it through.

We seperated. I broke up with her. I tried so hard not to, I gave it all that I could, my mental health included. But I couldn't make it work. It wasn't a choice, it came out of me. I tried to take it back, I tried to make things different, I tried to make myself different, to save the relationship. But I couldn't be different. I could just be me.

It took me 6 days, one day for each of the wonderfull years we spent together, to face the inevitable.

It was the most horrible, heartbreaking thing I have ever done. Breaking her heart. Depriving myself from her love. I didn't think I would ever recover from loosing this relationship.

The funny thing is, I didn't lose this relationship. The day after we broke up, we met for coffee in town.

"How are you feeling ?

- Miserable. I just got out of a long relationship.

- Me too".

Sounds like a movie dialogue, right ? Those were not our exact words, but honestly, that was pretty much it. We never resented each-other, because we never stopped loving each-other. I never resented her for transitioning. She never resented me for failing to adjust to this big change. It sucked, but no one was to blame. We supported each-other through our break-up.

It was so hard. Being together without kissing was torture. Our bodies where so accustomed to one another, being side by side without holding hands was physically painfull. We never kissed again, nor had sex, but we continued to hug, and cuddle, and kiss each-other on the cheek (we are french, that was a great cultural cheat-code). Even if we were broken up, physical touch between us was still the most soothing thing. Up to this day, she is one of the rare person in my life to whom I give full body hugs.

Spending time together was also hard. We basically cried everytime we would meet, or right after leaving. We kept meeting regulary, every 2/3 weeks. I needed more distance to process and hurt on my own. At some point, we didn't meet for about a month 1/2. But we would keep each-other posted. About life, work, art projects. About dates too.

Lucky for us, we had been in an open relationship. When we separated, she already had a regular lover, that I knew. So we were both as confortable as can be with the idea that we would both rock the Hoe Phrase. She got into the queer community of the town, and got regular partners much before I considered hooking up with anybody. It took me a while. At that point, my libido had been almost completely gone. I had tried so hard to turn my desires, even my fantasies, towards female presenting people, that I had killed my own sexuality. I didn’t know if it would come back. I was seriously contemplating the possibility that I was just done... Desire just naturally came back when I allowed myself to be spontaneously attracted to a male presenting person… I generally got better when I allowed myself to take care of myself first, instead of protecting the relationship, or protecting her, at all costs.

But as then say in Frozen 2 : some things never change. She called me in tears when she lost her cat, and I rushed to her house. I called her in tears when I was panicking over health issues. She was there within the hour, with chocolate cake. We never stopped being supportive to each-other, even when it hurt.

I remember the first time we noticed we had spent an entire moment together without crying. I remember when we cried, yet again, for an entire date, while thanking each-other for the incredible years we spent together, the quality of love we had given to one another. Then time, and patience, and long conversations, and sadness, and efforts, did their work.

In 3 days, we could have been celebrating our 7th anniversary. Instead, we will be aknowledging our 1 first year of separation in a couple weeks. Were are we now ?

I’ve been in a polyamourous relationship for a few months now, with a cis man. He knows she was the love of my life, and that I am not done grieving this relationship. I don’t know if I ever will. She recently started 2 relationships with 2 gender non-conforming persons. I think she is also still grieving what we were. We’ve met each-other’s partners.

Breaking-up was the most horrible thing.

We still love each-other.

We are still part of each-other's lifes.

We are still grieving.

We are moving forward, together.

Bottom line, love is about wanting the best for one other. If you love each-other no matter what, you fucking do, even if you can't keep the relationship as it was.