Suppress sexuality
Can a couple with very different sexual needs actually fix this?
I’m 28F and I’ve been with my boyfriend (31M) for 6 years. We love each other deeply and our relationship outside of sex is genuinely very good. He’s my best friend and I can’t imagine simply throwing away six years together.
But our sex life has been a problem basically from the beginning, and I’m starting to feel like I can’t keep ignoring it.
I have a very high sex drive. I’ve always been extremely sexual and I crave intimacy, passion, experimentation and feeling genuinely desired by my partner.
He is basically the opposite. Sex has always been complicated for him. He has a physical issue with his foreskin which makes sex painful and limits what he can comfortably do. He also experienced sexual abuse from his aunt when he was young, and I think that has affected his relationship with sex and intimacy quite deeply.
He doesn’t really show much curiosity about my fantasies or what turns me on. We rarely experiment, sex is very predictable, and we currently have sex maybe once a month or less. There are also things that make him uncomfortable that I would consider fairly normal parts of an intimate relationship, like oral sex or changing positions, basically if you imagine the non passionate forced sex that what that is since day one.
I’ve tried to understand him and I genuinely do. Knowing about his trauma has actually made me much more compassionate toward him, because I understand that some of this probably isn’t simply a matter of him “not wanting me.”
But at the same time, my needs haven’t disappeared.
Recently I’ve started allowing myself to think about my own fantasies again, and it has made me realize just how much of my sexuality I’ve suppressed during this relationship.
And now I’m scared because I’m starting to want a completely different sexual life. I want passion, spontaneity, experimentation, flirting, feeling desired and being able to openly talk about fantasies. I sometimes fantasize about having experiences with other people or even having more than one partner.
I don’t want to cheat on him. I don’t want to hurt him. And I don’t want to leave him just because sex is difficult.
So my actual question is: can this realistically be worked on?
Have any couples here dealt with a situation where one partner had sexual trauma, physical problems or significant sexual anxiety, while the other partner had a very high sex drive?
Did therapy, trauma work, medical treatment, sex therapy, couples therapy etc. actually make a meaningful difference?
Can someone with sexual trauma eventually develop a much more comfortable, curious and fulfilling sex life with their partner?
And how do you handle the situation when one person’s sexual needs are very high and the other’s are naturally much lower?
I’m not expecting him to suddenly become a completely different person. I’m trying to figure out whether there is a realistic middle ground where he can feel safe and comfortable and I can still feel sexually alive and fulfilled.
If you’ve been in a similar situation, I’d really like to hear what actually helped — and whether you think this kind of gap can genuinely be bridged.