Is my marriage over? Im (35F) & husband (35M) onows im bisexual. Been together for 17 years
I attend a lot of queer events in London (i have family there so spend the night at theirs too) with my small business for the last 3 years. Husband found a note on my phone applying for a job with a queer business (i previously told him about the queer business and that i had applied). My note stated im a queer POC. (FYI a lot of queer events ask participants if they identify within the community)
I was away for the weekend & he has had the weekend full of anxiety and dread (understandably) as i have never actually said to him im queer (or bisexual for that matter).
I had told him in the past about my attraction to women and my first female kiss & how i came out to my parents thinking i was a lesbian as a teenager (coming out to parents didnt go well so far as they would openly mock and bully me for being a lesbian so i shut down and never mentioned it again to family).
I never fully said im queer or bisexual as im pretty sure hes homophobic (he thinks people can be straight or gay but to quote “anything in between sexually or in terms of gender means you’ve got a mental illness”)
Had a discussion/row yesterday where he said he doesnt know me anymore and im a liar. Says i need to decide what i want. I CANNOT REITERATE ENOUGH TO HIM THAT I ONLY HAVE EYES AND DEVOTION FOR HIM, NOBODY ELSE REGARDLESS OF THEIR GENDER. Gave him space and he seemed more settled and calm today, was affectionate and said were good. Cue 1 bottle of wine and 5 beers later, having a chat and he starts saying how if i feel the need to go the other way please let him know, again reiterated i have zero interest in anybody apart from him. Cue him joking saying if i bring a woman home we can do OF & get rich (he said this a few times), again reiterated i have and always will be devoted to him alone and strictly monogamous, he agreed he feels the same. Then starts asking how i know im queer if ive not actually had relations with a woman, told him the same way he knows he is straight. Mood has shifted, he starts going on how im either gay or straight i cant be bisexual.
I stayed calm when he was ranting but i laughed when he suggested i gave birth via c section “so you could keep your parts intact for some slag to eat you out”.
I know it was wrong of me to laugh but i could see how he has got all sorts of stuff made up to suit his narrative and he wont listen to my reasoning.
Naturally he went apeshit telling me to leave the house, i can see the disgust and hate in his eyes (not the first time tbh) and telling me im not welcome here.
Ive told him i wont leave this house we both paid for & our child with him when hes under the influence of alcohol which he agrees with to the point where i am now sleeping in the spare room. Hes told me he will apply for a divorce and take my name of the deeds and kick me out.
Hes said ive lied for over 17 years to him, again when i told him ive told him everything but never explicitly said im bisexual or queer as i know he hates that stuff he then asked if the reason i was promiscuous as a teen before we got together was to hide the fact im gay. Again ive told him thats not the cae. He then proceeds to tell me how ive fucked half the people we knew when i was younger & say other hurtful things.
How the heck do i save this marriage?
Any advice please. I dont want our marriage to end but im terrified hes done.
(Also there have been other rows in the oast about me getting tattoos that were bigger than i said to him they would be or id tell him im not getting anymore then if get one a year or so later. He hates that im not the same person i was 17 years ago in terms of looks and he cannot fathom why i would change - his words. We have also had tows i. The last 3 years where he had been physically i timidating me and stopping me leaving the room/environment to the point where he did chade me outside once. H elnows his size is intimidating and i told him if he does it again there would be consequences. Anywa, a month or so later we have a heated exchange outside and he still comes up in my face with the crazy eyes intimidating me. I dont know what happened to him but hes changed so much.