u/backtomyselfsomehow

I’m nearly a year out of leaving my ex of three years. He was emotionally and financially abusive. Today I was listening to a friend who was asking advice on a scenario in her own relationship. in that relationship her own partner has been all over the place and has suddenly accused her of being “disingenuous” and at one point “performative” in her love. this triggered me a lot, I got so upset for her, so upset for her I started sobbing and even more so I realized I was sobbing for myself. My ex, who was twelve years older than me, at one point told me I was performative every time I cried so I cried in the bathroom for a year and a half, even then if he heard it he would bring it up. He also accused me of not having genuine emotions which I now know were a projection of his own lack but wow today I sobbed so hard and I admitted to my friend my reaction was biased but I was also real about how I didn’t like that shit, how she doesn’t deserve it, and like she had been saying she had felt unlovable..which like duh when someone is constantly rejecting your love! Which is another thing he had been doing bc her emotions were constantly questioned, which my ex did actively. He actively rejected my love and care and support all while needing me to be his punching bag and emotional wet nurse. I’ll never forgive him. It’s so painful to have remembered today how much I felt unloved, how much he made me feel unworthy of love, how much I truly did deserve love in the same way my friend does.

hi everyone, I hope it’s okay to post here. tbh I am sick for the first time since leaving him and it is making me think about so much. I was 26 when I met him, had a full time job in media, had come from nothing and had found levels of financial success (enough I could help pay for my baby sister’s college, which comes into play later). by the time I met my ex, I had no savings from the job due to the fact I had paid for her college. he was 38, lived on the other side of the country, was divorced and going thru an active divorce (I know…. Pls understand I was manipulated heavily into not grasping the truth of their relationship & she and I have talked since I left him, she has no ill will and only care for me and I for her), and had at that time a successful career in a field I wanted to enter. we fell in love writing together at a complete distance, so when we met irl we were fully already in love. I can now see what I went through as love bombing, it’s super easy to show up perfectly over the phone. the moment we met we basically were together physically for three years straight. I moved across the country, quit my job due to burnout and he was like oh I can support you. At the time, bc I had been working since I was 15, this sounded nice. it should have been a red flag that six months into him “supporting” me, when I brought up being uncomfortable with this part of the dynamic and that I was going to apply for jobs, he would basically convince me not to and focus on my art. this happened twice. this led to me not making any of my own money for basically three years, outside of one gig that hired me near the end (thank god). I really did love my ex. I thought he was a genius creatively and in some ways he is but nothing justifies what occurred in our relationship. I can now accept my ex emotionally and financially abused me. I did not have access to the financial accounts that supported our life, and when an industry went on strike suddenly we were living on savings. By the time this happened, I had already had two abortions and was in extreme postpartum. We both started drinking together everyday (I am now over a year sober). I was in a lot of pain, on top of the fact I was grieving my city I had lived in, friends who had died, and was dealing with career frustrations re book residuals. I kept waiting to be paid for my book…and I wish I had because if I had I would not have been as financially vulnerable. My publisher can make peace w God someday. My ex’s financial struggles did not lead to him wanting me to get work, nor did it lead to accepting suggestions re moving out of the very expensive apartment he insisted we rent (he pushed me into doing it and put me on a lease despite the fact I made no money for an apartment I could not afford on my own). When I would bring up downsizing, he would yell at me about not trusting him, about his abandonment issues.. when I started taking gigs for extra cash because he was so stressed w money, he told me no money I ever made would matter compared to what he does because it supports our life. I will never financially depend on a partner ever again. He told me I didn’t need my own reps for filmmaking, all I needed were producers and would yell at me if I brought up my own career goals. When I started having short stories published and a director he knew chose to work with me on a script, that’s when the abuse escalated. He started throwing fits, yelling, every day about random miseries in life or at me if I tried to comfort him. He threw a phone backwards and was like “well it wasn’t at you”. I felt so depressed and alone. he tried to write a script to give to the director, he told me directly he would choose his over mine and when he didn’t the abuse got worse. basically any time something happened that suggested I had a career future while his was falling apart led to me being abused. he had a spending problem and when I said if I had access to the accounts maybe I could help him budget and he said “oh so you can spend my money?” Which is funny because when I left him I had $500 to my name so if I was hustling him I was sure bad at it lmao. three months before I left him, a month after I quit drinking alcohol, my ex told me he was moving back home with our cats and that I would be “alright” and I was like wait I have no income and like I will have no place to live, he basically told me I would be okay because people loved me (something it became evident he resented) and then I asked if he was breaking up w me. Like a coward he said no. That night when I cried saying you always bring up your abandonment issues but you literally are abandoning me. He yelled no shit from bed. I took a month to dissociate, the second month I planned, and the third month I went back to my original city, saw everyone who loved me who were like gtfo of that. I stopped hiccuping. I had assumed I had some horrible illness bc I had been hiccuping for months and months every day. Three days away from him at a thousand miles, no hiccups… he was still a nightmare at a distance. When I got home we basically instantly broke up, I went to my friend’s place to catsit for a month, and I was blessed that a chosen father figure was there for me in a way I can never pay back. I called him saying “I left xyz, I have $500 to my name, and I’m about to be houseless in xyz” and he told me to come to Europe and I’d pay for nothing. before I was glamorously houseless in Europe (because my ex DID leave me houseless on paper, I had no mailing address), we had several moments my ex and I. I was separating the books and he said he was excited to see his family and have their support. All I said is I’m glad you have that support system. Within five minutes he’s screaming at me about my “passive aggressive” comment, that i “have no family, no place to go” and I was like yeah that’s why it’s messed up you’re leaving me houseless. Oh, also key things he did that really drilled into my soul is he would start convos w me, I’d respond, and then he’d go cold and be like I have nothing to say about that, silence. Extensively…and during the breakup breakup, he had a good deal that day so was in a good mood and even apologized for yelling at me as he cried (not that it matters) and it felt like the version I had known originally suddenly had shown up, it was crazy. Also I didn’t get to attend my baby sisters college graduation bc my ex refused to pay for a ticket to the graduation and I had lol no money. Anyway, the day before I left the country, he came up to me and said “xyz, I could only do this because I see a place for you in Hollywood but there isn’t one for me anymore” I responded something like “you couldn’t have done this if we were married” (which isn’t true but I didn’t really know what to say to that) and then he screamed “shut the fuck up at me” my friend came over as I got my shit out of there and finished packing, so I didn’t have to be alone w him. It’s been nearly a year since then, i don’t expect to ever hear an apology, a sense of reflection, or anything. goodbye jerk.