u/Haruse23

I encounter a lot of situations where someone mocks a normal behaviour I am doing, like a rude person in the street, even silence

They say something like literally: "Don't be silent" or "Don't walk away"

Don't know if it makes sense in English, but it kind of makes me freeze, might even continue walking normally subconsciously or something, but like maybe if I am eating something my hand gets stuck while holding food or something

I really hate this freezing, it makes me ashamed and embarassed terribly

I mentioned this to my therapist multiple times

But there is no real solution or answer, are all therapists like this ?

And it is like she keeps asking the same questions one after time, how do you feel, and tell me more about your traumatic experiences

There is no real response except that this experience can happen anywhere, and to anybody, and something like not all people are like this, and this happened some time ago already

Is forming healthy and strong relationships and connections with people necessary to handle life ?

I mean if people had healthy relationships and connections, they would handle daily conflict and hardships, and rudeness easier ? and just write it off ?

Does being traumatized affect that as well ?

Why other people can talk normally so fast, they talk anywhere

Mid conversation, when you are talking, like they are interrupting but seems they do that so normally aware

It always interrupts my line of thought

And i have to cope with the rhythm

مش عارف ايه انسب flair فاخترت ده

ازاي الواحد يتخطى فترة 2023 - 2024 ؟

مشكلتي مع الفترة تعامل الناس في الشارع اكتر من ازمة الكهرباء و الاسعار، انا الحمد لله عيشة كويسة مش احسن حاجة طبعا بس مستورة

الحقيقي كان في كذا تجربة متوقعتهاش خالص، تعامل الناس كان فيها خرا و الواحد حس انه محبوس و فاقد الامل في التعامل

التعامل كان كله خبث و بشاعة و لؤم و جربعة ، و الناس كان شكلها مصدوم بشكل غريب

الموضوع كان بشع بالنسبالي كمان لاني كنت لسه طالع من سنة كاملة ثانوية عامة مليانة ضغط و توتر و قلق عشان المستقبل و الدراسة كان مجهود غير طبيعي

مهتم اعرف اراء الناس اللي اتاثرت بالحوار ده ، و ازاي تخطوه او تقبلوه

(اي حد هيعرص في التعليقات و يقولي الناس غلبانة و الكلام ده ميكتبش احسن ، انا واعي بالظروف و لكن ده مش مبرر ابدا)

ندمان لما كنت في ابتدائي و في عيل تاني بهزر معاه بيقولي انه بيلعب زي رياضة قتالية او حاجة و ممكن يعمل حركات و يضرب

فقولتله اضربني يلا او حاجة زي جرب يلا، بهزار او مش فاكر وقتها بس مكانش بجد يعني

بعدها ضرب فعلا بسرعة جامد في بطني و حسيت بالم رهيب و قربت اعيط فعلا

حبيت اكتب ده مش اكتر، اعتقد الموقف ده من اهم اسباب جبني في الحياة و خوفي من المواجهة (محدش يقترح فنون قتالية لاني معنديش استعداد للالتزام بها و مش مفيدة بالنسبالي شخصيا)

I don't know what is this exactly, is it some form of staring ocd ?

But I find myself a lot staring at people involuntarily

Especially in situations like conflicts, when I want and should ignore them, I feel that compulsory urge to stare at them, maybe to understand their face or something.

I have to mention that I don't know really what qualifies as trauma. But I got diagnosed with it on the first session with my psychiatrist, not sure how reliable that is.

Do you ever feel like you are an inherently evil person ? Like all those experiences were just a punishment or a natural response to something bad you did.

I always feel like this, I created a thousand scenarios in my head and lived in them. Based on former experiences

I always lost, and I feel terrible shame and guilt, and I always freeze

Maybe that was there, because if I were as I am, in my spontaneity and normal behaviour, I would be completely evil person ? and hurt others ?

Is it just psychological ? or does it relate to brain and physical side ?

Is there any excuse for someone who has trauma ? Like we sympathise with people who have physical diseases and say it is out of their control.

I can't handle this humiliation anymore

I have to shutdown my brain, the memories of bullying, the thousands of constant fake imaginations and scenarios

I need to do something, I have to escape. They won't shut up, they will keep talking back to everything I say and hurt and embarass me

I shouldn't have stopped the medicine, even if it weren't improving anything anyway

I hope someone reads this, I just realised I typed a lot.

I don't know. Am I just this way ?

In a lot of my experiences, and a lot of my imaginations.

I had a lot of experiences where I was born, through those 20 years, and I have created many many scenarios in my head, infinite possibilities

A lot of those feel like I am just hurt, I am afraid to imagine, but I know I need to, to understand better myself, and try to rule out stuff, but imagination really hurts

Anyway, a lot of those situations, I try to reflect, I hate to think this way, but maybe a lot of those were normal and people were talking normally ?

I can't give examples right now. But in my imagination, I always get stuck, I have this image in my head constantly, and it always affects my sleep

That I can't respond to people after engaging with some conversation, I stop at some point

They ask a question or make a reaction, or an answer and I just stop, eventually I freeze. I try to think about multiple stuff in my head, while hiding my reactions and expressions, for some reason I have become so so good at this in real life, and in my head too, and I know it will hurt or be terrible if I had to imagine not hiding my reactions and expressions while thinking, it will be very uncomfortable, embarassing, maybe because I am revealing something of myself to others ?

I just don't know how to respond to something basic like: "What do you think ?" if I imagine myself travelling somewhere and then asking somebody if they are from a certain country

I am really not sure why, but I just know, like those words are associated with past experience, where people where malicious in some way or form, — and the people where I live can be so good at this, I know it —

Or even maybe because expressing myself ? Like what are you suppowed to say ? I am just asking if they are from, I don't know literally, I don't have a thought in my head

Even saying something like "Well... I don't know", and going on speaking normally, seems so awkward, I would just freeze, I know it, there is a certain speed of thinking and response required in public communication between people, and you don't know if they are sincere or not

I just hate it when I can't tell what people mean, or understand their emotions from their face expressions

I currently am very avoidant to people, I rarely go out of home, except to college or eating out with family at a restaurant

I also rarely go out to the grocery store or whatever to get stuff, we just order delivery majority of the time

I don't go out with friends frequently, I didn't also make many, neither I connected with them on a deep level

I know my future, I know it will get even worse after college and more isolated, and just work

I am ashamed to admit that, and at the same time I know a lot of people here and other places are against this idea.

I know I lost my masculinity already. And my right as a normal human. I don't have the traditional traits of a man anymore, there has been too much humiliating experiences.

Even living in this country (without specifying) is a humiliation and oppression itself

I started seeking it 3 years ago, I really couldn't take it anymore, I had to speak to a family member, and just go there. And I know by doing so, I am now no longer a true man, and just your weird psychotic guy. And here in this area, the environment is not helping anyway.

But it seems all this was just a comforting stage, there is no hope for someone who can't even think right for themselves or form a coherent opinion or belief about anything in life literally

It is like I just have to think, and keep thinking, and stay thinking, there has to be something in my mind, no matter what, no certainty or satisfaction ever.

Therapy just exists as a way to cope, not a solution. It doesn't erase memories or experiences, it doesn't change the world or bring justice. It shouldn't be expected to do so anyway. I know.

However, here physical medicine is really horrible, no well-trained or educated doctors or experienced doctors or physicians

Let alone psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists. A field that is struggling worldwide I assume

I really can't find a point to keep going, now I am just alive, but I even can't enjoy food, or anything. Everything is ruined by what I assume to be rumination and obsessions.

My best imagination is just living up to some point, securing money for family, then finally getting the courage to end life

But anyway, I know very well my future, I can see how it will be just the same suffering, maybe just on a smaller level, even outside, as long as I am alive, or exist with humans.

After all these imaginations and scenarios in my head, I have to give up on the idea of escaping from this nation and seeking a better place or better therapy

I don't understand people who have solid opinions, beliefs, about anything

I don't understand logic. I don't understand thinking, the end point and the meaning of it.

Not to bring my personal stuff here, but I have a lot of experience and maybe I have a right to judge based on it, this world is not logical. It doesn't care about logic.

Never understood all those people who talk about logic, discuss, argue constantly to eternity. It doesn't matter.

I don't understand the certainty, or the hopeness associated with it, believing any change can be achieved

The post is not about venting, but more like a contemplating at the meaning of it all, and why some believe anything can be changed, and how personal experiences ties to this ?

It is always someone in my head, walking side by side to me, and saying something, something my brain can't even know, I try to avoid imagining or engaging more, but my brain wants to fill the gaps, but it still lingers, I can barely sleep good because of it, or have bad sleep

I know why exactly, but my brain won't leave me alone

It is because of my cowardice to speak my mind, my tendency to analyse everything, even as I type, I am already analyzing what I type and the point of it

And brain could stop me at any moment from even doing it

I HATE humans, I have enough experience and data to judge based on, it should be enough, I just want to leave this planet

I want the courage and determination to just go

I can't respond to the person in my imagination, because of my uncertainty, because of my overthinking, because of my analysis

about LITERALLY everything

I cant understand their point of view or why they say stuff, I can't, my brain just doesn't help

I just want to give up, I don't have any beliefs or thoughts, or really true opinions about anything, and I am always paralyzed and frozen by this state

I don't want to, from my heart, I just want to give up and leave, like JUST do it, that is what I want, I just need to be certain of it and leave the planet, and stop awareness and the brain

What is there to connect with exactly with normal people ? They can't understand, feel, or fathom you at any level.

What memories can anyone share with them ? There is no really good memories, mostly full of suffering and misery.

How did any of you actually manage to do this ?

For those who survived bullying and is in college now or later, do you ever have these mixed feelings

That you wish you had met your bully with the same brutality and revenge-craving, same way they do, even after you try to respond back

At the same time, there is this fear of endless cycle of revenge or losing at the end

هو انا الوحيد اللي بحس اسلوب التواصل مع المصريين غريب جدا ؟

مثال تخيلي: لو انا مسافر برا في يوم من الايام، و قابلت حد اكتشفت انه مصري، و اساله كتعجب "هو انت مصري ؟" ، فيقوم يرد يقول "انت شايف ايه ؟"

حاجات زي دي بحسها بجحة فشخ، بس بحاول اكتم الشعور ده و ابان منطقي مع ان الطرف التاني مش في باله اصلا

هل في رد صح على النوع ده من الاسالة ؟ المشكلة اي رد ممكن تعمله في الاخر بينتهي ب "مالك يعم... ده شكله غلبان"

و مش بحب اتعامل بلطف زيادة عن اللزوم، من تجاربي السابقة الثابتة في مخي حتى لو المواقف بعينها مش واضحة، بينتهي وحش و بيتفهم غلط،

Do you get a lot of happy imaginations sometimes ?

Where you are the complete opposite of what you are ?

You are outgoing, cheerful, laughing with people in public, smiling, within limits of course, I can't know for sure what the absolutely normal person feel like or does in public, I think it is just natural for them

But then you know very well you would mess it up.

You know you will end up stuttering if you talked with someone

You know you will end up looking weird and embarrassing yourself

You will know you will stare at people inappropriately as some weird compulsion and end up making trouble or conflict, or creating a discomfort, and they might snap at you

You know if someone does the slightest act, like laughing, while looking at you, you will stare at them back and end up in endless thoughts and what ifs

You know a lot of this stuff, uncalculated and unexpected, will make you freeze and you will mess up eventually

Why do I keep getting involuntary mental imaginations, of something hurtful ?

The mental image or scene is so clear and realistic

It can be of a past experience that might be classified traumatic (like bullying or violence)

or even as simple as someone down the street, looking at me at my side or in front and saying some response that I feel weird and uncomfortable about

I sometimes get distracted, sometimes I ignore, most of times i am compulsed to engage further, and try to imagine more details and conversation and action, just to end up getting some relief maybe

How does one break exactly from this position ?

Where they unsure about if they want to live, or die ?

They are not really suicidal, to the point of planning it, but they get a lot of desires and thoughts about death, always

At same time, they are not really alive, they don't want to keep living, no reason or goal to, they don't want to suffer, but just surviving barely.