u/patientnumber420

There was an incident where she kinda blacked out on me when I was 12 years old because she went through my phone and found out I was talking to a boy. She beat me for minutes with a wooden spatula and said word for word “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” When I tried to push her off me and screamed at her to stop she just got more mad and kept going.

I am now 25 years old and still will never ever forget that incident. I will never forget how cold and cruel she was to me that afternoon. I will never forgive my father for enabling it too and just standing there watching me cry.
I literally felt my entire brain rewire and my nervous system change that day. It was that day I realized, I didn’t have an actual mother. I still remember the sore bruises I got from the beating. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I showed my teachers the bruises the next day. But there were no adults I trusted at the time. She’s lucky I never showed them.

I know for sure the mental issues I have is mostly because of her and my father’s abuse towards me during my entire childhood.

She doesn’t actively abuse me physically anymore. She claims she’s changed and didn’t know any better. (We’re African. She likes to use the “it’s our culture. My parents abused me too so it’s okay.” Excuse)

But I don’t care. She tries to make up for the abuse but there is nothing she can do to change what she did to me. I don’t care that she supports me financially. I will always see her as the monster that violated her own child because she had no control over her emotions.

Tomorrow will be my first day subbing. And it’s middle school… I don’t know what grade tho. I’m super nervous about it. I’m scared the kids will eat me alive. What if they notice my nerves?! Or don’t take me seriously because I’m so short? (I’m 5’1)
And I purposely picked an outfit that makes me look older so they can’t tell I’m in my 20s. I feel like they’ll try to test boundaries if they can tell I’m young. Or maybe I’m just overthinking?? Hahaha
I hope so!
But on the bright side, it’s only a half day. :)

I feel like no matter what, a parent is responsible for the way their child ends up. I’m not saying the parents are the only factor, but they are most definitely one of the main factors in how a person turns out. I don’t think I’d be able to live with myself if the kid I birthed and raised did something evil like murder or rape someone. That’s one of my many reasons why I’m contemplating staying childfree. Because there’s no guarantee the type of person your child will become. You can do everything right and still end up being responsible for the upbringing of a monster!

Two years ago, a friend of mine ended our friendship. I blocked him because I was upset about the way it ended. He said he outgrew me and that was like a blindside for me. Anyways fast forward to around fall last year. I remembered him and remembered our falling out. I felt like me blocking him might’ve been too much. So I unblocked and requested to follow him. He accepted my follow request then followed me back. He liked a few of my posts and reached out to me. Then we started talking again occasionally. He ended up asking me to meet up in person so we can catch up. I agreed and asked for his number so we can make plans. After giving me his number, I texted him and we were just small talking a few times. He told me he’s available sometime in April and I told him I’d be available too. About a week later I texted him again letting him know the exact week I’d be available so we can officially pick a date to meet up again. But he never responded. But he still followed me on insta and was posting. I thought to myself. Hmm maybe he’s just become too busy. I feel like he should’ve told me tho instead of leaving me hanging waiting for a response. At this point I was starting to have doubts about reconciling with him again. I just had a feeling he was going to end up disappointing me again. Then I noticed he deactivated his Instagram. Around the first month of summer. I wanted to text his number again but I felt like I wasn’t close enough to ask him if he’s okay. So fast forward several weeks later which is last week. I noticed he reactivated his Instagram because I saw his profile picture was visible again in the DMs section. But turns out he removed me and unfollowed me… I’m not gonna lie that honestly hurt my feelings. I’m a very sensitive person so it just felt like I was being hit by a truck. Like he literally was the one who initiated making plans just to ghost me then unfollow me without an explanation. He didn’t even have the decency to tell me he’s changed his mind about catching up. I had to find out by noticing he took me off his Instagram. After processing what happened I decided to block him on Instagram again. Not because I’m mad at him. I just felt like this was the universe telling me I should’ve trusted my instincts and kept him blocked. At this point, he’s just my past and I don’t think people from my past should have access to me. And looking back at our old friendship, there were times I felt like he wasn’t a true friend. He’s one of those people that weaponizes therapy talk to avoid accountability and it used to sometimes rub me the wrong way. For example, he always vented to me and I listened but when I wanted to vent to him, instead of reciprocating he dismissed me and judged me then said I need a therapist and he doesn’t want to listen to me talk about my issues. Even though I was a listening ear for him many times…
It still does sting a little when I remember. But anyways, I learned my lesson. No more dwelling on the past. I need to accept people for who they are and just let them go instead of hoping they change. I’m not mad at him anymore and I wish him well. We’re just incompatible as friends I guess. Maybe he had other things going on internally that I don’t know about. I just don’t want him ever in my life again

My abusive father said the reason he had kids is so somebody takes care of him when he gets too old. And he’s always talking about how “good kids” take care of their parents. I always laugh in my head because he has no idea and about to learn the hard way one day. I refuse to take care of my abusers. I don’t care about what they did for me.
They will be put in a nursing home and I already know I’m not visiting.

I plan to take the exam sometime in September most likely. I'm honestly very nervous. I already struggle with test anxiety and the program I'm in wasn't much help. Although I passed the course, I feel like I didn't really learn much and that terrifies me.

I just realized I actually don’t want a career in the mental health field.

I’ve been feeling very burnt out and discouraged lately. But I’ve been trying to persist. It’s just been so hard.

Currently in the region 4 program. And I’m honestly behind. It looks like I might have to ask for an extension. I can’t blame anybody else but myself for my lack of discipline. I should’ve known it would be difficult to balance my courses with a full time job. I’m wondering if anyone else can relate so I don’t feel alone. Haha

Please! It’s not fair that I’m blocked, yet they can have access to my account anytime they want! (Unblock then block again quickly method 🙄) And I don’t have any DMs with this person so I can’t use that method either. My account is usually private but due to my career it’s gotta be public soon so it’s not like locking my account is an option either. Please! I need a method that actually works. lol

Edit: I’m a professional model. Not OF or just an Instagram model. I’m actually signed to an agency. I’d like to keep my account public cause I want my photoshoots and portfolio to reach more people. I guess I could make a new account. It’s just this one has ALOT of followers. It took me a long time to gain them. That’s why I’m having this dilemma.

Edit 2: To the responses that were ACTUALLY trying to be helpful and not nosey or judgmental. Thank you! When I have the time, I will use the methods that were suggested. If they don’t work, I’ll be fine. Part of being a well known figure is accepting that you’ll have haters watching your every move. So I guess I gotta learn to deal with it.
I also decided I’ll keep my current account since it has a very large following. I’ll also create a separate account as a business one. When posting my shoots I’ll use that cross collab feature and link my business account.

I know I know they’re not the best. But since I’m not certified yet, they’re kinda one of my last resorts. I’m going today. And HELPFUL advice would be strongly appreciated.

I just can't do this anymore. They don't care about me. The actions they've shown me isn't love. I'm just done. I have to accept that I can't have the parents that I need. I feel my progress regressing when I am around them. I feel like a bird locked in a cage. Cutting off contact is my only way to be free.

Currently applying to as many jobs as I can so I can save up enough. My goal is to be out of this toxic cage by November. Before the holidays. I believe in myself.

He’s been struggling bad for a long time now because of the job market and I really wanna help him out.

My text message:

“I want to inform both of you that after the month of September, I will stop paying for the TMobile plan. I thought about it and due to no longer having a full time job and my other financial responsibilities it wouldn't really make sense to continue paying for the phone bill. As a reminder, September is the last month I will pay it. I apologize for any inconvenience this may cause. I hope you can understand.”

Mom’s response to my text message:

“Ouch.”

Father’s response to my text message:

“I hope you understand that your parents have been paying for your accommodation since your birth. I have been paying for your cellphone, meals, electricity, water, gas, health insurance, dental insurance medical expenses, etc.
You are finding it difficult to pay just $178 for phone. You voluntarily stopped working. I continued to work. Have you thought of what would happen if I stopped working? At my age, I am still working to halp you. You are finding it difficult to help out with $178. To tell you the truth, DO NOT understand your message. Your decision just does not make any sense. Period. HONESTLY, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.”

Anyways, here is the full story: While taking classes to get my teaching certification, I was working a VERY stressful, anxiety inducing job. I work with children with disabilities and basically every day had to deal with being bitten, hit, spat on, and objects thrown at me. This job literally began to affect BOTH my mental health and physical health. Like there were MANY days where I would have bruises on my body or cry in the staff bathroom due to how overwhelmed I was. And my dad knows how upsetting this job is for me. I literally would complain about it to him before quitting. I decided to leave my job and got a part time position as a substitute teacher for this coming school year. I felt it was the best path for me since I wouldn’t be dealing with overly aggressive behaviors anymore while also being able to have more time to focus on my courses and gain experience in the classroom as a teacher.
I understand his disappointment but it’s so messed up to throw the things he did for me as a father in my face. Especially when that’s literally what he’s supposed to do as a parent anyway! He doesn’t deserve a parade for that. And what’s hilarious is he only mentions the good bare minimum parts to attempt to guilt trip me. Of course he’s not gonna add that he abused me throughout my entire childhood.
I refuse to feel bad for not compromising my mental and physical health to please my abuser!! Especially knowing that his and my mother’s abuse is the reason why I have all these issues that I have to go to therapy to heal from.
Another thing I should add is I didn’t even wanna help out with the bills anyway! I already had other financial responsibilities (car note, car insurance, therapy/psychiatric medications, student loans, saving up to move out, and credit card bills). And also I’m in my 20s and still wanna have fun occasionally! He says $178 like it’s nothing but it adds up and he knows my job wasn’t paying me a lot. I don’t care if it’s selfish, I don’t wanna have to use the rest of my money to help him out! But I felt pressured when he asked and went into fawn mode. The funny thing is he told me originally I don’t have to. I knew he was lying when he said that.

And it’s insane to compare himself to me. Like yeah you decided to have kids when you were in your 50s and still had another one in your 60s so of course you still have to work to support them at your old age. That’s not my fault you can’t retire yet. Nobody forced you to have kids. (His reason for having children is so someone can take care of him when he gets too old btw… lol) And I’m in my 20’s with no children so I can only prioritize myself if I want!

Edit it to add: I’m also paying for my certification classes out of pocket! A total of almost $5,000 btw! Can’t believe I forgot to add that part. Lol

Edit to add: And I’m confused on the entitlement comments. Where did I ever say that I expect him to pay for my phone??? All I did was explain my situation for why I am unable to help him pay the entire family’s phones. I’m not entitled at all. Maybe I should’ve originally added I wasn’t expecting for him to pay for my phone anymore. I forgot everything has to explained to people that are just spectators so I guess that’s my bad. I’ve already been looking up affordable phone plans for myself.