r/africanparents

Hello everyone, M in his twenties living in France. TLDR

I would like to have your opinion on a family situation that is really starting to weigh on me.

My parents are from West Africa. In my family, I sometimes have the impression that children are seen as a future financial support for their parents once they grow up and start working.

My father regularly asks me for money, whether I work or not. A year ago, I was a student. Even when I worked little or stopped working for several months to concentrate on the studies I had to pursue, he continued to ask me for money.

Today, it’s almost become a habit: at the end of each month, when I receive my paycheck, he asks me to give him money.

What particularly bothers me is that he also asks me to save my money, not to spend unnecessarily and to pay for my own subscriptions and expenses. In itself, this advice is not bad. But, at the same time, he is waiting for me to give him money whenever he needs it. So I feel like he’s asking me to be financially responsible while considering that my money must remain available to him.

He regularly talks about the groceries and other purchases he makes for the house. When he receives money or makes expenses, he reminds us that it is for us, his children, and explains that he has spent all or a large part of this money on us.

The problem, however, goes beyond mere demands for money.

My father owes me so much money today that I ended up forgetting the exact amount. Several times, he asked me to lend him money. I agreed, thinking that they were really loans and that he would pay me back later.

But when I ask him for the money he owes me, he says that it was not a loan, but a help or a gift that I would have given to the family. So he uses the fact that the money went to the family to justify that he doesn’t pay me back.

I find this situation particularly unfair: when he asks for the money, it is a loan, but when I want to recover what is owed to me, it suddenly becomes a gesture of solidarity or a gift.

I specify that my father has no access to my bank accounts and does not open my mail. The problem is not that he directly controls my accounts, but rather the repeated requests, financial expectations and the way he presents the amounts I lent him.
My mother also recently started asking me questions about my studies. She particularly wanted to know how many years I had left before finishing them. She told me about the army, making it clear that she would prefer that I join in order to receive a good salary and associated benefits.

I had the impression that in his eyes, my studies were not really a priority and that earning money quickly mattered more. This bothers me, because I want to continue my studies and build my professional future according to my own goals, rather than choose a path mainly for its salary and the benefits it could bring.

Sometimes I have the feeling that my parents are more interested in what I could provide financially than in what I really want to build for my future.

Yesterday, my father asked me for €10. I refused. He then said that he was waiting for my little sisters to work so that he would be at peace. One is 18yo and the other only 13yo.

This sentence particularly struck me. I felt like he was waiting for his children to start earning money so that he could count on them financially.

When I refuse to give him money, he sometimes agrees, but he can come back to me a few days or weeks later and ask again. He also gets angry and reproaches me for spending too much or telling me that I should change jobs.

The problem is that I don’t refuse just because I lack money. Even if I had some, I wouldn’t necessarily want to give it to him, because I don’t like this feeling of permanent financial obligation, especially when he already owes me money and refuses to acknowledge some of his debts.

At the moment, my situation is actually very complicated: I only have 15 cents left. I barely have anything to eat except bread. So I can’t even afford to meet his demands.

I understand that a parent may have financial difficulties and may need help. I also understand that in some families and cultures, solidarity between generations is very important.

But I have several questions.

Does having raised children mean that they must then contribute financially to their parents' needs, even when it puts them in difficulty ?

Is it normal to ask your children to save money while regularly soliciting their money, and then consider the unpaid loans as gifts when they claim their due ?

For me, feeding your children, raising them and providing for their needs is part of parental responsibilities. I don’t think it should automatically become a debt that children are supposed to repay for their whole lives.

I’m not saying you should never help your parents. I just think that this help should be possible and voluntary, and not based on guilt or a permanent obligation. And when it comes to a loan, I think that the fact that the money was used for the family should not allow one to later deny that it must be repaid.

I would like to have your opinion, especially if you grew up in a family where parents are waiting for their children to support them financially once they become adults.

Do you find this situation normal ? How do you make the difference between family solidarity and feeling financially indebted to one’s parents ? And how would you react in the face of parents who seem to favor their children’s future income over personal projects ?

I’m 15, my mom wants me gone

I think things started changing around 6th and 7th grade. I got my first boyfriend, started exploring things, and wanted more freedom. My mom found out about my boyfriend buying me gifts, caught me on the phone late at night, and found out about other things I was doing.

We started having more problems, and I got into fights at school and received in-school suspension. Around that time, I was also exploring my sexuality. Some things I did were out of curiosity, and other things happened because of peer pressure. I wasn’t necessarily trying to rebel against my mom. I was just young and trying things without really thinking about the consequences.

In 7th grade, my mom found out I had sent nudes to a boy, and that was a whole situation. Things got worse when I changed schools. I was accused of bullying a girl, had problems with the principal, and eventually my mom decided to send me to Nigeria.

I stayed with my mom’s friend and her family for a while. During that time, I got into a lot of trouble. I fought someone, stole money, found out about cheating in the family and told my aunt because I thought I was helping, and got caught with a vape. I also stole phones from kids because I didn’t have my own phone. Looking back, I know those things were wrong, and I’m not trying to make excuses for them.

At one point, my mom took away my things, and there was barely any food in the house. I went to my grandma’s house because I was hungry. When my mom found out I wasn’t home, everything turned into a big argument. My grandma told her what had been happening, and I felt like everybody was against me. My dad didn’t believe me either.

My relationship with my dad has always been complicated. He was abusive and controlling toward my mom, and their relationship had a lot of problems. They separated years ago, but I still wished they could be together sometimes.

Eventually, my mom sent me to stay with my aunt in a village in Nigeria. I was only 13. While I was there, I got involved with a 27-year-old man. At the time, I thought I was in love with him. He had helped me before, and I thought I could trust him. I was young and didn’t fully understand everything I was getting myself into.
After that, I was sent to a Catholic boarding school.

I stayed there for months without seeing my mom or having normal contact with my family. The school was strict, the food was limited, and I was lonely. I even spent my birthday there without my mom or my twin. I tried to stay positive, but honestly, it was hard.

During a break, I found out my dad was in Nigeria, so I went to see him. My mom and aunt were angry, but I wanted to spend time with him. I eventually went back to boarding school, struggled with my classes, and later saw my mom and brother again. My dad helped me return to America.

When I came back, I started talking to my ex again. My grandma gave me $25 for Valentine’s Day, and I used it to get him an Uber to come over. I posted it on Snapchat, and my mom’s friend found out. My mom took my phone, got angry, and started calling me names. I went to my school counselor, but she brought my mom into the situation without telling me first, which made everything more stressful.

Since then, there have been more problems. My mom found a weed pen in my bag, and I lied about it being mine even though I knew it was. She also found out about a personal item I had bought. My grandma ended up telling my mom things about my past that I wasn’t ready for her to know. My mom got really upset and called me a slut, a prostitute, and a criminal. She took my phone, checks my things, and doesn’t really give me privacy anymore.

I don’t even have my own room right now. I sleep in the same bed as my mom, and I feel like I have no space to myself.

My mom is also upset about my school attendance. I take AP and honors classes, and I know I have absences and tardies that I need to work on. I’m not saying I’m perfect, but I do care about school and my future. I want to do better, and I don’t want to keep making the same mistakes.

What hurts is that my mom has physically hurt me before. She’s punched me, beaten me, and dragged me during arguments. It doesn’t happen as often now, but I still worry about things getting worse. I don’t really have anyone I feel comfortable going to about all
of this, and that makes everything feel even harder.

Sometimes I wonder what I did to deserve being treated this way. I know I’ve made mistakes, and I’m willing to admit that. I know stealing, lying, fighting, and vaping weren’t right. But I also feel like my mom sees me as nothing but my mistakes, even though I’m trying to change.

I’m scared she might send me back to Africa again. I’ve thought about calling CPS, but I’m scared of what would happen. Where would I live? Would I still be able to go to school and graduate? What would happen to my phone and everything else?

I want to graduate next year and become a CRNA one day. I want to have a good career and build a life for myself. Sometimes I feel like I should just stop going out, stop talking to people, and focus on school until I can eventually be independent.

I don’t want to act like I’m the victim in every situation because I know I’ve done things wrong. But I also don’t think I deserve to feel this way all the time.

I’m just tired. I want things with my mom to get better, but I also want to feel safe and have some peace. I want to be able to grow up, learn from my mistakes, and move forward without feeling like my past is going to follow me forever.

I have found that African fathers tend to be the main culprits of creating broken homes and creating dysfunction within african families, my dad was abusive, unfaithful and only cared for himself most of my life, he even tried to go back to Africa and live with a new woman and the kids they had together (African dads seem to love doing that) but changed his mind and decided to come back and live with my family, but this man has the nerve to complain about his circumstances and not having a job and having no money when he willingly quit his job and left to travel and do god knows what, due to the way he raised us my older brother is now an alcoholic who drinks till he vomits everyday, my sister is a recovering addict and is an alcoholic, don’t get me wrong not everything is his fault and he has loosened up recently, but wow he was a piece of shit for most of my life and I find myself questioning why he ever had children since he clearly can’t afford it and constantly says he regrets having children (he has multiple children with different women as well which doesnt make sense) I find this kind of reckless behaviour common in 1st generation African fathers.

Edit: He also loved preaching and was one of the main preachers within the community, idk what it is with the super religious African dads/uncles and being the worst sinners behind closed doors🤦🏽‍♂️

I recently told my mother that I no longer believe in Christianity and that I consider myself an atheist. I told her that I genuinely don’t feel that God is real, and that I struggle with the idea of an all-powerful and loving God allowing so much suffering in the world.
One of the things that especially bothers me is the amount of violence and massacres that have happened in Africa and even historically the amount of wars,slavery and so much more.I also struggle with the biblical story of the firstborn sons of Egypt being killed during the Exodus. I can’t understand why a supposedly loving God would let the people pay the prize for the descisions made by the pharaoh.
My mother took this extremely badly.
She is now pressuring me to get down on my knees and pray for hours, asking God for forgiveness and begging me to return to Christianity. I have explained that I don’t believe in God anymore, so praying to God doesn’t feel sincere to me.
She has now threatened to disown me if I don’t return to Christianity.
I understand that Christianity is extremely important to her. But at the same time, I don’t think I should be forced to believe something that I genuinely don’t believe.I have refused to go to church for about a year now I’m 16 soon to be 17 she is calling the church pastor to even come by my house soon if I don’t believe again she says she will disown me

I’m taking some ashwagandha tea so my inner narrator can rest for a minute as type this.

Something silly just occurred to me.

So my sister had a pastor neighbor who was a total conman, but he had a unique gift, he was extremely perceptive.
He could tell you everything that was bothering you just by observing you.
Also pretty sure he was a narcissist as most preacher men are.

He invited us for a home Sunday service and during the session, that weird moment started when everyone was in intense prayer and some two kids started falling about, spirits or whatever

Naturally I got freaked out and stepped outside to calm down, and he started talking to the other guests about me.
“I saw a woman sitting beside her and whispering.” That’s what he said to them.

In retrospect, I believe he sensed my severe anxiety at the time and picked up on the fact that it was cultivated by my mother.

“You are too lazy, you just want to get free things but you don’t want to work for them”
“Nobody can be around you if you don’t tolerate them. You have to tolerate me, I’m your mother”
“That small cut is making you cry? I don’t know how you people will survive”

This lady always had (has) something to say about the way I dressed, how I acted, my interests etc. so much so that my one big sister whom I could have been so close to and connected with, adopted the same pattern.

My sister was my first bully.
My mother was hers.

I moved into my own place and that was when I raised that not only did I have a constant stream of narration in my mind at any given moment, but that it was overly critical of my fashion sense, my lifestyle, my interests and decisions - greatly influenced by my mom’s and sister’s never-ending pecking.

My self esteem/self-worth was in the pits.

She trained me to do my own criticizing of myself on her behalf. Isn’t that totally wild?
Anyway that’s when I stopped craving validation from either of them.

I never knew true girlhood until I met my current friends in uni. I even went to an all girls high school for six years and still couldn’t make a connection!

Anyway later, after moving back in with my parents and finally realizing that my mom and I would never have anything resembling a mother daughter relationship, I wiped my little tears and saved the pity for my now-late sister.

Now, a new dynamic has presented itself.

I have been angry at my mom (and dad) for a good number of reasons (especially living in such close quarters once again), but for my own peace of mind I have been moving with a lot of grace for them.

Recently, my mom and I were working in the kitchen and I noticed that my inner narration has now changed its tone totally.. from criticizing me to criticizing her.

“Such a beautiful woman but such a terrible mindset.”
“She really shouldn’t have let herself go like that.”
“She had no business having more kids with this man.”

Oh, and her own criticism of me has never stopped. I just don’t take it seriously enough these days.
You know what, touché for her non-stop criticism backfiring on her now, though it’s me who still has to deal with the constant stream of negativity emanating from my mind.

So, how do I now deal with this? I’ve been spamming blunts for over a year and I think it’s time to move on in a way that is actually healthy for me.

All advice, suggestions, and reactions are welcome.