r/africanparents

This is specifically for those of you who have moved out and are now living alone.

We all know how manipulative African parents can be.

It’s why despite my mother begging me to come back home several times, I always refused. I blocked her months ago and haven’t spoken to her or anyone else in my family ever since.

On the 7th of July 2026, it will officially be a year since I moved out. My life is not perfect - I was homeless for 4 months before I eventually found a place to stay. I’ve been in therapy, taken medication and my partner has supported me tons. But there are still moments where the depression hits me like a truck.

On to the more positive side of things - I’m going back to uni this October and next year, I’m planning to start my teacher training. Teachers in Scotland get paid quite well. Or at least, far better than teachers in England. I’ve never been the materialistic type which explains why I gave up my dad’s dream of me becoming a lawyer just so that I can pursue my passion for teaching but it’s a nice little bonus.

Life has been immensely stressful, especially without the money from my parents which would make things a million times easier but going back home is the last thing I would do.

My mum was arrested the day I left. She’s never going to forget about that. She would always talk to me “sweetly” on the phone but I’m not stupid enough to fall for it. I’ve lived with her my whole life. She is an extremely manipulative, abusive bully. I don’t know why but I have this terrible fear that if I go back home, my parents will either trick me into being shipped off to Nigeria or my dad will murder me. I’m not joking. He has threatened to kill me twice in the past and knowing how quick-tempered and violent he is, I’m not surprised he would actually do it.

So please be careful. I’m not trying to scare any of you. I just don’t want anything horrible to happen to you.

Idc about the generalization I made because it’s true you can see this all over the continent of Africa and here I am being forced to go to church and groomed into modesty and being someone’s slave while my neighbors are outside with their daughters relaxing and letting them wear shorts like are you fucking kidding me? About to go and waste hours sitting in a church classroom with teachers who are failed pastors screaming I hate Africa and I hate African parents and African culture take this dirty ass religion shit somewhere else instead of giving birth to kids and taking away their free will sterilize yourself

I see the same thread every day in this sub-reddit and it goes something along the following lines:

- Adult child i.e. above 20 has finished school, university etc and is working, finally has some income and can no longer bear the mental assault of a parent or in some cases both parents, aunties, uncles and other flying monkeys.

- Adult child diligently saves and plans their exit, often very emotionally conflicted out of a sense of confusion, love and duty.

- Parents manipulate child to stay living at home and then proceed to make adult child's life a living hell out of a sense of betrayal that adult child even wanted to leave in the first place or because they're just flat out dysfunctional.

- The abuse from the parents is often so severe to the point many adult children end up with some sort of mental health condition i.e. anxiety, depression, a dissociative disorder, cPTSD and may even trigger some forms of Bipolar disorder (note you'd have to be genetically pre-disposed for Bipolar but yes stress and trauma make it worse).

The point of this post is to say that there are just some instances where your health and specifically mental health are too important to stay. Without a doubt it is hard to escape the pressure or this conditioning, but in examples like the one above - YOU NEED TO GET OUT BY ANY MEANS.

Sadly parents like this are acting out their own narcissistic trauma wounds and do not even see you as human anymore, because you are just an extension of that original wound. So by staying you are putting yourself at risk.

Even if you are earning peanuts people and need to eat gari and peanuts to make it work - MOVE OUT.

The clarity that comes with not being abused, belittled, shouted at etc every day is enormous. That alone creates its own bandwidth of peace and the ability to build joy (and prosperity) in your life. Also some of these parents are such bad energy that they will sabotage an idea before it happens if they believe it means they will lose control over you (ask me how I know).

Sadly I have experienced abuse from both parents and a partner and I will honestly say that leaving both is very similar, which is why they are both hard to get away from. They say that abused women take on average 7-11 attempts to leave their abuser and I believe this also applies to some situations with African parents. That said if you find yourself in this situation, please keep trying and lean on any sources of support that you have. You don't need the latest iPhone, clothes etc - just ensure you are safe and have the opportunity to know your value.

I get there is an element of Stockholm syndrome with leaving a horrible situation (as I detailed above) and that is why I believe it's good to join a codependency group to understand how strong that familial hold is. These groups function on the same model that is used to offer support to the dependent children of say alcoholics and addicts, because that is what we're dealing with in some African families i.e. the same levels of dysfunction and toxicity that an addict brings to a family dynamic. Once of the key tenets of these programs is the sense of empowerment that comes from believing that you have value, believing in a higher power than yourself, that you yourself have power over your life and that you deserve to live a rich and fulfilling life.

Please keep trying until you make it out.

I don’t want to make this a think piece but as an adult now I remember when I was a younger male my father would fiddle with my areolas until they got hard and was constantly smiling when he was doing it. And family members would jokingly slap my but as a “joke”. I always took that as a joke but when my father used to play with my chest area I would notice I would get turned on but wouldn’t know what is going on at the time. Older now (separated and left home when I was younger) and I never had a strong relationship with him but we still talk although pretty shallow. Does anyone know what this is I am utterly confused

I live in London, recent graduate.

It took me from July (when I graduated) to June to find a job so a year.

I’m now earning 1790 pounds a month, however I got into a -3k interest free overdraft for due to the fact that I was paying 100 (rent money at home to mum) in university, my rent was way more expensive then my maintenance that even with working I wasn’t able to not go into my overdraft with is completely fine, however I’ve managed to save uk 5k of my own money, and I also am now earning.

I want to move in September after my probation

Due to mental health at home, and I feel like it makes more sense as my job is based in Essex and I live in SE LDN so I pay 700 a month on travelling. And then the small rent my mother charges.Also I wake up at 5:30 and get home at 7 so im always really tired and don’t have time to myself or to study so I can progress (job market isn’t easy) I also am more inclined to by food outside because im too tired to prep my food when I come home

My dad says it’s a bad idea to move to Essex financially, and as a young black woman alone in a reform county. , he also says it’s because I probably won’t be at the job for more than 1.5 years, I was looking at available rooms I could defo find somewhere for 700 monthly bills inc

Do you think it’s a smart move to move away, should I clear my overdraft before I start to even think about it? I will most definitely be waiting till probation, but I basically spend around 1100 at home on just expenses so is it worth just living closer to work for peace of mind?

Yes. Nose / smell / scent 👃

I’ve just woken up at 10am to take medication 🫩

My african mum was very quick with the “you didn’t bath today”. I’ve just woken up ??

Respectfully i KNOW i don’t even smell bad. People tell me i smell LOVELY actually. This is how i know my mum’s been my no. 1 hater since birth

It just even reminds me of a time a couple days ago where I was dying my mum’s hair black as she wanted me to cover her grays. AND MY MUMS HAIR STUNK SO BAD 👎

And the other time my mum had NASTYYY body odourrr at 3pm

And the other time my mum’s breath smelt like a rat died at 9:37am in the morning

But i smell though ?

There’s no defending this monstrosity 😐

I’m 17 years old and I really grinded my way to get two jobs this summer, I also joined the military and I have my basic training in the fall so my mum knows (and is very excited) that I’ll be making money. The MOMENT my first paycheck hit my bank account she’s been asking me to send money back home. It’s not that I’m selfish and I don’t want to help my family it’s that my family are just scammers. Ever since I was a child they took advantage of my mom since she’s the only one abroad. I don’t want to sound rude but my multiple aunt and uncles are just bums, most of them dropped out of school and have 5-6 kids and are struggling. They not only ask my mum for money but they LIE and say “oh I want money for a business” and when my mum sends money they use it for something else. My mum even went into DEBT trying to help buy a house just for them to destroy it all together. She’s done so much for them and my grandmother.

My mum spent thousands to bring her mum to Canada, here she has good healthcare (she has severe diabetes), her own bedroom and lives very very comfortably. Yet she would always be talking about how she misses her children and demanded to go back to Cameroon. Long story short she’s in a 1 bedroom house with her son and his wife and with a bunch of kids and she has all of these medical bills and costs and she keeps nagging my mum. Mind you she has 9 OTHER KIDS but she takes advantage of my mum because she’s abroad. It’s gotten to the point where she demands her to pay random kids school fees because “she has money” as if they don’t have parents. Well now my mum asked me to send money to get my grandma food and I refused. She started going on a whole rant about how selfish and wicked I am that I don’t want to help my grandma. She even was talking to another family member and the family member was telling her to convince me a second time and I still refused. I told her I’m trying to enjoy my money while save up for a car but she wants me to be sending money to people back home that take advantage of you 🙄.

It’s so frustrating because a lot of the reasons why I grew up low income was because of horrible financial decisions SHE made and now as I’m trying to better myself she’s trying to make things harder. She signed a phone payment plan under HER name yet is demanding I pay everything because she doesn’t have money (I agreed because it’s my phone so) and now she’s demanding me to pay for gas and bills, I’m so tired.

Hey guys!

I'm a 16f closeted queer teen living Ghana.

LETS BE REAL...

BEING QUEER IN AFRICA IS ABSOLUTELY F-ING LONELY T^T

so I thought It would be nice for us share some experiences and do a lil online bonding <3

I'd love to find some like minded individuals I can open up to about my Identity and sexualiy :-)

Can't wait to hear from y'all!

Oh goodie. Gosh, I love a good rant so buckle up for some proper BS guys!

As any natural person, I have a complicated relationship with my parents. I love them. I wish they live long and happy. I hope they interfere as little as possible in my life in the near future. Why you ask?

My dad is a rather well off person but he can be dreadfully annoying. He has some shit ideologies I can't stand and is as busy as a bee can be. Despite being a business owner, he doesn't see it fit to put time aside for his family like that and complains when we don't need to see him for 4 days despite living in the same house. He has this fantasy of being abandoned as an old man whose children don't appreciate him enough despite all they do. And I'm so tired of trying to appease it rather than address the real problem, which is his ego. Nobody abandons their loving and caring father just because. Anyways, he uses this to justify why he has to make money for himself.

Speaking of his ego, he can be incredibly rude to his workers at times. He does reward them handsomely but like I said, he's the type to go into a meeting with them and say something like "Your attire looks like you bought it at a thrift. Please remove that disgusting thing of you" or "Yk (employee), ask him. We're no longer as close as we used to be because he's redundant" Not saying I'm a saint but I'm not sure that's how I'd like to be spoken to as an employee. He tends to get angry easily when things don't go his way. Like me saying I have a puercing headache when he wants me to follow him to work for no reason or say he hates my work ethic (I don't work??)

His ego can be so irritating in a way that it feels like lying to me. I'm an engineering major and he's ask me about an alternator of a car randomly and get angry if I don't know the answer. In the same breath, he'd say it's okay not to know stuff. Well, clearly not when you're huffing and puffing down my neck.

We're religious and he'd also get angry if he doesn't hear us shouting to pray and screams at my 8 year old sis often because she just looks into space while we pray. I feel bad but there's nothing I can do for ber in that moment or I could get the heat of it too.

Oops. Well, I'll talk about my mom in another rant. Lemme know if y'all have similar thoughts about your parents

I cannot even begin to explain the anger i feel when every other day there's news of a woman beating the shit out of a child for no reason.

I speak for Nigerians because of my experience.

Majority of Nigerians cannot see children as people who are learning new things every day, they see them as someone who is fully conscious of the things they do and believe beating is a correction for everything. Putting fear and terrorizing a child is the correct way to do things.

Every time i see Africans talking about the idea of beating children i try my best to not blow up bbecause for these parents beating isn't even used for big deal things, its almost for everything!!!!! No one forced you to have a child!!!! No one forced you to keep a child you hate!!!

This is the same country that hosts meetings to see if a child is a witch or not. The society HATES children, births them for help, births them so they can make arrangements to make THEIR future better.

Of course this is not the case for everyone, but its MAJORITY of Nigerian mothers that have anger issues and pour them towards their children.

I say this as someone who grew up around other Nigerian children and witnessed their mothers beating the shit out of them in front of me for the smallest things. The same children that then tell me its correct to beat children as if i didn't just see them shaking from fear just from the sight of their mother.

I hope someday people will start getting their temper under control before having children and value them as they are just innocent people.

This is a reoccurring thing.

For some reason whenever I ask my mother if I can go hang out with my friends she just ignored me. I noticed the two times I just told her I was going to go somewhere (one was a school reuinions the other was actually hanging out with them) she was like "ok" she's so fucking weird I hate her fat bitch ass

My parents are from Togo, a very small and obscure Francophone African country neighboring Ghana. Growing up my parents speak 3 languages in the house(English, French, and Ewe) but they never bothered to teach either French or Ewe to me.

Whenever I went to family gatherings, my relatives would always try to converse with me in French and I couldn’t understand what they were saying which would only make them annoyed that I never spoke the language. Growing up I really wasn’t inverse into African culture, I always saw myself as a black person who just happened to be born in America. It wasn’t until a few years ago that I found out I was apart of the Ewe tribe and my parents never told me anything about this. For the longest I thought they were speaking some kind of French pidgin when they spoke Ewe because I was never taught either languages and I don’t understand either of them too.

I’m older now but I really don’t feel any connection to Africa nor do I really see myself as African since I have an accent that’s closer to African Americans since I was born and raised in Maryland, and I wasn’t really taught anything growing up. Even my Congolese family friends could speak their languages aside from French, but I couldn’t speak either French or Ewe. Does anyone else in this sub feel this way?

basically the title, but i’m wondering if anyone else does too

it’s the only time there isn’t constant noise and i don’t have to put up with them, but even then for some reason they are sometimes up at 5am so I have to try for 4am

I’ve written on this subreddit before about my mom throwing out the pills I use to treat my bipolar disorder, but guys she’s truly outdone herself this time. My mom stole 6.3k from me :).

I (20F) live in a city that requires a car to get anywhere. In early May, I got into a car accident and my car was totaled. Since then, I’ve been working 3 jobs and using Uber to get around as well as walking an hour to get to my jobs. I bought the car by myself in January and paid for insurance by myself. The only way that my mom was involved was by signing the title (the dealer required her to sign it for whatever reason) but other than that the car was ENTIRELY mine. I would pay for gas, maintenance, insurance, everything by myself. When the car was totaled, I did the entire insurance process by myself too. Finally the check came but since the title was under her name, the check was addressed to her. And she took the entire thing, all SIX THOUSAND and THREE HUNDRED of it.

Mind you, I’ve been struggling with rent, struggling to pay for psychiatry and therapy appointments, and can barely afford the medication that she threw out. My feet have blisters from walking to work and I never have time to even talk to my friends and siblings because I am too busy. People are noticing that I’ve lost weight because I can’t even afford to eat or buy groceries. I eat the snacks that are served at work and that’s it. The only thing that was giving me hope was getting a new car & she took it all. Honestly this news has made me so depressed that I don’t even know what to do. I cried to her on the phone begging her to at least give me something and she said no. Her justification? “I brought you into this world so you owe me.” Is this the final straw, should I cut her off?

i’ll start!!

My dad has literally threatened my life saying he’d beat the fuck out of me and watch me bleed out 🩷🩷 (bcz i got a piercing)

Hello! , I just need to vent and maybe get some advice. I recently started taking medications (ADHD/OCD/Antipsychotic’s) and I am genuinely doing SO much better. But my African mother is making it miserable.

She constantly bitches about my meds, claiming they are “draining” me and that I’m going to die from them. She literally calls them my “candies” to imply I’m just addicted to drugs. The most obnoxious part is that she blames every single minor inconvenience on the medication. If I say “wow, my foot hurts today,” she immediately gasps and goes, “OMG it’s those medicines, you’re destroying your body!”

I am so tired of hearing it. uHas anyone successfully gotten their parents to back off about this? I don’t even want to tell her when I have a headache anymore because I know exactly what she’s going to say. What do I even say to shut this down?

Nah cause I personally will be taking the money the aunties and uncles give me and run away to buy food man

Back in the days - there was no money … now i have money ????

Let me use the money for food then, guys’ bodies have already left the planet, i might aswell eat 🤷‍♀️

No tears from me tho x

im considering going back to therapy, but idk how much it will help if im still in the environment that wrecked my mental health; I know it might give me some coping skills and stuff but even then im hesistant because I don't know how many therapists know about abusive households and all the stuff that happens in them

That’s why they always talk about: “How can you be depressed” or “how can you say that I didn’t do enough for you when I fed you I gave you a place to stay and I pay your school fees?” That’s also why they like to dictate what our career will be, a lot of our parents didn’t have us because they wanted to give their kids a better life; they just wanted to “one up” their peers by showing they can have a greater return on investment with little input (low affection and high discipline). We aren’t really human to them, just property.