r/africanparents

idk what it it’s but my parents especially my mum bases the rules on what she wants, i can’t wear a shirt, not because it’s inappropriate, but because she doesn’t like how it looks, i can’t wear my hair a certain why, not because it’s high maintenance or smth, but because she doesn’t like it. and if i do it anyway she starts saying im disobeying her? am i the problem because im confused

Growing up with emotionally absent African parents who often used rigid Nigerian traditionalism and “discipline” to justify hitting, insulting, belittling, or dismissing me shaped the way I feel toward them today. Those things happened during the years when my personality, confidence, and understanding of relationships were still developing. So the anger, irritation, resentment, and even discomfort I feel when they touch me, stand too close to me, or sometimes simply speak to me did not come from nowhere.
Now that I’m older, in university, and gaining independence, they suddenly want closeness. They want to joke with me, hug me, talk to me, and develop this parent-child relationship that was never properly built in the first place. And I genuinely don’t want to fix it. I’m not secretly waiting for an apology so that we can become close, I honestly don’t care for the relationship they suddenly want now. What makes it worse is that they expect that closeness without acknowledging why the distance exists.
Instead, the past is denied or minimized. My mother saying, “You’re still holding onto something that happened back then?” is especially frustrating because, to them, it may have happened years ago and been forgotten. For me, it was the environment I developed in. Time passing doesn’t automatically erase its impact.
Then there’s the constant use of money. Providing me with a roof over my head, paying for my education, or supporting me financially is repeatedly used as evidence that I have “great parents” and therefore have no right to complain. But financial support and emotional support are not interchangeable. Having my material needs met does not mean my emotional needs were met, nor does it erase being hurt, belittled, dismissed, or physically punished. I can acknowledge what they have provided financially without owing them silence about everything else.
What makes their change now difficult to trust is the timing. As I become more independent and reach the point where I can eventually walk away or decide how much access they have to me, suddenly their behavior changes. Maybe some of that change is genuine, but it’s difficult not to question it when there is still no accountability. They want access to a version of me they never built a relationship with while refusing to acknowledge why I don’t want them close to me.
And that’s the conflict: I’m constantly made to question whether I’m dramatic, ungrateful, or “holding onto the past” simply because they behave better now. But recognizing their current behavior doesn’t require me to rewrite my childhood. I’m not asking them to fix the past, and I’m not asking to rebuild our relationship. I just refuse to accept the idea that because they financially provided for me, I’m supposed to pretend the emotional damage never happened. I also have to acknowledge that this isn’t solely about childhood resentment. I genuinely don’t enjoy spending time with them now. Even on this vacation, I constantly question why I’m here. I’ve already been lectured multiple times about how I’m supposed to feel, including being told how I should accept the new adoptee and being criticized over things as trivial as my preferences toward expensive items. It reminds me that even when they are supposedly trying to be “better,” I still feel controlled, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected from them.
The situation with the adoption is particularly complicated for me because, after losing my sister to suicide, I personally struggle with the feeling that this new addition to the family is somehow meant to fill the space she left behind. Whether or not that is actually their intention, being lectured about how I am supposed to accept or feel about such a sensitive situation only creates more resentment.
And the uncomfortable truth is that I probably would not choose to spend this much time with them if I were completely financially independent. Right now, much of my continued involvement comes from the fact that they still financially support me. That doesn’t mean I owe them emotional closeness in return. If anything, watching them has made one thing incredibly clear to me: they represent so much of what I never want to reproduce in my own parenting.

I can't put all my thoughts here it's just to hard for me, and I feel like certain things can only be understood when their not in text form, becouse the things I experience is just to mind numbing to type them out. As I type my brain gets cunfuzled becouse of the heavy emotional damage of the situation i have to remember.

There was an incident where she kinda blacked out on me when I was 12 years old because she went through my phone and found out I was talking to a boy. She beat me for minutes with a wooden spatula and said word for word “I brought you into this world and I can take you out.” When I tried to push her off me and screamed at her to stop she just got more mad and kept going.

I am now 25 years old and still will never ever forget that incident. I will never forget how cold and cruel she was to me that afternoon. I will never forgive my father for enabling it too and just standing there watching me cry.
I literally felt my entire brain rewire and my nervous system change that day. It was that day I realized, I didn’t have an actual mother. I still remember the sore bruises I got from the beating. Sometimes I wonder what would’ve happened if I showed my teachers the bruises the next day. But there were no adults I trusted at the time. She’s lucky I never showed them.

I know for sure the mental issues I have is mostly because of her and my father’s abuse towards me during my entire childhood.

She doesn’t actively abuse me physically anymore. She claims she’s changed and didn’t know any better. (We’re African. She likes to use the “it’s our culture. My parents abused me too so it’s okay.” Excuse)

But I don’t care. She tries to make up for the abuse but there is nothing she can do to change what she did to me. I don’t care that she supports me financially. I will always see her as the monster that violated her own child because she had no control over her emotions.

I don't know how many of you will resonate with this, but this is me opening my heart out.

I recently travelled back home after almost a year away the longest I've ever been away from home. During that time, my parents had moved into a new house.

We used to live in a three-room mabati house, and now they are in a house that was built for us by our community. So, honestly, whether it was a tent or anything else, I don't think I have any right to complain about its condition. I am genuinely grateful.

But while I was home, I visited a friend whose family had also moved into a newly built home. Their house was beautifully built the kind of house you'd expect to see in places like Karen or Kileleshwa. And this is in a rural town. I asked about it and was told that their older siblings had funded the construction (May God bless their source of wealth)

I don't know why, but that experience left me with a very heavy heart. It brought back that feeling you used to get when leaving home for high school—the feeling I thought I'd outgrown.

My mind has been consumed with thoughts of how I can make my parents' home better and give them a more comfortable life. One thing that has become painfully clear to me is that they don't have an unlimited amount of time with us.

And honestly, when I look at some of the decisions I've made over the past few years, they haven't exactly paved the brightest path for my future either.

I'm a fourth-year Urban Planning student, and as much as the marketability of the course is sometimes questioned, I haven't even submitted my final-year project for marking despite having had months to do so. I got an attachment opportunity, and this is now the third week since I haven't reported. At this point, I'm certain I won't be graduating this year.

I really hope this visit becomes a turning point for me.an eye opener that pushes me to change the direction I'm heading in.

The truth is, I don't have a clear plan right now. I don't know exactly how I'll get to where I want to be. But what I do know is that the desire to improve my parents' lives has become greater than most of my own personal ambitions in as much as time.is running out on them.

May Allah grant my parents long lives, good health, and the opportunity to witness and benefit from the fruits of their son's efforts.

This may just be a rant, but I'm also genuinely open to advice from anyone who has been in a similar position or has something meaningful to share.

Sometimes, all you need is someone who has walked the road before you to show you where to start.

So i 22 male am starting the trades soon I will have to leave my appartement with my roommate we will both be moving out different ways but the thing is im in debt for my student loan a 5k in credit card loan plus I have. A car a friend gave em for 3k and he is ok for me to oay him later but still its a debt now I have two choice either I go to an apartment that cost me 900 per month's 2 1/2 or I go back to my mom's house

She is toxic she will not listen to what I have to say she is someone that is hard to resonate with one thing come in the heart then out the other she berates me sinc ei was a child till this day she does she tries to hold her tongue from time to time but she can't hold it long she as a bad temperament she also would need heavy psychological follows cause my psychologue told me she add big issues with the way I was describing her to him

I will graduate in 6 months in my trade amd I will work at night during weeks to pay the bills ofc it would be easier to come back to my mom's house pay all thats tuff but really is it really worth it or will I lose my mind again cause befor when I was at my lowest my face became puffy with the stress my body was shutting down sleep had no hour to me I was in a limbo state and she woukd insult me to the max saying how she regretted having me and that I did nothing in the house or every time I would say that I wanted to study in something she woukd laught at me and tell me I ain't shit and I would not make it out

I try my best to forgive her but in the end for my finance is it something I can sacrifice the peace of my mental health or my pocket I know its a stupid thing to think about but I have dreams and I wish to make it out but I also know it takes time too but truly I am in mixed feelings I will soon go to my mom's hous to talk to her about it to see how she is and how will she treat me

African parents are not as ignorant and close minded as wed like to believe. They are able to change or learn

I can't be the only one, right? I know a lot of women who tend to have daddy issues actually seek out relationships to get the love they didn't get from their dad, but I feel like I'm the complete opposite. I am not interested in dating men, I DEFINITELY do not want any kids, and just, idk. I just hated seeing my mom being helpless. I know that we as women can work right now, but I can honestly not even think of anything a man can add to my life other than intercourse, maybe because my dad was a deadbeat?

Y'all idk, lemme know where u stand

So this is just loosely related to African parents but is mostly about parenting as an African.

I come from Botswana (unfortunately)... And here , if a man and a woman go separate ways, the woman by default keeps the kids..

Like who decided that this should be a thing..And why.. who told people that men don't want their kids? Because it looks someone did.. I looked around other communities and it seems like women own the kids but men should just support them.. and if by some luck, the man got the kids, the woman isn't expected to pay maintenance... If we want to progress as a society we need to scrap nonsense like this..

Another issue is the problem of bride Price.. why do African parents force it upon their kids ? Why can't it be the kids choice.. if as a girl you wanna marry your man without him having to take out a big loan to buy you and impress your parents why can't you be afforded that choice without shaming or your marriage not being recognized? Dowry isn't bad.. it's only bad when it's forced on someone..

Or the expectations that a real woman must give birth to kids.. I am a guy but I don't care about kids and if my partner and I decided not to have them it should not bother any parents of ours.. but it does.. And your family can end up fighting your wife because of this.. Why are we like that?

I’m an adult now and all the elders look and act like overgrown toddlers to me. Genuinely what’s wrong with them. It’s clear a lot suffer from arrested development. I hate having to watch or being subjected to the them in any given social setting. No volume control, really abrasive mannerism, extremely curt, unwilling, etc. I could really go on. I’m annoyed that you’re supposed to basically baby them and shield them from themselves (so they maintain their self-image). It’s exhausting. It’s to the point where I actively avoid them and I’m visibly annoyed when dealing with them. I can’t respect you if you need me to infantilize you as they love weaponizing incompetence so you feel at service to them. If you want to be infantilize, fine, but you don’t get my respect or authority. It’s moronic.

This is my first post on Reddit, and I just need to let this all out. I'm 18F and going into my senior year of high school. I'm from an immigrant family(Sudanese). My mom basically told me she wishes I was never been born because I wanted to do my own hair and have my own sense of style. This isn't her first time saying this. She has told me throughout my life that she wishes I were dead, useless, or a good-for-nothing. I remember when I was in fourth grade, my cousin got me raisin cranes. Raisin Cranes is good, but a little dry, so I wanted to save the rest for later. But my mom said no; I needed to finish it because I was too skinny, or else she'd beat my ass, and I tried to finish; however, I was eating too slowly. She said, "If you eat at other people's houses and eat too slow, what would they think?" She got really mad when I couldn't finish the food and wished I was dead. This has happened before when I was either 6 or 7. I wasn't eating my rice fast enough, and she threatened to beat my ass with a charger cord if I didn't eat fast enough. So I tried eating fast, but accidentally knocked over the bowl and made a mess. So she beat me with the charger cord for it and left marks for a few days. There are many more examples I could bring out, but it would be too long. Honestly, as I've gotten older, she stopped physically abusing me, but she just verbally abuses me. It hurts my heart so much. I feel guilty for feeling this way because, first of all, we are dirt poor, but she can provide things like, in 5th grade I wanted a ps4 and she got it for me. I feel guilty feeling this way about her because she provides things for me materially. Second of all, she is a single mother. Last of all, she is from an immigrant background and comes from a poor country. I feel guilty for hating her because I also still love her. But I just can't be around her. It's just hard to keep everything in. I was able to do this when I was younger. But as I've gotten older its so hard. People from my background or in similar situations say keep in until you go to college. But I think my mental fortitude is weak. I apologize for not letting her do my hair in a text, because I don't really mean it and would be hard for me to do it in person. She replied, "You really hurt me today; this isn't you. Don't do this again". I just "apologized" to keep the peace and for college(I'm not telling her I plan to go to college out of state until the day of my flight). You know what annoys me also. She used to say when I was younger that I always agreed with everything she said and should have a backbone, but when I got older she says I never listen to her like when I was young. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Another thing is my mom was scolding my cousin for "talking back to his mom" (He is in the same situation as me) and said "why can't you be more like _____? No matter the horrible stuff i say to her she keeps quiet". I feel like venting all this because I have zero friends("which is on me, I made horrible decisions). I'm so shy, so it's hard trying to make new ones, and also I feel I don't fit in with any communities. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read this. (Sorry about my grammar; I'm too lazy to proofread.)

She probably GENUINELY has ocd this is not a normal thing so im 15 m, i have a sister 12 almost 13 f, and she dosent let us shower she makes us have baths like toddlers, and then she tells us to bath a certain way, IM FUCKING 15 AND MY SISTER IS 13 i have pre lims in November to mid December. That’s absolutely disgraceful she treats us like children to be “clean.” (After having a bath like a baby) she tells us we should rub the soap all over us then wash it off, then scrub three times with a loofa, then put bath gloves on put soap and scrub then rinse then use a Towel to clean then to do our face she makes us do it once then she tells us to wash our heads three times and sometimes she makes herself wash me like im incapable even though im a normal human because i cant “bath myself properly.” ! And she over washes my head and its dry!! ITS RIDICULOUS and she wonders why its dry, and tiny little dusty like flakes. And She also sometimes brushes my sisters teeth because they get a TINY bit yellow as normal teeth are, and we obviously brush our teeth twice a day! Its weird as hell. I know nobody in my year groups parents drone on them like this!! Shes absolutely crazy. Why does she treat us like this is she just bored and has a disorder guys PLEASE HELP ME.

An alarming thought I’d call this one - rather than a rant

But Is it only my family (some of them) that just lied about what year what they were born in / the actual day of their bdays just to pass by immigration border control? I was already born in UK so I’m kinda happy I didn’t need to face that, but if you really think about it from a safety pov, the amount of people who lied is actually alarming

Even people who go by 1 name but have a different government name **and they let nobody know**

Especially when people celebrate their birthdays, and they don’t celebrate the bdays on their documents (which is understandable) but mate;

I get people wanted to flee (if that) to come to better circumstances in 🇬🇧🇺🇸🇨🇦(+)societies but imagine an accident happens where somsone is unconscious and you need to be taken the hospital … then what ? 💀

You can’t make this ish up you know

EDIT : This wasn’t a complaint if you read properly hence “an alarming thought”. But my thoughts is that this is something that needs to be spoken on more in the diaspora as this **CAN** Lead to severe issues for us kids

We all know how African parents can be with mental illnesses etc. I told my dad (59) that I have an autism assessment lined up this month, and I listed a few of my symptoms. I emphasised strongly that socialising is a huge, huge problem for me. Huge to the point of severe depression. I have no real friends. Not to mention the fact that I’ve been burnt out forever for a whole host of reasons and the guilt is eating me alive.

I told my stepmother about my plans to do the assessment a while ago and she just told me that she doesn’t see it in me. When I bring up my symptoms, she calls it nonsense. My dad actually listened! And he said he struggles socially as well - something I noticed myself. It just made me feel so… comforted. I didn’t even know my dad could do that.

I was crying as he kept on talking. Even if it turns out I don’t have it, I’m glad that we had the conversation in the first place.

Idk what the point of this post is, actually. Maybe just to show that Africans can understand mental health stuff if they lock in? Lmao

I’m wondering what is people’s thoughts on posting your bf/gf on social media? One thing I’ve noticed is that adult children of African parents typically don’t post their partners online until they’re engaged. I was thinking of doing this with my current relationship. I want to do this because with the last relationship (and only relationship I’ve ever posted because I promised I’m not posting a bf EVER again until I’m engaged) I posted on social media, I felt really embarrassed when I eventually took down the photos I had online of me and ex after we broke up.

Also I was so annoyed with people asking about him weeks or even months after the breakup. It sounds corny but I don’t want other people “in my business” trying to figure out how long we’ve been together, and also a breakup would be very obvious if there weren’t pictures of me with my partner on my page anymore if I did post. Also, people talk so they would be like “isn’t that X’s third bf in five years” or something like that. I don’t want people that I barely talk to having a front row seat to my dating life.

Another reason why I think people don’t post partners until engagement is because being engaged is seen as more secure or serious than bf/gf. Even in African culture bf/gf isn’t even recognised as a real relationship, especially if the parents are conservative (I know some African parents are open minded but I’m not talking about those ones right now). I would just like to see everyone’s thoughts on posting your partner on social media before engagement or marriage.

i finally moved out and to a different state than my parents (i live in the US). i have a job and smartly moved all of my money to a bank account they don't have access to. my parents don't really remember me unless i call them first, and since the begininning of 2026, ive been doing that less and less.

But...idk. I feel kinda guilty??? i was a very filial daughter despite what they may see it as. i would always buy my parents birthday gifts ($100+) and be there emotionally for them, and i think they took as the expectation. now that i have a therapist and a solid medication regime, as well as the distance, i feel peace. there's no one to yell at me, no one to criticize my body, no one to please. they never really got better as i got older, and as i was the child beaten the most out of my siblings i fear them in ways that are primal. like, i am VERY sensitive to dangerous emotions in others and will go out of my way to not anger people, which is often to my detriment- but anyways--

my mom called me, and then tried to follow me on linkedin??? mind you she has never been very interested in me as an adult outside of what i can do for her so i blocked her and then ignored her call, but now i feel bad. like, not bad enough to call her back (lol) but guilty? has anyone else dealt with those complicated feelings and knows what to do? i know this is def cptsd but like okay now what lol