r/africanparents

TLDR; my mom had an affair and I was the product of said affair. She says children like me will either be “good” or “evil”, and that she has seen me take the good luck and successes of my siblings.

Hi guys, I came here because I knew only you guys can understand… I’m in my late 20s. My mom (50s) and sister (also in her 20s) both live with me. I pay for everything. They help with nothing. My mom claims she can’t. My sister just graduated college and claims she cannot just yet… Anyways, I have a difficult relationship with my mom. Yesterday, while I was at work she texted me this: “(my formal name that no one ever uses) I really need to talk to you. It's was on my mind for long time so I need you to listen to me with respect please, so we can do this today”. I had a panic attack at work and began to cry because she always does this and uses these conversations to insult me and make me cry. When I got home she gave me the lecture. In the lecture she:
- said that because I was a product of an affair, I will either be good or evil, and I am taking the good luck and successes of all my other siblings (she was legally married and cheated on her husband. Now she never told me this until I was 19 years old so I grew up believing that man was my father. And he never knew either and thought I was his daughter.)

- I have a spiritual bond with her because I am the product of an affair and we are “one” and I have broken this bond by being disrespectful and talking back. And that affair children need to be bonded with their mothers. This sounds like a sick tactic to keep me emotionally enmeshed with her and well behaved out of fear of this “magical bond”.

- I think I know everything and I am above others and higher than them

- if she asked anyone they would say I am the sweetest person, but I am evil to her. Mind you, she lives with me for FREE after my older brother had her move out. My mom’s husband divorced (my siblings biological dad and the man I thought was my dad) her and she had no where to go or way to support herself. We lived with my brother for 3 years then I got a place and allowed my mom and sister to live with me.

- she said she never abused me and did the best that she knew with her knowledge. Mind you, this woman lied to me for 19 years about my father. By the time she confessed (only because of the divorce and because she wanted me to turn on her ex husband), my biological father was at the end of his life. She never cared about the truth and would’ve kept it up forever. She never apologized either. She claimed she lied because my biological father would’ve “taken” me to raise me in Africa from the USA (he literally wasn’t an American citizen and had no access to me so that isn’t true. Also, he heavily valued parent-child relationships so he would NEVER separate a child from their mother. Plus, he didn’t know my mom was married). Then she was an alcoholic for 4 years after the divorce and verbally abusive during that time. She left us several times throughout childhood to be with her affair partners on trips/vacations.

- she said I blame her for everything and will turn everything I say around and back on her

Everything she said feels like a manipulation tactic because I am planning to move alone and she doesn’t like me standing up for myself. However, being African , I was raised hearing about this spiritual stuff so I am naturally anxious about what she said. However, I realize that if the majority of this spiritual stuff was true, she wouldn’t be living in poverty or have so many failed relationships. Her fortune tellers have predicted things for her that have come true, but a lot of things (like wealth and marriage/love) has not, so I have doubt in my mind.

I don’t know guys, I just wanted to tell someone. I’m just tired of this, why couldn’t I have a normal mom 🙁 one that isn’t toxic and is caring and protective and HONEST. Thank you for reading if you got this far.

I think religion is cancer in a lot of African countries I think that’s what’s keeping our mentality poor while pastors get richer and wealthier from peoples problems and trauma.im not atheist deep down I believe in god it’s kinda hard too explain if I get married I don’t want to get married to a hardcore Christian I just can’t.

I think this has been posted before, but again, is anybody’s parents absolutely blinded by whatever cult this is? This is all my parents watch they don’t even think of anything else, it’s pushed me to the verge of desperately attempting to escape my home. My mom eats sleeps and breathes this “ministry”. Any tips if you have any?

Got me thinking

Years ago, YEARS AGOO, an auntie (on my dad’s side) got mad when i said someone on my dad’s side is my half sibling (sozzz 😂)

But legally, the uk government would see me as an only child tho ????? (Between my mum Nd dad i am actually the only child and I grew up as an only child so ehh)

(I got 2 half siblings on my mum’s side and …. Idk for my dad’s side man - numbers too big over there 😂)

But why do they get so mad - like “half” doesn’t mean nothing badd 😭 … does it ? (I genuinely thought it indicated you only share *one* parent)

But why does it agitate em so bad - does anyone know ? 😂

Do you also say “half siblings” ?

I need answerssss

Ever since I was young, whenever my eldest sister would bolt and hide in our room when our Dad came home, I didn't understand. Now, as I grow older I'm doing the same thing.

To make a long story short, my father has been every type of abusive except physical and has put my mother and sister through so much, as well as cheats on my mom as she pretends not to know about it. Because I am the youngest and apparently the most compliant I have suffered, but more in extension to their suffering so not much. He is a narcissist and he doesn't even realize it, and we as his daughters are tired of keeping up this sham of a family.

I'm in university now, and the only thing I'm interested in him for now is his money. I cannot stand being in a room with him for longer than an hour. When his car enters the driveway I run and hide all evidence of me being present in the living spaces, and my mother gives me this annoyed but understanding look; like if she had the option, she'd run too. He knows next to nothing about me besides my academics, and things he knows I liked from when I was a little girl. He doesn't know the current me since he was too busy going abroad to write his exams and pretend like he didn't have a family at home waiting for him.

A part of me yearns to know the father I have properly, because I can tell he seems sad whenever he gets home to an empty living room and a quiet house where the occupants hold their breath around his presence. But again, I don't care. He's shown me time and again that he never really loved my mother or this family to begin with, and is only trying to buddy up with me because I tolerate him and he thinks it's a chance to get closer to me.

So I will keep running. I will keep hiding my true self from my father, because he has not earned it. He has never put in much work to earn it, and I doubt he ever will. I hope he doesn't realise that he was the problem all along in his final moments, because that is a regret so deep that I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I will keep running, because he has not shown me a world where I can ever feel free and authentic around him.

I do not hate my father, but if reincarnation is real I would choose to not be his daughter. All I feel for him is mild respect and filial obligation, and that is it. I just needed to get this off my chest.

yes this is a rant, im so damn tired. Why is it that these narcissistic fucks are so obsessed with deciding out jobs for us as if we're not human beings with different preferences and opinions than them. And it's mostly the dads doing this too. If you're so fucking hellbent on doctors and lawyers then why aren't you one yourself? and every time you tell them that you want a degree in something that they never talked about they fucking explode. My life is just starting for me and I have a lot of ideas on what I want to pursue but they always feel like they have every right to control which school I go to, what jobs I apply for, etc. and it's pisisng me off. Like literally every day i'm trying not to kill myself in this house and they're making it more difficult. Every. single. time they yell at me I always envision myself just dropping dead on the floor as a way to finally escape all the torture and frustration they put me through all the years of my life. I'm sick, I'm tired, and I'm done. If reincarnation is true then I swear to god almighty I will kill myself if I'm ever born into an african family AGAIN.

African parents are the worst f*cking parents on the f*cking planet. They make me SICK. African parents are the most narcissistic toxic controlling possessive tyrannical disgusting evil psychopathic pieces of SHIT on the f*cking planet. They can go F*CK themselves. & if you get offended, I’M F*CKING TALKING TO YOU & F*CK YOU. F*CK these losers. SHIT African parents, stop F*CKING REPRODUCING! I’m TIRED & absolutely FATIGUED of you lot.

Words can’t express how munch I hate this family all my parents do is pin my siblings against each other so today I was a sleep my phone was off my brother who’s 26 acts like a freshman in highschool hasn’t moved out before he’s such a teacher pets to my parents he doesn’t have a family of his sometimes I feel like I’m older than he’s not mature he has anger issues you can be having a normal conversation and you wouldn’t know what you said that pissed him off.but today mom was out I was sleep my brother knocked on the door I was asleep he was screaming my name for so long he assumed I was in the bathroom one thing with my brother you can try to wake him up he doesn’t get he gets cranky and stuff. He started yelling at me to give the money I’m confused because in Nigeria we have someone called aboki which is the shoemaker he was already done with the shoe he was in a hurry to pick up my little brother my mom called I was very overwhelmed my mom cussing me out calling me stupid threatening me saying u think u smart im wtf are u talking I said in my head. Today was supposed to be my Graduation but I’ve moved 2 months ago to Nigeria because my parents are tired of the west but my I had no choice to leave with them my older sister is their but she’s kinda bipolar in the head but when my mom came back from the market and gave me something that felt 3hr lecture how I should respect my brother that I’m ungrateful I cookclean in this house I wake up and serve my dad food he told me some bullshit like this isn’t America we don’t do feminism here that a women should cook and clean and serves her husband my mom is a pick me I don’t feel bad for women like her that’s too dependent on my dad that’s why she doesn’t know how to read if you guys don’t understand my styling I’m sorry I’m just really frusted right now my brother is an angel he does no wrong im just crushed I don’t even talk back the only time I do is when I’m right it’s usually my brother some times i wish I died or born in another family in Nigeria women are treated like shit sexual harassment happens all the time here and people brush off like it’s a joke. My dads mom was a single mother in a marriage his dad was fucking other women btw but we won’t go their he done a bunch of things that pissed me off . My dad did something that pissed me off early march is when he humiliated me in frount of the guess so one day I was abiut to take a bath my screams as should my name I run half way to the kitchen he told cook for me and the guess so he was rushing me the only thing is i regret not going to the market with my mom and sister one thing I notice with my parents they love humiliating my sibling and I in frount of guess so I’m making and reheating the soup I greet the man he gave me a dirty look I said good evening to him he glared at me I’m assuming he thought I was a house help but my dad brought that incident he switch up the word and Said SLAVE he said he would would whoop me and kill me .

In both the US and Europe, I hear Black American and other non-African women rant about how traditional African men are awful romantic partners - controlling, domineering, wanting women to be their maids.

It’s a complicated feeling - I stand by African men, and I hate the xenophobia being pointed at them. African men are not the originators of patriarchy. And as a woman who was recently assaulted and stalked by a white man who used his power to turn other people against me, I KNOW that African men are not the most capable of domestic violence and manipulation.

At the same time, there are many (not ALL!) African men who don’t unlearn the toxic shit they experienced at home. Some of these men saw their fathers, uncles, and cousins abuse women and then grow up to be the same kind of people. And I get it - they’re traumatized. They needed kindness, empathy, and love but they were beat down and molded into the type of men that their community wanted them to be. But shit, we African women are traumatized too! We lived in the same violent homes; we saw the same terrifying things. And we take the brunt of their violence the hardest.

Idk what to make of any of this. How do you other ladies manage this?

For context, I was raised abroad since I was a toddler. My parents will literally wait til I fuck up and do things a different way before informing me that this is how xyz is done in our culture. Mind you they didn’t take me to visit home growing up and get more culturally exposed. I actually didn’t step foot back to my homeland til I was in my early 20s. Yet these parents of mine expect me to think and act like I was raised in the very homeland they left when I was young. And they’ll sometimes guilt me for not already knowing.

I literally have to mess up from being cultural ignorance first (in no fault of my own) before they then “correct me” and inform me the way it’s done in our culture that I should have already known years ago. It’s so annoying. And when I ask them why I have to get in trouble first before they teach me, it’s “well we can’t teach you everything.” So knowing that “you can’t teach me everything” it woulda been best to had been taking me home during summer vacation from school in my K-12 days with whichever parent was traveling back home especially when my parents took turns traveling nearly every year around that same time school isn’t in session. But they were too selfish to save for it or even think about that, now I’m paying the price of missing that in my life and having parents that prefer to be reactive than proactive.

Hi everyone,

I'm still in university, so this post is a little premature, but I wanted to ask about how people move out post-uni?

I save and have big plans for my future (inc. grad school), but the financial state of the world means it always seems better to live at home to save money. My main concern is to what end? First job? I live in a pretty run-down area with very conservative religious parents who force me to go to church, and I already anticipate that living there post-grad will require church attendance weekly as well (despite no rent) and a lack of social freedom. I ask here because the people of this sub understand my context more than other general financial subs, who typically advise staying at home if you have the means to.

I've always been a big planner and pretty frugal so I ask whether it is better to save to anticipate moving out, to be more in the city with more independence, or focus on just keeping my head down there until I can buy this ''house'' that every young person seems to be saving for.

TLDR - Do I plan to remain independent post-university or stay in my parents' home to save money? What would/have you done? Do you plan to stay until you can afford your dream home, or do you plan to move out by a certain deadline? Any advice would be useful!

They really come to a westernized culture (🇬🇧🇺🇸🇨🇦+) from Africa - FAIL TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW SURROUNDING CULTURE / how things are done / the way of the westernized world

Like baby this isn’t Africa 2.0 😭😭😭

Then when some african kids are called clueless in primary school / elementary school / kindergarten or our westernized counterparts look at us funmy cause we dk the culture of the country we’re living in … it’s really on our parents ya know

But get this

Wdym 10,15,20 years later and there’s a handful that still don’t understand ??? **I PERSONALLY KNOW SOME FRANCOPHONE AUNTIES WHO DONT SPEAK A LICK OF ENGLISH AFTER LIVING HERE 20+ YEARS** couldn’t even tell you “hello” ???

There’s really a good amount of people who set their kids up for failure by being like this

African Parents are … arghhhh

The end

I’m 22F, just graduated college, and I really want to go to a concert in June, but my parents are extremely strict and I genuinely don’t know if I should just let it go or finally do something for myself.

For context, I’m not really allowed to go anywhere. During college, my friends would travel, go out, club, etc., and I mostly stayed home because of curfews/rules. I still live at home, don’t currently have my own car, and I’m semi-financially dependent, which is part of why I’m scared to push back.

The concert is important to me because it’s an Ariana Grande concert, and with everything going on, it genuinely feels like this could be one of the last opportunities to see her perform for a long time. I know that sounds dramatic, but I think I’d really regret missing it.

The issue is that my mom will be out of town, and originally the plan was for her to drive me. Now I’d have to figure something else out, and I know my parents would probably be very against it for “safety reasons.” I understand safety concerns, but at the same time… I’m 22.

I’ll also admit I’ve made mistakes in the past, so I understand why trust may have been damaged. But I feel like I’ve spent years trying to rebuild trust, being responsible, staying home, following rules, etc., and nothing changes. It feels like no matter what I do, I’m still treated the same.

Part of me feels guilty for even considering going because I’m terrified of consequences/conflict. Another part of me feels sad that I’m an adult asking strangers online whether it’s okay to go to a concert.

Am I being immature/selfish for wanting to go anyway? Or is this something I should finally do for myself?

was able to wake up this morning without his loud talking on the phone or berating my little brother about how late he’s going to be to school. I’m able to make breakfast without being questioned on what i’m eating or told what i should do that day. I walk around the house and it’s quiet and peaceful. ☺️

it was so weird how he left too. I was heading out the house to hang with friends. He sees me leave and immediately follows me to the car as he does and questions where i’m going and why. Then he said it.

“I’m leaving to Nigeria tomorrow”

Like huh, why are you telling me the day before you leave??? But at that point i was so over talking and was lowkey running late so I said okay and left. still have no clue why he dipped but shiiii stay as long as you need.

This is kind of just a long rant because I am so frustrated with my parents in general right now. I also need advice but you don’t really have to read past the 2nd paragraph for what I need advice for. You can just read the first 2 paragraphs after this then skip to the bottom.

I just finished my sophomore year of college and it was the worst academic year of my life. I failed 2 classes and withdrew from 1 and one of the classes I failed was a pre-requisite that is only offered in the fall which put me back an entire year for graduation. I came back home this summer and when my parents saw I failed another class then hid my laptop from me so I can’t do anything productive at all. They want me to talk to talk to them about why I failed and withdrew from a class this semester and “apologize for my wicked behavior” but I know that they won’t understand because it wasn’t a physical issue it was more of a mental one. I’m not diagnosed with anything which makes it harder for me to really explain to them what went wrong this year and tbh I can’t fully explain it either because I have no idea why my mental state was so poor and why I was suffering from extreme executive dysfunction. I think there’s a chance that I have ADHD because my older brother has ADHD and I know that in a lot of cases siblings will have ADHD if at least one of them has it. I also know that ADHD in girls is very undiagnosed because it presents differently.

They’re talking about keeping me home because I’m “such a bad investment” when it comes to my education. My dad pays my tuition and I am very grateful for that because I won’t be in such massive debt when I finish school but it always annoys me how they hold this over my head but there is no real support if I struggle and then they get mad that I’m not asking them for help. If I were to ask my dad to help me in math or chemistry or something like that he is so insanely impatient that by the end I regret asking him for help at all. There’s no guidance in his “help,” just yelling, insults, and belittlement for not already knowing and understanding what he thinks I should know and understand. My dad is a petroleum engineer so he feels like everything I ask for help with I should already know/not need help with because he knows these things already and remembers them from when he first learned them decades ago.

And again as grateful as I am that I am not paying my own tuition I hate that it’s something being held over my head. They say “other kids had to work in high school and take out their own loans to pay for school” but that was never a choice they gave me or my brothers. When I asked them if I could get a job in high school they said no because I shouldn’t just focus on school and that working would be a distraction. I remember when my dad made my older brother get a job the summer before it was either his junior or senior year of high school and then my parents made him quit before the school year started because they didn’t want him to work. And I hate when they bring up about how expensive my tuition is because I wanted to apply to public in-state universities so that way tuition would be cheaper, but again it was “don’t worry about that because you’re not paying” but now that I’m going to a far away out-of-state private university you want to complain about high tuition and travel costs? I just feel like considering they didn’t plan for any other possible way for college to be paid for and didn’t allow me to apply to public in-state schools they shouldn’t act like paying my tuition is some big favor and that I shouldn’t be grateful they let me go to the school I go to. I honestly never know how to explain this part to people because I feel like this specific issue makes me sound spoiled and ungrateful.nI feel like my parents view the entire parent-child relationship as something transactional. They do something for me, I do something for them. It’s not them doing things just because they love their children.

African parents are so hard to talk to about this stuff because they never understand. They believe that since you were raised in the U.S. or whatever western country they moved to that you have no struggles in life since they provided you with food, water, shelter, clothes, and an education. It’s why they always keep comparing us to their friend’s children who were born and raised in their home country. My parents always tell me “___ is from Nigeria and doing better than you!” as if me and this other child are living the exact same life. My mom’s cousin’s son goes to my school and he’s in my year but he’s a mechatronics engineering technology major and I am a chemical engineering major. My mom likes to talk about how he made the Dean’s List and why can’t I do that but I looked at his curriculum and a good amount of the classes he takes are just the easier version of what I take. For example I’m required to take University Physics I and II, he takes College Physics I and II, I have to take Calculus I and II, he takes Calculus A and B. If I was taking Calculus A and B as a chemE major at my school that would mean that I failed the math placement exam I had to take the summer before my freshman year. They compare me with this boy because we’re in the same year at the same school but they don’t acknowledge that we are taking completely different classes. I remember when I was a junior in high school and I took the SAT and got a 1230 the compared me to another one of their friend’s daughter from Nigeria who got a higher score than me. They asked “is she better than you?” and got mad when I said yes. What other possible outcome could you think would happen in this situation? Then they’ll start to say I have low self confidence or something as if they’re not the reason for that.

I also wouldn’t even say that I have low self confidence or anything at all. When I’m at school I’m very social and confident in myself. The real issue is that my parents don’t really know me at all they just think they do. To this day they still believe that I don’t even really have friends because when I was in high school I wasn’t going out with people all the time (as if they’d even let me because the few time I asked they always said no!) or inviting people over to the house (what would even do just sit there? My house was boring). If you were to ask my friends to describe me they’d say things like “she’s social, funny, great to hang out with, etc” but if you ask my parents I’m quiet, shy, keep to myself, and don’t have friends.

I hate that when we argue about anything it’s always what they say goes. I hate that when I try to defend myself in anyway I’m told to shut up or that what I’m saying is irrelevant. I hate those stupid rhetorical but also not rhetorical questions African parents ask when they’re yelling at you. They’ll ask a question and when you try to answer it’s shut up. But then they’ll ask another one and ask why you’re just staring at them and ask you to answer. Do you want me to speak or not? I’m not an X-man, I can’t read minds!

I think they way they’ve been treating me all year for failing just the one class plus they way they’ve treated me so far this summer ever since they saw the results of my spring semester is the straw that broke the camels back for real. The past few days made me realize that I can’t wait for the day I move out of the house. At my school it’s mandatory for me to do a co-op fall of my third year but I’m allowed to start in the summer and once I retake those classes I need to this upcoming school year, I’ll be able to do a 2027 summer/fall co-op which would mean not going home and I genuinely can’t wait. It would mean that from that point on I only have to see my parents during winter break since I’ll most likely be working all those summers and it’ll be easier for me to move out once I graduate because most of the co-ops lead to full time employment. I was talking to a friend the other day I told her that I used to not understand why people were so desperate to move out of their parents house as they got older but I understand it now.

I think that my parents and many other African parents just don’t understand that everyone has a different situation and different struggles in life. And I’m sick and tired of trying to get them to understand.

TLDR; I’m insanely frustrated with my Nigerian parents and can’t wait to be financially independent and move out of the house.

I have about 3ish hours until my dad comes back from work so if anyone has any idea of what I can say to them to make the conversation of why I failed my classes and why I should be allowed to go back to school in the fall easier that’d be great

I'm so tired right now and I will not give context to the reasons of our issues. I'm a young female. I pretended to fall down after she beat me and she and the rest of the family just passed by my supposedly unconscious self like nothing (I mean idk it wasn't like the real thing obviously I can't replicate going mute or fainting perfectly but still I was in a shitty situation to be in and they do not care). If you watched aot, it was similar to the moment ymir fritz fell from the spear and fritz still told her to get up. My mom did just that, after I woke up I pretended to go mute and everyone believed me I guess. They thought it was not permanent and kept talking about how it was all my fault. I gave her a paper saying I could not speak and she looked at me in disgust. Later I was crying and sobbing and begging her to treat me like a human being. Went as far as squeezing my hands to my throat while looking at her and choking. Still, nothing. Called her ex husband aka my dad crying about how she does everything for us and I am ungrateful and disobedient. I won't lie, I threatened her with some heavy shit that I would do to her which I was not obviously not going to, and I said that cuz she pushed me to the edge. I would scream and shriek and my neurodivergant brother would panic and she would yell at him and my other brother to "Don't expect me to fear this animal. DONT BE SCARED OF HER!" While terrorizing me and beating me. Does my mother even love me? I know she's not a narcissist, but she's so traumatized and messed up in the head.

For more context. I'm told by people that my reactions are always overboard. I guess it is because of what I'm feeling and that don't think before I speak. Probably some personality disorder as well. So the reason they did not care is that I usually react strongly to things and I have been for as long as the abuse has been happening.

So y’all… I really got myself caught up.

For context, I’m 22 and still living at home because we recently moved and I’m trying to get stable. My dad ended up finding substances in my room, and honestly that part is on me. I was rushing to work, didn’t hide things properly, and told myself, “He won’t come in here today.” Of course, he came in to fix my curtain and saw everything.

He found old empty bottles, some 🍃 from forever ago, and some shroom bars and gummies I got for my birthday. I don’t even do that stuff often, and I had already stopped smoking. But once he found it, he took my phone, my car, and basically put me on house arrest. It’s been a month and I still can’t go anywhere.

We moved recently, so I don’t have many friends here, and now I can’t even see the one friend I do have.

I also recently met a guy and things are going well, he still wants to get to know me but he said the one bad thing is that I can’t go out and he can’t see me whenever but the situation is complicated because I can’t go out at all. When I finally am allowed out again, my parents are going to be checking my location constantly because they don’t trust me anymore. I’m not trying to sneak off to buy anything. I’m literally just trying to see someone I like, but I feel like I’m going to be monitored like a teenager.

My parents are only letting me go out with one girl they approve of, an African girl they like, because they see her as a “safe” friend. She seems cool, but it’s frustrating that they’re trying to pick my friends for me. I thought I was finally getting some freedom back, but my dad told me we’re taking things step by step.

I still have at least two more years living with them, and I’m scared I’m going to waste my 20s stuck in the house over one mistake. I just got my curfew extended to 11, but I’m still mad at myself. I want to believe everything happens for a reason, but this whole situation feels awful.

Has anyone else dealt with being basically on house arrest after their parents found something? How did you handle it?

WHAT WOULD YALL DO HOW CAN I POSSIBLY GAIN FREEDOM AGAIN