u/BabyResident5921

I’m wondering what is people’s thoughts on posting your bf/gf on social media? One thing I’ve noticed is that adult children of African parents typically don’t post their partners online until they’re engaged. I was thinking of doing this with my current relationship. I want to do this because with the last relationship (and only relationship I’ve ever posted because I promised I’m not posting a bf EVER again until I’m engaged) I posted on social media, I felt really embarrassed when I eventually took down the photos I had online of me and ex after we broke up.

Also I was so annoyed with people asking about him weeks or even months after the breakup. It sounds corny but I don’t want other people “in my business” trying to figure out how long we’ve been together, and also a breakup would be very obvious if there weren’t pictures of me with my partner on my page anymore if I did post. Also, people talk so they would be like “isn’t that X’s third bf in five years” or something like that. I don’t want people that I barely talk to having a front row seat to my dating life.

Another reason why I think people don’t post partners until engagement is because being engaged is seen as more secure or serious than bf/gf. Even in African culture bf/gf isn’t even recognised as a real relationship, especially if the parents are conservative (I know some African parents are open minded but I’m not talking about those ones right now). I would just like to see everyone’s thoughts on posting your partner on social media before engagement or marriage.

So there’s another subreddit on here that is SUPPOSED to support females of the Black race and well.. it’s terrible. Some advice is helpful. But some advice given on there is clearly by male centred women who lack critical thinking skills. A lot of the women on there are male centred and you would think on a subreddit that’s supposed to SUPPORT Black women that would be the case but nope. OH and they also LOVE to victim blame and act like they’re “better than the program” and they think they’re winning because they’re male centred women in relationships or marriage 😑

I find it very funny how my family knows I have a big holiday next week that I’ve been talking about (and saving and planning) for MONTHS but my mum is trying to guilt trip me into sending her money I said hell no. Like when was the last time she even sent me money or got me a gift?? Not only that, I have a credit union I’m putting money into and saving up for a car. I’ve decided from now on, I’m not borrowing ANYONE money ever, because I never know if or when I’ll get it back and it’s not like I can even ask them to borrow money anyways 🙄 they need to learn that I HAVE MY OWN RESPONSIBILITIES TOO and MY INCOME ISN’T THEIR EMERGENCY FUND. It’s like every time I have a goal to achieve they always have to come and try ruin it by asking for money. So now I’m going to be selfish because I know they wouldn’t be able to help me if roles were reversed. Yes I’m selfish and I don’t care if me saving money for MY future makes me selfish but oh well.

I hate the man that helped my mum create me because of some news I just recently found out. I learned today that him and his bird brained wife are having a baby. Mind you, my youngest sibling just turned 18 (because I will never claim the creature that my sperm donor and his new wife are having as my sibling because they’re NOT. If my mom didn’t give birth to them then that is absolutely NOT MY SIBLING). Sperm donor and his wife are in their 50s, and my older siblings already started having kids so idk why my idiot of a sperm donor thought having another kid was a good idea. He’s such an idiot I hate him so much and when he dies his stupid child better not come looking for me. I will never ever talk to sperm donor again. I’ve already been no contact with him for a few months now and it’s so peaceful. I even vented to my bf and bestie about this and they were also like what is the thought process of having kids in your 50s when you already have ADULT children that you were a shitty parent to?? I swear that man doesn’t think at all. He will never know my future children and he most certainly won’t be involved in my wedding when I get married (when he tried “bonding” with me he made a big deal that he wanted to know who I’m dating but it was all just an insidious way for him to make sure he gets bride price from my future husband’s family because he’s an opportunist not because he actually cares about my life) and I will DEFINITELY be changing my last name so I won’t be tied to this disgrace of a man anymore.

The last time I was in therapy I was 21 and it was during the last few months of my former toxic long term relationship. I’m now in a new relationship and I’m realising that some trauma I have from previous relationships and my childhood are being highlighted in this one.

I feel my trauma has skewed how I’m approaching my current relationship. For example, if my bf goes a while without texting or calling me I panic thinking that he’s drifting away and wants to break up with me because that’s a tactic my previous exes used when they were tired of the relationship. I’ve been so tainted that I struggle with giving bf the benefit of the doubt sometimes and I need to remind myself he’s not my exes. He has been really patient and he actually likes to sit down and communicate things with me. I also don’t want to go to therapy because that would feel like I’m saying that my exes and my sperm donor did leave a negative effect on me and it’s like saying that they “won” in breaking me.

My last 2 breakups (over 2 years ago now) were blindside breakups where they broke up with me (I’m a woman). I’m just wondering why do men do this? Like why do they sell you a dream in the beginning, and then one day they just dump you out of nowhere? What is the thought process??? It happened over 2 years ago but I’m still annoyed about it.

So basically I met up with one of my friends the other day and she told me that she also has a shitty Nigerian dad. It doesn’t even shock me anymore the amount of young Nigerian women my age who have shitty dads.

I’ve never met a fellow Nigerian woman who has only good things to say about their dad. Their thinking is so backwards, and mine particularly set me up for failure in so many ways. Was never present emotionally, never helped me with learning how to drive despite the fact he would open up his stupid mouth to tell me I need to learn how to drive, even though he wasn’t contributing towards it financially AT ALL. I’m learning to drive now and paying for it all by myself.

Even when it comes to dating and red flags in men. I had to be burned multiple times and I also faced karma for what he did to other women when he was young. My mum could only give me so much advice, the rest I had to learn through experience. If he was actually present in my life and warned me of what red flags to look out for I wouldn’t have so much baggage.

He’s the reason why I hate men. I learned early on that men are selfish and only care about themselves and that men don’t like good women. I would also NEVER be in a relationship with or marry a Nigerian man for that same reason.

I feel like subconsciously even though I know marriage isn’t an achievement, I put it on a pedestal in my head. I think it’s because it’s like the highest level of commitment to someone and it’s legally recognised unlike boyfriend girlfriend lol. Also the thing with bf/gf relationships is that it’s easy for the guy to just wake up and walk away one day but marriage shows you’re actually committed to someone. I also feel like it’s because of my previous relationships ending I don’t think I’ll ever truly believe anything a man tells me until I get married if that actually happens lol. I know marriage isn’t everything but I think trauma from previous relationships makes me feel like I need marriage to feel secure in a relationship. I also feel like I need to accept that it might not happen for me because men love to say you’re wifey material knowing damn well they won’t make you their wife. Like how do I move on through life not expecting marriage to happen, especially when in a relationship? I think this also stems from the fact I’m of African descent as well, where marriage is put on a pedestal.

I just realised today I don’t feel comfortable talking to my mom about my relationship. I don’t know if it’s because she wasn’t supportive of previous relationships but my mom actually likes the guy I’m with now but idk it just feels weird to me. I’m mid twenties and I think it’s sad that I don’t feel confident enough to tell her stuff. It’s not even that it’s a bad relationship or like I’m being abused but does anyone else feel this way? I think I’m scared of being judged.