r/blackgirls

I work in a retirement home. However, this was not a resident lmao. I think she was an employee.

Anyway, I work as a cook. I was going to get me something to drink from the pop machine, and the lady passes me like:

"Excuse me? Sir?"

I turn around like 😳😳

She said:

"Oh ma'am, I'm sorry!"

This has never happened to me before. Mind you, my hair is in twists and I have a headwrap on. I never thought i looked masculine. Never been mistaken for a man before. However, I'm aware this happens to a lot of black women (Michelle Obama, for example). The lady was black, too. Ik she didn't mean anything by it, but I'm just shocked. 😭😭💀 idk how to feel.

For context: I am a female who is half black and Pakistani . My boyfriend is a 19 year old male who is white. We’ve been together for only 3 months. We are in a long distance relationship. I live in the city and he lives upstate.

In the beginning of our relationship I felt like I had to educate him on some of the jokes he would make. I told him what’s actually funny and borderline racism. He’s apologized for them and since then hasn’t made any weird jokes or remarks since then.

On top of educating him on the weirdness of his jokes, I’ve also had to educate him on why he shouldn’t say the N-word. Prior to dating me he said that he would use it when playing video games, and that his friends (black, white, and mexican) all say it together. I’m not at all defending him, I guess he was trying to convey that the N-word where he lives is so normalized, he didn’t see how it was offensive when black people closest to him normalized it so much for everyone to say. They didn’t get angry when non black people said it, if anything they encouraged it because they didn’t find offense to it. In that town the N-word is still viewed as a friend. I feel like because it was so normalized to him, I didn’t feel weirded out or angered to educate him on something most people would understand to not say.

I told him how I saw the word, how it has affected me (I would be called the N-word with the hard r from my Pakistani side of the family), and why he has no right to say it. When telling him this, he didn’t try to defend himself from saying the word, he listened and apologized. He promised me that he would never use the word after our conversation.

He’s also promised to me that he’ll never become like his father.

Additional Context: his dad is a white maga loving man who is really racist. My bf hates his dad and is always telling me how he’d rather kill himself than to be miserable and uneducated like him.

Now for the part where he breaks the promise and randomly said it last week Tuesday. We were on call as we do almost every night. Honestly I’m not too sure on what the context was. This was a side conversation between him and his sister that happened on the call. I was doing my nails so in all honesty I wasn’t paying attention to their conversation. I guess he was getting something to eat from his kitchen and all I hear is “Hold up bitch, (something else between that I don’t remember) Nigga hold on!”. I heard that and my heart sank. Immediately when he said it he went to his room to apologize to me but that made no difference. I told him I wanted to break up and that there was no reason for him to call his sister that. It was a personal choice that he chose and I was angered at how stupid and ignorant he was for saying it.

I was yelling, cursing and everything. I will admit I wasn’t the nicest but I do think it’s very justified. He never tried to defend himself against what he did but in a way he kept on saying that it was an honest mistake and that he doesn’t use the word at all. He was begging me to go through his messages to prove that he doesn’t say the N-word anymore. From my perspective I honestly couldn’t care less that he doesn’t say it anymore because that shouldn’t have been a problem. But then I compare our upbringings and feel conflicted about how I’m going about this.

I grew up in city where it was really normalized for non black people to say the N-word. Yet I have non black friends from there who don’t say it because they are educated from us (black friends), social media and sometimes their parents. He grew up upstate. There wasn’t a lot of diversity in his town compared to what I’m used to I’m the city, his dad is a racist bigot, and black people in his life enabled him to say the n word. I look back and I understand that he’s not a baby and even if they enabled it, it’s still a choice to say it. I’m more so conflicted on if I should give him another chance after I’ve seen growth from him being educated on the word.

I’m still hurt about him saying the N-word and honestly breaking up with him seems the most appropriate thing to do. However, prior to him saying the N-word, I do think he’s changing not just for me but for himself. He’s educated himself on black history, Pakistani history, and has shown interest to both of my cultures in a way that’s endearing. I understand that it was never my job to educate or change him regarding his views on the N-word or the weird racial jokes. However, I do feel as if he’s grown from saying those things after listening to me. It’s only been 3 months but I do trust that he’s putting in effort to educate himself more since this isn’t an ongoing problem in our relationship.

So do I look over him saying the n word once after I told him how it’s affected me? Or do I just end things to save myself from this situation again?

I was born and raised in Atlanta GA, So I grew up thinking we (black people) are the majority. Well I’ve started traveling and although I’ve been places where there have been a few of us, this is the first time I’m the ONLY one. I’m in freaking Budapest and I’m the only speck of pepper in the land of salt!! I’m not used to being *this* isolated. Any tips for a girl and how to maneuver?

y’all i need some advice. i’ve been dating this guy since march. im 27 and he’s 32. he is by far the most amazing person i’ve ever met and nearly everything i’ve ever wanted in a partner - attractive, super intelligent, a gentleman, selfless, etc. the list goes on. he’s been the first guy who i’ve actually wondered could possibly be my future husband. i will say there are a few things that i am unsure about, but they are things we have to work through over time (e.g. i’m not sure if i want kids but he really does, a few religious belief differences, etc).

however, a few days ago, he told me he has herpes (hsv 1), and he had it since he was a child. i didn’t know ANYTHING about the virus when he first told me, so i got worried. i don’t have it and no one in my family does, but now i’m worried i will end up getting it and spreading it to my family.

i know the virus is extremely common, but i’m just shaken by the fact that once you catch it, it’s on your std tests for life. and i think about the stigma around herpes. i think about catching it, spreading it to my siblings, and then them possibly getting rejected from relationships due to having to disclose that they have herpes.

i wouldn’t end my relationship over just this, but this makes me wonder if my boyfriend and i should really speed up the talks about the things we need to work through so i can know if this relationship is really going to work long term (in that case, i wouldn’t worry so much about the virus).

for the people who don’t have hsv 1, what would y’all do given that this relationship is still very early?

edit: he told me he had this weeks ago during our std talk, but he said it was genetic because that’s what his family and his doctor told him. i didn’t know much about it, so i didn’t worry especially since he said it was genetic (my fault for not looking it up then). he now has a cold sore, and yesterday is when we had a more thorough conversation about it which caused me to realize it actually isn’t genetic and is contagious. i had no idea before

Okkk guys hear me out. My boyfriend (22) is going on a trip to Asia with his family and days before the trip he asked for us to take a break to work out his issues in the moment I understood but the more I was talking to others (especially my mom) it’s an excuse to cheat and so I talked to him on the phone and asked him some more questions about it and I asked “If a girl exactly your type wants you to hook up with her what would you say?” He said well it probably won’t lead to anything anyway (HE SHOULD HAVE SAID no one could top you beautiful but I digress) we been dating for 6 months and official for 2 and it’s really rubbing me the wrong way. He said after his trip is when he can decide whether he is in the right headspace for this relationship. My mom said I shouldn’t go back but I really do like him LOVE almost and he is exactly my type 😔

Extras: he is white/asian, I’m actually going to a party tomorrow and I’m going to have some fun, if he comes back and said he did do stuff with another girl I will be DONE, I also met him off of hinge 😬

Everyone else is in such a celebratory mood and I'm just like "man fuck this place" 💀💀💀💀

Any time a lighter skin women (this includes black and non black women) tries to be friend me she brings up her the advances that she gets for being lighter skin. Not sure if it’s a way to show that she understands colorism,but it always come off very performative. Especially when the setting we’re ín isnt really appropriate for that conversation. Its like they have guilt or feel bad for me. I hate that so much because my skintone is not a barrier for me and it doesnt hold me back. My skintone is not a insecurity for me. Also they tend to phrase things like “I know it must be so much harder for someone like you” like no shit.

EDIT:*****I SAID LIGHTER SKIN WOMEN NOT LIGHT SKIN. LIGHTER SKIN WOULD BE ANYONE LIGHTER THAN ME.

Honestly the reason i got locs was because i hated the process of getting braids and taking them out. and with taking bipolar meds sometimes it’s hard to do my hair. So when i got locs it was a breath of fresh air, not only is it cute, but it has also helped me mentally fr. But when i would get a retwist and then after awhile it gets frizzy and stuff, i found myself putting on a headband and it looked so cute. i have so many headbands now in different colors and i might get more because it’s been a literal lifesaver before i would get a retwist. plus i found it easier to style since i got my locs in a middle part. i honestly don’t regret getting locs and i really feel more beautiful with it as well!

It's not a huge deal to start off with, it wasn't a racist joke or blatantly misogynistic one, nor was it even mean, but it still bothered me.

To clarify, I'm a feminist (a fairly radical one, I might add), and my partner and I share the same views. We've been dating since we were 17 and 18, and our politics have gotten a lot more extreme with the rise of misogyny. I don't tolerate any sexist/misogynistic jokes. My partner has cut off all of their male friends with the exception of one that we're both friends with, no prompting or anything, because even though they were "leftist," they were very insensitive. My partner had enough, and one day, just cut them all off. My partner transitioned into being nonbinary almost six months ago, so I've been helping them transition and discuss medical care for it. They're very serious about transitioning, not just changing their pronouns. Anyway, I'm a black cis woman, so I tease them occasionally about them being less stronger than me emotionally and physically. It's just one of the ways I poke fun at them. They call themselves the delicate one since they're not very physically strong and cry easily.

Anyway, today, they were carrying a case of water they got for my family into our house and were struggling a bit. They said they hurt their wrist since it was heavy, and I laughed and teased them for being weak. They said they knew they were weak, that they were dainty and delicate, and so was I. This bothered me because I'm physically stronger than them even though they're AMAB, so I said I wasn't dainty at all, that I was pretty masculine and whatnot. I asked what made me "dainty and delicate," and they made a joke about us having soft hands and not being real workers since we didn't work in the mines with cement on our hands. This bothered me a lot. I've felt insecure about not infantilizing myself, and we both have jobs. They know I work hard and have always called me capable. I'm working at my college's library over the summer and working to be a lawyer. We both agreed that I was gonna be the breadwinner.

They said they were referring to those videos of conservative old guys who call people "liberal and soft" for not washing their hands with oil, and that we both obviously work real jobs, just that they wanted to poke fun at me for calling them weak. They apologized and said that I'm neither delicate nor dainty. They just wanted to show how silly it sounded to base strength and job validity off of "masculinity." But still, even if it was ironic, it's still invalidating.

I’m in a an interracial relationship and interracial topics and subs make me UNCOMFORTABLE bc everything is abt fetish. I was recommended the interracial dating sub by Reddit then I went on there to see what it’s abt fr and I was turned off. Majority of the post and comments were giving weird asf and fetish. Like where are the normal people who date because the person is a good human being? Why is every post “I only date Asians”, “I’ve never dated inside my race and don’t plan to” or “how can I only attract black women”???

I’ve always wanted to talk to other couples, especially older couples (Black woman, Mexican man) abt their experiences with each other/cultures just to get a better understanding because even tho me and my partner have been dating for a long time we’re only 23, still young and we don’t have family we can go to for dating advice in general.

I hope what I said makes sense 😭

My grandma passed away sometime this month. I didn't shed a tear. This lady was no kind of grandma to me and my cousins are mad I didn't cry. They dont want to talk to me because of it.

This is going to seem childish, but I got my hair done just to find out it was not at all what I expected months later. Now I have to ask for a refund hoping for at least a partial as I paid up the ass for the style and it's a mess.

But I don't know what to do at all or what to say. Hell she probably won't even give to me but I just have to try as it was a lot of money.

Could someone give me advice on what i should write to this stylist?

My situationship is trying again. He stayed on the phone with me like slept on the phone allllll night. He apologized nonstop and told me he loves me continuously. He calls me everyday (something I used to complain about) and stays up with me even though he’s tired. He cooks for me and feeds me.

I told him I don’t want to get my hopes up and he plays me again. The girl he played in my face for had sex with his best friend. This was months ago. I told him that I would forgive him and move on and soo far he’s more attentive and kind.

I’m talking to multiple men which I’ve never done fr. He doesn’t know that. I have 3 dates planned. I’m currently on one. I don’t like the guy fr. I thought we were friends but I guess we’re not.

Idk what to do. I reallly like him but I don’t trust him. Do I just date around until he makes me permanent? The guys I’m talking to are interested in me but haven’t planned anything fr. They know they don’t have much time with me but continue to tell me they like me. Do I just keep dating around? Or do I honestly forgive him and try with him?

Edit;
I don’t have sex with multiple men. I do other things but sex is not my bop. He’s asked me out numerous times but I always tell him No. He dates and i don’t. I haven’t had a relationship in almost 7 years. He’s older than me. I go on dates and deal with other men from time to time but I can’t get him out of my mind. He tells me he loves me and vice versa. And I mean it just not in a way where I have to be with him. The girl he dated was super jealous and played as far as pretending we were cool while dogging me to everyone. I left him alone for a year because I refused to deal with the whole situation. It’s not a matter of him wanting a situation it’s me being scared to date. I just don’t trust men. I also haven’t found anyone that I really like aside from him. So him now being so romantic and loving is questionable. If they didn’t break up would he he act like like? If she didnt f his friend would you be in my face as hard as you are now. The problem is that I forgave him and I told him that. So do I continue to keep him around and deal with other men or do I dat him and move on like I told him I was doing. I feel that I’m ready to date but idk fr. Like how does anyone know after such a big gap.

Not sure who needs to hear this right now, but keep going! I know it sounds very cliche, but this is the longest I’ve been without work (10 months). Between the economy & AI, finding a job in 2026 is h*ll on earth! Especially as a black woman the odds are already against us, but you must stay the course. I’ve had about 25 interviews & finally landed a job with one of biggest companies in the world. A lot of those positions I interviewed for I was more than qualified but still didn’t get it. Just keep going & don’t give up I know it’s tough out here.

Did anyone else household shy away from sex? Growing up, I remember my mom never telling me anything about how babies were made. I had to learn in 4th grade from a classmate, lol! I get it, it can be hard to talk to kids about that, but my mom treated it like some nasty thing that should never be done.

Did anyone else grow up that way?

So in March of 2024, I moved into my first solo apartment. I loved it and made it a nice little pace for me and my cats, even though I didn’t have much. In June of that same year, I came to my apartment being ransacked, my computer, $100 mirror, laptops and other valuables gone.

I assumed it was maintenance, because the lock was moved to the master lock. I also assumed it was them because there were multiple instances of stuff being moved, as well as food and weed going missing. It’s like they were using my apartment for hangout spot before they robed me.

Managed moved to a different apartment, I got a camera for my place, and worked on feeling safe again. Then in November of last year, I moved to California with my father, and I guess living with my dad gave some sense of security.

Fast forward to today, I get home from work, ready to just smoke and go to bed. Go to get the weed off my bed, only to find it’s not there. I tear my room up looking for it. I asked my dad if he’d been in my room, he said no. Plus, I know he wouldn’t just take my stuff without a lecture, and he doesn’t go through my things, even when I was a kid. I know my little brother didn’t take it, but I still called and asked if had been in the house today because who knows, it could’ve been one of his little friends.

My dad said that maintenance came and checked the fire alarms today, and that’s the only people I can see taking something as noticeable as weed out of my room.

I’m just irritated. At this point, it’s not even about the eighth. A.) I hate nothing more than a thief. B.) I feel like I can’t even be comfortable in my own room anymore, because they had no reason to even be near my bed, yet they walked in and took my weed off the bed like this was their room.

I just feel really uncomfortable and violated, but also feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing, because the only thing they took was an eighth, but it’s about the principle of it all.

How do I make myself feel comfortable in my room again

I recently started dating again, and this time around, I’m standing firm in my boundaries. I am not afraid to call a man out or kick him out anymore. But honestly? I’m struggling to feel safe especially because people are able to find your address so easily. I now started removing my real name off of social media platforms and using a fake number so I can be harder to find.

Anyways It feels like no matter how well a date goes, his true intentions always sneak out at the end, and it’s terrifying. I’ve been in too many situations where I’m clearly saying "no" and they are still trying to push past my boundaries. I am completely done feeling helpless. I refuse to ever feel like I just have to give in again. In addition to that my sister was attacked by her BD in her own home and had no way to defend herself but with a small kitchen knife which did not cause much damage to a man who is 6’3 . It feels so scary to be a women dating and having people that you do or don’t know in your space. No I’m not perfect so don’t say just don’t invite them over because I’m human and sometimes I just want to be indoors and you know men barely have a decent couch… I know absolutely no women in my life who carry or have a mousekatool at home but every single man I’ve met has one and has no problem showing it off to me. Obviously I would never disclose that I have one to anyone.

I want to date and have men around, but my physical safety is my top priority.

My biggest fear isn't owning it , it’s what happens if I actually have to use it to defend myself. When I’m saying no and he won’t leave when do I make the decision to arm myself? I just have so many thoughts because I want to be responsible…I’ve never heard anyone talk about what happens when someone won’t leave.

A lot of black Americans are of West african descent. West Africans tend to have denser bones, which is why your scale may read as overweight, but you don't look it. So when you compare your body to other ethnicities at the same height and weight, you're going to look smaller. BMI was made for white people. Go by how you feel and look.

Was ringing up a customer at work ( elderly white woman ) and she seemed nice at the moment right ? Then as I proceed to wrap up the transaction and hand her the receipt she compliments my nails and says “thank you so much sweetheart” - and follows up by saying “you should should come help me clean my house” !

She laughed and then I just kinda stood there awkwardly -because I was in total shock while she left. My day has been completely thrown off 🫩.

Some time ago, I read that a lot of black women didn't know how to use tampons. Now, I'm a black woman (🇯🇲🇺🇸) too and I've never used one myself, but that's just because I have something against them (it's a mix of synthetic material and cotton being up my vag and the risk of toxic shock syndrome). For me, I've went from pads > menstrual cup > menstrual disc. In my household, pads were the main product bought for periods and tampons were never really mentioned. I wouldn't say there was a stigma against them, it was just never mentioned.

I know that in some households there's stigmas around inserting things in your body on your cycle; or, there might be fear about getting too "involved" in there while menstruating; or people just think the tampons / menstrual discs/cups are gross. I guess what I'd like to know is:

1. Was there any stigma towards tampons in your household?
2. Have you ever used a tampon?
3. Have you ever used a menstrual cup / disc? (This question is separate because a lot of people think they're gross at first and too involved, even more than tampons, and they have a huge learning curve compared to tampons.)
4. If no to the previous question, would you ever want to try one? If not, why not?
5. Would you ever give reusable pads and period underwear a try if you haven't already?