u/PappaNee

Ok i certainly don't wanna make light of sh, but it got me in a quite funny situation today.

I had occupational therapy and was planning to sh after. Since i relapsed pretty badly today, i went to the bathroom afterwards and right in the middle of my relapse the lights turned off! Mistakenly thinking there were motion sensors lights installed i waved around my hand in the dark like a dumbass, but no, turns out that the lights were turned off because the place was gonna close! I had to feel my way around in the dark just to get out the bathroom lol.

Luckily i had my phone with me so the flashlight came in handy. Once i got out i had to leave the waiting room, but the door to and out of the waiting room was locked!

Luckily the janitor on the other side of the door saw me and was trying to talk to me, sadly i couldn't make out what she was saying; her words sounded jarbled.

I had to clarify that i was a client and that i couldn't get myself out, thankfully she had the keys.

We had a good laugh and i joked about almost staying the night 😂, i thanked her and went on my way. Thank god the entrance door wasn't locked!

Ok i certainly don't wanna make light of sh, but it got me in a quite funny situation today.

I had occupational therapy and was planning to sh after. Since i relapsed pretty badly today, i went to the bathroom afterwards and right in the middle of my relapse the lights turned off! Mistakenly thinking there were motion sensors lights installed i waved around my hand in the dark like a dumbass, but no, turns out that the lights were turned off because the place was gonna close! I had to feel my way around in the dark just to get out the bathroom lol.

Luckily i had my phone with me so the flashlight came in handy. Once i got out i had to leave the waiting room, but the door to and out of the waiting room was locked!

Luckily the janitor on the other side of the door saw me and was trying to talk to me, sadly i couldn't make out what she was saying; her words sounded jarbled.

I had to clarify that i was a client and that i couldn't get myself out, thankfully she had the keys.

We had a good laugh and i joked about almost staying the night 😂, i thanked her and went on my way. Thank god the entrance door wasn't locked!

It was insane and intense, with so many realistic elements in it. Threw me for a loop once i realised what i dreamt about, actually self harmed afterwards as well since i woke up feeling so numb.

I remember being so desperate to hide it and trying my hardest to not seem suspicious while doing so, almost felt too realistic for it to be a dream. The only things that weren't realistic were the depth and the fact i destroyed furniture with IT as well lol, that makes it kinda funny to think back on it

My mom is controlling and i'm in a situation where i actually need her help and can't move out the house. She got on my nerves throughout the years and in the past i resorted to sh to get a grip on my anger.

Due to a flashback i've had last year it's like that anger increased thousandfold and EMDR didn't work completely, considering the therapist i had was a pos.

How do you guys blow off steam, i'm tired off her controlling me but i have no other choice but to take it at times. I'm fucking done, there's nothing i can do with this anger and i'm just laying in bed pissed off.

Please give some tips/advice

I don't get what made her angrier/pettier or more childish as i got older, but my mother has been a real asshole to me since my really twenties (i'm 26 y/o now).

To sum it up:

1. She's been texturist towards me multiple times by comparing our curls and mentioning how hers are prettier/better and i used to have beautiful hair as a kid. Nowadays she just looks disgusted at my hair, tho she has complimented it as well so idk wth to make of it.

2. Colorist by mentioning how my skin being 2 "shades" looks ugly (only part of my lower arms haven't been in the sun due to wearing braces 24/7 so it's rlly visible, that's all).

3. Judging me on what i (want to) wear which she's basically done since my teen years.

To give a most recent example as well, today we went to a family friend to get our hair done. She's studied to be a hairdresser and is damn good at it. I wanted to get my hair cut completely short and once she was done my mom kept saying it looked good, but emphasizing how i SHOULD wear make-up now.

To top it off our family friend gave me a compliment on how i had the right head/neck shape and my mom does not. My mom gave me (not her friend!) the weirdest "mean girl" look, i decided to just ignore her, smile at our family friend and thank her. Right after my mom made a whole deal on how her head shape looks good as well and she has a "right" head shape as well. To try and prove her point even more she got her hair cut shorter than me.

How do u deal with family members, or in this case your mom getting increasingly pettier? Till now i've just ignored it, but i'm slowly but surely getting tired of it.

To preface, i've asked on this sub about my mom before and how to deal with her behavior pertaining a certain situation and almost everybody thought she was white cuz of it. She's not, she's black tho a lighter shade than i am

I remembered the first time i burned was a few years ago, it happened "naturally". It wasn't planned beforehand and i never could imagine myself doing it in a million years. It was a short-lived method though, mainly cuz i scared myself out of doing it when reaching second degree and the amount of times i did it made it harder and harder to come up with excuses.

I also had to do it more often to get the same relief, which was also part of why i quit. I held onto that method for about 1.5 or 2 months

Throughout the years this has never been a thing with me, even after i quit and did it every now and then the main focus was relief.

Today was the first time i actually imagined my friends finding out and acting worried about me, tho i know reality will be different since one of em already got uncomfortable when i brought up having to talk to a psychologist. So i left it at that.

I also "downgraded" my sh today. I've been cutting for a few weeks and knew there was a lingering painful sensation i was looking for and apparently scratching myself was the answer. The thoughts lowkey escalated when i envisioned myself scraping/peeling my own skin off, actually tried that. Didn't work.

Idk what to do with these thoughts of "showing off" my scars. I mean, i know their reactions will be completely different than throwing a pity party for me. So why is that the first thing i envision?

Ever since i was little my mother had photos of my childhood stored away somewhere.

Since a few months ago she said that i should help out with putting the photos in a photo book (dk what it's called in English) and today we started for the first time.

At first everything went alright and she took a trip down memory lane, untill she came across a picture of 3/4 year old me (estimated age) naked in the bathtub. She joked that it was porn and laughed at her own joke, i don't remember my reaction but i'm pretty sure i was clearly not amused.

She paid it no mind and didn't even notice my reaction, i was too afraid to speak up since i still have mental scars from when she treated me with an author¡tarian attitude in my early childhood. So i just let it slip by, while in reality it was an EXTREMELY weird comment to make and now idek what to do if it will happen again.

I honestly feel like burning that picture, and i think i will actually do it. Idk why i'm afraid to, but maybe it's an important step to take.

The best way i can describe it is this weird heavy pressure/itch and slight numbness that takes over