u/2340000

This message is for pretty girls, smart women, and talented people. Not knowing you’re attractive is DANGEROUS!🚨In equal measure, not knowing your strengths is dangerous too.

The majority of people are miserable. They don’t like themselves. They’re chronically insecure. Prone to jealousy. Social psychology calls it the “crabs in a bucket” mentality or “tall poppy syndrome”. Because society values attractiveness, ambition, & likability, unhealthy people will see you as a threat if you posses any traits that make you desirable.

Being attractive requires self-love. Exercise means you love your body. Cleansing your skin means you care about your health. Having a morning routine means you think you’re worthy of being beautiful. That is confidence. Confidence is desirable.

However, attractiveness means more than having a symmetrical face & a nice body. Having an attractive spirit is even more desirable. Are you kind? Are you principled? Do you have empathy? Patience? Can you handle social pressure with grace?

If you have desirable traits, you must have discernment. Do NOT surround yourself with small minded people. If you can’t escape them for work or family issues, find healthy outlets. If you don’t know who you are, you’ll become consumed with the miseries of other people.

I’m 28 and feeling like a huge failure because I’m moving back to my mother’s house. What makes me sad is I had every opportunity. I graduated from a good school. I had the impressive job right after graduation. I’ve traveled & lived in many places. Up until now, I was financially supporting myself.

My childhood trauma & lack of emotional regulation kept me in survival mode. I could barely keep a job longer than a year because I couldn’t handle stress. I was sexually harassed by my boss then assaulted by my ex. Then there was the racism. And sometimes just my lack of professional skills.

Last year, I enrolled in graduate school & found a better job. Then we had budget cuts. I went 9 months without getting paid. Then I had an unexpected health issue. I’m still enrolled in school & but working part time. No savings. No assets of any kind.

Idk. I’m just disappointed in myself.

Tell me if this situation would rub you the wrong way.

I’ve been close friends with a Hispanic woman since 2021. She’s always been vocal about admiring me & oftentimes compares herself to me. I know that’s problematic, but when we first met I was just grateful for her companionship.

Anyway, I moved away in 2022. But we keep in touch & talk everyday. A few weeks ago, I went to visit her. Everywhere we’d go, she’d point out which men were interested in me. She’d make a big deal out of it.

Fast forward to us on FaceTime a few days later. She’s asking me for details about when I’m wearing extensions or not. Like, she’s finding photos and asking me “is this your real hair” or “are you wearing it in this photo?”. Her tone made me suspicious. It got so awkward.

Mind you, she’s NEVER asked about my hair in 5 years. Not once. I kept her as a friend cause she was respectful in that regard. She has other black friends, so she’s not stupid.

For the past few weeks, I’ve been mourning the loss of my closest friendship. My friend has always been open about how insecure she is and how much she admires me. I never realized it was a problem because I met her at a toxic job. Her companionship & reciprocity helped me all those years ago.

Although there are things I want to change about myself, I’ve never been insecure. I truly don’t understand how someone can hate themselves like that unless there’s truth to it. So, I minimized what she said until she confessed “I’m becoming a younger version of you”. Then it was constantly comparing herself to me. How confident I am. How pretty I am. Pointing out what men gave me attention. Not being happy when I shared good news. Being critical of my fashion choices.

I was raised by an abusive, insecure mother. I’m tired of being around miserable people. It’s not just my mother or my friend, it’s people at work. And guys I date being jealous for whatever reason. I’m not rich. I don’t have lots of money. I struggle. But I’ve never disliked myself. I realize being attractive only makes my confidence more annoying to people.

Where are the healthy people? Where are the people who aren’t insecure and aren’t arrogant either? I want better friends.

Yesterday, I ran into the woman that made my life hell in 2021. She was the boss at my first “big girl” job after college.

Seeing her again made me realize how angry I am. When I started the job, I was happy to be around another black woman because I graduated from an HBCU & had been in mostly black spaces growing up. My office was majority white and I stupidly assumed she’d have my back.

The first week was horrible. She didn’t introduce me to anyone. She was annoyed when I’d ask for help. I felt abandoned by her on my first project. She kept comparing our skin tones saying she’s “not that darker than me”. She fixated on whether I was “nice” & accused me of being the stereotypical black girl that rolls her neck. I told her she was incorrect & she agreed but said that I was too direct.

She was verbally abusive to me in front of my white colleagues who she loved cause they “had such thick, great hair”🙄. And she was a huge Chris Brown fan which told me everything I needed to know.

It’s been 5 years. I should be over it by now. I know she’s pathetic, but I’m still angry about it cause I cried nearly every day.

For the last few weeks, I’ve been mulling over the relationships I’ve had. I realize that I could’ve avoided so many issues had I trusted the first impression someone gave me.

I’ve met people with no boundaries who never respected mine. Or people who immediately started gossiping about others when we met. Or people who said something insecure which revealed how competitive they are. These people never got better with time.

It was easy to get distracted by their occasional good behavior because they weren’t terrible 100% of the time. Kindness is a choice. I think I’ve been making too many excuses for people & giving too many chances.

I hate that it’s been nearly 4 years since I quit that toxic job, but I still think about it.

All I remember was how vulnerable I was & how hard I tried. I moved across the country at 25 with no family support just to start a job with a boss who’d bully me. This woman was 36 & had been there for 7 years. She was labeled the “office mother”.

She’d complain about not being able to get a boyfriend. She’d call people fat or belittle them. She constantly gave me nasty looks saying that I “had it easier”. Three weeks after I started, she got verbally abusive. In retrospect, I know she was insecure & jealous. But at the time, I was inexperienced. Her behavior triggered me. I stood up for myself in real time, but it was sloppy. I didn’t know how to handle the retaliation.

The only comfort I have is knowing it wasn’t just me. She also bullied this army vet guy who was the happiest dude I’ve ever met. He told me to document her behavior. He quit a year after me.

I grew up sheltered & in poverty. I also had abusive parents. My only saving grace was being smart. Although I attended a prestigious college & I looked the part, I had no social skills. I was far behind my peers who were networking or interning. Everything was new to me. It was my first time having access to healthy food and buying things I never had. At the time, I was still controlled by my family, so I made terrible decisions (like giving them my scholarship money).

After graduation, I landed great jobs but I never stayed longer than a year. My first 2 male managers sexually harassed me. When I reported it, I was fired after 4 months. I didn’t know about EEOC b/c my mother said God was testing me & I failed. Then I got a new job with racist colleagues. I quit after 6 months. This cycle continued with various toxic jobs until 2023 when I had a mental break.

Now I’m 30, in graduate school with an unstable WFH job. I barely have 2 references. I’m over 70k in student loan debt. No savings. I can drive, but I don’t have my license.

Good thing is I broke free of my family. I’m in a better mental space. But I’m angry that I wasted my potential & wasted my early 20s. I think about all the opportunities I missed. Do any of you feel the same?

I hate when people use “nobody is perfect” to avoid accountability or excuse bad behavior.

Sometimes what you did was hurtful. Sometimes you need to apologize. People are afraid of shame so they double down on their shitty ways. This avoidance is exactly why toxic community dynamics are normalized.

Some expectations are unrealistic, but not always.

I’ve heard this saying a lot. Some argue that it’s another way of acknowledging that people will take you for granted. Others believe it’s human psychology & an inevitable part of relationships. It applies to family, coworkers, friends & romantic partners.

IMO, healthy people don’t behave this way. Those with good character & personal boundaries won’t disrespect someone b/c they’re familiar and see their flaws. I think unhealthy people have huge egos & low self-esteem. They’re desperately looking for signs that they’re superior. So they judge people by their “status”. And, when that person inevitably shows they’re human, the unhealthy person develops contempt.

I’ve seen this a lot at work or school. One of my graduate professors is incredibly kind & talented, but kinda messy. She’s often in a rush, dropping her papers, & doing things last minute. Her assistant will sometimes steamroll her in conversation. Not in a helpful way. In that condescending “gotcha” tone.

When I get to know someone, I’m typically more compassionate.

I’m furious trying to articulate how much I hate the societal advantages men have.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life & the career opportunities I’ve had that were derailed by men. Losing these opportunities from trauma or burnout cost me my financial stability!! — At my first two “big girl” jobs post undergrad, I was sexually harassed by male managers. I was naive and still healing from an abusive childhood. I sought help from family who used religious bullshit to force me to “prove I could endure”.

Then when I turned 25, I landed my first managerial role. The company had high turnover and a toxic work environment. I stupidly assumed I could succeed. Within 4 weeks my subordinates were testing me with childish power plays. I couldn’t rely on the support of my supervisors cause they were verbally abusive and the BIGGEST enablers of the insubordination.

I’m a WOC & was constantly compared to the 6’2 white guy who everyone wanted validation from. He was known for being lenient with staff, but if I did the same thing I was a pushover. Nobody respects a pushover. Someone even went out their way to tell me “you’re good, we just prefer him” — Ya’ll, I was handling traumatic situations like suicide & domestic violence, and one of my staff members told me I was “just a secretary”.

If I’m smart, I’m intimidating. If I’m pretty, even more of a threat. I can’t be mad about getting lustful attention. And I can’t complain about how rude people are cause most people enjoy seeing me “put in my place”. At 30, I’m much meaner. But I don’t enjoy being mean.

I’m at my wits end in relationships. I recently turned 30 & I am seriously considering starting fresh and removing most- if not all the friends I made in my 20s.

In retrospect, I know I need stronger boundaries. But relationships with family, friends, and romantic interests follow a similar pattern. We meet. We click. Laugh. Spend time together. They compare themselves to me. Or compare themselves to other people. They can’t be happy when I have good news. They make weird comments or say hurtful things. And never apologize. No fights, no disagreements. Just subtle resentment. Excluding family & romantic interests - it’s been like this with 3 people over the last 10 years.

Now, I’m not an insecure person. I have my issues, it’s just not related to feeling insecure. And if I feel bad, I’m certainly not making backhanded comments. I keep thinking, why can’t my cousin be happy I’m in grad school? Why is my boyfriend acting weird about my salary? Why is my best friend saying she admires my confidence, but irritated when I’m confident?

To this day, I’ve been close to ONE emotionally healthy person. Ironically, they’re a military veteran. They saw so much shit, but they’re emotionally regulated, diplomatic, and kind. I just want someone who’s secure in themselves. I want someone who can regulate their emotions & apologize!

I’ve been in the talking stage with a guy who’s an ER doctor. A surgeon to be exact.

Our conversation was normal until I asked him what a typical day looks like for him. He asked to send photos & I honestly thought he’d send a photo of his office or maybe the hospital.

I’m so traumatized right now… but he sent a photo of a bloody leg with exposed flesh. I immediately gagged & asked him what that was. He sent laughing emojis and said it was a diabetic amputation. I lost my shit & asked him if he got consent from the patient. I told him he was disgusting and cruel, and to never contact me again.

I cried, but I cannot get that image out my mind. He said they got consent from the patient & use such images in presentations. Whether that’s true or not, it’s unethical. Have you all ever experienced this?

I recently turned 30 & I feel like I’m becoming a misanthrope b/c I resent the emotional and mental labor it takes to navigate social spaces.

For context, I’m a WOC that makes an effort to be polished, attractive, & considerate. I invest in my appearance and I enjoy personal development. What bothers me is that I can never “relax”, especially in professional environments.

Naturally, I’m positive and fun-loving. I enjoy laughing and although I respect myself, I don’t take myself too seriously. But goddamn it, people test me left & right. A male colleague is trying to undermine me or a female coworker is being competitive. Someone is always trying some social dominance bullshit. If I call them out, I’m the issue🙄

Doesn’t matter where I go, someone considers my friendly disposition as an invitation to be rude. Unsolicited advice, backhanded comments, condescending tones… What grinds my gears is people snap their head up & watch me to see what I’ll do. Happens at work, happens in my graduate program, and it happens in social settings.

Obviously not everyone, but negative experiences stick out.

I swear people treat me better if I act like I’m above them. Or if I show absolutely no interest. I’m constantly assessing whether I should be warm, less social, more reserved, more vocal, etc.

Idk. Do you care about being likeable or managing your image?

Yesterday, I went out to lunch with some friends & we were taking pictures. When they showed me the photos, all I could see was my mother - I hated it.

My mother isn’t a good person. She’s never been kind, compassionate or considerate. She’s racist & hateful. She’s never taken care of her mental or physical health. So here I am at 30 feeling like I’m physically morphing into her.

It took me years to become emotionally regulated & I can proudly say I’m a better person than she’s ever been, but I can’t escape looking like her. My arms, my skin color, body type, smile… it’s all the same.

People always tell me how pretty they think I am, but idk it’s bittersweet. I even find myself picking up her habits. For instance she’s a homebody & although I love being active, I’ve been lounging a lot recently. Am I doomed😫

Can anyone relate?

I used to believe I’d have my dream life at 30. But lately, I’ve been comparing myself to others who seem more ambitious. Maybe it’s social media illusions, but I see people traveling & working at great companies. They have businesses and full lives.

I did everything right. I graduated from a top university & had impressive jobs in research and academia. Although I’m in grad school working a part-time job, I don’t feel like I’m doing enough. I’m usually broke after paying bills so I certainly don’t make enough money.

I’m trying to be kind to myself cause I’ve been having health issues for the last 2 years & I’m healing from an abusive relationship that ended in April. However, life doesn’t stop cause I’m sad. My landlord doesn’t care about my health issues.

Have you stopped comparing yourself to others as you’ve gotten older? Or do you do it more?

When I was younger, I was a fitness fanatic. My schedule was yoga, pilates, and cardio 4x a week. My diet was strictly vegan with barely any sugar. Being pretty was my obsession. I tried every eye cream, makeup product, and beauty hack.

Now that I’m 30, the urge to be beautiful is gone. People still tell me how pretty I am, but I’m in the “letting myself go” phase. Before, my weight never got above 160-180. I’m 5’9 and always had an evenly proportioned frame. Now I’m 215 pushing 220. I’m not as disciplined anymore. I eat junk food regularly. I struggle to exercise.

I started gaining weight after an abusive relationship. Then life happened. Then health issues happened. I watched my body develop rolls & stretch marks. I wore leggings for months cause I hadn’t acknowledged the fact that I’m a size 14 now.

Has anyone felt the same? How has your body changed?

Recently, I made a new friend & we were talking about our childhood experiences. Her parents encouraged independence while mine punished me for it.

I grew up in a fundamentalist religious cult where I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused - my parents being the main perpetrators. Not to mention we were poor.

So, all of the social skills my peers were learning as teenagers, I didn’t learn until my early/mid 20s. I didn’t know how to drive, how to navigate social spaces, etc. I didn’t have a support system.

Despite that, I’ve done well for myself academically. I graduated undergrad with honors. I’m in graduate school now. But, I’m still making up for lost time. Once I got older it was health challenges & workplace trauma that worsened my already fragile state.

Now I’m finally working on saving money, getting a license, and doing everything I should have been doing earlier. It’s embarrassing. Have any of you felt the same?

Over the past few months, l've realized that my closest friend is emotionally dependent on me.

We met at work & her companionship made dealing with my toxic colleagues more bearable. As we got closer it was clear she had serious mental health issues. She had severe anxiety, was suicidal, and deeply insecure, etc. We talked about everything. I was supportive and loving. She said she only felt safe with me & the reason she wanted to be friends was b/c I was confident and “always sure of myself".

It's been 4 years since then & although she's made progress, she still struggles. Generally, I wouldn't mind b/c we have an otherwise good relationship. We share values and we’re respectful of each other. Everyone has issues🤷🏽‍♀️ However, she's been critical of me a lot. She's annoyed when I share good news like getting a new job. When we're out, she has something snippy to say about my outfits. Any time I mention her behavior, she gets defensive.

I also didn't realize how much she's mimicking me…my behavior, mannerisms, and phrases — Before you ask, yes she’s in therapy. She just started a few weeks back. Yet, I still feel smothered by her. She hasn’t been supportive. I don’t share happy news. And I feel that she’s resents me because she compares herself to me. And I’m resenting her cause I don’t feel emotionally safe anymore.

Do I wait this out or just let her go?

I’ve been reflecting on my experiences at work, especially with men. Suffice to say, the majority haven’t been good.

At my first job out of college, my manager sexually harassed me. He tried to hug me, asked how many men I slept with “on the side”, etc. My other male colleagues stayed silent. When I reported it, the female director defended him.

Then I switched jobs & started working for a guy who used our 1:1 meetings as his personal therapy sessions. Eventually he asked to have dinner with me. He emphasized he wanted us to be alone, “without his wife”.

Again, I switched jobs. My male coworker, who everyone said was “the nicest guy ever” kept flirting with me. I’m talking offering extra help, texting me, staring at my chest, following me around, sitting directly next to me in meetings even though I’d try to move. His long-term girlfriend was our admin!!

These are just a few of my experiences. I believe I’m not as successful in my career because of all the trauma. How do you all handle it?