u/2340000

I live next to a single mom & her teenage daughter. We haven’t spoken much except for polite greetings in passing. I’ve lended her a few things & helped her get packages. Nothing too serious.

Today a man came over who I assumed was the daughter’s dad. They were screaming & yelling for a good 2 hours. I overheard him threatening to hit her, calling her worthless, saying she wasn’t “good enough”. He made her cry multiple times and said she said was “weak”. The daughter was present for the whole ordeal, trying to mediate. The mother was mad he hasn’t stepped up as a father.

I sympathize with her as a woman who’s been a victim of domestic violence. But also as the daughter of a single mother. I’m thinking of getting her flowers, but I don’t want to be presumptuous. Would you be annoyed if a neighbor did this? Do I write a card? Not say anything at all?

Or should I mind my business & stay out of it?

EDIT: I called the cops. They came outside and he tried to hit her with his car.

I won’t get flowers. Thank you for the advice.

Lately, I’ve been reflecting on my life. When I was younger, I was kind but my true self was clouded by trauma. In social settings, I didn’t smile or show warmth. I’d ignore people and refuse to participate b/c something would happen that made me lose respect for them. My principles were right, but I was difficult to deal with.

Now that I’ve become emotionally regulated, people (mostly at work & school) rely on me more. They show their jealously sooner. They’re competitive. They try to provoke me OR they cling to me. They’re nosey…they want to be friends but it’s never reciprocal.…They give me more responsibility at work. I think I resent how much patience I have. People expect too much.

I keep hearing that people admire me. I honestly get irritated cause I didn’t have role models growing up. I don’t remember anyone being kind & warm. So now that I am, I feel burdened by everyone’s needs. If I’m nice, they think it’s romantic interest. If I don’t want to be friends, they retaliate cause they feel rejected.

I do my best to handle it gracefully. But damn, I want a break.

A helpful saying that keeps me emotionally regulated is “consider the source”.

I was raised by abusive, insecure parents. They yelled at cashiers. They mocked people behind their backs. They were manipulative & antagonistic. So, I grew up thinking everyone was allowed to criticize me. This belief made me emotionally unstable. I thought: If they were happy, I could be happy. If they were rude, I was responsible.

Now, I consider the source. If I encounter a toxic boss or an unkind neighbor, I consider the negative mental space they’re in to behave like that. If someone criticizes me for unnecessary things like my fashion choices or my food preferences, I consider what they’re trying to gain. Usually it’s control. Power. Leverage. Maybe they’re trying to soothe their low self-esteem. Studying social psychology helps a lot too.

Just my 2 cents!

I’ve always prided myself on having courage. Although I’m kind & mild-mannered, I have a no bullshit rule. I can be confrontational when necessary. I don’t have an issue speaking up for myself, addressing issues, etc.

However, I have a close friend of 5 years that I want to cut ties with, and yet here I am…..completely avoiding the issue. I realize I don’t like her as a person. Sure, she’s a “good person”, but she doesn’t work on herself. She’s male-centered, sometimes lacks empathy, and is inconsiderate.

So…maybe I’m not as confrontational as I assumed. I feel like such a coward avoiding the obvious.

I’m currently grieving the loss of a safe friendship I’ve had for 5 years.

Although my friend is loving and good natured, we are very different. I’m more confrontational and independent & she’s more passive and validation seeking. I used to think this wasn’t an issue, but I’m realizing it is.

The problem is, I was dating a guy who threatened to hit me. When I first told her why it happened, she defended him. The guy had been in his home country, visiting his family. He’d been there for 3 weeks. He was staying out all day with his friends and “requesting” that his mother make his meals. My criticism was that he should learn to cook the food himself🤷🏽‍♀️ He also has an adult brother who lives there with the dad, so I asked “who cooks for your mom?”. The guy irritatingly said “she cooks for herself”. During this convo, he raised his fist at me.

My friend completely ignored the fist issue & said “maybe he’s just missing his mother’s cooking”. Her point was that she misses her native food sometimes. My point is, did you listen to what I told you??? Yesterday she asked me if I was picking up his calls. Obviously NOT!!

I’m not trying to be mean, but I think she’s ignorant. I have no respect for her anymore. I don’t respect her relationship decisions. I think she lacks courage. I think she’s too insecure. Too male-centered. Just all of it.

I keep seeing posts praising Shunamite’s behavior. Maybe it’s my TikTok & IG algorithm, but Shu is an insecure bully🤷🏽‍♀️

I keep seeing “she’s an icon” or “love her comebacks”. Even the official Testaments page on TikTok has “she said what she said”.

She’s not funny or clever. She’s passive aggressive & desperately needs to feel more important than everyone. Yes, this is exactly how Gilead brainwashes girls. But, it still troubles me that viewers find her relatable.