r/prettyprivilege

I’m curious about pretty privilege and neurodivergence.

I do think being attractive can give you certain surface-level advantages. I’m not pretending it does not.

But for me, it has also meant being constantly misread.

People assume I am intimidating, above it all, or fine and able to cope with things many people would not, because I look put together, independent, and self-possessed.

In reality, I am warm, friendly, open-minded, and not bothered at all by status or popularity.

I’m very private. I spend a lot of time alone, which I enjoy. I do not have a big friendship group, and I prefer being with my family and pets. I hate drama and I do not seek attention from people.

I can fawn at the beginning because I want a quiet life and I want dramatic people to leave me alone in peace. But once I realise someone has overstepped, I set strong boundaries with consequences.

That seems to confuse people.

It is like they immediately put me in a box, then get angry when I do not fit it and refuse to perform the role they assigned me.

And people often seem shocked that I am not passive or available which they assumed going by my femininity.

I have also experienced grown adults behaving like a mean-girl clique, usually led by a threatened Queen Bee who seems unsettled by a woman who is attractive, neurodivergent, private, and not interested in performing for anyone.

I feel like attractiveness can make neurodivergence less visible. People expect you to be sociable, needing validation because you look like you should know how to perform normality, or like you should be popular on paper.

So yes, pretty privilege exists. But there is also a strange punishment when your appearance looks appealing but you refuse to be shoved in a box.

What is your experience? Have you experienced similar?

Seen many girls who are conveniently pretty according to society getting benefits and attention and it can be turned beneficial to them. I look okay but that privelege never worked out for me. I feel underconfident and think that people are more judgemental towards me. For me its only hardwork that can take you to success but however it is not true in reality is what i feel especially when the people (higher authorities)want them to win .

I am so tired of women getting sooo animated or cold when I am there in a group of people talking- boys and girls and all the girls get uneasy.
I normally hang out with other pretty girls so they don’t feel threatened by me but I am not choosing friends based on looks. Last time I was literally talking to this guy at the club and my friend literally pulled me over saying she’s saving me when I was clearly smiling and talking to him. Then she goes on giggling and starts speaking to him in French and I don’t speak it but even then he kept being interested.

It’s not my fault that I get a lot of attention when I go out but I hate that girls who don’t get pretty privilege have to perform so so so much to the point it’s cringe and then “compete with me”

For example, down to earth, relatable, volunteers, 10/10 beautiful, successful etc?

I think the worst part of pretty privilege in my experience has been how much it strained my relationship with my mother since the minute I was born due to jealousy and competition.

One would think that the person who gave you life would be able to love you unconditionally but if they see you as competition you can’t even be safe from your own parents. That’s really lonely to be honest.

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19F and I swear my brain is years behind reality.

I was that ugly kid growing up. Got bullied, got made fun of, even my family used to joke about my appearance. It wasn't anything crazy but it happened enough that I think it completely messed up how I see myself.

The weird part is that people are actually nice to me now. I get compliments sometimes, guys seem interested occasionally, people approach me, do favors for me, my family literally jokes about my glow up now..But I still act like I'm the same insecure kid.

I'm SO awkward it's actually embarrassing. If someone talks to me I suddenly forget how to be a person. I avoid eye contact, keep conversations short, look away, and apparently I always look either annoyed or angry because my face goes completely blank when I'm nervous.People probably think I'm mean when in reality I'm just socially malfunctioning.

And don't even get me started on guys. I've never had a proper relationship because every time someone seems interested my first instinct is basically "abort mission" and I accidentally push them away The funniest part is I genuinely don't understand why some people have had crushes on me. I barely talk, barely go out, have like 3 friends, don't flirt, don't make moves, don't do anything. What made me think about this was something that happened tonight at a wedding. A cute guy was looking at me from across the room. I looked back, he smiled at me, and instead of smiling back like a normal human being I immediately looked away and acted like I didn't care.

Meanwhile my actual thoughts were: "OH MY GOD." I probably looked cold as hell when really I was just panicking.

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like my confidence got frozen at 13 years old and never updated.

Has anyone else gone through this? Is there an actual name for it or am I just painfully awkward?

Lately ,people are complimenting me alot..like alot

In my class people are saying i am the Beauty representative of the class..my skin is so good my hair are so good .my eyes are so big and pretty..you are so intelligent and your maths is so good..one even said your glutes are so good..you are so tall

One said that do u play any sport? Your body is so athletic

One said you are so warm cute and nice

Some people say you are beauty with brain

Nerdy softie type girl

You're so feminine

All boys must be simping for you

They blush around you

You are so nice and kind hearted and your body is my dream body

Some say when i first saw you i thought u r so cool and intelligent and i need to make you my friend asap

Some say i am way too pretty and how do u look at yourself in the mirror

My mom daily says how come i have grown out to be so beautiful and mesmerizing ..i just look at you and pause

My teacher says I'm very intelligent and sharp

My friend says my voice is too attractive when I'm speaking it's like very hot

They also compliment when i smile that keep smiling you look very pretty while smiling

And that my voice is very nice whenever I'm singing

I'm not a super model or something

I am not like the popular girl of the school

I am nerdy type of..and i don't even please other people

I have never been in a serious long term relationship and I can live without one, but I already have a lot of relationship trauma. Everything that I experienced from “dating” was against my will. I’m almost 24, I know I’m still young but from puberty until I was 22 (just about a year and a half ago) I always got a lot of attention. People always projected expectations onto me, especially with dating. Like “so many men will love her!” “she’ll EASILY find a boyfriend/husband” and I was just like 😐 (I was a child and not even thinking about dating or boys) And it ended up being true from when I was 19-22. A lot of men pursued me, I was not interested in them but they kept persisting. And their “love” was always toxic and demanding. They would try everything they could to make me their girlfriend or sleep with me. And if I didn’t want to then they either ghosted me or threw tantrums at me.

When I was 22 I decided to completely stop having male friends because of repeated horrible experiences, and shortly after that I started gaining weight. I also stopped being attention seeking and looking male gazey. The difference was night and day. I have not been approached by anyone except for the occasional catcallers on the street, which is just typical for any woman. I still am not attracted to most people and not seeking a romantic relationship, but my trauma with intimacy is so bad that I feel like getting into dating again so I could feel what real intimacy is like. Is it worth it?

I like who I am and I’m proud of the skills I’ve developed, but as I’ve grown I’ve felt a need to hide those things. I remember a girl in middle school actually getting upset and telling me that she didn’t like me because I was “good at everything” (for the record I was not good at everything, I was decent at like a few things). I remember practicing guitar and playing a new song I’d learned and when I was done my friend said “I hate you so much” in like a joking way but she kept repeating it over and over and over again and eventually I could just tell that she wasn’t really joking.

It’s like I’m only allowed to have a couple talents until people start disliking me. I don’t get it. I see my brother, who is one of the most talented people I’ve ever met, and everyone loves him. Like he can just pick up something new and be great at it. Each talent he has just makes him cooler. And I see this all the time with men. People praise them for their skills. They’re called “badass” and “GOATS”.

I know this probably seems like a braggadocios post, but I genuinely am just tired of having to water myself down just to make other people comfortable. I don’t get why other people can brag about themselves and their talents and get positive responses and people hyping them up, but God forbid a conventionally attractive woman be talented.

So I am considered quite attractive - and whenever I go on dates, men tend to be taken aback by my looks (I'm cute in pics but better looking in person). This leads to men being very interested at the beginning, along with the fact I'm personable and have my life together.

Also, I don't have sex very quickly, I take my time to get physically intimate.

What happens to me is either I am not into the guy and I break things off, or I get attached to the guy over time who is showing me consistent affection and care. However, over time - the men tend to lose interest, despite maintaining a lot of respect for me - saying that I'm fun and kind and they would love to remain my friend. I notice a lot of them stoping asking questions about my life or stop caring about my interests or planning dates, despite doing so at the beginning.

I know that type of person is not my person, but does anyone have any tips on filtering out men who are just gonna lose interest in a relationship with me or aren't actually passionate about who I am as a person? And is there a way to do it early on, before I go through this emotional cycle again?

- Sincerely,

Forever Heartbroken Girl Who Just Wants to Give Her Love to Someone

This is what annoys me about the pretty privilege conversation. People talk about it like attractive women just float through life being adored and protected by everyone.

Yes, being attractive can help in some ways. I’m not denying that. People notice you more, some are nicer at first, some may compliment you, give you free stuff etc.

But that is not the same as respect.

A lot of the attention is actually toxic. It can be sexual, competitive, resentful, entitled or just shallow. People project loads onto you and make assumptions. Men can treat you like an object or some status thing, and some can become controlling or abusive. Some women decide you must be full of yourself before you’ve even spoken and want to knock you down as much as possible.

People see the benefits but they don’t see the dehumanising side.

You can be desired and still not listened to. You can be stared at and still not actually seen. You can be wanted and still not cared about. You can have talents, thoughts, trauma, depth, whatever, and people still only want the surface. Even your interests or skills can get treated like cute little hobbies rather than actual talent or a career.

So in some ways pretty privilege exists. But being valued for how you look is not the same as being respected and seen as a person.

Not even close.

i’m naturally pretty asf with a banging ass body and why would i ever feel bad about that??? i love being pretty i love the experiences and perks it brings (in general) and i love the way i am.

why can’t i like admiring myself without the accusation of being vain? it’s not like i put looks on a pedestal and judge or treat others differently based on their appearance. i know it shouldn’t and doesn’t matter.

a while back i realized my phone was automatically categorizing my selfies as “art.” and that’s what it’s like. people naturally admire, celebrate, or gravitate toward things they find pleasing to the eye right? a pretty picture, a flower, whatever. i just love the way i look and if other people feel that too when they see me then so what.

shoutout to the confident ladies who know they’re hot shit!

other than having RBF, how can I cope with this. it gets pretty overwhelming at times when I look up and always catch others staring at me. it’s not always necessarily a creepy man, but it’s just something that gets to me. always feeling watched.

20F, get compliments from both men and women, but I’ve never been in a relationship. Does that mean anything?

I’m a 20-year-old woman (turning 21 soon), and something I’ve been wondering about is that I get compliments fairly regularly from both men and women. Sometimes people approach me just to tell me I’m pretty or compliment my appearance.

Even when I was under 18, I would get compliments from older men. That doesn’t make me feel good or validated—I’m only mentioning it because it’s been a consistent experience throughout my life.

What confuses me is that despite getting compliments and being approached, I’ve never been in a relationship. Most of the time, people either compliment me and move on, or if a man approaches me with more interest, it often feels sexual rather than romantic. I’ve never really had someone approach me in a way that made me feel like they genuinely wanted to get to know me as a person or pursue a relationship.

For context, I’m a pretty sensitive person. My heart is on my sleeve emotionally, but I’m also very guarded. I don’t open up easily, and trust takes time for me.

Lately I’ve been wondering: what does it mean when you receive attention and compliments from people, but you’ve never actually experienced a relationship? Is it possible to be perceived as attractive but not approachable for dating? Or am I overthinking this?

I also struggle with feeling sexualized at times because the attention I receive doesn’t often feel genuine or relationship-oriented.

Has anyone else experienced something similar?

A bit of context: I'm in my early twenties and neurodivergent (adhd), which means I always struggled a lot with social cues.

It was always very difficult for me to interact with people successfully, for friendships and dating.

However, after high school I became lowkey cute looking. I don't even think I'm beautiful, just a bit pretty. And still, that changed everything.

I can flirt like the most akward person on earth and still people forgive me my lack of social cues and it works.

And right now, I'm at a point in my life where literally all the people I'm talking to are people I dated/flirted with. I'm trying to make girlfriends and I'm struggling so much lol.

Feeling a bit lonely not gonna lie. I miss going out with friends

When I am looking to improve my appearance/ get ideas of how to look 'better' I basically never get inspired by the people I see out and about. Not because I think they look bad, I just don't live in an area with very many remarkably good looking people (and I worked in aesthetics lol). I'll go out looking like actual shit and still feel like I don't actually look worse than most people, even if my goal was to be invisible and ugly. On the other hand, I feel like I lack a lot of potential, so when I think about how to achieve my own standard of beauty I find myself looking at celebrities and influencers not because I think I look like them, but because I can see my flaws a lot more clearly when I compare myself to a top tier enhanced beauty.

I was unattractive-average until puberty and the way people treat me is night and day 😭 its very humbling and it makes you appreciate your beauty a lot more. But also lets you see just how shallow people actually are

I was an ugly ass duckling growing up. But then I realized how pretty girls are treated compared to what people think are not so pretty girls. For a long time now I’ve been working towards becoming more attractive. I’m not saying I’m pretty because whenever I look in the mirror I still see the past version of myself but I think I’ve reached some of it. I only noticed because at my job people go out of their way to do things for me, make things easier for me and finally the last part is that I realized my bosses are nicer to me. I’ve seen people fired for way less or get reprimanded for the things I’ve done. I’ve been late a lot/not having the best attendance recently but my boss offered me more hours to make up for lost time. I thought this was odd until I brought it up to a friend and he straight up told me that it’s because I’m pretty. Have you guys experienced this type of special treatment or is my boss just nice? (He’s 50 yr old guy)

It seems like an automatic natural response. And they prey on your downfall