r/workplace_bullying

Hi, Don't know if this is the right place.

I am someone who only suspects myself to have autism/ ADHD, but never get diagnosed because I find myself don't have the obvious traits. I don't have any trouble staying in crowded environment, and I only do verbal stimming when I feel stressed and overwhelmed, and only when I am alone.

There was one time I was overwhelmed by work, everyday is stressful because I couldn't keep up with the expectations. So one day I started venting out to my friend privately, but somehow someone from work heard and spread this to the workplace. Ever since then I can always feel people talking behind my back.

Though I'd admit that I hv said something insulting.

I recently things got worse. I have a habit of stimming when I am alone, I did those during chores at home, usually repeating the same phrase/song.

I think some coworkers live near my place, because usually the next day I'd hear what I said/sang be repeated in front of me, and it gets more frequent and louder.

Going to work is even more stressful now, and it's tiring. And humiliating to see that even the young new joiners would also do the same.

I totally understand if you think I just want to use mental health issues to save myself. But I think this has started to become workspace bullying and privacy invasion.

Just wondering if there's some kind of legal action I can take, or do I need to get a diagnosis 1st?

I am asking this because it's all mockery, there is no direct insults so it's hard to get clear evidence. And I don't know if I should bring this to HR because I was the one in wrong at first.

Please share your thoughts. Thanks

Hello!

For context, I am an autistic person who was openly queer, and I struggle with social interactions but still try to do better and expand.

No excuses, just reasons.

These coworkers have previously invited me out places, and we used to hang due to proximity. Early last year, I got too comfortable and made some inappropriate comments to two of them. Overfamiliar, and I totally crossed a line - I get that.

Never did it again. No leadership was involved to address it, and nobody said anything.

I noticed maybe a few months later that their behavior changed, so I asked them if I ever made them uncomfortable. They yelled "No!" And "Who told you that?" So I accepted it.

Fast forward more months later, they are jumping when they didn't notice me, or talking and laughing when as soon as I come in, they go stark quiet. We used to greet each other in the mornings but have stopped on both sides.

I used to also offer them leftover products.

Then, I went to a new location nearby. The new staff are fine with me until, at one point, the girls visit a few times.

On their last visit, they speak with another coworker who goes from bright and happy to completely ignoring me and actively antagonizing me.

One of the main coworkers comes up to me and yells my name giddily, but I just stared at her in confusion.

I have no problem admitting when I am wrong, but what's the point in lying to me just to actively bully me?

It honestly consumes my daily thoughts. I hate hurting people's feelings or making them uncomfortable.

When she first started I was really optimistic because I was the manager of my department while being forced to do tasks for that position too since people kept quitting. Highly toxic environment. I genuinely wanted her to make it so I didn’t have to do two jobs. So I gave her immediate support.

She made a couple mistakes in her first two weeks. No big deal, she’d literally just started and corporate “training” there was always sink or swim. But now eyes were on her. Here I am not only excelling, generally liked, making a higher salary because of my tenure, and younger. She started to target me to make me look like a problem.

I won’t go on and on with examples, just picture the boss that is bullying you, treating you like garbage, and undermining you daily.

She took off Friday-Sunday and didn’t let me know. We really needed her support and her being there was planned! A couple of minor things went wrong which my GM questioned me about.

I tell him some of it was out of my control due to vendors, which was true. Then I casually drop something like, “I really wish [name] would’ve been here, she’s so good at [blah blah]”

• What do you mean? She wasn’t here?
• No.
• Was she here Saturday?
• I didn’t see her, I sent her a text on but she never responded.
• Hm. And Sunday?
• No, I hope she’s okay. I know she’s been having a hard time lately.
• What do you mean?
• She just seems.. overwhelmed I guess? But I know a big job. I just really hope she stays here because she clearly knows what she’s doing.
• Is there anything else?
• Yes.. I don’t know if I should share this because we all have hard days but.. I knocked on her office door last week because we were so busy and we needed help…when she opened it she was crying a lot. I asked if she was okay and she slammed the door and left an hour later. I don’t know how to help her, I know she can be a strong part of the team.

Corporate had a meeting with her 2 days later. She never came back after that meeting.

Do I feel bad? Absolutely not. She was a bully and honestly, I probably did her a favor lol. I finally got out of that place 4 months later.

The only lie was the crying. The statements about randomly not showing up for days, especially the days we needed her, refusing to respond to texts and emails, and her appearing to be overwhelmed were true.

Location: California
Private school teacher whose contract was non renewal last year. Was an at will employee. In the last weeks had very racially charged bullying incident with admin and realize it was a pattern that led to non renewal. Never had any reprimands or bad reviews- nothing in personal file.

Reported harassment by admin the final week of school. Reported harassment to 3rd party hr company that works for the school and it went nowhere. Now at new school but it just feels wrong. Is it worth or possible to file a report or sue or something? How would one go about it?

I hate that she saw. I hate that I felt anger and frustration. I hate that suppressing the anger and frustration made me cry.

I work in legal admin doing a job I haven't done for 20 years. I'm 50. I've been in this job 2 months, there is a lot to learn but I'm getting there. From day one I knew she was tricky just by how I got spoken to, then she started getting at me in the 2nd week, telling me I wasn't fast enough. Then whenever I asked a question I was told "I've told you this already" or to look in the instruction book she created. Last Monday I got 7 emails all finding fault, we sit in the same office! Two weeks ago she had a go at me when I asked a question, telling me I should have known the answer. I'd been there 18 days. I spoke to my boss about the issue and was told others had complained about her before. I've kind of gleaned that most people in the firm don't like her. Yet I've made such an effort, trying to be nice I've tried ignoring the jibes and trying not to ask questions but I'm still new! Today I asked a question about a task but instead of answering me she angrily told me I should have done it by now and she was amazed that it had taken me "so long". I'd been doing it for 30 minutes. I felt it all bubble up.... How dare she speak to me like that, she is not my boss, she is my colleague. It's not for her to pass judgement on my speed. But I knew if I reacted angrily, there's no going back. That's when the tears start, then I can't stop. It's the nastiness that gets to me because I would never treat someone like that. And she's not that bloody good at her job because I've discovered loads of mistakes she's made. I love this job, everyone else is so nice and I'm worried that I will lose a job I love because I can't get on with her, maybe they'll say I'm not a good fit. Any advice is welcome.

UPDATE: Not sure if this works, but.... Thank you to everyone for your kind words and advice. I've been implementing most of it, as sadly, I've been bullied before. I spoke to my boss today who was nice and understanding. I have been assured that my work is what is important, not whether I can get on with the bully. I'm sussing out who in the company does what so I can direct certain questions to them. There's a works night out tomorrow which I'm going on (bully doesn't go to work things) so hopefully I can start making friends with more of the staff because they're all really nice. Bully will not be mentioned. Thank you all again, very much 🥰

I have an abusive coworker who’s remote that likes to send me teams messages that are highly inappropriate. Verbally abusive, cursing me out, telling me how horrible of a human I am and the worst god created, $hore, white trash, someone should have killed me, I’m a disgrace to my family blah blah blah. I always respond back “ do not message me unless it is about work matters, I feel harrassed” and he just keeps on going. I guess he’s jealous or wants me to quit. One or the other. He also tells me everyone at the office hates me and I’m unlikable. Idk how I am because I literally am kind to everyone and I’m pretty quiet and keep to myself.

Issue is, we have a training coming up and I have to see him face to face. I’m actually pretty scared to stay in the same hotel as well. I’m going to ask hotel to put me somewhere else as far away from him just incase he finds away to harass me there too.

Any advise on what else to do? I’m about to go to HR if this keeps on going past this training event.

I genuinely don’t know how to respond when my coworker makes hurtful jokes about me in front of other colleagues. He often makes crude or sexual jokes (not about me) because he knows they make me uncomfortable — he’s even admitted that he can tell I’m uncomfortable — and I get so awkward in those moments that I freeze and don’t know how to react.

last week, in front of a group of coworkers, he read out the “difference” between a geek, a nerd, and a dork. When he got to “dork,” he described it as someone who is socially awkward and not necessarily intelligent, and then said he thought that described me. No one said anything and they just laughed uncomfortably.

That honestly hurt my feelings. I really do try my best to be friendly and social, but moments like that make me feel like people just don’t like me.

I didn’t know how to respond at the time, and afterward I kept wondering what I should have said or done. I just don't know what to do around him in general, he makes me so insecure.

I genuinely do not know what to do anymore. My social anxiety and depression has worsened because of the trauma I experienced at workplaces. I haven't left the house in months. I cannot even make myself go see my psychiatrist because it requires going out of the house.

The worst part is I know I have to start applying and working again this month because the bills won't pay themselves. I don't feel safe anywhere I go and I honestly don't want to start taking meds again because its too expensive.

I feel so hopeless and desperate. Because mobbing has happened to me at multiple jobs. I know I am quiet, young, and seem shy and timid and barely speak but being constantly derided and ostracized at every job because of it is exhausting. It doesn't help that I work in call centers and that industry values bubbly, sociable people who know how to sell themselves.

I’ve seen it happen at every workplace. It usually starts with one person aggressively slandering and badmouthing the target. And a bunch of other insecure people use this as an excuse to join the hate-campaign. It provides them with an instant ego boost, a feeling or superiority, and hours of drama and gossip.

Mobbing seems to be part of human nature. It occurs every season of reality shows like the bachelor/ big brother / Americas next top model.

A gang of people start to target one person (usually someone who is independent, vulnerable, threatening, or who the group feels is undeserving). Anything the target does is a problem. The group will actively sabotage them, manufacture grievances, call kindness “fake” or “manipulative” and spend hours gossiping & hate-bonding. I think it gives the group anxiety relief, a sense of belonging, a feeling or superiority (etc).

The last time I worked a job was almost two years ago. My mental health was destroyed by months of targeted bullying by a woman almost twice my age. I also faced sexual harassment (and subsequent retaliation) from a man decades older than me. The older woman would refuse to train me, slander me, spread lies about me, steal credit from me, and twist any kind action (like me bringing in cupcakes) as me being fake or manipulative.

I’ve noticed this happens with celebrities too. Someone can go from being ultra famous and defended to being a total pariah overnight.
I don’t know if people think it’s trendy or “acceptable” to attack Sydney Sweeney. But she is constantly torn apart online, publicly called ugly over & over again (even by other people in Hollywood and prominent voices online), and the comment section is just FULL of thousands of people joining the mob and tearing her down. It’s like one person gets the ball rolling, and suddenly all the lemmings think they have “permission” to be cruel too. Or they justify it by claiming Sydney is a privileged blonde woman. Or they use her politics as an excuse to justify their cruelty. I don’t understand what she did to deserve it. Because I’ve never seen other female celebrities called ugly this much and this aggressively. But she is NOT ugly to me at all. And I can’t imagine how hurt she would be if she saw all the comments made about her. I believe she previously cried on twitter when “Sydney Sweeney ugly” was trending.

I am getting sick of this very old woman.
I am not while so ever since I started work I could feel all this hate only towards me! My friend does the same exactly work as me sits beside me but receives all the love from this Karen and she acts so cute to her! While she shows so much hate towards me!

When she walks she glares at me like I destroyed her life or something!
When I cough or clear my throat she copies me and I have it all recorded I kept coughing and clearing my throat on purpose for 20 minutes and she kept doing it right after me go intimated me of bother me! I have it all recorded cuz I had enough!

She once shushed me when I was talking to another colleague.
When I was sick she gave out and asked me to work from home saying it’s either me or her at the workplace. She then went home right after but stopped in front of my colleague and told her that she is going home because of me because I will make her sick too!

She told me I was selfish and because of one person the whole office will work from home. I told her I am not allowed to work from home yet! I was nice but she is never.

I don’t know, I am pretty upset I feel hated for being different even tho I am probably the nicest at the office! Everyone happy having a normal office life but me!

What can I do?

I feel like my existence just bothers her so much! 😔

I don’t want to feel this hate everyday, I asked to switch departments but they don’t have the capacities!

Plz advise me.

Yesterday a coworker joked about shooting homeless people. A few months back he joked about punching a female coworker in the face. I’ve talked to my boss about it. She blows me off. I work for a large business who just sent out the yearly violence in the workplace training. I don’t even know what to do with this but it does make me very uncomfortable.

I am an aircraft technician, and for the past months there has been this one person who has been giving me shit since the day I started working with him. For the list of things he has done:

1. Lectures me that I need to always ask him for help instead of doing things on my own. 30 mins later, I ask him for help and he proceeded to berate me and then telling me to figure it out myself.

2. Was working to installing a large panel on the tail n

that required a crane. Was gonna head up to help with the installation, when he shouted at me asking what I was doing. Told him I was gonna head up to assist and he then proceeded to ask me what should I have brought up. I then mentioned "is it the screws?" and then asked him whether he wants me to bring it up. Dude just rolls his eyes and walked away without telling me to bring it up or not.

3. Was working in cargo this time other groups of people. Was bringing some stuffs to help with the removal of certain panels my group was in charge of. When this guy walks up to me and asked me rudely where I was. Told him I was grabbing plastic for my group to store the screws in which he then told me to open the panel. Mind you both of us were in different groups and yet this guy proceeded to get me to do his groups job either way.

4. Whenever, I am working on the aircraft. 9 times out of 10, I would never see this guy with us.(On the bright side, I wouldn't need to get stressed from his antics).

Worse part of all is the fact that this guy spends more time in the break room than working with the aircraft so I can't even respect him as a senior technician. Worse still is that I am not sure what to do about this problem other than having to put up with his shit.

I just spoke to my manager and HR about repeated bullying from a team leader, and even though I explained everything and showed evidence, they still turned it against me and made me feel like maybe I’m the problem. They kept changing the topic and making me feel like I was crazy or overreacting. They even started speaking from his perspective and trying to protect him instead of supporting me. I’ll never understand why victims are so rarely supported.

I’ve experienced so much racism, sexism, and islamophobia from my cohort, professors, and those higher up the organizational hierarchy. I’m a “safe” target for people to displace all their hate and violence. What I’ve experienced is violence - it doesn’t have to be physical. It’s mental, emotional, psychological, and yes, relational, career-wise, and financial too. I know this because I noticed the double standards: if it were any other peer or colleague in my program who was treated the way I am, it would be grounds for a lawsuit and identified to be discrimination.

I’ve had the most vile things said and done to me in this program. I’m not allowed to stand up for myself or even practice my rights because I’m retaliated against and made out to be the aggressor. And well this country has also rolled back on many initiatives to prevent this type of discrimination and to give victims means to address this. The role reversals I experienced were racist and islamophobic because they try to paint me like I’m some aggressive, dangerous “terrorist” when I’m the one who is being victimized.

One example I can recall vividly is how a peer premeditatedly recorded me for a project without my knowledge. He wouldn’t contribute anything and made me do the whole project by myself on Father’s Day. He rubbed this in my face when he knew my dad was visiting his extended family in his birth country that’s under bombardment. I didn’t get to call my dad, to see if he was okay. I was in the dark if he was even alive and if he would be able to return. My partner intentionally was trying to antagonize me to get a reaction so he could use it as blackmail and “proof”. He got what he wanted, and even manipulated the recordings to try to construct a false narrative. When I told my professor about how he didn’t contribute, she also blackmailed me. She told me she would either give me a 0, which would fail me out of my program and put me in debt as an out of state student (my partner was local so it wouldn’t have impacted him as much), Or that she would grade it as is and give us both credit even though my partner didn’t contribute. She escalated it to the director, and the director sided with my partner and was coercing me into accepting all fault, apologizing to my partner, and giving him full credit. They were trying to make me out to be the aggressor, and coercing me into admission that I am the aggressor. They got what they wanted. The racism and Islamophobia did not escape me, as a brown middle eastern woman, they painted me as some dangerous “terrorist” and cry bully.

Because of the professor and director, other peers in my program started treating me the same way. People would put words in my mouth to try to mischaracterize me in false portrayals. This was crazy making - I had peers claim I said stuff I didn’t, and engage with me as if I said something I didn’t, and professors actually co-signed this. I’ve also had professors act so dishonest and disrespectfully during my presentations where they would misrepresent what I presented and communicated explicitly and clearly. I had peers do the same where during simulations they falsely made up narratives claiming I said and did stuff I didn’t. My own peers would take advantage of me, take credit for my work, and also discredit me as if I’m stupid, did nothing, or was completely wrong. Many times I would be unfairly criticized (they would actually make up stuff that didn’t happen to criticize - this was intense gaslighting). Several peers would make me do their share of work for projects and discredit my contributions, claiming I did nothing (when I did most if not all of their share) and they would claim credit for everything by presenting my work as their own. The portions I presented (the stuff they didn’t complete or half-assed) would be heavily criticized, while the stuff they presented (what I completed) would be complimented. I’ve had peers note their name on my portions of the work I completed to make it seem they did it, to coerce me into doing their share that wasn’t completed. I’ve had peers try to shove me down the stairs. Professors and peers who didn’t give a fuck about me and would either give me dirty looks, eye rolls, sighs, and contempt for even daring to collaborate on projects/assignments. They’d also contradict themselves saying I took “too long” or am “doing too much”.

They also mock lgbt folks in Muslim family systems who are afraid to come out. There was this one project where we had to compile resources for a fake lgbt Muslim patient and my god it was a clearly a bunch of bs microaggressions repackaged as “diversity” and “inclusion”. It was so out of touch with the realities lgbt folks in Muslim families experience and also out of touch with Muslim families. It was actually insulting. I’m only supposed to nod my head and accept this “education” and co-sign their ignorance.

I feel so disgusted in this institution because of how blatantly discriminatory it has been towards me and people who share my identity. They use people who share my identity as a token poster-child where they can pretend they are making efforts to be inclusive and diverse but I will always remember the vile discrimination and hate I’ve been subjected to. The constant undermining, sabotage, and exploitation whilst also blocking opportunities, withholding info, and acting discrepantly biased against me… I’ve had people tell me I am “so lucky” to be here, and that I’m taking spots from poor white people. It’s not enough for them that my people are being massacred, I’m apparently “ungrateful” and “undeserving” and only deserve to be living in a tent in a concentration camp with no academic, career/financial, and social prospects. That in itself is racist. Because it infuriates them when my people express joy, are successful, or do well in life - they do not want my people to do well. They only want me and my people to suffer and be miserable. Oh I’m “falling behind” and not doing as well as my peers? It’s almost like it’s by design. Kinda hard to do well and not allow bullying to affect my performance when it’s also coming from people with authority and power.

Even on the day of my graduation, the professor couldn’t be bothered to say my name correctly. I have a small cohort. I’ve interacted with this professor multiple times throughout the program. They know and recognize my name and how to pronounce it. They said it incorrectly intentionally, so my loved ones who attended the ceremony wouldn’t recognize it, and that it wouldn’t be associated with honors.

I’m so sick and tired of blatant discrimination that’s just hidden away with plausible deniability and gaslighting. No one in my cohort would accept being treated the way I was, and if it were any other person treated like this, it would be taken seriously. People actually avoided making eye contact and interacting with me after the ceremony, when before that they were all fake-friendly and wanted to take pictures. Only 1 person in the cohort wanted to take pictures and talk with me, and was inclusive.

I have been at my new job for a little more than a year now. The company is full of people who have worked here forever: 15 years or more is normal. It’s a very niche industry so it takes a long time to get to know the process of how things are done and whatnot. I feel very left out—these people hang out after work together, their kids are friends with each other, they coach the town’s little league so they know all the other dads at work, etc. I don’t have kids and I prefer to keep work life separate from my home life.

I realized that it’s making me somewhat of a pariah at work. I get it, I’m weird. I’m autistic and I tend to focus on things and not people. I don’t know what to do—I feel like they are trying to get me to quit by purposefully excluding me from things. I will stick it out because maybe they will eventually accept me. I think maybe they still think of me as super new and not knowing anything. I’m not sure what to do other than start looking elsewhere for a job.

What have been your experiences working at a company where everyone is friends outside of work?

Today was a quiet day and overheard boss complaining to HR about my direct supervisor slacking off and taking advantage of working from home and not really getting work done. Which honestly yeah is happening and I heard them say that it is affecting the volunteer support we get. I heard my name mentioned but I wasn’t able to hear what they said as they got significantly quieter. The only complaint I could think of on my end is the tardiness. I don’t think I go above and beyond but I get my work done on time and I think I do a good job. I’ve been 1-10 minutes late pretty constantly lately but I figured since I’m not there to open up an office at that time and the fact the others get there 30 minutes to 1 hour later (beside the front office staff) that it wouldn’t be a big deal. Obviously this reflects on my time card so I’m not hiding it but that’s the only thing I can think of. As for slacking off, everyone does it on their down time and they’ve been pretty open about it, but now I feel like it’s problem with me which I never really do until recently. I haven’t had a raise in over a year and honestly don’t think my boss likes me as she never really talks to me. Everyone else approaches her directly, but I tend to go through my supervisor to her. A bit of shyness on my end i guess. It’s off putting hearing these complaints since they’re usually very chill about taking days off or taking off early for appointments. Now it is a problem though and I feel like they tend to let the issues grow rather than speak to employees until it’s a big issue. I’ve never had a performance review in the 3 years i’ve worked and i’ve only gotten a raise once (less than 50 cents). I wonder if it’s even worth asking about since I get laid off for the summer and I’m highly considering not coming back because I feel like they don’t want me there. However, job market is sucky in my town and I’ve failed to find a decent job here, if not I would be gone already. Am I overthinking on the basis of not hearing clearly or am I in the wrong? Should I urgently look for another job ?

p.s. it’s an office of only women and others that worked there before have complained that it’s like a high school mean girls environment.

Any thought and/or advice please.

Really went back and forth on talking about my tool here because I am active in this sub and I want to continue to be a genuinely supportive person to people sharing their stories. But it is actually helping people so if one person here needs it then it’s worth it for the downvotes.

My background: Executive chef, hostile work environment for 2+ years, harassment complaint made near the end, nothing happened. Even though I was still a high performer my mental health plummeted. I took 2 weeks of FMLA, came back to relentless bullying from a new manager, received an impossible (and false) PIP, then constructive discharge. I was depressed but confident that I could sue and win because I had a lot of proof but I literally had no idea where to begin.

Things I had to figure out alone and at my lowest:

• How to get an attorney to actually take my case
• How the actually EEOC works
• Is what happened illegal or was it just bullying
• What actually counts as ‘evidence’
• What agency handles what law
• What details are needed about the people involved
• How to put 2 years of crap in chronological order
• Importance of copies of handbook, job offer, etc.
• Easiest way to keep track of jobs I was applying for as proof that I wasn’t just trying not to work
• How to prove emotional distress
• wtf is contemporaneous evidence
• How will I find a therapist without insurance

I could go on and on but basically I had to learn everything I possibly could about the employment law world. It was incredibly hard, painful, exhausting, overwhelming. I got an attorney and we recently reached a resolution.

I started building Traily during this time and 5 months later published in January. It and every resource inside is there because I needed it. Because ai was unreliable in many ways during my preparation pre-attorney, there is zero ai in the app.

Everything is free, and almost every tool stays free. If you need to go deeper and log more of certain things, that’s a sub, but honestly no one should need this for more than a few months max anyway. I could’ve left my job in the first 90 days and sued if I’d know a single fckng employment law and what to actually document vs what was just hurting my feelings.

The goal is not to get rich and it’s not to promote lawsuits. It’s to give people the clarity they need to get out or at least stop being gaslit. I don’t want anyone to navigate this from scratch, alone, depressed, and confused ever again.

Thank you for reading, and I am sorry if this post rubs someone the wrong way. It’s not a place for promotion but it is a place to support and help others stand up to toxic work environments.