I hate my mom
This is my first post on Reddit, and I just need to let this all out. I'm 18F and going into my senior year of high school. I'm from an immigrant family(Sudanese). My mom basically told me she wishes I was never been born because I wanted to do my own hair and have my own sense of style. This isn't her first time saying this. She has told me throughout my life that she wishes I were dead, useless, or a good-for-nothing. I remember when I was in fourth grade, my cousin got me raisin cranes. Raisin Cranes is good, but a little dry, so I wanted to save the rest for later. But my mom said no; I needed to finish it because I was too skinny, or else she'd beat my ass, and I tried to finish; however, I was eating too slowly. She said, "If you eat at other people's houses and eat too slow, what would they think?" She got really mad when I couldn't finish the food and wished I was dead. This has happened before when I was either 6 or 7. I wasn't eating my rice fast enough, and she threatened to beat my ass with a charger cord if I didn't eat fast enough. So I tried eating fast, but accidentally knocked over the bowl and made a mess. So she beat me with the charger cord for it and left marks for a few days. There are many more examples I could bring out, but it would be too long. Honestly, as I've gotten older, she stopped physically abusing me, but she just verbally abuses me. It hurts my heart so much. I feel guilty for feeling this way because, first of all, we are dirt poor, but she can provide things like, in 5th grade I wanted a ps4 and she got it for me. I feel guilty feeling this way about her because she provides things for me materially. Second of all, she is a single mother. Last of all, she is from an immigrant background and comes from a poor country. I feel guilty for hating her because I also still love her. But I just can't be around her. It's just hard to keep everything in. I was able to do this when I was younger. But as I've gotten older its so hard. People from my background or in similar situations say keep in until you go to college. But I think my mental fortitude is weak. I apologize for not letting her do my hair in a text, because I don't really mean it and would be hard for me to do it in person. She replied, "You really hurt me today; this isn't you. Don't do this again". I just "apologized" to keep the peace and for college(I'm not telling her I plan to go to college out of state until the day of my flight). You know what annoys me also. She used to say when I was younger that I always agreed with everything she said and should have a backbone, but when I got older she says I never listen to her like when I was young. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME? Another thing is my mom was scolding my cousin for "talking back to his mom" (He is in the same situation as me) and said "why can't you be more like _____? No matter the horrible stuff i say to her she keeps quiet". I feel like venting all this because I have zero friends("which is on me, I made horrible decisions). I'm so shy, so it's hard trying to make new ones, and also I feel I don't fit in with any communities. Anyways, thank you for taking the time to read this. (Sorry about my grammar; I'm too lazy to proofread.)