u/jxssicca

Growing up with emotionally absent African parents who often used rigid Nigerian traditionalism and “discipline” to justify hitting, insulting, belittling, or dismissing me shaped the way I feel toward them today. Those things happened during the years when my personality, confidence, and understanding of relationships were still developing. So the anger, irritation, resentment, and even discomfort I feel when they touch me, stand too close to me, or sometimes simply speak to me did not come from nowhere.
Now that I’m older, in university, and gaining independence, they suddenly want closeness. They want to joke with me, hug me, talk to me, and develop this parent-child relationship that was never properly built in the first place. And I genuinely don’t want to fix it. I’m not secretly waiting for an apology so that we can become close, I honestly don’t care for the relationship they suddenly want now. What makes it worse is that they expect that closeness without acknowledging why the distance exists.
Instead, the past is denied or minimized. My mother saying, “You’re still holding onto something that happened back then?” is especially frustrating because, to them, it may have happened years ago and been forgotten. For me, it was the environment I developed in. Time passing doesn’t automatically erase its impact.
Then there’s the constant use of money. Providing me with a roof over my head, paying for my education, or supporting me financially is repeatedly used as evidence that I have “great parents” and therefore have no right to complain. But financial support and emotional support are not interchangeable. Having my material needs met does not mean my emotional needs were met, nor does it erase being hurt, belittled, dismissed, or physically punished. I can acknowledge what they have provided financially without owing them silence about everything else.
What makes their change now difficult to trust is the timing. As I become more independent and reach the point where I can eventually walk away or decide how much access they have to me, suddenly their behavior changes. Maybe some of that change is genuine, but it’s difficult not to question it when there is still no accountability. They want access to a version of me they never built a relationship with while refusing to acknowledge why I don’t want them close to me.
And that’s the conflict: I’m constantly made to question whether I’m dramatic, ungrateful, or “holding onto the past” simply because they behave better now. But recognizing their current behavior doesn’t require me to rewrite my childhood. I’m not asking them to fix the past, and I’m not asking to rebuild our relationship. I just refuse to accept the idea that because they financially provided for me, I’m supposed to pretend the emotional damage never happened. I also have to acknowledge that this isn’t solely about childhood resentment. I genuinely don’t enjoy spending time with them now. Even on this vacation, I constantly question why I’m here. I’ve already been lectured multiple times about how I’m supposed to feel, including being told how I should accept the new adoptee and being criticized over things as trivial as my preferences toward expensive items. It reminds me that even when they are supposedly trying to be “better,” I still feel controlled, misunderstood, and emotionally disconnected from them.
The situation with the adoption is particularly complicated for me because, after losing my sister to suicide, I personally struggle with the feeling that this new addition to the family is somehow meant to fill the space she left behind. Whether or not that is actually their intention, being lectured about how I am supposed to accept or feel about such a sensitive situation only creates more resentment.
And the uncomfortable truth is that I probably would not choose to spend this much time with them if I were completely financially independent. Right now, much of my continued involvement comes from the fact that they still financially support me. That doesn’t mean I owe them emotional closeness in return. If anything, watching them has made one thing incredibly clear to me: they represent so much of what I never want to reproduce in my own parenting.