Radiating anger that has never been experienced in 33 years of life
If you do take the time to read this rant, I thank you for your time. For awareness, I have a Traumatic Brain Injury so there’s a lot of emotion, a lot of confusion, a lot of self awareness, and a lot of suppression because there’s nothing that can really be done. So I come here to anonymously vent, rant, journal, and not feel so absolutely alone or like a failure to my children.
I was in a relationship for 9 years, 6 married. Most non traditional relationship meeting in Plenty of Fish when I was out of state for work. Met ex wife while on work trip. Spent a month together, unbeknownst she was actually homeless coming from a very abusive livelihood since birth. Until meeting some gentleman from across the country.
Last days being there I was assaulted and essentially killed, no pulse nor breath. When brought back and taken to the hospital I had 6 skull fractures, 13 brain bleeds, a 30 degree axial shift to the right, I was a level 3 on the Glasgow Coma Scale.
I was in a medically induced coma for a week and a half, flown to in hospital for a month and a half, flown to another for another month and a half, then spent about 5 months in rehab.
During this time the of recovery I found out someone I hardly remembered was potentially carrying my baby. With this we made a plan to make such a terrible situation good and a month after the baby was born we all became a family. I can admittedly say that I had some electronic infidelities in the beginning of the relationship. I was not having my own needs met and still didn’t know who I was given the fact I just started a whole new life as a dad, a partner, and a TBI survivor.
So please in no way was I a saint at the beginning. As time went on family realized things weren’t going well as I was directed to distance myself from all family and friends as no one could be trusted. I was always made to feel I wasn’t enough or wasn’t doing things to her standard. How consistent these things would come up and when I would question, the arguments would start. So my response was to “sit down shut up and do as I’m told.”
The consistent mental abuse resulted in an attempted suicide. Time was spent in a psych ward and upon return the mental abuse continued. Until it was recommended by a mental professional (counselor) to take some time to myself and spend time with family, which was agreed upon by the now ex wife.
Still being married and not getting the space as mental abuse continued states apart it was determined a divorce was necessary. Not even 2 months after separation I am met with my 8 year old, after spending the day with my 2 year old so their mother could go out for her birthday with the oldest for the day. I am met and told how much he, her and another man had fun going to Dave and Busters for the day.
I intently listened to him as that’s my job, my little boy has done nothing wrong so I encourage him and listen with my whole heart while dying inside. She takes the little one puts him in the car seat and comes back and says “okay give your goodbyes” then looks at me and says “oh by the way watch for rattle snakes they’re really bad ‘insert guys name here’ dogs were bitten and died”
She gave direct instructions shortly after separation that if I were ever to start seeing someone I had to let her know because that will affect the children. But rules do not apply to a narcissist who blames me for hanging myself as a result of her incessant verbal mental abuse.
I can go on and on and on but I am stuck. I am angry, I am hurt, I am sad, I am disgusted, I am just lost. I am alone and trying to pick up the pieces that still exist of myself, rediscover myself but have never felt so absolutely alone. While she is out living her best life.
Rant over. Thank you for listening if you get here. I appreciate you.