r/openmarriageregret

I wish I could tell the whole story but I am scared that there is a chance one of my parents finding out it's me but I truly need to talk to someone about this. First I would like to say I found out about my parents poly lifestyle when I was in middle school and I found out in not so great terms (I thought one of my parents was cheating) after I had a conversation about it with the parent I still felt upset by it, at the time I didn't want them to have that kind of relationship but my parent was like "I am gonna do what I am gonna do and you can't control that". And I don't know why it bugs me that this is their lifestyle, my parents say they don't love eachother or me and my siblings less which I never doubted.

Heres the thing I don't frown upon poly people like it's not my business and also how lovely is it to have so much love in your life right, but for some reason it bugs me that my parents have this lifestyle. I don't want to be bothered by it though and I don't know how to get over what ever it is that I am feeling about this. I am an adult now still living with them and I get upset when my parents are always out with their partners like they spend nights with there partners and I am home taking care of my little siblings. Also for a awhile I was the only sibling who knew.

I think my parents think im supportive(?) / ok with it because they are always telling me about their partners or if they are taking to someone new. (My parents date other people separately, to my knowledge if that means anything) like they are more open about it now that I am older. And hearing about it bugs me like I don't know or have met their partners so I don't really want to know about these people that they see separately. One of my parents tried to introduce me to one of them one time because they were like "I want two important people in my life to meet eachother" which I understand but also I wasn't having it, thankfully my parent thought I didn't want to meet their partner because I am shy.

I know this isn't something I can change on their end, I gave up on that early on when I was in middle school, I was semi accepting through some years but now that they are more open about it with me I realize I still have some sort of upsetting thoughts about it. I love my parents and I want to not be bothered by their relationship but for some reason I can't get over this hurdle. I came here hoping to either get other kids of poly relationships insight or maybe poly parents as well. I am just hoping that maybe someone else's wisdom can help me change perspective so that I am not bothered by it anymore.

edit: my apologies for some unclear things, many of you have assumed that they talk to me about their sex lives, they don't. But this situation does make me think about them being with other people and I feel discomfort when I realize that that is potentially what is happening when my parents are gone for the night. Also I was hoping for advice or insight on how to feel comfortable and get over feeling upset by their lifestyle. Again I don't veiw my parents or poly relationships as icky or bad and wrong or un-ethical. I've realized though that some part that might be bugging me is the fact that I do watch my siblings a lot but I don't really pay rent (I am unemployed right now, my parents have asked me to pay rent with my financial aid money on occasion) But I don't think that watching my siblings is the only thing that is upsetting me. I know this must be frustrating to read because maybe I am not explaining my thoughts and feelings well but I hope you know I am frustrated with myself more than anything. I am so confused and upset because I don't know why I am bothered and why I can't just not be.

semi update: I have read every​ comment so far, thank you for everyone's thoughts it has helped in some ways and also not in others. I was going to go into what it's been like trying to establish boundaries with my parents and try to explain that dynamic and also how I have been treated now that I am an adult but I don't have the time to do that this moment as well as a new situation has came up and there is something seriously wrong with me because why am I upset about this when I don't want to be? My parents are having a get together tomorrow where both of their partners as well as some friends are coming over,(first time that their partners were supposed to come over into our house ever) I was already nervous for that but I was probably going to stay in my room. I don't like people coming over to our house because I am shy and not used to that, we like never have anybody over. (some one in the comments asked about if I had anxiety and yeah I get anxiety overall and socially as well. I'm aware that I get nervous when it comes to sharing my feelings because the reactions I get not just from my parents but from other people in the past has made it hard to feel comfortable to talk about my feelings, I tend to just not say anything.)

Anyways I was semi prepared for tomorrow but it turns out today one of my parents and their partner are gonna be in the living room today and when they told me I still felt upset. honestly I thought after reading a bunch of comments and going to bed I thought I'd wake up and not feel this way anymore...I know that probably sounds crazy but I was hoping that was the case. I have mini errands today so my main problem is I don't want to come home and see my parent and their partner in the living room. If I didn't have to leave my room I wouldn't (someone else made a comment about if I am always home which yeah I am the one who is home the most). I know this is so stupid, being avoident, anxious and I feel arrogant, I hate feeling this way.

I feel llike either on my way out or back in I'll see my parents partner and I don't know what is going to happen. Things are moving a bit fast now that my older sibling knows. Their partners aren't apart of my family and it feels weird to think they will all be in my home. Their relationship has nothing to do with me but it's now starting to impact me more deeply. Again I'm just frustrated with myself, you would think I'd be over/used to it after I have known about this for like 7 or 8 years now.

update pt 2: One of my parents partners is here, I walked out of room saw them and quickly retreated (I wasn't comfortable in the outfit I was wearing and to be honest I tend to scurry to my room whenever someone comes over). My parent just knocked on my door and asked if I wanted to meet them and my parent was like "You are leaving for your errands soon so you like kinda need to knowledge them." My little siblings were snooping behind my parent which I am kinda thankful for it gave me a bit of a buffer...as im writing this out I am so disappointed in myself, I sound so childish and ridiculous geez. Anyways I said "I don't have to though" and my parent had a look on their face, I don't know how to describe it but it was definitely giving to me a "are you for real" or "what's wrong with you" kind of look and then my parent said something like think about it / its up to you. I am nervous to leave my room now but I have things I need to do in a timely manner. Geez I haven't felt this emotional in so long I have had to stop myself from crying like 3 times today and I even cried myself to sleep last night. I just feel like I am the only problem.

mini update: many of yall have suggested therapy, I have done therapy before but back then I didn't mention it. I liked therapy and have been wanting to go back because geez this is not my only problem that needs to be unpacked right now lol. For a quick fix my school does free therapy for 6 ish weeks at a time so I signed up for that and hopefully some sessions can help me sort some things out. I for sure want a therapist consistently though. I am beside myself, I cried in the shower, while getting ready and while driving to my errands, genuinely what is wrong with me I don't normally cry. When I left for my errands my parents partner was in the restroom I think or playing with my younger siblings, I'm not sure but I was able to leave. When I came back I was on the phone with a friend and I saw my parent and their partner on the couch, I made eye contact with the partner and just gave probably an awkward and curt smile, I stayed in my room (for a while, I didn't have a chance to eat before my parents partner came over and I was too nervous to go out to the kitchen while they were still in the livingroom.)

I have been seeing my parents being frowned upon in the comments and I just want to say it's my fault that I was too nervous to go out and get myself food, I need to just learn to be comfortable with this situation because theres nothing I can do about it, I want to be ok with it. Eventually my parent came in and said they were leaving and that I was the only one in the house, so I was able to get myself some food. I know this is pathetic and that I am acting cowardly and childish and even though I am aware I don't know how to gather courage and overcome these feelings. But again I signed up for therapy so maybe that can help me. Thank you again for all the comments, it truly has helped me realize some things.

I’m curious, how many of you know that their partners or themselves ended up with the person they met are opening up the marriage? Are there any statistics on that?

We were switching over from monogamy to nonmonogamy. I wanted to have conversations about expectations and agreements. She called those conversations burdensome and exhausting. She told me it shouldn't matter and that none of my concerns were a big deal. I felt like I had to drag her into these conversations, like getting a middle schooler to do her homework

Now several months later after everything's gone to shit and we've broken up and my entire life has been turned upside down, and everything from my housing to my career to my social life has been set back by years, she keeps telling me over and over again how sorry she is. But then still says shit like this

What's ironic is she calls herself a relationship anarchist, but apparently ignores the part of the manifesto that specifically says that you should deliberately communicate

I think she might actually be more of a relationship libertarian. Just wants to do what she wants when she wants, and I'm overbearing and controlling and have "poor interpersonal skills" when I want to talk about how that affects me

I recently had my first STD (turns out you can be fully protected but still catching oral gonno from kissing? 😅)

Both my partners got tested and one of them was also positive.

We both got treatment last week and were careful with one another just in case reinfection could happen.

Last night, that partner saw their other person. They’d told this person and the person had said they were going to get tested, but it turns out they hadn’t gotten around to it before last night. My partner went ahead and interacted with them anyway, so potentially has exposed themselves again. Tonight I’m staying over and I’ve just found this out. I guess I’m not kissing or fooling around with them tonight!

But I’m feeling pissed that they knowingly created a risk, knowing it would mean I might have to accept the risk too or avoid sex. Is it fair that I feel upset?

Hi!
Forgive about my poor English

We’ve been having issues and are talking about separating, we’re currently in the same house still but different room. Have a 5 YO together.

Our main issue was between my MIL and myself, she treated us unfairly than her other kids… This was how it started, then he thinks that we’re not compatible, we don’t have common interests, I go to see Marvel movies with him, i watch football games with him, he wants to play computer games together, I’m learning. I like to go hiking, he doesn’t, barely make the effort, I like to go to different places, he doesn’t. Do you think this will be the issue for you? Any chance we will get back together? How do we fix this? Been seeing therapist, would like more options.

Regarding the relocate. He makes double than me, our total is $170K, he’s been offered a job, 2 hours away from his families, with $275K plus housing allowance $4000, is it a good idea to move?

We want free start or less stress financially.

We think moving there can solve at least one of our problems, the financial part. For the common interest, we don’t know yet.

We’re happy with our house right now, paying $1200/month, big house. If we move, we will most likely live in the apartment.

Even though I hate moving, because we have a lot of stuff to pack and unpack, but if it helps with our marriage, I’d do it.

He is now more towards accepting the offer, but he kind of likes his current job, no stress, only one to two hours per day, sometimes no work, he is not sure if he wants to do a regular job like 8-5, or sometimes overtime…plus the traffic will be sucks

My spouse (43m), Pear, recently spent a day/night with my meta Blueberry (39f) for the first time after a couple weeks of talking. None of my business, but if relevant, they spent almost the entire time in a hotel room.

After, Pear sent me a screenshot of their text chain for logistical purposes, but he accidentally included a text where he told her, “Thank you, truly. You made me feel alive for the first time in a very long time.”

That was a gut punch. I asked Pear about it, and he didn’t deny that was how he felt. We have had a lot of ups and downs in the past few years, and I know he’s frustrated with my seeming inability to let go and enjoy life (I deal with fairly tough depression/anxiety, which I am working on.. always lol).

I know he is “allowed” to say and feel this, but it just hurts. Do I ignore it and try to live my own best life? Is there a way to talk about this that won’t end in tears?

ANY advice welcome 😭

Hiii. I (F) probably need advice or let out some steam here.

We are actively exploring ENM for 6 months, after 10y+ relationship. My partner (M) initiated it. At first so I can explore my bisexuality, but then he voiced some desires to sleep with other women and me with other men.

I was not on board at first. I was afraid it could damage our relationship because I like to create deep connections and would not like meaningless sex, which would create time issues. I also had low self esteem and was afraid of rejection. But he was always reassuring that our bond will always be stronger, and after him insisting for two years, I went on my first dates saying "ah why not, worst case I will learn something "

It was a slow start for me, but everything went rather quick in the last couple of months as I gained in confidence. I made mistakes at first, being a bit too intense with someone for example, but now I believe reached a balance. I am dating 3 persons, 2 are in ENM and casual, one fwb a bit more intense but not crazy. I feel good and my and our sex life is much better than before.

But he is struggling A LOT now. He has a very casual relationship himself, but he wants more. He feels insecure, lonely and anxious, particularly when I am with other men. He feels bad and rejected because he doesn't get matches. He is jealous of what I have, and it is really putting him down. And now I feel a huge pressure when I go on dates..because I know he is miserable at home.

I keep telling him that we may need to close again if he feels so bad about it (it would be a bummer for me but I think I'll survive. I will be sad, but I think I can fill my life with platonic friendships too). But he keeps saying no. And now I deal with this and it's just exhausting.

I probably will give an ultimatum soon and I will force the closing if he doesn't change.

I wonder if there are any advice for him and me in this community:) ?

My partner and I were together for 8 years before he told me he was poly. I was brought with the choice, open up our relationship or end things. At first I ended it.
Ultimately, I went back to him. I loved this man. Adored him. I couldn’t imagine my life without him, even if that meant changing myself.
It started off small with threesomes, which were honestly great. But eventually the newness of it started to wear off and I wanted to go on less and less dates. He however wanted more. So he started to go out on solo dates.
Every time he leaves the house to go on theese dates a pit drops in my stomach. I hate those days. I live in fear of when those days will come. I know what face he makes on his phone when he is texting someone else, and I know one of those days is coming.
Two of our threesome partners I still enjoy seeing them, which is why I conflicted for so long. Maybe there are parts of non monogamy im okay with? But if I were confronted with the choice, I would never be poly ever again. So why stay in a poly relationship? I’ve never seen anyone solo, I don’t want to.

A switch flipped in my mind a two months ago, I think I am done. Everyday I have the same thought, I don’t want to be polyamorous. And yet, I still don’t want to break up, I am just here.

I love my now ex husband, I pushed him into a open marriage, the first year was really good I was going on dates no sex just dates. Then I started sleeping with a guy I met and my husband was upset and stopped all intimacy with me but said he needed space and time to work through it. After 5 months he filed for divorce say he no longer cared what I did. Was completely detached emotionally treated me like a room mate until he found a new place to live and was gone. Anyone experience this reaction from thier spouse ? And anyone found a way to get them back with you?

I (30sF) recently disclosed to my siblings that my husband and I are ENM. They were supportive and accepting overall, as I expected, but what I didn’t expect is how mononormative (or extremely hierarchical, at best) their reaction would be.

For example, because my husband wasn’t comfortable going into detail about his other connections (see my post history for context), I only shared the details of my other relationship and kept his vague/private, which led to a nearly universal expression by my siblings of loyalty to and pity for my husband because he doesn’t have a comparable relationship (they don’t know that he has dated and had sex with others casually, which is his preference).

Another example is when one sibling asked why I was even sharing this — she didn’t understand why they needed to know and said I should feel free to keep our arrangement private. I explained that I was telling them because I want to introduce them to my other partner, and they seemed confused by why I would want to. I had to explain that it is a fulsome romantic relationship, and it still didn’t really seem to click.

A final example is when one sibling asked if my husband ever wanted to close, what would happen. I said it would be a deal-breaker because veto power, or giving your spouse the power to dictate when/how you can see another partner, especially at this late stage of development of another relationship, is unethical and unfair to the other partner and sets a bad precedent. She seemed unsettled by that — like she thought a spouse should always come first and be able to “pull rank” at any time.

As a separate issue, I’ve always protected my husband’s reputation among my family and friends and not aired our dirty laundry to them because I made the mistake of doing that in a prior relationship and turning my circle against my partner as a result. Therefore, my family/friends don’t know about things that would humanize him — like the fact that he has struggled with fidelity and anger issues and doesn’t reciprocate sexually — which I think is influencing the narrative that I’m strong-arming him into practicing ENM despite the fact that he initiated it. I feel like opening up to them now about some of our struggles would only make it look like I’m throwing him under the bus to make myself look better, and I’d still feel wrong doing it because we have always promised each other to be a united front regardless of what we are working through behind closed doors.

I also worry that because my husband has over a decade of history over my other partner of 1.5 years, my family will never accept my other partner on the same level they accept my husband. I asked them to give him the same chance they would any monogamous partner I introduced to them. I tearfully explained that the reason I’m disclosing this is because my other partner doesn’t deserve to be a secret in my life, and that finally seemed to land.

Are these reactions just the burden I take on living an unconventional lifestyle, especially when it’s “uneven” from the outside looking in (since my husband prefers casual relationships and doesn’t want to share about them the way I share about mine)? Is there a way I can be explaining the arrangement better, and removing my husband from his pedestal a bit, without throwing my husband under the bus, that won’t make me look like the villain? We’ll be disclosing to my parents next, and I want to approach it better this time.

REMINDER: DO NOT COMMENT ON OR DIRECT MESSAGE USERS IN LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP.

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ORIGINAL POST June 30, 2026.

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We’ve been married for 7 years. Mostly good marriage until the last year.

My husband got promoted at work and started bringing up this one coworker [26/F] a lot.

The first time I hung out with them all outside of work, alarm bells started ringing. My husband spent the whole night entertaining her while I felt like the third wheel.

I asked husband to distance himself from coworker and he said he would implement some boundaries.

Months pass. I stop hearing about coworker. I think everything is good.

Then last week husband sat me down and said he wanted to try polyamory. He didn’t want to talk about who at first, but eventually he admitted he wanted to take coworker out on a date.

I told him I am monogamous. Our relationship has always been monogamous. I have no interest in being poly.

He asked me why I didn’t like her.

The conversation ended when I said he couldn’t have a wife and a girlfriend but he’s been moping around and crying on and off since.

I want to save my marriage but it’s not in my control. It’s up to my husband and what he wants to do next.

Nothing physical has happened yet. He hasn’t even told her about his crush yet. He said he wanted to ask me first.

I think I could forgive him for this if things change, but I don’t know what’s reasonable to ask him for. What are reasonable stipulations? Couples counseling for sure, but what else?

Tl;dr: My husband picked out the woman he wants to cheat on me with and asked me for permission. Now what?

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UPDATE July 02, 2026.

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I don’t know how to link my original post, but to summarize, my husband of 7 years wants my permission to start a relationship with his coworker. We have always been monogamous and I told him no. I came here looking for advice on how to save my marriage.

Update

I talked to our two best friends (a married couple who have been like family to my husband and I for many years) about what’s been going on.

To say they were upset on my behalf is an understatement. While I was telling them what happened, one of them started writing down her thoughts.

Once we finished talking, she had me call my husband over and she basically talked/yelled at him for being an idiot while we went through each of her bullet points basically calling out everything you all said. Starting with “Coercion isn’t a valid entrance to Polyamory,” and ending with “What are YOU going to do to fix this.“

But the most damning accusation was “You don’t want to try polyamory, you just want to fuck your coworker”

I’ve never seen someone so upset on my behalf.

My husband didn’t say much and when he did, our friend clapped back with a comment that I could tell really affected him. His whole mood changed after that.

Then I said my piece. I told him that while I may not raise my voice the way our friend had, that I felt betrayed by him. I reiterated all the points made and told him divorce was something I was seriously considering. By the time I finished, he was crying again.

Then I sent him home to think about his actions while I stayed with our friends.

I’m sure I’ll get flack for having our friends help me talk to him but I honestly felt better having their support. It made it so he couldn’t twist the situation to get me back on his side.

And it seemed to knock some sense into him because when I came home later that night, he was crying on the phone with his mom telling her about how badly he fucked up and how scared he was that I was going to leave him.

We talked again and he really seemed to grasp the severity of the situation. He scheduled us a couples therapy session and assured me I was his top priority. He said during his next shift he would talk to his coworker and tell her that if she thought anything was going on between them, it was over now and they would be strictly platonic moving forward.

Well, he came home from work last night and he hadn’t had the talk with her. Instead he doubled down on being “poly.”

He insists nothing has happened yet but that his coworker probably does think there is something between them. I asked him why she would think that and he said “by her behavior.” At this point it doesn’t matter to me either way.

He is already so in love with another woman, he is willing to break my heart.

Looks like there’s nothing left of my marriage to save. It hurts but I’m not going to beg someone to choose me.

So now we are separated while I figure out what comes next. We are in a no fault state and he has no assets. Does anyone have any advice for an uncontested divorce?

TL;DR: He decided not to choose our marriage, so I’m leaving him. Divorce advice?

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REMINDER: DO NOT COMMENT ON OR DIRECT MESSAGE TO USERS IN LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP.

The title mostly sums it up. About four years ago, my partner (then late 30s F) and I (then late 30s M) decided to open up our marriage. Back then, we knew it would change our relationship but the intent was for that change to be positive. There were areas in our sexualities we were keen to explore and we thought we had good communication.

Its been a bumpy ride. She quickly met someone and their relationship was intense to start and eventually curdled. To the point that, when she ended it, we installed a security camera and she filed paperwork with the police. I have had some fun experiences along the way, but also dealt with uncertainty and insecurity and had some of the most emotionally heavy moments of my life.

I have been trying to disentangle a jumble of threads that don't all easily connect.

When things were good between her and her partner, I don't think I felt jealousy. But I did feel that things were changing quickly between us. We eventually tried couple's counseling, where she told me she no longer wanted a physical relationship and then intimated that she no longer wanted a romantic one. Please don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I am somehow "owed" on either count. But there was no conversation, no attempt to work anything out, just a statement of facts.

When things curdled between her and her partner, she turned to me for emotional support, which i offered without reservation and have given her as much time and space as I can. But I am so tired. Sleeping in the same bed proved to be too painful for me, so I sleep in our living room. Our wedding vows hang framed above our bed still.

I would never ever want to diminish what she went through or its continuing effects. At the same time, there is a lot between us that is remains unresolved. For years now, I have felt invisible in our marriage, my love taken advantage of. Now I know there is an asymmetry between us

She dove right into the apps again when they broke up. I am not jealous so must as wistful. She has told me, repeatedly, that she wanted to work on our relationship. But, six months later, its like nothing happened. Our marriage is a lonely place.

EDIT (Fixed a couple of typos)

EDIT 2: I logged back on to so many responses that I can't really get to all of them. I appreciate the support, but will gently push back on those assuming intent or saying "just leave". It is not so simple, for both logistical and emotional reasons. I am surprised by some of the tenor here, in a subreddit about nonmonagamy, and that is not helping my feelings of shame and anxiety. I'm going to log off.

I'll keep it short as I would love to go into more details in DMs.

Basically we 10 years together, never boring sex always fun and can be adventurous. We watched some swinging stuff, and fantasies about a threesome, she's showed off to other men on cam in front of me. Both had fun.

I'm at the point I want to try more but she's playing it off as a joke I'm not sure she is fully on board yet.

I want MFM so she can have a fun time. A bigger cock pref. I'm quite into big pretty cocks but I don't like men as it were attraction to cocks and cumming only. Big loads are hot id love to watch her take one all over her body.

I just wanna see and talk to others who have been there and done it with these feelings

Over a month ago, my comet partner invited me to join him on a business trip. It was far enough from me that flying would be preferable, but driving is possible. (Roughly 850 miles each way)

He sent me a message today saying that his wife had decided she wanted to come on the trip. I would have been driving next Monday. She was unaware of our plans and very rarely joins him on business trips. Their dynamic is that family comes first and he didn't want to tell her no because he does travel quite a bit and she doesn't always get a ton of time with him either.

I get it. I really do. And I accept that family comes first. But... Fuck, man. Do you know what it took for me to make this happen? Changing doctor's appointments, taking days of work, my husband working his ass off the last couple of weeks so that he could work a shorter week when I was gone. Making arrangements so the kids had adequate child care. I had planned out which audio books to listen to and what snacks I wanted to bring.

I'm disappointed. And sad. And I miss my friend. And I love my meta, she takes such good care of our partner, but I really wish she hadn't changed the plan on me. Yes, yes, I know that my partner could also have told her no. I don't need advice. I just needed to get that out.

Edit to add: I'm not mad at comet or meta. I'm not looking to change the comet nature of the relationship. He always reminds me before inviting me to meet him that sometimes things change or emergencies happen at work so plans can change. It's happened before but on a smaller scale. He didn't tell his wife before hand because it wouldn't have affected her. They are hierarchical and that's something he told me right up front she comes first. I've accepted that.

I was just really looking forward to this trip and needed some sympathy. Thank you to those that gave me that.

I feel terrible about not being able to go along with what he wants right now, especially since we’ve just come through a rough patch in the relationship. He believes that getting involved with other people during these tense, difficult times could hurt us. I think the opposite: that being with *only* him right now and feeling "trapped" is what will actually affect me negatively.

But those difficult times were actually a domino effect triggered by him hurting me deeply—basically, he told me I was too fat and he wasn't attracted to me after I’d gained just 8kg (starting from a weight of 50kg), all while I was grieving the deaths of two people very close to me. After that, I felt like I couldn't forgive him, but... honestly, I love him. He showed genuine remorse, apologized, and understood why what he did was wrong. Getting back to the open relationship issue: it makes me sad that he’s asking for exclusivity right now, just when I don't feel entirely comfortable sharing that side of things with him. For context: I’ve always identified as non-monogamous, whereas he is monogamous. I chose monogamy with him "for a while," but that period stretched into two years—not by my choice. I’d been asking to open the relationship since day one; he wouldn't say "no," but rather "yes... but later," or "I don't know... but yeah..." So, I kept hoping we’d open it up someday once he made up his mind... and eventually, he did.

Thanks, and sorry for the long post 💗

As a long-time lurker, I could never forgive myself for failing to provide an update, and a somewhat happy update at that. Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1ufi96i/how_to_console_my_wife_about_our_impending/

My wife came home very late last night. She also took the day off work, and apparently separately met or spoke with several of her friends, as well as her sister.

The first thing she did when she walked through the door was apologize for her reaction. She was ashamed for emotionally manipulating me and attempting to seduce me. As I mentioned in several of my comments, my wife and I have discussed our disparate feelings extensively over the years, so she confessed that she knew this day was coming, although given how long we have survived as we were, she expected me to wait until the kids were out of the house, and it was just a shock to her and she could not control her emotions in the moment. Of course I told her I completely understood.

While we talk about our feelings A LOT, my wife really bared her soul to me about her shame and regret and self-hatred, we were up until the early hours of the morning just letting it all out, with a lot of crying, and a bit of laughing. She begged my forgiveness for her "selfishness" (her words) in trying to hold onto me while I was clearly struggling with our divergent feelings, and knew that our dynamic was a significant stumbling block to me finding another romantic partner. She never gave up hope that I would find someone so that we would be able to keep our current dynamic, but after so long, and so many instances of romantic partners being scared off, she anticipated we would end up here eventually. By the end of the night she did the stupid joke that if we're both single when we're 60, I have to remarry her.

Our plan is to take our time. She is going to inform her partners (the long-term ones I know and am friendly with) that we are going to be getting divorced, and she needs time to plan how to tell our kids and prepare for the financial and logistical aspects of the change, and she needs some space this summer. As our oldest is about to go to college, we decided that it would be good for us to spend some time as a family this summer (which our kids, being teenagers, will probably hate, but too bad lol), and go create some vacation memories. I don't know how well her other partners will take it, but as she offered, it's not my concern to worry about it.

The biggest immediate issue is our oldest. They saw my wife kissing one of her partners out in public while out with friends, which precipitated our discussion and disclosure. The timing of this is horrible, and no doubt our oldest will feel some responsibility, particularly after we reassured them the day before yesterday that everything was good between us. Obviously not my finest hour in parenting. We will take some time to figure out how to mitigate that and reassure them. That is our primary concern at the moment. Telling family is another issue to navigate, but it's just really nowhere near as high a priority.

I'm not going to give a play by play of our discussion, even anonymously, because there is simply too much. However, my wife asked me one question that I think might be helpful to some of the commenters on my original post. She asked whether she believed I would be satisfied with our relationship if we were still monogamous and never opened but she still generally felt the same way. Obviously the question is counterfactual so there is no real answer, and while I was tempted to lie I owed her the truth as I saw it, and I told her that I think I would have been. There are a lot of monogamous couples whose passion fades over time (I would say this seems to be the case for most over a long enough period), and whose romantic life changes into something more comforting and familiar. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I will be opening up my heart to monogamous women at some point in the future, and given the numbers will likely end up in a monogamous relationship, and the passion will likely fade with time.

Poly makes it more complicated for me, and on some basic level it's as simple as comparison, but not in the "keeping score" sense of the term, for some reason mutuality matters. It was very difficult for me to be satisfied with a passionless and relatively aromantic (as some people pointed out, these terms are ambiguous and can mean a lot of different things, but I'm using the terms that work for me) relationship with someone I'm infatuated with, while seeing that person still having passionate romantic relationships for others that outlast NRE. It's like feeling like I can't just settle into that comforting phase while my only partner is still living a romantic and passion-filled life, we just aren't on the same page. Maybe that's just insecurity, or envy, or jealousy, but it's a powerful feeling that extensive discussions and years of therapy has not been able to ameliorate.

Obviously some people, including my wife, can outsource romance and passion to others (it seems common in poly marriages), but that's never been successful for me, perhaps because of how desperately I still want those things with my wife, which my potential romantic partners flag as being problematic, and perhaps rightly so. Perhaps I'm just not made for poly, at least not with my wife involved, my feelings for her are too strong, and I don't know if I ever made enough of myself available (emotionally, although time is also very limited) for anyone else to feel secure.

In any case, we still love each other, but we are getting divorced (at some point). My wife is very sad, I am very sad, but we are also both happy for each other, and I hope this allows my wife to stop torturing herself over her inability to feel what she wants to feel for me but can't.

Thanks for all of the advice.

I am 36 years old, and my wife is 34. She is very attractive, with a beautiful face and a stunning figure. Her measurements are 89–61–90 cm, and she has around 20,000 followers on social media.
She regularly shares photos of shopping trips and travel on her social media account, and many of her posts receive several thousand likes. As a result, she often receives direct messages from men who compliment her and invite her to get acquainted, have dinner, or travel together.
She is indifferent to most of these messages, but a few handsome, muscular men have caught her attention. She asked me whether it would be acceptable for her to simply chat with them or meet them in person.
She enjoys receiving admiration and attention from attractive men and would like to experience being complimented and cherished face-to-face.
Personally, I do not mind this. In fact, I feel a sense of pride when other accomplished and attractive men admire my wife. I do not know whether other men would feel the same way.
We have agreed not to pursue any relationships with people she meets through social media, as that does not seem particularly safe.
Over the next couple of days, we are planning to visit some high-end bars. My wife intends to wear a sexy, low-cut mini dress similar to what younger women in those venues might wear, and we hope to see whether any interesting encounters happen naturally.
I will be sitting nearby and keeping an eye on things. To be honest, I find the idea quite exciting.
I am unsure whether this kind of beginning could be risky. Do you have any advice on how to explore this type of boundary-pushing open relationship?
The reality is that I cannot stop men from approaching or inviting her anyway. So I feel it may be better to allow her, within boundaries that I can oversee, to chat with attractive men and perhaps exchange hugs. We have agreed that kissing and sexual intercourse are absolutely off limits. We also will not exchange contact information with anyone.
Our sex life is very satisfying, and my wife is generally fulfilled. However, she has told me that she is also curious about what it might be like to experience different men. I understand that feeling, because I am also curious about what it would be like to be with other women. For now, though, we believe that exploring things in this way may add excitement and novelty to our relationship without actually becoming physically involved with other people.
I am not sure whether the content of this text complies with community guidelines. If any part of it does not, please remove it, but please do not suspend or ban the account. Thank you.

I am 36 years old, and my wife is 34. She is very attractive, with a beautiful face and a stunning figure. Her measurements are 89–61–90 cm, and she has around 20,000 followers on social media.
She regularly shares photos of shopping trips and travel on her social media account, and many of her posts receive several thousand likes. As a result, she often receives direct messages from men who compliment her and invite her to get acquainted, have dinner, or travel together.
She is indifferent to most of these messages, but a few handsome, muscular men have caught her attention. She asked me whether it would be acceptable for her to simply chat with them or meet them in person.
She enjoys receiving admiration and attention from attractive men and would like to experience being complimented and cherished face-to-face.
Personally, I do not mind this. In fact, I feel a sense of pride when other accomplished and attractive men admire my wife. I do not know whether other men would feel the same way.
We have agreed not to pursue any relationships with people she meets through social media, as that does not seem particularly safe.
Over the next couple of days, we are planning to visit some high-end bars. My wife intends to wear a sexy, low-cut mini dress similar to what younger women in those venues might wear, and we hope to see whether any interesting encounters happen naturally.
I will be sitting nearby and keeping an eye on things. To be honest, I find the idea quite exciting.
I am unsure whether this kind of beginning could be risky. Do you have any advice on how to explore this type of boundary-pushing open relationship?
The reality is that I cannot stop men from approaching or inviting her anyway. So I feel it may be better to allow her, within boundaries that I can oversee, to chat with attractive men and perhaps exchange hugs. We have agreed that kissing and sexual intercourse are absolutely off limits. We also will not exchange contact information with anyone.
Our sex life is very satisfying, and my wife is generally fulfilled. However, she has told me that she is also curious about what it might be like to experience different men. I understand that feeling, because I am also curious about what it would be like to be with other women. For now, though, we believe that exploring things in this way may add excitement and novelty to our relationship without actually becoming physically involved with other people.
I am not sure whether the content of this text complies with community guidelines. If any part of it does not, please remove it, but please do not suspend or ban the account. Thank you.

My partner (35M) and I (31F) have been together for 2.5 years.

For the first two years of our relationship, we were polyamorous. A few months ago, I ended my long-term relationship with another partner, and afterward I found myself unable to cope with the difficult emotions that polyamory was bringing up. It was simply too much for my nervous system at that point in my life. My partner agreed to pause polyamory so we could focus on our relationship and my healing. I mention this because I think it explains why I feel this community might better understand our relationship dynamics.

This issue isn't actually about polyamory, but I first posted it in r/relationship_advice and a lot of the responses focused on calling my partner controlling. I don't think that's a fair characterization. We make intentional agreements together, and I'm looking for perspectives on repair after breaking an agreement—not whether agreements themselves are inherently controlling.

One agreement we have is that when we're not sleeping together, we text each other goodnight before 10:30 p.m. It's important to him because it helps him feel considered and gives him peace of mind before bed.

This week, I forgot and ended up texting after 10:30 on multiple occasions. I completely understand why he's disappointed. I've apologized profusely, tried setting an alarm on my phone (which I unfortunately didn't hear because I was in a loud space), and, at his suggestion, bought a smartwatch this morning so the alarm will be visible on my wrist and hopefully prevent this from happening again.

Despite apologizing and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again, he also wants me to come up with "creative" ways to make amends that are directly related to the mistake itself (rather than something generic like flowers).

I'm genuinely willing to repair the rupture, but I'm struggling to come up with ideas. He says it's really important to him that the ideas come from me, because that's what demonstrates that I'm taking the agreement seriously. He's okay with me asking for input here on Reddit, but he doesn't want to be the one telling me what he wants me to do. I'm finding that difficult, and I'm not sure what meaningful repair looks like beyond a sincere apology and taking concrete steps to prevent it from happening again.

For those of you who intentionally negotiate agreements in your relationships, how do you approach repair when one person breaks an agreement? Any ideas for this situation specifically?