r/openmarriageregret

Hi everyone!

English is not my first langage. :)

I'm mainly looking to hear from monogamous people who are in relationships with polyamorous partners, especially those who weren't naturally comfortable with non-monogamy to begin with.

I'm deeply in love with my partner, and I really want our relationship to work. He is polyamorous and has, among other things, a sexual relationship with another person (I'll call her his "fuckfriend").

Intellectually, I don't necessarily believe that him having another relationship means that he loves me less or that our relationship is less important. I am happy that he experiences things that bring him joy and fulfillment. I also genuinely want him to be able to have his own experiences and make his own choices. I don't want to become someone who restricts his freedom simply to soothe my own insecurities or preferences.

Emotionally, it's much harder.

For example, when he tells me that he's going to see his fuckfriend, something happens inside me. I can experience a lot of distress, and sometimes I even feel as though our romantic connection has temporarily been severed. I become distant from him, and sometimes I want to cancel the plans we had together or, if I am with him, I need space for several minutes. It's not necessarily because I want to punish him or make him change his mind. It feels more like my brain is trying to protect me.

What's particularly difficult is that the distress doesn't necessarily end when the encounter is over. Sometimes just knowing that it's going to happen triggers something in me, and afterward I may need some time before I naturally feel close and connected to him again. I am naturally an anxious person, so I experience a lot of rumination, for days at a time.

And I find myself caught in what feels like an almost impossible dilemma:

1. I want this relationship to work. (Truely)
2. I don't want to restrict him or prevent him from having the experiences he wants.
3. I don't want to live in a state of ongoing suffering.

I'm having a hard time believing that these three things can actually coexist.

I'm not really looking for answers along the lines of "you just need to accept polyamory" or "if you're monogamous, you should leave." I know that ultimately, I have to figure out what I can genuinely live with and what I can't.

What I'm much more interested in is hearing from people who have actually been in a similar situation.

For those of you who are monogamous (or consider yourselves mostly monogamous) and fell in love with a polyamorous person:

• Were you able to genuinely become more comfortable with the situation?
• Did the distress decrease over time?
• Did you learn how to reconnect with your partner after they had been with someone else?
• What actually helped you?
• Were there specific boundaries or agreements that made a huge difference for you?
• How did you know that you were adapting in a healthy way, rather than simply learning to tolerate something that was hurting you?
• And for those of you for whom it ultimately didn't work: looking back, what made you realize that the relationship wasn't compatible with your needs?

I'd really love to hear from people who love their polyamorous partner and have found a way to navigate this difference, even if it was never completely easy.

I'm not necessarily trying to become "100% comfortable" with everything. I'm wondering whether it's possible to build a relationship where I can be genuinely okay overall, even if some aspects remain difficult.

Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share their experience. ♡

THANKS FOR ALL THE ADVICE!

I'm going to start reaching out to therapists today to schedule an appointment, as my personal issues are clearly a big part of this, and need to be worked on regardless. I really appreciate everyone who tried to help.

Lots of pushing for open marriage/exploration which I don’t want bit he’s been fixated.
Went to therapy. Big focus on what I don’t bring to the relationship in terms of sex.
Makes me feel inadequate and says he is unfulfilled.
We have regular sex but he’s just mot satisfied.
Searched his phone as I knew something was going on and found multiple apps.
I would not have found out had i not searched.
Saying he did it for us.
Happy to make me feel like I’m the problem all this time.
There’s more than likely a lot more I don’t know.
Advise please.

I (24F) have a partner (27M), we have been together for 4,5 years. We are in an open relationship. We have had out ups and downs, especially regarding our intimate life in the last year. We have talked about it several times, but haven’t properly resolved it.

I count it mostly to the fact that he had mental crisis resulting in medication, and my breakthrough in therapy regarding my past SA, which brought its own complications.

In May, I wrote an off handed message to my friend, in which I said that I feel like our intimate life has disappeared. I was venting and I forgot what I wrote basically immediately. It was in an private conversation.

My partner had to use my computer when he was at my place when I was in the shower. The messaging app that I use automatically opened up. He has seen said message since it was on the top.

I did my best to explain that I did not mean it, that I was just venting and I do not consider that part of our relationship gone. He is experiencing trust issues since then, frankly, and I try to provide reassurance as much as I can.

But he has not let it go. He occasionally mentions it in arguments. He claims that I should’ve never sent the message. I refused to apologise for it, because while I understand it hurt him, it was a private conversation that he was never supposed to see. He says he now cannot properly trust me, since I sometimes say things I don’t mean.

AITA?

Please be gentle friends. I am at my damn breaking point today.
My area just had the storm of the century. Flooding, no power, no internet, intermittent cell service. I am married and have two other partners. And every single one of them has absolutely let me down.
My husband is just a helpless human and can’t figure out how to do basic things on his own. Despite me warning over and over not to leave his vehicle on empty, now we have no way to use it because we literally can’t get gas. Luckily my vehicle is electric and I keep it fully charged so we have been able to use that for now. But without power who knows how long it will last. I have had to figure out every little thing. I have had to make every little decision. I feel more like his mother than his wife.
We decided to drop our kid off and I would find a place to stay. He had to work early so was forced to stay home. I called my partner of 6 months and explained the situation and he said I could come there in a few days but he had a first date. Maybe it’s unfair to think he would put my desperation first but that fact that he didn’t even consider it changes the way I see him.
My other ‘partner’ and I went our separate ways months ago because he was always too busy with work, never prioritized me and I didn’t like feeling disposable after a year and a half. Then he contacted me out of the blue to ask me out and tell me his capacity had changed due to a work project shifting and he wanted to start again. We went out, had a great time and have barely spoken since. There is no way he doesn’t know my area got hit and hasn’t checked on me at all.
I am apparently horrible at choosing men who actually give a fuck about me and Im about two seconds from checking myself into a little grippy sock vacation.
Maybe poly isn’t for me if I can’t even get it right once let alone three times.

Eta: my actual house has a foot of water in it. Which is what I mean by flooding. We have no way to store food or to cook it. Most of our trees are down, including one through a window. The area has been declared a state of emergency. So yes, it really is an emergency.

Edit 2: because so many of you are wonderful and have checked in I just wanted to give you a quick update. The National Guard has arrived and is advising us to leave our neighborhood. I guess there was a gas explosion and someone died. 😬 Unfortunately with price gouging hotels, and gas are crazy right now so I still haven’t 100% decided what I’m going to do. But my kiddo is having a great time at his grandmother’s with the cousins. They think it’s a sleepover and he is safe so that that’s all that really matters. The rest… whatever happens happens. Thank you for your support!

I've wanted this for him for years. I am happy for him. I didn't know that it would come with so many feelings for me. It feels like we have to have some kind of conversation or talk every single day. I'm happy we communicate like we do but I'm tired of feeling like we always have to have some kind of talk because of my feelings. I'm happy for him and I'm sad I get less time. I'm sad I can call him when I miss him or when I just want company on a long drive because he's with her. I'm sad there are times when he's low and I don't get to be there to comfort him. Im frustrated that something I wanted for him for so long has been so hard for me. I'm frustrated I can't always show him how happy I am for him. I'm frustrated that there are things that bother me that I don't even feel I have the right to voice because I know I've done them with other partners. I'm frustrated there is so much change I have to adjust to. I'm mad at myself for feeling any negativity at all

I had to get this off my chest and didn't know where else to do it. Hopefully it makes sense, it is a mix of personal knowledge and second/thirdhand knowledge which might make it a bit confusing. Please bear with me with the first part because it is relevant, I promise.

So, I am a polyandrist. It didn't start that way, but it is where things ended up. My relationship started with my now-husband claiming from the start of us daying to not care if I saw other people, but not wanting to do so himself. Ten years later it remained that way. I didn't really take him up on it until four years ago when I met my second partner, and after a period of trying poly himself (he had been introduced by the woman before me), he decided to also be monogamous as it just wasn't worth the stress of maintaining multiple partners. I do not date anyone else and we are a closed unit. So, we are not "open" in any regard, and we are a rarity even in the poly world. But we are all happy and went into it with eyes wide open, no convincing anyone of anything, as it should be.

I met a man who was a friend of a friend and part of a couple. His wife was not in attendance as she had another event with her own friends. He apparently heard another friend of mine ask about my partners, who were hanging out in other parts of the party, and he was fascinated. He started asking all these question, wanting to know how it happened, why my guys didn't also have other partners, how it worked. If they had relations with each other, jealousy, etc. I am pretty used to this response, so I answered the questions honestly.

He starts talking about how cool it is, how he didn't know that was a thing (really? Pretty sure you have at least heard of polygamy, my guy), and how he knows his wife would never want to sleep with another man but he had always wanted an open relationship. Which I read as him saying he wanted to cheat on his wife, frankly.

Alarm bells (and a bit of ick) rang at this and I was very clear: this kind of lifestyle is not for everyone, or even most. It is also very, very rare that monogamous couples successfully make the transition to any kind of ENM dynamic. Especially if just one is bringing it up to the other, and even more especially if you already know your partner won't like it. He said, "I bet I could convince her, though."

Again, ick. I explained the concept of coersion versus consent and said in no uncertain terms this was a quick pathway to divorce. He wasn't listening, and then asked me the question I hate above any other and get from way too many men: would I ever consider getting a third partner? And a few comments about how attractive I was and how he had always liked "girls like you". I assume he meant alternative in style, but who fucking knows.

I stopped talking to him at that point and spent the night making fun of him via text to my husbands, who were also at the party. At one point the guy went to go talk to one of them but he brushed him off and he didn't try with the other who was busy in a conversation about Raspberry Pi devices and was impenetrable for other topics.

I didn't think about him again until my friend who he was there with and I had coffee. Turns out, the idiot went right to his wife that night, drunk, and ambushed her with a demand they open their relationship. Or, really, HE be allowed to open the relationship, while she remains faithful to him. Apparently he had been ranting about doing this as my friend drove him home and wouldn't be convinced otherwise.

She was crushed, obviously. My friend's GF is close to her and she told him later that she thought he was juat drunk but it hurt her a lot..it hurt her worse when the next morning he doubled down. And who did he blame for this incredible idea? Me. A woman who had an arrangement he was jealous of and who told him, clearly, DO NOT SUGGEST THIS TO YOUR POOR WIFE YOU SELFISH WASTE!

At first she was furious with me, I guess, but the GF explained what I told my friend had happened that night. At which point she realized she was unfortunately married to a selfish, hateful jerk who didn't care about her feelings. Worse, she found him on dating apps shortly after so he had enacted this idea while "waiting for her to come around" so he "was ready to start this new chapter".

The sickest part is they have four kids. He blew up his entire life, her entire life and their entire life over a single conversation with a stranger. She has left him and my friend says she is planning to file. I suspect this was more the final straw in a line of issues, but even if it wasn't, it would be enough for me, too.

I am a polyandrist, as I said. But even I know these arrangements, however they operate, rarely work successfully. They definitely don't if the two aren't on the same page and want it equally. I don't know if I have ever seen a couple work longterm as open when they started out in a closed dynamic. I am infuriated to have been made the trigger of this poor woman and her children having their world's turned upside-down.

The good news is the poly community is small here. Word already seems to be getting around already (I may have had a little to do with that, tbh). I think he will find that whatever little success he *might* have had before that will be even smaller now.

ETA: It just occurred to me that she could find her way to this subreddit someday. I assume if this happened to you, you will recognize the details so just let me say: I am so sorry. Your STBX is a horrible husband and father and I hope you drag him over the coals in the divorce then find a man who is kinder, hotter and way better in bed (I am just going to assume he sucks at sex, he seems the type). I also hope everything gets better immediately for you and your little ones.

My husband and I opened our marriage 3 months ago. He was the one who introduced this idea to me 6 months back. It started as fantasy talks to spice our sex life.

To give some context we have been married for 6 years and we moved to a new country a year ago for his work and I am on a dependent visa. It is a non English speaking country and hence it was very difficult for me to find a job or any friends and I grew lonely at home which ultimately got me depressed. This took a toll on our relationship and sex life. He doesn’t think I have depression and doesn’t know how to help me either so I’m mostly met with avoidance instead of care.

My love language is physical touch and words of affirmations both of which he shuts the moment he sees me sad or crying. As I knew I wasn’t getting any support from him I joined an expats interest group which gave me some hope and a change that slowly started to ease my mind. That in turn made him relax and he slowly started making me realize how much he needs to be sexually active to ease his mind from frustration. He started telling me about his fantasies and started to talk a lot about MMF which I was highly uncomfortable with in the beginning. He started making me watch porn videos specific to this and started telling me how much it would turn him on to see another man being with me. He’s super straight and he was doing this to get me to be comfortable with an FFM later as that’s his interest. At first since it was only talks I eased into it and started enjoying the attention I was receiving from him. Later we went on a trip where he started telling me how good he felt when he saw men checking me out and he created a tinder account for me and said it’s just to spice things up and it’s only for flirting and conversations. The response on the app was overwhelming for me and he said I don’t have to meet anyone. just have conversations. Which was very exciting for him and that brought some excitement into our life. Once we were back to our city he encouraged me to match again with people in my city and I matched with a guy who was traveling. We had great conversations about life and things that interests me and I felt good talking to another person. He asked me out on a date and my husband asked me to go and meet him. I was skeptical at first but he gave me the assurance that this was just to make our life more interesting. I met this guy and he was great. We spent time talking about a lot of things and I had already told him that I’m married. He was very kind and respectful and we got along well. I had gone to meet him knowing I won’t be having any sort of sexual relationship with him so once it was time for me to leave I left. But he said he liked my company and would like to keep talking as he was from another city. We talked for a while and it was great to have someone who spoke the same love language or understand my feelings and be caring. Later he said he would like to see me again and have something more and my husband said he’s totally okay with it and encouraged me to visit him in his city. A part of me wanted to and the other part didn’t. My husband told me that he wanted me to have sex and come back and tell him everything and that would excite him a lot. I believed him, so I went with zero guilt.

My husband had also installed tinder but he wasn’t able to find matches as the city we stay is pretty conservative and girls are mostly looking for something long term or marriage. And since he had mentioned in his profile that he’s in an ENM he wasn’t getting any matches.

I went to meet the other guy and I spent two days with him and I won’t lie I felt great. I felt seen, loved, understood and beautiful. He was a great guy who knew what to say and do. But for me it was very clear that it was just a one time thing to get things exciting for my marriage. I came home excited to share my experience and I saw my husband terribly heartbroken and sad. He said he thought he could handle it but it broke him to think I was with someone else. I can’t tell you how much that shattered me as now I stood there in front of him after sleeping with another guy. The guilt drove me crazy and I tried my best to console him and myself for what had happened. Meanwhile he matched with a girl who he was texting a lot to distract himself from this thought. He started spending less time talking to me and more time texting this girl as he said it was helping him cope up.

My husband usually never texts me or say anything naughty during the day which are things I really like, but I had accepted the fact that it wasn’t his way and he always said he was busy at work and being an introvert I thought it wasn’t natural for him. But now I saw him doing things he never did with me with this girl. Being attentive, caring, flirty, texting in between work, all the things I loved and wanted but never got. But I still tried to reason my making myself believe that he was doing all this because I hurt him.
Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and I told him we need to set some boundaries as it’s important if we are to go forward with this. He was very hostile to the things I mentioned to him. I asked him why I wasn’t getting any of this care or attention and I told him how it hurt me too. All I expected was for him to give me some attention and love too , I was okay with him meeting other women but not be so involved. He justified saying that he had to be involved like that as women won’t respond otherwise. I felt it was unfair as I was keeping things very straightforward and casual with the men I spoke to. So we had a crazy fight as I told him that I wanted us to put a pause on ENM and figure things out as it was affecting our marriage. The fight really hurt us both and for some reason the girl he was talking to ended things with him saying she is not comfortable seeing a married man. After a few days things got better between us and he again initiated for an MMF and we met a guy and it went great. My husband was very happy and he enjoyed it a lot and I thought things were going to be okay. But after that I didn’t actively talk to anyone as I was quite happy with where we were as a couple and didn’t feel the need. Meanwhile my husband was getting more frustrated with him not matching with any girl because of the married label. One of the rules I had explicitly told him was that we wouldn’t see anyone from our native country.
He went on to match with a girl living in a different country but originally from our native country. At first I didn’t think anything of it, but now they are super close and he has also stopped sharing details with me. He has started hiding the notifications and his body language tenses up as soon as I’m near him when he’s texting her. They plan to meet in November and she’s in a marriage where she’s separated from her partner.

We had a big fight yesterday where I said that I expect transparency and honesty and he said he doesn’t wanna share because I will create problems. I’m not sure who is right or wrong here.
At this point all I want is to be able to fix our relationship before we proceed to explore and he’s not willing to do that. He said if that’s the case we can end our relationship.
When I cried he said he doesn’t want to see my drama. He has been texting her throughout the day even when I was crying or feeling low the whole day.
He expects me to amend my ways and keep this relationship going.
Please guide me I’m not sure what to do anymore.

My husband, twice now, has forgotten me at work to have sex with his partner. Two different partners, two different times, but weeks apart. First time was just forgetting visiting me at work after I said I wasn't "doing good" mentally (a lot behind that), second time my car was broken down so he willingly dropped me off and just... forgot me at work. An hour away from home. Completely.

Last weekend is when it happened the most recent, and most tragic. He didnt even remember me until it was TIME to pick me up from work, he knew how upset I was and we had a conversation already about this before. I was made a fool once, and now twice for his sex.

Im 37 weeks pregnant now, and stuck on this. This weekend he said he'd take me on a date, rekindle us, and no thinking required on my behalf. Im mostly the decision maker in the relationship and he knows I hate being the only one to make them, especially with how pregnant I am. Well anyways, he forgot to plan it. Didnt put effort in for a last minute thing. The one thing he did have which relieved a lot of my pregnancy symptoms (swimming) and he cancelled that and he didn't even want to do so instead he said he wanted to fish.

Im outdoorsy but it's so hot and the last time he tried to fish and had me come with him ("tried" because the line was wrong for the rod, not because I was there) I didnt partake at all and didnt want to. He knew this. He knew I didnt want to fish right now.

We didnt do anything in the end and I ended up doing the work for maybe getting us a house soon instead.

And now to rewind a bit to the conversation after the second time he forgot me and he knew how close I was to taking a break on our relationship, I told him enough polyamory for now till we can fix the relationship. He agreed.

Fast forward to now and he's still talking to the girl that he was having sex with the second time he forgot me, and even sent a photo of us fucking (not uncommon, was fine with it initially with the idea all he sent was the photo) with the caption "Thinking of you" while balls deep in my pussy, gripping my ass.

Am I too immature? Am I too hormonal right now? Am I going crazy? Why am I ALWAYS the side piece? Like yes I am fine with not being the only one, the sex is only slightly an issue as in it shouldn't have you forgetting about me but it's not all that for me, it's the continuously FORGETTING completely.

Im heartbroken and dont know what to do at this point. I just want some love, and I cant even get that if it isnt something he loves and wants to do too. I want something sacrifice like Ive sacrificed for him and Ive TOLD him this, and still nothing.

Im not even worth a planned date.

Greetings everyone,

The r/OpenMarriageRegret community has just crossed the 35,000 registered members threshold. Thank you to everyone that have helped raise awareness of this community and the perils of non-mono relationships in general.

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Community input is being requested on the creation of a glossary of common terms and acronyms:

The current glossary of common terms and phrases (Work in progress):

Term	Translation (Formal)	OMR Translation (Satire)
Ace, Asexual	Asexual, a person that has low/no desire for sexual intimacy.	-
Agender	A person that feels that neither binary gender applies to them.	-
Anchor Partner	The “Central” figure in a person’s life (i.e.: Spouse).	-
Aromantic	Having low or nonexistent romantic imperative or interest.	-
Barriers	Physical protection to the exchange of sexual fluids (typically condoms).	-
Bisexual	A person who has attraction to both sexes.	-
Chosen Family	People that are chosen to be one’s family in place of blood-related family members.	-
Cis, Cisgender	A person that identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.	-
Closed Polycule, Polyfidelitous Relationship, Polyfi	Groups of people who have decided not to see people outside of their existing relationship networks.	-
Comet	A long-distance relationship where the partners only meet in person rarely.	-
Compersion	Happiness at the joy of one’s partner.	-
Consensual Non-Monogamy, non-mono	A relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consenting to some form of non-monogamy	-
Cowboy, Cowgirl, Cowpoke	Someone who acts polyamorous and then after forming a relationship, tries to remove their partner from the polycule to be monogamous with them.	-
DADT	“Don't Ask, Don't Tell”.	-
Demiromantic, Demi	A person who only has romantic attraction with people who they already have an emotional connection to.	-
Dyad	A relationship of two people, either monogamous or the relationship between any two people.	-
ERE	Established Relationship Energy, opposite of “New Relationship Energy” (NRE). The comfortable feeling of a longer-term relationship.	-
Fluid Bonding	Intentionally not using barriers for sexual activities in order to exchange potentially hazardous fluids.	-
Friend-With-Benefits, FWB	A sexual relationship with someone that is not a remonatic connection	-
Genderqueer	A person who identifies as outside the categories of man and woman.	-
Heterosexual	Having sexual attraction to the opposite binary gender.	-
Hierarchical Relationships	Relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting.	-
Hinge	The shared partner between two people.	-
Homosexual	Having sexual attraction to people with one’s own gender identity.	-
Kitchen Table Polyamory, KTP	A style of relationship in which the interrelationship of a network, and the integration of multiple romantic relationships into one life or group, is prioritized.	-
LDR	“Long Distance Relationship”. A relationship where the partners are physically distant from one another.	-
Limerance	A romantic attraction to another person that includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship	-
LTR	“Long Term Relationship”	-
Metamour, Meta	The other partner of one’s partner.	-
Nesting Partner	A partner with whom one shares a home.	-
NRE	“New Relationship Energy”. Excitement that comes with a new relationship and its early stages, the result of oxcytocin and vasopressin. Similar to “Limerance”.	-
Nonbinary, NB, enby	A person that feels neither binary gender applies to them.	-
Non-Hierarchical Relationship	Relationships that attempt equal autonomy and standing of relationships rather than prioritizing one over another.	-
One Penis/Vagina Policy	Firmly enforced rules that there can only be one penis-having or one vagina-having individual in a relationship network.	-
Open Polycule	A relationship where people are welcome to search for additional partners and enter into new relationships.	-
Pansexual	Having sexual attraction to all genders.	-
Parallel Polyamory	A relationship in which each individual relationship exists largely independent of either partner’s additional romantic or sexual relationships.	-
Paramour	A term for one’s partner.	-
Platonic Life Partner	A partner with whom one may not be romantic or sexual, but to whom one has made lifelong commitments which may include things like cohabiting and coparenting.	-
Polycule	Groups larger than four people sharing relationship partners.	-
Polysexual	Having sexual attraction to many but not all genders.	-
Primary	The prioritized relationship or partner in a hierarchical set-up.	-
Quad	A four person relationship network where all the parties are romantically interconnected.	-
Relationship Anarchy, RA	A relationship structure that lacks individual definition or labels.	-
Secondary Relationship/Partner	Additional partners or relationships beyond the primary ones in a hierarchical network.	-
Solo Polyamory	An individual that chooses to be their own “primary partner,” building connections without the potential for other partners to escalate into more serious relationships.	-
Throuple, Triad	A relationship of three people, all of whom are romantically involved with one another.	-
Unicorn	A bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple on terms set primarily by that couple’s agreements.	-
Unicorn Hunter	Couples who seek a bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple, often used to negatively impact young bisexual women new to polyamory.	-

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Would you say something if your partner took you on a mediocre date and then took meta on a much nicer date the next day?

Context:
My boyfriend and I have been together almost a year, and he is also married. He has had very little time for taking either of us on dates this year and I usually only see him every other week for 2-3 hours lately. I had asked him to set aside time this weekend so we could do something for my birthday, which will be the first of either of our birthdays since we’ve been in a relationship so this is new territory. He knows I’ve been itching to go on dates so that has been communicated although I didn’t specify what exactly I wanted, mostly because the type of date doesn’t matter as much as dedicating the time and making me feel special/connected.

Anyway, he did set aside time for me and came over for our first sleepover in months and told me we’d have a dinner date. Great, except he didn’t really plan the date, it was more like dinner rolled around and he asked what sounded good. Fine, I guess? I had not asked for anything specific, so maybe this was my mistake in assuming he’d plan something for me just because it was my birthday. Not really a big deal, kinda disappointing but next time I’ll be more specific about what I want. We went to a casual restaurant, wore casual clothes, basically a typical Friday night dinner nothing crazy.

Except the next night he posts on his socials photos from the date he took his wife on, with flowers, nice clothes, a fun little event. I’m… jealous. Like, so jealous. It’s entirely possible that his wife planned this date, asked to take photos, etc and normally I’d be thrilled to see them getting the time to go do something fun. But like, it was my birthday and he didn’t really plan anything. I know he doesn’t really celebrate his own birthday, and I didn’t really specify what I was looking for.

Do I hold off and be more specific about what I want next time we try to plan something? Or should I say something and let him know I’m feeling kind of upset about the lack of effort? How should I bring this up in a way that doesn’t center my jealousy, because it’s obviously not really about what someone else got but rather about wanting to feel special in my own right?

Another bit of context that may or may not be relevant, he did suffer a TBI a few years ago and struggles with memory issues among other things. I have seen him forget things often, so I know this isn’t an excuse although he could easily use it as one even if he hadn’t actually forgotten. His reaction when I did mention, “it’s my birthday and you didn’t plan anything?” was that it’s not my birthday yet until this upcoming week, which I thought was an odd response and made me think maybe he forgot that I had told him these were specifically birthday plans. Do I wait until after my actual birthday passes this week, so he has a chance to do something if that was the case?

Kind of rambling on a bit too much about what is ultimately not a huge issue but I also want to add that I do have lots of close family and friends who I will also be celebrating with, so I am not relying totally on him to make me feel special or anything, but I am a twin so most of these other celebrations are shared and usually with a partner is the only time I get to really do what I want without having to consider what my twin wants to do, so it’s kind of important to me. Twin complex from growing up with a twin with polar opposite interests, I guess.

I’m 34M, married for 5 years to my wife (30F). I’m posting this because I genuinely don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore, and I’m hoping people who have been through something similar can give me an honest perspective.

For the last 2 years, our marriage has been struggling.

My wife has been going through a difficult phase professionally for around 4 years. Initially, she wasn’t very serious about her career, but over the last couple of years she realised how important it is to her. Unfortunately, the struggle and frustration seem to have changed her personality.

She has become very short-tempered and often takes out her frustration on me. I have tried to calm her down and support her, but over time I started feeling less like a husband and more like a punching bag.

There have also been frequent arguments between her and my family, which has put me in a very difficult position emotionally.

I’m not saying I handled everything perfectly. I didn’t.

We did try communicating about our problems several times. We discussed what was hurting both of us and tried to improve things, but nothing really changed. Eventually, I became emotionally exhausted.

Then, about 7 months ago, I met another woman.

She is around 10–12 years older than me and lives in a different state. She is also divorced.

Initially, we simply had amazing intellectual conversations. Somehow, without either of us really planning it, we became emotionally attached and started dating.

There was no physical relationship. But emotionally, I became very attached to her.

And here is where I know I messed up.

When I was talking to her, I stopped thinking so much about how unhappy I was in my marriage. Her company made me feel understood, appreciated and emotionally alive again. For a while, I didn't feel like I was constantly dealing with conflict.

She eventually decided that she wanted to move forward with her life and settle down. She ended things.

And now that she is gone, I miss her terribly.

I'm back to square one.

The problems in my marriage are still there, but now I've also lost the person who had become my emotional escape.

I know some people will say, "You cheated. What did you expect?"

And honestly, I can't completely disagree.

I take responsibility for that.

But what I'm struggling with is understanding what I should do now.

Do I try one more time to repair my marriage, even though previous attempts at communication haven't worked?

Do I consider separation if we genuinely cannot make each other happy anymore?

Should I tell my wife about the other woman, knowing that it could completely destroy whatever chance we have of repairing things?

And how do I deal with missing someone who is no longer part of my life?

Part of me wonders whether I genuinely loved this woman, or whether I became attached because I was emotionally starved in my marriage. Maybe it was both.

I don't want to make a life-changing decision simply because I'm hurting right now.

At the same time, I don't want to spend another 5–10 years in an unhappy marriage just because I'm afraid of making a difficult decision.

I'm not looking for people to tell me that I'm right. I know I've made mistakes.

I'm looking for genuine advice from people who have experienced emotional affairs, broken marriages, separation, reconciliation, or something similar.

tl;dr

If you were in my position, what would you do?

And if you've been through something like this, what do you wish someone had told you at the time?

Summary:

A 34M married for 5 years is struggling in a strained marriage due to his wife’s career stress, resulting in frequent conflict and emotional exhaustion.He emotionally connected with another older divorced woman during this period, leading to a non-physical but deep emotional affair.The affair provided him comfort and relief from marital stress, but ended when she chose to move on and settle down.Now he feels lost, missing her while still facing unresolved issues in his marriage and guilt over his emotional infidelity.He is seeking advice on whether to repair his marriage, consider separation, disclose the affair, and how to cope with his emotional attachment.

Last year I made a post about how my marriage failed basically due to a number of things, but I detailed how in the last year we tried to open the marriage and basically how I got screwed and poly was used as a cover for her cheating. I loved documenting my collapse in real time for the Internet and have no regrets.

We separated and i moved out. I found full time work as a homeless drug addict but fortunately I quit that job and the last 7 months I've been dating a really lovely but rather avoidant tall brunette.

New woman has a host of other issues and I struggle with trying to please, needing her to quell my anxiety, getting attached and not seeing her the way she wants to be seen.

I've been working on less is more, yes when I back off she chases me but ultimately that won't make either of us happy.. probably going to see if I can get any help from reddit to love and bond with my avoidant lover.

Still alive, still monogamous and proud to be drug free.

I've been reading this sub for a while, and I realise I'm very vague on the poly terms. Nesting partner is presumably the one you live with

What's a meta? Etc etc

My sister (31F) has been in a relationship on and off for 8 years, and her partner is proposing in the next few weeks. I recently learned they are open and will continue to be into the marriage, and I don’t understand or agree with it, but I am trying to be supportive of her while being straightforward about how I feel. Looking for some perspective

I've been married for a long time. Recently my husband "married" another woman, much younger than me and now we all live in the same house. It seems to me that he favoures his new wife and I feel put aside. He spends most of the nights in this new wives bedroom. I'm considering having a single room and a single bed for the three of us. How do I deal with this?