u/Bucky2015

Please be gentle friends. I am at my damn breaking point today.
My area just had the storm of the century. Flooding, no power, no internet, intermittent cell service. I am married and have two other partners. And every single one of them has absolutely let me down.
My husband is just a helpless human and can’t figure out how to do basic things on his own. Despite me warning over and over not to leave his vehicle on empty, now we have no way to use it because we literally can’t get gas. Luckily my vehicle is electric and I keep it fully charged so we have been able to use that for now. But without power who knows how long it will last. I have had to figure out every little thing. I have had to make every little decision. I feel more like his mother than his wife.
We decided to drop our kid off and I would find a place to stay. He had to work early so was forced to stay home. I called my partner of 6 months and explained the situation and he said I could come there in a few days but he had a first date. Maybe it’s unfair to think he would put my desperation first but that fact that he didn’t even consider it changes the way I see him.
My other ‘partner’ and I went our separate ways months ago because he was always too busy with work, never prioritized me and I didn’t like feeling disposable after a year and a half. Then he contacted me out of the blue to ask me out and tell me his capacity had changed due to a work project shifting and he wanted to start again. We went out, had a great time and have barely spoken since. There is no way he doesn’t know my area got hit and hasn’t checked on me at all.
I am apparently horrible at choosing men who actually give a fuck about me and Im about two seconds from checking myself into a little grippy sock vacation.
Maybe poly isn’t for me if I can’t even get it right once let alone three times.

Eta: my actual house has a foot of water in it. Which is what I mean by flooding. We have no way to store food or to cook it. Most of our trees are down, including one through a window. The area has been declared a state of emergency. So yes, it really is an emergency.

Edit 2: because so many of you are wonderful and have checked in I just wanted to give you a quick update. The National Guard has arrived and is advising us to leave our neighborhood. I guess there was a gas explosion and someone died. 😬 Unfortunately with price gouging hotels, and gas are crazy right now so I still haven’t 100% decided what I’m going to do. But my kiddo is having a great time at his grandmother’s with the cousins. They think it’s a sleepover and he is safe so that that’s all that really matters. The rest… whatever happens happens. Thank you for your support!

I've wanted this for him for years. I am happy for him. I didn't know that it would come with so many feelings for me. It feels like we have to have some kind of conversation or talk every single day. I'm happy we communicate like we do but I'm tired of feeling like we always have to have some kind of talk because of my feelings. I'm happy for him and I'm sad I get less time. I'm sad I can call him when I miss him or when I just want company on a long drive because he's with her. I'm sad there are times when he's low and I don't get to be there to comfort him. Im frustrated that something I wanted for him for so long has been so hard for me. I'm frustrated I can't always show him how happy I am for him. I'm frustrated that there are things that bother me that I don't even feel I have the right to voice because I know I've done them with other partners. I'm frustrated there is so much change I have to adjust to. I'm mad at myself for feeling any negativity at all

Hallo everyone,

Throw-Away account here. 🤗

I am in dire need of some advice, possibly by people that have been in a situation as similar to mine as possible - but honestly, any advice will help me now what-so-ever.

My partner (lets call her fake-name-Sarah) and I have been in a polyamorous relationship roughly for the last 3 years; in total, we have been together for 8+ years. We love each other, even if we had our ups and downs. Before opening the relationship, we had a big fight about the future of our relationship, especially concerning the topic of having kids.

She didn't want any. I wanted some.

There is no compromise there, so we agreed, after a tough time, to have none.

It took me a while, but I am a person with 10.000 hobbies (one of which D&D, and that takes away a lot of time!), varied interests and dozens of friends I like to spend my time with, so by now, I'm fine with this choice and I had buried the thought.

As a result of this tough time I mentioned, Sarah wanted to open the relationship and experience love in more than our monogamous way. I struggled with that initially, but over time I warmed up to it.

Not long after the official opening, I met an old friend of mine (fake name: Tracy), and we slowly got closer.

Tracy is roughly 10 years younger than me and told me she was also looking for a poly-amorous or open relationship, since she didn't plan to stay in town for long anyway. She was finishing her master's thesis and would then look for a job in the Netherlands (I live in Germany, ~2 hours away from the border). Still, we got along well, flirted, reconnected... One thing led to another and we got together. Tracy and I have been together now for a bit more than 2 years.

While Sarah - who proposed to open the relationship - was initially against Tracy because she was "too young" and "too inexperienced" she warmed up to the idea after a while and gave me her blessing. Sarah is still struggling to find her footing in her poly-life, she has two situationships, but one of those is not progressing much because he doesn't seem to be interested, and the other one is not progressing much either, because my Sarah isn't as interested in her, but they "get along well" so "lets try". In short, she is not getting as much of the poly-amory lifestyle as she dreamed of. On my side, everything is well, instead; while I don't have the depths of feelings for Tracy that I have for Sarah (2 years vs. 8+ years is the main reason there), we get along well, have many hobbies in common and generally speaking are on good terms.

Now, I work in the automotive industry, and Sarah works in the same company as I, different department. We can see each other at work, but not without some organisation behind it. Tracy currently has no job and has been trying to finish her studies for the last three years, unsuccessfully. She also tried to apply for a job for half that time, unsuccessfully. She lives in her mother's apartment's attic, where she has her childhood room, which is big and has a separate bathroom, but isn't really much of a living space all things considered. She inherited some money from her father when he passed away some years ago, but funds are dwindling.

Tracy and I talked about the topic of kids within the first 6 months of our relationship, but postponed any serious talks to "after she has a job, her own room, and her own life", which I don't feel like she has right now, and which I felt like she agreed on, with me. She also repeatedly reassured me, she did not want to have any kids in a situation like this. Distance would also be a problem, since her income is limited and she lives 20 minutes away from the next-big city and the city I live in. Every time we see each other, one has to drive for 40 minutes total back and forth.

That was the intro, but since you read the title, you can see, it will get more complicated.

Tracy revealed to me that she is pregnant with my kid a week ago. I have no reason to doubt it is mine. Yet she told me it is already in the 12th week now, and she cannot abort, even if she wanted to. Of course, this goes against everything we discussed, which she is simply brushing off with a "but I know at some point you wanted kids". There is a lot more behind that, I could go in more detail, but it serves no purpose at this point and I'd rather leave it at that. Her gynaecologist gave her 15 minutes to decide whether to abort or not and while her choice baffles me under the situation she is in and we are in, I understand that one can be paralysed in a moment like that, especially if she had already seen an echography of the kid.

Fact is, she will have the kid, and I am the father.

Since I am not an asshole, I will recognise my duties about this and do my best to help.

The real issue is now with Sarah. She never wanted kids, and is not fine with Tracy's decision about it. She sees this choice of Tracy as a "she destroyed my life", because she now has the choice of "spending less time with me than ever before" but stay with me or "leave me entirely to make way for the kid and mother that will need all of my time" and break up the 8+ years relationship. I see where she comes from. I am also aware, that many things will change.

Yet, in my foolishness, I still believe that this configuration can work. Sarah and I have an amazing communication, we built an amazing life in the house we live in, and I just refuse to give up on that. As furious as I am with Tracy about her choice, I also understand her, and - as mentioned above - I will not be an asshole an disappear from her and the kid's life.

Neither Sarah nor Tracy want the three of us to move together. Tracy could not handle the life in the common house, Sarah wants our house to remain our house. Tracy has no money to move out of her mother's place and won't have a job in the foreseeable future. We live in Germany, so the social-state will help Tracy out, give her money and - if she requests it - a place to stay, but the truth is, she will stay at her mom's place for a while.

In all of this, I am risking losing Sarah, potentially losing Tracy to prefer Sarah, and somehow having to come up with a way to not be an asshole to this kid I helped create.

Is there any advice anyone can give me on how to manage this giant mess of a situation I am in? Has anyone been or heard of anything even remotely close? We cannot be the only ones on the planet in such a thing, right?

I would be grateful for any words from you guys!

Over a month ago, my comet partner invited me to join him on a business trip. It was far enough from me that flying would be preferable, but driving is possible. (Roughly 850 miles each way)

He sent me a message today saying that his wife had decided she wanted to come on the trip. I would have been driving next Monday. She was unaware of our plans and very rarely joins him on business trips. Their dynamic is that family comes first and he didn't want to tell her no because he does travel quite a bit and she doesn't always get a ton of time with him either.

I get it. I really do. And I accept that family comes first. But... Fuck, man. Do you know what it took for me to make this happen? Changing doctor's appointments, taking days of work, my husband working his ass off the last couple of weeks so that he could work a shorter week when I was gone. Making arrangements so the kids had adequate child care. I had planned out which audio books to listen to and what snacks I wanted to bring.

I'm disappointed. And sad. And I miss my friend. And I love my meta, she takes such good care of our partner, but I really wish she hadn't changed the plan on me. Yes, yes, I know that my partner could also have told her no. I don't need advice. I just needed to get that out.

Edit to add: I'm not mad at comet or meta. I'm not looking to change the comet nature of the relationship. He always reminds me before inviting me to meet him that sometimes things change or emergencies happen at work so plans can change. It's happened before but on a smaller scale. He didn't tell his wife before hand because it wouldn't have affected her. They are hierarchical and that's something he told me right up front she comes first. I've accepted that.

I was just really looking forward to this trip and needed some sympathy. Thank you to those that gave me that.

My wife and I have a long term roommate and an open relationship for about the last 3 years. I am looking for answers right now and I don't know what to feel. My wife told me today that she tested positive for pregnancy. We haven't been intimate in a long time, but I have been intimate with others and according to her, she slept with my roommate, her friend, and the condom broke. What are things I have to do right now and what are things I need to prepare to do in the future. I know this is a lot more complicated than I can really list here, but for sure, we need help, counseling, and probably a family practice lawyer for legal protection. Do I prepare to raise the child? How common is this? And what can I tell other people, who will need to know, in my life.

I am in the hospital with a serious illness. It's been one of the worst experiences of my life. My husband to his credit flew in early from a work trip to help. But on the second day I was here, after a brief hospital visit, he said he was going home to take care of the kids and house. My best friend was watching our kids. Instead he went to his girlfriend's. I know because we share locations. When I told him I didn't find this appropriate, especially since he lied, he shrugged me off. He did it again the next day. Since then he's given me the cold shoulder and not asked me or any of my family how I am.

Am I wrong to find this upsetting? He's acting like I'm being a tyrant when I just think he needs to go home when he says he is. I don't care if meta comes to our house but I find it ridiculous that he's not taking care of me or our family. His excuse was that she needed his help moving furniture...

so a bit ago I made a post where it was mentioned (though not the posts focus) my plans to move in with a new partner 3 days of the week after a month. the reaction from here was that was a crazy thing to do. it was!

The NRE wore off and I realised that I didn’t gel with this person as much as I thought. They didn’t do anything heinous I just realised the vibes were off, dialled it back and then decided the entire relationship wasn’t for me. the response to that from this person was quite unhinged telling me they love me forever accusing my blameless other partner of being toxic and demanding I cease polyamory (yes this was a mono person)

so yeah, don’t trust NRE, take things slow and take care to ensure you don’t turn into a huge idiot because of a new relationship! slow is good!

I’m sure I’m just going to get told I’m just not good at poly or ENM but like, how does anyone do this and not just constantly beat themselves up?

My partner is on a first coffee date right now with someone who is so much prettier and younger and thinner than me. He’s supposed to come over after and like, he’s just going to look at me and think “blech” in comparison after sitting across from someone like her.

I didn’t want to know what she looked like, but she has a pretty unique name so of course she came up on People I May Know when he added her on Instagram.

Why would he still want me? He won’t eventually. I’m sorry, but this is crazy to me. Relationships are so hard already, this extra layer is really fucking me up. I know my self esteem sucks, but to have it shoved in my face with the constant idea of new people is horrendous. I wish I could thrive in this but two years in and I’m just not. Intellectually I understand it all but in practice, I just can’t.

And the best part is, is that I’m going to lose him either way. Either he stops finding me attractive compared to the constant parade of goth girls in the apps, or I go because I can’t take this.

Really great. I left an abusive marriage and fell in love with someone I thought was everything I’d ever wanted in a person, only to feel like this constantly. I guess I was wrong. Again.