u/No_Age_4267

I (24F) have a partner (27M), we have been together for 4,5 years. We are in an open relationship. We have had out ups and downs, especially regarding our intimate life in the last year. We have talked about it several times, but haven’t properly resolved it.

I count it mostly to the fact that he had mental crisis resulting in medication, and my breakthrough in therapy regarding my past SA, which brought its own complications.

In May, I wrote an off handed message to my friend, in which I said that I feel like our intimate life has disappeared. I was venting and I forgot what I wrote basically immediately. It was in an private conversation.

My partner had to use my computer when he was at my place when I was in the shower. The messaging app that I use automatically opened up. He has seen said message since it was on the top.

I did my best to explain that I did not mean it, that I was just venting and I do not consider that part of our relationship gone. He is experiencing trust issues since then, frankly, and I try to provide reassurance as much as I can.

But he has not let it go. He occasionally mentions it in arguments. He claims that I should’ve never sent the message. I refused to apologise for it, because while I understand it hurt him, it was a private conversation that he was never supposed to see. He says he now cannot properly trust me, since I sometimes say things I don’t mean.

AITA?

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Okay, I know the title sounds bad as is, but you're going to need some background before you judge me.

So me (43M) and my wife (37F, Natalie) have been married for a few years now. She is not my first wife. We broke up with my ex-wife when she cheated on me in 2013. I met Natalie in 2017 and we got married in 2022. Soon after we got married, my wife moved up in her career and that meant she has to travel abroad every once in a while for a few months at a time. Some time after this, she suggested that we try an open marriage. I was not thrilled about this suggestion, given how my last relationship with my ex-wife ended. But we talked about it civilly many times over a long period of time. And eventually I decided we should try it.

We agreed on some rules (not an exhaustive list):

- We do not bring our other partners into our bed.

- No dating, no emotional connection, just physical.

- Protection and regular STD tests are mandatory.

- We do not talk about our other partners in our home.

At first I didn't feel like I wanted or needed to use this open part of our marriage. But I had my first partner after about 6 months. I had some semi-regular partners and some one night stands. None lasted for more than maybe 9 months and I honoured every single rule we have. After a while I started noticing that mine and Natalie's relationship had changed. I loved my wife deeply, but something felt different and I can't quite pinpoint what it is.

Then in the autumn of 2024 I met a woman on a work related trip abroad. Let's call her Alyssa. She was from my country, beautiful, exceptionally smart and a little bit sassy. I didn't think she'd be interested in me since I was (and am) significantly older than her (she is currently 29). But a few weeks after the trip she messaged me and we started talking. Our conversations were very casual, everyday conversations. There was no flirting, no innuendos or hints of wanting to hop in bed, from her side nor mine. She was a friend.

After a few months of talking, Alyssa confessed to me that she messaged me originally, because she wanted to sleep with me. She had trashed that idea after she realised I am married (I mentioned it in a conversation very early on). I then told her that I'm in an open marriage and soon after we became sexual partners.

After about maybe 6 months, I realised that I had developed some kind of feelings or an attachment to her. And I know, I should've ended it right then and there. But I didn't, and I didn't tell her either. We just continued as we had. After that everything went on as it had, though I noticed I missed her more and more by the day. I stopped having other partners besides Alyssa. I noticed myself fantasizing about going on dates and trips with her. And then, a few weeks ago she became distant. She didn't text me as much, she didn't ask to see me, there was no "good morning" or "good night" -messages, she was just distant. And I was confused, concerned, and hurt. So I asked her if something was wrong.

She told me we had to end our thing, because she had developed feelings for me and couldn't honour our agreement anymore. I was shocked, mainly because I realised I had fallen in love with her. Suddenly I realised how much it scared me to lose her and how much it hurt hearing her say that we have to be over. She told me she never wanted to come in between me and my wife and that she is so sorry that she overstepped our boundary.

We had deep conversations and I had some time for myself, to think. Was it just because she is young and beautiful? But my wife is absolutely gorgeous as well. Was it just because she was something new and exciting? But it had been almost two years. And I realised that I should've ended my thing with Alyssa or end my marriage, when I realised I was developing feelings for her. I know I let it go on wrong.

I decided I needed to divorce Natalie. It wasn't fair for my wife like this, even if I stopped seeing Alyssa now. And it wouldn't be fair to me. If we wouldn't divorce now, how would she be able to trust me anymore? And I would not be able to continue our open marriage, but what would she think of that?

So, we sat down with Natalie and I told her what had happened. I apologized that I had gone too far and that it had come to this. She was furious, and I understand that. But she did not agree to the divorce. She told me that I am wrong for divorcing her, that I should stay married to her, and that we should just close our marriage on my side. But I don't think that that's right either. Natalie's friend called me yesterday and basically called me an asshole for wanting a divorce. She told me that I should fight for my marriage and hope for forgiveness from Natalie.

I understand that I am the asshole for continuing my relationship with Alyssa after developing feelings, but am I the asshole for wanting to divorce my wife?

EDIT: I want to point out, that I know fully that I am the AH for what happened between me and Alyssa, that I take responsibility for. But I want your opinion on, if I am the AH for wanting a divorce.

UPDATE: Okay, so me and Alyssa had a brief conversation and we are ending things with her for now. Me and Natalie also sat down again to have a talk. It did not go well. Basically, she is mad at me for ruining our marriage. But not for the reasons I thought. She told me, she doesn't care if I developed feelings, she doesn't care that I basically had a relationship with Alyssa, she's mad because I brought it up. She says, that everything could have been fine and continued like it had if I had just not brought it up at all. But because I did bring it up, now she was forced to do something about it (so closing our marriage from my side). I asked, if she really wanted to stay married and go to counseling and try to make us work again, why was not closing our marriage completely an option. She kinda lashed out at me and yelled that she is not going to give up her relationships for my mistake. So I guess she has someone abroad.. I don't know, she wasn't willing to elaborate, and I'm not going to speculate. Well I asked why she wanted to stay married in the first place if she wasn't willing to give up her sidepieces. She told me she still loves me and that she wants to be sure that I am still waiting for her every time she comes back from abroad. She said she likes our lifestyle, our house and what we have together. But I don't understand it. She's barely ever home anymore, we don't do things that we used to do. When she comes home from a trip she doesn't come hug me straight away like she used to, she doesn't show me her love anymore. And yes, we have talked about these things before. But yeah that's that. Sorry it kinda turned into a ramble here.

Thank you everyone for your comments! In summary, everyone was an AH here. Natalie for pushing the open marriage. Me for accepting and then going over the boundaries. Though I don't think I agree about Alyssa here being an AH, she really didn't do anything wrong and she did try to distance herself and end things when she realised what she felt. I believe it wasn't her intention to come in the middle of anything.

I (28) and my wife (30) have been together for 5 years. Officially married for 2. I knew from the moment we started dating that my wife is bisexual. However, it wasn’t until last year that she expressed that she is poly. Big bomb to drop on me but I tried to be understanding and support her. I am more in the one person only kinda guy but after a long conversation we agreed to try poly dating. We set rules and boundaries. Main thing was, not actively look for it, if it happens, happens. When it happens or we think it will happen, we will communicate with each other.

Fast forward to last week, 3 days before my birthday she tells me she’s going on a date with a guy. She tells me about it and she is excited. Again, no biggie, I tried to be supportive. Next day, she tells me she’s going to spend the night at one of her friends place since they haven’t seen each other in a while.

For personal reasons I don’t like this friend and I didn’t like the idea but it’s he friend so what can I do?

However, something feels off. We both have each others location and my gut thought something was off. I checked her location and she was at a hotel. You guessed, with the dude. So I texted her about it and after a while she says she’s coming home.

At this point I felt lied to and blindsided because we agreed to share things like this. I expressed my feelings as calmly as possible and she apologized for it. This is also when I confronted her about having a dating app profile and not telling me about it. I saw it by accident opened on her phone when I walked by her. So we talked about that and we cleared things out.

So now I know about the dating profile. I notice her also being more engaging in Snapchat. She tells me she’s talking to at least 3 guys. Even a couple. At this point it’s cool. I guess she’s making progress

However now that I see her texting them basically all the time I started to feel neglected, ignored. The more she’s texting them the more it takes me to get a bit of her attention. She was even texting them on my birthday.

She then tells me she’s planning on doing an activity that we both agreed months ago we wanted to do together as a couple as it would be a first time for both of us. But she seems eager to just go do it with this random dude.

So basically at this point I am feeling like I am not even the second option. That what I give her, emotionally and probably physically is not enough. I want to support her but at this point it feels she’s looking for fuck buddies and emotional connection with someone else and just have me there as the safe option when she’s done and tired of playing with them.