Guy Wants My Relationship, Goes As Expected
I had to get this off my chest and didn't know where else to do it. Hopefully it makes sense, it is a mix of personal knowledge and second/thirdhand knowledge which might make it a bit confusing. Please bear with me with the first part because it is relevant, I promise.
So, I am a polyandrist. It didn't start that way, but it is where things ended up. My relationship started with my now-husband claiming from the start of us daying to not care if I saw other people, but not wanting to do so himself. Ten years later it remained that way. I didn't really take him up on it until four years ago when I met my second partner, and after a period of trying poly himself (he had been introduced by the woman before me), he decided to also be monogamous as it just wasn't worth the stress of maintaining multiple partners. I do not date anyone else and we are a closed unit. So, we are not "open" in any regard, and we are a rarity even in the poly world. But we are all happy and went into it with eyes wide open, no convincing anyone of anything, as it should be.
I met a man who was a friend of a friend and part of a couple. His wife was not in attendance as she had another event with her own friends. He apparently heard another friend of mine ask about my partners, who were hanging out in other parts of the party, and he was fascinated. He started asking all these question, wanting to know how it happened, why my guys didn't also have other partners, how it worked. If they had relations with each other, jealousy, etc. I am pretty used to this response, so I answered the questions honestly.
He starts talking about how cool it is, how he didn't know that was a thing (really? Pretty sure you have at least heard of polygamy, my guy), and how he knows his wife would never want to sleep with another man but he had always wanted an open relationship. Which I read as him saying he wanted to cheat on his wife, frankly.
Alarm bells (and a bit of ick) rang at this and I was very clear: this kind of lifestyle is not for everyone, or even most. It is also very, very rare that monogamous couples successfully make the transition to any kind of ENM dynamic. Especially if just one is bringing it up to the other, and even more especially if you already know your partner won't like it. He said, "I bet I could convince her, though."
Again, ick. I explained the concept of coersion versus consent and said in no uncertain terms this was a quick pathway to divorce. He wasn't listening, and then asked me the question I hate above any other and get from way too many men: would I ever consider getting a third partner? And a few comments about how attractive I was and how he had always liked "girls like you". I assume he meant alternative in style, but who fucking knows.
I stopped talking to him at that point and spent the night making fun of him via text to my husbands, who were also at the party. At one point the guy went to go talk to one of them but he brushed him off and he didn't try with the other who was busy in a conversation about Raspberry Pi devices and was impenetrable for other topics.
I didn't think about him again until my friend who he was there with and I had coffee. Turns out, the idiot went right to his wife that night, drunk, and ambushed her with a demand they open their relationship. Or, really, HE be allowed to open the relationship, while she remains faithful to him. Apparently he had been ranting about doing this as my friend drove him home and wouldn't be convinced otherwise.
She was crushed, obviously. My friend's GF is close to her and she told him later that she thought he was juat drunk but it hurt her a lot..it hurt her worse when the next morning he doubled down. And who did he blame for this incredible idea? Me. A woman who had an arrangement he was jealous of and who told him, clearly, DO NOT SUGGEST THIS TO YOUR POOR WIFE YOU SELFISH WASTE!
At first she was furious with me, I guess, but the GF explained what I told my friend had happened that night. At which point she realized she was unfortunately married to a selfish, hateful jerk who didn't care about her feelings. Worse, she found him on dating apps shortly after so he had enacted this idea while "waiting for her to come around" so he "was ready to start this new chapter".
The sickest part is they have four kids. He blew up his entire life, her entire life and their entire life over a single conversation with a stranger. She has left him and my friend says she is planning to file. I suspect this was more the final straw in a line of issues, but even if it wasn't, it would be enough for me, too.
I am a polyandrist, as I said. But even I know these arrangements, however they operate, rarely work successfully. They definitely don't if the two aren't on the same page and want it equally. I don't know if I have ever seen a couple work longterm as open when they started out in a closed dynamic. I am infuriated to have been made the trigger of this poor woman and her children having their world's turned upside-down.
The good news is the poly community is small here. Word already seems to be getting around already (I may have had a little to do with that, tbh). I think he will find that whatever little success he *might* have had before that will be even smaller now.
ETA: It just occurred to me that she could find her way to this subreddit someday. I assume if this happened to you, you will recognize the details so just let me say: I am so sorry. Your STBX is a horrible husband and father and I hope you drag him over the coals in the divorce then find a man who is kinder, hotter and way better in bed (I am just going to assume he sucks at sex, he seems the type). I also hope everything gets better immediately for you and your little ones.