Monogamous and in love with a polyamorous person: Can you actually learn to be okay with it?
Hi everyone!
English is not my first langage. :)
I'm mainly looking to hear from monogamous people who are in relationships with polyamorous partners, especially those who weren't naturally comfortable with non-monogamy to begin with.
I'm deeply in love with my partner, and I really want our relationship to work. He is polyamorous and has, among other things, a sexual relationship with another person (I'll call her his "fuckfriend").
Intellectually, I don't necessarily believe that him having another relationship means that he loves me less or that our relationship is less important. I am happy that he experiences things that bring him joy and fulfillment. I also genuinely want him to be able to have his own experiences and make his own choices. I don't want to become someone who restricts his freedom simply to soothe my own insecurities or preferences.
Emotionally, it's much harder.
For example, when he tells me that he's going to see his fuckfriend, something happens inside me. I can experience a lot of distress, and sometimes I even feel as though our romantic connection has temporarily been severed. I become distant from him, and sometimes I want to cancel the plans we had together or, if I am with him, I need space for several minutes. It's not necessarily because I want to punish him or make him change his mind. It feels more like my brain is trying to protect me.
What's particularly difficult is that the distress doesn't necessarily end when the encounter is over. Sometimes just knowing that it's going to happen triggers something in me, and afterward I may need some time before I naturally feel close and connected to him again. I am naturally an anxious person, so I experience a lot of rumination, for days at a time.
And I find myself caught in what feels like an almost impossible dilemma:
- I want this relationship to work. (Truely)
- I don't want to restrict him or prevent him from having the experiences he wants.
- I don't want to live in a state of ongoing suffering.
I'm having a hard time believing that these three things can actually coexist.
I'm not really looking for answers along the lines of "you just need to accept polyamory" or "if you're monogamous, you should leave." I know that ultimately, I have to figure out what I can genuinely live with and what I can't.
What I'm much more interested in is hearing from people who have actually been in a similar situation.
For those of you who are monogamous (or consider yourselves mostly monogamous) and fell in love with a polyamorous person:
- Were you able to genuinely become more comfortable with the situation?
- Did the distress decrease over time?
- Did you learn how to reconnect with your partner after they had been with someone else?
- What actually helped you?
- Were there specific boundaries or agreements that made a huge difference for you?
- How did you know that you were adapting in a healthy way, rather than simply learning to tolerate something that was hurting you?
- And for those of you for whom it ultimately didn't work: looking back, what made you realize that the relationship wasn't compatible with your needs?
I'd really love to hear from people who love their polyamorous partner and have found a way to navigate this difference, even if it was never completely easy.
I'm not necessarily trying to become "100% comfortable" with everything. I'm wondering whether it's possible to build a relationship where I can be genuinely okay overall, even if some aspects remain difficult.
Thank you to anyone who takes the time to share their experience. ♡