r/monodatingpoly

What do you do when you can’t stand your partner’s partner and your partner wants the three of you to hang out/wants the meta to attend family gatherings etc.?

I find this person so annoying and can’t understand why my partner wants to hang out with them. It honestly sort of offends me that my partner considers their relationship with this person to be on the same kind of level as our relationship.

They’re also long distance so the meta stays at our house sometimes. It’s exhausting for me.

Curious how open the mono people in this sub are about being with a poly partner. Also how out your partner is with people in your social circle and families.

Personally I have only told a couple of friends. Terrified to tell my family as I’m worried they will hate my partner and judge us/treat us differently.

My partner has been asking for a third person in our relationship for a while. I’ve really struggled with the idea because monogamy is what I’ve always wanted. Even so, because I love him, I was willing to try and see if it could work for us.
Now things have changed, and instead of us exploring it together, he’s talking about going solo. That has brought up a lot of mixed emotions for me. I feel hurt, confused, jealous, scared, and honestly a little lost.
Part of me wonders if I was only trying to agree because I didn’t want to lose him. Another part of me feels like him going solo completely changes what we originally discussed.
Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you know if your feelings were telling you that this just wasn’t for you, or if it was something you could eventually work through? I love my partner, but right now my emotions are all over the place, and I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I will be able to be with him after either.

Hello. My husband and I (together 18 years) opened up our marriage (on his side only) about 3 years ago. I have never really come to terms with it and still struggle with the ‘why aren’t I enough’ aspect. Intellectually I understand that some people just like novelty. I can’t say it’s something I require, but he is like that in other aspects of life and so it follows that he also needs it here. But my heart still hurts, and I do wish I was just in a simple marriage with a ‘normal’ person who didn’t want or need to do this.

For the avoidance of doubt, I have given him full permission to do this. He isn’t doing it against my will. We talk regularly and he is a loving father and husband. And yet…..these feelings I have won’t go away. All that goes round in my head is ‘why does he want to do this’.

Any advice on how I can stop or at least reduce these unhelpful thoughts? Leaving the marriage isn’t an option for me as aside from this we have a happy, loving and solid relationship and have built a lovely life for our daughter, so I am in no mind to destroy all of that. I’m just looking for some tips on re-framing, or even better if anyone is in the same boat and would like to connect that would be great as it can feel quite lonely.

Thanks so much.

TLDR: Is opening up our relationship again a bad idea?

First time poster with a throw away as my partner is on reddit as well.

My partner '38 M' and I '31 F' have been together for going on about 6 months. We started out as a fling post me separating from my now ex husband but feelings developed very quickly. Both of us had no intentions of dating at that particular moment as we both were coming off of long term serious relationships/marriages and wanted a chance to have our "promiscuous" phase and decided to keep the relationship open. This went on for about two months and then due to financial circumstances we ended up moving in together.

I'm not sure if it was the stress of the divorce proceedings or if I just wasn't cut out for ethical non-monogamy but once we moved in together, my jealousy became a huge problem for us. Any time my partner was going to go on a date with another person it was like my chest would feel like it was being crushed and I would sob pretty much the entire time he was gone. I have admittedly CPTSD and some poor experiences of my ex husband cheating so I am sure that is a contributing factor. My partner and I talked and agreed that we probably needed to build a firmer foundation for our relationship before having it be open to any non-traditional situations and decided to close the relationship which he was obviously very disappointed about but he stated if the relationship never opened back up he would understand and that I was his priority.

We are now four months in to being exclusive and our intimate life has dropped from us having sex every other day or two to maybe once a week. He has a manual labor job and obviously is tired quite often but has made comments that if he were to go on a date and come home more tired "oh well". But will turn me down when I attempt to initiate when he is tired from work which admittedly stings.

My divorce finalized last week and he expressed that now that I no longer have that stress on me, he is not interested in a "normal monogamous relationship" and that he is concerned that we are not compatible in that way. I am not opposed to us playing together with other partners, but do get very jealous not so much of the sexual contact but of the idea of the emotional side of the potential relationships outside of monogamy. Not only that but I do want kids in the future and am concerned with the idea of ENM around my kids for many reasons. That would be a hard boundary for me once I have children because I want to have a partner who's focus is not divided between our kids, our relationship and other people not to mention bringing strangers around the kids.

I guess I am looking for advice on how to navigate this situation/conversation on setting my boundaries and whether or not the relationship is completely non-viable?

Honestly trying to understand. My wife (who was monogamous our entire 20-year relationship, until recently) has tried to explain it, but I’m curious to hear other insights too. No judgment, just looking for other points of view. Thanks.

So, me (24F) and my boyfriend (26M) have been together for 8 years, and for 4 of those years we had a non monogamous relationship. Up until this year we didn't get much action with other people, mostly because of practical issues (living in a small town, etc), but recently we had both been going out with other people pretty consistently. I was very happy about it, specially cause I didn't have much experience with women before getting with him, and this has consistently been a big insecurity and yearning of mine. It still is, I still long for being in a serious relationship with a woman, but at least the sexual part I was getting to experience (our boundary was that neither of us would get in serious relationships outside of ours, neither of us thought we'd have the energy to maintain multiple relationships).

It all changed a few days ago when we had a fight and he decided that we should break up because he doesn't want to keep being poly, along with other compatibility issues. We talked a lot and he told me he struggled with 2 main things:

1- he doesn't feel like he needs anyone else, and says it doesn't feel the same with other people

2- he was having major issues with the thought of me having sex with other people. The way he worded it made me realize it's very much rooted in misogyny, and this alone has made me angry and extremely sad.

I was devastated, but thought for a few days and came to the conclusion that it was for the best. Turns out he also thought about it and came to the opposite conclusion, he begged me to stay, and said we could compromise and maybe find a third person for the relationship. I don't think this is a smart decision, because if he's mono that will only make things worse for him. And also, I think is just not realistic. We can't magically find a third person for a serious relationship when he doesn't want to be casual with anyone else. I just know this "compromise" will end up falling into me.

I love him very much, and I got so conflicted that after talking for a little longer we decided on waiting and reevaluating our feelings during the next few days, so that any decision is not rushed.

So, I have been thinking. I do not know if I can be happy in a mono relationship. It's not so much about the sex for me, it's more about feeling free. I feel like I'm stuck. Basically my whole adult life was lived alongside him and in an open relationship. Ontop of all the issues, this is also causing me to have an identity crisis of sorts. I feel like I'm giving up two major parts of me: being poly and being with women.

Even before this fight I wasn't in a great place in the relationship, and was having doubts about my willingness to stay in it long term. Tbh for that time I stayed mostly because I didn't want him to take the fall. We moved to another state together for my university, and he basically haven't made any progress in his professional life for the past few years. I feel like thats my fault, and feel guilty for bringing him along just to dump him after all of it.

My rational mind tells me this won't work out, and I have a gut feeling telling me to let it go, but love him more than I can describe. I feel like I have an impossible decision ahead.

Sorry for the long ass post, I really need outside opinions.

Title: Non-monogamous man, monogamous woman—deep connection, real feelings, but a painful reality. Has anyone been here?
I’ve been seeing someone for about 5-6 months. We met online and connected deeply over text before even meeting in person—the kind of connection that felt immediate and unlike anything I’d experienced before. He’s a personal trainer in his mid-thirties, I’m 24, first gen college student on a pre-med path.
From day one he was completely transparent—he’s non-monogamous, has long term partners and sexual partners, and doesn’t believe a title is necessary. I’m monogamous by nature, a hopeless romantic, and eventually want marriage. We both knew this going in.
Despite knowing this we continued because what we have genuinely felt organic and wholesome from the very first time we met. We connect emotionally, intellectually and physically in a way neither of us expected. He sends voice memos, remembered my birthday, checks in genuinely, has been honest and communicative from the very beginning. He’s never lied to me or pretended to be something he’s not.
What makes this complicated is that he’s also said things like values change through experience and time—referencing his own non-monogamy as something that isn’t necessarily fixed. He’s said he’s open to whatever this becomes. He’s said what we have is not just good but great. He calls it unique. He says time is invaluable to him and he gives it to me willingly. When I told him I needed space before a trip he said he’s not going anywhere and supported me fully. When I sent him a vulnerable message confessing my feelings had grown he responded with a long heartfelt voice memo saying he likes me deeply, values our dynamic, wants to keep nurturing it and wants to keep me in his life—but also said he won’t change who he is.
The part that stings—he just disclosed he had a play session with a long term partner since we last saw each other. He told me because I asked for that transparency. And even though I wanted honesty, receiving it hit completely differently than I expected. The idea of him being with someone else is hard to sit with even though I went into this knowing.
I’m not naive. I know what this is. But I also can’t fully walk away because the connection is real and he keeps showing up in ways that feel like more than casual. I don’t want to fall in love with someone who by design can’t receive that love the way I need to give it. But I also can’t seem to let go.
Has anyone been in something like this? How do you protect your heart when the connection is genuinely real but the structure isn’t built for what you ultimately need? And for those who’ve been the monogamous person in this situation—did it ever evolve or did you eventually have to walk away?

My partner (30M) and I (29F) have been in a relationship for a couple of years. At the beginning of our relationship, my partner was still in the midst of ending his previous relationship and wanted to be able to sleep with other people when we got together. I agreed because it seemed hypocritical to insist on monogamy because he was still living with his previous partner and having a sexual relationship with her for a couple of months.

When my partner moved in with me, he still continued to sleep with other people whereas I have never had the desire to do so. He said that it would "just be sex" and not any relationship building. We also realized that our sexual libidos were very different, mine is pretty low and his is much higher. At first, I thought I was okay with it because he was mainly chatting online with webcams. When he had a sexual relationship outside of our relationship, I realized that he would have to talk to the other people a lot more than I felt comfortable and I told him as such but the sex part didn't bother me as much.

Fast forward a few months, my partner didn't have any further sexual relationships because he was busy. He also said at some point that he didn't want to have any more sexual relationships outside of our relationship because he loved me so much. After that conversation, I thought we were back to being fully monogamous again.

A few months after that, I found out that he was online chatting with girls again. I felt betrayed and confused because I thought he was done with that. He told me that he had never agreed to such a thing and it was important to him to continue to be able to be open sexually in our relationship because that is how we started things. The hurt that I felt combined with the words he had said previously made me feel like he didn't care about me and that it would be easier to close the relationship. He says that he does care about me and loves me and that's why he has continually tried to be honest with me about what is important to him and that he doesn't think I can fulfill his sexual desires. He also says that he doesn't ever want to leave me or build an emotional connection with anyone else.

I'm not sure what to do. Part of me wants to let him keep the sexual relationship open but I also am worried about the emotional connections that he might find. I don't really care about him having sex outside of our relationship but the fear of the emotional part is holding me back. I want to be able to give him the freedom to be with other people have his sexual desires met. He also says that I am being controlling and misled him in the relationship. What should we do? Is there something that I'm missing here?

I “22M” have been with my girlfriend “23F” for about a year. Everything is amazing; we have great communication and resolve minor misunderstandings quickly.

When we first met, she identified as polyamorous. She is queer, and at the time, she was looking for poly partners. I told her I wasn't poly, but I was willing to try. However, she never pursued anyone else. If anything, she moved quickly to secure our relationship—introducing me to her family, wanting to spend all our time together, and getting "possessively" cute if other girls looked at me.

A month into our relationship, I saw Hinge notifications on her phone. I told her it made me uncomfortable. Without hesitation, she deleted all her dating apps and told me she really wanted to be with me. I later had a serious conversation with her, offering to end things so we didn't go further if she truly needed polyamory. She insisted on monogamy.

When I expressed that I didn't want her to feel "caged" or like she was giving up a part of herself, she explained that she used to think she was poly because no previous partner made her feel completely loved. She felt like a "bucket" that couldn't be filled, so she sought multiple partners to fill different emotional gaps. She felt she had "too much love to give" for just one person. She claims that with me, she feels fully seen, loved, and satisfied—my love overflows her "bucket" in a way her exes never could.

The current dynamic:
She has since become extremely possessive and deeply monogamous. We have even set rules about when it’s acceptable for me to talk to other women because she feels so strongly that I am hers and only hers. She has told me that the idea of me being with other women makes her feel physically sick, and she feels the same way about the idea of herself being with anyone else. She cannot imagine being with anyone but me.

Interestingly, she now often expresses a fear that I might eventually decide I want to be poly, which makes her insecure after she has finally found someone she wants to commit to entirely.
I am struggling with a few questions:

Is her reasoning valid? Is it common for someone to identify as poly because they weren't getting their needs met in past relationships, or because they were trying to fill a void that only a truly compatible partner could fill?

Am I "caging" her? I am terrified that she is choosing me over her authentic self, and that she will eventually resent me. How do I navigate her fears of me leaving her for polyamory when that isn't something I want?

Can someone "think" they are poly but realize they aren't? Does it make sense that she only identified as poly because she hadn't found the right, fulfilling, and secure monogamous connection yet?

What is the risk of the future? Given how strong our bond is, is there a genuine risk that she will one day decide she misses the poly lifestyle, or is her current possessiveness and intensity a sign that she has truly found her preferred way of loving?

I want this relationship to be based on her being her truest self. Any advice or perspectives from those who have been in similar situations would be appreciated.

My partner (together 12 yrs, married 7) recently opened up that they lean towards a polyamorous identity. They want to be "involved with others, whatever it may consist of at some point, and really interested in exploring if it's ever on the table". But they'll only do it if I'm 100% okay with it. It's hard for me to hear and accept because I have a very monogamous heart but I love them and want them to be happy more than anything.

My predicament is that although I have a very monogamous heart, I also realized that I identify as bi later in life and never got the opportunity to explore myself. I do fantasize about a third but have a hard time transitioning to making it a reality. I have a history of abandonment issues, sexual trauma, and rough PMDD which all create the perfect recipe for debilitating insecurity. It's becoming a big challenge in our relationship. Oh, doesn't help that he has avoidant attachment style and I have anxious attachment. 🫠

Them needing me to be 100% okay with it makes me feel like there's a deadline and that I'm holding them back from living their authentic life.

Does anyone have experience in successfully navigating similar situations? And please, I'm only looking for support, not exacerbating my fear or insecurity more. Specifically looking for advice on how to strengthen security/relationship foundation.