My girlfriend was poly but switched to monogamy for me. I’m afraid I’m caging her or she’ll go back to being poly in the future.
I “22M” have been with my girlfriend “23F” for about a year. Everything is amazing; we have great communication and resolve minor misunderstandings quickly.
When we first met, she identified as polyamorous. She is queer, and at the time, she was looking for poly partners. I told her I wasn't poly, but I was willing to try. However, she never pursued anyone else. If anything, she moved quickly to secure our relationship—introducing me to her family, wanting to spend all our time together, and getting "possessively" cute if other girls looked at me.
A month into our relationship, I saw Hinge notifications on her phone. I told her it made me uncomfortable. Without hesitation, she deleted all her dating apps and told me she really wanted to be with me. I later had a serious conversation with her, offering to end things so we didn't go further if she truly needed polyamory. She insisted on monogamy.
When I expressed that I didn't want her to feel "caged" or like she was giving up a part of herself, she explained that she used to think she was poly because no previous partner made her feel completely loved. She felt like a "bucket" that couldn't be filled, so she sought multiple partners to fill different emotional gaps. She felt she had "too much love to give" for just one person. She claims that with me, she feels fully seen, loved, and satisfied—my love overflows her "bucket" in a way her exes never could.
The current dynamic:
She has since become extremely possessive and deeply monogamous. We have even set rules about when it’s acceptable for me to talk to other women because she feels so strongly that I am hers and only hers. She has told me that the idea of me being with other women makes her feel physically sick, and she feels the same way about the idea of herself being with anyone else. She cannot imagine being with anyone but me.
Interestingly, she now often expresses a fear that I might eventually decide I want to be poly, which makes her insecure after she has finally found someone she wants to commit to entirely.
I am struggling with a few questions:
Is her reasoning valid? Is it common for someone to identify as poly because they weren't getting their needs met in past relationships, or because they were trying to fill a void that only a truly compatible partner could fill?
Am I "caging" her? I am terrified that she is choosing me over her authentic self, and that she will eventually resent me. How do I navigate her fears of me leaving her for polyamory when that isn't something I want?
Can someone "think" they are poly but realize they aren't? Does it make sense that she only identified as poly because she hadn't found the right, fulfilling, and secure monogamous connection yet?
What is the risk of the future? Given how strong our bond is, is there a genuine risk that she will one day decide she misses the poly lifestyle, or is her current possessiveness and intensity a sign that she has truly found her preferred way of loving?
I want this relationship to be based on her being her truest self. Any advice or perspectives from those who have been in similar situations would be appreciated.