r/polyadvice

Hi there, so my wife and I have recently agreed on terms for her to explore her polyamory which Is all very new to me, and something I’ve grown comfortable with after extensive discussions, understanding it’s a huge part of her identity and I want her to embrace all of who she is. I really want her to be happy and I can see the shift in her happiness with her exploring her identity it really fills me we joy to see her being able to express herself.

We’ve come across a recent hiccup, she didn’t initially want to date or meet men, and engage with intimacy on the forms we discussed. She ended up meeting with a guy, I was on board with it we talked about it so it was a progressive jump which I was happy with. Recently she met up with him and they ended up kissing, intimacy was not agreed and we didn’t specifically talk about kissing, although I was under the impression it was implied with intimacy. I do hold kissing as something very intimate for me, I explained this and we’re still processing what happened last night. I want to ask the community am I being overly sensitive in being upset that it happened?

I’m now starting to feel uncomfortable and the pressure to be okay with more things that we previously agreed weren’t okay with me.

Any advice on this, as a first time mono-poly relationship?

Please be kind 🥺

Hellllo all, I (30 F) and bisexual husband (5 years) (30 m) are navigating polyamory for the first time. He was the one to first introduce the concept for us with a friend already in mind to date. It’s been rough but I want to try.

Any advise?

I 21f first noticed them at work. I noticed 32f of a different line of the factory I worked, how beautiful of a woman I thought. I asked if she knew how to run the model we were on as Ik we don’t run it often on this line. I made sure she knew what what to do then left. They were both new and her husband 38m worked at a station right next to me. One day I introduced myself as I like to know the people I’m working with. I found him very attractive and had him pegged for who he was before I really knew him. 38m had me pegged as who I was before he knew me. We were both right on our assumptions of each other it was very weird. I never met anyone like him.

For as long as I can remember I’ve thought about wanting a multiple partner situation.I love dominate men, I love a traditional wife and husband life aspect but with multiple wives it that makes sense. The couple has the same idea as me and I could not be happier.

We have plans for a homestead (I’ve always wanted a homestead grow, take care of, and can all our own foods, so much love in the home many many people involved, maybe a family compound one day idk)

My brother 29m is not happy, he thinks they are using me. 29m does not want to met them, he told me I have to choose. I love them he does not want to meet them so he doesn’t even know how great they are. Anyway is this a poly relationship or what would the term be if not?

MFF polyfidelitous triad here (meaning the three of us are in a closed relationship).

My longer-term girlfriend's ex-girlfriend is close with us. Most would say way too close, especially considering that early on, she tried to end our relationship (before we were in a triad). Their relationship ended due to borderline abuse, and she once sent me revenge porn, although the ex has turned over a new leaf (got clean from an addiction) and I'm trying to be supportive of her, because I know she still matters to my gf. We just spent the weekend at her cabin, which is fine, she was trying to pay us back for letting her stay with us for a week-ish after a medical procedure.

...But, both my shorter-term girlfriend and I are seeing signs the ex is still in love with her, and our girlfriend isn't doing a great job of setting boundaries. Like, she already committed us all to yet another vacation with her, while the three of us don't have anything scheduled between just us. We have our own relationship group chat... and for some reason also a group chat with the ex. We see her on average at least once a week. Neither my longer-term girlfriend, nor the ex have a lot of other friends, and no family living nearby.

My shorter-term girlfriend and I had a conversation this morning, and while we both feel this is one-sided, and it's almost certain there's no infidelity going on, we're both trying to decide if we should address this and draw a line in the sand about setting firmer boundaries.

But, I'm worried about us piling on and ambushing her. We've only all been living together for 7 and a half months or so, officially in this triad, although this has been some form of a relationship for what's getting closer and closer to two years. My longer-term girlfriend is pretty sensitive, but we really never have had a real fight. I guess I'm not sure if we're picking the right battle, and how to not gang up on her.

The last thing to add is that the ex has told me I'm one of the few people in her life she trusts and that forgave her for being such a shitty person while she was an addict, so I kinda feel like a dick.

Any suggestions here?

I’m afraid as I type this out I’ll realize I’ve been lied to. Last year I F met a man who was traveling through my town. We met up and we’re together for a weekend. At this time he was single. I kept in contact with him because I haven’t had great luck attracting nice men and he treated me so well I wanted to continue to get to know him. As he got to where he was going and settled into that life he met someone online through what I was told is a poly dating site. He told me a little bit about her other partners. He only had online friends as he calls us. He waited to tell me that they were getting more serious. And that was one thing I’m like if you get with someone just tell me and I will do the same. Around Christmas I felt he was getting serious with this other woman and I was correct I would find out later.

So we had talked about maybe getting to meet in person again someday but I just had the overwhelming feeling that’s never gonna happen again. I told him that and we had a phone call and talked about some things and you know he told me she was his main partner. At this point, I’ve already figured it out on my own so it wasn’t a shock, but it hurt because why couldn’t he just tell me in the beginning as I had asked. We continue to text and a phone call here and there. Lately I mentioned some sexual desire and I said I’m sorry if I’m crossing any boundaries. He said nope not crossing any boundaries.

I was thinking about maybe we can see each other again. So I said hey, I might have some vacation time coming up where I can go to your part of the world. And he acted like that would be something he wanted. He would just need to work some things out with his main partner. OK, I understand that. Then we would have a phone call but the thing is he never made time for that phone call. And I get a text recently about him wanting to spend his energy on things that fulfill him. Which I understand I think that’s what we should all work on. Is this a nice way of him telling me to leave him alone? And why does he keep texting me? I’ve given him so many outs dude you don’t have to have me in your life you can stop texting me or whatever and I will be fine.

My main question is why doesn’t he just leave me alone? Why does he keep me around? He has said before he doesn’t want anyone to get hurt but I feel like I’ve been hurt more by his lack of honest communication than if he would say I don’t think we should talk anymore.

Maybe we are too different. Long distance makes everything more difficult. Honestly I doubt I know him very well. He is okay with lying and that is not okay with me. After typing, rereading and editing I realize I need to focus on me. Love to you all. I hope you can find the thing that makes you your priority.

My fiancé and I have been together for over a decade, and we’ve been practicing polyamory on and off for about seven years. Polyamory has always been something I’ve genuinely enjoyed—not just dating, but building meaningful connections, friendships, intimacy, and community with others.

Lately, I’ve found myself at a crossroads.
Over the course of our relationship, my partner has struggled with boundaries around monogamy and has cheated by seeking connections with the opposite gender outside of our agreements. It’s been painful, and we’ve spent a lot of time working through trust issues because of it.

Part of me is wondering if reopening our relationship might actually be healthier than continuing to try to force a structure that clearly isn’t working for him. My thought process is that if he feels a need to explore his sexuality and connections with others, I’d rather that happen ethically, transparently, and with consent than through dishonesty.

At the same time, this isn’t just about him.
I’ve realized there are needs of my own that aren’t being met within our relationship right now. Emotional intimacy, affection, feeling desired, and having opportunities to build meaningful connections are all things I’ve been craving. I genuinely enjoy being polyamorous, and I find myself wanting to explore those parts of my life again.
My concern is whether reopening because of infidelity history is setting ourselves up for failure. I don’t want polyamory to become a band-aid for deeper relationship issues, but I also don’t want to ignore the fact that I personally miss being poly and would like to reconnect with that part of myself.

Has anyone reopened a relationship after cheating occurred? How did you determine whether it was a genuine desire for ethical non-monogamy versus an attempt to fix existing problems? What conversations did you have before making that decision?
I’d love to hear from people who have been in similar situations, whether it worked out or not.

My girlfriend and I dated for about four months. We recently broke up over a trust issue, but after talking everything through we decided to get back together and work on rebuilding the relationship. you have a pretty strong connection and both missed each other during this time.

One thing that’s been on my mind is that even before we started dating, she mentioned that she’d be interested in an open relationship,but we both agreed to be in a monogamous relationship, so I didn’t think much of it. after that, there’s been a few points where she mentioned it, but she did say that if I am not comfortable with that, then she won’t bring it up.

Now that we’re back together, she’s brought it up again. This time she said she would be very open to an open relationship and has defended the idea when we’ve talked about it. I don’t want one. I want a monogamous relationship. when I explain why again she said that’s fine.

I’m trying to figure out if this is something people can genuinely work through, or if wanting completely different relationship structures is usually a sign of incompatibility. Has anyone been in a situation where one partner wanted to open the relationship but the other didn’t? How did it turn out?

One of my partners asks that I don’t talk to my other partners about any conflicts we have, since it would be bad hinging. All of us hang out regularly and get along well and I can’t imagine misrepresenting him in such a way that my other partners dislike him. I understand that he doesn’t want a game of telephone to happen. But not being able to talk to the people I love most when I am upset or anxious can feel very isolating. I am trying to figure out what is a healthy boundary here and what is controlling my ways of communication.

I recently started seeing a guy who is ploy. I know I want to try but not sure how to go about this. Can someone please help me out

I started dating a guy who is poly. He was up front about it I am just trying to navigate how everything works. He has asked for me to reach out and have some support for what I am feeling. I am feeling unsure on how I stack up with the others.

My primary partner, Mr.Green,of a year and a half has mentioned a few times hed like to meet my other partner Mr. Air. Mr.Green has communicated his anxieties that Mr.Air is not a part of the poly world. I had a brief romance with Mr.Air last year that I ended because I was simply too busy for a second commitment, we started dating again 2 months ago and things have been slowly progressing.

Mr.Green told me today I should tell Mr.Air about how wonderful it was meeting metamours and how it opened his community and how much he loved knowing other partners. I told Mr.Green that Mr.Air is not ready to meet yet and that I wasn't comfortable with him pressuring me to pressure him. He said I am sacrificing his own comfort for my new partners and that was hurtful to him and he didnt like it.

Am I in the wrong, I feel uncomfortable trying to convince someone to do something they arent comfortable with yet?

I was using the term metamour incorrectly and corrected it. Sorry for the confusion.

So long story short, got married 5 years ago to my college love , whom I still love and we are in an open relationship.. After marriage , we used to hang out with his friends very often , whom I used to know from college days itself . So we all became close eventually as families. Then my husband went to abroad for higher studies last year , I was alone and fighting depression. Our common friends took care of me during that year and always made sure I’m okay . One of the friends got closer to me during this time as we bonded over therapy and depression phase. Random day I was talking about open relationship and stuff , few days later he made a move and I resisted initially. Later I agreed and we started hooking up but we promised to keep it only sexual. Fast forward one year , he is madly in love with me and so do I . But I also love my husband , which my friend knows as well. I feel like my life would have better with this guy than my husband, but I’m worried about hurting my husband as I made a promise . So I’m stuck here.. any advice ?

As per header. New in this. I have come from a 25 year monogamous marriage that ended 6 months ago. My new love interest is polyamarous and has a partner. She was reacted badly when I came along but things seem OK now. I don't know if I'm supposed to have any feelings about all this. I feel happy with how things are. Am I supposed to have anything else like jealousy or anything else? Are these things that might come up in future?

First off, I want to bring up that I am not new poly. My husband, lets call him J, and I have been practicing for 10 years, but we had a recent style shift. He identifies as demisexual, while I am fraysexual, so I tend to have more casual connections while his will be deeper, more emotional, and few and far between.

For the past 2 months, hes been long distance dating a long time friend who lives on the other side of the country. Since he hasn't had anyone he wanted to get this involved with since the early days of our relationship, I was incredibly encouraging and supportive. When he said his new partner, let's called them C (they/them pronouns) , was coming over for the week so they could see what their chemistry was like, I was over the moon excited for them. I knew J wanted to shift to a Garden Party style of poly (we had been practicing parallel since day 1), so I pulled all the stops to make this person feel welcome. I cooked all the meals, set up all their favorite snacks in the pantry, I work at a Sephora so I gave them a skincare consultation and gifted them a ton of training product, I arranged clay workshop to give us all any activity to do together. Unfortunately, my efforts to get to know C were not reciprocal, so I felt a bit hurt for the whole week because i was putting so much effort into a person who gave me so little. With that plus my heavy workload, I ended up sobbing and breaking down due to stress on the last night and final morning

C left for back home 2 days ago, and J and C came to the conclusion that they would prefer to just be friends. For our post visit check in, my husband and I talked about our experiences, and I told him how I felt, and how I do not want to spend time with a person who obviously does not want to spend time with me. Next time, I think I'd rather get a hotel or an Airbnb to take care of myself more. He did not react well at all to that. Not that he was upset at me, he has overwhelming guilt that he put me in a situation that hurt me. He's still dealing with that feeling and I dont know how to support or console him. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

UPDATE; I hear what folx are saying. I will bring up that I was at work majority of the time for about 15 hours a day. J really wanted us to become friends, and when I was trying to set up a play date to give them more space, i was told I wasn't giving this dynamic a chance so I changed back to hanging out with them. Unfortunately this is how I host any guest in any relationship to me when they are in my home, so i think I'm right that I should have just removed myself from the situation

Hi so this is a long story but I’ll try to keep it short and sweet. My girlfriend and I have been together for 3 years and are primary partners (let’s call her Jessica). We live together and have plans to get married and have kids. My girlfriend has another partner who she’s been with for about 5 years (let’s call them Sam). Sam and Jessica don’t see each other very often (a couple times a month usually) and Sam always said they didn’t want kids, living together, marriage, etc.

Sam knew for about a year prior to us living together that we had plans to move in together. A few months before it happened Sam had a huge freak out and said they’re not comfortable with me and Jessica living together and made an explicit ask for us to postpone. Sam said they needed more time but couldn’t give an amount. Sam said actually they want cohabitation, marriage, etc. w Jessica and aren’t comfortable w me doing that with her. I told Jessica either we move in together or break up, and we moved in together. We have always had an agreement about relationship escalator steps being exclusive with one another, and she reaffirmed that’s what she still wants with me and not with Sam. I also asked for a transition from kitchen table to parallel. The thought of being around someone who wants to steal my partner away makes me want to throw up, and I know partners can’t be stolen away but ugh emotionally it still feels that way.

I feel like I’ve set all the boundaries I can but I still feel nauseous thinking about Jessica still being with Sam. Any advice?

Edit* For clarity, I am a male sub in a femdom / flr relationship for months.

Sub here. Been with a poly dom I really like.
Poly is an adjustment for me and I’ve been open about that.
I expressed the one thing that was a limit would be attempting to rank partners or put one in authority over me.

This was agreed. At the very least it was understood it would be emotionally hard to spring on me.

Scenario:
All partners attended a big event. I was instructed not to interact with my dom at this event as she was busy.
Other partners were able to interact.

Am I crazy for feeling that this is a breach of our agreement or at the very least a passive aggressive lash out towards me?

Trying to handle it submissively and need advice. Really dont want to fuck this up.

I hope this comes out in a way that makes sense. I'm in a monogamous marriage. We've been together for 15 years, and have a child together. I came out as poly almost 5 years ago. It was rough at first, but through therapy, both solo and as a couple, it got easier to grasp. We haven't opened the marriage yet because I can't seem to take that step. I feel overwhelmed that the second I try, our relationship won't last (we have discussed that possibility numerous times), and everything will fall apart because of me. I was curious to see if anybody else felt that foreboding sense of weight on their shoulders and how they dealt with it? I'm massively struggling. Thanks!

Hello all! This will probably be long, but I really hope to get some insight.

I have been very happy with my current partner for around 2 years. We've had our issues, but have been EXCELLENT at communicating through them.

Lately though, I have repeatedly felt rejected, dismissed and even abandoned a couple times. Not directly because of anything he has or has not done. I've tried really hard to communicate with him through these incidents, and he has tried very hard to be validating and understanding. Over the last week or so, I've been thinking about seeking another partner. Not because I'm unsatisfied with my current partner, but because I feel like my expectations of him are out of proportion for what he is capable of in his life right now.

For context: I'm a mental health therapist. I'm highly communicative and secure in my attachments (typically). But, I am also HIGHLY emotional (not reactive- I have big feelings, but they don't control my actions), and I can be highly needy in the attention/affection department of relationships. I've been poly for many years, but it has been over a year since I've dated anyone outside of this current relationship. I had another anchor-ish partner when we started seeing each other, but he moved out of state and is more like a comet connection now.

He is in the middle of a big life transition. he is just learning how to put himself first and prioritize his needs. He is living a sober life for the first time ever and is basically relearning who he is (or for the first time).

We have been wonderful support for each other for a long time. More recently, though, I have felt like I need more attention. At the same time, I don't want to take any time or attention from him and the life he is building for himself.

This is the first time he has been in a poly relationship. When we have discussed dating outside of our relationship, he is open, receptive, supportive, and communicative.

I can't help but wonder if I were dating or seeing someone else, if my expectations of him would ease up and lessen the pressure on him. If I could get some of the security and stability back without taking more time or attention away from the other priorities in his life right now.

I'm not looking for criticism or judgement on our relationship, but if anyone wants to give me some insight into when or if you *decide* to seek out another partner, or just let it happen naturally. And if you might relate to some of the things I've expressed feeling?

Reddit can be harsh sometimes, but I've been very impressed with how supportive the poly community is here. So thank you for that. 🩵💛🩷💜💙

I've been dating my partner for 3 years now. For the past three years, I've committed to them exclusively, but my desire for other sex partners has never gone away. One of the main issues is that I'm bisexual and strongly desire to have sexual experiences with the other gender, which is something I would never be able to do for as long as I'm with my partner. But at the same time, my partner is so incredibly important to me, and I genuinely can't imagine my life without them right now.

I want my desire for non-monogamy to go away :( But even after repressing it for years, it's still there. And it hurts not being able to explore my sexuality or see other people to meet my sexual needs. But at the same time, my partner meets all of my emotional needs in a romantic partner, and they are truly my best friend and someone I can see myself loving for the rest of my life.

What do I do in this case? I'm so conflicted :( I would need to break up with them to explore myself, but I dread the idea of breaking up.