r/polyadvice

I’ve been reflecting on how my views around hierarchy and structure in polyamory have shifted, and I’m struggling to tell what’s genuinely aligned for me vs what has been shaped by specific relationships (and by ideas I’ve internalized about what “good poly” is supposed to look like).

I think I carry some baggage around the idea that being “good” at poly means being as non-hierarchical and unstructured as possible, like wanting structure somehow means you’re less evolved, less secure, or doing poly “wrong.” I’m realizing that belief is in the background of a lot of this, and I’m trying to examine whether it’s actually mine.

I was dating someone who said they wanted “structure” and some level of hierarchy in their poly relationships. The thing is, we ended things before we ever got to fully unpack what that actually meant for them, and I’m realizing I never got clarity on whether we were talking about intentional agreements or something more fear driven.

From what little I knew, I sometimes got the sense that their need for structure might have been coming from insecurity/anxiety/avoidance rather than from grounded intentionality. But I also know I could be projecting or misreading that.

That relationship still hurts. It mattered deeply to me, and I think part of me is still trying to make sense of whether our incompatibility was real, or whether something could have been understood differently if we’d had those conversations.

At the same time, I’m currently seeing someone who doesn’t believe in hierarchy at all.

So now I’m sitting with this uncomfortable question: am I seriously reconsidering hierarchy/structure because part of me is still trying to make sense of (or maybe emotionally “save”) what I lost in my past relationship? Or am I resisting considering it because I don’t want to threaten the connection I have now or because I’ve absorbed the idea that “good poly” means not wanting it?

Basically, I’m trying to figure out:

How do you tell whether your relationship values are genuinely yours vs shaped by attachment to specific people or by community norms/ideals?
Have you ever realized you were rethinking your relational philosophy because of one specific person?
Have your views on hierarchy/structure changed depending on who you were with?
How do you sit with this kind of uncertainty honestly, without just choosing the belief system that protects the relationship you most want to keep?

I’m not looking for “hierarchy bad/non-hierarchy good” takes. I’m genuinely trying to understand myself better and separate my own values from relationship driven adaptation and internalized ideas about what poly is “supposed” to look like.

So I am in a trouble/triad. It's myself {F31}, my husband {M34}, and our girlfriend/wifey {also F31}; it happened fairly organically (connected of FetLife and met in person to see about chemistry but at least to be friends since we lived in the same town).

She works from home, he has his own business he runs from home, and I have a part time job. Originally, she worked into the evening, and I applied for a job with hours that would only have me out of the house for like 2 hours after she gets off. She got her hours changed the day after I accepted my position to now getting off 30 mins before my shift starts and I have to drive 50 mins to get there. Apparently she had put in to get her hours changed like two weeks prior to my acceptance but never told me.

So with my job taking me away from the house, and my sleep schedule being slightly different from theirs, him and her definitely get plenty of time together where they can do whatever they want.

But apparently I have to schedule any time I want intimacy with my husband. GF will literally make it so she can walk away from her computer and RUN to the room she hears me moaning in (I try very hard to be quiet cuz she also deals with phone calls).

If we stop when she comes in the room she gets upset cuz she thinks we don't want her in the room and don't find her attractive (I don't understand how when we are all over her when she isn't working). Then let's not talk about how insecure I got when she was implying they fucked while I was gone but he said they just made out and cuddled (I wouldn't care about them fucking but I don't like the two different stories shit cuz it makes me feel like they are sneaking behind my back)

It has gotten to the point I am loosing sleep trying to satisfy my needs alone in the living room til 4am and still not achieve said release. It's been over a month, and that was when she was house sitting for family.

I'm at my wits ends and just want to give up. My self depreciation is telling me that I don't deserve it, and my therapist (who is NOT really familiar with poly, but is the only therapist I can afford atm) says to schedule times.... Is that really the only solution? I want to set boundaries but every boundary I come up with in my head just sounds like a rule or so specific it's absurd.

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I am a nice bisexual lady who primarily dates women. Its always been a small pool. Having a male partner makes that even more so. I have noticed a huge dip in the number of matches I get. If feels like I hit 45 and my options went off a cliff. Is it possible thats a common age cut off for people? Is it just a decline in dating app use in general?

TL;DR told SO I wasn’t comfortable with being poly when we first started dating and he said it was fine. Now if I don’t allow him to explore his sexuality I’m hurting his mental health but it’s hurting me knowing that he’s sleeping with other people.

Not this thread. Obviously I’m here looking for advice because nobody else understands my situation and whenever I ask people I know they start disrespecting my partner to my face instead of providing real advice so I just end up keeping everything inside and Im just at a point where I want to shut everyone out including him.

This is a long one so buckle in.

My SO (24m) and I (26f), both bi, have been in a relationship for a little over 2 years now and he’s in the military . When we first started dating I was very specific with my intentions since I had a tough break up the year before. I wanted to make sure that my values and whoever else I was dating aligned. On one of our first few dates we went on he asked me if I was seeing anyone else because his intentions were dating to marry. I’ll admit I did agree to go on a date with him a few days after agreeing to go on a date with someone else but the other person had ghosted me a few weeks before and was trying to make up for it so I didn’t really consider us to be seeing each other.

Fast forward 4 months and I end up telling him this information because things are getting pretty serious and I didn’t want our relationship to be built on a foundation of mistruths.
He ended up revealing to me that he wasn’t entirely truthful either. Firstly, he and his ex had only been broken up for 2 weeks when we met. Secondly he told me he identified as poly and wanted to experiment more with his sexuality. I don’t just people for loving who they love or doing what they want with their bodies— shine on my friends— but I do feel as though this is something that you bring up sooner rather than later. I end up telling him that I don’t want to be in a polyamorous relationship and I’m confident in that I wouldn’t be able to handle it emotionally. I also expressed that if he wanted to explore I don’t think that I would be able to date him and get emotionally involved but we could still be friends, possibly with benefits if the vibes were there, but a serious relationship would be out of the question. He said it was just something he thinks about but if I didn’t want to then he wouldn’t because he was serious about dating me and didn’t want to lose me.

A few months later he gets deployed and almost instantly he brings it up again. Obviously I’ve heard all the stories about deployment so I tell him that I’ll be here when he gets back if he wants to go explore but again as long as he’s trying to see other people I’m not putting my heart into something that I know will hurt it. At this point I’ve been thinking about how to make it work for me bc I know for kinks consent is everything and if everyone isn’t happy then it’s not sexy so I try to come up with some middle ground like suggesting 3somes/ parallel as well as rules like only talking to potential playmates as a couple and not fucking our friends. Immediately went on about how those rules were inherently dangerous to him because he trusts his friends and how it’s weird to approach strangers as a couple just for sex, but we can move at whatever pace I feel comfortable.

Fast forward to him being home . Just a few weeks before Valentine’s Day we get into this huge fight because he’s tells me he’s gonna start to explore by himself and I can either be with him and leave. I told him I was tired of having the same fight if him not hearing me over and over and that I was going to leave and he started telling he that he knew I didn’t actually care about him. Now I’m pissed off at myself because it’s been 2 years and I feel like he doesn’t even care about me he just wants to make. After the fight we take a break and he immediately sleeps with one of his friends but wouldn’t tell me who or any other details because it was none of my business. Whenever I bring up sleeping with someone else he gets upset and tells me he doesn’t feel good then goes on about how his mental health is just so bad now from deployment.

It’s now been 3 months and I have no idea what the plot is anymore. He’s still calling me babe. He bought me a Costco membership and groceries after my surgery. He even called me his girlfriend to his sgt. But every week he gets busier and busier. He talks to me less and says it’s because he’s exhausted from work. He doesn’t come over as much because he’s got other projects he’s working on. The sex isn’t even as good anymore. I cum but it’s not the mind blowing stuff that was happening before the break. In fact I mostly just end up thinking that he’s probably fucking someone else the same way when he’s not with me and I end up crying while we have sex but he thinks tears are hot so I just don’t say anything (unfortunately I have a cnc kink so it’s kinda hot for me too but at the end of it I usually feel more ashamed than turned on)
He tried o convince me that now he’s okay with talking to me about me having new partners, but I just don’t trust sharing that part of me with him.

Am I being selfish?

My life-in partner and I have been together for 6 years now. When we met, I had been poly for about 5 years and she was pretty new to polyamory. As the years have gone on she’s become less and less okay with polyamory. She stopped looking for other partners, then asked me to not date anyone new while she figured things out. Recently she told me she can’t live a poly lifestyle or be in a relationship with a poly person.

I love her and the life we’ve built together but don’t know what to do. I’ve offered to close our relationship, but a week in its spiritually rough. I worked hard to accept myself, my feelings, and figure myself out as a polyamorous person. I’m not sure I *can* change, and I’m not sure I want to.

Hello this is my first post here but someone said I should find somewhere where people relate to me. I'm not going to hide anything I'm a dad of 2 and no they are handsome boys who are very much loved by me and their mother. I also thought me and my sons were both loved by my now ex partner. I am poly by birth and informed her of that I thought she was okay with it and honestly thought everything was going okay. I am not perfect and yes I fucked up but I valued communication above everything and wanted to know where I fucked up she never said and I think that's how we got here. A friend from a sport she does confessed to her which led this spiral downhill. She wanted monogamy and I am not opposed to that I guess she just doesn't want it with me which hurts a lot. I am trying to cope with the pain of being rejected but it's hard cause she works right next to me in my office. I feel ashamed of who I am and I am having a hard time believing that in my area someone who is poly can truly be loved. I live in New Mexico and I don't really know anyone else that is like me here.

Good evening reddit! I'm looking for advice for my new poly relationship

I'm F21, I have 2 partners: 3 years is 27M and 2 months 33M.

The last few months, I've been learning and experiencing new things, and sometimes I feel like I get a reality check sometimes.

M27 we've been together 3 years, he's my whole world, my safe person. Every person has their flaws and nobody is perfect, but I feel like the more I'm with M33 the more distant I feel with M27. And it's not M33's fault.

M33 and I met through Facebook dating, we are both poly. M27 isn't into poly but respects my relationship and we all communicate very well. Everything changed once me and M33 had s3x for the first time. I noticed how my needs in that area were met really well, and I grew obsessed with him. That "honeymoon phase" you call it I guess (I'm seeing a doctor for issues relating to that).

Today, me and M33 met up and we had a discussion about all 3 of us living together at some point as that's something I'd desire in the future, and he told me that he thinks M27 should also try to have his own place too to try and be more independent.

M27 is living with his parents still, got fired from his job, and doesn't receive any kind of income, so him supporting us has been tremendously difficult. And I feel that the more I reflect, the more I realize that M27 just really needs to get his shit together. I don't really consider it comparing, but I think it's just more of, M27 just needs help with many things in his life. I've tried helping him the best I can, but he just doesn't want help. For all 3 years we've been together, I've been begging him to treat his sleep apnea, and the teeth that's rotting from his face. He's very soon not gonna have teeth anymore, and he just doesn't seem to care! I've communicated so many times to him that he can turn to me for help or anything he's concerned about, but he just seems stuck. I don't know what to do for him and it feels like a lost cause.

The more I think about this, the more I desire to take a break with M27 and live with M33. M33 has been able to take care of me in more physical ways like feeding me food that's actually nutritious, a clean environment, etc. M27 doesn't cook, his parents only make rice and meat, and I'm not a meat eater and eating rice everyday is not ideal for me. There's cockroaches and ants where I am now with M27.

One thing that M27 helps with good though is making sure I take my medicine as I'm highly medicated. He always makes me happy, safe, and secure. But right now, I just feel like when I realize reality that something needs to change. Am I crazy and just being an asshole, or am I right to feel some of these? Please help!

I need some advice... just on how to handle things I guess and if things will work out maybe?

I (34f) have a nesting partner (34m) who is amazing never has a problem with me spending time with my other partner (35m) who has a nesting partner (34f).

This is where we run into the problems my partners nesting partner always says she never has a issue or anything and is fine BUT when we have a phone call or date or anything she suddenly will have some backhanded comment to make if she is around for even 10 minutes of it.

I am struggling to wrap my head around it as my nesting partner is so chill I guess. I always say thank you for my partners time to her if it somehow goes 10 mins into hers as its only polite. I just kinda dont get her issue.

The major issue is its starting to cause me real fears of abandonment. Im starting to feel she will never accept him being emotionally connected to someone else and will one day just tell him to leave me. He has assured me no matter what he would tell her it isn't happening and instead communication would need to happen but damn its messing with me.

For context my partner and his nesting partner have been poly for 10 years, me and my nesting partner around a year. Both nesting partners mentioned have relationships outside of this dynamic.

UPDATE: After speaking to my partner and explaining everything and using the "I" phrasing he spoke to his NP. It turns out she sees me as a threat. He apparently in the 10 years of poly has never had a meta he has had such a strong relationship with and it makes her extremly uncomfortable. Im unsure where to go from here and if I could offer her any reassurance as I honestly do not want to "take him away" I want to share his love with her. Should I maybe try and speak to her myself and convey my feelings? Maybe a letter? Or is this all down to him as the hinge to navigate?

Writing this as a sort of “AITA” because please tell me if I am out of line with how I am feeling.

AITA for canceling a weekend with my long-term partner after years of feeling emotionally neglected, and now feeling devastated that he seems to have withdrawn?

I (42F) have been in a long-term non-monogamous relationship with a man (43M) for about 3.5 years. We both have other partners/anchors. We are part of the same niche creative/performance community and our relationship started there. We have a deep emotional and physical connection, but our communication styles and emotional needs have always been very different.

To be fair to him: he is not a cruel person. He is reliable in many practical ways, kind in day-to-day interactions, intelligent, generous with hobbies/interests, and emotionally steady compared to me. He also has a tendency to avoid or shut down around difficult emotional conversations, especially if he feels criticized or overwhelmed.

I am much more emotionally expressive and attachment-oriented. I need reassurance, emotional closeness, collaborative repair after conflict, affection, and proactive communication. Over the years, I increasingly started feeling like I had to minimize my needs in order to preserve the relationship and avoid “heavy conversations.”

This has become especially painful because our relationship used to have a lot more physical and emotional intimacy and ritual around it. For almost three years, twice a month, every time he drove into the city to visit me, he would call me during the drive because he was lonely and wanted company. The car ride talks were one of the most consistent ones we maintained throughout. We would spend entire evenings together at community events cuddling, talking, reconnecting, then go on to have a nice weekend together, and feeling like a unit. We have spoken pretty much every day since we met except for a few short instances of “needing space,” which were always communicated ahead of time.

Over time those rituals and that emotional and physical closeness slowly started disappearing.

At the same time, he continued building connections with newer women in the community. I agreed to non-monogamy and never expected exclusivity, but I started feeling increasingly emotionally and physically abandoned while watching him offer excitement, attention, flirtation, and intimacy to newer connections that I no longer felt from him consistently myself.

I can also admit that over time I became reactive to witnessing him being so attentive to other partners even if the connection was tenuous or platonic, that I did have emotional reactions (crying, sulking, stress response), and I understand that over time that had led him to feel stressed about sharing the space - but all the rituals I asked him to help us both were rejected as controlling for example: routine check ins, boomerangs, verbal reassurance. It was all kind of framed as me being controlling of him because he was “spending the weekend with me anyway” so why was I upset that he was attentive to someone else for a few hours?”

He didn’t seem to understand that it hurt to see him holding hands with someone and cuddling when that’s not something he would offer me in the same space.

I offered to step away from the community space so he could pursue connections without the “pressure” of worrying if I’ll get upset with him for it. I realize this is me grossly over-functioning in the relationship.

Outside the shared space I also many times tried to address the lose of closeness and intimacy and was rebuffed often - eventually yes I did get pushy and emotional about it and he admitted it made him not want to be intimate or close to feel like he was “on trial” and overwhelmed. To be clear I do “angry cry” a lot but I do not believe my harsh hurt words fell into the abusive or toxic sphere - the worst I’ve called him is “kind of a jerk,” and “selfish”. He also rarely admitted that he was the one to withdraw intimacy without real cause or explanation in the first place - eventually he would admit to me he had mental health struggles or family stress at home, but a lot of the time his behaviour simply went unexplained - guys he stopped saying my name for like six months at one point. I have just felt so alone and like the only one that cared to acknowledge the changes and growing distance between us.

One recent example: we had talked multiple times over the years about someday taking a trip together related to our shared interests. We last spoke about a shared trip two weeks ago! Just this week he told me he booked that exact kind of trip solo and later told me he was nervous because it would be his first time traveling alone in almost 20 years. It was almost as if he was underscoring going by himself… when I had offered to travel with him many times in the past - something he seemed to want as well in the past, but not this time. So, that absolutely crushed me because it felt like I had been erased from a shared dream we had actively discussed together.

A month ago, he made plans to come into the city Friday night to spend time with a newer connection at our shared community space and then stay at my apartment afterward for the rest of the weekend. I tried to talk to him about it two weeks ago because I was already feeling anxious and emotionally unsafe about the setup. The conversation didn’t really go anywhere because he said he wanted a lighter conversation at the time and later admitted difficult conversations can take away his excitement about seeing me.

He never offered me a time or solution for how to have “heavy” conversations.

That comment really broke something in me emotionally because I realized I had spent a long time trying to phrase things “correctly” and suppress difficult feelings so I wouldn’t ruin closeness or create tension. But eventually things would still bubble over because the underlying issues were never actually resolved. At the end of the day it didn’t matter if I brought things up and asked for reassurance or repair or if I tried to stay positive, the relationship closeness continued to decline with only the most minimal improvements - to give you an example he stopped kissing me consistently maybe 2 years ago. So we went down to like one kiss a month unless I initiated it, but the last time we hung out he kissed me like four or five times.

So maybe it’s “emotional girl math” but a few kisses while so lovely and so welcome don’t exactly erase months of neglect. In the moment I was happy it happened and told him so but in the big picture I was still feeling like that was such a tiny step up a steep steep hill.

But he would see my complaint about “not enough kissing” and say he just kissed me last time he was here so why am I still complaining?

That’s what I have to deal with balancing - showing appreciation for the small steps and the effort he DOES show me while not erasing the larger picture of long term decline and neglect. The deficit of kisses can’t be erased by one nice weekend of kisses. Right?

So here we are!

Yesterday (Thursday morning) I realized I could not emotionally handle the weekend as planned and canceled.

I felt in my heart that I would be waiting all of Friday night for him to come home - he never volunteered what his plans were and what time he might be back, so feeling anxious and rejected about the recent trip and with no recourse for reassurance or support from him after he told me heavy conversations were a turn-off, I kind of became scared of getting upset, crying and “ruining the weekend,” when he eventually came home.

Folks, I was spiralling because after so many years of being told I am controlling and manipulative when I wanted clarity and clear plans and expectations when sharing time and space with other partners, that I felt genuinely afraid to even ask him “what time are you coming home on Friday after your meet up with [new partner]?”

I didn’t admit that to him.

Instead, I told him I felt overwhelmed, afraid to have needs, and exhausted from trying to stay positive all the time. He engaged in the conversation somewhat and asked a few clarifying questions, but after that… almost nothing.

No goodnight. No good morning. No “I’m processing.” No reassurance. No discussion about what the weekend plan now even is.

Meanwhile he still appears to have gone ahead with his plans to meet the other woman tonight. Omitting our usual long drive call, giving me just nothing at all.

I feel devastated because I have never canceled a weekend before in three years. He has canceled on me before because of relationship tension or emotional issues and I never froze him out afterward. But now that I finally hit my own breaking point, I feel completely alone.

Part of me is furious and wants to burn the entire relationship down publicly because I feel like I have spent years overfunctioning emotionally for someone who fundamentally cannot tolerate reasonable relational discomfort long enough to actually repair anything. Another part of me still desperately wants him to call me, hug me, tell me he loves me, and come home tonight.

I honestly don’t know anymore whether I’m dealing with an emotionally avoidant but caring person who is overwhelmed, or someone who has been slowly emotionally abandoning me for years while I kept trying harder and harder to save the relationship - and failing obviously many times.

AITA for feeling super hurt by this silence after canceling the weekend and feeling like this relationship has become emotionally unsustainable for me?

I (NB/25) am in a relationship with 4 other people - But really the one I'm having issues with is my boyfriend (FTM/26) - we'll call him Red.

Red & I first got together in 2021 and when we started dating, he was using she/they and hadn't began the process of transitioning yet. We didn't go poly until the end of 2024 / beginning of 2025 and began dating another couple - Blue (NB/26) & Green (NB/26).

Red was diagnosed with BPD in 2024 and the symptoms of it really started to rear their head when the four of us started dating - couldn't handle me doing something for someone else without getting jealous, letting emotions pile up and not saying anything until he would explode on me, and just overall responding with intense emotion to almost everything that happened that he didn't like.

We had been having issues between the two of us prior to going poly - he's not super social, doesn't really like being affectionate, and never really showed interest in the things I like or what I care about, didn't ask me how I was doing, etc, all while expecting emotional support and understanding from me when he was flying off the handle - it seems like things were improving after we started dating Blue & Green, but things just steadily declined until in November of last year, I broke it off with Red and Blue & Green severely limited their contact with him.

It was terrible. He didn't see the breakup coming, chased me outside after I went to leave and begged me not to leave him while crying and slamming his fists on the ground. It broke my heart. I didn't want to break up with him, but I had asked him so many times at this point to get into DBT and get a handle on his emotions and he never did. I just had enough of it.

Fast forward to March of 2026, he had been in DBT for about 4 months and was showing a lot of improvement, especially towards me. He began dating a new person Yellow (NB/22) and over the course of March, we all gradually started seeing each other again.

He seemed really into the idea of being with me again during our breakup and all of March and then it just... stopped ? He stopped texting me as much, put almost no effort into reaching out, and has just sort of been apathetic towards me in general and if not that, he's just been an outright dickhead to me.

At Yellow's birthday party last week, I pulled Red aside to talk about why he hadn't been affectionate towards me in a while and why he's sort of just a cunt to me all the time.

He tried to dodge my questions multiple times before finally saying:

"I don't understand why you don't get that you breaking up with me made me hate you for a while. I was literally on the ground begging you to stay and you left me anyway. I know you asked me to get help multiple times and I never did it, but that doesn't change the way I feel. It's hard to want to kiss you or love you when you left me like you did. I don't know what will help either. I'm just angry at you."

Mind you, this is the same guy that - back in March - went on a date with Blue & I to a museum, spending over 10 hours with him that day, asked me to go and pick up his medication for him at the pharmacy because he didn't feel good. I went, and his prescription wasn't filled. I called him and let him know, and he wanted to stop back at his place to hangout longer and give him a kiss. I told him that we would see him tomorrow (karaoke - that's the weekly plan for all of us) and he absolutely crashed the fuck out on me for hours, saying I didn't care about him, blowing my phone up with angry texts, calling me endlessly over and over again to continue to argue about how terrible it was that I didn't stop back at his apartment to give him a kiss after spending the entire day together and going to try to get his medicine for him, which wasn't filled.

What the fuck am I doing wrong ?

Please don't just delete my post, im begging for help here and every subreddit I post on just deleted it and I'm left here not knowing where to go or who to talk to. Every Reddit group has like a billion rules and I can't remember every single one for every different group. Please actually talk to me rather than just abandoning me like everyone seems to want to do.

I'd like to preface this by saying I'm not looking for flirting or dating or anything like that, I'm trying to figure out how I fail so spectacularly every single time. No one ever tells me why. I need someone honest and respectful.

I have never had any problems making friends with women. In fact, I'd say through most of my life I've had more female friends than male. That's part of why my situation now is so shattering, I can barely even talk to women now because I'm so terrified that this will be the interaction that finally pushes me over the edge of depression.

I have tried to get therapy - unfortunately it's almost impossible in the UK right now, as most therapists are fully booked or too expensive, or absolutely terrible at their job. I still send emails every week trying to find one but I haven't had any luck in months.

I don't want to go too into the exact situation here because I already feel like the most pathetic man in existence and the embarrassment of even being in this situation is already too much to bear.

I already have a partner, but they are asexual, and that seems to be a theme. I love my partner more than life itself and I don't blame them in any way. But it's starting to affect me that the only people that are interested in me are people with no sexual desire. I used to think I was absolutely hideous, but I do occasionally have people showing interest. It just seems to be as soon as they find out anything about me, that attraction and interest evaporates in front of my eyes and I can watch as the messages go from flirty and engaging to one word answers, dismissive replies and eventually ghosting.

I seem to have a two part filter. We start talking and they're definitely interested, flirty even. Even going as far as sending spicy pics, which is usually the furthest I get. Then, at some point, it inevitably comes up that I am disabled with some muscular problems. That usually is enough to start the "change". If it doesn't, it's usually the next thing. As soon as people find out I am traumatised by power dynamics in sex (both Doms AND subs), they definitely change then. All attraction evaporates immediately.

Some people say I should put this in my bio to filter out ableist people and the people who seem to be exclusively looking for Doms and subs. But when I do that.....I get zero replies. Zero matches. Zero interest at all. I need to hide it and then hope that they like my personality, so that when they find out there's a tiny chance that they might stick around because they like me as a person.

People also told me to talk to more LGBT+ people as they were "more welcoming". Unfortunately that hasn't been my experience either. In fact, some of the worst interactions I've ever had was with LGBT+ people, who have even belittled me and bullied me because I didn't want to be a Dom or a sub. These were some of the interactions that truly made me terrified of women. I even needed to hospitalise myself after one particularly venomous interaction.

Are power dynamics essential for sexual interactions now? I knew they were a thing, I just didn't expect it to be like....100% of people I meet.

Please send me a message rather than a comment, I don't like talking about this publicly and will probably end up deleting this humiliating post as soon as I can.

I (f) have a meta (f) with HSV2. They’ve had two outbreaks in the past 6 months. She and our shared partner (m) have sex without condoms a couple times per week without condoms. He and I exclusively use condoms (this is at my request, mainly due to the known hsv2). This has been the arrangement for about 4 months. Today, my partner told me they’d had sex a few days into one of her outbreaks. I am really trying not to react based on stigma, but that made me uncomfortable. I would be far more comfortable if the two of them wore condoms, but I am unsure if it’s an overstep to ask them to de-escalate their relationship in that way. I would be comfortable enough continuing as we have been, but it almost feels unfair, that we are taking this precaution and they are not. Thoughts?

EDIT: I am a 33m , partner is a 23f to clarify

Me and my girl have been together a year , I knew her a year prior casually and we became friends

She’s amazing, incredibly supportive and genuine . She has made sacrifices for me ( and I her ) and we are at the phase of moving in together recently . We are getting serious about our future and communicate often .

Even before dating I knew how sexual she was and the fact she was very experienced in all sorts of ways that I am not . She is 23f I am 33m and she has over 100 partners , to my 30-50. She also is queer and has had sexual partners of all genders / sexual orientations / much older partners / trans /bondage and orgy situations etc .

I knew all of this going in and none of it bothers me , I actually think it’s really hot how open she is because she matches my freak more than any partner I’ve had , but I’m realizing to her that our ssx life might be relatively vanilla .

She has a lot of friends in poly relationships as well. We have been fully monogamous thru our relationship and she recently hinted ( pretty directly ) at a MFM threesome .

I should start by saying the early months were confusing for me , as she is naturally very flirtatious and provocative . I used to get blind sided by ways she would interact with people in public / events parties etc . She always understood , always admitted it was something she’s never really had to think about and she has made changes . Long story short , It was getting to the point I was starting to feel controlling
She has not crossed any lines of what I see as a “normal” committed relationship . no cheating , nothing malicious or sneaky at all . Anything inappropriate was always right in front of me , and she was always caught off guard and apologetic when it did bother me .

Recently something clicked . She is who she is , and I was aware of who she was . I was ignorant , and she’s young and I do believe she is in love with me like no other person she’s experienced this far in her life ( same with me ).

I’m worried that the expectation of a monogamous relationship may be what breaks us in the long run . I want her to be satisfied and happy and herself . She even said we will always be a package deal in any poly situation as we talked a bit more about it . I have never even breached the thought of a poly relationship , but with her it doesn’t seem like a “bad” thing to me because of how much I love her .

She had a very long roster of sexual partners before we committed , I’m not insecure about her loyalty . She chose me , after a year of knowing her causally and seeing how often she ended things with people due to their need for commitment .

How do I navigate this in my head and heart? I can’t figure out how I feel , but it’s less about her and more about me . Do I try this out , and if I can’t handle it then maybe letting her go is the right thing to do anyway so she does not have to minimize herself and her sexuality ?

Sorry I know this is terribly written . Spiralling a bit

Hi, after my partner tried drag me into a poly relationship, and after a few sessions of couples therapy, I decided to end things in the most respectful way that I can.

I talk to my partner on how we want different things from a relationship, and that our wants are incompatible, at least right now.

I want more security and accountabily, she wants space to figure herself out, because she feels she "lived for this relationship" for the past 3 years. Part of her proposing poly it's because it's something she feels is essential to her.

And that's fine, it absolutely is.

But when I talk about breaking up, she asks why, and says we can find a middle ground between things.

Just for context: She brought up poly already developing a connection with someone, I made clear my uneasiness with it, she downplayed saying she was "trying to figure out" what she wanted with this other person. After checking her phone (which is wrong) I found some pictures of them kissing and cuddling, which led to a huge fight and our first break up, but we reconciled soon.

But in couples therapy, I'm finding that things simply don't add up, that she acted based on things that I didn't expressed, and the boundaries that I made clear were worthless because she "tought I changed" my views.

This is making me reevaluate the whole relationship, all 4 years of it, because I thought we had a strong communication and basis for respect, which I'm realizing is not the case. She says we're "starting a new relationship", but it just sounds like she wants to move on quickly, without ever realizing the depth of what she did.

Sorry, I'm rambling, when I write I start to see thing clearly.

The point is, I'm trying to break up respectfully. We had a great time together, and I don't want to go out calling her a liar or anything like that. She keeps hanging on and I don't know what to do

I'm pretty new to poly (a few months in) and I've been dating someone who has a long term partner. He's openly poly, she knows about me, and I've even spoken to her a few times. So on paper, everything is fine.

But I'm struggling. Not with jealousy, honestly. More with confusion. I can't tell if the things I'm feeling mean poly isn't for me, or if he's just not great at being a hinge.

Here's what keeps happening:

He'll say things like "see you next week" or "let's do Thursday" but then never follow through with an actual plan. I'm usually the one who has to reach out to confirm, and even then, sometimes he cancels last minute. A few times he's cancelled with a reason that makes sense (something work related or something with his partner), but it keeps happening.

When we're together, he's really warm and present. But in between, he goes silent for days. Sometimes I won't hear from him for nearly a week. Then he'll pop back up like nothing happened, being sweet and affectionate, and I get whiplash.

I've tried to be honest with him a couple of times about feeling disappointed or confused. Once I told him I was feeling a bit depressed and he acknowledged it quickly but then moved on to another topic. Another time I told him I was disappointed about a cancellation and he just didn't reply for hours. He eventually came back warm, but the hard part of the conversation just got skipped.

I've been trying so hard to be casual and chill. But that's not actually how I'm wired. I'm full on. I care a lot. I need consistency, even in something casual. I'm not asking to be a priority over his partner or for more time than he can give. I just need to not feel like an afterthought. I need follow through. I need to not be left wondering all the time.

I also don't know if this is just how it is when you're new to poly and dating someone with a primary. Like, am I expecting too much? Or is this genuinely just a bad hinge situation?

So I guess I'm trying to figure out a few things:

Is this just what it's like to date someone with a primary partner? Or is he just not very good at poly?

And bigger picture, is poly even a good fit for someone like me who is full on and needs consistency? Or am I just setting myself up to feel hurt?

I'd really love to hear from other people who are new to poly and figuring it out. Or people who date folks with primaries and have figured out what's reasonable to expect. And honestly, I'd love to hear from other "full on" people who do poly and how they navigate it.

I don't even know exactly what I'm asking. I just know I feel confused and tired and a bit alone in this. Would mean a lot to hear from people who get it.

Please be kind. I'm genuinely trying to learn, not looking to be told I'm doing poly wrong.

Thanks for reading.

currently me n my partner are apart for the next two weeks so i don’t want to start any big conversations without it being face to face, but just wanted an overall/generalised insight just so i can understand a bit before having the conversation

my partner is poly and something they need whilst in a relationship is other sexual partners. neither of us are talking/sleeping with other people rn as we have decided together we want to build the foundation of our relationship before opening it up (i know this comes with conflicting opinions but this is not the point of the post). anyway. i am very new to this and i guess what i am wondering, without sounding ignorant or dismissive, is why someone would want other partners. i am not against it at all i’m just genuinely curious as to reasons behind it, if there is any. i would more so understand if there was a misalignment in our libidos and kinks, as i would get my partner wanting to seek out experiences which satisfy their needs and allows them to experiment with kinks, but this is not the case and is confusing me.

any thoughts? thank you for reading

We were intimate first thing (I asked him if he wanted to kiss). On second hang, I told him I wanted to be just friends due to a personal situation I was going through (still am but trying to get a better grip on situation). He then proceeded to say “I wasn’t actually looking for a relationship” then week later, I felt feelings after hanging again as “just friends” but we had slight flirting such as him speaking French to me (it made me melt in my seat), I felt him glancing at me doing a double take after I was laughing. He tends to do that whenever I laugh, he would give me this silent sweet content smile. Same when we were watching a movie and he held my hand caressing my finger.

We would have slight glances at each other when we were just talking sitting in front of each other. It was awkward but so cute. I felt good vibes.

He’s farted in-front of me on the 3rd hang lol idk if that means anything? He seemed a bit embarrassed when I caught him and I made a joke out of it saying I find farts funny and my farts are stinky lmao. He started laughing. I wanted to make him feel comfortable and not embarrassed.

I finally told him days later that I enjoy talking to him, saying I wanted to take things slow and he said “I like you too, we can totally take things slow”

Fast forward, we’ve been seeing eachother for about a month now. We’ve hung out about 7 times so far. We talk almost daily. He initiates and at times, checks up on me. We send each other reels and talk silly banter. It’s fun. I love talking to him and enjoy being around him.

I started wondering how he genuinely felt about me and was curious. So I decided to ask him “do you want to be a friends with benefits sort of thing or date or what” question.

His Voice message: “Um well, I mean, I mean, it depends on you. Um not really sure because a little while back, I figured that I wanted to be monogamous and I was dating this one girl but then she broke up with me and wasn't really sure and so currently, l've been seeing a few different people. I've been seeing three people counting you and I don't really know. I think I'm enjoying seeing multiple people. So like I could maybe see myself being poly. I I do think that like long long term it's not what I want to do. But also like in the short term, it would be doable. Um so it's kind of up to you. If you want to like date or just be friends with benefits. Um I mean it kind of depends on which you prefer.
Uh because I'm open to both, I think.”

I was still contemplating what to respond and he sent another message right after asking, “Sooo what would you like to do?”

I responded telling him that I would like to continue dating instead of just friends with benefits. He said “Ok!”. He proceeds to message me, initiate , and asked if I’d like to hang with him this weekend.

Note: we met on tinder and are both newly poly. I have been poly for a year but haven’t dated anyone really. I’m open to dating people and him seeing others but I’m not planning on dating a whole bunch of people especially at the moment.

I like talking to him and being around him.

When I deactivated my Facebook, he messaged me asking if I deleted it. He also messaged me apparently beforehand asking if I made it home safe after I left his house.

I just worry that it is too good to be true or that he actually doesn’t genuinely like me. I’m not used to being pursued by someone I like or just anyone really. I’m not used to dating. I keep having “I’m not worthy of love” imbedded in my brain.

Hi! I apologize if this isn’t allowed. My partner (30M) and me (30F) are new to poly. We’ve had threesomes in the past, but nothing that ever turned into a relationship.

We met this girl recently that we both hit it off with. It felt like she met our relationship very well.

The last time we all had sex was good. But I noticed my partner really enjoyed it. Like really. Like they’ve never sounded like that with me or have enjoyed themselves that much.

Long story short I ended up asking them what they would rank the sex with our new partner. And they said a 9. When I asked what they would rank sex with me, they said a 6.

I know it was my fault for asking the question in the first place, but I also felt like I just needed to hear it bc I was already thinking it anyway.

My question is, is this something to take pause at? Should we discontinue the relationship until I can work on my hurt feelings/jealousy. Or is this something that we should consider working through? TIA

Hello everyone, I (24m) and my wife (23f) have been in a relationship for 3 years. Early on they have expressed to me that the way they view friendship and relationships are different to the norm. There isn’t much differentiation. From the research I’ve done the world align most with Relationship Anarchist I think.
So about 6 months-1 year in my partner wanted to open up the relationship a bit by being able to flirt and kiss other people. Which I was and still am okay with. I also ended up expanding our boundaries. We communicate a lot and are always making sure we are happy, comfortable, and secure in our relationship.

Well before we got engaged (not 100% when) she brought up the idea of an open relationship/poly relationship. I didn’t turn it down and was very open to talk and discuss as is our usual. So for the last 2 years maybe we have been having a lot of discussion about the possibility of us opening up our marriage to be polyamorous. I still have a few reservations, but I’m doing a lot of research and therapy to try to get to a point where I am comfortable with it.

About 9 months ago I found out that she had escalated a relationship she had with one of her friends to being boyfriend/girlfriend/partners and didn’t ask me about it or communicate it until a couple months later. At this point we can flirt, kiss, makeout, send explicit content, and she can suck/touch tits. However, our discussions didn’t cover allowing for other relationships other than friendships. To me it would be obvious that if it wasn’t explicitly discussed then it is a no go. (We have since had many many many conversations about this and are actively working through it.)

My first question is: Could you move forward and feel safe in an open relationship/polyamorous relationship if your partner had already cheated on you while exploring with the lifestyle?

What would you need to feel comfortable moving forward?

My second topic is sexual in nature. I do not feel comfortable with my wife having sex with others, but I want to feel comfortable with it. I know there is jealousy, possessiveness, and ownership issues in my mind that I’m trying to resolve. But how do y’all deal with it? How can you have a partner go have sex with another person and come back to you and feel okay about having sex with them?

Any insight and advice is wanted and welcome. I look forward to your input. Thank you all and much love. 🫶

I (31NB) have been seeing a guy (61M) that I met on Grindr back in November ‘24. He is married to a woman, and says it’s DADT. I have my grievances with that but for the most part I believe it genuinely is that, and it’s not cheating. For context I have BPD and I am mono. I am unsure if he would describe himself as poly, but he says he has the capacity to love multiple people so I guess so? He’s not really into hook ups, more building a bond with someone. The first time we met up we hit it off right away and began texting 24/7. At first he called it FWB+ which I had never heard of, then said it was a relationship but I didn’t really want to call it that. It made it seem so real, when it wasn’t.

I was in love him but I was scared to tell him, eventually I did. He said it back a few months later. He became my favourite person way too quickly, but he wasn’t put off by that unless I was having a splitting episode.

We meet on average once every 3/4 weeks, sometimes more often and sometimes less. Texting can be frequent and then we have dry spells. I’m slowly learning to make peace with that fact that if he doesn’t message daily, it doesn’t change things. He has a very busy life with three jobs, so sometimes it is hard to fit anything else in and I understand that.

However I have had several meltdowns, breakdowns whatever you want to call it because of this ‘relationship’. When it’s good it’s really good and when it’s bad it’s really bad. He understands my feelings are complicated because essentially I am in love with someone I cannot fully be with, but I also do not want to lose him completely. It’s like a vicious circle of emotions. Part of me knows I need to end it, but I don’t want to never see him again. But at the same time it hurts so much, and I need to put myself first.

I recently told him I have a crush on an older guy I sometimes see at my job, and he says I should go for it. Once I started talking about it more, he genuinely teared up and said he hopes it goes well. Initially I took this as he just wants rid of me, but I realised he just wants to see me happy and with someone who has more time for me. He’s a great guy, it’s just an unfortunate situation. I used to sit for hours thinking about what it would be like if we were married etc, but I stopped doing that because I made me insanely depressed lmao.

Can anyone else relate at all? Has anyone been in a similar mono/polo situation? Advice is always welcome but this is mainly for a discussion.