Advice wanted
My fiancé and I have been together for over a decade, and we’ve been practicing polyamory on and off for about seven years. Polyamory has always been something I’ve genuinely enjoyed—not just dating, but building meaningful connections, friendships, intimacy, and community with others.
Lately, I’ve found myself at a crossroads.
Over the course of our relationship, my partner has struggled with boundaries around monogamy and has cheated by seeking connections with the opposite gender outside of our agreements. It’s been painful, and we’ve spent a lot of time working through trust issues because of it.
Part of me is wondering if reopening our relationship might actually be healthier than continuing to try to force a structure that clearly isn’t working for him. My thought process is that if he feels a need to explore his sexuality and connections with others, I’d rather that happen ethically, transparently, and with consent than through dishonesty.
At the same time, this isn’t just about him.
I’ve realized there are needs of my own that aren’t being met within our relationship right now. Emotional intimacy, affection, feeling desired, and having opportunities to build meaningful connections are all things I’ve been craving. I genuinely enjoy being polyamorous, and I find myself wanting to explore those parts of my life again.
My concern is whether reopening because of infidelity history is setting ourselves up for failure. I don’t want polyamory to become a band-aid for deeper relationship issues, but I also don’t want to ignore the fact that I personally miss being poly and would like to reconnect with that part of myself.
Has anyone reopened a relationship after cheating occurred? How did you determine whether it was a genuine desire for ethical non-monogamy versus an attempt to fix existing problems? What conversations did you have before making that decision?
I’d love to hear from people who have been in similar situations, whether it worked out or not.