Non-monogamous man, monogamous woman—deep connection, real feelings, but a painful reality. Has anyone been here?
Title: Non-monogamous man, monogamous woman—deep connection, real feelings, but a painful reality. Has anyone been here?
I’ve been seeing someone for about 5-6 months. We met online and connected deeply over text before even meeting in person—the kind of connection that felt immediate and unlike anything I’d experienced before. He’s a personal trainer in his mid-thirties, I’m 24, first gen college student on a pre-med path.
From day one he was completely transparent—he’s non-monogamous, has long term partners and sexual partners, and doesn’t believe a title is necessary. I’m monogamous by nature, a hopeless romantic, and eventually want marriage. We both knew this going in.
Despite knowing this we continued because what we have genuinely felt organic and wholesome from the very first time we met. We connect emotionally, intellectually and physically in a way neither of us expected. He sends voice memos, remembered my birthday, checks in genuinely, has been honest and communicative from the very beginning. He’s never lied to me or pretended to be something he’s not.
What makes this complicated is that he’s also said things like values change through experience and time—referencing his own non-monogamy as something that isn’t necessarily fixed. He’s said he’s open to whatever this becomes. He’s said what we have is not just good but great. He calls it unique. He says time is invaluable to him and he gives it to me willingly. When I told him I needed space before a trip he said he’s not going anywhere and supported me fully. When I sent him a vulnerable message confessing my feelings had grown he responded with a long heartfelt voice memo saying he likes me deeply, values our dynamic, wants to keep nurturing it and wants to keep me in his life—but also said he won’t change who he is.
The part that stings—he just disclosed he had a play session with a long term partner since we last saw each other. He told me because I asked for that transparency. And even though I wanted honesty, receiving it hit completely differently than I expected. The idea of him being with someone else is hard to sit with even though I went into this knowing.
I’m not naive. I know what this is. But I also can’t fully walk away because the connection is real and he keeps showing up in ways that feel like more than casual. I don’t want to fall in love with someone who by design can’t receive that love the way I need to give it. But I also can’t seem to let go.
Has anyone been in something like this? How do you protect your heart when the connection is genuinely real but the structure isn’t built for what you ultimately need? And for those who’ve been the monogamous person in this situation—did it ever evolve or did you eventually have to walk away?