u/KarpGrinder

Greetings everyone,

The r/OpenMarriageRegret community has just crossed the 35,000 registered members threshold. Thank you to everyone that have helped raise awareness of this community and the perils of non-mono relationships in general.

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The addition of post flairs to clarify that content is a "Cross-Post" has drastically reduced instances of potential brigading, and is recommended when sharing a cross-post here unless another flair fits more appropriately. Please feel free to recommend any new user or post flairs that you'd like to see added in the "Post and User Flair deployed" post here.

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Community input is being requested on the creation of a glossary of common terms and acronyms:

The current glossary of common terms and phrases (Work in progress):

Term	Translation (Formal)	OMR Translation (Satire)
Ace, Asexual	Asexual, a person that has low/no desire for sexual intimacy.	-
Agender	A person that feels that neither binary gender applies to them.	-
Anchor Partner	The “Central” figure in a person’s life (i.e.: Spouse).	-
Aromantic	Having low or nonexistent romantic imperative or interest.	-
Barriers	Physical protection to the exchange of sexual fluids (typically condoms).	-
Bisexual	A person who has attraction to both sexes.	-
Chosen Family	People that are chosen to be one’s family in place of blood-related family members.	-
Cis, Cisgender	A person that identifies with the gender they were assigned at birth.	-
Closed Polycule, Polyfidelitous Relationship, Polyfi	Groups of people who have decided not to see people outside of their existing relationship networks.	-
Comet	A long-distance relationship where the partners only meet in person rarely.	-
Compersion	Happiness at the joy of one’s partner.	-
Consensual Non-Monogamy, non-mono	A relationship structure in which all partners are aware and consenting to some form of non-monogamy	-
Cowboy, Cowgirl, Cowpoke	Someone who acts polyamorous and then after forming a relationship, tries to remove their partner from the polycule to be monogamous with them.	-
DADT	“Don't Ask, Don't Tell”.	-
Demiromantic, Demi	A person who only has romantic attraction with people who they already have an emotional connection to.	-
Dyad	A relationship of two people, either monogamous or the relationship between any two people.	-
ERE	Established Relationship Energy, opposite of “New Relationship Energy” (NRE). The comfortable feeling of a longer-term relationship.	-
Fluid Bonding	Intentionally not using barriers for sexual activities in order to exchange potentially hazardous fluids.	-
Friend-With-Benefits, FWB	A sexual relationship with someone that is not a remonatic connection	-
Genderqueer	A person who identifies as outside the categories of man and woman.	-
Heterosexual	Having sexual attraction to the opposite binary gender.	-
Hierarchical Relationships	Relationships in which certain partnerships are prioritized above others and/or given additional powers in rule-setting.	-
Hinge	The shared partner between two people.	-
Homosexual	Having sexual attraction to people with one’s own gender identity.	-
Kitchen Table Polyamory, KTP	A style of relationship in which the interrelationship of a network, and the integration of multiple romantic relationships into one life or group, is prioritized.	-
LDR	“Long Distance Relationship”. A relationship where the partners are physically distant from one another.	-
Limerance	A romantic attraction to another person that includes obsessive thoughts and fantasies and a desire to form or maintain a relationship	-
LTR	“Long Term Relationship”	-
Metamour, Meta	The other partner of one’s partner.	-
Nesting Partner	A partner with whom one shares a home.	-
NRE	“New Relationship Energy”. Excitement that comes with a new relationship and its early stages, the result of oxcytocin and vasopressin. Similar to “Limerance”.	-
Nonbinary, NB, enby	A person that feels neither binary gender applies to them.	-
Non-Hierarchical Relationship	Relationships that attempt equal autonomy and standing of relationships rather than prioritizing one over another.	-
One Penis/Vagina Policy	Firmly enforced rules that there can only be one penis-having or one vagina-having individual in a relationship network.	-
Open Polycule	A relationship where people are welcome to search for additional partners and enter into new relationships.	-
Pansexual	Having sexual attraction to all genders.	-
Parallel Polyamory	A relationship in which each individual relationship exists largely independent of either partner’s additional romantic or sexual relationships.	-
Paramour	A term for one’s partner.	-
Platonic Life Partner	A partner with whom one may not be romantic or sexual, but to whom one has made lifelong commitments which may include things like cohabiting and coparenting.	-
Polycule	Groups larger than four people sharing relationship partners.	-
Polysexual	Having sexual attraction to many but not all genders.	-
Primary	The prioritized relationship or partner in a hierarchical set-up.	-
Quad	A four person relationship network where all the parties are romantically interconnected.	-
Relationship Anarchy, RA	A relationship structure that lacks individual definition or labels.	-
Secondary Relationship/Partner	Additional partners or relationships beyond the primary ones in a hierarchical network.	-
Solo Polyamory	An individual that chooses to be their own “primary partner,” building connections without the potential for other partners to escalate into more serious relationships.	-
Throuple, Triad	A relationship of three people, all of whom are romantically involved with one another.	-
Unicorn	A bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple on terms set primarily by that couple’s agreements.	-
Unicorn Hunter	Couples who seek a bisexual woman who prefers to have relationships with both parts of a heterosexual couple, often used to negatively impact young bisexual women new to polyamory.	-

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If you are sharing a post from sub-reddits that are dedicated to non-monogamy (i.e.: r/nonmonogamy, r/polyamory, r/EthicalNonMonogamy, etc.), it is recommended to simply copy/paste the original text of the post along with a link to the post itself in lieu of using the built-in Reddit "Cross-Post" function, a template based on the standard format for posts on r/BestOfRedditorUpdates is provided below.

If a cross-post that you submitted is resulting in potential brigading, it may be removed.

**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/[username] in r/[subredditname]**

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Thanks again, and feel free to message the mods for any other questions/comments

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by user: Random_Man321 in r/MarriageAdvice

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Original Post July 29, 2026

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Hey everyone first time poster, bear with me plz

So my wife (28F) and I (33M) have been married for 7 years, together for 9 years. 3-4 years ago she came out as bi, which I am fine with. When she told me she was reluctant to, I asked her why and really tried to understand what the holdup was. I come from a religious background so she thought I’d be upset (I wasn’t). And that was that, nothing else came from it.

Fast forward to a month ago. She asks me if I’d be okay opening our marriage for her only (I stay monogamous) so that she can explore her interest in women. Specifically, she feels a void, like something is missing. She says she needs to experience being with a woman sexually and that recently she can’t get it out of her mind. I feel funny about it, obviously I don’t like the idea of sharing her with someone else. But I feel like it would be wrong in a way for me to prevent her from being her true self. We agree that if she finds someone to experiment with I will allow it, just once. I tell her up front I want to be involved with what’s going on, I don’t want to be left in the dark. And we will go from there.

She downloads a bunch of dating apps and within a few days is messaging 3 different women. She keeps her phone to herself now, refuses to let me see what she is messaging to these people. She tells me things aren’t serious but is always on her phone. I imagined her getting something physical only from someone, but it seems she is building an emotional connection with one girl in particular. We have had plenty of discussions about how I’m feeling about all of this, and how she feels. It hurts more than I thought it would. I’m losing sleep and am worried this won’t be a one time thing. She feels guilty she says, but also feels justified to explore her true self. She’s building an emotional connection which we both decided from the start she would avoid.

I fear she is no longer bi but is closeted lesbian. Tl;dr Does this sound okay to any of you? Is anyone else out there going through this, or been through this?

I don’t want to lose her, I wish I was enough for her, but it’s increasingly obvious I’m not. We have two children (2 and 4 years old), a house, a hefty mortgage, and I have a relatively new job and am trying my best to keep it all together. Any advice is greatly appreciated. Thanks everyone.

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Update #1 August 04, 2026

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Hey for those of you who want an update.

See the linked post for backstory

After reading all the comments and advice on my first post (both in this sub as well as r/marriageadvice, which was pretty brutal tbh), I freaked out. I was running on a total of ~10 hours sleep for the fast 4 days. I needed to speak to someone in person and since we have immense help from her mom I went to her and explained the whole situation (yes I outed my wife, yes it’s messed up and wrong of me). She is the most caring and forgiving person I’ve ever met, part of my reasoning to tell her. I broke down in front of her, let it all out. Wanted to update her so she’s not blind-sided if/when we get divorced. She told me the same thing you all did, that being bisexual is no reason or excuse to cheat. That she’s making bad choices and she stands behind what I choose to do about this.

So I stood up for myself and confronted my wife yet again, demanding she stops the dating apps and breaks communication with the girls she’s been talking to. She agreed to delete her dating apps and deleted her Snapchat contacts. The next day was miserable. She didn’t get out of bed. She wouldn’t eat. Activity with the kids felt forced and unnatural.

I realized if this is what life will be like from now on it’s not worth it. We had another big discussion. I gave her the go ahead to see one girl in particular, to have sex with her, to get these feelings out, and we will go from there. We both signed up for individual counselling through a LGBTQ therapist and will do couples therapy after the fact.

She promises that she loves me and doesn’t want things to end poorly. She still had one girls number (don’t want to ghost her as she was a nice person) and messaged that person, explaining she was free again to see her. Turns out she also still had her on Snapchat (oof). They went on a date last night (during the day in public, no sex but kissing was involved) and are meeting tonight while I’m at work to “see things through”.

To those of you who don’t agree with me reading through their personal conversations as it’s a breach of privacy, I haven’t breached any privacy and am taking my wife’s word as to what they’re discussing and saying to each other.

Yes this situation is messy. I’m not proud of my choices. I realize my wife won’t likely stop at one experience and will likely want to repeat. If that’s the case I have a lawyers number saved and will be dealing with it.

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Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

It’s been 7 years that I’ve been dealing with this fantasy. My husband obsesses over it, to the point where he has a hidden folder of hot wife porn gifs on his phone. He wants me to go out and find someone to hook up with because it gives him a rush. We have tried over and over again to not talk about it during sex but it’s the only thing that gets him really excited. He said he hates the thought of losing me. But he’s already lost so much of me. From exploiting me on Reddit by sharing my nudes on hot wife pages, asking if anyone wants to hook up with me. He directed one person to my Twitter account to flirt with me on DM’s, instead of hitting on me that person told me what my husband was doing. He also had my neighbor believing that we were going to sleep with each other, we just needed to “drink together” so I can “lighten up.” It turned into an absolute mess because this guy believed I wanted to sleep with him, and he just kept getting weirder and weirder with me. I finally put it all together that my husband was encouraging whatever was going on. It made me feel sad and like my safety didn’t matter. I don’t trust my husband, and therefore I can no longer emotionally connected with him. I am grateful he is good to our kids, and I feel awful flipping my kid’s lives upside down in a divorce. Can marriages move on from these things and rebuild trust, or does it stay a bullet hole and I’m better off alone.

TLDR; Because of the hot wife fantasy, I can no longer emotionally connect with my husband. Looking for insight on rebuilding trust in a marriage, or knowing when to throw the towel in.

This morning was tough. I've been with my partner for two years. She's been married to a guy for fourteen. We are on the kinky/bdsm side. We're totally in love. But I am now realizing that maybe I am just the side piece. What is hard for me? The fact that I will never get to spend summer's at her family's lake house, that I'll never get to meet her brothers/parents, nor attend any milestone/support events with her (like if her her parent dies and has a funeral I won't be there), that I am not a priority when she is planning her holidays.

We had some intense conversations last night and this morning. Basically she says: "here's what I can offer-- what we have now, but I don't really want it to change. my husband is my primary."

Part of me really just enjoys the space and time I have (kind of like a grandparent-- I get the kids for the day and then send them home to the parents, or in her case, to her husband) to do all my creative hobbies (poet/coder/etc.).

Part of me thinks I should just find a primary partner myself. But I really don't want to go back to dating.

I suppose I'm just wanting responses from people who have had the same or similar experiences.

Edit: you all can keep commenting and hating on me if you want but I've gotten what I needed from the kinder people in the comments that asked me questions and shared their stories and experiences and really showed me a perspective I needed to see. Thank you to those humans.

Edit #2: I think a lot of people are missing the point a bit of my OP. Maybe I am delusional and wrote it wrong as well. But today I feel like I am less concerned that I am not the primary partner and more concerned about not meeting my partner's family/experiences events/going to the lakehouse with her, etc. There are a few people in the threads that shared their experience with this and I really appreciate it.

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Ill_Taro_180 in r/Marriage

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My wife has completely lost her mind I think. Original Post July 06, 2026.

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My wife(43) and i (40) have been together for decade, have kids and she demanded an open marriage. I told her no, and she said she will have to divorce me if we can't agree to it. She feels she is non monogamous and lost herself in the marriage. She wants to explore.

I am gonna be honest, I basically stopped listening after that. I don't want that drama iny life. She has gotten progressively worse since then. Try to start an argument, send me articles that I don't read. Said i have always been rigid and don't listen to her or her feelings.

I finally told her she is free to do whatever she wants, I don't care, just don't bother me. Just don't bring anyone in our home or near our children, i will make her regret it for rest of her miserable life.

I definitely am not very tolerant of cheating but divorce is not something I want to have. I am fine with her doing her thing if she can keep peace at home.

But she can't keep peace at home. She tells me that I only agreed to shut her up and i am thinking to myself, Motherfucker you destroyed this marriage, and I am giving you what you want and now I am supposed to baby you. But has been starting arguments, then crying and saying I don't care about her.

She can't figure out why that is? I am supposed to care about her feelings now?

I will divorce her and be done with it but times are tough. The whole personality change has caught me off guard. I don't like drama, I just don't and she knows it and she still does it. I don't understand her.

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Update: I made some decisions and I am fine with it. July 07, 2026

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I called my wife's mom and told her everything. She came to talk to her. She has agreed to go to doctor and go to therapy. She is staying with her parents for a week or so at insistence of her mother and i agreed. She can come back anytime she wants, I haven't kicked her our, nor do I want to.

I have made it very clear that our relationship is done. She can date other people or not date. There is no way to come back from what she did, even if she was not mentally alright. I have seen the side of her that I can't unsee. She has now decided that bringing up open relationship was a mistake and not worth losing our relationship. Well she did lose it and there isn't much she can do about it.

She is still fighting it but hopefully once she starts therapy, she will figure a way to accept it.

I have no interest in working on this relationship. The poly request, the tantrums, the manipulation, its just very insulting and there is no way she will get my forgiveness for it. So that's that.

I am willing to support her in therapy or whatever she needs only because she is mother of my kids. Our relationship was not perfect, I can be stubborn sure but i also sacrificed a lot for her. I took care of when she was sick, i cleaned her vomit, I was not a cold cruel person you guys were trying to paint me..

I still get to have boundaries, and this is mine and I am enforcing it. I won't be disrespected like that period. And if you do, you can't be my wife. No second chances, because you are not the woman i married.

Well that's that, she is free to find a man that is more compatible with this poly thing. Hopefully when time is right, we can divorce and be done with each other.

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REMINDER: I AM NOT THE OP. DO NOT COMMENT, REPLY, OR MESSAGE USERS FROM THE ORIGINAL POST

Two summers ago my husband (53M) and I (46F) chose to open our marriage. We had been together over 25 years and had a strong foundation. We were open and honest with the partners we each found, explaining that our marriage was our priority - that we wanted to build a relationship with the new partner but if our marriage was in trouble we would step back from the new relationship to ensure our marriage was solid.

As I’m sure you can imagine things did not go well. Despite our best intentions some bad decisions were made (for example him comparing me sexually to his other partner, boundaries broken). I have Major Depressive Disorder (MDD) and it added too many loop de loops to my rollercoaster of a brain so I made the decision to separate from my other partner. I did not ask my husband to separate from his. However, after a few months he realized I was struggling in a huge way and made the choice to end his relationship with his partner.

Then came six months of him quietly resenting me and our marriage almost ending.

We found an amazing marriage therapist who has worked with us and helped us in so many ways. We now communicate better than before, and we have both agreed that if it wasn’t for her, we would be divorced. Add perimenopause and a midlife crisis into the situation and trust me - it was a very close call.

We’ve worked with her almost a year now. We have both agreed we are in a much better place. Yesterday during our session polyamory came up again. He has said that since dating the other person something in him changed, and he just wants to give love and support someone else. He has always been so supportive of me that I wanted to do the same. Since I don’t have any ethical issues with polyamory I’d agreed a year ago to work with our therapist on skills to help be supportive of him having another relationship.

However, it feels like a sword hanging over my head. I can’t fully settle because I know that him dating and having a love with another person is coming. Yesterday we discussed it with our therapist and she fully pointed out that there’s a power imbalance in our relationship, because I have chosen to “self-abandon,” as she says, to keep our marriage, and he has all the power. Yes, I could walk away, those are my only two choices: accept his need to have another love and struggle, or leave. Our therapist pointed out that he’s meatloaf, because he always says he’ll do anything for me but she pointed out that he won’t choose to just be monogamous with me, so she said he can’t say he’ll do anything for me because it’s not accurate (she wasn’t saying it in a mean way, just a factual way) and I just keep thinking how stupid I am.

If I had a friend in my situation tell me everything that has gone on, I would tell her she deserved better. I would tell her she deserves someone who will be as fiercely protective of the relationship as she would. But here I am, literally emotionally hurting myself so that his needs can get met. And I know I’m not going anywhere. I know I’ll sit right here and struggle more with anxiety and depression as he finds other people to love.

REMINDER: DO NOT COMMENT ON OR DIRECT MESSAGE USERS IN LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP.

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ORIGINAL POST June 30, 2026.

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We’ve been married for 7 years. Mostly good marriage until the last year.

My husband got promoted at work and started bringing up this one coworker [26/F] a lot.

The first time I hung out with them all outside of work, alarm bells started ringing. My husband spent the whole night entertaining her while I felt like the third wheel.

I asked husband to distance himself from coworker and he said he would implement some boundaries.

Months pass. I stop hearing about coworker. I think everything is good.

Then last week husband sat me down and said he wanted to try polyamory. He didn’t want to talk about who at first, but eventually he admitted he wanted to take coworker out on a date.

I told him I am monogamous. Our relationship has always been monogamous. I have no interest in being poly.

He asked me why I didn’t like her.

The conversation ended when I said he couldn’t have a wife and a girlfriend but he’s been moping around and crying on and off since.

I want to save my marriage but it’s not in my control. It’s up to my husband and what he wants to do next.

Nothing physical has happened yet. He hasn’t even told her about his crush yet. He said he wanted to ask me first.

I think I could forgive him for this if things change, but I don’t know what’s reasonable to ask him for. What are reasonable stipulations? Couples counseling for sure, but what else?

Tl;dr: My husband picked out the woman he wants to cheat on me with and asked me for permission. Now what?

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UPDATE July 02, 2026.

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I don’t know how to link my original post, but to summarize, my husband of 7 years wants my permission to start a relationship with his coworker. We have always been monogamous and I told him no. I came here looking for advice on how to save my marriage.

Update

I talked to our two best friends (a married couple who have been like family to my husband and I for many years) about what’s been going on.

To say they were upset on my behalf is an understatement. While I was telling them what happened, one of them started writing down her thoughts.

Once we finished talking, she had me call my husband over and she basically talked/yelled at him for being an idiot while we went through each of her bullet points basically calling out everything you all said. Starting with “Coercion isn’t a valid entrance to Polyamory,” and ending with “What are YOU going to do to fix this.“

But the most damning accusation was “You don’t want to try polyamory, you just want to fuck your coworker”

I’ve never seen someone so upset on my behalf.

My husband didn’t say much and when he did, our friend clapped back with a comment that I could tell really affected him. His whole mood changed after that.

Then I said my piece. I told him that while I may not raise my voice the way our friend had, that I felt betrayed by him. I reiterated all the points made and told him divorce was something I was seriously considering. By the time I finished, he was crying again.

Then I sent him home to think about his actions while I stayed with our friends.

I’m sure I’ll get flack for having our friends help me talk to him but I honestly felt better having their support. It made it so he couldn’t twist the situation to get me back on his side.

And it seemed to knock some sense into him because when I came home later that night, he was crying on the phone with his mom telling her about how badly he fucked up and how scared he was that I was going to leave him.

We talked again and he really seemed to grasp the severity of the situation. He scheduled us a couples therapy session and assured me I was his top priority. He said during his next shift he would talk to his coworker and tell her that if she thought anything was going on between them, it was over now and they would be strictly platonic moving forward.

Well, he came home from work last night and he hadn’t had the talk with her. Instead he doubled down on being “poly.”

He insists nothing has happened yet but that his coworker probably does think there is something between them. I asked him why she would think that and he said “by her behavior.” At this point it doesn’t matter to me either way.

He is already so in love with another woman, he is willing to break my heart.

Looks like there’s nothing left of my marriage to save. It hurts but I’m not going to beg someone to choose me.

So now we are separated while I figure out what comes next. We are in a no fault state and he has no assets. Does anyone have any advice for an uncontested divorce?

TL;DR: He decided not to choose our marriage, so I’m leaving him. Divorce advice?

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REMINDER: DO NOT COMMENT ON OR DIRECT MESSAGE TO USERS IN LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP.

As a long-time lurker, I could never forgive myself for failing to provide an update, and a somewhat happy update at that. Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1ufi96i/how_to_console_my_wife_about_our_impending/

My wife came home very late last night. She also took the day off work, and apparently separately met or spoke with several of her friends, as well as her sister.

The first thing she did when she walked through the door was apologize for her reaction. She was ashamed for emotionally manipulating me and attempting to seduce me. As I mentioned in several of my comments, my wife and I have discussed our disparate feelings extensively over the years, so she confessed that she knew this day was coming, although given how long we have survived as we were, she expected me to wait until the kids were out of the house, and it was just a shock to her and she could not control her emotions in the moment. Of course I told her I completely understood.

While we talk about our feelings A LOT, my wife really bared her soul to me about her shame and regret and self-hatred, we were up until the early hours of the morning just letting it all out, with a lot of crying, and a bit of laughing. She begged my forgiveness for her "selfishness" (her words) in trying to hold onto me while I was clearly struggling with our divergent feelings, and knew that our dynamic was a significant stumbling block to me finding another romantic partner. She never gave up hope that I would find someone so that we would be able to keep our current dynamic, but after so long, and so many instances of romantic partners being scared off, she anticipated we would end up here eventually. By the end of the night she did the stupid joke that if we're both single when we're 60, I have to remarry her.

Our plan is to take our time. She is going to inform her partners (the long-term ones I know and am friendly with) that we are going to be getting divorced, and she needs time to plan how to tell our kids and prepare for the financial and logistical aspects of the change, and she needs some space this summer. As our oldest is about to go to college, we decided that it would be good for us to spend some time as a family this summer (which our kids, being teenagers, will probably hate, but too bad lol), and go create some vacation memories. I don't know how well her other partners will take it, but as she offered, it's not my concern to worry about it.

The biggest immediate issue is our oldest. They saw my wife kissing one of her partners out in public while out with friends, which precipitated our discussion and disclosure. The timing of this is horrible, and no doubt our oldest will feel some responsibility, particularly after we reassured them the day before yesterday that everything was good between us. Obviously not my finest hour in parenting. We will take some time to figure out how to mitigate that and reassure them. That is our primary concern at the moment. Telling family is another issue to navigate, but it's just really nowhere near as high a priority.

I'm not going to give a play by play of our discussion, even anonymously, because there is simply too much. However, my wife asked me one question that I think might be helpful to some of the commenters on my original post. She asked whether she believed I would be satisfied with our relationship if we were still monogamous and never opened but she still generally felt the same way. Obviously the question is counterfactual so there is no real answer, and while I was tempted to lie I owed her the truth as I saw it, and I told her that I think I would have been. There are a lot of monogamous couples whose passion fades over time (I would say this seems to be the case for most over a long enough period), and whose romantic life changes into something more comforting and familiar. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. I will be opening up my heart to monogamous women at some point in the future, and given the numbers will likely end up in a monogamous relationship, and the passion will likely fade with time.

Poly makes it more complicated for me, and on some basic level it's as simple as comparison, but not in the "keeping score" sense of the term, for some reason mutuality matters. It was very difficult for me to be satisfied with a passionless and relatively aromantic (as some people pointed out, these terms are ambiguous and can mean a lot of different things, but I'm using the terms that work for me) relationship with someone I'm infatuated with, while seeing that person still having passionate romantic relationships for others that outlast NRE. It's like feeling like I can't just settle into that comforting phase while my only partner is still living a romantic and passion-filled life, we just aren't on the same page. Maybe that's just insecurity, or envy, or jealousy, but it's a powerful feeling that extensive discussions and years of therapy has not been able to ameliorate.

Obviously some people, including my wife, can outsource romance and passion to others (it seems common in poly marriages), but that's never been successful for me, perhaps because of how desperately I still want those things with my wife, which my potential romantic partners flag as being problematic, and perhaps rightly so. Perhaps I'm just not made for poly, at least not with my wife involved, my feelings for her are too strong, and I don't know if I ever made enough of myself available (emotionally, although time is also very limited) for anyone else to feel secure.

In any case, we still love each other, but we are getting divorced (at some point). My wife is very sad, I am very sad, but we are also both happy for each other, and I hope this allows my wife to stop torturing herself over her inability to feel what she wants to feel for me but can't.

Thanks for all of the advice.

So for about 15 years my husband, I will call him H, has been wanting us to get into the swinging lifestyle and I always said no. I grew up very conservative and in a very controlling household where I was always expected to behave, be the “good girl,” and I was put down for any mistakes I made which in turn made me a very shy/introverted person with little confidence. Also, I had a lot of worries of H pushing the lifestyle as being a trap to make it seem like I was cheating so he could leave me. About a year ago he made a profile on a swinger website and then told me he did it and we were going to give it a try. I told him I was not happy about it, but he pushed me to give it a try. Me, trying to be a good wife, went along with it. I was nervous wreck in the first few months due to meet ups falling through, people ghosting us, and feeling like I was causing everything to fall apart and he was aware of all this. He kept saying it will be ok and let’s keep trying. We did meet a couple that we really liked and it went well, so I decided to keep going in hopes more good would come. There have been several instances where I did not feel comfortable with a couple he wanted to meet and he pushed it anyways. Two of the couples did not actually meet us, which I was thankful for since I did not want to meet them even though he pushed it. One couple did meet us to play, and as I had expressed to my husband, things did not go well and I was the one emotionally hurt. My husband decided we should try a threesome with a single guy. Me trying to be adventurous agreed. First time we met for a threesome it was an ok experience, but the second guy we met, I will call him F, was a ton of fun. I really clicked with him and found him very comfortable to be around. At first my husband liked him and agreed to meet with him again for a second play date. It was after this that my husband seemed to start having jealous feelings about me wanting to play with F. My husband seemed to over analyze every text message and no matter what I said he we would be upset about it. Then a few days later he would apologize for over reacting to things, but then again a few days later blow up about something else over and over. H swears up and down that I started falling for F, even though I assured him I had no feelings past sexual interest in this guy. It’s to the point now that I can barely chat with H without my husband reading what I want to reply with before I send it and I am very limited on what I can say. I have nothing to hide and gladly hand my phone to him every time he wants to read my conversation with F, sometimes he hands the phone back with no problem while others he blows up about something. I really had started to enjoy the lifestyle the past few months (before we met F) and meeting people in the lifestyle had started making me feel way more confident in myself, I had actually started to get over my shyness. Now, I am following every rule and restriction the hubby keeps putting in place, but I am starting to feel overly controlled and smothered while still failing at everything I do. Am in the wrong for wanting to keep talking/seeing F or should I relent to my husband’s demands and revert back to how I was?

Tl;dr
Husband spent 15 years pushing me into the swinging lifestyle despite my reluctance. After finally agreeing, I was anxious at first and often felt pressured into situations I wasn't comfortable with, but eventually I started enjoying it and gained a lot of confidence. Then we met a single guy I clicked with and enjoyed seeing. My husband initially approved, but became increasingly jealous and convinced I was developing feelings, despite me saying it was only sexual. Now he monitors my messages, keeps adding restrictions, and I feel controlled and like I can't do anything right. I'm wondering if I'm wrong for wanting to keep talking to/seeing this guy, or if my husband's demands are reasonable.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Long-Condition4731

AITA because I told my best friend that he had ruined his relationship and now has to live with it?

Originally posted to r/BinIchDasArschloch

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, accusations of infidelity!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!schadenfreude!<

Translated from the original German

Editors Note: made paragraphs for easier reading

Original Post  Dec 22, 2023

Hi everyone. I have an old childhood friend, let's call him Florian. Our mothers are best friends, and we grew up like siblings. Florian was with Clara until about six months ago. They were together for over ten years. Clara is an old school friend of ours, and the three of us have been friends forever (even before they became a couple). We always did things together as a foursome (my boyfriend, Clara, him, and me), and we even went on vacation together quite often.

A little over a year ago, Florian came to me and said he felt like he was missing out on something and wanted to try an open relationship with Clara. He wanted advice on how to bring it up. I told him I thought it was a really stupid idea and didn't believe Clara would want it. To make a long story short: She didn't want it, so he gave her an ultimatum. After he pressured her into the open relationship, he immediately started something with his colleague (I still think she was the reason for the open relationship). Clara was devastated. 

When he had another date, we had a girls' night out. That's where she met Marc. There was a huge spark between them, and they started dating. I'm not proud of it, but I told Florian he absolutely had to stop with that crap if he didn't want to lose her! He didn't take me seriously... not until she left him for Marc. I was always there for him and comforted him. He wanted me to cut off contact with her and talked badly about her. I told him I'd always be there for him, but I wasn't going to give up our friendship. I told him he had to stop talking badly about her because she didn't deserve it, and that's just the risk of an open relationship.

Yesterday, we went out to dinner with friends, and she joined us on her own. We were already a little tipsy by then. He immediately said, "Oh, trouble in paradise. Guess he was the wrong guy for you after all!" The mood was instantly ruined. She said she hadn't brought him along out of respect.  He said she could have thought about it before she cheated. I told him to just drop it! Then he started lashing out at me, saying I was so disloyal and that I should have stopped it, and a lot of other things. Unfortunately, I got a little louder and told him he was solely responsible for the end of his relationship and that he should stop always blaming everyone else! He left and hasn't answered his phone or replied since. I called his mom, and she said he doesn't want to talk to me and that she's disappointed I'm not standing by him. I feel so awful about it. AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE (Nicht das Arschloch)

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Cautious_Yak6022

> NDA > > You were honest. I personally think that's good too. > > I also can't understand his whining right now. HE wanted an open relationship, immediately starts something with his colleague. But his girlfriend cheats? > > Oh, how I always love stuff like this... they want an open relationship, but when the woman then also has another guy, the world ends. You should think about that beforehand.

OOP

>>I don't know why he said that about cheating either. Especially since we all know how it really was. I also don't understand this stupid trend with an open relationship. 🙈 But I still feel like I've left him in the lurch.

Update 1  Dec 24, 2023 (Next Day)

Update 1: Hello everyone. Thank you for all your comments. My guilty conscience has been clouding my judgment. To be honest, I still feel really guilty. 😕 This whole mess is even affecting our families now. 😔.

We usually celebrate his 26th birthday with his family. This tradition didn't happen during the pandemic. Yesterday, my mother called me downstairs, and his mother was there. She said that my mother had told her a different story about that evening and asked if I could please tell her my side of the story.

In his version, Clara and Mark arrived at the restaurant hand-in-hand, and they kept teasing each other, saying things like, "Opening up about the relationship was the best thing that ever happened to me. Otherwise, I would never have met the love of my life!" etc. He eventually had enough and asked if they could stop teasing. I guess I would have said, "Serves you right! You wouldn't listen to me! Now she's found someone better, and you're alone!" - I mean, seriously?  I set the record straight, and I was truly moved to tears that he would say such things about me after everything I've done for him. His mom comforted me and said she'd give him a piece of her mind.

She must have confronted him because he called me afterward, quite angry, and started yelling at me! I hung up and texted him: "I know you're hurt. But that doesn't give you the right to treat me or anyone else like that and spread lies. I don't want any contact with you for now because the friendship is just toxic and is draining me mentally! I hope you realize that with your behavior, you'll lose everyone around you! Start taking responsibility already! I love you and I'm ready to give you a second chance someday, but right now I need some space!" I blocked him after that! His family is coming to visit us on the 26th without him. Since Clara, he, and I have the same circle of friends, most of his friends had already turned their backs on him.  They only invited him to dinner for my sake.

I know it sounds silly, but I feel like my heart has been broken. I hope he'll be back to his old self soon and heal. Thank you, and Merry Christmas.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Ellareen92

> NDA. > > The guy is just realizing that he took someone for granted and probably regrets that someone else recognized her worth and appreciates her honestly. > > He’s still in the anger phase of the five stages of grief. Next comes bargaining, he’ll try to win her back. Depression, I can’t shake it off… And hopefully acceptance: messed around, found out. > > If you’re ready for it, gentle questions (“Why are you so mad?”, “How can we get past this?”) can help. But he might not be able to move out of the anger or bargaining phase, too much delusional thinking.

OOP

>>I tried to have a clarifying conversation with him, but he's not ready for it yet. I understand that he's angry. But I believe he will only get out of the anger phase once he seriously acknowledges his mistakes.

Update 2 added to the original post Jan 3, 2024 (9 days later)

Update 2: Hello everyone. First of all, I wish you all a Happy New Year and wanted to thank you for the numerous comments. I received a notification that my update was deleted because it violated the rules. I've now reposted it here.

Florian is now history. I don't know what's wrong with him, but I don't care anymore. He's found a new target for his anger, namely me. He gossiped to our friends, saying that I was to blame for his relationship breaking up. He claimed I had set Clara up with Mark (remember, I even warned him that Mark was a threat!). Apparently, a few other unpleasant insults were exchanged when the others contradicted him.

He gave them an ultimatum: Clara and me, or him! Well, the others told him they didn't want anything to do with him anymore because they were simply fed up with his antics and uninvited him from our New Year's trip (one of the group has a cabin in Austria, and we go there every year for New Year's!).  I've completely cut off contact with him now. In his frenzy to badmouth me, he even told some stories that only he knows about me. I just can't trust him anymore. I also have to say that it felt incredibly good to meet up with my friends without him. There was no drama, and we were able to really talk about what's going on in our lives again. It was truly relaxing and wonderful! I wish Florian all the best, but I don't need someone like him in my life.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Hi everyone. I need to get some outside opinions because my head is spinning and everything feels like it's on my shoulders right now.

Me (F32) and my partner (M32) have been together for five years but have known each other since we were 14-15 years old. Our history is difficult. Over the years I have given him an incredible amount of chances, time and patience, while he has often put his own needs first and had a hard time respecting my boundaries.

&#x200B;

Two years ago he started talking openly about his sexual fantasies. He fantasized a lot about a third person (which eventually focused on his best friend (M27), who has also become my best friend throughout my relationship) and my boyfriend was a very pushing factor in us trying an open relationship, but specifically open only on my side. Infidelity was early in the relationship when my boyfriend had an emotional relationship at a distance with another woman for about 7 months, which is why the relationship would not be open from his side.

&#x200B;

Since I have a very high drive in my nature, but carry traumas that mean I need an enormous amount of security, softness and respect to be able to enjoy, it took me a whole year of consideration and conversation before I felt ready to actually take that step. Many conversations about what Open Relationship meant, rules and the importance of if our friend and I started something, my boyfriend would not be like a "boss" over us since the relationship was mine and the friend's. Our friend was also very keen that my boyfriend and I's relationship would be priority one, but admitted that this new factor would be something he wanted to develop with me.

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2 weeks ago during the weekend we were finally going to test it. For me, it was not about strong feelings for the friend, but about a safe, physical and mental space where I could finally be seen and heard without pressure. But the second I was actually on it and got a taste of this freedom (not full sex, but we were intimate), my partner pulled the handbrake. He had a total panic meltdown the day after in his car. He has now realized that he got in over his head, and our friend has also backed off completely because he thinks my partner has behaved extremely selfishly towards me.

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After the incident, I felt completely cheated and emotionally exploited. It felt like my partner used my body for his fantasies for two years, but once I stepped into my own desire, he took it away from me. I immediately felt that I needed to cut off contact with the friend to protect my own self-respect, which gave me enormous anxiety because he is the nicest friend I have ever had.

Since Thursday, however, the friend and I have had contact. We have both been able to write properly, venting to each other, and he has assured me that he doesn't look down on me or judge me at all, though he fukky understands where I'mat and what I feel. He made it clear that I am his best friend and an incredibly important person to him regardless of whether we have a break or not and that he values ​​our friendship much more than access to sex. I appreciate him so much for that. My partner has also been very keen that I shouldn't cut off the friend, and he has acknowledged how deeply ashamed he is and how bad he feels about how he has treated both of us.

&#x200B;

After much if and when, my partner is now showing genuine remorse. He is talking carefully, thinking things through and has promised to go to a psychologist to deal with his problems and his selfish behavior. He has asked for a chance until July 12th (when we get home from a 9-day trip) to show that he is serious. If I still want to break up by then, he should respect that.

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I don't want to make any drastic decisions in pure panic right now. I'm thinking of giving it this time until July 12th to see if he actually does the hard work. But I also know myself, that if we are going to continue in the future, there is a good chance that I will want to have the relationship open on my side later on, because this crisis has awakened needs in me that I do not intend to push away again.

&#x200B;

What do you think? Is it possible to repair such a deep betrayal where you feel like the rug has been pulled out? Is it even reasonable to stay and see if the therapy works, with the requirement that the relationship should still be open in the future?

&#x200B;

Grateful for all thoughts and perspectives.

REMINDER: I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL POSTER. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE USERS FROM THE COMMUNITIES LINKED HERE!

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EDIT: The original post and update have been reported as potentially fictional content.

Be advised that the validity of this story has not been authenticated.

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My Wife Laughed At Me And Broke Me Feb. 26, 2026

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We are in our 30s. We have three young kids. She raised the idea of opening, I don't want or need other romantic relationships, and I had no real interest in non-shared sexual experiences. I thought it maybe one day I might have a tryst at a work conference or something if I felt a spark, but I would have preferred to stay closed. I knew from the research/work that even if I wanted other play partners or relationships, the odds would be that I would get no interest, and that it would take a significant amount of time and energy to affirmatively date.

My wife got what she wanted, because I wanted to make her happy. I never should have agreed. The extra love she showed me at the beginning of opening was gone so quickly, and being open appeared to slowly drain all of her empathy, compassion, and sexual passion for me. We continued to have sex because we are both high libido, but the passion was gone, she was in the throes of NRE with her other partners.

I didn't want any other partners in our home. We have enough money for hotels/airbnbs/etc., so it didn't need to happen. It was the only rule I fought for. Eventually, she wore me down and brought one of her partners to a barbecue I was hosting for friends. We are not publicly open to our friends, so I asked her to not show affection with her boyfriend. They didn't kiss, but it was obvious they were in love by the way they acted with one another. She introduced me to her boyfriend for the first time. He was cocky, and every other word out of his mouth was a slight.

I knew from doing the research that the best thing I could do with my alone time due to her other partners was to better myself and do self care, which helps a bit with the horrible grief and sadness. I've spent more time with my kids (which always makes me happier), and spent some time working on our property (landscaping, improvement, gardening, etc.), working on some professional projects I've never had time for (I'm a lawyer and I've been working on a practice guide for a complex litigation topic), sports my wife doesn't enjoy (rock climbing, golfing), and trying to learn some creative skills, like painting, which I've never been any good at.

Again, her boyfriend kept slighting me, asking about how my dating life was going (after my wife had disclosed to him that I haven't had any partners, and wasn't actively looking for any), and my wife volunteered that I preferred gardening and painting to the horror that is online dating. I wasn't bothered by my wife saying this, because it was true. Her boyfriend doubled-over with laughter though. I said nothing, and just waited. He finally stopped laughing and said "I'm sorry, but I can't not see you wearing an apron, I just see you kneeling in the garden with an apron, or painting with an apron. Dude, you're gardening in an apron while your wife is off having the best sex of her life."

My wife laughed at his pathetic and ENM-shaming joke at my expense. I looked at her and said "really honey?" and she just kept giggling. Something broke in me. I walked away, and she said, "[my name], wait, [boyfriend's name] is just joking around."

I told my best buddy to watch the grill. I went inside my house. I poured myself a very large pour of an extra anejo sipping tequila I only bring out for special occasions, and I texted my friend from law school who does family law and told him to get started on a petition for dissolution.

I've done so much emotional and physical work during our marriage. I know she has too, as having three young kids in close succession and breastfeeding them is completely physically and emotionally destructive to a person. For nearly six years I provided so much support during my wife's pregnancies and light post-partum (which I think is completely fair in a vacuum given the burdens she faced), I've given her so many days where I take all of the kids, even when they were toddlers, so she can have a day, a half-day, or six hours to herself (something she admitted she was incapable of providing me, but I didn't mind). There are so many small things that I think about, like that I've rubbed her back every night for 10-30 minutes before she goes to sleep for years, and usually rub her feet in the morning before she gets out of bed. I offer her oral every day without any expectation of reciprocity or escalation, which she usually accepts. I try not to ask her for anything unrelated to the kids, particularly before we were open. After we were open, I just asked her to be kind to me. How pathetic is that? I'm an attractive, fit, successful attorney and I'm begging my wife to just treat me with kindness. She takes offense when I make that ask.

I haven't served anything yet but I told her that I want a divorce. She has oscillated between defensiveness, anger, and trying to bridge with me. In her worse moments she has called me jealous, insecure, pathetic, and that I'm trying to punish her by taking away her kids half the time. She does not give a shit about me. On paper I'm her prince but she simply has no interest in having a romantic relationship with me anymore. She has outsourced all romance, passionate sex, and even adult conversations (that don't relate to family responsibilities).

There is nothing wrong with nonmonogamy or polyamory, but I don't think people take the research and work seriously enough if they are opening a long-term monogamous relationship or marriage, particularly with kids. We did a hell of a lot of research and talking, and even went to local poly meetups to talk about this, and she still turned out like this. I wish so desperately that I maintained a firm "NO" when she raised this.

I'm writing this because I need to tell someone other than my therapist, and because maybe someone thinking about opening up their marriage will look at this and think, "I should really make an effort to be kind to my less enthusiastic spouse if we go through with this." That is all. Farewell.

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UPDATE to My Wife Laughed At Me And Broke Me June 03, 2026.

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This is an update to https://www.reddit.com/r/nonmonogamy/comments/1rfimiq/tw_sad_no_advice_wanted_my_wife_laughed_at_me_and/

I've served my petition for dissolution (via acknowledgement of receipt). No strong emotions other than her reminding me that she doesn't understand why I'm doing this, why we can't work through this, why am I destroying our family. When she asks what she can do to make me move past this, I've told her that she just needs to treat me like she actually cares about me, that her actions still don't match her words. I've asked her about how we got here, whether she had any lingering resentments, and she never identifies anything, she pretends everything is essentially fine. I'm worried there is something more deeply wrong with her, but she refuses to see a psychiatrist, and I cannot force her. We are still in process.

My wife still switches between calling me jealous, envious, insecure, etc. when she's truly frustrated, and adopting a more conciliatory tone where she acknowledges that what her boyfriend said to me was horrible, but that it was one interaction, and that she knew I was a strong enough man to get over it. He was drunk, she was tipsy, he feels horrible about it (bullshit), he is intimidated by our marriage, etc. She is in love, she was afraid to hurt or embarrass him by chastising him or taking my side, etc. There is some merit there, but this wasn't one incident in a vacuum, it's the dramatic culmination of a pattern of behavior.

Shortly after I "served" my wife I surprisingly had sex with someone else for the first time in over a decade. I never would have thought I could be the subject of gossip, but word apparently got around in the community of local lawyers who show up to professional organization dinners that I was divorcing, and that my wife cheated on me (not true, but that apparently became the prevailing narrative). I host occasional events for some smaller groups at my house, so I'm decently known, and many people have met my wife.

This apparently got back to a woman I'll call Amy. She was a former co-worker of mine, we were work friends but nothing more, I never felt any tension there. She left that firm to open her own practice on the other side of the "v" with a friend, and as far as I knew she was killing it. We only ever talked at group events, or through texts discuss judge/mediator intel, etc., but she was on the list of people that I would include in occasional larger events at my home and I'd met her boyfriend (and later fiance) many times.

Well, Amy reached out to me telling me she was coming into town for a depo and that she sympathized with what I'm going though as she had broken up with her fiance last year. She asked if I wanted to catch up after her depo. I was with some buddies at the time I received Amy's text, and I made a joke about beautiful women blowing up my phone, and when my friends pried, they looked at me like I'm an idiot and told me that Amy clearly wants to hook up, and somehow convinced me to treat it like a date (one of them even insisting that I take some of his Cialis, sorry if TMI). It kind of took me out of my head to focus on something else, and even though I was terrified of misreading it, I really put in some effort to look great and feel confident for the meet. I showed up at Amy's hotel bar (we planned on leaving to get food somewhere else), and she was wearing a dress that she was almost certainly not wearing to her depo. Through abject terror of commenting on her personal appearance, I made a joke referencing an oft-repeated discussion about dressing for a depo to disarm your deponent, i.e., wearing a polo instead of a suit). She laughed, way harder than was warranted. Those idiots were right. We never left the hotel. I will spare the details, but I've never felt more confident that I acquitted myself well (this is actually an ad for Cialis btw), and I hadn't stayed up all night having sex in a very long time.

Since we had some time to talk, Amy confessed she's always had a low-key crush on me, but I was with my wife at the time and we were coworkers besides. The next morning, I asked her if I would be able to see her again, or if this was a one-time thing. Amy told me that us being physical was a one-time thing while I'm still legally married (she said she wanted to know if we were "compatible"), but that she would like to keep talking. We've been texting a lot, and she's amazing. She's kind, hilarious, brilliant, successful, and gorgeous to the point it almost makes me uncomfortable now that we've been intimate. She has intimated that she wants more when my divorce is finalized. She has talked about how she broke up with her fiance over an issue regarding being DINKs or having kids, and it's clear she desperately wants to be a mother. I am so drawn to her, but I worry that my feelings are NRE/limerence, which I have been hating with a passion and blaming for my own divorce. I don't know if it's fair to her to not be 100% on having more kids, when I'm so worried about my own kids who are the most important thing in the world to me. My friends are telling me not to let Amy go, that I will never find another woman like her given my circumstances, but it feels incredibly selfish to even consider entertaining a further relationship with Amy while my life and my children's lives are in such flux, it's not fair to her or them.

I disclosed to my wife I had slept with Amy, and she had a bit of a reaction. She still has not made significant efforts to show me that she cares about me, but she seems to have accepted she may not be able to talk me out of divorce. Obviously, if there is something seriously wrong with her (e.g. brain tumor), that would change things, as I still deeply yearn for my old life before we opened. But I can't force her to get help or be more introspective/honest.

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REMINDER: I AM NOT THE ORIGINAL POSTER. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE USERS FROM THE COMMUNITIES LINKED HERE!

A goodbye-letter to polyamory

Hello everyone.

I have decided to leave polyamory after 9 years and return to monogamy. Perhaps forever, perhaps not.

My poly journey has been rough, though also beautiful at times. Before I leave this group in a few days, I want to share some final thoughts.

For reference, I have been poly for 9 years with 4 stable relationships overlapping each other at different points in time. Several people with no specific tittle also came and went throughout my poly years, including a comet the entire time, a couple I dated 1 year, and several metas I was or wasn’t involved with.

Yes I am in therapy.

I am leaving because I thought this community was about considering everyone’s needs and supporting each other through difficult emotions. Instead, I repeatedly encountered people who prioritised their own freedom and desires above the wellbeing of the people closest to them, all in the name of complete autonomy.

I dislike how quickly this community dismisses concerns about messy dynamics. If your partner wants to date your sister, roommate, coworker, or best friend, you are “controlling” for struggling with it or asking them not to. I understand that NRE is difficult to manage, but I believe the stability of your partner’s or friend’s day-to-day lives matters more than a shiny new connection.

I experienced this firsthand when my partner wanted to date my best friend and roommate. My friend promised to slow down, then immediately broke that promise and blamed me. My partner dismissed my anxiety as irrational. They grew closer, pushed me aside, and framed me as toxic and controlling for asking for accommodations in a situation I could not escape, because friend and I literally lived together.

My relationship with my partner was already deteriorating from before they got together, so watching their relationship bloom right in front of me, with no escape,  while mine fell apart, was torture. I told them I would have been okay with it if I had not lived with my friend. It did not matter. They made no effort to move her out.

The irony is that I kept prioritising my friend’s wellbeing over my own. I did not ask her to move out, because she had nowhere to go. I paid the rent alone because she had no money. I tried to be “good poly” and not kick my friend out because I couldn’t handle some poly issue, but my mental health just kept deteriorating. I had to go on partial sick leave to cope. They just kept doing their thing.

Eventually, she moved out on her volition, and then they both dumped me at the very same time. My ex-friend leaked screenshots about things I had said about my ex to him, which caused him to dump me. Ironically it was things my friend had previously agreed with me about him.

My ex then handed me a good-bye letter from my friend on the day I was supposed to say goodbye to only him. There was no thought about how it would hurt me to say goodbye to both of them at the same time. How showing off that they’re happily meeting up without me, freezing me out, ganging up on me, would hurt me. My ex-friend could have sent an email but they chose to have my ex hand me a physical letter from my ex-best friend. That was a deliberate choice they did.

The depression that followed cost me my job and my apartment. In the end, I became the one without housing because I had tried so hard not to put my friend in that position. I am now fighting my way back from the depression and trying to build a new life for myself. It is hard. I will never be the same. I will never believe in community again. I will be more selfish and ruthless going forward. Being kind only got me used and dumped.

What still shocks me is not that they left, but the complete lack of care for my mental health and stability in the process. I cared about my friend’s roof over her head first and foremost, but they did not care bout my mental health and thus my roof over my head. I cannot be part of a community that excuses that kind of lack of care in the name of autonomy.

They could have sat down with me and figured it out, but no suggestions ever came from their end. They could have moved my friend out faster and I would have been okay, but no, he didn’t want to live with her, even temporarily because it was more convenient for them that she lived with me. There were many things they could have done or tried that didn’t have to involve the two of them not being together, but they did nothing but gaslight me and blame me. All in the name of polyamorous autonomy. I really, truly did not matter to them.

What happened to the care about people you love?

I know I could never do any of that to someone else. I once became interested in a poly friend’s boyfriend. She struggled with it, so I backed off. Simple. I do not regret that decision to this day. She mattered more. We’re still great friends. I could never bulldozer over her just for a man.

Another time, during a group sex situation, things became flirtatious between me and a friend’s boyfriend. The friend then stepped away because she felt uncomfortable. Neither he nor I even considered continuing without her. We immediately went after her to soothe her and include her instead, because she was priority. I never resented her for that.

I genuinely believed that was what polyamory was supposed to be: caring about each other, respecting existing relationships, and treating people gently. I was wrong.

I could never see my roommate’s struggling relationship and be like “yeah that’s the man I wanna date now and immediately” and then bulldozer over my friend. I could never. It doesn’t matter how it started, I would have backed off until things calmed down. Not forever, just until things were better and I wasn’t living with my friend. But that wasn’t an option in the name of complete polyamorous autonomy.

This line of thinking like “I should be able to date whomever I want at whatever pace I want and it doesn’t matter who or what I destroy in the process” is something I can no longer subscribe to. I don’t want to be part of that kind of community.

Polyamory often feels built around the idea that relationships should exist without consequences. But actions do affect people. Dating your partner’s roommate will affect your partner. Dating someone new when your time is limited will affect your existing relationships. It is another full human relationship, and it inevitably changes things.

It seems strange to me that in every other area of life, we are expected to consider our partners’ feelings and wellbeing – where to live, jobs, finances, shared space, future plans – but when it comes to dating, suddenly autonomy becomes absolute and anyone hurt by that is framed as unreasonable.

I believe that if you are in a relationship with someone, poly or not, then you automatically give up a little bit of your autonomy. You owe it to your partner to take them into consideration when making any kind of life changes. Why is “starting a new relationship” the one thing in one’s life that’s absolutely none of your existing partner’s business, even if it’s your partner’s best friend? Why is this the one thing where they have no say? Where you can just ignore them?

Moving on from my trauma, I want to go into some more general critique of the current polyamory model narrative:

New partners change relationships. They can absolutely change time, priorities, holidays, routines, emotional energy, and future plans. You will suddenly only have every other Christmas with your partner, you will have to accommodate vacation plans, and so much more, when there’s another important person in their life. A new partner in your partner’s life absolutely changes things! Pretending otherwise feels avoidant to me. And yet this community loves to compare new partners to “what if your partner got a new hobby?”. New partners are not hobbies. It is a false equivalent.

Over time, the uncertainty destroyed my sense of safety. I lived in constant anxiety that at any moment my relationship could fundamentally change because someone new entered the picture. Every silence became “maybe he met someone.” Every conversation became “maybe he’s about to tell me things are changing because he met someone.” Ever since my partner and I decided to close up, I no longer wonder if he’s busy on a date with someone else. It has been wonderful for my nervous system. That thing of “just assume they’re on a date if they don’t reply on a Friday night/etc” never worked for me. It never made me prepared. It made me paranoid. 

Recently, when one of my partners and I decided to begin transitioning toward monogamy, I immediately felt peace. Real peace. For the first time in years, I no longer feel slight anxiety every time I saw him. No more worrying about him suddenly telling me he’s met someone, and that someone is going to be changing everything. 

Polyamory actively invites and encourages major changes in existing relationships – it is inevitable. Don’t pretend otherwise.

My ex — the one who left me for my friend — once also said to me, “Well, if I want to start spending more time with someone else, I should be able to do that, right?” This was after we had spent time together multiple times a week for over a year.

And of course he was right. But people are not toys. You cannot simply put one person down and pick up the next whenever you feel like it just because you are poly. He can do whatever he wants, but not without the consequence that the relationship with existing partners may be affected. That kind of coldness is not something I want to ever be around anymore, and the current polyamorous community encourages this line of thinking.

Another thing I resent; I had another partner of 6 months (at the time) say that he "misses someone sleeping next to him". Not me. “Someone.” Because he missed his ex wife but mainly because we're poly, so it could be me he misses, or someone potential. I used to love the inclusive language. Now it means I have nothing of my own. I can't even be specifically missed in his bed because that space next to him isn't just mine, it's someone potential in the future's as well. It made me feel so empty. So unimportant. I had nothing of my own, merely a general space that I or anyone else could take up when I visit occasionally. I am done. I want a space that is mine.

And: I've had two partners who can't say the phrase "I love you". It wasn't until I dated someone who could say it to me that I realized how very much I've missed that simple phrase. I never want to go through that again. I realize that is person-dependent, but it feels like more polys have this tendency. 

One thing I really want in life is marriage. But after 9 years in polyamory, I no longer believe I will find that there. I started poly without an existing monogamous relationship or stable anchor, hoping I would eventually meet someone who wanted that future with me. Instead, I mostly met married people looking for secondaries, or divorced people who never wanted marriage again and now wanted to do whatever they wanted without consequences. Marriage in polyamory seems impossible for me, so I will search for it in monogamy now.

I know people will say I met the wrong people, or that maybe I was never truly poly. Maybe that’s true. Maybe I simply do not function well in a structure built around so much uncertainty and ruthlessness. And I do not want, right now, to be in a dynamic that actively invites and encourages major changes all the time and labels all struggles as toxic. 

I am tired. I want peace and stability.

I have spent three years in therapy with three different poly-friendly therapists, and over time I have only become more bitter and exhausted.

I have also had many positive experiences in poly. I have met people who are willing to accommodate me, to work with me, who have loved me for me as I am. But it is not enough. I don’t ever want to meet people like my ex and ex-friend again. That kind of cold inhumanity definitely exists in this space, and is often encouraged in the name of freedom, and I want nothing to do with it. 

So this is me checking out.

I genuinely wish all of you the best in your poly endeavours.

I have been married to my husband for almost a decade and we have a toddler together. I support us working full time while my husband stays home with our toddler and works as a server a few nights a week. We have always been ethically non monogamous but I believed the boundaries were that these were purely friends with benefits connections. After we had our child, I discovered he had been saying I love you with one of these friends with benefits. I was preparing myself to confront him on it, but before i was able to him and his FWB came to me saying they had feelings for each other and would want our relationship to be more polyamourous than just open. I feel like I should have shut this down right then but his partner was there and I was only like 9 months post partum and feeling very vulnerable (its all a bit of a haze) so I said that we could try with strict boundaries see how it went. I found myself consistently uncomfortable with her behavior. She would come to our home after I had gone to sleep to spend time with him without my knowledge. He seemed to want to defer to her because she would be upset if plans changed and is more explosive than me. She consistently asks for more time than he is able to give and makes me feel like she is conspiring against our marriage. I ended up asking for parrellel poly and said I didnt want her around me but I wouldn't make him chose. Not long after that my grandpa i was very close to passed away and my grandma started developing dementia, than a year later my dad died, than 5 month later my grandma died. He left to spend time with this other partner within a week of my dad dying and 3 days after grandma died. I told him that I needed him to prioritize me when im suffering and hanging on by a thread and I didnt want him going over to stay with her every week or constantly texting or talking to her on discord and I was considering separation. He said he understood but then left to see her while myself and my son were sick. While he was gone I saw that she had been sending him zillow links online. While he shut that down it confirmed.my fears that she does not have the interest of our marriage at heart regardless of what she has said to me. That was my last straw. I told him I wanted a separation until he could show he could be a supportive partner and not prioritize someone else. Especially when that person does not have the best interests of our marriage at heart. So I guess im just coming here to tell my story and see what people have to say. Im hurting and just want to feel understood. I dont think im asking for the moon but some reassurance would be helpful.

Tldr: husband wants to be poly and I feel unsupported in my grief and am considering divorce.