AITA for wanting a divorce when I asked to change the boundaries of our poly marriage and was told no.
I have been married to my husband for almost a decade and we have a toddler together. I support us working full time while my husband stays home with our toddler and works as a server a few nights a week. We have always been ethically non monogamous but I believed the boundaries were that these were purely friends with benefits connections. After we had our child, I discovered he had been saying I love you with one of these friends with benefits. I was preparing myself to confront him on it, but before i was able to him and his FWB came to me saying they had feelings for each other and would want our relationship to be more polyamourous than just open. I feel like I should have shut this down right then but his partner was there and I was only like 9 months post partum and feeling very vulnerable (its all a bit of a haze) so I said that we could try with strict boundaries see how it went. I found myself consistently uncomfortable with her behavior. She would come to our home after I had gone to sleep to spend time with him without my knowledge. He seemed to want to defer to her because she would be upset if plans changed and is more explosive than me. She consistently asks for more time than he is able to give and makes me feel like she is conspiring against our marriage. I ended up asking for parrellel poly and said I didnt want her around me but I wouldn't make him chose. Not long after that my grandpa i was very close to passed away and my grandma started developing dementia, than a year later my dad died, than 5 month later my grandma died. He left to spend time with this other partner within a week of my dad dying and 3 days after grandma died. I told him that I needed him to prioritize me when im suffering and hanging on by a thread and I didnt want him going over to stay with her every week or constantly texting or talking to her on discord and I was considering separation. He said he understood but then left to see her while myself and my son were sick. While he was gone I saw that she had been sending him zillow links online. While he shut that down it confirmed.my fears that she does not have the interest of our marriage at heart regardless of what she has said to me. That was my last straw. I told him I wanted a separation until he could show he could be a supportive partner and not prioritize someone else. Especially when that person does not have the best interests of our marriage at heart. So I guess im just coming here to tell my story and see what people have to say. Im hurting and just want to feel understood. I dont think im asking for the moon but some reassurance would be helpful.
Tldr: husband wants to be poly and I feel unsupported in my grief and am considering divorce.