I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Far-Gear-3368

AITA: My husband pants me while I was changing our baby’s diaper and I asked him to never do that again.

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/Arifault for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  June 12, 2024

Not a long story here. I (F32) was changing our baby’s diaper when my husband (M37) snuck up behind me and pulled my pants down (just the pants, not the underwear - he wanted me to include this part). He did it to make me laugh.

I elbowed him and yelled at him. (I apologized for elbowing him, it was just a reaction). I asked him to never do it again and now he won’t agree and keeps laughing. He says I’m overreacting but I’m really just asking him not to do again and I’m worried he’s going to do it all the time now.

He says he’ll stop if the internet agrees with me but he is confident you will all think he’s hilarious.

I really don’t want to deal with this anymore. Please just say “it’s funny once but not again”.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Shot-Detective8957

>I mean if you asked him not to do it he shouldn't. NTA.

moist-v0n-lipwig

>>Ask him why he care more about what the internet thinks than his own wife.

~

[deleted]

> Regardless of how funny or innocent he thinks it is - you asked him not to do it again, so he needs to respect that. > > I had an ex who thought it was hilarious to tickle me because I hated it so much. He would be relentless about it to the point that I would nearly piss myself - I would yell at him and scratch him to get him to stop, and he would get furious with me for “attacking” him for doing something he thought was fun that I asked him repeatedly not to do. Which is fucking insane.

~

DirtyBoots_1990

> Husband: Why would you listen to internet strangers over your wife? She is your life partner, the one you chose to marry…but you don’t value her own personal boundaries? > > You think internet strangers have more rights to decide your wife’s personal boundaries? When you’re talking about whether your wife has a right to not be stripped half naked for giggles? > > Learn to respect your wife, and go pants a friend who does find it funny. 

Update:. You guys really need to chill lol. I’m not going to divorce my husband because he made a joke that didn’t land. That’s not how marriage works.

In an ironic twist I have decided we are now a pantsing house. I will pants him as often as humanly possible and I will be wearing dresses to make myself invincible. Thanks for the terrible advice (although I do agree that no means no, I just don’t think it’s that’s deep here.)

My husband is a really good guy and is genuinely hilarious making the whole family laugh, so I’m going to let him do his thing.

SECOND UPDATE: So I turned off my notifications like 10k ago. From what I can tell, It’s basically all the same stuff: calling my husband immature or a creep and then me a doormat for siding with him after reading your unhinged comments and realizing I wanted to be on the side of sanity.

Kudos to the people who are like “hey glad you guys can have a good time.” Because we do. We ALWAYS do because we are happily married and we love each other and we like to joke around (been married for 11 years).

I highly encourage you all to laugh at your partner’s jokes and if you don’t think it’s funny just tell them to stop and they will listen to you if they’re the right person. (Like my husband is for me.) find someone who makes you laugh and likes to have fun and don’t squash their joy by being a stuck up a$$hole. You’ll be happier if you lighten up and so will they.

Thank for everyone who genuinely cared about my well being. I really worded my post to make it sound like I didn’t also think it was funny. To be fair, I was laughing while I posted this and didn’t think anyone would respond. But thanks anyway. You’ve got a good heart ❤️.

So have a good life everyone. I doubt I’ll ever get on this cursed app again.

And please- for the love of all that is holy- never ask strangers on the internet for their 2 cents on your relationship. It’s entertaining for like an hour but you start to lose your faith in humanity.

32F out ✌️.

OOP Updated Oct 13, 2025 (16 Months Later)

FINAL UPDATE: wow… turns out I was the asshole the whole time lol. We are actually getting divorced. Sorry to all the women in my DMs that I blatantly ignored warning me about boundaries and patterns of disrespect… while this wasn’t about the pantsing (we laughed about this for a long time), it was about his general lack of treating me like a human being.

Thanks for trying to warn me guys.

33F out ✌️.

This comment from OOP found by u/ubag

> Ex trad-wife here. I one time posted on AITAH subreddit that my husband pantsed me while I was changing the newborn baby. He thought it was funny, I did not. I asked him to promise to never do that again. He said he was going to do it EVEN MORE (haha 🙄) Reddit blew up. Saying the fact that he wasn’t going to respect my request was a red flag. He was voted the ah by the vast majority… > > I defended him saying it was just a joke. Now we’re divorced. He was just like all these other husbands treating their wives like dirt as part of misogynist culture and bullying jokes. I was brainwashed. Hindsight is 20/20. Pray for these women and keep telling them they deserve better. It does help even if they keep defending their jerk husbands and talk about how happy they are… they’ll see the light eventually

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Inner-Rutabaga2055

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for wanting to back out of doing my SIL and favor cause I don't like that she installed cameras to be on the safe side.

Thanks to u/SloshingSloth for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!invasion of privacy, emotional distress!<

---

Original Post: April 8, 2025

My wife use to get our niece ready and take her to daycare every Friday since she was off and her sister had to be at woek by 6:30 and daycaee did not open until 7. My wife's work schedule changed and she could no longer do it. So I offered to change my schedule around to start work at 10. We have been doing this for aroind four months. My SIL has voiced no concerns and when she calls I always answer.

We recently found out she installed cameras in her house when my wife brought it up she told her you never know. I will be honest I was taken aback cause she has had no complaints in the past but now she wants to have cameras because you never know?

My wife did ask her sister have i done anything that made her concerned or worried, she told no but it was a safety issue once agains she told my wife you never know.

At this point i told my wife i dont want to go into her house I dont feel comfortable being in a home or around her daughter if she is that concerned.

My wife agrees it is weird also considering I have known her sister for over 16 years. Others think i am blowing out of proportion but I dont like how she assumes the worst of me cause i am male. She told my wife she had no concerns when she was doing it.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

How did OOP find out about the cameras?

> OOP: As for how we found out I saw them, which is why my wife asked about them.

Commenter 1: I think you are taking it too personally, in this day and age no one can ever really be too safe. If you otherwise have a good relationship with SIL and Niece this really isn’t worth tanking the relationship over. Maybe share with SIL that you wish she had informed you if the cameras as it feels like a breech of privacy… but she hasn’t accused you of anything so she isn’t slighting your character.

> OOP: To me the action of installing the camera is a blow. My wife has been babysitting and doing this for years she had no need for cameras or safety concerns but with me suddenly has the urge? That hurts a lot and is hard to not take it personally. > > She even told my wife you never know. Means she thinks a part of me is capable of hurting my niece. That hurts a lot.

OOP on how he is feeling about the cameras after he started to help with his niece

> OOP: i am worked up because my wife has watched our niece for years did the whole getting her ready for daycare for years my SIL never once installed cameras. i come into the picture all she is concerned? Part that gets me is she waited so long, and told my wife you never know. That hurts, means a part of her thinks i am a risk.

Downvoted Commenter: What’s so uncomfortable about a woman protecting her home? Or anyone for that matter?

I’m actually concerned for your wife cause if my SO had this reaction, I’d be pausing majorly.

> OOP: Think you are missing my point. If this was a general safety thing she would have done this a lot sooner. She also would not have told my wife it was because you never know. > > Even my wife was taken aback by her sisters response and reasoning. As stated if I had any doubts or thoughts a person was capable of causing harm I would not let them in my house let alone be around my child alone. That is how i would have handled this.

Commenter 2: You're making a huge assumption. Maybe the "you never know" is about a home invasion or some other crime that could happen.

You assuming it has anything to do with you or wanting to quit over it kind of makes it seem like you are worried about them.

> OOP: My wife did ask if she had concerns or worries but she told her you never know. It is not a leap this is what she told my wife and yes my wife was taken aback when she told her reasoning also. > > If this was a general safety issue she had years to do, my wife has been doing what I am doing for years prior.

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Update: April 12, 2025 (four days later)

I do appreciate the feedback and differing perspectives, i did speak with my SIL with my wife and to say the least it was enlightening. I did ask my SIL why the sudden urge to install cameras, as she told my wife she said it was for safety purposes since you never know. My wife did push back and asked her ro elaborate as to what she meant. My SIL tried to avoid answering directly but my wife kept pushing and finally she did admit she was nor comfortable with me changing her daughter unsupervised. At this point I asked my SIL if she truly felt I would harm her daughter she honestly shrugged her shoulders.

This annoyed me but it did piss off my wife. My wife once again pushed the issue and it turns out my SIL was never comfortable with me watching her daughter and felt betrayed by my wife because she changed up an arrangement that worked. She said I was far to eager to change my work schedule to take over Fridays it came off as insistent. I told her yes I was insistent because I did not want my wife to give up on an opportunity because she felt beholden to an arrangement she made with her.

After that exchange I told my SIL I would no longer take her daughter to daycare. This happened on Wednesday she took off last Friday. So long story short she never wanted me to watch her daughter unsupervised, found it strange how eager I was to rearrange my Fridays to be with my niece. My wife's family is thinks i am being weird and creepy.

My wife had one last final conversation with her sister on Friday and apparently it got ugly since my SIL did call to apologize and I did appreciate that but I told either you trust me or you don't. Since she does not I did recommend me finds someone that she does trust so she can be at ease. She tried to give me a sob story how we are being unfair towards her, all she was trying to do was keep her daughter safe. I told her best way for her to do that was to find someone else she trusts to handle Fridays or change her job schedule.

I was going to originally offer as some suggested she brings her daughter to us before she heads to work, but after the conversation I decided it was best for everyone I took a stepback. I don't know what will come of this in terms of the family since most think I am being unreasonable, but my wife and I agree that if she is not comfortable with me it is not our duty to make her comfortable.

Thanks again.

Update: I did want to point out that as many have said yeah my wife is awesome. Some have asked why am I not upset, I am upset but more so hurt. Not just because of what was said about me but more so because this situation will forever alter the relationship we have with hee family and I know that hurts my wife a lot. We love our niece but I know my wife and her have a special bond that is her God child. So I am more so hurt this has created a rift that will probably never be mended.

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP's thoughts on the aftermath of the whole situation

> OOP: I am upset, but it being overshadowed by the hurt. I have known my SIL for 16 years, and it has been a major blow to think she is that afraid of me because I am a guy.

Commenter 1: This is so awful, I’m sorry. Just to brace you, she or the extended family might jump to the (unreasonable) conclusion that if you’re not willing to help out because of cameras then you must have been doing something you don’t want seen. Be prepared for that accusation: explain that what changed wasn’t the cameras, it was that you learned how she sees you. You thought she’d appreciate you inconveniencing yourself to make her life easier, and instead she assumed horrible things about you.

You aren’t interested in helping someone who doesn’t respect you, and you’re not willing to risk your own safety if she’s willing to jump to such conclusions without reasonable cause.

> OOP: They already have, that is what hurts the most cause this will forever alter the relationship we have with their family.

Commenter 2: Good for you and your wife. She stuck up for you and you are holding your boundaries. This is on SIL to fix the dynamic. If she doesn't trust you then you never need to be involved with helping care for her kids. She is an adult and can figure her shit out herself.

Commenter 3: If your wife's family thinks you're being "weird and creepy", all the more reason to avoid all contact with them.

Commenter 4: NTA she basically said she thinks you’re a creep but still expected you to do her a favor. You set a boundary after being disrespected and somehow you’re the weird one? Nah if she doesn’t trust you, she can find someone else and deal with the consequences.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT the original poster. That is u/PaleTie6084. He originally posted in r/NewRiders.

Trigger warning: >!motorcycle accident, hospitalization!<

Mood spoiler: >!likely Darwin Award honorable mention!<

How dangerous is a loss of traction on the rear tire?: September 13, 2026

Hi there, yesterday night I was driving around on my own in quite heavy rain (got to the extent where I couldn‘t see the road infront of me as soon as there was traffic going my direction)

Anyways, at some point I was going about 110mph according to trip rank and suddenly I noticed that the rear was starting to drift to the left and a look down showed me that the engine was at redline. All of this happend maybe a second after I upshifted into 4th. I obviously let go off the throttel as soon as I noticed it but I couldn’t tell ya how long it was already spinning out.

I‘m a beginner rider, only been on the road for about 2 weeks so this was a first time for me.

My Question now being, if some of you experienced the same or at least witnessed it, how fast does stuff like that actually go south? In hindsight im certain that this was very close to claiming my life but maybe im overreacting.

Bike‘s a 01 ZX9R so that‘s why this even happened in the first place.

TL;DR

Rear tire spun out at 110mph how dangerous was that situation actually? did I come close to dying?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OHBHpwr:

>Let's get the facts straight: Beginner rider ZX9R Heavy rain No visibility 110mph

>You need to sell that bike, get a bike with no more than 50hp and go talk to some people about acquiring some common sense.

>Answering your question: it is VERY dangerous to lose traction on the rear tyre. Or front tyre.

>There's only 2 infinite things in life they say.

OOP response:

>Good to know that I guess. Although there‘s no way I can sell it, already head over heals in maintainence so I wouldn‘t get back what I‘ve spend on it already and even if I did, you wont get a new motorcycle with abs and whatever for 3500€

Technical-Ad1488:

>I’m going to assume for the sake of my sanity that you weren’t as a beginner doing 110 in rain that was so heavy you couldn’t see in front of you lol, and the speedo was just reading 110 from your tire spinning freely…

>I’m right, RIGHT?

OOP response:

>Not sure about that, 4th gear goes up to 145mph according to google and the 110 were recorded by my gps app

jsdcasti:

>It’s normal for new riders. Just keep doing 110 mph. Better yet, go even faster in heavy rain. What could possibly go wrong?

OOP response:

>Well it was my first time riding in rain whatsoever and I didn‘t really know how much grip I do / don‘t have so that was that

____________________

Bike getting unstable when braking hard on the front end - September 17, 2026

Hey there, so I've been riding for about 3 weeks now and I've noticed that whenever I go into the front brakes when emergency braking the bike starts to become very unstable and kind of death wobbel. Is that normal for non ABS bikes or am I doing something wrong?

Thanks

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

nerobro:

>ABS doesn't affect front end stability. That's a red herring thought.

>If your bike is wobbling, or feels like it is wobbling under heavy braking, there's probally something else going on. If I were to guess, you're putting to much weight on your arms. The instability is your arms and torso fighting the bike trying to keep the system stable.

>You're likely still deep into the "how can my body handle riding" part of your development as a rider. Concentrate on keeping yourself in position using your legs, and foot pegs.

>Another thing that can make instability show up, is overuse of the rear brake. If that's locked up, or near locked up, it stops providing directional control, and the bike will start to dance.

>There's some possiblity it's the bike iteself, but.. it's not a ninja500 right?

OOP:

>Probably myself then, i don‘t lock the rear break, I hardly use it whatsoever. Bike‘s a 2001 ZX9R

Sharp_Bus6682:

>In 3 weeks, how many times have you had to use emergency braking? That's concerning! But to just address your question, hard front end braking does make the bike feel unstable, especially on bikes without ABS. Try to use progressive braking whenever possible, and work on looking further ahead down the road so you have to emergency brake less often!

OOP:

>I tend to look down the road pretty far, its usually some idiots merging lanes / overtaking without looking into their mirror, happens every other day.

>Good to know its normal though, I was kind of expecting that it just stays stable and suddenly the rear end comes up but guess that makes the rear end coming up even worse, don't wanna get caught on one wheel wobbeling from side to side lol

nerobro:

>u/Sharp_Bus6682 isn't correct on what he said about ABS, but he does bring up something important.

>If you're emergency braking often enough to "have discovered a pattern" you're doing something very wrong with your riding in general. Is this a discovery when practicing emergency stops, or have you done... more than say... 3 emergency stops in the last three weeks.

OOP:

>Had to do it at least 10 times by now probably more

nerobro:

>You're riding way over your head.

OOP:

>Not really, its a daily occasion on German Highways, most of the time's there's someone going like 75mph merging into the far left line without looking while ur flying up at 170

nerobro:

>You're describing riding over your head. Especially in Germany.

>You shouldn't be riding at 170. Its more than you can handle.

____________________

Small montage of my first 3 weeks riding - September 21, 2026

OOP posts 20-second video of riding straightaways at insane rates of speed, accompanied with:

#Going fast in a straight line is a skill

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

BeemerCalm:

>How embarrassing.

>You’re a danger to yourself and everyone on the road. Get training. Stop riding like an asshole, this isn’t a video game

OOP:

>Not riding like an asshole, I make sure that I have to avoid people, not the other way around so I don't really hinder them in any way

BeemerCalm:

>Good job avoiding learning anything before you have no choice. I hope your wreck isn’t life changing when it happens.

____________________

Welp, you guys were right. - September 26, 2026

Caption below selfie from hospital room:

Thought I was invincible and knew better then everyone, overdid my riding, took me a whole 3 weeks of riding to crash. Got cut off and according to the police hit the car at ~60mph, flew 60 feet through the air, merely missing a tree by a foot, and luckily survived with no more then a broken vertebra and a ton of bruises. Wouldn‘t have happend if I had a normal 70hp bike instead of an 01 ZX9R. Its good if your first bikes power isn‘t more advanced then your decision making. Squids will Squid I guess

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

PilotBurner44:

>Power isn't the reason you crashed.

Double-Pattern6939:

>Say it louder so the people in the back can hear 👂

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

REMEMBER RULE 7: DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/amiselfit

Is it wrong for me [32M] to skip my sister-in-law's wedding [26F] so I can go on a once-in-a-lifetime guy's trip with my friends? Wife [30F] not happy.

Original Post  July 21, 2015

I'll be honest. This wedding has been in the making for the last year, and the trip I want to go on is sort of last minute. I've never formally agreed to go to the wedding, but realistically it's always just been accepted as a given that I would be at the wedding since it is my wife's sister.

One of my college buddies just recently told our group of friends that he's going to Australia in October for business but plans to spend an extra week there just kicking around and exploring. One thing lead to another and two friends from our group decided to join him. I've wanted to go to Australia ever since I was in college, but I never could get a group together. It looks like that's finally happening! The problem is that I'll have to miss my sister-in-law's wedding because it falls right in the middle of the week we're planning to go, and it wouldn't make sense to leave early or go late. It's an expensive trip, but I can make it work. I think it would be money well spent.

Of course my wife is not happy about this, which I can understand. She's very close to her sister, so I can see why the wedding is a big deal to her, but I don't think she really understands my position. I like her sister, but we're not close. The same is true for her fiance. I have nothing against them, but the only reason I would be going is for my wife. Normally, I'd be okay accepting this, but I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with good friends that I don't get to hang out with that often. I think I'm justified in wanting to go and am being both reasonable and fair.

tl;dr: I have a chance to go on an awesome trip with my friends to Australia. Wife doesn't want me to go because I'd miss her sister's wedding.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sparklefades

> This is not a "once in a lifetime" trip. A once in a lifetime trip is if you won an all expenses paid trip to Australia, but could only go at a specific time deemed by the payer - like when Oprah took all those people to AUS. This is just you and your buddies throwing a last minute plan together. > > To be honest, you sound really immature and whiney in your OP and responses. I'm guessing you'll fuck off to Australia and deal with the consequences later. If you love your wife and marriage and life with her, the consequences will not be worth it.

OOP

>>Yeah, that's fair criticism. I am leaning towards going, but only if I can work out something with my wife where she is at peace with me going. I'm sorry if that's not what people want to hear, but that is the truth.

MashKeyboardWithHead

>>> She wont be at peace, no sane, reasonable person will be. >>> >>> You will guilt and manipulate her into saying "its fine" then fuck off with your buddies then do the whole "but you said it was fine, why are you still upset" routine when you get back. >>> >>> I think a lot of people are reading this thread and are super glad they arent married to someone like you.  The whole immaturity, selfishness and lack of respect and consideration... eugh.

~

sleepfight

> Is your wife important to you? Because her sister sounds very important to her. I'm sure you want to go on this trip, but you already committed to the wedding. Could you not go on a trip to Australia with your wife at a later date? > > Think about this carefully.

OOP

>>Well, part of the reason for going is to be with my friends. I love my wife, but taking taking a trip with her is different. It's not worse, just different. Basically, she can't replace my friends, and they can't replace her. I'd love to go with her sometime, but it'll be a different sort of trip.

sleepfight

>>>So, essentially what you are saying here is that you are prioritizing your friends and your own needs over your wife's needs.

OOP

>>>>What I'm trying to say is that this, to me at least, feels like a bigger deal. In essence, what this trip means to me > what me going to the wedding will mean to my wife. I understand what the selfless thing to do would be, but seeing as I normally am one to "take one for the team," I don't think I am being unreasonable by asking my wife to do the same here.

~

leaveluck2heaven

>Did you actually come here for advice? Because it seems like all you want to do is argue with anyone who doesn't tell you exactly what you were hoping to hear.

OOP

>>I was hoping that someone would find my justifications to be reasonable, but apparently that is not the case. 

How would the in-laws feel?

>SIL would probably not care. She'd just be like "okay, no biggie." MIL doesn't care much for me as is, so I'm not worried about her. FIL hates weddings, so he'd probably envy me.

Update  Aug 4, 2015 (2 weeks Later)

I thought that those of you who responded to the first post would be like to know what happened afterwords. Things got..interesting to say the least.

So after I made the post told I eventually called my SIL and told her that I wanted to talk with her about something wedding related. My wife hadn't given her a heads up, so I had to explain the entire situation to her and the position I was in. I was honest with her about wanting to go on the trip, but I told her that I needed to know for her sake and my wife's whether or not missing her wedding would be a cardinal sin. Surprisingly, she actually told me that she would be fairly upset if I missed the wedding. What surprised me even more was that she told me that I had always been like her brother (even though, in my opinion, we've never been all that close). I told her that I would think about what she'd told me and make a decision after I had talked with my wife again and considered all factors.

Now for the interesting part. According to my wife, after that conversation, SIL was upset enough that she went on a big rant about it with soon-to-be BIL. Apparently he made the mistake of telling SIL that he didn't see the big deal because it was just a "stupid" wedding (in his defense, he's not a wedding guy either). SIL got pretty heated about this and let him have it. In turn, he vented his own frustration with how big of a deal that SIL had made out of the wedding. Things pretty much spiraled out of control from there (from what my wife has told me they each said some very ugly things to each other).

At this point, although they aren't broken up, it seems unlikely that the wedding will go on as planned barring some miracle. I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though. I feel like if they had issues that were this deep seated then they would have never made it as a married couple anyway. That doesn't mean that I am pleased, because obviously wife and SIL are upset.

As for my Australia trip, I don't really guess there's a reason not to go anymore, but I haven't dared bring it up again with my wife. She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going.

Thanks everyone. I guess your advice actually did work, although not in the way that either of us intended for it to.

   tl;dr: Spoke to SIL about missing wedding for trip. She was upset. This in turn led to her having a big fight with her finace. They're basically broken up so wedding seems unlikely and trip is (probably) back on.

FINAL COMMENTS

allyourcritbotthings

>If your wife ever gets a whiff of "I'm glad that fight happened because now I can go to Australia without guilt," you are going to have a horrible time.

OOP

>>I said I wasn't happy. I feel bad that this is happening to SIL and that she is going through a difficult time.

got-to-be-kind

>>> "I don't really feel bad about how things turned out, though." >>> >>> "She's been fairly distracted with comforting SIL. We'll see what happens, but it looks like, as of now, I'll be going." >>> >>> Yeah, I'm sure your wife won't mind at all that you get to go on your trip while she stays at home and comforts her sister over her crumbling relationship and potentially cancelled wedding. You should send her pictures of the great time your having on the day the wedding would have taken place. That'll go over swimmingly.

~

TheGreatAvocado

>Wow. You and the former groom are BOTH idiots.

OOP

>>I don't see how I'm an idiot here. I didn't really do anything. This was all on him. But, yeah, he is an idiot. Funny guy, but still an idiot.

~

RealRealGood

>Why the fuck did you call your SIL? This was an issue between you and your wife. Now you fucked up two marriages. And you "don't really feel bad about what happened." Holy shit, you're an asshole.

OOP

>>I don't feel like the fact that they broke up was my fault. I hate that it happened, but I don't blame my self. Also, I talked to SIL hoping that if she gave me clearance it would convince my wife.

When told not to go on the trip

>I probably won't go now. I feel like it'd be too much and my wife would kill me. I think I would have had an easier time going if the wedding had stayed on, but now everyone will probably blame me for ruining everything. Even if I did go, too much has happened for me to enjoy the trip.

And OOP now makes a decision of if he should go or not

[deleted]

> Your poor wife. > > I read the last post, and I read this post and I kept coming to the same conclusion: I hope he goes on the trip.  I say that because if you had, she very well might have left you.  And that you deserve to be left is just a given. > > But now she's distracted.  Who knows what you'll do next to fuck her over?  Who knows how hard you'll hurt her?  Who knows how much harder it will be to get out by then? > > She most likely has no clue what kind of self absorbed, narcissistic madman she's stuck with.  She thinks she has a normal person as a husband, and she's sitting tight.  When, in reality, she actually has a manchurian candidate of baby level narcissism, just under the surface. > > What planet do you live on?  What society have you grown up in that you feel like your way of thinking and the way you react to things are normal?  It's like you spent 32 years in a sealed room with only headshots of yourself and a recording of "Only I matter" playing on a loop, and then someone pushed you out into the world. > > Your poor wife.

OOP

>>As much as you may think I don't, I love my wife. I love her more than anyone else, but yes, I can be selfish. If I get called out for it, then I can correct it, but otherwise there's a good chance I won't make the right decision. In this case, the trip is off. I'm not going, and I'm okay with that.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/poppurplepuff

I will probably never buy Christmas gifts for a family in need ever again.

Originally posted to r/offmychest & r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/queenlegolas & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Deception, theft!<

Original Post  Jan 7, 2025

In 2023, a mom on my local moms group posted a plea for toys for her daughter's Christmas. She said she and her husband couldn't afford to buy anything, and I felt bad, because many people were commenting with rude and degrading responses. I didn't know this girl, but it turned out that we had mutual acquaintances and we also happened to work in the same hospital. People said she a genuinely kind person and a hard worker. I bought some toys and clothes for her and she cried when she picked it up, thanking me for helping her out.

This past Christmas, I heard she had to quit work to care for her mother, and she welcomed a second baby. She made a post again on the moms group and asked for small things for her kids. I offered to do it again and I bought things for both daughters. The mom told me that these were the only presents her kids would receive this Christmas as she and her husband were struggling. They even had to sell one of their cars, she claimed.

Yesterday, she sent me a message to thank me for the gifts. I don't know what prompted me to click on her profile, but there was a recently posted video she she shared from her TikTok. Turns out this mom is trying to become an influencer. She boasts having an elaborate gaming desktop; she spends money on designer bags; she goes on shopping sprees for products to endorse and boost her followers on social media; and she shares shopping hauls on expensive products for herself and her husband.

I feel so stupid. I know you can't always believe what people say, especially when they claim to be in a rough situation, but damn, some people just play you and take advantage of anyone's kindness. I know not all people do this, but it's kind of ruined any sort of desire I have left to help families especially during the holidays. And I also feel bad thinking this way.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

wittiestphrase

>Is there a chance that the persona you saw online was actually the lie?  Lots of people like to pretend to have things because they think it gives them credibility.

OOP

>>I don't think so. Her TikTok is full of "get ready with me" videos and of her cleaning up after her kids. They're consistent and show the same things in the background, like her really nice gaming desktop and her one nice car. I think it's a Mercedes. But now that you've mentioned this, it makes me wonder just how fake she really is.

metoocka

>Can you either expose her on Tik Tok or write to her directly letting her know that you saw her Tik Tok and are very hurt/disappointed/angry that she took advantage of your kindness.

OOP

>>I could do either of those things, but I also feel like the better choice would be to just let it go and move on. Kind of like ghost her. Not reply to any requests for help or anything, and then if she continues to post for help on the group, I'll just leave an anonymous tip or something. Even doing that makes me feel horrible, but I don't want someone else to fall victim to this scheme.

~

the_monkey_socks

> As the kid in this situation: > > Please don't stop. My parents did not care to buy me things. They had all the nice, fancy, updated things. They would brag about the nice computers and tvs and phones on social media, yet we (the 6 kids) had to split meal deals and the one pack of chalk, or whatever "fun" things. This was how I got my Christmas for a couple of years were from people who "adopted" me. Don't punish the children for their adults. They cannot control them. > > Also from a different but same perspective, my mom and grandparents lost everything in Hurricane Katrina. So yes, they were buying expensive "nice" things but also for an investment to last a while. So my first Christmas after the storm was an angel Christmas. I was 10, knew the truth, but it was a way for me to get something I wanted without feeling as guilty for asking my caretakers who were rebuilding and buying my necessities. It made me feel special.

OOP

>>I'm sorry your childhood was like that, really. It must've been really hurtful to see them spoil themselves but not really consider their six kids. The thing is, I feel like the mom just didn't even try to get her own kids something after I accepted to help. I told her I'd help in early November, before the Black Friday deals, Target Day Deals, and Prime Day. She posted several haul videos of high end items and designer bags throughout that whole time. I think I spent around $150 for her (great deals and lucky finds), and she spent more than that on a designer bag for herself.

Update - AITA for refusing to help a "mom in need"?  Dec 11, 2025 (11 Months later)

Two years ago, a struggling mom reached out on a local Facebook group, asking for someone to help her buy Christmas gifts for her daughter. I answered her plea and helped her out. The next year, she had welcomed a second child, had to quit her job to care for her sick mother, and had apparently sold a car so she and her husband could make ends meet. I helped again. After the second Christmas, she sent me a thank you and a friend request, and I accepted. Her profile was full of TikTok posts that detailed her life as a novice influencer. So many videos of her doing designer shopping hauls, displaying expensive nails, and trying out expensive coffee shops and such. So basically, she was struggling because of this. I posted something on Reddit before about this and people advised me how to proceed.

Two weeks ago, she reached out to me again and asked if I could once more help her buy Christmas gifts for her two kids. I didn't answer right away, but I didn't want to ghost her or anything, so I responded and told her, as advised, that I wouldn't be helping her this year. I told her politely that "it is clear to me that your inability to afford Christmas gifts for your girls stems from irresponsible financial decisions, not being down on your luck like you've claimed". I apologized and advised her to go shopping at some of the cheaper places I do my shopping at, like Ross, Marshalls, and Burlington. She blew up at me for being so insulting. She called me an AH for shaming her when she's trying to make a living for her kids by becoming an influencer. She shamed me on the local Facebook group where she originally reached out for help two years ago, posting my name and a snapshot of my Facebook profile on there. She threw in some other accusations that I was racist, sexist, and a cruel person. I haven't responded to that yet because I don't know if it's just better to not say anything or to defend myself and expose her.

I don't think I'm the AH here, but some people have said I should be just helped her out again because I have a stable job and she's just a young mom. I disagree. Did I handle it appropriately? AITA?

VERDICT: NOT THE ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

LaywerDad1981

> Walk away and forget it. > > NTA.

OOP

>>This is what I'd like to do. I just reported her post to the administrators of the Facebook group. It's a buy nothing page where people give and take help or items. I've contributed a few times on there so I'm hoping they don't believe that I'm a hateful person.

OOP Updated Dec 13, 2025 (2 days later)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for your input and advice. I read through pretty much all of them and I just wanted to say a few things...

First off, the admins for the Facebook group removed her post and banned her from the group after stating that they do not tolerate slander and hateful comments. I also blocked her from social media.

Second, and I guess I probably should've explained this in my post, after she had reached out for help this year and I eventually told her no, she persistently tried to get me to change my mind. She kept saying things like, "Are you sure you can't help?" "You're the only one who helps me with this." "My girls only want small things this year and I promise it won't be a lot." I explained to her in between these pleas that I'm expecting my own baby in a few weeks and we were saving for maternity leave. She then said she is still trying to make Christmas magical and that she's been actively looking for work for over a year now. But then on the other hand, her TikTok page is just full of content. That's when I said what I said. Maybe I was too straightforward, but I thought honesty was the right course of action. If that makes me an AH, fine. But I still believe that she should've been prioritizing finding a job or saving money rather than spending it for her influencer life. Also, she has about 50 followers so I don't know if that counts as an influencer.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Temporary_Lie_3460

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: aita: for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas, u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!accident, death of a loved one, abuse, stalking, miscarriage, assault!<

Mood Spoilers: >!very devastating!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: October 29, 2024

I just really need some clarity on this situation, I 23f lost my husband 25m weeks ago to a car accident, he was the love of my life, and I’m still not used to waking up without him every day. we have big plans for our future, and it all came crashing down in a heartbeat. we met on his uncle’s farm, he was a farm hand, and it was love at first site for me. I’m also 4 months pregnant but I haven’t told anyone, I was planning on telling my friend when I was feeling better.

My best friend Leigh 24F has been my shoulder to cry on during this time, she helped me with his funeral and anything else I needed as I’m NC with my bio family story for another time, she is currently dating Barry 24M they usually hang out in a trio with Liam 24M, when I first met Liam he hit on me hard tried everything as in would try and compare himself with my husband say weird things like our kids would be cuter than if you had kids with My husband. He's also made weird comments like I need a city boy and would motion himself, when I’m a country girl through and through, I typically would shut him down or ignore him, but I would always get dirty looks from Barry.

skip to Sunday night, I got a messaged from Leigh begging me to come to dinner with her because she wanted to treat me as I had Been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, feeling not so shit about myself I decided to go. When I arrived she wasn't there so I texted her asking how long she would be and she told me 5 mins she's just running late and is around the corner so I to sat down and ordered a drink now 5 mins comes and she's still not there so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited another five when I’m about call her Liam comes rushing over and gives his apologies for being late I asked him what's he doing here because I’m waiting for Leigh and it was a two chair table, he smiles at me and grabs my hand I ripped it off of him and he just says oh I asked Leigh to set us up now that Husbands name isn't a problem we can finally get to know each other he looked so cringey and I’m telling you I was floored I stood up and told him that I wasn't interested and I certainly don't give a flying fuck about getting to know him, and that I just lost my husband

without a word of a lie this man stands up and said I know your being overly emotion right now so ill forgive you for that sit down with me, I’m not saying we have to have sex straight away or anything, I was disgusted I shoved past him and went home as fast as I could when I did get home Leigh messaged me soo how was dinner with a smirk emoji I called her and when she answered I didn’t let her get a word in I yelled at her asked her how she has the audacity to do something like this weeks after I just lost my husband when shoes been the one to hold me together this whole time I asked her what fucking game was she playing and that the only reason I wanted to meet tonight with HER was to tell her I’m pregnant I just hung up on her and texted her I need time and don't want to be contacted by her for the time being.

Last night Barry came to my house and asked to talk, I said no and that if he didn’t leave id call the police, he told me that I broke Leighs heart and that I deeply hurt Liam when now is an even better time to get to know Liam because he could raise my Child With me I opened my door which Barry took as I wanted to talk instead I hit him with my shoes and chased him to his car screaming, I’m actually embarrassed I did that.

All day today I’m being flooded with messages from friends and the trio themselves shaming me for pushing the people who care about me the most away and that they don't even recognise the person I’ve become the only thing that hurts me most is that my husband would know what to do he would tell me how to fix it and now I have no one who I can talk to I’m just so numb inside, I have A therapy appointment tomorrow but I’m thinking of calling my husband’s mum even though we've barley spoken since the funeral any advice is appreciated, please exude any typos I’m just so exhausted

{Edit : I made a new account for this post as some friends have my main and I’d rather have some time to grasp this whole thing before I answer anyone personally. thank you}

I have a small update on another post

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very weird and inappropriate people you have as so called friends. Go NC with them. Just ew. Call your mother in law. She'll be thrilled about the baby. That's your support system. And join a grief therapy group if there is one local to you. It's okay to be numb. It's normal to be numb when life cracks you upside the head this hard.

> OOP: thank you, I just feel so wrecked at the minute and I have joined a grief group in the city I'm trying to grip enough courage to actually go.

OOP on the friends thinking she needs to get over her husband’s death

> OOP: they think I should go out with Liam to get over my husband, I personally am in no way to be jumping into a relationship let alone having a " new family", thank you for your advice

Commenter 2: These 3 are absolute shit humans. Did they absolutely hate your late husband or something? Lose the 3 of them. I can't even comprehend the audacity that would make them think any of their behaviors was appropriate.

> OOP: Leigh used to have a crush on my husband she knew him because her brother used to play football with my husband, other than that Barry and Liam hated him because they think people from the country are stuck up rednecks, thank you for your comment

Commenter 3: Are you uber rich or very very attractive? Because I can't understand why these people are pushing so hard to see you with a man again

> OOP: Leigh is the kind of woman who can't be single, I hope that explains her point of view

&nbsp;

Update #1: October 30, 2024 (next day)

hello all and thank you, I just wanted to start off with I called my Mil Louise, after making the post I thought that I needed to tell her about baby because just like some of you said, she is overjoyed about the news.

she didn't answer my call but instead drove straight over to my house, I honestly didn’t know what to say to her but we just hugged and cried all night, I didn’t have the best delivery about how I am pregnant probably due to all the crying but she just light up and was so happy it’s the first time I’ve seen her be this happy in all the time I’ve known her so at least I have some support, my Fil came over when he finished work after Mil told him he needed to come to my house and he was too overjoyed about becoming a pop.

Louise offered to have the baby and I move in and I agreed, she said that I can sleep in my husband’s old room which was a little bittersweet, when I told her what was going on with Leigh, Liam and Barry she was furious and told me not to worry about it because they { Mil & Fil ] have my back after a lot of even more crying Fil told me that my husband would be so happy to have this baby grow up on a farm like my husband did overall our conversations last night was a something I needed.

now I’m just going to answer some comments:

1 no this isn't fake and if you choose top believe that then that's fine but don't be dragging my husband when you don't even know him. Liam dint kill my husband, it was a car accident and my husband died on impact nothing crazy went on its just awful but is as simple as that

2 Leigh was my friend for a long time she was genuinely there for me when I went NC with my parents and I thought she was a decent friend, now knowing the truth there is many things I can think of that she did that are red flags, personally I think I ignored them because I have never been close to anyone like that other than my husband.

3: Liam is a loser, And from my chat with Barry I learnt that he's always had feelings for me and he's never given up because apparently he's my type? he isn't and never will be.

4: yes I ordered a drink I didn't think I needed to disclose that I ordered a lemonade? it was simply a soda nothing wild I know I’m pregnant and I’d never do anything silly.

5: I'm not magically pregnant, my husband and I both wanted children young and were trying for about a year, we just didn't disclose that we were trying because my husband and I think it’s weird telling people oh were having sex an extra amount, I don't know but my husband and I are very private people and kept a lot of it that way.

and as for the trio I've blocked them, none of my family are reaching out because they simply don't know me anymore, the only friends who are reaching out are mutuals of either Leigh, Barry and one of Liams other friends, I was confused on if I was an asshole because I just left Liam standing there and yelled at Leigh I was so upset I was confused on the entire thing

but thank you all and I will update on what happens because I know Liam will not give up until he's in jail I seriously hope is doesn't come to that but the fact he drove past my house twice is uneasy so I’m hopeful the move to husbands parents farm will have my baby and myself on a better path.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wish you and your baby all the best..

Commenter 2: Report him for stalking and obtain a restraining order.

Accept your in laws help and support for now but be careful about it as you move forward. You are young to say "never" about another partner. Keep an eye and allow them to be grandparents. Not surrogate "parents". Be cautious about your boundaries longer term. But for now, embrace their love and support.

And dump your "friends".

&nbsp;

---

#----NEW UPDATES----

editor's the next two updates are over 20 months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

OOP updated onto the same update post

Update #2: November 6, 2024 (one week later)

Firstly some good news, I found out that I’m having a little girl, I am actually feeling a little bit better today and thought I’d update.

I moved in my in laws the next morning after they had come over, we went to the police and unfortunately there is nothing they can do unless he trespasses, comes into physical contact with me pretty much until he gets worse but I did take the initiative and move so they think he will be less of a threat now that I don’t live in that house but they did take my screenshots of his weird creepy messages and noted that he has been driving past relentlessly.

After a few days we came into town to go grocery shopping and we saw leigh, she went to come over but my MIL like stared at her and yelled NO, Leigh looked a bit awkward because my Mil was yelling yes I’m talking to you Leigh go bother someone else with your bullshit. Leigh did end up walking away which we thought was good I was greatly overwhelmed obviously about seeing her and my anxiety has gotten worse since the “ blind date” I think I was also anxious because Leigh is never without Barry, so I was very worried

When we had finished shopping and was walking back to our car Leigh and Barry was waiting for us but again my Mil started screaming, she was yelling he was scum and they are trying to sell drugs to a pregnant woman pretty much anything you embarrass them and to draw a crowd Leigh and Barry did leave again not without looking scared (points to Mil)

since that I moved in to the farm, and it been drama free I had an appointment yesterday and found out about my baby girl but also that I have high blood pressure most liking due to the stress but we’re going to have to watch it just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it.

My husband has always wanted a girl, so I know she is a gift from him, but apart from the grocery store incident and the police, it’s been very positive for me being with my In laws, and there dog Spud ( don’t ask I don’t know why that’s his name)

Thank you again.

&nbsp;

Trigger Warnings: >!miscarriage!<

Update #3: December 22, 2024 (1.5 months later from the last update)

thank you to everyone who helped me with my issues about Leigh and the others. It’s over I was attacked and suffered greatly.

I lost my baby a month ago and I will be logging off for a while.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you for the kindness, enjoy your holidays

- J

&nbsp;

Trigger Warnings: >!assault!<

Update #4: October 1, 2026 (over 21 months later since the last update

editor's note: removed the bottom part of the latest update as they are links to the previous posts

Update: AITA for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

Hi everyone, if you remember me It’s been a while and I’ll try to make this as short as possible

two years ago I was going through what I felt was the worse year of my life. and I’m finally at a point in my life where I can speak about it without any repercussions on my mental health.

So let’s start with the trio, immediately after my mother-in-law yelled at them, Leigh and Barry continued to try and reach me online, in person (if I was in town) and through whatever mutual friends we had left. it got to a point where they started sending massive amounts of baby items to my old home with letters and letters I think the most they sent in a week was like sixty-eight it was crazy, I didn’t have to deal with the stress of it as my In-laws dealt with it for me bless their souls.

However Leigh did try to corner me at one point in person crying and apologetic about what happened with Liam (as if she wasn’t the puppet master) and that she wanted us to go back to before all of the mess, I pushed passed her staring through her and that seemed to make her even more upset and incoherent, but I walked away and left her there.

one night my in-laws and I decided to go to the pub for good old pub feed, now I’m still not sure if they stalked me or someone told them I was there but Liam, Barry and Leigh all came into the pub and tried to sit at the table over from us, my in-laws and I immediately got up and started walking to out and back to Louise’s car, my father in law was right behind me the trio followed us out and was yelling I was told to ignore them and keep walking, as we did I hear my farther in law yelling and then this thud as I turn around Liam was trying to fight my father in law, Liam was on top of him punching and Barry and Leigh was just standing there.

Louise was beside her self-running back to help my father In law and I couldn’t just stand there and watch so I made a stupid decision and got involved I kicked Liam as hard as I could in his face and he fell back, I tried to grab my phone to call the police but Barry ran over to me and started beating the hell out of me I mean sometimes I can still feel him hurting me he knocked me clean out, fortunately some pub locals stepped in and stopped Liam and Barry and restrained them until the police arrived all three of them were arrested right there. Liam and Barry are currently serving time for what they did to my in laws and myself Leigh was also charged but was given probation and a massive restraining order. And I’ve made my peace with that.

In the hospital I was told that I was already in the process of a miscarriage before the assault and well getting my ass beat by grown man didn’t help. I was devastated my daughter didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that. My farther in law only had a couple of cuts and bruises but he was ok as was Louise, they took me back home and nursed me back to health properly. I was an absolute wreck, and I didn’t deserve the kindness and love my in laws gave me,

I told them to be mad at me, that the miscarriage was my fault and that I failed their son, they helped me get help and to stop blaming myself for situations I had no control over, they helped me with my statements to the police, selling my old house and with everything else. I could never make it up to them for what they have done for me and the memory of my daughter.

I moved into one of units on the property where I still live today, I work the farm and look after my in-laws and not to mention the sweet 10 year old spud who for his age will still keep you on your toes for an old dog, I miss my husband every day of my life and I know he’s looking after our daughter until I can see them again, I will never ever get over losing them both but I am learning on how to live with it, I made new friends and I’m truly starting to live my life again, I will look after my in-laws until they don’t want me too, they are my family and I love them dearly. It took some real hard work to get where I am, I even overcame my agoraphobia believe me I am still a working progress I take every day a step at a time. Pretty much everyone in our small town knows what happened and Leigh’s parents are now on the outs for supporting her but other than that I’m glad they aren’t my problem anymore and I’m living my life without anything but peace.

Sorry for any typos I’m on my phone sorry! Also thank you to everyone who reached out to me I genuinely appreciated, I won’t be posting anymore after this, so this is goodbye.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/footinmouthugh

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?

Trigger Warnings: >!misandry!<

---

Original Post: July 26, 2026

Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next Sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.

On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now, so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.

He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally, which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird, so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.

I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified that’s not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?

Verdict: Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?

> OOP: My other friend and I just agreed with her that guys have no respect for the work that goes behind making a house livable, that they don't get that having to ask to do basic stuff Is itself her having to take on the load herself amongst other complaints she had. None if this applies to my husband. My friend was unhappy what was I supposed to do say actually no its just you? None of it applied to him. > >> Commenter 2: I think you're actually hurting your friend by doing this. You're basically saying it's normal for men to be like this because they're all that way, and that's not true. If her boyfriend sucks say that, reference how your husband is different. Stop giving lazy men a pass and lumping in normal men with them. >> >>> OOP (downvoted): I didn’t think of that. I guess in the moment I just wanted to validate her, I don't know if she's at the point where I wanted to tell her to dump him, so I just thought of being a good friend and supporting her.

Commenter 3: Going with YTA.

These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.

Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.

Commenter 4: I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.

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Update: October 1, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

I received a bunch of advice along with the verdict on my last post. I sincerely apologized to my husband and said that not only was I unfair to him, but I also did my friend a disservice by implying that this is just normal for men. He accepted my apology and we had an amazing second anniversary.

Since then I have been concertedly complimenting all he does for us when we're amongst friends or family and I feel like it has made our relationship better and stronger. My friends and I hung out last weekend too, my husband wasn't there. She really seems like she's on the brink now with her boyfriend, and was venting, and it did veer into a generalization like last time. I told her that there are good men who are truly partners in a relationship, and gave some examples of stuff my husband does. And that that's what she should have no reason to not expect from her partner. I hope that helped more than just agreeing with her, like a lot of the advice suggested. Thanks, and I'm glad I posted.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did your husband by chance apologize for giving you the silent treatment instead of having a conversation with you like an adult?

> OOP: Honestly, at that point our anniversary was coming up and we had plans, and I really just wanted to put this behind us

Commenter 2: Being able to take constructive criticism is a sign of extreme maturity! Good on ya!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

The other recent AI law post reminded me of this and I realized it hadn’t been posted here. OP is u/anarchophysicist posting in r/publicdefenders. All updates were posted to the original post and have been reorganized here in chronological order.

Editor’s note: MIL = motion in limine, a pretrial filing where an attorney asks the judge to include or exclude certain evidence in an upcoming case

edited to fix the copy-paste error, sorry!

Friday 9/19/25

Commenter: I am brimming with excitement on your behalf. Hopefully you can turn this into some kind of win for your client.

OP: Oh we are at the last day of a statutory time limit my friend. It’s going to be incredible.

Edit 2: I sent an email 5 mins before court that simply said “Regarding your filed motions, it appears none of your cited authority actually exists.” The DA then just no-showed. Someone else had to make the appearance. The DA is now ordered present at 1pm to explain herself. “Let your colleague know we can always have her brought here if she can’t get here on her own.” was the quote of the day so far. But unfortunately my client attacked a guard at the jail and was not transported so everything is a total shit show at the moment.

Edit 3: It’s so much worse than it originally seemed. Found out she’s straight up lied to the court about her communications with LEA’s regarding the case.

Edit 4: SHE CAN’T BE PRESENT AT 1PM BECAUSE SHE IS BEING SANCTIONED FOR MISREPRESENTATION IN ANOTHER MATTER AT THAT TIME. I am losing my mind. How is this real? She’s not a new attorney. Back at 2pm.

Edit 5, Final update before Monday (prob): I am in the trial court with 3 other trials and the judge is absolutely livid. The judge ordered the client released from custody for reasons too complicated to get into and the DA who filed the AI MILs tried to get the court to order me personally to transport him next week based the same case law I already told her was fake. She quoted the exact same language that didn’t exist and said “The courts have held” but never cited anything. I asked for a citation and she said she didn’t have one right now. The judge literally yelled “ENOUGH!” and ordered everyone present Monday afternoon.

She wants new briefing from me on, in her words, “What the fk is even happening here”. The DA is not permitted to amend her filed MILs but may file a supplement: “I think we’d all like to hear you argue exactly what you cited in your motions Miss Da.” The development that has kicked all this up a notch is that deputies are telling us there was no fight at the jail. No one can figure out where that came from. The DA told the sheriffs he wouldn’t need to be transported today if he wasn’t cooperative. When they woke him up for transport he was groggy and slow, so they decided that meant he was refusing to go to court.

There is at least one deputy who said he tried to tell both the DA and his boss that this was wrong and he needed to go to court but they didn’t listen. I wish I could give everyone a run down of the exact legal issues but I’m changing details to preserve some degree of anonymity for both myself and the client.

Final Update

JUDGMENT: DISMISSAL OF ALL CHARGES IN THE INTERESTS OF JUSTICE DUE TO PROSECUTORIAL MISCONDUCT AND REFERRAL TO THE STATE BAR

The judge went through the motions in limine and each time made a finding that the DA had cited non-existent authorities and denied them, commenting about halfway through that it was starting to seem a little suspicious. The judge was also kind of grossed out by how nakedly one-sided several of the motions were, like one very bizarre request that the prosecution be allowed to make a motion for directed verdict before defense put on their case. I deliberately structured my motions so the big ones would be last.

All of her evidence was excluded, along with her witnesses, for due process violations re: notice and confrontation. The judge delivered a zinger at this point so vicious it felt like a gun went off but I can’t think of a way to share it without doxxing myself. RIGHT BEFORE we get to my big MIL about the lying and my suspicions regarding AI use, the DA asks for a recess bc she needs to speak with her supervisor.

She returns and says “In light of your rulings this morning, and the prejudice they will cause to the State’s case, we no longer feel there is a reasonable possibility of conviction – “ The judge interrupts: “Agreed. The matter is dismissed in the interests of justice for substantive due process violations arising from the misrepresentations and misconduct of the prosecution. This is based on the declaration of defense counsel filed this morning and the Court’s own observations as to the numerous illegal citations in the State’s pleadings. Transcripts are ordered and counsel for the State is referred for an order to show cause before the State Bar.”

I have been transparent about the fact I’m changing many details to preserve confidentiality but here is the core of what transpired: an attorney for the state tried to deprive someone of their most basic civil rights by fabricating statements from jail staff regarding the behavior of that client and used fake AI generated authorities in an absolutely fake AI generated pleading. After reviewing my history of communication w/ this attorney, I discovered this had been an issue for quite some time. But you will all be pleased to hear that anything in quotes is pretty much verbatim. I love this judge so much bc she does not put up with bullshit. Needless to say I am exhausted but I’ve enjoyed having you all join me on this journey. Ultimately though, I just feel kind of sick to my stomach that this happened in the first place.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/National_Bison_6764

AITA for honestly telling my GF what I would change about her?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Body shaming!<

Original Post - rareddit Feb 25, 2022

I watched a TikTok where a couple asked each other what they would change about each other and they both said nothing, they’re both perfect and they love each other very much etc. So I thought let me try this with my girlfriend, without filming of course. She said “I wouldn’t change anything about you, maybe I would make you less anxious about everyday stuff so you wouldn’t suffer“. It’s true, I tend to be very anxious and obsessive compulsive sometimes but I’m dealing with it.

Then she asked me what I would change about her. I told her I would like her to have her old body back, meaning before the pandemic when she was more muscular and a little bit thinner. Also I told her she could be less hairy in some areas like her face and arms and I wish her hair was more cared for. I wouldn’t change anything fundamental about her appearance, maybe make her legs a little bit thinner but all my requests are very much achievable with a little effort. She didn’t seem to appreciate my comments, her expression changed and she locked herself in her room without saying anything. We slept on different beds and the next day she told me something very hurtful. She said “I don’t think that your appearance is perfect either, there are some issues but I love you enough not to pester you about them.” When I asked her what she meant she replied that she wished I followed her skincare advice to get rid of my acne and that I would work out with her more. I told her the difference is that I was honest and she lied. She didn’t say anything but it was obvious that she had been crying the whole night. She went to her sister’s house and hasn’t been responding to my messages

So am I the AH for being honest?

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

JoJoMamaPlays

>YTA. You saw an opportunity to confront your gf about things you’re not attracted to under the guise of “oh look how fun and sweet”. You tricked her and made her feel like shit.

xrgentum

>>Yeah OP is a massive AH. Even the way he wrote this up you can tell he’s still trying to convince himself that it was for a tiktok trend. I hope for the girlfriend’s sake that she can see what type of person he really is.

No-Wing-2161

>>>And the fact that he can tell her something hurtful and excuses it because he says it’s easily achievable, but when she treats him the same way, he says she was very hurtful like what she did was worse. He can’t play the victim here.

Ursula2071

>>>>And she wasn’t hurtful,at all. She was very kind. She said she wanted him to be less anxious, meaning she doesn’t want to see him suffer because she loves him…his response: YOU ARE FAT AND HAIRY! What? I’m just being honest! WTF.

~

Sk111W

>YTA You saw a trend on tik tok of two people accepting each other and decided to use it as a way to nitpick your GF's appearance.

SunshineOnStimulants

>> OP doesn’t deserve a girlfriend until he can behave like a grown up. YTA, OP. >> >> And trying to turn it around on her that she lied? You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you deserve a girlfriend. There is only one Asshole here, and that’s you. Asshole doesn’t even BEGIN cover it but I have to be civil. However I will say, with all required respect, I have a very low opinion of you as a person. I hope you learn from your mistakes.

~

Coogles

>Ha-ha, you fool! You fell victim to one of the classic blunders, the most famous of which is “Never get involved in a land war in Asia,” but only slightly less well known is never get in a conversation with your girlfriend about what you would change about eachother! YTA.

spaceyjaycey

>>Inconceivable! 🤣.

OOP updated the post the Next Day/Feb 26, 2022

UPDATE: I get it, I’m the asshole. I called and profusely apologized but she said she would think of my comments every time I look at her and it’s something she can’t just forget. My gf of 4 years broke up with me and now I see why. Thank you all for your comments.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/throw-away1918

AITA for moving out, taking all my stuff, and not telling my roommates

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Invasion of privacy, entitlement!<

Editors Note: Changed initials B, C & D to Bethany, Celine & Dolly for easier reading

Original Post  Nov 11, 2021

I (19f) live with 3 other girls (19-20) in an apartment on campus. Since it’s an apartment on campus it’s a 2 bedroom with 4 people so everyone shares a room. I share a room with Bethany, Celine and Dolly share a room. Between me and Dolly we furnished the whole apartment.

I want to acknowledge that I am the bitchy roommate, I call everyone out on money, food, and cleaning. I’m a full time college student and I work 40 hours a week on top of that, but I’m also the one that does the most chores. Since I am the only one with a job, my roommates expect me to buy everything for the place (toilet paper, garbage bags, ect) and they get mad that I ask them to pay me their share of.

I really enjoy cooking and it’s a huge stress relief for me. For the first month of the semester we did group groceries and group meals, it was cheaper and we would be getting better meals. I figured out We could get 2 weeks worth of meals for around $30 - $40 each every 2 weeks. I make the grocery list and cook the meals. After about a month B and Celine said they don’t want to do group groceries anymore because it’s too expensive. I now cook meals for me and Dolly, we shop together and split the cost 50/50. I’m cooking food for me and Dolly still, Bethany and Celine expect me to make them food. I told them they didn’t pay for food so Im not making them any. So now they go out to eat and get take out every night, then complain that they don’t have any money.

Bethany has a boyfriend, he comes over and spends the night too. I share a room with Bethany, i’ve asked to let me know before he comes over. She did for a month, now she tells no one. He comes over and takes naps in her bed when she’s not in the room and I’m trying to do homework. I’ve asked not have him spend the night if I am intoxicated due to trauma. I woke up after drinking and he was in the room asleep without her. So I did not fall back asleep and was not happy. He comes over all the time now and she doesn’t let us know, I’ll jump in the shower in the morning when I walk back to my room in just a towel he’ll be sitting on her bed while I try to get dressed.

I am in therapy, and because of the pandemic it’s virtual. So I do it from my own room. I can’t help it if there’s people home, but I’ve recently figured out that they’ve been listening to my therapy sessions. I’ll talk about things in that session that I don’t talk about with anyone else, somehow Celine and Bethany will bring it up later that night if it’s something about the apartment and them.

When I move out they will have absolutely nothing in the apartment, no pots or pans, couch, a coffee table, a TV, a TV stand, all decorations, ect. I already canceled my housing contract for next semester, it isn’t going to be worth $2,000 for me. So I left for 2 weeks, packed up most of my stuff and left with it, I only told Dolly that I was leaving for 2 weeks. So Bethany and Celine have no idea where I am or most of my stuff and honestly I’m fine with it.

Am I the asshole?

Edit: I have told Dolly that I am not coming back for the 2nd semester. Everything that she paid for / brought is hers, I’m leaving her stuff alone and that includes some of the stuff that we split the cost on. Bethany and Celine have since decided to give me the silent treatment and have not talked to me for a week. I have my big furniture pieces and everything in the kitchen left there for me to grab over thanksgiving break when no one is there. Otherwise, I have nothing else still there. I have talked to Dolly about moving out and getting a place with me and she isn’t interested with moving into a house this year since she is from out of state.

The apartment is through college housing, there is no rent to worry about for them to pay. A new random person will be placed into the apartment. The cost of living for them will not change.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

Editors Note: reason for the verdict when OOP is clearly NTA

Negative_Rent

>It's the top comment, it's very long, seemingly supportive, but there's an YTA hidden in there. People are getting confused. Oh, NTA.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

> Nta- you don’t owe them an explanation. They continuously crossed boundaries and didn’t respect you enough. Your roomies bf is nasty too. He’s sitting there knowing you need to get dressed. That’s gross. If you share a room he shouldn’t be staying over like that. > > Also you own that stuff. They’re adults and can figure their shut out. You should try and get a place with d > > Edit: you do not owe people who treat you badly a explanation or another chance to talk you out of it. The only person who truly matters in your life is you op. You told roommate d what was up because she respected you. You don’t owe the other two anything. They were abusive and horrible to you. Worry about yourself not if you hurt their feelings. They should have considered yours if they wanted you to consider theirs.

Update  Nov 27, 2021 (16 Days Later)

I have successfully moved out of the college apartment and I moved back in with my parents while I finish out this semester before getting into a house.

My ex roommates Bethany and Celine have basically cut all contact with me. Me, Bethany, Celine, and Dolly tried to set up a time to talk about everything. Bethany and Celine showed no interest and refused. I even went back to the apartment to try help Dolly with stuff because me and her are remaining friends (she understands why I’m leaving and isn’t holding a grudge against me). When I went back Bethany and Celine locked themselves into the room that Celine and I shared. They were talking loudly (on purpose) so that I could hear them.

Bethany: “…we should go talk to her I feel bad”

Celine: “I don’t really care she’s a bitch for taking everything…”

The two laugh and stayed in the locked room until I left. They said nothing to me the whole time.

I took everything of mine, leaving them with the university suppled Furniture. No more nice furniture, nothing to cook with, no decorations, nothing in the bathroom, etc. I moved everything out when everyone was gone for the weekend. In moving out I haven’t been able to find a few of my belongings, in the end the total amount for how much I’m missing is about $40. Dolly has no idea where it is or how it went missing.

Bethany and Celine have completely cut off contact with me, blocked me on social media, and left our group chats. From Dolly I found out that Bethany and Celine will be moving out as well and into a dorm with just the 2 of them. Celine moved into the room with Bethany for the time being so now Dolly has her own room.

Bethany still hasn’t seemed to grasp the concept that she’s the reason that I’m leaving more than anything. She is still bringing her boyfriend over almost everyday and isn’t asking, she is telling Dolly instead of asking. Dolly has told her no he can’t come over a few times and she still tries to sneak him in. This ends in Dolly yelling at her and then fighting, resulting in Bethany locking herself in the room to pout. Dolly wants to get the RAs involved and I keep telling her to but she hasn’t yet.

Me, Celine, and Dolly were part of a friend group of 6 from freshman year. I talked to them and leaned on them for support and they all agree that Celine and Bethany are way out of line. Formally kicking Celine out out of the group. She’s been removed from out group chats along with other social media. I definitely feel as tho that’s my fault but I don’t feel bad about it, Celine showed her true colors and made her own fate.

Edit: my ex roommates are not financially responsible for any type of rent since it’s a contract with out college. The cost is paid in tuition.

FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

>Good for you. Glad you and Dolly are staying friends and you got those two toxic people out of your life.

OOP

>>She says she will, but I suspect the last of my stuff was either thrown away or they have it hidden/taken somewhere

MaryAnne0601

>>>Chalk the $40 worth of stuff to experience and just forget them. Your better off. Your also NTA

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LiveSemicolon

I (21F) was sexually harassed by a coworker (40M). I reported him and now I'm scared

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!describes a terrifying sexual harassment encounter!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Ends positive for OOP!<

Original Post  Nov 29, 2019

Title pretty much explains it. TLDR at the end. I'm writing out the events almost like an incident report trying to keep things on track. If things don't make sense at first just bear with me.

So a little backstory leading up to the situation. This coworker has been the bane of my existence since he started. Hes way too cocky, overly confident in things he doesn't know, is bad at his job, and a huge liar. He's thrown me and fellow coworkers under the bus for HIS mistakes. Anything that comes out of this mans mouth you HAVE to take with a grain of salt because chances are its not quite the truth. Anyways, I wasn't very subtle with my dislike for him to my managers and other coworkers I trusted, but I understand professionalism is need in the workplace so I've always been very polite and cordial to him.

We don't work shifts together that often, but on Monday the 25th we ended up working a shift from 5pm-11pm together. The shift started out like normal, us at our separate stations grinding through the day. Making small talk to keep the shift passing. His wife stops by and drops of lunch for him, and after she leaves for whatever reason he starts telling me his marriage problems. This is a little out of the ordinary since I've never held a deeper conversation than what our weekend plans are with him. I let him ramble and give him kinda good, but half assed advice, like "why don't you just tell her these things" and "sounds like you need to talk to her."

After a while of this he suddenly drops on me that him and his wife don' have sex anymore. I'm a little taken aback but think nothing of it at the time, figuring dead bedrooms go hand in hand with marriage problems. I also am one of those girls that's always gotten along with guys a lot better, and am used to hearing tons of "locker room talk." We kind of talk back and forth about that, and I'll admit I said somethings maybe I shouldn't have said in hindsight. I made comments about how I keep my sex life healthy with my boyfriend, saying things like "we like to try new things" or "we try to set aside times to just be intimate with each other." I think the most explicit thing I said was after he told me he found a vibrator in his wife's drawer that he didn't know about and I said "yeah but all girls have one, even I do." Again I take credit for my part in that and looking back I don't think I should have said those things.

Next thing he tells me that it seems like I would solve all his problems. He asks me to go in the back and hook up with him, mentioning that the cameras don't work. At this point fear just spreads over me. We are the only two people at work right now, with the next person coming on at 11pm and its only 7:30pm. I ask what in disbelief and he repeats himself, again stressing that the cameras don't work/record. I just kinda laugh and brush him off saying "you know we cant do that." He presses it again and I tell him no again.

I'm petrified at this point. Here I am alone for another 3 1/2 hours with an older guy twice my size. Last thing I wanted was to go in the back for something in the printer and to get shoved in the supply closet. I texted one of my other coworkers what was going on but didn't bother contacting a manager. They never reply to texts and I couldn't chance a phone call in front of the guy. Looking back I should have just left, or had someone come and keep me company, but I was scared and kind of just shut down.

As the night goes on he goes back and forth between continuing to tell me about the lack of sex from his wife and all the things he and his wife used to do, getting into details. At one point I walk across to our coffee station to get a cup of coffee and try to get away for a little while. From across the room he begins to ask me to take care of his needs again, saying he's fantasized about me. That he jerks it in the shower to me all the time. How pretty I must look naked and with a cock in my mouth. Really uncomfortable stuff. I keep reminding him that I am in a very happy LTR. That I'm not looking for anything like that. He tells me that I'm making him sad every time I say no.

The entire time I'm trying to just keep the peace and not make this guy mad. He reminds me the cameras don;t work once again. He then tells me the story of how at his last job he was fired because a woman came forward and falsely accused him of sexual assault, and that it ruined his life for a while. He also let me know that if I tell anyone about tonight that he would know it was me that told.

I'm having a near panic attack at this point. I don't know where any of this is coming from. As much as I don't like the guy, he's got kids only 3-4 years younger than me, and he never struck me as this type. I never felt uncomfortable being left alone with him before, on top of I was sure he knew I wasn't particularly found of him. I keep trying to direct his attention away from me and say that if he's serious about stepping outside his marriage and really wont talk to his wife then he should try bars or something. He then proceeds to download tinder or okcupid or whatever on the computer and turns it to face towards me. He begins to scroll through and tell me which girls he wants to fuck and what he'd do to them.

A couple more times he asks me to hook up with him, ending with "well if you're ever single you better text me." It's 10:40pm at this point and the person relieving us gets here early. It also happens to be one of my favorite coworkers. Hes also an older guy but he super cool and not creepy, much more like a father figure. Helps me with my car and other advice. Anyways, relief coworker talks to us for a bit before actually starting his shift, I hang around to shoot the shit with him like I always do. I can tell the perverted coworker is anxious at the thought of me staying and talking in case I tell. he eventually leaves and I break down on tell cool coworker everything. I'm a crying mess and we sit and talk for over 2 hours. This is already getting pretty long so I'll spare the details, but cool coworker is incredibly angry and tell me that if I don't report it then he will. He says a lot of what happened and what was said was grooming. I agree to report it.

I call my boyfriend after leaving and tell him everything that happened. Hes supportive and tells me I need to report it too.

I go home and write everything down very similar to what I've written here. I take my notebook with me the next day to the office with me. I'ts my day off so when I go in my assistant manager is surprised to see me. Our GM is in a meeting and he asks me what was wrong. I had barely slept the night before and know I looked a mess. We step into his office and I just start crying and give me the notebook to read. After he does he apologizes and consoles me. We wait together until my GM is done. We go into her office together and repeat. I cry, she reads notebook. She's a little reserved asking me if it's 100% the truth and I say yes. She lets me know that corporate is going to have to be involved and there will be an investigation. I ask her please not to, I just don't want to work with him anymore. She says she has to and that she's really sorry. She asks why I wouldn't want there to be an investigation. I tell her that because I feel like I allowed it to happen with the way I spoke in the beginning and I was worried he would lie as he always does and spin it on me. I had no proof that this happened. No audio recording, no text messages between us, it was very he-said-she-said. She assures me that the investigation will be very thorough and unbiased and will get to the bottom of the truth. Because of the holiday she lets me know she cant get in contact with HR until next Tuesday, but will switch our schedules around so that we never cross paths until she can figure out exactly how to proceed with this. I'm fine with this. I tell her I'm really scared about him knowing that I told, since I work the overnight shift sometimes and he knows that. I'm scared he will come after me. She assures me again that everything will be taken care of.

Sorry for the long ramble, but what I need advice on is if I was in the right or not to report it. I have a sinking feeling in my stomach that I should have just shut up and let it go. I'm worried that I brought it upon myself for even entertaining any type of outside of work talk. My anxiety is through the roof and I cant sleep or eat. I know my story is 100% the truth on what happened, I'm just worried that somehow they wont believe me and I will get fired. Was I in the right? If so, how do I stop this anxiety and feeling like its my fault and that I'm the one that did something wrong?

TLDR; Older coworker grossly harasses me, I reported it, now feel like I did something wrong for reporting it. Cant eat or sleep since. Need help.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

sharmrp72

> YOU DID THE RIGHT THING - 100%. and i put it in capitals cos i am shouting at you. 100% every time. > > Guy probably does it and intimidates and that is how he keeps thinking he is entitled to keep.doing it. > > Chin up, he's a total git and deserves everything that's coming at him.

OOP

>>Hey thanks, I needed to hear that :)

Update - rareddit  Dec 17, 2019 (3 weeks later)

So its been a couple weeks and the whole thing has finally come to an end. Here's what happened.

The rest of that week passed, I had a nice Thanksgiving, I was able to kind of forget this had happened and found some peace. On the following Monday our HR Rep showed up and began the investigation. We went to a restaurant across the street and talked for about 2 hours in total. She was very sympathetic and kind and definitely did not make me feel like I was being investigated. She let me cry it all out and even somehow understood me through that ugly girl crying voice lol. After that she began to pull in my coworkers and ask them questions too. From what I understand she did not tell them what happened, only that I had made a complain against him, which I wish they hadn't done. But even so all of my coworkers treated me with respect, not really acknowledging what was happening. Which was really nice I have to say. Nobody asking me questions or throwing dirty looks, and no pity parties. I find out a little later though though that a couple other things against him came out during the investigation. Nothing as serious as this situation, but definitely some creepy things being said to other younger female coworkers.

My coworker (40M) gets put on paid leave that day, and our HR rep goes back to the main office with the promise of coming back at the start of next week. The whole rest of the week I'm just a mess. I'm still working through my feeling on the situation. I have to work some shifts alone overnight and I'm terrified he's going to show up. He never does of course, but I carry pepper spray now thanks to an early Christmas gift my my awesome coworker.

In total my coworker in question is on paid leave for 2 weeks. Our HR rep does come back, but only to talk to our GM. She leaves again with the promise to call on Saturday.

Saturday comes and my manager pulls me into her office and lets me know he is about to come in for a meeting and I should go on an extended 10 min break to my car. She texts me when he has left to come back in and come to her office. When I do she places a phone call to our HR rep. We have a mini conference call and they let me know that he has been fired and go over with me the things that I should do in the future should anything ever happen again such as just leave, or make a phone call to a boss. They also ask me if I feel things were handled correctly and ask for my opinion on how these past 2 weeks have been.

After the call it's just my Gm and I, and I ask her what he said happened. She said it doesn't really matter, but that he didn't deny it and was very quiet and apologetic throughout the whole thing, so there's that at least.

That's pretty much everything that happened, now just to let things go back to normal, and to try and process this whole thing. Thanks to everyone that gave me great advice, and even those who didn't. I learned a hard lesson, but you can bet I wont end up in this situation again.

FINAL COMMENTS

ElanaDryer

>I'm proud of you. I'm proud of your bosses and coworkers for handling this so well too.

n1991x

>>Yes! This is how HR department should function. I think being scared is a natural reaction... maybe express this to your HR department when they follow up with you.... they may help or have resources for you.

OOP

>>>Yeah they went over that in our final meeting. Even told me what to do and who the chain of command is in the case of retaliation

Freepurrs

>Did they ever address his claim that the security cameras don’t work/ don’t record? If that was true, I hope mgmt fixed that so you all will be safer, especially since people work alone overnight.

OOP

>>They do in fact work, they even checked them for the time period we were working to match up stories

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/lepetitbrie

Originally posted to r/managers

My direct report is married to my new manager

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

---

Original Post: September 25, 2026

I've worked in my role for just under 5 years. I have stellar evaluations from my previous supervisor, and I know I am performing well beyond my job description. I've supervised the same 2 people the entire time. Both are good performers on the whole. Due to a reorg, (editor's note: reorganization - a major structural change in the company or team) the workload on my direct reports recently increased, and I've been really working with Barbara (fake name) to address her workload concerns; my other staff person has no concerns and actually reports free time. They have the same assignments, so I feel most of the workload concerns are related to work-style. No matter how much I try to take from Barbara, she still wants to do those tasks.

About a month ago, Barbara's husband was named as my new supervisor. Technically, my supervisor is another person, but the husband is directing my daily work. I only go to the third person for HR actions for my team. But questions like, "How does this reassignment of work?" will still go through the husband. I also learned the husband is writing my performance evaluation, and the third person will just "review it for bias."

I know Barbara thinks I'm lazy based on conversations I've overheard. I don't feel like the need to justify my work to my staff; I know what I'm working on. I also know Barbara disagrees with many of my leadership decisions (ex: how much to communicate to stakeholders and when). I just don't see how this is going to end well for me...

How badly do you think I need to get out? Should I prioritize any position that remotely matches my pay? Or wait it out for something I'm actually excited about?

Just edited to add: I've brought up the concern to HR. There is a vague policy about this since it's not a direct supervision of a spouse and was essentially told it's fine because of the third person who is supervising me.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any other relevant comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need to jump at the first job that matches your pay. But you do need to act now, because the structure itself is the problem, not you.

Your report's spouse directing your work and writing your evaluation is a conflict of interest. Most organizations have a policy on relatives in the same reporting line, and this is exactly what it's for. That's worth raising, calmly and without making it about Barbara or her husband personally.

What I'd do, in this order:

1. Read your org's policy on relatives or conflicts of interest so you know what it actually says.

2. Talk to your official supervisor, the third person. Keep it about process: "I want to make sure my evaluation and any decisions about Barbara's work are handled in a way that protects everyone, including her and her husband. Can you write my evaluation, or can we route decisions about my team through you?" If that goes nowhere, take the same question to HR.

3. Start keeping records now. Your past evaluations, what you've delivered, the workload you assigned to each report, and the steps you took on Barbara's concerns. Dates and facts, not feelings. If your evaluation comes back bad, you'll want this.

4. Keep managing Barbara exactly like your other report. Same assignments, same standards, written down. Don't give anyone a real example to point to.

5. Look for jobs quietly while this plays out. It costs nothing, and it means you won't be desperate if things get worse.

How the org responds to step 2 tells you a lot. If they fix the reporting line, you may be fine. If they shrug, that's your answer about whether to wait for a job you're excited about or take the next solid one.

Commenter 2: ethical companies don't let family members work in the downline of other family members. the wife needs to be moved to a different department. raise the issue to your actual manager and HR.

you are in a job threatening position as it stands. cover your bases.

Commenter 3: That's a rough spot. The eval being written by him with someone just "reviewing for bias" is basically no protection at all. I would start looking now, not panic apply to anything, but definitely prioritize getting out over waiting for perfect role. The dynamic with Barbara already having opinions about you and now her husband controlling your review, its just too stacked against you.

Commenter 4: Start looking now. You’ve raised concerns and they’ve ignored you. There is a serious conflict of interest here. Imagine they rehire your position either internally or externally, and say to the candidates “oh by the way, the husband of one of your direct reports will be doing your performance evaluation.” Everyone will bolt. Everyone will know exactly why the position is open.

You don’t need the perfect job—there really isn’t one. But in this market I would not hold out for something exciting. You do want a good fit. How is your network in your industry? Can you reach out to your peers at competitors or related businesses? You’ll be asked why you are moving, especially if it is a lateral role. Come up with something about wanting more experience with [whatever] and they are the best place. This is where your network also helps. It’s poor form to say anything bad about your current employer, but your contacts can convey the situation. Not as dire, but that you consider this a serious conflict of interest and it is not being addressed.

I can tell you from experience some companies need to learn this lesson the hard way.

&nbsp;

Update: October 2, 2026 (one week later)

Update: My direct report is married to my new manager

Brief update to my post from last week. Folks were asking about my company. Very large public employer, so at the very least I'm basically unfireable.

Raised concerns to my on-paper boss, who is also our department HR representative. I even drafted a "avoiding conflict of interest document". The document was mostly accepted except the line: [new manager] will not consider [direct report]'s opinion of OP when writing evaluations." Apparently, we can't dictate to that level?!

I was concerned that this was removed because it's the only protection for me. Raised concern and said I would like to meet with central HR. Was essentially told that's not necessary and to work with my on-paper boss to sort it out.

So, needless to say, I'm applying elsewhere and hoping for the best. There haven't been any conflicts at work, but that doesn't mean there will never be conflicts. The fact that no one is worried about this situation is beyond alarming to me. I want protections in place before there's an issue, but it seems clear no one else wants that for me.

I have a private meeting with central HR next week to discuss concerns in the meantime. Im curious what their reaction to the entire situation will be. The fact that I'm having to draft my own conflict of interest documents is wild IMO, including documenting how I will be evaluated.

Any guidance on what I should do in the mean time is appreciated. I originally planned on having a coaching session with my direct report next week to work on some communication issues, but without the protections for me in place, I feel like it's a risky conversation to have.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Go over your direct boss's head anyway and let his boss or whoever is the director of HR know the how, when, and why of this hiring. Did your boss tell you she had been hired for your team? Did you interview her separately without any indication she was married to your boss? Did she and your boss get married after she was already your direct report?

> OOP: My new boss was named in September. The people who picked them knew about the relationship prior. They thought they would avoid conflict by giving me a different on-paper boss, but I've since been told the husband will still write my performance appraisal. Such a mess.

Commenter 2: Write it or contribute to it? (Like in a 360 review structure.) I find it odd that two people would simultaneously be responsible for writing your review, so I assume on paper boss would ultimately be responsible for writing it but it would include feedback from the person married to your report?

> OOP: How it was explained is that husband-boss will send on-paper boss written feedback. On-paper boss will "review for bias," and then copy and paste the comments into my eval. Because he oversees the majority of my work, he needs to be able to comment on my work.

Commenter 3: If you can’t be fired, what are you worried about? Your boss will probably go out of their way to evaluate your work fairly. But definitely don’t send that document, as it’ll be received as an accusation.

> Commenter 4: It is an accusation - of a glaring conflict of interest and inherent bias. > >> Commenter 3: How does it serve you to make such an accusation? I would think most managers would feel insulted. >> >>> Commenter 4: It is a request for decorum and unbiased work situation made by pointing out an inherent bias, not an active, biased campaign. Nobody is calling collusion. >>>
>>>> OOP: It's also required by policy since two related people are working in the same department. The weird/policy gray area is the reporting structure since they moved my on-paper boss.

Commenter 5: no amount of internal promises will stop a married couple from backing each other up when things get messy.

Commenter 6: A family member or spouse shouldn’t be in a reporting relationship in a large public company and yet it happens. Is there an ethics phone number or hotline for the organization?

Initial conversation should have been had with your mg… not about any specifics, but to understand the policy being followed with this situation that is not new for the couple.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LadyAce1988

My (29F) husband's (29M) new coworker (26F) has a crush on him, he isn't interested in her, but doesn't see anything wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work.

Original Post - rareddit  July 27, 2018

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11, and I 100% trust him. The problem is I'm not a fan of his friendship with his new coworker. She's extremely drawn to him- she eats or attempts to eat lunch with him, often follows him around at work, and asks him questions about his home life (including our marriage and kids), etc. He's an attractive guy, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women, so he's trying to ignore it like he usually does. However, he still purposely spends a lot of time with her at work, he says she's a hard worker and work actually gets done when she's around, so he doesn't want to mess that dynamic up. He's even invited her to lunch outside of work (which he does with all of his friends), and yesterday, he invited her to our house for a small barbecue we're having with friends.

He sees nothing wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work, he's upfront about being married, but I feel like he's sending her mixed signals. She's never touched him, said anything sexual, or been overtly inappropriate, but I saw the way she looked at him the one time I met her, and I feel like shes reading more into their relationship than there actually is. Like while its platonic to him, she obviously has a crush on him. I get that to him, she's just a friend, and I have no problem with him having female friends, but I do have a problem with him borderline leading her on. I've talked to his other female coworkers about it, and they also agree she sees their friendship as more than a friendship, and him inviting her out to lunch alone isn't a good idea.

I know there's nothing inappropriate going on with them on his end, but I'm still kind of annoyed that he isn't listening to me or other coworkers/friends. He feels like I'm overreacting and have nothing to worry about, because we're happily married and he's not interested in her. And I do believe him, he's never given me a reason not to trust him, and he's a genuinely nice guy who befriends everyone.

So I am confused how to handle this. I trust him, so am I wrong to feel annoyed about their friendship? If I'm not, what can I say to him to get him to see how being her friend isn't really fair to her?

TL;DR- My husband is a nice guy and is friends with a coworker who has a crush on him. It's just a platonic relationship to him, but she's reading more into their relationship than there actually is. I think he's accidentally leading her on by going out to lunch with her outside of work, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added in the comments

> Thanks, I probably should have included this in the post, but he is in the Marines. With his coworkers, we're each others houses often, we lived on base with most of them until a few months ago, we go to each others parties and barbecues, our kids are all friends, etc. He's pretty much treating her just like his other coworkers, he regularly goes out to lunch with them too, even female Marines, but none of them are romantically interested in him. A lot of them joke around about how hot he is, but after working with him for a few weeks, they just got used to him and that was it, he was just another Marine to them after that. > > And you're right, I'm concerned. Usually we get along pretty great, if I'm upset, he listens. He is being disrespectful, and if he doesn't listen I'll definitely make an appointment with a counselor. Nothing too terrible has happened yet, and we have 3 soon to be 4 kids, I want them to know their parents have a happy, loving, and respectful marriage. And I just bought that book on kindle, thanks.

Update  Aug 1, 2018 (5 days later)

I tried talking to him about the relationship with Maria soon after I posted that. I told him I'm extremely uncomfortable with him getting closer to her, and he said I don't need to worry, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women so he's ignoring it. So I said that wasn't good enough for me. He was quiet for a second but handed me his phone and said I could look through all 4 months of texts, and they were all work related except for 2 about lunch, which I knew about.

A couple days ago, he got off of work early because I'm pregnant, and he wanted to come to my prenatal visit. He walked in the house, and as soon as he saw me, he started telling me what happened at work that day.

He hadn't told everyone at work I was pregnant yet, so I left it up to him to decide when to tell everyone else. He announced to everyone in the hangar (he's in the Marines and does aircraft maintenance) that we were expecting our 4th child, so that's why he was going to be getting off early to go to a prenatal visit. Everyone congratulated him or made jokes- except for Maria. She was excited to see him and was talking his ear off while they were fixing something, but as soon as she heard we were expecting, she got angry, got an attitude when he asked her to grab a part for him, and spent the rest of the day avoiding him. Their other coworkers noticed this too.

He said he was honestly confused at first, and he thought "Why is she mad? It's not like we're together, I'm married and she knows this." But then it hit him that this wasn't just a friendship to her, and that even though he didn't intend to, he had crossed a line. He kept going back over the past 4 months in his head, wondering what he said and did to let this happen, because he felt like he had treated her like his other friends. And said he knew there were things he shouldn't talk about with her- he never talked about our marital problems-, because he knew confiding in someone like that could lead to problems, and he never touched her, not even a handshake or hug, because he didn't want to lead her on.

Then I showed him the comments on my post. We discussed boundaries and comment about how relationships are based on the intent of both parties- that a friendship is when two people agree to be platonic, but with Maria, he may think they're friend's, but obviously Maria wants more. So if only one person thinks its a friendship, then it's NOT a friendship. He agreed with that, said it made sense, and he's sorry he didn't think of that on his own. He also said he sees how it could appear to be the beginnings of an emotional affair, but promised it wasn't one, he was just an idiot who thought it was possible to be friends with someone who wanted a romantic relationship if he just ignored that part.

I told him I just felt extremely disrespected, especially since he had invited her to our house for a barbecue we are having, and our children and friends/coworkers will be there. He just kept apologizing, and said at the time he didn't fully understand why I was upset because she was just a friend to him, but now he gets it, and she's not invited anymore.

Then he said should have known a friendship can't work if only one person thinks they're friends, apologized for not listening to me and for naively thinking he had everything under control, promised it wouldn't happened again, and said he loved me. We had to leave for my appointment then, but decided in the car that sometime in the next month, we're taking a kid free trip somewhere.

He texted Maria that night that he wanted to keep their relationship professional, which she didn't take so well, so work for him has been interesting for the past couple days, but he said as long as our marriage is strong and I'm happy, he's okay with that. He's planned a date night for this weekend, and his mom's flying in from Norway this month to watch our 3 girls while we go to Las Vegas. So everything is good now. :)

tl/dr: My husband thought having a platonic relationship with a coworker who wanted a romantic relationship was okay. He announced I was pregnant at work, she got angry, and he realized she was so upset because it wasn't just a friendship to her. We discussed why I was so upset and felt disrespected about their friendship, and he said he gets it now, apologized to me, and now we're better and taking a kid free trip to Las Vegas later this month.

FINAL COMMENTS

methylenebluestains

>If Maria continues to throw a fit, ask him to speak to his GySgt and let them know what has been going on. I have no idea if she's the vindictive type, but it's not worth risking his career to find out. They may be able to shift her to a different shop or place him in an admin job (not great for promotions, but it'll mean more free time to help you with the arriving baby)

OOP

>>He talked to him today. He's keeping an eye on it, and a few of the guys he works with are too, so if anything happens, it'll be dealt with immediately.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Worldly_Pen6712

AITAH for getting with my ex-fiancé's brother after breaking off the engagement?

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, physical assault!<

Original Post  Sept 21, 2026

Okay, so I (27F) am currently dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan (30M), and some people in my life think I'm an asshole for it. I honestly don't know what to think anymore, so I figured I'd ask here. This is going to be long because there's a LOT of context, so bear with me.

Three years ago, I was engaged to Jake (29M). We'd been together for about four years, and honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. Obviously, we had our disagreements like any couple, but I loved him and genuinely thought we were going to get married. We'd already started talking seriously about the wedding, where we'd live, all that stuff. I really thought that was going to be my life.

I actually met Jake through his older brother, Ethan (30M), who I'd known for a while before Jake and I started dating. Ethan and I were friends first, and we'd always gotten along really well. We'd hang out occasionally, talk, and generally just had a good relationship. There was never anything romantic between us. He was my friend first, then my boyfriend's brother, and that was pretty much it.

Anyway, three years ago, Jake and I were invited to a destination wedding in Italy. It was for a mutual friend, and quite a few people we knew were going. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because of some complications with my job. I tried to work something out, but it just wasn't possible. Ethan couldn't go either because of work, but his fiancée, Holly (28F), was attending.

Now, Holly had always been a little too touchy with Jake for my liking. She'd hang off his arm, hug him for ages, lean against him when there was absolutely no reason to, stuff like that. I don't want to make it sound like I thought every interaction between them was suspicious, but it was enough that I'd mentioned it to Jake more than once. He always said she was just affectionate and that they'd known each other forever. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made everything into a problem, so eventually I stopped bringing it up.

When I found out Jake and Holly would be travelling to Italy together, I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. I told him that, and after a few conversations he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. They were originally booked into separate rooms, so I eventually decided to trust him and let it go.

Except then I got a call from the bride.

She told me that Jake had apparently been insisting that he and Holly stay in the same room because Holly wasn't comfortable staying with someone else and, since Jake was her fiancé's brother, she supposedly felt safer with him. The bride seemed to think this was completely reasonable and was mostly calling because she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprised by the room arrangements.

I was definitely surprised.

I called Jake and asked him about it, and he told me Holly was nervous about travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar and that there was nothing weird about it. He said I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't actually a big deal. I reminded him that I was already uncomfortable with them travelling together, and now they were apparently sharing a room too.

He reassured me again and again that nothing was going to happen. He said they were family, that Holly was engaged to his brother, and that I had no reason to worry. I eventually decided that if I couldn't trust my own fiancé, then there wasn't much point in getting married. So I told him okay.

Well, a week after the wedding, someone sent me a photo of Jake and Holly kissing.

I genuinely just stared at my phone for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I messaged Jake immediately, and after a lot of back and forth, he admitted that they'd kissed at the wedding. Apparently they'd both been drinking, things got out of hand, and they ended up sleeping together.

He also admitted that they'd come back later than they were originally supposed to, which obviously hadn't helped my feelings about the whole thing.

He kept saying it was a drunken mistake and that it didn't mean anything, but at that point I didn't really care what he called it. I'd specifically told him I was uncomfortable, he'd reassured me over and over, and then he'd gone and slept with her anyway.

I ended the engagement. I couldn't see myself marrying someone after that.

Ethan found out around the same time, and he ended things with Holly too. I don't know every detail of what happened between them, and honestly I don't want to. I know he was devastated. They'd been together for years and were supposed to get married too.

The next few months were pretty awful for both of us. I was dealing with the breakup, the wedding plans that now weren't happening, having to explain to people why the engagement was over, and just generally trying to get my life back together. Ethan was dealing with his own breakup, and we were both in this weird position where the people we'd planned our futures with had betrayed both of us in basically the same situation.

Since we'd already known each other for years, we naturally started leaning on each other. We'd talk, get coffee, go out, watch movies, complain about our exes, whatever. Sometimes we'd talk about what happened and sometimes we'd deliberately talk about anything except Jake and Holly. It was actually nice having someone who didn't need me to explain why I was upset because he already understood.

And eventually, we got closer.

I don't know exactly when it happened. There wasn't some dramatic moment where we suddenly realised we were in love or anything. I just started noticing that I looked forward to seeing Ethan. We were talking more, spending more time together, and eventually I realised my feelings weren't exactly platonic anymore.

I tried to ignore it for a while because obviously dating your ex's brother is not exactly the easiest situation in the world. Ethan apparently felt the same way, though, and eventually we talked about it.

We were both really careful about it. We talked about whether this was just because we'd both gone through the same horrible experience, whether we were just lonely, whether we were using each other as a rebound, and what would happen to the family if we actually started dating. Neither of us wanted to get together just because we were angry at Jake and Holly.

Eventually we decided to give it a chance.

We've been together for a while now, and honestly, I'm really happy. I know that probably sounds ridiculous considering the circumstances, but I genuinely care about Ethan. He was my friend before any of this happened, and our relationship didn't start immediately after the breakups. We took our time.

The problem is that some people think I'm still in the wrong for it.

A few of my friends have basically told me that no matter what Jake did, I shouldn't have gotten involved with his brother. One of them said that I should have just walked away from the entire family instead of getting together with Ethan. Another said that it was disrespectful because Jake and Ethan are brothers and that I should have known there would be consequences.

I understand why people think it's messy. I really do. I'm not pretending this is a completely normal relationship situation. But at the same time, I don't really understand why I'm supposed to give up a relationship I genuinely care about because my ex cheated on me.

Ethan's parents are actually fine with us being together. They've been supportive, and they're both very disappointed in Jake and Holly. They don't blame me or Ethan for what happened, but they've also told us that they don't want the situation to completely tear the family apart. Which I understand. They're still Jake's parents, and I don't expect them to just stop loving him because he cheated.

Some of my cousins have also expressed concern about the relationship, mostly because they think family gatherings are going to become awkward and that eventually someone is going to have to choose sides. Honestly, I don't really think that's their business. I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides. I just happen to be in a relationship with someone I care about.

Jake, obviously, isn't happy about any of this. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by dating Ethan and apparently feels like his own brother betrayed him. I don't really know what he expected me to do. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for him, but I don't think he gets to decide who either of us can have a relationship with after what happened.

Anyway, there's a family get-together tomorrow, and both Jake and Holly are going to be there.

And honestly, I have NO idea how that's going to go.

I haven't properly seen either of them in a while, and I have no idea whether they're going to ignore us, confront us, make comments, or just pretend everything is normal. Ethan says he'll be there with me and that we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but I'm still pretty nervous about it.

Part of me wants to just go, be polite, and get through the day. Another part of me is already imagining the most painfully awkward family dinner in human history.

So yeah. That's basically the situation. Some of my friends think I'm an asshole for dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan's parents are okay with it but don't want the family falling apart, and some of my cousins think we're making things unnecessarily complicated.

I honestly don't know anymore.

So, AITAH?

EDIT : To clarify, since I can't respond to so many people, yes Jake and Holly got together. I might have also forgotten to, um mention one detail. I apologize, but here it is. Jake and Holly DID NOT share the same room for the wedding, after I called to enquire about it. They did not show any signs of being near each other, however on the last day, they got drunk and spent the night. Even if it was a drunken mistake, I didn't think I could stay with someone who cheated so I left. I also couldn't reply  to many people yesterday since I had a long shift and was honestly really tired, so I just fell asleep.

If anything happens today I'll be updating.

Update  Sept 28, 2026

A lot of people asked for an update so here it is. But before we dive into more drama, Im going to clear up a few things.

Ethan and I did NOT start dating right after Jake and I broke off our engagements. We knew each other before any of this happened, but we were friends for about two years after the breakups before we actually got together. We spent a lot of that time supporting each other, and eventually things changed between us. So no, it wasn't immediately “we both got cheated on, let's date each other.” I understand why people thought it might have been trauma bonding, and honestly, we wondered that ourselves, which is why we waited.

Also, Ethan's parents were okay with us being together. They weren't exactly thrilled about the whole situation, obviously, but they supported us. They also didn't want their family to completely fall apart, so they kept some limited communication with Jake and Holly. Jake and Holly absolutely got criticised for what they did. But Ethan and I got plenty of criticism too, mostly from people who thought that just because Jake and Holly cheated didn't mean we should get together out of spite or make things even messier. I actually understand that perspective more than I probably did when I first made the post.

Anyway. The family dinner happened. And yeah. It went badly.

And uh... yeah. Holly tried to pull my fucking hair.

So this is how it went: 

I was talking to someone in the hallway when she came up to me and started going off. She was saying I had ruined the family, that I was a stain of dirt on them, and that I needed to walk away from Ethan and stay away from all of them.

I told her I wasn't doing this with her and tried to walk away.

She followed me.

I turned around and told her again to leave me alone, and that's when she grabbed my hair. Like actually grabbed it and yanked me backwards. I shoved her hand away and she started yelling that I needed to get out of their family and that I had no right to be there.

And then Ethan, Jake, and their parents walked in. 

Perfect timing, right? lol ok but back to the topic at hand: 

Ethan immediately came over and got between us. His parents were yelling at Holly, asking what the hell she was doing, and Jake just stood there for a second looking completely shocked.

Then Jake went, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Holly started trying to explain herself and saying that I had been provoking her and that I was ruining everything, but Jake cut her off. He told her that whatever problems they had with me, she had no excuse to put her hands on me.

And I swear, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jake actually look disgusted by something she'd done.

Everything just kind of exploded after that. Everyone was talking over everyone, Holly was still screaming, Ethan was telling her to stay away from me, and his parents were basically trying to get everyone to calm down.

Jake eventually told Holly that they were done. And then he basically admitted that he'd been a huge jerk. Like, actually admitted it. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before.

I'm not suddenly best friends with Jake or anything, and I'm definitely not forgiving everything that happened because he finally did one decent thing. But I wasn't expecting him to be the one to step in, so... yeah. However, I appreciate that he owned up, even though it was 3 years later, let's just say I don't forget easily.

After that, I didn't stay for dinner. I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit back down at the table and pass the potatoes around like nothing had just happened, because, to be fair who would actually do that?

Ethan came with me, obviously. His parents stayed behind for a bit because there was still a lot to sort out, and I think they wanted to make sure Holly actually left.

I didn't really hear much from Jake that night. Apparently he and Holly had a massive argument after we left, and that's when he officially ended things with her. I don't know what was said between them and I'm not particularly interested in finding out.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My phone also decided that this was the perfect time to completely die, because apparently I hadn't suffered enough. So that's why there was no update after the dinner. I finally got it fixed, hence me being back here now.

I also filed for a restraining order against Holly. I'm not going to go into all the details of that because it's still being dealt with, but I felt like I needed to do something after what happened.

Ethan and I have also started therapy. Together and separately. And honestly, that has probably been one of the better decisions we've made through all of this. We had a really long conversation about us too. Like, properly talked about everything we'd been avoiding. Whether we were actually happy together, whether some of it was trauma bonding, whether we'd become too dependent on each other because we were the only two people who really understood what the other had gone through, all of it.

And we both came to the same conclusion.

We're going to let the relationship rest.

That doesn't mean Ethan is out of my life. I don't think I could just throw away a friendship that existed long before Jake and Holly. He's still one of my closest friends, and I still care about him a lot. We're just not going to keep trying to make the romantic side of things work while we're both still dealing with all of this.

I think I finally realised that I've been spending way too much time thinking about what everyone else thinks I should do. Jake thinks I shouldn't be with Ethan. Some of my friends thought I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. Other people thought we should stay together because Jake and Holly were the ones who caused all of this.

But it's my life.

And honestly, I think some of you were right when you said I needed to get away from this whole family situation instead of constantly trying to figure out where I fit into it.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a break from relationships for a while. Like, a proper break. I'm not going to start looking for someone else or worrying about whether I should date Ethan again someday. I'm just going to live my life for a bit.

I've got my friends, my work, therapy, and my cats, who are very happy that I have nowhere else to be because they've been glued to me since I got home. Maybe years from now I'll look back and still have feelings for Ethan. Maybe he will too. Maybe neither of us will. If that happens, we'll figure it out then.

But that's future me's problem.

Right now I just want to be me for a while without my entire life revolving around Jake, Holly, Ethan, or whoever thinks I'm making the wrong decision. So yeah. That's where things stand.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the original post, even the people who called me an asshole. Some of you were definitely harsh, but there were also things I needed to hear. I'm going to take a break from Reddit after this because  posting your family drama online to hundreds of strangers is not the healthiest hobby.

Thank you Reddit.

FINAL COMMENTS

HoleInWon929

> Sounds like a good decision to stop talking to the entire family. > > Yes he helped you get through an awful betrayal but it sounds like a trauma bond. > > Surely there are other people in the world to date.

OOP

>>I took everyone's advice, and I'm happy to say that I will be focusing on myself. It was messy, and even though we will remain friends, I'll be steering away from anything romantic. If any lingering feelings remain, it'll be future me's problem. Right now, Im going to travel, spend time with friends and be myself. No more drama.

allergymom74

>I would recommend taking time away from the friendship too. Yes. You went through therapy, etc to come to this conclusion. AND it is still an adjustment to go back to being just friends after years of complications. Time and space gives you time to truly move on.

OOP

>>I've taken that into consideration. I'm taking a 1 month break for my job to travel a bit. Ethan and I will remain friends, but for now we've agreed to stay distant for a while to focus on our lives instead.

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