r/BestofRedditorUpdates

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/brinz89.

^(My family disowned me 15 years ago. Complete no contact. Now all at once they want back in my life and are stalking me. I finally confronted them.)

Original Post: April 17, 2025

Disclaimer. Part of this is from a post on AITA that was removed. Then added to the events of today.

I don't know if this goes here. I just needed to get it out. I confronted them today and I can't stop crying or shaking. I don't know why. I don't know whats wrong with me right now. I'm finally calming down a little to get this done.

So I 36 male got into some trouble fifteen years ago.  I take all the responsibility for this and even to this day I carry all the shame, guilt and embarrassment for it. Also. This might come up. This is not cultural or religion. It's just shame to the family name.

The situation when I was 19 my ID was stolen and being used in another state and created a situation where my driver’s license was suspended nationwide.  Somehow any and all notifications from the other state never made it to me.  I started doing all the necessary things I needed to do to try and fix the problem. I however had a couple of tickets in my current state that I needed to pay but couldn’t because I needed to pay my rent and keep my apartment. Also at the time my full time job was having problems and was borderline shutting down, so to try and make ends meet I was doing a lot of freelance work as well. Again my fault. I knew the company was in trouble but I was still holding out hope that things would get better. I was hoping that a couple more freelance jobs and I would be able to finally pay the tickets.  This was never the case and the long story short of it I was arrested and spend two weeks in jail. Not ideal but I guess in the long run it worked out for the best by clearing the tickets in my home state. However my family felt other wise and I was completely disowned because of this.  I lost everything and everyone. The only reason I still had my apartment was because I had enough to cover the rent and the freelance work kept up.  It took another six months, but I was finally able to get the other state to release my driver’s license.  I decided that since my family hated me I didn’t need them, so a year later  I changed my last name, phone number and email.  My social media is locked down so tight you would think I was hiding national security secrets. I was able to finish college and get settled into my career and at this point I’m happier than I have ever been.

Enter current time and two weeks ago there was a knock on my door and it was my mom and dad.  Again it had been15 years and I hadn’t spoken to them not one word.  The only thing I could get out of my mouth was. “How did you find me and what are you doing here?”

My mom’s response was “Five Grand to a PI. Finally a search of Facebook with just your first name found you and the PI confirmed it was you.”

I responded.  “You didn’t answer my second question. What are you doing here?”

My mom again. “It’s been 15 years.  Looking at where you are it seems you have learned your lesson and you are succeeding.  You’ve missed out on a lot of things.”

I ended with.  “Yes I have learned my lesson.  One of them is don’t think anyone will ever help you or be understanding.  Even your family.  And yes.  I did succeed.  And I did it entirely without you.  Please leave and don’t ever come back.” shut the door in their face, locked it, checked the back door and closed all the curtains. I'm guessing they hung around for another fifteen minutes knocking demanding to be let in. I went back to bed, turned the fan on high and went back to sleep.

I did so some research.  And I have missed out on a lot.  I have nieces and nephews, brothers and sisters in laws.  But the truth is.  I don’t know any of them and I don’t think I need to.  I live a very quiet life.  I can count on two hand how many friends I actually have. A friend said I may have taken it too far.  That I should have given them a chance and if I didn’t like what they had to say then I could have told them to go away. 

I was hoping that this was going to be the end of it. But not they have taken to stalking me. I'll be completely honest... They are harmless, but just a real pain in the ass and also I have been fucking with them and having some fun with the help of a friend. He now calls them flees and will check on me asking if I have fleas or not. It's kinda funny. If I say yes then it's game on. The first night he came over and we walked down town to a really expensive restaurant that I knew they were never going to go to. Another night we went to the porn store. That was the best one.

This past week the way my days off fell I had a five day stretch so I decided to go to the city for a few days. I'm walking distance to the Amtrak station and they followed me. I kept my air pods in the whole time and I know they were trying to talk to me, but I ignored the the entire time. People on the platform even were telling me that they were talking to me and I said that I know but I don't want to deal with them. The train came and I got on and left them to watch. I LOVED IT!!!!!

It got to the point I finally had to acknowledge them. They weren't going to go away so we met at the park across from my apartment. I didn't hold anything back. I told them this was the one and only time I was going to talk to them. I took a page from the Matlock series and told them I was their judge. I was their jury. (Thank you Olympia Lawrence) I then told them that as far as I was concerned they were guilty of anything and everything and all I was doing was hearing what they had to say before I walked away from them. I asked them that why now after fifteen years they are demanding to be back in my life and why they made the decisions they did to disown me. They told me that I ruined the family name and that the shame I bought to the family was horrible and that this was the only way to make it right was to get rid of me. They said that recently my name has been coming up in conversation and that the "family" has grown with a lot of new people. That brother and sister in law are asking questions about who is Brinley. That I have a niece who they think I would love and get along with and the same for a nephew who was born last year and now should be the time to fix things. They said that looking at my apartment and the life I had that I must have learned my lesson about being a better person and managing my life better.

I finally cut them off and told them that I couldn't stand to hear anymore. I was at the point I could hear my heart beating in my ears. I told them that I did everything completely by myself. Nobody from that life exists anymore. Not one person. That they just need to tell everyone the truth that I was in jail for two weeks and because of this the decision was made to get rid of me. I told them that I did it all on my own and that my one cousin Jean who is only a cousin by marriage was the one who was there for me hence why I took her last name. I told them that to this day I'm doing everything on my own and rely on nobody and don't need or want them in any way of my life. They made their decisions and I'm making mine. I told them this will be the last time we talk and that I would be going to see a lawyer to see if there was anything that could be done to keep them away from me and that if they continue to follow me around or show up at my apartment I would have them arrested for trespassing. And I went back home and again locked everything down, pulled the curtains and have been crying since.

Update: April 23, 2025

Many of you have been asking for an update. First and foremost. Thank you all for your responses. I was overwhelmed. I read every single one. I just couldn't keep up to respond to them. I also worked some extra shifts and had some really nice over time which right now comes in handy. Please just know I was not ignoring you. I just couldn't keep up.

This isn't the update that many of you were most likely hoping for. I haven not heard from my family since I confronted them. I'm hoping that it's all done and over but at the same time I'm thinking they are trying something else. I wanted to address some other things. Many are saying they are out for money or body parts. That they see I'm successful and such. I can't see this being the case. I truly don't think it's money. If they were able to drop $5,000.00 for a PI then I can't see them hurting financially. My dad worked as a ORD for his entire career and made good money. My mom worked for a global corporation as a historical document manager. I didn't ask but I'm thinking that they might even still be working. Others said maybe they need body parts. I can't see this being the case either because all of these would have been mentioned the first or the last time we talked.

People have mentioned they see me successful and want in on it and take the credit saying that they are responsible for that in how they treated me. I'm successful in my own way. My education is in Healthcare Management and I work as a Unit Secretary. I have been here for a while and I truly love my job. I'm at the top of my pay scale and thats okay. I have made a life for myself. Yes I do have some money stashed away. I live below my means to do what I have done. I'm single no kids so it has allowed me to save money.

And now on with the update. (This is a long update because it's part of a conversation I had with my cousin.)

I have not heard from any of them since the last meet where I confronted them. I'm hoping that they are just gone at this point. I truly don't want anything to do with ANY of them. I don't care that I have nieces or nephews or that I have new brother and sister in laws. I would have to know my sister and brother and my parents to know all these new people. And frankly all of them are strangers. And it just brings up a lot of bad emotions. My cousin Jean is the only person who I have anything to do with and she has been my rock. I can't begin to thank her enough for all she has done. She has been on vacation for a few weeks so she doesn't know much of what happen. She got back and came over the other night. She showed up with wine, pizza and cheesecake. God I love that women. I opened the door and was greeted with "The wise women has arrived and has brought the makings of a great evening." I started crying to her response. "However it looks like I should have arrived a few days ago."

She set everything on the counter and just hugged me to get me calmed down. Finally as she opened the wine and fixed up dinner I told her everything. At the end she got a vindictive smile on her face and was like "We need it to talk. It's time for some family secrets to be told.

First she started with telling me that regardless of what others had said what happen wasn't my fault. I was stuck in the perfect storm which just blew up. She told me she saw my folder that had all of the work I had done to fix the problem. But it just didn't go fast enough. She reminded me that I didn't kill anyone, I didn't deal drugs or anything like that. I was stuck in a situation that didn't get fixed fast enough.

She went on to tell me that it was no surprise that when I did the name change that I chose the one I did. Come to find out it was the last name I was born under which was my Grandmothers (my mothers mother) last maiden name. Jean "Don't let your parents fool you. They are not the pure pillars of community that they want you to believe." I have always known that their relationship was not the best. But when I was born they were split up and my mom was trying to hide me from my dad. My Grandparents didn't like him so it was decided to give me my grandmothers family name.

She was getting more and more pissed off as she spoke. "So lets talk about names since they are so hell bent of how you shamed the family name. Your mother was the one who was born under the influential names. Her mothers family the name you took was pretty much owned two of the local towns in our county. Your grandfathers name owned owned a few businesses in a different town. Your fathers family was never heard of. They were from a different state and moved here for work purposes. Your dad has been riding off of your mothers name and connections. Even to this day your dads family is pretty much a bunch of unknowns. On top of that. Even if your Grandparents were alive they would have been completely behind you and wouldn't have bought into that whole bull shit of shaming the family name." The only time I ever saw her in a mood like this was when I was in college and when she introduced herself to the class she looked square at me and made it clear that she had no favorites.

All of this has really made me look at my parents in a different way. And none of it's positive. It just reaffirms what I want even more which is for them to just go away and never come back.

To the small few of you saying this is fake, fan fiction and what not. Go for it. Apparently all of you live in perfect worlds with perfect families and you most likely say the same thing to every post you read. I couldn't give two shits, a flying fuck or a rats ass what you think. I just need to get this out.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/moneyfight

My [26F] boyfriend [28M] of 4 years is independently wealthy, but wants to split all of our expenses evenly.

TRIGGER WARNING: >!exploitation, classism!<

Original Post July 5, 2016

My boyfriend and I first met 5 years ago while we were both in school. He comes from a fairly wealthy family who paid for his entire education, both undergrad and graduate school, and have basically funded his entire life. Up until 3 years ago, I didn't know any of this. I, on the other hand, come from a solidly middle class family and have been supporting myself fully since I graduated. Before that my parents helped me out, but I also worked to put myself through college.

When we first started dating, my boyfriend and I more or less split everything evenly. Barring a few circumstances, we always bought our own dinner, movie tickets, chipped in for gas on road trips, etc. He never once mentioned his or his family's money.

After a year of dating, I met his parents and figured it all out. At the time I was a bit miffed that our date nights were still eating frozen pizza on the couch of my crappy apartment, but I loved him, not his money, so I went with it. I also justified it by it being his money and he can do what he wants with it, and also, at the time I figured his parents were just his meal ticket until he was out of school and then he would be more independent.

We live together now. I've learned that is not the case. While he does work, his parents have no intention of ever cutting him off, and he has enough inheritance/whatever money to keep him afloat even if they did. I work, too, but make significantly less than him. And I definitely don't have a rich grandparent somewhere leaving me half the world.

This leads us to our problem. My boyfriend has always lived a fairly modest life. He buys nice clothes and nice things for himself, but that's about it. We live in an apartment that we can afford to split 50/50. We have furniture that we can afford to split 50/50. All of this is not a problem, I guess. I do think relationships should be equal.

But then there's the other stuff. His sister got married the end of May in Maine, about a 6 hour flight from where we live. Obviously he expected me to go, but I was responsible for all of my ticket and half the hotel/food/car rental. This was a serious strain on my finances. When we moved in together, he brought along his dog. Now, I love this animal and love having him in our apartment. But my boyfriend now considers it "our" dog now and expects me to pay for half his food and other expenses. If he didn't already have this dog, I would've held off on getting a dog of our own for another year or two, until I was a little more stable financially. And then there's things like groceries. My boyfriend will often complain about how we can't afford nicer groceries from Whole Foods or other specialty stores, because I'm paying half and my half just won't cover it. I've mentioned that he can pay for what he wants, but he just says that we need to split it and he knows I can't afford it. Which at least isn't hypocritical, I guess.

He has also mentioned recently wanting to move to a nicer apartment in a nicer part of town. He has even toured a few places and leaves print outs on top of my lunch for work. While I could technically afford it, using that high of a percentage of my income for rent makes my head hurt. It goes against every fiber of my being. I've told him if he was willing to split it a bit more like 60/40 instead of 50/50 I would be willing, but he refuses.

I understand where he is coming from. I don't want to be a gold digging girlfriend that asks for thousands to be spent on her. But it kind of annoys me that we're living a poor, recent graduate lifestyle when we could be living so much more nicely with no real added expense to him. Is this unreasonable? It also worries me for the future. I want to marry and have a family with this guy. Is he going to deny our kids a private school education because I can't afford half, when he could pay it five times over? Are we going to take them to lesser doctors because I can't afford half the insurance, when he could pay the entire visit out of pocket?

I'm not saying we need to live lavishly, I just wish everything didn't have to be 50/50 when we're not financially equal. I just don't know if I'm being unreasonable. He seems to think that the wealth of a family should match the lowest common denominator.

TL;DR: Wealthy boyfriend makes more than enough for us to live a nicer lifestyle, but chooses to split everything 50/50, leading us to live a life below what I believe our means allow.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

ginjjer

>To be honest, those actions make me think that he doesn't see this as his entire future. I get it. I wouldn't want to be seen as a gold digger, either. But wage disparity exists in lots of relationships, and sometimes one party is going to carry more of the financial weight. That's life and love. Also. I think the wedding thing really bothered me. I mean, if you want me to travel with you, why wouldn't you offer to help with the expense? Otherwise, I'll be at home and see you when you get back. I just can't imagine straining myself financially for someone who clearly is THAT concerned about money and how much they have and keeping it all to themselves. :(

OOP

>> Normally I would be inclined to agree with you, but he does want to get married. If things went his way we would be married by the end of this year. For my own reasons I never wanted to get married before 30, but I've been willing to compromise for him because I really do love him. We will probably be married within the next two years. >> >> The wedding thing did bug me, but I also kind of understand it. His sister and I get along very well and I consider her a good friend. I wouldn't want to miss out on her wedding. It's not like I was just his plus one at a random wedding. But I do wish he had helped me out a little, especially since paying for my ticket or even just paying for all of the rental car would've helped me out a lot and not even made a dent in his pocket.

volupe_hermoine

>>>What's he going to do when you're married? Still insist you pay for half of everything? Or will you merge finances?

OOP

>>>> He wants to merge finances. We have a pretty strict budget right now, and it gets split 50/50 from our own money. When we get married he says that we will have a joint account that goes towards what we split now. Little, personal expenses (like haircuts, trips out with friends, etc) would be paid for from our own separate accounts. >>>> >>>> I just don't really see that happening given how strict he is now. If he wants to do something and I can't afford it, we don't do it. Which I get. I think that's reasonable. But I also think we've been together for four years...I'm not his pal bumming money for a cigarette. I'm his live-in girlfriend, and most of what I buy he benefits from, too, anyway.

[deleted]

> That sounds like he'll have an endless supply of fun money and you'll have nothing. > > Marital expenses should be proportional in most cases. If you're living together, I think that would apply as well.

OOP

>> Our situation isn't quite as dire as that. I think a lot of this post made it sound like I'm dirt poor, when that isn't the case. But I've only been working for four years. We live in a rather expensive city. I do well for my age, but I'm definitely still very conscious of my spending habits, and I'm trying to build up my savings before I get to the age where I'm wanting to buy a house or start a family. I'm 26...I don't know too many 26 year olds who can afford fancy wine from fancy stores or fly across country and stay in nice hotels on short notice. At least not if they're smart about their money. >> >> I do agree they expenses should be proportional. I just don't know how to get him to see that.

~

Marzy-d

>How does he justify making you pay for his dog? Do you get half ownership of the dog? Visitation when you guys break up? Not cool.

OOP

>> When he moved in I kind of "assumed" equal ownership of the dog. We care for it equally, it's not like he's taking sole care of it. Whoever is up first feeds him, whoever is home first walks him, etc. So it kind of makes sense that we would both pay, but at the same time I agree with you. While I don't see us breaking up, it could happen, and the dog would definitely go with him. And there I am having spent thousands of dollars of the course of a few years for an animal I don't even have. >> >> We have a set budget, that gets split 50/50 for household things. The dog just got lumped in there.

Marzy-d

>>>Well, unlump it. He needs to pay for his own dog. He is either incredibly naive about money, or he feels it is OK to take advantage of you. I would suggest that he probably eats more than half of the food he makes you pay half for as well. It fine to make sure that both people pull their weight financially. But he is causing you to spend extra money for him, even though he has far more money than you. Have you asked him why he thinks its ok to be selfish like this?

OOP

>>>> I don't really think of it as him being selfish, I guess. I was raised in a household where money was completely pooled, so I guess I'm just having a hard time adjusting. >>>> >>>> And I realize that we're not married. But we have been in a relationship for over 4 years and live together. I wouldn't ask him to spend a dime more if we were still just casually dating or living apart, or even if we lived together but had only been dating for a year or so. >>>> >>>> He is actually pretty smart about money, which I like about him. But it's not like he's totally frugal. He just bought himself a really nice watch "just because." Hell, even the gifts he buys me are always around the price point of what I could afford half of, even though I don't pay. And I feel absolutely awful for even mentioning that, because I truly do appreciate everything he has ever gotten me. But it's also kind of hurtful to seem him buy his sisters and family these really nice, luxury items, and then I get the same sub-$100 gifts he gets his friends. They're always thoughtful, which I appreciate, but at the same time...come on. >>>> >>>> I do agree that I need to stop paying for the dog. I just also have a sort of hard time actually saying that, because I do enjoy and benefit from the dog just as much as he does. I do love dogs and grew up with them, I'd want one again one day. I just didn't want one right now.

~

RaspberryBliss

>Tell him if he doesn't want to pay the difference between what you can afford and what he wants to have, then he needs to quit complaining about what you can afford. That's not a fair or nice thing to do to your partner.

OOP

>>He should be home from work within the next hour and I will be discussing everything with him then. I'm going to propose that we rework out original budget so that the percentage of income is even, rather than just split the cost of everything equally.

OOP added this as a response to a comment

> He's 100% an "our money" person, and has said he wants to have a joint account to cover major expenses from after marriage. Small personal expenses would be covered independently, but even that would be out of ease (not having to check with the other spouse before getting a $50 haircut or buying a new pair of shoes, for example.) Otherwise what's his is mine and vice versa. > > I guess I just think it's a little unreasonable to wait two years to get married to start doing that at all. I'm not saying we should pool our finances right now, but if he wants fancy meat from a specialty butcher for dinner one night, why doesn't he buy it? Yeah, I'll eat half of it, but we're both benefiting from it. If he wants to live in a nicer place, I don't think it's unreasonable that he picks up the difference. If I'm working late, I don't think it's crazy to ask him to go pick up shampoo/toothpaste/whatever and not ask me to pay him the $4 back. I would be happy to do the same for him.

Update July 6, 2016 (Next Day)

Original post here

A couple people had asked for an update after I talked to my boyfriend today, so here goes:

It's been a long afternoon. He got home early this afternoon (he had a dentist appointment and just came home after) and I had my "presentation" ready for him. He listened to everything I had to say about not thinking things were fair, how his wants were starting to cause a financial strain on me, how I wished we could work out some sort of new system.

The conversation didn't last long. I laid it all out, he listened without saying a word. As soon as I was done he said he would not budge on the 50/50 split, that that is the way it will be until after we're married and it is not something he was willing to compromise on. I told him that if that was the case I did not know if I would be able to continue the relationship. He said that if that was the way I felt then that was the way it was going to be, because he wasn't budging. He did say we could get married very soon if it was that big of a deal to me, but at that point I was pretty much over it. I'm not going to marry someone before I'm ready just for financial security.

So he left to take his dog for a walk, I packed up some of my things, and had a coworker with a truck come and help me load some stuff up. When I was ready to go my (ex)boyfriend handed me a check. Apparently during all of this he had figured out how much he "owed" me. Our apartment lease is up at the end of August, and we had prepaid. He had written out the check for my half, as well as what he estimated was left of the groceries that I would not be consuming and what he figured I had spent on dog expenses over the course of our relationship. Yeah. So I guess he was fair to the very end. I've told him I'll be back on Friday to get the rest of my things. For now I'm staying with a good friend who has an extra bedroom, and I'm hoping I can find a new apartment soon.

So things definitely didn't go the way I planned. I'm not happy about it, but I guess I'm glad I figured out now instead of a year from now when I'm shopping for a wedding dress. Thanks to everyone for the advice.

TL;DR: Boyfriend didn't want to budge. We broke up. I'm now single and hunting for my own apartment within my own price range.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Fisgig

> I bet you anything that since this guy was old enough to realize the importance of money, he was drilled with lessons from his parents that you should never, under any circumstances, support someone financially until marriage. The 50/50 split was probably something he was taught as a way of protecting himself and his assets and he followed it to the letter. > > Unfortunately, like a lot of people from money, he did not realize the financial impact on you of raising your standard of living. This is where he needed to budge a little bit.

OOP

>> I think you are right. >> >> As horrible as all of this seems, he really isn't a bad guy. I wouldn't have stayed with him for nearly 5 years if he was. But his ideas about how money and relationships work are totally different than mine, and I can't compromise on everything. I'm not happy that it ended this way, but what's done is done.

~

cfdagola

> I will say this one thing despite the bad outcome. Of all the men in the world who go absolutely psycho and "work harder" and start stalking people or who generally just can't accept that their SO is leaving them and have mental break downs and all the things in between. > > this guy stroked a check like a business man handed it to her and went about his day. > > I mean that is both strange and rare. but it's so rare that you gotta wonder if there's some hidden issues. > > I could see Bruce Wayne doing this. But he's also Batman who has heavy mental and emotional issues. > > Like others have said bullet dodged on this one.

OOP

>>He wouldn't have been the man I fell in love with if he went crazy and tried to win me back. That's not the kind of relationship we had. Which isn't to say I don't think the check thing was totally bizarre, I do...but I think that was just his little way of saying "fuck you." Like when a kid is told to eat slower and then takes an hour to finish dinner or something.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/unraveledwords

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Trigger Warnings: >!accusations of infidelity, gaslighting!<

---

Original Post: May 12, 2026

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality, so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him. He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship, and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend, and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment. It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend, and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend, and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it, and she said she would be down, so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea. He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own. This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me. We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends, so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Classic. He wanted to open up the relationship because he thought he'd get to sleep with other people, now he's mad & trying to punish because you had success on the apps and he didn't.

You didn't misunderstand, he's lying because he played himself and wants to make it your fault. > > Commenter 2: For real. This happens so much, it is practically a cliche. The man wants to open the relationship to get some side action, inevitably it is way easier for the partnered woman to find others, and the man gets pissed off about her success and wants to shut things down. OP, this isn’t for you to fix. Your boyfriend needs to own his actions rather than punishing you for them. Until he does that, I wouldn’t be trying to beg for his forgiveness. His behavior is juvenile and a red flag. > > The only comment for you is don't block the people you slept with without communicating. That isn't cool. They deserve respect and you shouldn’t try an open relationship if you are going to treat others poorly. You can simply say that you are taking a step back to focus on your primary relationship, won't be reaching out again and prefer not to be contacted. But blocking without saying anything is not cool. >> >> OOP: After receiving a few comments saying to unblock the girl I definitely will be! She was really great and I think we could have a friendship if nothing else now. I just did it out of blind panic because I wanted to salvage my relationship

Commenter 3: I didn't quite understand your post... Does your boyfriend know you had sex with another guy (not a girl)? If so, that's probably the real reason for his anger.

But either way, it's his fault. He shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if it wasn't a sincere decision.

> OOP: He knows about both now as he began questioning me about it when I told him about the girl

Downvoted Commenter: In the eyes of most poly relationships you have cheated. You said you made the new people aware of your BF, but did he know you were actively going on dates and intending to sleep with people? Usually opening the relationship means having honest open communication about your actions and intentions with other partners, not the ins and outs of the activities just an understanding that somethings brewing. I don't think you guys have the right communication and maturity for an open relationship. In terms of earning his trust back, it will take a lot of time and effort but it's difficult for things to ever go back to how they were.

> OOP: I didn’t tell him at all about the guy until he asked, but I was under the impression that he knew I had slept with the girl. I guess it is poor communication on my behalf that he didn’t understand the nature of my relationship with her. The reason why I didn’t tell him details is because I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing the ins and outs of what my boyfriend was doing with other people and I stupidly assumed he felt the same. I just assumed that he was, and assumed he knew I was as that was what we had both agreed to do

Commenter 4: You didn't misunderstand. He's lying.

Commenter 5: "How do I earn his trust back?" What are you talking about??? How did you lose his trust? You agreed on an open relationship. Dump this insecure hypocritical boy.

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Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: May 13, 2026 (same post, next day)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention, and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new job opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar, but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know.

Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this, but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/manbearpigserial

WIBTAH if I don't show up to the bachelor party I specifically have said I don't want

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  May 12, 2026

I'm getting married in a little over a month. It's a small wedding, immediate family only. Less than 25 people on the guest list. Dinner after at a restaurant my fiancé likes, that's it.

I have told everyone from the moment I got engaged that I do not want a bachelor party. I grew out of my party phase long ago and would rather spend my weekends with my fiancé and soon to be stepson than drinking and everything else a bachelor party entails. I thought everyone understood I didn't want one until yesterday.

At Mother's Day yesterday my sister let it slip to me that my dad asking me next weekend to come help him put his boat in the water is a cover story for a bachelor party him and my brother are throwing for me. She did it because she didn't want me unknowingly walking into an ambush. I was instantly absolutely furious, but I bottled it up because it was Mother's Day and I didn't want to make a scene on a day that was for my mom and grandma.

Today I sent my dad a text asking about helping with his boat and asking when I should come, etc. I said thanks and let him know after I helped with the boat I'd be going home due to commitments with my stepson. This was my way of not selling out my sister. He started saying no I have to stay because he wants to take me out to dinner to say thank you and take me for a boat ride etc.

I said thanks but no thanks, I don't care about boat rides and he knows that. I'll help with the boat but then I have to go. He kept trying to convince me but after being unsuccessful he confessed to it being a cover for a bachelor party. This is when the real conversation began.

I told him in no uncertain terms again that I don't want a bachelor party and also that I'm not coming to this planned bachelor party. I don't want one, I've been abundantly clear I don't want one, and he should just cancel it. He said him and my brother had already bought food and drinks for the party, they had invited my friends and everyone was excited and looking forward to it so it was too far in to cancel it. Besides if I come I'll end up enjoying it so why fight it. A good friend of mine from out of state is even flying in to attend.

I then informed him they can enjoy their party, but I will not be coming. He called me selfish and that I should be grateful to have friends and family who want to do this for me. That I should come and enjoy myself because this isn't just about me, it's about all of them showing how happy they are for me for my wedding.

I called my friend from out of state and told him to cancel his flight, to not come into town because I'm not having a bachelor party, and that I'm sorry people had told him I was. He said not to worry about it, that he was coming into town a couple days early to see his newborn niece anyway.  I made plans with him to get dinner the night of my bachelor party to make up for everyone else inconveniencing him.

My family have been texting me all day today about it being incredibly selfish of me to refuse to go to the party they spent so much time and effort planning. I feel I made it really clear I didn't want this and they brought this on themselves.

So WIBTAH if I go through with my plan to no show my own bachelor party?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

DrTeethPHD

> INFO > > You know the word "party" doesn't exclusively mean getting rowdy and wasted, right? > > It can mean just spending time with people who love you and enjoy your company.

OOP

>>They're planning basically a kegger on a lake. this is a get wasted party

Wingnut2029

>>>It was never a party for you.  It was always just an excuse to have a party for themselves.

Update  May 14, 2026

Long story short the party is off and my dad is pretty pissed about it.

Last night when I got home from work my fiancé asked me how things were going with my family. Her mom was over so I told her what was going on. My future MIL's first reaction was "Are they nuts?" We talked about it and she told me I absolutely shouldn't go and I should let my friends know that I wasn't going to be there so they don't go there and are disappointed when I'm not.

I took her advice and texted some friends that I figured got invites to let them know the bachelor party was never cleared with me and I wouldn't be there but if they still wanted to go there and party then to have at it. They helped me figure out other people who were invited and I let them all know too.

Pretty much all of them understood and were cool about it. A couple of them I have plans with soon anyway, so we said we'll just see each other then. Some of them I had no plans with, but we made plans for other days in the next couple of months. Others we made no plans, but they seemed cool.

Apparently pretty much none of them were wanting to go to the party if I wasn't going to be there because I got an irate call from my dad asking me why he got a bunch of calls and texts from people saying they weren't coming to the party because I wasn't going to be there. I told him, well, that's because I'm not going to be there, like I told you a couple days ago, and I figured people should know since this was supposed to be my bachelor party that the bachelor wasn't going to be there.

He said he's had enough of my anti-social crap and demanded I be there. I said no. He then said he was planning on paying for my after wedding dinner but now wouldn't to make up for the money he wasted on this party. I said that was fine because I already paid for the dinner months ago when we booked the dinner with the venue.  He then said fine it's going to come out of my wedding present fine. I was like we don't need your wedding present, but if that makes you feel better then fine go for it.

My brother and sister both sent me texts basically saying I should have just gone and sucked it up. My brother mentioned being out some money himself because of this. I said maybe next time you'll learn to think for yourself instead of blindly following our dad's orders all the time. That shut him up. My mom has been suspiciously silent about all of it. I did talk to her today, but the subject never came up.

That's pretty much it. I'm gonna enjoy a nice night with my fiancé and her son tomorrow night and go to his soccer game. Saturday my buddy and I changed plans, instead of dinner we're going to my local MLB team's game instead since it's a day game and we found decent tickets pretty cheap.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

tilted_crown85

>Is the same sister that told you about the party the one now telling you that you should have gone anyway?

OOP

>> Yea same sister. I mentioned this in the comments but her telling me about it wasn't her being on my side. >> >> She was telling me because she knew if I walked into it my reaction would be to turn around and leave and they may try to stop me. If they tried to stop me it would probably result in a fist fight. It has been a long time since it last happened but my dad and I have had about a half dozen full blown fights in the past. >> >> She was just trying to stop a fight.

Individual_You_6586

>Your dad sounds abusive

OOP

>> I'm gonna be honest. The fist fights were more often my fault than his. Whether I swung first or said things to bait him into hitting me those were on me. >> >> I had a lot of issues when I was young

And another reason OOP didnt want the party

> ...I stopped drinking for the most part more than 10 years ago now. I only drink on rare occasions now. I can't stand being sober around drunk people either

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/un-conventional-mum

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!medical issues, bodily fluids, entitlement!<

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Original Post: May 1, 2026

My almost 2 year old had an ileostomy reversal last month. It went well but the side effects of the surgery is that he has constant bowel movements (every 10-15 mins) and due to the fact that he has never used his bum before in the entire 20 months of life the constant exposure of stool to his skin has cause a SEVERE diaper rash.

Up until a week ago his skin was horrid, but I have perfected my system and have managed to clear 99% of his diaper rash. It’s mainly just me changing him the moment he goes and changing his diet / making sure he eats (if he goes more than 2 hours without eating during the day he gets terrible diarrhea which makes rash come back full force).

In-laws want our son to visit for Mother's day at MIL's mother's home because they haven't seen him in over a month. I have reservations because the ride there is long and we will have to pull over multiple times to change him. And more importantly we can't even go to their house because he will NOT eat there at all and never has.

But say he does happen to eat there (again has never happened idk why he won't eat at MIL's house either) we will have to bring all of our supplies, and I will basically just have him in room changing him every 10 minutes. Also, sometimes when he goes he screams in pain and I really don't want to deal with my husband's entire family (they celebrate all mothers in the family not just Mil) trying to step in and tell me what to do (we can't ease his pain he just has to pass it). If we go to a restaurant the same problems arise just in a more crowded and louder place

Husband believes son's bowel movements have gotten more steady because his rash is gone and that means we can start going places. That is not the case, they are still erratic, I just stay on top of everything (it can take months or years to steady) I told him he can visit his family alone, but I could tell it hurt him. My in-laws believe we can go one day with him having diarrhea because I have gotten a handle on how to treat his skin, but I don't want to risk compromising all the progress I've made.

I offered them to come to us (living with my rents for rn) but they won't hear it even though my parents will go to my husband family's homes for joint celebrations (despite our house being bigger and able to accommodate both families unlike any of theirs can) I told them if they really wanted to see our son they would suck it up and come here but no one has responded.

Thank you for all your support!! I would love to respond to everyone but answering comments takes time away from my son and his changes so I probably won't be responding.

EDIT!! I would like to clarify my husband can't help, he's at work and my son will not allow him to change his diapers Anyways. He was traumatized with the constant prodding of the doctors at the hospital and only allows me to change him. I won't force my son to be stressed even if it stresses me. My husband does try on the weekends, but it is extremely upsetting for all 3 of us.

My husband isn't ignoring the issues, he genuinely thinks he's gotten better due to his rash being gone and the fact that his nightly changes went from 9 times to only 1-2 (YES!!) His bowels HAVE steadied at night but not yet during the day that will take much longer. Unfortunately, my husband only sees the nights not days.

Someone in the comments mentioned a "log" log and I will DEFINITELY be using that to show him things are not as well as he thinks. Thank you to the commenter who suggested this!! I will be updating him CONSTANTLY because I do spend 80% of my day cleaning up poop lol

Also I never mind seeing our mothers on the day, I just want time for me too. And my husband has to work even on weekends to support us. We spend A LOT of money on my son's supplies (600+ a week), and insurance doesn't cover most of the things we actually need. Our rainy day savings of nearly $20,000 drained the first year of our son's live due to his disease before anyone says why did we have a kid with no money. We had money, we just weren't expecting this disease to burden our son

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: “I will not make my child suffer to see anybody on earth. anyone who wants a child to suffer is not going to be in my child’s life.“

shame on your husband and in-laws why can’t they come to you? NTA

> OOP: This is basically my standpoint. I'm not putting my son's health at risk for their feelings

Has OOP considered about the cloth diapering?

> OOP: we go through about 20-30 disposals diapers a day. We wanted to try cloth, but our wound care nurse advised against it as they aren't as good as disposables when it comes wicking away moisture. Plus I would probably spend 95% of my free time doing laundry if we had disposable. We are looking to potty train once his bowels steady a bit more though so hopefully that helps!

> Unfortunately our wound care team advised against cloth and suggested disposable diapers because they have higher absorbency and moisturize wicking properties :/ we could switch over now though considering his rash is gone! But considering we just got his skin fixed I rather wait for a bit before changing anything.

Commenter 2: NTAH your son has more critical needs than to have to take a road trip. The in laws should come to you or nothing at all.

> OOP: I have offered them to come over often. We have a huge nee park right behind our backyard they could meet us at if being in my parents’ house was the issue, but they refuse so I stopped offering.

Commenter 3: Unless my child had an appointment with Jesus to touch the helm of his garment to be healed, I'm not going to cause any unnecessary harm on my child in order for them to see anybody.

> OOP: I wish they thought like this. They did this same selfish stuff when he got out the nicu and with his second surgery about not being able to see him immediately

Commenter 4: Your husband is kinda being a dick here. It’s like your second Mother’s Day, he should be celebrating YOU not adding more work onto your plate. I despise MIL’s who demand to be celebrated when their children have their own children. Sorry your husband cares more about his Mom than he does you, and baby. NTA

> OOP: Yeah hopefully he has something planned for me this year. Last year I had to pick a restaurant on the spot and got a 15 minute meal that we had to box up to go straight to his mom's lol. I'm assuming he's not that dumb after I complained about it

OOP on if her husband has done any diaper changes and see the routine she does to help with their son's health?

> OOP: He's at work most of the day so he doesn't see all I do during. Especially since my son has stopped going so much at night thankfully. What used to be 9 changes is only 1-2 at night so I don't necessarily blame him for thinking it's better, but the days are still the same. I'll definitely have to hammer it in though

> Unfortunately, no, he has to work even on weekends normally. The amount of supplies we go through in just 2 days can cost up to $150 to replace and that’s not even including diapers. We spend nearly 500 dollars a week on our son. Insurance won't cover any of this and being that I haven't been able to work since he was born due to his disease our financials rely heavily on my husband's work ethic.

Commenter 5: Your son is the priority. There is no reason to travel. Your son’s well-being takes priority. You could always message your doctor with your concerns. Perhaps they will respond with a “no, your son cannot travel.”

> OOP: Our surgeon didn't specify not to travel but DID tell us do not take him places you don't think he will eat for at least 6 months. I definitely will remind my husband that was said.

OOP on why her MIL is being bitter

> OOP: I think it's because she had a different idea of what being a first time grandparent would be. Her mother practically raised my husband and his brother so she thought the same would happen? It didn't pan out that way and she's blamed me a lot for taking away her right to be a good grandmother.

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Update: May 14, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

UPDATE: AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and apologize for my lack of responses. I really tried to read everything and reply to questions that were asking for advice about treating diaper rash but if I responded to everyone my son would have the reddest bum ever.

I did NOT show my husband the post initially because the adult thing for me to do was talk to him and give him a chance to explain and also hear my opinions.

He did not understand why we couldn't just visit his family for only an hour or two, so I made sure he understood why.

On Saturday I asked him to day the day off so he could stay home and see how our son acted and all he went through. Nearly 40 diaper changes, the screaming and crying with each bowel move, the lack of personal time or breaks you actually get when taking care of a medically fragile child.

I think by noon he understood why we couldn't bring our son to his family.

I again asked him if his parents would mind coming to us (to meet at the park behind our home) he told me they would not no matter how we worded it, no matter what we did they just don't get it and won't try to. I tried to be understanding because he is always stuck in the middle, but I stood my ground. I wouldn't risk my son's health for their feelings and I'm not compromising any more than I have already tried. If my in-laws REALLY wanted to see our son they would drive to us to see him.

Mother's day came around and my lovely parents (who we live with) watched our son (he was generous enough to let my mum change him) while we went out on a MUCH needed date! It was the break I needed, and it felt incredible to reconnect with my husband.

My husband did eventually go see his family (stayed for an hour or two) and I got to spend the rest of the day with my son. My husband didn't tell me anything that happened when he got back but I did get a text message from my MIL that read: "Happy Mother's day OP, I hope you get everything you wanted."

Not sure if it was genuine or a dig but I said thank you and wished her and her family well!

I did eventually show him the post, and he apologized for not realizing how he was treating us. He has decided to go to therapy to work on his boundaries with his parents and hopefully to become a better communicator with me.

Thank you for reading and I hope all of you are doing well! Also, if anyone is struggling with curing a diaper rash don't hesitate to message me!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Aww, this is fantastic!! Please, NEVER back down, and don't feel bad when you do

Your mom is an absolute blessing, tell your husband not to forget that 1 day, NEVER, so that any time his parents try to pull anything, it will stiffen up his spine

> OOP: Will do!! He's already starting to notice the differences in how our parents behave

Commenter 2: “I hope you got everything you wanted”. What a bitch. > > Commenter 3: Oh she one hundred percent meant it as snarky and mean. Glad OP is classy enough to not let it bother her. 💅🏼. >> >> OOP: My mum raised me to be nice up front and back away when needed. I do it A LOT. I think it drives my MIL insane that I don't blow up

Commenter 4: It’s amazing how your Son allowed your Mom to change him on the day you needed a break yet won’t allow his Dad or anyone else near him to do it any other time, so you have to do it constantly. Hope your little boy continues to be on the mend and things improve more for him going forward.

> OOP: He sees my mom a lot more! She works from home sometimes and she likes to check in on him every now and then. She's very gentle with him too and that definitely helps. But he does let his dad help now!!! I just have to be nearby

Commenter 5: It's funny, when you said you couldn't take a trip, my mind immediately thought, "I wonder what medical issues the baby has?" Mainly because I assumed MIL's house was far away, and it'd probably take you 5 hours to get there if you had to stop a lot, and would still be miserable because you couldn't enjoy festivities. Then I looked at the link & was like, "Wow, MIL really has no clue, does she? And why is everything about her?"

> OOP: That's the crazy part, she DOES know what goes on because she was in on the call when the doctors explained everything that would happen to him for the next couple of months

OOP on setting boundaries with her own parents when it comes to care for her son

> OOP: I set boundaries with my parents and don't allow them to take care of my son because they already spent half their lives caring for me and my seven other siblings. my son is my responsibility to take over not theirs. We have the entire top floor to ourselves, and my son sees my parents for 1hr a day at (they still work my parents are in their late 40s and my son sleeps by 7pm). I do not have a close relationship with my father (we talk maybe once a month he's just not a talker and stays to himself) but I am very close with my mother as is my husband. My parents are roommates, not caregivers we all like it that way. No enmeshing here, I made it clear when my son was born that the only people who will raise my son is the people who made him. I'm not sure how you got enmeshing from this just because we have to live here.

OOP on her husband spending more time with their son after his own experience with changing diapers

> OOP: He does spend time with him when he gets home. But there's only an hour slot for that. He gets off an hour before our son sleeps so they spend that time alone together (outside of changes). I think hearing about diaper changes and seeing it happen are very different. Like it sounds like a lot but once you actually see it it's A LOT if that makes sense.

> He can't take off weekends :/ he's the manager and runs everything. But he has started to go in early to work so he can be home early to see us! That's helped a lot

Is OOP's son the only grandchild on her husband's side?

> OOP: My son is the only grandchild and there's only two sons in the mix. Last year we did spend mother's day at her home so I'm not opposed to it. But my son had an ostomy bag then, so it was easier to travel. Now it isn't possible safely. They do understand but because it’s going to be at least a year of this they think it’s okay to break safety protocols every once and awhile which I don't agree with. Thank you for the encouragement!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT Original OP — OOP is u/Haloworf posting in r/love

———————————————

[Original | March 11th, 2019] He called me his girlfriend, skeeeee!

This needs to be documented that the boy I'm totally falling deeply in love with called me his girlfriend yesterday, awww, swoon.

He is so sweet, kind, thoughtful, cute, giving, appreciative, funny, silly, creative, adorable, a goof, total dork, sci-fi/fantasy nerd, good lover, ambitious, organized, awwww I just love this boy.

He's not perfect, but neither am I. Something I've learned after leaving a nearly nine year relationship is that love and relationships is about finding someone you can imagine yourself with in the future. Someone you're willing to compromise with and make it work. It's about finding that person that makes you smile, that will fucking kiss you for no damn reason, or hold your hand. Lust fades, but knowing you've found someone to share your life with, that's what love is about.

My only hesitation is that both of us got out of long term (5 year +) relationships only this past fall. We are both still healing our hearts, but kinda stumbled into this romance. It started super casual...

We met on Bumble, both of us were just looking for a friendly hook-up, but over the months it's slowly been evolving into something more and more serious. Yes, this all sounds amazing, I know! I just worry (and as I'm typing this I know how dumb this sounds), I worry he's still not ready for a serious relationship and is diving into this relat with me to cure his heartbreak from his ex.

IDK maybe it is, maybe it isn't. I'm not sure, but I'm pretty damn sure we both want something serious. He's discussed us moving in together/living together and I would like that! I mean I do love my solo, running around naked life, but I would prefer having a partner in crime. Someone who always has my back and loves me.

God, I'm sorry I'm just babbling, telling y'all whatever pops into my brain...

Really though what I'm trying to say is, I'm in love with this really amazing guy that I can NOT believe any one wouldn't want to date/marry/love me forever/can we have a Notebook romance? Swoon.

I can't stop thinking about him. And not in a lustful crazy way, just throughout the day, I'll think about him, and it makes me smile. *Heavy dreamy sigh*

I sound like a blurbing bonehead, I want to marry him, I want to be with him forever, and also I NEVER EVER considered having kiddos, but I could actually imagine that with him, which is nuts!!!

God, what has happened to me? I'm open to folks' thoughts, questions, whateves on my disorganized post.

❤️ Thank you and much love!

Haloworf

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: I read it as if I was your boyfriend. It’s not weird?

>OOP: It's become art at that point and if it brings you joy, thsts all that matters. > >>Commenter 1: It was a hearty read. All the good feels. I’m not having much luck on love lately so I appreciate your post. ❤️

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[Update 1 | March 18th, 2019 | 1 Week Later] Update: M29 tells me F30 he loves me…

I recently posted "He called me his girlfriend, skeeeee!" about how I was falling in love with this boy I met thru Bumble. The details of our background can be found there, but to summarize quickly for those of you who haven’t read the previous post:

We both got out of long term 5+ year relationships with our significant others this past fall. Both of us turned to the powers of technology vica vee dating apps to find a casual hookup. Hey, we’re human, we haz needs!

Anyways, both of us did not know how to do this. I’ll never forget how our first “date” ended up with us sitting in my car, because I was too nervous to meet him in the café. We just talked and talked and talked about random shit, and also we discussed STDs ‘cause…we’re here to bang, lol.

This casual tryst slowly began evolving over the months. Both of us were in different places emotionally, both grieving, in pain, hurting, crying, healing our hearts because we had thought our past S.O.s were it. They were the ones. We imagined lives together…forever. And for different reasons…I dumped my S.O. for many reasons the biggest being he was mentally unstable and began abusing drugs, and the darling boy I love now, let’s call him Egg, was dumped because his S.O. thought they weren’t a good fit.

Egg was everything I wanted, but never knew was out there, waiting for me, waiting to love me… He’s kind, passionate, thoughtful, funny, cute, caring, fellow nerd, adorable, creative, smart, organized, genuine…He’s the full package…also he bakes/cooks, and will bring me flowers/cards for no damn reason other than me being me. Who is this Hallmark man?

I digress, back to us falling in love and him “confessing” his love to me…

Over months of us hanging out…just chilling at each other’s places doing our weird shit some of which is mundane, but it all is life and adds up…playing League of Legends/Nintendo Switch stuff, board games, cuddling, watching cheesy movies “They Live”, playing Dungeons and Dragons (him playing with his friends online, me listening in and loving all the funny stuff), Christmas decorating, Valentine’s exchanges, finding him a new apartment, moving him into his new apartment, running errands, folding laundry, doing yoga together (I’m also a yoga nerd), baking sweets (pies, cookies) and cooking and of course lots of kissing and hooking up thrown in there too for good measure!!!

Somewhere in the middle of all this stuff we fell in love.

I knew I loved him, and please I know this sounds cheesy, but I knew after we exchanged our Valentine’s. Ya, okay it’s around a made-up holiday meant to sell candy and cards and crap, but damn it, this guy, my Egg fudging baked me his family recipe pumpkin pie from scratch.

A couple things he:

1. Remembered me saying pumpkin pie is my favorite pie
2. Planned ahead – grocery shopping, time to bake pie etc, even grabbed the whipped cream as I told him I like a little pie with my whipped cream. Ya, I glob it on like no one’s business.
3. From scratch, like he roasted an effing pumpkin or whatever the hell it is you do. He did not get canned. He also made his own crust, there were zero cheats in this bake, and he did this for me.
4. He delivered the pie to me, along with a card, of course.

Now I knewwwwwwwwww, KNEW, I loved this guy, when he gave me this most amazing display of affection, time, effort, thoughtfulness, and to top it off on the weirdy we meant for each other vibes, we both had somehow given each other Yoda cards. Okay, sure Star Wars is pretty all around us, it’s kinda like the force…you feel it. But this felt so funny and perfect, and meant to be since, okay, everyone don’t judge me. We were watching that ridiculous "SEAGULLS! (Stop It Now)" -- A Bad Lip Reading of The Empire Strikes Back. And after we watched it I told him I had this silly fantasy of hopping on his back and pretending I’m Yoda, just to be a goofball. We laughed about that, and anyways, the seed of Yoda was planted in our brains I guess, which is why this greeting card matching set happened.

Now the days and weeks are passing by, things happen. We continue to hang out, grow closer, share more laughs, more hook-ups, more silly shenanigans. Egg was def going through some shit, I could see his heart was NOT over his ex. He would still bring up his ex a decent amount, along with having some really down depressed days, and he was honest about it, much like I was with him. Although mine ended much more sadly/rocky/painful it still hurt and I still missed that person I once fell in love with. That guy who could make some random little sound which meant something, just between the two of us and it would make me laugh til my sides hurt.

But here we were in the present, healing our hearts and finding comfort and love in another person we didn’t think was even possible. My heart was bursting to tell him after I knew I loved him and I almost slipped a couple times. In fact the very next time we saw each other I only got away with saying I loved him because I was pretending my dog was saying it. (I do a silly voice for my dog).

I told Egg that I knew he was still getting over his ex and that he would have bad days, but that good things come to those who wait, and all the best things take time. I could be patient. And also there’s things I want to share with you but you’re not ready yet. I desperately wanted to tell him I loved him, but I wanted to let him get over his ex, and feel openly/free to tell me he loved me first. I didn’t want to pressure him/nor impose my intense feelings.

So this weekend we were hanging out, playing video games and such, we decided to chill in his bed for kisses and cuddles. One thing inevitably leads to another and let’s say we took it to warp 9, ya dig? Okay, pause for comedic effect. Whilst he is still inside of me on top, he says he has something important that he’s been wanting to say. I, not one to be great with my feelings am kinda freaking out. I usually hide under a blanket or a pillow or something when he tells me these things, but with him on top of me there was literally no where to hide. I even told him this, I was like, “I can’t hide under a blanket with you on top of me!!!” He laughed, and then he told me he loved me.

My heart soared, I felt like I was in a dream. I seriously couldn’t process the information he was telling me. He said so many things to that I can’t recall verbatim, but they were all very nice, heartwarming sweet reasons why he felt the way he did about me. I told him shyly that I loved him too. Even though I’ve been dying to tell him, I still felt shy about saying the words out loud. It felt dangerous or maybe it’s just being vulnerable like that which twirls those butterflies around in my tummy.

He loves me. I love him. Yes, I’m an effing adult, but my heart skips a beat thinking about him and also he’s called me his girlfriend. Before we were just friends hooking up, but we’ve gone beyond that, and THAT makes me so happy. I can call him my boyfriend! My wonderful boyfriend, that I love.

At some point in our many hangs he told me I’m the fastest person to ever become this close to him in such a short time frame. He’s usually more closed off apparently and takes a long time to let people in. I am rather similar. I usually keep my heart guarded and tucked away, and I hide my emotions/true weird self because I’m scared of rejection. But he was always so kind and so patient with me. I instantly knew I could trust him, but I had to give myself time to lower my guard.

Long story short I’m in love with someone who loves me too. I only hope this never stops. I don’t want to sound like a crazy girl, but I want to marry him. I seriously can not imagine myself with anyone else, nor do I want to. He’s an amazing human being that I could see myself spending the rest of my life with. I’m ready for the next adventure and I really hope it’s with him…always!

Feeling dreamy, in love, and hoping for forever,

❤️ Haloworf

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: That's so sweet! I hope you too can be the happiest forever.

>OOP: I hope so too my friend. We'll see what shakes out.

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[Update 2 | April 23rd, 2019 | 1 Month Later] I am so in love with my boyfriend

If you've been reading my previous posts you know what's up, but for your reference here's a link to Update: M29 tells me F30 he loves me… <---NSFW

I am seriously so madly in love with my boyfriend it's crazy!

He is so wonderful, I can't even go into all of it. Let me instead share a moment that made my heart melt.

We were at the farmer's market this past weekend. It was a gorgeous sunny day and we were there with a friend of his. We decided to park our butts on the curb and listen to a guitarist that was playing there. So we sat and listened to him play for quite awhile. It was fun!!! After he finished playing and the market was closing up, it was time to get our butts off the curb. Egg (bf) stood up first, and then I just put my hand in the air towards him. He grabbed my hand and helped me get up. I said, "Aww thank you cutie!" he was like "Ya, I always got your back!" *heart melting, boy I love is so amazing....Anime twinkly eyes here*

This might seem really small, but my God, he effing makes my heart melt. He'll just say things like that all the time, and he really means it. This isn't some bullshit he's saying, he's damn genuine.

Another moment...okay bonus for y'all still reading. We were on a hike, again with his friend, and we're strolling along. Suddenly, I feel his hand in mine...*swoon* He looks over at me and smiles!!! Omgerrrrddddd, is he real???

We hiked to the top of this gorgeous vista point which overlooks the Bay. I can't tell you how hard I had to fight the urge to make out with him. The only reason I didn't was because I didn't want to make his friend feel uncomfortable. But picture this....you're with the person you love, starring out at a gorgeous view, and you're surrounded by a beautiful meadow. Holy glorb, I had to lock my shit up so tight. Later on when we were texting he told me he really had to resist the urge to makeout with me as well, lol.

Efffssssss, I love him, I love him, I love him!!! Damn it hasn't been that long since we defined the relat, and became official on March 10 aka Mar10 Day, yusssssssss!!! But I feel incredibly strongly towards him. I said it in a previous post, I want to marry him. I seriously do. I'm done wasting time, I've found someone that loves me and gets my weird soul, I have zero desire to look elsewhere. Where will this love lead...no one knows....

Also Happy Lover's Day, ya'll!!! I'm planning a surprise for him later...I'll post about it soon!!!

Relevant & Top Comments

Commenter 1: Whoa

>OOP: Whoa good or bad? > >>Commenter 1: GOOD.

———————————————

Editor's note: I was unable to find any relevant updates (deleted or otherwise) from OOP, but I'm hoping everything worked out for them 😄

THIS IS A REPOST SUB—I AM NOT OOP. DO NOT COMMENT ON THEIR POSTS

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Impossible-Fun-7483

I (28m) think my FWB (27f) has feelings for me, don't know how to navigate

Thanks to u/withlovetara for finding the new updates

BoRU 1

Original Post  Apr 14, 2025

So, about 6 months back I went out for drinks with some friends, one of which was Kris (fake name obviously). Kris and I have known each other since we were in middle school and were never super close but were always good friends if that makes sense. She got wasted and was being flirted with by another guy in the group who was sober which sent off alarm bells for me so when we were all walking to our apartments and he'd lingered instead of going to my apartment I ended up crashing on her couch. The next morning while we were having breakfast she admitted she found me cute, really appreciated what I did the night before, and wanted to know if I'd be up for a FWB situation.

So ever since we've been just that. We'd both just gotten out of relationships at the time and surprisingly this FWB situation resulted in us actually becoming really close friends to where we now actually just hang out to hang out more often than we hang out specifically with the intent to sleep with each other. Well, before we had a pretty strict "no staying the night" rule because for her "that felt like a step beyond FWB" but late last month she asked if I'd be willing to stay the night because "I just really need someone to cuddle with tonight" and I didn't think anything of it and obliged. But now it's become every time we do it one of us ends up stay the night at the others apartment. She's also been making more overtly flirty comments towards me when we're with friends which was another rule we had because we wanted to keep things private.

Problem is, I don't know that I share her feelings. She's amazing don't get me wrong, beautiful (can't undersell this, I work in a field where I work with models on a regular basis and most of them do not compare, no idea why she picked me of all people), brilliant, driven, and one of the kindest people I know (this girl volunteers at a soup kitchen WEEKLY). I've been incredibly grateful to have gotten closer to her over the last 6 months. I think she's one of those people that people you're lucky if you get to meet even one of in your whole life. I know once feelings get involved there's no real going back to strict FWB but I also would rather get buried alive than hurt her. So I would love advice on how to handle this.

TL;DR: I (28m) have been FWB with Kris (27f) for around 6 months and suspect she's caught feelings. I need help navigating the situation.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

kgberton

>No way to advise you before you figure out your own feelings. 

OOP

>>I think I do have my feeling more or less figured out. I don't share the feelings she has. She's absolutely my best friend and an incredibly human being but at least currently I don't have romantic feelings for her.

Update  Apr 15, 2025 (Next Day)

Well, I didn't really expect to have an update this soon or at all. I suspect it'll be the only update.

After the first post I called her and told her I suspected she had feelings (I was right) and told her I didn't have feelings and wasn't ready for a relationship out of panic for the situation.

Thankfully it was therapy day. I talked things out with my therapist about how I have serious fears about getting back into a relationship, how those fears made me react way too quickly, and how now that things potentially collapsed I've re-examined how I feel about her.

After therapy I just let myself sit with things for awhile. Then I called her. Call went to voicemail. So I texted her and let her know I wanted to talk and wanted to do it in person if she was willing. She texted back and said she was willing to meet for dinner to hear me out. So I laid everything out for her. How my last relationship fucked me up and how that made me panic when I realized she had feelings and act before I even gave myself time to process. And then I told her how I really felt. That her voice is my favorite sound, how her smile is what I see when I close my eyes, all of it, and most importantly that if she was willing to be patient with me I wanted to give us a shot.

Anyways, I'm taking her in a proper date this weekend.

TL;DR: I nearly ruined things but managed to salvage it and got the good ending.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

PolarIceCream

>Aw yay!!! Best update ever! Wishing it to be your last first date :)

OOP

>>I even already made plans! There's a fancy restaurant in our city she mentioned once like 2 months ago as somewhere she wanted to try one day and I made reservations the second she agreed to hear me out.

Update 2  Apr 20, 2025 (5 days later)

Hi all, just wanted to give a second and probably final update unless we get like married or something maybe. I just got home after spending basically all day yesterday and part of today with her. On a scale of 1-10, the date was an 11. The day after my last update she and I had a long call while she was on lunch from her job. It wasn't really about anything specific, but I made up the excuse that I was doing photography at a local greenhouse later that day to steer the conversation to flowers. I found out her favorite flower was lilies, lucky me I already knew her favorite color was pink. So I picked up a bouquet of pink lilies that day and had them waiting. 

Then came Saturday. I got to her apartment and I swear, nothing could have prepared me for the moment she opened the door. I’ve photographed models on a Miami beach at sunset, I've photographed landscapes in Iceland and Ireland, I've done a wedding on a small vineyard in Italy. I don't say any of that to brag, I say it because I thought I had a pretty good grasp on what beauty was with my experience, but the second she opened the door the definition was changed for me. Her eyes were the first thing I noticed of course, her eyes are like these beautiful ice crystals in her head and they were highlighted by this gorgeous tan dress and the way her hair framed her face. Her smile when she saw the flowers made me freeze completely. I literally turned into a stuttering mess. I've never had that happen in my life. I'm usually confident and hard to fluster, but this outstanding human being did it without trying.

I finally managed to hand her the flowers and we took them in and put them in a vase. A couple months ago she made an off-hand comment about how she wanted to visit this upscale Italian restaurant in our city, so that's where I had made reservations. The food was probably pretty good, I was too distracted by her to care that much about if the food was good. She info dumped about how apparently “lactose intolerance is a skill issue” (her words, not mine). She does this cute thing where she'll apologize for info dumping and when I encourage her to keep going because I love hearing her talk she bobs her head back and forth. It's a bit like watching a penguin dance. Don't know how else to explain it, but it makes me smile every time she does it. 

After that we walked a block to a bar because they had live music. We got a single drink each and the band started playing “Something” by The Beatles, she made a comment about how it was her favorite slow song so it felt like something to make a mental note of. So I asked her if she wanted to dance with me and we did. And then it happened, she kissed me. It's weird, we'd made out before, but this time it just felt different. It was like lights dimmed around us and everyone else disappeared for a moment. It was just us in each other's arms. When she pulled back she had to be sure to jokingly remind me I nearly missed out on that. I ended up staying the night with her and today we just laid in bed until like 1 PM, just chatting and cuddling. 

After we finally got up we went and got lunch together. We discussed what both of us want for our future, we both want kids, we both agreed that we both wanted to adopt at least one of them to pull a kid out of the system and give them a good life.  Our goals really seemed to align well. The only difference was she apparently wants a spring wedding. I always planned on getting married in the fall because of photo opportunities. Guess I'm having a spring wedding. 

I know, early to think about a wedding, but I had a realization. In the last two months we've spent more days together than apart. I did the math earlier this week because the thought occurred to me so I read through our texts. From February 1st to April 12th we only spent 32 days apart, we still talked on most of those days over the phone or text of course, and we spent 39 together. Of those 39 only 4 were with the explicit intent to sleep with each other. Yet somehow I still didn't realize I was in love with this woman.

TL;DR: While I nearly made a massive mistake, I managed to not only salvage it, but I had the best date of my entire life.

NEW UPDATES

Update 3  Dec 20, 2025 (8 months later)

Final Update: My (29m) FWB (28f) caught feelings, I'm going to make her my wife.

Hey all, posting this with mod permission because I wanted to give you all one final update to my story. It’s been a bit more than 8 months since I made my first post and update and the two of us are still together We moved in together about two months ago which in my head feels like a short of amount of time to date before moving in, but after discussing things it does feel like we’ve been dating for much longer than 8 months because for several months before that we basically were dating already.

When I made my first post I was still dealing with the fallout of an incredibly toxic and abusive relationship that truly strained my ability to trust and allow myself to feel love. I’d be lying if I said that even through therapy that my trust issues have been resolved, but she’s been so incredibly lovely and patient with me. She’s genuinely just a spectacular human being. This is the first time a relationship has ever just felt simple. I don’t feel like I have to perform for her and genuinely my walls have finally come down.

Well, shortly after she moved in she started dropping the hints. She started talking about weddings, wanting to start a family, etc quite a lot. I’m generally bad at picking up hints but these were obvious even to me, so I just asked if these were things that she wanted and what timeline she was considering. I wanted to be positive that if I were to propose I already knew the answer was going to be yes so I was probably overly thorough with getting her to say “Yes, I want to marry you.”

I know she wants something romantic and grand, but I also know her as a person enough to know she has a lot of social anxiety. I know we’ve agreed on a fall wedding, luckily I know a lot of people in the wedding industry since I’m a photographer so as long as the proposal is relatively soon I can call in some favors and get things taken care of to make sure she gets the wedding of her dreams. I also know that her dream vacation spot has always been Italy which I’ve been to with clients in the past. Today I booked the plane tickets, I told her that I have a photography gig I booked for March and that I wanted to bring her along since I know she’s always wanted to go.

I had a few choices of where to propose and have deliberated on that for a couple weeks now but what I’ve landed on is that the third day there I’ll be taking her to Rimini for the day, and near sunset I will propose to her on the ferris wheel there. It was one of the only things that ticked all the boxes for what she wanted. I would move the heavens and earth to make things perfect for her because it’s what she deserves.

So thank you all, especially those of you that were there to tell me I was being irrational and dumb in my first post. I remember being in that panicked headspace. Honestly I thought I wasn’t worthy of her back then because I thought I was too damaged, I thought there had to be some horrible fate in store for me and I tried to run from those feelings. But I’m very glad many of you called me on it and got me to re-examine things. I’ve never felt so loved and fulfilled in my life. She’s the first person in my life that I don’t question if she has ulterior motives being close to me, frankly she’s not exactly starved for choices in the dating department and if she didn’t truly love me she could just find someone else at any point. For some reason she’s chosen me, and I’m going to cling on to that for the rest of my life if I can.

TL;DR: I nearly curved off the most incredible woman incredible woman on the planet, months later I'm about to propose.

Update 4 - In just under 24 hours I will be proposing  March 21, 2026

I've just finished getting everything packed up to get the train to Florance tomorrow morning. As I sit here she's in the other room finishing her packing so I figured I'd come here to write out my feelings since this account has become a life journal of sorts for me.

Honestly, I feel strange. Not in a bad way of course, it's this weird anxious excitement I've never felt before. I know it probably sounds silly, but before the trip I had to talk about this with my therapist. I know the odds that things don't go perfectly according to plan are pretty high. Having to accept that I don't have control over things like the temperature outside or if it rains and the only thing I can do is just let go is difficult for me.

But ultimately, in less than 24 hours I'll be engaged. I already know the answer, we've openly discussed everything, she knows I'm going to propose and just doesn't know when or how. Originally I had a flowchart of "if x goes wrong, y" but decided that instead I'm just going to exist in the moment with her. I trust that I know her well enough that if everything goes wrong I'll still be able to find a moment that works. Hell, worst case scenario I know she'd be perfectly okay with a low key proposal at the end of the day when we get back to the hotel room.

Anyways, wish me luck!

Update 5 - I'm engaged!  May 2, 2026

Hello friends!

I'm a little late to update everyone here. I considered posting this to the r/Relationships subreddit but figured for now I’d keep it here. I wanted to make sure we'd gotten home and had time to discuss everything so I could do one big update instead of small ones. First, I won't keep you hanging, we're engaged.

She clearly knew what was happening on the day. I wasn’t really subtle about it so I’m not surprised. I had originally made intricate plans for that day, but I'd noticed in other cities that nothing brought her more joy than when we were able to just point in a direction and explore without maps. She'd have so much joy in just finding random little shops or sculptures or anything really. I have diagnosed OCD so just giving up control like that has always been incredibly hard for me, but I decided to give up that control and just wander with her for a while and make specific plans for the evening. We even found this cute outdoor flea market on our stroll and she got a cute top from a vendor there.

For dinner I had booked a table at Il Santo Bevitore. Neither of us speak fluent Italian, but we’d both learned enough that we could get through ordering and ask basic questions. I think she thought that’s where I was going to propose, but I didn’t want to be that obvious. The atmosphere was lovely and the food was incredible. I HIGHLY recommend visiting to anyone considering it. Once we left there I recommended we visit a “festival I heard about” which was surrounding the Florence Eye (a very large ferris wheel).

I don’t think I’ve ever felt so much anxiety. I knew beyond doubt that she’d say yes when I asked but I dunno I felt this urgent need to make it perfect for her. Just the right blend of romantic while also actually thinking about what she would want. We made our way through the festival towards the wheel and I was genuinely sweating enough that she had to ask if I was okay. Once we got into the ferris wheel it genuinely felt like my brain went blank. We were in one of the most beautiful cities in the world with this incredible view over the city and all I could see was how stunning she was from across the cart. As we got up to the top I was panicking. For some reason I couldn’t find the ring because I couldn’t remember which pocket it was in, and she clearly noticed. Before I could even get the question out, before I could even find the ring, she said yes. I’m assuming she was trying to make me feel less panicked but she took the pressure off me.

Once we got home it felt real. I know that the only thing that really changed was that we now call each other “fiance” but there’s something just mind blowing about sleeping in the same bed as your fiance for the first time. Since, we’ve started talking things through. We’re eager, I won’t deny that. But we’re also realists. We want to build a life that we know will last together so we’ve set our wedding date for October of next year. This gives us time to do some more travel together and basically just exist together. Luckily her current job allows her to work from anywhere so any time I travel for work as long as there’s an internet connection we can use it as a trip together.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThatOneCloneTrooper

For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Extremely creepy!<

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAthetowel

My (f22) Fiance's (m24) brother (m11) told me that he's been touching him right before our wedding

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

TRIGGER WARNING: >!pissible false accusations and mentions of child molestation!<

Original Post - rareddit  Feb 10, 2021

This is a throwaway because I don't want it associated with my main account.

I've been with my SO for the past four years. Parents love him and vice versa, and we went away for a few weeks the summer before 2020's craziness. As our condensed wedding is approaching in the coming weeks, I picked up his brother from sports on a day that he was busy, and he told me that his brother had touched him a few times in recent years, and I pulled over and asked him to tell me what he meant. He didn't want to go into detail too much, but he told me that he's tried to kiss him on the mouth when he was sleeping, along with how he put his stuff against his at times. I asked if he told his parents, and he said that they didn't believe him and told him that he was playing. I asked if he told anyone at school, and he said he did not either.

I have every intention of helping him, since he felt comfortable to tell me what he did for whatever reason, but I know that if I go about it the wrong way, that he can get hurt more or his brother can become defensive. I'm also having a call with my parents tonight too, to hear how they best think we should handle the situation and reporting it to the authorities, but I wanted to potentially hear if anyone has any advice on how to do it in the most protective way possible, assuming it is true, and by his expression, I believe it was.

As for my wedding, I couldn't care less about it. As of right now, it's over and not happening, and while I plan to break up with him, I just want to know how I can do it while best ensuring his safety. I live on my own, and he lives with his parents. I'd break up with his disgusting ass now, but I was curious if there's a way to help him before ending things and potentially separating contact with his family

That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him while I am

Edit: I'm going to talk to my parents tonight about potentially taking him in, and if for whatever reason they can't, I have my own place and can do it as well. As for the police, I'm probably going to get them involved with my parents after talking to them shortly and weighing all of the options, but we will for sure by today or tomorrow the latest

TL;DR: My fiance's younger brother told me that my fiance has been touching him right before our wedding, and I want to know how to best help him before calling everything off and breaking up with him. His parents don't believe him either, and I'm planning to contact the authorities tonight after talking with my parents, but I want to ask for more advice to cover as many angles as I can

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Proud-Pomegranate879

>Every survivor says thank you. The children you would have had with this man say thank you. Remember when people try to get in your head about “ misunderstandings” and “mistakes “ and “attention seeking” to be strong. The one who will pay the price is the 11 year old. He will be crushed without your defense. Be proud of yourself. You’re an amazing person for being his shield. Thanks again.

OOP

>>The shock of how I'm going to have to figure out cancelling the wedding, as well as explaining why and how much to explain, hasn't even kicked in yet, but it's not a priority at the moment, and I'll address that when the time comes. Also slightly/selfishly nervous about some backlash from friends/acquaintances and what they will think, but if they have such things to say, then they're probably not good friends to keep around anyway, although it'll probably still hurt nonetheless. Hoping for the best

~

Shindoblu

>I think the best thing to do is involve the authorities immediately, and try and see if the brother can live with anyone else, unless the parents start believing their eldest son is a vile excuse for a human being. You're probably one of the few people able the help the kid, as his whole family seem awful. See if your parents can help, but definitely report it to the police and block your fiancé (hopefully ex fiancé soon). Make sure the child can contact you or anyone else he trusts before though, because you don't want to leave him isolated in the situation any further.

OOP

>>That's why I wanted to ask before doing anything, since while we're still together, I feel like I still have power to help him. I'll contact them after talking to my parents, since his own parents won't even believe him

Update 1 - rareddit  Apr 13, 2021 (2 months later)

I've lost track of how many times I've deleted and rewrote this, and I don't even know if I'll be able to write out everything in detail even at this point. I be completely honest and say that I'm writing this for myself more than anything right now. I haven't been able to do much of anything for the past two months, and while I appreciate and have looked at the encouraging responses and advice to my first post, I just hate myself now and don't have anyone to talk to, and I've lost a lot of contact with certain friends over the last few weeks, and it's been really embarrassing too and I don't even recognize myself anymore. I know I'm being selfish, but I haven't even been able to go to work without breaking down sometimes, and then there are days that I just can't bring myself to do anything at all, and I honestly don't know how long I'll feel like this

Update

I showed my parents the replies to my post, and we took a lot of the advice that we received after telling them what I wrote out in my last post. But as of right now, my fiance's family is in the process of trying to sue my parents, but there were some things that happened before that

The main thing that stuck out to me from the replies, was to not tell people the exact reason why I wanted to cancel the wedding for numerous reasons. The biggest being to protect the victim first and foremost, and the second because he could turn it around into a slander suit against me and give him a leg to stand on, and my parents agreed that those would be terrible mistakes to make, and I really appreciate everyone who pointed out similar sentiments

So, after I told them, we agreed that we shouldn't waste time because we don't know how long the abuse has been going on or if it is still going on currently, along with how we didn't have much time to cancel the wedding and how we couldn't possibly continue with this now on our minds

We decided to contact the police first and tell them everything that he told me about the touching including the wedding and the best/safest steps to go forward from here, and they were really helpful in telling us what would happen next and taking a lot of the work/stress off of our hands after telling someone with power to do something about it. The police were able to tell us what would happen going forward and answer questions we had regarding CPS and other fears about retaliation from his family and the best order to do things in, and after we talked to them, we spoke to the wedding planner next about cancelling the wedding as well as my fiance and his family with guidelines on how to do it that the police were able to assist with, and my dad was able to quickly search for a lawyer that would be able to advise us on how to go about this and walk us through a lot of it

What happened over the next bit of time, just happened so fast. I'll admit that my parents did the majority of talking to the police and the lawyer and were amazing throughout the process, but after we told my fiance and his family that we wanted to cancel, his parents became really mean and angry at us and began to act defensive when we began to tell them why in addition to the stuff that the police followed up with them on, and they have cut contact and have said that they want to sue for some of the money that they were putting into the wedding, but my parents said that that is the least of our concerns because of this

As I'm writing this right now, I don't know if he lied to me about my fiance touching him, but while I keep telling myself that he was not, my parents are starting to believe that maybe he was, and this is because the police have nothing as I'm writing this, and they said that he hasn't been extremely cooperative. I keep telling myself that maybe he's nervous, but I think he might've got scared and not told them what he told me, but it's been two months later and still nothing more than that

I could write a bit more, and I still might, but I'll probably end with this for the moment because I'm just lost. My dad was really stressed out a couple of nights ago, and that is the main thing that made me frustrated enough to write this post honestly. He asked me "if I had heard him correctly" as if he didn't believe me, and my mom didn't say anything to him when he said that. I know he's been tired and that he's been really stressed at work and has taken some days off too, but he got really angry with me out of nowhere and asked if I was "making it up because I got cold feet" and how "that would be a really shi___ thing to do" and other things, and I don't know where this came from, but I just remember him being so angry at me and hating myself, and the anxiety from all of this is just overwhelming at this point. I don't ever want to get married again, and I don't want anyone to ever touch me again either, and I know I sound like a stupid entitled bi___, but I just think that he's scared, but that his family doesn't believe him, and while I'm not entirely surprised with their reaction, I just get so angry when I think of what dad said to me the other night, and we haven't talked much since he said that with mom there

I feel like I'm destroying our family and their reputation, but I also feel that it's worth it to help him through this, but I just feel so powerless to do anything at this point, and a few of my girlfriends are angry at me for not telling them the reason why I called it off and said a bunch of mean things that I don't even want to write, and I literally don't have anyone to talk to right now. I keep telling myself that dad's just going through a phase and that he's just stressed because they want to sue him, but I just can't get what he said out of my mind and how mom just stood there and didn't say anything to help me, and I literally don't know what to do at this point. I don't regret going to the police, but I don't know how to get over my anxiety and wanted to ask if anyone knew how to do that, or how to just get over that mindset of not wanting to do anything at all. I haven't done anything fun or without this on my mind for literally weeks now, and I just need someone to tell me how to get back to a place of not perfection, but enough of one to be able to not walk around like my body's literally hurting when it's not and your mind just hurts when you think of everything. If there's anyone who's been through a similar down state and somehow got through it, I'm selfishly asking if they can tell me how to get there, because I don't see anything at the light of the tunnel, and I'm scared that nothing further will happen with my fiance's brother and that all we'll have is a lawsuit against my parents that'll make them hate me forever ​ TL;DR: I spoke to the police after speaking with my parents, and from the police to my parent's, everyone's been amazing, but after telling my fiance's family that we didn't want to go through with the wedding after contacting the police and talking to them to gain guidance on how to move forward, they said that they're gonna sue my parents for money that they gave to help with the wedding, and a couple of days ago, my dad kinda turned on me and accused me of making the entire thing up because he's really stressed, but I feel like he really meant it deep down, and I don't know what to do going forward for my own health, and I feel like I'm just going crazy at this point

Nothing has happened in regards to my fiance's brother, and I'm not sure, two months later, if he was able to follow through and tell them what was really going on, and my parents are starting to have doubts about me lying to "get out from having a wedding from cold feet"

RELEVANT COMMENTS

TheBaddestPatsy

>Honey, what was your alternative? Marry a man you think might be touching his brother? Someone is lying, and there’s no way to be certain who it is—but you’ve been brave and made the best decision you can with it. Sometimes when you’re in a bad situation, there’s not a solution that makes it okay. You can only make the best choice out of a lot of bad options.

OOP

>>Don't regret it at all... just trying to get past the loneliness of a first breakup in front of extended family and my girlfriends who are no longer friends with me because I didn't want to tell them the gossip about an 11 year old kid for his own safety, so they said that "maybe we weren't as close as we thought" and ghosted me. I know that's selfish, but I know that I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I had done nothing with what he told me. Just hoping he turns out alright and wondering if I'll ever see him again

Update 2 - rareddit  March 23, 2022 (1 year later)

This is the last time that I'm going to come back to this, but I've been really depressed for most of the last year and have had my mind go to some really dark places too. Its been so many months and I still can't make sense of anything, and I'm beginning to think that I never will. That's what been killing me, and I've tried therapy too, but I still feel down and have no passion most of the time for things that I used to love doing. In my first post that was over a year ago, my fiance's brother told me that my fiance had been touching him when I was driving him back from sports, specifically kissing him and that he hadn't told anyone. After he told me, I told my parents that I believed him and asked for the best course of action, and they agreed that it was best to go to the police as many had also suggested in my first post. I also told them that I didn't want to marry someone who could do such a thing, and a lot of people said that I had made the right choice even with no evidence to want to call things off. However, the next few months have been hell for me

My parents went with me to the police where I told them everything, but dad did most of the talking afterward. They spoke about CPS and how we should handle the cancellation, and dad also helped get a lawyer too. After we told his family that we wanted to cancel following the instructions that our lawyer gave, his parents were upset and even more so after learning about what we had done in going to the police, and they also said that they were going to sue us too. As we went through the process of trying to cancel everything, dad began to question if I had heard him correctly or if I made it up because I had gotten cold feet, but when I asked him why he thought that, he said that his mom told him that and that he had been thinking about it. When I told mom what he said, they got into an argument that led to dad yelling at me for telling her, and they've been distant since. Mom began sleeping in the guest bedroom before moving into her mom's ever since, and I've stayed with her on and off too

Update:

A few weeks after my update post, my dad stopped helping me after a follow-up we received that's made him blame me for essentially destroying their marriage and demanding that I pay him back for what he put out in addition to the stress its caused him too. My ex-fiance's brother (Jason) apparently told one of his friends that he had made it up, and that friend told his parents who told my ex-fiance's parents before it was eventually bought to us. Jason also admitted to making it up which was told to us during a follow-up, and I didn't know what to think at that point. My ex-fiance's dad also took to social media to slam my family, and as of right now, we are still in the process of being sued. Dad has also stopped somewhat talking to me since, and I don't know what to believe honestly. That was pretty much the last thing that happened as we're waiting to see what happens with the suit and everything, but he's basically disowned me and said that he hates me, and my mom has been distant too. I've tried to push through going back to work, but I've been so depressed on some days that I've been talked to by my manager about taking more time off, and I've even received threats from people I don't know about what I did to my ex-fiance and trying to "ruin him" among other things after my ex-fiance apparently contacted my job which just made things stressful too. I've been called a lot of things on my socials too to the point where I've deleted some of them because of it, and a lot of my friends have stopped talking to me too

With so much going on, it's been really tough to do really anything, and I'm lonely most of the time. Dad's hated me for weeks and mom doesn't support me as much as she did before, and I'm still just as depressed about it as I was almost a year ago despite trying therapy and having no passion. I'll ask again and say for the last time that I need help and suggestions on how to really move on because this past year has drained everything from me, and there are some days that I still can't get out of bed. I've lost so much weight since everything too and I can't even stand how I look anymore, and even after blocking my ex everywhere, I still don't feel any better as my doctor is concerned about me too. I apologized along with my mom after hearing what Jason confessed, but my dad refused to apologize and has still been upset with me, and I've been questioning if I did the right thing in taking his concerns to the police and as far as I did and believing him so blindly. I just need help on how to process everything

TL;DR: A little over a year ago, I(f22) broke up with my fiance(m24) after his younger brother told me that he had been touching him and went to the police with my parents, but the kid admitted to making it up and telling another friend who told his parents about it too

FINAL COMMENTS

purple_goat_8138

>Man, there's a lot to unpack here. It sounds like the easiest thing for you to do is to pack up and start fresh somewhere else, away from all that garbage. Are you in a position to be able to do that?

OOP

>>My job has so much going on right now from my ex-fiance's calling them and just how I'm perceived there from others who were going to the wedding who knew me from work, and the insurance through my job for therapy is another knot that's tough because I don't know how I'll afford it without it and especially when my dad wants me to pay him back the money he put out to try and help me, and we're still getting sued by my ex-fiance's family too. I want to move, but don't know how feasible it is or if I'll even get fired with how my performance has dropped too with the threats I've received online (deleted accounts now) on top of everything

~

Suspinach

> Some of these responses are unfeeling towards OP. I think the animosity comes from Reddit's massive fear of false accusations. But there are tons of stories from victims who were shut down by perpetrators' loved ones. > > OP really tried to do the right thing, uprooting her entire life to protect a child. Talking to her SO would just be "keeping it in the family" and risking further abuse by standing idly by. 11-year-olds know how serious sexual accusations are, but no one seems to be holding Jason accountable for lying and contributing to skepticism for actual victims.

OOP

>>A lot of people said that I should've gone directly to Jason's parents after what he told me, but I felt that that was the worst thing to do because in the event that it was true, it would only give them time to cover it or make him silent

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_notrad

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a trad wife then she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when asked?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: >!possible struggles with mental health, entitlement, misogyny, financial exploitation, neglect, possible public humiliation!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: June 5, 2025

I’m 35 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together 15 years. The last couple of years she’s really fell down the trad wife black hole and it’s driving me crazy. At first it started off with her saying she doesn’t want to work anymore and lately it has escalated to saying men who make their wives work are abusive.

We both have well paid jobs. I’m a self-employed builder with a team and earn around £100k a year. She works in management for the NHS and earns around £50k a year. We both work (I guess I should say worked for her) really hard and have no kids and three years ago managed to pay our mortgage off and lived in a nice enough area where I would have happily stayed forever. She, however, suddenly wanted a massive house that we didn’t need. I should have saw what was coming. She was looking at £700k houses which would require a mortgage of £500k after we sold our house.

I gave in and we bought a house. She then wanted a new car which again I caved to and she got a car that is worth more than she earns a year. She then decided she didn’t want to work anymore. She said her job was crap and I said take a lower paid one then that you’ll enjoy more. She said no. She just doesn’t want to work full stop. She also doesn’t want to give up anything she has. Over the past couple of years it has been obvious she is trying to lose her job without leaving despite me saying that I can’t afford the house and car and holidays on my own.

She started bringing this trad wife crap up but said she’d want to hire a cleaner as the house is too big for her to clean alone and she prefers my cooking to hers, so I’ll still do all the cooking! So I said you basically want to dress up pretty and bake the odd cake. She stormed off and said I don’t get it.

She again brought it up yesterday and I said fine she can do it, but she’s got to get up before me and make sure my breakfast is ready like in the videos she watches. she’s got to be dressed as a sexy version of a 50s housewife like in the videos she watches from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. The house must be spotless at all times like in the videos she watches. I want huge packed lunches for work like in the videos she watches. I want to come home and have beautiful pies and cakes ready for pudding like in the videos she watches. I want a bath ran for when I get in and then come down to a proper meal every night like in the videos she watches. I then want a foot rub while I eat the cakes and pies she makes like in the videos she watches. I also want sex on demand, how I want it when I want it, like in the videos she watches.

She called me abusive, a user, sexist etc. and stormed out to her equally delusional sisters house (don’t get me started on her). I’ll be honest I’m ready for divorce if this carries on. AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Get the divorce, mate. It’ll be cheaper and less stressful than dealing with a crazy wife every minute of the day and night. It’s not about the ’tradwife’ lifestyle, she simply doesn’t want to work. She merely wants to sit on her backside, enjoy the things she has badgered you into paying for, and do nothing. There is a lot of this kind of crazy going around. It won’t get any better either. What will it be next? Vacations on the French Riviera? A bigger, nicer, (more expensive) car? The list goes on and on.

> OOP: I am leaning this way mate. I think a divorce is more likely than anything else at this moment in time. Luckily she’s afraid of flying so I’ve managed to avoid the expensive holidays apart from the odd Eurostar trip to Paris. She’s makes me feel like a ten pound millionaire though trying to be something we aren’t. I know we are better off than most, but we don’t earn footballers money which is what I think she aspires to.

Commenter 2: Trad wife is a form of co-dependency. If that’s what you are interested in living like, you do you. But consider what the next 15 years will look like.

Take it from someone whose partner of 20 years is a dependent for health reasons, it’s not the life for everyone. Look inward at your motivations and what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to give up for it. NTA

> OOP: I am leaning toward leaving. I didn’t sign up for codependency.

Commenter 3: You don't mention kids, so I presume there are none. Leave her mate, she's no god, or actually just tell her to figure it out on her own, I bet she comes crawling back pretty quick.

> OOP: We have no kids. I think I’m leaning toward divorce.

Commenter 4: Definitely not the AH. Could y'all go for marital counseling or sum?

> OOP: I’ve asked she is not interested in the slightest.

Commenter 5: You were crazy to agree to the 700k house. You'll be ok, but it makes things so much tougher. If she wanted that, why not save up with the old house and then work up to the new one and both of you work together?

> OOP: That’s what I suggested. With my job we could have bought a cheese house, done it up and made some money and then moved upwards slowly and stayed debt free. I have modified our house a bit and it’s probably worth £800k now but it’s still not a nice feeling having such a big mortgage and knowing she wants me to cover it alone.

OOP on his wife needing to contribute to the relationship and they both could have an affordable lifestyle

> OOP: I agree with you completely. I have no problem with it if it’s an affordable lifestyle. If we stayed at our old house I could afford it. Now we have a £2500 a month mortgage and £700 car payments! That’s 32k a year straight away! > > I think she wants to be a sugar baby, but I don’t want to be a sugar daddy! I want an equal partner.

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Update #1: June 10, 2025 (five days later)

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/CIRJW0L5Ej

I’d like To answer a few questions from my first post before an update.

No my requests were not serious, and I can’t believe how many people thought they were. It was me trying to prove a point of how ridiculous she is being. Like I said in the comments I don’t want a maid or a slave I want a partner.

Before my wife got on this train she was a very ambitious, career driven person who wanted to climb to the top. She was never really on social media until the pandemic. The trad wife thing started a couple of years ago.

A lot of people suggested couples counselling. I’ve asked many times and always get the same response “I don’t need counselling there’s nothing wrong with me”.

On to the update. We spoke Saturday morning and I told her that I can’t go on like this. I said to her bluntly the trad wife thing is never happening and she either accepts it and we go to couples counselling or we split up. I’m don’t dancing around her bullshit. She chose to split up. I asked her if she even really wanted to be a trad wife or if she’s just trying to force me away, like she’s trying to force her job to sack her because she doesn’t have the balls to quit herself. She said yes she does and there’s plenty of dating sites that cater to this dynamic. I told her I’d seen them, and they are more sugar daddy dynamics and without being horrible she’s too old for that.

This set her off. She said I’m wrong and that I’m the one who can’t support my wife so I’m the bad one in the marriage and a real man would be able to give her the life she wants. She was shouting and screaming this at the top of her lungs. It’s about the only time I’ve been glad to be in our new house, so the neighbours didn’t hear. I got a bit petty at the real man comment and said, “you can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have sex, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?” I then stole a comment from my last post and said she doesn’t want to be a trad wife she wants to be a trophy wife.

She just said I’m unbelievable and has gone to her sisters again. I’m going to take the next couple of weeks and start talking to a divorce lawyer to see what this entails. Then once this ball has got rolling I’m fucking off to Portugal for a couple of weeks to myself.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Marriage is a partnership, not a service package. Good luck with your journey towards finding a true equal.

> OOP: Agreed. I want a partnership not a business arrangement.

Commenter 2: Yeah, you two are just not compatible. Good luck with your journey towards finding your other half, who will actually discuss things with you instead of name-calling and gas-lighting.

> OOP: Agreed. It’s heartbreaking. I miss the woman my wife was so much. She was an inspiration to me.

Was there something that triggered the change in OOP's wife?

> OOP: The pandemic when she started spending all day on social media and then seeing her niece make half a million a year from onlyfans. It turned her bitter.

OOP explains on what will happen in the divorce and who gets what

> OOP: Everything will be split 50/50 as per UK law.

Commenter 3: So she doesn’t want to have a job, meaning the household income drops by 50K. But she also wants bigger, better expenses and hired help, on just your income.

This is like “have her checked for a brain tumor” levels of stupidity on her part. You need to get out before she bankrupts you.

> OOP: Yep with the new house and car she’s dropped £550k debt on us then announced she doesn’t plan on working anymore so it’s all on me. When I said ok, but we’ll have to downsize and sell the car she said no. She wants all of it plus help plus no working.

OOP describes his wife's personality before the pandemic

> OOP: She was loving, funny, sweet, kind, fun, ambitious, work hard play hard woman, she was daring and confident. The pandemic came, she spent all day watching videos on her phone and just became really bitter with life and people.

+

> She used to be very attractive but, I feel awful saying this, she’s had a lot of lip fillers, Botox, fake boobs and she’s lost a lot of her looks. I look at photos of her from 4-5 years ago and she was glowing with happy eyes and a beautiful smile. Now it’s all gone. I look at her twin sister, who she calls old looking, and I think she looks so fresh.

Has OOP asked for anything from his wife?

> OOP: I didn’t ask anything. She asked for more. She wanted a bigger house and a nicer car. She’s the one who wanted to stop having sex and said if she ever wanted ANY physical contact she’d initiate, and I’m not allowed to. She’s the one who asked for everything. I never asked for anything.

OOP on the alimony in his area

> OOP: We don’t have that here.

Commenter 4: So this is her midlife crisis. Neat. Fun fact: a lot of women who are in perimenopause (her age) go through this.

That doesn't excuse it and you definitely need couples therapy even if you do wind up divorcing.

> OOP: She got tested about six months ago. All hormone levels are fine.

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Update #2: August 17, 2025 (two months later from Update #1)

UPDATE 2: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a tradwife she always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when I ask?

I’m 35 my ex-wife is 40 and we have no kids.

About two and a half months ago I posted about my wife leaving me because I refused to live the tradwife lifestyle.

In my original post I mentioned the big house and car she got me in debt for over half a million pounds and then decided she didn’t want to work anymore.

Starting with the car. After she left I took half our savings and half the money in our joint account and put it in my own bank account. I told her to take the rest (around £60k), and she can either pay off the car with the money or keep the money, and I’ll take the car back as it’s in my name. She said neither she’s keeping both. This has been a struggle that ended with me having to ring the police to assist me in taking the car back. I got there and the police were already there. My ex was crying, the two police officers looked at me like I was a piece of shit, my sister in law was shouting “yeah take her independence and go back to your mansion while she sleeps in the spare room” the neighbours were all out looking. I very nearly caved and told her to just keep it but it’s £1.5k a month I can’t warrant. I took it, sold it, and had to pay £12000 difference in what I owed on it. I’ll be honest I was expecting worse.

Now the house. We paid £700k for it with 200 down. I’ve spent about 100 on it doing it up and when I got valued I was pleasantly surprised at £1m and even more surprised that within two weeks of it going on the market it’s sold to one of my neighbours! A lovely Indian family who had asked me to work on their house, but they said it’s just easier to move in to mine! They do however want me to build a granny annex on the side once they’ve completed the purchase. That’ll be another couple of months yet but we’ll both walk away with around £250k each and I’ll be looking to buy a house for around £200k so I’ll be back to mortgage free and debt free in a couple of months!

On to my wife. She’s still living at her sisters and as far as I’m aware hasn’t found anyone who wants a 40 year old tradwife who doesn’t cook, clean, or have sex. She has asked me back twice, but I’ve said no. One was a drunken proposition the other one more heartfelt. It’s too late now though. We’ve already started the divorce proceedings and that should be done early next year.

All I’ve been doing is working and plodding along. Nothing else I really can do. I thought I’d update because I still get 10-20 messages a week asking how I’m doing, and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Relevant Comments

**Commenter 1: ** She has no one to blame but herself. And maybe TikTok. Good for you! Better luck next wife. > > Commenter 2: The sad thing for the good women out there is there's a good chance op won't want another wife or serious relationship. > > There are a lot of men like him that just never get serious again. > > So when a good woman asks where the good men are, the answer is the same as most of the good women, taken or not all that interested after being hurt. >> >> OOP: At this moment in time that is what I’m thinking. I’m thinking just stay alone and just get someone casual for going out for dinner or the cinema or to go on holiday with a couple of times of year.

OOP clarifies on his ex's sister's background

> OOP: Sister is a single mum who lives on benefits.

Commenter 3: Just saying people like your wife won the lottery taking 1/2 while not contributing anywhere near 1/2 .

> OOP: She worked for a lot of years and earned good money. It’s only the last couple of years she’s turned this way.

OOP on his ex's health wise and if she had been tested

> OOP: I was genuinely worried she had a brain tumour or something but turns out she was just brain washed.

> Yeah she’s been for all sorts of tests etc. and all clear.

Commenter 4: So she has £250k with which to start her new life? I feel like this divorce still worked out well for her, even though she isn't going to live her trad wife dreams.

> OOP: I’m sure she’ll have burnt through it in a year or two. The last couple of years she’s been spending money like a drunken sailor.

Downvoted Commenter: Taking half the money before the divorce financial remedy settlement isn't wise. If she spends her half completely and rocks up to financial remedy hearing with nothing to her name, she's still entitled to half of what's in husband's account as it was earned as a matrimonial asset. Doesn't matter who spent what before the hearing. Its what's available in the pot and what debt there is on the day of the hearing, along with future housing needs.

> OOP: Here in the uk I’ve been assured that the documents we signed when we split are legally binding and cannot be contested.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: May 2, 2026 (over 8.5 months later from Update #2)

I’m 36 ex-wife is 41. No kids involved.

This all started about a year ago. I still have people asking for updates which really appreciate so I’ll post one here. I tried on AITAH but for some reason it wouldn’t post. I don’t know if I’ve been banned or something. I’ll post on my profile and hope people see it.

So the divorce is now finalised. We agreed to split the profits from the house, and we’d have got about £230k each after fees etc. Then about a week before it was all ready to go through she decided she as entitled to half my business too. She argued she help me grow it and I couldn’t do it without her. When challenged she didn’t even know the address for the yard and couldn’t name a single one of my employees. Didn’t prove anything though and it was getting messy and looking like I’d have to give her something because it started and grew while we were married. In the end we agreed she could keep all the spare money from the sale of the house, and we’d call it quits at that.

My plans to buy a cheaper house with half the equity from the house and live mortgage free were now up in smoke. I left with no money from the house I paid for and modernised and shed already had half the bank account and half the savings and I had to pay 12 grand out of my own pocket when I cancelled the finance agreement on her that I was paying for.

Feeling down I did something spontaneous. I bought a plot of land, moved a big static caravan on there and lived in there while I’m building my own house on my own plot of land. There’s no rush to do it and I can just plod along at my own pace.

My ex is still living with her sister but also has a young boyfriend in Egypt she met on holiday so is spending her time between her sisters and there. She doesn’t work still is just living on the half a million or so she got from me.

I don’t really do much other than work and build my house. Just trying to rebuild my life. The lads at work really help me they are a great bunch. They keep trying to set me up on dates etc. but I’m a bit too scared I think. I’ve not really spoke to anyone since it all happened. A couple of women on here messaged me and sent me some helpful pictures which I appreciated though so thank you for that lol.

All in all thank you everyone for your kind words and reaching out you all really helped me and made me realise I wasn’t going crazy.

Thank you 🙏.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Critical-Willow-6270

Originally posted to r/atheism

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: My boss wants to us to pray with him

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: >!hostile workplace, discrimination!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: April 6, 2026

I've had my job for about five years now. I love my co-workers, they're great to work with and fun to be around.

Very recently our former boss got a new and better job and we wished her well because she was an amazing person and fantastic leader. Obviously we were sad to see her go.

Now we have a new boss and today he decided that we were all going to eat lunch together at the same table. Weird, but ok. He told us to join hands, bow our heads, and say a prayer before we could start our lunch.

Needless to say, I freaked out and told him that I didn't want to do that because I don't believe in God and that it makes me uncomfortable. He just shook his head and said "Well that's too bad. You might want to change your mind about that."

WTF does that mean? Can I be fired for this nonsense? Why is religion being shoved into every facet of life?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Yuck, I’d guess it depends on where you live. America? A red state? Right to work state? If you have your old bosses number id call them and see who to call to go above this bs, so far it’s not legal to force prayer.

> OOP: I live in Texas, so you never know what's legal or not, especially concerning religion.

Commenter 2: He is now going to take steps towards coming up with some bullshit ass reason firing you legally. in the name of Jesus. This is why I'm like Gustavo Fring from breaking bad with my atheism. I'll do all the silly songs and dances, but it won't mean anything. Because unfortunately most of the entire foundation of what runs the world believes in useless dogma

> OOP: I wish I could upvote this a million times for a Breaking Bad reference and your amazing username (love one piece)

Commenter 3: How did this person make it to being a boss doing something so wildly unprofessional. Go to your HR department immediately.

> OOP: That's what I'd like to know. I'm going to HR tomorrow.

Commenter 4:

> Can I be fired for this nonsense?

If you live in the US, the answer is yes. At-will employment wins out over anti-discrimination laws all the time. All he needs is a pretense to fire you, and you're gone. The bar for proving discrimination is so high that he'd have to pretty much write a confession that he fired you for being an atheist and send that confession to someone in an email so that it's accessible during discovery.

> OOP: I just think it's a pretty ridiculous reason to fire someone because I felt uncomfortable with forced prayer.

Commenter 5: The problem is that they can fire you for a million things. How big is the company and what state?

> OOP: Pretty big company and it's Texas (ugh).

Commenter 6: There's always my personal grace before a meal:

> Food is good. Thank you food for dying so that we could eat.

You can try saying that before the prayer really begins as a way to preempt the prayer.

Team lunches can be a thing. But, prayer should not be required. Try reporting him to HR for creating a hostile work environment.

Depending on where you are, that may backfire though.

> OOP: I will, thank you. I love having lunch with my coworkers so this was kind of a bummer. But they were weirded out by it too, so there's that.

&nbsp;

Update #1: April 8, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE: My boss was admonished by higher ups after they spoke with me and my coworkers.

Hi everyone. I just thought that I'd give an update on the situation involving a lunch prayer with my boss.

After speaking with myself and my co workers who backed me up, he was given a stern warning and has apologized to us.

Thanks for everyone who commented on my original post and showed support/gave advice.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Higher ups terrified of arbitration.

> OOP: That's the truth! Even the way they responded to us reeked of "we don't want a lawsuit".

Commenter 2: It's a win, but I'd expect some kind of retaliation if I were you.

> OOP: At this point I wouldn't be surprised at anything because that forced apology probably pissed him off more.

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---

#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 13, 2026 (one month later)

I thought I'd like to share an update about my situation in which my boss made us pray with him during lunch.

After the first time it happened, he was admonished by his superior and apologized to us. A couple of weeks later, he decided to start "reevaluating" those of us who spoke out against the lunch prayers. Mind you, we've already had our evaluations and weren't due for another for a few months. It was starting to feel like retaliation.

So, we again reported him and apparently it was agreed that his actions were "inappropriate" and he was let go by the company.

So thank you for the advice and support!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I would have asked him to explain why his prayer thing was rejected by people instead of an apology.

> OOP: Tbh, his "apology" sucked and we were not impressed.

Commenter 2: He'll make more from his "legal defense fund" go fund me page in a month than he would in the next 2 years.

> OOP: I wouldn't be surprised. There's too many religious nuts around here.

Commenter 3: I’d watch out for further retaliation. You’ve just given a nutter a whole bunch of free time.

> OOP: Yeah some of us have already changed our phone numbers because we were getting calls from him and his (allegedly) grown son.

Commenter 4: Sadly, I fear this former boss will achieve martyr status among the Christian Nationalist crowd and litigate his “wrongful termination” to the max in civil court. If so, I hope he isn’t successful.

> OOP: One of my friend's mom told me we should've gone to the media with this. I think she's right.

Commenter 5: Thank you for sharing this wonderful update! Glad your company does not condone his nonsense.

> OOP: It took them about a month and also a possible retaliation but in the end they did the right thing.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/OrdinaryNormal2505

AITA for telling my sister to stay home from a trip she is paying for?

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Editors Note: changed the initials L & M to Laura & Michelle for easier reading

**TRIGGER WARNING: >!Cancer!<

Original Post  May 11, 2026

Ok a bit of background. I (33 F) have two older sisters. Laura (44 F) and Michelle (43 F). Michelle is a cancer survivor. Michelle has never gone on a trip outside of the US. and she has recently hit a big milestone. 5 years in remission. Laura and I decided that in celebration we wanted to take Michelle on her first international trip.

I want to be clear that I do love Laura a lot. she really is a sweet person. When Michelle was going through treatment she helped pay some of her medical bills. watched the kids so her husband could always be at the hospital with her when she was there and be able to take care of her. she bought groceries for her neighbor for a year during the pandemic and if you need something she's there.

HOWEVER, she is a horrible travel companion. She  wants to be in charge and complains about everything. We went on 1 trip together and it was miserable

The problem started when deciding where to go. Laura suggested a trip to the UK or Ireland. Which she and I have been to before. I pointed out that while it was nice place to visit and Michelle would appreciate it...We should go to Thailand and let Michelle plan the trip instead, and here's why...

• Michelle has always wanted to go to Thailand. Like since before she even graduated from high school. she has an entire Pinterest board labeled Thai Dream Vacation. she has learned thai over the years in preparation. She isn't fluent as a native speaker but is conversationally fluent.

• She and her husband were planning on going 8 years ago...then she was diagnosed with cancer...and medical bills pretty much depleted the vacation fund pretty quick.

• Michelle wants to go to thailand and this is a trip...for her.

I had to put my foot down as this is Michelle's trip

Since then Laura has brought up multiple issues

• Michelle planned the whole trip. It's very food based. A lot of it centers around trying all the food, taking cooking classes in the different regions, shopping, temple tours, beach days but Laura feels that  because the two of us are paying for it we should be the ones planning it

• Laura wanted to have an elephant day experience and wasn't happy that the one Michelle picked was a sanctuary that did not do feeding bathing and physical interaction with the elephants

• Michelle planned a spa day in each area we travel  Laura thinks this is a waste of time and money.

• Laura hate's hot weather, She is already complaining about how hot it is going to be.

• Laura is upset so much of the food budget is being spent on  street food, markets, local restaurants.

I sat her down the other day and asked her if she was just  going because she felt obligated. I said that if she wanted to stay home she could and we would totally understand, but this was Michelle's trip and if she was going to go she needed to stop complaining about everything because I wasn't going to let her ruin it for Michelle.

Michelle feels bad and has offered to change the itinerary and let her be in charge for half of the trip.

So am I the AH for setting Laura off by telling her to stay home?

Edit- I was unclear Laura is not paying for the whole trip. She is paying for half of Michelle's part of the trip and her own part. we do not expect her to pay anything if she doesn't go and I never suggested it.

VERDICT: ASSHOLE

RELEVANT COMMENTS

beeeeeebee

> Slight YTA - for wanting your sister to pay for a vacation but expecting her to have no preferences or to stay home. > > If the goal of this trip is a sisters trip celebrating Michelle's remission, it needs to be a trip that appeals to all sisters. It’s totally reasonable to have Michelle pick the location but it sounds like you’ve made no effort to pick things Laura would also enjoy - which is pretty rude ESPECIALLY if you’re expecting her to foot the bill.  It doesn’t have to be all or nothing - pick some activities or dedicate some days to places Laura would also enjoy.  She may be difficult to travel with… but I’m a pretty go-with-the-flow traveler and I’d still be annoyed to get no input in a vacation I’m paying for and spending valuable vacation time on.

Commenter

>>Exactly. Like how hard would it be to pick an elephant sanctuary that Laura would want instead? And a spa in every town does sound like a bit much of the same. >> >>There’s a wide gap between making this a trip for Michelle and not accommodating Laura ’s preferences at all.

OOP

>>>Because the sanctuary's she wanted to go to weren't ethical and can be dangerous to the animals and the human.

~

pumpkinbubbles

>More info: Is Michelle really as upset by Laura as you are or are you using 'Michelle's wishes' as some sort of proxy for your own issues with Laura? It seems like a person who has beaten cancer would be strong enough to speak up for herself. Perhaps Michelle is being bulldozed by Laura but perhaps she values traveling with her sisters (both you AND Laura) more than setting 100% of the itinerary.

OOP

>>Reading these replies and replying im begining to think L and I may have gotten so caught up with both of us going back and forth with each other and that we might have not been listening to Michelle.

Update  May 13, 2026 (2 days later)

I would like to say first...yes...I was TA in this situation. Thank you for giving me a different perspective, as well as all the suggestions.

Ok so some clarification before the update.

Yes Laura was paying for herself and part of Michelle's portion of the trip BUT I never asked or expected her to pay if she didn't go. I wasn't disinviting her with the expectation of her still funding the trip. I was suggesting that if she really didn't want to go she shouldn't because it wouldn't be fair for her or Michelle.

We are going to be there for three weeks. 1 massage a week at the hotel the day before we travel to the next location hardly seems that excessive.

Laura did help in planning (picking hotels and activities) Her complaints were about not wanting to do what Michelle and I wanted to do because she wanted us to stay together the whole time.

Ethical elephant sanctuaries mean you do not touch or interact with the elephants. Michelle found one where you Observe only. Laura was not happy because she wanted to bath with the elephants. That was never going to happen.

On to the update.

Laura and I met up for lunch today and I apologized for how I handled things and being so "This is Michelle's trip and she gets to decide only and if you don't like it stay home." about everything.

Yes I was the AH.

We had a pretty big conversation about the whole situation that included opening up about what we both thought this trip was for (celebrating with Michelle vs a sister trip) and decided that Laura is not going on the trip, And neither am I.

This dream vacation was supposed to be for Michelle to celebrate her recovery and give her the trip she lost because of cancer.

And that trip...was with her husband. So we are gifting her and her hubs their three week Thai dream and while they are gone we will be taking care of the niblings. and I can say that I am REALLY grateful for Laura in this situation. she is famously the most fun aunt ever and I have no idea what to do with four teenagers for three weeks other than feed them.

Long story short

The three of us are sisters. we love each other. Laura and I haven't really ever opened up about how watching our sister go through something that might have killed affected us and we were both trying in our own way to show her how much we loved her, but we went about it the wrong way.

FINAL COMMENTS

Travena_Ice

> Wow that sounds like the best solution. Yes it was Michelle's dream vacation with her husband and it is absolutly great that you can offer her and him that. And that you are looking after the kids during that time. She realy has the best sisters. > > Maybe it is possible to take a short sister-trip somewhere that you all like before or after

Ill_Abrocoma3958

>>And let’s not overlook the husband’s side of this! Usually, these family dramas drag the spouses down, but he gets a front-row seat to how incredible his in-laws are. OP basically won "Sister of the Decade" with this move.

OOP

>>> He really is great and after talking about everything Laura and I both felt like AH's to him as well and apologized earlier when we told them the new plan. We both got so caught up in our feelings over feeling like we almost lost our sister and being so afraid that the cancer might return someday and we would still lose he that we didn't really step back and think about what he went through and is still going through as well. >>> >>> He said letting them be teenager free for 3 weeks on the other side of the world makes up for that though so. >>> >>> lol

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/sunflower92828

Am I overreacting about my nanny family having sex during the day?

Originally posted to r/Nanny

Thanks to u/Toketsupuurin for help with the comments

MOOD SPOILER: >!Crazy!<

Original Post Oct 31, 2025

Hi everyone, I’m a full time nanny for a stay at home mom with an 8 month old baby. The baby is honestly perfect, so sweet and happy, naps great. I’ve been with the family for about 7 months now. The mom and dad are both amazing employers. They’re super nice to me, the mom gets me Starbucks and açaí bowls, even makes me lunch sometimes. I make $32 an hour with great benefits in a MCOL area, so overall this is a dream job.

Here’s my only issue. I’m pretty sure the parents are having sex during the dad’s lunch break, maybe every day or every other day. They go to their room and I never see anything inappropriate, but sometimes I hear what I think might be the bed moving. It’s not loud or anything, just enough to make me realize what’s going on. Afterward, her hair is messy, clothes changed, that kind of thing.

Today I asked the mom what she was up to when she came out of the room, and she didn’t really say much. I kind of jokingly said, “Oh, were you napping?” and she got a little red and awkward. That pretty much confirmed it for me.

I know they’re married adults and it’s their house, but it still makes me feel a little uncomfortable since I’m there taking care of their baby. They’re not being disrespectful or obvious, but it just feels weird.

Would it be totally out of line to ask them not to do that while I’m working? Or am I overreacting and should just let it go? They really are such a great family and I don’t want to make things awkward if this is just me being overly sensitive.

What would you do?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

SnooTangerines

>You are over reacting. I don’t think you should make comments to them about what they are doing behind closed doors. I personally feel you should not ask them not to do “that” you’re overstepping and making it an issue. You said they aren’t loud nor making it obvious. Adults do adult things.

OOP

>>But I’m working. You don’t think it’s disrespectful to fuck while someone’s taking care of your kids under your roof.. it’s making me uncomfortable. They both go in the bedroom and come out messy hair and smiley. It makes me feel weird

New-Philosopher-2558

>I mean, good for them. Many parents end up hating each other during the baby years. These guys are lucky they can afford a nanny and maintain a healthy sex life! They treat you well, you can’t actually hear anything so I would not be making things awkward.

OOP

>>It’s very awkward. They both come down smiley and happy and in a good mood. Like guys I know what you just did. You just had sex..

LucyfromKzoo

>Then quit.

OOP

>>This is super good paying job. The parents are beyond nice. This is the only flaw . I still think maybe I should mention it and maybe they’ll stop fucking during my workday

~

AppropriateUsual7711

>why are you this concerned about your NPs lives and their comings and goings IN THEIR OWN HOME??? read a book, rearrange the diaper holder, literally anything other than making your NPs embarrassed in THEIR HOUSE. THEY OWN.

OOP

>>It’s weird because like she’s so giddy after having had sex. Mood shifter. Happy. It’s odd. Like it puts it even more in my face oh I got laid

OOP Added in a similar comment

>>I think it’s weird for adults to be having sex everyday or every other day. There’s other ways to support a relationship

~

SnooTangerines

>Concentrate on your job which is the baby not what the parents are doing!

OOP

>>The baby is napping at this time usually

~

fieryvirgo

>I personally would feel like they shouldn’t be having sex while I’m at WORK. BUT, I also wouldn’t say anything. It’s their home!!! I’d feel weird about it too, but because it’s their home your hands are tied.

OOP

>>I guess I shouldn’t have said anything. I’m shocked how many people would be fine with them fucking while you’re at their house…

How old is OOP

>I’m 28 years old and have been a nanny for a decade

Update to my nanny family having sex during day Nov 2, 2025

That Friday morning I told my MB I wanted to talk during the baby’s nap, and she said okay. I brought up how uncomfortable I felt about what I thought was going on, and mentioned how I could sometimes hear or notice things that made me think they were having sex while I was there. I told her it made me uncomfortable, and that’s when everything went downhill.

She was very direct with me. She said my only job was to take care of the baby, not to worry about what she and her husband were doing. She told me if I had downtime I could watch TV or read a book.

I told her it just seemed weird that she’d come out with messy hair or different clothes, and she explained that sometimes they do workout videos in their room, sometimes it’s sex, sometimes cuddling, and sometimes her just napping. She said whatever happens in her bedroom is none of my business.

After that, things got really quiet. She wasn’t mean, but I could tell she was uncomfortable and hurt. Then she told me I could go home for the day, and I just knew that meant I was done.

Later she texted saying they were going to move in another direction, and that was it.

I feel horrible. I know I crossed a boundary, and I regret bringing it up so much. I miss them terribly, the money was amazing, my MB was so kind, and their baby was absolutely perfect. I really wish I could fix this and somehow get my job back.

How do I get my job back?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

No_Assignment_1990

>You're allowed to feel disappointed that you messed up but you need to understand that this was your fault and it's your job to take the consequences.

OOP

>>I regret it now. I’m hoping they can forgive me. But everything else pays like $22-$23. They were giving me $32 and so nice . I’m realizing I messed up

No_Assignment_1990

>>>You need to let the idea of forgiveness go. You are only hurting yourself by hanging on. The job is a loss, end of story. You will find something new. Next time if you love a job so much, don't jeopardize it.

OOP

>>>>You don’t think it’s worth a try? They are Christian and believe in God. Christian’s believe in forgiveness

Some advice OOP was given

>I am getting messages saying I should file a police report for sexual harassment in the work place

thataverysmile

>>Dude, do not do that. I saw that comment and the person is insane. You do not have a case. Also, what do you want here? You either want your job back, or you want them in trouble? You think they'll give you your job back if you call the police on them?

Final update to… my nanny parents were having sex. I lost my unicorn family Nov 3, 2025

I sent a text message to my MB on Sunday morning, and she responded this morning saying she forgives me, and that she hopes I take this as a learning experience, but they will not hire me back, I miss her so much, she said she talked to her husband about everything, and they decided to give me a month’s pay until I find a new job, I honestly didn’t expect that, it was really kind of them even after everything that happened, I miss my unicorn family so much, I was completely in the wrong, and I take full responsibility for that, I know I hurt people who trusted me, and that’s something I have to live with and learn from, I will not be filing any sexual harassment report, the people who were telling me to do that were not giving me good advice, and I will be keeping my distance from them from now on, I miss my nanny baby so much, I can’t believe I won’t be going back, it breaks my heart because they were such a big part of my life, I keep replaying everything in my head and wondering if there’s anything I could say or do to make things right, I know trust once broken is hard to fix, but I wish I could show them how much I’ve grown and how truly sorry I am,

I’m trying to find a new job now, and honestly everyone’s been so rude, it’s been really hard, I can’t believe my old employers still paid me $5200 after letting me go, that was so generous of them, I really didn’t deserve it after everything that happened, to be honest maybe part of the problem was that I was a little jealous of her, she’s a stay at home mom, beautiful, only 28, rich, has this gorgeous home, and her and her husband are truly happy, she’s such a good mom, and it just felt like she had this perfect life, her dream life, and I’m the same age, and I think that made me feel small in ways I didn’t even realize at the time, I hate admitting that, but it’s true,

now I just feel so lost, I miss them so much, I keep wishing I could go back and do things differently, I know I can’t, but I still hope one day I can find a family even half as good as them, I don’t know if I should try reaching out again down the road or just accept that it’s over and move on, part of me wants to hold onto hope, but part of me knows I need to respect their decision, any advice on what I can do to maybe get them back or should I just leave it and start fresh, I’m really debating and feeling lost about what the right thing to do is,

learn from my mistakes guys, don’t leave a good family, let everything go, don’t let jealousy or pride get in the way of something real, some things just aren’t worth losing the people who truly care about you, appreciate what you have before it’s gone,

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MissionAtmosphere16

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for cutting my wife's stepmother off from my kids until she deletes her Instagram account?

Trigger Warnings: >!invasion of privacy, emotional manipulation!<

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Original Post: January 3, 2025

My wife and I have two children (8M and 5F) and we’re expecting a third. Since our eldest was born, we have been clear and consistent about not wanting pictures of them posted online. It was my wife’s idea, but still a mutual decision.

Most of our friends and family have no problem with that, but we’ve had problems with my wife’s stepmother. She has, on several occasions, posted photos of our children on her Instagram account without our consent. Most are harmless (pictures of her with them or family photos with more people in them), but there have been a few times she took pictures of the kids behind their backs and posted them.

Every time we see a photo of our children on her Instagram page, we tell her to delete it. She always does, but the next time she sees them, it happens again. We have been having this discussion with her since our daughter was born. She never listens.

Anyway, my family spent New Year’s Eve at a rented beach house with some of my wife’s paternal family. We returned home on Jan. 1st. That same day, my wife’s stepmother posted several pictures from the trip. Buried between them were three photos of our kids on the beach. They’re both wearing swimsuits and (except for one of the pictures) don’t seem aware they’re being photographed.

My wife and I talked, and we both agreed we’ve given her stepmother enough chances. As long as she’s active on social media, she will continue posting pictures of our children without our consent.

We called her yesterday and said that she won’t be allowed to see our kids unless she deletes her Instagram account. That means she won't have any kind of contact with them, receive pictures or be invited to their events.

She cried during the call, and tried to promise us she would delete the New Year’s Eve post and never do anything like this again, but we told her we can’t trust her. She can keep her account if she wants to, but she won’t be allowed near our kids if she does.

My father-in-law (who is also against posting pictures of children on social media) called my wife last night. He agreed that her stepmother crossed a line, but said cutting her off from our children was an exaggeration. He said she has just started to make money with social media, but she also loves our kids very much, and it's cruel to force her to choose.

I don’t think we’re in the wrong here, but I’m still worried we’re taking this too far. AITA?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the unanimous votes of NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You've been telling her to stop doing this for FIVE YEARS? NTA.

> OOP: She started doing this around the same time my daughter was born. She eased up during the pandemic (though it was probably because we barely sent her pictures of them then), but went back to it as soon as she started seeing the kids again.

Commenter 2: How exactly is she sneaking pics if you are supervising? It's sounds more and more like you just don't like your in-laws and want to phase them out. You are going to wreck your marriage if your wife is even remotely close to her parents and you force this.

> OOP: She once took a picture of my daughter while she was pretending to text her mother. She finds a way. > > I have nothing against my in-laws (I actually get along well with FIL). My wife is not close with her stepmother, and I wouldn't cut ties with FIL without consulting her first. She is completely on my side.

Downvoted Commenter: What’s the point of grandkids if you can’t show off a picture of them or with them? I’m a parent of two daughters and as long as it’s family oriented photo with clothes on I could care less what my family posts. Why do you suck the joy out of the grandparents for harmless photos?

> OOP: The point of grandkids is absolutely not posting pictures of them online. And the second a picture of my child is posted without my consent, it's no longer harmless.

Commenter 3: Nta. If you think it might be genuine, give another shot. Seems like this time it struck a nerve. Maybe she will remember. What is your wife’s relationship like with her dad and step mom? Seems like that would be a relevant part of this discussion.

> OOP: I don't think it's genuine. She's been apologizing and saying she'd stop for 5 years. I've heard a hundred different excuses for posting pictures of my children ("It was an accident", "I forgot you guys didn't like this", "It was so cute, I couldn't help myself"). > > My wife is not close with her stepmother (she started dating FIL when my wife was 20).

Commeneter 4: So make the policy no cell phones while children are there. If she takes out her cell phone the visit ends. Or have them come visit at your home and ask for cell phones to be put in a basket until they leave. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. How is her father supposed to see the children without his wife? It will cause problems in their marriage if he does, possibly divorce. How will it impact your wife and kids if they never see your father in law again? There are repercussions for such drastic measures.

> OOP: Prohibiting cell phones has already been suggested here, and I'd be willing to discuss this with my wife. That said, FIL can absolutely see my kids without his wife. And if we do have to cut ties with her, I'd expect him to.

Is OOP's wife willing to cut her father off if he doesn't respect the boundaries?

> OOP: You don't know my wife. > > My kids don't think of my wife's stepmother as a grandparent. They'd be upset about my FIL, but we know how to talk to them about this.

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Update: January 22 2025 (2.5 weeks later)

Hey folks. I thought I’d give you an update.

I think I got into a lot of detail in the comments, but I feel like I should mention the following:

• My wife’s stepmother is 45. I’m not “bullying the elderly” here.

• She has 60k followers on Instagram.

• Her Instagram account is not focused solely on my children. She started out as a “lifestyle” blogger. A few years ago, she started posting “family stuff” as well, and now at least half of her content revolves around that.

• She tries to post pictures of my kids every time she takes them. Almost every time we see her, she posts a new picture. She has also posted more photos of my daughter than of my son.

• Both me and my wife are on Instagram, but not very actively. She has a private account and another one for her job. I only have my personal account, in which I rarely post anything. Neither of us have ever posted our children’s faces in any of these accounts.

• My wife doesn’t see her stepmother as a parent (she started dating my father-in-law when my wife was 20), and they’re not very close. My children don’t see her as a grandmother, either.

• This isn’t about me looking for a reason to cut ties with my in-laws. I get along very well with my wife’s father, and besides her behavior concerning social media, I have no problem with her stepmother. I really shouldn’t have to explain why me and my wife don’t want pictures of our children online.

• If you are a parent who has no problem with others posting photos of your kids, that’s fine. I’m not here to change your mind, nor would I attempt to if I were. Your decisions regarding your children are your own, as are mine.

• None of us live in the United States.

I read your comments and talked things through with my wife. As upset as we are about this, we feel the need to deal with it fairly. So we have to take into consideration that:

1. Her stepmother’s account is not focused solely on our children; and

2. We had never threatened her with loss of contact before, so our ultimatum might have been too sudden.

That said, we are still not comfortable with our children being posted on social media, and we regret not effectively stopping this sooner. So however we move forward, we need to make it clear that we are serious about this boundary.

A few days ago, my wife and I met her father and stepmother at their place. We left the kids with my wife’s mother. We sat them down and told them we’d retract the ultimatum, but we don’t trust her stepmother not to sneak pictures of our children again.

We decided to propose something many of you suggested: a no-phone policy (which we would ALL abide by) whenever my wife’s stepmother saw our kids. She also would no longer receive any pictures of them from anyone. And if she ever posted a photo of our children anywhere again, then we would cut her off from them.

My father-in-law agreed right away, but his wife got offended. She said we couldn’t control how she used her phone. She tried to promise us she’d stop posting the kids again, but we said no. We can’t trust her anymore, and we have no intention of giving her more chances.

The four of us had an argument about this. My father-in-law mostly took our side. It lasted a while. My wife’s stepmother started by apologizing, but eventually started trying to defend herself. She told us she always thought we were overreacting, and that lots of people post pictures of their children online everyday without any problems.

We asked her why she was so insistent on posting pictures of our kids. She tried to dodge the question at first, but she admitted that posts with the kids got more engagement. She used the New Year’s post as an example. It was only up for a little over 24 hours before she took it down, but she claimed it was one of her most successful posts ever. When I asked her why she thought that had happened, she said it was because the kids “looked so cute in them.”

My wife looked at her stepmother and said “No, it’s because they’re barely dressed in them. You cannot convince us that a photo of our five-year-old daughter in a swimsuit is getting attention from thousands of strangers because she’s cute. Either you’re an idiot, or you know what you’re doing by posting these pictures.”

She started crying. She said her content was wholesome, her followers were good people, and we had no right to control her like that. My father-in-law was silent.

That’s when we gave up. We told her to keep her Instagram, but accept she is losing access to our kids. She tried more excuses (including “some of my followers think they’re my kids,” which my wife is especially furious about), but we stood our ground and went home.

My father-in-law called me and my wife later that night. He told us he was disappointed in his wife and was taking our side. We’re not sure how to deal with him. Neither of us want to cut him off, but we’re not certain we can trust him. My wife just told him we needed some space, and he said that was fine.

I’m exhausted, and my wife is doing even worse. But we've spoken about this, and we’re both also relieved. We’ve still got work to do, but nothing we can’t handle. For now, we have two amazing children and a baby on the way, and they will always be our #1 priority.

Thank you for all your support. I’m busy with the kids, so I can’t promise I’ll reply to as many comments this time, but I’ll do my best.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Still NTA. You’re not wrong to want to keep your kids images/info off the internet, my wife and I feel the same way about our kids. There are too many creeps/predators out there to take chances.

> OOP: We made that decision when our son was a toddler. The more stories we hear about what can happen to these pictures, the more we're convinced it was the right decision.

Commenter 2: Bruh, her account is public?? She’s pretending to be their mom?! Yeah step MIL is cut off. I’m deciding for you. I’m not even as restrictive with my kids pics, as long as my family has private accounts, I don’t mind. (No one has all that many followers and the ones they do are all people I know personally. We aren’t big on social media really). But damn, even with private accounts, I would still be uncomfortable with my 4 yr in a swimsuit on someone’s page. And then if anyone tried to claim fame by being my kids mom, I would just believe they’ve truly lost it. Unstable people have no room to be around my kids. NTA!!!

> OOP: She didn't really get into the "some of my followers think they're my kids" thing (that was literally all she said), but I'm inclined to believe it was more of a mistake she didn't correct than an actual lie she told them. My wife and I saw every post she made of our children, and she never claimed they were hers in the description.

Commenter 3: Did you make her delete all the existing pictures of them?? NTA of course.

> OOP: We made her delete every picture she ever posted of them. My wife would check her account frequently to make sure.

Commenter 4: You did your due diligence by offering to hear her out and find a middle ground solution. Then she revealed that not only does she have no intention of respecting your boundaries (because that’s the only reason to question and minimize them like she did), she’s been misleading people into thinking those are her children. I hope you’re now completely comfortable in permanently denying her access to your children.

> OOP: We're 100% fine with cutting her off. My wife and her were never close, and we're done giving her chances.

Commenter 5: Your wife‘s stepmother has shown her true colours. She values engagement not your kids. Your kids are a means to an end, she will never respect their privacy nor value a relationship with them.

I would stick with a no phone policy with your wife’s father and not send him photos of any of your kids. Any visit has to be supervised and under circumstances that you can fully control. I am sorry to say this but your wife’s father sounds like a hypocrite, he is against posting children’s photos on social media but did not actively stop his wife from posting photos of his grandkids on social media, what is worse one of them was his young grandkids in swimsuits. It would take a very long time before I can trust him, if at all.

> OOP: That's why we're not certain how to proceed here. We don't want to cut him off, but we can't ignore the fact it took him 5 years and an argument with his wife for him to start siding with us. Most likely, we'll lower our contact with him for a while.

Commenter 6: does stepmother understand that anyone can take those photos and do what they want with them including photoshopping their faces onto images of abuse? They don't have to be one of her 60k followers who she obviously can't vet individually.

Do you also have the option to report any images to IG if they occur or are still there? I know it's probably not very effective but if she's putting her IG account before family this might hit her where it hurts

> OOP: If this happens again, we're reporting it. Some people here have said Instagram tends to take these things seriously. > > To be honest, I think she does understand, and is doing this on purpose. This has been a problem for 5 years now. It got even worse a few months ago, when she started getting a couple minor brand deals. We explained why we have this boundary countless times, and she never made any effort to respect it.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mysterious-Ruin-

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRU

[Old New Updates]: I ran from my abusive ex, and I think he found me

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic violence, stalking, harassment!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: July 4, 2023

I f (27) ran from my abusive ex when I was 4 months pregnant. I got into a different state. I legally changed my name, and I didn’t name my child the name we had agreed on. He didn’t know my social or my ID number. The only way he had of tracking me down was my name but that was gone, long gone. I had sign into domestic violence safe haven shelters to get into my own place and find a job. I had built a great life for me and my child.

I had planned running from him for a little over a year bc it felt like my only way out, he would always find me and drag me back. He made it out to if I don’t take my depression meds I act out and tried to harm myself. The police ended up believing him and became of no help. They brushed off all 4 of my DV calls as simple disagreements. I had saved up just a little over 10k in a bank account my mom had set up to help me get away and come to her so he wouldn’t find out about how much money I really had. My dad helped mostly by putting in a lot more then what I could. He would get suspicious and ask where all my money was going and I would pass it off as bills.

In my new town I’ve made very few people aware of my situation, it’s people that could help if something was to happen. These past 2 months I’ve been being watched by someone unknown. He’s always wearing a baseball cap and sun glasses but I could swear on my life it’s my ex. I ended up leaving work a few times due to having panic attacks from seeing the guy. He never interacts with me, only my coworkers. He waits until I’m out of ear shot to speak to order and he gives different names for his orders. My coworkers have thought it was strange bc he comes in almost every other week for a week straight for the past 2 months using different names. After this I went to the police station to speak to one of the people I made friends with and is aware of my situation. He said he would have patrol officers drive by my house and keep a look out.

I never seen him around my house or drive by it. I started getting letters in the mail that is from I believe is from him. No one signs them with their name. The envelope only ever has my old name and new address on it. The letters consist of him saying I love you and miss you. It never goes into detail about who is writing them. I took them to the police station to the one I’m friends with. He told me I need to find another place to stay for a while and file for a restraining order. I made a fake account and messaged one of my old friends. They said they was glad to hear from me, they are glad I’m ok, and that he’s been trying to report us as missing which I had already knew. That he’s still there working his old job, but he does go on week long trips and nobody knows where he’s going on them.

What’s keeping us from becoming a missing person’s case is my mom. Police had contact her and she told them everything. She showed them proof that I was in fact alive and doing well. She explain why I ran but she said she wouldn’t disclose my location. They ended up contacting me to confirm the story my mom gave them. The police finally after all this time believed me. They asked me if I wanted to come back to file charges or a restraining order. I told them no I want to stay where I’m at and to stay as far as I can from him.

Yesterday I had missed my mailman, and he left a slip that I need to sign for a letter. I haven’t order or request anything to have to sign for. I’m not on any government benefits or having any court case going on. I reactivated the fake Facebook and message my old friend again. She said she hasn’t heard anything, but she’ll ask. I keep it active and she messaged me early this morning. She said that there is some talk that he knows where I’m at and he’s thinking about going to court and take me for custody. I asked her if I would get it via mail and would have to sign for it. She said she isn’t sure that’ll I would have to ask the post office. I left the letter there all day yesterday at the post office instead of calling them and going to get it. I don’t think I want to go pick it up. I don’t want to face the possible truth that he has found me. I don’t want to go back to that town. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to relive the nightmare I had finally escape. I don’t know what to do at this point.

Edit: I just want to say thank you first for all the kind words and advice you all have gave me. After I made this post I went to work. When I got to work they said a guy came in looking for me, they described my ex. They kept telling him I don’t work there and if he comes back in they’ll have him arrested cause apparently he threw a big fit when they said I don’t work there. I was given permission to leave to seek legal help. I went to my friend that’s a cop and got me in contact with a few lawyers.

I had spoken to one and he’s taking my case. He filed stalking, harassment, and domestic violence against him. He has also filed a CPO. They issued a warrant and cops are combing the area to find him. They all have his picture and name, they aren’t going to stop until they have him in custody. I sat and cried bc this has been my life for the pass 4 almost 5 years since I ran that he’s trying to ruin. Where I live they rule in favor of the mother when it comes to domestic violence. Apparently since I left he was with someone that file charges against him for domestic violence and it got dropped. Thank you so for all the kind words and advice, I have appreciated it beyond the words I could say.

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Update #1: July 15, 2023 (11 days later)

Here is the long awaited update. He was caught that late night/early morning when he ran a stop light heading back home. He was processed and sat in his cell waiting to appear in front of the judge on his warrant for domestic violence which was that following Thursday.

When he was arrested and processed they served him the CPO. As he was being processed he obviously got a call. He had called his dad and told him everything. His dad told him he didn’t raise a woman beater, and he wasn’t bailing him out. They also seen he had another warrant that had been issued a few days prior back home. Apparently the girl he was with left him while he was away and pressed domestic violence charges against him as well.

I’m not sure what they’ll do with him now that he has charges in 2 different places or how that will work. He had appear in front of the judge on Thursday and said they was holding him on a $100,000 because they considered him dangerous and an extreme flight risk. He sat there until the following Tuesday when he was released to the other police department that they had contacted to let them know. He is now currently up there waiting for his bond to be set. They said he’s most likely not getting one from them but will sit there.

He was made to serve 30 days in jail on his warrant back home. Cops had said he probably won’t be let loose pinning both trials due to the circumstances surrounding his case and him being extremely dangerous while being a flight risk. They are going to do their best to keep him in jail until his convictions in both cases. He has CPO issue against him in both.

I ask them to keep my name redacted out of everything just in case this breaks to the media. I have purchased a gun, bear spray, and other forms of protection. We have moved and still in contact with the cop that I was friends with. For the first time in a long time I finally feel free, and I can live without fear. Sorry for making you guys wait for an update.

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Update #2: July 26, 2023 (11 days later)

I heard today that they have found witnesses to his abuse that can account for the other girl’s abuse.

Since this came to light he has change his plea in both cases to guilty. They aren’t going to have a trial for either of the cases just a court date for sentencing.

I believe he knew he was fucked when witnesses was mentioned. He has gotten sloppy with his abuse the last few years. I hope he rots!

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#----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over 1.5 years old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Final Update: February 4, 2024 (over 6.5 months later)

He got 2 counts of felony stalking (me and our daughter), 2 counts of harassment (me and my daughter), 2 counts of domestic violence (me and the other girl), 2 counts of felony assault (me and the other girl), 1 count of endangering a minor (my daughter), and 1 count of resisting arrest. They hit him with everything they legally could.

This is what he got for each charge:

2 counts of felony stalking- 2 years (year for each charge)

2 counts of harassment- 4 months (2 months for each charge)

2 counts of domestic violence- 8 months (4 months for each charge)

2 counts of felony assault- 4 years (2 years for each charge)

1 count of child endangerment- 180 days

1 count of resisting arrest- 90 days

He’s to serve them consecutively. They didn’t punish him with the max sentence on the felonies cause he pled guilty and waved a trial, just took the sentencing. They wanted this done and over. The sentencing took a little longer bc where it was between 2 states. He’ll serve all his time in one state then transfer to another and serve his time there.

Me and my baby has since relocated and thank god every day for the ones that helped. I’m still in contact with the people I knew at my old home. They are glad we are doing well.

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Life after I ran from my abusive ex: June 10, 2024 (four months later from the final update)

Long time no see ☺️

After the sentencing me and my baby felt relieved. We decided to go out and live a little. We went down to Florida and visit all the beaches we could find. We made a B-line to Disney World. I would’ve spent every penny on this planet cause we finally felt like we was living life.

We made our way up to Nashville and showed her my love for country music. After leaving Nashville we went back to my hometown.

It was so much to process, we ended up starting therapy when we got there. It’s a long road of healing and we decided to settle here for a little bit, so she gets to know her awesome grandpa (his dad). My parents are flying in, and we are going to go to family therapy.

I plan to go back to my home but right now I want to heal the place I got lost in and broke. I feel pulled here to heal, to gather myself, and to find a way to let my past here go. I feel like I won’t be able to move on if I don’t.

I’m glad he didn’t affect our child very much. I don’t think my baby had the understanding of what was going on. If I post any more updates I’m not going to give very many details about us to protect our identity.

I’m going to go to school so I can work in social services and help women that was in my shoes. I’m going to wait until I’m in a healthier mindset and better mental state.

I just wanted to give this final life update because I’m so proud of myself and the life we are now living and pushing through for.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway7192022

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Friend's BF is stalking me, and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Trigger Warnings: >!physical assault, obsessive behavior, verbal abuse, destruction of property, homophobia!<

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Original post: March 15, 2026

Hi everyone, I've been a listener and lurker for a some time now. I thought I'd come here first I remember a similar post pop up and really need advice on what to do :((.

I have been in a few activities with Rory (20F) over the past school year and we grew close, though we were friendly before, but didn't know a lot about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend of a year that happened to be from the same high school I went to (not super odd since a few of my schoolmates from before are also now in my college) and I chalked it up to one of those 'what a small world' kinda things.

Rory and I got even closer this past semester since we are both in the student government and the student paper, we hang out a lot outside of activities and I include her in some of the hangouts of my closer friend group. In one of the hangouts we met her boyfriend Logan (20M).

Ever since that hangout, I keep meeting Logan in places where I would normally be and places where I planned to be. Again, I would normally chalk this up to being a coincidence, but the city where my college is in is HUGEE. I don't even see some of my closest friends on a random day if not for it being planned. It happens on my cafe spot where I study, or places I mention to my friends I'll be doing errands in, it's started to feel scary how often I see him that I get scared going outside and meeting him. He is nice when we meet but I get a sick feeling whenever we talk and I feel like I’m being scrutinized or watched.

I don't know how it keeps happening and I haven't really told anyone because it sounds weird in my own head, what more to others? I want to speak to Rory about it because maybe she has an idea why he is essentially stalking me, but I don't really how to move from here or to articulate what I want to say. I don't even know if I should talk to Rory at all because I don't want to come across as a homewreckers or anything or blow up our really nice friendship. Any advice please would be really helpful :((

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, trust your gut. That sick feeling? That’s your intuition trying to protect you. You’re not being dramatic this is genuinely unsettling behavior. The fact that he keeps showing up in places you’ve only mentioned to friends (and in a huge city, no less) is a huge red flag. Please talk to Rory, but be gentle with yourself when you do. You’re not accusing you’re sharing facts and how it’s making you feel. A real friend will listen. And honestly? You deserve to feel safe in your everyday spaces. Sending you strength 💛.

> OOP: Thank you I really appreciate it! I'm still thinking of how to approach Rory because I've known her less than her boyfriend and I really don't want to blow everything up. I hope I can drop some hints or figure out a way to see if she knows about his behavior

Commenter 2: does he approach you when you see him in these locations and if so does he try to keep communicating with you or just says hi and goes on his way? I would def try to ignore him or just say hi and go whenever that happens.

also, are you sharing your location with Rory or anyone else that might be his mutual friend? I would personally turn off location sharing except a few most trusted people. I would also block him on sns.

> OOP: I'll block him asap. I don’t really share location, but I do tend to talk about places I would be (like the library, this grocery store, etc.) cause I happen to talk to my friends about it. > > The first two times I approached him thinking Rory was with him but after that I got the sense that he would be alone if I ever spot him, since then he was the one approaching me or bumping into me. We use to talk about stuff we have in common, mostly Rory, but as of recent I try to finish the conversation asap and leave...

Commenter 3: Check your bags and other items for trackers. Do you post a lot on social media telling people what you are up to? Change the routes you take. Please talk to other people about his behaviour. Please remember you do not have to interact with him just because he's your friend's boyfriend. There's no reason for you to spend any time with him whatsoever.

> OOP: Thank you, I'll leave if I ever spot him again... I'm pretty lowkey on social media and my Instagram has been private since I made years ago. I haven't even though of checking for a tracker...

Commenter 4: Also, keep a detailed log!

Note where and when you see him in your current routine, and then if relevant when and where you see him in your new one.

And obviously, IGNORE HIM. Do not engage. Do not respond. You do not have to be polite to this person. If you just can't take being "rude", keep replies short and brief. "Sorry, I have to go." And then leave. Yeah it's not fair that you have to leave a place because he's there, but you want to send a clear, if unspoken, message that you are not interested in him in any way.

And document all that too.

And then when you talk to Rory, just present the evidence and say, this is making me feel weird. I care about you and thought you should know.

> OOP: I'll try to do this the whole week and see if I see him less

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Update #1: March 20, 2026 (five days later)

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank the people who gave really sound advice last week on my (honestly rambly post/vent rant) and to those who reached out to check in the days after to see if I alright. I wasn’t expecting such a warm and welcoming reception and that really helped me push through this week :))

Before the actual update, here are some stuff I wanted to assure you all:

- I had my car checked by three shops and was doubly assured that there wasn’t any trackers. We even asked a friend of mine who had a sketchy ex in the past to use their bug sweeper on everything and all (my car, my things, my apartment, my clothes, etc.) came out clean.

- Someone asked what we normally discuss when we meet and I can't say it’s anything of note. He normally approaches me and asks me how I am doing and what was I doing at the place and sometimes about what Rory did the day. Sometimes it was what I liked, or some questions friends would ask when they get to know each other, which I wouldn’t mind answering if it weren’t for the fact that he was showing up in a lot of places I frequent (and I was suspecting him of stalking me).

Here is the update:

I followed the advice some commenters suggested which was to change my routine. I felt it wasn't enough to randomize it just to avoid him, so I decided to do that police tactic thing where certain specific info was given to suspects to see who was the snitch since I honestly dk how he could’ve stalked me on some places (somewhere out of the city, some were pretty hidden spots, etc.)

I told Rory (my new friend and his girlfriend) that I would be in this cafe near school on Wednesday after we had a meeting. I have cleared my suspicion for most of my friends at this point, so it was Rory and another that I wanted to test. I stayed with a friend across the road in a bodega and saw Logan come inside the cafe where I said I was after an hour I said I would be there on. I didn't have the best mood after confirming that Logan was using Rory to stalk me, so I didn't go out of my house all of Thursday cause I was stressed out of mind and didn’t know how to move forward with the discovery.

Fortunately, Today, I confronted Rory about it after I mustered up all the courage and tried to see if she was unknowingly helping him and she was just relaying info without malice. We met after I texted her that I wanted to talk about the agenda from the Wednesday meeting in a mutual friend's dorm room (who was also present as they were part of the sgov as well + was aware of what’s happening with my suspicions), and she came. An hour in of me fiddling and trying to find the right moment to start my hinting, I followed one of the comment of my last post and kind of stated that I kept seeing Logan in all the places I’ve been frequenting for the past month.

It started out really well, but when I pressed that it was odd that I was seeing him almost every week, she got this really odd look on her face and asked me if I was trying to accuse her bf of being gay, which took me off guard. Yeah, I am gay (not to be confused) but it was weird how she went to that direction?? I backtracked and said that I wasn’t accusing him of anything but that I kept seeing him and I brought up the fact that I told her I would be in a cafe on Wed and he came after, which I then asked if he asked her about my whereabouts.

I think things got really out of hand after that and she then said that he did ask but it was more of a 'concerned boyfriend checking on their gf hanging out with a guy' kind of way instead of the stalkerish kind of way. I got really confused here and tried to say that it gave off stalkerish vibes on my perspective and she got really mad that I was, on her mind, accusing her bf of being interested in me and was gay for the second time.

Our mutual friend broke us off cause things were getting loud and incoherent, with no belief that we would make sensible conversation, and Rory left the dorm after that. I did speak to my friend if I was taking it the wrong way and she assured me that (regardless of my gender and orientation) men had stalkers too and that she supported me if Rory tried to accuse me of anything. I asked my close friends the same thing and assured me that I was very public with my gayness so it would be weird for Logan to assume I would be a threat to their relationship.

I'm currently in my apartment and I’m starting to wonder if I was taking it the wrong way?? Would a guy keep tabs on a dude his girlfriend was friends with? I’m once again at my wits end but I’m trying not to spiral because all the important people (friends family, etc.) support me. I don't know what’s going to happen next, but I would be really appreciative for any advice. Thanks.

EDIT (March 22, 2026): Thank you all for the advice and the comforting words, it truly means a lot to me. Unfortunately, despite what many of the commenters suggested, I am unable to 'fully' break off my tie to Rory (and subsequently her bf) as the semester ends in mid-April for me and we have a ton of year end stuff to go through in the student government and the university paper. Fortunately, I do have other friends in those two orgs so I will be very much applying for their help until the sem ends so I can be with someone at all in case worse comes to reality. Once again, thank you all so much!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want to say maybe Logan is curious but there are much easier ways to go DL. could he be jealous of your relationship w/ Rory? Like trying to find out what is so neat about you? I mean I have no idea.

> OOP: I don’t go out of my way to hang out with Rory, and we mostly hang out for sgov or the paper. We are often surrounded by mutual friends and very rarely one on one alone w each other. I do think that he may be DL and I’m hoping my friend and I can find evidence that he is or something

Commenter 2: That’s not the behaviour of somebody who’s keeping tabs on his girlfriend. Which would be probably about again of itself. Rather, he’s going out of his way to meet up with you.

> OOP: I said this!!! But for reason Rory was hung up on me accusing her boyfriend when I genuinely am fearing for my safety and she kept denying a man could stalk a man. Theres something going on with them and idk when I can even hear her side when she’s pissed and probably told Logan what I said

Commenter 3: There is the possibility Logan is a homophobe and has been stalking you with the intent to physically harm you.

I would actually suggest this concern to Rory if she again accuses you of suggesting Logan is gay. And if she keeps it up, I would start to wonder if she is a homophobe and has been egging Logan on, to prove to her he isn’t gay.

> OOP: I don’t want to spiral but I have to admit this has crossed my mind since we fought earlier today. I doubt Rory is like that since she has been a staunch ally since I am openly gay, but it’s doesn’t hurt to doubt her... I guess I’m reeling a little that this might be a possibility

Commenter 4: Your suspicions were spot on and the fact that Logan showed up at that cafe after you told only Rory proves he's been using her to track you down. The whole "concerned boyfriend" excuse is bullshit - normal guys don't systematically show up everywhere their girlfriend's friends hang out, especially when those friends are clearly not romantic competition. Rory jumping straight to the gay accusation is her deflecting because deep down she probably knows his behavior is weird but doesn't want to admit her boyfriend is a creep.

You did exactly the right thing with that test - that's some solid detective work right there. The mutual friend backing you up shows other people can see how sketchy this whole situation is too. Trust your gut on this one because Logan's pattern of behavior screams stalker, not "protective boyfriend," and Rory's defensive reaction just confirms she's been feeding him information whether she wants to admit it or not.

> OOP: Thank you, this was such a tough thing to go through all week, and I was starting to think I was jumping the gun. I'm not sure if this will conclusively stop the stalking but I'm continuing randomizing and shutting up about my whereabouts until I'm sure.

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Update #2: May 10, 2026 (nearly two months later)

Hello everyone.

I don’t want to make a long update because I don’t really want to revisit what happened over the month so I will condense it as much as I can and if anyone has questions, I will do my best to answer.

Long story short: Logan has been taken to the local police station, and I have successfully filed a RO on both of them (Logan and Rory).

After the confrontation, Rory began bringing Logan everywhere which did not help their case as rumors spread of what happened with us (dorm room walls are not soundproof) and Logan would just STARE at me whenever Rory was looking away or busy doing something else. Not long after, a lot of our mutual friends dropped Rory as Logan would join their hangouts and would (unprompted) go on a rant about how bad of a person I was (making up lies abt me) and go on a crazed angry speech on "femboids" ruining the image of men in the current age. This kept going for two to three ish weeks during the finals/project phase of school but kind of died down as I finished off everything and prepared to graduate.

Where it went wrong: I had invited my close friends and some others to a nice night out as graduation was close by and everyone invited had an award to be celebrated. Not sure who leaked it, but Rory and Logan got a hold that I was having dinner at this restaurant that had these private rooms for parties and SHOWED UP. I clearly did not invite them to the celebration, and I had asked my male friends to get them out, but Rory seemed insistent to stay, and Logan remained quiet the whole back and forth. The argument got heated that some waiters came to de-escalate but it seemed like he had enough and SHOVED Rory out of the way and the friend who was arguing with her. I don’t know what made him snap, but he had reached me and managed to push me to the ground. I hit the chair and table on the way down and was delirious from the pain that ached everywhere, I completely did not register that Logan seemed intent to get on top of me (probably to punch me or something, maybe even attempt at my life in some way). Fortunately my friends grabbed him and tried to hold him down, but he kept trying to break free from their grasp. By the time I managed to get to my senses, some of the security staff had come and Rory seemed shocked by the entire event that just occurred.

They got taken out. A friend had suggested I get the CCTV of what happened and use it to get an RO, which I did the day after. Some days later, the police got back to me and asked to do an interview of some sort. I discussed what happened over the past few months and the lady who I spoke to me took me very seriously and had told me they would try to get a warrant for their devices as I mentioned they managed to track me down in some way and I feared that would continue. Fortunately, I had evidence of a crime committed and probable cause of stalking, so this was done, I thank the lady and her team for being so incredibly amazing with my case. Another few days roll by and I went down to the station. I went with my younger brother as my family arrived in town for my graduation a few days later. On the station, they had informed me that on both Logan's and Rory's devices, tons of images and videos of me were found. NOT ONLY THAT, text messages show that they had planned to attempt at finding my apartment and do something. Due to the evidence, I will be pressing charges.

On the bright side of things, I graduated with Latin honors and got a lot of medals for the activities I have done in college. I am happy to say that I am currently back at home and will be isolating myself for a good month before even thinking of adventuring out again.

That’s all from me :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If he is from your HS, does that mean he/his family live in your hometown? Have you made your local PD aware of the RO and situation?

> OOP: Both of my HS and college are in the city/urban while my hometown is on the countryside/rural area. In both cases I stayed in a dorm/apartment. From what I am aware of, he is not from my hometown and is from the city itself.

Was Rory always like that?

> OOP: Rory herself I would say no. She does ask questions a lot but again, we were friends, and asking questions was kind of a given thing. I knew she held grudges and often said malicious things, but it always came off as a jokey way (e.g.: I hope they trip and fall, I hope they get ran over, etc.)

OOP explains more about the text messages found on Logan and Rory's devices

> OOP: From what I saw on the text messages, they intended to confront me about the "rumors" I was spreading (which were spread because of the argument I had with Rory at my friends dorm and a few friends sharing it with their classmates). It didn't say anything explicit, but the tone and language used that they intended to scare the shit out of me. l

Commenter 2: Glad you were able to get a restraining order and that you graduated.

In your first post about this situation, you said that Logan had also attended your high school. Are you certain that you have not been on his radar for much longer than his meeting you via Rory? I mention this not to make you afraid, but because this would shed some light on his mental state.

I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope that this chapter is concluded.

> OOP: Thank you! :) Personally I have tried to dig around among classmates to know about Logan, but he didn’t make that many friends to know how he was in HS. One thing we suspect due to how oddly violent and focused he was on me, was that I may have been his gay awakening or crush or fixation in HS and it slowly began to spiral without me knowing.

Commenter 3: Did you ever find out WHY this nutcase was stalking you? Not that stalkers are rational, I'm just wondering wtf motivated him.

> OOP: Nope! Still don't know why exactly. We suspect he is one of those red pillers / incels since his rants bare a lot of similarity to them. We also tried finding out if he was a DL with no such luck. My friend suspect that since he went to my school the same time as me in HS, I might’ve been his gay awakening, and he didn't really like that. All theories though.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/_oxytoxicc

Originally posted to r/weddingdrama

Previous BoRUs: #1**

[New Update]: My (F24) fiancé’s (M27) mom refuses to attend our wedding unless it meets her standards. Is this a battle worth fighting?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!classism, assault, domestic abuse, controlling behavior, destruction of property!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: August 3, 2025

I (F24) am planning a wedding with my fiancé (M27). We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years and are planning to get married next year. My parents are supportive, but his mom isn’t. It's not because she dislikes me, but because she’s afraid the wedding won’t be grand enough and that she’ll be embarrassed.

She wants a big wedding and insists on inviting important people from our office, which isn’t what my fiancé and I want, especially since we’re still in junior positions. She told us to postpone the wedding until we’re 30 and can afford something more extravagant. If we still can’t do it by then, she wants us to get married abroad to avoid embarrassment on her part.

My fiancé has explained our plans and expressed how much he wishes she could be more understanding. But this has been a recurring pattern in his family, his mother often acts as if the world revolves around her. She doesn’t take no for an answer. Now she’s saying she won’t come, and neither will her side of the family, if we move forward with our current plan.

My fiancé, my family, and I are all okay with moving forward. But deep down, we both want her there. We’ve done everything we could to involve her, but she insists it has to be done her way. I find that hard to accept, especially since we’re the ones paying for the wedding. We even suggested therapy, but she refused. Now she says this whole situation is stressing her out and that she’s losing sleep over it.

For context, I live in Southeast Asia, where weddings are usually family-centered. But in our religion, the groom’s parents are not required to be present.

I don’t want my fiancé to feel like he has to choose between me and his family. I’ve tried hard to earn his parents’ approval, and they have no issue with me as a person. It’s just the wedding that doesn’t meet his mom’s expectations. My fiancé is a wonderful man and wants to marry me, with or without his mom’s blessing. But I keep wondering, is this a battle I should keep fighting, or is it something I need to let go of?

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom won’t attend our wedding unless it meets her standards. She wants a large, prestigious event, which we can’t afford and don’t want. We’re paying for everything ourselves. She has no issue with me, but refuses to support a smaller wedding. I don’t want my fiancé to feel forced to choose between me and his family. We still want her there, but she refuses unless it’s her way. Should I keep trying or let it go?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have the wedding you want, and let her come or not. She probably really just wants you guys to wait to get married so she doesn’t have to lose her little boy or something stupid.

> OOP: Some part of me feels the same way. My fiancé’s parents have huge fights over small things, and his mom drags the kids into it. She expects her sons to watch and even step in, which I think is unfair. > > On top of that, she expects my fiancé to cover her travel and some household bills. He’s basically been the backbone of the family, acting like a second parent to his younger brothers.

Commenter 2: She created an excuse instead of just saying “I think this is a bad idea. Knowing someone long distance is very different from living together. I think you should try living together before you make a legal commitment.” She should have just been honest about her concerns.

> OOP: I don’t think distance was the real issue. My fiancée and I have been traveling to see each other 3–4 times a year for 2-4 weeks each time. The problem seems deeper. Her mom has a certain image she wants to maintain around her friends. > > One time, she even told my fiancée she was embarrassed because her husband doesn’t have a high-paying job like her friends’ husbands. She said it wasn’t fair to her. > > That felt pretty harsh, especially considering her husband could afford to buy a two-story house in cash.

Commenter 3: You have to put a stop to her interference, and the best time is NOW. Your fiancée might need extra support or counseling because it’s hard as heck to change the pattern of a lifetime, but your marriage will be a misery if you set a pattern of living up to her expectations.

If she wants to tell people she boycotted your wedding because it wasn’t posh enough, let her.

> OOP: I agree! My fiancé and I have done couples therapy, but I’ve been encouraging him to go on his own too. I’ve been in individual therapy regularly. > > One thing I’ve noticed is that he avoids conflict, especially with his mom. She can be manipulative and gets hysterical when people don’t do what she wants. > > That’s been his whole life, so I know it’ll take time for him to learn how to set healthy boundaries. > > Thanks for your comment :)

Commenter 4: Why does she care about inviting higher ups from work? Does she work there too?

> OOP: Nope, she hasn’t worked in over 25 years. I think it’s more about her social life and how much she cares about her public image. She’s friends with higher-ups and some celebrities, so I think she feels pressure to keep up appearances, which she couldn't afford.

Commenter 5: Your fiancé needs to figure out how he feels about this. And the problem is that how he feels about having a mother who is disordered and domineering and codependent like this means that it's very confusing for him emotionally. If he can't handle standing up to her and comfortably let her have her own process while simply proceeding to have the wedding that the two of you choose, then he might not be ready to get married at all.so watch this carefully.

> OOP: That's also how I feel. I think he needs to learn how to create healthy boundaries and say no, as his mom has been very dominating in their family. I'm suggesting that he go to therapy and learn! > > And I agree with you; if he wants to side with his mom, I think not having him and the wedding will be a wiser choice for my future

Additional Information from OOP

> OOP: She reached out to me personally with different excuses. Saying my fiancé’s family is not onboard with it and wouldn’t bless our marriage. She wanted my fiancé to wait until he’s more financially mature and stable before building a family. > > I told her we’re both adults and this is our decision regardless of what she has to say. And now FMIL is calling my fiancé and becoming hysterical on the phone.

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Update: November 11, 2025 (a bit over three months later)

Update: My fiancé’s mom refused to attend our wedding unless it met her “standards”

Hi everyone, this is an update from my previous post

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom wanted a large, fancy wedding with VIPs. We wanted something smaller and are paying for it ourselves. She refused to attend unless it met her standards.

After a few days, she reached out to me personally. She said she didn’t approve of the wedding because she felt my fiancé wasn’t “financially stable” enough yet. For context, we’re both financially independent and covering all wedding costs ourselves.

I replied politely, saying I’m sorry she felt that way, but assured her I’m not a financial burden to her son since I want to have my career and all. I also said we’re both pursuing our goals and there’s no reason to wait to get married.

Apparently, that set her off really badly. She called my fiancé for three hours, hysterically yelling about how “disrespectful” it was for me to reply with a long message. When he got home, she continued yelling and even called me names. She made his brother sit there and watch everything. No one defended him.

This went on for several days. Every time he came home, she’d start yelling again for hours. It reached a point where my fiancé packed up all his things to move out. But before he could leave, his mom found out, trashed all his belongings (literally ripped out his luggage in two), and called him horrible names. It didn’t stop there. She physically attacked him and made the entire family watch.

I still can’t process how fast everything escalated. It happened so suddenly and so brutally that I took a 24-hour flight the next day and went straight home, completely shaken. I know he needed me that time, and not being able to do anything if I'm far would've killed me.

Now, he hasn’t gone home since, and we’ve decided to elope next year.

I still can’t believe this all started because she wanted a “prestigious” wedding. It’s heartbreaking to see how far it went, but at least we’re standing together. Please wish us luck and peace as we move forward.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: This is a woman who can’t let go of her son and must micromanage everything. The wedding is just the beginning. Without boundaries, she will never stop.

Commenter 2: I hope he filed a police report. Have the police be present when he goes to pick up his things. And either have the wedding you want and don’t include his family or elope and have fun

Commenter 3: This didn’t happen because of your wedding. She is an abuser, and abusers look for any excuse to mistreat family members. There may be a lot you don’t know about his family, his mother and the family dynamic.

She feels she’s losing control of him, so she’s escalating. This is a dangerous time and your fiancé needs to be on his guard. The whole family standing by and letting her do this likely means that she will unleash hell (and may have in the past) on anyone who gets in her way. It’s a common trauma response in abusive families.

I hope he’s cut contact with her. I’m sure it’s extremely difficult in your cultural context, but he needs to heal.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 12, 2026 (six months later from the first update)

FINAL UPDATE: My fiancé’s mom refused to attend our wedding unless it met her "standards."

Hi everyone, here’s a final update from my previous posts (Part 1 & Part 2).

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom wanted a large, prestigious wedding and refused to support our small ceremony because she felt it would embarrass her socially. Things escalated far beyond what we ever expected — screaming, insults, destroyed belongings, and eventually my fiancé leaving home entirely. After everything that happened, we chose peace over approval.

In short….we’re married now!!

A few weeks ago, we officially became husband and wife. In the end, we decided to keep things small and intimate. We had a simple celebration with my extended family, good food, and lots of laughter.

Of course, not having his side of the family there was painful, especially for him. I know there’s still sadness underneath it all, and I don’t think anyone imagines their wedding turning out this way. But despite everything, we still had such a beautiful day together.

I’m incredibly proud of him. I know it wasn’t an easy decision for either of us to get married under these circumstances, especially in a Southeast Asian country where family expectations and approvals can be very strong. But I saw firsthand how difficult this entire situation was for him, and despite everything, he never stopped choosing kindness.

His family stopped contacting him for a while after calling him and my family horrible names, insulting my family for being “poor,” and even demanding that my family repay all the money they had spent raising him. We honestly don’t know what the future looks like with his family, and maybe that’s okay for now. Right now, we’re focusing on building a healthy and peaceful life together instead of chasing approval that may never come.

Thank you to everyone who showed us kindness and support on my previous posts. Your words genuinely helped us get through some very dark moments.

For now, we’re happy, and that's enough for us.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments for this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Kind_Necessary8115

AITAH for not wanting to befriend my landlady's son?

Originally posted to r/AITAH

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Harassment!<

Original Post  Jan 31, 2026

I (21F) recently (about a month ago) started renting a room in a family home. It's in their basement, and I have my own entrance, kitchen, and bathroom. I generally don't need to go upstairs for any reason.

The family who lives in the house consists of a middle aged couple and their 18 year-old son. The son has a room in the basement next to mine, but he goes upstairs to eat, so he doesn't use my kitchen. There isn't any common space in the basement apart from the kitchen and bathroom, so I don't really see him that much. I spend most of my time in my room when I'm at home, and so does he.

However, a couple days ago, the mother (my landlady) came downstairs to talk to me, and she seemed upset about the fact that I hadn't been trying to befriend her son after I moved in. She said he's nervous about leaving his room because I'm so unapproachable, and that I should try to be more friendly and get to know him.

Now, I haven't exactly been trying to start conversations with him but I don't think I've been hostile either. I've smiled at him politely and said hi whenever we saw each other in the hallway, and he's never made an effort to talk to me either, so Idk what landlady was expecting.

When I moved in, she did tell me that her son lives in the basement too, and that maybe we could become friends. However, she didn't phrase it in a way that made me think she was expecting me to actively make an effort to befriend him. I just assumed she thought it would be a nice thing to happen, but not an expectation.

I was never against the idea of being friends with him, and if it had happened organically that would've been cool. But being asked by his mommy to befriend him isn't really making me want to make an effort. It also wouldn't feel like a real friendship if I'm only doing it because I'm being asked to. But I'm also thinking that maybe I should just try and talk to him since it's not his fault that his mother is like that, and I obviously want to keep the peace. But Idk.

AITAH for not wanting to be friends with my landlady's son at this point?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

No-Cell2614

>He’s 18. That could be a high school student or recently graduated. You’re 21. That’s 3 years out of HS as an adult. What in the world is this woman thinking? Continue as you are while looking for a new space and move asap. Trouble ahead. Avoid it.

OOP

>>The son is in high school. I am studying to become a nurse and work as a bartender during weekends. I have never been invited upstairs. The dad and son seem normal. The mom is basically the only one I've had an actual conversation with.

When told to keep her door locked

>There is a lock on my door. But honestly, I'm not really worried about the son. He hasn't been giving me bad vibes or anything. Just seems like a typical teenage boy gaming in his room. Dad also seems normal. Mom is the only crazy person as far as I'm concerned.

When asked of OOP made a decision yet

> Yeah, I'm going to look for a different place to live. Also since my landlady has tried to impose new rules several times that weren't discussed when I moved in or mentioned in my lease. Such as me not being allowed to come home after 10pm > >& > > Absolutely. It isn't a problem when I get off work at 7am because then they're already awake when I get home. But Idk what I'm gonna do when I get off at 1am or something. I'm thinking I'm gonna have to just avoid those shifts until I find a different place to live

Update  March 11, 2026

So, I moved out.

My problems with landlady only got worse. When I moved in, she told me I was allowed to have guests over as often as I liked. But then later, she changed it to twice a week after I had a friend over for several days in a row. And with everything else going on, I couldn't help thinking she was trying to force me to spend less time with my friends so I'd be more likely to want to talk to her son.

This also wasn't the first time she suddenly added new rules after I already signed the lease. She also asked me to not come home after 10pm because their dogs would bark when I walked in the driveway. I would not have moved in if this rule was mentioned before I signed the lease, because I work as a bartender!! So it's not really an option for me to never come home after 10pm.

All your replies really validated my concerns and confirmed that I was not overreacting. So I started looking for different living arrangements. I talked to my friends about it, and one of them immediately said he'd actually been considering renting out a room in his apartment to save some money. So I moved in with him 2 weeks later.

Landlady seemed quite happy to get rid of me if I'm being completely honest. According to my lease, I was supposed to put in a 4-week notice, but when I told her I'm moving out, she asked me how soon I could do it. Maybe she's going to try and find someone else to set up with her son because her plan didn't work with me. Anyways, not my problem anymore.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I am not OOP. That is u/memoryman. Originally posted in r/Relationship_Advice, r/IAmA, and r/AskReddit

Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, domestic violence!<

Mood spoilers: >!a sad story with no resolution!<

Editor’s Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part saga (split due to character limit). It takes place over 15 years ago. OOP promised an update before >!the trial!< but subsequently abandoned his account. While the story is structurally inconclusive, the discussion and the events leading up to >!the split!< are incredibly intense and worth the read.

PART 2

———

Backstory: My wife had total global amnesia (all long and short term memory gone) and still hasn't fully recovered AMA - 29 December 2009

Clarification: this happened a little over 1 year ago.

The doctors say my wife had viral encephalitis and that is what caused the memory loss. It was very sudden. My wife was fine when she woke up, came to help me find some clothes for our daughter and then started asking me repeatedly what day it was.

The first doctor we saw sent us home, saying she was having confusion from her migraines (which she has a history of, but never had any problems with memory loss or confusion).

About a day later my wife woke up from a nap (she was sleeping a lot) and asked me if I was her boyfriend. I lost it at this point and took her to our family doctor and then straight to the ER. She was hospitalized for almost a week.

In the hospital she only remembered about 30-90 seconds before she'd completely forget what you'd told her. By the time she was discharged she was up to 15-30 minutes of short term and she was starting to remember some of the details of her hospital room layout (what was behind the door, closet or toilet).

It's been a long slow process to recovery over the past year and her immune system really took a hit. Her short term memory seems to be completely fine now. A lot of her long term memory is back as far as we can tell, it's hard to judge. The older memories seem the most intact, childhood, grade school, high school, college years.

The stuff from the last few years has been the slowest to come back. She remembers our oldest child's birth but remembers nothing of our daughter's birth or pregnancy... that's been difficult.

That's the short version. Ask away and I'll answer everything I can.

Edit #1: forgot to mention, at about the 1 year mark I woke up early in the morning to her having a seizure (no history of that and I'd never seen one before). I thought she was brain dead and completely lost it. Back to the ER again, more MRIs and CTs. The neurologist thinks it was related to the virus as it affected the part of the brain that often causes seizures.

Edit #2: since this seems to be a common question this is how she'll remember things: Good or bad they come back suddenly. Sometimes she'll just remember the general experience and not the details and sometimes she'll remember all of it. The pattern has been that she'll remember something small (it'll just pop in or something can spur it) and then it usually triggers related memories.

Edit #3: personality-wise she now likes action flicks a hell of a lot more than she used to. not into chick flicks as much. i'll add more here later.

Comments

Do you know what caused the encephalitis?

>The doctors don't know 100% what caused the infection. They're pretty sure it was a virus but the spinal taps and tests didn’t identify which one. She did have a stubborn sinus infection prior to this. The doc said the virus could’ve been in the air, or been dormant in her and triggered by something.

Is there a chance she could get another infection?

>My wife said to just dump her on the curb if that happens... and she wasn't kidding. I wouldn't do that but I honestly don't know if we could make it. Something like this makes you look really hard at what a human being can take. I always thought we'd be together forever and that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I'm optimistic about our future as a family but I don't know if either of us could take this again.

How long have you been together?

>Married for 10, together for 15. 

How old are your kids? How are they taking it?

>Daughter is 4 and son is 8. Our daughter has no idea what happened or why. Our son has a general idea of what happened but I don't think he really understands. He got really upset when he saw his mom in the hospital. She really wanted to see the kids but they didn't stay long.

>It helps that our son is a lot like me, she was quicker to reconnect with him but it's been really hard with our daughter who she has little memory of.

Did you ever worry she wouldn’t love you anymore?

>I think I always assumed she would. She said I was the one thing she remembered most, that I was her mental "rock" and she still "liked" me. She said it felt like when we first started dating.

Do you have a good support system?

>Umm... we got very little help from extended family. My parents came, but after a couple of days my dad mentioned someone else would have to help in the future. Said they were getting too old. We have no contact with my wife's side (and it wasn't pleasant when my wife got those memories back). As for friends, we moved to a very conservative area 3 years ago for my job. Sadly, we haven’t made any friends here.

What happened with her family?

>I'm leaving plenty out, but… We started dating when we were young. She still lived at home but things weren't well with her parents. One day they abruptly kicked her out, so I asked her to move in with me. She hasn’t seen or spoken with any of her family in 12+ years and our kids have never even seen pictures of them.

Did her personality change?

>Yes. From what I've heard, we got lucky with how little (relatively) her personality changed. That's been one of the hardest parts. In some ways she's a new person. 

>There's parts of our past she has forgotten. Some good, some bad. I feel really guilty about saying this, but I'm actually glad she forgot how fucked up I am (emotionally). I'm not making this up, a week or two before she got sick we were arguing (it was a pretty big fight) and she said something about how I always react like X to Y situation and that I'm just like my mother. It really bothered me as I've worked hard to get past a lot of emotional problems. 

>I remember lying in bed later and angrily wishing that she would forget all of the shit from my past, all the shit she knew about me and my family and that we could just start over. I wish I was lying about this. I don't believe in god but someone heard me and granted my wish. I told my wife about it and even though we generally believe it's a coincidence it still really bothers me that I said it.

Do either of you just get the urge to leave?

>To be completely honest, yes. We’ve both had multiple instances where we wanted to walk away from everything. More on her part... and I completely understand why.

>There were a few really bad times where I truly thought it was over, that our little family simply couldn't take this amount of stress. We somehow got through the problems and the urges seem to happen less and less. Around a later was when it got really hard emotionally. She still felt like she'd been plopped into someone else's life. I had a lot of trouble keeping it together.

———

I did an AMA over a year ago and after what happened last night I don't think I have any choice but to end my marriage... but I really need some advice - 29 April 2011 (1 year, 4 months later)

Pretty numb at the moment… I apologize in advance for the enormous length of the post as well as any typos or grammatical errors.

TLDR on the AMA: Oct 2008 my wife lost all short and long term memory due to viral encephalitis. Eventually got short term back but still had gaps in long term (still does to this day).

Since the AMA in December 2009 the relationship between my wife and children was the first to deteriorate. She didn't remember having them or making the decision to have them. Told me on multiple occasions she feels like she is babysitting someone else's kids and didn't want to be a mother any longer.

Our 9 yo son had some problems with some kids at school and we didn't find out until he started acting out at home. Between that and getting caught sneaking cookies up to his room my wife reacted by really clamping down. She felt his getting picked was a sign of weakness and that he needed more discipline. We disagreed but tried to keep moving forward. Our son was very confused as one of the kids was a good friend and he would get upset, confused and contradict himself when trying to explain what happened, which infuriated my wife. She felt he was lying and doing it all for attention.

Any time he made a mistake she'd nail him hard… I came home from work one day to find him crying and hauling all of his toys from his room to the basement. He'd done something that pissed her off, I don't recall in particular what it was that day. He would get yelled at for bringing home a dirty lunch bag or coat. At this point if he even looked at her the wrong way she'd yell at him. Any time I objected we'd end up arguing and she'd blame me for contributing to his attitude and behavior.

Our son was now lying any time he sensed he might be in trouble and he wasn't very good at it. I advocated discipline but also wanted to get at the core problem behind the lying, which I felt was his fear of getting in trouble, yelled at and punished. My wife took the lying as a personal insult and wanted to punish accordingly.

Our son is very bright, socially awkward and probably a bit immature for his age. He didn't respond well to the beratement, often doing what he probably felt was his only recourse, stonewalling. Against my objections she'd threaten him with beatings, no food or sleeping in the basement if he refused to answer her. This escalated into name calling, seething sarcasm and belittling him in every way.

I tried to protect him as much as possible but any time I stepped in she'd make me pay for it. If I tried to calm her down while she was yelling at him, it would upset her further and turn her anger towards me. If I tried to talk to her privately after the kids were in bed it turned into an argument.

I was incredibly confused, my wife had never, ever treated anyone in this way before. She was full of anger and regret over quitting her job to raise the kids as well as the lack of jobs which kept her 'stuck' at home. She felt with her illness and the fact that she gave up so much for the kids that they should work extra hard at behaving. She complained more and more how unfair her life was and how she didn't deserve these kind of health problems and unappreciative, bratty children.

I've always tried to advocate what I've read about parenting: understanding, patience, communication and respect. Don't be permissive or a "friend" and let children do whatever they want, but don't be too heavy handed with the discipline. Discipline, with an emphasis on cause and effect and setting realistic boundaries should be the goal, not punishment that is retaliatory, overly severe and without love.

Affection and attention from their mother for both of our children dropped significantly, especially our son. It is pretty much zero. I began to notice how the kids would actively avoid her and come only to me for things they needed. They began speaking more quietly in an attempt to go unnoticed by her but all this did was anger her further. She blamed me for being the 'weak parent' that they'd gravitate to. She said she wouldn't change as it would just show them that weakness would get them catered to. Again we'd disagree and argue about the issue, again with me taking all of the blame.

The whole situation worsened still. Our arguments got more heated. The name calling done by my wife got worse. I was beginning to see how manipulative my wife was getting. She'd guilt our son with how his 'horrible behavior' kept her sick. She'd attack him instead of his behavior and force him to admit how awful he was...

During an argument about this my wife struck me in the face as I was trying to sit down in a chair. I wasn't making any move towards her and I've never come close to touching her in anger. I was beyond stunned.

She didn't apologize, ever (she never apologizes, she feels she doesn't have to), and justified it by saying I was upset and she was trying to snap me out of it. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to give up on my marriage, I kept telling myself she was sick and dealing with a lot of stress. I justified it any way I could.

As if reading my mind, she told me I was too gutless to leave and that I'd never get the kids if I did. She told me I was the one with the issues and that I was responsible for her anger and sickness. Whenever I put my foot down she'd guilt me with blame for ruining her life… I did carry a lot of guilt over her illness and regretted trusting one of the neurologists and not getting her to the ER sooner. She knew what buttons to push or what would break my will or what guilt would drive me to tears.

I was always tired and my will to fight was diminishing. Because of 'how horrible' the kids were, I took on more and more responsibility. I prepared their breakfast and lunches the night before, and made dinner when I got home. I helped our son with his and our laundry as she'd no longer do that. I got all groceries and ran all errands. She told our son that since he was such an ass that he no longer getting anything from her in any way. Told him to plan on starving if I wasn't around.

She would vacuum the house on occasion but that was about it. All other time was with her on the couch, watching tv, playing on her cellphone and shopping and browsing on the net. I was at the point I felt like I was raising them as a single father except for her yelling. We began going through stretches where we wouldn't speak and I actually began enjoying these respites, as the kids and I got to spend time talking, reading and playing while my wife locked herself in her room. That would end when my wife and I reconciled but the periods between arguments and related periods of non-communication decreased while their length increased.

This whole time I've never given up hope that I'd be able to help her through this and understand how counter-productive her treatment of the kids actually was and how unhealthy her constant anger was. All I got was blame, blame and more blame. And if I would get upset with her accusations she'd accuse me of being unstable and overly sensitive. If I reacted to her calling me a closet f***** (sorry, her words not mine), a pussy, an embarrassment of a husband, a worthless father, or whatever else she'd come up with then I was a being an ass who didn't care about his sick wife.

She called our 9 year old son a worthless piece of shit, an ass, a horrible son, lazy, selfish, etc... Told him he was such horrible kid it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. I stepped in but always paid for it. I'd give him a hug and kiss before bed, still in tears, and tell him that while he needed to always to work on his behavior that I would always love him and that nothing would change that. Fortunately I had to do that far less with our 5 year old daughter but she would wasn't immune to that kind of treatment. Both kids were becoming more and more withdrawn but my wife insisted it was my fault.

Everything came to a head today. My wife had not spoken to myself or the kids in a week except for the occasional snide remark. I'd been sleeping on the couch and trying to spend as much time as I could with the kids.

I got a call from her at work Thursday morning, and she immediately told me 'my' son was going to get his ass beat when he got home. I asked what he did and she told me he was running down the sidewalk with some kids instead of waiting at the bus stop like he was told to. I asked what else he did and she immediately snapped that she'd told him previously not to move from the bus stop and he needs to learn to do what he's told. She went on to say how she is not going to be legally responsive for an ass that won't listen to her. I told her that I couldn't talk any longer as I had a meeting I was going to be late to and that I'd call later. She was furious and texted me a few minutes later, telling me what a worthless father I was and not to call.

Later in the day I went to a dentist's appointment and after leaving got another text asking why the hell I didn't respond. I texted back, asking what was going on and was told 'my loss'. Being close to home I decided to postpone running some errands and went straight home to find an empty house. My wife had taken my daughter out for some errand but my son was due home any second. She didn't come back for another 45 minutes and major rain storms had been hitting the last few days. He would've been stuck outside if I hadn't decided to head home early.

She quickly came in and started yelling at him and I told her I handled it but she immediately started yelling at me about my lack of parenting. I told her if she was going to yell that I wasn't going to stand there and take it. I told her we could talk later but she just started yelling what a big fucking pussy i was, right in front of our son. I put my hands up in way of surrender, backed up, turned and started to walk away.

Then I heard her hit our son, who immediately started crying. From where they were standing and where he was holding his hands she had hit him in the face.

I immediately yelled and told her to stop and get her hands off of him. She responded by charging past me to the phone and said she was going to call my mom and tell her how fucked in the head i was and how I was contributing to his behavior by refusing to discipline him. Then she said she was going to call the police. Stunned, I told her that was insane, she'd just struck our son, not me.

At that point I realized I could hear our son crying hysterically in the other room. Confused, i told my wife as much and said I was going to check on him and that she need to put the damn phone down and if anyone was calling the police it was me.

As I turned to check on our son I heard a massive crash. My wife had taken my brand new 27" iMac and slammed it down and completely smashed the glass and display.

While she went upstairs I stood dumbfounded at what had just happened. I then ran into the other room to check on my son. His face was still red but he otherwise was ok. I got him calmed down and went to find my wife. She had locked herself in our bedroom and was talking to my mom, lying about how she was afraid for her and the kids and I had chased her in there and forced her to lock me out.

At that point it hit me that our marriage was over and that I needed to consider the kids. She ignored my requests to open the door and continued to try to provoke me by lying about what had happened. I collected myself and went back downstairs and checked on my son. He seemed a bit shaken so I talked with him for awhile and just told him I'd never leave him and that the hitting and yelling and name calling weren't going to happen any more.

My wife came down with her cell and told me if I'd calmed down enough that I could speak with my mother. I was absolutely stunned that she was so obviously posturing and painting a picture of a frail, sick wife hounded by her angry husband. My wife had never shown any type of behavior like this before, she use to be someone that i considered to be the most honest person i knew. I explained to my mom what really happened and over the next hour finally told her what had been happening over the last year or so. We live about a 6 hour drive away from my parents but they suspected something was up. We hadn't been home to see them in quite awhile (my wife has no relationship with her parents or family).

At this point it was late and I wasn't sure if I should call the police over her striking our son in the face and the destruction of the computer. I was (and still am) in such a fog I can't really think clearly. I don't know what to do at the moment but I made it clear to my mom that either way, the marriage was over… she recommended calling a lawyer this morning before I do anything.

After finally telling my mom what had been happening I realized how bad things really were. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed by the guilt of not having done something sooner or doing more to protect the kids. But I'm also worried as my wife has changed her mind and said she's not moving out until I get a psych evaluation. My biggest concern is that she's going to try to frame me as the angry psycho husband and take my daughter away. I keep telling myself that it's not likely as both kids openly admit they're scared of mom but I have this nagging doubt and have heard too many horror stories about husbands losing their kids. My son also told me he heard us arguing the night my wife hit me and described the whole thing in detail. He said he got out of bed and put his ear to the HVAC vent and heard her hit me and my stunned and repeated response of 'i can't believe you hit me'.

I know I'm not the perfect father or husband but I try really hard to improve every day and try not to quit on anything or anyone. I just can't believe that I'm sitting here typing this, knowing that I'll soon be an almost middle aged single father raising (hopefully) two kids on his own. I sincerely believed that I would never be someone who got a divorce. I naively believed divorces happened to other people that didn't try hard enough. I hope my wife realizes she needs help but I can let her hurt our kids any more.

I'm sorry Reddit, I have no one else to tell this to but i had to get it off my chest. Between this and the AMA no one knows more than you… It's almost 1AM but I'm going to wait to post this until Friday morning, I'm going to play a bit of Portal 2 to clear my head before I crash on the couch. I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer on how to cope, what I might do to help my kids cope and anything related to the coming divorce and what I can do to make sure I protect myself, the kids and get full custody.

Pre-post edit on what happened this morning: My wife was going to take the kids and leave due to my issues and actually called my family doctor and told them I was acting crazy and scaring her and the kids (not the case in any way shape or form). Told her I'd call the police if she tried to leave with them. She's also sending emails and texts to my parents and a co-worker of mine about how I'm bipolar and schizo and a big mess. To show I have nothing to hide, I agreed to go in and talk to my doctor and be evaluated this morning.

Took both kids with me, I was concerned my wife would take off with them. My son cried that he was missing school as he didn't want to stay home with her. He then said he wanted to stay away from me because mom told him I was sick. Explained to him that I was fine, just upset over what happened yesterday and just a bit tired... he was still bothered about my lost work and broken computer (more than the yelling and hitting). He couldn't believe how mad she was to do something like that.

Talked to the nurse (they put the kids in another room) and then talked to the doctor. She thinks i'm borderline depressed with everything i've been dealing with but is very concerned about the family overall. She discouraged me from escalating legally and involving the police for fear of making things worse but I told her that my biggest concern was for the kids well-being. I mentioned that when my wife started having seizures over a year ago things got a lot worse. I wasn't sure if it was the stress or the anti-seizure meds as my wife had never, ever acted like this before. I'm not sure what to do. My doctor wants my wife to come in and get checked out but I told her the biggest issue is that my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing. She insists the problem is me and the kids stressing her out.

I contacted my boss and then HR (both were enormously supportive), I'm taking some FLMA time off to regroup. The woman in HR gave me her personal cell# and the name of several psychologists and SW's that she thought could help.

My wife came down to talk to me after we got home and seemed surprised I wasn't kept on a psych hold. I told her what the doc told me about being borderline depressed and wanting to see her which she ignored before starting to accuse me of being the problem again.

I don't see how we can stay married at this point, she thinks there's nothing wrong with her behavior. I'm going to start by making some phone calls and lawyering up.

Last point, my wife has completely changed her personality as of this morning. She gave our son a big hug, the first affection i've seen in almost two years. And when the kids and I were sitting at the table drawing he showed her his drawing and she commented how wonderful it was (instead of 'why are you wasting your time drawing fantasies like some freak') as per normal. He's very confused as to why mom's being nice all the sudden.

EDIT: It's 11PM and i'm spent. i'll be on a bit this weekend but plan on spending the day outside with the kids. Found a few more highly recommended lawyers to add to the list that i'll be contacting.

EDIT #2: Saturday morning... I think my wife spoke with a lawyer on Friday, she slipped while asking if I picked one out yet. I'm going to tell her I'm going to work Monday but instead go and speak with whoever I can.

EDIT #3: 11:14PM, was on and responded to a few... back to working on my documentation for Monday.

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Update - Added by OOP to same post - 4 May 2011 (5 days later)

Complete roller coaster the last few days. wasn't going to fight for custody then she was. found out this morning that when she met with our family doctor on monday that she was given an ultimatum- go to family therapy or doc was calling CPS. I've asked 4 times and been denied 4 times, always with ridiculous excuses (no point, won't matter, they'll see how sick I really am [as in me, not her]). Left a message for the doctor about where we're at. She's got a lawyer and is meeting next week but I have two consultations in the next two days. And first thing I want to know is how to get her OUT. She's done some extremely hurtful things to our kids the last couple of days. She doesn't fucking care about them in the slightest. I'll post a full update in a new thread later. Too much shit has happend to keep adding here.

Comments

Do you think your wife even loves your kids?

>Our younger daughter maybe... but she rarely interacts with her. at best she'll take her on a short errand. as much as it pains me to write this... she hates our son. resents him in every way shape and form.

You need to take some concrete steps to move forward.

>I'm lawyering up and getting out asap. Just seeing the kids act more like themselves today while we were out getting lunch made me realize how bad it's been.

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