u/Choice_Evidence1983

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/unraveledwords

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Trigger Warnings: >!accusations of infidelity, gaslighting!<

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Original Post: May 12, 2026

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality, so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him. He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship, and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend, and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment. It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend, and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend, and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it, and she said she would be down, so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea. He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own. This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me. We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends, so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Classic. He wanted to open up the relationship because he thought he'd get to sleep with other people, now he's mad & trying to punish because you had success on the apps and he didn't.

You didn't misunderstand, he's lying because he played himself and wants to make it your fault. > > Commenter 2: For real. This happens so much, it is practically a cliche. The man wants to open the relationship to get some side action, inevitably it is way easier for the partnered woman to find others, and the man gets pissed off about her success and wants to shut things down. OP, this isn’t for you to fix. Your boyfriend needs to own his actions rather than punishing you for them. Until he does that, I wouldn’t be trying to beg for his forgiveness. His behavior is juvenile and a red flag. > > The only comment for you is don't block the people you slept with without communicating. That isn't cool. They deserve respect and you shouldn’t try an open relationship if you are going to treat others poorly. You can simply say that you are taking a step back to focus on your primary relationship, won't be reaching out again and prefer not to be contacted. But blocking without saying anything is not cool. >> >> OOP: After receiving a few comments saying to unblock the girl I definitely will be! She was really great and I think we could have a friendship if nothing else now. I just did it out of blind panic because I wanted to salvage my relationship

Commenter 3: I didn't quite understand your post... Does your boyfriend know you had sex with another guy (not a girl)? If so, that's probably the real reason for his anger.

But either way, it's his fault. He shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if it wasn't a sincere decision.

> OOP: He knows about both now as he began questioning me about it when I told him about the girl

Downvoted Commenter: In the eyes of most poly relationships you have cheated. You said you made the new people aware of your BF, but did he know you were actively going on dates and intending to sleep with people? Usually opening the relationship means having honest open communication about your actions and intentions with other partners, not the ins and outs of the activities just an understanding that somethings brewing. I don't think you guys have the right communication and maturity for an open relationship. In terms of earning his trust back, it will take a lot of time and effort but it's difficult for things to ever go back to how they were.

> OOP: I didn’t tell him at all about the guy until he asked, but I was under the impression that he knew I had slept with the girl. I guess it is poor communication on my behalf that he didn’t understand the nature of my relationship with her. The reason why I didn’t tell him details is because I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing the ins and outs of what my boyfriend was doing with other people and I stupidly assumed he felt the same. I just assumed that he was, and assumed he knew I was as that was what we had both agreed to do

Commenter 4: You didn't misunderstand. He's lying.

Commenter 5: "How do I earn his trust back?" What are you talking about??? How did you lose his trust? You agreed on an open relationship. Dump this insecure hypocritical boy.

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Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: May 13, 2026 (same post, next day)

UPDATE: Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention, and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new job opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar, but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know.

Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this, but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/un-conventional-mum

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!medical issues, bodily fluids, entitlement!<

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Original Post: May 1, 2026

My almost 2 year old had an ileostomy reversal last month. It went well but the side effects of the surgery is that he has constant bowel movements (every 10-15 mins) and due to the fact that he has never used his bum before in the entire 20 months of life the constant exposure of stool to his skin has cause a SEVERE diaper rash.

Up until a week ago his skin was horrid, but I have perfected my system and have managed to clear 99% of his diaper rash. It’s mainly just me changing him the moment he goes and changing his diet / making sure he eats (if he goes more than 2 hours without eating during the day he gets terrible diarrhea which makes rash come back full force).

In-laws want our son to visit for Mother's day at MIL's mother's home because they haven't seen him in over a month. I have reservations because the ride there is long and we will have to pull over multiple times to change him. And more importantly we can't even go to their house because he will NOT eat there at all and never has.

But say he does happen to eat there (again has never happened idk why he won't eat at MIL's house either) we will have to bring all of our supplies, and I will basically just have him in room changing him every 10 minutes. Also, sometimes when he goes he screams in pain and I really don't want to deal with my husband's entire family (they celebrate all mothers in the family not just Mil) trying to step in and tell me what to do (we can't ease his pain he just has to pass it). If we go to a restaurant the same problems arise just in a more crowded and louder place

Husband believes son's bowel movements have gotten more steady because his rash is gone and that means we can start going places. That is not the case, they are still erratic, I just stay on top of everything (it can take months or years to steady) I told him he can visit his family alone, but I could tell it hurt him. My in-laws believe we can go one day with him having diarrhea because I have gotten a handle on how to treat his skin, but I don't want to risk compromising all the progress I've made.

I offered them to come to us (living with my rents for rn) but they won't hear it even though my parents will go to my husband family's homes for joint celebrations (despite our house being bigger and able to accommodate both families unlike any of theirs can) I told them if they really wanted to see our son they would suck it up and come here but no one has responded.

Thank you for all your support!! I would love to respond to everyone but answering comments takes time away from my son and his changes so I probably won't be responding.

EDIT!! I would like to clarify my husband can't help, he's at work and my son will not allow him to change his diapers Anyways. He was traumatized with the constant prodding of the doctors at the hospital and only allows me to change him. I won't force my son to be stressed even if it stresses me. My husband does try on the weekends, but it is extremely upsetting for all 3 of us.

My husband isn't ignoring the issues, he genuinely thinks he's gotten better due to his rash being gone and the fact that his nightly changes went from 9 times to only 1-2 (YES!!) His bowels HAVE steadied at night but not yet during the day that will take much longer. Unfortunately, my husband only sees the nights not days.

Someone in the comments mentioned a "log" log and I will DEFINITELY be using that to show him things are not as well as he thinks. Thank you to the commenter who suggested this!! I will be updating him CONSTANTLY because I do spend 80% of my day cleaning up poop lol

Also I never mind seeing our mothers on the day, I just want time for me too. And my husband has to work even on weekends to support us. We spend A LOT of money on my son's supplies (600+ a week), and insurance doesn't cover most of the things we actually need. Our rainy day savings of nearly $20,000 drained the first year of our son's live due to his disease before anyone says why did we have a kid with no money. We had money, we just weren't expecting this disease to burden our son

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: “I will not make my child suffer to see anybody on earth. anyone who wants a child to suffer is not going to be in my child’s life.“

shame on your husband and in-laws why can’t they come to you? NTA

> OOP: This is basically my standpoint. I'm not putting my son's health at risk for their feelings

Has OOP considered about the cloth diapering?

> OOP: we go through about 20-30 disposals diapers a day. We wanted to try cloth, but our wound care nurse advised against it as they aren't as good as disposables when it comes wicking away moisture. Plus I would probably spend 95% of my free time doing laundry if we had disposable. We are looking to potty train once his bowels steady a bit more though so hopefully that helps!

> Unfortunately our wound care team advised against cloth and suggested disposable diapers because they have higher absorbency and moisturize wicking properties :/ we could switch over now though considering his rash is gone! But considering we just got his skin fixed I rather wait for a bit before changing anything.

Commenter 2: NTAH your son has more critical needs than to have to take a road trip. The in laws should come to you or nothing at all.

> OOP: I have offered them to come over often. We have a huge nee park right behind our backyard they could meet us at if being in my parents’ house was the issue, but they refuse so I stopped offering.

Commenter 3: Unless my child had an appointment with Jesus to touch the helm of his garment to be healed, I'm not going to cause any unnecessary harm on my child in order for them to see anybody.

> OOP: I wish they thought like this. They did this same selfish stuff when he got out the nicu and with his second surgery about not being able to see him immediately

Commenter 4: Your husband is kinda being a dick here. It’s like your second Mother’s Day, he should be celebrating YOU not adding more work onto your plate. I despise MIL’s who demand to be celebrated when their children have their own children. Sorry your husband cares more about his Mom than he does you, and baby. NTA

> OOP: Yeah hopefully he has something planned for me this year. Last year I had to pick a restaurant on the spot and got a 15 minute meal that we had to box up to go straight to his mom's lol. I'm assuming he's not that dumb after I complained about it

OOP on if her husband has done any diaper changes and see the routine she does to help with their son's health?

> OOP: He's at work most of the day so he doesn't see all I do during. Especially since my son has stopped going so much at night thankfully. What used to be 9 changes is only 1-2 at night so I don't necessarily blame him for thinking it's better, but the days are still the same. I'll definitely have to hammer it in though

> Unfortunately, no, he has to work even on weekends normally. The amount of supplies we go through in just 2 days can cost up to $150 to replace and that’s not even including diapers. We spend nearly 500 dollars a week on our son. Insurance won't cover any of this and being that I haven't been able to work since he was born due to his disease our financials rely heavily on my husband's work ethic.

Commenter 5: Your son is the priority. There is no reason to travel. Your son’s well-being takes priority. You could always message your doctor with your concerns. Perhaps they will respond with a “no, your son cannot travel.”

> OOP: Our surgeon didn't specify not to travel but DID tell us do not take him places you don't think he will eat for at least 6 months. I definitely will remind my husband that was said.

OOP on why her MIL is being bitter

> OOP: I think it's because she had a different idea of what being a first time grandparent would be. Her mother practically raised my husband and his brother so she thought the same would happen? It didn't pan out that way and she's blamed me a lot for taking away her right to be a good grandmother.

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Update: May 14, 2026 (almost two weeks later)

UPDATE: AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and apologize for my lack of responses. I really tried to read everything and reply to questions that were asking for advice about treating diaper rash but if I responded to everyone my son would have the reddest bum ever.

I did NOT show my husband the post initially because the adult thing for me to do was talk to him and give him a chance to explain and also hear my opinions.

He did not understand why we couldn't just visit his family for only an hour or two, so I made sure he understood why.

On Saturday I asked him to day the day off so he could stay home and see how our son acted and all he went through. Nearly 40 diaper changes, the screaming and crying with each bowel move, the lack of personal time or breaks you actually get when taking care of a medically fragile child.

I think by noon he understood why we couldn't bring our son to his family.

I again asked him if his parents would mind coming to us (to meet at the park behind our home) he told me they would not no matter how we worded it, no matter what we did they just don't get it and won't try to. I tried to be understanding because he is always stuck in the middle, but I stood my ground. I wouldn't risk my son's health for their feelings and I'm not compromising any more than I have already tried. If my in-laws REALLY wanted to see our son they would drive to us to see him.

Mother's day came around and my lovely parents (who we live with) watched our son (he was generous enough to let my mum change him) while we went out on a MUCH needed date! It was the break I needed, and it felt incredible to reconnect with my husband.

My husband did eventually go see his family (stayed for an hour or two) and I got to spend the rest of the day with my son. My husband didn't tell me anything that happened when he got back but I did get a text message from my MIL that read: "Happy Mother's day OP, I hope you get everything you wanted."

Not sure if it was genuine or a dig but I said thank you and wished her and her family well!

I did eventually show him the post, and he apologized for not realizing how he was treating us. He has decided to go to therapy to work on his boundaries with his parents and hopefully to become a better communicator with me.

Thank you for reading and I hope all of you are doing well! Also, if anyone is struggling with curing a diaper rash don't hesitate to message me!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Aww, this is fantastic!! Please, NEVER back down, and don't feel bad when you do

Your mom is an absolute blessing, tell your husband not to forget that 1 day, NEVER, so that any time his parents try to pull anything, it will stiffen up his spine

> OOP: Will do!! He's already starting to notice the differences in how our parents behave

Commenter 2: “I hope you got everything you wanted”. What a bitch. > > Commenter 3: Oh she one hundred percent meant it as snarky and mean. Glad OP is classy enough to not let it bother her. 💅🏼. >> >> OOP: My mum raised me to be nice up front and back away when needed. I do it A LOT. I think it drives my MIL insane that I don't blow up

Commenter 4: It’s amazing how your Son allowed your Mom to change him on the day you needed a break yet won’t allow his Dad or anyone else near him to do it any other time, so you have to do it constantly. Hope your little boy continues to be on the mend and things improve more for him going forward.

> OOP: He sees my mom a lot more! She works from home sometimes and she likes to check in on him every now and then. She's very gentle with him too and that definitely helps. But he does let his dad help now!!! I just have to be nearby

Commenter 5: It's funny, when you said you couldn't take a trip, my mind immediately thought, "I wonder what medical issues the baby has?" Mainly because I assumed MIL's house was far away, and it'd probably take you 5 hours to get there if you had to stop a lot, and would still be miserable because you couldn't enjoy festivities. Then I looked at the link & was like, "Wow, MIL really has no clue, does she? And why is everything about her?"

> OOP: That's the crazy part, she DOES know what goes on because she was in on the call when the doctors explained everything that would happen to him for the next couple of months

OOP on setting boundaries with her own parents when it comes to care for her son

> OOP: I set boundaries with my parents and don't allow them to take care of my son because they already spent half their lives caring for me and my seven other siblings. my son is my responsibility to take over not theirs. We have the entire top floor to ourselves, and my son sees my parents for 1hr a day at (they still work my parents are in their late 40s and my son sleeps by 7pm). I do not have a close relationship with my father (we talk maybe once a month he's just not a talker and stays to himself) but I am very close with my mother as is my husband. My parents are roommates, not caregivers we all like it that way. No enmeshing here, I made it clear when my son was born that the only people who will raise my son is the people who made him. I'm not sure how you got enmeshing from this just because we have to live here.

OOP on her husband spending more time with their son after his own experience with changing diapers

> OOP: He does spend time with him when he gets home. But there's only an hour slot for that. He gets off an hour before our son sleeps so they spend that time alone together (outside of changes). I think hearing about diaper changes and seeing it happen are very different. Like it sounds like a lot but once you actually see it it's A LOT if that makes sense.

> He can't take off weekends :/ he's the manager and runs everything. But he has started to go in early to work so he can be home early to see us! That's helped a lot

Is OOP's son the only grandchild on her husband's side?

> OOP: My son is the only grandchild and there's only two sons in the mix. Last year we did spend mother's day at her home so I'm not opposed to it. But my son had an ostomy bag then, so it was easier to travel. Now it isn't possible safely. They do understand but because it’s going to be at least a year of this they think it’s okay to break safety protocols every once and awhile which I don't agree with. Thank you for the encouragement!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwra_notrad

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[New Update]: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a trad wife then she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when asked?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: >!possible struggles with mental health, entitlement, misogyny, financial exploitation, neglect, possible public humiliation!<

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RECAP

Original Post: June 5, 2025

I’m 35 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together 15 years. The last couple of years she’s really fell down the trad wife black hole and it’s driving me crazy. At first it started off with her saying she doesn’t want to work anymore and lately it has escalated to saying men who make their wives work are abusive.

We both have well paid jobs. I’m a self-employed builder with a team and earn around £100k a year. She works in management for the NHS and earns around £50k a year. We both work (I guess I should say worked for her) really hard and have no kids and three years ago managed to pay our mortgage off and lived in a nice enough area where I would have happily stayed forever. She, however, suddenly wanted a massive house that we didn’t need. I should have saw what was coming. She was looking at £700k houses which would require a mortgage of £500k after we sold our house.

I gave in and we bought a house. She then wanted a new car which again I caved to and she got a car that is worth more than she earns a year. She then decided she didn’t want to work anymore. She said her job was crap and I said take a lower paid one then that you’ll enjoy more. She said no. She just doesn’t want to work full stop. She also doesn’t want to give up anything she has. Over the past couple of years it has been obvious she is trying to lose her job without leaving despite me saying that I can’t afford the house and car and holidays on my own.

She started bringing this trad wife crap up but said she’d want to hire a cleaner as the house is too big for her to clean alone and she prefers my cooking to hers, so I’ll still do all the cooking! So I said you basically want to dress up pretty and bake the odd cake. She stormed off and said I don’t get it.

She again brought it up yesterday and I said fine she can do it, but she’s got to get up before me and make sure my breakfast is ready like in the videos she watches. she’s got to be dressed as a sexy version of a 50s housewife like in the videos she watches from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. The house must be spotless at all times like in the videos she watches. I want huge packed lunches for work like in the videos she watches. I want to come home and have beautiful pies and cakes ready for pudding like in the videos she watches. I want a bath ran for when I get in and then come down to a proper meal every night like in the videos she watches. I then want a foot rub while I eat the cakes and pies she makes like in the videos she watches. I also want sex on demand, how I want it when I want it, like in the videos she watches.

She called me abusive, a user, sexist etc. and stormed out to her equally delusional sisters house (don’t get me started on her). I’ll be honest I’m ready for divorce if this carries on. AITAH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Get the divorce, mate. It’ll be cheaper and less stressful than dealing with a crazy wife every minute of the day and night. It’s not about the ’tradwife’ lifestyle, she simply doesn’t want to work. She merely wants to sit on her backside, enjoy the things she has badgered you into paying for, and do nothing. There is a lot of this kind of crazy going around. It won’t get any better either. What will it be next? Vacations on the French Riviera? A bigger, nicer, (more expensive) car? The list goes on and on.

> OOP: I am leaning this way mate. I think a divorce is more likely than anything else at this moment in time. Luckily she’s afraid of flying so I’ve managed to avoid the expensive holidays apart from the odd Eurostar trip to Paris. She’s makes me feel like a ten pound millionaire though trying to be something we aren’t. I know we are better off than most, but we don’t earn footballers money which is what I think she aspires to.

Commenter 2: Trad wife is a form of co-dependency. If that’s what you are interested in living like, you do you. But consider what the next 15 years will look like.

Take it from someone whose partner of 20 years is a dependent for health reasons, it’s not the life for everyone. Look inward at your motivations and what you want from the relationship and what you are willing to give up for it. NTA

> OOP: I am leaning toward leaving. I didn’t sign up for codependency.

Commenter 3: You don't mention kids, so I presume there are none. Leave her mate, she's no god, or actually just tell her to figure it out on her own, I bet she comes crawling back pretty quick.

> OOP: We have no kids. I think I’m leaning toward divorce.

Commenter 4: Definitely not the AH. Could y'all go for marital counseling or sum?

> OOP: I’ve asked she is not interested in the slightest.

Commenter 5: You were crazy to agree to the 700k house. You'll be ok, but it makes things so much tougher. If she wanted that, why not save up with the old house and then work up to the new one and both of you work together?

> OOP: That’s what I suggested. With my job we could have bought a cheese house, done it up and made some money and then moved upwards slowly and stayed debt free. I have modified our house a bit and it’s probably worth £800k now but it’s still not a nice feeling having such a big mortgage and knowing she wants me to cover it alone.

OOP on his wife needing to contribute to the relationship and they both could have an affordable lifestyle

> OOP: I agree with you completely. I have no problem with it if it’s an affordable lifestyle. If we stayed at our old house I could afford it. Now we have a £2500 a month mortgage and £700 car payments! That’s 32k a year straight away! > > I think she wants to be a sugar baby, but I don’t want to be a sugar daddy! I want an equal partner.

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Update #1: June 10, 2025 (five days later)

Original: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/CIRJW0L5Ej

I’d like To answer a few questions from my first post before an update.

No my requests were not serious, and I can’t believe how many people thought they were. It was me trying to prove a point of how ridiculous she is being. Like I said in the comments I don’t want a maid or a slave I want a partner.

Before my wife got on this train she was a very ambitious, career driven person who wanted to climb to the top. She was never really on social media until the pandemic. The trad wife thing started a couple of years ago.

A lot of people suggested couples counselling. I’ve asked many times and always get the same response “I don’t need counselling there’s nothing wrong with me”.

On to the update. We spoke Saturday morning and I told her that I can’t go on like this. I said to her bluntly the trad wife thing is never happening and she either accepts it and we go to couples counselling or we split up. I’m don’t dancing around her bullshit. She chose to split up. I asked her if she even really wanted to be a trad wife or if she’s just trying to force me away, like she’s trying to force her job to sack her because she doesn’t have the balls to quit herself. She said yes she does and there’s plenty of dating sites that cater to this dynamic. I told her I’d seen them, and they are more sugar daddy dynamics and without being horrible she’s too old for that.

This set her off. She said I’m wrong and that I’m the one who can’t support my wife so I’m the bad one in the marriage and a real man would be able to give her the life she wants. She was shouting and screaming this at the top of her lungs. It’s about the only time I’ve been glad to be in our new house, so the neighbours didn’t hear. I got a bit petty at the real man comment and said, “you can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have sex, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?” I then stole a comment from my last post and said she doesn’t want to be a trad wife she wants to be a trophy wife.

She just said I’m unbelievable and has gone to her sisters again. I’m going to take the next couple of weeks and start talking to a divorce lawyer to see what this entails. Then once this ball has got rolling I’m fucking off to Portugal for a couple of weeks to myself.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Marriage is a partnership, not a service package. Good luck with your journey towards finding a true equal.

> OOP: Agreed. I want a partnership not a business arrangement.

Commenter 2: Yeah, you two are just not compatible. Good luck with your journey towards finding your other half, who will actually discuss things with you instead of name-calling and gas-lighting.

> OOP: Agreed. It’s heartbreaking. I miss the woman my wife was so much. She was an inspiration to me.

Was there something that triggered the change in OOP's wife?

> OOP: The pandemic when she started spending all day on social media and then seeing her niece make half a million a year from onlyfans. It turned her bitter.

OOP explains on what will happen in the divorce and who gets what

> OOP: Everything will be split 50/50 as per UK law.

Commenter 3: So she doesn’t want to have a job, meaning the household income drops by 50K. But she also wants bigger, better expenses and hired help, on just your income.

This is like “have her checked for a brain tumor” levels of stupidity on her part. You need to get out before she bankrupts you.

> OOP: Yep with the new house and car she’s dropped £550k debt on us then announced she doesn’t plan on working anymore so it’s all on me. When I said ok, but we’ll have to downsize and sell the car she said no. She wants all of it plus help plus no working.

OOP describes his wife's personality before the pandemic

> OOP: She was loving, funny, sweet, kind, fun, ambitious, work hard play hard woman, she was daring and confident. The pandemic came, she spent all day watching videos on her phone and just became really bitter with life and people.

+

> She used to be very attractive but, I feel awful saying this, she’s had a lot of lip fillers, Botox, fake boobs and she’s lost a lot of her looks. I look at photos of her from 4-5 years ago and she was glowing with happy eyes and a beautiful smile. Now it’s all gone. I look at her twin sister, who she calls old looking, and I think she looks so fresh.

Has OOP asked for anything from his wife?

> OOP: I didn’t ask anything. She asked for more. She wanted a bigger house and a nicer car. She’s the one who wanted to stop having sex and said if she ever wanted ANY physical contact she’d initiate, and I’m not allowed to. She’s the one who asked for everything. I never asked for anything.

OOP on the alimony in his area

> OOP: We don’t have that here.

Commenter 4: So this is her midlife crisis. Neat. Fun fact: a lot of women who are in perimenopause (her age) go through this.

That doesn't excuse it and you definitely need couples therapy even if you do wind up divorcing.

> OOP: She got tested about six months ago. All hormone levels are fine.

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Update #2: August 17, 2025 (two months later from Update #1)

UPDATE 2: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a tradwife she always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when I ask?

I’m 35 my ex-wife is 40 and we have no kids.

About two and a half months ago I posted about my wife leaving me because I refused to live the tradwife lifestyle.

In my original post I mentioned the big house and car she got me in debt for over half a million pounds and then decided she didn’t want to work anymore.

Starting with the car. After she left I took half our savings and half the money in our joint account and put it in my own bank account. I told her to take the rest (around £60k), and she can either pay off the car with the money or keep the money, and I’ll take the car back as it’s in my name. She said neither she’s keeping both. This has been a struggle that ended with me having to ring the police to assist me in taking the car back. I got there and the police were already there. My ex was crying, the two police officers looked at me like I was a piece of shit, my sister in law was shouting “yeah take her independence and go back to your mansion while she sleeps in the spare room” the neighbours were all out looking. I very nearly caved and told her to just keep it but it’s £1.5k a month I can’t warrant. I took it, sold it, and had to pay £12000 difference in what I owed on it. I’ll be honest I was expecting worse.

Now the house. We paid £700k for it with 200 down. I’ve spent about 100 on it doing it up and when I got valued I was pleasantly surprised at £1m and even more surprised that within two weeks of it going on the market it’s sold to one of my neighbours! A lovely Indian family who had asked me to work on their house, but they said it’s just easier to move in to mine! They do however want me to build a granny annex on the side once they’ve completed the purchase. That’ll be another couple of months yet but we’ll both walk away with around £250k each and I’ll be looking to buy a house for around £200k so I’ll be back to mortgage free and debt free in a couple of months!

On to my wife. She’s still living at her sisters and as far as I’m aware hasn’t found anyone who wants a 40 year old tradwife who doesn’t cook, clean, or have sex. She has asked me back twice, but I’ve said no. One was a drunken proposition the other one more heartfelt. It’s too late now though. We’ve already started the divorce proceedings and that should be done early next year.

All I’ve been doing is working and plodding along. Nothing else I really can do. I thought I’d update because I still get 10-20 messages a week asking how I’m doing, and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

Relevant Comments

**Commenter 1: ** She has no one to blame but herself. And maybe TikTok. Good for you! Better luck next wife. > > Commenter 2: The sad thing for the good women out there is there's a good chance op won't want another wife or serious relationship. > > There are a lot of men like him that just never get serious again. > > So when a good woman asks where the good men are, the answer is the same as most of the good women, taken or not all that interested after being hurt. >> >> OOP: At this moment in time that is what I’m thinking. I’m thinking just stay alone and just get someone casual for going out for dinner or the cinema or to go on holiday with a couple of times of year.

OOP clarifies on his ex's sister's background

> OOP: Sister is a single mum who lives on benefits.

Commenter 3: Just saying people like your wife won the lottery taking 1/2 while not contributing anywhere near 1/2 .

> OOP: She worked for a lot of years and earned good money. It’s only the last couple of years she’s turned this way.

OOP on his ex's health wise and if she had been tested

> OOP: I was genuinely worried she had a brain tumour or something but turns out she was just brain washed.

> Yeah she’s been for all sorts of tests etc. and all clear.

Commenter 4: So she has £250k with which to start her new life? I feel like this divorce still worked out well for her, even though she isn't going to live her trad wife dreams.

> OOP: I’m sure she’ll have burnt through it in a year or two. The last couple of years she’s been spending money like a drunken sailor.

Downvoted Commenter: Taking half the money before the divorce financial remedy settlement isn't wise. If she spends her half completely and rocks up to financial remedy hearing with nothing to her name, she's still entitled to half of what's in husband's account as it was earned as a matrimonial asset. Doesn't matter who spent what before the hearing. Its what's available in the pot and what debt there is on the day of the hearing, along with future housing needs.

> OOP: Here in the uk I’ve been assured that the documents we signed when we split are legally binding and cannot be contested.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: May 2, 2026 (over 8.5 months later from Update #2)

I’m 36 ex-wife is 41. No kids involved.

This all started about a year ago. I still have people asking for updates which really appreciate so I’ll post one here. I tried on AITAH but for some reason it wouldn’t post. I don’t know if I’ve been banned or something. I’ll post on my profile and hope people see it.

So the divorce is now finalised. We agreed to split the profits from the house, and we’d have got about £230k each after fees etc. Then about a week before it was all ready to go through she decided she as entitled to half my business too. She argued she help me grow it and I couldn’t do it without her. When challenged she didn’t even know the address for the yard and couldn’t name a single one of my employees. Didn’t prove anything though and it was getting messy and looking like I’d have to give her something because it started and grew while we were married. In the end we agreed she could keep all the spare money from the sale of the house, and we’d call it quits at that.

My plans to buy a cheaper house with half the equity from the house and live mortgage free were now up in smoke. I left with no money from the house I paid for and modernised and shed already had half the bank account and half the savings and I had to pay 12 grand out of my own pocket when I cancelled the finance agreement on her that I was paying for.

Feeling down I did something spontaneous. I bought a plot of land, moved a big static caravan on there and lived in there while I’m building my own house on my own plot of land. There’s no rush to do it and I can just plod along at my own pace.

My ex is still living with her sister but also has a young boyfriend in Egypt she met on holiday so is spending her time between her sisters and there. She doesn’t work still is just living on the half a million or so she got from me.

I don’t really do much other than work and build my house. Just trying to rebuild my life. The lads at work really help me they are a great bunch. They keep trying to set me up on dates etc. but I’m a bit too scared I think. I’ve not really spoke to anyone since it all happened. A couple of women on here messaged me and sent me some helpful pictures which I appreciated though so thank you for that lol.

All in all thank you everyone for your kind words and reaching out you all really helped me and made me realise I wasn’t going crazy.

Thank you 🙏.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Critical-Willow-6270

Originally posted to r/atheism

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: My boss wants to us to pray with him

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Trigger Warnings: >!hostile workplace, discrimination!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: April 6, 2026

I've had my job for about five years now. I love my co-workers, they're great to work with and fun to be around.

Very recently our former boss got a new and better job and we wished her well because she was an amazing person and fantastic leader. Obviously we were sad to see her go.

Now we have a new boss and today he decided that we were all going to eat lunch together at the same table. Weird, but ok. He told us to join hands, bow our heads, and say a prayer before we could start our lunch.

Needless to say, I freaked out and told him that I didn't want to do that because I don't believe in God and that it makes me uncomfortable. He just shook his head and said "Well that's too bad. You might want to change your mind about that."

WTF does that mean? Can I be fired for this nonsense? Why is religion being shoved into every facet of life?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Yuck, I’d guess it depends on where you live. America? A red state? Right to work state? If you have your old bosses number id call them and see who to call to go above this bs, so far it’s not legal to force prayer.

> OOP: I live in Texas, so you never know what's legal or not, especially concerning religion.

Commenter 2: He is now going to take steps towards coming up with some bullshit ass reason firing you legally. in the name of Jesus. This is why I'm like Gustavo Fring from breaking bad with my atheism. I'll do all the silly songs and dances, but it won't mean anything. Because unfortunately most of the entire foundation of what runs the world believes in useless dogma

> OOP: I wish I could upvote this a million times for a Breaking Bad reference and your amazing username (love one piece)

Commenter 3: How did this person make it to being a boss doing something so wildly unprofessional. Go to your HR department immediately.

> OOP: That's what I'd like to know. I'm going to HR tomorrow.

Commenter 4:

> Can I be fired for this nonsense?

If you live in the US, the answer is yes. At-will employment wins out over anti-discrimination laws all the time. All he needs is a pretense to fire you, and you're gone. The bar for proving discrimination is so high that he'd have to pretty much write a confession that he fired you for being an atheist and send that confession to someone in an email so that it's accessible during discovery.

> OOP: I just think it's a pretty ridiculous reason to fire someone because I felt uncomfortable with forced prayer.

Commenter 5: The problem is that they can fire you for a million things. How big is the company and what state?

> OOP: Pretty big company and it's Texas (ugh).

Commenter 6: There's always my personal grace before a meal:

> Food is good. Thank you food for dying so that we could eat.

You can try saying that before the prayer really begins as a way to preempt the prayer.

Team lunches can be a thing. But, prayer should not be required. Try reporting him to HR for creating a hostile work environment.

Depending on where you are, that may backfire though.

> OOP: I will, thank you. I love having lunch with my coworkers so this was kind of a bummer. But they were weirded out by it too, so there's that.

&nbsp;

Update #1: April 8, 2026 (two days later)

UPDATE: My boss was admonished by higher ups after they spoke with me and my coworkers.

Hi everyone. I just thought that I'd give an update on the situation involving a lunch prayer with my boss.

After speaking with myself and my co workers who backed me up, he was given a stern warning and has apologized to us.

Thanks for everyone who commented on my original post and showed support/gave advice.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Higher ups terrified of arbitration.

> OOP: That's the truth! Even the way they responded to us reeked of "we don't want a lawsuit".

Commenter 2: It's a win, but I'd expect some kind of retaliation if I were you.

> OOP: At this point I wouldn't be surprised at anything because that forced apology probably pissed him off more.

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---

#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 13, 2026 (one month later)

I thought I'd like to share an update about my situation in which my boss made us pray with him during lunch.

After the first time it happened, he was admonished by his superior and apologized to us. A couple of weeks later, he decided to start "reevaluating" those of us who spoke out against the lunch prayers. Mind you, we've already had our evaluations and weren't due for another for a few months. It was starting to feel like retaliation.

So, we again reported him and apparently it was agreed that his actions were "inappropriate" and he was let go by the company.

So thank you for the advice and support!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I would have asked him to explain why his prayer thing was rejected by people instead of an apology.

> OOP: Tbh, his "apology" sucked and we were not impressed.

Commenter 2: He'll make more from his "legal defense fund" go fund me page in a month than he would in the next 2 years.

> OOP: I wouldn't be surprised. There's too many religious nuts around here.

Commenter 3: I’d watch out for further retaliation. You’ve just given a nutter a whole bunch of free time.

> OOP: Yeah some of us have already changed our phone numbers because we were getting calls from him and his (allegedly) grown son.

Commenter 4: Sadly, I fear this former boss will achieve martyr status among the Christian Nationalist crowd and litigate his “wrongful termination” to the max in civil court. If so, I hope he isn’t successful.

> OOP: One of my friend's mom told me we should've gone to the media with this. I think she's right.

Commenter 5: Thank you for sharing this wonderful update! Glad your company does not condone his nonsense.

> OOP: It took them about a month and also a possible retaliation but in the end they did the right thing.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Mysterious-Ruin-

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

Previous BoRU

[Old New Updates]: I ran from my abusive ex, and I think he found me

NEW UPDATES MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!domestic violence, stalking, harassment!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: July 4, 2023

I f (27) ran from my abusive ex when I was 4 months pregnant. I got into a different state. I legally changed my name, and I didn’t name my child the name we had agreed on. He didn’t know my social or my ID number. The only way he had of tracking me down was my name but that was gone, long gone. I had sign into domestic violence safe haven shelters to get into my own place and find a job. I had built a great life for me and my child.

I had planned running from him for a little over a year bc it felt like my only way out, he would always find me and drag me back. He made it out to if I don’t take my depression meds I act out and tried to harm myself. The police ended up believing him and became of no help. They brushed off all 4 of my DV calls as simple disagreements. I had saved up just a little over 10k in a bank account my mom had set up to help me get away and come to her so he wouldn’t find out about how much money I really had. My dad helped mostly by putting in a lot more then what I could. He would get suspicious and ask where all my money was going and I would pass it off as bills.

In my new town I’ve made very few people aware of my situation, it’s people that could help if something was to happen. These past 2 months I’ve been being watched by someone unknown. He’s always wearing a baseball cap and sun glasses but I could swear on my life it’s my ex. I ended up leaving work a few times due to having panic attacks from seeing the guy. He never interacts with me, only my coworkers. He waits until I’m out of ear shot to speak to order and he gives different names for his orders. My coworkers have thought it was strange bc he comes in almost every other week for a week straight for the past 2 months using different names. After this I went to the police station to speak to one of the people I made friends with and is aware of my situation. He said he would have patrol officers drive by my house and keep a look out.

I never seen him around my house or drive by it. I started getting letters in the mail that is from I believe is from him. No one signs them with their name. The envelope only ever has my old name and new address on it. The letters consist of him saying I love you and miss you. It never goes into detail about who is writing them. I took them to the police station to the one I’m friends with. He told me I need to find another place to stay for a while and file for a restraining order. I made a fake account and messaged one of my old friends. They said they was glad to hear from me, they are glad I’m ok, and that he’s been trying to report us as missing which I had already knew. That he’s still there working his old job, but he does go on week long trips and nobody knows where he’s going on them.

What’s keeping us from becoming a missing person’s case is my mom. Police had contact her and she told them everything. She showed them proof that I was in fact alive and doing well. She explain why I ran but she said she wouldn’t disclose my location. They ended up contacting me to confirm the story my mom gave them. The police finally after all this time believed me. They asked me if I wanted to come back to file charges or a restraining order. I told them no I want to stay where I’m at and to stay as far as I can from him.

Yesterday I had missed my mailman, and he left a slip that I need to sign for a letter. I haven’t order or request anything to have to sign for. I’m not on any government benefits or having any court case going on. I reactivated the fake Facebook and message my old friend again. She said she hasn’t heard anything, but she’ll ask. I keep it active and she messaged me early this morning. She said that there is some talk that he knows where I’m at and he’s thinking about going to court and take me for custody. I asked her if I would get it via mail and would have to sign for it. She said she isn’t sure that’ll I would have to ask the post office. I left the letter there all day yesterday at the post office instead of calling them and going to get it. I don’t think I want to go pick it up. I don’t want to face the possible truth that he has found me. I don’t want to go back to that town. I don’t want to go back to my old life. I don’t want to relive the nightmare I had finally escape. I don’t know what to do at this point.

Edit: I just want to say thank you first for all the kind words and advice you all have gave me. After I made this post I went to work. When I got to work they said a guy came in looking for me, they described my ex. They kept telling him I don’t work there and if he comes back in they’ll have him arrested cause apparently he threw a big fit when they said I don’t work there. I was given permission to leave to seek legal help. I went to my friend that’s a cop and got me in contact with a few lawyers.

I had spoken to one and he’s taking my case. He filed stalking, harassment, and domestic violence against him. He has also filed a CPO. They issued a warrant and cops are combing the area to find him. They all have his picture and name, they aren’t going to stop until they have him in custody. I sat and cried bc this has been my life for the pass 4 almost 5 years since I ran that he’s trying to ruin. Where I live they rule in favor of the mother when it comes to domestic violence. Apparently since I left he was with someone that file charges against him for domestic violence and it got dropped. Thank you so for all the kind words and advice, I have appreciated it beyond the words I could say.

&nbsp;

Update #1: July 15, 2023 (11 days later)

Here is the long awaited update. He was caught that late night/early morning when he ran a stop light heading back home. He was processed and sat in his cell waiting to appear in front of the judge on his warrant for domestic violence which was that following Thursday.

When he was arrested and processed they served him the CPO. As he was being processed he obviously got a call. He had called his dad and told him everything. His dad told him he didn’t raise a woman beater, and he wasn’t bailing him out. They also seen he had another warrant that had been issued a few days prior back home. Apparently the girl he was with left him while he was away and pressed domestic violence charges against him as well.

I’m not sure what they’ll do with him now that he has charges in 2 different places or how that will work. He had appear in front of the judge on Thursday and said they was holding him on a $100,000 because they considered him dangerous and an extreme flight risk. He sat there until the following Tuesday when he was released to the other police department that they had contacted to let them know. He is now currently up there waiting for his bond to be set. They said he’s most likely not getting one from them but will sit there.

He was made to serve 30 days in jail on his warrant back home. Cops had said he probably won’t be let loose pinning both trials due to the circumstances surrounding his case and him being extremely dangerous while being a flight risk. They are going to do their best to keep him in jail until his convictions in both cases. He has CPO issue against him in both.

I ask them to keep my name redacted out of everything just in case this breaks to the media. I have purchased a gun, bear spray, and other forms of protection. We have moved and still in contact with the cop that I was friends with. For the first time in a long time I finally feel free, and I can live without fear. Sorry for making you guys wait for an update.

&nbsp;

Update #2: July 26, 2023 (11 days later)

I heard today that they have found witnesses to his abuse that can account for the other girl’s abuse.

Since this came to light he has change his plea in both cases to guilty. They aren’t going to have a trial for either of the cases just a court date for sentencing.

I believe he knew he was fucked when witnesses was mentioned. He has gotten sloppy with his abuse the last few years. I hope he rots!

&nbsp;

---

#----NEW UPDATES----

Editor's note: the next two updates are over 1.5 years old, and they have not been posted here onto the sub

Final Update: February 4, 2024 (over 6.5 months later)

He got 2 counts of felony stalking (me and our daughter), 2 counts of harassment (me and my daughter), 2 counts of domestic violence (me and the other girl), 2 counts of felony assault (me and the other girl), 1 count of endangering a minor (my daughter), and 1 count of resisting arrest. They hit him with everything they legally could.

This is what he got for each charge:

2 counts of felony stalking- 2 years (year for each charge)

2 counts of harassment- 4 months (2 months for each charge)

2 counts of domestic violence- 8 months (4 months for each charge)

2 counts of felony assault- 4 years (2 years for each charge)

1 count of child endangerment- 180 days

1 count of resisting arrest- 90 days

He’s to serve them consecutively. They didn’t punish him with the max sentence on the felonies cause he pled guilty and waved a trial, just took the sentencing. They wanted this done and over. The sentencing took a little longer bc where it was between 2 states. He’ll serve all his time in one state then transfer to another and serve his time there.

Me and my baby has since relocated and thank god every day for the ones that helped. I’m still in contact with the people I knew at my old home. They are glad we are doing well.

&nbsp;

Life after I ran from my abusive ex: June 10, 2024 (four months later from the final update)

Long time no see ☺️

After the sentencing me and my baby felt relieved. We decided to go out and live a little. We went down to Florida and visit all the beaches we could find. We made a B-line to Disney World. I would’ve spent every penny on this planet cause we finally felt like we was living life.

We made our way up to Nashville and showed her my love for country music. After leaving Nashville we went back to my hometown.

It was so much to process, we ended up starting therapy when we got there. It’s a long road of healing and we decided to settle here for a little bit, so she gets to know her awesome grandpa (his dad). My parents are flying in, and we are going to go to family therapy.

I plan to go back to my home but right now I want to heal the place I got lost in and broke. I feel pulled here to heal, to gather myself, and to find a way to let my past here go. I feel like I won’t be able to move on if I don’t.

I’m glad he didn’t affect our child very much. I don’t think my baby had the understanding of what was going on. If I post any more updates I’m not going to give very many details about us to protect our identity.

I’m going to go to school so I can work in social services and help women that was in my shoes. I’m going to wait until I’m in a healthier mindset and better mental state.

I just wanted to give this final life update because I’m so proud of myself and the life we are now living and pushing through for.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/_oxytoxicc

Originally posted to r/weddingdrama

Previous BoRUs: #1**

[New Update]: My (F24) fiancé’s (M27) mom refuses to attend our wedding unless it meets her standards. Is this a battle worth fighting?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!classism, assault, domestic abuse, controlling behavior, destruction of property!<

---

RECAP

Original Post: August 3, 2025

I (F24) am planning a wedding with my fiancé (M27). We’ve been in a long-distance relationship for 2 years and are planning to get married next year. My parents are supportive, but his mom isn’t. It's not because she dislikes me, but because she’s afraid the wedding won’t be grand enough and that she’ll be embarrassed.

She wants a big wedding and insists on inviting important people from our office, which isn’t what my fiancé and I want, especially since we’re still in junior positions. She told us to postpone the wedding until we’re 30 and can afford something more extravagant. If we still can’t do it by then, she wants us to get married abroad to avoid embarrassment on her part.

My fiancé has explained our plans and expressed how much he wishes she could be more understanding. But this has been a recurring pattern in his family, his mother often acts as if the world revolves around her. She doesn’t take no for an answer. Now she’s saying she won’t come, and neither will her side of the family, if we move forward with our current plan.

My fiancé, my family, and I are all okay with moving forward. But deep down, we both want her there. We’ve done everything we could to involve her, but she insists it has to be done her way. I find that hard to accept, especially since we’re the ones paying for the wedding. We even suggested therapy, but she refused. Now she says this whole situation is stressing her out and that she’s losing sleep over it.

For context, I live in Southeast Asia, where weddings are usually family-centered. But in our religion, the groom’s parents are not required to be present.

I don’t want my fiancé to feel like he has to choose between me and his family. I’ve tried hard to earn his parents’ approval, and they have no issue with me as a person. It’s just the wedding that doesn’t meet his mom’s expectations. My fiancé is a wonderful man and wants to marry me, with or without his mom’s blessing. But I keep wondering, is this a battle I should keep fighting, or is it something I need to let go of?

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom won’t attend our wedding unless it meets her standards. She wants a large, prestigious event, which we can’t afford and don’t want. We’re paying for everything ourselves. She has no issue with me, but refuses to support a smaller wedding. I don’t want my fiancé to feel forced to choose between me and his family. We still want her there, but she refuses unless it’s her way. Should I keep trying or let it go?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Have the wedding you want, and let her come or not. She probably really just wants you guys to wait to get married so she doesn’t have to lose her little boy or something stupid.

> OOP: Some part of me feels the same way. My fiancé’s parents have huge fights over small things, and his mom drags the kids into it. She expects her sons to watch and even step in, which I think is unfair. > > On top of that, she expects my fiancé to cover her travel and some household bills. He’s basically been the backbone of the family, acting like a second parent to his younger brothers.

Commenter 2: She created an excuse instead of just saying “I think this is a bad idea. Knowing someone long distance is very different from living together. I think you should try living together before you make a legal commitment.” She should have just been honest about her concerns.

> OOP: I don’t think distance was the real issue. My fiancée and I have been traveling to see each other 3–4 times a year for 2-4 weeks each time. The problem seems deeper. Her mom has a certain image she wants to maintain around her friends. > > One time, she even told my fiancée she was embarrassed because her husband doesn’t have a high-paying job like her friends’ husbands. She said it wasn’t fair to her. > > That felt pretty harsh, especially considering her husband could afford to buy a two-story house in cash.

Commenter 3: You have to put a stop to her interference, and the best time is NOW. Your fiancée might need extra support or counseling because it’s hard as heck to change the pattern of a lifetime, but your marriage will be a misery if you set a pattern of living up to her expectations.

If she wants to tell people she boycotted your wedding because it wasn’t posh enough, let her.

> OOP: I agree! My fiancé and I have done couples therapy, but I’ve been encouraging him to go on his own too. I’ve been in individual therapy regularly. > > One thing I’ve noticed is that he avoids conflict, especially with his mom. She can be manipulative and gets hysterical when people don’t do what she wants. > > That’s been his whole life, so I know it’ll take time for him to learn how to set healthy boundaries. > > Thanks for your comment :)

Commenter 4: Why does she care about inviting higher ups from work? Does she work there too?

> OOP: Nope, she hasn’t worked in over 25 years. I think it’s more about her social life and how much she cares about her public image. She’s friends with higher-ups and some celebrities, so I think she feels pressure to keep up appearances, which she couldn't afford.

Commenter 5: Your fiancé needs to figure out how he feels about this. And the problem is that how he feels about having a mother who is disordered and domineering and codependent like this means that it's very confusing for him emotionally. If he can't handle standing up to her and comfortably let her have her own process while simply proceeding to have the wedding that the two of you choose, then he might not be ready to get married at all.so watch this carefully.

> OOP: That's also how I feel. I think he needs to learn how to create healthy boundaries and say no, as his mom has been very dominating in their family. I'm suggesting that he go to therapy and learn! > > And I agree with you; if he wants to side with his mom, I think not having him and the wedding will be a wiser choice for my future

Additional Information from OOP

> OOP: She reached out to me personally with different excuses. Saying my fiancé’s family is not onboard with it and wouldn’t bless our marriage. She wanted my fiancé to wait until he’s more financially mature and stable before building a family. > > I told her we’re both adults and this is our decision regardless of what she has to say. And now FMIL is calling my fiancé and becoming hysterical on the phone.

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Update: November 11, 2025 (a bit over three months later)

Update: My fiancé’s mom refused to attend our wedding unless it met her “standards”

Hi everyone, this is an update from my previous post

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom wanted a large, fancy wedding with VIPs. We wanted something smaller and are paying for it ourselves. She refused to attend unless it met her standards.

After a few days, she reached out to me personally. She said she didn’t approve of the wedding because she felt my fiancé wasn’t “financially stable” enough yet. For context, we’re both financially independent and covering all wedding costs ourselves.

I replied politely, saying I’m sorry she felt that way, but assured her I’m not a financial burden to her son since I want to have my career and all. I also said we’re both pursuing our goals and there’s no reason to wait to get married.

Apparently, that set her off really badly. She called my fiancé for three hours, hysterically yelling about how “disrespectful” it was for me to reply with a long message. When he got home, she continued yelling and even called me names. She made his brother sit there and watch everything. No one defended him.

This went on for several days. Every time he came home, she’d start yelling again for hours. It reached a point where my fiancé packed up all his things to move out. But before he could leave, his mom found out, trashed all his belongings (literally ripped out his luggage in two), and called him horrible names. It didn’t stop there. She physically attacked him and made the entire family watch.

I still can’t process how fast everything escalated. It happened so suddenly and so brutally that I took a 24-hour flight the next day and went straight home, completely shaken. I know he needed me that time, and not being able to do anything if I'm far would've killed me.

Now, he hasn’t gone home since, and we’ve decided to elope next year.

I still can’t believe this all started because she wanted a “prestigious” wedding. It’s heartbreaking to see how far it went, but at least we’re standing together. Please wish us luck and peace as we move forward.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: This is a woman who can’t let go of her son and must micromanage everything. The wedding is just the beginning. Without boundaries, she will never stop.

Commenter 2: I hope he filed a police report. Have the police be present when he goes to pick up his things. And either have the wedding you want and don’t include his family or elope and have fun

Commenter 3: This didn’t happen because of your wedding. She is an abuser, and abusers look for any excuse to mistreat family members. There may be a lot you don’t know about his family, his mother and the family dynamic.

She feels she’s losing control of him, so she’s escalating. This is a dangerous time and your fiancé needs to be on his guard. The whole family standing by and letting her do this likely means that she will unleash hell (and may have in the past) on anyone who gets in her way. It’s a common trauma response in abusive families.

I hope he’s cut contact with her. I’m sure it’s extremely difficult in your cultural context, but he needs to heal.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 12, 2026 (six months later from the first update)

FINAL UPDATE: My fiancé’s mom refused to attend our wedding unless it met her "standards."

Hi everyone, here’s a final update from my previous posts (Part 1 & Part 2).

TL;DR: My fiancé’s mom wanted a large, prestigious wedding and refused to support our small ceremony because she felt it would embarrass her socially. Things escalated far beyond what we ever expected — screaming, insults, destroyed belongings, and eventually my fiancé leaving home entirely. After everything that happened, we chose peace over approval.

In short….we’re married now!!

A few weeks ago, we officially became husband and wife. In the end, we decided to keep things small and intimate. We had a simple celebration with my extended family, good food, and lots of laughter.

Of course, not having his side of the family there was painful, especially for him. I know there’s still sadness underneath it all, and I don’t think anyone imagines their wedding turning out this way. But despite everything, we still had such a beautiful day together.

I’m incredibly proud of him. I know it wasn’t an easy decision for either of us to get married under these circumstances, especially in a Southeast Asian country where family expectations and approvals can be very strong. But I saw firsthand how difficult this entire situation was for him, and despite everything, he never stopped choosing kindness.

His family stopped contacting him for a while after calling him and my family horrible names, insulting my family for being “poor,” and even demanding that my family repay all the money they had spent raising him. We honestly don’t know what the future looks like with his family, and maybe that’s okay for now. Right now, we’re focusing on building a healthy and peaceful life together instead of chasing approval that may never come.

Thank you to everyone who showed us kindness and support on my previous posts. Your words genuinely helped us get through some very dark moments.

For now, we’re happy, and that's enough for us.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments for this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/SimpleKey1310

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My best friend’s boyfriend has been making AI porn of people we know and she’s staying with him (all mid 20’s)

Trigger Warnings: >!claims of child abuse, mentions incest porn!<

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Original Post: May 10, 2026

Hello everyone, this is my first ever post and a throwaway account. I’m very lost and confused with this whole situation and am looking for advice from people who’ve maybe experienced this before.

For some context: me, Cass (fake name), her boyfriend and Rae (also fake name) are all friends. Me and Cass have been friends for 17 years and all of us used to work together (how Cass and her boyfriend met + how we met Rae) we hang out and game together regularly, but mainly it’s me, Rae and the boyfriend gaming. We’ve all gotten along and have never had any drama for the 5 years we’ve all been friends.

This all started earlier this week. I was with Rae, and she asks me if I had heard anything from Cass. Because some shit when down over the weekend regarding her boyfriend.

The story goes that she had been seeing weird behavior in her boyfriend of 5 years over the last several months, prompting her to go through his phone while he’s asleep. She then calls Rae, sobbing hysterically at what she found. Cass described seeing AI porn of people they knew, they were generated to make them pregnant with huge boobs. The bigger issue it was of her own sister, as well as a distant friend of hers that lives in another state, and his mom?

After they end the phone call Rae sent a text of support to her, but Cass says that she found worse stuff, stuff she didn’t want to show or tell Rae about, and says she’s going to confront him. Shortly after she tells Rae that her boyfriend was in the bathroom with his phone deleting further evidence, and that he doesn’t want to talk about it right now. After some short back and forth Cass tells Rae that the issue is resolved and that they’re fine (???)

After hearing this I had sent a text to Cass, asking if everything was alright and that I was told to check on her (Cass never told Rae not to tell me anything. But she had done a very quick 180 from being pissed to saying that they love each other and will work on it, so I was curious to see if she’d change the story)

Over text she tells me that it was just a porn addiction that went a little too far. That he was messing with AI porn and as a result feels angry and disgusted with himself (suicidal even) but claims that he never got off to it nor was he attracted to them. Also that he will be going to therapy once he gets insurance from his new job. She was very adamant that they’re fine now and how she wants to spent the rest of her life with him and have kids.

We set up a time to call and talk about it and here’s how it went: she started by repeating that what happened was a porn addiction that “just got out of control”. She told me she found AI porn on his phone, and when I asked if it was people we knew she told me no. That “it was people we don’t know, from Facebook”. Sooooo already I’m upset, she’s already lying to me. And Rae is absolutely not the type to lie or start drama randomly.

I knew I couldn’t call her out on anything in the moment, if I did she would immediately get defensive and shut down on me completely. Instead I brought up how making AI porn of real people is illegal in our state, and she responded that they had deleted everything (Facebook, Twitter, grok) so it’s fine. I mean.. that content is still out there somewhere and can still be traced back but I digress. What got under my skin the most was when I told her that men with AI addictions will commonly make content like that of people they know, friends, family etc, and how I’m deeply concerned that this is the case, she responded with “well…I’ve been dating him for 5 years *nervous laugh* I know the kind of person he is. We’re getting through this together” which bothered me because she didn’t deny it? The more I tried to make sense of it the more upset she seemed to get. When I tried to ask her about the thing she found that was worse than the AI porn she completely changed the topic and didn’t bring it up again. The phone call ended amicably but with nothing really resolved.

To me personally, just the fact that someone made AI porn of real life people is violating and disrespectful enough for me to cut contact with him. But for it to also be people we know that’s close to her and deciding she’s going to stay and forgive him leaves me with an icky feeling. And we’re still left wondering about the “worse stuff”, what could it be that she can’t even tell her best friends of 17 and 5 years?

I’m hurt by her being untruthful with me. I understand the situation could be embarrassing to talk about, and I’m not technically entitled to any of this information. Cass has hid arguments and details about their fights from us before, saying she doesn’t want us to view him differently as we are all friends but when I try to tell her what she feels and thinks matters more to me I get shut down. According to her this addiction has been going on for months (he’s been out of work for a year due to injury), and you don’t just start with incest and her family and distant friends. We can’t stop thinking about who all else he had done it to, his brothers spouses? His old coworkers? He really doesn’t have friends outside of me and Rae, and that’s not something we want to think about.

Where do we go from here? The friendship dynamic is fucked. It goes without saying that neither of us feel comfortable around him knowing he’s been doing that, but Cass and him have a very co-dependent relationship. So if we cut him off we would have to accept potentially losing her too. He tells her he won’t ever do it again and she believes him, but I’ve heard enough stories of the person reoffending, so I don’t have much hope there. I don’t think she deserves to be in this situation, and we want what’s best for her. Is there any way we can help her?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m willing to bet the thing she doesn’t want to talk about is illegal everywhere…. 😬 > > Commenter 2: Yup. Definitely one of those things where "it's not like it's real" just doesn't hold up. > > I wanted to give the dude the benefit of the doubt. He's been out of work for an extended period of time and is probably bored to death. We do weird shit if we're bored enough. But...AI porn, especially of friends and family members(!?!?), is next level. I'm just really hoping the "too bad to tell" stuff is the friend being dramatic and not like kids or animals or some shit. > > And if it is those things, OP should be so okay with dropping this friend just for staying with the guy. >> >> OOP: I can definitely understand how a regular shmegular porn addiction could happen. And I wouldn’t blink an eye if my buddy was into some weird shit (within reason). Im not sure if I’m being purposefully ignorant here when I say I’m fairly sure there’s nothing underage. But even if I asked I know I wouldn’t get the truth

Commenter 3: Cass needs your support more than she needs condemnation of him. She didn’t confide in you, probably fearing your reaction. She needs time to assimilate, this is her long term relationship. She’s invested in it. To leave would be difficult, complete upheaval. There are financial implications.

If she chooses to stay, no doubt she will be paying a lot of attention to his online activities. While they are perverse and distasteful, you have no proof who he utilised. You can choose to exclude him from your social circle, remove his access to your online presence. You can advise Cass that if he publishes any of his material that he may be part of police investigations purely instigated by the searches the police carry out as normal policing of the internet. That AI material is not copyrighted and therefore may be published without his knowledge but be traceable back to him.

You can offer her support while excluding him but expect to lose her! She needs you!

> OOP: This is a very mature take, thank you so much. we’re hoping giving her a little more time will allow her to “wake up” per se. It’s just hard to support someone who won’t accept it :(

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Update: May 11, 2026 (next day)

(UPDATE) my best friends boyfriend has been making AI porn of people we know and she’s staying with him (all mid 20’s)

Original post can be found on my profile

The first time I tried posting the update it got taken down

Thank you to everyone who took the time to read my first post and comment, I have an update to share to those that are interested.

Something that I had left out of the first post was that the phone call we had took place the day before her birthday, and that her birthday party was going to be a couple days later.

Me and Rae agreed we would still be going and would do our best to still treat her as we always have and make her feel special and loved on her day. She cares very deeply about her birthdays and we didn’t want to do anything to ruin her night. But that we wouldn’t really speak to her boyfriend unless spoken to (spoiler: he didn’t speak or even look at us the whole night)

The party took place at a local bar we love, and everything was going smoothly. We greeted each other, hugged, ordered drinks and did all the normal things girls do at bars together. I’m assuming Cass picked up on the fact that me and Rae weren’t going to talk to her boyfriend, and neither did our fiancés (in our defense he did isolate himself from the entirety of the group) because after a couple drinks she pulled me and Rae outside to the parking lot to talk.

The conversation with the three of us began with her saying she wanted to clear the air a bit. To her credit she started by admitting that she had given me and Rae opposing information, and wanted to be clear to me that what Rae had told me was in fact the truth. I told her that it hurt that she lied to me, and she hits me with “but you have to understand, *I* was hurting” yes obviously she is the one ultimately being betrayed and hurt here. But there was no acknowledgment nor an apology for lying.

She tells us that the reason he had made the AI porn was because of abuse he went through as a child (will not be going into detail to protect his privacy).

And then she just kinda stared at us.

Like she had pulled the ultimate wincon or had played all five pieces of exodia. We tried to argue that while we sympathize with him, and are deeply sorry that we went through that, that it cannot be used as an excuse or explain away his behavior. She seemed genuinely upset that we didn’t just forgive him right then and there and move on.

Rae goes on to tell her that now wasn’t the best time to discuss all this (her and Cass were fairly drunk by this point) and that tonight was about celebrating her and we should focus on her having fun. Also that she should take more time to truly process everything and consider if she really is okay with what he did. If she’s really okay with the fact that he made porn of her sister and his mom. But this only led to another rant about how she’s fine and it doesn’t affect her.

As we tried to voice several of our concerns we were constantly being interrupted and talked over: “but you know that isn’t like him” or “but his trauma” etc. I even tried to ask her to let me get my full thought out before she responded but I was interrupted twice just trying to get out one sentence. It became very clear to the both me and Rae that she didn’t want to actually have a conversation. She wanted us to listen to her but she didn’t want to listen to us. She wasn’t retaining anything we said she was just waiting for her turn to speak.

For those wondering if it was kids, she was very adamant that she didn’t see anything like that. And wasn’t entertaining our concerns out it either.

This wasn’t going anywhere nor was it productive

We eventually convinced her that we should all go back inside and try to enjoy the night, and that we should talk about this when we’re not 2/3rds drunk and in the cold. things were awkward for a bit but we all seemed to recover quickly. I took Rae home at the end of the night and as it stands neither of us want a friendship with her boyfriend going forward, but how we feel staying friends with Cass is still blurry. We’ve both already blocked him on everything but still leaving a line open to Cass in case she somehow snaps out of it.

I wasn’t sure if it was important to add in the first post but Cass has bpd, which explains her strong attachment to him, as well as how we have to go about speaking to her. We have to make sure our tones are even, if there’s any hint of aggression or disdain then it’ll trigger her abandonment wound and cause a meltdown. I also added this to say that just straight cutting her off could have potentially dangerous implications to her, but we have yet to see eye to eye on this and I doubt we will

Thank you all for reading this far, all advice and comments have been very helpful. Me and Rae have been reading all of them and considering our options

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Please drop this friend. She needs therapy. You're not responsible for her emotions or her behavior. I guarantee this girl is so unregulated or delusional that she'll actually become an enabler to her boyfriend's porn addiction.

It concerns me that she already has you and Rue trained to treat her with kid gloves because of her BPD.

I know you both feel responsible for your friend but if you're friend is actively taking the side of a person who has probably used your image and made AI porn of you then what do you expect to happen? Do you and Rue believe you're both trained relationship and BPD therapists that you'll help her snap out of it.

If's wild that you both actually went out a celebrated her birthday after this. Of course she's going to be shocked or thrown off by the fact that ALL is not actually forgiven. You both should have immediately set some lines in the sand.

But sure, if you want to expose yourself and any other woman or child you know to add to her twisted boyfriend's AI inspirations. Continue to hang out with her. > > Commenter 2: It's frustrating that op can't see when they explained that his trauma doesn't make up for what he's doing, yet they're also defending their best friend the same way >> >> OOP: You’re right. I know it’s over, Rae knows it’s over. I was doing my best to keep the post somewhat neutral but her actions as well as his (obviously) aren’t possible to defend. I figured bringing up her mental health issues could bring in more context as to why this is so frustrating. I can see that I was doing the same shit I was complaining about. Thank you

Commenter 3: By bpd, do you bipolar or borderline personality? Because If it's the second, walk the fuck away from her right now. This is not going to get better and by the end you will be the villain, and you will lose a lot of friends in a not very pleasant way.

> OOP: Borderline. Funny you say that last part, I already have lost friends (mainly in high school) but yeah. I’m used to taking her side, but I can’t do it this time.

Commenter 4: Please do not continue to be friends with an apologist and enabler. She will never hold him responsible for his disgusting and illegal behavior. I can only imagine how her mother would feel if she knew that her daughter's bf made porn of her and her child.

> OOP: He made porn of his own mother. Her mom’s dead. But her older sister was her guardian

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway7192022

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

Friend's BF is stalking me, and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Trigger Warnings: >!physical assault, obsessive behavior, verbal abuse, destruction of property, homophobia!<

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Original post: March 15, 2026

Hi everyone, I've been a listener and lurker for a some time now. I thought I'd come here first I remember a similar post pop up and really need advice on what to do :((.

I have been in a few activities with Rory (20F) over the past school year and we grew close, though we were friendly before, but didn't know a lot about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend of a year that happened to be from the same high school I went to (not super odd since a few of my schoolmates from before are also now in my college) and I chalked it up to one of those 'what a small world' kinda things.

Rory and I got even closer this past semester since we are both in the student government and the student paper, we hang out a lot outside of activities and I include her in some of the hangouts of my closer friend group. In one of the hangouts we met her boyfriend Logan (20M).

Ever since that hangout, I keep meeting Logan in places where I would normally be and places where I planned to be. Again, I would normally chalk this up to being a coincidence, but the city where my college is in is HUGEE. I don't even see some of my closest friends on a random day if not for it being planned. It happens on my cafe spot where I study, or places I mention to my friends I'll be doing errands in, it's started to feel scary how often I see him that I get scared going outside and meeting him. He is nice when we meet but I get a sick feeling whenever we talk and I feel like I’m being scrutinized or watched.

I don't know how it keeps happening and I haven't really told anyone because it sounds weird in my own head, what more to others? I want to speak to Rory about it because maybe she has an idea why he is essentially stalking me, but I don't really how to move from here or to articulate what I want to say. I don't even know if I should talk to Rory at all because I don't want to come across as a homewreckers or anything or blow up our really nice friendship. Any advice please would be really helpful :((

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl, trust your gut. That sick feeling? That’s your intuition trying to protect you. You’re not being dramatic this is genuinely unsettling behavior. The fact that he keeps showing up in places you’ve only mentioned to friends (and in a huge city, no less) is a huge red flag. Please talk to Rory, but be gentle with yourself when you do. You’re not accusing you’re sharing facts and how it’s making you feel. A real friend will listen. And honestly? You deserve to feel safe in your everyday spaces. Sending you strength 💛.

> OOP: Thank you I really appreciate it! I'm still thinking of how to approach Rory because I've known her less than her boyfriend and I really don't want to blow everything up. I hope I can drop some hints or figure out a way to see if she knows about his behavior

Commenter 2: does he approach you when you see him in these locations and if so does he try to keep communicating with you or just says hi and goes on his way? I would def try to ignore him or just say hi and go whenever that happens.

also, are you sharing your location with Rory or anyone else that might be his mutual friend? I would personally turn off location sharing except a few most trusted people. I would also block him on sns.

> OOP: I'll block him asap. I don’t really share location, but I do tend to talk about places I would be (like the library, this grocery store, etc.) cause I happen to talk to my friends about it. > > The first two times I approached him thinking Rory was with him but after that I got the sense that he would be alone if I ever spot him, since then he was the one approaching me or bumping into me. We use to talk about stuff we have in common, mostly Rory, but as of recent I try to finish the conversation asap and leave...

Commenter 3: Check your bags and other items for trackers. Do you post a lot on social media telling people what you are up to? Change the routes you take. Please talk to other people about his behaviour. Please remember you do not have to interact with him just because he's your friend's boyfriend. There's no reason for you to spend any time with him whatsoever.

> OOP: Thank you, I'll leave if I ever spot him again... I'm pretty lowkey on social media and my Instagram has been private since I made years ago. I haven't even though of checking for a tracker...

Commenter 4: Also, keep a detailed log!

Note where and when you see him in your current routine, and then if relevant when and where you see him in your new one.

And obviously, IGNORE HIM. Do not engage. Do not respond. You do not have to be polite to this person. If you just can't take being "rude", keep replies short and brief. "Sorry, I have to go." And then leave. Yeah it's not fair that you have to leave a place because he's there, but you want to send a clear, if unspoken, message that you are not interested in him in any way.

And document all that too.

And then when you talk to Rory, just present the evidence and say, this is making me feel weird. I care about you and thought you should know.

> OOP: I'll try to do this the whole week and see if I see him less

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Update #1: March 20, 2026 (five days later)

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank the people who gave really sound advice last week on my (honestly rambly post/vent rant) and to those who reached out to check in the days after to see if I alright. I wasn’t expecting such a warm and welcoming reception and that really helped me push through this week :))

Before the actual update, here are some stuff I wanted to assure you all:

- I had my car checked by three shops and was doubly assured that there wasn’t any trackers. We even asked a friend of mine who had a sketchy ex in the past to use their bug sweeper on everything and all (my car, my things, my apartment, my clothes, etc.) came out clean.

- Someone asked what we normally discuss when we meet and I can't say it’s anything of note. He normally approaches me and asks me how I am doing and what was I doing at the place and sometimes about what Rory did the day. Sometimes it was what I liked, or some questions friends would ask when they get to know each other, which I wouldn’t mind answering if it weren’t for the fact that he was showing up in a lot of places I frequent (and I was suspecting him of stalking me).

Here is the update:

I followed the advice some commenters suggested which was to change my routine. I felt it wasn't enough to randomize it just to avoid him, so I decided to do that police tactic thing where certain specific info was given to suspects to see who was the snitch since I honestly dk how he could’ve stalked me on some places (somewhere out of the city, some were pretty hidden spots, etc.)

I told Rory (my new friend and his girlfriend) that I would be in this cafe near school on Wednesday after we had a meeting. I have cleared my suspicion for most of my friends at this point, so it was Rory and another that I wanted to test. I stayed with a friend across the road in a bodega and saw Logan come inside the cafe where I said I was after an hour I said I would be there on. I didn't have the best mood after confirming that Logan was using Rory to stalk me, so I didn't go out of my house all of Thursday cause I was stressed out of mind and didn’t know how to move forward with the discovery.

Fortunately, Today, I confronted Rory about it after I mustered up all the courage and tried to see if she was unknowingly helping him and she was just relaying info without malice. We met after I texted her that I wanted to talk about the agenda from the Wednesday meeting in a mutual friend's dorm room (who was also present as they were part of the sgov as well + was aware of what’s happening with my suspicions), and she came. An hour in of me fiddling and trying to find the right moment to start my hinting, I followed one of the comment of my last post and kind of stated that I kept seeing Logan in all the places I’ve been frequenting for the past month.

It started out really well, but when I pressed that it was odd that I was seeing him almost every week, she got this really odd look on her face and asked me if I was trying to accuse her bf of being gay, which took me off guard. Yeah, I am gay (not to be confused) but it was weird how she went to that direction?? I backtracked and said that I wasn’t accusing him of anything but that I kept seeing him and I brought up the fact that I told her I would be in a cafe on Wed and he came after, which I then asked if he asked her about my whereabouts.

I think things got really out of hand after that and she then said that he did ask but it was more of a 'concerned boyfriend checking on their gf hanging out with a guy' kind of way instead of the stalkerish kind of way. I got really confused here and tried to say that it gave off stalkerish vibes on my perspective and she got really mad that I was, on her mind, accusing her bf of being interested in me and was gay for the second time.

Our mutual friend broke us off cause things were getting loud and incoherent, with no belief that we would make sensible conversation, and Rory left the dorm after that. I did speak to my friend if I was taking it the wrong way and she assured me that (regardless of my gender and orientation) men had stalkers too and that she supported me if Rory tried to accuse me of anything. I asked my close friends the same thing and assured me that I was very public with my gayness so it would be weird for Logan to assume I would be a threat to their relationship.

I'm currently in my apartment and I’m starting to wonder if I was taking it the wrong way?? Would a guy keep tabs on a dude his girlfriend was friends with? I’m once again at my wits end but I’m trying not to spiral because all the important people (friends family, etc.) support me. I don't know what’s going to happen next, but I would be really appreciative for any advice. Thanks.

EDIT (March 22, 2026): Thank you all for the advice and the comforting words, it truly means a lot to me. Unfortunately, despite what many of the commenters suggested, I am unable to 'fully' break off my tie to Rory (and subsequently her bf) as the semester ends in mid-April for me and we have a ton of year end stuff to go through in the student government and the university paper. Fortunately, I do have other friends in those two orgs so I will be very much applying for their help until the sem ends so I can be with someone at all in case worse comes to reality. Once again, thank you all so much!

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I want to say maybe Logan is curious but there are much easier ways to go DL. could he be jealous of your relationship w/ Rory? Like trying to find out what is so neat about you? I mean I have no idea.

> OOP: I don’t go out of my way to hang out with Rory, and we mostly hang out for sgov or the paper. We are often surrounded by mutual friends and very rarely one on one alone w each other. I do think that he may be DL and I’m hoping my friend and I can find evidence that he is or something

Commenter 2: That’s not the behaviour of somebody who’s keeping tabs on his girlfriend. Which would be probably about again of itself. Rather, he’s going out of his way to meet up with you.

> OOP: I said this!!! But for reason Rory was hung up on me accusing her boyfriend when I genuinely am fearing for my safety and she kept denying a man could stalk a man. Theres something going on with them and idk when I can even hear her side when she’s pissed and probably told Logan what I said

Commenter 3: There is the possibility Logan is a homophobe and has been stalking you with the intent to physically harm you.

I would actually suggest this concern to Rory if she again accuses you of suggesting Logan is gay. And if she keeps it up, I would start to wonder if she is a homophobe and has been egging Logan on, to prove to her he isn’t gay.

> OOP: I don’t want to spiral but I have to admit this has crossed my mind since we fought earlier today. I doubt Rory is like that since she has been a staunch ally since I am openly gay, but it’s doesn’t hurt to doubt her... I guess I’m reeling a little that this might be a possibility

Commenter 4: Your suspicions were spot on and the fact that Logan showed up at that cafe after you told only Rory proves he's been using her to track you down. The whole "concerned boyfriend" excuse is bullshit - normal guys don't systematically show up everywhere their girlfriend's friends hang out, especially when those friends are clearly not romantic competition. Rory jumping straight to the gay accusation is her deflecting because deep down she probably knows his behavior is weird but doesn't want to admit her boyfriend is a creep.

You did exactly the right thing with that test - that's some solid detective work right there. The mutual friend backing you up shows other people can see how sketchy this whole situation is too. Trust your gut on this one because Logan's pattern of behavior screams stalker, not "protective boyfriend," and Rory's defensive reaction just confirms she's been feeding him information whether she wants to admit it or not.

> OOP: Thank you, this was such a tough thing to go through all week, and I was starting to think I was jumping the gun. I'm not sure if this will conclusively stop the stalking but I'm continuing randomizing and shutting up about my whereabouts until I'm sure.

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Update #2: May 10, 2026 (nearly two months later)

Hello everyone.

I don’t want to make a long update because I don’t really want to revisit what happened over the month so I will condense it as much as I can and if anyone has questions, I will do my best to answer.

Long story short: Logan has been taken to the local police station, and I have successfully filed a RO on both of them (Logan and Rory).

After the confrontation, Rory began bringing Logan everywhere which did not help their case as rumors spread of what happened with us (dorm room walls are not soundproof) and Logan would just STARE at me whenever Rory was looking away or busy doing something else. Not long after, a lot of our mutual friends dropped Rory as Logan would join their hangouts and would (unprompted) go on a rant about how bad of a person I was (making up lies abt me) and go on a crazed angry speech on "femboids" ruining the image of men in the current age. This kept going for two to three ish weeks during the finals/project phase of school but kind of died down as I finished off everything and prepared to graduate.

Where it went wrong: I had invited my close friends and some others to a nice night out as graduation was close by and everyone invited had an award to be celebrated. Not sure who leaked it, but Rory and Logan got a hold that I was having dinner at this restaurant that had these private rooms for parties and SHOWED UP. I clearly did not invite them to the celebration, and I had asked my male friends to get them out, but Rory seemed insistent to stay, and Logan remained quiet the whole back and forth. The argument got heated that some waiters came to de-escalate but it seemed like he had enough and SHOVED Rory out of the way and the friend who was arguing with her. I don’t know what made him snap, but he had reached me and managed to push me to the ground. I hit the chair and table on the way down and was delirious from the pain that ached everywhere, I completely did not register that Logan seemed intent to get on top of me (probably to punch me or something, maybe even attempt at my life in some way). Fortunately my friends grabbed him and tried to hold him down, but he kept trying to break free from their grasp. By the time I managed to get to my senses, some of the security staff had come and Rory seemed shocked by the entire event that just occurred.

They got taken out. A friend had suggested I get the CCTV of what happened and use it to get an RO, which I did the day after. Some days later, the police got back to me and asked to do an interview of some sort. I discussed what happened over the past few months and the lady who I spoke to me took me very seriously and had told me they would try to get a warrant for their devices as I mentioned they managed to track me down in some way and I feared that would continue. Fortunately, I had evidence of a crime committed and probable cause of stalking, so this was done, I thank the lady and her team for being so incredibly amazing with my case. Another few days roll by and I went down to the station. I went with my younger brother as my family arrived in town for my graduation a few days later. On the station, they had informed me that on both Logan's and Rory's devices, tons of images and videos of me were found. NOT ONLY THAT, text messages show that they had planned to attempt at finding my apartment and do something. Due to the evidence, I will be pressing charges.

On the bright side of things, I graduated with Latin honors and got a lot of medals for the activities I have done in college. I am happy to say that I am currently back at home and will be isolating myself for a good month before even thinking of adventuring out again.

That’s all from me :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: If he is from your HS, does that mean he/his family live in your hometown? Have you made your local PD aware of the RO and situation?

> OOP: Both of my HS and college are in the city/urban while my hometown is on the countryside/rural area. In both cases I stayed in a dorm/apartment. From what I am aware of, he is not from my hometown and is from the city itself.

Was Rory always like that?

> OOP: Rory herself I would say no. She does ask questions a lot but again, we were friends, and asking questions was kind of a given thing. I knew she held grudges and often said malicious things, but it always came off as a jokey way (e.g.: I hope they trip and fall, I hope they get ran over, etc.)

OOP explains more about the text messages found on Logan and Rory's devices

> OOP: From what I saw on the text messages, they intended to confront me about the "rumors" I was spreading (which were spread because of the argument I had with Rory at my friends dorm and a few friends sharing it with their classmates). It didn't say anything explicit, but the tone and language used that they intended to scare the shit out of me. l

Commenter 2: Glad you were able to get a restraining order and that you graduated.

In your first post about this situation, you said that Logan had also attended your high school. Are you certain that you have not been on his radar for much longer than his meeting you via Rory? I mention this not to make you afraid, but because this would shed some light on his mental state.

I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope that this chapter is concluded.

> OOP: Thank you! :) Personally I have tried to dig around among classmates to know about Logan, but he didn’t make that many friends to know how he was in HS. One thing we suspect due to how oddly violent and focused he was on me, was that I may have been his gay awakening or crush or fixation in HS and it slowly began to spiral without me knowing.

Commenter 3: Did you ever find out WHY this nutcase was stalking you? Not that stalkers are rational, I'm just wondering wtf motivated him.

> OOP: Nope! Still don't know why exactly. We suspect he is one of those red pillers / incels since his rants bare a lot of similarity to them. We also tried finding out if he was a DL with no such luck. My friend suspect that since he went to my school the same time as me in HS, I might’ve been his gay awakening, and he didn't really like that. All theories though.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/1ultimatumoffmychest

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My boyfriend can't use any bathroom besides the one in our apartment, and he thinks this is normal [NAW]

Trigger Warnings: >!bodily waste, past child neglect!<

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Original Post: April 3, 2026

No advice wanted. My [25f] boyfriend [24m] can't go the bathroom unless it is the one in our apartment. If he's not home when he has to go, and he doesn't make it back in time he will go in his pants. I wish I was kidding. I figured it out after seeing him have two different accidents. The first time it was after his friend's birthday and we had both been drinking. My boyfriend was really embarrassed and I thought it was just because of the alcohol. It had never happened before (in front of me) so I just let it go. The second time it happened we were out shopping and there was no alcohol involved. He went in his pants because we didn't get home in time.

We met in university, during my second year and his first. I lived on campus and he shared an apartment with his brother [26m] off campus. I never realized he would go back to his apartment if he needed to use the bathroom. I went on to the pharmacy program at our university and he went on to do his Master's degree. After we graduated I moved in with him. The apartment is close to the hospital I would be working at, my boyfriend found a remote job and the rent was a good price for this area.

His family lives two hours away. He can use the bathrooms at his parent’s house because he grew up there. One set of his grandparents live near his parents and he can also use their bathrooms because they have lived in the same house since he was born. His other grandparents moved to another province when they retired and my boyfriend has never visited them because of this bathroom situation. My boyfriend's brother lived in the apartment for two years before my boyfriend moved in and it took him all that time to get used to the idea of using the bathroom there. His parents told me he has been like this his whole life and they laugh about this quirk of his.

My boyfriend is trying to tell me this is normal and that "lots of people" can only go at home. When he says that it makes me feel like screaming. I can believe people prefer to go at home. However they will also use whatever bathroom is closest instead of going in their pants. No one else in his family is like this. His brother just joined the navy. His dad is a conductor for a railroad company. His mom is a postal worker. They couldn’t do those jobs if they were like my boyfriend. None of his friends have ever said anything that I know of either. I told him he needs to see a therapist. He is refusing because he doesn't think anything is wrong. I do not want to live in this apartment forever. I want to travel. My parents live aren’t far from us but I have big family and I want to bring him to visit them. What if he gets offered a better job that isn’t fully remote? I told him I am done if he doesn’t go to therapy and he says I am selfish. I don’t care if giving the ultimatum makes me selfish. I honestly don’t.

tl;dr My boyfriend can’t use any bathroom except the one in our apartment. He will pee or poop his pants rather than using a bathroom that isn’t ours. He thinks it is normal and we have argued. I told him I will leave him if he doesn’t see a therapist and he called me selfish.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Question: Is he holding it until he can't anymore and then having an accident in his pants or is he intentionally just going in his pants rather than use the public bathroom?

> OOP: He holds it until he can't. If he is not home and he has to go he will try to get home however sometimes he doesn't make it.

Commenter 2: Amazing anybody in his family thinks this is normal. I used to be like that, but never had any accidents because when I had to go yes or yes, I just went to whatever bathroom is nearby. Right now it might work because he is working remote, but at some point, this is going to affect him. He needs help, no one should poop on their pants because they can just go at home. Either hold it in and realize you probably can't eat anything when you are out and about, he should already be buying diapers if he is going to be that disgusting, or change your life. He can't live like that.

> OOP: I've learned his brother is fed up with it. When his brother was in university with us I got the sense that he was annoyed with my boyfriend a lot of time. I thought it was just normal sibling dynamics. I have three brothers (ages 24, 22 and 20) so I get being annoyed with younger siblings. > > During one of our arguments over this my boyfriend admitted his brother joined the navy to get away from the family and that he didn't want to live with my boyfriend when he was in university, but their parents said they wouldn't help with finances unless he did. > > I know my boyfriend's parents and one set of grandparents enable this. His brother doesn't. I'm not sure what his other set of grandparents think, I've only met them once.

Commenter 3: If a grown adult would rather shit their pants than use a public bathroom they need serious help/therapy. I wouldn't have been able to get to the point of moving in, that is insane.

> OOP: If I had known about this before I moved in with him I would have refused to come live in his apartment unless he went to therapy. Even then, he would have had to show he was trying to get better.

Commenter 4: “His parents told me he has been like this his whole life and they laugh about this quirk of his.”

So they neglected getting his extreme phobia issues help because hey fun and quirky. Haha. Wtf.

Does that mean he never went in school either? Just kept doing it in his clothes?

He needs help. This isn’t normal. He needs to drink enough fluid for a healthy body, and he needs to be able to leave the house and live his life.

Nobody would blame you for leaving over this. The limit this will put on your future life

Even if it’s a severe cleanliness phobia, then he can carry cleaning wipes for the seats and his own toilet roll.

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Update: April 25, 2026 (three weeks later)

No advice wanted. If I had known he had this issue I never would have moved into with him in the first place. I tried suggesting he go to therapy to address this, but he just kept telling me that he is normal and I am the weird one. After that I knew our relationship was doomed. No one else in his family is like this. His dad is a railroad worker. His mom is a postal worker. Both sets of his grandparents love to travel. You can't do those things if you have the same issue as my ex-boyfriend.

During one of our arguments about this my boyfriend admitted his brother had wanted to go to university in another province but their parents said they would withdraw financial support and help getting students loans unless he went to the closest university. This was so my ex-boyfriend could get used to his brother's bathroom and come live there for university as well. When his brother was in university with us I got the sense that he was annoyed with my ex-boyfriend a lot of time.

I thought it was just normal sibling dynamics. I have three younger brothers so I get being annoyed with younger siblings. But my ex-boyfriend admitted that his brother joined the navy to get away from the family because we live in a landlocked province and it was the only way he could get away without financial support from their parents. My ex-boyfriend said his brother has not spoken to anyone in the family since he left. I know that his parents and one set of his grandparents enable him. I don't know about his other set of grandparents because they live in a different province and I only met them once. (He has no other family.)

When I told my ex-boyfriend that I was moving out he acted surprised. After we paid our rent for May I told our landlord that I would not be signing a new lease with my ex-boyfriend after ours expired at the end of May. I'm lucky enough to have a best friend who let me temporarily move in with her until my new place is ready next Saturday I just couldn't imagine a life where he declined better jobs because they aren't remote (right now he is a payroll clerk) or where we couldn't go see my family together, or travel or buy a house he never lived in before. And no matter what he said I know I was right about this not being normal.

tl;dr I broke up with him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwawaycheatedbf

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My (38F) husband (39M) is having an affair with his best friend (39M)

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

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Original post: March 25, 2026

[NAW] This has been the worst time of my life, and I wouldn't wish this hell on anyone. My husband is having an affair. That would be enough of a hell for me. But he's having it with his best friend (Jay). It never even crossed my mind what they were up to. They have known each other since college. Jay was my husband's best man. (editor's note: NAW = no advice wanted)

I knew my husband has been spending a lot of time with Jay after Jay's girlfriend broke up with him, but I never imagined it was more than just them being friends. My husband says this is recent and neither of them thought there was any interest in "this sort of thing" (His words to me).

I went to Boston to stay with my sister and brother-in-law, but I'll have to go back to New Hampshire soon because I don't have any more time off. I already hired a lawyer, and she says I can file for divorce based on adultery. My husband had the gall to say he didn't think I would be mad. Not only is he having sex with Jay, he told me that he has a bigger emotional connection with Jay than he does with me.

What the hell am I supposed to do with that? Eleven years of marriage and he does this? My life is completely falling apart and my husband said he didn't know why I was mad and I just had to tell someone even if you are strangers.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: How did this come to light? Did he tell you voluntarily or did you catch them? It’s still horrible either way but I’m noticing a trend among men in the 35-45 y/o range discovering their sexuality and in the way they come out to their spouse/partner. I’m sorry this happened to you.

> OOP: He sent me a text that was obviously not for me along the lines of "she's not going to be home tonight are you coming over?" and so I made sure to leave work early and go home. I didn't know the text was supposed to be for Jay. My stomach sunk when I read it, but I thought it was another woman or maybe I was just being paranoid. > > It was obvious what was happening even though they tried to cover it up when I got home. I feel so stupid because I never suspected anything. It was happening right under my nose and I didn't know.

Commenter 2: Shit, I'm so sorry. Now get yourself tested. Good luck with your divorce and future.

> OOP: I did go to the doctor to get an STD test, and it was the second most humiliating day of my life besides this.

Commenter 3: Sexuality aside, cheating is cheating. I’m sorry this happened to you. You deserve better than this.

> OOP: I would have felt the same way if his best friend was a woman. When I found out it knocked the breath out of me. I can't believe he would do this to me.

Commenter 4: Your husband is a deceitful ass, not to mention having the emotional empathy of a slug. This is not your fault. You did nothing to cause it. Please consider counseling and taking that jerk for everything you can.

> OOP: My sister said I should go to therapy but I'm not sure. I'm all over the place right now and I could barely talk to her and my brother-in-law about this. It took me over a week to even get up the nerve to post here.

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Update: May 9, 2026 (1.5 months later)

Update for: My (38F) husband (39M) is having an affair with his best friend (39M)

[NAW] I have filed for divorce. I found out that my husband moved Jay into our apartment the same week I left him. I went to Boston to stay with my sister and brother-in-law when I first found out about the affair. But I couldn't stay there forever. There was only so much time I could be away from work. I'm back in New Hampshire now. I just moved into an apartment that's close to my work. My colleagues at the hospital are great, the ones who know what happened have been good to me.

My lawyer says I am able to divorce my husband on the ground of adultery because I have clear proof of the affair. I hopefully won't have to pay him alimony because that would be the cherry on top of this mess. Eleven years of marriage and this is what he does? When my husband told me he has a bigger emotional connection with Jay than he does with me he broke my heart. He had the gall to act surprised that I'm mad about him and Jay.

I am such a mess. I'm mad, sad, destroyed, confused and about a hundred other emotions. I refuse to talk to my husband at all. Again, I just had to tell someone even if you are strangers because I don't want to overwhelm the people around me. They have been good to me, but I don't want this to be the only thing I talk about.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Otherwise_Yam2623

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITAH for saying no to endless money requests from a distant relative abroad?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!entitlement!<

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Original Post: May 3, 2026

I'll try to keep this concise but there's context needed.

I have a distant relative abroad on my father's side of the family (who I've met twice in my entire life). The last time being last year. We're connected on WhatsApp the way you are with distant family. Occasional birthdays, existing in the background etc... Nothing more. (My family live in London).

Last year we visited her and her family (including my father's aunts/cousins etc.)... We gave a small gift of around £50 (editor's note: $68USD) to each person during the visit. Looking back, I think that visit was more of an assessment than a reunion. Shortly after, the messages started.

Rapid fire. 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'You help me?' 'Pls reply.' The relative in particular told me it was for a lawyer for a house sale. After speaking with my father's brother (who lives in London) I sent approximately £900 (editor's note: close to $1,224USD). She promised faithfully to repay it in October when the house sold. October came and went. Nothing. Not even an acknowledgment. (Yes, the house WAS sold).

She asked me not to tell my parents. Or a specific relatives abroad. I told my parents anyway.

Fast forward... she has been sending 'hello' messages every two weeks since June last year. Photos of her son. Keeping the line warm. It was all calculated groundwork.

In Feb '26 she targeted my elderly uncle in London (a pensioner in his late 60s) asking for £500. She sent a barrage of messages, panicked and deleted it thinking he hadn't seen it (he had - on his home screen). She then pivoted to asking if there was 'a job in London for my husband.' My uncle replied politely. That single reply was enough, and she immediately asked for money again the same £500. She told him not to tell other family members she'd asked. He said no clearly.

She said 'ok, I'll ask someone else' within minutes. That someone else was me.

She messaged me again recently. Same vague script. 'I need your help.' 'Some money.' 'Pls last time help me dii." No amount. No reason. No acknowledgment of the £900 never repaid.

Things to note:

* They sold their home

* Her WhatsApp photo shows a brand new car and Apple Watches

* When my uncle said 'no' she said 'I'll ask someone else' without any real distress

* She's been messaging every 2 weeks since June - photos of her son, casual hellos - all to keep the line warm

* She asked both me and my uncle separately not to tell certain family members she'd asked

* My uncle and I have been comparing notes the entire time - she has no idea

I've ignored all her recent messages. My uncle & I are completely aligned. My parents know everything.

I'm not giving her any more money. But AITAH for shutting this down completely without explanation? Or should I send a message referencing the unpaid debt first? The reason I ask is because if I explain myself, I feel like I want really tell her off because it's SO unacceptable. My Uncle said not to do that as it'll turn into a 'family situation' rather than a 'simple end' to these money requests.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Don't respond, keep/download the messages as proof and maybe quietly see if she's tried this on other members of the family.

> OOP: Do you know WHY they want you keep it a secret from others (in their country) though? Because no one where she lives has that kind of money to give her? Why have I heard time and time again - that it must be kept secret from their own relatives in their own country?

Commenter 2: NTA. She’s an exploiter and you all know it. Replay ‘I am still waiting for the £900 repay from October. Until that is repaid there will be no more money from me.’ You’re not being mean, you’re just defining your boundary. Block her number on the internet honestly of vulnerable family members. And then on yours.

> OOP: My Uncle said even that would create a 'situation' in the family. They will get defensive - given they feel entitled to our money. They (the relatives abroad) think because we live in the UK, we are living like Kings and Queens, so why NOT help them? So my Uncle in the UK said to either ignore, block etc... whereas I feel like saying what you said above (and then some!)

Commenter 3: NTA

> But AITAH for shutting this down completely without explanation? Or should I send a message referencing the unpaid debt first? The reason I ask is because if I explain myself, I feel like I want really tell her off because it's SO unacceptable. My Uncle said not to do that as it'll turn into a 'family situation' rather than a 'simple end' to these money requests.

If your uncle thinks this will cause more problems than it solves, he's probably right; he's had a lot more experience dealing with the family than you have.

Do you want to blow up the family? You wouldn't necessarily be wrong to do so—she does owe you £900. But since you can't maintain family harmony and tell her off, choose.

> OOP: He is worried not so much that it will cause problems as in a major blow up - but more because he knows that they feel entitled to the money of those in the UK - so he thinks they just won't see it how we do. It'd be like speaking two different languages. I don't think he thinks it'll be a 'blow up' in the family, more that it's best overall to just ignore/block people like this - as in don't be 'accessible' to them. Whereas for me, it's a matter of justice and wanting to say: 'This is wrong. You can't treat people like this/this is unacceptable...' (I also want to see who else she grifted from, since maintaining secrecy was such a big deal for her!)

Commenter 4: NTA What I don't understand is WHY you didn't call her out on the money that she still owes you. I would also ask how she's enjoying her new car and watches. Where are you living now, since you sold your house? Let it "slip" that your relatives are concerned. Don't let her slide, even if you never get the money back, the calls/messages will stop.

> OOP: I did at the time of her promising repayment. Their house was sold in Sept '25. (We have lots of verified sources/public info to back this up). She promised repayment by October '25. It was only after that time period, her WhatsApp pic changed to the watches and car. She said nothing when pressed.

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Update: May 6, 2026 (three days later)

AITAH for saying no to endless money requests from a distant relative abroad? (UPDATE)

UPDATE:

Here is my previous post if anyone is interested: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/1t2m5c2/aitah_for_saying_no_to_endless_money_requests/

After that post from a few days ago - I told the person in question 'no' and sent a final text (as noted in my previous post). I said: 'No. I sent you £900 GBP last year and you never paid it back. I'm not sending you any more money.'

Her response: 'Ok. I understand. I have taken financial help from my friend. Ok?'

This not only doesn't acknowledge what I said - but I think she wants to move on from the topic altogether because she doesn't want the old debt acknowledged - and more importantly (to her) she doesn't want this topic to potentially spread. She wants to move swiftly on from it.

Also, if she had a friend in her home country that could help her, why harass family in London? It makes no sense.

It was all a con. If I had responded: 'Sure. Yes. How much do you need?'... she wouldn't have said: 'Oh, don't worry - a friend helped me out!'

Thank you to everyone who responded. I greatly appreciate it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Her response dodges repayment completely, you did right cutting off further money.

> OOP: My family in London have a theory that the 'friend' doesn't exist - and that she made it up to save face because I immediately said 'no'. If I pressed with questions, she would have to divulge details -and I think she got spooked. She wanted someone to say 'ok' - without even asking her what it the money was for. (Audacity, much?) Given that she has asked my Uncle (also in London) before - as in a few months ago - and he said 'no' - and how she just stopped talking to him altogether - it confirms it was all just for 'easy money'. > > Also, if she had this 'friend' all along - why harass family abroad? > > Let's say she DOES have this friend - she would obviously have to pay the friend back. Whereas with family - she could justify it and think: 'They won't miss it - they are in London...' So that's the another theory/option.

Commenter 2: Don’t waste your energy thinking how she got or not the money. Pester her about paying you back

> OOP: I did. I asked when she’d be paying ME back (after she said a friend helped her). She said: ‘Sorry. I thought you helped me…’ meaning I think she was implying that she felt she didn’t need to pay me back. Luckily; the messages were still there if you scrolled up. I went to look for them… only to see she had deleted them ‘for everyone’ (which you can do on WhatsApp). Luckily; I had screenshots already (prior to her deleting them) in my phone camera roll in which SHE said she’d pay me back last year - so I sent them to her. She wrote back: ‘Oh. Yaaa. Right…’ I wrote back: ‘So…?!’ She never replied to that.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Bikinigirlout

Originally posted to r/coworkerstories

Entitled Older Coworker puts her name on everything… including the water…

Trigger Warnings: >!theft, deception!<

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Original Post: March 27, 2026

We have a new coworker who just started like 3 months ago and puts her name on everything.

We just realized that she put her name on the bottled cases of water that we keep FOR EVERYONE.

The kicker is that she can put her name on everything, but, takes what I’m using while I’m still using it and then gets mad when I hide both items from her so I can still use them.

Even my boss was like “Well she’s the only one here right now so she’s probably using both”

Mind you it’s the company’s supplies. Not hers. I’m seriously thinking of putting my name on the most absurd objects just to point out her ridiculous entitlement but I’m also worried that it could be seen as a hostile work environment.

And yes we’ve complained to multiple bosses about it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: What kind of objects does she take while you are using them? If it was something quick-use like a stapler then I can understand but if it’s anything more needed then maybe you should talk to her about it?

> OOP: It’s something I need until the end of my shift, I don’t care if people use them when I’m done, but to take it while I’m working is a whole other thing. > > It was a common courtesy to wait until we were done to take these items. And I’ve never had an issue with letting people use them IF THEY ASKED. I’ve had other coworkers need them and by the time they asked, I was done so it never bothered me to hand them off to the next person. > > Until she came along and she wouldn’t ask. She would just be like “oh I’m taking them” and never bring them back.

Commenter 2: Have you asked your boss if they can buy more of those common items needed to work with? And I would have called her out on it, "I'm still using that."

> OOP: I feel like ordering more just plays into her game because we never had these issues until she started working for us. > > It was just common courtesy to wait until we were done then it was first come first serve. I had no problems loaning them out if people asked. But she never asks, she just takes. It’s just a dick move. > > The first time I was just genuinely so shocked that she even took it from me while I was still using it. Then I was just pissed. > > The second time she did it, my other coworker called her out directly in front of our boss. The third time she tried, I put my foot down and said I was using them and to basically get over it. > > The thing is she can’t even use them until after a certain time and she just hides anyways so I’m not sure why she can’t wait 45 fucking minutes. > > She’s still hoarding other items too. We actually had to “tell” on her again because she took two items when she really needed 1. She’s overstocking on items for her and her only. > > She’s also spreading rumors that we’re all gonna lose our jobs so needless to say my boss isn’t happy with her right now.

Commenter 3: INFO: Is she putting her name on whole cases or individual bottles she put in the fridge?

> OOP: Partial whole cases, if that makes sense. Like they start out as whole cases but because everyone uses them, there’s not many left. > > We’ve had water issues in our city, so we’ve been keeping extra bottles in case we lose water again and that’s what it’s for. Not for her to hoard.

Commenter 4: Stop playing her game. Handle it firmly and professionally.

"Deborah, this water/item is for everyone. Kindly stop writing your name on it."

"Deborah, I'm using this right now. I'll thank you to leave it till I'm done."

"Deborah, you're welcome to label your own items. But you'll have to stop claiming shared items or we will have to escalate this. Do you understand?"

Put your foot down.

> OOP: That’s what I told her yesterday. She asked where the items were and I said “I’m using them both” > > But because she’s very stuck in her ways, I confessed to my boss that I was hiding them in case she made a huge deal about it, but my boss lowkey took my side without me even knowing it. > > And I’m gonna continue hiding these items when it’s just me.

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Coworker is spreading rumors that we’re all going to lose our jobs.: April 2, 2026 (six days later)

We have a new person trying to start rumors that we’re all going to be losing our jobs when we won’t know until the summer. And she’s been telling others that we’re gonna be losing our jobs so of course it’s starting to cause panic.

She said she heard rumors from others who aren’t involved in the decision making process and it was a few months ago(so I’m assuming when she just started) so things could have changed in the meantime as well.

I’ve heard rumors in the past but I’m not as worried as I would have been back in September, ask me in September and I would have said ab so fucking lately. However We’ve turned a lot of our problems around and have been working insanely hard to turn these problems around.

I’ve been doing extra things when I have time so it actually looks like we’re doing work during the day when people can see it. Not to brag but that’s one of the things I always get compliments on that I’m always busy and that I’m always doing something for this reason.

Mind you I’ve been there for 10+ years, and I still don’t know the whole truth. So how would someone who just started 3 months ago know the truth.

We brought it up to our boss that she shouldn’t be spreading rumors like this considering she just started.

All I said was “Me and my coworker have been here the longest and we still don’t know what’s going on so why she feels the need to spread rumors is beyond me when she JUST started. She has no right to fear monger”

It’s one thing when me and my other coworker talk amongst ourselves, but I still don’t mention it to anyone else just because I don’t want to start panic.

I do have safety plans, but I planned on “leaving” regardless.

It’s not doing her any favors considering we’ve been having issues with her since she’s started and my boss was not happy when we told them about the issue either.

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Coworker damages property and steals stuff from the building yet somehow still has a job.: May 1, 2026 (one month later)

It’s super frustrating that within the last week, we’ve caught this coworker stealing items and damaging property and we have evidence of her doing both on camera. Yet somehow still has a job.

We’ve had issues with this coworker in the past. She’s felt entitled to other coworkers work supplies and takes them while they’re actively using them. I’ve had to hide items from her just so she won’t take them while I’m using them.

She’s taking partial cases of water that are meant for everyone and hoarded them for herself.

We’ve complained to our bosses about her doing so as well. Other coworkers have complained about her doing other stuff that we shouldn’t be doing.

But, I’m mean one time in a chat, and I get a write up for that. Yet the two things we fire people for on the spot, aside from sexual harassment, she doesn’t get fired.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: From a middle management perspective it can take a long time to fire someone who needs to be let go.

She might have some disabilities logged with HR which, even if these events aren’t related to the disability, can severely delay the termination process.

I hear you though. It’s entirely frustrating and fucks with morale on the team.

> OOP: It’s sort of like why bother actually bringing up issues when you have issues with someone if nothing is going to happen. > > Especially for major things like theft. It just feels like theft is selective here.

Commenter 2: Is that coworker related to one of your bosses or such?

Could you maybe complain on a higher level than your bosses?

> OOP: This is what we can’t figure out. I don’t think she’s related to anyone because she was hired by someone else before they left, but, my coworker and I can’t figure out why she gets away with so much especially when she’s the only one causing issues. > > We have went to people higher up about her and still nothing. >> >> Commenter 2: Then, you and every coworker who can pitch in should document everything and report it every time. And escalate even higher. So, they get flooded with reports about this employee. >>> >>> OOP: The sad thing is we’ve pretty much have been doing that since she’s started. >>> >>> I feel like this could have been an easy out and fire her while she’s still new because she’s going to keep causing issues and it’s better to do it early and not 6 months from now when she causes another issue that’s harder to hide. >>> >>> Its happened before where I’ve brought up issues to my boss, my boss waves it off for whatever reason and then two weeks later the issue becomes a bigger issue and both people are shocked they get fired that day. >>> >>> It’s almost like I know what I’m talking about and have seen every scenario play out because people are stupid and do stupid things.

Commenter 3: Send your boss an itemized by date account of how many dollars’ worth of stuff she’s stolen from the company.

Bring your coworkers in on this

Can you include security cam video? > > OOP: We have photo evidence from a “tip” someone else sent us. > > And the crazy thing is, we’ve fired people for costing the company shit loads of money for damaging property. I don’t see how this is different from that. >> >> Commenter 3: Can set up a sting? >> >> Something at the center of a Venn diagram of cost/would hurt company productivity/you know she’ll steal. >> >> Where you can record her good video good sound. >> >> Does she seem to be aware of security cameras? You could always set up the sting with some smart phones. >>> >>> OOP: I think that would be a step too far on our side and it would make us look like we’re targeting someone and not focused on our jobs. We just happened to get a tip because someone sent us a picture and was like “Who’s this jackass and why are they parked in front where they’re not supposed to be” >>> >>> She’s been parking in spots that are reserved for building people and that’s it. It’s been an ongoing problem that someone had to request her to move spots. >>> >>> But our place is absolutely covered in cameras and she’s new enough that she doesn’t have them memorized like I do(I get bored) that’s the other part I don’t get. There are cameras and she’s already bold enough to do stuff that would get her caught.

Commenter 4: Stealing stuff from your employer is ethically defensible, but I’m anti making your coworkers life miserable, so this is a tricky one. You absolutely should work it out as coworkers and not use your boss as a weapon to hurt a fellow worker.

> OOP: She’s also making our lives harder by taking our stuff while we’re actually working. She hides for an hour and doesn’t need what we’re using until a certain time. She can wait. She doesn’t even seem to use it either. > > She won’t let others use the item either. She makes them hunt for another item. She gets bitchy when you even ask to use it. > > I’m generally pretty flexible. I have no problem handing this item off when I’m done but that’s the key, if you want to take care of the item when I’m done using it, go ahead. Fair game. But not while I’m actively still using it cause then it throws me off. > > She doesn’t ask either. She just takes. Others at least have common courtesy to ask. > > Plus this item is reserved for first shift only. Once first is done, it gets passed to second.

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Update: May 8, 2026 (one week later)

Update: Entitled Older Coworker puts her name on everything; I’m pretty sure she’s a hoarder.

I made a post a few months ago about how this coworker loves to put her name on company supplies and how she takes items from others without asking. Including my own supplies and the bottled water that’s reserved for everyone.

I’m pretty sure that same coworker is a hoarder.

We were talking about it yesterday where she takes supplies she doesn’t need and how messy her area is because she takes too many supplies.

One of my other coworkers is an obsessive neat freak and even she was commenting on how messy their location was due to the hoarding.

She also has more than 2 supplies.

I understand having a backup for when you’re almost out, I used to do something similar where if I knew I was going to be out, but didn’t want to run back to the supply closet, I’d have a backup for that reason, but she’ll have 5 big jugged bottles of certain products, and she doesn’t need them and doesn’t go through them as fast.

This morning, I walked in to see her name stickied notes on a product that’s only for one of our machines and that machine only. She doesn’t need this product at all so I took a picture of it and let my other coworker see it just so I had another witness and told her that it was only reserved for one machine only and she ripped the sticky note off and put it back.

Besides only two of us know how to use this machine and I’m one of them. As far as I’m aware, she does not know how to use this machine and because of her age, I don’t think she’s capable.

We don’t use this machine as much as others. It pretty much sits dormant until summer. There’s no need for her to have this product.

Because she took this specific product, I have a small theory she might be stealing these products to bring home. She’s already been caught stealing already so I wouldn’t be surprised.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Get her caught stealing. That'll solve the problem eventually if she keeps getting caught.

> OOP: The sad part is we have caught her on camera stealing and she still has a job.

Commenter 2: If they lock the supply room she'll have to sign out everything g.

Tell HR your pay and the company bottom line is affected by theft

Tell your boss it hurts morale when others note her stealing.

Put a note on her desk to stop stealing

> OOP: Honestly, Signing products out isn’t a bad idea, we’re going to talk to my boss about it again today and I might bring this up that she HAS to sign items out instead of whatever this is. > > Yes we have an abundance of supplies, but, it’s also not fair that she can claim items, take ours and we can’t do the same to her cause otherwise she’ll pull the old lady card.

Commenter 3: I saw this had happened to a teacher and she ended up finding out that the person stealing was selling all the supplies online. She was able to take pics of the supplies being sold and the seller and the person got fired! Maybe this is one of those situations?

> OOP: We’ve had similar instances like that and I’m guessing it’s something along these lines

Commenter 4: Send a message to her and your boss. I see you put your name on product X. Can you explain why you need product X? It is only used for XZ and unless I'm mistake; you do not use XZ. Boss, has the current workflow shifted so that coworker needs to start using XZ? > > OOP: That’s what we’re planning to do when my boss gets here, with a similar phrasing as well. “why does she need this product when correct me if I’m wrong, we only use this product for that machine and that machine only” >> >> Commenter 4: How much older is this co-worker? One of the earliest signs of my mum's dementia was her labelling everything. >>> >>> OOP: I’m guessing around 70’s.

OOP explains more about their boss' awareness of how much of the products the coworker takes and what her write up was about

> OOP: Sadly, I guess my boss is aware of how much products she takes. > > My coworker and I truly can’t figure out how she manages to wiggle out of everything. > > I like my boss, but I guess they feel bad for giving her a write up for other things because she’s been mopey and isolating my boss out. > > Like I’m sorry, once you steal something, it’s a write up. Deal with it. Stealing and damaging property are like the only two things you can’t do at my company, and it seems like she somehow still has a job. That’s why we’re always frustrated. > > it seems pretty silly to me that my boss feels bad about that fact that she’s sad. > > My write up was silly texting drama that’s nothing compared to being a thief and I moved on.

OOP on the possibility of the coworker knowing someone within the department

> OOP: This is what we can’t figure out either. She’s new and sounds like she does know some big names, but I also know big names and have been at the company longer. I feel like my word should be much bigger than hers and some reason it’s not. > > I like my boss and the company always wants you to come to them with issues and I do however in this instance, it’s sort of like why bother. We bring up valid points and valid evidence. And nothing happens. > > I’m more scared for the summer when we’re with each other 24/7, I try hard to not cause drama and it’s easy when I see people for two seconds, but, if I see shit like stealing, racism or sexism like I did last summer, I can’t keep my mouth shut.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Significant_Break316

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA My friend invited herself to my vacation and I won't let her stay with me

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

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Original Post: March 21, 2026

Everyone involved is in their early 40s F. I recently got divorced and it has been very rough going. I went to therapy and it helped me tremendously. I am finally starting to feel like my old self. I got off of my rusty-dusty as my grandma would say, hit the gym, reconnected with my friends, I feel good again. My ex and I used to take frequent vacations, which I enjoyed. There is no reason for me to stop now. So I decided to organize a trip with my friends. I asked five of my friends if they wanted to go and three said yes. Diane was one of the ones who said no as she already scheduled a few vacations and had limited time available. No problem.

So I researched and found a four bedroom Airbnb. Everyone will have their own room. One friend and I each have the master rooms (one bed in each room) and the other two friends each have a double room (two separate beds in each room). Everything is set, flights are booked, it’s one month away, we’re excited!

And that brings us to this weekend. Diane called me and said one of her trips fell through and she now has availability to go with us on our trip. Great! I told her that our host has multiple properties, I’ll ask her if she has another one near ours or if she can recommend a hotel that is close to us. Diane got upset and asked why can’t she stay with us. I told her all rooms are taken. She knows this, I was telling her about the trip all along. She then asked why can’t I switch rooms with one of my friends, and she and I share a double room. I told her that I didn’t want to.

Now, call me selfish, call me mean, call me whatever, but make sure to add that I’m a grown ass woman who needs her space. I just spent 12 years sharing a room with my ex, I’ve happily adjusted to being alone. The other ladies are rarely away from their husbands and kids, so they want their space as well. From the very beginning the decision was that everyone would have their own room. I explained this to Diane. She doesn’t get it or doesn’t want to get it.

She then called my friends (she is friends with them through me) who are going on the trip to see if they will share with her. They all said no and suggested that she get an Airbnb or hotel near us, and we'll all hang out together.

I just want to state we all are professional women who make good money, so money isn’t the issue here. Diane often travels solo because she doesn’t want to negotiate with anyone (her words). She had her own room on the group trip that fell apart. We are not suggesting anything that she has not done previously.

So now she isn’t talking to any of us. I feel bad that I don’t feel bad as much as I should. I’ve been through enough in the last year, I’ve just learned how to handle my feelings again, I can’t manage hers as well. She knew we had finalized this trip, she knows everyone is looking to get away for their own reasons. We don’t want drama and she is bringing it to us. AITA for not accommodating her?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: This is a hard one. I get wanting your privacy, but if she’s someone you truly care about I don’t understand why you can’t share a room. It’s not like you’d be sharing a bed.

Can’t you see if the Airbnb host has any other 5 bedroom properties that you can switch to without losing any money?

You are likely going to lose a friend if you stick to your guns over this. You need to decide if losing her is worth having your own room on this trip.

> OOP: I get what you are saying, but everything is already paid for, we like the location and look of this place. I'm viewing it as she knows our plans are finalized, she knows it took a lot for me to organize it. If she truly cared, why is she trying to give me more grief.

Commenter 1: NTA. She said no, she doesn’t now get to inconvenience anyone else because her plans fell through.

> OOP: That is how I'm feeling. We are her second choice, and she wants us to scramble to accommodate her.

Commenter 2: I'm leaning toward NTA.

Info: have you directly asked her why she is opposed to getting a hotel room? Could she sleep on the couch? Otherwise there is no harm in her getting a hotel room.

> OOP: She would never sleep on a couch. She didn't even ask if that was an option. > > She said that since everyone is staying in one place, she wants to be with us. I understand that, but it would not be the first time that one of us stayed in a different location but still hung out with each other on a vacation.

OOP responds to a downvoted comment how everyone else knows Diane and they should accommodate to the last minute changes

> OOP: Everyone knows Diane through me, they don't often hang out with her without me. I would not mind if she joined the trip, she just cannot stay with us. This is not an emergency situation where everyone needs to find a corner to sleep in. This was a well-planned out trip designed for us to relax. Sharing a room with her is not relaxing.

Is this the first time Diane has asked OOP to make the changes to accommodate her?

> OOP: This is not the first time that she has expected me to jump to accommodate her. I guess my frustration is at an all-time high with her. I just want a peaceful vacation.

Commenter 3: I can see why she often travels by herself as she wants things her way and if she doesn't get her way she becomes nasty. I would take her not talking to you as a plus and let this "friendship" die a natural death.

> OOP: This is it. She likes things her way which is why sharing a room with her would not be relaxing.

Commenter 4: Unpopular opinion I guess, but I’d never speak to any of you again if I were Diane. This would tell me exactly how much you value my friendship, which is obviously not at all. I’d hope you don’t care about the relationship as much as your actions are saying you don’t.

> OOP: I appreciate your opinion, but I see it the other way. She knew of the pain I went through over the past year, she knows I'm just getting through the fog, she knows it took a lot for me to plan this vacation. For her to now try to impose herself, giving me grief when I'm trying to get out of my grief is very inconsiderate on her part. I just want peace and she knows sharing a room with her would not be peaceful. If she chooses to end the friendship over her actions, I won't stop her.

Did Diane invite herself to the vacation?

> OOP: Yes, she did invite herself. The vacation was set, the accommodations were set. She did not ask if she could join, she told me she was coming to the vacation and she expected me to rearrange set plans to include her.

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Update: May 5, 2026 (over 1.5 months later)

Update: AITA My friend invited herself to my vacation and I won't let her stay with me

Thank you mods for approving.

I posted over a month ago about my friend who invited herself last minute to my vacation. I want to clear a few things that kept coming up in the comments. When I wrote the post, everything just happened and my frustration showed in my writing. Diane is a good friend of mine, I don’t hate her, she can just be a bit much at times. I said that she invited herself because she didn’t ask to join us after our plans were finalized; she told us she was coming and expected us to accommodate her.

We all specifically wanted our own rooms. The other ladies wanted to enjoy their spouse/kid free time alone. This was my first vacation in a long time without the ex-hubby, so I just needed some space. I hope you can understand.

Now for the update. Although I was voted NTA, many commented that maybe I wasn’t a good friend. I felt bad about that, so I gave Diane another call to work things out and she answered. She wanted to know why I wouldn’t accommodate her and I told her what I said above. I also reminded her of our previous trips where we roomed together. That took us down memory lane where we talked about all of the things we used to get into, lol. It turned into a pleasant hour-long conversation.

I discussed why it wouldn’t be a good idea for us to share rooms. We just have different travel styles. I like to get up early, walk around, shop. She wants to sleep-in and veg out. The last time we shared a room was a disaster. There were a few hiccups on that trip, and she complained about it all day, and then again at night when we were in the room. I had no reprieve from the nonstop complaints. She was not always like that. She grew less tolerant over time, as we all, but she took it to an extreme. She said she doesn’t complain, she just observes where there can be improvements, lol.

We worked it out, the other ladies also made peace with her. Diane and a friend joined our trip and stayed at a nearby property. They were welcomed to join us at our pool and other activities. Of course, the beginning was not smooth sailing.

We had our vacation set up where we had two days of group excursions, the remaining days we would play it by ear, just agree to meet for dinner. I told Diane she and her friend could join us on the excursions, she complained that they started too early. She went to the first one and complained that each stop was too short, we should have went with a private tour, etc. I pulled her to the side and asked her to stop complaining. To her credit, she stopped…until we went to dinner and then she complained about everything all over again.

I suggested that she not join the other excursion as it would be more of the same. She asked if I didn’t want her around, I said not for the excursion, lol. So we met for dinner on the other excursion day and hung out on other days. With the exception of the one excursion, it went pretty well.

So that is it, nothing too dramatic, and we managed to stay friends through it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It's great you guys were able to work it out, but I'm curious, is she a close friend or just a longtime friend? I couldn't imagine being friends with someone who is so consistently negative that they've been a noticeable and memorable problem on multiple vacations. Not to mention the entitlement to just tell you that she's coming on your finalized vacation. Then she complains. Do you actually enjoy being around her, or is it just habit to include her in plans because you've been friends for so long and she's historically always been included? If you truly enjoy her company, then that's great! I'm just curious if you've ever thought about your friendship with her and really asked yourself that question. Sometimes we just outgrow longtime friends.

> OOP: This is a lot to think about. She was a close friend for a long time, but I find myself working overtime to keep the peace with her.

Downvoted Commenter: Would it not have been possible to book a different Airbnb with one more room? I've never used one, so I don't know the rules regarding deposits or cancellations. I'm also aware that it would be in general an inconvenience to switch everyone to different accommodations, but I probably would've looked into that to avoid the hassle and make sure everyone felt included. Granted she sounds generally unpleasant and not someone I would've wanted to vacation with. I'm just curious as far as the accommodations go if there were other options

> OOP: It took a lot to organize this trip, it was the perfect location for us with the amenities that we wanted. I did not want to go through that process again so close to the vacation. I'm sure the other ladies did not want to go through that either.

Commenter 2: I’m glad that worked out but my god, I couldn’t stay friends with someone who complained like that. Sounds like an energy vampire.

> OOP: Energy vampire is perfect. She has a good heart to be fair, but her constant complaining is a bit too much and I have talked to her about it

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/bluebeauty69

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

AITA for ending things and ghosting after finding out she lied about her husband being dead?

Thanks to u/SnorkinOrkin for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, falsifying statements!<

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Original Post: May 4, 2026

I (32M) am married with two kids, and my wife and I have an open relationship. With her full knowledge and agreement, I started seeing another woman who also said she had two kids around the same age as mine.

She told me her husband had passed away, and she even showed me a picture of him. Over time things got pretty serious we blended parts of our lives in a way that honestly felt really natural. The only thing that ever seemed off was that we never went to her house, only mine or out in public. Looking back, yeah… obvious red flag.

A few days ago I randomly saw her out shopping and she was with the same man she told me was dead.

I didn’t approach her, didn’t cause a scene, nothing. I just left and haven’t spoken to her since. I’ve basically cut her off completely.

My wife thinks I should tell the husband what’s going on, but I really don’t want to get dragged into her life or whatever mess she’s created. I feel like I’ve already been lied to enough and just want to move on.

Am I overreacting for ending things and ghosting her instead of confronting her or telling her husband?

Editor's note: OOP also made the same post onto another subreddit. I am adding comments from that subreddit for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for ghosting in this situation. I can understand being a bit lost for words in the moment, if you do see them together out and about again please go in for the cuddle to say hi, then introduce yourself to the husband and when he replies "I'm her husband" you say "I heard you were dead" then walk away

> OOP: This right here is exactly what I told my wife I planned to do. And she said no he needs to know sooner. (Which I agree with), but I figure if I see them again then that’s the time to speak up.

Commenter 2: NTA. She deceived you as well as her husband. You owe her nothing. Ghosting her is exactly what she deserves. But her husband does need to know.

> OOP: This is what my wife says as well. But I have no way to contact her husband without contacting her is the ultimate problem.

Commenter 3: If you have a wife and you only meet other people for sex, then why does it even matter ? Or do you only have sex with single people (even though you’re married yourself), but not with married people?

> OOP: It’s not just sex it’s also about adding to our relationship. Friends with benefits in a way. It doesn’t have to be single people. We just want honesty with the other people. Which is the problem in this situation where she lied about her husband being dead.

Commenter 4: NTA. She's clearly and deliberately misrepresented herself. Trust is imperative in any relationship, even more so in open relationships - but she's destroyed that trust by lying. You are not obligated to inform the husband. If you're not comfortable with that, that's okay. Not your circus, not your monkies.

I'm curious to know though, when you saw her and her husband, did she see you?

> OOP: She did and her face was that of someone who saw a ghost as was mine. Then I promptly turned around and left.

Commenter 5: NTJ but…. I have a genuine question and I’m trying to understand something. Why are you and your wife married? Why didn’t you just keep dating if you didn’t want to commit to the vows you spoke? I truly can’t comprehend a marriage that isn’t wanted but is still legal. What is the benefit of a marriage? I don’t care if people downvote me because I’m curious and confused. I’m trying to educate myself.

> OOP: For us its isn’t only about the physical relationship with the other people. It’s about the emotional connection we form and being able to have the company of others. We consider it platonic polyamory.

Commenter 6: You have to tell the husband though. You are morally obligated to since you know he’s alive and married to her. You can’t just ignore this. Even if it’s just an anonymous email from a burner account. Or a letter with no return address. Even if it’s a friend of his you contact on Facebook with a new account. You have to find some way to tell him. You are in an open relationship he may not be.

> OOP: Yes I know he should know as if I were in his position I would want to know. Part of me though also knows this could possibly become a crazy situation and I don’t know if I want to bring that into my family's life. And I am thinking I’m better off cutting ties.

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Update: May 7, 2026 (three days later)

Update on confronting the "dead husband"

Well I didn’t think at all it would be this soon. A lot of people told me I should tell the husband, and honestly I didn’t think I would. I wanted to just disappear from the situation and move on. But life handled it for me this morning.

I saw him alone at a coffee shop before work. I walked up to him and said, “Hey… how’d you do it?”

He looked confused and said, “Do what?”

I said, “Come back from the dead.”

At that point he just stared at me, completely lost, so I sat down and explained everything. I told him what she had told me, that she said he passed away, showed me his picture, and that we had been seeing each other for months.

Turns out this wasn’t even close to the first time she cheated. He told me there had been affairs in the past, and apparently one of the kids might not even biologically be his because of it. He said she promised she was done with all that, but I guess this time she escalated into literally pretending he died.

The guy was obviously upset, but weirdly enough he wasn’t angry at me. He actually apologized to me for what she did, which made me feel awful because he’s clearly been dealing with this for years. I told him he didn’t owe me an apology at all.

We exchanged contact info because I saved all the messages where she talked about him being “dead,” and he said he may need them later if he goes through with filing for divorce.

Honestly the whole thing just feels insane and sad now.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/After_Mail4652

Originally posted to r/Advice

I left my marriage for 8 months, had the time of my life and then went back. Biggest mistake ever.

Trigger Warnings: >!misogyny, weaponized incompetence, emotional manipulation, neglect!<

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Original post: April 30, 2026

I'm 30F, husband is 34M. we dated for 3 years before getting married. his parents live with us from the beginning.

Last year I hit a wall. The entire household runs on me. cooking, cleaning, managing everything for everyone including two fully grown adults who are perfectly capable of doing things themselves. It was exhausting with a MIL who's dominating and controlling.

I just left one day. Packed my stuff and walked out. Yes, there was a dramatic fight. I was just done.

And those 8 months were honestly the best months of my entire adult life. I slept properly for the first time in years. I travelled, small trips but they were completely mine. I cooked for myself, watched every show I had been putting off, met new people who just knew me as me. no in laws, no household to manage, no one needing things from me constantly. I was myself again. lighter, happier, more relaxed. I remember thinking wow I actually really like this person. When did I stop being her.

and then he came back.

calls every day, long messages, showing up, saying everything I had spent years wanting to hear. I miss you, I've changed, it'll be so different this time, please just come back. And I went back. because I'm human and because years of love doesn't just switch off even when part of you wishes it would.

Within weeks it was like those 8 months never happened. same house, same in laws, same cooking and cleaning and managing everything for everyone while nobody notices or says thank you. Same husband who says nothing when his mom oversteps. I'm not a wife here. I'm just the unpaid help.

the worst part is I think I already knew. I knew deep down that nothing had actually changed. I went back anyway because I wanted so badly to believe it would be different this time.

I'm 30, no kids, one year into this marriage. I know what the obvious answer probably is. but I want to hear from people who have actually been through something like this. Did anyone go back and have it actually work out. And if you left for good how did you finally find the courage to do it when everyone around you acts like you should just be grateful you have a marriage to come back to.

Be honest with me please. I can handle it. Sould I stick around here or move out again? (my husband refuses to move out with me. He says he wants to live with his parents always)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You and your husband are not compatible. I can see why he wants you there, he's getting a sweet deal. I can't see how you are benefiting from his desired living situation at all. Cut your losses and move on permanently this time. Before you have kids. Let him take care of himself and his parents. Sadly, love is not enough.

> OOP: May be I realised this too late that "love is not enough". because I went back for love. I stayed for love. I swallowed so many things for love.. And love hasn't changed a single thing about my daily reality. I still wake up every morning to a household that runs on me and a husband who thinks that's just how it should be. > > maybe we just want completely different things from a marriage and no amount of talking or trying or going back and forth is going to change that. He wants a traditional household and I want a partner. those two things just don't live in the same house.

Commenter 2: People are rarely able to fundamentally change. And if it's the exact same thing even after you went away and then came back, there's no hope for this too change in the future. You'd be better off making a clean break and walk away from this.

> OOP: I didn't come back to a different marriage. I came back to the same one with 8 months of distance between me and the reality of it.. and that distance made it feel new for about five minutes. And then it was just exactly what it always was. Same house, Same dynamic, same invisible feeling. Nothing changed because nothing was ever going to change

Commenter 3: You already know the answer….move on and be happy, he’s not willing to change for you.

> OOP: I know. I really do know. I just needed to say it all out loud somewhere before I could fully accept it. it's just really different knowing something in your head versus actually being ready to do something about it. My head has known for months. My heart is still catching up. It took me a lot of courage to leave the last time and of course I was shattered because of what happened.. but at least I was able to breathe then.. I feel like caged now. :(.

Commenter 4: And you lived just fine financially on your own?? Fantastic! Live your best life!

> OOP: I am financially independent :) just so y'all know there had been pressure on me from my in laws (specially my MIL) to quit working and focus on taking care of home & planning a baby. I was adamant on not quitting and this was also one of the major reasons of fights at home before I left. I was able to survive those months only because I had my job.

Commenter 5: If you have a baby, you will FOREVER be locked into the family, and that baby will then be raised to believe that YOUR LIFE is the NORM and if it is a girl that is HER FUTURE.

Would you want that for her? Would you want your child to have its mother be a SHELL? YOU KNOW YOUR ANSWER. Your husband has given you your answer. It’s sad and frustrating. I have left before. With a child. And had to start with nothing, and made a life.

Being able to sleep and being able to laugh and not feeling the weight of everything but our lives means a lot. YOU GOT THIS! As you have said you already know your answer. Go for it. You have nothing to lose....EXCEPT YOURSELF. CHOOSE YOURSELF.

Just sayin' (I love love love my child, but if you have one with said husband you will forever be tied to this family and it will be much harder for you to move on, and if there are no changes now, I doubt there will be any after a baby cause you will be too tired to fight/leave after) .

> OOP: I'm already exhausted now with just the two of us and his parents. add a baby and I wouldn't have the energy to think straight let alone plan a way out. I think that's honestly what everyone in that house is counting on. That eventually I'll be too tired to want anything for myself anymore. I refuse to let that happen. > > Child? NO! Quitting my job? NO! that's the clearest no I've felt about anything in a really long time. > > I have always heard that women are so strong. Now I see/feel why they say so. Women are. > > "Empowered women empower women." Truly seeing this here. Thank you to each and every strong women reading this here. I need that strength from each one of you. > > To the amazing men here supporting me: thank you for breaking the pattern and making me believe that "not all men are the same" :')

Commenter 6: Is your birth control tamper proof? This is the point he makes you stick around by getting you pregnant.

> OOP: Yes. I am safe! I have never wanted a child in this marriage. Not just because I don't feel ready or because the marriage is unhappy. But because somewhere deep down I think I always knew that a baby here would mean no way out. ever. I'd be tied to this house, this family, this dynamic forever. And I think my gut has been protecting me from that (and not quitting my job despite tremendous pressure) even when my heart was busy going back and giving second chances.

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Update: May 1, 2026 (next day)

Want to start with: thank you with my whole heart to everyone supported me yesterday. Thousands of kind strangers telling me I deserved better, to choose myself, to get out before it was too late. I read every single comment and cried through most of them. This was a life changing post for me.

Update: I showed my husband the post and all your comments. He read everything. We talked all night. Now I don't know what to think. Need advice again.

I handed him my phone, and I watched his face as he read. The post, the comments, all of it. He was quiet for a really long time.

And then he looked at me and said I had no idea it had gotten this bad. We talked all night. Properly talked. The kind of talking we hadn't done in years.

He apologised for never checking on me during those 8 months. Said he was too angry and too hurt, and he let that stop him from asking if I was okay. He said he should have spoken up for me more against his family. That he watched things happen and stayed quiet when he should have said something. He admitted that.

and then he made some promises.

On the baby front he said he finally understands why I've been so resistant. He said take as much time as you need, let's revisit it in two years when things feel more stable, and if anyone in the family pressures me before then he'll handle it. No more pressure, no more comments, no more pointed questions at family gatherings. He said when and if we have a baby it'll be when I'm genuinely ready. Not a day before.

on the work front he said nobody will ever make me quit my job and if anyone tries he'll shut it down. But then in the same breath he said that when it comes to choosing between work and family I'll need to choose his family. (his example was if his mom isn't feeling well I'd need to stay home and take care of her. Not go to work. family first in those situations.)

And on the living situation he was honest. More honest than I expected. He said he will never move out from his parents. They are everything to him and that is never going to change. But he said he'll make the environment at home better. easier. less suffocating. He acknowledged that the cooking and the household falls on me and said he'd try to make it more manageable. But also said his mom is aging and the men in his family don't cook so the cooking will still be mine to handle.

And now I don't know what to feel.

part of me is really moved that he read everything, that he sat with it, that he apologised and didn't get defensive. I know that's not nothing. But another part of me is sitting here quietly going through each promise and feeling something complicated.

The baby thing feels genuine. but two years is still a timeline someone else is setting for my body.

The work thing sounds supportive until you get to the part where his mom's health will always outrank my job. What happens when that becomes a regular thing. what happens when every other week there's a reason I need to stay home.

and the living situation. he said it so simply. My parents are everything to me and I will never leave them. and I believe him. I really do. But what does that mean for me. what does it mean for us. cooking before work and after work every single day for a household that will never shrink.

He said he'll make it a better environment. but what does that actually look like. better how. easier how. the same house, the same people, just with a slightly softer atmosphere?

I just want y'all to help me see this clearly. Thanks a million times again.

Edit: I know he's going to involve his mom in this today and tell her what I'm up to. But I know what I've to do now. I do not want this life. I left last time abruptly, in anger, hurt, and to come back. This time a stronger woman will be sitting in front of them, talking calmly, and making very clear that SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE A PART OF THIS FAMILY ANYMORE and wants MOVE ON. I'm so grateful that I had this conversation with him yesterday. Never felt so firm before this.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Girl get out, said with love It's all promises and manipulation, but you see through that.

You were strong enough to leave once, choose yourself and life can be as incredible as you let it

> OOP: Now I’m feeling glad I had that conversation with him. As hard as it was, it actually made things a lot clearer for me. > > When I got married, I really did believe it would be for life. I think most of us go into it hoping we’ll make it work no matter what. And I didn’t want to walk away wondering if I gave up too soon or didn’t try enough. > > But hearing him say everything so clearly.. what he can change and what he won’t. It kind of removed the confusion for me. In a strange way, it’s helped me feel more firm about the decision I’m leaning towards.

Commenter 2: He is literally telling you nothing will change and you are not his first priority

Just because he read it doesn't mean anything

> OOP: It took away a lot of confusion for me and happy y'all think so too. He didn’t sugarcoat things and in a way, that’s helped me see the situation more realistically instead of emotionally.

Commenter 3: So all he has done is apologise and give some pretty words about how NOTHING WILL CHANGE FUNDAMENTALLY, but he will SPEAK to his parents if OP raises it.

What a worthless man to anybody not his parents.

I would absolutely the fuck not be procreating with that piece of shit. He can go hire a bang maid and at least she will know the terms of the agreement.

> OOP: the conversation didn’t give me hope.. it gave me clarity!! > > Hearing him be so direct about things actually helped me let go of a lot of doubts I was holding onto. That has made me feel stronger about what I need to do next. There are not "what ifs" now.

Commenter 4: Sweetie, he wants a cook/maid/nurse for his parents and that’s a nonnegotiable for him. He’s not even considering hiring a cleaning or maid service even when you are struggling. Some women are satisfied with that. If that’s not what you want, it’s time to leave. None of that will change and it will get worse as his parents age and childcare rears its ugly head. It’s going to be more and more work.

> OOP: Regarding the maid service, I did try to talk to my MIL about this in the initial few months of marriage. She said we do not need it. We're only 4 people at home and we all can manage it. Maid service will be expensive for us. I told that to my husband and he said, "whatever mom says goes". I was literally out of words that day. This was the first red flag I saw after marriage.

Who handled the chores while OP was gone?

> OOP: It was my MIL who did manage house . Once I came back, she stopped. Not immediately but slowly she started holding herself back from chores citing her health issues. She rests all day now.

Commenter 5: He refuses to compromise or step up. What do you mean "men in my family don't cook"? That's ridiculous. Learn to cook. You're a grown ass adult who's capable of learning new things. Start cooking and cleaning. Also, why would you leave YOUR job to take care of HIS mom? He should leave his job to take care of his mom. She's HIS mom. Christ on a stick.

You were happier single. Go be single. This dude sucks. Well he might be a lovely person, but he's refusing to make minimal changes to benefit you despite the threat of losing you. So just leave.

> OOP: he has two working legs and two working hands and a perfectly functional kitchen that he has apparently never been required to use in his entire life. these are fully functioning human beings who managed to exist on this planet before I showed up. Somehow the moment I entered this house all of that capability just evaporated. because why develop basic life skills when there's a woman who'll just do it. I’m not a wife. I’m a convenience. > > I can't imagine how pathetic this whole mindset has started to feel. it's suffocating. Living here with each day has started to feel struggle now.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Sea-Lifeguard-4311

Originally posted to r/AmITheJerk

Am I the jerk to insist on calling my aunt "mother" and to say that it doesn't depend on my mother's permission?

Trigger Warnings: >!child neglect, medical issues!<

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Original Post: May 4, 2026

My older sister was very ill since our childhood. She was born with a congenital heart condition and although she managed with medication in her early years, she was placed on the transplant list when she was 8 years old. I was four at the time, but I still remember a little of how difficult that process was for our family. My mother and father were naturally mostly by my sister's side, and I have no resentment or bitterness towards them for that. It had to be that way.

But while they were busy with my sister, my aunt looked after us (me and older brother) and we even lived with her from time to time. And she was a wonderful aunt; she did everything she could to make up for the absence of our mother. She put so much effort into raising us and she's a really good, very motherly woman. Honestly, she became a second mother to me, and I still call her "Mom" sometimes. After about 10 years old, I reduced this and learned to mostly call her "Aunt," saving the word "Mom" for special occasions or when we were alone together, when I felt one of us needed it. Because I knew it was considered strange for a child to call two people "Mom" and my mother didn't like it at all. But as I said, I didn't stop completely. I couldn't.

I can't say I consciously hide the fact that I sometimes still call her "Mom”, but I guess my mother didn't know or she must have thought I'd already stopped, because my aunt had surgery on Friday, and when she woke up from anesthesia, I unconsciously called her "Mom," which surprised her greatly. She said she couldn't believe I still did it and that it was very unhealthy. Besides it being very unhealthy for me and requiring therapy, she said it was also hurting my aunt because she has a deceased child, and I was reminding her of her loss. (But I asked her about this before, and she said that wasn't the case at all, that she was very happy, and I believe her. Her eyes light up every time I call her "Mom.").

She explained that I could get therapy for it if I wanted but she wouldn't allow me to call my aunt "Mom" again and frankly, I got a little angry at that. I told her that she couldn't allow it anyway because it wasn't something that depended on her permission. I said I would address my aunt however I wanted. I mentioned it. As you can imagine, she's very surprised and angry. But so am I. What nonsense is this? My aunt looked after us for years. She deserves this title, I know she wants it, and I feel comfortable giving it to her, so what's the problem?

My brother is on my side, but my sister is very attached to my mother and tells me I'm being unfair to her. Whereas I think the real injustice is my mother interfering in my relationship with my aunt and taking away a term of endearment that makes us both feel comfortable. Am I wrong or jerk?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in the original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. love isn’t a limited title.. your aunt earned “Mom” the hard way.

Commenter 2: You mom is jealous and will break the family if she continues.

It's not surprising the one child your mother actually mothered takes her side.

Commenter 3: if ur aunt is happy and you’re comfortable, that’s kinda the end of it and nobody else gets veto power

Commenter 4: It’s funny her mother wants OP to go to therapy, when it’s OP’s mother who should be going to therapy. OP didn’t call her aunt ‘mom’ to hurt her mom or out of anger. Her mom doesn’t get to gatekeep the term of endearment, NTJ

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Update: May 6, 2026 (two days later)

Update: Am I the jerk because I insisted on calling my aunt "Mom" and stated that she couldn't interfere with that?

Yes, I read the comments, gave myself some time to calm down and think and here I am.

First of all, thank you everyone. These comments reminded me that I am completely free to address my aunt however I want and that I haven't done anything wrong, and they also helped me understand my mother better. I hadn't really thought about why my mother reacted that way – because it seemed selfish and inappropriate to me that she reacted like that while my aunt had just had surgery, I guess that's why I didn't question it much. I realized this after reading the comments. And thinking about it, yes, it seems quite clear that it probably stems from guilt.

I sat my mother down and we talked. I openly asked her why it bothered her so much that I called my aunt "mother" and it quickly became clear that she saw it as an insult. I told her that this was completely unrelated to my relationship with her; it stemmed from the nature of my relationship with my aunt, not the nature of my relationship with her. She admitted that she couldn't understand this and yes, she still feels a lot of guilt about it, which surprised me because I don't feel any resentment or anger towards my mother or father now, really, truly. It was a very difficult time, and everyone did their best; that's really how it had to be at the time. My parents couldn't do anything either. But I think I understand why my mother feels that way because, of course, there were times when I didn't see it or was angry at them as a child, I can't lie.

But I let go of that a long time ago. My sister had to have a second heart transplant when I was 16 and I can honestly say that's exactly why all my resentment melted away. I was old enough then to see and understand everything; I clearly saw how much care and effort my sister's condition required, how impossible it was to keep up with everything. And witnessing and feeling firsthand how difficult and hopeless everything was all my resentment melted away. It was a terrible situation; for everyone and there was nothing anyone could do. Since then, I haven't felt those old remnants of resentment towards my parents that I sometimes felt during my childhood and adolescence. Since then, I've responded more to my parents' efforts—I can't say I always responded to their attempts at closeness or reconciliation before this event. I wasn't rude, I wasn't overly distant, but I know I always made them feel a distance they couldn't overcome with me—and our relationship quickly evolved for the better. So I thought my mother had overcome it too, like me but I guess I was wrong. Honestly, years have passed. Maybe it's normal for her to feel that way because I haven't quite reached that point yet until a few years ago, maybe I should have considered it. But I really don't feel that way anymore. I told my mother all of this, and I think she was so relieved, she almost cried and she kept thanking me.

However, she said that even though our relationship has improved so much in recent years, she still feels incomplete because I was closer to my aunt for a large part of my life (I can't deny that I kept my distance until I was 16). She said she wanted to spend more time with her, etc. I promised that we would try harder to make up for it, and we also talked about the idea of her going to therapy, not for me. Well, I have to admit that the irony made me laugh!

And yes, I will, of course, continue to call my aunt "Mom. “I told my mother that my aunt deserved it, that that's how I feel and that I'll continue to call her that. It's her responsibility to deal with it and she'll work on it.

Thank you everyone!

Editor's note: OOP didn't leave any comments here in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: It’s really nice when there's an update where everyone has handled the situation with communication like mature adults.

Commenter 2: Very good outcome. I’m glad you suggested therapy for her. She is the one carrying baggage and she needs to get through it. Smooth sailing OP.

Commenter 3: What a great conversation to have with your Mom. You won't make up for lost time, but you can certainly build on your relationship now. Maturity goes a long way!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/MajesticToe8844

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for defending my wife against her grieving family?

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a parent, emotional abuse and manipulation, verbal abuse!<

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Original Post: May 3, 2026

We lost my father in law (FIL) last May.

My wife is doing 4 running events over the next 2 weeks to raise money for the hospice that cared for my FIL, so she has been putting her just giving link on her Facebook account to raise the money. This morning is her first event, a half marathon that she has been training for the last 4 months.

There are 2 things that have upset my MIL and SIL:

1. Last February my sister in law (SIL) text my wife and caused an argument because of my wife sharing her fund raising on FB saying it was upsetting mother in law (MIL). My SIL has a habit of inserting herself in to everything if it gives her a chance to put down my wife. Anyway, MIL was with us while SIL was texting and said 'I don’t know why she is saying this, I’m okay with that'... well turns out she’s not okay with it as yesterday she got very upset seeing my wife post about the fund raising

2. MIL is not happy with the amount my wife contacts her and checks she is okay. For context, they have conversations almost every day (5/7 days this week) and we've taken her on some family holidays since FILs passing. But in MIL's eyes, every day contact is needed.

On Friday my wife told MIL that yesterday she will be focusing on herself in order to prepare for her run this morning. My MIL was supposed to be coming to the finish line with us today and then out for a meal afterwards.

We received a message in the group chat from MIL at 9.15pm last night saying she won't be coming, she's had a bad day and the only person she has spoken to is my SIL 3 times. Here is how the rest of the convo went:

Wife: Okay, sorry to hear that. I understand if you don’t want to come. I’ll tell you about it after

MIL: Sorry that you’ve not made the effort to message or call me today, Dad would be so proud of your fundraising

Me: This is not on, stop. You could've called her... she is getting herself prepared for tomorrow. And to message now just before bed is not on, now my wife is in tears and won't sleep tonight making it harder for tomorrow.

MIL: We are both in tears then

Me: All because for some reason you couldn't call her today and expect her to do it even though she told you yesterday she was spending today getting ready for tomorrow

This conversation went on a bit longer include how FIL asked for their daughters to look after her and wife is failing that, he would be disappointed and that the Samaritans care more about her feelings.

MIL screenshotted these messages and sent them to SIL who then messaged me vile things saying I should be embarrassed for this and have some fucking sympathy. I’m fuming and my wife has been in tears since.

My wife is in therapy at the moment to get help her with her dad's passing and to also support her as she often has feeling so not being good enough, this being an example of how she is treated by MIL and SIL who often gang up on her.

I don’t know if IATAH because obviously they are grieving and I have escalated the situation further, but I couldn't sit back and watch after all the effort my wife has put in.

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Everyone grieves differently. Some tactics are healthy, others are not.

> OOP: Unfortunately my wife's tactic is avoidance. She needs to keep herself busy to avoid thinking about her dad, which is why she is doing the running and multiple other things to take up her time. MIL sees this as wife being too busy for her. One of the things my wife is dealing with in therapy is to overcome this avoidance strategy.

Commenter 2: Sorry what??? I am not a positive example but calling mother 5 of 7 days is already toooooo much. It's too enmeshed and your mil is codependent. Read a book "The Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life" by Dr. Patricia Love. Your in laws did their daughters wrong. It's not too late to talk about parenting mistakes.

> OOP: It’s still very raw for them about FILs passing, MIL now lives alone and doesn't have many people to talk to, so I understand her need for contact, but every day is too overbearing in my opinion

Commenter 3: NTAH and from now on remember that "ask your fav daughter" is a legitimate reply

> OOP: My SIL does contact MIL every day however her circumstances are different to my wife > > SIL hasn't been at work for the last year as she’s been on maternity leave with her first baby > > My wife works, has a 2nd job (kind of a self-employed hobby) and we've have 2 children under 7 go care for. > > I think one of the problems is MILs attitude of 'well your sister can do it...'

Commenter 4: NTA. Your MIL needs some therapy, and I would suggest that you and your wife reduce the amount of time you spend with MIL to protect your wife's sanity. Keep being the rock your wife needs, you are doing a great job.

Commenter 5: Your wife needs to back off MIL and SIL for a while for her mental health, they both seem like emotional vampires who are sucking the empathy out of your wife. Your SIL seem especially toxic and no doubt she is feeing MIL bait for her to feel neglected

Go LC with both of them for a while and get your wife into therapy so she can deal with her father’s death without the guilt tripping from her sister and mother.

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Update: May 4, 2026 (next day)

Update: AITAH for defending my wife against her grieving family?

MIL turned up to the finish line without telling anyone she was going to. She text me an hour before my wife was due to finish to ask where we were so she could stand with us and I replied I don't think it’s a good idea to be here, my wife said the night before that she doesn't want her there to which she replied tough I'm already here.

I did not let her know where we were standing as I didn't want to upset my wife further by her thinking I went against what she wanted. This has upset MIL even more that I left her alone to stand there for '2 or 3 hours'...

MILs best friend is messaging my wife telling her to give MIL some slack, so she's getting others involved too

MIL text my wife last night, again just before bed saying she was proud of her. My wife replied saying 'thank you for the support, I am still upset and hurt so would like some time' MIL immediately called started off by saying she just wants to talk about the race and see how my wife is. My wife said no she doesn't want to talk and then the argument kicked off again, apparently I've said some hurtful things too... So let’s put the whole conversation on here and see what people think are the hurtful messages.. This is a 3 way message with me, MIL and my wife for context the night before her half marathon... continued from original post - first message below is last message in original post.

Me: All because for some reason you couldn't call her today and expect her to do it even though she told you yesterday she was spending today getting ready for tomorrow

MIL: That Response has really upset me

Me: *replying to 'sorry that you've not made the effort message* Well this message has really upset my wife and annoyed me... Why didn't you call earlier?

MIL: I shouldn't have to, I thought our daughter would want to make an effort, FIL told me that he asked both daughters to look after their mum

Me: This is why my wife is having therapy. She's told you about how she doesn't feel good enough and this is exactly the reason why. You say you are worried about her then you guilt trip her like this. You can call too and she does call you

MIL: The Samaritans seem more interested in my emotions

Me: You don't seem interested in my wife’s... She has been anxious about her half marathon all week and now probably won't sleep

MIL: No according to FB, she's been plastering my family business all over it

(That is referring to my wife posting her just giving link for fund-raising)

My Wife: No Idea what that means, stop now

MIL: Good luck tomorrow ❤️.

My Wife: Classic gas-lighting, please don't message me again

Did I say anything hurtful?

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: ESH! MIL and SIL for obvious reasons; all already mentioned in the comments. OP and his wife are aholes, because charitable or volunteer work should not automatically take priority over supporting loved ones. Doing good is socially untouchable and OPs wife is made to be a hero, while the mother-in-law very clearly stated what support she needed (daily phone calls with her children). My criticism is that this concrete emotional request was brushed aside because a charity marathon was treated as morally more important. Instead of just communicating that 1 call/day is too much.

It’s like if a friend told me: “I’m bleeding heavily after giving birth, my husband left me, and my twins need something other than frozen meals. Could you cook for me once a day?” And I replied: “Aw sweetie, I can’t! I’m currently fundraising for single mothers, they have it so hard.”

> OOP: To clarify, my wife has communicated that guaranteed everyday contact is too much for her, but she will try her best, and also she told MIL a few days before that on that Saturday she needed the day for herself to prepare, not sure if that comes across the post or not

Commenter 1: INFO : How does FIL having said that the girls would look after their mom mean that mom needs to be telephoned every day? MIL is so manipulative in wanting her way and controlling your wife.

Your MIL needs to be put on time-out, and your wife needs some time without her mom in order to re-evaluate the relation and possibly rebuild it with very healthy boundaries.

NTA

But please stop entertaining your MIL, as you're even doing by answering her calls and messages after your wife clearly indicated needing some time.

> OOP: To be clear, I didn't answer that call last night, my wife did

Commenter 2: You truly need to just distance yourself from both of them. I know that will seem impossible for your wife, but this is how things will continue to play out.

She will never fill the need. SIL, is for some reason also sabotaging any hope there used to be. Help her draw the line with absolute boundaries, and help her stick to them. My husband did this for me, and I adore him for it in hindsight.

Her peace, mental health, and your marriage depend on it.

Commenter 3: NTA, you haven’t said anything hurtful. MIL is narcissistic and grieving the loss of her primary source of attention (FIL). This is the worst possible combo as she needs to replace the source with something else to keep the show all about her…queue daughters.

SIL is golden child and mother’s flying monkey, your wife is scapegoat child. No matter what she says or does she will always be wrong and picked on.

Imagine putting someone down for fundraising?! WTF?! For context, my best friend’s mum passed earlier this year after a yearlong battle. We were similar to your wife and undertook a bunch of sponsored hikes last year for the charity that helped her mum. Friends and family all supported her. It’s a normal and worthy thing to do. It is also a form of grieving and helps you stop feeling helpless in a situation you can’t control, it gave my friend a purpose, so I can understand how your wife feels. My best friend has a step daughter whose mother is a narcissist. Step daughter did the walks with us (huge achievement as she is still young). Her mother was the only person who couldn’t be happy for what we were doing because she perceived the light was shining on her daughter rather than her.

Your wife is an amazing person, I’m so sorry for her loss, and I’m sorry her mother and sister are treating her this way. She doesn’t deserve it. I’m sure FIL didn’t ask her to take abuse. Family is supposed to look after each other, not focus on one single person at the expense of the others. I doubt he would want her to sacrifice her happiness and mental health for MIL when MIL is behaving this way.

I suggest you and your wife go LC/NC with MIL/SIL and block any other flying monkeys that she sends to attack your wife, it’s just manipulation to try and guilt her into falling in line. Cut off the fuel source (it’s called grey rocking). If you choose LC, or if you choose to re-establish contact later when your wife is feeling better, set hard boundaries. However - Expect them to test and break those boundaries. And your response must be to enforce them and go back to LC/NC if required, otherwise the abuse/guilting will just restart. I know this is really hard…but don’t share or show any emotions with MIL, it’s what she feeds off and just turns it round on you to make herself the victim, and ultimately this then makes your wife feel worse. It’s not worth it.

Congratulations to your wife on the half marathon! That is an amazing achievement, and wonderful that she has raised money for a good cause. I hope, despite her family’s actions she is able to take some comfort from the good she has done, and know that other people will be supported through their own difficult times as a result of her effort and compassion.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Vast_Result_8543

Originally posted to r/Waiting_To_Wed

Waiting to Wed: 9 Years

Trigger Warnings: >!mental health struggles, emotional neglect!<

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Original Post: April 16, 2026

OG: I’d (29f) been with my partner (30m) for 9 years, and from jump I said I wanted to get married and have kids. He told me he did too. To say I love this man is an understatement. I put him on such a high pedestal, which was probably always a part of the problem in our relationship.

We moved multiple times for my career, and I always assumed it was coming. However, it never did. We had many conversations about it, and he told me he didn’t know why he didn’t want to get married. I waited. I just waited.

At one point he had a ring from his family and I was so excited. I’d run around the house when he wasn’t home wearing it. Loving the idea that FINALLY it was happening. That was a year ago.

This became such a painful topic for me that I didn’t even want to get married anymore bc I didn’t want a shut up ring. And I felt like such a cliche: the girl that is badgering her bf to marry her.

I ended it yesterday. I’m devastated but I know this is right. I know that another nine years would pass and I’d still be waiting.

Reflecting on this, I’m not mad at him. Maybe I should be, but I’m not. What I am recognizing is I have zero self confidence. Like none. And THAT is what I am feeling most. Just this emptiness because I put myself on an island. I figured, I must be a piece of shit, because the man I loved didn’t want me. I know that is not the truth but it’s what I am actively trying to heal from.

I know this will take time, and I’m devastated. How did you build back up your self esteem and self worth in the beginning?

Update 4/17/26: I am with my folks now, and my mom and I read through everyone's comments last night. She actually printed them out for me and tucked them into my backpack. I hope you all know that this has been such a lifeline, and I am so very grateful. Tomorrow, my AMAZING parents are driving 10 hours with me to pick up some of my stuff, and my dogs and I will be living with them over the summer. I'm excited to fully dive into my work and imagine a new future.

VERY weirdly, yesterday I was driving, and "Silver Springs" by Fleetwood Mac came on, and whilst I was working at a coffee shop, it played TWICE. TWICE. I know it was probably Sirius XM doing what it does, but I took it as a sign.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It’s time to put yourself on a pedestal.

> Commenter 2: Yep 28-29 is when your life actually starts, and it’s the perfect time for a rebrand. I decided to get my shit together at 25, now I’m 28 and I’m the happiest and healthiest I’ve ever been. I can’t wait for my 30’s to see how I’ll continue to grow. Now that OP has ditched the dead weight she can lock in and find a serious person. Rooting for you OP!! >> >> OOP: Thank you! It ebbs and flows but I think more than anything, I am excited for the next chapter. I am a PhD student so I will FULLY be able to focus on that without waiting for someone to come home, or like me.

Commenter 3: Good for you for taking control of your life. You should have left the first time he told you he didn't want to get married. Do not let him back in. He had a decade to make you his wife and chose not to, so anything he says now is meaningless. Invest in individual counseling to help you figure out how to move forward and recognize healthy relationships. > > Commenter 4: Therapy definitely helped me unpack and make my life different after ending my 8 year wait. It crushed that the last 5 we were engaged but he kept moving the goal posts >> >> OOP: I was always so quiet about this with my therapist because I was embarrassed. When I finally told her what was going on, she said, "I am going to take off my therapist hat for a second and tell you clearly, you deserve better." With the amazing support of my friends and family, I am starting to believe that. <3

Commenter 5: You block him everywhere because he will miss your attention, love and effort and convince himself to get you back. He will love bomb you, say everything you ever wanted him to say, promise everything you ever wanted him to promise and may even give you a ring. Then you will realize he could have been this person all along but he just didn’t want to. It’s all gaslighting. If he had wanted to, he would have. You will always be someone he settled for because, while he may love you, you are not the person he can’t live without. He will realize he can play upon your love to keep you doing his chores, cleaning his house, listening to him speak, washing his laundry and dishes, cooking his meals, making him look good, and taking care of his sexual needs. But remember, he’s chosen to not willingly walk the future you want for yourself.

So you block him now, get therapy to process that you stayed too long and don’t really know what a healthy relationship looks like, and you date yourself. Who are you now? What foods, movies, books, activities do you like now when you don’t have to cater to someone else? Take a professional class, get a better job, learn another language, and find some place you’ve always wanted to live and move. Try a bunch of different classes! Yoga, accounting, investing, tai chi, martial arts, painting, calligraphy, cooking from around the world. You have made yourself small for 9 years to make someone else happy. So treat yourself to the pleasure of your company and every nice thing you used to do for him….do for you.

> OOP: SO SMALL! I don’t want to shape shift and contort myself anymore for anyone. I want to see what I can do with this really beautiful life now that I am not waiting.

Commenter 6: Take some time to heal - just not too much! If I were in your shoes, I'd find a few things to do that don't involve centering all your thoughts, hopes, and dreams on one person. That's not healthy.

Diversify your sources of happiness the way you'd manage money in an investment portfolio. If one "asset" is going through a rough spot, you have others that are doing better.

Resolve never again to make a man your everything. Men don't appreciate that the way we expect. I'm old, and I've seen time and again in my own life and others' that, when a man knows you're prepared to do anything for him in exchange for not very much from him, he'll accept your terms. Then you wonder why you feel taken for granted. Have standards he knows he needs to meet. Because it's not enough for him to enjoy and appreciate what you have to offer; he needs to respect you as well.

> OOP: Wowza, you had a much deeper understanding of this than I did. What is WILD is that I actually have so much to be proud of. I am a PhD student. I am healthy, and I have amazing friends and family as well as a niece! I can't wait to focus more on those things than wondering why, what, and how I could make this relationship work. Turns out, it just wasn't right.

OOP responds to a longer thread on how her ex took the news when she ended the relationship. Did he step up to fix the relationship or is he depressed?

> OOP: That he didn’t see this coming.

> No it was a 6 min convo, and I haven’t heard from him since.

> We both struggle with our mental health. I’ve reached out to his close friends to let them know what is going on.

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Update #1: May 1, 2026 (two weeks later)

About a month ago I posted this.

Y'all, I am not kidding when I say that I am doing so much better. As everyone predicted, he called, and it was just so unimportant, but what came of it was that I saw he never respected me. He never believed me when I said I was hurt or that I would leave. And when I did, he couldn't imagine how someone wouldn't want to be with him. Whatever.

This weekend, I am finding my own apartment and defending a big part of my PhD program. And do you know what I am not worrying about? If I embarrass my bf, or if I get some post-mortem lecture about how I behave and how he doesn't like it. Or being told to stop talking. Or being ignored when he walked in the door. Or being treated like what I am getting my PhD in is frivolous. That shit is not for me anymore, and it never should have been.

I said this on another post, but I didn't lose a man; I lost a problem, and I am better for it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: The thought of a guy whom you have to worry about embarrassing, who lectures you about your behavior, and who thinks your PhD is frivolous… gives me an ick the size of Mount Everest.

So happy you’re rid of that dude. Welcome to the rest of your life.

> OOP: Y'all are going to fall out of your chairs when I tell you what I do. I research and write curriculum to teach immigrant and refugee students to read and write, regardless of their English proficiency.

Commenter 2: First - best of luck with your PhD. Go make yourselft proud!

Second - have a long and hard think about why you would ever have wanted to marry (and put on a pedestal) a man who treated you the way you described here.

> OOP: Yes! That has been a difficult mirror to hold up to myself. But thank god I didn't get what I thought I wanted.

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Update #2: May 5, 2026 (four days later)

I posted this about my recent breakup.

I officially defended my qualifying exam, and it went AMAZING. Here are some highlights:

* I was invited to be included in a book!!!

* The Beyoncé of my field told me I was a great writer.

* My entire committee is so excited about my next steps, and everyone wants to be included in my study. I was sent multiple applications for grants.

This all happened in one day (well after a long hard road). And this joy I am feeling is just so special. And mine. It is MINE.

I’m on this path to loving myself in a way that I don’t think I could have accomplished if I was still in that incredibly difficult relationship.

For anyone who is in limbo and wonders whether they should leave, remember that you have the full capacity to love with everything you have. And sometimes, people take advantage of that, and that is painful in ways that eat away at your soul. Believe I know. But that love you have can turn inwards, and you will be better for it. I promise. This is coming from someone who is still in the thick of it, and I still feel like choosing myself was worth it.

I will forever be grateful to this sub for helping me and being my cheerleader during this difficult time. I was actually SOOOO excited to tell all of you, and I will be active on this sub, giving the same support you all gave me. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Concluding Comment

Commenter: Ok, I'm misting up for a complete stranger on Reddit.

Good for you and thank you for updating us.

Ladies Who Lurk: This OP is a case study about how there is more to Life and more to You than some guy who thinks it's ok to jerk you around for years with his BS.

> OOP: Yes! No one is saying any of this is easy. It isn’t and it broke my heart. BUT, I now know that I can pick myself up. I’m slowly building more and more internal security and trust.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwaway_weddrama

Originally posted to r/AIO

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AIO? Shady Bridesmaid hijacked Wedding Shower

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

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RECAP

Original Post: February 4, 2026

Throwaway because I don’t want this tied to my main.

My sister is getting married and asked me to be her matron of honor, which I was thrilled about. I love my little sister, and she was my maid of honor when I got married a few years ago. We talk once or twice a week (I have a little one at home, and she’s younger, very social, staying-out-late type).

She’s planning a BIG wedding. Lots of people, lots of moving parts.

As matron of honor, I’m expected to lead planning for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. Since the shower comes first, I asked my sister what vibe she wanted. She said elegant. Perfect. I told her I’ll organize with the bridesmaids and report back to her ideas that she can choose from/approve. I asked her if she had any ideas already, and she said no, but wanted to see what we come up with. She did say she wanted something that would accommodate a lot of people.

I created a group chat with the bridesmaids to start planning. There are three other bridesmaids: two are my sister’s childhood friends (I know them, sweet, collaborative, great people), and one I didn’t know. Let’s call her Shady.

Shady is actually in the main group of friends of my sister’s future husband. They included her as a bridesmaid rather than on the groom’s side for symmetry in the wedding party, but my sister is getting to know her more and she is becoming one of her friend’s too.

We planned an in-person meeting to brainstorm ideas. Everyone showed up on time, except Shady. I texted and called, no answer. After about 30 minutes, I suggested we start planning. We started discussing ideas, games, and venues. I mentioned that I was thinking of some elegant venues, but that they could be pricey. I’m a little bit older and more financially established, so I offered to cover the cost of the venue/restaurant/hotel/studio, and if the other bridesmaids wanted to focus on games, decor, flowers, and themes ideas. They were relieved and agreed since they’re still in or just out of college.

After 45 minutes, Shady shows up and apologizes for being late. We recap everything. She doesn’t offer any ideas, she just listens.

We all chat a bit, get to know each other, and Shady seems friendly, outgoing, and pleasant. We end the meeting with the plan that I’ll tour venues and update the group chat, and everyone else will contribute ideas for games, décor, and themes.

The following week, I took a few days off work and toured several venues. I took photos and shared them in the group chat. The other bridesmaids responded with comments like how beautiful they were, questions about space and menus, etc. the showed pictures of game ideas and themes, etc.

Shady said nothing.

That weekend, I went to my sister’s place to show her everything in person. She casually mentioned that Shady and her boyfriend had been over earlier that day to spend time with her and her future hubby.

Then my sister tells me: Shady had already shown her all the venue photos and ideas from the group chat. She then showed my sister pictures of a friend’s large mansion, complete with floor plans, and suggested hosting the shower there instead with catering.

My sister said she really liked that idea.

I told my sister that if that’s what she wants, I support it. I want her to be happy and have the shower she wants.

But I feel like the rug was pulled out from under me.

I did planning, legwork, touring, and shared everything with the group. Shady said nothing in the chat, then went directly to my sister behind the scenes with some other plan that she did not want to share with the bridesmaid group?

Was this shady behavior, or am I overreacting?

Do I confront Shady, or keep quiet to avoid drama during my sister’s wedding?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I would bring it up in the group chat to let the others girls know the ideas “shady” came up with so all of you are on the same page. My question is being “shady” came up with the mansion does that mean it’s free because it’s her friends or will she be covering that expense.

> OOP: It will be free because it is at someone’s house. My sister will also likely add this additional person to the guest list if she’s hosting the party for the shower. I imagine the bridal party will divide costs for food? I’m going to make a group chat informing the other bridesmaids of the change. I don’t know how to word it without sounding upset right now.

Commenter 2: I'm going to play devil's advocate here. When you were at the bridal planning , she could not offer up a second person's house without speaking to them first.

She absolutely had to confirm with that person before she made the offer. And then once she got a confirmation that it could be done , she likely told your sister because she knows your sister better and she spoke to your sister before she spoke to you.

She might be shady, but I don't think this is that deep.

The only way you're gonna know is if you talk to her. But if you don't talk to her and you just start bailing out of things and s*** talking her without finding out what happened , then you're going to be the one who's bringing drama.

> OOP: I appreciate you giving a possible way to view this. I’m not the type to burn the house down if something goes wrong, so I’m not in any way going to stop being there for my sister or step down from being her MOH. > > I just think there were many opportunities to say, hey- here’s an option. I can check with my friend if it is possible. > > That would have been great.

Commenter 3: Honestly, leave this one alone and tell your sister that you’re leaving the planning of everything else to Shady because of what she did. Let her know you don’t have time for this and cut off the drama at the head.

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Update #1: February 15, 2026 (11 days later)

AIO: Shady bridesmaid hijacked shower UPDATE

UPDATE: Somehow things got worse! This is long. Sorry all.

Remember when I said I didn’t want to cause drama for my sister? Well I failed.

After my sister told me she wanted to go with Shady’s mansion shower plan, I decided to be an adult and call Shady directly.

She didn’t answer.

So I sent a polite text saying I had spoken to my sister, she mentioned the mansion idea, and I was just confused about how the group chat planning pivoted into a fully formed alternate event. Very calm. Very “just trying to understand.”

She texted back instead of calling.

She said she doesn’t have a sister of her own and really wants to do this for my sister. Okay.

She did not address why she didn’t bring this up in the group chat.

Then she added that she already has a menu planned, my sister agreed to it, she will be covering the cost, and all the bridesmaids have to do is show up and enjoy.

Oh, and she plans to use one of the games we discussed in the group chat.

Excuse me?

So now she’s throwing the shower. Featuring one recycled game from the peasants. I know I’m not paying anything for this, so she’s not looking to take advantage of my generosity.

I probably shouldn’t have, but I responded that this was something I had really wanted to do for MY only sister, and I was disappointed I didn’t even get to be part of it.

Then I called my sister to explain the conversation.

My sister said yes, she’s good with this plan, this is what she wants, and I can just focus on the bachelorette party.

If this is what she wants, fine. I will swallow it. But I felt… disappointed? Replaced? Weirdly pushed out?

So I sent a neutral message to the group chat saying that Shady would be taking over the shower planning and that it would be at her friend’s home.

My phone rang immediately.

One of the bridesmaids (we’ll call her Sweetie) calls me absolutely shocked because she knew how passionate I was about doing this for my sister. I explained what happened. She was upset for me and asked if I wanted her to call Shady and find out why she left us out.

And here is where hindsight punches me in the face.

I said sure.

Sweetie calls Shady.

Shady answers.

Apparently Sweetie did not love the responses she got.

They argue.

Shady then calls my sister.

My sister then calls me.

My sister was upset because there’s conflict. I tried calming her down, but I ended up getting upset too and I yelled. I did apologize. But in that moment I realized my sister just wanted me to quietly make this work and not create waves… and I had just created a tidal wave.

How did we get here???

Fast forward to this past weekend.

We had an unrelated event where all the bridesmaids were present, along with family, and I met my sister’s future in-laws for the first time.

Shady was there.

She did not speak to me. Not once.

Instead, she stayed glued to my sister’s fiancé and his mother.

When I met the future MIL (with Shady standing right there), I immediately got the vibe that she was annoyed with me. Curt. Polite but distant. And I couldn’t help but wonder what version of this story had been told on that side.

I stayed near my sister the whole event. She seemed happy. Sweetie stuck by us too. But there is now this very obvious divide with Shady.

And I feel terrible.

I never wanted to make my sister’s wedding messy. I just wanted to throw her a beautiful shower. Now somehow it feels political.

So now I’m asking:

Did I mishandle this?

Is this a “pick your battles” situation and I picked wrong?

Was I reasonably hurt and this spiraled beyond what I intended?

Because right now I feel like I accidentally became the villain.

Editor's note: OOP made the same update post onto another subreddit, I am adding comments from that sub for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Damn that Shady has screwed you over. Sadly, you played right in to her hands and now she is the one seen to be "doing what the bride wants" and you are the bad guy. To be honest though, as long as your sister is happy, I'd just let the drama fade away now.

Totally understand why you are hurt though and I do think that you're NTA

> OOP: Thanks for your response. I think this is probably the best way. I appreciate you saying I’m NTA and understand why I am hurt. I don’t think my sister understands that and maybe that’s why this feels unresolved and uncomfortable. And now I’ve got to interact with Shady for the next few months for wedding activities and act like everything is okay.

Is there any chances that Shady likes the Future BIL and is jealous that he's getting married to OOP's sister?

> OOP: No - I don’t think so. They’ve been friends for many years and he was single for a long time before he met my sister. > > I do think she appreciates his friendship and wants to be involved to a significant degree, but wasn’t happy with me being in charge or leading something she wanted control of.

Commenter 2: Sounds to me like Shady has main character syndrome.

One idea might be for you and Sweetie, and Xtra Sweetie 😊 to just sit tight and be available anytime your sister reaches out.

And let Shady do her little show, cuz eventually she's gonna slip up and show her ass. If she is MC type, she's not gonna stop trying taking center stage from you. It's going to bleed into other aspects of the wedding, and your sister and others will see her as she really is.

But realize now that you can't stop it, based on the dynamics you described. Know that you can't protect your sister from her because your sister's still buying into it. And she's just going to have to learn about this girl from her own experiences. So there's no reason getting your sister pissed off at you over it. You've already kind of warned her. Now you can just be there when she needs you.

So, just give Shady enough rope and eventually she'll h@ng herself, so to speak. (Obviously not literally; it's an old saying).

It's going to be hard biting your tongue, but just be there for your sister when she needs you.

PSA: this is just one of multiple certain scenarios that could play out

> OOP: This sounds like the route I will go. I’ll just have to accept what happened and just be polite when I see Shady. I don’t like that my sister’s future MIL has such a negative impression of me. Shady is such an ass.

Commenter 3: Your sister is an AH and owes you an apology for allowing this friend to treat you so badly. I hope you tell your sister that if she thinks her friend is more of a sister to her then you’ll be stepping back. Your sister is in the wrong here, not only her shitty friend.

> OOP: I didn’t really think about this perspective. She really is dismissing my feelings about what happened. > > I’m not going to step down from being her MOH, I love her and will give her grace about this. > > There might be more going on behind the scenes than I know. I know if Shady brought this up when spending time with my sister and my future BIL, I could see my future BIL possibly pushing for this if he thought it was a good idea too, as he is pretty opinionated. This is just speculation, though.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding avoiding making more conflicts and the idea of stepping down as the MOH because her sister is disregarding her and her relationship with OOP

> OOP: I didn’t think about that, but yes, my sister disregarding my feelings about what happened. That does hurt. > > I am going to give her grace about this, as wedding planning is very stressful and overwhelming.

OOP's thoughts on if Shady is trying to be the MOH due to taking over the shower as she claims to know the bride / sister than OOP does

> OOP: I actually would have preferred Shady to take over the bachelorette party than the shower. With a little one at home I’ve gotten protective over my sleep, and I’m not into staying out all night as I used to be. But I will make it everything my sister wants and drink coffee or an energy drink or whatever I need to do to keep up with my sister and her friends.

Is Shady a family member or related to anyone else in the family?

> OOP: No.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #2: May 5, 2026 (nearly three months later)

So the hijacked shower was this past weekend, and I have to admit, it was beautiful. Elegant, polished, and honestly better than anything I would have put together.

I received an invitation like any other guest, no mention of helping, no role, just show up. A few days before, I even texted Shady asking if I could bring anything. Her response? Just bring yourself! So that’s what I did.

I had family coming in from out of town for the shower, so a few of my aunts and cousins met at my house and we all drove together in multiple cars. Some of them stayed with me for the weekend.

When we arrived, well, this place was something else. A massive, gated home, like, movie level fancy. Fountain out front, sweeping steps, pillars, the whole thing. Immediately I was like, okay, this is not your average shower.

Shady greeted us at the door, all air kisses and charm, thanked us for coming, and swept us inside like she was hosting a gala. And honestly? The setup was stunning. The hor d’ourves were elegantly plated looking like art displays. It was classy, coordinated, and way more formal than anything I would’ve planned. I’m pretty sure she saw the look on my face, too, a mix of awe and omg. She gave this little half smile before moving on to the next guests. Whatever.

I knew about half the room (my family) so I spent time catching up. I also made the rounds, introduced myself to people I didn’t know, got to know my sis’ future family. Sis’ future MIL? Polite but still cold. I also tried chatting with Shady’s inner circle (we’ll call them Snotty, Snooty, and Stuck-Up), and yeah. Short responses. Not exactly welcoming. Fine.

But then I started noticing something else. My family members seemed uncomfortable. And that is not us. We’re loud, competitive, and we LOVE shower games. Usually it turns into chaos in the best way.

This time? People are subdued, hesitant, and quiet.

Meanwhile, my sister was on cloud nine. She was glowing, making her rounds, but mostly sitting with Shady and her crew. She looked like she felt like a princess. Im happy for her.

When sweetie arrived, she gave me a look that perfectly matched what I’d felt walking in. No words needed.

Then came the games. Shady led them, along with her trio. The room we moved into looked like a luxury hotel lobby. The family members that participated were reserved and surprisingly less enthusiastic. It made me more aware of the differences between the families, and that many of my family members seemed like they felt out of place.

Fast forward to later that evening.

My sister and her fiancé came over to my house to spend time with the out of town relatives. Everything was typical, until my future brother in law said something.

One of my cousins casually asked why I hadn’t thrown the shower. Before I could even answer, my future BIL jumped in and said, “It’s actually inappropriate for a sister to host a bridal shower.”

I was a bit shocked. I looked at my sister. She didn’t react (she was playing with my kid) but I know she heard it.

And I started thinking there was possibly more behind the high jacking. Was Shady placed as a mole to purposely take over the shower so there would be a standard that would meet Future BIL’s family expectations? My future brother-in-law’s family is quite affluent, and while that’s never been an issue in our interactions before, it did make me consider whether expectations around the event may have influenced what happened.

My BIL knows our family. He’s been to our parties, he knows they’re fun, loud, and definitely not formal. And his family? They’re wealthy. Like, very wealthy.

It’s never been an issue before, he’s usually easygoing but he does have noticeably expensive taste.

So I’m wondering, did he step in behind the scenes? Did he think what I would’ve planned wouldn’t be good enough (which is correct, I would have planned something less formal and more laidback)?

And if so, why not just say something instead of this weird takeover? I’m flexible.

I’m really not too upset anymore over what happened, I just have the feeling that people did shady things around me rather than just communicate. This was too blatantly weird to just happen this way.

Ah well. On to the bachelorette party planning!

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Write a positive, glowing review of the incredible work Shady did in the bridesmaids chat. How elegant it was, how everyone in you family is still talking about it. Be genuine and show that you're impressed.

Thank Shady for her efforts and apologise for the earlier misunderstandings. Express that she's set a high bar for all of you now.

Your goal isn't to suck up to Shady. You should give credit where it's due. She did a great job and your sister and her fiancé clearly enjoyed having a posh shower.

Start the group plotting for the bachelorette. Encourage ideas and collaboration. Be half aware that Shady might choose to arrange a fancier and more expensive option. If she does, be graceful about it.

If that comes up, ask your sister if she would prefer to swap your and Shady's roles, so Shady gets the MOH role. Be graceful about it. It's not a demotion. It's recognition for the role Shady may be performing. I know that you wanted the opportunity to do these things for your sister, but ultimately this is about your sister rather than about you.

Finally, feel encouraged to create a family-specific event for your sister for any family who can make it a day or two before the wedding. A picnic perhaps, if the weather will be good. Invite Sweetie and other close friends and family, including your soon to be brother-in-law. Do it as a family member, rather than as the matron of honour. Play games. Encourage your family to be their enthusiastic selves. Enjoy yourself.

I know it sucks to be overshadowed, but your sister is making her own choices. I guess she likes the finer things. It's really hard to compete with someone who can put on an event like that shower, so don't. Have your sister's back. Maybe her future family-in-law are the nicest people, but just in case they aren't, learn how to dance with them so that you can be there for her.

> OOP: I like what you said, giving her credit where it is due and praising the shower. It was the fanciest shower I’d ever been to. And collaborating on the bachelorette. > > But I don’t see a need to step down as MOH. I do think it’d be nice to schedule some family activities before the wedding and try and mend whatever happened. > > Thank you!

Commenter 2: Not a fan of the conflict aversion (by them). It seems like a lot going on behind the scenes and I actually remember your original post. From what you're giving, it just seems... idk. If your sis is wanting the elegance and so on, that's fine. But state it outright from the get-go. Or have a come to Jesus moment with you. The weird power games are just immature. Why triangulate when you can just talk.

Not a fan of the BIL deflecting blame by saying "it's inappropriate for the sister to throw the shower," like wtf is that even.

I'd just step back. I'd be heartbroken that the sister was just deflecting. I get she said that's what she wanted but it's a lot of sneaking behind your back for it and I'm just not about it.

Maybe the signs have all been there, but all that's being done is breaking hearts, like yours. It's sad.

Let her be. Maybe she'll come around and offer explanation, or maybe that's who she is becoming now. I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

> Commenter 3: I have a suspicion that your sister's future in-laws are very caught up in the strict rules of etiquette. > > In case you didn't know it, as much as I hate to say it, your future BIL is correct. According to Emily post, it is extremely inappropriate for a family member to throw a bridal shower. It's traditionally done by the bride's Friends. > > However, it's important to note that that rule is quite archaic, and certainly not enforced. I had a colleague whose son and daughter-in-law were getting married, who threw themselves a bridal shower. > > But apparently these people are too busy looking down their noses at you to see that the times have changed. > > I'm sorry to say it, but I suspect your sister is buying into this snobby atmosphere. > > I suggest you retreat, lick your wounds, and live to fight another day. Hopefully it won't get to it, but maybe you can do it for her next wedding? > > > > OOP: And I was planning the bridal shower as MOH with the bridesmaids before the highjacking.

Commenter 4: Do NOT plan the bachelorette! Are you not seeing what is patently obvious? Your sister is part of what her new family and Shady are doing and she doesn’t care if you are hurt. She doesn’t want you involved. You should not even be part of the wedding party.

It appears your sister is playing coy but she approves of what is happening and how you are treated. And she doesn’t care about you at all. This is her new life and you’re not part of it.

Time to step down, back out of everything and simply attend as a guest. And seek your husbands support as your relationship with your sister will never recover. Nor does she care.

Please have some self-respect and stand up for yourself. They are going to hurt you very badly and you don’t deserve this - your sister is a manipulative POS and it’s time you see that clearly.

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