u/Choice_Evidence1983

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/lepetitbrie

Originally posted to r/managers

My direct report is married to my new manager

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post: September 25, 2026

I've worked in my role for just under 5 years. I have stellar evaluations from my previous supervisor, and I know I am performing well beyond my job description. I've supervised the same 2 people the entire time. Both are good performers on the whole. Due to a reorg, (editor's note: reorganization - a major structural change in the company or team) the workload on my direct reports recently increased, and I've been really working with Barbara (fake name) to address her workload concerns; my other staff person has no concerns and actually reports free time. They have the same assignments, so I feel most of the workload concerns are related to work-style. No matter how much I try to take from Barbara, she still wants to do those tasks.

About a month ago, Barbara's husband was named as my new supervisor. Technically, my supervisor is another person, but the husband is directing my daily work. I only go to the third person for HR actions for my team. But questions like, "How does this reassignment of work?" will still go through the husband. I also learned the husband is writing my performance evaluation, and the third person will just "review it for bias."

I know Barbara thinks I'm lazy based on conversations I've overheard. I don't feel like the need to justify my work to my staff; I know what I'm working on. I also know Barbara disagrees with many of my leadership decisions (ex: how much to communicate to stakeholders and when). I just don't see how this is going to end well for me...

How badly do you think I need to get out? Should I prioritize any position that remotely matches my pay? Or wait it out for something I'm actually excited about?

Just edited to add: I've brought up the concern to HR. There is a vague policy about this since it's not a direct supervision of a spouse and was essentially told it's fine because of the third person who is supervising me.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any other relevant comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need to jump at the first job that matches your pay. But you do need to act now, because the structure itself is the problem, not you.

Your report's spouse directing your work and writing your evaluation is a conflict of interest. Most organizations have a policy on relatives in the same reporting line, and this is exactly what it's for. That's worth raising, calmly and without making it about Barbara or her husband personally.

What I'd do, in this order:

1. Read your org's policy on relatives or conflicts of interest so you know what it actually says.

2. Talk to your official supervisor, the third person. Keep it about process: "I want to make sure my evaluation and any decisions about Barbara's work are handled in a way that protects everyone, including her and her husband. Can you write my evaluation, or can we route decisions about my team through you?" If that goes nowhere, take the same question to HR.

3. Start keeping records now. Your past evaluations, what you've delivered, the workload you assigned to each report, and the steps you took on Barbara's concerns. Dates and facts, not feelings. If your evaluation comes back bad, you'll want this.

4. Keep managing Barbara exactly like your other report. Same assignments, same standards, written down. Don't give anyone a real example to point to.

5. Look for jobs quietly while this plays out. It costs nothing, and it means you won't be desperate if things get worse.

How the org responds to step 2 tells you a lot. If they fix the reporting line, you may be fine. If they shrug, that's your answer about whether to wait for a job you're excited about or take the next solid one.

Commenter 2: ethical companies don't let family members work in the downline of other family members. the wife needs to be moved to a different department. raise the issue to your actual manager and HR.

you are in a job threatening position as it stands. cover your bases.

Commenter 3: That's a rough spot. The eval being written by him with someone just "reviewing for bias" is basically no protection at all. I would start looking now, not panic apply to anything, but definitely prioritize getting out over waiting for perfect role. The dynamic with Barbara already having opinions about you and now her husband controlling your review, its just too stacked against you.

Commenter 4: Start looking now. You’ve raised concerns and they’ve ignored you. There is a serious conflict of interest here. Imagine they rehire your position either internally or externally, and say to the candidates “oh by the way, the husband of one of your direct reports will be doing your performance evaluation.” Everyone will bolt. Everyone will know exactly why the position is open.

You don’t need the perfect job—there really isn’t one. But in this market I would not hold out for something exciting. You do want a good fit. How is your network in your industry? Can you reach out to your peers at competitors or related businesses? You’ll be asked why you are moving, especially if it is a lateral role. Come up with something about wanting more experience with [whatever] and they are the best place. This is where your network also helps. It’s poor form to say anything bad about your current employer, but your contacts can convey the situation. Not as dire, but that you consider this a serious conflict of interest and it is not being addressed.

I can tell you from experience some companies need to learn this lesson the hard way.

 

Update: October 2, 2026 (one week later)

Update: My direct report is married to my new manager

Brief update to my post from last week. Folks were asking about my company. Very large public employer, so at the very least I'm basically unfireable.

Raised concerns to my on-paper boss, who is also our department HR representative. I even drafted a "avoiding conflict of interest document". The document was mostly accepted except the line: [new manager] will not consider [direct report]'s opinion of OP when writing evaluations." Apparently, we can't dictate to that level?!

I was concerned that this was removed because it's the only protection for me. Raised concern and said I would like to meet with central HR. Was essentially told that's not necessary and to work with my on-paper boss to sort it out.

So, needless to say, I'm applying elsewhere and hoping for the best. There haven't been any conflicts at work, but that doesn't mean there will never be conflicts. The fact that no one is worried about this situation is beyond alarming to me. I want protections in place before there's an issue, but it seems clear no one else wants that for me.

I have a private meeting with central HR next week to discuss concerns in the meantime. Im curious what their reaction to the entire situation will be. The fact that I'm having to draft my own conflict of interest documents is wild IMO, including documenting how I will be evaluated.

Any guidance on what I should do in the mean time is appreciated. I originally planned on having a coaching session with my direct report next week to work on some communication issues, but without the protections for me in place, I feel like it's a risky conversation to have.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Go over your direct boss's head anyway and let his boss or whoever is the director of HR know the how, when, and why of this hiring. Did your boss tell you she had been hired for your team? Did you interview her separately without any indication she was married to your boss? Did she and your boss get married after she was already your direct report?

> OOP: My new boss was named in September. The people who picked them knew about the relationship prior. They thought they would avoid conflict by giving me a different on-paper boss, but I've since been told the husband will still write my performance appraisal. Such a mess.

Commenter 2: Write it or contribute to it? (Like in a 360 review structure.) I find it odd that two people would simultaneously be responsible for writing your review, so I assume on paper boss would ultimately be responsible for writing it but it would include feedback from the person married to your report?

> OOP: How it was explained is that husband-boss will send on-paper boss written feedback. On-paper boss will "review for bias," and then copy and paste the comments into my eval. Because he oversees the majority of my work, he needs to be able to comment on my work.

Commenter 3: If you can’t be fired, what are you worried about? Your boss will probably go out of their way to evaluate your work fairly. But definitely don’t send that document, as it’ll be received as an accusation.

> Commenter 4: It is an accusation - of a glaring conflict of interest and inherent bias. > >> Commenter 3: How does it serve you to make such an accusation? I would think most managers would feel insulted. >> >>> Commenter 4: It is a request for decorum and unbiased work situation made by pointing out an inherent bias, not an active, biased campaign. Nobody is calling collusion. >>>
>>>> OOP: It's also required by policy since two related people are working in the same department. The weird/policy gray area is the reporting structure since they moved my on-paper boss.

Commenter 5: no amount of internal promises will stop a married couple from backing each other up when things get messy.

Commenter 6: A family member or spouse shouldn’t be in a reporting relationship in a large public company and yet it happens. Is there an ethics phone number or hotline for the organization?

Initial conversation should have been had with your mg… not about any specifics, but to understand the policy being followed with this situation that is not new for the couple.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/footinmouthugh

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

AITA for agreeing with my friend when she was criticizing her boyfriend's habits in front of my husband?

Trigger Warnings: >!misandry!<

Original Post: July 26, 2026

Hi, I've had a pit in my stomach since yesterday and I want to know if I messed up here, and if so how badly. My husband and I will have been married two years next Sunday, and our son turned a year old a couple of months ago. Our relationship has always been great, I've been proud of how good we've had it and so our argument yesterday has me bothered.

On Friday a couple of my friends visited just to meet up and have dinner. One of them has recently moved in with her boyfriend and they're going through a rough patch right now, so she was complaining a bit. She was complaining about being treated like a maid, and having to repeat things multiple times and then doing it herself for it to be done and just stuff like that. While saying that she also on a few occasions generalized a bit, kind of projecting her issues with her boyfriend on men in general. My other friend and I were being supportive because she seemed like she was going through it, and just agreed with her and supported her. My husband was there too.

He's never been the kind to take these gendered criticisms personally, which is why I really didn't think this would be an issue. On Saturday he was out with some friends, when I asked about when he'll be back for dinner, he didn't respond for a while then said he was eating out with his friends. When he was back too he was cold with me and just taking care of our son. This was all weird, so I ended up asking what the problem was. He first said nothing was wrong, I pressed that he's been cold with me all day, what happened. He told me that if I was so unhappy in my marriage I should've told him honestly instead of surprising him like that in front of guests.

I genuinely was scrambling in my mind to understand what he was saying. I never said I was unhappy in our marriage, it wouldn't make sense to I'm happy with where we are. He brought up that I agreed with everything my friend was saying about how terrible partners men are, that that was me saying he was a bad husband and that I was unhappy. I was stunned at that insane leap of logic I promised that what I said had nothing to do with him, that he is not my friend's boyfriend I didn't have any of those complaints that she had, I never meant it to be an attack on him. He still was stuck that my agreement with her was a criticism of our marriage too and that I had joined in at parts. I might have messed up here because I said that those things were not things he does, I was just being general and said that those were just some things I'd seen before him , like with an ex. He felt even more attacked by that and asked how often I was thinking about my exes over these mundane things. I clarified that’s not what I meant I don't think like that, I just had to search in my memory for some stuff to support my friend, especially because he doesn't. We dropped the argument then, but the cold shoulder is continuing today too. I can't believe this is happening a week before our anniversary AITA?

Verdict: Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Info: what exactly were the comments you agreed with?

> OOP: My other friend and I just agreed with her that guys have no respect for the work that goes behind making a house livable, that they don't get that having to ask to do basic stuff Is itself her having to take on the load herself amongst other complaints she had. None if this applies to my husband. My friend was unhappy what was I supposed to do say actually no its just you? None of it applied to him. > >> Commenter 2: I think you're actually hurting your friend by doing this. You're basically saying it's normal for men to be like this because they're all that way, and that's not true. If her boyfriend sucks say that, reference how your husband is different. Stop giving lazy men a pass and lumping in normal men with them. >> >>> OOP (downvoted): I didn’t think of that. I guess in the moment I just wanted to validate her, I don't know if she's at the point where I wanted to tell her to dump him, so I just thought of being a good friend and supporting her.

Commenter 3: Going with YTA.

These kinds of posts always have the “I’d totally be fine if the tables were flipped (would not in fact be fine)” vibe.

Be honest OP, if your husband had had friends over and they were generally bashing women while you were RIGHT THERE, would you be unhappy? My guess is yes.

Commenter 4: I find it hard to believe that if he and his friends were making generalized comments about women being gold diggers and constant complainers in front of you that you wouldn’t find it offensive. He of course would say “oh hey, I didn’t mean you”. You’re absolutely the asshole for thinking that your husband wouldn’t be impacted.

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Update: October 1, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

I received a bunch of advice along with the verdict on my last post. I sincerely apologized to my husband and said that not only was I unfair to him, but I also did my friend a disservice by implying that this is just normal for men. He accepted my apology and we had an amazing second anniversary.

Since then I have been concertedly complimenting all he does for us when we're amongst friends or family and I feel like it has made our relationship better and stronger. My friends and I hung out last weekend too, my husband wasn't there. She really seems like she's on the brink now with her boyfriend, and was venting, and it did veer into a generalization like last time. I told her that there are good men who are truly partners in a relationship, and gave some examples of stuff my husband does. And that that's what she should have no reason to not expect from her partner. I hope that helped more than just agreeing with her, like a lot of the advice suggested. Thanks, and I'm glad I posted.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Did your husband by chance apologize for giving you the silent treatment instead of having a conversation with you like an adult?

> OOP: Honestly, at that point our anniversary was coming up and we had plans, and I really just wanted to put this behind us

Commenter 2: Being able to take constructive criticism is a sign of extreme maturity! Good on ya!

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Temporary_Lie_3460

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Updates]: aita: for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died?

Thanks to u/queenlegolas, u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!accident, death of a loved one, abuse, stalking, miscarriage, assault!<

Mood Spoilers: >!very devastating!<

RECAP

Original Post: October 29, 2024

I just really need some clarity on this situation, I 23f lost my husband 25m weeks ago to a car accident, he was the love of my life, and I’m still not used to waking up without him every day. we have big plans for our future, and it all came crashing down in a heartbeat. we met on his uncle’s farm, he was a farm hand, and it was love at first site for me. I’m also 4 months pregnant but I haven’t told anyone, I was planning on telling my friend when I was feeling better.

My best friend Leigh 24F has been my shoulder to cry on during this time, she helped me with his funeral and anything else I needed as I’m NC with my bio family story for another time, she is currently dating Barry 24M they usually hang out in a trio with Liam 24M, when I first met Liam he hit on me hard tried everything as in would try and compare himself with my husband say weird things like our kids would be cuter than if you had kids with My husband. He's also made weird comments like I need a city boy and would motion himself, when I’m a country girl through and through, I typically would shut him down or ignore him, but I would always get dirty looks from Barry.

skip to Sunday night, I got a messaged from Leigh begging me to come to dinner with her because she wanted to treat me as I had Been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, feeling not so shit about myself I decided to go. When I arrived she wasn't there so I texted her asking how long she would be and she told me 5 mins she's just running late and is around the corner so I to sat down and ordered a drink now 5 mins comes and she's still not there so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited another five when I’m about call her Liam comes rushing over and gives his apologies for being late I asked him what's he doing here because I’m waiting for Leigh and it was a two chair table, he smiles at me and grabs my hand I ripped it off of him and he just says oh I asked Leigh to set us up now that Husbands name isn't a problem we can finally get to know each other he looked so cringey and I’m telling you I was floored I stood up and told him that I wasn't interested and I certainly don't give a flying fuck about getting to know him, and that I just lost my husband

without a word of a lie this man stands up and said I know your being overly emotion right now so ill forgive you for that sit down with me, I’m not saying we have to have sex straight away or anything, I was disgusted I shoved past him and went home as fast as I could when I did get home Leigh messaged me soo how was dinner with a smirk emoji I called her and when she answered I didn’t let her get a word in I yelled at her asked her how she has the audacity to do something like this weeks after I just lost my husband when shoes been the one to hold me together this whole time I asked her what fucking game was she playing and that the only reason I wanted to meet tonight with HER was to tell her I’m pregnant I just hung up on her and texted her I need time and don't want to be contacted by her for the time being.

Last night Barry came to my house and asked to talk, I said no and that if he didn’t leave id call the police, he told me that I broke Leighs heart and that I deeply hurt Liam when now is an even better time to get to know Liam because he could raise my Child With me I opened my door which Barry took as I wanted to talk instead I hit him with my shoes and chased him to his car screaming, I’m actually embarrassed I did that.

All day today I’m being flooded with messages from friends and the trio themselves shaming me for pushing the people who care about me the most away and that they don't even recognise the person I’ve become the only thing that hurts me most is that my husband would know what to do he would tell me how to fix it and now I have no one who I can talk to I’m just so numb inside, I have A therapy appointment tomorrow but I’m thinking of calling my husband’s mum even though we've barley spoken since the funeral any advice is appreciated, please exude any typos I’m just so exhausted

{Edit : I made a new account for this post as some friends have my main and I’d rather have some time to grasp this whole thing before I answer anyone personally. thank you}

I have a small update on another post

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Very weird and inappropriate people you have as so called friends. Go NC with them. Just ew. Call your mother in law. She'll be thrilled about the baby. That's your support system. And join a grief therapy group if there is one local to you. It's okay to be numb. It's normal to be numb when life cracks you upside the head this hard.

> OOP: thank you, I just feel so wrecked at the minute and I have joined a grief group in the city I'm trying to grip enough courage to actually go.

OOP on the friends thinking she needs to get over her husband’s death

> OOP: they think I should go out with Liam to get over my husband, I personally am in no way to be jumping into a relationship let alone having a " new family", thank you for your advice

Commenter 2: These 3 are absolute shit humans. Did they absolutely hate your late husband or something? Lose the 3 of them. I can't even comprehend the audacity that would make them think any of their behaviors was appropriate.

> OOP: Leigh used to have a crush on my husband she knew him because her brother used to play football with my husband, other than that Barry and Liam hated him because they think people from the country are stuck up rednecks, thank you for your comment

Commenter 3: Are you uber rich or very very attractive? Because I can't understand why these people are pushing so hard to see you with a man again

> OOP: Leigh is the kind of woman who can't be single, I hope that explains her point of view

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Update #1: October 30, 2024 (next day)

hello all and thank you, I just wanted to start off with I called my Mil Louise, after making the post I thought that I needed to tell her about baby because just like some of you said, she is overjoyed about the news.

she didn't answer my call but instead drove straight over to my house, I honestly didn’t know what to say to her but we just hugged and cried all night, I didn’t have the best delivery about how I am pregnant probably due to all the crying but she just light up and was so happy it’s the first time I’ve seen her be this happy in all the time I’ve known her so at least I have some support, my Fil came over when he finished work after Mil told him he needed to come to my house and he was too overjoyed about becoming a pop.

Louise offered to have the baby and I move in and I agreed, she said that I can sleep in my husband’s old room which was a little bittersweet, when I told her what was going on with Leigh, Liam and Barry she was furious and told me not to worry about it because they { Mil & Fil ] have my back after a lot of even more crying Fil told me that my husband would be so happy to have this baby grow up on a farm like my husband did overall our conversations last night was a something I needed.

now I’m just going to answer some comments:

1 no this isn't fake and if you choose top believe that then that's fine but don't be dragging my husband when you don't even know him. Liam dint kill my husband, it was a car accident and my husband died on impact nothing crazy went on its just awful but is as simple as that

2 Leigh was my friend for a long time she was genuinely there for me when I went NC with my parents and I thought she was a decent friend, now knowing the truth there is many things I can think of that she did that are red flags, personally I think I ignored them because I have never been close to anyone like that other than my husband.

3: Liam is a loser, And from my chat with Barry I learnt that he's always had feelings for me and he's never given up because apparently he's my type? he isn't and never will be.

4: yes I ordered a drink I didn't think I needed to disclose that I ordered a lemonade? it was simply a soda nothing wild I know I’m pregnant and I’d never do anything silly.

5: I'm not magically pregnant, my husband and I both wanted children young and were trying for about a year, we just didn't disclose that we were trying because my husband and I think it’s weird telling people oh were having sex an extra amount, I don't know but my husband and I are very private people and kept a lot of it that way.

and as for the trio I've blocked them, none of my family are reaching out because they simply don't know me anymore, the only friends who are reaching out are mutuals of either Leigh, Barry and one of Liams other friends, I was confused on if I was an asshole because I just left Liam standing there and yelled at Leigh I was so upset I was confused on the entire thing

but thank you all and I will update on what happens because I know Liam will not give up until he's in jail I seriously hope is doesn't come to that but the fact he drove past my house twice is uneasy so I’m hopeful the move to husbands parents farm will have my baby and myself on a better path.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Wish you and your baby all the best..

Commenter 2: Report him for stalking and obtain a restraining order.

Accept your in laws help and support for now but be careful about it as you move forward. You are young to say "never" about another partner. Keep an eye and allow them to be grandparents. Not surrogate "parents". Be cautious about your boundaries longer term. But for now, embrace their love and support.

And dump your "friends".

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#----NEW UPDATES----

editor's the next two updates are over 20 months old, and it has not been posted here onto the sub

OOP updated onto the same update post

Update #2: November 6, 2024 (one week later)

Firstly some good news, I found out that I’m having a little girl, I am actually feeling a little bit better today and thought I’d update.

I moved in my in laws the next morning after they had come over, we went to the police and unfortunately there is nothing they can do unless he trespasses, comes into physical contact with me pretty much until he gets worse but I did take the initiative and move so they think he will be less of a threat now that I don’t live in that house but they did take my screenshots of his weird creepy messages and noted that he has been driving past relentlessly.

After a few days we came into town to go grocery shopping and we saw leigh, she went to come over but my MIL like stared at her and yelled NO, Leigh looked a bit awkward because my Mil was yelling yes I’m talking to you Leigh go bother someone else with your bullshit. Leigh did end up walking away which we thought was good I was greatly overwhelmed obviously about seeing her and my anxiety has gotten worse since the “ blind date” I think I was also anxious because Leigh is never without Barry, so I was very worried

When we had finished shopping and was walking back to our car Leigh and Barry was waiting for us but again my Mil started screaming, she was yelling he was scum and they are trying to sell drugs to a pregnant woman pretty much anything you embarrass them and to draw a crowd Leigh and Barry did leave again not without looking scared (points to Mil)

since that I moved in to the farm, and it been drama free I had an appointment yesterday and found out about my baby girl but also that I have high blood pressure most liking due to the stress but we’re going to have to watch it just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it.

My husband has always wanted a girl, so I know she is a gift from him, but apart from the grocery store incident and the police, it’s been very positive for me being with my In laws, and there dog Spud ( don’t ask I don’t know why that’s his name)

Thank you again.

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Trigger Warnings: >!miscarriage!<

Update #3: December 22, 2024 (1.5 months later from the last update)

thank you to everyone who helped me with my issues about Leigh and the others. It’s over I was attacked and suffered greatly.

I lost my baby a month ago and I will be logging off for a while.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you for the kindness, enjoy your holidays

- J

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Trigger Warnings: >!assault!<

Update #4: October 1, 2026 (over 21 months later since the last update

editor's note: removed the bottom part of the latest update as they are links to the previous posts

Update: AITA for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

Hi everyone, if you remember me It’s been a while and I’ll try to make this as short as possible

two years ago I was going through what I felt was the worse year of my life. and I’m finally at a point in my life where I can speak about it without any repercussions on my mental health.

So let’s start with the trio, immediately after my mother-in-law yelled at them, Leigh and Barry continued to try and reach me online, in person (if I was in town) and through whatever mutual friends we had left. it got to a point where they started sending massive amounts of baby items to my old home with letters and letters I think the most they sent in a week was like sixty-eight it was crazy, I didn’t have to deal with the stress of it as my In-laws dealt with it for me bless their souls.

However Leigh did try to corner me at one point in person crying and apologetic about what happened with Liam (as if she wasn’t the puppet master) and that she wanted us to go back to before all of the mess, I pushed passed her staring through her and that seemed to make her even more upset and incoherent, but I walked away and left her there.

one night my in-laws and I decided to go to the pub for good old pub feed, now I’m still not sure if they stalked me or someone told them I was there but Liam, Barry and Leigh all came into the pub and tried to sit at the table over from us, my in-laws and I immediately got up and started walking to out and back to Louise’s car, my father in law was right behind me the trio followed us out and was yelling I was told to ignore them and keep walking, as we did I hear my farther in law yelling and then this thud as I turn around Liam was trying to fight my father in law, Liam was on top of him punching and Barry and Leigh was just standing there.

Louise was beside her self-running back to help my father In law and I couldn’t just stand there and watch so I made a stupid decision and got involved I kicked Liam as hard as I could in his face and he fell back, I tried to grab my phone to call the police but Barry ran over to me and started beating the hell out of me I mean sometimes I can still feel him hurting me he knocked me clean out, fortunately some pub locals stepped in and stopped Liam and Barry and restrained them until the police arrived all three of them were arrested right there. Liam and Barry are currently serving time for what they did to my in laws and myself Leigh was also charged but was given probation and a massive restraining order. And I’ve made my peace with that.

In the hospital I was told that I was already in the process of a miscarriage before the assault and well getting my ass beat by grown man didn’t help. I was devastated my daughter didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that. My farther in law only had a couple of cuts and bruises but he was ok as was Louise, they took me back home and nursed me back to health properly. I was an absolute wreck, and I didn’t deserve the kindness and love my in laws gave me,

I told them to be mad at me, that the miscarriage was my fault and that I failed their son, they helped me get help and to stop blaming myself for situations I had no control over, they helped me with my statements to the police, selling my old house and with everything else. I could never make it up to them for what they have done for me and the memory of my daughter.

I moved into one of units on the property where I still live today, I work the farm and look after my in-laws and not to mention the sweet 10 year old spud who for his age will still keep you on your toes for an old dog, I miss my husband every day of my life and I know he’s looking after our daughter until I can see them again, I will never ever get over losing them both but I am learning on how to live with it, I made new friends and I’m truly starting to live my life again, I will look after my in-laws until they don’t want me too, they are my family and I love them dearly. It took some real hard work to get where I am, I even overcame my agoraphobia believe me I am still a working progress I take every day a step at a time. Pretty much everyone in our small town knows what happened and Leigh’s parents are now on the outs for supporting her but other than that I’m glad they aren’t my problem anymore and I’m living my life without anything but peace.

Sorry for any typos I’m on my phone sorry! Also thank you to everyone who reached out to me I genuinely appreciated, I won’t be posting anymore after this, so this is goodbye.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/doublecrossedwife25

Originally posted to r/offmychest

My husband is having an affair. I don't need any advice, I'm just having a pity party. Merry Christmas to me

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Original Post: December 24, 2025

My [38F] husband [37M] is having an affair. He has no idea that I know yet. I was naïve and kept hoping I was wrong or jumping to conclusions but I'm not.

11 years of marriage and this is what he does? I thought I would need more information about the affair in order to get a divorce but every solicitor I spoke with said divorce is no fault and his affair won't have any relevance to it.

So I don't need to provide proof for the court and more importantly I don't need to confront my husband to get more information. I don't need or want to get any details about the affair. I'm not coming back after visiting my family for Christmas.

The solicitor I hired said it was fine for me to move out so I'm leaving today, I'll be going without my husband. I'm starting divorce proceedings next week. I can't believe that he did this. I'm heartbroken. Merry Christmas to me I guess.

Editing to add: Thank you to anyone who sent me Reddit cares messages, but I am fine. It hurts but I am not struggling with those kind of thoughts

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter:

> I thought I would need more information about the affair in order to get a divorce but every solicitor I spoke with said divorce is no fault and his affair won't have any relevance to it

I'm always amazed at how many people think cheating is somehow illegal.

> OOP: I never thought it was illegal and I didn't say that anywhere in my post. > > I believed I would need some kind of evidence or proof of misconduct in order to get a divorce. I wasn't aware the law had changed to make divorce strictly no fault.

Commenter 1: Just in case save some evidence. Legal (just in case!) and for friends and family when he inevitably lies about it later

> OOP: Every solicitor I spoke to was extremely clear that the affair would have no relevance, and that the court will ignore any evidence about it during the divorce proceedings. Legally it has no bearing, since divorce is purely no fault. > > I don't care if he lies about it. Anyone who is important to me will believe me. I don't care about what anyone else thinks. > > There is no need for me to collect any evidence of the affair. I don't need or want to know any details. Knowing that he was unfaithful is enough.

Commenter 2: I can't even imagine but honestly you deserve so much better. I hope you find some peace this holiday but if you need someone to talk to I'm happy to listen.

Commenter 3: Unfortunately, it happens. I don't want to invade your comfort zone in any way, but I am hoping/wondering that you've already removed any personal property of yours, and that you've made sure there's absolutely, positively, no items remaining that you are not willing to lose. Trust me, people pull that "possession is 9/10ths of the law" card when you least expect it!

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Update: September 23, 2026 (nine months later)

Update for my husband is having an affair. I don't need any advice, I'm just having a pity party. Merry Christmas to me

I'm afraid it's not very exciting; I [39F] am divorced. He [38M] is now my ex-husband. The final order was issued two days ago.

I haven't spoken to my ex-husband since just after Christmas last year, when I informed him that I wouldn't be coming back home and would be seeking a divorce. I have only seen him one time since I left, it was at a hearing, however we didn't speak to each other.

When I informed him I was leaving I told him I would only communicate through our solicitors. He wanted a chance to explain himself but I don't care about whatever it is he wanted to say. I know he was unfaithful. Besides that I don't need details or to know anything else. Knowing was enough. His solicitor kept telling my solicitor that my ex-husband wanted to explain and talk to me about it but I refused. There was no reason for me to hear anything he had to say. He was unfaithful. I have the love and support of the people I care about. Whatever my ex-husband wants to "explain" or even tell other people about us has nothing to do with me.

We had been married for 11 years when I found out what he had done. I still can't believe he did this to me. It was the worst betrayal I have ever faced in my life. He broke my heart and I am still recovering because I still feel like crying a lot of the time. When I informed him that I knew he had been unfaithful he just said yes it was like my stomach dropped out from under me. Knowing it was one thing but hearing it be confirmed was another. I don't know why he thought that telling me the details or explaining things would help anything. This has been the worst time of my life honestly.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/sweetandsourcum

Originally posted to r/amitheasshole

WIBTA for suing my friend when she didn’t come to my wedding?

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity!<

Original Post: February 12, 2026

I (25F) recently got married to my (25M) husband in Bali, Indonesia in January.

It was a destination wedding, but my parents and his parents paid for their own plane tickets and hotel, but we paid for our friends plane tickets and hotel stays. Each plane ticket was about $2000 USD, and hotel was maybe about $150-300 for a week.

My friend “Gemma” brought along her newlywed husband “John” along but paid for his plane ticket. The problem is that Gemma and John did not show up to my wedding.

Gemma took the free plane ticket to Bali and the hotel room and when I asked her why she didn’t show up she said that since they couldn’t afford their own honeymoon that this was a perfect opportunity and that John decided that he didn’t feel like going. I was really hurt by this since Gemma, and I have been friends for over 10 years.

WIBTA if I took her to small claims court for the money I spent on the plane ticket and hotel?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Can’t believe I’m saying this, but, NTA.

Someone offers to give you a free vacation on the condition that you attend one party during that time? I’d be jumping for that opportunity.

To take that free vacation and then no-call-no-show to your friends’ wedding is really shitty behaviour on their part. They could have extended their stay if they wanted to treat the trip as their own honeymoon.

> OOP: LITERALLY. She wasn’t even in the wedding party! All she had to do was show up, dance, and eat cake and food. Funny thing enough is that they DID go on a honeymoon, it just wasn’t abroad.

Commenter 2: I think you are NTA for being hurt and angry. Gemma used you, which is a shitty thing to do. I don't think you'd be out of line for ending the friendship over this.

HOWEVER . . . while I definitely think you'd be in the right to try to get the money back, unfortunately, I'm not sure that this would hold up in court. Verbal contracts are hard to legally prove. Gemma's lawyer could argue that Gemma was under the impression that the plane ticket was a gift. Even if your lawyer argues that the plane ticket was conditional on her attending your wedding, your lawyer would have to be able to prove that Gemma understood that the ticket was conditional. Unless you have texts or emails to back that up, it will be hard. Additionally, there are legal fees as well, so in the end, you'll have to determine whether the gamble that the judge might not side with you is worth the time and money spent on pursuing this in small claims court.

Again, I think you're NTA, and I'd recommend ejecting Gemma from your friendship circle. But just know going in that this probably isn't a sure bet unless you have the conditional aspect in writing.

> OOP: I told her for Christmas that I was paying for her to come, and it was on video 😏 I thought it was going to be a way to capture a nice memory, but I didn’t realize how much that’s going to help me in my court case

Commenter 3: I am sorry to say that she is not a friend. It may be an expensive lesson, not sure if small claim court will help, and congrats on the wedding.

> OOP: Thank you! I’m better off without her

Commenter 4: INFO

Did you in any way shape or form send a text (any form of writing) or invitation to the wedding stating that you would cover the travel and hotel for them in regards to their attendance at the wedding. If you did it will help you because that solidifies the fact that the airfare and hotel was covered conditionally. The condition being attending your wedding. Personally I would send Gemma a message adding the invoice for everything (airfare and hotel) and let her know:

Hi Gemma! I’m writing regarding the airfare and hotel accommodations that I paid for in connection with the wedding. Those expenses were covered for the purpose of your attendance at the wedding. As you chose not to attend, I am requesting reimbursement for the total cost of (the cost).

I will forward the invoice and supporting documentation shortly. Please remit payment within 14 days of this message. Thank you.

If she doesn’t agree take her to court if you want but that friendship is done. Either way the way she responds to it might give you better chances as winning in court should you want to go that route. However you need to either talk to a lawyer or look into you the laws in your area. If you can prove the offer (we’ll foot the bill for travel and hotel), acceptance (yes we’ll attend you wedding) and consideration (attendance in exchange for the trip), breach (they did not attend) and damages (2k) that would strengthen your case. These are the five basic criteria that needs to be in place to create an enforceable agreement.

If you have texts of this great and even better if you have texts confirming that they skipped the wedding to use it as a honeymoon instead as the honeymoon comment shows intent and makes it harder for them to claim emergency, illness or a misunderstanding. Document everything. But then again all this depends on where you are and the laws there.

Best of luck and congratulations on your marriage!

> OOP: I made a video of me surprising her that I paid for her plane fair and a printed photo of the hotel room at Christmas. She didn’t know I was going to pay, and she did express that she might now be able to attend because she and her husband do not work at the moment. I told her I really wanted her to be there and the her saying that John didn’t want to go to the wedding was all on text message too

Downvoted Commenter: ESH. You don’t have legal grounds to sue. Think of it as you having spent $2,000 to find out that she isn’t really your friend.

> OOP: How so? She skipped out on my wedding? I didn’t pay for her honeymoon I paid for her to attend my wedding? She wasn’t even in the wedding party, so she only had to show up for one day. She had 6 other days to have fun with him smh

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Editor's note: adding a related post from a different subreddit to the original post

Can I win in small claims court if I sue a friend who didn't come to my destination wedding?: February 14, 2026 (two days later)

Location: California

I did post this on another subreddit, but I want to know if I have any chance of winning in small claims court.

I recently got married in Bali, Indonesia in January.

I recently graduated CRNA school and signed on to a new position, so I had enough money to be able to have the destination wedding of my dreams. Plus it was pretty much the same cost as a big domestic wedding. My partner's parents and my parents paid for their own flights and accommodations because they wanted to, but we paid for our friends' flights and hotels.

The problem is that I paid $2300 for my friend, Gemma, to fly there and her accommodations. She brought her newlywed husband along but paid for his plane ticket. On the day of the ceremony, she no call no showed. When I asked her why she didn't come she said it was because John didn't feel like going and later stated that my wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being their honeymoon since they didn't have one. I know proving that she was aware that the trip was a conditional gift is needed so I got her to implicate herself on text by acknowledging that the trip was for MY wedding and not a honeymoon gift for her. I also invoiced her the cost of everything and told her she had 30 days to pay me back before I take legal action. Plus when I told her I was paying for her flight and hotel, I surprised her on video at Christmas.

Do I have a chance at winning in small claims court? Are there any other steps I need to do?

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Update #1: Sometime after February 14, 2026

Editor's note: OOP later made two small updates onto the original post with no posting dates given. Likely after the legal advice post

UPDATE: I messaged Gemma per multiple comments advising me to invoice her for the plane ticket and hotel room, but I did something a little better. I wanted to get proof so if I had to go to court it would be easier to win. I messaged her this:

“Hey sorry for being so distant but I just wanted to talk to you about Bali. I’m hurt that you didn’t show up to the ceremony. I pulled a lot of strings to ensure that you could come and then you didn’t show up. Did you think I paid for the trip just so you could honeymoon with John?”

She replied, “I've missed you a lot and I know I the trip was for ur wedding, but John didn’t want to go bc he felt like your wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being our honeymoon and that you’d understand.”

I replied, “no I don’t understand. You took advantage of me and that’s not what real friends do. So I’m sending invoicing you $2387.53 for the cost of the plane ticket and hotel room. I will give you 30 days and after that I will be taking legal action.”

I received no response, but she’s been posting subliminal quotes on Instagram that are along the lines of entitled friends and having snakes in your life.

Thank you all for your verdicts and help.

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Update #2: Sometime after February 14, 2026

Edit/Update part 2: I didn’t think this could get worse, but here we are.

I didn’t respond to any of the subliminal messages she posted about me on social media and I’ve been very quiet while I’ve been getting my ducks in a row for the litigation.

But, this past Friday she sent me a 3 page audit of financial and emotional contributions from 2015-present.

I wish I was fucking joking.

The audits:

- She itemized every dinner or lunch we’ve ever ate together (she estimated $18 per meal).

- Gas money for driving to and from hangouts

- A birthday gift from 2017 that she now claims she went into debt for, time spent emotionally supporting me after my dad passed. She said she took on the role a grief counselor for me even though I talked to her on the phone about it once for 30 minutes.

- One time she helped me move apartments. She wants to be paid for her labor

- And emotional distress caused by me threatening litigation

Her grand total? $2,412.09 which is conveniently within $25 of what I invoiced her. She then told me that if we’re really keeping score that I actually owe her $24.56.

I think I stared at the document for 10 minutes in silence in shock from the audacity because this bitch is delusional.

To clarify: I never asked her to cook for me. While I was in college, she did pay for lunches BUT when I definitely returned the favor big time once I graduated. I bought her many gifts over the years, I’ve let her stay at my house several times when she and John argued, and I have also lend a shoulder for her to cry on when she had difficult times in life, but apparently being a friend is now billable? I decided to give the message a thumbs down because if I respond I will be extremely disrespectful with the anger I am facing. I cannot wait for these 30 days to be over because I will be suing the fuck out of her.

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Editor's note: OOP made the final update onto the original post

Final Update: April 28, 2026 (same original post, 2.5 months later from Update #2)

Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I've been trying to get my ducks in a row before I proceeded with everything.

While doing that, I was going through photos from Bali and ended up on the Instagram page of a local photographer who took pictures of me and my husband during a sailing excursion we went on. I was scrolling through their page and looking at random groups when I saw a very familiar face. It was Gemma and a man. And it wasn't John. It was a man I had never seen before.

There were multiple photos. One where they were just sitting down with drinks, one with Gemma and the guy wrapping his arm around her, and one of them kissing.

That's when everything clicked. My wedding was the day after everyone landed, which is why I never saw her at all, not at the hotel, not around town, nothing. I just assumed that she was trying to lie low around town to avoid a confrontation with me. She didn't skip my wedding because John didn't feel like going or that my wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being their honeymoon. She skipped it because she wasn't there with John, but with another man.

After seeing this photo of her and her affair partner, I decided to do my own detective work. I went to her Instagram page and tried to see if I could find the guys Instagram page in her following list or follower list. Nada. I tried to see if any guy that remotely looked like him was in her likes or comments. Nope. I felt defeated until I remembered about Gemma's small pottery Instagram account and boom I found him. Let's say his name is Ryan. Ryan had several photos that were taken in Bali on his page. He even had a photo of himself in the hotel room that I paid for. I was beyond pissed and just wanted to get my money back and just be done with Gemma altogether.

On the day of our court date, I told my side, showed the judge the text messages, and explained that I paid for her trip so she could attend my wedding and she didn't show up. Gemma claimed that the trip was a gift for her new marriage and not contingent on attending.

I didn't even have to bring up the fact that she didn't bring John because the judge didn't buy Gemma's story. I was awarded the full amount back. Gemma walked out of the courtroom without even looking at me. I know she was pissed. And as expected.... she went straight to Instagram and this time, she didn't hold back at all.

She started posting about me on her story, calling me a bitch, saying that's why I've can't have kids, posting photos of me calling me fat, saying that she'll go spit on the grave of my dead grandmother. Just diabolical mean girl stuff. The last time she brought our drama to social media, I ignored it. But not this time. I know what I did next was stooping to her level, but I didn't care.

I posted the photo of her kissing Ryan on my story and tagged her AND John in it. I captioned it, "Sorry we missed you in Bali. Hope you had fun!"

Within minutes, she began spamming my phone. She was calling, texting, leaving voicemails, screaming at me. And before I blocked her on everything, I messaged her one last time. I said, "You should've just come to the wedding."

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Damn.... Your story was covered on Smosh Reads Reddit today. Did a search cause the last update was not included due to when the recorded it was not posted.

But that was like a curve ball thrown with the same ball as it was mid curve ball pitched. Ironically she was public about your trip issues, and no one seemed to seek out why she was supposedly on a trip to your wedding, but no shows without her husband...

Why did the husband not ask why she was having issues with you on the money for the trip, and not find out it was due to her not showing up despite to him she went on the trip alone?

It would also be odd he not have issues on not being invited in the first place as you and the wife was supposedly close friends? What kind of lies was she saying to him through this?

Those are mostly not actual questions to you, but more an open ended remark in question form. But have you found out anything about that subject since? Any drama you had to deal with since?

> OOP: I was wondering why there was an influx of new comments today! > > To answer your questions: When Gemma initially took our drama to social media, she didn’t state why we were fighting. And I’m not sure what she told John but knowing her she probably told him a lie. > > As far as what I’ve heard since all this happened. Through a mutual friend, I found out that John has filed for divorce and Gemma and her son has moved back in with her mom after Ryan refused to take her in.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/shenanigansarefun

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & AmITheAngel

AITA my sister keeps having miscarriages and I’ve run out of sympathy + 7-year update

Thanks to u/kimisahomosexual for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!cancer, death of a loved one, mentions CSA, manipulation, verbal abuse!<

Original Post: October 7, 2019

I’m 28. I had one miscarriage with an accidental pregnancy with my ex 6 years ago. It turned out to be a blessing because my ex was verbally abusive and psychological. I was pretty emotional about my miscarriage at the time, so I understand how heartbreaking it is.

We’re going to call my older sister Julia. She is 8 years older than me and has a twin Peggy. Peggy has two kids. They are miracles. Peggy had her first child and then 4 miscarriages after before having her son. Julia was quite rude to us, not really caring about our miscarriages and making comments like get over it. All that changed until she lost her first pregnancy. She never apologized for how she treated ya but wanted all the attention and sympathy for her own miscarriage. Julia has one son who is almost two. She has subsequently suffered 4 more first trimester miscarriages since then. She gets pregnant almost immediately but can’t sustain them. She’s seeing a fertility specialist who has done genetic testing. I feel bad for her. Everyone has suggested to her to take some time off trying to conceive and let her body heal. She’s had two miscarriages since June. We recognize her losses and reach out and ask what we can do to help her. Even if it’s just watching her son

I don’t want children anymore. I had the start of cervical cancer so I may not be able to have any anyway. For some women this is a huge loss, for me I feel okay in the fact I may not have kids. They aren’t a huge want for me. My sister has known this before she even got pregnant. I like having the freedom to sleep in on days off etc. freedoms having a child would take away.

Julia came to visit yesterday. Julia has a very strained relationship with everyone. She’s very rude, condescending, pushes peoples buttons and just acts ultimately that she’s above everyone. She will come to your home and rearrange crap because she doesn’t like it where it is, or tell you your shortcomings. She’s not above making weight comments or physical attribute comments. I see her as little as possible because I can’t handle her bad behavior.

Yesterday she said something that really pushed my buttons. I lost my dog and cat in a month period due to old age and medical conditions. They were my babies. She said you can just get a new one. I told her to leave. I wanted to say you can just get a new baby, so she knows how her comment made me feel. I’m sick of hearing about her fertility woes and told her so. Our one sister is no contact with her. She has no problems being mean to us without thinking twice, but when someone doesn’t give her all the sympathy in the world it’s an issue.

AITA for essentially telling her I don’t give a crap about her fertility issues after she made a rude comment to me

Verdict: Everyone Sucks

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: ESH. Your sister sounds like a rude person but a person who has had to deal with a ton of trauma. You also sound like a rude person who can’t muster compassion because they feel insulted. You all suck.

> OOP: We’ve all had trauma. Her twin had miscarriage. > > Our other sister had cancer at 16. I had cancer and a miscarriage and other let issues I don’t want to delve into right now. > > Trauma isn’t an excuse for anyone to be rude or an asshole. I’ve had compassion Before for her but it’s hard for all of us too because of the comments she’s made about our own miscarriages and the way she regularly treats everyone. > > Guess we all suck

Commenter 2: Yeah that’s all terrible and I feel for ALL of you. Including her. You should all try to be nicer to each other.

> OOP: It just hard when she’s made so many mean unprovoked comments. Told a 15 year old she needs to wash her face more. Or her sisters that they are getting fat. Or it’s her sisters fault her husband cheated on her. It’s a collective years’ worth of anger everyone has towards her. > >> Commenter 3: Go no contact. If you don’t have anything nice to say to each other, don’t say anything at all. The only reason you’re in each other’s lives is the fact that you have the same parents. Take that away and would you still hang out with each other? >> >>> OOP: I want to have a relationship with her son my nephew. Only reason I still speak to her

OOP on her sister brushing off everyone's lives and issues

> OOP: I’m sick of her brushing off everyone else’s lives and issues saying they aren’t as bad as her miscarriages. I’m sick of her nasty behavior as a whole. I loose sympathy for her traumas because of her past and present actions. Her fertility issues suck and are tragic but I’m tired of her using them at every issue as an excuse to be mean or her comments are excused because she deals with a lot

OOP on her sister's responses on everyone else who had miscarriages

> OOP: it's hard for me to feel sympathetic when she was so cruel about everyone else’s miscarriages. She told us to get over it and when it happened to her she felt the pain. > > She won’t give her body a break to heal between trying to conceive. Nothing else matters besides her miscarriages. For instance we have a sister group chat with the five of us. Someone can say they are having a bad day, and she will ignore you and speak about her issues constantly

OOP and her family's relationships with Julia

> OOP: I don’t like her. My mother doesn’t like her own child. There are five of us girls and we don’t have a good relationship with Julia. We do all suck in ways I agree. But if six people have an issue with Julia and how she treats us are we all the asshole? Or does it point to issues with Julia’s personality and behavior

OOP's family history with miscarriages

> OOP: I had a miscarriage already. They are common in my family. I had to have a d and c and was as risk for bleeding uncontrollably because my body did not recognize the miscarriage. I have scar tissue on my cervix from the biopsies and leeps. Never said I was not fertile still. Doctor told me I have a higher risk of preterm labor. It would be irresponsible for me to get pregnant but not impossible. (editor’s note: leep = loop electrosurgical excision procedure, a professional term of using an electrified wire tool to scrape away precancerous or cancerous cells from the cervix. Usually done outpatient.)

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> Julia and Peggy are twins. Julia is mean to myself, her twin, and our other two sisters. Peggy and I have both experienced miscarriages. Peggy has multiple Along with Julia. Julia was cruel to myself and Peggy when we had miscarriages saying get over it. She changed her tune when she herself has had multiple now. She never apologized for treating us like crap . She gets mad when we don’t acknowledge all her fertility treatments and don’t know what to say about her losses other then we are sorry.

Had Julia been diagnosed with a condition that could result into having miscarriages?

> OOP: As a teen the doctor said she has Von Willebrand disease. Several doctors checked her with clotting tests and got mixed results so I’m not sure it’s a true diagnosis. They put her in the hospital for dental procedures and watch her carefully for any medical procedure with risk of bleeding. I’m not sure if Leiden factor and vwd are similar

OOP shares more about how she deals with grief

> OOP: For some people it is more important or tragic to them then a human dying. I can’t judge someone for feeling that way. It’s s loss of unconditional love and constant companion ship for some. I’ve talked to coworkers, friends, family and some have said similar things that they felt worse when their beloved pet died then a family member. > > Grief is weird, grief presents differently and affects people uniquely. I’m not here to argue about what level of pain is acceptable for human to pet loss. All I know is it sucks. > > My dad sexually abused me and physically and mentally hurt my sisters so I probably wouldn’t give a shit if he died. > > And I’ve been fortunate enough to not really loose anyone close to me to death. My grandparents all passed when I was a young child. > > I work in a nursing home seeing death every day. I am more desensitized to human death. I see it all the time. I am there and comfort families and residents who have lost their spouse. I check on them regularly after my shift. But for me, no, I do not feel extreme grief when people pass away

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> Because I’ve had distant friends died. My mom’s dad died when I was 1. Her mother died when I was older. We were not close. My dad’s dad died when I was 15. I just did not shed a lot of tears of grief. > > Most of the residents I deal with I am friendly with. I talk to them and make them as happy and comfortable in their final days. A lot of them are very ill or terminal and got their families it is a relief when they pass away. It sucks and I cry but I don’t feel heart wrenching pain because I know they are no longer . suffering or are in severe pain . > > That being said I had my dog almost a decade. She was the equivalent to a child to me. I made her cakes on her birthday and spoiled her rotten. I probably will think of her ten years down the line. I’m getting her paw print tattooed on my arm. She is important to me and the only support I had and close relationship beside my boyfriend. > > Grief is different for everyone. Some people love their pets like crazy. Maybe I will feel as broken as I am now when my mother or sisters die. I can’t predict how I will deal with that. That being said we have different views on this. I wish you all the happiness and a good day

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Update: September 22, 2026 (nearly seven years later)

Editor's note: OOP updated in a different subreddit's comment box

So since this post is getting traction I decided to give everyone an update 7 years almost later.

No unfortunately the deaths and miscarriages are not fake.

My one sister developed colon cancer when she was 16 years old. She has thankfully not had a relapse . She is now in her mid-40s

Unfortunately six years from my original post my mother my mother died last year after an almost four year battle with pancreatic cancer . Unfortunately the cancer stories are real . My family history of cancer and precancerous issues are very real unfortunately.

Julia had her son. Julia went on to have two twin daughters shortly conceived. Within a year of that post

with the help of fertility treatments and progesterone and other blood clotting treatments and successfully had her daughters

To clear up about my health. I had a leep procedure along with a cervical cone biopsy. Two lesions of CIN 2 and a third that was stage 1A1. I had to be closely monitored for a year with Pap smears after my procedures. Luckily it was all treated and cared for I did not have to have any more procedures after the year mark.

I had my miscarriage when I was in my very young 20’s. My family does have a history of having miscarriages.

To clear up my relationship with Julia here goes. Julia is 8 years older than me. We grew up without our father in the picture. My father has a history of domestic abuse charges, and mental illness. So it was just my mom raising us girls. Julia has always had a history of not getting along with us. Julia has way toned it down over the years, but since my mid-teens my other sisters and I would hear comments from Julia regarding our weights, bodies, education, personal health issues, intelligence levels that were unnecessary and hurtful. She did not experience empathy for our miscarriages at the times they happened because I believe she didn’t know the pain and hurt of it until she experienced it herself.

Looking back almost 7 years from my original post, I can definitely see I was in a place of grief and hurting from losing my Pets. I do want to clarify that I know that losing a child is NOT the same as a pet and I never told her to just try to get a new one (child) . That was a thought I wanted to say in hurt but never did because I at the time wanted her to know how damaging that sentence could make you feel.

I am not perfect at all. I have a history of CPTSD, anxiety, depression, insomnia and ADHD . I have been in therapy since those posts.

I don't and never believed that women that suffer from miscarriages and fertility issues are evil despite what people are saying. Almost seven years on the relationship with my sister Julia is that of fair weather. I talk to her about twice a year. I feel like the years of damage has been done on both our ends and it’s easier to stay away because of resent from feelings been dismissed or told they aren’t valid. Since the death of our mother we do not have a relationship other then talking once every six months or so on the phone. My sisters and our relationships have fallen apart in the loss of our beautiful mom.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments regarding this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/JULESVV3

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for telling my DIL that she shouldn’t expect me to choose her over my own daughter?

Trigger Warnings: >!entitlement!<

Original Post: September 18, 2026

Secondary account as my family knows my main one.

I (49F) found out a few months ago that my daughter (24) was pregnant. We don’t have the best relationship, and I won’t get into all the details, but I definitely have my fair share of the blame.

Despite that, I was thrilled to find out I was going to be a grandma. My daughter lives abroad, so I told her I’d be happy to come over and help once she had the baby. She agreed, and we planned for me to arrive a few weeks before her due date and stay until the baby was around two-three months old. My husband will be there for the birth and leave shortly after as he needs to work. We later found out she was having twins, so she would obviously need even more help. Honestly, I was just happy that she was willing to have me there and let me be involved. Our relationship had been improving, and I really wanted to build on that.

A few weeks after my daughter announced her pregnancy, my son (28) announced that he and his wife were also expecting their first baby. I was also very happy, I mean it’s two grandbabies, who wouldn’t be? I absolutely adore my DIL and have known her for about ten years, so she’s like a daughter to me.

A few days ago, my son mentioned that I’d need to change my return date and come back a month earlier because he wanted me to be there to help him and my DIL after the baby was born.

I was taken aback and told him that I absolutely planned to help them, but I wasn’t going to change my return date. My daughter would be abroad with two 2 months old babies and would essentially be on her own, whereas my DIL would have her own mother there to help her (they’re super close), and I’d be back shortly after the birth anyway.

My DIL was there and immediately got upset. She said it wasn’t fair that my daughter was getting all of my help and support when she and I were actually closer than my daughter and I were. She said I was favoring one grandchild over another, that her child was being put aside for two other babies. I tried explaining that I don’t have a favorite grandchild, and that this wasn’t about choosing the twins over her child. I just didn’t think it was fair to leave my daughter and her boyfriend stranded with newborn twins when my DIL would have her own mother helping and supporting her and would have me there shortly afterward.

That didn’t seem to console her. She told me that I was like a mother to her and that she deserved to have me there with her. She also said that my daughter didn’t even care about our relationship and had always been dismissive toward me. I’ll admit, I got kind of angry when she started talking about my daughter that way. After a while, I told them they were both being entitled and that she should never expect me to choose her over my own daughter. They both got angry and immediately left. My son called me the next day and told me I was a horrible person and a horrible grandmother. Apparently, her family agrees with them (of course lol). My husband thinks I was right and that they were being entitled. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like I made a commitment to my daughter, and it wouldn’t be fair to disappoint her, especially when our relationship has only recently started improving and we’ve been bonding over the pregnancy and baby stuff.

So, AITAH here?

Edit : Thank you so much for all of your comments, I will continue to try and read all of them. However, I ask that people do not try and make assumptions about my daughter. No, she did not leave the country because she’s an ah, she left because she got a great opportunity for school and is now working there, she plans on coming back in a few years with her boyfriend and the children. We weren’t going on no-contact, we just aren’t as close as we used to be, she is a wonderful person, and she is not using me as a maid. Asking me to choose one child because they talk to me more is coming from people that clearly don’t have kids. Please don’t try to attack them.

Edit 2 : I have called my son and will be going over to their house tomorrow to talk it out. I can make an update post if you’re interested since I didn’t expect so many people to react to this post.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Keep your plans and stop talking about your relationship with your daughter to your DIL. They are selfish and quite frankly rude.

> Commenter 2: This has been the problem right here. DIL knows too much about their relationship. > >> OOP: She was around for most of it so that’s probably why. My daughter was around 13-14 when DIL started dating my son, so she was kind where for the downfall of our relationship.

OOP responds to a comment about DIL being a brat and OOP having favoritism toward her daughter

> OOP: DIL is a wonderful girl, however I understand how this post made her seem. That’s why I feel so guilty, because I do wish I could be there to help her.

+

> That is not true, I clearly don’t have favorites, or I would’ve let her talk about my daughter, I told her off bc to me that is inadmissible. That is why I have mentioned further down that I will be asking my daughter if something else has been said to her, because a family conversation is overdue at this point.

+

> My son is not my favorite, he’s received more attention because he was sick and we were failed at noticing that just because someone isn’t facing the same problems as the other, doesn’t mean they are feeling any better, we’ve learned from our mistakes. Now this has never ever been about having a golden child.

OOP on her daughter's boyfriend and will his parents step up to help with the babies?

> OOP: Thank you for your comment. My future son-in-law’s parents come from the same city as us and don’t have the means to come in time for her due date (because of some health issues) and will be there whenever they can, so they won’t be helping them as soon as the baby gets there.

OOP on prioritizing her daughter over DIL

> OOP: I’m sorry about your situation. People are out here judging my daughter, but they don’t know how she feels over not feeling like the main priority sometimes, I’m now trying my best to make sure that she knows that I do see her as a priority too, this is not me choosing her over my son.

Is DIL closer to her mother?

> OOP: She is super close to her mom, and her mom is actually not happy with all of this because she feels that DIL doesn’t feel safe with only her help, but I’m sure it’s not about that since she’s a great mom.

How is the relationship between OOP's daughter and son? And DIL?

> OOP: My daughter and son don’t really have a relationship because she feels that her dad and I have always prioritized her brother, as he had some mental health issues in the past and she has always been the quieter kid, who doesn’t really bring problems home. I do take full responsibility for that, it wasn’t easy for her.

+

> Wouldn’t say my son doesn’t like my daughter, they have argued in the past because he once said that he didn’t care whether he was given more attention than her or not, that just because they were siblings, didn’t mean he had her back. He has then since apologized and they are cordial, but they don’t talk often. I’m not sure if DIL has an issue with her.

+

> I’ve explained it down here somewhere. My daughter resents us because she feels that she’s been put aside her whole life as her brother has suffered from mental health issues throughout his life and she’s been kind of the non-problematic child. We used to have a great relationship until she moved abroad for college. DIL and my son are great people, but I wouldn’t say they’ve “helped” me a lot, which is fine since I’m the mom and the responsibility is mine and my husband’s. I still don’t feel like it’s appropriate for DIL to be talking about our relationship because it’s not really her business

Commenter 3: NTA I would reach out to DIL's mother and have a chat with her. Mother to mother. I wonder how she feels with her daughter thinking her own mother is not enough to help with the new baby

> OOP: I actually did and she feels a little bad since she was looking forward to it, she said that as the mom, she felt as if she was not as needed, but I know it isn’t the truth, she’s very helpful.

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Update: September 19, 2026 (next day)

Update: AITA for telling my DIL she shouldn’t expect me to choose her over my own daughter?

Hi, I don’t really know how updates work, but I haven’t been able to link the previous post on here, so hopefully the ones interested will still find this.

Earlier today, my husband and I went to my son and DIL’s house to talk things through. Her mom wasn’t there initially, but arrived a little later.

I started by apologizing for how I spoke to my DIL. Told her I never wanted to make her feel like she wasn’t being considered, and I apologized to my son as well. However, I also told him that I didn’t appreciate him essentially telling me to change my return ticket without even discussing it with me first, especially since they’ve known for months how long I planned to stay abroad.

They apologized, but my son said he thought it was a given that I would come back earlier. He said he wasn’t asking me to miss his sister’s delivery, just to return sooner because it was only fair that I be there for DIL’s delivery too, since she would need all the help she could get. I told them I absolutely wanted to be there and was very excited to meet my grandbaby (I’m not happy about missing it, but it’s a choice I had to make). However, they are also fortunate enough to have DIL’s family there to help during those first weeks, and once I return, they’ll have me as well.

I told my son that he keeps talking about fair, and asked if he genuinely thought it was fair for me to cut my trip short when his sister would barely be a month postpartum, potentially recovering from a C-section (she’s been discussing her delivery options with her doctor because she’s understandably nervous about delivering twins). I had a terrible experience recovering from my own C-section, definitely took me more than a month to heal, so I’m particularly worried about her needing help. By this point, everyone kind of got frustrated.

DIL told me that she deserved to have the full experience and that she wanted me there. My husband was clearly itching to say something, but I had asked him beforehand to only intervene if he thought things got out of hand.

This is where some people may start cursing me off as some people think I was the ah. I told DIL that I understood why, as a pregnant mother, she wanted everything to go perfectly, but I also told her that this was exactly why I felt they were coming across as entitled. They kept talking about how them not getting exactly what they wanted would not be acceptable, without considering anyone else, and they were speaking about my daughter and her babies as though they weren’t part of the family too. That I would prefer if DIL did not take liberties in talking about my relationship with my daughter and diminish it because she knew that what she said wasn’t true. I told them plainly that I was not cutting my trip short.

Her mom had arrived by then, and said that she understood my position (which seemed sudden to me since I thought she’d be defending her daughter). She said that if her own daughters-in-law (she has two) had multiple people helping them while her daughter only had her partner, she would make sure her daughter was taken care of and wouldn’t break the agreement, and would still offer help once she returned.

My son and DIL became even more stressed and started saying it wasn’t about who had more help, I told them that this was a very privileged and individualistic way of thinking. That they had guaranteed help from multiple people, so it was easy to not see anyone else’s side. I also told my son that hopefully he also intended on helping and not just expect the women to get everything done, since he didn’t even care that his own dad had offered to help. That was when my husband finally lost his patience, I wouldn’t say that he yelled, but was bringing up several things from the past few years that he also felt were unfair. He even said that some of this was our fault for spoiling our son and that he wasn’t going to have them create a narrative about preference when they had gotten sorts of help that my daughter would never even ask for. DIL then said that this wasn’t even his conversation, which just sounded bratty as hell, I never even had the courage to talk like that to my own FIL, and he certainly wasn’t all kisses and flowers.

My husband got frustrated because the just kept repeating that he could also stay longer with my daughter, when they know that he can’t as he works, he just left, and I followed right after. Before leaving, I told them that I loved my grandchild and would always be there to help, but I wasn’t going to play these games, because I had hoped for a more mature conversation. DIL’s mom also left afterward. She seemed pretty irritated by the whole situation.

Apparently, my son and DIL then started telling the rest of the family what happened.

My daughter found out a little while ago and called me. She felt terrible and said she understood if I needed to leave earlier, because she wouldn’t want to deprive her nephew of having me there. Her boyfriend even offered to pay for the cost of changing my ticket.

That actually made me more upset at the situation. I told her that none of this was their fault and they absolutely did not need to spend their money since it wasn’t exactly their problem. I reassured her that I wasn’t leaving early and that she needed to relax and focus on her pregnancy.

So, basically, I may have seriously damaged my relationship with my son and DIL. I don’t care if some of you start telling me how much I screwed up in the comments, this wasn’t about them wanting me to treat them the same, they clearly wanted everything for themselves. I was able to be present for DIL in a way that I wasn’t for my own daughter (doctor’s appointments, shopping for utilities, etc.) which is why maybe she felt as if her pregnancy mattered more, but honestly she’s too old to be acting that way. I’m not currently working so I’m even thinking about maybe taking an earlier flight so maybe I can help more before my daughter delivers (this wouldn’t change the time that I come back).

This is probably going to be the last update unless some of you want me to update you in case anything changes in our situation or once the babies are here. Thank you for reading.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA, far from it. You are honouring your commitment and, helping the child who has the most need (2 babies and no other support). Son and DIL are being incredibly selfish and entitled. As you mentioned, your husband is there and its very sexist that they don’t consider him as an equal grandparent.

> OOP: I understand if she doesn’t feel comfortable having him see her in such a delicate and intimate setting, with labor and breastfeeding, but he’s definitely functional enough to take on the house chores, etc.

Commenter 2: The issue I see is that your son and DIL don’t see your daughter as a person with needs. Your daughter is an irrelevant side character who is getting in the way of their ‘perfect birth story’. Does your son speak with his sister at all? He seems very dismissive of her and has some serious main character energy. I’m sorry you’re going through this, I can tell that you’re doing your best and I think you’re doing the right thing by your daughter and even though he can’t see it, by your son too.

> OOP: Thank you for your comment. They don’t really speak outside of maybe birthday wishes and stuff. I was hoping that we could patch things up, but clearly this situation has done nothing to help.

Commenter 3: DIL sounds like she just wants all the attention on herself and hates that your daughter is cutting into her "LOOK AT ME" time.

> OOP: I don’t know, she absolutely wanted a boy which I thought was odd, since I’ve never really understood women who were scared of having girls. My daughter is having girls, so maybe she seems to be thinking it isn’t as important, idk.

Commenter 4: Was your son ever jealous of his sister growing up? Because this is starting to sound as some kind of sibling rivalry. DIL has her fair share of blame here, but maybe she was also drawn into it by your son.

> OOP: My daughter seems to resent us for the extra attention that he got as he has always struggled with mental health issues (which is why she doesn’t blame him, but us) and she has always been the quieter, easier child, which is why I take full responsibility for the way our relationship soured. I have noticed that my son seems to resent her for being “normal” as he says, but to me that’s not really an excuse because he is almost thirty now and has been prioritized countless times in his life.

Commenter 5: I agree with many ppl in the comments, and with you. Your daughter needs you, with twins & just her bf for support, otherwise (while son & dil have an entire family helping). You also said something that perked up my attention, about your son & how his father said that you two could've spoiled him too much, as he was growing up. It makes me wonder if he was counting on your full support: your dil said something like, "For the full experience" (of having you there, doing what needs to be done & when...). Could it be, that he didn't actually want to contribute much for his newborn, but, instead, let the women (you & his mil) handle the care of his baby? If so, in his eyes, you've dashed that plan, bc you're going to be there for your daughter, who doesn't have any other support; & now he's mad. & bc of that, he may have something to do w/the false narrative (about you) that he could've passed on to your dil (& then, to other family & friends, by her), making you the bad person, here. I’m sure that her mother & others have been telling them how difficult it will be, to care for a newborn, especially in the 1st few months; & he could've said or thought smthg like, "Oh, that's okay: my mom will just handle whatever MIL can't." Just something that popped in my mind, as I read that part.

> OOP: Could be! I definitely told him that I hoped that he was going to step up as a father. My son in law will also be pulling his own weight, however, he will only have 20 days of paternity leave (where they live, the father cannot take more, not even unpaid). My son will be taking 4 weeks off, hopefully he won’t be lazying around.

Commenter 6: I think you did good, and I highly encourage you to get to daughter early if that's an option - she's going to be so miserable in the last weeks. Your DIL telling your husband to stay in his lane is HYSTERICAL. Seriously? Like he doesn't have two hands and experience with nappies, laundry, or cooking???? She is acting like a child. A petulant, spoilt child and I'm pretty sure her mum sees it too.

> OOP: I was a bit taken aback because this is a family situation so that’s why he felt comfortable enough to give his opinion. My husband is very capable of helping after work and we both offered that to my son, they just don’t seem to be caring.

Commenter 7: Have you checked in on your husband? He’s essentially been told he’s “not part of the conversation” so does he now feel thoroughly unwanted with the grandchild he will be able to help with along with being very far away and unable to help as much with his daughters twins due to work and other factors out of his control?

> OOP: Yes, I’ve been talking to him, and he doesn’t feel bad over what she said because he says he thinks she’s a brat and her words are pointless to him, if anything, he’s more upset of the fact that they don’t respect my daughter, which I fully get. I’ve suggested that since he won’t be able to stay as much as I will this time around, that he goes without me next year if he wants, so he also gets to spend time with the two little ones. He’s worried that I’m gonna feel bad to not go with him, but never, it would make me more than glad to see him getting some bonding time with the four of them (counting my daughter and her partner.)

Commenter 8: Could you not fly back for a few days for the other grandchild’s birth, stay a few days and then head back to your daughter? I’d be pissed if my mother missed my child’s birth but went to my sister’s. Also, what happens if something happens to your DIL and grandchild and you aren’t there? Your son would probably never forgive you. It’s fine to only help your daughter pp but you should be there for the birth of all the grandchildren especially if your child asks you to be there.

> OOP: My husband and I mapped out some of our trips so we could both go and we’re financially stable, but that is still an international flight and it’s very expensive for me to take 3 flights in just a month. Also, DIL wanted me to be there and stay for a few weeks with them to help, I doubt she’d only wanted me there for the birth.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Nuggetlov3

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings + OOP’s own page

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH for refusing to give my stepmother my late mom’s wedding dress after she altered it behind my back?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/NumbAsHell1, u/falcngrl, & u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/duncan-donuts-nz and OOP for letting me know about the latest update!!

Editor’s note: made small edits and added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!destruction of property, verbal abuse, harassment, violence!<

RECAP

Original Post: August 27, 2026

I (25F) lost my mom when I was 16. The most valuable thing she left me was her vintage wedding dress. It’s been sitting safely in a preserved garment bag in my closet for years, and I’ve always planned on wearing it when I get married.

My dad remarried "Karen" (48F) four years ago. Karen has a daughter, "Lily" (23F), who recently got engaged.

Last month, Karen offered to take my mom’s dress to a high-end specialty cleaner to "freshen it up" for me as a nice gesture. I thought it was sweet, so I handed it over.

Two weeks passed, and every time I asked Karen if the dress was ready to be picked up, she’d dodge the question or claim the cleaners were taking extra time.

Yesterday, I went over to my dad’s house unannounced to drop off some mail. I walked into the living room, and Lily was standing there in my mom’s dress.

Except it wasn't just my mom's dress anymore. Karen had taken it to a tailor and had the entire lace back ripped out, the long sleeves cut off into a strapless sweetheart neckline, and the train completely removed to fit Lily’s height and taste.

I froze, and Karen casually said, "Oh! We were going to surprise you. Lily fell in love with the silk fabric, and since you’re not even engaged yet, we figured it was silly to let good material go to waste."

I lost my absolute mind. I told Lily to take it off **immediately**. When she took it off, I grabbed the dress, packed it up, and locked it in my car. Karen started yelling that I was being completely irrational because "the cuts were already made" and the dress was tailored to Lily now anyway, so taking it back was just pure spite.

Lily is now sobbing because her fitting was ruined, and my dad called me last night begging me to just let Lily have the altered dress. He offered to buy me a brand-new dress when my time comes, saying, "What’s done is done, and you’re just ruining your sister’s wedding over a piece of cloth that doesn't even fit you anymore."

I told them all to go to hell, locked the butchered dress back in my closet, and told them they are d\*\*d to me unless they pay to restore it to its original condition (if that’s even possible).

Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless, keeping a dress I can’t even wear in its current state just to punish a bride.

AITAH?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I can’t even begin to imagine how you feel. You are NTA!!! Why would your Dad allow them to do that to your dress. I want to cry for you.

> OOP: Yeah I honestly don’t think my dad knew it was my mom’s dress after all the things she did to it:/

Commenter 2: “…Now my whole extended family is blowing up my phone saying I’m being heartless…”

What are your maternal grandparents saying?? NTAH

> OOP: They’re on my side, the only people mad at me are my step sisters family

Commenter 3: Your step-sister’s family, and your dad, are wrong. This was a massive overstep and not one you are likely to overlook. Did your dad know about this before alterations were made? Or did his wife do this behind his back, too?

> OOP: I fully believe she went behind everyone’s back, once she got it tailored I don’t think my dad even could recognize it was my mother’s dress :/

Commenter 4: NTA - I really have a hard time believing a woman would want her own daughter to wear her husband’s dead wife’s dress. Especially, since it’s been boxed up and preserved in your own home. How did they even see the dress anyway? If this is all true you have every right to be furious and just block all the nasty family taking their side. How dare they!

> OOP: She lied to me and said she wanted to get it dry cleaned and do something nice, so I believed her. She went behind everyone’s back… honestly I don’t even know what my dad sees in her bc she’s a horrible person

Commenter 5: NTA! I would literally be looking into if I could sue them for destruction of property. They crossed a HUGE line, and I think it’s disgusting that your dad didn’t put a stop to it.

> OOP: Yeah I might have to at this point, they haven’t stopped harassing me about taking it back

Commenter 6: They knew, that’s why they kept it a secret. I’m sorry, that’s a horrible thing to do to you.

> OOP: No because you’re so right

OOP's comment to the redditors after reading and responding to the comments here in the original post

> OOP: Thank you so much to everyone for all the advice and support on this. It’s been a crazy 24 hours, but reading through your responses really helped me see things clearly. I’m currently set to consult with a lawyer to figure out my best legal options here before I make my next move. I’ll make sure to drop a proper update once I’ve spoken with them and figured everything out!❤️❤️.

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Update #1: August 29, 2026 (two days later)

First off, thank you to everyone who commented. Honestly, reading through the replies was a huge reality check because I was so overwhelmed I wasn't even thinking about the legal side of this.

I took the dress to a local bridal restoration shop yesterday just to see what fixing it would actually look like. The news was bad. The tailor Karen used basically gutted the inner structure and cut away vintage lace panels that can't just be sewn back on. To get it anywhere near its original state with matching vintage lace, the owner estimated it’s going to cost around $3,500—and even then, it won't be 100% identical to what my mom wore.

I called my dad and Karen last night and told them they have until next Friday to put down the deposit with the restorer, or I'm taking the probate paperwork from my mom's estate and going to the police to file a report for theft and property damage, and then taking Karen to small claims court.

Karen immediately lost her mind and started screaming that I'm trying to put my “own family” (step family) in jail over "old fabric." My dad is in full panic mode begging me not to do it because he says it'll ruin Lily’s wedding and wreck them financially.

Lily actually texted me this morning claiming she "had no idea" Karen took the dress without asking and thought we had made some kind of deal, but she’s still refusing to help pay for the restoration because she says she's an innocent bystander in all of this.

I'm holding firm on next Friday at 5 PM. If the restorer doesn't have the deposit by then, I'm going straight to the station with the text receipts and the before/after photos.

I feel sick to my stomach about all of this, but I feel like if I don't set this boundary now, they're just going to walk all over me for the rest of my life.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Stand your ground! What they did was absolutely awful and once the dress is restored as best as possible, I'd never speak to any of them again!

> OOP: Yeah after this I definitely won’t be speaking to them again

Commenter 2: Every time they harass you about the dress, cut the deadline back & tell them that either money shows up or they get closer to charges being filed. Too bad that they’re squirming like worms in a yard full of robins. They know they are wrong but won’t admit it.

> OOP: Ooo I really like this idea

Commenter 3: Does the tailor have the original fabric?

> OOP: No they don’t sadly:/

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Update #2: September 4, 2026 (six days later)

Things have completely escalated, and honestly, reading through your comments made me realize waiting around for a deadline was pointless.

On Tuesday, my dad came over to my place to try and "reason with me." By "reason," I mean he spent an hour crying on my couch, telling me that paying $3,500 for the restoration would mean pulling money straight out of Lily’s wedding fund. He admitted Karen threatened to leave him if he paid for it, and he literally begged me to just accept $500 in cash and "let it go for the sake of the family." I told him absolutely not and showed him the door.

Then yesterday, things took an absolute turn. Lily’s fiancé, "Mark," reached out to me directly. Mark was furious because Lily had told him I willingly let Karen take the dress to get altered for her. When he saw how bad things were getting and realized Karen had tricked me into handing it over under the guise of "dry cleaning," they got into a massive fight. Mark told her he’s reconsidering the wedding if she doesn't take accountability and help fix this.

Karen lost her mind and sent me a string of unhinged voice notes accusing me of "destroying her daughter's relationship" and being evil and spiteful.

That was the final straw. I knew right then they were never going to pay a dime to fix the dress and were just trying to manipulate me.

Yesterday afternoon, I met with a local attorney who looked over my mom’s probate records, the before/after photos, and the texts where Karen admitted she took the dress to a tailor under false pretenses after I handed it to her for cleaning. My lawyer confirmed I have a rock-solid case for both civil litigation and grand larceny/property destruction given the dress's value and the damage done.

Directly after leaving my lawyer's office yesterday evening, I walked straight into the police station and filed an official report against Karen.

My dad has gone completely radio silent, and Karen is panicking now that law enforcement is actually involved. My hands are still shaking from the stress of it all, but I’m finally standing my ground. I’ll keep you guys posted on what happens next with the police and court.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Congrats to you. This is a big step in showing your family you are not to be played. Do not let them ever convince you that you are the problem here or the reason for their consequences.

I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself, but also standing up for your mother and her wishes. I sincerely hope you are able to enjoy her dress in some way on someday yourself.

> OOP: Yeah I might take apart the dress and make it into something so it doesn’t fully go to waste, and I can still have a little part of her❤️.

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Trigger Warnings: >!harassment, violence!<

Update #3: September 18 (two weeks later)

Chat you won’t even believe what has been happening. Things went from zero to a hundred faster than I could have ever imagined, and police were officially called to my house…

Yesterday morning, I got a text from Mark asking if we could talk privately. He came over and apologized profusely for everything his family put me through. He told me that after reading the texts and seeing how Lily and Karen were acting, he confronted Lily about the dress again. My stepsister doubled down, claiming I was overreacting about an ugly old gown and that I was just trying to ruin her special day. That was the final straw for him. Mark said watching her show zero remorse, and realizing she had been lying to his face about us working it out, made him realize he couldn't marry into a family with such a complete lack of integrity and basic empathy. He officially called off the wedding, packed his things, and moved out.

Naturally, instead of reflecting on her daughter's or her own actions, Karen blamed the entire breakup on me.

About two hours after Mark left, I heard furious banging on my front door. It was Karen. She was screaming at the top of her lungs, slamming her fists on the door, and demanding I open up right now and fix the mess I made. She was yelling that I ruined my stepsister's life, destroyed her family, and that I needed to call the police immediately to drop the grand larceny charges.

I told her through my Ring doorbell that she was trespassing and needed to leave, or I was calling 911. She lost her mind even more and started kicking my front door and pulling on the door handle.

I called 911 right then and there. Dispatch could hear her screaming in the background, so officers arrived within five minutes. They caught her right on my porch, mid-rant, still trying to kick the door in. I showed the officers the Ring camera footage, and they handcuffed her on the spot for trespassing and harassment.

Because I already had an active police report open for the dress theft and destruction, the officers added this incident directly to her file and served her with a temporary trespass order.

While Karen was being booked, my dad came over to my house alone, and we finally had a long, tearful conversation.

He looked completely broken. He started off by profusely apologizing for how he handled everything, including the crying on my couch, asking me to accept $500, and trying to sweep Karen's actions under the rug. He explained that after my mom passed, he was so terrified of being alone and losing another partner that he let Karen manipulate him for years. He thought that if he just kept the peace and gave her whatever she wanted, he could hold the family together.

The turning point for him was seeing Karen handcuffed on my front porch on the Ring camera, screaming at me like a lunatic. He said hearing her call my mom's dress an ugly old gown and watching her completely destroy Lily’s engagement opened his eyes to who she really is. He realized that in his desperate attempt not to lose Karen, he was actively losing me, his actual daughter, and trampling on my mom's memory. He literally told me that Karen basically sucks and turned out to be a complete monster.

He packed his bags and moved out of their house. He told me he's contacting a divorce attorney on Monday and that he fully supports whatever legal action I take against Karen for the dress. He even offered to pay for the $3,500 restoration out of his own savings, completely separate from whatever happens with the police report or small claims court.

I’m not saying everything is completely healed between us overnight, but hearing him finally wake up, take accountability, and stand up for my mom's memory meant everything to me.

My lawyer is proceeding with the civil suit against Karen using the Ring footage, the police reports, and Mark's witness statement. I'm still shaken up, but for the first time in weeks, I actually feel like I can breathe again. I'll keep you all posted when court dates are set!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any relevant comments in this latest update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_donewiththis

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My BF (30M) admitted to me (26F) my accidental pregnancy isn’t so accidental, despite me being child free. Where do I go from here?

Trigger Warnings: >!baby trapping, mentions abortion, abusive behavior!<

Original Post: July 30, 2026

Hi, I’m so sorry for the throw away.

I will try to explain this as objectively as I can.

He & I’ve been together for almost two years. We had the conversation about kids when we were still just dating and both agreed we don’t want kids.

A while ago I found out I’m pregnant. I will admit I stopped taking my pill. It was really messing me up (mentally & physically) and we talked about it. He encouraged me to stop messing with my hormones & that we’d use condoms until I figured out different preventive measures.

I was genuinely devastated when I found out, still am. (Sorry.) Thought we were just unlucky. He had been incredibly supportive since I found out, said it’s been a blessing & we’ll be great. All the positive things. I’ve been trying to be excited about it. (Abortion is not legal where we live.)

Yesterday we had a horrible fight though. Pregnancy’s been miserable on me, I’m tired and sick often & just struggling. In combination with my job I’ve just not been worth much at home & towards him, I will admit this.

He got frustrated & said he regretted trying for a family, that I ruined it. He basically admitted that a few times when I thought we were being safe, we weren’t. (He didn’t give details) I know he knows he messed up because he tried to act so lovingly after, apologised for the fight & so on. I still ended up going to a friend’s place (it’s his home).

I feel incredibly overwhelmed. He’s called, asking if I really want to ruin us over this. That we’ll be happy & he’ll make it up to me for the rest of his life. That he wasn’t thinking & just wanted a baby with me so badly, out of love. A lot of promises & apologies. He wants to try counseling, even.

I’m tired & a bit of a mess. I don’t want to try to get over this, but don’t know if I’m just being too stubborn or whatever.

Note: I’m so aware there’s many people here that struggle with infertility & I don’t want to be insensitive. This is just my situation, but I am sorry if this is hurtful to anyone.

Edit: this became a lot very quickly. I really appreciate everyone’s replies though. Gonna walk away from this for a bit so don’t feel pressured to comment, there’s a lot already. Thanks for everything.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Have you already terminated the pregnancy? If not that’s your first and most important step.

> OOP: Abortion is not legal where I live.

Commenter 2: So how did he sabotage the birth control?

> OOP: I’m not sure. He wouldn’t say. I know for a fact he always put on a condom, I can’t imagine not having noticed, sorry.

Commenter 3: This is not the kind of thing you get over. He decided to risk an innocent child’s future on his hope that you’d just get over your pesky stance on parenthood and magically develop maternal instincts. Talk to a lawyer and figure out your options for minimizing his presence in your life (and the child’s, if you decide to raise it yourself) going forward. Or frankly, if there’s a way for you to get to another place where things are more permissive, I’d do that.

> OOP: Sorry for the late reply, it’s been a lot. He & I are broken up, though I’m still pregnant. (Got scared, which is on me.) He doesn’t want the raise the baby by himself so I’m hoping he’ll agree to adoption, though he thinks I’ll change my mind about wanting to raise them myself the longer I’m pregnant. (To the point of ‘it’d say things about me as a person if I won’t’.) It’s all a bit of a mess, but we’ll see I guess.

Commenter 4: If he tampered with a condom or stealthed you, that's rape. Your boyfriend raped you.

He can fuck all the way off saying you are "ruining" the relationship. If anyone ruined it, he did.

> OOP: I don’t really know what to say, but I appreciate your reply

Commenter 5: In the country where I live, he could get a prison sentence for this. I’m telling you this so that you realise how serious what he has done is.

Is there any chance at all that you can travel to get the pregnancy terminated?

If not, would you consider giving the baby up for adoption?

Even if you do decide to have and keep a child, you can’t stay with this man. He’s betrayed your trust in most fundamental way.

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Update: September 12, 2026 (1.5 month later)

Update: My BF (30M) admitted to me (26F) my accidental pregnancy isn’t so accidental, despite me being child free. Where do I go from here?

Hi, it’s been a while. I was scrolling because I can’t sleep and felt like I owed you guys an update maybe. I appreciate everyone who took the time to reply to my last post & I’m sorry that I checked out at some point.

Gonna keep this short if that’s alright. I’m still pregnant, and still a mess. Looked into abortion but got scared (which is on me). Started reading stories of people going out of state & getting in trouble, plus the words of my ex effected me a lot.

He’s had like a 1000 different moods over the past weeks. One moment he’s all sweet, the other he’s pissed. I made it clear I don’t want to raise this baby but he can if he wants to, but I guess the idea of doing it alone doesn’t appeal to him. He still thinks I’ll come around & fall in love with this baby the longer I’m pregnant. (As far as saying I’m a horrible person if I don’t & asking what’s wrong with me.) I don’t know, I could fill pages with all the things he’s said. Blocked him at some point but he made a fuss that he has a right to be in touch with me because he’s the father. I just don’t really have it in me right now to fight with him.

At some point I did consider just getting back together with him but moved away from that very quickly.

I have my own place, lil studio. I like the quiet. But feeling very defeated. I’m sure it’ll get better at some point.

Thanks again for all your kindness, I really do appreciate everyone’s encouragement. Than you.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: look into adoption, and dump him.

he's essentially an asshole who thinks being pregnant/giving birth is somehow going to awaken your maternal instincts and is willing to gamble an innocent child's future on it.

you don't want to raise the child. he doesn't want to raise it alone. you're afraid of abortion. at least with adoption, the kid has a chance of being in a loving family.

> OOP: I am, and he is very dumped. It’s just overwhelming. It’s not just up to me. And I made the mistake of posting in an Ask Adoptees subreddit here & got told it’s best to keep them, for their sake. (Not gonna make a decision based off that alone of course but need to think a bit I guess. Feeling like there’s no good solution.)

Commenter 2: As long as you know you're signing up to be a single parent. You might not want to consider adoption, or he may fight you on that as well. If it were me , and I'm a 53 year old woman whose married and childfree by choice, I was having the abortion. I had one in my early 20s and it was a difficult decision at the time , however in hindsight the best decision I could have made for my life. My ex at the time hated my decision, eventually "forgave" me then turned out to be a horrible husband and father to the children he had with his eventual wife. He died during covid .

> OOP: Where I live abortion is illegal. And traveling to get one has big risks as well.. I wanted to, but it’s terrifying.

Commenter 3: So if you didn’t have an abortion and you don’t want to give the baby up for adoption, you’ve decided to keep and raise the baby?

> OOP: I’m still figuring things out. My first choice is adoption. But it’s not just up to me..

Commenter 4: I don't care how scary abortion is for you, I guarantee every other possibility is more scary. The only difference is that the abortion is scary now and everything else is scary later, and your brain is tricking you into thinking that later doesn't matter.

I'm sorry if I sound harsh but time is of the essence here. There is help available, from strangers if need be. I guarantee it. Women have been helping other women since time began.

I hope you make the right choice for you and don't procrastinate yourself into misery.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/No_Professional_3574

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for not wanting my roommate's boyfriend's parents to stay over for 4 days while my roommate is away

Trigger Warnings: >!financial exploitation, entitlement!<

Original Post: September 11, 2026

So I'm 22F and currently staying in an apartment with my friend of two years "Rachel" 24F and her boyfriend "Dylan" 23M. For some context, Rachel and I were staying in the same hostel for about 2 years then we moved out together about a year ago.

Initially, it was agreed that Dylan would sometimes stay over at our place and I was okay with it since he's my friend too.

But then after a few months, he moved in with us, it wasn't a big "oh I'll be staying with you guys from here on" or anything. Hello just gradually moved his stuff bit by bit and before I knew it, he was my roommate.

I still let it go because I thought, how bad could it be, I knew him, he is my friend, surely everything will be fine. Boy was I wrong.

He has never paid a dime, not in the rent or the groceries or anything else and every time I brought it up, he'd say he'd pay but then wouldn't. Rachel would take everything very personal like I'm attacking him if I ask him to contribute equally.

Anyways he has free loaded for 1 year because honestly I was tired of saying anything and just gave up.

Dylan never cooks, or does the dishes or anything ever. Apart from me feeling like I'm intruding on a married couple's apartment (They've been dating for 2 years now) where I pay half the rent btw, Dylan did something that made me really mad and honestly I can't take it anymore.

So Rachel has gone to her hometown because of some emergency, and she isn't coming back before ten days at least. So Dylan's parents were visiting on their way back from a vacation and I didn't mind it. I was fine with it.

The day they went for their vacation, they had lunch over at our place and we dropped them off at the train station. But apparently they are staying for 4 more days.

I had a rather long week, and I haven't properly rested for like 2 weeks because I had a lot of work at the lab (I'm studying Forensics) and I wanted to have a lil winding down this weekend.

I'm not very okay with his parents staying over for 4-5 days because that means I'll have to be conscious about how I look, what I wear, what I eat, where I go etc.

And I'm Asian, there are a lot of things you can do "wrong" as a woman that'll get you judged and I'm not comfortable with living with Dylan's parents while Rachel is gone too.

I told Dylan in every way possible, but he just wouldn't listen. They wouldn't book a hotel or anything too.

Also, there is a festival coming up in my country so most of my friends are back home for the weekend so I can't crash at anyone else's place, I can't go home either because my home is like 2000 km away.

Everyone's saying that I should treat his parents like they're my parents and it's only for 3-4 days so it's okay. And that I can just stay in my room. But I wanna be able to move around the house in shorts with anyone giving judgmental glances. I'm so tired honestly. AITAH?

Edit: Guys, I know I have allowed myself to be a doormat for really long and I should've taken a stand long long ago. I struggle with saying no, setting boundaries and confronting people. But I'm working on this :)

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA, but also YTA for putting up with this for too long

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But also what a great opportunity to ask his parents if they know he doesn’t pay rent, or comment that they must be where he learned to move in without asking or contributing. Shame everyone involved. They don’t like it? Too bad: you’re the only person whose home it is and they’re insulting you by treating it like a free hotel.

> OOP: Yeah you're right

Commenter 2: NTA, if he doesn't have a key, I would lock him and his parents out. And let your landlord know. He isn't your roommate.

> OOP: Unfortunately he has a spare key 🥲 I'm so tired of this shit

Commenter 3: They aren’t on the lease! Hell, neither is Dylan! You should not have to be made to feel uncomfortable in the place YOU are paying to live. He’s a bum and apparently so are his parents. I mean, whose parents are comfortable staying in an apartment with their kids roommates? Mine wouldn’t be ok with it for even one night, and would gladly make their own accommodations elsewhere.

> OOP: Same, mine wouldn't be okay with it either which is why it's even more frustrating to me

Commenter 4: First, I would not pay more than 1/3 of costs. If Dylan won’t pay his 1/3, then Rachel should pay his portion. And, no, his parents cannot just crash there. If he’s not paying, it’s not his place to invite others. If they do insist on staying, you could always ask them for Dylan’s portion of the costs. Something tells me they give him money for this already and would be quite interested to learn that he’s not using it for the intended purpose.

> OOP: Yeah and Rachel and I are university students, but Dylan has a job. He can literally pay from his own money, but he doesn't

Commenter 5: If he doesn’t pay rent, then he is a guest. Guests do not get to invite guests of their own. If he wants his parents to stay, he owes you a year of back rent first.

Honestly, I would call the cops on his parents for trespassing, but I am an asshole.

> OOP: The cops in my country don't take these matters seriously that's the thing

Commenter 6: Look you pay rent, he doesn't conversation needs talked about to your friend, tell her call her bf and say his parents are not staying at your place, and he needs to leave as well. He leeched off you enough now tell your friend you’re not putting up with this anymore. You both live together an half n half bills. You not paying for her bf to leech anymore or his parents using this as free hotel they are not your family or friends. Then tell him to leave until gf comes back. He has no legal stay at your place. You can call police have him removed, if he tries anything. etc. he not on the lease.

> OOP: I'm finding a new roommate and making them move out asap. I've tried talking to Rachel multiple times, but she takes everything as a personal attack on Dylan

Are OOP and Rachel on the lease? What about Dylan?

> OOP: We both are on the lease. I'm searching for a new roommate tbh, it's a lil difficult but I can't stay with them anymore

Commenter 7: Honestly, why are you letting both of them take advantage of you like this?

> OOP: Ngl I have a hard time saying no and confronting people and I understand that it's something I need to actively work on

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Update: September 12, 2026 (next day)

Update: AITAH for not wanting my roommate's boyfriend's parents to stay over for 4 days while my roommate is away

So I had a conversation with Dylan's parents about how he hasn't paid for anything and has been freeloading. They have paid Dylan's share of the money since he moved in, and they are now staying at a hotel.

I haven't really talked to Dylan since he is at work. And after Rachel comes back from her hometown I'll give her an ultimatum and if she doesn't comply, which she most likely won't because she doesn't like Dylan paying for stuff, I'll have both of them move out.

I'm currently searching for a new roommate too. Thank you everyone for all your suggestions and insights, I really appreciate it :)

A few things I wanna address here

1. I understand that I haven't been firm and didn't take a stand that's why the situation escalated so much. Though I have a hard time saying no, I have been trying to be more solid about my boundaries and confronting people.

2. I saw a few comments about why I'm using American names etc. so about that, I'm from India (I mentioned earlier that I'm from an Asian country) I wanted my post to reach more people have their insights that's why I used English names and also because a lot of people use reddit including my friends so I wanted to be anonymous without revealing too much :) Dylan is a name I got off of the show Modern Family since I was watching it yesterday, and I have an actual friend called Rachel so I used that name, the people I've talked about, their initials are in real D and R.

And a lot of people in India have "English names" with local surnames especially the part of India I'm from (I'm from Northeast India, Indians will know about this!) so sorry if the names didn't sound Indian enough which got some people confused :)

Edit: Some people are thinking that I made up everything so I just wanna say that you can check out my profile and the things I post and the communities I post in. This is probably my first post talking about something like this. So no, it's not fake, it happened, I got into this situation, I'm getting myself out of it!

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP needs to change locks and talk with Rachel and Dylan

> OOP: I changed the lock and Dylan will be staying at a friend's place till Rachel is back after which I'll talk to both of them and give Rachel an ultimatum too

Commenter 1: Look at you! Communicating. Standing up for yourself. Being direct. Not succumbing to societal pressure. You've done a lot of growing up in the last few days. Proud of you.

Commenter 2: How did the conversation with the parents go? Did they just pay you without arguing?? NTA BTW

> OOP: I had to argue a bit then they agreed

Commenter 3: You can't expect people from a different cultural background to advise you on this—family dynamics in India are completely unique, so any feedback you get won't be helpful.

> OOP: Yeah but I did get a lot of insight on how to be more firm with these people, so it kinda worked :) and sometimes you just need some advice from others when your mind isn't working

Commenter 4: OP, what did you say to Dylan's parents and what did they say to you? Does he know that you talked to them (I'm assuming he does since he'll be staying with friends), how did he react to you talking to them?

Details, OP, please! and, BTW, super proud of you for handling this even if it took a while!

> OOP: Well he wasn’t very happy that I talked to his parents 💀 I told his parents how he has been freeloading and not paying any money while living here and using our groceries etc.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Technical-Mode-7734

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

Trigger Warnings: >!weaponized incompetence, manipulation!<

Original Post: September 3, 2026

I’m the maid of honor (F31) for my best friend of 12 years wedding (F31 Celine). I hate her fiancé (31M Jay), I think he’s a waste of space and honestly a rock has more personality than him.

I’m seeking advice on what to say to her so she will finally walk away.

For context , they’ve been together for 4 years and 5 months. They connected when he DMed her on insta and he confessed he had an unrequited crush on her since high school. They were in similar cliques, but they never spoke to each other; he just knew her as the cute goth girl. She still is very much a goth, so it caught his attention and it made him reached out to her.

My initial opinion wasn’t the highest, but it wasn’t the lowest either. He is a hermit, lives out in the country, and his only friend is his dog, and his truck. Then it came out that he has severe insecurities. And then I learned his home is a rundown mobile home, and his truck is where he spends all his money on… Another sore spot is he doesn’t make much money. Now the amount of money one makes is not an issue I’d judge on, but we will come back to this later.

In the first 2 years, Jay had a bunch of insecurities, and it made him think Celine was going to leave him at any moment. Insecurities such as him not being attractive, not being able to provide, not making enough money, and not being good enough...

We all have insecurities, but through their relationship he’s constantly feared she’s going to leave him and tells her constantly he’s not good enough for her. Pretty damn grating in my opinion.

The proposal is when I started to see actual red flags 🚩. Up until that point, I saw him as meek, but Celine was happy, so I gave him grace. However, the man proposes with no ring just a string (actual string), and proceeds to throws my boyfriend, now husband, (M30 Rick) under the bus and says, “I would of had a ring, but I asked Rick for your ring size, and he never got back to me.”

Which is downright a LIE, and when Celine told me the news I made sure to check Rick’s phone on the spot to confirm he never got a message from Jay.

That just didn’t sit right with me at all, and my husband was so pissed. Because up until that point he was trying to be his friend and give him career advice to help him get more money.

So wedding planning commences. They are 3 years into the relationship and set the wedding date far out to give enough time to plan…. Spoiler it wasn’t enough time.

In the midst of planning, I have basically been filling in for what he should be participating in. From wedding venue decisions, to decorations, going to all the meetings, I even found vendors! Anything she can get him to join in on, after constant reminders, when asked for his opinion he just shrugs and gives an idk response. Getting him to participate in this wedding is like pulling teeth with him.

Then 4 months out he asks for the wedding to be postponed. He says he can’t handle her sudden shift in mood and she’s being mean to him. Mind you, they don’t live together, because his place is in shambles. All she requested was he fix the windows, so when she does move in her cat won’t accidentally break out.

Her parents sit them both down to talk and get them to communicate and figure out wtf is going on because they are the ones funding all of the wedding (about 25k at this point). The decision they make is to have the wedding but not sign the marriage license to make it legal. All seems good for 24hrs until he reaches out to me and ask if I think Celine will be happy with him and if she can change to be nicer to him.

I call his ass out in the nicest way possible saying he needs a lot of self-reflection and to seek therapy/counseling. He then messages Celine and tells her I’m not helping his mental health, and that I reached out to him first out of concern. Another damn LIE.

So I go off on him, and tell him he’s a lying pos and he’s not communicating, so I see him as the problem. That seems to get him to start helping and changes his attitude, but I know it’s only a matter of time.

So this week, his mother (who hasn’t contributed squat to the wedding) reaches out to Celine’s mom to tell her the wedding needs to be called off. Jay wants to end the wedding and the relationship, he’s been crying hysterically, is in heaps of debt to spend money on Celine to keep her happy, so he keeps over drafting his cards. Celine was over at his place and he told her nothing. Of course the parents are freaked out and tell Celine and she confronts Jay. His answer, “ oh I didn’t want to tell you in case I changed my mind.” Which speaks even more about his shitty character 🚩🚩🚩.

If things couldn’t get worse, he also tells her he has to go out of town for 5 weeks for work and the wedding is at the end of this month.

At this point, I don’t think he wants to marry her, but I don’t think she should marry him! I asked her why is she still continuing with him, but she’s just so emotionally numb. She feels like they’ve come so far and it would suck to have to start over, but she thinks it’s just his nerves that are causing him to act this way.

I left a lot out since this was getting pretty long, but my concerns are if he can lie about little things he will most certainly lie about big things. We learned he’s in debt, but not sure on the amount. My fear is if they did get married Celine is at risk.

Again, I just want advice on what to tell her to finally leave this piece of trash. He’s been caught in too many lies and it’s not going to get better. Hell I don’t even know what kind of wedding speech to give that won’t show how much I hate him.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't get involved in other people's relationships, generally.

That'll happen is she'll turn it, blame you, you'll lose your friend and she'll lose support when she does finally leave.

> OOP: I’m pretty confident she won’t blame me. We’ve seen each other at our worst. > > I also got involved the moment he tried throwing my ass under the bus when he asked for my advice.

OOP explains her suspicions of Jay's behaviors

> OOP: He’s got pretty severe ADHD, and I think struggles with depression. My red flags were his constant lies. Even in the stories he told me about work it always seemed a bit farfetched. > > One that tipped me off on money issues is he got a credit card with the 0% interest for x months. Celine called me and said the bank was charging him all the back interest, and he swore he paid it off.

OOP on the bridal/groom party and if the couples' parents know what is going on and obvious to Jay's shortcomings?

> OOP: There are 4 more bridesmaids, 2 of them have been very involved and also share the same opinion that he’s trash. The other 2 are not really involved. > > Her parents are more worried about the money that’s already spent on the wedding. They aren’t asking the right questions and are just worried in overloading her with their opinions. + > I think it’s because he played them acting like he was helping. In the beginning of planning he was saying the right things, and nodding at the right times. Yet, he wasn’t actually doing anything. > > Recently the dad told him, “there are more ways to say I love you, doing something is one of them” + > The parents haven’t seen it and any time her dad offers to come over to help fix things he makes excuses. I wouldn’t say he’s a hoarder, but he’s got a lot of stuff, and the home is honestly one bad storm away from being condemned.

Commenter 2: You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

There is nothing you can say that will convince Celine to leave him. All you can realistically do is be there for her when it all goes horribly wrong.

I would probably have one more conversation with her in which you tell her that you're worried about her and you have concerns about the relationship but it's her life and you will be there for her when she needs you. Then you need to step back and let her make her own mistakes.

Commenter 3: Girl needs to run now. Just “not signing the marriage” license doesn’t mean that a court wouldn’t possibly consider the wedding if he was to go after palimony (alimony for unmarried exes in some states).

Dude is not stable. He would rather lie than own up to his feelings and shortcomings. I am legitimately worried for stability and her safety.

If she still really wants marry him, she needs to see a full credit report and understand all of his finances ASAP. They also need a prenup, couples therapy, and a new residence. Under no circumstances should she move out to that mobile home and isolate herself from her support system.

Does she want a wedding or a marriage?

> OOP: I also told her that out of this marriage he would be the one benefiting the most. She wants the marriage, and she especially wants children. > > From what I can tell I think she’s worried time is against her.

Commenter 4: For the first half of your post I thought you were being too judgy, but jeez, the only relationship this guy needs is with his parents, there is still sooo much growing up to do!

> OOP: The best man is also his dad…

Commenter 5: Why would they have the wedding but not take care of the legal paperwork? What would be the point?

> OOP: Because he made excuses to go with her to get the license.

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Editor's note: removed the top half of the update, as it is a rehash of the original post

Update: September 9, 2026 (six days later)

Update My best friend’s wedding is at the end of this month, and everyone wants her to leave the groom.

Hey everyone, thanks again for the advice and sharing your personal experiences. Here’s the update.

So the day after I made the post I sent it to her and I went over that evening to talk. She did read through some of the comments some resonated with her, and some fell very flat. Especially the ones calling her a moron or an idiot. To which I told her to ignore its Reddit; could be much worse. What hurt her the most were the comments telling me to not only drop out of the wedding but drop her all together.

Much like I told everyone, I’m her ride or die, telling me to leave wasn’t the advice I was seeking. The advice I wanted was all for her. She told me she would have never blamed me, but me choosing to stay by her side is what she needed.

Now about the fiancé and wedding. One of the post that really hit Celine was the one about what her future kid’s Christmas look like, what would be under the tree, and what would his role in supporting be. When she imagined that future, she said not once had he told her that he wanted her children. She also knew he wouldn’t be a reliable partner.

She then worried about her things and especially her cat. To which I told her we will all figure it out, but she has support and doesn’t have to worry about it in that moment. I told her I just wanted her to be happy and that it’s been a long time since I’ve seen her truly happy.

She waits a couple of days and sees him in person to call everything off. She calls me and says he’s in the other room crying and telling her all the things she’s been wanting to hear. How he will sign the marriage papers, and will take her on more dates, all the things she should have been hearing months ago. She tells him to leave.

I go over on Sunday evening to check on her. She’s doing better than I could imagine, but she’s definitely upset. She wonders if she did the right thing until the next events that happen. He’s been sending her texts, and before I got there he sent her a text of a letter he wrote. I read through it, just a bunch of I’m sorry and I will do this going forward. An hour goes by and he sends her a voice memo. He then messages my husband.

At that point she’s starting to feel a bit repulsed. We go to bed and I wake up earlier than her and she wakes up miffed as hell. He sent her a text at 6am and then another at 8am saying he’s hopes she likes the care package he sent last night. I go to the door and see its groceries…. Perishable groceries and a sticker that says, “do not knock.”

She gets another text that he’s doing more therapy and has more scheduled. He’s just love bombing her at this point. We tell Celine’s mom she needs to call or text his mom or Jay that he needs to leave her alone. He is causing her more stress.

She feels better about her choice, but is just worried about getting her belongings back. She said he is keeping the cat since it’s a pet they got together, but she’s worried on how far he will take things.

Thanks again to everyone who gave her good advice. I don’t think I’ll post anymore about this, we all just want to be done and move forward.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Celine made the right choice, though she may find herself questioning that from time to time; and you are a very good friend.

> OOP: I told her it sucks now, but we will laugh about it in the happy years to come.

Why can't Celine get her cat from her ex's place?

> OOP: She has two cats. Her cat that she had before him, that lives with her. The second cat that is at his place that they got together when his neighbor said they couldn’t take the cat with. He’s claiming that one. > > She also can’t have another cat at her place so I was trying to find another person who would want her.

OOP clarifies with more details regarding the cat who is still at the ex's place

> OOP: One thing I did leave out. She left behind her gun at his place, bullets, and everything; this was before she broke things off. She never had an opportunity to get it back. > > We are worried if we showed up, given his mental state it could go south real quickly especially if he sees us trying to take the cat. We have no clue when he’s home or not. > > I’m not about to go to someone’s home who is unstable right now and potentially have everyone in danger. She loves the cat, but let’s be more reasonable here we like living more.

Commenter 2: Not caring about a cats life and wellbeing is really sad and disgusting. He needs to not be there when she gets her things. If she’s worried about a gun, call the MF police!!!!! Get her shit and get the cat!!!!!!

> OOP: 100% there with you. I told her I’m worried about the safety, and she needs to get a police escort if she goes there to retrieve her items especially getting the gun. > > As for the cat, it might be harder to collect the cat since the former neighbor gave them the cat, and would most likely side with Jay. > > I wish it was a simple we can snag it, but I doubt the police would see it that way. NGL they kinda suck at my state.

Commenter 3: If her name is listed as the cat owner at the vet’s and she paid all the bills (which I assume she did since he was a financial mess), that cat is hers and she doesn’t have to let him keep it. I’m glad she got out of that relationship though! Good on you for watching out for her.

> OOP: No, and he was using the neighbor who is a vet to give him meds for the cat. I think it would be an uphill battle to get the cat back since he can prove he had as much of a claim to the cat as she does. > >> Commenter 3: You said that he wouldn’t even fix a window to make sure “her cat” wouldn’t get out. Did she bring the cat with her? Personally, given the window situation, I’d grab the cat along with my stuff when he wasn’t there and fight about it later. Always save the cat. >> >>> OOP: She has another cat that lives with her. She didn’t want to bring him over till he got the window fixed since he likes to bat the windows when he’s looking at the squirrels. The other cat they got together, she’s older and was the former neighbors cat. >>> >>> While I’m always down to save the cat, the issue is trying to prove she has more of a right the that cat then he does.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/AffectionateSet670

Originally posted to r/EntitledPeople

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: Mom's Fiancé's family Is excluding Me from Family events and Cold towards me

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/boringhistoryfan for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: removed older relevant comments for space in this latest BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a loved one, favoritism, child neglect, manipulation!<

RECAP

Original Post: August 18, 2026

My dad died in an accident when I was around 8, we lived in Germany then. two years after that me and my mom moved to Madrid cause that's where she's from. she took care of me so good after he died, like she is honestly the strongest person I know, she's protective but also really soft with me. I love her so much, I'm 15M for the context

Anyway around 5 years ago she started seeing someone, this Man who was actually an old friend of hers and also a client for her work. I didn’t even know they were dating until 3 years ago when she introduced him to me at dinner. I was honestly shocked, like it never even occurred to me that she'd date again. before that dinner id seen him at our place like 2-3 times and she just said he was a friend He’s rich. like actually wealthy. He’s divorced with 2 teenage kids who mostly live with their mom

At first it was just me tagging along to dinners or short trips when they wanted to include his kids too, but a lot of the time she'd just drop me at her friends place instead, she has this group of 4 best friends who are basically aunts to me, so it was never a big deal, I like them a lot Then slowly they started trying to blend our families more. his kids were never nice to me honestly, from the start. they have nicer clothes, better stuff, and yeah I noticed the difference, but I had my own friends so whatever, didn’t bother me that much

2 years ago we went to Switzerland for Christmas to meet his family. his mom, sister, brother, their spouses, kids. I said hi to everyone, was polite. his brother and his wife were actually really sweet to me but everyone else was cold. that night everyone was doing Christmas stuff together and I just sat there alone. we stayed over and my mom slept in a different part of the house, and I slept alone on a different floor. that was the first time I felt like something was really off

Over the last 2 years I’ve seen them like 8-10 more times and it’s the same thing every time, cold shoulder from his mom and sister especially, but they are SO warm to my mom. they include her in everything

About 6 months ago there was a family event and after, they did a family photoshoot. I was sitting outside. they didn’t invite me. they thought I didn’t notice but I did. my mom was basically in the center of the photo. when I told her that night she just said, "it was just a photoshoot, we can do one together if you want" and I mean. it still hurt. like no matter what I’m not really their family to them 3 months ago they got engaged, wedding is in September. before she said yes she actually asked me if I was okay with it, which meant a lot, and I said yes cause I do love her and I want her happy

It’s a big wedding, like 3 days, planning started since June. and since June I’ve barely spent 20 days total with my mom. she's always with him and his family now

I found out his kids have been involved in choosing stuff for the wedding, even the destination. they hosted a dinner for his friends and family and her friends and I wasn’t invited. they did a trip with his family last month, not invited. his sisters birthday/anniversary thing, big event, my mom went, I wasn’t invited It’s not like she completely ignores me, we did go on a trip together, we watched Spain play in the world cup together just us two and it was honestly one of the best days I’ve had with her this year. so it’s not like she doesn’t care but right now she’s in Cadiz with his family and last night I called her about something, and his sister picked up the phone and said, "she’s busy ill have her call you later." she never called back. I cried last night, I felt so stupid for crying but I did

I've told my mom how I feel before. I don’t even blame her for a lot of it, I think she genuinely feels stuck sometimes, like she can’t fix how his family treats me

But if this is how it’s going right before the wedding, I honestly don’t know what my relationship with her is gonna look like after. and I already don’t really have one with him

So I'm Thinking to Tell My Mom To Cancel the wedding until everything is sort out otherwise She will have No longer Relationship With Me

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Update #1: August 25, 2026 (one week later)

AITAH for telling my mom to cancel her wedding until everything is sorted out?

I posted about my mom's fiancé's family excluding me from everything and their wedding is planned next month. In my previous post, many people told me to talk to my mom and my future stepdad about how his family is excluding me, especially because I had already raised these issues with my mom 2-3 times before and told her how hurt I was.

So my mom and stepdad came back home 2 days ago and that evening I asked them if I could talk to them. We sat down on the couch.

First I told my mom and him that I'm happy that my mom found happiness again and that she is getting married again. I have no issues with that. But I'm not happy about how I'm constantly excluded from everything like family events, wedding planning (his kids are allowed to be involved in planning, but I wasn't), and how I'm constantly getting the cold shoulder from his mom and sister.

I told my mom that in the last 3 months I only spent around 20 days with her, and we only did one summer trip together, but she has done more trips and events with her new family. (I wanted to tell her exactly how it looked like from my side.) It looked like she was happier with her new family and I'm not a priority anymore.

Then I told her fiancé that his family is treating me badly. They don't even consider me family, and I'm scared that if this continues, after they get married they will completely push me out of my mom's life.

My mom told me she never thought I would feel like that. She said she was sorry I felt excluded and that she had just been extremely busy with wedding planning and all the events they were doing with friends and family. But she said she wasn't aware that his sister and mother were treating me like that. (I don't know what she meant because I've told her about this before too. Either she genuinely didn't understand how serious it was or she just didn't notice.)

She told me I'm her number 1 priority and that she loves me a lot. She started crying and hugged me. My stepdad told me honestly it was never his intention to exclude me, but he understands that I was kept out of some events in the last month. He said some of them were adults-only, but he was sorry and said he would talk to his mom and sister.

So honestly, I don't believe him at all. In the last 3 years, he has never really tried to create a bond with me. My mom has basically become like a mom to his kids and has created a really good relationship with them, while the effort from his side towards me has been bare minimum.

So of course I don't believe that he didn't know anything. And on the other side, my mom was so happy with her new family and didn't seem to care that much about how I was feeling. I felt horrible because this isn't the first time his family has excluded me.

I told my mom to cancel the wedding until everything is sorted out and until I feel like I'm still part of her family and she's still my mom. Because right now I genuinely feel like I lost both my parents. I don't have anyone. I feel like I'm just extra baggage.

Honestly, whenever I'm with her new family, I feel unwelcome and like I'm some extra thing that nobody actually wants there. I don't want to keep feeling like shit about my own existence. So I told her if she wants to marry him, I will go live with my dad's side grandparents. She should give up my parental rights to them and never contact me again because I will always remember what happened and I don't think I'll ever forgive her.

She started crying and told me not to talk like that. But honestly, I've had enough of this bullshit. They asked me to give them 2-3 days to think about everything because they can't suddenly cancel the wedding. The wedding is next month on the 19th.

But I told them this is my decision.

Yesterday my aunt told me I was extremely rude to my mom and that I was very wrong to talk to her like that. She said my mom still loves me and cares about me and that I should talk to her again instead of giving her an ultimatum.

Honestly, I don't feel bad about what I said.

Maybe telling her to cancel the wedding was too much. Maybe saying I'll never forgive her was too harsh. But I've been feeling like this for year, and I've already talked to her about it multiple times.

So AITAH?

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Update #2: August 27, 2026 (two days later)

After my last update, there were so many replies and honestly, thank you to everyone who took the time to comment. I read a lot of them, and it helped me think about things differently. Btw Sorry this is long one

So, yesterday my mom came to talk to me. We were at home, but she specifically told me she wanted to sit down and answer all my questions. This was before dinner and we ended up talking for about an hour

First thing she told me was that she is not giving up her parental rights to my grandparents, and she is not going to let me go live with them either. She said she loves me, I'm her only son, and there is absolutely no way she is going to do that.

Then she answered the biggest question I had. Yes, she is cancelling the wedding. She told me this is completely her decision and that the wedding will not happen until she knows I'm completely okay. She was very honest with me about what that decision means. Her fiancé was apparently 50/50 about cancelling, not because he doesn't understand my concerns, but because there were around 200 guests invited, €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) was being spent, it was supposed to be a 3-day celebration, and almost everything was already booked hotels, venues, vendors, everything.

His family was also strongly against cancelling. But my mom said she put all of that aside and chose me first.

Honestly, I never thought she would actually cancel it. Not because I think she's a bad mom. She's actually been a really good mom to me, especially after my dad died, and I know she loves me. My problem was that after the engagement I felt like I suddenly wasn't getting the attention I used to get, and I was being excluded from some things involving his family and even from some photography.

Looking back, I honestly think there was a power imbalance. I don't think my mom intentionally wanted to exclude me, but I think she didn't have enough power in the situation to push back.

She also cleared up a few things from my previous post.

About the phone call around 10 days ago when I called my mom, his sister answered the phone. She told me she would tell my mom to call me, but apparently she didn't tell her until the next morning. My mom said she was actually planning to call me back that morning anyway. So apparently that particular situation was completely his sister's fault and not my mom ignoring me.

She also had no idea about the cold shoulder from his mother and sister. She said she's going to speak to them and set boundaries. She can't force them to love me, but she expects them to at least be warm and civil toward me and accept me. She basically told me I don't need to worry about them because they're her in laws, not mine, and she'll deal with them

She also made me realise something Even if the wedding had happened, I probably would've only seen his family 2–3 times a year anyway Christmas dinner, maybe a family trip, and another event. His kids and I also probably wouldn't have seen each other that much because of their custody situation.

The original plan was actually for just me, my mom and her fiancé to live together in the new house they already bought. They were planning everything around the wedding, but the three of us would have been living there and most of the day to day attention would have been on us as a household.

She admitted that she excluded me from some events and didn't take me with her sometimes, and she apologised for that. She said it wasn't intentional and that wedding planning had taken over a lot of her time, but she accepts that it still hurt me She promised that from now on I won't be excluded.

Then she asked me about the new house. Her fiancé and my mom were already planning to move there from September. Obviously cancelling the wedding doesn't magically cancel the house, and she said she can't just abandon it. She asked if I was okay with him and her living there with me. I told her I need some time to process that.

I don't want to ruin her happiness. I've never been jealous of her relationship or wanted her to break up with him. I just didn't want to feel like I was being pushed aside.

She also told me something I didn't know about financially. Her fiancé had actually offered months ago to pay 50% of my school fees and other expenses going forward. It wasn't something my mom asked him for, and it wasn't because she depends on him financially. My mom earns around €250k–€300k (editor’s note: close to $300k - $350k USD) a year herself and is completely financially independent.

Apparently it was his idea because he wanted to take responsibility for me too. From now on, that's still the plan. Another thing she told me is that I don't have to attend his family's events if I don't want to.

For example, for the last 2–3 years we have gone to his family's Christmas dinner in Switzerland. From now on, if I'm uncomfortable going, I don't have to. She'll go because she still has a relationship with them, but we can have our own Christmas dinner at our new home Same with family trips and other events. She wants me to give them another chance, though. She said if I go with them again and they treat me the same way, exclude me or make me uncomfortable, she will personally deal with it and, if necessary, cut them off herself. She promised me that.

She also explained something about her fiancé Apparently he's quite introverted and hesitant socially. She said that's probably one reason he hasn't built a strong bond with me yet, while he has a much stronger relationship with his own kids.

She said that now that we're potentially going to live together, she wants the three of us to spend time together. Maybe going out for lunch, doing something on weekends, whatever. Not forced "father-son bonding" stuff, just normal things that might naturally help us build a relationship.

And she made one thing very clear It's his responsibility to build a relationship with me too. It's not my responsibility alone. At the end she asked me directly if anyone from his family had ever actually said anything mean to me. I told her honestly no. Nobody has directly said anything horrible to me. It was more the exclusion, coldness and the feeling that I wasn't wanted. She understood that.

Then she told me that if I had changed my mind about the wedding, I needed to tell her before evening. Otherwise, everything would be cancelled.

I honestly don't know if that was pressure or guilt tripping. Maybe someone will say it was. But she wasn't angry, crying or trying to manipulate me as far as I could tell. She seemed weirdly calm and almost relieved after making the decision And honestly...I feel happy again. For the first time in months I feel like my mom actually listened to me.

I never expected her to cancel a €600k–€700k (editor’s note: close to $700,000-$812,000USD) wedding with 200 guests because of me. I don't have proof that everything she told me is 100% true, obviously, but I genuinely don't think she was lying to me. At the same time, I'm feeling incredibly guilty. That's a huge amount of money. Hundreds of people were invited. Hotels and everything were booked. Her fiancé's family apparently strongly opposed cancelling it. I don't know whether I should be saying "yes, cancel it" or "no, go ahead with your wedding."

Because now she's also made so many adjustments the new house, boundaries with his family, school expenses, Christmas, trips, spending time together, making sure I'm included and honestly it's a lot to take in.

I also feel a little scared of his family now. If his own family was strongly against cancelling the wedding and apparently didn't like the fact that I was included in all of this, I don't know how they're going to react. I don't think they're going to physically hurt me or anything like that. I mean mentally/emotionally, I feel unsafe around them now.

And then this morning, during breakfast, her fiancé was here. He basically told me the same thing He said he didn't come to yesterday's conversation because he wanted my mom and me to talk privately without him influencing the conversation. He said he's not angry or upset about cancelling the wedding. He also said his mother and sister won't treat me coldly again or exclude me from things. And he repeated that they are cancelling the wedding until I'm okay. Part of me feels relieved because my mom finally heard me. Part of me feels guilty because of the money and everything they've already arranged. Part of me is scared about what happens with his family now. And part of me is wondering whether I should tell my mom to go ahead with the wedding anyway, because I never actually wanted her relationship to end. I just wanted my mom back.

Also I forgot to add, She suggested individual therapy and family therapy session together both of us

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update #3: September 7, 2026 (11 days later)

First, thank you to everyone who replied to my last post with so much kind advice! Of course, I also replied to some comments in anger just to express what I was feeling not at the commenters, but at my mom and her fiancé.

So many people asked Did my mom actually cancel the wedding? Yes, she did. I’ve seen things that confirm it's canceled. I saw some comments saying she won't actually cancel, or that she’ll secretly get married during a 3 day trip with her fiancé. Whether that's true or not, there’s not much I can do I can't spy on them. If she marries secretly, I'll deal with it when I find out and move out, but at least it will give me clarity

Here is what happened over the last two weeks

First, my mom took me away for a two day fun day out, just the two of us. We had fun and it was nice, though she was checking on me a lot not love bombing, but just acting a bit different, which honestly felt a little awkward. After that, she took me to a joint therapy session. We talked a lot, and I openly said everything I wanted to say. I explained how his family was cold to me and reiterated that I felt they would separate me from her if she married him. She assured me they couldn't and that she wouldn't allow it. She admitted it was her fault for not seeing things clearly before, but said she wants to rebuild everything better. She asked me if I would be willing to give them another chance if they treat me well, and I said okay.

Then I asked her if the wedding was really canceled, and she said yes. She said she didn't feel guilty about it, but mentioned they might talk about a wedding around the New Year or next summer only if our relationship is okay and I feel good about it. Otherwise, it won't happen anytime soon. She hasn't left my side or gone anywhere over the last two weeks; things have returned a lot to how they were before.

As for her fiancé, he picked me up from football practice and dropped me off at school. Both my mom and her fiancé took me out to dinner on Saturday. I've been busy with school, so I haven't been able to be involved in as many things or post an update sooner

I haven't seen or heard from anyone in his family his sister, mom, or kids. Only his brother and sister in law called me once to chat casually (they were the only nice ones to me in his family)

Few things confusions from when my post was shared in another subreddit I already knew my mom and her fiancé bought a new home in May and renovated it to shift into after the wedding. I even got to choose my room and design it however I wanted, which I did. It's a really nice house and I like it (We where almost shifted)

What I didn't know was that my mom's fiancé has been contributing 50-50 toward my school fees and other expenses. I only found out when my mom told me recently.

Some comments mentioned my mom's salary. Even though she earns $250k–$300k, I said we weren't 'rich'.I didn't mean that in a bad way! Her fiancé's house is just much bigger, and he and his kids have things we don't have. My mom makes enough, we are comfortable, and she takes good care of me. She has always been kind and sweet, though she changed a bit over the last 1–2 years

Regarding going to her in-laws' family for Christmas, I don't know how that will work. I might have to celebrate Christmas without my mom from now on, though she wants me to attend events or trips with them. We'll see how it goes, as things still aren't great with his family

Last week, we moved into our new home before school started. It's just the three of us living here: my mom, her fiancé, and me. It's pretty much the same, but I feel shy around her fiancé since he's new in our household. He tries to talk to me, helps me with my studies at night, drops me off at school, and picks me up from football. It's not bad, but I'm just shy. I don't know how to introduce him if someone asks as my stepdad or my mom's fiancé because I don't want to sound rude

Honestly, he is nice to me, talks to me, and spends time with me just like my mom does. He was never rude to me, even if he didn't try as hard to spend time with me in the past while his mom, sister, and kids were cold toward me. I feel a bit guilty now, wondering if I went too hard on him unnecessarily

A few more things have changed at home. My mom added new rules I have to knock on their bedroom door if it's locked instead of walking straight in like before, and they do the same before entering my room, which I really like. She told me her fiancé isn't replacing my dad, but he is an adult/parental figure in the house when she isn't around. For example, if I go out, I have to let him know, and if either of them calls me while I'm out, I need to answer. Before inviting friends to our new home, I just have to inform either of them not to get permission, but just so plans don't clash if guests are visiting. Her fiancé was also added to my school's parental contact list alongside my mom.

Anyway, it's been a week of living in the same home. It feels different seeing another man in our house he's not my dad, of course. It feels a bit uncomfortable seeing my mom hugging him or giving him quick kisses, but it is what it is. Things are going okay for now. They are giving me time and attention, which is true. I was never against my mom finding love again or getting married, and I'm still not

I wanted to post this yesterday I actually wrote it last night, but I remembered a few things I forgot to add! Anyway, I'm posting it now since it's still morning here

Relevant / Top Comments

OOP responds to a long thread, needing to fight for Christmas with his mom, and regarding the situation on how the fiancé might be introverted or OOP's mom forcing her fiancé to bond with him

> OOP: Actually, both could be true: he might just be simple and introverted, or my mom could be forcing him to form a bond with me. One thing is certain he isn't toxic or authoritative. It could have been much worse, judging from the last two weeks > > He drops me off at school, and yesterday evening he picked me up from football practice. He even bought me ice cream and took me to see his new office, which is currently being renovated. I actually felt good about it, not bad at all. He wasn't the one giving me the cold shoulder it was his family. I’m actually spending more time with him outside than with my mom right now, since she’s so busy with work > > It will probably take another two weeks, but I will eventually ask both of them again > > I'm a bit shy. I joined a new football club back in May, so a lot of people there don't know about my family setup. When he came to pick me up, someone asked right in front of him if he was my dad. It was an awkward, shy moment I didn't know what to do that time, but I just said, Yeah, He didn't correct it either. So it's not a bad thing, but dealing this new dynamic makes me feel shy lol > > As for my mom, she is back to how she was two years ago the good version of her.

Commenter 1: Just read all your posts and good for you for sticking up for yourself, your mother clearly wasn’t. If they have been together for so long, they should have been including you way before now, and that is on your mum and her fiancé. As for Christmas, I’m sorry, your mum is just going to ditch you for his family if you don’t want to go?!! Wtf! Why can’t he ditch his family for Christmas and spend it just the 3 of you or include his kids too?

The whole we’ll get married in the new year or next summer is not going to work in your favour. That means his family and her fiancé only have to keep up the pretence for a short time then everything will revert back to how it was. Most people struggle to keep a mask on for a long time, so the sooner they get married the sooner they can stop pretending, and they will. Get them to hold off getting married until you are 18 at least because once they are, you’ll be excluded again, but at that point you can walk away and create you own life with your paternal grandparents.

Regarding the fiancé paying 50% of you school fees- that has nothing to do with you, and should never have been discussed with you unless they are using it to guilt you, or he is using it to guilt your mum into doing stuff his family wants.

Your mother sounds somewhat selfish in that she was happy to choose the lavish lifestyle knowing she had deliberately chosen to exclude you from events because his family didn’t want you there, and the fact that you had informed her they were cold to you before and she still chose them. The fiance would have also been aware this was happening too- they are not blind to it but hoped you wouldn’t kick up a fuss. I think the strongest argument you put forward that changed her mind was saying you’d live with your paternal grandparents and asked her to give up her parental rights- and although I do believe she loves you (she cancelled her wedding) that would have made her look terrible and would have been a stain on her new families image.

Don’t feel guilty about cost of the wedding- they will have got most of their money back and what they didn’t would have been chump change to them. Weathly people have financial savviness and would have had contracts and insurance.

Good luck in you life, I hope it works out and your mother and fiance actually keep their promise of putting your feelings first.

Commenter 2: I am very happy for you, but I still don't buy that her excluding you was unintentional. It's just not possible to have a family event and forget your own child. Maybe she was coerced, put under pressure, but she absolutely knew she was doing it, and doing it deliberately. She may feel shame about that, and she should, but acting like it was an oversight completely avoids the real cause and doesn't address it. Like I said in reply to your first post, watch what she does, not what she says, to prove that you are now put in primary importance in her life and not just avoided like you were.

Commenter 3: Regarding Christmas with his family, seeing how things have changed for the better, I would allow one last (emphasis on the last) chance at an interaction with them (on Christmas or earlier, it doesn't matter)

As for the interactions with his family, pay in mind that you do have some resentment toward them for how they treated you so realistically, bettering the relationship with them will take some effort of forgiveness pn your part, I would however expect apologies and a genuine effort to include you.

Now, you might resent them enough to not even want to try for a relationship with them, and that's okay, giving it one last chance wouldn't take very long but would request genuine efforts from you too.

Either way, wouldn't take it lightly if my mom were to spend Christmas with them instead of me if I were in your situation.

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Chemical_Job7027

Originally posted to r/TwoXChromosomes

My bf says he can't finish because I'm "too loose" and I can't stop thinking about it

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, emotional manipulation!<

Original Post: September 6, 2026

I'm 19F and my boyfriend is 19M.

we've been having some issues with sexual compatibility because I can usually orgasm during sex while he has never been able to with me (only with hand).

i brought this up recently because I was starting to wonder whether there was something we were doing wrong or that he could possibly have an issue he didn't want to tell me.)

He told me that apparently this has never happened with his previous partners and that I'm the only person he's been with who he can't finish with. 💀

Then he said that he thinks it’s because I'm not tight enough and that I'm basically "too loose" for him.

I know he was probably frustrated and insecure because I brought up the fact that he never finishes, and I also understand that the conversation probably made him feel bad. But hearing him specifically say that my body is the reason he can't orgasm has really gotten into my head.

I keep thinking about it now and wondering if there is actually something physically wrong with me or if this is just one of those things where two people can have different sexual compatibility.

Just in case for context, I haven't had any children or anything like that and I've never been told that there’s anything unusual about my body. My ex partner never had a problem regarding this matter.

Has anyone else experienced something similar??? Is it actually possible for someone to consistently have trouble orgasming with one partner because of how "tight" or "loose" they are or is there probably more going on here??

his comment has been stuck in my head ever since

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: His gorilla grip is not your problem.

Commenter 2: One of two things…he needs to stop choking it so hard or perhaps he’s too small 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Commenter 3: You’re 19. End it. This type of shit is just not worth it, you can’t fix stupid and rude.

Commenter 4: A guy I dated in my early 20s said that to me once and more than two decades later I still regret ever sleeping with him again.

I’d focus less on what might be wrong with you and more on asking yourself if the way he treats you is satisfying for you.

Not everyone is sexually compatible without effort, but blaming things on your partner’s body is never okay.

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Update - I broke up with him: September 7, 2026 (next day)

hey everyone. I wanted to give an update since so many people commented on my previous post and were really supportive.

Yesterday (a couple hours after the post) I checked his TikTok following list and found out that he was following over 50 girls who had OF accounts or were basically posting extremely sexualized/fetishized content, specifically focusing on very exaggerated bodies like enormous fake boobs.

I couldn't sleep today knowing this info 🫠 but I didn't want to message him or call in the middle of the night.

I never paid attention to his following list before because I genuinely never thought he would be that kind of guy (and also because he was following more than 1300 people, I was just lazy lol). But yesterday I felt like checking it for the first time.

This wasn't the only issue in our relationship but it has definitely added a lot more to the way I was feeling about the relationship and the "loose" thing (still can't believe he said that).

When I put these things together I realized that I've lost something I don't think I can get back: my respect and admiration for him. I may love him or care about him but he's definitely not the person I want to build my future with.

So I ended the relationship today by call. I feel relief instead of sadness, which I think is a good sign.

He was pretty offensive calling me names and it hasn't been a mature breakup at all. I won't get much into it. Just basically he said I'm calling him a porn addict and that it's really offensive when I sent him a screenshot of some of the TikTok accounts. He also said that I'm throwing it all away just because of those accounts and the comment he made about my vagina weeks ago. Honestly this would have made me doubt a month ago but today? I was too disgusted, sorry.

Also we had an issue with a girl in the beginning of our relationship because she was too close to him and it was obvious that she had intentions with him. He blocked her when I told him I wasn't feeling ok with him feeding into it. Guess who's the person that has sent me a follow request after the breakup and then has deleted it immediately after? I'm talking minutes after the breakup lol which means he has immediately unblocked her after it. Idk if she did that on purpose but to be honest I don't really care.

Just lol and moving on.

I also really want to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and reassured me that my body wasn't the problem. I genuinely appreciate it.

Reading all of your comments helped me step back and realize that there was much more going on here than my body somehow being a problem

Thank you <3.

Editor's note: OOP didn't leave any comments in this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/WideCorners

Originally posted to r/AITAH

Previous BoRUs: #1, #2

[OLD NEW UPDATE]: My daughter just contacted me after 17 years asking if I want to meet my granddaughter. AITAH for telling her that I don’t care about her or her daughter and to never contact me again?

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Thanks to u/Direct-Caterpillar77, u/soayherder and u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Thanks to u/arifault and u/smartquokka for letting me know about the old new update

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a child, physical abuse, infidelity, verbal abuse, parental alienation!<

RECAP

Original Post: June 28, 2024

I am not sure if am I an AH. Going to provide some background.

I am in my 60s now. I was married to my ex-wife, and we had a daughter. Our marriage was going through its ups and downs, but I was really close with our daughter. But as our marriage was going through its difficulties, I made a huge mistake I still regret to this day. I started having an affair with my coworker. She was in an violent physically abusive relationship at home. We became friends at work, and things just escalated from there. She got “an out” from me, she got the support she needed to file for divorce from her husband, who is currently in jail now. The affair went nowhere and we called it off shortly after, but I was glad that she got off her abusive relationship and that she was safe.

But when my ex-wife found out about the affair, things expectedly didn’t go well. She lashed out and said a lot of horrible things about me to our daughter, who was 15 at the time. I admitted full fault with the affair, but even after the divorce, I sensed that the distance between me and my daughter was growing, until one day, my daughter said she wasn’t going to speak with me anymore, and she was going to cut me off from her life forever. That was the most painful thing anyone had ever said to me. I begged her to please reconsider. I still remember that day.

But time passed on. My daughter kept her word, and after trying to connect with her for the first year, I gave up. I found out from one of my mutual friends that my ex wife married a great guy. I was happy because I was hoping that would remove the hatred from my ex-wife and my ex wife would advise our daughter to at-least rekindle a relationship with me. But that never happened. I moved states a year later.

I am at peace now, but still have some aching sadness. I have retired. Both my parents have passed away, my brother passed away tragically a couple of years ago. To be honest, I am waiting for my turn. I have only my dog and my sister left.

A couple of hours ago, my daughter called me on my phone. I haven’t spoken to her in 17 years. I instantly recognized her voice, but I didn’t feel anything. No happiness, no sadness, just indifference. She was crying a lot on the call, and we caught up on life. She’s married, and she has a daughter who’s now 12. She apologized for cutting off contact, and she says her mom asked her to reconnect with me, as her mom felt guilty about how everything played out. She said she really wanted me to meet her daughter, and her daughter was constantly asking about granddaddy. But, I wasn’t feeling anything. After we caught up on everything and our life, I told her I don’t care about her or her daughter, and to never contact me again. I then hung up.

Was I the AH?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP received the majority of YTAs, with few others.

Top Comments

Commenter 1: This is one of the most obvious YTA posts I've seen here, good fucking lord.

Commenter 2: Well, it's already been said, but you're the asshole.

Commenter 3: YTA I hate when adults make very bad adult decisions that affect their children and then blame the children when they respond in a very child-like manner. Your daughter was a teenager. That is a rough time for kids even when their home life is stable. You gave her one whole year before you cut bait and gave up on her. Then you moved away. You told your daughter that she wasn't important enough to fight for and she believed you. Now that she is an adult with a child of her own, she has reached out to you and you again told her she wasn't important to you. She now knows she was probably right to cut you out the first time.

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Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update #1: June 29, 2024 (next day)

UPDATE: Look, I was extremely drunk last night. The words which came out of my mouth weren’t the best, and my comments on my post weren’t great either. Seeing how everyone said I was the AH, I decided to call my daughter again an hour ago. I didn’t really expect her to pick up the call but she picked up immediately. I apologized for last night, and she said there was no need to apologize. I then sent her a link to this Reddit post on messages, and told her I know I was the AH, and thousands said so. She again said I wasn’t the AH. She started crying again.

I told her she’s free to come to my house anytime the next 4 months, because after that I will be leaving the country with my sister and our dog. Our parents left us a nice farmhouse in their home country, and we will be spending the rest of our lives there.

I sent her my address on messages, and my daughter said she’d come with her husband and her daughter by end of next week. She asked if she was welcome to stay there for multiple days, and I told her she could stay for however long she wanted, as our house was spacious enough.

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Update #2: September 17, 2024 (2.5 months later)

I have moved to the farmland, and am looking forward to spend the rest of my life here with my dog and my sister. It is peaceful and scenic.

My daughter did come by to visit me with her husband and her daughter before I left the country. It was really nice seeing my granddaughter, who looked a lot like her mom. They stayed over at our place for a week, and we had a good time.

However, it got a little sad when I told my daughter in private I had no interest in being a grandfather, and just didn’t have strong emotions for it. I think those words really stung her, and my daughter did cry a lot after I said those words. My daughter wanted to rekindle our relationship, but it’s just too late now. I told my daughter she’s free to visit me in the farmland anytime she wants and the house is always open, but I doubt she’ll be visiting anytime soon. The week she stayed over at my place before I left the country was a final goodbye for us. She has my number, but she hasn’t called or texted since she left, and I haven’t called or texted her either.

That’s the update for the many interested, this will probably be my only update.

Comments

Commenter 1: I’m definitely about to be an outlier here based on these comments and I’m going to stick to it. Based on the original post from 81 days ago, where not surprisingly most people called you TA, not only are you TA, you are a deadbeat selfish father, and a cheater. You made your bed, you had a child, and then cheated on your wife. You then blamed that child for your disgusting betrayal.

And this is about to be odd after calling you TA, but I am proud that you decided to speak up and tell the truth. No child deserves to have a father who loves her so little, blamed her for his mistakes, and now refuses to see her or his granddaughter because of his mistakes. Thank you for at least being honest that you are a terrible human being and not wasting her time.

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#----OLD FINAL NEW UPDATE----

Editor's note: the final update is over 1.5 years old, and it has not been posted onto the sub here

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a child!<

Update #3 (unddit): March 13, 2025 (nearly six months later from the previous update)

There’s no easy way to say this, so I’ll just go ahead and say it. I hadn’t planned on making any update, but last week, my daughter called me to tell her daughter had passed away from heart complications. My daughter was crying a lot on the call, and I felt like someone had just shot a hole my heart. She told me her daughter had wanted to come see me again or at least speak to me, because she really enjoyed spending time with me the week she was at my house. But my daughter told me she was scared to reach out to me because I had sad to her I was not interested in being a grandad.

I feel like a hole has been punched into my heart, and I think I will live with this guilt the rest of my life. I regret not having a bond with my granddaughter, especially knowing now that she really wanted to form a bond with me. I just wish I could speak to her again. I will live with this sadness and black hole the rest of my life. My granddaughter was really sweet and kind and I hope she’s in a better place.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this final update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/daydreamernightmares

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA if I (f28) got steralised against my fiancé's wishes?

Trigger Warnings: >!death of a child, possible coercion!<

Original Post: September 6, 2019

My fiancé (31m) and I (28f) have two girls aged 4 & 2. Last year I had a stillborn baby daughter. I said I never wanted to be pregnant again. It hit me really hard and I've never known pain like it.

Apparently, your super fertile after a loss and I ended up falling pregnant immediately after our loss and I'm currently 8 month pregnant with a boy. Something my fiancé really wanted.

I hate being pregnant. Never enjoyed it. I hate even more how long I've been pregnant due to the back to back pregnancies. I'm miserable and I never want to be pregnant again.

In the unlikely event the baby I'm carrying now does also die I never want to be pregnant again. If the baby lives I never want to be pregnant again. I honestly can't explain how much I hate being pregnant. I love babies, children etc. Not pregnancy. My eldest two girls and this baby are all c sections which is tough. I gave up work to be a sahm but I'm looking forward to when this one starts school and I can get back to work.

I hate how sick, tired and achy I feel. I'm short tempered with my other children. I'm fat and saggy. I poop constantly. My mental health's taken a complete beating - I've been in counselling for nearly a year now and feeling better though.

Anyway. My consultant offered to cut my fallopian tubes during my next c section making me infertile. I said yes of course, just check with my fiancé.

He is very against it. I don't feel comfortable doing something permanent that affects him too without his support but equally I’ll never forgive him if I fall pregnant again.

He says I'm making a decision based on anger that's I've essentially been pregnant for 14 months now.

WIBTA if I agreed to be steralised - taking away also his choice of having any more children - because that's what I want?

Also to add, we've discussed me using the coil but there's no birth control that's 100% effective.

Edit: this has gotten more attention than I thought it would. I haven't had the chance to read all replies yet as been doing kids baths dinner etc., still need to get them to bed so will read every reply later. Just to answer a few questions that have come up so far. I wasn't sure how much info to add in my original post to not be rambly.

Fiancé had always said as one of 4 he loved the madness and would want 4. I always said 4 was too many but we said we'd see how we feel after 3. We had never anticipated a still born and that steralisiation would be an option.

This past year he's been my absolute rock. He also lost a baby, but he had to hold it together while I fell apart. He's a fantastic father. This isn't a walk away from our family matter.

He's a bit of a stereotypical man in that he doesn't do talking about feelings, this is how he's always been and I accept that. He has so many other fantastic qualities. An example would be when choosing the music for our daughters funeral. He simply refused to pick. It upset him too much. You could say this is an ass hole move, however while I sat inside crying he was outside on the trampoline with our other 2 young children making them shriek with laughter, protecting them as best as he could.

I know in a way this is above this sub, because he's not an asshole, but I didn't want relationship advice. I just wanted to know if I would be crossing a line by doing it without his full support.

If I say I'm getting it done, he won't stop me. But he will resent me. If I don't get it done, I will resent him.

His main concern is that its extra surgery with extra risks. Second that I'm not my usual self (I'm not - I am a raging hormonal mess, with a dose of ptsd, anxiety and depression to boot thanks to our loss - however I have a fantastic counsellor and things have greatly improved). Third he says there's other forms of contraception that isn't permanent. Forth is my age.

And I've had 2 c sections. 1 emergency, 1 planned. Our stillborn was delivered naturally as she was premature and small so not the same risks. I have my third c section booked for the end of the month. I need to give an answer on Wednesday if I want the tubal tie at the same time and we are still in disagreement, so one of us will be upset. I wanted to see if I was being an asshole for choosing my choice, of permanent steralisiation over his suggestion of the coil.

So far it seems from comments that I'm not and I really appreciate all the replies. I will read them all xxx

Edit 2. Guys I was asking if I would be an asshole not if fiancé is an asshole and I'm beginning to feel very protective over him with some of the comments. I'm not a baby factory in the same way he's not a sperm doner. We love each other and respect each other we just have a difference of opinion on a huge matter, and we've ran out of time. Whilst I'm really pleased it seems everyone is agreeing with me he's a good guy too. Everything he does is for us. He's hardworking, loving and fun. He helps me with the kids after a day of manual work. He does baths and the park. He rubs my back, sends me off for baths when I ache. Let's me sleep in, or nap due to pregnancy tiredness.

Leaving us over this wouldn't of even entered his mind nor is it a concern of mine. We survived a stillbirth while raising 2 other young children, as a team, filling their life with joy despite the pain. We can survive anything if we've made it through the last 18 odd months x

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NAH. This is hard, and I think this sub has a lot of young and very idealistic users. It sounds like your husband isn’t being an asshole about this.

At the end of the day, the user consensus here is that it’s your body, so it’s your right. Which is absolutely correct, but it’s a narrow view of the situation. He’s wanted 4 all along. He doesn’t have a right over your body, but at the same time he has a right to feel disappointed about this decision. He’s also right that you’ve been through a lot, and that people can change their minds. But at the same time, you know your own mind and your own body better than he can. There are no easy answers here. You aren’t being an asshole whichever way you decide.

One thought on a potential compromise. It would suck for you to have to undergo another surgery, which is why it makes sense if you’re getting sterilized to do it during the c section. What if you agreed with your husband to wait and see if you still feel the same way a couple months after the new baby is born, and if you do, he has to get a vasectomy?

> OOP: I've tried to avoid answering about a vasectomy. So... My dad had one about 5 years ago and turns out had discussed it with my fiancé a long time ago, how sex never felt the same and he regretted it. Fiancé won't get the snip based on this x

Commenter 2:

> I know in a way this is above this sub, because he's not an asshole, but I didn't want relationship advice. I just wanted to know if I would be crossing a line by doing it without his full support.

The only one who can tell you that is your husband. You need to have a really long conversation with him.

In my opinion it is not, if and only if you've exhausted every honest way of trying to convince your husband. And, you need to accept whatever consequences that come from it.

May I ask, do you have to do it during your delivery, or could you wait a few months?

> OOP: No I don't have to, and can wait a few months. I was told I could try the coil for say 18 months than if I still wanted to be steralised I could, but it'll be a separate operation. Which forms a part of his argument against it. I just want it done to be over with and peace of mind I am sterile x

Commenter 3: NTA but INFO: What kind of birth control have you used before getting pregnant with your son? Condoms? The Pill? IUD/Implant?

I can't comment on the "apparently you are very fertile after a loss" because I don't know anything about fertility, but if you use two kinds of birth control effectively (say, condoms+pill), the chances of you actually becoming pregnant afterwards is near zero. This, of course, relies on the things being used properly. Even with just one method, it's a very, very small chance. Yes, it does happen, and yes... you can't guarantee it the same way you CAN guarantee with sterilization, but from your post it sounds to me like you haven't tried any birth control at all.

You could get the coil IUD, which physically blocks sperm from entering the uterus. For safety, could also use a condom or spermicide, but it would be VERY effective and reversible on the off-chance you change your mind (even though we all know you won't.) This might give your fiancé piece of mind.

Ultimately, it is your decision and your body. It is your mental health.

> OOP: In answer to your question we actually didn't use any. > > 6 weeks after my daughters labour I was still bleeding and a scan showed I had retained placenta, so I had to have an operation similar to a termination. Bled for 2 weeks and was in the doctor’s office 6 weeks after that saying my periods hadn't returned and we discovered I was pregnant again. We had sex once in that 6 weeks. No one had brought up contraception to me, and with everything going on it wasn't something I thought about. > > Before children and In between I was on the pill, and it never failed. The termination like procedure, of being scraped out, is what I later learnt made you super fertile. > > However, the difference in how I view that 99.8% effectiveness has changed hugely. Someone has to be that small percent, and it COULD be me. That messes with my head. > > He's still on my previous thoughts off, that's a very small percentage and likely won't be us. I think he hopes I'll go on the less anxious me I was before and avoid permanent and invasive surgery x

Commenter 4: NTA, but you need to make your reasons to him very clear and have a long talk about it. It is a decision that will affect you both, but ultimately, it is your body, mental health, and wellbeing on the line.

If he doubles down and insists that you don't do it, it may be time to reconsider the relationship.

Edit: lol, holy shit, reconsider does NOT mean just up and end it, people. It means reevaluate, and that's only if compromise cannot be met in any form. Some of you are raising extremely good counter arguments! Some of you are personally attacking me. How nice.

> OOP: Wow this threads gone somewhere else. I know everyone's commenting well-meaning, but he won't leave me or our children over this, and he honestly doesn't treat me like a baby factory. He's a wonderful partner and father. We're not wed yet as I do want a Typical white wedding, but we got our house and children first. When I return to work when the kids are all in school that will be our wedding fund. He's not a monster, he would rather I used alternative, less invasive and permanent forms of contraception. We survived a still born baby with 2 young kids to care for, we will survive anything :)

Commenter 5: I thought this was going to be some kind of Child-free vs wanting children thing but you're already 3 kids in.

I think NTA but it's going to be a pain point if you can't get on the same page. > > Commenter 6: 4, the still baby counts, OP bore her and birthed her, she carries her loss. I agree she’s NTA, absolutely. > > > Commenter 7: c'mon this really isn't something to nitpick about > > > > edit: I can see now that asking people not to nitpick over such a deeply personal issue only serves to encourage more nitpicking. my bad y'all I was trying to be compassionate > > > > > OOP: Wasn't sure which comment to reply to but it's OK, no offence taken. Sometimes I say this is my third child and other times I'll say 4th but we lost one. Depends on the situation. Child loss is an uncomfortable conversation let alone say in the supermarket checkout when I’m asked by a well-meaning stranger who's observed my large belly. However, if my 4 year old hears me say it’s my third she will scold me and tell the person all about her sister in heaven. X

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Update: November 26, 2019 (2.5 months later)

Editor's note: OOP posted the update in a different thread

Hi! That's really sweet of you. I have been meaning to post an update but newborn sleep deprivation I haven't gotten round to figuring out how to do it.

I still hadn't made my mind up when I went into labour the night before my planned c section. As they was wheeling me to theatre I said no I didn't want it.

In a twist, it turns out my insides are a mess of scarring. They struggled to get our baby out and I was open for much longer and picked up an infection but nothing major just made recovery harder. My consultant told me she wouldn't of been able to tie my tubes even if I had requested it as there was too much scarring she couldn't reach them and also strongly recommended that we have no more children as my body really couldn't take it, but steralisation isn't an option for me.

My fiancé sent me a lovely message when I was still in the hospital saying our family is complete and how proud he is of me and grateful for bringing our babies into the world.

It worked out for the best that it couldn't be done as I can't blame him for my last minute 'no' decision so no regrets or resentment on either side.

We have a gorgeous little boy, who's 8 weeks old now, but on a downside he has just been fitted with a Pavlik harness. Not the end of the world, he's alive and healthy, but he's like holding a plank of wood :( so really missing my proper baby snuggles.

No longer pregnant I already feel like my normal happy self-coming back, I've come off the anti-depressants too and back to playing and having fun with my kids and I'm able to finally close the chapter on my life of losing my girl. I'll never forget her and still think of her often and my 4 year old still talks about her often and draws her in our family pictures but I'm able to detach myself emotionally for day to day life.

I feel like I've been given a big bear hug over the Internet tonight to know there's people out there wondering how I'm doing and wishing my little family well. Thank you xxx

+

Forgot to add though, it turns out having your tubes tied at the same time as a c section comes with a risk of the tubes fusing back together, thus giving it the same prevention rate as the coil or other forms of contraception. I’m having the Merina coil fitted in a few weeks and I'm going to track my periods and ovulation and double down on my fertile week with condoms too lol x

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/FirmSomewhere4907

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for ending things with a date after she kept different rules for different guys?

Original Post: December 12, 2025

It's as the title says. I (26M) have been going on dates with this woman (25F) since the last two months. We haven't talked about exclusivity since things haven't gotten that serious, but we have mutual interest in each other, so we kept going on dates.

In the same time period, I have also gone on dates with a few girls, but I didn't feel the spark to continue the dates with them. So, at least for myself, I stuck to this girl and hoped for the things to fare well between us.

I knew that she's also seeing someone else and she was transparent with me about him. I haven't met him, but I give credit to her for being open about the current state of things between us and around her.

At the beginning of our dates, she mentioned she was looking for a serious relationship and needed time to engage in any sexual intimacy until she found that comfort and space. I agreed to that and was okay since I don't have a high libido these days.

The other day, we finally engaged in sex after close to two month period and during post-sex conversations, I got to know she has engaged in sex already with the other person she's seeing. I know it's none of my business, but I tried to get more details about it.

She was also going on dates with this other person since the last 2.5 months and she has already engaged in sex with him. I am not bummed about the number of times they had engaged already but rather the timing of the first one they had, which was around the first week or so after they met.

I tried to be open and progressive about all this, but I felt bad I was made to wait for a couple of months, not to compare but I felt like I was being treated as a second choice. I played it cool at that point of time but since then this kept nagging me a lot and my ego/confidence took a hit somehow if that makes sense.

I contacted her yesterday and told her how I am feeling and just blocked her, I didn't wait for a response, nor I was looking for one to safeguard myself and my emotions.

AITAH for doing so? Is this how the current dating space looking like?

Edit: Adding more reasons around why I felt hurt and did what I did.

At the beginning when we met for the first time, she was upfront about seeing me and that other person at the same time. And when asked about her views on sex and what she was expecting, she mentioned she liked to wait until she felt comfortable. I didn't press more on it, I felt she was judging who can be the best one for her.

Even though I went on a few dates with other girls, nothing ended in sex. I am kind of a person who also needs a bit of connection to do it. The only reason I did this, is to realise whatever spark I felt for this woman is real or not, which I have realised sooner and stuck to this woman ever since.

It's only after I had sex recently with this woman, I got to know all these details. Initially, I felt that I and him were held up to the same standards and she was feeling a similar attraction (which in hindsight is wrong and naive of me to think so) with him and I. But post reveal, I didn't feel like that is the reason. I felt she wasn't that attracted to me physically at least (note that I tried to initiate sex a few times before but stopped when she asked for some more time). So, knowing she was already intimate with that other person and that too she could do that in the very first week after knowing him, bruised my ego and confidence.

So, this led to me thinking I was the second choice all along which I wasn't comfortable with.

Edit 2: I posted an update post with more explanation: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/IiI2rGAw0Z since some are spreading negativity here. Thanks to those who provided good advice. I wish you all well.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA for ending it, but the blocking without a response was a bit abrupt. You’re allowed to walk away from a situation that makes you feel like a second option. Even if she didn’t do anything “wrong,” different rules for different people can still hurt, especially when expectations around intimacy were explicitly discussed. That’s a compatibility issue, not a moral failing. Where this could’ve gone better is closure — saying your piece and then stepping back is fair, but blocking immediately can feel more like self-protection than communication. Still, you listened to your gut and removed yourself instead of staying resentful, and that’s healthier than forcing yourself to be okay with something you’re not.

> OOP: Your point is fair. > > I wanted to protect my sanity and any conversation post that would give me more information to process about her thinking and why she chose to do that with me. > > I am fairly confident but that would still sting and make me question a few things. At least, I learned a lesson, and I now know I am not comfortable with this type of dating approach.

OOP responds to a long thread regarding several factors of feeling entitled and feeling like he is the second choice

> OOP: It is a combination of those factors. > > At the beginning when we met for the first time, she was upfront about seeing me and that other person at the same time. And when asked about her views on sex and what she was expecting, she mentioned she liked to wait until she felt comfortable. I didn't press more on it, I felt she was judging who can be the best one for her. > > Even though I went on a few dates with other girls, nothing ended in sex. I am kind of a person who also needs a bit of connection to do it. The only reason I did this, is to realise whatever spark I felt for this woman is real or not, which I have realised sooner and stuck to this woman ever since. > > It's only after I had sex recently with this woman, I got to know all these details. Initially, I felt that I and him were held up to the same standards and she was feeling a similar attraction (which in hindsight is wrong and naive of me to think so) with him and I. But post reveal, I didn't feel like that is the reason. I felt she wasn't that attracted to me physically at least (note that I tried to initiate sex a few times before but stopped when she asked for some more time). So, knowing she was already intimate with that other person and that too she could do that in the very first week after knowing him, bruised my ego and confidence. > > So, this led to me thinking I was the second choice all along which I wasn't comfortable with.

Downvoted Commenter: Great question. You'll get different answers here (and you already have). But it sure seems to me like you were applying the rules of monogamy to a non-monogamous context. That non-committed period is tough and activating, and brings up a lot of old wounds and primitive reflexes. That's totally normal. But our job is to learn from them, not react to them. Until you two had agreed to commit, how she dated outside of you was none of your business, and vice versa. Your openness with each other was rare and healthy. Without knowing the rest of the details, that alone makes her sound like a keeper to me. Sorry bro.

> OOP: She seemed great, but I didn't like being a second choice. Based on our conversations before, I felt she was feeling just as attracted to me as she was feeling to him. But after that, I didn't feel it was the case. > > That reveal didn't make me feel good. In a way, I made things easier for her if she wanted to pursue that guy even more.

Commenter 2: When I first started dating my now wife I asked whether we were exclusively dating or dating others and “seeing where things to.” Fortunately she said exclusive as I prefer this as well.

It’s best to get that convo out of the way quick. If you prefer one person at a time dating then there’s nothing wrong with that, just means you won’t be compatible with those that have other preferences.

> OOP: Thanks for this advice. But it's a tricky one to ask for it in the beginning of the 'seeing phase'. But saying, 'I am comfortable with seeing one person at a time' makes things more clearer than just labeling as 'exclusive'. A lesson learnt. Thanks again.

Commenter 3: Sorry but YTA. She said she wouldn’t have sex until she was comfortable, which is exactly what she did. Time doesn’t equal comfort. Did it occur to you that maybe the other person made her feel comfortable quicker than you did?

You’re not an AH for wanting to end things if you didn’t want to date someone who also had sex with someone else, but your attitude makes you a bit of an entitled sounding AH tbh. You don’t get to decide how long it takes for someone to feel comfortable enough to have sex with you.

> OOP: Even though what she did might be right in her perspective. I was put under the wrong belief that she was waiting in both of our cases which I should have confirmed and not assumed from my end. > > She didn't tell this information BEFORE we had sex. I would have not gone forward with that because she's finding the other person more attractive and comfortable (perhaps?) already. > > I am sorry, I was in this for this far knowing I had a fair shot but after knowing I am the second choice for whatever reasons, I couldn't recover from it. > > She doesn't owe me sex, I am not entitled to it. But she did owe me the full truth before which she didn't tell me. > > Also, strangers here or anywhere else don't get to gaslight me into accepting this situation and pretending to be okay with it while I was feeling uncomfortable.

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Update #1: December 13, 2025 (next day)

I didn't want to post an explanation for my previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/SBdMP7tMOs as an update but seeing how some of the people are trying to assassinate my character, I felt the need to do so. I shall call the girl in this context as 'Theresa' and the other person involved as 'Nick'.

Theresa and I met each other on a dating platform a fortnight after Theresa and Nick have met each other first. When we met for the first time, we discussed our shared interests and even our views on sex and dating in general. Here's where I will admit I should have followed up with more questions but since it being the first date, I didn't do it.

The question I posed to her at that time was, 'What's your view on sex and dating?' to which she said, 'She won't engage in that until she's comfortable with it and generally likes to take time.' Since it was our first date, I took her words at face value, and I thought she was a similar person with regards to how I view the same. Relatively yes, it differs from person to person, but I took her answer objectively and whatever she's following the standards/rules with me, I felt it was the same she's following while 'seeing' Nick.

I want to emphasize on the 'seeing' part because not always it is associated with being sexually active with the other. That was my understanding and based on her previous answer about her view on sex, I took it as she was also taking time to consider things with Nick. I will again concur and accept it's my mistake to assume such.

It was her idea (a casual one) to me that I could also 'see' other people and experience how things would be like to decide who's going to a better partner. It was a suggestion without malice, and I did as mentioned in the previous post, went on a few dates with a few other women. But as iterated there, nothing ended in sex.

Some people seemed to take this as a loophole and tried to hit on my character saying, 'he would've done so, had he felt the spark'. YES, I WOULD HAVE! But I would have been exclusive to this person and stopped seeing others. That's the difference! Unfortunately, I didn't hit it off with those and I felt a stronger spark/connection with Theresa and continued going on dates solely with her.

I would want to clarify here, I have told this update to Theresa. And I also mentioned I didn't engage in any intimacy with them. It was her opportunity to come clean with the sexual intimacy part she has got ongoing with Nick. She didn't reveal. Either, she might have thought I already knew this or she deliberately hid this part from me (more on this later).

So, for the next one month or so, she was seeing both Nick and I, and I was under impression, things were going well between us. I didn't ask how things were going for her with Nick since I am not entitled to that information. But I will say, I did initiate sex a few times during this time period (I know I said I don't have high libido but doesn't mean it's exaggeratingly low, as some cleverly tried to pick on it and use it against me. I do have my needs and in general, twice or thrice a week, I had to take care of it by myself :) ) but she insisted she needed more time. I felt it was the truth and didn't push on it more.

What changed my perception around everything is when we had sex finally at my place recently and post which, I was feeling very raw and praising her a lot at that time. That I felt happy she chose me (I naively thought she picked me over Nick). Here's where she slowly let myself know about the state of things with Nick and how they are already sexually active. I did ask her a few questions around the subject and I put it together indirectly that she did it with me because he was out of station for the past few weeks.

I have no qualms about her past sexual life, it's her present choices that bothered me. That bruised my ego and confidence. Obviously when Nick is taking care of those needs for her and when she's already connected to him on that level, things would be slower than usual with me.

I will say it again. This made me feel I was the second choice all along. I could've gotten more details had I pressed on it, but we had to sleep that night, it was already late and she left early in the morning for work purposes.

I had time to sit down and think it through and when I posted the previous post, I didn't want to touch on her obvious disparities and possible manipulation tactics to keep me at bay. I could have gotten closer to the truth, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to ruin the image of her in my mind.

Hence I put in a message, a very lengthy one, a very vulnerable and honest one that I don't want to share her and cut her off by blocking her.

More than her tactics or behaviour, i would like to think it's more the circumstances that worked against me. So, that's that. I don't want to hear any more on this topic from any of the negative commenters here.

Hopefully, down the line, I can share a happy life update. If you have read thus far, if you were one of those who shared good advices to me, thank you. I wish you all well.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Unfortunately if you’re a male and exhibit any type of behavior that would hint towards you having a shred of self-respect and boundaries, then the online freaks are going to come out of the woodwork to attack you.

> OOP: You are right. That's why I put this post up, but I still received negativity. > > I generally don't wish the worst on my enemies, if those are not understanding how bad I am feeling about this, then they can only experience it for themselves to realise my situation.

Commenter 2: You’re not wrong in feeling this way and blocking her was definitely the correct choice. I know I’ll probably get downvoted to hell over this, but I do think she should have told you she’s actively sleeping with another person before sleeping with you. People are allowed to do whatever they want but it also includes giving the other partner informed consent. You were under the impression, based on her conversations with you, that she wasn’t sleeping with others. This is how STIs spread and she didn’t allow you the respect (or consent) to know that she’s actively sleeping with someone else before using you. At the end of the day, she knew you were interested in more and she wasn’t. She slept with you because her main option wasn’t available. It’s gross.

> OOP: Thank you for saying this out loud. I felt a bit deceived that I didn't have consent. I would have not gone forward with sex had I known this information.. > > I am still getting some flak over here, saying, I needed sex, sex, sex... > > No, it wasn't that. It was how she handled that. It was how she became a gatekeeper when it came to me. It was how she omitted the truth when she had chances to tell me so before we had sex. > > Considering everything, I am not saying some part of the blame doesn't lie with me. I accepted it, I owned it. I am also not saying the entire fault lies with her. The circumstances just sucked and I had to learn the lesson the hard way. > > For those, who are calling me names for not giving her closure in person or in communication, my peace of mind is first and foremost to me. And, I am not sorry about prioritising it over her closure.

Commenter 3: She has her right to be connected to whoever she wants, sexually and/or otherwise.

However, you certainly have the right to not feel like someone's afterthought.

You're not an arsehole here.

Commenter 4: I do not understand how people can date and be sexually active with multiple partners at the same time, and expect to find a meaningful lasting emotional monogamous connection with a future partner. She was purposefully unclear because she liked both of you and didn’t want to have to pick one. However her being in emotional and sexual relationships with both of you at the same time devalues both relationships. You have every right to feel how you feel. If this is her idea of how to build meaningful relationships you can do much better.

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Update #2: April 12, 2026 (four months later)

I have a positive update. I forgot I had this account here, lol.

Yeah, I don't have anything to update about her. Post that, she didn't try to reach out to me in-person, not that I hoped or expected.

I took some time away from the dating scene and met this amazing girl Amy a couple of months ago. We made our relationship official just last week.

I learnt my lesson from the previous experience and am happy that I found the girl I am looking for.

Thanks all for giving your inputs last time. I turned 27 yesterday, and oh wow, what all she did for me...It made my day :)

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Glad you dodged that bullet and found someone who actually values you! The right person will always show up differently - no confusing rules or games, just genuine effort. What did she do for your birthday? Also congrats on making it official, that timing worked out perfectly

> OOP: Thank you! > > Yeah she's an Asian who fits my values completely. She was burned badly in her previous relationship. Her ex was a douchebag. She's a total sweetheart, loves me abundantly and has a fierce side when someone becomes mean to me. In bed, she's a giver. I sometimes have to excuse myself to make her stop. She can't stop holding or clinging to me, lol :) > > For my birthday, she took me out to the Chinatown, made the staff where we ate food celebrate my birthday in a Mandarin song, the staff were so generous with the portions, lol :) > > Then served me a cake she baked for me at her place, and the delivery of the gift was insane! She has these creative ideas that make me go absolute bonkers for her. > > She wrapped herself as a gift underneath her hoodie and kept hidden treats wrapped over her pink laced lingerie. > > Man, I am getting chills just thinking about it, lol :) > > I want to keep the rest of this special memory as private. But you can guess what happened afterwards :) > > Edit: The downvotes, lol :( > > It's fine, I have this amazing woman to focus on, this doesn't matter :)

Commenter 2: You did the right thing. She had different rules for different guys. You were on the way to becoming her next 'free food guy' who got duty sex once a year in order for her to keep you hooked while she lived her best life. When you said that the whole situation setup was her idea, I knew what was coming next. People will downvote you because the stuff about women being perfect, infallible, helpless beings that need to be saved by men on Reddit. I'm glad that you found happiness.

> OOP: Yeah, you are right. > > I have found my happiness, my current gf has found her happiness in me. We both are head over heels for each other. > > Some people are unable to digest what my current gf is doing for me, lol :) > > I am doing just as much and more for my girlfriend. What others think about us doesn't matter.

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Final Update: July 23, 2026 (three months later)

This will be the final update and a happier one. I just remembered I still had this account from a while ago. I don't plan on coming back anytime soon.

For those who followed from the beginning, there's no update regarding Theresa. At that point, I have completely cut her off, which is best for both in a way.

Things are going extremely well between Amy (my current girlfriend) and me. I even got to meet her Asian parents recently, and they received me very well.

We are still early in our relationship in terms of the timeline, but we complete each other so very well; we are very sure in our minds this is the one that is meant for us. We are currently living together and so in love with each other :)

I extend my thanks to those once again who shared their well-advised inputs when I had this conundrum with Theresa. I learnt my lesson there, and now I am grateful for having Amy in my life and vice versa.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP