u/Choice_Evidence1983

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/throwRA_495848

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!grief!<

Original Post: August 8, 2026

I really need help here. My (22M) gf (26F) has a really rocky relationship with her family that’s she’s been desperate to repair. There’s been some improvements and she was invited to her brother’s birthday party over three days in another country. His birthday party is tomorrow, which technically is only a few hours from now since it’s so late at night for me in the moment, but I found out her old hognose is no longer alive. We knew he’d pass soon anyways but it’s still heartbreaking. I cried for a while, I only stopped crying a little bit ago.

Would it be wrong for me to not tell her? She’s had this snake since she was eight, and has broken down for hours at a time thinking of losing him. I’m afraid if she finds out tomorrow she might be inconsolable and wouldn’t be able to enjoy her brother’s birthday and I don’t want this is affect her relationship with her family or make amends more difficult if she doesn’t attend his party or causing a scene there.

I’m not planning on hiding his death forever or anything, just letting her know after the celebrations. I feel conflicted on it. If I’m wrong please let me know, I don’t want to be a bad boyfriend here, but I don’t want to ruin her reunion with her brother.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: NTA but She would probably feel betrayed if she found out you hid it from her. I think she would appreciate it more if you told her immediately. Maybe some approach like "hey I didn't want to ruin your mood before the celebrations but..." But that’s just my opinion tbh

> OOP: Yeah true. I’m just scared I guess. I feel like I’m doing Gus dirty somehow, don’t know why.

Commenter 2: NAH you are in a tricky situation and there is no right answer.

If you plan on telling her the snake died after the party (as in death and telling her) - could you live with that secret?

If you plan on telling her after the party that the snake died beforehand - is she going to appreciate, based on your knowledge of her, you making that decision for her?

> OOP: I think if I don’t tell her immediately, I have to be honest and tell her that I withheld the information. I think she has a right to know when I keep something from her you know?

Commenter 3: YWNBTA. Holding off for a day so she can enjoy her brother's event without spiraling is valid, especially since she is out of the country and cannot do anything about it right now anyway. Just tell her gently as soon as the celebrations are done.

Commenter 4: YWNBTA, but be prepared that you'll probably be "the bad guy" in this situation whatever you do.

FWIW I think you're right to prioritise the living family relationships for the sake of 36 hours or whatever.

&nbsp;

Update: August 12, 2026 (four days later)

Update: WIBTA if I hid my gf’s Snake’s death from her for a day?

I took into consideration what you people all said, and I decided I’d tell her when he passed, and I’d tell her I kept it from her. I didn’t want to say my reasons for doing it because I didn’t want her to internalize any responsibility for this. I was afraid she’d take some responsibility mentally for like giving me a reason I felt I had to do it even though she shouldn’t, so I avoided it all together.

So, I told her when I picked her up from the airport. I decided she should hear it in person, and while I was there. I explained he passed already and I had kept it from her. The ride home was completely silent and when we got home we put him in a box we had for this situation and buried him.

The only thing she said to me was that she still loved me, but she didn’t like me right now. I told her I understood, and if this was too far and she didn’t want me around temporarily or permanently I would understand. She nodded and we didn’t do anything for a while until I made dinner, and we both broke down at the table. Gus was a grumpy little dude, but I miss him, and it’s still hurting.

I asked if I should sleep on the couch or something and she just told me I’m a dead man if I sleep anywhere but in bed with her, so hopefully I can comfort her more. I don’t regret what I did, and if that means she hates me tomorrow morning and we’re done, I can live with that, as long as she got to connect with her family again. I’m not sure what else I can say, so thank you for all the advice, sorry to any of you who have advice I didn’t take, thank you for spending time to help a stranger out either way. All love for you all, you’re sweet people. Stay helpful as ever.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Give her some time to grieve. Personally, I think you did the right thing with the best intentions, and she’ll probably realize that too once she’s had a bit of time.

And I’m so sorry for your loss, it sounds like Gus lived a very full life with so much love.

> OOP: I hope so, we certainly tried.

Downvoted Commenter: Saying “I don’t like you right now” to your partner over this is rude and unnecessary. OP did literally nothing wrong,

> OOP:: I don’t hold it against her, Gus was family.

Commenter 2: I'm so confused

so you just told her “yeah I kept your snake dying from you and intentionally didn’t tell you the previous day but I’m not gonna tell you why”

this “I refuse to tell her why I did cause I don’t want her to internalize it” sounds like some pseudo therapist redditor tried setting you up for failure. why wouldn’t you tell her your intention lol

> OOP: I told her that I wanted to say it in person and be there to support her, but I didn’t make any mention of the party or anything like that.

Commenter 3: This is sadly a situation with no good outcome but seems to me that both of you did your best to handle this

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am not OOP. OOP is u/endless_pastability

I asked my bf for alone time, and he told me to pack my stuff and leave for good.

Trigger Warnings: >!controlling behavior, anger issues!<

Original Post: April 25, 2020

Okay, the title does seem a little one sided.

Context: My boyfriend (29m) and I (30f) have been dating since last summer. I live alone in an apartment in downtown DC, and he lives alone in a house in Annapolis about 40 mins away. Pre-quarantine, we did well will splitting weekends between the two places. Once states closed for COVID, we decided it made most sense for me to temporarily move in/stay with him in the bigger space with a yard for the dogs.

As you might imagine, it’s had its ups and downs. We were getting a crash course in living together in a space that wasn’t really mine at all, having lots of important conversations, enjoying evenings cooking together and having wine while watching shows together.

We’ve also been irritable due to drastic changes in our daily routines. I have continued to work full time from home (+ overtime due to an even busier schedule) while he is only working a half day once a week. He is bored. I am stressed with work and finding it difficult to decompress. I am used to/need quiet time to myself to recharge, and he likes a noisy household (TVs always on, music on top of that, chattering constantly about sports or draft statistics or things only of interest to him). I’ve tried saying “I’m going upstairs to read” or “I’d just like some quiet time to myself” and it bugs him that I don’t want to do things that he wants. I find myself becoming more snappy and short-tempered from feeling constantly drained, which isn’t fair to him.

Last night he wanted to watch the NFL draft, so I made plans to FaceTime my girlfriends upstairs while he did that. I am used to weekly girls nights and miss them as they’re also my primary support network. I heard him downstairs complaining to his dog that I never want to hang out with him. After Face Timing I went down and sat on the sofa with him and said, “hey I heard you talking to the dog, I came to hang out, how are your team’s picks doing?”. He was irritable and replied, “ugh it was quiet until you came down”. I’m feeling like I can’t win.

Alright; getting to the point now. I hadn’t been to my apartment in over 3 weeks and needed to go check on it (it’s not in a building, it’s in a row house) and pick up prescriptions I couldn’t have transferred. We were originally going to go together but seeing this irritation with each other I suggested I’d just go alone and take a night or so to myself to recharge and come back.

COVID NOTE: I do not have to interact with anyone to access my apartment. My car already had ample gas. I literally drive from his house to my street, am alone in my apartment. Any exposure to no-contact takeout I would have gotten is the same as if I were there with him.

This morning, when I grabbed some necessities for a night to myself (my laptop because I have to work over the weekend, some underwear, face moisturizer) he got upset and said I might as well take all my stuff and not bother coming back. I tried to talk through why it was so all-or-nothing for him. He said I clearly didn’t want to spend time with him or be around him so I can just go home for good and we can resume dating when the states open back up. He actually bagged up the remainder of my stuff and took it out to my car for me.

Reddit, I just wanted to read in silence, get my medications (anxiety pills), water my plants, sleep in my own bed alone for a night, watch my own trashy TV shows without interruption. And now I think my relationship is over? I’m feeling frustrated that I attempted to handle this in a productive and proactive way and somehow screwed up.

TLDR; boyfriend said if I wanted a night alone I should just take all my stuff from his house and continue to stay alone through the rest of quarantine (no added exposure risk). I’m confused with his all-or-nothing approach.

So, what do I do from here?

EDIT: wow, this post blew up. THANK YOU for such thoughtful and thought-provoking commentary. I’ve felt really supported and “seen” by a lot of these replies. I’m still reading through and responding to comments but wanted to provide a quick update re: some things I keep seeing pop up.

I am home in my own apartment, alone. He has not contacted me. I spent yesterday drinking wine, cooking, listening to music softly, Face Timing girlfriends, caring for my plants, and reading a good book. (And checking reddit of course). I am not crying or sad. I feel comfortable and at ease in my space again.

While bf is not working, he is still being paid his full salary.

While I am currently working a lot, I normally have a much healthier work-life balance. Some big deadlines happened to coincide with and be exacerbated by the pandemic. it’s only temporary (a few weeks of hellish hustle). I was very clear with my boyfriend before this upswing started, and let him know I was going to be a lot busier and would appreciate his support extra for a couple of weeks until things settled down again.

Many of you have brought up quality time. I have attempted to express my desire for quality time to him. Things as blunt as “let’s hang out together tonight, what should we do?” Or “We’ve been sort of coexisting, let’s plan to do something together more like quality time.” Perhaps I wasn’t resonating with his communication style. Sometimes it would work and we’d have a nice dinner and watch a show together etc. and other times it would end in frustration and not go anywhere.

In regards to the mattress thing, I am hearing all your replies about how it just wasn’t important to him, so he didn’t want to compromise. It took my having a very dramatic hysterical emotional breakdown after nights of no sleep for him to realize how important it was we find a solution. That breakdown was loud and ugly on my part and not a moment I am proud of. It came after numerous “I’m really not sleeping well, I need more sleep than you do, can we work something out so I’m more comfortable” conversations.

I am in therapy and understand I am a highly flawed human with dramatic emotional tendencies as well. I do not always communicate well. I consider myself very self-aware and make concerted efforts to require my default actions to create a better life for myself and my loved ones.

And, finally, you are all not wrong that I have a low bar for thoughtfulness. It’s not really something I’ve ever experienced in a relationship.

Editor’s note: OOP provided lots of responses, I am listing the significant details for more context to the said situation

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Sounds like spending time apart is not the worst idea, go home and decompress and let him reach out. > > OOP: Exactly my plan! Currently having a glass of wine and cooking some gumbo in my sweats playing my favorite music softly. > >> Commenter 2: If he does contact you, please be objective about the things he says. Gaslighting is insidious. Also try to notice how you feel. Unless you are filled with joy by the sound of his voice, and he is passionately sorry and says he will take care in future to better consider your needs, DO. NOT. SETTLE. >> >>> OOP: I haven’t really been upset tonight. Maybe it’s just because nothing has been officially decided (despite knowing the likely outcome) but usually lack of closure in situations heightens my anxiety and turns me into a sobbing depressed mess. I’m just weirdly calm and unemotional about it. Maybe that says something in itself.

OOP explains more about the plans of living together when she and her boyfriend are ready to take the next step and the importance of decompression after workdays

> OOP: The DC/MD thing has been a point of contention since early on. He made it very clear that he would NOT be moving into DC when our relationship hit that milestone, and that I was expected to move to Annapolis as his job wasn’t as locationally flexible (I work from home 3 days a week in normal life as it is) and he already owns a house and wants to stay near family. According to him, Annapolis has everything DC has and we can still walk to bars and restaurants and get to have more space! > > I tried reasoning that I make more salary-wise and have a lot of growth potential, so it would make sense to cater to my career versus his. He claims he doesn’t have the skills to get another job (he works for the family company). > > Jeez even typing that out I’m wondering why in the ever living fuck I put up with that. > > I’ve had past boyfriends expect their jobs to come before mine... but they were making over twice my already comfy salary so while it was annoying and patriarchal it at least monetarily made sense in those instances.

OOP clarifies on the working schedule she and her boyfriend has and him wanting to stay near his family

> OOP: Hahahaha!! To clarify, I work a full 40 hours but am not required to be in a specific office every day - I have flexibility depending on my clients and meetings (pre-COVID) to often work from home some days while only going into an office on some days. He also normally would work M-F (half days on Fridays though) and cannot work remotely at all due to the nature of his work. So he’s right in that technically I have less geographical ties to my job. > > + > > I moved away from my home state after college, so I am “used to” not living near my family. My family has never had the financial capacity to provide for me like his does for him into adulthood. Not that they are inadequate parents — I love them dearly, but I don’t “need” much from them and have a robust emotional support network via friends (my “chosen family”) so I’m more comfortable with the distance between me my parents. > > Also, AGREE on the restaurants. There are some local spots in Annapolis I like but the DC variety cannot be beat. Also, like... the architecture. History. Museums. Night life. Diversity of humans to interact with (in non-quarantine situations). All worth more to me than a fenced in yard.

OOP responds on setting boundaries with her boyfriend

> OOP: Thank you for such a helpful reply! I struggle with setting boundaries and grew up with a really unhealthy conflict dynamic in my family, so it’s difficult for me to set a boundary calmly and before I am already feeling it crossed. This was one of my most mature and calm attempts at doing so thus my feeling discouraged and frustrated. > > He is used to getting his way. Past things we’ve been able to work through give me hope that he is capable of understanding and adapting, but his initial reaction when he doesn’t get his way in a situation is really off putting and a trend that I don’t see changing. > > I’m going to do some reflection this weekend. Thank you.

OOP explains more on her boyfriend's family background

> OOP: He comes from a well-off family and is, from my lower-middle-class perspective, spoiled. We both lead similar lives now, but how we got here is very different. I moved away after college, have been financially independent since college, put myself thru grad school, and worked very hard for my ambitious career and apartment in a city I adore. He works for the family company, still lives one town over from his family, gets a lot of nice perks from it all. A few specific examples: > > His family owns season tickets in club seats for NFL games for their team. This past fall I was lucky enough to go to a few games with his family- his father hands him and his brother a credit card and allows them to run their bar tab for the entire game on him. One particular game his aunt was using two of the tickets and sitting in his preferred seat, so we sat two seats over. He complained the entire time. > > His parents sent us hundreds of dollars’ worth of groceries this past week. He complained for over an hour (and even called his mom about it) that ground beef wasn’t included (despite us having every other meat legally butcher-able in the US in the freezer) > > He has an extra-firm mattress on his bed. I hate it. Even he doesn’t love it. I couldn’t sleep for weeks, and resorted to sleeping alone in the guest room. He was upset that I wouldn’t sleep with him despite my saying I couldn’t sleep on his mattress and asking if we could get a topper or somehow make an adjustment. (He eventually agreed to split the cost of a topper with me, but it took weeks to get to this seemingly simple resolution). > > He is not always selfish. He can be incredibly thoughtful and generous. (A few examples of that: giving me one of his two bedroom closets, making me a work-from-home space in the basement, bringing me coffee in bed some mornings, not sleeping with the TV on anymore because I can’t, giving me an entire bathroom in his house to use on my own so we don’t have to share). But it’s a tossup which side of him I’m dealing with in any given instance. > > (Edited to include that I really like his family and him being so close to them was one of the things I initially liked about him. I feel like I may seem bitter towards his family in the post.)

Commenter 3: Let's be serious though. If you had to objectively quantify the benefit that he brings to your life, what side would he sit on in that ledger? Has your living standard increased - or are you more anxious, getting poorer sleep, eating worse, having less time to exercise, or living in an environment that's less comfortable or fit for socialising? Do you experience more pleasure or relaxation, or don't you? Is the sex good, or is it just "not terrible"? Is his conversation enriching and challenging and compassionate, or is it slightly more intimate small-talk? Are you materially better off with him, or are you scraping neutral (or worse, losing out)?

Be objective. Actually look at what you can do alone versus what you can do with him. Bad relationships aren't just the abusive ones: more often than not, they're just wheel-spinning inertia with a dude who's not objectively a bad person, but who contributes no value to your life at a huge cost to your time, efforts, emotional labour, money, or opportunity cost of doing the things or people you'd rather be doing.

> OOP: Such a valid point. I have loved the life I built for myself. When we first started dating I told him as much — that I was not looking for someone to complete my life. That I very much had a fulfilling life I’ve built for myself and if someone was going to be my partner in it, it would be because they added even more to it. And honestly... taking a brief objective glance, some aspects of my life are better with him. But some parts are just more frustrating. I spend more money. I drink more on weeknights. My sex life isn’t much different with or without him. Which I suppose should say a lot in that single sentence. > > But some part of me fears that I have become too adjusted to my single life my way, and that I am doomed to live and die alone if I can’t bend enough to fit someone else in. that worry that nothing is perfect, and maybe I’m just not trying hard enough. > > (I’m in therapy to discuss this more in depth.)

How does OOP's boyfriend behaves when he stayed at her place?

> OOP: He respects my space and my preferences for it. He does often make “jokes” that complain about inconveniences. For example, that I don’t have cable so he can’t watch the news, or that my bedroom has much less natural light than his, so he always oversleeps. My apartment is considerably smaller than his house and so I keep it incredibly neat because it can feel cluttered quickly so he’s good about containing his stuff knowing I don’t like it strewn about. I’ve given him as much space in it as is physically possible (closet space for some clothes, bathroom storage for basic toiletries.

Commenter 4: You go home, work from home, and in a day or so contact him and have a calm conversation.

You figure out if you guys can work it out or not. You've also discovered that living together, at least for the foreseeable future, is not going to be...conducive to your relationship.

He seems... clingy, to be honest. I couldn't live with someone like that - where you can't even have an hour to yourself without them demanding your attention.

> OOP: Yes, that’s my hope. I was not ready to move in and was very (politely) clear about that early on in our relationship. I’ve lived with an ex before and it ended miserably, and I had to rebuild my entire life. I didn’t want that stress on this relationship, and so he knew living together was only an option after engagement (but that I wasn’t expecting/asking for that any time soon and was willing to move at his pace on that if he respected my cohabitating boundary). We both knew temporary “living together” because of COVID would be vastly different from eventually actually living together in a space that was equally ours where we also had our own lives in addition to each other. > > If he was hoping to fast-track living together because of the COVID situation and was disappointed that it didn’t, this “tantrum” has only reinforced my “no cohabitating until engagement” boundary.

How did OOP make her decision on not living with the significant other until the engagement?

> OOP: I attribute it to a couple of things. > > 1) I moved in with an ex a few years ago without that commitment. I was all in — I changed my location, career, etc. and reworked my life to make it happen. It ended up being an abusive relationship and I stayed far longer than I should have because I felt trapped in the life I’d built with him. It took me two years to rebuild my life again. > > 2) I can be a fast and furious person in the dating world. I’ve considered moving in with men much sooner and looking back was glad I didn’t as it didn’t end up lasting. > > All that being said, I am willing to put in the work and effort to dig deep before engagement to figure out compatibility. I suppose there are situations where I would be flexible to exactly when, but in the situation with the current boyfriend, I’m not. The amount I’d be compromising doesn’t make sense without the lifelong commitment locked in. Sort of the idea of once we’re committed in marriage, we’ll have to resolve the squabbles because there isn’t just some other apartment I can slink off to. > > I do think it’s important to travel with and spend extended time with significant others though. I completely understand where you’re coming from on wanting to vet the living situation thing first.

Is OOP's boyfriend in therapy?

> OOP: He is not. He supports my being in therapy but “doesn’t think it’s for him”.

Commenter: He sounds pretty trash tbh. Does he make any attempt to do things you enjoy or is it always stuff he likes?

> OOP: I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I was very into yoga when we first started dating, to the point where we’d talk about going to a class together as a date. It didn’t happen, despite a few opportunities he was never up for it due to feeling uncomfortable/unfamiliar with it. my practice fell off, but I’ve been doing more at home practice during quarantine. He finally agreed to try 20 minutes with me and seemed to enjoy it. > > He also once agreed to go on a short hike with me and seemed to enjoy it/had mentioned after that he’d do it again. The opportunity just never really came up again. > > We both share a love of food and going out to eat and try new places was a common date for us pre-quarantine. I love cooking and he has used quarantine as a chance to reconnect with his skills and practice a bit more. We will cook together often. > > I have a feeling these are small potatoes though, and based off of other comments of my low bar for thoughtfulness this probably doesn’t amount to showing MUCH interest in things I like that he doesn’t already have some sort of stake in (being active, liking food).

&nbsp;

Update: June 10, 2020 (over 1.5 months later)

Well, as a likely shock to no one, we (me, 30F and him, 29M) broke up. It wasn't as swift as some comments encouraged... we reconciled after he insisted he hadn’t meant to end things and had overreacted out of emotion. We gave it another shot living in our own places again for a few weeks. Things went well enough, but unresolved trust issues became exacerbated as I was not in his physical proximity as often and he felt insecure about the distance between us.

Ultimately, a few weeks after reconciling we ended up in another argument after dinner one night. There was once again a very disproportionate reaction to a situation that should have been more calmly communicated about, and I realized if we reconciled again I'd be in the same position a few weeks later... it had become an exhausting cycle.

We aren't in contact this time. He found the original thread I posted and was (understandably) hurt by what I wrote and for not sticking up for him. I am sad, mourning ending the relationship, and feeling bad for hurting someone I care about. Frustrated that it was so messy, that it didn't work out, etc... just taking things a day at a time and trusting that I made the right choice (which is hard when there's no answer key for life to check against.) Send your most encouraging and hope-restoring love-after-30 stories.

TL;DR: we tried again and then broke up.

Edit to add context/clarity to the first paragraph.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m sorry you’re sad now, but I can assure you it will pass. You’ve made the right decision, and it doesn’t mean that either of you are bad people, just not compatible.

As for the 30s, it’s actually super weird but all of my closest female friends, including my sister, found their amazing partners in their early thirties. After struggling with douchebags/ people who are not the best for them/cheating FIANCÉS in their twenties. I think it’s something to do with finding your own comfort zone, accepting yourself finally, communicating your needs/boundaries and in general less fucks given about other people and their opinions. I wish you luck and honestly I’ve no doubt you’ll find a great partner as just as I’ve said, 30s is where it’s at! > > Commenter 2: Any self-aware, self-respecting woman with a good heart will learn from bad relationships and quickly spot bad partners afterward. they will also be better at finding the good ones, and if they are good ladies the attraction will follow. It's almost as if life experience makes you wiser ;) > >> Commenter 3: I understand your sentiment, but please be more careful with your words in the future. To be a victim of abuse (be it emotional, physical and/or any other type of abuse) is something that can happen to ANY self-respecting, educated adult individual with a good heart. That's actually the malicious part of abuse: you CAN NOT realize it until you're in the thick of it, and by then the damage is already done. It's something extremely hard to understand if you're lucky enough to have no experience with abuse. I said the same things you said, because at that time I was completely blind to the fact I was actually in an abusive relationship myself. I'm still undergoing INTENSE therapy to heal from that two years later. I was so used to being abused, almost all my partners of choice were actually abusive, I just literally didn't know any better, despite my educational level. >> >>> OOP: Excellent point! I have a history with abusive (physically and emotionally) relationships and in both instances it took time and distance and a LOT of therapy and reflection to understand.

Commenter 4: Don’t be discouraged! It’s possible to find love at any age! All of that “if I’m not married by the time I’m in my 30s, I’ll be an old maid” shit is tired. Now is the time to fall in love with yourself. I truly believe if you focus on loving YOU first, a healthy romantic relationship will follow when you’re ready.

> OOP: Thank you! I feel like on many levels, 2020 has completely torn apart my universe and said, "LOOK AT YOURSELF, look at all your emotional guts and preconceptions and notions and dig through it all and really look at what you've been carrying around your whole life thinking it was important." And now I have an opportunity to pick up what is ACTUALLY important (about myself, about how I spend my time, who I spend it with, and how I interact with and stand up for others in the world) and move forward. Here's to wading through that mess.

Commenter 5: He found the thread, read the comments, and his takeaway was that he was mad you didn't fall on the sword for em?

I don't think you're really missing out on much.

> OOP: Wait it gets better he found THIS thread and COMMENTED in his defense( and then deleted them and his entire account). Is not even Reddit anonymity sacred anymore?

Commenter 6: I mean if my family gave me a job I barely had to show up for and a house and season NFL tickets I wouldn’t want to quit and move to DC either damn.

> OOP: You have a point, he did have a pretty sweet setup. I was also offered a similar family job by my own father (our families happen to have companies in similar fields in different states) but have continually turned it down to pursue my own thing. Sometimes I wonder what my life might be like if I’d chosen that path. Mostly, although I love my father I could not work for him and stay sane, so I did admire my ex’s wonderful relationship with his.

Downvoted Commenter: Where you screwed up in all this is not accepting the fact that he broke up with you.

I went back and read the first post; he kicked you out. You two were done. Why did anything continue after that?

Let people dump you. Seriously.

As per who was right or wrong or all that that’s a red herring. It’s unimportant. Being incompatible with someone is enough without it becoming a question of morals.

You want my advice for dating after 30? Learn to listen to your partner. When they say you’re done, you’re done.

> OOP: Things continued after the initial post because he spent over a week vying for me back, insisting kicking me out was a mistake and he hadn’t meant to end things with me. So, I believed that and tried again.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAstressedbride

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

My (F26) fiancé (M28) and his family refuses to have a wedding in my culture although they want a Christian wedding. What should I do?

Trigger Warnings: >!religious intolerance, racism!<

Original Post: December 15, 2020

This is my first time posting here, so sorry if there are any mistakes.

So I am an Indian Hindu. I was born in India, I even lived there for a few years, and I still practice my religion. My fiancé is white and Christian, although we never had religious differences. Neither of us were pushy about our beliefs. I am very connected to my culture, and I heavily feel like I am ethnically Indian although I have lived in America nearly my entire life.

My fiancé proposed to me a few months ago, and I was excited to start planning my wedding, because I have had ideas for it ever since I was a child. Then, obviously, COVID hit and all of this was put on the back burner, because we're both healthcare professionals.

Nowadays, however, I have just started thinking about some elements of our wedding (such as possible outfits and venues, etc.) to destress without any concrete confirmations. I love looking at Indian clothes and traditions, because it's my heritage. I grew up with it my whole life. When I pointed some of these things out to my fiancé, he just stiffened a bit and nodded that it looked great. I was a bit confused, but I brushed it off. I was talking to my in-laws last weekend (we have a pretty good relationship), and I casually brought up my ideas because we were talking about the wedding anyway. They immediately shut it down and insisted that such things were not a part of their culture and against their religion. I tried to explain to them calmly that we would still have a Christian wedding, but this was just for the separate, Hindu wedding. They said that it was "blasphemous" to be worshiping and marrying in front of "false gods" and that they wouldn't tolerate such thoughts. They called my culture dysfunctional and unnecessary, and they said that the Christian wedding was enough. I was so shocked by their reaction, because they seemed so nice and tolerant before.

I told my fiancé about what they had said, and he didn't even disagree with them. He said that I'm just overreacting, and that at the end of the day we would still be married one way or another. I tried to explain that having an Indian wedding was a big deal to me, because that's my culture, and he said that when I would marry him I would change it anyway. I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

I was so hurt and shocked that he would want me to abandon my culture and beliefs for him. I told him that such a thing was never going to happen, and that I am not going to change who I am just because I'm married. He got frustrated with me, and said that India was a poor, uncivilized nation that I should be happy to dissociate with. Moreover, he said that Hinduism was too confusing and complicated, and therefore it could not be real, because there's no order. What? I love being Indian, and I am not ashamed of it, and I enjoy being Hindu as well.

Apparently, his parents were only okay with me being Indian, because I was raised here and because I would convert. They just seem to think that by changing me, they'll go to heaven or something. I feel like this is so out of left field. One day, they're all nice and accepting and now they're bigots? I don't understand what's happening. We've been together for nearly four years, and I've never seen this side of him. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. Everyone has told me my entire life to get married by a certain age and have kids by a certain age, and starting over now seems scary. What should I do?

TL;DR: My fiancé and his family are being very intolerant towards my culture and beliefs, and they want me to convert after marriage. I don't. What should I do?

Edit: I feel like I should make some things clear here.

1. I haven’t talked extensively with his family, so I didn’t know about their beliefs or anything. We met each other maybe 2 to 3 times a year and they were perfectly nice then. They didn’t ask many questions about my culture, and I didn’t take that the wrong way.

2. He was really never like this before, which is why it’s throwing me off. The whole time we were dating, he seemed fine. We even went to my parents’ house once to celebrate Diwali, and he seemed like he was enjoying himself. Even after we got engaged, he seemed normal. It’s only since I started seriously planning the wedding has he gotten more abrasive with his beliefs.

3. We’ve talked about our culture and beliefs before, and he seemed accepting of them. He said that he would respect my wishes and my culture but that he personally wouldn’t pray with me. I thought that was completely fine as I didn’t want to push anything on him.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1:

> I asked him what he meant, and he said that after we got married, I would convert and our children would be raised "white" anyway, so it didn't matter.

Why would you even want to continue dating this guy? He clearly has zero respect for you.

> What should I do?

You walk away now. You're SO lucky that your SO showed his true face BEFORE you got married.

> On paper, he's perfect, and some of my friends are telling me that if I leave him, I won't get someone as good. I had my life planned out, and now it feels like it's falling apart. E

BS. There are thousands of people out there who are compatible with you, and they will also respect your culture and compromise.

Commenter 2:

> On paper, he's perfect,

On Reddit he doesn't sound so perfect.

Commenter 3: First of all, your friends suck. They clearly don’t think very highly of you if they think marrying into this mess is too good for you. Find new friends.

Secondly, you need to end this relationship. This man is now showing you who he really is. He’s unlikely to change, especially if his family agrees with him. It’s unfortunate that you’re learning this about him now but be thankful you haven’t already married him.

Starting over sounds scary but in the long run you’ll be happier. You will have left with your dignity and respect for yourself.

Commenter 4: Short answer, leave. Cut your losses and count your blessings you avoided this mess. I'm sorry but you are delusional if you think marrying into this family is a good idea. These people are going to walk all over you. What do you think is going to happen if you have kids? Do you think your fiancé and in-laws are going to let you teach them your religion? It will always be held over your head, and you will be expected to confirm to what they expect. I am sorry for you, people like that are awful.

&nbsp;

Update: December 15, 2020 (same day, six hours later)

I came home after work was over to talk to him, but he wasn't home. I read over all of your comments, which I'm seriously thankful for, and I really thought about where our relationship could go from here.

I called my mom and told her about what had happened, and she basically said told me a story about how in my father's native village, there is a stone wall in a temple. On that temple are 600 year old inscriptions about our family. She said that our family has been in the same place, traceably, for 600 years. She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

After that conversation, I felt really shitty about the words he said to me, and I waited for him to come home. When he returned from home, he didn't really say much except the fact that he was "sorry I couldn't understand where he was coming from." I have loved him for 4 years, after all, so I really tried to make him see why I was hurt and why this is so important for me, but I don't know. It just seemed like he didn't care. After he said some more hurtful, blasé comments about my culture, I decided that it would be best if we separated, and I respectfully returned his ring and possessions. It really felt like shit, but I'll survive.

I'm staying with one of my close friends at the moment until I can clear out all my stuff. I'm not financially dependent on him or anything, so I can afford to move out. Moreover, I don't want it to seem like I owe him in any way. The lease is on his name, and I don't need to beg him for a place to stay. I can manage on my own. I don't really know where to go from here, but I hope I can figure it out.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1:

> She said that if we were equals, he would have to wipe away his whole family tree just to get rid of our one line of ancestors in that village.

What does your mother mean by this? He's not equal to you because he can't trace his family back 600 years?

> OOP: She means that if I wanted him to erase his heritage too, he would have to erase his entire family tree

Commenter 2: Be proud that you are a strong women who loves and respects herself. It sounds like you made the right decision

Commenter 3: I'm sorry he turned out to be such a terrible person. The story your mother told you is so beautiful, you deserve someone who respects you and wants to celebrate your culture and heritage. I wish you good luck with everything!

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Les1217

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Original Post: August 9, 2026

I need some genuine advice and reassurance. The rage I’m feeling right now is overwhelming and I need to lay this all out.

My husband (24M) and I (24F) moved to Alaska earlier this year after months of planning a 3,000-mile move. Back home, we had a very tight-knit friend group. My husband’s best friend, "Ralph," has been in a serious relationship with my friend, "Rachel," for two years.

Ralph moved up to Alaska first in January 2026 for work and stayed in crew housing. Ralph and Rachel made long-distance work, and we all assumed Ralph would get settled and eventually move Rachel up here.

When Ralph’s crew housing ended, he needed a roommate because of Alaska's high cost of living. My husband and I wanted our own married space, so living with him wasn't an option. Enter "Maggie"—a girl from back home in the military who was relocating to Alaska and shared a passion for aviation with the guys. Maggie and Ralph decided to rent a place together.

Rachel was uncomfortable with this from the start and worried about Maggie’s intentions. My husband and I constantly reassured Rachel, telling her Ralph loved her and would never cheat.

Once we moved up, we hung out with Ralph and Maggie. Maggie made a few odd comments—like "Ralph knows how I am" or "Ralph needs to get us a dining table"—but people back home told me, "that’s just how Maggie is." Whenever I brought up Rachel, Ralph said he planned to move her up soon. Maggie never questioned it.

The Red Flags Escalated

Over 4th of July weekend, Ralph and Maggie went camping together. I assumed Rachel knew, but Rachel texted me saying she was worried about Ralph camping "alone." I mentioned he was with Maggie, which revealed Ralph had lied to Rachel, claiming he was by himself with no service. Rachel was furious, but my husband and I calmed her down, thinking it was just a miscommunication. They talked it out, and I apologized to Ralph the following weekend for getting involved. He told me it was no big deal.

The Breakdown

The next weekend was my husband’s birthday. We all went kayaking and ended up at a bar. While the guys were loading the kayaks, Maggie and I went inside. I mentioned how much Rachel loved the photos I sent her of the guys.

Maggie looked confused and asked, "Who is Rachel to Ralph?"

I said, "They’ve been together for two years."

She asked, "Exclusively, or on-and-off?"

I said, "Exclusively. 100%."

Maggie completely spiraled. She revealed that she and Ralph have been sleeping together for two years. Before any of us moved, Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window. When they moved in together in Alaska, things escalated—Ralph began love-bombing her and sleeping with her regularly. Whenever Maggie asked about Rachel after seeing my texts or posts, Ralph told Maggie that Rachel was "a nobody" or to "mind her business."

Maggie was horrified. She didn't realize Ralph was in a committed relationship. She agreed immediately that Rachel needed to know and wanted him exposed.

When my husband walked into the bar, he could tell I was distraught and pulled me to the side. I broke down and told him everything. He stayed calm and told me we would tell Rachel together so I wouldn't have to carry this alone. Meanwhile, Maggie was so overwhelmed by the reality of what Ralph had done that she threw up at the bar.

Now I am sitting here carrying this explosive secret. How do I break the news to my best friend (who was set to be my bridesmaid) that her boyfriend of two years (my husband’s best man) has been leading a double life this entire time?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Personally, I think Maggie should be the one to tell her. Then they can confront the narcissist asshole together. If I were either of them, I wouldn't want to miss the look on his face when he walks in a room and they're with there waiting for him.

> OOP: Unfortunately Rachel was left back home 3,000 miles away. An in person confrontation is impossible. I don’t think Maggie has it in her to be the one to talk to Rachel. She feels so heartbroken by Ralph and she’s never met Rachel. I know it’s gotta be me who tells Rachel.

Commenter 2: Your husband sure this is the best man he wants? I mean…to have this kind of guy stand beside him while he’s making a commitment to you….not exactly in good taste is it. It takes a certain type of person to do what he’s done to two women no less. I would seriously be questioning having him in the wedding party at all.

That’s a nice way of me saying I wouldn’t.

This won’t stay secret for long if Maggie’s reaction is anything to go by. But Rachel has to be told. You can’t be her friend and keep this a secret from her.

Where are things now? Has Maggie confronted him?

If it ends up being you that tells Rachel, do it in a safe space. Let her know you love and support her and that you and your husband did not know. Though I will say from reading that your husband has reacted remarkably calm and seemingly unsurprised. It’s strange that this guy would be his best man, but your husband was in the dark about this huge thing he was doing.

And she’ll want to know if he’s in the wedding party. I hope you have a good answer for her.

> OOP: For context: my husband and I actually went to the courthouse to get legally married before our big move to Alaska. Next month, we’re flying back home for our actual wedding ceremony to read our vows and celebrate with all our friends and family. > > My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

OOP explains more about how Ralph would sneak Maggie into his room through the window

> OOP: My husband and Ralph lived together through college. My husband was in the basement. He was shocked this happened.

&nbsp;

Update #1: August 10, 2026 (next day)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 and I just found out.

Update:

I woke up this morning on very little sleep, preparing myself for the hard conversation I knew I had to have with Rachel. When I finally checked my phone, I had multiple missed calls from her and a single text: "He broke up with me."

My heart sank, but for a brief second, I thought Ralph had actually done the right thing and confessed. All I wanted to do was comfort her, so I called her back immediately.

She was sobbing. The very first thing she asked me was, "Did you know?"

I replied, "I’m just glad he was the one who actually told you everything."

She paused. "What do you mean 'everything'?"

My stomach dropped. I asked her what he had actually said, and she told me Ralph simply said he didn't want to be with her anymore. No confession. No accountability. Just a coward's exit to protect himself before the truth came out.

I snapped and said, "He didn't tell you the truth."

I laid it all out: he had been cheating on her for two entire years with Maggie, and Maggie had no idea they were exclusive. Hearing her sob on the other end of the line completely broke my heart. After processing the initial shock, Rachel asked for Maggie’s phone number. She told me she didn't blame Maggie at all—she just wanted clarity and wanted to make sure Maggie was okay, too.

After we hung up, the reality of the rest of the situation hit us. Now, my husband and I are trying to figure out what to do about our wedding celebration next month. I’m in shambles.

My husband is completely distraught. He has strong morals and feels sick that he spent months defending Ralph to Rachel, completely unaware of who Ralph really was. I told my husband to take some time to decide what he wants to do about Ralph being his best man. I love my husband, and I’m standing by whatever he decides, but he needs time to make sense of this betrayal.

And on top of everything else... work is going to be incredibly awkward for the two of them.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Respectfully you put fire and gasoline together….. how did you assure your friend for 2 years while he was sharing a living space with another woman , even though unintentionally you have all gaslight your friend to the moon and back , she will think you covered for him or smth . You need to cut him immediately also in 2 years she never visited?!?! How did he hide Maggie ?

> OOP: Maggie was always just known as a friend to all the guys including my husband. My husband and I were both reassured also by Ralph with multiple conversations. We had no idea this was happening. I never met Maggie until we moved up here. Maggie and Ralph have not been living together for 2 years. They moved in together when Ralph moved up here this year, so they had been living together for 4 months before we found out the truth. Yes everyone thought it was a red flag Ralph and Maggie living together but we were reassured by Ralph that it was a just friends basis. We had too much trust in Ralph and that breaks my heart. I hurt my best friend by telling her the worst news of her life. I’m not entirely coping well with all of it.

Commenter 2: All you can really do is try to support Rachel from afar as best as you can. It’s nice that you believe your husband has very strong morals, but I think whatever your husband decides to do about his friendship may be a good indicator of his true character.

> OOP: Agreed. I love and trust my husband with all my heart. IF he does decide to keep Ralph in the wedding then I know he and I will sit down and have a mature conversation.

Commenter 3: If your fiancé keeps Ralph as his best man, I’d question the man you plan to marry. A best man is supposed to guide and be of moral standing. Ralph is a liar, a manipulator - to all of you, for what? A double life? Your best friend Rachel, who is to stand up in your wedding not come and you’ll lose her completely. You’ll be complicit in the betrayal. It’s not a “I’ll support whatever decision my fiancé chooses” situation. Simple truth is Ralph can’t be involved anymore. Your soon to be hubs needs to step up and remove him from all wedding related events. Because if he chooses Ralph, he chooses the abuser, and what does that say about your future?

> OOP: I agree I will question a lot, but I also want this decision to be made by him since it is his wedding to and his side of the wedding party. He needs to have a good reason for what he decides. I guess I’m trusting at this point he will boot him out and do the right thing.

Commenter 4: I know you had no bad intentions, but you and your husband mismanaged that. You were vouching for cheater and liar, assuring his victim should not worry, based on nothing and while circumstances were very suspect. You apologized to him for telling his girlfriend truth while he lied? What the heck? You definitely failed your friend.

Now you are ok if your husband decided to stay friends with someone who has no morals and have him as best man, while his victim is supposedly your friend (and bridesmaid)? Wow, what a friend you are. Who needs enemies with friends like you.

> OOP: I was reassured by Ralph that is was a misunderstanding. I did fail my friend. I call her so much and she kept me updated on her relationship and how she was managing. I asked them both about how things were going constantly. Everything seemed great from both of them. My husband and I also encouraged Rachel to start prepping and applying for jobs to get her up here she did and Ralph supported that.

Commenter 5: Wait after all this you’d still have him in your wedding if your husband still wants him as best man?! I would think real hard before marrying a man that would want a person like Ralph around him after this.

> OOP: I don’t want Ralph in the wedding. I want my husband to make that decision because it’s side of the wedding party.

Commenter 6: Rachel wasn’t pissed at you for knowing “everything” and never telling her? You and your husband both suck, so hard.

> OOP: I told her the day after it happened. I couldn’t tell her right when it happened because of the time difference we have.

Commenter 7: I heard something that stays: friends of cheater need to normalize ( simplistic terms) the absolute boundary of cutting off all ties work and personal, not socializing in any group or one on one form bc it does and will allow excuses and the “ buts” as opposed to simply highlighting the deception and understanding that it seeped into all the relationships ; even when you can’t immediately see or feel it. It’s not the job of the group to make it right. If and when the cheater does, then there may be a space for the honest talks and reconciliation… but that is up to the cheater to do “the work”. Rarely, is there such introspection but one can hope, no?

I worry OP will fall victim to “kil* the messenger” situation…. Also- why in the world would your fiancé keep him as “Best Man” when that in of itself is highly ironic and just wrong. At the very least, how and in what aspect would you want him in your home and eating at your table let alone standing up at your wedding ceremony? Like let him eat; just not at your table; and definitely not your wedding cake. That’s totally hypocritical and if you did- you are literally supporting HIM .

> OOP: My husband was completely blindsided by his best friend and needed a minute to process the grief and shock before setting that boundary with him. I agree with you, and I have zero intention of supporting or excusing what Ralph did.

Commenter 8: Is Rachel in your bridal party or attendee at wedding? Does everyone in your circle know everything? Words are one thing, it’s actions that prove intentions, character and doing the right thing…. What if your fiancé’s actions do not align? Lots to unpack.

> OOP: Rachel is my bridesmaid. Everyone in the circle back home is just starting to know Rachel is telling anyone and everyone that they are over and what a scumbag he is. I want my husband to make the decision himself with no influence based on what I want. It’s his wedding too. I’m hoping and praying he boots him. We will have a mature conversation and talk like adults if he decides otherwise.

&nbsp;

Update #2: August 10, 2026 (same day, nearly four hours later)

Update: My husband’s best man has been cheating on my best friend for 2 years and I just found out.

Update:

I’ve read a lot of comments and WOW. I’m aware I let Rachel down. I unknowingly supported a cheater and a liar for years. But I also didn’t know this was going on. I feel gross though.

For everyone claiming my husband had to know because they lived together back in college—my husband and I were doing long-distance while he was focused entirely on his degree and our relationship. I was focused on my education and being an athlete. Ralph lived on a completely different floor of the house, while my husband stayed down in the basement.

My husband is the type of guy who minds his own business and focuses on his own life. He wasn't tracking who was sneaking through Ralph's bedroom window on the floor above him, nor was he keeping tabs on Ralph's guest list. Ralph hid his double life from everyone, including his absolute best friend. My husband genuinely did not know.

I’ve been checking on Rachel constantly and just being there for her. We talked. Her and Maggie have been talking over the phone. Both getting clarity and digging through every lie Ralph told both of them. I’m glad they are able to support each other.

Now onto the update.

My husband just called me from work and told me Ralph had pulled him aside to talk right when they got in this morning. Ralph apologized for lying to him all these years and for hurting everyone involved.

My husband then told me the boundary he set: Ralph is officially out of the wedding party. He told Ralph he is still invited to attend the ceremony that’s it but not the reception, and he will not be standing by his side as best man.

Honestly, I wasn't prepared for how heavy that decision would feel. My heart broke for my husband. Ralph was his best friend—the guy he trusted most—and seeing Ralph destroy that friendship and break his trust has been devastating. As hard as it is to process, I know my husband made the right call. He’s completely drained and told me he doesn't want to talk about it anymore for now.

He did mention one last detail: Ralph said he wants to talk to me and apologize, but my husband told him to back off and give me space because of how furious I am about what he did to Rachel.

Ralph was like a brother to me. I genuinely believed he looked up to our marriage, and I fully believed Rachel was his endgame. Realizing how wrong I was about him has made me feel like I never actually knew him at all.

I want to clear something up for the people commenting that my husband and I "must have known." We genuinely had no idea. If we had known anything, Ralph would have been cut off and out of our lives a long time ago, and Rachel would have known the truth immediately.

Even knowing we did the right thing once we found out, I still feel a heavy sense of guilt for being so blind to it all. My husband actually called Rachel to personally apologized the other night for not seeing through Ralph’s lies sooner and for defending him when red flags popped up.

Rachel has our complete and absolute support. I honestly braced myself for her to need distance from me—I was terrified she might associate me with Ralph's behavior or resent me for not catching on sooner.

Surprisingly, that hasn't happened at all. She made it clear that our friendship is solid, and she still fully intends to stand by my side as my bridesmaid next month. In fact, she even joked about bringing Maggie as her date to the wedding just to rub it in Ralph's face.

I am forever grateful for her grace and for our friendship. This entire ordeal has been a nightmare, but seeing who really shows up for each other when the dust settles has meant everything.

Relevant Comments

Commenter: Your husband did not do the right thing. He is still friends with the cheater, and he invites him to your wedding. How is that doing the right thing? What is your heart breaking for?

So both of you are the most blind, unaware people, with not ability to draw conclusions from things you did not and still were convincing Rachel he is not cheating, despite both having reasons to believe so and tons of signal to the opposite. And making no effort to check (having 5 minutes convo with Maggie would suffice).

Great job. Keeping fingers crossed for your marriage with ‘cheater’s best friend’ and for Rachel to find a better friend (maybe she already did in Maggie).

> OOP: Ralph is not invited to the wedding anymore. My heart broke for my husband because he spent years trusting a best friend who turned out to be a sociopathic liar to everyone—including us. We weren't "convincing" Rachel of anything malicious; we were operating on the assumption that a close friend wouldn't lie to our faces. Once I had real information from Maggie, I told Rachel the truth. Rachel knows my heart, knows we were manipulated too, and is still standing up as my bridesmaid.

Editor’s note: marking this concluded and OOP has deleted their account

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Jajamoses100

Originally posted to r/restaurant

Friend is hiding a wedding reception inside 4 dinner reservations. Will this go badly?

Thanks to a longtime lurker for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!entitlement!<

Original Post: August 7, 2026

My friend is having an intimate wedding ceremony, followed by a dinner for about 30 people at a restaurant. Plot twist: the dinner guests don’t know it’s a wedding reception. On top of that, she has not reserved the private party room. She’s made 4 separate reservations under 4 different names and plans to “just move tables together” when everyone arrives. This is a Saturday reservation (4-7pm according to the evite) at a popular, large (300-seat) waterfront seafood restaurant in a major city.

I’m nervous this will fall apart on her (and us guests) upon arrival.

So what’s the likely outcome here? Is there anything she could do to make this go smoothly if she won’t just call ahead (which is what I’ve strongly recommended)? Sigh.

ETA: the guests are paying for themselves, and I don’t think they are aware of this “plan” (neither the bill responsibility nor the reservation nonsense). She told me (and her mom & sister) about it, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: That’s extremely shitty behavior

> OOP: I cannot disagree.

Commenter 2: It's pretty simple: This is not going to happen in any way shape of form the way that they think it will.

The chances all 4 reservations are located right near each other is slim. The chance that a busy popular restaurant on a waterfront in a busy city on a Saturday night isn't at or near capacity is slim to none.

The restaurant won't be able to accommodate anything other than the individual reservations as they were made.

It's absolutely stupid to do this, but I bet it's because they either can't afford, or tried to book too late, the private area.

My best guess is that she thinks they'll just slide them into the private area without the booking cost and minimums - but restaurants don't staff for party rooms when they aren't pre planned and pre-paid with guaranteed minimums to cover the labor.

Let us know how things pan out, OP.

> OOP: Will do. Yes, it’s an affordability issue, but that’s no excuse. Do what you can afford and in a way that’s considerate to all involved. I’m really taken aback by this.

Commenter 3: Those tables will not be close to each other.

Someone will keep saying "why can't we..." or "we just want to....'. like it's no big deal.

The manager will try to find a happy medium, the servers will cry/curse in the walk-in.

No-one will tip anywhere near enough for the trouble.

Record everything you see and post here Monday!

> OOP: I will definitely post an update. I’m planning to leave early if things get too ridiculous, though. > > Fwiw, she’s not confrontational (just inconsiderate surrounding this wedding), so if they shut it down she’ll go along with whatever they say. But I don’t believe there’s a plan B (at least she hasn’t said anything to me about that).

Commenter 4: They’ll probably all just end up eating a separate tables and come by to tell her congratulations. But it won’t be a reception. It’ll be separate dinners for everyone. Who is paying?

> OOP: The guests.

Commenter 5: Oof she needs to at minimum tip on top of what people leave. People are going to be irritated, which generally don’t make them great diners or tippers. What a nightmare

> OOP: I’ll definitely leave a hefty tip for my “table.”

Do the guests know they are going to pay for their meals?

> OOP: I’m not sure. She told me, but the evite I received was very vague: “Join us to celebrate friend and fiancé” at X restaurant. The additional guests invited to the dinner are unaware of the small wedding planned for earlier that day.

&nbsp;

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 10, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: Ultimately, it wasn’t terrible. After reading some of the strong reactions here (TYSM), I had a gentle chat with my friend. She wasn’t super receptive, but something clicked and she at least gave the manager a heads up (day of). Several guests didn’t come, and I can’t blame them given the circumstances. It ended up being about 20 guests and we were seated at a long table. The manager was great, even when my friend seemed clueless about their policy that they don’t itemize separate checks for each guest.

Many thanks to the restaurant staff for being so accommodating and for making everything feel so seamless. Shout out to restaurants everywhere that are so gracious instead of “Ma’am, this is a Wendy’s” lol - even when deserved. I’ll be leaving a glowing review, because they earned every star.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Ill-Secretary-205

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole

Previous BoRU

[Repost]: AITA for telling my friend that she needs a life of her own and she has to stop leeching off of mine?

Editor's note: adding the verdict and relevant comments in this BoRU as they were not listed in the previous BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!stalking, obsessive behavior!<

Original Post: June 29, 2021

Hi, my (25F) long-term friend (25F) has a history of doing whatever it is that I'm interested at the moment. She asks questions until she's got a clear idea of what music/books/movies I'm into and then does a whole act of how she 'discovered' that in front of the whole friend group. Being the pushover that I am, I'm sad to say I've let her do this for some time, while slowly trying to put some distance between us.

This also extends to people, any new friend or even acquaintance I make should be cleared with her, and then she makes a (friend) move on them to get closer to them. She has even tried to weasel her way into my family gatherings and private events. She also for some reason keeps telling my dad that she's like the daughter he would have wanted?? (He's as confused as I am, but we learned to laugh it off). I've recently noticed that she is rarely interested in something of her own volition. All her leads are from me. I have been getting tired of her behavior for a while.

Things came to a head a few months ago when she started texting a guy (27M) I've been speaking to for a while (went on a few dates, nothing serious as of now but I’m hoping there would be) and telling him how compatible they could be. He was confused and thought it was me texting from her phone, so he double checked with me. I of course was beyond angry, but instead of confronting her immediately, I told him to ask her why she is doing this and if she was aware that him and I were almost a thing.

Her response to him was to flirt even further and say that her and I always had similar taste but went on to mention how he might be better off with her.

He sent me the screenshots, and I sent them to her and said 'you need to leave me alone. Things in my life are not for grabs. You have leeched off of me for long enough. If you keep this up, I won't have an issue shaming you in our friend group'

She got very standoffish and accused me of 'tricking' her by using the guy's phone to 'make her look bad', she also proceeded to speak badly of me to our friend group.

I might be the asshole cause all this while other than trying to keep some distance between us, I did not properly voice my concerns. She did, however, notice my discomfort at various occasions (especially my family gatherings).

So AITA for handling things this way?

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. But I'm not sure you understand what "friend" means, because this girl isn't one. Yes, you were a bit harsh, but I can understand your frustration. Her behavior is beyond steamrolling your boundaries- it's outright disturbing.

> OOP: Every time I try to put some distance between us, she shows up with a personal issue that she can only share with me, and she always guilts me by making it seems like she has no one else to turn to. And Every time, so stupidly I get looped back into the drama.

Downvoted Commenter: ESH. She’s clearly showing some honestly creepy behavior and trying to swoop your guy isn’t cool. But two wrongs don’t make a right, and I feel you responded in anger and could have handled it better. That being said, I think you have 1000% valid points to tell her, but given your long term friendship with her I think a civil conversation would have been in order instead of threatening to ostracize her in your friend group.

> OOP: I wasn't in the greatest state of mind while replying to her. I was honestly just beyond myself with anger, and I agree I could have handled it better. But it was sort of like the final straw that broke the camel's back

Commenter 2: NTA. Yes, you could have said something sooner. But this is obviously inappropriate behavior, and you have good reason to suspect she has known that all along and isn't a hopelessly oblivious amoeba.

> OOP: I was hoping she would catch on to my discomfort and the timing of me trying to move away, but she would never acknowledge that

Commenter 3: NTA, but you should have just pretended to be in to something really awkward and shameful before this incident. Definitely mislead her from now on, if you guys continue to be friends. I wouldn't, but I'm not you.

> OOP: I really wish I did now haha!

Commenter 4: NTA. I wouldn’t say I’d “shame” her to the group, but I’d definitely tell them what she was trying to get up to. If you’d be ashamed of your friend group finding out about something, you probably shouldn’t do it.

> OOP: So, some of my (our) friends have mentioned to me how she has in the past seemed to ignore my personal boundaries (esp. with my family events) and how some of her comments seemed off, I've discussed how her trying to copy me has affected me in the past with two of my super close friends so it wouldn't be such a shock to them I feel.

&nbsp;

Update: July 8, 2021 (nine days later)

Firstly thanks to everyone who commented to help me out. Some of it was tough love but I read every comment and had a chuckle at a few, but it also helped me realize that the issue wasn't as simple as someone copying my interests.

So after posting, I rang up one of my close friends to let her know what's been happening, she seemed appalled at how my friend made a move on the guy I was seeing. She also confided in me that she often keeps telling her how good and well my life is and how she wishes either her family was like mine or her job was like mine etc. She thought it was just harmless wishing, but when everything was put together it just seemed so unhinged.

I also spoke to my dad and mum about how unnerving it was to have her try and do all the things I do when they told me that once, a few years back while I was completing a work experience training in another city, she offered to come and stay at my house to keep them company. They honestly thought she was joking because she lives in the same city with her family and my training was only for 6 months.

So with this new information I decided it was well and truly the time to cut all contact with her. I have let my friends know that she is no longer a part of my life and to warn me about plans we were both part of and most of them seemed to see this coming. I've also decided to stop being around her other close friends. My friends have also told me that they'd keep her from knowing anything about me/my life updates. (I was the one who brought her into this specific friend circle, a few of them already did not get along with her so they were cool with not hanging out with her.)

After not texting her back for a while, she texted me to say, 'are you seriously going to let this one guy take away our years of friendship' something along the lines of that and I just said 'yes'. She's kept texting and calling constantly, and eventually sent a message saying, 'I hope you and the guy don't work out' and then blocked me. I had refrained from blocking her because I did not want to aggravate her or have her show up at my house. But after she blocked me I blocked her on all social media and told my parents what's happened.

So anyway, I feel better not having her hovering around my life, but I'm sure she is going to try and initiate contact sometime but this time I've decided to stand up for myself.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I am happy for you. But I’m also afraid for you.

Hopefully she will move onto to something else. And she probably will.

Do you have security cameras? Do you always make sure your doors are locked? Does she know where you work?

> OOP: Yes I've recently moved back in with my parents as my work switched to a work from home format and this place is equipped with security cameras and we have two German shepherds which I am pretty glad about.

Commenter 2: I wanted to throw out some tips so you can protect yourself OP (just in case)

Change your passwords so she can’t log into your accounts and read your messages. She might have found a password you wrote down somewhere etc. Go through your friends on social media and delete anyone that you are unsure about. Consider not using social media as much or just post rarely in case she uses another account to view your profile. Make sure your parents have blocked her as well. Consider not going to the same spots to eat if you frequent the same place. Maybe go to a different grocery store if she lives close by.

If you can afford it, get security cameras. If she unexpectedly shows up at the grocery store or at your gym and tries to talk to you, start recording her on a voice memo app.

If she ever leaves notes on your car or shows up to your place of work, that is a big red flag. If any red flags of stalking start, tell your employers about it as a preventative measure. Also tell your neighbors so they are aware of what she looks like and what car she drives.

If a few red flags happen, then contact your local law enforcement agency. Just in case, read about red flags of stalkers. She might start doing it, but probably won’t. You can also read about obsessive disorders and lack of identity to understand her better.

It’s great that you have already told your friends about this. Don’t keep things to yourself. Don’t forgive her. You can’t trust her. Good luck OP.

> OOP: Thank you greatly for this list. I am currently working on removing people from my friend lists. Since we still have restrictions where I live there isn't much of a social life going on and I work from home currently, which is good.

Commenter 3: Good for you. It is lovely to have an update, so thank you for that. I am glad you have gotten so much support from your family and friends. I hope you can continue to live a happy and healthy life

Commenter 4: Yikes. Write all of this down with dates and print out screenshots of anything you can. If she ends up stalking you, having this already prepared can be the difference between getting a restraining order or getting ignored by the police.

This is deeply concerning behavior, but it sounds like you're doing everything right. I had a stalker that escalated to an attempt to kill me (with no consequences from the police) and the stress that being constantly on guard against a threat is physically and mentally draining.

So - my advice to you is that she is not a threat just yet. You don't need to become super-vigilant. If she intends to escalate things, you will definitely know about it, so for now just keep being discrete but don't get obsessive, that wreaks havoc on your body.

Most likely she'll find something else to obsess over. If she does escalate in your life again, then you need to take that very seriously as a safety risk, but you are not at that point right now. You're making good choices, and I'm glad that your tribe is protecting you.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Neither_Beautiful_38

Originally posted to r/Marriage

Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

Original Post: August 8, 2026

BURNER ACCOUNT.

My wife (32F) and I (33M) have been together for 5 years, married for 3. A year ago she started working out with a personal trainer. She's lost weight and has really gotten in shape.

Yesterday while she was driving, she asked me to put an address in Waze on her phone. I saw a text come in from her trainer so I took a look through her text history with her trainer. The earlier texts were all about confirming times for sessions, but in recent weeks they became more personal, like "you looked great today!" and sharing funny tiktoks.

Earlier that day my wife had texted him "Thanks for the banana bread!" with a wink emoji and he responded with "Anytime" with a wink emoji. She didn't bring any banana bread home. Should I ask my wife what banana bread refers to?

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Don't ask! Play detective, collect evidence. It's either already happened or they're getting ready to make it happen soon. Sorry your going through this. But be smart, keep your cards close to your chest! And be ready to walk. Good luck.

Commenter 2: Him saying you looked great today could have been an inference about her lifting and proper form, especially if she'd been struggling somewhere

But the banana breads and emoji and sharing tik toks is not a business relationship

Commenter 3: I would just be straightforward and ask your wife if banana bread is code for getting dicked down. Trust your instincts with her reaction.

Commenter 4: Sounds like you need to hire a PI. You definitely have a problem and need to deal with it when you have some facts. She's likely to minimize everything if you just confront her, but you may have caught this early enough to put the fear into her. Update me.

&nbsp;

Update: August 9, 2026 (next day)

UPDATE: Unusual text messages between wife and personal trainer

UPDATE: I asked my wife about the "banana bread" text. It was all a big misunderstanding about a nutritional study!

Hey everyone, thanks for all the feedback on my original post. A lot of you were insisting that "banana bread" was some kind of gross code word and that I needed to hire a divorce attorney immediately. I was sick to my stomach all night, so this morning I finally sat my wife down and asked her directly what the text meant.

She stared at me in total shock, and then she actually started crying because she felt so bad that I had been worrying about it.

She explained that her trainer is currently completing his master’s thesis in Applied Kinesiology. As part of a study he's running with his top clients, he bakes a hyper-specific, pharmaceutical-grade banana bread that contains raw electrolytes and dense peptide powders.

She sent the text "Thanks for the banana bread!" because the trainer had secretly snuck a slice of the control-group batch into her gym bag after her heavy deadlift session as part of the trial.

The reason she never brought any home to me is because it’s like a controlled substance for his university research! She explained that if an non-participant eats it, it could contaminate his control data and get the trainer kicked out of his master's program.

The wink emojis were just an inside joke between them because his thesis advisor is super strict about protocol, so sneaking her the extra slice was technically "breaking the study rules" for her benefit.

Clear communication with your spouses is key!

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in the update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: 😂😂😂😂😂😂 there's no such thing as "pharmaceutical-grade banana bread", much less "controlled substance banana bread"...

Also, "control data" would be the group that gets the placebo/nothing, meaning it would've just been "regular" banana bread, anyway.

Lastly, "someone outside the control group" consuming the control (OR the actual real deal, doesn't actually matter) can't "contaminate data"- you're not part of the study or SUPPLYING any of the data, so what you consume has zero impact on it.

According to that excuse/logic? During a normal study with a placebo consisting of a sugar pill, an acquaintance or spouse of someone in the control group eating a Tic Tac would somehow magically "contaminate the data".

Commenter 2: Hey man, i honestly hope for the best. I mean it. But i wouldn't buy that. Not in a million years.

First... her trainer is putting things on her gym bag, inside jokes, etc... call me old fashioned, i would shut this shit down ASAP. This feels really inappropriate from my SUBJECTIVE point of view.

I'm a man, and if by any chance my trainer was messing or putting things inside MY bag i would go apeshit. Dunno if she puts changes of clothes in her bag, but i really hope that she does not.

Is it a gym? Yes. But it is his workplace, and I, for one, wouldn't accept anything less than complete professionalism. This isn't it fam

P.S.: Even if it is true that she didn't do anything with ulterior motives, doesn't mean the coach doesn't have them.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Lanky_Beyond1948

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!rape, possible CSA, sexual assault/domestic abuse!<

Original Post: August 7, 2026

My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting really erratic this entire year. For context we’ve been married 3 years.

His father passed away at the beginning of the year. We stayed with his mom for about a month and a half to help her with everything that needed to be done and to support her emotionally. After we finally came back home, my husband started acting… different.

At first it was mostly these aggressive, cruel “jokes.” For example, I love watching the birds in our backyard and sometimes I whistle at them to get them to come closer. One day he told me, “Stop whistling at them, they’re going to want to fuck you.”

Another time I was organizing our pantry, and he saw some cucumbers I had bought and said, “Why do you buy cucumbers? To stick them inside yourself? To pleasure yourself?”

If we’re out somewhere and another woman compliments my hair or my outfit, he’ll spend the rest of the day calling her my “girlfriend” and making comments about how apparently so many women want to fuck me.

There have been so many comments like this. I’ve suggested therapy because it feels like he’s taking all of his anger out on me. He says he doesn’t need therapy because he knows he needs to change and can do it himself.

What makes it harder to understand is how different he is with his mom. He is constantly there for her. He listens to her, comforts her, lets her talk about everything she’s feeling. Then he’ll hang up the phone and become cold and mean with me almost immediately. I don’t understand why he’s so angry at me.

Last night things got much worse. He initiated sex. I didn’t really want to say no because I know how upset he gets when I reject him. He’ll also tell me that he feels unwanted, and then I end up feeling guilty. So we continued.

But this time felt completely different from every other time we’ve had sex. He has always been affectionate and careful with me. Last night there was none of that. When I looked at him, all I could see in his face was anger. Almost hatred. His movements were so rough that he was hurting me. I was actually scared to tell him that he was hurting me.

Eventually I pushed him off me and said, “I’m hurt.” I specifically said it that way because I was afraid of sounding like I was blaming him. Then I started crying. And while I was lying there crying, he grabbed my hand and put it on his dick because he wanted me to help him come.

I can’t really explain the disgust and anger I felt in that moment. I was literally crying in front of him, and that was what he was thinking about? I immediately pulled my hand away. He laughed and said, “You escaped!” I just kept crying as he went to take a shower and then went to sleep.

He didn’t comfort me. He didn’t ask if I was okay. Nothing. I’ve never felt so disgusted or objectified by anyone before. Let alone my husband.

His comments and “jokes” had already been making me extremely uncomfortable, but after last night I feel like something in me just broke. I don’t know if there’s any coming back from this. Right now, the thought of him touching me again makes my skin crawl.

Has anyone experienced something like this with a partner, especially after they experienced a major loss? Can grief actually explain this kind of personality change? Before he did make some jokes and comments, but never to this extreme level.

I don’t really know what I’m looking for. Perspective, advice, maybe just someone telling me what they would do in my position. Anything would help.

EDIT: Thank you so much for all the messages and comments with resources and advice. Really, from the bottom of my heart. I just want all of you to know I’m safe and away from him, I will update on everything later. But I did want everyone that has been so kind and worried to know I am not with him anymore.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses and posted the same original post in another subreddit, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Can OOP get away or stay with someone?

> OOP: I live in another state away from all my friends and family. We don’t have friends here but I’m trying to come up with a plan to get some space away from him. I’m scared of this escalating even more.

Commenter 1: Context question. Had he ever acted like this, even if it was just glimpses?

> OOP: He had never been physically aggressive, this is the first time. He has made cruel jokes about me since we got married. It started with calling me clumsy, not letting me use scissors because of it. Saying he doesn’t know how I’ve survived without him because I lack survival instincts etc. Whenever I’ve tried to call him out, he says he’s joking and I’m too sensitive to take jokes. I don’t know how we end up in conversations that last hours and the conclusion is that I’m the one at fault for whatever I feel.

OOP on grasping on the signs of abuse when in therapy and her husband's response about seeking therapy

> OOP: There are many things I started to notice after I started therapy, and I was struggling to call it abuse. But after yesterday I can’t stay with him, trust, respect and my sense of safety are broken. > > I don’t know if all birds, but I started noticing some lovely birds in a tree in front of my window, the started singing and I tried to imitate them, and they answered back. Now whenever I do, they come and it makes me so happy. > > + > > I have tried to talk to him, but he gets very angry and offended if I suggest therapy. The government even offered to give all of the family therapy after my FIL’s passing, and no one wanted to take it. They “don’t believe in therapy” > > + > > I started therapy as soon as he refused his. That’s how little by little I started seeing the “jokes” and all the verbal attacks. I kept wondering if I should leave or stay but after what happened yesterday I don’t think I can stay much longer. I can’t bare to see him.

Commenter 2: I'm so sorry OP, I can't imagine how scared you feel. Grief can definitely make people react badly, but this doesn't seem like that. He's getting pleasure from you being scared. He's sexually harassing you. I have no idea why he is behaving this way if this truly only happened after this father died because being angry and snapping at you would be one thing. But this is sexual assault and sexual humiliation. There's no explaining that away. I hope you have friends or family near because you need to get away from him. He is escalating his behavior, and it sounds like you could be in real danger. Don't think about him or his feelings or anything right now, just think about yourself and getting yourself safe. You don't deserve this.

> OOP: It’s hard not to think about his feelings and how depressed he seems to be but I’m very scared since this keeps escalating and I will not let him touch me again. I’ve never felt so humiliated and objectified in my life. We leave alone in a state away from both our families, I’ve been in touch with some friends by text and I’ll try to come up with a plan to distance myself from him. Yet like I said it’s hard not to feel bad for leaving him when he needs help.

OOP on her MIL's behaviors when her husband was growing up and their sex life

> OOP: I can’t even begin to tell you how many things I’ve thought that kept me there trying to help him. > > Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes. > > I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life, and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable and he called me prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?” > > I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visits him or he visit her, he sleeps on her bed, despite mi FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she calls the nephew so they can chat though dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without Face Timing the kid to be able to speak together. She’d just laugh and ignore him. > > + > > Before his dad’s death I thought we were close. But lately she loves to tell my husband all the things she doesn’t like about me. My appearance (I’ve gained a lot of weight since we married), my hobbies, my cooking (he doesn’t eat anything more than chips sandwiches and pizza, anything I cook he just cuts and doesn’t eat) and my inability to “take care” of her son. So she’s not an option. I’ve been speaking with some friends today to see what I can do. In the meantime I’ll try to keep things easy going and calm, I’m scared to provoke another angry reaction.

The relationship between OOP's husband and his father before FIL's passing

> OOP: I can only speak of what I saw, can’t be certain of the experiences of his kids and wife since you could ask anyone outside our marriage and they’d tell you my husband is the sweetest, kindest and most gentle man. > > In my experience he was very loving to his wife, although it wasn’t the same the other way around. He could be reactive as in, shout or get upset in a discussion and leave a room, but he was never cruel. He was very generous, had a hard life but worked hard to be a good father and husband. He treated me as a second daughter and would keep everyone in the house in check. Would tell my husband if he ever did anything to me, he’d take care of him. And would prompt him to act like a husband and not a little kid due to his relationship with his mom. FIL and MIL would bicker a lot and have very different points of view in many ethical dilemmas. I miss him deeply. My parents adored him too.

Does OOP have kids with her husband?

> OOP: We don’t. I was trying the first two years but especially after this year, seeing some of his family dynamics after FIL’s death and him escalating I’ve been very careful to avoid getting pregnant. I chose him but I would never forgive myself if my kids were treated like that.

Any chances that MIL is accusing OOP of cheating and other things, and if her husband is agreeing with his mother

> OOP: A while ago I went on holidays with my parents, and he was included on that plan, but he preferred to stay with his mother. After that he did tell me several things she’s criticized about me. My hobbies, my appearance, my inability to take care of him… > > + > > Now looking back… there were some behaviors I decided to ignore. Once she told me that she knew I loved my (then) boyfriend, but I would never love him more than her. That nothing was greater than a mothers love. Or when we had our engagement party and he referred to me as “his soulmate” she interrupted “but you had a mom first!”. I can give more examples, but I thought she was just a bit inappropriate but with good intentions.

OOP on her husband's behaviors / moods before the incident took place

> OOP: It was hard to put a name on it but yes, he’s been raping me for a while. I didn’t see it, I did feel uncomfortable. But I could call it rape. It’s been three years of me not being able to shower alone, not even on winter. I’d be shivering waiting for my turn for the water. He said it’s an intimate moment he likes. In reality he expected a blowjob every time we showered. That would be every day or sometimes more than once. Some days I’d avoid showering altogether. Others I would jump quickly, and he would laugh like he did and would also said I escaped as I grabbed my towel quickly. I feel so disgusted. Please know I’m safe now. I will update on everything.

Is OOP in a safe place for now while making plans to go stay with her family?

> OOP: He left earlier today. He said his mom really needs him, and he needs to be there because our home isn’t healthy for him anymore.

&nbsp;

Update: August 8, 2026 (next day)

Update: My (30F) husband (35M) has been acting increasingly cruel since his dad died, and last night something happened that I can’t get past.

Hello everyone. First I would like to thank each and every one of you for your support and advice. I felt so much love and care that I can’t explain how truly moved and grateful I am. Sorry if this is too long but I also want to address some questions or comments this soon since I know many have been worried, please don’t be.

I think my body has been feeling I was being raped for quite a while, but I did not want to use that word. I just couldn’t get myself to believe the man that was supposed to love me and care for me would do something like that. But he did and he has been doing it for quite a while.

For the entirety of our marriage I have not being able to shower on my own. Not even once. Not even in winter when I’d shiver waiting for my turn to get on the water. He said it was his love language, that showering together made him feel connected. In reality he expected a blowjob from me every single time we got on the shower. Sometimes I’d avoid showering altogether because I did not want to deal with that, others I’d try to shower as quickly as I could and jump out before he started to “seduce” me. He’d laugh like I mentioned he did and he’d also say, “Oh you’re escaping!” As I grabbed my towel and ran out.

Regarding the overtly sexual “jokes”, it reminded me of an incident we had with one of his friends (also 35M). I was used to this friend making a sexual joke or two to my husband every time we’d hang out. Would be weird but I thought well maybe that’s their humor. But one night this friend sat beside my husband and wouldn’t stop touching him and making very extreme and intense sexual “jokes” directed at my husband. The tone of all were basically his friend wanting to fuck him. It got so uncomfortable another friend stepped in and asked the guy to stop the weird comments, to respect me, and respect that we were married. I did speak to my husband after that telling him how humiliated I felt especially because another man defended me as he did nothing. My husband said his friend didn’t know boundaries in general. I asked why was he only focused on him then? He insisted. The next morning his mom called and asked me to please ignore the friend, that he was dumb and didn’t know how to make jokes. I spoke to my husband again, asking him to not get his mom involved and also asking if he ever was involved romantically or sexually with his friend. I did not want to judge, I just wanted to understand what was going on. He denied it. After me not budging on ignoring the jokes my husband spoke to his friend asking him to stop but it was so weird.

Some of you also wondered if there was some sort of abuse in his family. I cannot fully confirm anything, but there’s some weird behaviors that made me want to help him and stay longer for him. I felt that he was suffering and I could help him see things and heal.

Based on what I’ve heard his mother refused for him to go to school until he was 8, because she wanted to keep him close to her. I know for a fact that whenever I’m not around she walks around the house naked, and whenever he is showering there, she finds any excuse to enter. Because “they’re not pervs that sexualize bodies”. Ever since he was born she removed locks from ALL doors in the house. Bathroom included. Anytime I’d visit I would have to barricade myself with the basket of dirty clothes.

I’ve seen many weird things but was too blind to put all together until recently. She asks about our sex life, and my husband tells her about it. I did tell him I was disgusted and felt very uncomfortable, and he called me a prude. That it’s normal. I think that’s a huge part of me not wanting any intimacy with him, because I do keep wondering “will he tell his mom about us doing this or that?”

I’ve also noticed her acting very weird towards one of her nephews. He’s 11 now and whenever she visited him or he visited her, he slept on her bed, despite my FIL telling her he was uncomfortable with that. Every night she called and still calls the nephew so they can chat through dinner, again despite my FIL asking for some nights without Face Timing the kid to be able to speak together alone. She’d just laugh and ignore him.

When the kid was 7, he had a stage where he’d caress my upper legs and I’d ask him not to do that and spoke to my husband (then boyfriend) about it. He said he’s just a kid and he’s neurodivergent, so he doesn’t know boundaries. My concern was him doing that outside and someone reacting aggressive towards the kid, or an adult with bad intentions allowing it. It stopped. But lately I keep asking myself where did he learn that was okay? I obviously can’t proof anything but a big part on me being very careful to not have kids with him apart from his abuse, was never letting that woman close to any of my kids.

He spends hours on the bathroom (literally sometimes 3-4 hours), I cannot confirm if he’s watching porn or cheating but I’ve always found that weird. Especially since I’m asleep when he comes back and then blames me if we don’t have sex. We have fought over him having inappropriate messages with “friends”. Once a message popped while he showed me a video, a girl telling him “I like you soooo much ❤️” I asked who that was since I do know his female friends. He said a friend that lives abroad. I asked what was going on and as always he turned it on me for “being insecure” and he felt so bad because his love wasn’t helping me let go of my insecurities. A year after he asked me if she could come stay in our house because she was spending the holidays here and got so upset when I said no. Another of his “friends” sent him an overtly sexual invitation (he told me) but he said that he asked her not to do that because now he’s married. He used to make those advances on her when she was in a relationship. His excuse was “but I wasn’t”. He also makes sure to tell me when women are checking him out. Which apparently is every time we’re out. I’m fine with that. I just laugh sometimes because he thinks women getting super close to him is flirting yet my brain screams pickpockets!

A last thing before I explain what’s going on now: last time I tried to start being intimate was me planning a romantic date. It had to be at home because he hated going out. A summary: can’t be too early because he gets cranky, can’t be in the middle of the day because the sun is too strong, can’t be at night because it’s too dark to drive. So I planned a romantic dinner in our house and as I was taking the wine out, he got so upset and shouted: SO YOU CAN ONLY FUCK ME WHEN YOURE DRUNK? As you can imagine the date was cancelled.

So, what happened? Yesterday he acted like nothing happened. He was very sweet which was weird because lately after sex he’d be so angry. Which was so confusing to me. I obviously wasn’t happy, but was trying to act calm and not cause any reactions out of him while I figured what to do. At night he asked me what was going on. I did speak with him. I told him how I felt, so humiliated, felt like an object. He acted like a victim again, saying he only reached for my hand to show me I was still desirable even if I was crying. That he did it to help me gain confidence despite not being able to finish before. I was even more disgusted and asked why he left me crying to go shower and after. He just shrugged and said he figured I was upset and left me to deal with it.

I decided to stop engaging on that pointless argument. I would just nodded until he stopped talking to avoid hours of that same loop of blaming me for my feelings.

Then today he woke up and told me he needed to go to his moms house indefinitely. That he needs to be there for her but also for himself. That our house isn’t healthy for him anymore. That it’s the only way for him to get better and heal. I just nodded and agreed. Even if I know that’s not true and his mom’s house is deeply toxic and unhealthy for him, I needed to think about me. And he left with his car. I felt as if a guardian angel, the universe or so many of your wishes and prayers did this. When he left I couldn’t stop crying. Out of happiness. That somehow the road seemed to open for me in a way that wasn’t as dangerous. I packed some essentials and I’m waiting to take a flight to be with my parents. I will not tell him anything and I’m leaving before he regrets anything or tries to check on me. There I will talk to lawyers about the next steps for divorce. My friends and family have my back, and I feel very lucky to have so many people supporting me despite of years of me being isolated. I do not want to contact this man ever again if possible and still cannot believe how he just left like that, I’m a bit shocked that I don’t need many days of planning, of being scared, of trying anything to get out safely.

And now that I mentioned a guardian angel I started to cry because well some of you mentioned if I had a brother or someone taller or stronger than my husband to ask for his help to come get me. My brother died when I was 14 and he was 20 in a very terrible accident. He was quite tall and strong. And had a heart of gold, he was like a teddy bear. He would’ve moved the entire world to help me, and I think he did today. So thank you for the advice, wishes, prayers. Thank you all.

Whenever there’s any advances on what I hope a smooth divorce, I’ll let you know. But again, thank you everyone that was worried for me, that gave me advice and resources. I deeply value all. And I will read all of the recommended books. I have been going to a therapist, but I may change for someone specialized in trauma and abuse as I go through the divorce and keep wrapping my head about everything that happened and that somehow I kept ignoring or thinking it wasn’t a big deal.

Thank you Morgan and all of this amazing community for being so caring and helpful. You’re right, I knew something was very wrong, I was already hesitating and thinking of getting out, but reading so many people confirming what I feared helped me more than you will ever know. I wish you all the very best as I move to this next chapter of my life with all of my loved ones.

Relevant Comments

OOP needs to report her MIL for the situation with the nephew

> OOP: We don’t live in the US so I don’t really know what I can do to help the nephew since I don’t think anyone involved would testify against her. I feel bad for that kid.

OOP explains more about the nephew, the relationship, and MIL

> OOP: The mother of the kid is the sister of my MIL. All of the family worships the ground she walks in. Everything she says is gospel. If I dared to imply anything about MIL, no one would believe me. I don’t have actual proof of anything and that’s why I don’t know how I can help this kid. I want to do it in an anonymous way to avoid further contact with that family. In my country we don’t have welfare checks I have to research on how to do this with social workers.

Commenter 1: OP seems as tho your brother truly is your guardian angel. The way this is lining up for your easy escape. You deserve so much love & compassion away from your husband. He is toxic & clearly has a very toxic family. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered through all this. But you will come right out on top & better off for it. I promise you! My very best wishes to you on a peaceful journey home, you got this strong lady ♥️.

> OOP: I'm still very shocked, feel like going on autopilot because I was trying to come up with ways to leave without any confrontation and I wasn’t expecting such an easy way out. I can only think of it as a miracle. > > Thank you for your wishes 🤍.

Commenter 2: I’m so proud of you, truly, for honoring yourself & taking care of yourself! The story re: your brother watching out for you definitely made me tear up for you!

I’m so sorry that your marriage has collapsed, but it sounds like there’s no telling what happened to him growing up. He most likely can’t even be honest with himself about it, which is where the anger & acting out towards you has to be coming from. I hope you can take the time to heal & I know that the lack of transparency + abusive behavior is something you nor anyone else should go back to. His path is now his & hopefully you can get loose ends wrapped up legally - & preferably your attorney(s) can deal with him directly from this point forward.

You may never get resolution or closure, which would be so upsetting. I hope you can get help with that so that this terrible secret or secrets will eventually stop ruining your life by proximity.

Everyone else has suggested that you report the situation with the nephew. I greatly understand their concerns, but focusing on your own safety + security right now needs to be your most imperative concern. It would be blatantly obvious to mom/son who reported the situation once it’s discovered that you are gone. I know you are aware of that, because you have carefully thought about everything else & reasoned out everything for yourself to this point.

If you have not anonymously reported the situation in a way that would keep all suspicion away from you & acted utterly oblivious while also tossing in a “Oh no that’s terrible!” “Why would anyone think that in the first place?!” before now, there’s zero rush of urgency to do it immediately.

You’d be astounded at all the ways a spouse can hurt you even when they don’t have direct access to you. I don’t say that to cause further alarm or upset, but these ppl are doing some Flowers in the Attic level stuff that is unfathomable & it’s not your personal responsibility to fix any of it. You’re not the only decent/sane person in the nephew’s life that has to have clocked all of this & many of them are most likely mandated reporters (surely not just the US has laws like that).

> OOP: I feel very guilty regarding the nephew but I’m also very scared that causes him to lash out at me or come look for me for affecting his mother or meddling with his family. I am away now but he knows where my family lives, so I don’t want to be selfish and abandon the kid, but I also don’t want to give him any reason to make him mad. > > Thank you so much for such kind words and advice 🤍 And I do believe my brother is still watching over us. I miss him dearly every day, but I try to honor him by enjoying life and trying to be the best version of myself, someone he’d be proud of. I lost myself for a while, but I will get back to that person he knew.

Commenter : Just a thought: would you need to file for divorce AT HOME, or can you file in whatever county your parents are? It’s my understanding that whoever files FIRST gets the upper hand in deciding where everything takes place…but that’s also assuming you’re even able to file in your parents’ county.

Good luck! This was so much to take in but I’m sure even more overwhelming to live!

> OOP: I can file where I am now, no need to be there. Thank you so much!

Why can't OOP take a shower when her husband was not at home?

> OOP: He was always home. We work remotely and he only left the house with me.

OOP's updating comment on if she is able to get to her parents safely

> OOP: I'm home with my parents, thank you everyone for your concerns. I’ll take a break from here for a bit and if there’s anything worth updating on, I will. Again thank you everyone for being so kind and caring. 🤍.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Perfect_Research_200

My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!body shaming!<

Original Post: August 5, 2026

For some background, my boyfriend and I have been together since last November. We recently saw the new Spider-Man movie together, and I absolutely loved the way Zendaya's hair looked. For those who might be unfamiliar, her hair was a very deep red, but it was extremely subtle. I thought it was super pretty and I've had a similar hair color in the past before my boyfriend and I met.

Anyways, I brought this up to my boyfriend over text just out of the blue because I've seriously been considering dyeing it. Immediately, he was against the idea and kept saying that he didn't like it and was against hair dye of any color. It was a little off-putting, especially because our conversation up until that point had been nice/playful.

I got curious because of the sudden shift in vibes, so I asked him if he'd dump me if I ever dyed my hair. He said yes, and after two more times of being me being like "seriously?" and "you'd dump me over hair dye?" he stood behind his words. He was very clear that he wasn't joking.

This obviously hurt. It wasn't like I was thinking about drastically changing my hair. I just wanted something noticeable in the sunlight that gave off more of a reddish hue. I have really dark hair and don't have any desire to bleach it, so the result of any hair dye would be very subtle. It also isn't a color that I wouldn't be able to pull off. In the past, it looked so good and it legitimately made me love my hair again.

I told him that I was hurt by what he said and that it felt very superficial. I said that if he truly loves me for who I am, a slight change in hair color shouldn't be a deal-breaker. He followed with "so let's allow me to go get crazy face tattoos and see how superficial you are" and "I'm not supposed to be attracted to you I guess."

He hasn't texted me back since, and I'm honesty very hurt by this situation. I never thought that he would be someone to say those types of things to me. I guess I'm just wondering what I should do from here? Could this be a red-flag for future behavior? Any advice would be appreciated.

TL;DR: My boyfriend said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair and now I am unsure of what to do next.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: He compares hair dye to face tattoos?

Get rid of this loser and go dye your hair.

> OOP: it's crazy because this man is also covered in tattoos 😭 he's sometimes even gotten huge ones without giving me a heads up. I’ve never had a problem with it or have made any comment toward him that controlled what he does with his body.

Commenter 2: My ex had me with bleached blonde hair I hated , no piercings and no tattoos , I left him and got what a lot of ppl would consider a lot of piercings and tattoos haha and started dressing how I want alt/streetwear, and I’ve never felt more like myself and been more proud of myself then the moment I decided to leave him. It will only get worse girl please leave this loser

> OOP: Generally before we started dating I've always had more of a hippie style. I love flowy clothes and bright colors and funky jewelry. I've toned it down a lot since we've been together and I honestly miss it so much. Even in the car sometimes he'll give me a funny look when I put on a song I enjoy. I'm starting to realize that I haven't really been myself.

Commenter 3: You break up with him first. First it’s hair, then it’s makeup, then it’s something else and in the end you will realise you lost yourself because he is insecure or because his preferences are somehow more important than your wishes.

During Covid I dyed my hair hot pink. My husband didn’t mind. I switched to blue, he didn’t care. The next dye job was botched, and I tried to fix it and tried to cut the hair into a pixie to make it look better, he was fine with it. I ended up shaving my head and starting anew with my natural hair, and this was the only moment he said “okay, please don’t do that again”.

You deserve to be with someone who loves you for you and not for your appearance.

> OOP: This response has really stuck with me the more I read through everyone's comments. Previously, I thought that this was the first time that he's ever exhibited this sort of behavior. Now I'm realizing that I may have just been blind to it up until this point. > > I've expressed to him before that I'd love to grow my hair out super long because I've always loved how it looks. I remember him saying that it would be gross and wouldn't look good because it would be "mangy." Even when I said that maybe I could cut it short like to my shoulders, he said that I shouldn't. I've also talked about maybe getting a piercing, and he's shut down every idea I had despite him wanting piercings as well. The only thing he hasn't seemed to mind is the idea of me getting more tattoos, but there are several body placements that he's said I shouldn't do even if I liked them. They were very brief conversations and never back-to-back, so I never realized just how opinionated he was about my appearance.

&nbsp;

Update: August 8, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE - My [21F] boyfriend [25M] said he'd break up with me if I dyed my hair.

I cannot thank y'all enough for the support I received on my original post. It opened my eyes to a lot of concerning behaviors that my now ex-boyfriend was exhibiting. Yes, we did break up. And honestly? It was easier than I thought it would be.

I ended up dyeing my hair on Friday, and I absolutely love it! It came out so pretty and I'm so glad I went through with it :) My ex, however, was not the happiest obviously. But I'm usually the type of person that gives second, third, and fourth chances, so I asked to speak with him to try to understand why he was having such a big reaction.

Instead of apologizing for his hurtful words or trying to understand my perspective, he chose to continue being disrespectful. When I showed him a picture of my new hair, he replied with "it's definitely a different color." When I asked him if he was unattracted to me now, he said "you aren't completely unattractive." Then, when I asked if he was leaving me, he said "well, how long is your hair going to be red?"

I think to no one's surprise, he kept backtracking on his threat of breaking up with me, which at least one commenter did predict lol. Literally when giving him an easy out by telling him to just leave me, he would circle back to his words being a "joke" and try to continue the conversation.

I told him that no one was forcing him to stay with me if my hair was that big of an issue, and that I refuse to change my hair just because he didn't like it. Ultimately, he has to live with the fact that he left me due to a slight change in hair color. I'm happy with my choices, and I'm happy that I don't have to be in a relationship with someone that could be so unkind.

Also, this definitely isn't my finest moment, but I did do some snooping after the breakup and figured out that his ex long-term girlfriend that he'd broken up with very shortly before getting with me also had dyed red hair. Must've struck a nerve. Oopsies 🤷‍♀️.

TL;DR: Freedom!! We broke up, and my hair is pretty :)

Relevant / Top Comments

Downvoted Commenter: He stated his preference, you stated your preference, your preferences don't align, you separate. Nothing inherently toxic in this singular situation. Good ending.

> OOP: from my perspective, the toxicity stems from him being controlling. he is allowed to have his preferences, but the moment he uses that as an excuse to say mean things about my appearance or threaten our relationship over it is the moment where this becomes concerning behavior.

Commenter: Congratulations on the new hairstyle and relationship status.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ahdjashdkahds

Me [25 F] with my bf [26 M] of nearly three years - he wants to "open our relationship for him". Not sure if I'm in a position to say no.

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, invasion of privacy, sexual harassment!<

Editor's Note: prior to these posts, a post many in the comments believed to be from OOP's BF –

Me (25/M) getting pretty frustrated with my gf (25/f) who doesn't want to give me blowjobs and making up stories as to why she 'can't'. Do I break up with her over this? posted by u/throwaway_mgdwtbm on October 23, 2015 (seven months prior to the original post)

Hi, please tell me if I should post somewhere else. I didn't want to post to r/sex because they advise everyone to break up when something's wrong with your sex life and I'm not sure I really need to break up. Maybe there's some other way to fix this...

Background: my gf of 2 years is very cute and funny and my parents love her but she's not the best at giving head. I told her before and tried to give her tips but she doesn't really improve. I just want to add I was always very patient and never pressured her. Anyway, I didn't get many blowjobs, maybe 2-3 a month.

In July, I got some facebook messages from an ex from a few years ago. It was completely out of the blue. She sent me some pics of our time together and pretty much all of those very pics of is having sex. And there were two gifs of her giving me head. Now I didn't ask for those Pics and told her I'm in a new relationship and to fuck off. However, my gf finds the conversation because she obviously has a Problem with boundaries and goes completely crazy.

Fast forward to now, we worked through it, she knows I didn't want these Pics. It Took some time until she wanted to have sex with me again (which was a bit melodramatic imo) but Since july, she hasnt given me a single bj. Last Night I asked her to blow me and she Went completely stiff and (without even trying) told me she couldnt get those pictures out of her head of me and my ex. She then started to cry hysterically and locked herself up in the bathroom. When I asked her later how long it will take her she said she didn't know if she could EVER do it again.

Where do I go from here? She's wonderful and sex is otherwise great but I don't Want to miss out on bjs for the Rest of my life... What can I tell her to make her change her mind? Also, I think it sounds like a pretty weak excuse because she just doesnt Want to practice.

tl;dr: gf doesnt Want to give me blowjobs Since she saw pics of my ex doing just that. Now she says she may never 'be able to do it again'? I don't Want that. But is it a big enough problem to Break up over?

---

Editor's note: below is the said original title

Original Post: May 8, 2016

Hello fellow redditors. I hope this post is not too NSFW for this subreddit. I honestly just need some outside opinion. I normally talk to my family and friends about any problems I have but I don't want them to know about this specific situation. Throwaway because bf is a redditor.

Background: My boyfriend ("Jack") and I have a mostly great relationship. We share the same interests and hobbies, are part of an awesome group of friends, share a love for travelling and go on trips often and I get along super well with his family.

However, there has been a problem with our sex life from the beginning. Jack is very much into oral, he told me so right from the start. Okay, not a problem in and on itself. However, no matter how often he got blowjobs, it was never good enough or often enough. Two or three times, when he was drunk, he compared me to his ex of 4 years (Sarah), who had apparently been amazing at giving blowjobs, but he always apologized the next day, saying he didn't mean it. It was hurtful but I tried not to let it get to me, especially because he and Sarah are still friends. They don't really see each other, but sometimes talk on the phone (they had 2 dogs together that belong to her now and he sometimes "checks in on them"). Last summer however, I discovered some sex videos of Jack and Sarah on his computer. (I admit, I was snooping, and I know that's not ok.) The videos were all of them having oral sex and they were dated shortly before our relationship started (even though their relationship ended more than a year before that). I was devastated, I know it might seem unreasonable because of course I knew they had sex, but seeing them both together like this, it just made me cry for hours on end. I was already insecure about the whole thing and this made it impossible for me to look him in the eye for some time. I told him of course and he said that's what I get for snooping. I realize this was really wrong of me but I just couldn't "unsee" it, if that makes any sense.

We had a rough time after that. I had a hard time giving or receiving oral. Everytime I started doing it, those scenes came back to my head and I started crying again. I told him I needed more time, he kept pushing for it. Months went by. I know this really sounds very unreasonable and maybe as if this was just an excuse but I honestly just couldn't let it go. Maybe it wouldn't have been so bad if he didn't constantly ask for it, but he asked me every day when I would be ready for blowjobs again. It didn't help that he kept talking about Sarah every time he was drunk. It just hurt so much. (Just as a side note, we had plenty of "normal" sex during this time. About 2-3 times a week) However, I decided to just get it over with. We started having oral again some weeks ago. It mostly ended with me "needing some time to myself" afterwards and crying (silently) in the bathroom. Worst thing is that he's not happy with it either, he says it feels forced, like "I'm not into it".

Anyway, I want to stress that I really get that he's getting frustrated. Last week, he said he had a solution for our problem. Basically he wants to have oral sex with other women so that I wouldn't "have to give him bad blowjobs any more". I'm not sure if he means it or if he just wants to pressure me into something. Also, I don't know if this is maybe a reasonable request because I can't seem to do it. I obviously don't want him to be unhappy. However, I obviously also don't want him to have sex with other women, even if it's "just" oral. It actually makes me sick to my stomach just thinking about him with other women, but maybe the alternative to this is the end of our relationship and I don't want that either. I'm thinking maybe if there were some rules established (e.g. not Sarah!!!!) it might work out? Or is there any other solution besides me "simply getting over it"? Am I even in a position to say no when I can't give him an alternative? I've been working on it with my therapist but I have a lot of trust issues due to family and ex-boyfriends so we've been working up to this situation slowly. Any advice? Are we incompatible? Is there any hope?

tl;dr: My bf made it clear from the beginning of our relationship that oral is super important to him. After seeing him and his ex having oral sex (on video, from before our relationship - no cheating involved!), I see them in my head whenever we try it and it ends with me crying. Now he wants to have oral sex with other women and I'm not sure how to react. Can I say no when I'm obviously not satisfying him in this department?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1:

> "Last week, he said he had a solution for our problem. Basically he wants to have oral sex with other women so that I wouldn't "have to give him bad blowjobs any more"."

What an asshole. That is a horribly cruel thing to say. At first I was gearing up to give you advice about talking about how to give better blow jobs, and telling him that the comments about his ex absolutely have to stop, and how he's being a dick but it's fixable...but after that comment...just no. He doesn't care about or respect you.

> OOP: I have asked him on numerous occasions what I can do better, the worst thing about this is that he never had an answer to that. He only said things like: "How should I know how this works?" or "I've never had to explain it before" etc.

Commenter 2: This guy is being terrible to you. Comparing you sexually to his ex? Tell you that you give bad blowjobs instead of saying something like "I love it when you do [thing] with your [mouth part]" or whatever to get you doing what he likes? Keeping sex videos of his ex? That's all incredibly shitty behavior all by itself. The constantly pressuring you to blow him when it was clearly emotionally traumatizing for you, though...that's just unconscionable. Dump this asshole. Let him go fuck Sarah's face all he wants so you can find someone who actually cares about you and your feelings and your needs.

> OOP: I'm afraid to admit it, but I don't know if I can find that someone. Of my three relationships, this is by far the best one. I hope that doesn't make me sound really really pathetic.

Commenter 3: What happened to you that makes you think this is how you should be treated?

> OOP: My two ex-bfs were really shitty to me, never taking me out to dinner, on vacations, never doing anything with me except sitting in front of the TV, etc. Granted, I was a lot younger then and we were all still in HS, but out of my three relationships, my current one is by far the best.

OOP should stop comparing her BF's treatment of her prior to her two exes. How did her exes treat her?

> OOP: You're right. I don't think he even cares about my feelings that much. He does apologize for mentioning his ex but he keeps accusing me of making this all up so that I don't have to give him blowjobs...

+

> They were bad but in another way. As in, never wanted to do anything with me. Which is why I was so happy that my current bf and I had the same hobbies, a large group of friends, spent time with his family, went on trips etc.

Commenter 4: You sound like a human, with faults, a unique laugh, baggage, hopes, memories, and the desire to be wanted.

You're not pathetic. I think you're not making the best decisions for yourself. If you had a daughter with this same story, what would you tell her to do?

> OOP: Well this really puts things into perspective. Of course I would tell my daughter to run, and fast. I guess that is the reason I'm not talking to my own family/ friends about it. They would probably tell me the same.

OOP responds to a comment about her relationship with her father due to women who were met with disrespect from their fathers, often ending up with disrespecting partners

> OOP: My relationship with my father is non-existent. My mother left him when I was 12 because he was (physically) abusive and we moved to the other side of the country. So there's that.

OOP needs to get therapy to help with her unresolving issues she has

> OOP: I already have a therapist. Up until now we've been mostly talking about my unresolved issues with my parents and have only talked about my problems with my bf briefly, but she has been hinting that I should look out for abusive behavior from him. I just thought abusive in the sense of physically abusive which sounded ridiculous to me (he never showed any signs of that).

Editor's note: below is OOP's reaction to the possible post made by her BF prior to her own original post

> OOP: I think this might actually be him. Some things are off, for example I didn't find the conversation but only the videos, and the guy in the post makes it seem like his ex contacted him all of a sudden while they were really in contact all along. But everything else is pretty much on point. Also, the way some letters are capitalized, his phone's auto correct does that all the time (even though I guess that's pretty common?). If it's him, it breaks my heart that he was actually thinking about ending things over this while I was still so hurt about everything. It makes me happy though that everyone is calling him a douche. It also shows that he really thinks I'm just making this all up.

&nbsp;

Update: May 12, 2016 (four days later)

Long version: Thank you all for your comments. It helped me get from the sad and confused stage to the angry stage. The final straw was finding his post he made about half a year ago, talking about breaking up with me when I was in a very hurt and vulnerable state.

I then spent two nights at my sister's place to clear my head and told her about everything and she was shocked and disgusted and we talked for hours and it was all really freeing. I then decided to break it off with Jack. Jack and I lived together but the apartment was rented in his name, and I just always gave him my half of the rent. So I hired a moving truck and got all my important stuff when he was at work yesterday and left a note that said: Congratulations. Our relationship is now open over. I felt bad for not having the courage to tell him face to face but honestly, I just didn't even want to face him even for one minute.

He kept calling me non-stop yesterday and leaving lots of messages, some of them saying how much he misses me and loves me, some of them saying how glad he is that it's over and how he has been cheating on me for the past year. No idea if that's true. I'm staying at my sister's for now and looking for a new apartment. I'm still sad and angry but thinking about Jack coming home to a half empty apartment (without a bed, that one was mine) makes me smile. Thanks again, internet strangers, you really opened my eyes!

tl;dr: I broke up with him.

Relevant Comments

OOP clarifies on the possible post from her ex and if she was certain it was from him. Did the ex admit the post wasn't from him?

> OOP: Well, it was a little different actually. But the commentors in the last thread said that it's not unusual to change some details so maybe that's what he did? Anyway, as I said in my OP I actually found videos and not "pics and gifs", also he didn't tell me she sent them to him but that he forgot he had them.

Commenter 1: Haha, his username ends with "_mgdwtbm", and at first I thought it was gibberish... but then it suddenly clicked: "My Girlfriend Doesn't Want To Blow Me". Made me chuckle.

On a side note, I'm glad you got rid of him. His reaction to the breakup simply confirms that you made the right choice.

> OOP: omg I didn't even get this, but you're right! Yes, him telling me he cheated on me for a year hurt, but it showed me I made the right choice!

Commenter 2:

> saying how glad he is that it's over and how he has been cheating on me for the past year. No idea if that's true

Whether it's true or he's looking for the worst possible way to hurt you, it just confirms you're well rid of him. (Probably couldn't hurt to get an STD test to be on the safe side, though.)

> OOP: Good idea. Definitely going to do that.

Commenter 3: Good for you! On a side note, I find it hilarious that he thinks women would be lining up to provide him with BJs.

> OOP: Yes, obviously his ex gave him a bit of a wrong idea about how much women love blowjobs...

Commenter 4: Eh, awful to say but there's a lot of people that are easily seduced by a good body/face and basic social skills. We don't know the guy obviously, but it can't be ruled out.

Cads tend to be cads because they're good-looking/charming enough to fool otherwise intelligent women, the same way asshole women are asshole women because they're good-looking/charming enough to hijack the reasoning center of every heterosexual male within sight distance.

When someone that good-looking/charming seems interested, most people are willing to roll the dice to see if they're that one-in-a-x person that has those highly attractive qualities and is a great person underneath, instead of someone who will never be as good-looking/charming but is demonstrably and even tangibly a better person.

Sad, but true.

> OOP: Yes, he is very good looking, charming, outgoing, has TONS of friends and pre-relationship he was also very spontaneous, romantic, thoughtful, making lots of small surprises etc. When we got exclusive that's when the problems started. Maybe he's just not cut out for monogamy. Too bad for him that that's what 99% of people want.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Hefty_Sprinkles_5723

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

I 32F think my husband’s (40M) mistress is stalking me

Trigger Warnings: >!abandonment, emotional manipulation, deception!<

Original Post: May 25, 2026

We’re currently separated after I found out he’s been having an affair with the same person for years. I first found out five years ago and we worked things out. He swore he’d ended things with her and I believed him. We had our last child (4M) during that period.

Since the year started I’d been getting messages on Facebook and Instagram from accounts with no followers telling me my husband was having an affair. The dms had details about the trips he’d taken with her, how they go on dates, have a child together and all his friends, mum and siblings knew her. I asked him often if he was still seeing her and he denied it. What pushed me over the edge was when I saw earrings and a scrunchie that weren’t mine in my car after he’d borrowed it for a day. I went through his phone and saw that he was still with her. They even had sex tapes, and he was constantly telling her how much better sex was with her. How he loved her and wanted to be with her. Its obvious he’s gotten very strong feelings for her. He admitted to everything, including the child they have together. I left the house and went to my mum’s to take a break. We’ve been officially separated for a month.

The problem now is that his mistress keeps showing up to places I go to often. The playground I take the kids to, the bookshop where I buy their school supplies, where I take the girls to get their hair done. We went to get ice cream once and I could’ve sworn I saw her. I know what she looks like from the pictures and videos they have together. I feel like I’m going crazy. These are all public places so there’s nothing I can do about it. She just sits there and stares at us. It’s making me very uneasy.

What is the best way to address this situation? I can’t ask for her to be kicked out of a public place. She’s always with her daughter anyway so it never looks weird that a woman and her child are at the same place I go to with my kids. I’m not speaking to my husband unless it’s about the kids and don’t want to ask him yet.

(editor's note: OOP updated the next day on the original post)

UPDATE: Thank you for all your advice. I confronted my husband about it. He said she’s not showing up at places I go to, I’m the one going to places she frequents.

My husband used to be the one who took the kids out on weekends since he’s virtually never at home on weekdays. I do school pickup and drop off and he does the “fun stuff”. All the places he used to take the kids to, which I’m doing now since they’re with me, were suggested by her. That’s where she buys her books. The playground is where she used to take her nieces and nephews before their daughter was born. She recommended the salon to him since my daughters and her have the same hair texture. He says she used to go to the salon on Sundays after church, but only recently switched it up to Saturdays (when I take the girls). The ice cream place is apparently her favourite.

So yeah, my dick of a husband had been taking our kids to his mistress’s favourite spots. My kids already love going to all those places, and finding a salon that caters to our daughters’ hair needs close to us will be difficult. He didn’t show any remorse telling me about it, and reminding me that it’s a public space and she hasn’t committed any crime. I’m just going to have to find better alternatives.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You don't need relationship advice, you need legal advice.

Start with the divorce and then discuss the stalking. Have everything written down - time of day, date, where, were your kids with you, all of it. And stay off social media ("About to go to X Salon with the kids!" or whatever).

The attorney can advise you on the possibility of a TRO.

Talk to an attorney immediately.

> OOP: I don’t post on social media. My last post was from 2019.

Commenter 2: You should make a police report.

> OOP: I can’t easily get a police report since she’s not trespassing. They’re all public spaces.

Commenter 3: Is it possible she planted an air tag in your car?

> OOP: I doubt it. My phone would’ve picked up on it.

Commenter 4: Totally on your side here but I’m just thinking, if these were her spots and your husband was taking your kids to meet her there, could she be thinking/feeling the same way you are? Like “wow this lady is obsessed with me she keeps showing up where I am”… because technically your husband piggy-backed off her spots and shuffled them onto you without informing you she would likely be there because it’s her routine not his.

It could be a little of both due to the DMs but honestly I’m thinking she’s just doing her normal outings and you started showing up, and perhaps now she’s more intentionally going just to see if you’ll be there. Idk this is a crazy situation.

Best revenge is happiness. This marriage is over. I’d focus on getting out and your own happiness. Start going to different places and building up different friendships.

> OOP: That might’ve initially been the case, but now that she’s intentionally switched up her routine, it’s no longer a coincidence.

Commenter 5: So IF he is telling the truth and not covering for her, that SOB was seeing her in these places too. With your kids. Start looking for alternate spots.

> OOP: My kids said he didn’t introduce anyone to them. They’re the chattiest kids and would’ve mentioned it. I think she just gave him ideas on where to take them since she used to babysit for her nieces and nephews.

OOP on getting a lawyer and filling for child support

> OOP: I’m not in the US. But I’m working on putting together everything for a lawyer.

Commenter 6: Move as far away as you can and get sole custody

> OOP: It’s not that simple. The kids need to be close to their schools and sole custody isn’t easy to get here.

Commenter 7: Í wonder what she wants, why she wants to see you. Aren’t you curious too? Why not just ask her (not in front of the kids tho)?

> OOP: To what end? My husband broke our marriage. He made a conscious decision to be with her and have a child with her. It wasn’t an accident. They actually decided to have a child together and did it.

Commenter 8: Turn off location sharing if you were using it, kids devices too. Check around your car for a GPS monitor.

> OOP: The kids don’t have any devices, and we never share our location. Turns out she knows where I go with the kids thanks to my husband.

OOP provided more details since her last conversation with her husband

> OOP: We haven’t spoken since our last conversation where he said she suggested the places I take the kids to, which was why she kept turning up too. We only communicate about the kids now. I took my kids to a new salon which is about an hour away from the previous one. He’s going to be the one taking them to the other places on weekends now so I’m no longer going to worry about meeting her.

&nbsp;

Update: August 7, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update - I 32F think my husband's (40M) mistress is stalking me.

We’re getting a divorce. My lawyer assures me that the whole process shouldn’t take more than a year.

My husband’s mistress has apparently been accepted into a graduate program in another country and my husband had been planning on relocating with her. She’ll be leaving before the year ends and he was planning on closing his business, selling his assets and leaving with her. He was just going to leave under the guise of a job opportunity and after enough time had passed for separation, file for a divorce. At least we both get what we wanted this way.

Our oldest daughter is very attached to him and I worry a lot about how she’ll take the news. How do I explain to our kids that their dad is leaving the country and will possibly never return long term?

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: Normally, I would suggest to protect the kids. Not share to much to hurt them. The amount of pain it can cause and confusion. And how co-parenting is a need for the children's sake to not poison their feelings toward a side.

But he is leaving for his side piece, to another country. He planned originally to just go, stay, and then divorce. All while cheating you out of your share of assets..... AND his own kids comfort. Not to mention had no plans to be a father to them once he moved... Age appropriate explanation should be done with answers given in time as they can process and understand better when they ask questions. His actions originally was going to be bad on them anyway. So no need to protect his feelings or reputation with them. But not to hurt the kids. The 4yr should be told dad wanted to live in another country, so he will not be living with them anymore. If you have a teen for example, Dad had an affair and wants to move to another country to be with them. So your divorcing.

Their father, as you said; planned to sneak away and do you dirty as a wife. Steal everything built together for his own desires. And abandon his own kids in the process. So tell kids enough but no details that is not age appropriate. Without any care of how he looks otherwise. Anyone who says something to yo, make it clear what his plans were by leaving you and abandoning the kids. Then manipulate the situation to steal assets... Harming you and the kids.

> OOP: For now I’m going to tell them we’re getting a divorce and their dad is leaving the country. Since we’ve been living separately for a while now, they already know we’re no longer together.

Commenter 2: You better have your attorney put a some kind of a stop on that business so he can’t sell it out and under you if you’re entitled to part of it and if you’re married, you should be entitled to a 50-50 or something similar to that. Make sure that your attorney does that because if he doesn’t, he’ll turn around and sell it and be gone.

> OOP: It doesn’t really work like that where I’m from. Since I didn’t contribute to his business in any way I’m not entitled to it.

Commenter 3: The question does not seem to be related to the topic but with regards to the child, you need to sit with her together and explain that he is going away. He is her Father and needs to explain himself to her it should not just be your job.

Commenter 4: When it comes to children, don’t lie.

Many parents will cover up the fact that a parent cheated or pretend that they just don’t love each other anymore. it’s even more important now to be the honest parent though, whom your kids can rely on to tell the truth, because this is a betrayal of them and your family, as much as it’s a betrayal of you.

It also means they are fully informed and can decide on the level of their own relationship with the dad going forward. It’s unfair on them to have a relationship with him in a way they may not have chosen to if they knew the circumstance.

You must tell them in an age appropriate way though, and the aim isn’t to make them hate their dad, but understanding the issue in a truthful way.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway7693200

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO for refusing to let my husband name our daughter after his "best friend"?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Trigger Warnings: >!deception, death of a loved one!<

Original Post: August 4, 2026

I (29F) gave birth to our daughter three days ago and somehow we're still arguing about her name. I'm writing this while she's asleep because I can't sleep anyway, and I honestly don't even know if I'm overreacting anymore.

My husband (31M) has wanted to name her Claire for basically my entire pregnancy. He told me it was the name of one of his closest friends who died a few years before we met. I said no almost immediately. Not because I dislike the name, I actually think it's pretty, but because I wasn't comfortable naming our first child after somebody I'd never met or even heard of until I got pregnant. I figured he'd be disappointed, we'd throw around a bunch of other names, and eventually we'd find one we both liked. That never happened.

Every few weeks he'd bring Claire up again, sometimes while we were already talking about names and sometimes completely out of nowhere. By the end of my pregnancy I was honestly tired of having the same conversation over and over.

The thing that's bothering me now isn't even the name. We've been together for over five years, married for two, and somehow I'd never heard this woman's name until I was pregnant. I've met his parents, his brothers, his college friends, people he's known forever, and nobody has ever mentioned a Claire.

I even asked one of his college friends at our baby shower because I thought maybe I'd somehow forgotten hearing about her, and he just looked confused and said he didn't know who I was talking about. Then, after our daughter was born while we were filling out the paperwork, my husband asked one last time if I'd reconsider. I said no, and that's when he told me he'd always imagined naming his daughter after her. I asked why he'd never told me that before, and he just shrugged and said he didn't think it mattered. We've argued about it twice since we got home. He keeps saying I'm making this into something it isn't, but I just don't understand how somebody can matter enough that you picture naming your future daughter after them, yet somehow they never come up in five years together.

My mom thinks I should let him have the name because it's obviously meant something to him for a long time. My sister thinks that's exactly why I shouldn't.

Maybe I'm just exhausted because I've barely slept since I gave birth, but I'm so tired of feeling like I'm missing part of the story. It's gotten to the point where I'm thinking about calling his mom and asking who Claire was because I don't know what else to do. It feels completely out of line, but so does finding out about somebody this important while I'm filling out our daughter's birth certificate.

Would I be overreacting if I called her?

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

(editor’s note: NOR = not overreacting)

Commenter 1: NOR. Ask his mother about Claire.

Commenter 2: NOR. Naming a child is two yeses, one no. And honestly, I’d want answers too. Before calling his mom, ask him directly how they met, when she died, and why none of his longtime friends seem to know her. The shrugging would bother me more than the name.

Commenter 3: NOR! This is how a child gets (unknowingly by one parent) named after the "one who got away" for the other parent.

&nbsp;

Editor's note: OOP updated onto the original post

Update: August 6, 2026 (two days later)

Update: I wasn't expecting to update this two days later, but a lot happened really fast. First, thanks to everyone who commented. A bunch of you told me to talk to my mother-in-law because she'd probably know the answer. I went back and forth on it for a while because it felt weird to go around my husband like that, but eventually I did call her. She asked if I wanted to meet for coffee the next morning, so I did.

I honestly thought I was going to leave feeling embarrassed. I figured she'd tell me Claire really was just a close friend and I'd realize I'd let myself get carried away because I'm exhausted and emotional and just had a baby. The first thing she asked me was what my husband had already told me about Claire. I said that she'd been his best friend and he wanted to name our daughter after her. She just kind of looked at me for a second. Then she told me they'd been engaged.

The more we talked, the more names came up. His parents knew, his brother knew, and one of his old roommates knew because they'd lived together at the time. Funny enough it was the same friend who I'd asked at our baby shower, no one had told me anything.

Apparently most people just knew he'd been dating someone who got sick, his mom told me Claire was diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer not long after they started dating. Things moved fast after that because they knew they probably didn't have years together, so he proposed. She died not long after. She also told me she'd assumed I'd known about all of this for years.

When we got engaged she thought he'd already told me. Same thing when we got married. Same thing when I got pregnant. I call bullshit but maybe I'm just looking to point fingers. I drove home after that and just waited for him to get back from work because there wasn't any chance I was going to act like everything was normal. I confronted him that night and it went awful, truly he acted like an entirely different person.

At first he wanted to know why I'd gone to his mom. Then it became that I had no right to dig into his past. Then it became that Claire had nothing to do with our marriage. Then it was that I'd betrayed his trust by involving his family. It just kept changing.

I'd answer one thing and we'd somehow end up arguing about something else, I asked him when he planned on telling me he'd been engaged because we'd already been together for over five years, married for two, and now we had a daughter. He said he always meant to tell me. But he didn't, he never fucking told me and I'm so angry at how selfish it was.

I packed a bag that night and went to my sister's house with the baby. Before people assume we're getting divorced, that's not why I left, I still love this man and we have a child together, I couldn't imagine raising her split in two households. I left because we were both angry and I could tell the argument wasn't going anywhere. My sister's been helping with the baby. Yesterday she realized I hadn't eaten since breakfast and practically shoved a sandwich into my hands because I'd completely forgotten, this whole thing has been exhausting and I haven't slept at all.

A few people asked about the birth certificate. The hospital told us we had time to finish the paperwork after we left, so we weren't forced to pick a name before going home. We obviously aren't going to leave it forever, but right now neither of us is in any position to make that decision. My sister started calling her Ellie because she said she felt weird saying "the baby" all the time, and somewhere over the last day I've started doing it too. I don't know if that's going to end up being her name but its the working filler while the shitstorm is ongoing.

My husband has been calling and texting since I left. He wants to see our daughter, and we've made that happen because none of this has anything to do with her. Whatever is going on between us, she's still his daughter and he loves her. I don't want people getting the idea that I'm trying to keep her away from him because I'm not. I've seen a lot of comments saying the real issue is that he loved someone before me. It really isn't. If he'd told me about Claire years ago, I don't think we'd be here. I would've felt awful for him. I probably would've cried hearing what happened but i wouldn't have held it against him.

What really hurts is the lies and the manipulation. But then again can you even call it lying? It's not like I ever asked him "Oh were you married before" because who the hell asks that? Instead, I found out because he wanted our daughter to have her name, and then I found out from his mother that she'd been his fiancée. That's the part I can't look past.

I looked back on my other post and it feels like it was written by someone else. Two days ago I thought we were arguing about a name. God I was so naive. I suppose question has turned into, would I be overreacting to leave him over this? I'm certainly mad but I don't think we're too that point yet, and I don't want that for my baby either.

Anyway, that's where things are. thank you all so much for the support, this has really been a great place to be able to vent and get advice. A very special thanks to all of those who helped me realize I wasn't crazy.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/GwendolynKingsford

Originally posted to r/AITH

AITA for telling my dad I know about his second family after he asked me to keep a secret from my mom for three years?

Editor's note: added paragraph breaks for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!infidelity, emotional manipulation and abuse!<

Original Post: July 27, 2026

I (23F) found out in June 2023 that my dad (54M) had a child with another woman. I found out by accident, I borrowed his phone to call someone and a message notification came up from a woman named Karen with a photo of a little girl who looked exactly like my dad. I confronted him alone that same night and he broke down and admitted everything. The girl is now four years old. He begged me not to tell my mom (51F) and said he was handling it, that it was complicated, that Karen had agreed to keep things quiet and that telling mom would destroy our family. I was 20 years old sitting across from my father watching him cry and I said okay. I kept that secret for three years.

Every family dinner, every holiday, every time my mom talked about how much she trusted my dad I sat there and said nothing. It affected me more than I told anyone. I started therapy in early 2024 specifically because of the anxiety this secret was giving me. My therapist never told me what to do but kept asking me how long I was willing to carry something that was not mine to carry.

Last month in June 2026 my dad sat me down and told me Karen was threatening to tell my mom herself unless he started paying more. He wanted me to help him figure out how to keep it quiet. That was the moment something snapped. I told him I was done. I could not keep doing this.

Two days later I sat down with my mom and told her everything. She was devastated. She is currently staying with her sister and has spoken to a divorce lawyer. My dad is furious and says I betrayed him and destroyed our family. My younger brother (19M) says I should have stayed out of it. My therapist says I made the right call for my own mental health without telling me it was right or wrong. I genuinely do not know if I did the right thing or just the thing I could no longer avoid doing. AITA?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Parents who transfer emotional or financial responsibility to their children are cruel. NTA - your dad needs to grow up.

> OOP: Thank you. That's exactly what it felt like, being handed something that was never mine to hold at 20, and then being asked to help hide it further at 23. I didn't have the words for it before but "cruel" fits.

Commenter 2: Imagine how your mom feels. You didn’t just know. You knew for three years and kept it from her. I would feel as though you betrayed me as well. For three years, you were complicit in your father's lie and betrayal. Sure, you came clean, but you did it for you, not her. Remember that in the future.

> OOP: That's fair, and honestly it's the part I keep sitting with most. I didn't tell her for three years, and yeah, when I finally did it was because I couldn't carry it anymore, not some noble timing on her behalf. I don't think that makes me the villain of it, but I get why it doesn't look clean either.

Commenter 3: The only person who should carry any guilt in this is your father. He lied and cheated on your mother and manipulated you into keeping his secret. He didn't care about her, you, or your mental health. He was completely responsible for it all, not you. Anyone who tries to guilt you is an AH.

> OOP: Thank you. Yeah, I keep coming back to that, he's the one who lied, cheated, and then leaned on me to help hold it together. None of that was ever mine to own.

Commenter 4: NTA. It was affecting your health.

> OOP: Thank you. It genuinely was, that's why I finally had to let it go.

Commenter 5: The audacity of your dad to say you betrayed him when he begged and pleaded for you to betray your mother after he himself betrayed her!

> OOP: Exactly, that word "betrayed" coming from him is what got me. He asked me to be complicit for three years and calls it betrayal when I finally stopped.

Commenter 6: NTA your dad put you in an impossible position and expected you to carry his secret for years. That wasn’t fair to you or your mom. He destroyed the family by cheating, not by you finally telling the truth. You just stopped covering for him.

> OOP: Thank you, that's exactly it, I just stopped covering for him. He's the one who put the crack there in the first place.

Commenter 7: You did the right thing. Your mom needs to get tested. And your mom needs to take daddy dearest to the cleaners...he had his cake and ate it.. Cutting your family finances.. To support a second family. And now he's upset for getting caught. He should have divorced your mom if he was that unhappy with her. Do not feel guilty. Hope your mom forgives you too for not telling her sooner Get your mom to get tested Anyone willing to cheat with a married man might be cheating on him too.

> OOP: That's a lot to take in, but fair points, especially about the testing, hadn't even thought of that angle. Appreciate you laying it out plainly. Hoping my mom gets there on the forgiveness part too, still an open question right now.

&nbsp;

Update: August 5, 2026 (nine days later)

UPDATE: AITA for telling my dad I know about his second family after he asked me to keep a secret from my mom for three years?

It's only been 9 days since I made my original post, but things have moved much faster than I expected.

My mom is still staying with my aunt and has already met with a divorce lawyer to understand her options, although nothing has been officially filed yet. She told me that while the affair itself broke her heart, what hurt even more was realizing my dad had been lying to her for years and had asked me to carry that secret alone. She kept apologizing for not noticing how much it had affected me, and I kept reminding her none of this was her fault.

My dad is still blaming me and insists I destroyed our family instead of giving him more time to "fix things," but I honestly don't know how anyone fixes secretly having another child. We haven't really spoken since.

My younger brother has calmed down a little, even though he's still upset about everything, and I think he's starting to understand why I couldn't keep the secret anymore.

I still haven't met Karen or my half-sister, and I don't know what will happen there. I've continued going to therapy, and while everything still hurts, I also feel a strange sense of relief because I'm no longer carrying a secret that was never mine to keep. Reading the comments on my original post helped me realize that I didn't create this situation, just stopped protecting it.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Deffo NTA mate, your dad is seriously a big one though. Fair play to your mum, would have been easy to lash out at you, your dad on top of being a cheating POS is also a toss bag to you putting that pressure on you. Your brother will come round Hope your mum gets on OK and rinses him for every penny. Don’t know how you will build a relationship with the other woman (I wouldn’t personally but that’s me), but I hope you can kindle some sort of big sibling connection with the half-sister, it’s not her fault, and is still a toddler.

> OOP: Thank you. My brother is still struggling, but I hope he'll come around with time. As for my half-sister, she's completely innocent in all of this, and none of this is her fault.

Commenter 2: As previously stated, this was his problem not yours, and it was wrong for him to expect you to carry it. Keep going to therapy.

> OOP: Thank you. Therapy has honestly been the only thing keeping me grounded through all of this, and I definitely plan to keep going.

Commenter 3: The destroyer is your father. This is all on his head. NTA.

> OOP: Thank you. I'm slowly accepting that, even if it's hard to believe after being blamed for so long.

Commenter 4: Your mum has a big heart, she apologizes for not seeing you carrying the burden! I would love to have her as a friend.

Your dad is irresponsible and lied to your mum so many years. I am very sorry how he treated you. What is different whit more time? All this hurt could only be avoided if he had kept it in his pants many years ago.

I am very sorry for the little girl. She has no father.

> OOP: Thank you. My mom has been incredibly strong through all of this, and I hate that she ever had to go through it. I also feel for my half-sister because none of this was her choice.

Commenter 5: Definitely NTA, your brother is understandably upset and he’s lashing out, but at the wrong person, but like you, his world has just fallen around him, and he sounds a young 19yo.

Your dad in the other hand is a fucking child and needs to face up to what he has done and be a man about it rather than pushing it onto you! You absolutely did the right thing, not just for yourself but the family.

> OOP: Thank you. I don't blame my brother for struggling with this. I just wish my dad had taken responsibility instead of expecting me to carry the consequences of his choices.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/JM1905

Originally posted to r/AskMenAdvice

Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!mental health struggles!<

Original Post: April 4, 2026

Hi everyone,

I (25M) was in a relationship with my fiancée (23F) for 3 years. I proposed in October 2025, and up until recently I genuinely thought we were happy.

Last week, she told me she’d met a guy at the gym. Over a few weeks, they got to know each other and she developed feelings for him. When he asked her out, it made her question our relationship, and she decided to end things.

I’m still trying to process it. The shock has worn off and now it’s just… heavy. I’m dealing with anxiety, poor sleep, no appetite, and I can’t focus properly. I wear a smart watch and even my resting heart rate has been noticeably higher.

I’ve got a high-pressure job and I’m worried this is going to start affecting my performance. I’m already going to the gym daily and taking magnesium and melatonin, but I still feel constantly on edge and nauseous (seriously I feel like I could vomit throughout the day).

If anyone has been through something similar, how did you cope in those first few weeks? How do you calm your body down, sleep better, and start to feel even a little bit normal again? Is there any medication I can take to help with the anxiety and nausea?

I’d really appreciate the advice because it could help me greatly through a challenging time. Thank you.

EDIT: I woke up this morning to over 300 comments on my post and honestly, I wasn’t ready for it. I sobbed reading through all the advice and people sharing their own stories.

It’s so easy to forget there are real people behind the screen, but I’m one of them. And the few minutes you took to write a comment genuinely meant something to me.

I’m going through what feels like the lowest point in my life, and somehow a bunch of strangers on the internet made it feel a little less lonely.

So yeah… thank you, I will continue reading all your comments. Seriously.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments in this original post

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Sorry to hear this.

First: this relationship is over. The sooner you move on the better off you will be. Note: if she comes back it will be a mistake to get back together with her. She has already left you once, when your relationship was good and “easy”. Ive been with my wife for over 30 years. Trust me: there will be trying times. If she won’t stick with you now she sure as hell won’t stick with you when the going gets rough. I know it’s hard to think about moving on - but trust me: do it.

You deserve better. This didn’t happen because of you. It happened because of her.

Be grateful it happened now rather than later.

You will find someone else.

I had a serious girlfriend I was planning to ask to marry me. We broke up. I was busted for a long time. My wife is wayyyyyy better.

My motto: keep moving forward. Workout. Set goals. Have fun. One inch. One step. Keep moving. Life is a marathon not a sprint. You will survive this and be better for it.

Commenter 2: Be glad you’re young and you didn’t get married. She did you a huge favor, hard to see right now though.

Commenter 3: Gym relationships are based on pure physical attraction. He's a pretty boy with muscles and she's obviously that shallow that it worked. If it makes you feel better he'll dump her ass as soon as he's banged her a few times. She'll be devastated and will contact you again saying she's "had time to think" lol. Then you get to tell her hoe ass to get lost

Commenter 4: She’ll be back. And when she does, slam the door in her face.

&nbsp;

Update: August 4, 2026 (four months later)

UPDATE: Fiancée (23F) left me (25M) for someone she met at the gym, what now?

Hello everyone,

Around four months ago (in April), I made a post here at what was probably the lowest point of my life.

I wanted to come back with an update, partly to thank everyone who took the time to reply, but also in the hope that someone currently in the position I was in might read this and realise that things really can get better.

First of all, thank you to everyone who told me she would be back. I remember thinking it was strange that so many people said the exact same thing. At the time, I didn’t really understand why (lol I still don’t know what the psychology is behind it). Well… you were all right.

2 months ago (in June), I got the call. She told me she’d been dating the guy from the gym and, unsurprisingly to everyone here, she’d slept with him several times. She said she’d woken up one day and realised she’d made a “mistake” and was willing to do “anything” to make the relationship work again. I declined and politely asked her not to contact me again. (I also blocked her, her friends and her family).

Had it not been for the advice from so many people on my original post, I genuinely think I might have given in. So, from the bottom of my heart, thank you.

Today, I’m in a much better place and genuinely happy with my own company. I wanted to share a few things that really helped me.

I stopped isolating myself. Instead of lifting weights alone, I started trying different classes at my gym. I ended up really enjoying them and met some great people that way.

I went on a two week solo trip. I took myself out for meals, explored new places, and just enjoyed my own company.

I read a lot of the books people recommended in the comments. No More Mr. Nice Guy was the one that resonated with me the most.

I leaned on my family and existing friends. I made a point of arranging lunches and coffee catch ups instead of sitting at home.

I started counselling. Being able to say everything out loud to someone with no personal bias helped far more than I expected.

Most importantly, I embraced the time alone and journaled a lot. I learned a lot about who I am outside of that relationship and wrote down the things I wanted from my life.

I’ve only recently started dating again, and it’s actually been enjoyable. I’m not rushing into anything, it’s simply been nice meeting new people and learning about different personalities.

Healing isn’t quick, and the damage from the breakup definitely affected me. I still have some reservations about dating, but I’ve also learned about the boundaries I will never compromise on again.

If you’re reading this because you’re going through something similar, please believe me when I say this. It doesn’t feel like it now, but it really does get better. The person who walked away wasn’t the right person for you.

And to everyone who took the time to comment on my original post, thank you. Your advice genuinely changed the direction of my life.

Relevant / Top Comments

Commenter 1: I read your last post man, wouldn't it be crazy having a conversation with yourself now and yourself 4 months ago? Happy for you brother, and be happy in the knowledge you're that much stronger now that you know when things get bad, you can pull yourself out. Also, piece of advice, this time date around a bit more, be picky, and find your perfect person. ++man

> OOP's only comment in this update: Thank you my man. I vividly remember writing that post, I felt embarrassed that I was going to Reddit for advice at the time, but I’m so glad I did. It would be so crazy to have a conversation with that version of myself, I felt like my entire life was over. ++man

Commenter 2: Knew she would be back. I am glad you handled it the way you did and keep enjoying your life

Commenter 3: I guarantee you she didn't just "wake up one morning and realized it was a mistake" that gym bro got what he wanted and moved on to the next one

Commenter 4: I love these delusional people who think they can have a backup in case new exciting doesn’t work out.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Im_I_The_Problem

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Boyfriend (M23) of 2 years had no bday gift, card or plans for us and kept me waiting to hang out until 10pm because he was playing videogames. I no longer wanted to hang out after that, so he claimed I am just moody and having an attitude about this

Trigger Warnings: >!neglect / gaslighting!<

Original Post: August 28, 2021

It's my birthday today, and some stuff went down with my boyfriend of 2 years that I could really need other people's opinions on:

- we're in a committed relationship for over 2 years (currently long-distance)

- he only remembered my birthday cause another friend congratulated me while we were in a group voice chat

- he had no gift, card or even a long sweet message for me, and hadn't even planned anything concrete to do together on my bday

- He did however say he will be mine all day and we'll do whatever I want (-> I had to plan my own birthday, and he would just comply to it - and not even that happened as you'll see:

- he then added that just one thing needs to be done first (a pc game match), if that's okay

- I agreed that ofc he could go play that match (they take only 45 minutes, and it was only 2:40pm), which he said he'd get done asap to make time for me...but he didn't.

- Instead, he sat in VC with his friends all day and left me to myself while he played a different game solo

- He did make occasional small talk in my DMs, but the whole day went by without him doing anything with me, so I got distant in my replies. Not unfriendly, but less invested & affectionate

- He said later: "By 8pm I should definitely be done with my match, else I'll just cancel that game match". But even then, he didn't. He finished by 9:30pm. The match can be played any day btw.

- he had me waiting till 10pm before we could actually even start doing things together. He kept me on standby all day for video games and I couldn't even go do much else, cause he was supposedly gonna be free to spend the day anytime soon. It overshadowed my entire day.

- So when he hit me up by 10pm, I no longer wanted to hang out and gave a summary of the day and his total lack of effort as explanation, concluding that if I wait until only 2 hours of my bday are left even though he's been free all day, so I might as well spend the remaining two hours alone as well.

- That upset him. His reaction was insensitive and rude: He said "too bad", that he "tried", that I gave him a "fuck off attitude" all day and that he after all offered to do hang out. He claimed I just "got a mood" and added dismissively "whatever dude, enjoy the last 2hrs of your special day, I'm out o/". An hour later he came back pointing out that he now feels empty, hollow and worthless and is "sorry for disappointing" me, and said he'd go sleep now

So am I just having unrealistic expectations in thinking that he should have had planned at least something, written a nice long message or have had any kind of small gift or have prioritized spending time with me? Thank you in advance for your time and opinion

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No he’s gaslighting you, this is toxic. He sounds awful And you deserve better. Also happy birthday I’m sorry it’s been so shitty but there will be better days :(

> OOP: Thank you, I hope the next one will be better

Commenter 2: If you stick around and still with him on his birthday, give him the same he gave you. If he gets mad, just say, don’t get mad cause I pulled a YOU on YOU. Yeah, I'm petty like that.

> OOP: His birthday is actually in less than two weeks. I will probably not buy the gifts I had planned for him anymore now. But if it comes to fighting fire with fire, I think that that would end very nasty with him, so rather not, haha

Commenter 3: Oh goodness. Okay long story short: it's the age old adage that actions speak louder than words. He put zero effort into making your day special or even remembering it ffs, he repeatedly made you an option not a priority, and then he gaslights you to try to make you feel sorry for him? Yeah, no thanks. Is this a one off instance or is he like this all the time? I would seriously reevaluate why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. If this was how your friend's boyfriend treated them- what would you tell that friend? Because I'd tell them they're worth more than video games and to find someone who appreciates their worth.

> OOP: It's not the first time I felt neglected in favor of his games or friends, no, it has actually been a topic often

Commenter 4: And why are u with this child for 2 years?

> OOP: Because I felt a connection to him, intense passion, because we've both had really awful childhoods, because he felt unlovable and I wanted to show him there's someone who will always believe in the good in him

&nbsp;

Update: September 4, 2021 (one week later)

I figured people might be interested in the next chapter. The advice I had gotten in the last thread was very clear: To break up with that guy, because he's selfish, immature, manipulative and lacks respect. Well, I didn't get to that, and here's why.

The next morning he sent me a long voice message to apologize (but it was not really an apology, cause he did say sorry and that he fucked up, but blamed me for the way he acted). He asked for a call that evening to hash things out. I agreed to listen to what he'd have to say, though my expectations were low after having heard his nonpology before and having made up my mind pretty much to leave him. Things seemed okay, until I pointed out that while I understand his point of view, gaslighting and manipulating me the day before was still not okay. He got very upset about that, claimed *"This is too hard!"* and followed it up with *"We should call it quits"*. So yeah, he first ruined my birthday and then broke up with me the day after my birthday, and tried to make himself look like the victim in the process, too. It was not planned, just an impulsive anger reaction. But he picked a day I sure won't forget.

As you can imagine, I did not hold him back. We actually had a nice talk after that and then that was it. Somewhen late at night he left a DM saying that he may feel things weirdly, but actually loves me and cares about me. Frankly, I even think he means that. But his actions have shown the opposite, and it has been enough. He didn't ask to get me back or so, I guess he just wanted it out there.

It's been a couple of days since that night. On the first night I cried a lot, because despite all I deeply cared about him and would have loved to make him happy. Just not at the cost of being disregarded and hurt too often. Occasionally he checked in on me since that breakup. I guess you could read that negatively as hovering, but idk, I think he just really wanted to be nice now and not leave burned ground. We rarely spoke though, and I mostly focused on my own interests and things that are good for improving my well-being now. His days barely changed, I guess. Excessive gaming, day to night, if possible whilst hanging out in a call with his friends. Well, he'll no longer get distracted from that.^^ I'm still sad, but also feel freed and my friends - and you, reddit people, have been so supportive. Thank you to everyone who offered advice in the last thread. To new chapters. Cheers o/

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This makes me so sad. I was in a relationship for 2 years that wasn't nearly this bad, but did involve me initiating about 90% of the time and being stood up nearly every other time I made plans. I remember receiving a notification on Valentine's Day (our anniversary, coincidentally) that I had a gift ready for pickup and finally feeling a spark of hope inside. When I went to pick it up, it was from a friend.

Remind yourself that you deserve better if you ever consider going back. There are far better things ahead.

I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I know it's not easy.

> OOP: Thank you for the nice message. I added a little warning to his accounts that remind me of what he is like (only I can see it), in case I ever feel tempted. I hope that keeps me from taking him back when he tries to lure me back in

Commenter 2: Next time he "checks in on you", tell him you're still waiting on your fucking birthday present. Stop engaging with this dude. I know that's easy for me to say, but he has proven that he will blame you for something that is his problem. This is not healthy. Move on from him. Close the door, call up friends or family, and disengage!

> OOP: Oh, nah, I want no gift from him anymore. In fact, even on that day a really sweet message or plans for us would have been enough, though I would have gotten him a gift on his birthday. I don't reach out to him, I just live my life now and try to move on in peace

Commenter 3: He says he "loves" you and "cares" about you. He doesn't know what those words mean. Cut him out of your life.

> OOP: Yeah, I think he really doesn't know. He grew up being abused and is on the spectrum. That does of course not give him a free pass to be a jerk. But I think he loved me the only way he was capable of loving. I think there is actually no malicious intent in his behaviour towards me, he just really doesn't have more love to give. Not even for himself. He's selfish, but he doesn't like himself

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/john_7292

Originally posted to r/AmIOverreacting

AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!emotional neglect, misogyny, internalized homophobia!<

Original Post: July 3, 2026

So for some context my wife and I (both 29 yrs old) are both fairly religious Christians, but she and her family take it more seriously than I do. Before we married we discussed that she wants a traditional marriage where she is SAHM. I would be fine with her working, but I do believe a man should be a provider, so this is fine with me too and that's what we've done. She said she didn't like modern men who do things like wear a baby sling or push a stroller and I was fine with that.

Our first child was born a bit over 4 yrs ago and then our second a little under 2 years later. When our kids were young I admittedly did not help with them very much. She had a lot of help from both her mom and mine, and I also was working long hours in these days. So I never changed a diaper, maybe fed them a couple of times. If I tried to step in she would generally wave me off and say I shouldn't worry about it, so I didn't. Her mom actually lived with us until my youngest was about 6 months old and still visits fairly often. Her sister sometimes comes over to help too. So she definitely has her "village" so to say.

But now that the kids are getting older and I'm working less, making more money, I honestly want to be involved more. But it's like she doesn't want me to do anything for them ever. She always brushes me off and says that's a woman's job, I shouldn't be doing that, and even that our kids shouldn't see a man picking up dirty laundry or making them snacks. I think that's weird, my parents have a traditional marriage, but my dad still did stuff like that from time to time and I turned out fine. If she sees me playing with them she usually doesn't look happy and tries to distract them from it after a little while. This is getting really bothersome because those are my kids too. I would think most women would be happy their husband wants to do stuff like that.

It all kind of finally came to a final straw the other day when I had a day off work. I secretly turned off her alarm in the night so she could sleep in that morning. I woke up early, bought her some flowers and made the kids breakfast (there was some for her too when she woke up). I'm not gonna lie, we haven't had sex in a while either and that was part of my thinking here. But I thought it would be a nice thing to do for her and a nice morning to spend with the kids and it was. I thought maybe we could all go to the park later since it was a nice day.

My wife ended up waking up around 7 AM (normally 5:30 or 6 for her) and came down to see what was going on. I could see that she was hiding her anger for the kids. She smiled and said isn't that a nice thing daddy did but the look she gave me was glaring. Then she said to my 4 year old son why don't you take your sister to watch tv. When they went to the next room she started whispering quietly at me like, what the hell were you thinking, why would you do something like that, why would you let me sleep in, do you think I'm a bad mother?

Honestly this kinda got my hackles up because I did nothing wrong here and I retorted, do you think I'm a bad father? Why do you never want me to do anything with the kids? She flat out denied it and said that is not true, she just doesn't want me overstepping in to take on women's work. It's setting a bad example and I'm acting woke (and all these other things). So I asked her what she DOES think it's okay for me to do for/with the kids and she kinda stopped for a second like she didn't really have an answer. Then she said it's a father's job to be a provider and disciplinarian.

I was like, that's it? You think I'm here to make a paycheck and yell at them if they do something bad? And she got upset and said NO it's just not my job to take over mother's roles and it makes me less of a man and her less of a woman.

At this point we were both starting to raise our voices, and I looked into the next room, and I was like can we please try to calm down, we don't need to scare the kids. Can you honestly explain to me why it's a problem for a father to make his kids breakfast and buy his wife flowers? But she just got more upset and said if I didn't understand then I'm not the man she married and I'm not godly.

Honestly I just gave up and went out and spent the rest of the day walking around the mall and doing some errands. I came home and the kids were in bed, and she didn't speak to me, and I slept in the guest bedroom. It's been a couple days now and we still haven't talked and frankly I don't even know what to say to here. The more I think about it the more upset I get. I keep trying to see it from her perspective and all I can think is maybe it wasn't right for me to change her alarm because she might have had things she wanted to do that morning, but this is obviously much bigger than that.

AIO to this? Should I try to find some compromise with her or what?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Go to marriage counseling with a counselor or y’all’s preacher. Taking care of your children is BOTH parents jobs??? Providing isn’t just shelter and food. It’s providing love, care, and support to them as well.

> OOP: This is actually a great idea, and I do not think our pastor will agree with her at all. So I will be interested to see how she reacts to that. I will talk to her about it thank you.

Commenter 2: Please don't let your kids think this is normal, men should have a good relationship with their children.

> OOP: I really don't want them to think this is right either, I hope we can resolve it while they are still quite young.

Commenter 3: This is the strangest thing I’ve ever heard. You sound like a dream husband. I wish I could have a day to sleep in. Moms are humans and deserve time off and personal time. And kids need to see men doing chores.

> OOP: I hope I didn't make myself come off as a saint because I'm definitely not, but I wanted to do something nice for my wife and kids which I rarely have had time to - and to be cut back like this over it was very hurtful.

Commenter 4: Y’all need couples therapy at a minimum. But I’m guessing she won’t think that’s very “godly.”

ETA: I’m happily not a parent and happily not religious so perhaps I’m out of touch, but if she’s blocking you from having the relationship you want to have with your kids, that is a major problem. Her being their mother does not give her the right or weird responsibility to dictate that. And remember your kids will learn from what they see, even this young, so if you want your kids to see men a certain way, you need to model that even if your wife doesn’t like it.

Also who the hell gets mad about sleeping in and being able to relax for a bit, wtf

ETA2: Agree with others: if she wants to lean so fucking hard into gender roles then tell her it’s her duty as a woman to shut her hole and let you do what you want because you’re the man.

> OOP: I am definitely going to try to get her to see our pastor for counseling. I don't think there's any way she can disagree to that and claim not to be a hypocrite. > > I would never tell my wife to shut her hole and do as I say, I am the leader of the house, that does not make her my slave.

Commenter 5: What exactly do you think we can tell you? You married this. You agreed to this idiocy. You had kids with this. Wait until you get divorced. Shit will hit the fan. Homeschooling (handicapping) your kids, no outside people, etc. Y'all just baffle me.

NOR but get your life together for your kids if for no one else.

> OOP: I agreed to a traditional marriage with the one my parents had in mind, where my dad was a good dad and played with us, chatted with us, took us to soccer practice and fun things like fairs, taught us things, showed good values, cleaned up after himself, even made dinner sometimes, and my mom was a SAHM. I did not agree to this. We also are not homeschooling.

Commenter 6: NOR

I think she has gone waaaaayyy past the old 'traditions'. She is pushing you out of your children’s lives on the excuse of 'it's not manly'. Well I am sorry but even back in the day a lot of dad's would do things with their children and those who didn't... their kids 9 times out of 10 would have grown up resenting them.

You need to have a long, hard think about what you want your role to be with your children. If you want to be able to actually care for them, bond with them and for them to actually have you as part of their everyday lives instead of just being the 'bad' parent/paycheck you will have to leave this marriage. You will never be given that place in your children’s lives as long as you are together with your wife.

> OOP: I agree, it's like she wants me to be the stereotypical absent father who never sees their kids. I didn't think anyone ever thought that was alright even back in the day.

Commenter 7: Make an appointment with your pastor and see what the religion you follow says about all of this nonsense. She's got some control and trust issues for sure. Was she ever abused by a man?

> OOP: I think her father was a bit of an asshole, but he died 15 or so years ago so I don't know firsthand. I will definitely be making a counseling appointment with our pastor thank you.

Downvoted Commenter: YOR

Yes, your wife is very extreme and rigid in her beliefs. Agreed 100%. But you knew this before you married her. Therefore, you are firmly over-reacting. She made very clear SHE was the only one to ever be involved with the kids.

If she suddenly showed you this side abruptly I would agree with you 100%. However, this is very clearly her hill to die on, and she will not compromise with you on this. If you try interacting with the kids in any way, it will get worse.

Bluntly put if you truly want more interaction with the kids, you have to divorce her and push very hard for split custody. That will of course put more responsibility on you, and yes it is indeed the nuclear option for your marriage. Decide if you want that or not. If not, don't ever interact with the kids again. Otherwise, get ready for divorce court.

> OOP: Did she make this clear before we married? Well, she said she wanted a traditional marriage. I definitely had my parents' marriage in mind when she said that. My mom is a SAHM. My dad did not push a stroller or wear a baby sling (though my mom didn't do the baby sling either). He is definitely a masculine man who would think that's weird. But he also was an involved father, and I have so many happy memories of him when I was younger that I'm afraid my kids won't have with me. > > I do not believe in jumping to divorce and that would make things way worse. I don't want to have them part time or never. I don't have literally zero interaction with them now, I see them and talk to them every day. She just doesn't want me "doing" things for them that she sees as her job. I still do sometimes but she pushes back on it, and she's become harsher on that when she does. > > What I want is for her to open her mind to the idea that this is not traditional marriage and a father can be more involved with his kids. And I want to understand what is going on to make her like this because it is hurtful and seems like more than just a misapplied belief at this point.

&nbsp;

Update: August 3, 2026 (one month later)

Update to AIO, my wife believes in strict gender roles?

About a month ago I posted on here about my relationship with my wife and how she is trying to keep me from raising my kids. Thanks everyone to responded to my first post and sorry I didn't reply to everyone. There were a lot more responses than I expected. If you want details you can see the post in my profile. Unfortunately things have taken a turn for the worst. There is a TLDR at the bottom if you scroll down.

A lot of things happened since my last post. I told my wife I wanted to go to counseling with our pastor. She immediately agreed and I could tell she thought he would agree with her on this issue.

The counseling appointment did not go as she expected. When we got there he let us both say our peace first. She said in sum that I was trying to usurp our godly roles as man and wife. She did not get into detailed specifics about the kids. I said I was trying to be a better husband and father and that my wife seemed to have a problem with me interacting with my children.

He asked me some pretty pointed questions about myself as a husband. Am I working hard and providing, yes, am I cheating, drinking, gambling, no. Do I yell and scream, swear, break things, do I hit her or the kids? No. Do I stay out all night, do I run away on fishing trips. No, none of that. At this point he's looking at my wife and asks her if she has anything to add to that? She says not really. I put in that I think I am upholding my marital covenant as a man and provider.

Pastor didn't say anything about that but kept talking to my wife. He started to get some real concrete details out of her. She reaffirmed this is not a situation of abuse or cheating. She said it was effeminate for me to do women's chores and pick up after our kids, make them meals, etc. Not biblical. Etc. Pastor kindly told her there is nothing unbiblical about that, but does she feel like less of a woman if she can't do 100% of those things? She agreed to that. He then started to talk about biblical womanhood and feeling feminine before God, and saying he thinks what we need to do is help my wife feel more womanly in general, so these activities won't feel like a threat to her. And basically that everything will be OK if we add more romance to our marriage.

At this point I was relieved and felt like things were going well. But almost immediately I could tell my wife was unhappy. She started arguing back with the pastor on Adam and Eve and all this. He is a pretty chill guy and he stayed calm and said he basically said as a spiritual leader he wanted to guide our marriage back to happiness and could she please at least give his suggestions a try and see how she feels about it, and we can talk about it again next week. He pointed to some Bible verses about fatherhood and some ones about women doing "manly" things like running a business, to say this isn't all black and white. My wife begrudgingly agreed with him, but I could tell she was still upset.

He has a drawer full of papers with couple's activities in them and he pulled out a few that he said would be good for us. My wife took hers but didn't read it. Awkward car ride home. Pastor told us not to immediately talk about the appointment because it leads to fighting but we didn't have much else to say to each other that evening. We were supposed to have another appointment in 2 weeks. Wife was pretty passive aggressive that night. But over the next week she started to be a little nicer and more relaxed and I thought maybe she had read some of the materials the pastor gave us (I did read mine). I suggested we do an "us day" which is one of the suggestions the pastor had given us, and we agreed to send the kids to my parents a day that weekend (shocker, I'm sure my dad probably helped out with them while they were there).

Well that day ended up being the worst day of my life probably. At first things were nice, I planned everything as the worksheet suggested, made her a nice breakfast, had plans in the afternoon to take her to get her nails done and walk along the lake front which is a date we used to do when we were first dating. But that didn't end up happening because that morning we started talking about some of the big themes of our relationship and our values and goals (again as pastor suggested).

I told her I wanted a loving relationship with a woman I could adore and trust, who has the brains and values to nurture our kids into great adults, who loves me and is there for me, and I would always be there for her. Basically thinking of my mom and dad. But her answer was completely focused on kids. She always wanted kids, she wanted to be a great mother, she wanted a good and trustworthy father to her children. I definitely noticed this and pressed a little harder to ask well what about your husband, what about me? What kind of romance or relationship do you want? She kept deflecting and saying these things aren't as important when you're an adult, past a certain age it's all about your duty to your kids. I disagree with that and plus we are 29, we're still young, we should still have romance and passion and sex!

So at this point she obviously got VERY annoyed that I brought up sex and was rolling her eyes and saying like "oh so that's what this is really about." I tried really hard to say calm and tell her well no it's not what it's about but yeah that's a factor in our relationship, I want intimacy and don't you? She kept deflecting and she started to get upset like in a hurt/scared way. I was asking her - are you not attracted to me? Are you just not interested in sex, are you asexual? No. I don't even remember how it got to this point but finally she ended up blurting out that she's not interested in sex WITH MEN.

Obviously I was stunned. And this is where it all started to come out. Literally I guess. She kind of tried to backpedal but I asked her directly, are you telling me you're a lesbian? And she couldn't deny it. She didn't say yes or no but she started talking about gender roles and how important it is for children to have male and female role models so that they grow up into proper men and women and not confused about sex or stuck in sexual sin. And I asked her again directly to clarify: you are telling me that you're a lesbian and you married me in a marriage with gender roles so that your kids wouldn't end up gay?

She started crying and yelling at me...like... I don't know how lonely it is and she shouldn't be denied a proper married life just because of her sexual sins, she's repented and God will forgive her as long as she keeps working on being a good wife to a man. And all of this is because her father was a shit dad and died when she was young and that's why our kids need to see a real man in their lives.

Well that was a couple weeks ago and as you can imagine the last few weeks have been hell. There is no way I'm staying with her, and I've just been talking to a divorce lawyer and trying to figure out how this will work. And also frankly just crying a lot which I guess is un manly so we never would have worked out anyway. I'm staying with my parents because I don't think the kids should see us interacting this way, but my lawyer told me I should move back or get a custody order, so I need to work on that now. I'm just frankly so numb and I can't believe someone I loved would do this to me.

So that's the update, I wasn't sure if I was going to write this but honestly hearing how crazy she was helped me the first time and I think it will help me again, but I don't think I’m going to keep posting more from here. I would appreciate any advice or perspective on if I am overreacting by not wanting to move back home or be around her and trying to get a 50/50 custody order instead.

TLDR: Wife and I went to pastoral counseling for our marriage, didn't work, wife admitted she is a lesbian and used me to get her fantasy dream life of Christian husband and babies.

Relevant Comments

Downvoted Commenter: Well damn. At first I was gonna say, let the woman do woman shit. Better for you. Just go work come home and chill. Let her wash, cook, clean and smash you. Why would that bother you? After reading the end. Idk what to say to you. Sorry about that fam. Good luck, get her to have a threesome I guess ?

> OOP: You seem immature, I'm happy to leave domestic work to wife while I work full time, but she was keeping me away from my kids and that was the issue here.

Commenter 1: NOR. I'd be surprised if none of that insanity showed up in any way before having children and marrying.

Hopefully she finds fulfillment in her traditional divorced Christian lesbian shared custody life.

> OOP: I am certainly reflecting on a lot of things about our relationship and wish I had been less blind overall. To be honest I never had the best luck with women before her and maybe the first red flag should have been that this pretty, nice Christian girl wanted to be with me

Commenter 2: Your wife’s a lunatic run and take the kids as fast as u can

> OOP: My lawyer advised me it's highly unlikely I will get full custody as her gender views don't come into whether she is a fit parent legally speaking. I will be looking for 50/50 immediately.

Commenter 3: I don't understand why you thought the pastor was the right place for you to have counseling?

> OOP: Well for one it's free, we both trust my pastor, I knew she would agree to see him, I knew he was not going to agree I shouldn't help raise my children, and what do you think he did wrong in this situation?

Commenter 4: NOR. When people like me talk about how sexism and homophobia are bad for everyone — including men and straight people — this is part of what we mean. Your wife’s deeply ingrained self-loathing and adherence to imaginary but strict gender roles had caused enormous and unnecessary pain for a whole family.

> OOP: I never could have imagined she took it this far. I would never advocate anyone to deny who they are and get in a sham marriage even if I'm not into gay pride and all that.

Commenter 5: INFO - how supportive/accepting is your pastor and church of LGBTQ people? I'm guessing not very since wife felt she had to use OOP as a non-consenting beard.

> OOP: We promote traditional marriage, two genders, heterosexuality as ideal. Some of our church friends have had gay kids and there are varying degrees of acceptance on that. My wife grew up not really being very religious until her dad died and I think she and her mom go overboard to compensate in a way. > >> Commenter 6: How would you react if one of your kids tells you they're gay? >> >>> OOP: I would not necessarily be happy about that, but I would love them, nonetheless. It's not something I can control. I would just hope they keep a relationship with Christ no matter what.

Commenter 7: Obviously you are going to get divorced. That's just something to accept now and allow yourself to grieve.

But your wife has been a friend and co parent to you. She has probably seen you through some hard times. As her friend, please encourage her to accept and love herself. To be true to her feelings. It will affect your kids in harmful ways if she keeps repressing her real feelings. It's in everyone's best interests for her to accept that she's gay and live honestly. Or at least for her to find a healthy version of a lavender marriage lol. But find it in your heart to take it easy on her. I know that might be really hard right now but being closeted and repressed fucking sucks.

Find yourself a therapist who is familiar with queer dynamics that can help you process this and maybe help you find a way to be supportive. And then do the best you can to care for yourself and find what you need to feel peace. It's really all you can do unfortunately.

So sorry, hope you and your kids are okay.

> OOP: As a Christian I want to be compassionate and hope I can grow toward more of that in the future but right now all I can think about is her lying to me and using me for almost 7 years. I was just a puppet with sperm to her. I will be praying for her, and hope God gives me the grace to forgive her.

Commenter 8: Dude that is fucking rough. You have my sympathy. I’d be going full scorched earth if I was you so you’re a better man than me. What do you thinks gonna happen when people find out why you are divorcing?

> OOP: I don't know, I told my parents, but we aren't exactly going to spread it around, she will probably make up whatever she wants because she knows I'm not going to go telling everyone she's a lesbian... hopefully we can both just say it was irreconcilable differences and leave it at that

Commenter 9: Bigger question for you is do you believe that the issue is your wife’s a lesbian or a religious fanatic? Your romantic relationship is pretty clearly dead, but coparenting is going to force you to some uncomfortable paths

> OOP: Not sure what you mean by that, they're both issues. I can't be married to a lesbian, so that's an issue, and her trying to keep me from raising my kids or teaching them her insane warped version of Christianity is another issue. For my lawyer or for custody it's not about her religion or sexual orientation, it's solely about her keeping me from the kids which is why he wants me to move back ASAP, so yeah that's definitely uncomfortable.

&nbsp;

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP