r/OzMedia

How is the Oz Squad doing?

My wife and I have only been married for a year. We have We dated for 5 years. The other day we had gotten into a pretty heated argument. The argument was over having firearms in the house. I had brought a few guns of mine from my dad's house into our town home we rent. I told her I had brought them home. She then made a comment about throwing them away or surrendering them to the police station. I said to her what if I threw your makeup away. She got mad and droped the converstation. When she gets mad she isolates herself in the other bed room and refuses to speak to me until I approach her about it. The next day passes and I get home from work. I have a few things to do so I mind my own business. Its late in the evening by this point and I know I have to talk to her to try and fix it. I open the door and ask do you have a minute to talk. She says you said you were bringing home a few guns. I said I did and asked what she was talking about. For context I keep a few cases to take to the range. She gets up out of the bed and goes to our bed room closet and starts throwing the cases to the floor. I am like what the hell are you doing? I try and stop her from tearing up the closet and she slapped me. She said I lunged at her. I said your acting like a damn five year old. We had a foot or two between us. When she was throwing the cases one of the pistols had fallen out of the case. For warning I keep all my firearms unloaded. She picks it up and points it at me. I immediately take it away form her and I clear it. I ask her what the hell do you think you are doing? She like why do you need that if you are scared of it. I told her you treat every firearm as if it loaded. She say I don't feel safe with those in the house I told her I was getting a safe for them. She like I dont want to see that. I ask what was the point of throwing stuff did it accomplish anything. I said I dont throw your stuff around. She like fine you want me to throw my stuff she proceeds to to throw her makeup and other care products from her makeup desk. She then goes its me or the guns this wont be fixed between us till those guns are gone she storms off and goes back to the other room and slams the door shut. It has been a few days she keeps coming home very late every night and this morning when I tried to talk to her the door was barricaded. At this point emotionally and physically I want a divorce or an anolment. I just dont know the best course of actions. Yes my family knows about this and says I need to leave.

I’m home from college and I noticed my dad has ozempic. I don’t know how to use it or really anything about it but the fact that it makes you loose weight. Could I inject myself with little amounts of his? Would it do anything? Is it worth it? Would he notice that I am doing it easily?

I’m 40, wife J is 39. We have six kids , twin girls at 13, then 10f, 8m, 6m, and a 2 year old girl. Recently I switched jobs, which has given me better pay, ofc but the hours are really long/inconsistent ,and Im home a lot less than I used to be. My wife handles most of the day stuff with the kids on her own. I’m not unaware of how much that is, as I know being a SAHM is a job in itself

So about a few days ago I got home really late and she was sitting on the couch in the dark silently crying.it was just tears going down her face, she wasn’t sobbing though . She said, she, in her words “really really missed me.” So we talked a little, we ended up having intimacy, I went to sleep thinking we were good.

Next morning she brought it back up, this woman says she felt like I brushed her off because we just had sex instead of actually talking it through.

Mentally I was already into the day ahead and I said I didn’t know what she wanted me to say, that we’re grown adults, and why was she being so needy, the bills are paid and food is in the kids stomach with a roof on their head.. I was so aggressive I guess because I expected an argument, but she Just kind of looked down for a second and said she loved me and wanted to feel close to me and walked out of the room. I went to go give her a kiss but she was laying on the couch just not talking.

I dunno if it’s worth it to mention, but shes also going through peri-menopause? Her hormones have been hard on her, I believe she has told me so, she’s with the kids basically every hour I’m gone.

Since then she just says she’s fine, obviously I’ve nudged her a bit about it as a husband.. I think she thinks I don’t notice but she will still get a little teary when I walk in sometimes but the second she sees me notice she somehow just changes her whole demeanor, she hasn’t really done that before. Soo she just gives me a kiss, asks about my day.. gives me my dinner, the usual. and somehow more uncomfortable than trying to comfort her from crying.

And Our kids have picked up on something too, one of my 13 year old daughters asked me quietly the other day if mom was okay. My 10 year old has been following her around the house like she is trying to cheer her off, and the littles seem off, harder to settle to sleep than normally at night. And my whole house has this weird air or tension or whatever you want to call it, sitting in it, and it really did start with that one conversation.

My mom thinks I was wrong for the needy comment, and I need to handle it differently as a man.

So obviously I feel like I did nothing wrong, she’s a grown woman and should be able to realize we don’t have time together like we did when we were newly weds and could just cuddle or fool around all day.

I’m just fed up with this woman, making our household dysfunctional.. obviously I wanna fix this but It feels like I’m married to a child!! This is an extra write here

Edit: A lot of responses and people aren’t seeing my side but I’ll respond to it all soon, I see people asking if im baiting and all I can respond is that I wish my life was Ragebait, but this is currently my life. I should also add I enjoy gaming in my free time often so that’s a non negotiable for me. (Copied from my other post)

Edit 2: I understand I’ve been argumentative and sure I might look like a piece of shit, but if anyone has some advice I guess I am willing to accept it now.

I am NOT OP. Original post by u/LifelsShort_LikeMe in r/rpghorrorstories

trigger warnings: >!sexism!<

mood spoilers: >!satisfyingly healthy!<

Quick note: It seems that r/rpghorrorstories was banned in the time it took to get the post formatting corrected, which is fucking weird, but hey, at least we got this one final story out of it.

DM Has decided I am lying about my roles because I am a girl and wants to roll for me the rest of the campaign. - Oct. 8, 2022

Let me start by saying, I know it sounds like I am in the wrong, that he must have a reason to think I am lying about my rolls so I can succeed or something, but I truly have no idea why he even thinks that I am because I swear I have never lied about a roll before.

So basically I am the only girl (20f) in my current dnd campaign, but I don’t really mind or feel uncomfortable about it since all the guys I play with have been nothing but welcoming and chill towards me, they don’t ever treat me any differently and are a great group of guys.

My only grievance is that the DM has made comments since I started playing with them about how every “female” he has played with before always lie about their dice rolls so they can “impress all the guys and look better/hotter in their eyes”. Which is a super weird thing to bring up in my opinion, I had just started and had shown no signs of lying about anything so I was already kinda weirded out that he felt the need to bring it up but whatever.

I kinda just brushed it off and said I had played before and that I don’t fake dice rolls because that ruins the experience and the risk of the game and my actions, which ruins the game for me and everyone else. DM seemed to accept that and let it go at the time.

However, I have noticed that at least once per session he will make some comment somewhere along the lines of how “females just lie all the time, it’s what they are biologically good at and they all lie in games like this to look sexy to the men there”. No one at the table really responds when he makes these comments, one of the guys tried once earlier on to mention that that was a sexist and off topic thing to bring up, but the DM got mad at being cut off from “sharing his personal life experiences and knowledge” so no one has spoken up about it since.

This last session was probably the most risky and dangerous situation the party has been in since the start of the campaign, and there were a few times where I had to roll and lives were on the line if I failed. Somehow I managed to get at least the bare minimum I needed to succeed (needed a 15 or higher in most cases) since I usually had advantages. Everyone else was having similar luck though, so I was just hyped that we were rolling lucky that night. I did also have plenty of horrible rolls (got 2 nat 1s in a row at one point, lol) too, so it wasn’t as if I was only rolling successes the whole session.

But the DM seemed to be getting frustrated more and more with each successful role I announced. He made a comment that I though at the time was a joke, he chuckled and said it was almost like I was faking it to win with how good my luck was. I had been rolling in front of me where everyone could see though so nothing was hidden, I didn’t think that was any concern that I was cheating so I just laughed and said that yeah my luck was wild tonight!

Then at the end of the session the DM said I had one more save roll to get us out of there avoiding another fight that would probably end badly for us. I needed a nat 20 or I would fail. One of my party members assisted and so I had advantage, but the odds of success were still low. I rolled both dice, and by some miracle, I did it. I rolled a nat 20 on both dice, it was glorious and everyone was super hyped.

The DM just looked mad though and we all joked that he wanted us to fail so he could show off some more characters he made and do more of the fun combat stuff. He kinda chuckled and said it was something go like that.The session then ended calmly with us getting back to our keep and getting set up to rest. Then we called it a night, everyone packed up and we went our separate ways assuming that was the end for that night.

I got a message though 2 hours later from the DM and he was telling me he knows I cheated and lied about my dice rolls to look better in front of the guys. He said he was nice enough to not call me out there and embarrass me in front of everyone like he should have, but that he could no longer trust me. He demanded that I give him my dice next session and that from here on out he will be rolling behind his DM screen for me since I am “proving to be just like every other lying female and ruining the game for all the honest guys who are playing with me”.

I was stunned, I didn’t know what to say so I just told him I had never lied, that I was sharing dice with one of the guys so they aren’t some weighted set or anything, and that all my rolls were in the open where everyone could easily see, that I could understand he may have had bad experiences in the past with players but I had done nothing wrong and would not be letting him roll for my character the rest of the campaign. He has yet to respond but I am still so out off and insulted that he though I was cheating or lying.

I really like the group I play with, and the campaign story is super interesting so I don’t think I’ll be quitting, but I certainly am not gonna just sit by and not roll ever again and I don’t know what to do in this situation.

Edit: I was on mobile posting this and it for some reason didn’t register that I had tried to put in paragraph breaks/I somehow did it wrong. So got that fixed so it is in paragraphs again. Also fixed a few spelling errors I missed since I posted it when I was pretty tired.

And for those saying he has a crush on me. Yeah. He asked me out when I was a freshman in HS and he was a Senior. We were both in the same clubs and he seemed nice enough to give a chance to him, so I said yes.

We only dated for about a month or two before he got super possessive and controlling and I broke it off. He was still super bitter so I cut him off entirely up until about 2 years ago. We only reconnected because we live in a small town and so we share most of the same friends.

He has asked me out three times since then and I have turned him down each time. The last attempt he made at asking me out I very bluntly told him that if he ever asked me out again I would cut him out of my life permanently.

He seemed to get the message and has, until this game started, actually had been really chill around me and never pushed my boundaries or said anything creepy. He just acted normally like all the other guys I am friends with.

Some of the other guys have said they will start to stand up for me in this matter. I screenshotted the conversation I had with DM and sent it to them this morning and they were all shocked he was acting like that to me.

I live in a small town and so this is the only group to play with around me, if I quit this group I have no idea when/if I will be able to play again and I really do like the other guys in the party. But none of them like to DM and I am still super new and don’t really feel comfy trying to DM for the group.

The campaign is also like 2/3 of the way done according to the timeline the DM gave us, so I will probably stick through it for the few sessions we have left then see if there are online games I guess if DM is still acting creepy and like an incel.

So we will see in 2 weeks how it goes when we meet up for the next session.

Thanks for all the advice and messages everyone sent me!

UPDATE: DM Has decided I am lying about my rolls because I am a girl and wants to roll for me the rest of the campaign. - Oct. 23, 2022

Hey everyone, I said I would be back with an update after my next session so here I am. Sorry for any spelling or grammar mistakes, grammar has never been my strong suit and I have a killer headache at the moment, but I figured I would still keep my word to keep you all updated.

I realize I didn’t put some background info in (trying to stay anonymous and all) but I have know DM and 2 of the guys since freshman year of HS, when they were both seniors, and DM had sometimes been a “nice guy”, but he was never this much like an incel\neckbeard. So this behavior was kinda surprising to us, which is why I think they only spoke up once and were kinda just confused about it after that.

Also, I know last post I was saying I wouldn’t leave the game but a lot of you got through to me. All the advice made me realize that, even though he is a phenomenal story teller and world builder who can craft these beautifully intricate and engaging worlds and NPCs, even the best stories aren’t worth putting up with being mistreated.

I’ll be honest, because of some issues in my past I tend to not recognize that I don’t have to put up with everyone's crap and that I am allowed to stand up for myself and leave bad situations. so I really did appreciate everyone helping me to realize this was one of those situations to stand my ground and not back down any.

But anyways, onto the actual update on what happened. How it all went down yesterday was not at all what I expected to happen to be honest.

I had shown all the other guys I played with the messages that DM had sent me. I was clear with them that this was not acceptable and that either they supported me and got DM to straighten his act up or I was leaving.

I also made it clear that I had nothing against them, that I really liked gaming with them and would be happy to continue playing with them with a different DM if I had to leave and that we would still be friends outside of the game.

All of them were appalled at how he had been acting and the messages seemed to be the final straw that broke the camels back. After showing them all the messages they said they had to talk about some stuff and would get back to me before the next session but most were clear that they were on my side in this matter.

One of the guys got back to me the day before the session and said that they were all behind me 100% and that they had all been calling the DM out the past 2 weeks since the last session. I guess they were demanding he shape up and explain where this mindset came from and why he was acting like such an ass.

Well, I decided that since I had support from the rest of the group I would go back for this session but if he made a single comment I was leaving then and there, just walking out and being done with it all.

When I got to the place we were all meeting at DM asked us to sit down, and he was sounding really uncomfortable and he wouldn’t look anyone in the eye. He said he wanted to talk to us but we had to sit down first.

Well, he went on to tell us about his past 3 girlfriends. That one had dated him for 2 months before saying she was a lesbian and leaving, that the second one cheated on him with someone from one of his classes, and the third one (which he says was the breaking point for him) asked to join a game he was DMing for at his college and ended up hitting it off with one of the guys there and they broke up.

He showed us screenshots of the conversations they had leading up to and after each breakup and, honestly, I can see why the guy was pretty crushed about it all, it sucks big time to be cheated on.

We did know he had been in those relationships, and I knew that the one later came out, and that the second one had cheated on him, but no one knew about why the third relationship fell apart. He never wanted to talk about it with anyone, and after each relationship he went though the stages of mourning the relationship, and we did what we could to support him, but he always seemed to bounce back. And if anyone tried to talk to him about it he was very convincing in telling us that, he had been sad for long enough now and he was doing better and was moving on.

So none of us really knew the full stories of everything that went down or how it had actually effected him.

I was honest with him that I was sorry he had been through that, and I did empathize with how he was feeling and how he was hurt, but that none of it was an excuse for how he had been treating me or how he had been speaking, that his behavior was still unacceptable and incredibly cruel and hurtful and it made me feel unsafe to be around him anymore.

The other guys at the group backed me up saying that as shitty as his situation was, it did not excuse or forgive the way he has been acting. They were clearly behind me, which I’ll admit was a huge relief.

DM asked what he had to do to get us to stay, and one of the guys said the main issue would be earning my trust back, and that it was up to me to decide what that meant. And that aside from that, the guys had lost trust in DM and his ability to be fair to all the players at the table, and that he would also have to earn that trust back as well as their respect for him as a friend.

DM them told me that he had known he was wrong to act and speak like that, and that he had been angry and spiteful because of his past experiences and because he was hurt when I turned him down each time he asked me out between his past relationships and after his last girlfriend broke up with him. He said he was taking his anger out on me and venting because it was easy to blame me for it.

I’ll admit, I had fully expected him to go nuclear and be yelling or something when I showed up for the session. I had been fully prepared to take all your advice and leave.

I was not prepared for this.We didn’t end up having a session that night. DM said he would leave for now and let me think on if/how he could gain all our trust back. So DM left and the other guys and I honestly didn’t know what to do about it.

We all had a lot to take in but we still wanted to hang out like we planned for the day, so the rest of the guys and I ordered some Panda Express, watched a movie and played some board games before parting ways.

I haven’t talked to them today yet, and they haven’t tried to message me. They are all probably just feeling as confused and lost about what to do as I am right now.

So I guess that’s it for the update for now. I don’t know if I’ll continue playing in the game or not. I don’t know what to tell DM for how he can earn my trust and the trust of the other players back. I don't know if he even can earn that trust back with me. I have a lot to think about for now.

I am considering telling him that therapy is a good first step for gaining my trust back. He has always had some really bad anger issues and some other personal things that I believe therapy could really help him work through and with all this new stuff my belief that he could use a good therapist is even stronger now.

He has always been kinda off put by the idea of therapy though, and I remember he was clear he thought it was dumb when I got therapy back during my senior year for some traumas I had been through. But idk, maybe this whole situation could be what finally makes him see he can’t do it on his own. He already seems to be realizing that his “coping methods" are only going to lead to him losing several of his friendships.

Sorry it isn’t the explosive yelling match ending with one of us storming out of the room in a dramatic climax of the evening like some of you in the comments were saying you wanted to hear about, lol. I kinda expected to be giving that update but here we are.

I’ll keep you all updated still, we are planning to still meet up at he scheduled time in 2 weeks when the next session would be, so the guys and I have 2 weeks now to think and figure things out.

Flaired as Inconclusive because OOP never posted the promised update. :(

UPDATE! OOP found this post and DM'd me an update to share with you all (she tried to comment but it was accidentally removed via Automod) – Aug. 9, 2023

Oh wow, I honestly had forgotten about this post! I meant to update, but some family issues came up (my aunt was hospitalized for a while with some medical issues) and I had to spend most of my time focusing on supporting family through all that drama and I just forgot to ever update everyone.

Anyways, I guess I can just put the last bit of what happened in the comments here since the subreddit got taken down and I don’t know where else to put the update now.

Some of the people in the comments on my original post had told me that I should not be the one having to do all the work to think of ways he could repair my trust in him, that he needed to be the one doing some hard thinking to figure that out himself. Honestly, that kinda made me realize that in the years of being friends with the DM every time he did something that hurt me or broke my trust, it was always on me to figure out basically a checklist for him to complete to gain that trust back. It is always exhausting and I realized that it puts so much of the pressure of fixing things on me, and that just doesn’t feel right anymore. And this is a trend with him that extends beyond just his and my relationship, he will come to me asking what he needs to do to fix relationships with others all the time as well. It is beginning to feel like he just never puts thought into himself and what is causing these relationships to fall apart or how he can take initiative himself to fix things. He just expects to apologize, giving some excuse for the way he was acting, and then wants me to solve the problem for him and tell him exactly how to fix it. Which I guess I have been allowing since I rarely said no and was always able/willing to help him.

I ended up messaging him saying:“I know you want me to make a list of stuff you can do to gain my trust back, but it is always on me to figure out how you can fix your relationships with others. Me telling you exactly how to fix things is not going to help either of us in the long run and will just end up with this same cycle that has been going on for years to continue. I really think you need to take some time to think deeply and critically about what led to this and what YOU think you should do to fix it.Think of if the roles were reversed between us and what the person who hurt you would need to do to make you trust them again. I have found that thinking of it from that perspective can help me to figure out at least some good first steps when I have hurt someone and want to earn their trust back. I am willing to work with you later to fully repair our friendship, but unless I can see that you are genuinely taking initiative yourself and at least taking the first few steps yourself, I don’t think this friendship can continue the same as it has in the past.”

I saw that he had read it a few minutes after I sent it but he never responded so I figured he was just processing the message and figuring out where he was going to go from here. I left the ball in his court and focused myself on helping my family and dealing with the rest of the drama happening in my life. About a week later he finally tried to contact me back by calling me. I had figured he just wanted to talk and maybe clarify my message or talk about anything he had thought of for first steps. I was very wrong. As soon as I picked up the call he started yelling stuff about how selfish and unreasonable I was being to him and how was he supposed to figure out how to repair my trust in him by himself. I tried to repeat that I was not expecting him to do everything on his own, that I was willing to work with him once I saw he was at least trying to take the first few steps himself, but he kept interrupting me and yelling. I knew he had had severe anger issues in the past, but it had been almost 2 years since I had been on the receiving end of one of his explosive yelling rages. I don’t know how long I sat on that call being screamed at and insulted, and looking back I am surprised I wasn’t crying or upset (I cry very easily when others yell at me), instead I just felt kinda numb I guess. After being interrupted multiple times and listening to him repeat the same insults I just got tired of it. As soon as he stopped to take a breath I just told him he either changed his attitude now or I was hanging up. Well that got him REALLY angry and he tried to start yelling again but I just hung up. He then sent multiple messages about how rude it was to hang up on someone during a conversation and asking, well more like demanding, that I had to figure out how to fix how my rudeness and selfishness was destroying the friendship. I just didn’t respond and the messages stopped after about an hour.

I haven’t heard from him since, but after that phone call, I have realized he never wanted to put work and thought into repairing our friendship himself. He just wanted an easy fix of me telling him exactly what to do. I didn’t block him, but I am not ever going to initiate any conversation between us. If he ever looks back and realizes he wants to genuinely put in the work to try to repair the friendship, he can message me, although after the phone call and his last messages it will take a heck of a lot to ever make me trust him again. Even if he really changes and puts in some serious self reflection, I don’t think we can ever be as close of friends like we have been in the past though, not with all that has happened and not with this most recent incident.

So yeah, I had really hoped that maybe this was a friendship that could be saved, and for a while it was really looking like it could be, but he kinda burned that bridge. I am still pretty sad about it, I know he wasn’t a good friend to me, but I had known him and considered him a friend for so long that it still hurts knowing this is how it turned out. But I am moving on from it now, and I was finally able to find a therapist that I can afford, so I will be starting up therapy again and hopefully that will help me too.

I also ended up quitting the game he was running, but a bunch of the girls from one of my online friend groups I met recently wanted to start a campaign together so I will still get to play D&D once that game starts up in a few months!

Flaired as Concluded since OOP provided a new update :)

Reminder - I am not the original poster.

Well... In today's "vault" video, Oz mentioned that recently, he is considering doing more content with himself on camera, and asked how we'd feel about that.

I figured this would be a good time to point out the celebrity I think Oz most resembles...maybe toss a little confidence his way. Recreating an old meme format from "Can I Haz Cheezburger"..... If Oz had blond hair, he'd totaly look like 80's popstar Darryl Hall.

Anybody else see it?

https://preview.redd.it/xnic8ormfb1h1.png?width=512&format=png&auto=webp&s=0c9e3698fdd1f87fa9292abe413e48510d1cc656

CW CSAM and child abuse

I am a trans guy so He/Him pronouns but I understand if you make mistakes, thanks!

I posted in here a few months ago and wasn’t very stable and wasn’t ready at all to talk about it. I’m feeling worse today BUT I’m ready to talk about it and at least I understand what’s real and what isn’t because months ago I thought I might have been dreaming because of how big a sudden change I was experiencing and I was in shock. I’m sorry for my previous post. I’m posting in here specifically because I agree with oz’s opinion almost all the time so I feel like this community is probably nicer than others so if I’m going to post anywhere it’d be here.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to or vent to and I’ll try anything to stop feeling like this thats why I’m posting here.

Back on the 23rd of October I found CSAM on my (now ex) partner of 14 years phone. I can make an individual post about it but I don’t think I need to go into detail about that right now. I haven’t seen him since the 25th of October and that was from a distance and I was in a car with my 3 year old so there was no contact since I found what I found. So far there has been 2 court dates and another coming up in a couple weeks. I think I was in shock for the first 2 months, I was so sure I was going to wake up. After the first court date in December for a protection order which he agreed to I went through a 2 week depression. I think it was like I was accepting this is really happening or something. I think I did a really good job hiding it from my daughter, I did fall behind a little with dishes and laundry but nothing severe just bad for my standards, mostly it was just after she went to bed I’d sit down and be unable to do anything. Just sitting in silence and felt so weak and drained. Then I was fine! Back to being on top of things and organised. I kept myself distracted by doing a bunch of DIYs in the house.

The day before the second court date in February I got a call from a lawyer at the police station who told me I didn’t need to go to court at all from here on out unless I want to and she told me what their plans were and what they’re asking for. She tells me they want a protection order until my daughter turns 19!! I don’t know if this is common, I’m grateful they’re taking it seriously but also it terrifies me because it means they found something serious on his phone probably photos of her. So the feelings are conflicting, obviously if it were up to me he’d never be allowed to see her again so I’m glad about the length of time but like I said, it implies a lot. After that court date I went through a period of sadness that probably lasted around a week then I was back to my old self. My housing situation was up in the air because the house is in his name even though we built the house together. So I was preparing myself to have to abandon most of our possessions and move. Then one day about 2 weeks ago he sent me some money with the attached message that I can stay in the house permanently and he will still pay all the mortgage. I asked how much rent he wants he said none. I told him to stop sending me money then (he’d very recently started sending approximately $100 a week, he’d sent me $250 total since October) and he replied he was still going to send me money. Since that exchange I can not snap out of this sadness. I got everything I could have possibly asked for, the protection order, housing stability, my daughter is safe, I don’t have to consider rehoming my dogs. I’ve been obsessively focusing on “what ifs” and coincidences and honestly it’s helped a lot, things like if I would have broken up with him (things were pretty rocky) I would have never found the content and he would have some custody and alone time with her. There are a lot of very weird coincidences that happened that led me to finding that on his phone. So many things had to perfect aline for that to happen. A crazy domino effect of occurrences. So I know I’m in the best time line. Problem is, even though I know I SHOULD be feeling relieved all I feel is guilt like I feel like I destroyed his family’s life by finding the content, I feel guilty that this was happening in my house and I didn’t notice any red flags and now there is this fucking disgusting part of me that feels a little bad that I get to keep the house AND he’s sending me money. And the fucked up part is I KNOW it’s not my fault. I KNOW he’s letting us stay here because he feels guilty for what he did and he should and I’m glad he at least feels bad. I know all the feelings I’m having are completely irrational and invalid and that’s what’s so frustrating. I’m so angry that I even feel a little bad for him. I deserve to stay here, I designed the house, I paid for all the furniture, clothes, food, all the contents of the home except for a few things I paid for, yes he paid mortgage but I paid almost everything else. So it makes me so frustrated that there is a small part of me that feels bad. I love his mother but for months she’s been telling me how vulnerable and fragile he is and how he feels really bad about what he did. And I’ve felt NOTHING. She tells me he wants to send me money and it felt disgusting and I repeatedly turned down the offer because the thought of using his money felt disgusting. I keep saying don’t send me money, but personally if the money came through I would honestly be a bad parent to not keep it because it’s for my daughter at the end of the day as much as I don’t want it. The second I found that content he had died and was replaced in my mind by a monster. When I hear his name none of our entire history comes to mind at all. I instantly felt nothing for him. I felt anger sure, but mostly aimed at myself because there must have been SOME signs right?? I was so fucking careful. I hear predators are into kids eating fruit so I don’t let her eat fruit in public, I made sure she was always wearing socks or shoes because I don’t want creepers looking at her bare feet, I was always on high alert for anyone who gave a weird vibe for example. I’m less over protective now but the point I’m making is I tried so fucking hard to keep her safe and the person she needed protecting from was her own fucking father and I just feel sick. We were together since we were 17-18, I really thought I knew him and I just don’t know how I could ever trust anyone ever again you know? Now I just assume everyone has bad intentions because honestly how could I possibly feel otherwise? I just want to stop feeling so guilty it’s so frustrating I just need to get over this. Since getting the message about not having to move out, it’s like I’d never felt true sadness until now. I’m not myself anymore. I genuinely have ZERO energy. I feel like a zombie, I’m honestly on the verge of falling asleep CONSTANTLY. I’m days behind with dishes, I’m 4 days behind on my meal subscription so I’ll be throwing away a lot of food, I’m a couple days behind with laundry. There are toys EVERYWHERE. I haven’t vacuumed in a week. All the things I enjoy doing I have no interest in at all. I had 2 friends and an acquaintance. One friend told me back in November it was too triggering talking to me even though I wasn’t talking about the situation with him because I knew it was triggering but he said that just talking to me at all triggers him because he knew what I was going through so he needed a break from me. After months of no contact I just deleted him. My other friend has just started ignoring my messages so I guess she’s gone too. My acquaintance has seriously stepped up and been incredible to me, I now consider her my best friend of course, she even organised a surprise party for when my daughter turned 4, she rocked up with her and her sons in super hero costumes and had bought one for my daughter to change into, she had an expensive personalised avengers cake with matching balloons and a jumping castle (my daughter loves the avengers so the theme was perfect) I had no idea she planned it and it was the nicest thing anyone has done for me and that was the first and only time I have cried in this whole situation. I don’t know why but it’s like I’ve lost the ability to cry. I get that weird throat pain that happens right before crying where your voice cracks (I’m gonna sound crazy if I’m the only one that experiences that) that happens probably 3-5 times a day but I haven’t actually cried. Anyway… I should be celebrating right now but I feel the opposite. I need to get over this so I can be a parent again. All I want to do is sleep but I shouldn’t be tired. I feel so drained and zero energy or motivation and I can barely move I just need to get over this. I really just needed to vent and I’m hoping posting this helps me in some way and maybe someone has unfortunately experienced something similar and can tell me how I can get past this. Also if these court dates are going to keep being every 2 months I really can’t keep letting it get to me, I’m hoping I get desensitised to them.

I really quick want to say this and I really didn’t want to but I think it’s important only because I’m trans. Don’t let him being a cis guy and me being a trans guy change your opinion of him. This post isn’t about this it’s about my daughter so it feels selfish to add this which is why I didn’t want to say anything but along with the CSAM were messages of him calling me his wife and showing people pictures of how hot his wife was. I haven’t looked feminine since I was 17/18 so I know what pictures he would have been sending. Just wanted to add this incase anyone gave him any kind of kindness for being such a great guy for staying with a trans person 🙄 he never viewed me as a man, I always knew it and I ignored it. Anyway sorry for this paragraph I just felt it was important.

Also in the messages he had mostly deleted his sent messages which is why I can’t say for sure what he sent. The messages were like

“You have a wife? show me?”

*no response*

“Mmmm she’s hot”

So you could pretty easily understand what was sent if that makes sense?

TLDR: I found CSAM on my ex’s phone and now months later he messages me saying i can stay in the house and he’s also started sending me $100 a week that I didn’t ask for. I can’t help but feel this annoying part of me that feels guilty that he lost everything over this and I fucking hate that there is even a fraction of a percentage of my brain that feels anything like that for him because he deserves to lose everything and these thoughts are effecting me so much that I’m not functioning properly.

When I was working on my business degree, I started working at a tax preparation place a block from my apartment. Thought this would be perfect: I could walk to work, child's school, and after-school program (all in a 4 block radius). I had switched to online courses. Plus it'll be great experience for my resume.

The manager seemed nice at first. Once I told her I was working on my business degree, she asked about what I've learned so far. I told her. She said if I helped her with some of the office stuff, I could make more money.

Things were going great for a while. I'd help the manager with simple things like attaching the daily reports to the emails to corporate, etc. I was there everyday, early if I just dropped off my child at school. Stayed late on days my child went to the after-school program. I helped other employees that had trouble learning the tax preparation, and showed them easy was to remember.

Then one night when I just put my child to bed, the manager called and asking how to attach the daily report to the email to corporate. I said to click on the paper clip icon. She said there wasn't one, I said that I pointed it out to her several times. She said it's not there and said I had to come to the office now to help her. I said, "Give me 5 minutes to ask my downstairs neighbor to watch my child." She replied, "No, you come right now." I said I couldn't leave my child alone. The manager said, "Don't care. Since you're not willing to come in and work, you're fire." I said, "I'm willing to come in, I just need 5 minutes." She yelled, "FIRED!"

A week later as I dropped off my child at school and was walking back home to do school work, the manager saw me through the window and ran out. She said (sweetly), "Your check is here, why don't you come in and get it." I replied, "I have direct deposit, already got it." She (sounding desperate) says, "I have a check for you in the office, why don't you come in and get it." I just kept walking and saying, "I'm not going anywhere with you." I heard her angrily screaming, but I kept going.

Thought nothing of her until just before the next tax season when I was out grocery shopping. As soon as I stepped in the store, I saw the office's assistant manager. Worried that she would be anything like the manager, I started to just leave. She ran up to me and begged me to wait. I just stood there and listened. She said the old manager was fired, she was the new manager. She also said she had been watching me the whole time I worked there. "You're great with the clients, you're great with your co-workers. You obviously know your stuff, and I would like you to come back." After some thinking, I agreed.

When she was prepping to train the next group of employees for that tax season, I offered to come in to help with phones and walk-ins so she could focus on the class. While she was teaching and I was covering phones, our regional manager stopped in. He introduced himself to me and I him, I said I offered to help so the manager could focus on the class. When someone had a problem understanding a certain part, I shared what I use to remember.

When class was over, I walked across the street to get my child from school and we stopped back at the office. When I came in, I saw the news manager and regional manager were in the back office. I was gathering my stuff as my child just started picking up papers and trash left over from the class. They came out of the office and saw my child help clean up, RM thanked her for cleaning and paid her a couple dollars.

Then the RN asked about my school. I said I was graduating that summer with my Bachelor's in Business Management. He asked what I wanted to stay working with them, I said a raise and a cool title for my resume. And that's how I became the assistant manager and marketing director.

I think I'm in a boat where my verdict is NEI (not enough information). Good lord, that post just screamed of missing missing reasons there. And for some reason, I am quite reluctant to believe that Willow's intentions were cruel and evil (although I don't think I can say the same for her father...).

I feel like there's a lot more going on than what was told here...