if you’re wanting soups to be more filling i highly recommend blending grilled cheeses into them. if you’re lucky depending on the size you can double the amount of soup you have, although you will most likely have to add milk/broth to thin it out. and with tomato even throw in some ground beef as well
DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Creepy_Quarter_9532 i****n r/TrueOffMyChest
Trigger warnings: >!Medical trauma, dental procedures, body image issues, assault!<
Mood spoilers: >!Emotional, bittersweet, hopeful!<
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Original Post: July 30, 2026
Tomorrow I'm having all of my teeth removed. I'm only 22, and I honestly don't know how to deal with this.
I am sitting here. I never thought I would be writing something like this at twenty two years old. I keep reading that sentence over and over again. It still does not feel like it is about me the person who is writing this.
A weeks ago I moved to Vadodara thinking that things were finally going to get better for me. I was thinking that a new city, a new routine, new people and a fresh start would be good for me. I unpacked my stuff slowly one box at a time. I remember standing in my room that first night just looking at the empty walls and actually feeling hopeful for once. I had not felt that way in a long time and it was a nice feeling.
Instead the last few weeks have been some of the hardest of my whole life. I still cannot believe how fast everything happened. I am a quiet person, the type who listens way more than I talk and I notice everything. I say almost none of it. Making friends has never come easy to me because I am actually really shy underneath whatever people think they see when they look at me.
A lot of people think I am confident because they have told me I am good looking. That is honestly one of the biggest misconceptions about me. Looking put together on the outside does not mean that there is not a storm going on inside of me. Days I am replaying conversations that never even happened and I am overthinking stuff that nobody else is even thinking about.
So when my body started falling apart I did not say anything to anyone. That is how I am I do not like to talk about my problems. On top of everything that is going on with my teeth my living situation has not been easy either. My roommates are seniors. They have not exactly been kind to me since I moved in. A days ago I woke up and realized they had bleached my armpits while I was asleep without asking me without even telling me until I noticed it myself. I still do not fully know how to process that. I did not say much about it at the time. I just of froze and let it go the same way I let a lot of things go.
For months I had been having problems with my teeth the person who is writing this me. It started small a little sensitivity here and there. Then my gums started bleeding when I brushed, not a lot, enough that I would notice it in the sink and tell myself it was nothing. A couple of teeth started feeling loose of like when you are a kid and a tooth is about to fall out except I was not a kid and there was no tooth fairy waiting for me on the other side of this. Eating foods got uncomfortable and then it got genuinely painful. I started eating stuff without really admitting to myself why like most people I just told myself it probably was not a big deal. Maybe it was stress maybe I needed vitamins I figured worst case I would need a deep cleaning, maybe a root canal, maybe a couple of extractions.
I could not have been more wrong I was so wrong about my teeth. After a bunch of appointments x-rays and exams after sitting in waiting rooms scrolling my phone pretending I was not scared after watching my dentists face go from normal to concerned I was told I have advanced periodontal disease, the disease that is affecting my teeth. The bone holding my teeth in place had broken down way more than it should have for someone my age twenty two years
The dentist sat me down. Explained, pretty gently but very directly that there was not really a way to save my teeth anymore my teeth that I have had my whole life. That the infection had gone deep and taken too much too much of my teeth. The only real option was a mouth extraction, every single tooth, all of my teeth.
I am twenty two years old and I remember sitting in that chair with the paper bib still on nodding like I understood like this was just normal information being told to me information about my teeth. I do not think I actually processed any of it until I was outside in the parking lot thinking about my teeth. The drive home is of a blur I remember gripping the steering wheel too tight the radio playing some upbeat song that felt so wrong in that moment catching my own face in the rearview mirror and it looking like a stranger, a person I did not know.
I kept hoping someone would call and say it was a mix-up that the x-rays got switched that this was happening to someone not me, not my teeth. Nobody called there was no mix-up. Tomorrow is my surgery, the surgery to remove my teeth.
Just typing that makes my stomach twist up I am so nervous about my teeth. I have barely slept the three nights I lie there and my brain just will not stop running through everything that is about to change like it is trying to memorize my own face before it is gone my face with my teeth.
I also have not told my parents I do not know how to start that conversation the conversation about my teeth. Every time I open our chat to type something I just delete it and put my phone down I do not know what to say about my teeth. I do not know if I am protecting them or protecting myself at this point protecting myself from what they will say about my teeth.
Part of me thinks I will tell them after it is done, when there is nothing left for them to worry about or try to stop stop the surgery from happening to my teeth. Part of me feels guilty for not saying anything all like I am going through the scariest thing of my life completely alone and pretending everything is fine every time we talk on the phone fine about my teeth.
Everyone around me keeps saying the surgery itself will be over before I know it that I will be put under and I will not feel a thing. I will just wake up. It will already be done, done with my teeth. Maybe that part is true. Honestly that is not even what scares me the most, the most about my teeth.
What scares me is waking up and knowing that when I look in the mirror I am never going to see my smile again my smile with my teeth the smile I have had my whole life the smile in every photo I have ever taken the photos of me with my teeth. That smile is gone after tomorrow. It is not coming back the way I have always known it the way I have always seen my teeth.
What scares me more is that I am not getting dentures right away the dentures that will replace my teeth. My gums need to heal so for the next one to one and a half months I am going to have absolutely no teeth, no temporary ones, nothing, no teeth at all.
I keep sitting trying to picture how I am actually going to live the next month or so the next month without my teeth. Like what does that look like day to day day to day without my teeth. How am I supposed to go to the store talk to a delivery guy answer a call from work sit across from someone at a table all without my teeth.
I know it sounds small compared to the surgery itself. That is what is actually keeping me up the picture of an entire month and a half of my life where I just have to get through each day looking and sounding completely different different without my teeth.
I have read too much online at this point late at night when I should be sleeping and I know that without teeth your lips and cheeks lose a lot of the support they are used to having, the support of my teeth. I know that until the dentures are ready my face can look sunken in, older like time just skipped ahead on me without asking, without asking about my teeth.
That is the thought I cannot shake not the pain or the recovery itself it is the mirror it is the idea of a face that has always been mine looking back like it belongs to somebody else for over a month straight somebody else without my teeth.
I keep catching myself standing in the bathroom at hours just staring at my own face trying to memorize it wondering if this is the last time I am going to see myself looking like this looking like me with my teeth. I have actually been taking photos of myself smiling the couple of days real smiles, teeth and all because some part of me is scared I will forget what it looked like what my teeth looked like.
I know this is not permanent I know the dentures will bring a lot of that support back eventually the support of my teeth.. It is still heartbreaking thinking that for over a month I am going to look different enough that I might not even recognize myself myself without my teeth.
I know it sounds vain maybe it is,. I am twenty two years old and most people my age are worried about their hair, their skin, dates, weekend plans what filter to use on a photo, not about their teeth not about losing all of their teeth.
I am lying awake at 2 am thinking about what it's going to feel like to have literally no teeth in my mouth no teeth at all. I am thinking about how I'm going to eat, whether soup and yogurt and mashed everything is going to start feeling like a punishment instead of just food, food that I can eat with my teeth.
I am thinking about how I'm going to talk whether my words are going to come out different, softer, harder to understand whether people are going to keep asking me to repeat myself myself without my teeth.
I am thinking about whether I will start covering my mouth with my hand out of habit whether that is going to become something I do without noticing, noticing that I do not have my teeth.
I am thinking about whether people're going to notice right away whether strangers are going to look a second too long whether I am going to start reading pity into every glance, real or not glance at me without my teeth.
I am thinking about whether I'm going to end up avoiding people completely canceling plans making excuses just staying inside my apartment until this is over over. I have my dentures, the dentures that will replace my teeth.
The hardest part is none of this feels real yet my brain keeps acting like tomorrow is a normal dentist appointment like I am going to come home in the evening with all my teeth still there like this whole thing is some misunderstanding I will be laughing about later laughing about my teeth.
Then I. It hits all over again the thought of my teeth the thought of losing all of my teeth.
By this time tomorrow my whole life is going to feel different, not in some dramatic way just every single time I open my mouth or catch my reflection or try to eat something, something without my teeth.
I know dentures exist I know plenty of people wear them and live normal full lives lives with dentures. I know people who have gone through this and came out more confident than before confident with their dentures. Rationally I know this is not the end of the world I know that a year, from now I probably will not even think about this much think about my teeth.
I am feeling really sad now because I am going to lose something that I did not think I would lose at my age. I always thought I had a lot of time left with my teeth. Now I am sitting here. I am sad about losing my smile at 22 years old. I just moved to a city and I am mostly alone. I do not even want to tell my parents about it. It is happening tomorrow night.
If anyone here has had all their teeth removed, especially when they were young like me I would really like to hear about your experience.
* Were the few weeks as scary as you thought they would be
*. Did it get easier faster than you thought it would
* Did you feel confident again when you got your dentures
* Did you feel like yourself again. Did you have to get used to a new version of yourself
I want to know if you eventually stopped thinking about your teeth every day.. If it is something that you always think about.
I would also like to know how to get through each day for the month or so. Now I just need to hear from someone who has already gone through what I am about to go through tomorrow. I am sitting here alone in the dark. My alarm is already set. It feels like everything is going wrong at the time. I need to know that it will not always feel like this. I need to know that full mouth extractions will not always make me feel sad. I need to hear about your experience, with mouth extractions.
TL;DR: I’m 22, and tomorrow I’m having all of my teeth removed because of advanced periodontal disease. I recently moved to a new city where I don’t really know anyone, and I’m going through this mostly alone. What scares me the most isn’t even the surgery, it’s the month or so I’ll have no teeth before I can get dentures. I’m really just hoping to hear from people who’ve been through it and can tell me it gets better.
TOP COMMENTS
Sincamour:
>As someone who works in the dental field/a dental school, I have seen numerous cases of young people like you who need full mouth extractions (usually it's decay). It's always a difficult conversation to have because no one wants to lose all their teeth, but when I see them again after they have their dentures, they have all been more confident, smiling, and happy with their new smile!
>Once the bad teeth are out your systemic health will be better, you'll be out of pain, your breath won't smell bad from periodontitis, and you will have completed the first step to a new chapter. Dentures nowadays look great.
>Can you ask the dentist if you could get an immediate denture? It's a temporary one you can sometimes wear right after extractions. It depends on your case but you can ask to see if it an option. Otherwise, maybe you could also wear a mask during the healing process if you are feeling self conscious. . In the future, you can even ask about an implant supported denture that stays inside your mouth (this depends on how much bone you have).
>Best of luck during the recovery! Make sure to stay hydrated, don't use any straws, and get some protein shakes or Soylent.
MadamAsh_:
>Hey I just want to say please remind yourself that it is only temporary. The 6 weeks while your mouth heals is temporary. Not forever and you'll be healthier.
>Use a face mask in public if you're nervous about going out until you get your dentures. It's going to be okay friend, you're prioritizing your health. It WILL be okay.
>But the roommate situation. They assaulted you. Lock your door and tell SOMEONE! Asap.
OnePlantHugger:
>I never comment on here but wanted to tell you my story. I had all my teeth pulled at 24 due to constant abscesses and infections no matter how hard I tried to take care of them. It was THE BEST decision I ever made for me and my health. The first 5 or 6 months were absolutely the hardest learning how to eat but I woke up one day and realized how lucky I was to not hurt anymore and how beautiful of a smile I had with dentures.
>The soreness was that- soreness, not pain. I haven't had the slightest bit of a toothache in over 15 years and still think it's one of the smartest decisions I ever made in my life. I can't express how happy you will be when you realize that the pain and discomfort and awful dentist visits stop. Permanently. If you ever need to talk or have questions I'm here. It's terrifying and nerve wracking and I understand you're hesitation but I know for me and my future self- having them pulled young was absolutely the best decision I could have made and I have never regretted it a bit.
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Update: August 3, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)
Update: The teeth are gone now. I’m not okay, but thank you all for getting me here.
I honestly didn’t expect my last post to blow up the way it did. I posted it at like 1am not even sure anyone would read it, and I woke up to hundreds of comments and messages from people who’d been through the same thing or something close to it. At one point the post actually got locked because the comments were coming in too fast, which is such a weird thing to feel proud of but I kind of was. Thank you to everyone who commented, everyone who shared their own story, everyone who just said something kind. I read every single one even if I didn’t reply. It genuinely helped more than you know, going into today knowing that many strangers cared enough to type something out for me.
Okay. Update time.
I got all my teeth extracted today (1Aug). It’s done. It actually happened.
I have to admit, I screamed so hard when the doctor was giving me the anesthesia that even he got a little scared for a second. I don’t even remember deciding to scream, it just happened. There were 3 doctors and 2 nurses in the room and honestly all of them were so helpful and kind through the whole thing. Since I couldn’t speak properly afterward, they even booked me a cab back to my hostel themselves and didn’t charge me a single rupee for it. Little things like that meant a lot in a day that was already so heavy. I’m really grateful to them.
After I got home and the numbness started wearing off I cried for something like 3 to 5 hours straight. Not dramatic sobbing the whole time, just this slow leaking kind of crying that would calm down and then start right back up again every time I caught my reflection in something. My phone screen, the microwave, the bathroom mirror. My face genuinely looks different now. Without the teeth there for support everything just looks sucked in, my cheeks, my lips, all of it. I knew this was going to happen because I read about it a hundred times before today but reading about it and actually seeing it happen to your own face are two very different things.
I’m only allowed liquids and soft food for now, and I can’t really talk properly either. My words come out kind of mushy and I have to repeat myself a lot. I can’t even touch my gums right now, it hurts way more than I expected, so brushing or rinsing feels like a whole task on its own. Honestly, not going to sugarcoat it, I look like an old woman right now. Like I aged 40 years in one afternoon. Every time I look at myself in the mirror I end up crying all over again, it’s like my brain refuses to accept that the face looking back is actually mine. It’s rough. But I’m trying to hold onto the fact that this part is temporary even if it doesn’t feel temporary at 11pm crying into a bowl of soup.
The doctors also gave me a lot of medicines, like a lot. My table is just covered in strips and bottles right now, painkillers, antibiotics, mouth rinses, I’ve honestly lost count at this point.
One actual good thing though. My roommates are heading back to their hometown for about a week and a half, it’s their holiday break. After everything I mentioned in my last post, that timing could not have worked out better. I get this place to myself while I look and sound like this, no side eyes, no comments, no dealing with anyone else’s energy while I’m already barely holding it together. I’ll take that small mercy and run with it.
Also, quick thank you to the person from my last post who told me to drink pineapple juice for the swelling. I was skeptical honestly, but I tried it and it actually helped a lot. Small thing but it made a real difference these past couple days, so thank you, whoever you are.
I was pretty deep in it emotionally the last few days, ngl. But it’s already done now, there’s no undoing it, so I’m trying to just accept it and move forward instead of replaying it on a loop. Might as well laugh a little where I can. So here’s the one genuinely funny part of all this. I am saving so much money on toothpaste right now. Zero rupees spent on oral care this week. Financial glow up. 🤣
Also yes, still haven’t told my parents, and I’ve kind of decided I’m not going to. They’re older and I know exactly how they’d react, they’d worry themselves sick over something that’s already happened and that they can’t do anything about from where they are. I’m okay. I’m handling it. I don’t need them carrying this weight too, so for now I’m keeping it to myself.
For anyone wondering how I’m even paying for all this, I had some savings from my last job, the one I had before starting my masters. That’s what’s covering the treatment, and it’s already added up to a good chunk of rupees gone. Not going to lie, watching that fund shrink has been its own kind of stressful, but I’d rather spend it on this than anything else right now.
Next big milestone is just healing. The gums need about 1.5 months before I can even think about dentures, so that’s the timeline I’m staring down. One day at a time I guess.
Today, August 3, I went in for a checkup. They told me my recovery is a bit slower than expected, so I might need to stay without dentures for about 2 to 2.5 months now instead of the 1.5 I was originally told. Wasn’t exactly what I wanted to hear, but I guess my body just needs the extra time, so that’s the new timeline I’m working with now.
Also guys, thank you so much for caring this much, it genuinely means a lot to me. And I also wanted to clarify something since a couple people asked, I got my teeth removed from the best dental hospital here, so it’s not like this was done somewhere random or by anyone unqualified. Just wanted to put that out there.
Thank you again to everyone who checked in after the last post. I’ll probably post another update once the dentures situation starts moving. Until then, send soup recipes, I have a feeling I’m going to need a lot of them.
Also, please forgive me if I wrote something wrong anywhere. My English is weak and I used Grammarly to help correct it, just being honest about that.
And thank you all again, honestly. I have 0 friends here, no one really talks to me, and even if they did I’m so introverted I probably wouldn’t know how to talk to them anyway. You guys showed me so much love through all of this and I really didn’t expect that from strangers on the internet. It meant more than you know.
TOP COMMENTS
MH8657:
>I saw in your first post that you took lots of pictures of your smile before your teeth were extracted… your dentist may be able to send those pictures to their lab when your dentures are being made to help design the denture teeth to resemble your natural teeth!! Ask your dentist if that’s a possibility for you.
>Wishing you a smooth healing journey!
Beautiful_Pizza9882:
>Oh, sweet girl! My heart literally aches for you. Both my mom and my younger sister had to get dentures in their 20’s, I was lucky enough to keep mine into my 40’s. I cried. People had commented on my teeth and smile my entire life. It was completely vain, but also gut wrenching to lose that. It was also completely human. Our faces are the first thing that most (looking at you, pervs 😉) people see. It’s natural for a change of that significance to be difficult. Don’t try to get past it. Work through it. Sit with it. Look at yourself in the mirror as often as you can handle it. PROCESS IT! And take as long as you need to do so. There’s no rush. But make sure you learn to love your face again!♥️
>OOP: Thank you 🎀🥹
DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOP – BoRU Rule #7
THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP
hey portland modest mouse fans! my friend accidentally left his red tour shirt behind on the green line trimet at the gateway stop at around 10:50. if you by chance happen to find it could i get it back?
so i just got home from a camping/race trip at washougal, and i couldn’t find the racer x booth/table that’s normally at the fly tent with the yearly racer x stickers and free magazine. does anyone know if they had it this year or if it no longer?
for context before recently i hadn’t touched the game in like a year, i remember having a daily free chest of gear with the option to buy a better chest. does anyone know when this was changed?
I am not OOP. That is u/memoryman. Originally posted in r/Relationship_Advice, r/IAmA, and r/AskReddit
Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, domestic violence!<
Mood spoilers: >!a sad story with no resolution!<
Editor’s Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part saga (split due to character limit). It takes place over 15 years ago. OOP promised an update before >!the trial!< but subsequently abandoned his account. While the story is structurally inconclusive, the discussion and the events leading up to >!the split!< are incredibly intense and worth the read.
———
Backstory: My wife had total global amnesia (all long and short term memory gone) and still hasn't fully recovered AMA - 29 December 2009
Clarification: this happened a little over 1 year ago.
The doctors say my wife had viral encephalitis and that is what caused the memory loss. It was very sudden. My wife was fine when she woke up, came to help me find some clothes for our daughter and then started asking me repeatedly what day it was.
The first doctor we saw sent us home, saying she was having confusion from her migraines (which she has a history of, but never had any problems with memory loss or confusion).
About a day later my wife woke up from a nap (she was sleeping a lot) and asked me if I was her boyfriend. I lost it at this point and took her to our family doctor and then straight to the ER. She was hospitalized for almost a week.
In the hospital she only remembered about 30-90 seconds before she'd completely forget what you'd told her. By the time she was discharged she was up to 15-30 minutes of short term and she was starting to remember some of the details of her hospital room layout (what was behind the door, closet or toilet).
It's been a long slow process to recovery over the past year and her immune system really took a hit. Her short term memory seems to be completely fine now. A lot of her long term memory is back as far as we can tell, it's hard to judge. The older memories seem the most intact, childhood, grade school, high school, college years.
The stuff from the last few years has been the slowest to come back. She remembers our oldest child's birth but remembers nothing of our daughter's birth or pregnancy... that's been difficult.
That's the short version. Ask away and I'll answer everything I can.
Edit #1: forgot to mention, at about the 1 year mark I woke up early in the morning to her having a seizure (no history of that and I'd never seen one before). I thought she was brain dead and completely lost it. Back to the ER again, more MRIs and CTs. The neurologist thinks it was related to the virus as it affected the part of the brain that often causes seizures.
Edit #2: since this seems to be a common question this is how she'll remember things: Good or bad they come back suddenly. Sometimes she'll just remember the general experience and not the details and sometimes she'll remember all of it. The pattern has been that she'll remember something small (it'll just pop in or something can spur it) and then it usually triggers related memories.
Edit #3: personality-wise she now likes action flicks a hell of a lot more than she used to. not into chick flicks as much. i'll add more here later.
Comments
Do you know what caused the encephalitis?
>The doctors don't know 100% what caused the infection. They're pretty sure it was a virus but the spinal taps and tests didn’t identify which one. She did have a stubborn sinus infection prior to this. The doc said the virus could’ve been in the air, or been dormant in her and triggered by something.
Is there a chance she could get another infection?
>My wife said to just dump her on the curb if that happens... and she wasn't kidding. I wouldn't do that but I honestly don't know if we could make it. Something like this makes you look really hard at what a human being can take. I always thought we'd be together forever and that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I'm optimistic about our future as a family but I don't know if either of us could take this again.
How long have you been together?
>Married for 10, together for 15.
How old are your kids? How are they taking it?
>Daughter is 4 and son is 8. Our daughter has no idea what happened or why. Our son has a general idea of what happened but I don't think he really understands. He got really upset when he saw his mom in the hospital. She really wanted to see the kids but they didn't stay long.
>It helps that our son is a lot like me, she was quicker to reconnect with him but it's been really hard with our daughter who she has little memory of.
Did you ever worry she wouldn’t love you anymore?
>I think I always assumed she would. She said I was the one thing she remembered most, that I was her mental "rock" and she still "liked" me. She said it felt like when we first started dating.
Do you have a good support system?
>Umm... we got very little help from extended family. My parents came, but after a couple of days my dad mentioned someone else would have to help in the future. Said they were getting too old. We have no contact with my wife's side (and it wasn't pleasant when my wife got those memories back). As for friends, we moved to a very conservative area 3 years ago for my job. Sadly, we haven’t made any friends here.
What happened with her family?
>I'm leaving plenty out, but… We started dating when we were young. She still lived at home but things weren't well with her parents. One day they abruptly kicked her out, so I asked her to move in with me. She hasn’t seen or spoken with any of her family in 12+ years and our kids have never even seen pictures of them.
Did her personality change?
>Yes. From what I've heard, we got lucky with how little (relatively) her personality changed. That's been one of the hardest parts. In some ways she's a new person.
>There's parts of our past she has forgotten. Some good, some bad. I feel really guilty about saying this, but I'm actually glad she forgot how fucked up I am (emotionally). I'm not making this up, a week or two before she got sick we were arguing (it was a pretty big fight) and she said something about how I always react like X to Y situation and that I'm just like my mother. It really bothered me as I've worked hard to get past a lot of emotional problems.
>I remember lying in bed later and angrily wishing that she would forget all of the shit from my past, all the shit she knew about me and my family and that we could just start over. I wish I was lying about this. I don't believe in god but someone heard me and granted my wish. I told my wife about it and even though we generally believe it's a coincidence it still really bothers me that I said it.
Do either of you just get the urge to leave?
>To be completely honest, yes. We’ve both had multiple instances where we wanted to walk away from everything. More on her part... and I completely understand why.
>There were a few really bad times where I truly thought it was over, that our little family simply couldn't take this amount of stress. We somehow got through the problems and the urges seem to happen less and less. Around a later was when it got really hard emotionally. She still felt like she'd been plopped into someone else's life. I had a lot of trouble keeping it together.
———
I did an AMA over a year ago and after what happened last night I don't think I have any choice but to end my marriage... but I really need some advice - 29 April 2011 (1 year, 4 months later)
Pretty numb at the moment… I apologize in advance for the enormous length of the post as well as any typos or grammatical errors.
TLDR on the AMA: Oct 2008 my wife lost all short and long term memory due to viral encephalitis. Eventually got short term back but still had gaps in long term (still does to this day).
Since the AMA in December 2009 the relationship between my wife and children was the first to deteriorate. She didn't remember having them or making the decision to have them. Told me on multiple occasions she feels like she is babysitting someone else's kids and didn't want to be a mother any longer.
Our 9 yo son had some problems with some kids at school and we didn't find out until he started acting out at home. Between that and getting caught sneaking cookies up to his room my wife reacted by really clamping down. She felt his getting picked was a sign of weakness and that he needed more discipline. We disagreed but tried to keep moving forward. Our son was very confused as one of the kids was a good friend and he would get upset, confused and contradict himself when trying to explain what happened, which infuriated my wife. She felt he was lying and doing it all for attention.
Any time he made a mistake she'd nail him hard… I came home from work one day to find him crying and hauling all of his toys from his room to the basement. He'd done something that pissed her off, I don't recall in particular what it was that day. He would get yelled at for bringing home a dirty lunch bag or coat. At this point if he even looked at her the wrong way she'd yell at him. Any time I objected we'd end up arguing and she'd blame me for contributing to his attitude and behavior.
Our son was now lying any time he sensed he might be in trouble and he wasn't very good at it. I advocated discipline but also wanted to get at the core problem behind the lying, which I felt was his fear of getting in trouble, yelled at and punished. My wife took the lying as a personal insult and wanted to punish accordingly.
Our son is very bright, socially awkward and probably a bit immature for his age. He didn't respond well to the beratement, often doing what he probably felt was his only recourse, stonewalling. Against my objections she'd threaten him with beatings, no food or sleeping in the basement if he refused to answer her. This escalated into name calling, seething sarcasm and belittling him in every way.
I tried to protect him as much as possible but any time I stepped in she'd make me pay for it. If I tried to calm her down while she was yelling at him, it would upset her further and turn her anger towards me. If I tried to talk to her privately after the kids were in bed it turned into an argument.
I was incredibly confused, my wife had never, ever treated anyone in this way before. She was full of anger and regret over quitting her job to raise the kids as well as the lack of jobs which kept her 'stuck' at home. She felt with her illness and the fact that she gave up so much for the kids that they should work extra hard at behaving. She complained more and more how unfair her life was and how she didn't deserve these kind of health problems and unappreciative, bratty children.
I've always tried to advocate what I've read about parenting: understanding, patience, communication and respect. Don't be permissive or a "friend" and let children do whatever they want, but don't be too heavy handed with the discipline. Discipline, with an emphasis on cause and effect and setting realistic boundaries should be the goal, not punishment that is retaliatory, overly severe and without love.
Affection and attention from their mother for both of our children dropped significantly, especially our son. It is pretty much zero. I began to notice how the kids would actively avoid her and come only to me for things they needed. They began speaking more quietly in an attempt to go unnoticed by her but all this did was anger her further. She blamed me for being the 'weak parent' that they'd gravitate to. She said she wouldn't change as it would just show them that weakness would get them catered to. Again we'd disagree and argue about the issue, again with me taking all of the blame.
The whole situation worsened still. Our arguments got more heated. The name calling done by my wife got worse. I was beginning to see how manipulative my wife was getting. She'd guilt our son with how his 'horrible behavior' kept her sick. She'd attack him instead of his behavior and force him to admit how awful he was...
During an argument about this my wife struck me in the face as I was trying to sit down in a chair. I wasn't making any move towards her and I've never come close to touching her in anger. I was beyond stunned.
She didn't apologize, ever (she never apologizes, she feels she doesn't have to), and justified it by saying I was upset and she was trying to snap me out of it. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to give up on my marriage, I kept telling myself she was sick and dealing with a lot of stress. I justified it any way I could.
As if reading my mind, she told me I was too gutless to leave and that I'd never get the kids if I did. She told me I was the one with the issues and that I was responsible for her anger and sickness. Whenever I put my foot down she'd guilt me with blame for ruining her life… I did carry a lot of guilt over her illness and regretted trusting one of the neurologists and not getting her to the ER sooner. She knew what buttons to push or what would break my will or what guilt would drive me to tears.
I was always tired and my will to fight was diminishing. Because of 'how horrible' the kids were, I took on more and more responsibility. I prepared their breakfast and lunches the night before, and made dinner when I got home. I helped our son with his and our laundry as she'd no longer do that. I got all groceries and ran all errands. She told our son that since he was such an ass that he no longer getting anything from her in any way. Told him to plan on starving if I wasn't around.
She would vacuum the house on occasion but that was about it. All other time was with her on the couch, watching tv, playing on her cellphone and shopping and browsing on the net. I was at the point I felt like I was raising them as a single father except for her yelling. We began going through stretches where we wouldn't speak and I actually began enjoying these respites, as the kids and I got to spend time talking, reading and playing while my wife locked herself in her room. That would end when my wife and I reconciled but the periods between arguments and related periods of non-communication decreased while their length increased.
This whole time I've never given up hope that I'd be able to help her through this and understand how counter-productive her treatment of the kids actually was and how unhealthy her constant anger was. All I got was blame, blame and more blame. And if I would get upset with her accusations she'd accuse me of being unstable and overly sensitive. If I reacted to her calling me a closet f***** (sorry, her words not mine), a pussy, an embarrassment of a husband, a worthless father, or whatever else she'd come up with then I was a being an ass who didn't care about his sick wife.
She called our 9 year old son a worthless piece of shit, an ass, a horrible son, lazy, selfish, etc... Told him he was such horrible kid it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. I stepped in but always paid for it. I'd give him a hug and kiss before bed, still in tears, and tell him that while he needed to always to work on his behavior that I would always love him and that nothing would change that. Fortunately I had to do that far less with our 5 year old daughter but she would wasn't immune to that kind of treatment. Both kids were becoming more and more withdrawn but my wife insisted it was my fault.
Everything came to a head today. My wife had not spoken to myself or the kids in a week except for the occasional snide remark. I'd been sleeping on the couch and trying to spend as much time as I could with the kids.
I got a call from her at work Thursday morning, and she immediately told me 'my' son was going to get his ass beat when he got home. I asked what he did and she told me he was running down the sidewalk with some kids instead of waiting at the bus stop like he was told to. I asked what else he did and she immediately snapped that she'd told him previously not to move from the bus stop and he needs to learn to do what he's told. She went on to say how she is not going to be legally responsive for an ass that won't listen to her. I told her that I couldn't talk any longer as I had a meeting I was going to be late to and that I'd call later. She was furious and texted me a few minutes later, telling me what a worthless father I was and not to call.
Later in the day I went to a dentist's appointment and after leaving got another text asking why the hell I didn't respond. I texted back, asking what was going on and was told 'my loss'. Being close to home I decided to postpone running some errands and went straight home to find an empty house. My wife had taken my daughter out for some errand but my son was due home any second. She didn't come back for another 45 minutes and major rain storms had been hitting the last few days. He would've been stuck outside if I hadn't decided to head home early.
She quickly came in and started yelling at him and I told her I handled it but she immediately started yelling at me about my lack of parenting. I told her if she was going to yell that I wasn't going to stand there and take it. I told her we could talk later but she just started yelling what a big fucking pussy i was, right in front of our son. I put my hands up in way of surrender, backed up, turned and started to walk away.
Then I heard her hit our son, who immediately started crying. From where they were standing and where he was holding his hands she had hit him in the face.
I immediately yelled and told her to stop and get her hands off of him. She responded by charging past me to the phone and said she was going to call my mom and tell her how fucked in the head i was and how I was contributing to his behavior by refusing to discipline him. Then she said she was going to call the police. Stunned, I told her that was insane, she'd just struck our son, not me.
At that point I realized I could hear our son crying hysterically in the other room. Confused, i told my wife as much and said I was going to check on him and that she need to put the damn phone down and if anyone was calling the police it was me.
As I turned to check on our son I heard a massive crash. My wife had taken my brand new 27" iMac and slammed it down and completely smashed the glass and display.
While she went upstairs I stood dumbfounded at what had just happened. I then ran into the other room to check on my son. His face was still red but he otherwise was ok. I got him calmed down and went to find my wife. She had locked herself in our bedroom and was talking to my mom, lying about how she was afraid for her and the kids and I had chased her in there and forced her to lock me out.
At that point it hit me that our marriage was over and that I needed to consider the kids. She ignored my requests to open the door and continued to try to provoke me by lying about what had happened. I collected myself and went back downstairs and checked on my son. He seemed a bit shaken so I talked with him for awhile and just told him I'd never leave him and that the hitting and yelling and name calling weren't going to happen any more.
My wife came down with her cell and told me if I'd calmed down enough that I could speak with my mother. I was absolutely stunned that she was so obviously posturing and painting a picture of a frail, sick wife hounded by her angry husband. My wife had never shown any type of behavior like this before, she use to be someone that i considered to be the most honest person i knew. I explained to my mom what really happened and over the next hour finally told her what had been happening over the last year or so. We live about a 6 hour drive away from my parents but they suspected something was up. We hadn't been home to see them in quite awhile (my wife has no relationship with her parents or family).
At this point it was late and I wasn't sure if I should call the police over her striking our son in the face and the destruction of the computer. I was (and still am) in such a fog I can't really think clearly. I don't know what to do at the moment but I made it clear to my mom that either way, the marriage was over… she recommended calling a lawyer this morning before I do anything.
After finally telling my mom what had been happening I realized how bad things really were. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed by the guilt of not having done something sooner or doing more to protect the kids. But I'm also worried as my wife has changed her mind and said she's not moving out until I get a psych evaluation. My biggest concern is that she's going to try to frame me as the angry psycho husband and take my daughter away. I keep telling myself that it's not likely as both kids openly admit they're scared of mom but I have this nagging doubt and have heard too many horror stories about husbands losing their kids. My son also told me he heard us arguing the night my wife hit me and described the whole thing in detail. He said he got out of bed and put his ear to the HVAC vent and heard her hit me and my stunned and repeated response of 'i can't believe you hit me'.
I know I'm not the perfect father or husband but I try really hard to improve every day and try not to quit on anything or anyone. I just can't believe that I'm sitting here typing this, knowing that I'll soon be an almost middle aged single father raising (hopefully) two kids on his own. I sincerely believed that I would never be someone who got a divorce. I naively believed divorces happened to other people that didn't try hard enough. I hope my wife realizes she needs help but I can let her hurt our kids any more.
I'm sorry Reddit, I have no one else to tell this to but i had to get it off my chest. Between this and the AMA no one knows more than you… It's almost 1AM but I'm going to wait to post this until Friday morning, I'm going to play a bit of Portal 2 to clear my head before I crash on the couch. I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer on how to cope, what I might do to help my kids cope and anything related to the coming divorce and what I can do to make sure I protect myself, the kids and get full custody.
Pre-post edit on what happened this morning: My wife was going to take the kids and leave due to my issues and actually called my family doctor and told them I was acting crazy and scaring her and the kids (not the case in any way shape or form). Told her I'd call the police if she tried to leave with them. She's also sending emails and texts to my parents and a co-worker of mine about how I'm bipolar and schizo and a big mess. To show I have nothing to hide, I agreed to go in and talk to my doctor and be evaluated this morning.
Took both kids with me, I was concerned my wife would take off with them. My son cried that he was missing school as he didn't want to stay home with her. He then said he wanted to stay away from me because mom told him I was sick. Explained to him that I was fine, just upset over what happened yesterday and just a bit tired... he was still bothered about my lost work and broken computer (more than the yelling and hitting). He couldn't believe how mad she was to do something like that.
Talked to the nurse (they put the kids in another room) and then talked to the doctor. She thinks i'm borderline depressed with everything i've been dealing with but is very concerned about the family overall. She discouraged me from escalating legally and involving the police for fear of making things worse but I told her that my biggest concern was for the kids well-being. I mentioned that when my wife started having seizures over a year ago things got a lot worse. I wasn't sure if it was the stress or the anti-seizure meds as my wife had never, ever acted like this before. I'm not sure what to do. My doctor wants my wife to come in and get checked out but I told her the biggest issue is that my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing. She insists the problem is me and the kids stressing her out.
I contacted my boss and then HR (both were enormously supportive), I'm taking some FLMA time off to regroup. The woman in HR gave me her personal cell# and the name of several psychologists and SW's that she thought could help.
My wife came down to talk to me after we got home and seemed surprised I wasn't kept on a psych hold. I told her what the doc told me about being borderline depressed and wanting to see her which she ignored before starting to accuse me of being the problem again.
I don't see how we can stay married at this point, she thinks there's nothing wrong with her behavior. I'm going to start by making some phone calls and lawyering up.
Last point, my wife has completely changed her personality as of this morning. She gave our son a big hug, the first affection i've seen in almost two years. And when the kids and I were sitting at the table drawing he showed her his drawing and she commented how wonderful it was (instead of 'why are you wasting your time drawing fantasies like some freak') as per normal. He's very confused as to why mom's being nice all the sudden.
EDIT: It's 11PM and i'm spent. i'll be on a bit this weekend but plan on spending the day outside with the kids. Found a few more highly recommended lawyers to add to the list that i'll be contacting.
EDIT #2: Saturday morning... I think my wife spoke with a lawyer on Friday, she slipped while asking if I picked one out yet. I'm going to tell her I'm going to work Monday but instead go and speak with whoever I can.
EDIT #3: 11:14PM, was on and responded to a few... back to working on my documentation for Monday.
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Update - Added by OOP to same post - 4 May 2011 (5 days later)
Complete roller coaster the last few days. wasn't going to fight for custody then she was. found out this morning that when she met with our family doctor on monday that she was given an ultimatum- go to family therapy or doc was calling CPS. I've asked 4 times and been denied 4 times, always with ridiculous excuses (no point, won't matter, they'll see how sick I really am [as in me, not her]). Left a message for the doctor about where we're at. She's got a lawyer and is meeting next week but I have two consultations in the next two days. And first thing I want to know is how to get her OUT. She's done some extremely hurtful things to our kids the last couple of days. She doesn't fucking care about them in the slightest. I'll post a full update in a new thread later. Too much shit has happend to keep adding here.
Comments
Do you think your wife even loves your kids?
>Our younger daughter maybe... but she rarely interacts with her. at best she'll take her on a short errand. as much as it pains me to write this... she hates our son. resents him in every way shape and form.
You need to take some concrete steps to move forward.
>I'm lawyering up and getting out asap. Just seeing the kids act more like themselves today while we were out getting lunch made me realize how bad it's been.
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