What is the best way for me to go about handling this? I (30M) attempted to get a NC order back in September and it was fruitless even after multiple police reports. My Nparent is still text book stalking me (this is all coming from a trusted relative of mine who I know won't report any of my information to my Nparent). She is also coming to my work on days I have either taken off or left early so that is part of why she hasn't seen my car along with my car being small enough to park between 2 big cars and it's easily concealed. My Nparent also found out I recently changed my banking information (she was very financially abusive throughout my entire adult life since I begin working essentially) due to a loan I had that I had already paid off.

The whole situation is very upsetting and nerve wrecking and it's upsetting my Girlfriend (29F) who I live with and my Nparent was previously stalking my place of residence as I live with my partner and her family so my girlfriend and I can save up for our own place, but it is resulting in both of us having bad anxiety nights and it is making me paranoid that my employer will eventually notice my Nparents car and put things together and her actions will result in my termination.

Again, I have already attempted the legal route and it was under fruitless due to incompetence on their end and id like to avoid going that route again if possible.

Does anyone have any other options when dealing with something like this? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. I'm getting very annoyed and stressed about this whole situation.

EDIT FOR MILD CONTEXT:

My trusted relative is in my corner when it comes to my Nparent and is also very low contact with them but is attempting for me to make ammends with my enabler parent. Granted, she said she won't push the issue on me (which is very much appreciated) but she said she won't question my judgement either way. I have personally come to terms with my enabler parent just being my bystander my whole life even after my Nparent was also physically abusive with me several times throughout my childhood. My trusted relative also relaid to me last night that there were several other times (prior to the other day) where she had to give my Nparent a verbal tongue lashing due to how she talked to me and was always yelling and cursing at me from a young age (say 5-7 roughly). I will fill her in on my enabler parents actions when I see her in several months

MINI UPDATE: (1 day later)

First off, thank you for all the supportive comments they were very reassuring and helpful knowing I'm not the only person who has had to deal with this. And to answer everyone's question yes my credit is frozen and she doesn't know any of my information regarding my new banking information.

Now onto the actual update.

After discussing it with my partner and reading some of the comments, I've decided to just solider forward for the time being and keep applying for new jobs until one sticks.

I am not going to bring this to HR yet as:

1. I don't want this coming back to bite me in the ass as a result.

2. yes she is not physically coming onto the property (thankfully) she is just driving by my place of employment which yes is still bad but she never sees my car so that's a win

3. I work in an environment where there aren't very many younger people and trying to explain everything to even my HR person would just go in one ear and out the other and I don't wanna have to go into extreme detail about things just to get my point across to them.

So for the time being I'm just talking it one day at a time and just hoping I can land a new job soon.

(Also the person who commented trying the piss disks, that gave my partner and I a good laugh once I explained it, but ultimately we aren't doing that as my Nparent would IMMEDIATELY peg me for it and it would give her a reason to take me to court. Again, good idea on paper just not something I'm willing to execute)

Also apologies for the bad grammar in spots, trying to type this on mobile very early in the morning is a bit of a struggle

Hello, I am a 24 yr old f and my boyfriend is also 24.
So, this just happened today but last year I had seen similar posts on his phone.
So, like a lot of guys my boyfriend is always looking at random things on facebook marketplace such as car parts, random vintage items, vehicles, etc.
The first time this happened months ago, he was scrolling showing me something and I see a picture of a girl and I can’t remember the caption, but it was obvious that she was either selling pictures of herself or advertising herself for $. When I caught that I immediately said something and asked for his phone and kept scrolling to see if I could find more and there were some other similar posts sprinkled in the majority of the other stuff I mentioned he searches up on there. I am definitely not okay with my boyfriend watching any type of porn or sexual content. He knows this and seems to be totally okay with that boundary. When I asked him why that would be there he was claiming he had no idea and was very frustrated at the fact that there was no way he could i guess prove his innocence in the situation.
It definitely ruined my mood seeing that and made me feel so uneasy not knowing if he was telling the truth or not.

Now, fast forward to today we were laying in my bed, both of us on our phones and then we turned to each other because he wanted to show me a pair of boots he saw on Facebook marketplace but I only glanced for a few seconds but I did still see when he swiped left to go back to the previous page with all the posts and immediately I see there’s a girl on the top right corner. I would have reacted regardless, but what made me react quicker was the fact that he swiped up on the app and swiped it away so when he opened up the app again, it would all refresh. That immediately raised a red flag to me and I said “wtf why did u do that”.

he tried to act dumb and play it off, as if he was gonna do that to all of his apps, but he instinctually only swiped up on that one… I know if my intention is to swipe up on all of the apps so they’re not all running for whatever reason, my thumb is swiping up consecutively with the quickness.

it seemed to me that he was hiding something so I grabbed his phone while saying “if I see another girl on here or multiple girls, it was definitely something weird and you’re trying to hide something.”

after a scroll or two, I see a post of a girl, it’s a mirror pic and she’s wearing a thin T-shirt with no bra on, with the caption “selling pics”. I also see multiple other posts the captions werent as obvious but seeing as this is facebook MARKETPLACE they were clearly marketing themselves in THAT way for $. Now, these posts weren’t the majority at all but there were definitely more than enough posts to make me extremely uncomfortable and feel not secure with my boyfriend.

After me reacting again, and letting him know
How disgusting and disappointing it is to see that on his phone i asked him again why that was on there and he said he doesnt know. and i asked why he was so weird and swiped up on the app. he said that as soon as he got a glimpse of that post, he knew it would cause problems. He said that being on Facebook marketplace again recently he had seen those types of posts, and he tried to do everything he could to remove them, he said he even spent around two hours trying to figure it out, but nothing worked. I asked him if he’s ever searched that stuff up and he said he never has. We’ve been together for two years, he’s known my boundaries since we started getting to know each other. he’s always respected my boundaries and I’ve always done the same for him. I also never ask him to do something I would never do myself in terms of setting boundaries.

Then, I also said, “ before we got together when you were single did you search this stuff up? Is that why it’s maybe still showing up?” and he said he’s never searched that up, ever.
He was swearing up and down he had never ever clicked on or searched anything up like that.

After some more back-and-forth about how uncomfortable seeing that made me, he tried to say that it’s probably on there because since the stuff he searches up is clearly stuff that a man would search up that that stuff is popping up because of that. so his point is literally that because he’s a guy that type of stuff is showing up on Facebook marketplace.

we eventually stop with the back-and-forth because it was mainly him, pleading with me in a very frustrated manner that he didn’t search that up and again he was saying it was frustrating not being able to prove that he didn’t do that. and if he was telling the truth, I just didn’t want him to be going through so much turmoil in his head because he truly was getting so frustrated and angry, and just looked and sounded so defeated at the situation. so we sort of made up towards the end of this, but I still have a very uneasy feeling and I can’t wrap my head around why those posts are on his Facebook marketplace timeline….

I now have a question for you guys, specifically men.

do you frequently use Facebook marketplace, and search up “things that a man would search up”?

if so, do those kinds of post randomly pop up on your feed? if so, is it totally random?

Or is this just not a coincidence and not a normal occurrence…?

please comment and give me some insight on this if you can.

I suggested he just continue searching up different things to kind of water down those posts and eventually they’ll be gone. In the past when this first happened, I remember we came to the agreement that if he needed to use Facebook marketplace, he could just use it through my phone and he was doing that at a point because I remember going to look up coach bags one day and there were random car parts I’ve never searched up before and this truck he had been telling me about.

I don’t even use Facebook marketplace that often but I remember using it at least two days in a row after seeing the stuff he had searched up on my phone. Eventually, the stuff he searched up through my Facebook was all gone and it was just stuff that I was searching up. I want to believe him, but in the back of my mind, I just don’t. I know how algorithms work and your phone definitely wouldn’t be suggesting something that you didn’t already search up in the past or weren’t searching up currently.

he’s making it seem like it’s just a coincidence and he’s acting like he has ZERO idea why that would be there. my heart wants to believe him but my head is telling me otherwise. plz give me some feasible advice, thank u all.

I (17F) have known this girl since first grade. We’ve never been friends, and she’s always been part of the mean girl groups at school.

Recently, I got a scar on my forearm from dropping a heavy PC tower while moving it to my desk. The screws caught my arm, and it was deep enough that I needed stitches. Since it's summer, I started wearing t shirts, so the scar is visible

Well, I found out she’s been spreading rumors that I’m suicidal and self harming, and literally making fun of me for it. It's incredibly messed up. I am absolutely not suicidal, and honestly, it felt so disrespectful to people who actually struggle with that. I decided to confront her when i walked past her one time and she literally started singing “im suicidal suicidal”… that one song. She immediately claimed it was "just a joke", and i should “chill”

In the heat of the moment, I snapped. I’ve noticed over the last few years that she rarely eats at school, idk if she is infact anorexic or not, but I told her, "Well, how about I go tell everyone you’re anorexic since no one ever sees you eat? But don't worry, it's just a joke."

My friends say she totally deserved it, but I still feel awful. I can't believe those words came out of my mouth, and I feel like a shit person. When I said it, she just shrugged and said "I don't care” so I don't even know if an apology would mean anything to her. Should I apologize, or just let it go and move on?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/ThatOneCloneTrooper

For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Originally posted to r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Stalking, invasion of privacy, breaking and entry!<

MOOD SPOILER: >!Extremely creepy!<

Original Post  May 6, 2026

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

Update  May 12, 2026

(Re-upload - Mod said first post broke rule 6 so I've taken a bunch of details out)

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

⁃ how did she get in/have her own keys? The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

⁃ what was she doing in my apartment? Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

⁃ How long? My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

⁃ So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in? Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

⁃ The using my shower? She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

⁃ How did her parents never notice? Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

⁃ Did she have a thing for me like a crush? My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

⁃ How’s my standings with the family right now? The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

⁃ Am I going to press charges? No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

⁃ Have I seen her since? No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

⁃ How do I currently feel? Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

- Do I feel bad for her? Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

⁃ Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes? Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

⁃ Any advice I can give? Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Update to this post:

https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1pf37e5/my_girlfriend_25f_admitted_she_slept_with_someone/

I wasn't planning to come back to this. I posted the original mostly because I was going in circles in my own head and couldn't find a single thread on here that exactly matched what I was dealing with. But when I logged back in I was surprised to see how many people saw the post, and honestly the DMs alone were enough to make me type this out. Also found out the post got picked up on other sites which is a weird feeling. Typing this out on phone if formatting is weird I will fix later.

We broke up. A little over a month after the post. I ended it.

For a while it felt like a mistake. Not a I miss her way, more like a constant worry if I'd just let some insecure macho part of my brain torch a two year relationship over something that was actually acceptable. She wasn't a bad girlfriend in many ways. The relationship wasn't bad. That made it harder for me to be honest. I’ve got experience in dumping solidly bad girlfriends.

What actually happened in that month was a cycle. We'd argue about the hookup, eventually get somewhere that felt like real understanding, and then some random thing would surface it again and we'd be back at zero. The back and forth quickly got annoying and toxic.

But that's not what ended it. Something a few commenters mentioned in the original thread stuck with me. A specific detail I had touched on but hadn't really thought through. I did eventually bring it up to her directly and she answered honestly, which I'll give her credit for.

Before they had sex, she had asked him whether he saw any future between them. Not as a condition to sleeping with him apparently, but just probed to double check if he was up for that.

He said no and that he was just looking for casual sex. She slept with him anyway, drove to my apartment later that night, and told me she wanted to be with me.

I sat with that for a long time. On paper it changes nothing about the timeline everyone discussed in the last post. She still came back. She still chose to be with me afterwards. But something about the sequence of it just hollowed me out. She went to him first to get a no before choosing me. Not to mention the whole idea of me sitting at my apartment when this all went down.

Although on that point just to be clear, I’m not a little nice guy and him some sexed up alpha male like some of you guys in the DMs were describing haha. I’m perfectly confident, having honestly gotten too much info from my ex when we talked, that this was simply just another dude in the lineup that she wanted more than me.

But all this resulted in me feeling less like a guy she had wanted and desired, and started me feeling like a second place trophy. That's probably the most honest way I can put it.

For what it's worth, I don't think she's a bad human being. I really don't. But we clearly had completely different wiring around what commitment means and when it starts mattering. She didn't think what she did was a big deal and also seemed to undervalue the emotional value of sex in general in the post relationship analysis I’ve been thinking over.

Breakup itself was painful. She took it hard initially but seems to be doing fine now, seemingly better than me from what I’ve heard from a mutual. I've been pretty numb these last few months. Not in a worrying way to be clear, just going through the motions and it’s getting better every day. I've had bad breakups before and I know what the other side of one looks like, so I'm not too concerned.

A few people from the original post left some genuinely kind comments and I wanted to thank you for that.

I think the thing I keep coming back to is pretty simple. I just want to be someone's first choice. Hopefully that's out there somewhere.

I am not OOP. That is u/memoryman. Originally posted in r/Relationship_Advice, r/IAmA, and r/AskReddit

Trigger warnings: >!child abuse, domestic violence!<

Mood spoilers: >!a sad story with no resolution!<

Editor’s Note: This is Part 1 of a multi-part saga (split due to character limit). It takes place over 15 years ago. OOP promised an update before >!the trial!< but subsequently abandoned his account. While the story is structurally inconclusive, the discussion and the events leading up to >!the split!< are incredibly intense and worth the read.

PART 2

———

Backstory: My wife had total global amnesia (all long and short term memory gone) and still hasn't fully recovered AMA - 29 December 2009

Clarification: this happened a little over 1 year ago.

The doctors say my wife had viral encephalitis and that is what caused the memory loss. It was very sudden. My wife was fine when she woke up, came to help me find some clothes for our daughter and then started asking me repeatedly what day it was.

The first doctor we saw sent us home, saying she was having confusion from her migraines (which she has a history of, but never had any problems with memory loss or confusion).

About a day later my wife woke up from a nap (she was sleeping a lot) and asked me if I was her boyfriend. I lost it at this point and took her to our family doctor and then straight to the ER. She was hospitalized for almost a week.

In the hospital she only remembered about 30-90 seconds before she'd completely forget what you'd told her. By the time she was discharged she was up to 15-30 minutes of short term and she was starting to remember some of the details of her hospital room layout (what was behind the door, closet or toilet).

It's been a long slow process to recovery over the past year and her immune system really took a hit. Her short term memory seems to be completely fine now. A lot of her long term memory is back as far as we can tell, it's hard to judge. The older memories seem the most intact, childhood, grade school, high school, college years.

The stuff from the last few years has been the slowest to come back. She remembers our oldest child's birth but remembers nothing of our daughter's birth or pregnancy... that's been difficult.

That's the short version. Ask away and I'll answer everything I can.

Edit #1: forgot to mention, at about the 1 year mark I woke up early in the morning to her having a seizure (no history of that and I'd never seen one before). I thought she was brain dead and completely lost it. Back to the ER again, more MRIs and CTs. The neurologist thinks it was related to the virus as it affected the part of the brain that often causes seizures.

Edit #2: since this seems to be a common question this is how she'll remember things: Good or bad they come back suddenly. Sometimes she'll just remember the general experience and not the details and sometimes she'll remember all of it. The pattern has been that she'll remember something small (it'll just pop in or something can spur it) and then it usually triggers related memories.

Edit #3: personality-wise she now likes action flicks a hell of a lot more than she used to. not into chick flicks as much. i'll add more here later.

Comments

Do you know what caused the encephalitis?

>The doctors don't know 100% what caused the infection. They're pretty sure it was a virus but the spinal taps and tests didn’t identify which one. She did have a stubborn sinus infection prior to this. The doc said the virus could’ve been in the air, or been dormant in her and triggered by something.

Is there a chance she could get another infection?

>My wife said to just dump her on the curb if that happens... and she wasn't kidding. I wouldn't do that but I honestly don't know if we could make it. Something like this makes you look really hard at what a human being can take. I always thought we'd be together forever and that we were strong enough to make it through anything. I'm optimistic about our future as a family but I don't know if either of us could take this again.

How long have you been together?

>Married for 10, together for 15. 

How old are your kids? How are they taking it?

>Daughter is 4 and son is 8. Our daughter has no idea what happened or why. Our son has a general idea of what happened but I don't think he really understands. He got really upset when he saw his mom in the hospital. She really wanted to see the kids but they didn't stay long.

>It helps that our son is a lot like me, she was quicker to reconnect with him but it's been really hard with our daughter who she has little memory of.

Did you ever worry she wouldn’t love you anymore?

>I think I always assumed she would. She said I was the one thing she remembered most, that I was her mental "rock" and she still "liked" me. She said it felt like when we first started dating.

Do you have a good support system?

>Umm... we got very little help from extended family. My parents came, but after a couple of days my dad mentioned someone else would have to help in the future. Said they were getting too old. We have no contact with my wife's side (and it wasn't pleasant when my wife got those memories back). As for friends, we moved to a very conservative area 3 years ago for my job. Sadly, we haven’t made any friends here.

What happened with her family?

>I'm leaving plenty out, but… We started dating when we were young. She still lived at home but things weren't well with her parents. One day they abruptly kicked her out, so I asked her to move in with me. She hasn’t seen or spoken with any of her family in 12+ years and our kids have never even seen pictures of them.

Did her personality change?

>Yes. From what I've heard, we got lucky with how little (relatively) her personality changed. That's been one of the hardest parts. In some ways she's a new person. 

>There's parts of our past she has forgotten. Some good, some bad. I feel really guilty about saying this, but I'm actually glad she forgot how fucked up I am (emotionally). I'm not making this up, a week or two before she got sick we were arguing (it was a pretty big fight) and she said something about how I always react like X to Y situation and that I'm just like my mother. It really bothered me as I've worked hard to get past a lot of emotional problems. 

>I remember lying in bed later and angrily wishing that she would forget all of the shit from my past, all the shit she knew about me and my family and that we could just start over. I wish I was lying about this. I don't believe in god but someone heard me and granted my wish. I told my wife about it and even though we generally believe it's a coincidence it still really bothers me that I said it.

Do either of you just get the urge to leave?

>To be completely honest, yes. We’ve both had multiple instances where we wanted to walk away from everything. More on her part... and I completely understand why.

>There were a few really bad times where I truly thought it was over, that our little family simply couldn't take this amount of stress. We somehow got through the problems and the urges seem to happen less and less. Around a later was when it got really hard emotionally. She still felt like she'd been plopped into someone else's life. I had a lot of trouble keeping it together.

———

I did an AMA over a year ago and after what happened last night I don't think I have any choice but to end my marriage... but I really need some advice - 29 April 2011 (1 year, 4 months later)

Pretty numb at the moment… I apologize in advance for the enormous length of the post as well as any typos or grammatical errors.

TLDR on the AMA: Oct 2008 my wife lost all short and long term memory due to viral encephalitis. Eventually got short term back but still had gaps in long term (still does to this day).

Since the AMA in December 2009 the relationship between my wife and children was the first to deteriorate. She didn't remember having them or making the decision to have them. Told me on multiple occasions she feels like she is babysitting someone else's kids and didn't want to be a mother any longer.

Our 9 yo son had some problems with some kids at school and we didn't find out until he started acting out at home. Between that and getting caught sneaking cookies up to his room my wife reacted by really clamping down. She felt his getting picked was a sign of weakness and that he needed more discipline. We disagreed but tried to keep moving forward. Our son was very confused as one of the kids was a good friend and he would get upset, confused and contradict himself when trying to explain what happened, which infuriated my wife. She felt he was lying and doing it all for attention.

Any time he made a mistake she'd nail him hard… I came home from work one day to find him crying and hauling all of his toys from his room to the basement. He'd done something that pissed her off, I don't recall in particular what it was that day. He would get yelled at for bringing home a dirty lunch bag or coat. At this point if he even looked at her the wrong way she'd yell at him. Any time I objected we'd end up arguing and she'd blame me for contributing to his attitude and behavior.

Our son was now lying any time he sensed he might be in trouble and he wasn't very good at it. I advocated discipline but also wanted to get at the core problem behind the lying, which I felt was his fear of getting in trouble, yelled at and punished. My wife took the lying as a personal insult and wanted to punish accordingly.

Our son is very bright, socially awkward and probably a bit immature for his age. He didn't respond well to the beratement, often doing what he probably felt was his only recourse, stonewalling. Against my objections she'd threaten him with beatings, no food or sleeping in the basement if he refused to answer her. This escalated into name calling, seething sarcasm and belittling him in every way.

I tried to protect him as much as possible but any time I stepped in she'd make me pay for it. If I tried to calm her down while she was yelling at him, it would upset her further and turn her anger towards me. If I tried to talk to her privately after the kids were in bed it turned into an argument.

I was incredibly confused, my wife had never, ever treated anyone in this way before. She was full of anger and regret over quitting her job to raise the kids as well as the lack of jobs which kept her 'stuck' at home. She felt with her illness and the fact that she gave up so much for the kids that they should work extra hard at behaving. She complained more and more how unfair her life was and how she didn't deserve these kind of health problems and unappreciative, bratty children.

I've always tried to advocate what I've read about parenting: understanding, patience, communication and respect. Don't be permissive or a "friend" and let children do whatever they want, but don't be too heavy handed with the discipline. Discipline, with an emphasis on cause and effect and setting realistic boundaries should be the goal, not punishment that is retaliatory, overly severe and without love.

Affection and attention from their mother for both of our children dropped significantly, especially our son. It is pretty much zero. I began to notice how the kids would actively avoid her and come only to me for things they needed. They began speaking more quietly in an attempt to go unnoticed by her but all this did was anger her further. She blamed me for being the 'weak parent' that they'd gravitate to. She said she wouldn't change as it would just show them that weakness would get them catered to. Again we'd disagree and argue about the issue, again with me taking all of the blame.

The whole situation worsened still. Our arguments got more heated. The name calling done by my wife got worse. I was beginning to see how manipulative my wife was getting. She'd guilt our son with how his 'horrible behavior' kept her sick. She'd attack him instead of his behavior and force him to admit how awful he was...

During an argument about this my wife struck me in the face as I was trying to sit down in a chair. I wasn't making any move towards her and I've never come close to touching her in anger. I was beyond stunned.

She didn't apologize, ever (she never apologizes, she feels she doesn't have to), and justified it by saying I was upset and she was trying to snap me out of it. I wanted to leave but I didn't want to give up on my marriage, I kept telling myself she was sick and dealing with a lot of stress. I justified it any way I could.

As if reading my mind, she told me I was too gutless to leave and that I'd never get the kids if I did. She told me I was the one with the issues and that I was responsible for her anger and sickness. Whenever I put my foot down she'd guilt me with blame for ruining her life… I did carry a lot of guilt over her illness and regretted trusting one of the neurologists and not getting her to the ER sooner. She knew what buttons to push or what would break my will or what guilt would drive me to tears.

I was always tired and my will to fight was diminishing. Because of 'how horrible' the kids were, I took on more and more responsibility. I prepared their breakfast and lunches the night before, and made dinner when I got home. I helped our son with his and our laundry as she'd no longer do that. I got all groceries and ran all errands. She told our son that since he was such an ass that he no longer getting anything from her in any way. Told him to plan on starving if I wasn't around.

She would vacuum the house on occasion but that was about it. All other time was with her on the couch, watching tv, playing on her cellphone and shopping and browsing on the net. I was at the point I felt like I was raising them as a single father except for her yelling. We began going through stretches where we wouldn't speak and I actually began enjoying these respites, as the kids and I got to spend time talking, reading and playing while my wife locked herself in her room. That would end when my wife and I reconciled but the periods between arguments and related periods of non-communication decreased while their length increased.

This whole time I've never given up hope that I'd be able to help her through this and understand how counter-productive her treatment of the kids actually was and how unhealthy her constant anger was. All I got was blame, blame and more blame. And if I would get upset with her accusations she'd accuse me of being unstable and overly sensitive. If I reacted to her calling me a closet f***** (sorry, her words not mine), a pussy, an embarrassment of a husband, a worthless father, or whatever else she'd come up with then I was a being an ass who didn't care about his sick wife.

She called our 9 year old son a worthless piece of shit, an ass, a horrible son, lazy, selfish, etc... Told him he was such horrible kid it was no wonder he didn't have any friends. I stepped in but always paid for it. I'd give him a hug and kiss before bed, still in tears, and tell him that while he needed to always to work on his behavior that I would always love him and that nothing would change that. Fortunately I had to do that far less with our 5 year old daughter but she would wasn't immune to that kind of treatment. Both kids were becoming more and more withdrawn but my wife insisted it was my fault.

Everything came to a head today. My wife had not spoken to myself or the kids in a week except for the occasional snide remark. I'd been sleeping on the couch and trying to spend as much time as I could with the kids.

I got a call from her at work Thursday morning, and she immediately told me 'my' son was going to get his ass beat when he got home. I asked what he did and she told me he was running down the sidewalk with some kids instead of waiting at the bus stop like he was told to. I asked what else he did and she immediately snapped that she'd told him previously not to move from the bus stop and he needs to learn to do what he's told. She went on to say how she is not going to be legally responsive for an ass that won't listen to her. I told her that I couldn't talk any longer as I had a meeting I was going to be late to and that I'd call later. She was furious and texted me a few minutes later, telling me what a worthless father I was and not to call.

Later in the day I went to a dentist's appointment and after leaving got another text asking why the hell I didn't respond. I texted back, asking what was going on and was told 'my loss'. Being close to home I decided to postpone running some errands and went straight home to find an empty house. My wife had taken my daughter out for some errand but my son was due home any second. She didn't come back for another 45 minutes and major rain storms had been hitting the last few days. He would've been stuck outside if I hadn't decided to head home early.

She quickly came in and started yelling at him and I told her I handled it but she immediately started yelling at me about my lack of parenting. I told her if she was going to yell that I wasn't going to stand there and take it. I told her we could talk later but she just started yelling what a big fucking pussy i was, right in front of our son. I put my hands up in way of surrender, backed up, turned and started to walk away.

Then I heard her hit our son, who immediately started crying. From where they were standing and where he was holding his hands she had hit him in the face.

I immediately yelled and told her to stop and get her hands off of him. She responded by charging past me to the phone and said she was going to call my mom and tell her how fucked in the head i was and how I was contributing to his behavior by refusing to discipline him. Then she said she was going to call the police. Stunned, I told her that was insane, she'd just struck our son, not me.

At that point I realized I could hear our son crying hysterically in the other room. Confused, i told my wife as much and said I was going to check on him and that she need to put the damn phone down and if anyone was calling the police it was me.

As I turned to check on our son I heard a massive crash. My wife had taken my brand new 27" iMac and slammed it down and completely smashed the glass and display.

While she went upstairs I stood dumbfounded at what had just happened. I then ran into the other room to check on my son. His face was still red but he otherwise was ok. I got him calmed down and went to find my wife. She had locked herself in our bedroom and was talking to my mom, lying about how she was afraid for her and the kids and I had chased her in there and forced her to lock me out.

At that point it hit me that our marriage was over and that I needed to consider the kids. She ignored my requests to open the door and continued to try to provoke me by lying about what had happened. I collected myself and went back downstairs and checked on my son. He seemed a bit shaken so I talked with him for awhile and just told him I'd never leave him and that the hitting and yelling and name calling weren't going to happen any more.

My wife came down with her cell and told me if I'd calmed down enough that I could speak with my mother. I was absolutely stunned that she was so obviously posturing and painting a picture of a frail, sick wife hounded by her angry husband. My wife had never shown any type of behavior like this before, she use to be someone that i considered to be the most honest person i knew. I explained to my mom what really happened and over the next hour finally told her what had been happening over the last year or so. We live about a 6 hour drive away from my parents but they suspected something was up. We hadn't been home to see them in quite awhile (my wife has no relationship with her parents or family).

At this point it was late and I wasn't sure if I should call the police over her striking our son in the face and the destruction of the computer. I was (and still am) in such a fog I can't really think clearly. I don't know what to do at the moment but I made it clear to my mom that either way, the marriage was over… she recommended calling a lawyer this morning before I do anything.

After finally telling my mom what had been happening I realized how bad things really were. I'm trying not to be overwhelmed by the guilt of not having done something sooner or doing more to protect the kids. But I'm also worried as my wife has changed her mind and said she's not moving out until I get a psych evaluation. My biggest concern is that she's going to try to frame me as the angry psycho husband and take my daughter away. I keep telling myself that it's not likely as both kids openly admit they're scared of mom but I have this nagging doubt and have heard too many horror stories about husbands losing their kids. My son also told me he heard us arguing the night my wife hit me and described the whole thing in detail. He said he got out of bed and put his ear to the HVAC vent and heard her hit me and my stunned and repeated response of 'i can't believe you hit me'.

I know I'm not the perfect father or husband but I try really hard to improve every day and try not to quit on anything or anyone. I just can't believe that I'm sitting here typing this, knowing that I'll soon be an almost middle aged single father raising (hopefully) two kids on his own. I sincerely believed that I would never be someone who got a divorce. I naively believed divorces happened to other people that didn't try hard enough. I hope my wife realizes she needs help but I can let her hurt our kids any more.

I'm sorry Reddit, I have no one else to tell this to but i had to get it off my chest. Between this and the AMA no one knows more than you… It's almost 1AM but I'm going to wait to post this until Friday morning, I'm going to play a bit of Portal 2 to clear my head before I crash on the couch. I'd greatly appreciate any advice you can offer on how to cope, what I might do to help my kids cope and anything related to the coming divorce and what I can do to make sure I protect myself, the kids and get full custody.

Pre-post edit on what happened this morning: My wife was going to take the kids and leave due to my issues and actually called my family doctor and told them I was acting crazy and scaring her and the kids (not the case in any way shape or form). Told her I'd call the police if she tried to leave with them. She's also sending emails and texts to my parents and a co-worker of mine about how I'm bipolar and schizo and a big mess. To show I have nothing to hide, I agreed to go in and talk to my doctor and be evaluated this morning.

Took both kids with me, I was concerned my wife would take off with them. My son cried that he was missing school as he didn't want to stay home with her. He then said he wanted to stay away from me because mom told him I was sick. Explained to him that I was fine, just upset over what happened yesterday and just a bit tired... he was still bothered about my lost work and broken computer (more than the yelling and hitting). He couldn't believe how mad she was to do something like that.

Talked to the nurse (they put the kids in another room) and then talked to the doctor. She thinks i'm borderline depressed with everything i've been dealing with but is very concerned about the family overall. She discouraged me from escalating legally and involving the police for fear of making things worse but I told her that my biggest concern was for the kids well-being. I mentioned that when my wife started having seizures over a year ago things got a lot worse. I wasn't sure if it was the stress or the anti-seizure meds as my wife had never, ever acted like this before. I'm not sure what to do. My doctor wants my wife to come in and get checked out but I told her the biggest issue is that my wife refuses to admit any wrongdoing. She insists the problem is me and the kids stressing her out.

I contacted my boss and then HR (both were enormously supportive), I'm taking some FLMA time off to regroup. The woman in HR gave me her personal cell# and the name of several psychologists and SW's that she thought could help.

My wife came down to talk to me after we got home and seemed surprised I wasn't kept on a psych hold. I told her what the doc told me about being borderline depressed and wanting to see her which she ignored before starting to accuse me of being the problem again.

I don't see how we can stay married at this point, she thinks there's nothing wrong with her behavior. I'm going to start by making some phone calls and lawyering up.

Last point, my wife has completely changed her personality as of this morning. She gave our son a big hug, the first affection i've seen in almost two years. And when the kids and I were sitting at the table drawing he showed her his drawing and she commented how wonderful it was (instead of 'why are you wasting your time drawing fantasies like some freak') as per normal. He's very confused as to why mom's being nice all the sudden.

EDIT: It's 11PM and i'm spent. i'll be on a bit this weekend but plan on spending the day outside with the kids. Found a few more highly recommended lawyers to add to the list that i'll be contacting.

EDIT #2: Saturday morning... I think my wife spoke with a lawyer on Friday, she slipped while asking if I picked one out yet. I'm going to tell her I'm going to work Monday but instead go and speak with whoever I can.

EDIT #3: 11:14PM, was on and responded to a few... back to working on my documentation for Monday.

———

Update - Added by OOP to same post - 4 May 2011 (5 days later)

Complete roller coaster the last few days. wasn't going to fight for custody then she was. found out this morning that when she met with our family doctor on monday that she was given an ultimatum- go to family therapy or doc was calling CPS. I've asked 4 times and been denied 4 times, always with ridiculous excuses (no point, won't matter, they'll see how sick I really am [as in me, not her]). Left a message for the doctor about where we're at. She's got a lawyer and is meeting next week but I have two consultations in the next two days. And first thing I want to know is how to get her OUT. She's done some extremely hurtful things to our kids the last couple of days. She doesn't fucking care about them in the slightest. I'll post a full update in a new thread later. Too much shit has happend to keep adding here.

Comments

Do you think your wife even loves your kids?

>Our younger daughter maybe... but she rarely interacts with her. at best she'll take her on a short errand. as much as it pains me to write this... she hates our son. resents him in every way shape and form.

You need to take some concrete steps to move forward.

>I'm lawyering up and getting out asap. Just seeing the kids act more like themselves today while we were out getting lunch made me realize how bad it's been.

———

CLICK HERE FOR PART 2

Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Lobster6092

My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Original Post  Oct 5, 2025

I don't even understand why this is an issue, but the drama and the fallout is getting to me and I'm tired of hearing about it.

My (32M) younger brother Dave (31M) has a new girlfriend Rachael (30sF) My parents (54 M/F) already met her once, and they said they would take everyone out for dinner so she could meet the rest of us; myself and my older brother Steve (33M). We didn't go anywhere expensive, my parents just took us to Canadian Brewhouse. At first everything was fine but then it got weird when it came time for us to order. After Steve gave his order (mac and cheese) Rachael said 'but I was going to order that'. We were all confused because no one said Rachael couldn't also order the mac and cheese. Our server was confused too and told Rachael the kitchen wasn't sold out of mac and cheese. But Rachael said she needed another minute with the menu. She asked Steve twice before the server came back if he was sure about his order. She ended up ordering something different but for the rest of the night she kept talking about how she wanted to get the mac and cheese. It was really weird.

Dave is mad at Steve for not ordering something else to accommodate Rachael and at the rest of us for not "defending" her. I don't even know what he means by that. The rest of the dinner was so awkward because Rachael kept talking about wanting the mac and cheese. My parents picked the restaurant because Dave said Rachael had been there before and liked the food. It was so weird. My dad and I both ordered the same sandwich with the side salad and there was no problem with us eating the exact same thing even though Rachael asked us twice if one of us wanted to change our order. I honestly don't get what the issue was or why she was so upset about Steve for ordering the same thing she wanted. I know this is a small thing compared to some of the things that get posted here, but I am tired of Dave being upset and causing drama over this. He wants Steve to apologize to his girlfriend but (obviously) Steve says he didn't do anything wrong. I just needed to vent about how I'm sick of Dave making a big a deal about this and bothering me and everyone else about how hurt Rachael is. I don't even get why it was problem. Rachael gave no explanation and neither has Dave.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Successful_Bitch107

>Did anyone ask her why she didn’t order the Mac and cheese?

OOP

>>She just said it was because someone else already ordered it. She didn't elaborate or explain when asked. She was asked at least once to elaborate before the server returned to finish taking our orders. For the rest of the dinner the rest of us (minus Dave) kept changing the topic whenever she brought up the mac and cheese because it was so awkward. Dave won't give an explanation when anyone asks why this caused such a problem for Rachael, even if he gets asked why. I honestly have no idea why this became such a big issue. My dad and I both ordered the exact same meal and we are fine.

Update  May 11, 2026 (7 months later)

It's not a long or exciting story but the update is that I will no longer go to restaurants if Rachael is going to be there. She doesn't get upset if we're having dinner at someone's home and everyone is eating the same thing. My parents met her once before the incident in my first post. They made lasagna for dinner and Rachael didn't say a thing about everyone getting a piece of lasagna from the same pan. She ate it without complaining. Rachael only gets weird and upset if we're at a restaurant or getting takeout, not if it's a home cooked meal at someone's home.

After the first incident, the one I mentioned in my first post, Dave was insistent that Steve apologize to Rachael and make amends even though Steve didn't do anything wrong. Dave always defends Rachael when she acts weird about this. I get that you are supposed to be on the same team as whoever you're dating, but Dave refuses to see that Rachael is in the wrong and I'm not the only one who is tired of it.

The last straw for me was at my cousin's 16th birthday. Rachael got upset because my cousin ordered the meal that she wanted and she tried to get my cousin to change his mind. My aunt and my uncle were not happy and they really don't like Rachael now. No one knows what her problem is. She just says she doesn't like it when people order the same thing and won't explain more. She even asks other people who order the same meal if one of them wants to change their order (like when my dad and I ordered the same thing the first time we met her). At the restaurants where this happens (Canadian Brewhouse, Milestones etc.) everyone gets a separate meal. They are not the kind of places where you order food for the table and share. I don't understand why this bothers her so much but I just won't go to restaurants if she's there now because she makes such a big deal about and you can't even enjoy yourself. I'm not the only one who avoids her either.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Mapilean

>Rachael sounds exhausting.

OOP

>>She is. When Dave first started mentioning her, everyone was happy for him. Steve and I were excited because we both served in the armed forces and found out she did as well, and we thought we would have lots in common with her. But now all this has soured me on her. Steve can barely stand to be around her after how she and Dave acted.

~

mrs-peanut-butter

> Only thing I can imagine is that it’s some kind of OCD, but whatever it is, it’s her responsibility to manage. It’s absolutely wild that they won’t explain and just seem to expect you all to know what a grave sin Steve committed. > > Out of curiosity, did she react at all to you and your dad eating the same thing, at the restaurant? Like, keep glancing over or seem uncomfortable or anything?

OOP

>>Yes. She asked both of us if we were sure that we didn't want to order something else. Twice. She brought it up multiple times once the food came. She doesn't like it when anyone orders the same meal, even if it is other people. It is so bizarre.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

I (25F) recently got married to my (25M) husband in Bali, Indonesia in January. It was a destination wedding, but my parents and his parents paid for their own plane tickets and hotel, but we paid for our friends plane tickets and hotel stays. Each plane ticket was about $2000 USD and hotel was maybe about $150-300 for a week. My friend “Gemma” brought along her newly wed husband “John” along but paid for his plane ticket. The problem is that Gemma and John did not show up to my wedding. Gemma took the free plane ticket to Bali and the hotel room and when I asked her why she didn’t show up she said that since they couldn’t afford their own honeymoon that this was a perfect opportunity and that Jim decided that he didn’t feel like going. I was really hurt by this since Gemma and I have been friends for over 10 years. WIBTA if I took her to small claims court for the money I spent on the plane ticket and hotel?

UPDATE: I messaged Gemma per multiple comments advising me to invoice her for the plane ticket and hotel room, but I did something a little better. I wanted to get proof so if I had to go to court it would be easier to win. I messaged her this:

“Hey sorry for being so distant but I just wanted to talk to you about Bali. Im hurt that you didn’t show up to the ceremony. I pulled a lot of strings to ensure that you could come and then you didn’t show up. Did you think i paid for the trip just so you could honeymoon with John?”

She replied, “Ive missed you a lot and I know I the trip was for ur wedding but John didn’t want to go bc he felt like your wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being our honeymoon and that you’d understand.”

I replied, “no I don’t understand. You took advantage of me and that’s not what real friends do. So I’m sending invoicing you $2387.53 for the cost of the plane ticket and hotel room. I will give you 30 days and after that I will be taking legal action.”

I received no response but she’s been posting subliminal quotes on Instagram that are along the lines of entitled friends and having snakes in your life.

Thank you all for your verdicts and help.

Edit/Update part 2:

I didn’t think this could get worse, but here we are.

I didn’t respond to any of the subliminal messages she posted about me on social media and I’ve been very quiet while I’ve been getting my ducks in a row for the litigation.

But, this past Friday she sent me a 3 page audit of financial and emotional contributions from 2015-present.

I wish i was fucking joking.

The audits:

- She itemized every dinner or lunch we’ve ever ate together (she estimated $18 per meal).

- Gas money for driving to and from hangouts

- A birthday gift from 2017 that she now claims she went into debt for, time spent emotionally supporting me after my dad passed. She said she took on the role a grief counselor for me even though I talked to her on the phone about it once for 30 minutes.

- One time she helped me move apartments. She wants to be paid for her labor

- And emotional distress caused by me threatening litigation

Her grand total? $2,412.09 which is conveniently within $25 of what I invoiced her. She then told me that if we’re really keeping score that I actually owe her $24.56.

I think I stared at the document for 10 minutes in silence in shock from the audacity because this bitch is delusional.

To clarify: I never asked her to cook for me. While I was in college, she did pay for lunches BUT when I definitely returned the favor big time once I graduated. I bought her many gifts over the years, I’ve let her stay at my house several times when she and John argued, and I have also lended a shoulder for her to cry on when she had difficult times in life, but apparently being a friend is now billable? I decided to give the message a thumbs down because if I respond I will be extremely disrespectful with the anger I am facing. I cannot wait for these 30 days to be over because I will be suing the fuck out of her.

Final Update:

Sorry that I haven't updated in a while. I've been trying to get my ducks in a row before I proceeded with everything.

While doing that, I was going through photos from Bali and ended up on the Instagram page of a local photographer who took pictures of me and my husband during a sailing excursion we went on. I was scrolling through their page and looking at random groups when I saw a very familiar face. It was Gemma and a man. And it wasn't John. It was a man I had never seen before.

There were multiple photos. One where they were just sitting down with drinks, one with Gemma and the guy wrapping his arm around her, and one of them kissing.

That's when everything clicked. My wedding was the day after everyone landed, which is why I never saw her at all, not at the hotel, not around town, nothing. I just assumed that she was trying to lie low around town to avoid a confrontation with me. She didn't skip my wedding because John didn't feel like going or that my wedding ruined the illusion of the trip being their honeymoon. She skipped it because she wasn't there with John, but with another man.

After seeing this photo of her and her affair partner, I decided to do my own detective work. I went to her instagram page and tried to see if I could find the guys instagram page in her following list or follower list. Nada. I tried to see if any guy that remotely looked like him was in her likes or comments. Nope. I felt defeated until I remembered about Gemma's small pottery instagram account and boom I found him. Let's say his name is Ryan. Ryan had severals photos that were taken in Bali on his page. He even had a photo of himself in the hotel room that I paid for. I was beyond pissed and just wanted to get my money back and just be done with Gemma altogether.

On the day of our court date, I told my side, showed the judge the text messages, and explained that I paid for her trip so she could attend my wedding and she didn't show up. Gemma claimed that the trip was a gift for her new marriage and not contingent on attending.

I didn't even have to bring up the fact that she didn't bring John because the judge didn't buy Gemma's story. I was awarded the full amount back. Gemma walked out of the courtroom without even looking at me. I know she was pissed. And as expected.... she went straight to Instagram and this time, she didn't hold back at all.

She started posting about me on her story, calling me a bitch, saying that's why I've can't have kids, posting photos of me calling me fat, saying that she'll go spit on the grave of my dead grandmother. Just diabolical mean girl stuff. The last time she brought our drama to social media, I ignored it. But not this time. I know what I did next was stooping to her level, but I didn't care.

I posted the photo of her kissing Ryan on my story and tagged her AND John in it. I captioned it, "Sorry we missed you in Bali. Hope you had fun!"

Within minutes, she began spamming my phone. She was calling, texting, leaving voicemails, screaming at me. And before I blocked her on everything, I messaged her one last time. I said, "You should've just come to the wedding."

Dads of Reddit,
This is going to be a long one, so I really appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it and respond. Humanity invented Reddit specifically so exhausted parents could emotionally autopsy their relationships at 2 AM instead of sleeping. Remarkable species.

My girlfriend and I have a 5-month-old daughter, and we recently celebrated our 8-year anniversary. But since the baby was born, everything feels different.

I’ll get straight to the point: I really miss intimacy and sex.

Before the baby, we had sex around twice a week, and we both naturally initiated it. Now, if I don’t initiate anything, nothing happens. We currently have sex maybe once a month.

And honestly, I do understand why. My girlfriend is breastfeeding, our baby is pretty demanding, and nights are rough. The baby wakes up as many as 8 times a night to feed, and there are days when she cries a lot. She’s healthy and doing well, and there are also beautiful days where she wakes up smiling and laughs with us all day long.

Today I opened up to my girlfriend and told her how much I miss intimacy and sex. She said she misses it too, but that the baby drains all her energy and that everything is exhausting. I completely understand that, and I really try to make things easier for her however I can.

A week before her due date, I took time off work. When her water broke, we rushed to the hospital, and I stayed with her through the entire 14-hour labor. I stayed with her in the hospital for 5 days until we went home, and then I stayed home with her for the full 6 weeks afterward.

It’s been hard for me to bond with the baby because she’s very attached to her mom, but I’m trying my best and I do feel it’s slowly getting better. In the beginning, I used to get up with the baby at night and change her diapers. Later I started bathing her myself whenever needed, and now that we’ve started solids, I feed her too. Whenever I’m home, I help however I can.

At the same time, I work around 190 hours a month.

Since becoming a dad, I’ve noticed I’m constantly exhausted, I get irritated much more easily, and sometimes I lose my temper. I’m not proud of that. I know I’m not perfect, but I’m genuinely trying to provide for my family as best as I can.

When we talked this morning, she said things will get better and that we should focus on improving our intimacy. But I already feel kind of apathetic because this isn’t the first time we’ve talked about it.

The thing that hurt me the most was when I told her she last gave me a blowjob shortly after childbirth and nothing since then. She replied that I should just ask for it. But before, she used to do those things on her own, and if I have to ask, it feels mechanical to me, like the magic and desire are gone. Then she said I was being selfish for feeling this way.

Maybe she didn’t mean it badly, but that comment really stuck with me.

We also got our daughter used to sleeping in our bed so my girlfriend doesn’t have to get up as much during the night. She can just breastfeed and go back to sleep. Before the baby, we used to sleep naked together, but now she sleeps clothed. I still slept naked because, in my mind, it’s my child and at 5 months old she obviously has no awareness of that kind of thing.

Today my girlfriend told me it makes her uncomfortable that I sleep naked in the same bed as the baby. I told her I’d start wearing clothes because her comfort matters more to me than my own convenience.

We always wanted two kids, but right now it already feels like even one is overwhelming.

Does this get better? Does the relationship recover? I love both of them deeply. I don’t have nearly the same bond with my daughter that her mom has yet, but I hope that as she gets older, starts talking, and becomes more interactive, things will feel different and better.

I 17F am graduating next week.
Today i went to my school to get my graduation gown, and the invitations. Turns out they give out only 3 invitation cards, i asked about it and they told me they allow 3 people to come per graduate.

When i went home i told my mother 50F this, and she said that looks like her, my father 54M, and one brother 24M of mine will come. I asked “what about my aunt 45F” and she said that she’ll have to miss this one. I told her that if i had to choose between who’s coming between my father and aunt, i will choose my aunt. I never was close with my father, and he has always been hard to get along with. Im the one who paid for the graduation fee bc he is practically broke and cant take responsibility for his family, so yeah i just cant stand him. My aunt on the other hand is amazing, shes been to my other brothers grad ceremonies, and i dont want her to miss mine.
Anyway my mom told me that if i were to tell him not to come, then I'm wrong, but I don’t care, and i told her this. She told me to do whatever i wanted, but to not come to her after the fight shes sure is gonna happen between my father and I.

How can i go about handling this?

EDIT: My aunt has always made effort with me as a kid and till now to be my friend to listen, she also paid for some of exam fees and contributed to my education, and shes a mother figure to me other than my mom. My father was always distant with me as a kid, he was verbally abusive even yelled at me once during a panic attack. He always criticises anything i do, and i try my best to stay away from him so i dont get yelled at. He was also physically abusive to my brothers and i as kids. But stopped when we got older.

My brother and i are very close, and i also would like him to be there. He is a great big brother and i would put him above my father any day.

Im 17 not 18 sorry for the typo

I (23F) and my boyfriend (26M) have only been dating for a short time- 3 months. Everything has been perfect except for one thing I can’t get over. One of his best friends, Dee (27F) might be in love with him. For context, they met online through mutual friends and have only ever interacted over discord/text/call/facetime. They “hang out” every day. The reason I think she has a crush on him is because she gets jealous when he is hanging out with me.

Examples: she and him were going to watch a hockey game at my place over discord. I was going to be there but not really watching. She got mad and refused to watch the game if he was at my house. Another time, he and her and some other online friends (who he DOES know IRL) were watching a hockey game at my house. She didn’t know he was at my place until I spoke and said hi. She didn’t speak for the rest of the game and told him later that she was super upset about it.

I brought this up to him, and asked if she might be into him. He said maybe but he didn’t want to confront that. I asked if he had ever been into her and he said no- that she wasn’t his type. Of course I trust him but they are in pretty constant contact and somewhat verbally affectionate. I wouldn’t be so worried about it, but Dee is planning two trips to meet my boyfriend. One that’s just for him and one is the wedding of the friend they met through. I don’t think I’ll be at either visit, so I’m feeling nervous. I feel nervous that she will be flirtatious/touchy/overall into him. Why would she get so upset unless she was into him? I trust my boyfriend, but I still feel anxious about the situation.

Would it be overreacting to tell him how I feel even though we haven’t been dating for super long and they’ve been friends for years? Would I have any right in asking to come meet Dee despite the fact that she probably wouldn’t like that at all?

Throw away account for obvious reasons. So my dad 60M and my mom got a divorce around 3 years ago. Nothing big they just mutually felt like they feel out of love. My dad got straight into dating. After 19 years of marriage. My family thought it was off but we didn’t really care. That’s when my dad started talking about this girl Jessica. Jessica is not from where we live and apparently they met at a bar in another country. They ended up “dating” meaning texting a lot and going on vacations together. He also had another girl Sandy who he was seeing, who lived here. My dad saw sandy often and my dad specifically said that they weren’t exclusive to both girls. My dad ended up going on another vacation with Jessica and told Sandy about it. Sandy got mad and kinda dumped him? I am not sure. Jessica ended up wanting more and they ended up not working. Anyway that was his thing. He would go on vacations with these women and would have sex with them and come back acting like everything is normal. Most of these girls are not from where we are from. Anyway, this isn’t the biggest problem believe it or not. It’s the fact that these girls are young… not like 18 or under age at least I think. But Jessica was 27 and Sandy was 35. And my siblings and I found out of on “his girls” was 23. Keep in mind he is 60 years old… and my oldest sister is 26 years old. I find this really creepy and so does the rest of my family. But that’s all. We don’t do anything about it. My mom just said to my dad to stop telling us about them. I feel like this I really inappropriate, and whenever I try to voice these things to him he asks me if a 27 year old can think for themselves. Or that the 23 year old has two kids so she is mature… I think this is weird. He does support my family and I financially and is very nice. He isn’t a good dad but we still love him. It’s a hard situation for us as I just don’t know what to do anymore and we can’t cut him off as he is our financial support and he is in a big portion of our lives. I truly can’t imagine my life without my dad and I do love him but he is really really weird with these girls. What do I do? I am 15F and my dad would not take me seriously as I am a teenager. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated. Please be nice in the comments.

Edit: He does print pictures of these women and hang them up almost like trophies. My mom is printed even 3 years after the divorce too which makes it even weirder. He is also a diagnosed narcissist and sex addict. I think predator might be too extreme but I just think it’s a bit creepy.

I have a beautiful 5yo fixed female black cat that I got when she was five weeks old (Teddy Bear). She was rescued from a group of abandoned kittens on the street in New Orleans. I love Teddy more than anything but I was raised with dogs so I’m still learning about cat behavior. She hasn’t seen another cat since I adopted her (she hates going outside, even just on a patio or in her carrier) and I tried introducing her to my parents very docile poodle, but she was afraid of the size difference (85 lbs v. 9 lbs). She loves watching videos of other animals on TV but is very much play-stalking them.
I’ve worked remote in the past but I’ve just finished my first year of a grad program and will be working in an office over the summer. She seems content to be at home alone, but I certainly don’t have the same amount of time that I used to to play with her. She’s also seemed to calm down, but I’m not sure if that’s age or if she’s not enjoying being alone.
I’m thinking about adopting a kitten, but I don’t want to ruin my current dynamic with Teddy. She’s my absolute baby and was a happy only child for most of her life. However, the increase in my time away from home every day makes me think that she might become depressed. I will have time this summer to adopt and raise a kitten before the next school year starts, so is this a good idea? How do I go about introducing them? Am I just worrying too much and she’s actually fine?
Any advice would be appreciated.

CW CSAM and child abuse

I am a trans guy so He/Him pronouns but I understand if you make mistakes, thanks!

I posted in here a few months ago and wasn’t very stable and wasn’t ready at all to talk about it. I’m feeling worse today BUT I’m ready to talk about it and at least I understand what’s real and what isn’t because months ago I thought I might have been dreaming because of how big a sudden change I was experiencing and I was in shock. I’m sorry for my previous post. I’m posting in here specifically because I agree with oz’s opinion almost all the time so I feel like this community is probably nicer than others so if I’m going to post anywhere it’d be here.

I don’t really have anyone to talk to or vent to and I’ll try anything to stop feeling like this thats why I’m posting here.

Back on the 23rd of October I found CSAM on my (now ex) partner of 14 years phone. I can make an individual post about it but I don’t think I need to go into detail about that right now. I haven’t seen him since the 25th of October and that was from a distance and I was in a car with my 3 year old so there was no contact since I found what I found. So far there has been 2 court dates and another coming up in a couple weeks. I think I was in shock for the first 2 months, I was so sure I was going to wake up. After the first court date in December for a protection order which he agreed to I went through a 2 week depression. I think it was like I was accepting this is really happening or something. I think I did a really good job hiding it from my daughter, I did fall behind a little with dishes and laundry but nothing severe just bad for my standards, mostly it was just after she went to bed I’d sit down and be unable to do anything. Just sitting in silence and felt so weak and drained. Then I was fine! Back to being on top of things and organised. I kept myself distracted by doing a bunch of DIYs in the house.

The day before the second court date in February I got a call from a lawyer at the police station who told me I didn’t need to go to court at all from here on out unless I want to and she told me what their plans were and what they’re asking for. She tells me they want a protection order until my daughter turns 19!! I don’t know if this is common, I’m grateful they’re taking it seriously but also it terrifies me because it means they found something serious on his phone probably photos of her. So the feelings are conflicting, obviously if it were up to me he’d never be allowed to see her again so I’m glad about the length of time but like I said, it implies a lot. After that court date I went through a period of sadness that probably lasted around a week then I was back to my old self. My housing situation was up in the air because the house is in his name even though we built the house together. So I was preparing myself to have to abandon most of our possessions and move. Then one day about 2 weeks ago he sent me some money with the attached message that I can stay in the house permanently and he will still pay all the mortgage. I asked how much rent he wants he said none. I told him to stop sending me money then (he’d very recently started sending approximately $100 a week, he’d sent me $250 total since October) and he replied he was still going to send me money. Since that exchange I can not snap out of this sadness. I got everything I could have possibly asked for, the protection order, housing stability, my daughter is safe, I don’t have to consider rehoming my dogs. I’ve been obsessively focusing on “what ifs” and coincidences and honestly it’s helped a lot, things like if I would have broken up with him (things were pretty rocky) I would have never found the content and he would have some custody and alone time with her. There are a lot of very weird coincidences that happened that led me to finding that on his phone. So many things had to perfect aline for that to happen. A crazy domino effect of occurrences. So I know I’m in the best time line. Problem is, even though I know I SHOULD be feeling relieved all I feel is guilt like I feel like I destroyed his family’s life by finding the content, I feel guilty that this was happening in my house and I didn’t notice any red flags and now there is this fucking disgusting part of me that feels a little bad that I get to keep the house AND he’s sending me money. And the fucked up part is I KNOW it’s not my fault. I KNOW he’s letting us stay here because he feels guilty for what he did and he should and I’m glad he at least feels bad. I know all the feelings I’m having are completely irrational and invalid and that’s what’s so frustrating. I’m so angry that I even feel a little bad for him. I deserve to stay here, I designed the house, I paid for all the furniture, clothes, food, all the contents of the home except for a few things I paid for, yes he paid mortgage but I paid almost everything else. So it makes me so frustrated that there is a small part of me that feels bad. I love his mother but for months she’s been telling me how vulnerable and fragile he is and how he feels really bad about what he did. And I’ve felt NOTHING. She tells me he wants to send me money and it felt disgusting and I repeatedly turned down the offer because the thought of using his money felt disgusting. I keep saying don’t send me money, but personally if the money came through I would honestly be a bad parent to not keep it because it’s for my daughter at the end of the day as much as I don’t want it. The second I found that content he had died and was replaced in my mind by a monster. When I hear his name none of our entire history comes to mind at all. I instantly felt nothing for him. I felt anger sure, but mostly aimed at myself because there must have been SOME signs right?? I was so fucking careful. I hear predators are into kids eating fruit so I don’t let her eat fruit in public, I made sure she was always wearing socks or shoes because I don’t want creepers looking at her bare feet, I was always on high alert for anyone who gave a weird vibe for example. I’m less over protective now but the point I’m making is I tried so fucking hard to keep her safe and the person she needed protecting from was her own fucking father and I just feel sick. We were together since we were 17-18, I really thought I knew him and I just don’t know how I could ever trust anyone ever again you know? Now I just assume everyone has bad intentions because honestly how could I possibly feel otherwise? I just want to stop feeling so guilty it’s so frustrating I just need to get over this. Since getting the message about not having to move out, it’s like I’d never felt true sadness until now. I’m not myself anymore. I genuinely have ZERO energy. I feel like a zombie, I’m honestly on the verge of falling asleep CONSTANTLY. I’m days behind with dishes, I’m 4 days behind on my meal subscription so I’ll be throwing away a lot of food, I’m a couple days behind with laundry. There are toys EVERYWHERE. I haven’t vacuumed in a week. All the things I enjoy doing I have no interest in at all. I had 2 friends and an acquaintance. One friend told me back in November it was too triggering talking to me even though I wasn’t talking about the situation with him because I knew it was triggering but he said that just talking to me at all triggers him because he knew what I was going through so he needed a break from me. After months of no contact I just deleted him. My other friend has just started ignoring my messages so I guess she’s gone too. My acquaintance has seriously stepped up and been incredible to me, I now consider her my best friend of course, she even organised a surprise party for when my daughter turned 4, she rocked up with her and her sons in super hero costumes and had bought one for my daughter to change into, she had an expensive personalised avengers cake with matching balloons and a jumping castle (my daughter loves the avengers so the theme was perfect) I had no idea she planned it and it was the nicest thing anyone has done for me and that was the first and only time I have cried in this whole situation. I don’t know why but it’s like I’ve lost the ability to cry. I get that weird throat pain that happens right before crying where your voice cracks (I’m gonna sound crazy if I’m the only one that experiences that) that happens probably 3-5 times a day but I haven’t actually cried. Anyway… I should be celebrating right now but I feel the opposite. I need to get over this so I can be a parent again. All I want to do is sleep but I shouldn’t be tired. I feel so drained and zero energy or motivation and I can barely move I just need to get over this. I really just needed to vent and I’m hoping posting this helps me in some way and maybe someone has unfortunately experienced something similar and can tell me how I can get past this. Also if these court dates are going to keep being every 2 months I really can’t keep letting it get to me, I’m hoping I get desensitised to them.

I really quick want to say this and I really didn’t want to but I think it’s important only because I’m trans. Don’t let him being a cis guy and me being a trans guy change your opinion of him. This post isn’t about this it’s about my daughter so it feels selfish to add this which is why I didn’t want to say anything but along with the CSAM were messages of him calling me his wife and showing people pictures of how hot his wife was. I haven’t looked feminine since I was 17/18 so I know what pictures he would have been sending. Just wanted to add this incase anyone gave him any kind of kindness for being such a great guy for staying with a trans person 🙄 he never viewed me as a man, I always knew it and I ignored it. Anyway sorry for this paragraph I just felt it was important.

Also in the messages he had mostly deleted his sent messages which is why I can’t say for sure what he sent. The messages were like

“You have a wife? show me?”

*no response*

“Mmmm she’s hot”

So you could pretty easily understand what was sent if that makes sense?

TLDR: I found CSAM on my ex’s phone and now months later he messages me saying i can stay in the house and he’s also started sending me $100 a week that I didn’t ask for. I can’t help but feel this annoying part of me that feels guilty that he lost everything over this and I fucking hate that there is even a fraction of a percentage of my brain that feels anything like that for him because he deserves to lose everything and these thoughts are effecting me so much that I’m not functioning properly.