hi, new to reddit and desperately need help figuring out what to do about my new MIL.

we’ve had issues with her in the past, including but not limited to:

-her inquiring about our sexual activities to make sure we’re “making the right decisions” (about 5 months into our relationship)

-asking my husband, then bf, to not invite me to christmas with his family so they could have “one last hurrah” with only him even though i had already been part of the family for about a year at this point and had been at the previous christmas. she also cited the reason as to why i shouldn’t be there as me always being “done up” and she didn’t want to have to put makeup on on christmas morning…?

-when we got engaged she told a mutual friend of ours that she wasn’t happy and is having a hard time…at our engagement party. also wore all white.

-any time my husband tries to talk to her about things she redirects and starts crying about how apparently she’s not a good mother and how she just wants her feelings to be known. this is literally every time he talks to her about one of her inappropriate behaviors.

-yelled at me in a restaurant bc he grew his hair out. (she was going on and on about how bad his hair looked and after her partner, my husband, and myself trying to change the subject multiple times i said that it wasn’t nice to keep talking about it and she snapped at me that she’s his mother and she can talk about his hair if she wants to.)

we have tried grey rocking and low contact which works until holiday season or any other reason she needs to see him. when my husband is around her he returns as a different version of himself. i feel he is more agitated and less affectionate towards me. when he tells me about what they talk about it’s usually a guilt trip about how he doesn’t visit and how much she’s missed him, etc. and then a push for him to travel, get in shape, take our relationship slower, or to really consider what marriage is. (she is not married.) so it makes sense why he’s different when he gets home, but also makes me really sad and frustrated that every time he hangs out w his mom i have to pull him out of his shell again. admittedly, part of that could be bc he knows i don’t like them hanging out so he’s afraid of what i’ll say. he’s a sweet guy and doesn’t want to make anyone upset. i feel as his partner our relationship should take precedence. i think he feels like he’s abandoned his mom bc of how she spins it to him.

we’ve done no contact once after our engagement and it was great for a while until she started sending texts, dms on instagram, and calling late at night. the texts and dms were mostly fine saying that she loves him but also that he’s his own person and she knows that. then she would send his dad to talk to him about marriage (also never been married) and started posting stuff on fb about estrangement. again, not the worst things and she wasn’t posting tons of stuff but previously she had never posted so it kind of spooked us.

after a few months the no contact was lifted and they started texting and chatting on the phone here and there.

but once we were about 3 months out to the wedding things really calmed down. we thought that our time apart had worked and she seemed to be thriving in her church group and with new friends! we were honestly so relieved and even hopeful that she was finally accepting our marriage. she was so helpful during wedding prep and even gave me a gift at the rehearsal dinner (a trinket dish that had writing about me being her new daughter) and told me she loved me. there were things to worry about but she was not one of them and i personally was so relieved.

the wedding was beautiful, our friends and family were so supportive and happy for us, i couldn’t have asked for a better way to ring in our marriage! as the night winded down MIL and FIL said their goodbyes and as she was walking away she yelled for us to have fun but “no babies!” (which is a common theme as she has always been against us having children even though we have both been very open and excited about having our own soon enough) to which i yelled back “how do you know we aren’t already pregnant!?” she yelled “what!?” and i laughed and said “gotcha!” my husband and i both laughed and that was that. or so i thought.

when we returned from our honeymoon my best friend informed me of some things that were happening behind the scenes wedding weekend.
these events were then confirmed by the bridesmaid it happened with, another bridesmaid that saw it happen, my best friend (also a bridesmaid) that heard the account directly after the incident and the best man who also had an incident with MIL (told him she wished she was his mom bc he still lives at home. to which he replied that he would leave if he had a reason to, she kept pushing that she liked that he lived at home and he just said okay and moved out of the room. this was also during the wedding.)

at the rehearsal dinner, MIL greeted the bridesmaid (who has known my husband since HS and has since become a close friend of mine too!) and said that she needed to talk to her but when BM said they could chat now MIL said that she couldn’t bc she would cry. BM said she’d be here all weekend so to text her or come find her later. that was that.

BM then avoided her as much as possible as she didn’t want to be involved in any drama. however when MIL was leaving, she and MIL chatted. i don’t quite remember specifics but the gist was that MIL was not happy about us getting married. that she wanted my husband to travel more, like BM does and how they should get lunch together to talk more bc BM needs to “set him straight.” also there was some talk about how i don’t allow him to see her and that she hasn’t seen her son in 3 months. which is not true, but we have been busy with wedding prep so neither of us has had much of a social life as we did our wedding on a budget and DIY’d everything.

the morning after, BM had an insta dm from MIL saying, amongst other things, she hoped she hadn’t said too much and to please keep it between them and “i hope he is happy that’s all that matters” then sent her phone number. BM responded saying that the wedding was beautiful and it was good to see MIL. MIL read but didn’t respond.

as of now MIL doesn’t know we know what she did and we don’t know how to move forward. i’m enraged and my husband is extremely disappointed and sad. it’s looking like full no contact is the answer but i know that would really hurt my husband since she raised him and they have always been really close.

i’m trying not to go nuclear but can only think of handling this in a rude way. i’d love for her to be in our lives bc she can be cool and fun to be around when she’s not busy trying to break us up. i feel backed into a corner bc my husband doesn’t want to make a decision and im afraid if i make the no contact call that he will secretly hate me for it. we’ve talked about it extensively recently and throughout our relationship and he is supportive of no contact but it makes him really sad and i hate seeing him this way. it makes me feel like maybe im not doing the right thing.

so if you have any advice or have gone through the same thing would you please share? i think it would help to know what we’re getting ourselves into. sorry for the long post but thank you for reading. please help!!

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Spunky_Munkey97

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest & r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 13, 2025

• Update 1: January 20, 2025

• Update 2: January 30, 2025

• Final Update: August 12, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

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Main Post

^(January 13, 2025)

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My sister cheated on her fiancé and then left her kids all because she wanted “a break”, and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Buckle up because this is a LOT but I’m really bothered by this and need to just vent because I can NOT believe this has happened.

My (27f) sister (22f) has two beautiful kids. One is 3 and the other is 14 months. When my sister had her oldest daughter, she suffered from PPD, but with support she was able to come out of it. She didn’t really bond with the kid much after though, occasionally she would do fun things with her but it was very rare. Shortly after, I had my son, and I was OVER THE MOON, I’ve never loved something as much as I love my kids ( I now have 2 as well).

When she found out she was pregnant with her 2nd, she didn’t get as excited as she did with the first but as the pregnancy progressed, she was getting more excited.

Fast forward to the second kid being born. She didn’t show any signs of PPD, but she bonded with the second kid way more than she did with the first. I’m not sure if it was because she was exclusively breastfeeding or what but definitely had a better bond with this one. She would get more irritated with the first born ( who was only 2 at the time) and just more distant with her.

Her youngest starting showing some health issues ( nothing super serious, some food allergies and skin issues) and that seemed to just utterly defeat my sister. All of the family, and her fiancé were very encouraging and tried to help her see the bright side, find recipes for the daughter etc. but she didn’t seem like she was interested in any of it. She started to distance herself from both kids now, only doing the bare minimum.

Now, we just found out that my sister had been emotionally cheating on her fiancé, who is the definition of a literal golden retriever partner lol he loves his kids and my sister and took very good care of all 3 of them. He would only ever push my sister to do better and never in a mean way. Anything they needed, he provided for them while my sister got to be a SAHM.

Two days ago, she broke things off with the fiance and had this complete stranger come get her from another state ( she has never met him, and only been FT or playing on Xbox for about a month). All because she said she “had no emotion and needed a break”.

She left with the guy, and I’m not supposed to know any of this. I’m distraught for my nieces and my brother in law ( or I guess not my brother in law anymore?). I don’t understand how a mother could leave her kids, go out of town with someone she didn’t know, without a care in the world. I love my kids and I couldn’t do that to them…

Part of me wonders if it’s PPD, or maybe a manic episode? I genuinely don’t know. I’ve also learned some other things about how she’s been recently that just make me think I never really knew who my sister was, and that’s heartbreaking because she was my best friend. I can not condone that behavior.. my brother in law is filing for emergency custody, but I hope she doesn’t try to take those kids from him because she doesn’t deserve them. They deserve stability and she’s clearly not stable. Ugh.

 

COMMENTS

shesavillain > Why do you keep saying you’re not supposed to know any of this? > > OOP >> My brother in law told me and doesn’t want my sister to know I know until he files court paperwork just in case she tries anything since they’re not married >> >> GilgameDistance >>> If this is the reason, BIL is wise - please listen to him and let his lawyers work out custody. It sounds like the best thing for those kids is for him to have sole, full custody. Please help him get that. >>> >>> OOP >>>> I plan on it >> >> NatNatTh3CatMom >>> We really need to know how old is BIL >>> >>> OOP >>>> He’s 22

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Maatable > What kind of "support" did your sister receive when she was going through PPD? Her behavior for thr last two years has been troubling, this escalation especially so. Your sister needs professional help desperately. > > OOP >> She saw a therapist for a few weeks but quit going. We would come over, help with chores, cook, babysit so she could take a shower or a nap or even so she could go out with her fiance.

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honorthecrones (downvoted) > He never was your brother in law. Why did they never marry? > > OOP >> They were going to have an October wedding this year. My sister didn’t want to just go to the court house, she wanted a ceremony and everything so they were saving for that.

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peppermintvalet > “He would only ever push my sister to do better and not in a mean way” > > Can you elaborate on this? > > OOP >> If she wasn’t pulling her weight with house stuff, he would just have an adult conversation with her and then help her do whatever was needed to do. For example, he works from 8-7pm, and would come home and the dishes from the previous night were not done or any laundry etc. So he would talk to her about it and then they would do it together. Or if she was depressed and wanted to just lay in bed all day, he would do something like make her favorite breakfast and encourage her to get up even if it wasn’t easy.

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oboejoe92 > Possibly Borderline Personality Disorder? > > She could be “monkey branching” as I have heard it called before- essentially always having her arm stretched out to the next branch (metaphorically speaking) looking for that next bit of validation, excitement, dopamine hit, whatever. “Swinging” from one thing/person to the next. > > First it was her partner, then child one, then child two, now random dude. > > OOP >> She was diagnosed with that when she was younger, was medicated for a long time and when she turned 18, she took herself off of her medicine. She said she was feeling better off the meds so we all just assumed she was okay. That was our error, but her choice to be off of her medication.

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oneofthesenights23 > Why did nobody get her real help? Encouraging her to see the bright side isn’t help. She is so young to have 2 babies and ppd sounds like she needs real help if running away is easier than dealing with her life. Did she see a therapist after her first pregnancy? > > OOP >> Yes she did for a few weeks, and then she quit going and I guess she just masked that everything was fine

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YakElectronic6713 > Why does your sister have two kids at the age of 22, when it is so obvious she doesn't enjoy being a mother? Has the Golden Retriever pressured her into having children? > > OOP >> Not at all, they planned the first one and then the second was a surprise. They weren’t really being careful, my sister was on BC but didn’t take it like she was supposed to ( would miss days etc)

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Wh33lh68s3 > That's some fucking Bullshit that you can't say anything to her about abandoning her children!!! > > Make sure that the abandonment is well documented so that when the father of the children sues for full custody of the children it will be easier for him to do so... > > Updateme > > OOP >> Yeah he wants all of the court bs situated first and then I fully plan on losing my shit. I’ll probably also just send the link to the post so when she tries to say I’m judging her or whatever then she can see that I’m not alone in thinking she sucks. Mental health issues, I could sympathize with as I am type 1 bipolar. But even still, she should be able to be an adult and communicate that she needs help, and not cheat on a really good man and then abandon her kids…. >> >> Also a few people have said to update them when I can, and I plan to! But I’m newer to Reddit so I’m not sure how to do like a mass update lol

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Update - 1 in the Main post - after 7 days

^(January 20, 2025)

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Since some of you have asked, I’ll update on the little bit of info we have. So my BIL changed phone plans, and did not include her on his new bill. She called him and asked him why he didn’t put her on it…. Like she genuinely didn’t understand that he is not going to be paying for her things anymore.

She told him that she isn’t going to fight him and that he can have full custody of the kids. And that she still wants to be able to call and visit when she feels like it. The guy she ran off with, just lost his car BECAUSE HE SIGNED DIVORCE PAPERS RIGHT BEFORE HE LEFT TO GET MY SISTER. And his ex took the car because it was in her name lol karma is beautiful. She also told my BIL that she plans on moving back with the new guy so they can be close to her kids…

I don’t get her logic in any of this really. Also, people have asked so some answers here!

• BIL is 22

• my sister asked my BIL not to tell us ( my mom and I) because she did not want us to get in the way of her being able to see her kids or to “judge her”. ( too late). My BIL doesn’t want her to know we know until after all of the court stuff is finalized.

• he’s doing okay, him and his mom are actually going to be moving a little closer to our family, so we can all help out with the kids. It takes a village and he’s definitely got one.

• since my sister being out of the picture for a week now, the youngest kid has taken her first steps and the oldest seems genuinely happier.

I’m coming from a much less angry place. I still can not stand that she did this, and I am cutting contact with her. My partner and I are supporting my BIL as much as we can with two kids of our own. This whole situation has been insane. I’ll update more if anything else happens. Thank you to everyone who gave advice and didn’t judge me venting. Once this all isn’t so fresh I’m going to show BIL the thread and let him see that it was not his fault.

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Update 2 - after 17 days (after 10 days from last post)

^(January 30, 2025)

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Update! My sister cheated on her Fiance and then left her kids all because she wanted a break and I’m not supposed to say anything to her.

Okay so I have a few updates to this absolute insanity of a situation.

First, I posted the first update as an edit to the original post. Since then, my sister called my mom, and asked her for any legal contacts so she “looks like she has her shit together”. My mom told her no, and that she isn’t going to help her because she abandoned her children. My sister is still convinced that she did not abandon them.

She yelled at my mom stating that she hasn’t left them and that she’s only 3 hours away and calls to talk to them every night….. she doesn’t. She has called a few times but not every day. She’s still planning on moving back home with this new guy so she can be closer to the kids but I’m pretty sure my BIL is only going to allow her to have supervised visits since she has made comments about just taking the kids and how she should have done that from the start, her best friend suggested it.

When my mom tried to reason with her and ask her why she didn’t just come her, her response was “I just want to be on my own”. Which I find ironic because she hasn’t been on her own ever and she’s still not on her own. She is still mooching off of another guy with a job and she still doesn’t have a job, a license, or her GED. ( we have all offered to help her get those things but she has no drive to actually do it). BIL and his mom are moving closer to me and my parents so we can all help each other and hopefully make things easier on BIL as he tries to be a single dad with two toddlers.

BIL is in much better spirits. He was upset until my sister called him, while she was naked, and asked him for money and then she proceeded to put on the other guys hoodie and walk around the house until he could see the other guy in the background. My BIL said at that point, he knew he was never getting her back and didn’t want her back and he’s doing much better. He has good days and bad days but the good are outweighing the bad. The kids are actually thriving without my sister there too. My sister would “parent” by just turning on tv and letting them do whatever, but BIL is much more involved with them as is his mom.

If anything else crazy happens, I’ll post another update but for now I think we are just waiting for all of the long term court paperwork to be submitted. He got emergency custody and it was filed that she abandoned them and fled the state.

Thank you to everyone who has let me vent and given some good advice. This has definitely been a rollercoaster.

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Final Update - After 1 year, 7 months

^(August 12, 2026)

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Final Update in the BORU comments

Hi guys! So I’m OP! Thought I would post another update as I was reminded of this post through a comment! So I hope you have your popcorn 😅

So my sister and the Xbox guy are still together and to put it simply, he sucks. He’s a raging narcissist and has a pretty explosive temper for someone who is almost 30.

They moved back to the same state as us, and lived with my mom and step dad for a little bit with the understanding that she was to get her life together. They never paid rent, they didn’t clean, and their room constantly smelled like B.O and sex. It was disgusting. When my parents addressed the issues, the Xbox guy said that he “doesn’t do dishes, instead he just throws them away” and that “if he doesn’t cook then he shouldn’t have to do dishes”. My sister and him would get into some pretty nasty arguments where he would name call and get in her face. For reference, my sister is 5’3 and he’s 6’5.

They ended up getting kicked out of my mom’s house when they refused to help financially or physically around the house. They wouldn’t even buy groceries except like maybe $50 every other month and my sister would need rides to work and not compensate for gas. My parents are not well off, they pay their bills and have very little extra financially to do anything else, so when paying for two extra adults, they were drowning.

They now live in a camper, that they bought with the Xbox guys divorce money but he put it in my sisters name only because he didn’t want to get a license and register it in his name just in case the courts came after him for not paying child support to his child who hasn’t even turned a year at this point ( I think he’s about to or just turned one, but they don’t see him so I’m not entirely sure, I’m pretty disconnected from that.)

Their relationship is sad but honestly she did it to herself. He’s put his hands on her, locked her in the bathroom and told her to figure out how to get out, spit in her face, etc. He doesn’t want her to work because “he’s very religious and believes in the traditional ways of life and that’s the woman stays home and he provides” meanwhile they barely pay their bills and he makes like $15 an hour which is not really anything in this economy especially him paying child support.

A few months ago she was going to leave him, because he got abusive and we honestly still don’t know the extent of it. But she ended up staying, and when I asked her why stay with this POS, her words verbatim to me were “ well you know how it is, when you’re with a narcissist, you know you’re the victim but you just can’t leave because they do have good qualities and it’s not bad ALL the time”. I was in a mentally abusive relationship but got myself out of it and I’m THRIVING so I don’t actually “know how it is”.

So she stays at home all day, getting high and just waits for him to come home. She doesn’t come to family gatherings because we all can’t stand him due to our own personal experiences with him and he hates to see independent women who won’t bow down to his stupid ass.

As for the kiddos and ex fiancé. He moved to another state with the girls where he has family support. They are very well taken care of, he works two jobs to support them and his mom and grandma helps watch them for him. Apparently she talks to them on FaceTime but not every day and the ex now knows about the abuse from the Xbox guy because she decided to call him crying for help and had him listen to how Xbox guy was talking to her during an argument. So I highly doubt that their dad will allow this POS to be around the girls. He even offered to drive the 12 hours to come get her and bring her back to their state so she could get away from him and be with the girls. He has said he will probably always have love for my sister but he knows they’re not a good match.

I talk to her maybe twice a month, because even though I don’t like her choices, I do care for my sister and my conversations are basically life checks at this point. Apparently she’s starting a job this week, because Xbox guy asked for help with bills. We will see how long this lasts.

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Illustrious_Elk_2356

Published on: r/Marriage

Story is: NO FURTHER UPDATES (OOP deleted the account)

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 03, 2026

• Update: August 06, 2026

• Final Update: Comments: August 08, 2026

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Main Post

^(August 03, 2026)

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I found out about my wife's affair through her lover's wife

I'll try to keep this as short as possible.

My wife and I are both in our early 40s. We have been together since university and have been married for almost 15 years. We have two teenage children. We both have well paying jobs, we take family vacations regularly, we have an active intimate life and as far as I knew, we didn't have any major problems. From the outside, we looked like a very happy family.

On Friday, a woman slightly younger than me came to my workplace. I had never seen her before. She introduced herself, told me her name, who her husband was and then said that her husband had been having an affair with my wife. She then showed me everything.

Photos, messages, call logs...everything. She told me she had started suspecting an affair back in early June after her husband received suspicious late night messages that had no visible chat history. She began digging and eventually discovered thousands of calls and messages exchanged between him and my wife over the past year.

She confided in her father, who immediately contacted several people, including a lawyer and after a month they managed to uncover everything including who is her husband's mistress...

We live about five hours apart, but our spouses work for the same multinational company. Over the past 14 months, they have been having sex during business trips. It happened on four separate trips that lasted around five days each, plus two shorter two day trips. You do the math.

She was incredibly calm. Honestly, almost cold. She told me she had wanted to contact me much earlier but wasn't sure I would believe her, so she wanted to present all the evidence in person when she was in my city. She also openly admitted that a big reason for telling me was revenge against my wife.

She plans to file for divorce today or tomorrow. According to her, everything is already prepared and she can no longer pretend everything is fine because she can't even stand to touch her husband anymore. Apparently, her husband noticed she had been acting differently lately and started panicking that she maybe found out something. He warned my wife, who also started panicking.

To be honest, until then I hadn't noticed anything unusual. My wife seemed completely normal. But now I do notice she is constantly around me, asking me questions, paying close attention whenever I talk with someone and on Friday she kept asking why I was home so late. From everything I read, it is obvious neither of them ever intended to leave their marriages. They both repeatedly said how happy they were with their lives.

The messages contain everything imaginable: comparing their spouses in bed, my wife mocking the other wife, planning vacations together, giving each other parenting advice... Honestly, it made me feel sick.

The other betrayed spouse told me she will notify the company they both work for once her lawyer gives her permission. She also intends to tell their children the complete truth after her husband is served with divorce papers. She wished me luck and said I could contact her anytime if I needed anything. We have stayed in touch and the last thing she told me was that she would file today or tomorrow at the latest. My wife's phone is completely clean and I used it in front of her and she seemed normal.

I'm completely knocked down. I'm trying to act like everything is normal and pretend I'm just stressed because of work, but it is incredibly difficult. I honestly don't know what to do. My heart tells me one thing, my head tells me another. As twisted as it sounds, it is somehow easier knowing this affair seems to have been driven by pure sex rather than love.

At the moment, I do plan to divorce, but there are so many practical issues. We have two houses, cars, investments, teenage children... I need time to come up with a plan of my own. The other wife doesn't want to wait because she simply can't bear being around her husband anymore. Where we live, infidelity has absolutely no impact on divorce proceedings. That means I'm almost certainly going to lose a significant portion of my assets if everything is split 50/50.

My wife cares deeply about her reputation and is highly respected in our community and her parents would be so much disgusted by her if they know the truth. Part of me thinks I might be able to negotiate a fair settlement by agreeing not to expose the affair publicly, especially since I have been the primary breadwinner throughout our entire relationship.

On the other hand, I'm carrying so much anger and resentment right now that I want to tell the whole world what she did. And despite everything... I still love her.

Has anyone been through something similar? What would you recommend my next steps should be?

 

COMMENTS

Why didn't you confront your wife immediately?

> That is the plan. I'm not going to confront my wife until I have at least spoken to a lawyer, which I hope to do within the next 24 hours. My biggest problem is that I barely have any time to process what has happened, let alone get everything in order. > > I asked the other wife to give me just a few more days, but she told me her female lawyer is strongly advising her to file for divorce immediately, start the legal process as soon as possible and tell their children who are about the same age as ours the truth so she can maintain as much control over the divorce as possible and achieve the best outcome. > > On top of that, she simply can't stand being around her husband anymore. I understand her, and I'm grateful that she told me the truth because I honestly don't think I would have ever discovered any of this on my own. I just wish she had told me a few days earlier.

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Were you able to find another lawyer after the other wife's lawyer couldn't represent you?

> I spoke directly with her lawyer. There is a potential conflict of interest, so she won't be able to represent me, even though the idea seemed great in theory. However, she gave me the contact information for one of her female colleagues and recommended that I reach out to her instead. We have already been in touch and we have a meeting scheduled for later today.

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What do you know about the other wife's plans and why is she moving so quickly? Did the other wife give you all the evidence she found?

> As the other wife told me, she expects that both of them will lose their jobs after she talked with her lawyer. > > I asked her whether that was really a smart decision considering child support and alimony, but she told me that she doesn't care about that. Her plan is to sell whatever assets she is awarded, move back to her hometown with the children and that she already has support from her father there who will help her fully. > > Her only goal right now is for her husband to face maximum consequences for what he did and for her to get away from him as quickly as possible. > > Yes, I have everything.

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Are you certain the evidence really shows your wife was having the affair?

> I'm not sure what you mean by saying that I don't have evidence and that she might be setting me up. I have pictures of the two of them together, call and message records from my wife's phone number, and messages that match the timing of those calls and conversations. > > I also have a large number of WhatsApp messages and calls, again from my wife's number. In those messages, she mentions me, our life together, and our children. It is clearly her. There is no one else it could be. > > As soon as the other wife realized what was happening, she did everything she could to uncover the full truth. She knows the hotel room where he stayed on the last trip, which restaurants they went to, she has pictures of them together and much more. She spent a month preparing all of this, and the only thing left is for her to tell him that she knows everything.

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Was there really nothing suspicious on your wife's phone?

> Yes, it is completely clean. I honestly haven't checked her screen time, but her messages and call history are clean. There is nothing suspicious there. > > I have always had access to her phone. She has had the same passcode the entire time and she has never acted uncomfortable or protective about me using it not before and not now. To be honest, I rarely ever used her phone anyway. Usually it was just to call someone if my own phone wasn't nearby so maybe that is why she is super chill.

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How were your wife's affair messages and communications hidden?

> Everything the other wife showed me indicates that they communicated through regular text messages and WhatsApp. That is my wife's phone number, so it doesn't appear that she was using another phone. However, one thing I found strange is that in the WhatsApp screenshots of their conversations, the profile picture isn't visible. > > I checked my wife's WhatsApp settings because I thought maybe she had changed the privacy settings so that everyone except her lover could see her profile picture, but that wasn't the case. So that part is a little unclear to me. > > It is possible that she blocked him at the moment when the other wife was collecting additional evidence, but the phone number is the same. They don't follow each other on Instagram, and she hasn't shown me anything suggesting they communicated there. I honestly haven't checked email. > > I checked her contacts, and everything looks normal. His number isn't saved in her phone. I don't know whether she deleted and blocked him now that she is panicking. What I do know is that, according to the other wife, the last time they were in contact was early last week.

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Are you considering reconciliation?

> I strongly believe reconciliation is not going to happen. I have spent a lot of time thinking about everything this weekend. I have barely slept, maybe only a few hours, and it'l is extremely hard for me to process that she was capable of doing this. > > The fact that she showed absolutely no signs that she was cheating makes it even worse for me. It makes me feel like she is a psychopath. > > And reading those messages where she compared me and him in bed, where she joked about how at home she was the caring housewife and mother but on business trips she was his dirty girl... has honestly disgusted me in a way I don't know if I can ever get past. This is how I feel right now, but we'll see how I feel in a few weeks.

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What happened after the other wife filed for divorce?

> She filed for divorce today. Where we live, the divorce petition isn't served immediately. It usually takes one to two weeks to reach the other spouse by mail. However, she told me she is going to make him leave the house as soon as she files so that is today. > > Right now, both of our spouses are at work in their cities, so I have no idea what is going to happen once they get home. I'm expecting some kind of update from her later before I come home which will be few hours after my wife comes. She also told me that she won't mention anything about me or my wife when she confronts him.

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Why doesn't the other wife seem concerned about her husband's loss of income?

> She doesn't work and is currently at home with the children, while her husband earns a lot and is at least two positions above my wife professionally. > > Her lawyer gave her permission to inform his company because, even if he loses his job, once he finds new employment he will still be required to pay child support. > > From what I have been able to understand through my conversations with her, her father is very serious person, so her financial future is not really a concern. At this point, she simply wants him to face consequences for what he did. That is her main focus, and she doesn't seem to care about anything else.

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Update - after 3 days

^(August 06, 2026)

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Should the children be told about my wife's affair?

If anyone is interested in what happened, you can read my previous post for the full story.

In short, my wife's affair partner's wife filed for divorce. He threw every excuse imaginable at her in an attempt to save the marriage. He said he got carried away and couldn't stop, that it was only sex, that he loves his wife, that my wife was attractive but his own wife is even more attractive, that he would do anything to fix things, that he would never speak to my wife again, that there would be no more business trips and so on.

None of it mattered to her. She made him leave the house. At first he refused, but when she threatened to tell everyone at work what he had done, he finally left. She kept me updated throughout. When I got home, I immediately noticed my wife was acting very differently extremely nervous and on the verge of tears. On Tuesday evening she confessed everything.

By that point, I had already met with my lawyer and yesterday second time although I haven't told my wife that. My lawyer asked me to hold off without telling anything to my wife for a few more days while she prepares everything. She believes I have a strong claim to roughly an additional 20% of the equity in our house because part of the purchase price came from money my parents gave me. She also mentioned several issues involving investments and stock holdings that need to be reviewed and could go in my favour before we move forward.

The one issue where we disagree is the children. My lawyer believes I should tell them the truth. My children are 15 and 13 years old. They are very close to both me and my wife. They are happy, healthy kids. My goal isn't to protect my wife's reputation. My concern is protecting my children from additional emotional pain. However, my lawyer believes I'm making a mistake.

Her argument is that we have always appeared to have a happy marriage and a stable family, so a sudden divorce with no explanation would be incredibly confusing and painful for the children. The other wife intends to report the affair to the company where both my wife and her affair partner work. Both her lawyer and my lawyer believe there is a good chance they will both lose their jobs, especially since the affair partner held a position about two levels above my wife.

My lawyer believes that if I proceed with the divorce and my wife loses her job, my children will inevitably connect the dots. She thinks they will eventually realize what happened anyway and resent me for hiding the truth from them. She also raised the issue of the financial settlement. She believes my wife may be more willing to agree to a more favorable division of assets could help repair her relationship with the children.

Likewise, if I ultimately decide not to divorce, my lawyer believes I could negotiate a very strong postnuptial agreement because my wife would be desperate to rebuild trust with both me and the children. She also believes that if I don't tell the children the truth, they might end up blaming me for the divorce and that my wife could portray herself as the victim.

At first, I wasn't convinced by my lawyer's reasoning. She is relatively young and doesn't have children herself, so I struggled to understand her perspective. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder if she might be right. The other wife told her children everything. They are around the same age as mine and they haven't spoken to their father for the past few days but according to her they are fine.

My children don't know anything yet. I'm trying my best to stay composed, but they have clearly noticed that something is wrong especially with their mother, who is now sleeping in a different room. I would really appreciate any advice. Does what my lawyer is suggesting make sense or would you handle this differently?

 

COMMENTS

What had the children already noticed about what was happening? Why won’t your wife tell the children what happened?

>They have definitely noticed that something is wrong. My son asked me what was going on, why my wife was sleeping in a different room, what was wrong with her and why she had been crying. > >I just told him that we had an argument. So it is obvious that they know something is happening. > >There is no chance she will tell them on her own. As soon as she confessed, she immediately begged me not to tell the children because she believes they would hate her for the rest of their lives. She then started doing what I mentioned before...offering everything possible for another chance. > >No. She doesn't want to tell them anything. In her mind, I will just eventually move past this, give her another chance and she will do whatever it takes for us to be happy again. Honestly, I feel like she is completely disconnected from reality right now.

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What exactly did your wife say when she confessed?

>She confessed. She talked for about 15 minutes. I listened to her. She said she knew I was aware of what happened. She said she could feel it and that her affair partner had also told her that he had been kicked out of the house and that I probably knew everything. > >Honestly, I do believe her when she says she sensed it because I couldn't completely hide my emotions or act totally normal sincr Friday. > >After she finished saying what she needed to say, she asked me to tell her something. The only thing I said was that I needed her to leave me alone and change beds. Since then, we haven't really had any communication, except that she sends me messages during the day and, like I mentioned, once the children go to sleep she comes to my door asking if we can talk.

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What is she saying when she asks for another chance?

>About the second chance. She is trying to explain to me that she was living two different lives. One that was a fantasy without children and another one that she says she loves 100 times more, with me and the kids. > >She says that she knows she wasn't normal, that she needs psychological help and that she will do whatever it takes to get another chance. But honestly, I don't want to listen to any of that crap right now.

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What would genuine remorse look like to you?

>It depends on what you consider remorseful. For me, being remorseful is not crying and sending me long messages about how much she loves me or offering me every possible thing she can do. > >For me, remorse would be her taking action on her own. For example, telling the children what she did. Seeking professional help. Admitting it to her parents, who would be devastated and angry with her. Offering me certain additional assets in the event of a divorce. Paying for a polygraph herself to at least try to ease my mind that this wasn't something that happened before. > >It would mean her voluntarily telling the children that she is willing to do paternity testing if that would help me have peace of mind. Taking an STD test. Immediately resigning from her job and finding another one. Telling her sister and her sister's husband what she did. I need actions from her so that I can truly say she is remorseful. > >Her tears and begging me to listen to her are not going to help. Her saying she will do everything I mentioned also doesn't help right now. > >I need her to actually do something on her own so I can say she is remorseful. For the last 48 hours, she has just been staying in the room and crying and asking me to talk.

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What did you find in the messages between your wife and her affair partner?

>I honestly don't know what to say. I read all the messages that the other wife gave me and to me it almost seemed like they were both under the influence of something. The conversations were so disconnected and all over the place. They also weren't talking every single day. There were weeks without any message. Most of their communication happened before business trips, mainly discussing sex. And the most disturbing part of all is that they were giving each other advice about our children and our spouses.

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Was there anything actually wrong with your marriage or sex life?

>I agree with you. No, we never watched pornography. But it is obvious that she was looking for something else. Something she felt she got from her affair partner that she didn't get from me. But that is what makes this so confusing. > >Like I said, we had an active sex life. She never rejected me and I never rejected her. Of course, there were times when we were both tired, but neither of us ever turned the other down for three or four days in a row. > >She never complained or told me that anything was missing. If anything, after we had sex we would usually talk, laugh and enjoy being together. That is why all of this has been so incredibly hard to process. I feel like the biggest fool in the world and like the most pathetic man in the world.

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Are you actually planning to divorce, or are you considering staying?

>I’ll be honest, I’m leaning toward divorce at around 90%. That is one of the reasons I’m considering telling the children. I want to understand their reaction and how they feel about everything. > >My biggest wish right now is that they are able to finish school normally and then go on to university and pursue the path they want. At this moment, the last thing I want is to touch my wife. That is how I feel right now, but I don’t know how I’ll feel in 10 days, two months, or later down the road. > >My lawyer told me she has handled many cases where mostly husbands initially wanted a divorce but changed their minds, especially because of the children. She said that if I decide to stay, I should consider creating a postnuptial agreement that would strongly protect my interests. > >Then, once the children leave for university, if I still haven’t been able to forgive my wife and move forward, I could choose to divorce and start a new chapter of my life with someone else.

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Why have you stayed in contact with the other wife?

>Why would I stop talking to the wife? She has told her father, her brothers and of course her children, but she doesn't like talking to them about this because they all keep telling her that things will get better and she hates hearing that and they are calling her all the time and she wants peace. > >I haven't really told anyone. So, at the moment, she is my only source of support. She gave me all the evidence, opened my eyes to what was happening and she is the only person who truly understands what I'm going through because we are both living through the same nightmare. And she likes to talk with me as well. I don't understand what is the problem seriously. > >I'm sorry, but this is literally insane. If I have to explain to my wife that she needs to cut off all contact with her affair partner just to have a 1% chance of us staying together, then I would be the biggest doormat imaginable. > >It doesn't grant them any licence to continue talking. If she wants to be with him, she is free to go. No one is stopping her. She has complete freedom to make that choice. His wife has already filed for divorce and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore, so he will be a single man soon enough. > >And how does me talking to his wife somehow give them permission to keep talking to each other? That makes no sense. If it weren't for her, I probably never would have found out about the affair. > >No, I'm going to stay in contact with her for as long as I want. I'll support her just as she has supported me and I'll be grateful to her for the rest of my life for opening my eyes to what was happening. > >If she decides she doesn't want to talk anymore, that is completely fine. I won't bother her. But right now, she does want to talk to me and she is genuinely interested in knowing everything that is happening on my end. Whether that bothers my wife or not honestly doesn't concern me at all.

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What finally made you decide to tell the children?

>I have decided that I'm going to tell my children. Last night, before going to bed, I had a brief conversation with the other wife and she told me how everything went with her children. According to her, they are extremely angry with their father, but they are still laughing, spending time with their friends and otherwise functioning normally. > >I don't believe she is lying to me because, up to this point, she has been completely honest with me and that is the reason I even found myself in this situation. I don't know why everyone assumes that if I tell my children, I'm going to tell them every explicit detail. I'm not. I'm simply going to tell them that their mother had an affair and that I have hired a lawyer. > >My lawyer advised me to have the conversation with the children without my wife present so that she can't influence them emotionally with tears or interrupt the discussion. She told me that I should answer every question they have myself, not let my wife answer for me and if necessary, show them some evidence such as the messages my wife sent me apologizing and asking for another chance. > >Only after that does my lawyer recommend that the children speak with their mother and ideally I should not be present during that conversation. This is her advice based on her experience handling divorce and family law cases. > >I don't know exactly when I'll have the conversation, but it will sometime over the weekend or maybe even today.

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What ultimately convinced you that hiding the affair from the children would be worse?

> Yes, that is exactly what she told me as well. She said she has handled many divorce cases and that one of the biggest mistakes parents make is assuming that their children shouldn't know anything. > >According to her, the biggest mistake is often made by husbands who believe they have to carry the burden alone, keep the affair a secret and protect the children by hiding the truth. > >She told me that, in many cases, the children eventually become angry with their fathers for never telling them the truth. Instead of protecting the relationship, it often results in the children ending up with strained relationships with both parents. > >No matter what, somehow I end up being blamed. For what? To protect her? Or to protect them?They are not stupid. Over the last few hours, I have had conversations through texts with my son because he's looking for answers. And now I'm supposed to lie to his face. > >From the way he talks to me, it already seems like he thinks I have done something wrong. Four or five days ago, I saw this very differently. But not anymore. I've made up my mind. I will listen to my lawyer and I'm going to tell them. They don't need to know every detail, but they will know that their mother had an affair.

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Final Update - after 5 days (after 2 days from last post)

^(August 08, 2026)

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Final Update: Should the children be told about my wife's affair?

I’ll post an update here so people don’t need to keep commenting and giving me advice about whether I should tell the children or not. Yesterday afternoon, I told them. Just the three of us. Obviously, they were shocked. They had a lot of questions and demanded that I not lie to them. They wanted to know absolutely everything. Where, when, who, the affair partner’s name, his wife’s name, what they look like, the messages, etc. I didn’t tell them everything, but I did tell them the basic details like where it happened, when it happened and why, according to my wife.

I thought my son would be extremely angry and my daughter would be very emotional, but the opposite actually happened. My son was very calm and told me that he had already suspected something like this, so he was mentally prepared. He just thought that I had done something wrong. Hearing that obviously made me even more relieved that I had told them. My daughter, on the other hand, was absolutely furious with my wife and for the first time I heard her use some very harsh language.

They asked me about the divorce and I told them that, for now, that is my plan. They took that very hard, but we are taking it day by day. I brought them home and then left so they could talk to their mother privately. Everything I'm about to say is based solely on what the children told me because I neither saw nor heard any of it myself, but according to them, they yelled at her for a long time.

My son contacted her parents and told them what had happened. He said he had already called them in the previous few days asking what was going on and they apparently didn't know. What I find very strange is that they never called me afterward to ask what was happening.

Anyway, her parents immediately told her to come stay with them and the children told her to leave the house. I spoke with her parents. They are absolutely devastated. They can't believe what happened and are worried about how this will affect her, but also the children.

They asked me about the divorce. I told them that was the plan and I immediately realized that I probably shouldn't have said that because they will obviously pass that information on to her. But I wasn't exactly in the best mental state at the time. I haven't seen her. She left before I got home. From what I can tell, she only took a small amount of clothing and that is it.

She hasn't contacted me at all since last night. No calls, no messages. She did call our daughter, but our daughter refused to answer. That is basically it. Honestly, I feel much better and I'm glad I told them.

The idea that my children might blame me for her affair and for the possible divorce was something I could never accept. A huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. It is also much easier now that I don't have to pretend in front of the children that everything is fine. Obviously, they are taking this very hard. They are extremely angry with their mother and are saying things like they'll never speak to her again, which is understandable at this point.

Some people have been messaging me saying that she betrayed only me and not the children, but I don't agree with that. How did she not betray them when she betrayed their father and their family? That way of thinking makes no sense to me. Thankfully, there is no school right now, so they have time to process everything and spend their time however they want.

It is very important to them that nobody finds out about this because they are embarrassed and worried about what their friends might say. I promised them that nobody would know except my lawyer and that I wouldn't even tell my best friend. My lawyer is happy with how I handled things. She said she'll need until Tuesday to gather information and investigate everything regarding the assets and then we'll have a meeting at her office.

The other wife has also been informed. She is extremely happy. She isn't even hiding how pleased she is that my wife's world has fallen apart. She is planning to contact the company next week and inform them about the affair involving her husband and my wife.

I'm a little confused about why she is waiting and how exactly she plans to do it, although she told me she knows her husband's supervisor. I'm also not sure what her plan is if that person tells her that nobody is going to be fired. She keeps saying that she has everything under control and knows exactly what she is doing, but she doesn't tell me the details.

Maybe she doesn't trust me enough to share everything. I don't know. Either way, she is moving forward with huge steps while I'm still in complete shock. That is it for now. You don't need to give me any more advice. I have read practically every comment and thank you all for the support.

 

COMMENTS

FSmertz > As my earlier comment predicted, your daughter will hate your STBX wife for a long time, a very long time. If she watched even a small amount of Disney stuff and other fairy tales that inculcate "living happily forever" values for romantic relationships--especially for girls, then she feels betrayed in her heart. > > Speak with a highly recommended therapist experienced with family infidelity impacts, and see if therapy for the three of you or individual therapy, or both, is recommended. Also ask about timing. > > I'm surprised that the OBS's attorney is letting her contact the company directly. Perhaps the attorney will be Plan B. A letter from an attorney to the employer highlighting facts and questioning use of company resources for adultery will not be ignored--especially if it's a publicly held corporation. It's far cleaner and cheaper for the employer to fire these two. > > I'd be very neutral with your communications with your STBX wife. Logistics and financial responsibilities and all that maintenance talk. > > Do you think she will get together with her AP out of emotional desperation in the coming week? > > OOP >> Honestly, I don't believe she will stay in contact with the AP. That is my opinion, but then again, I also thought we had a great marriage and look what I found out. I spoke with her parents this afternoon and they told me that she is completely devastated. When our daughter refused to answer her call, she apparently turned her phone off. I don't know whether she has turned it back on since, but she hasn't called me or the children and honestly, none of us wants to hear from her right now anyway. >> >> As for the other wife, I don't know exactly what her plan is. What she told me is that she knows her husband's supervisor. I asked her how close they are and she said she knows him very well. He is one of the key people at that branch. >> >> I asked her what would happen if he decided not to do anything and she told me not to worry because she has another plan and will accomplish what she has set out to do. Her lawyer has given her full support, but I don't know whether she is actually involved in any of this. I don't have those details and the other wife isn't telling me anything about it. >> >> That is why the whole thing seems a little strange to me, especially because she has apparently been waiting all week to tell anyone, despite supposedly knowing her husband's supervisor personally. In any case, she has repeated to me that getting her husband fired is the only thing she wants, along with my wife being fired as well. She says she doesn't care about the consequences because money isn't an issue for her since she comes from a wealthy family and has full support from her father. >> >> Her only goal is revenge and to move back to her hometown with the children as quickly as possible. Apparently, her husband's loss of employment is a key part of what needs to happen for the court to approve the relocation of her and the children.

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

(M24) Men who hate women piss me the fuck off men who actively pursue women, want girlfriends, want sex with women and then talk about women like they’re an inferior fucking species. I was telling my friend about my girl. She’s gorgeous, interesting, and obsessed with French history, Baroque art, Versailles, historical fashion, all that stuff. She got me into it because she talks about it with so much excitement that I wanted to understand what she loves. She wants to do historical cosplay with me, and I WANT to do it with her. I want to know what we’re portraying. I want to actually have conversations about it with her. And she gets ridiculously happy when I recognize something she’s shown me. Apparently this is humiliating for a man.

My friend goes, “Bro, you’re seriously gonna let a woman have you on a leash?”

A LEASH??? Because I developed an interest in something my girlfriend loves? Then he starts with, “You seriously think FEMALES have loyalty? Respect? They don’t think like us. They’re below us etc etc…”

And at that point I genuinely asked, “Dude… are you maybe into men?” Not as an insult. I was confused. Because you’ve spent the last ten minutes explaining that you don’t respect women, don’t trust women, don’t enjoy their company and apparently consider treating a woman like an intellectual equal degrading. He gets offended: “What the fuck? No, I’m not gay. I don’t wanna fuck a man. Okay. So you want to fuck women. And THAT is when it clicked for me. You’re sexually attracted to women. You don’t actually like women. You want access to a woman’s body, but everything that makes her an actual person her thoughts, interests, independence, personality, opinions you either dismiss or actively resent. That’s why me enjoying my girlfriend’s interests looks like “being on a leash” to you. Because you fundamentally cannot imagine interacting with a woman unless somebody is dominating somebody else. That’s miserable. My girlfriend isn’t my subordinate. She’s someone I actually LIKE. I enjoy hearing her talk. I enjoy watching her get excited. Sometimes I get into her interests sometimes she gets into mine. That’s not submission. That’s basic fucking human connection i don’t understand wanting women so desperately while treating actually liking women as people like some kind of weakness. And sometimes i wonder those these men even have mother’s? And do they love them? I was raised by my mom and 3 sisters, i love them and not even once in my life I thought that about them, or any woman.

I wanted to talk about something that has changed how comfortable I feel in this community rather than just keeping it to myself.

I’ve really enjoyed being a small part of this community and watching the streams. (I know I’m not that close with any of you, so I’m not under any false impression that I’d be some big loss here.) But it has been a place I came to relax, laugh, and interact with people, which is why what happened the other night affected me as much as it did.

I criticized an OP for using the terms “high functioning/low functioning” and said they were saying it like a Nazi (because those terms are derived from Nazi Germany), and I should have just explained why I felt those terms were wrong to use instead of stating it that way, and I’m willing to acknowledge that. However, my underlying concern about those terms being reductive and harmful to autistic people was genuine.

What ultimately bothered me most wasn’t that people disagreed with me. It was that when I raised the concern, the response was to dismiss it as unimportant, tell me there were “bigger things to worry about,” call what I was saying “woke Karenism,” and laugh at me.

I don’t expect everyone here to agree with me about everything or coddle me, and I certainly don’t think I’m the ultimate authority on these issues. What I do expect from communities I participate in is a willingness to listen when someone raises a concern about language that affects a marginalized group, rather than immediately treating the person raising it as ridiculous for caring. Some of you were supportive and listened, but a lot of you, including Sarby, didn’t.

I’ve spent a lot of my life feeling like I have to swallow things that genuinely bother me in order to keep the peace or avoid being “too much.” I don’t want to keep doing that. I also don’t want to pretend that I’m completely comfortable here when I’m not.

I’m not posting this to restart the argument. I just wanted to speak honestly about where I’m at. This community has mattered to me, and that’s why I’m bothered that this interaction changed how I feel being here.

I’m not making some dramatic goodbye post or saying I’ll definitely never watch the streams again. I might continue to pop into lives now and then. But I’m very uncomfortable and disappointed with the way this was handled and with the attitude that concerns about language around neurodivergent people simply aren’t important enough to take seriously.

I don’t expect everyone to change their minds because I’m uncomfortable. I just don’t want to feel like I have to hide that discomfort or pretend everything is fine in order to belong here.

I wish everyone well, and I hope we can move forward with a little more thoughtfulness and respect for each other and for neurodivergent people.

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/s/iq8p3dEDYa

Hello everyone, thank you for all the kind words and advice. I have an update for you all but please try to keep Islamophobia out of the comments, they got banned last time because there was a lot of misinformation and unkind words, and I would like to make it clear that I don’t blame my potential roommate for her beliefs and that I have nothing against her being Muslim.

After talking to my best friend about it, she said she would be willing to move with me, that she told her parents, and that they help us move. I wasn’t thrilled that she told them without asking but they didn’t seem to have an issue with me being trans so thats one less thing to worry about.

After talking to her, I sent an email to the apartment manager yesterday, explaining the situation, including that I had no idea the building was supposed to be all-female, that I didn't intentionally hide anything, and that I was willing to consider moving if it would help resolve the situation. I also explained that moving would be a huge inconvenience for me and my roommate since we've lived there for a year, have all of our belongings there, and our names are on the utilities, meanwhile the other girls haven’t moved in yet. But I also said that I understand that we have more options than she does since she can’t live in any of the co-ed apartments, so I would be willing to make the change if there weren’t any additional costs for us.

She apologized that my roommate had shared my information and specifically told me that the complex has had “several residents that have transitioned while living at our properties” and that being transgender is “not something you have to hide from us.”
She then explained that there aren't currently any other apartments at our property available anyway, so she would rather have me and my roommate stay at our current apartment.

She told me, essentially, that if the new roommates aren't comfortable living with me, they will need to figure out another housing arrangement. They can either continue their leases or assign their leases to someone else, and she said she would do her best to keep us informed about who they might assign their leases to if they choose that option.

So, thankfully, I'm not being forced to move. My roommate and I are staying, and management is working with the other roommates to figure out what they want to do.

There is one part of her response that I'm curious about, though, and I'd love to hear what other people think. She said “I apologize they are not being more open minded.” That wording stood out to me a bit?Because I had been told previously the issue was with her living with a man, not a trans person, but the phrasing makes it sound like she may have made some unsavory comments to the manager. I tend to overthink these things so I could be reading into it too much, but if she did, at least it worked out in my favor because now the manager is on my side.

I'm very relieved with how management handled this, especially after how awful I felt when I first got that phone call. I'm still upset that my private information was shared with management and apparently with my roommate's parents without my consent, but I'm really grateful that management has been so understanding and that I get to stay in my home.

I texted the girl yesterday as well after hearing back from management, because I ultimately decided I wanted to explain how I felt, because I don't want there to be unnecessary hostility between us.

I told her that I understand she has religious beliefs that affect who she's comfortable living with, that I don't expect her to change those beliefs, and that I'm not upset with her simply for being uncomfortable with the living situation.

What I am upset about is that my transgender status was shared with management and apparently with her parents after I disclosed it privately. I explained that my gender identity is extremely personal to me, and that this is actually a major reason I hadn't told her sooner.
When the leases were originally being signed, I wasn't even out to my best friend yet. I had only met these roommates very briefly, months before they were supposed to move in, and I wasn't at a point where I felt comfortable disclosing something that personal to people I barely knew. I also had no idea that the apartment was supposed to be designated female-only, so I had no reason to think my gender identity would be relevant to the housing arrangement.

I told her that I don't think transgender people should be expected to disclose something as personal as their gender identity to every prospective roommate months before moving in simply in case someone might have a religious objection to it. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone by not saying something I wasn't ready to disclose. I was just making a personal decision about when I felt comfortable coming out.

I also told her that I understand this situation has put her in an uncomfortable position, and that I don't want to invalidate her religious beliefs. At the same time, I hope she can understand that being put in a position where I thought I might have to leave the home I've already been living in for a year was incredibly upsetting for me.

I also let her know I genuinely hoped she could find a living situation she’s comfortable with and that I wish her the best.

So yeah, it’s unclear who my roommates will be this year but at least I know where I’ll be living.

And on a minor note, thank you to the people who reached out to let me know my post was shared on a lolcow site and a transphobic Facebook group. That sucks but at least it gave me a chance to go through my post history and delete anything that could get me doxxed.

I’ll keep you guys updated if anything else happens, the manager said she’d get back to me Thursday when she’s back in the office

Take care

-me

I’m literally devastated, and I have no idea what to do.

Not even an hour ago I sent a text to the two new roommates me and my best friend are supposed to live with this year, letting them know I’m trans and that I wanted to warn them before they moved in. They’ve met us one time earlier, but that was for like three seconds, months ago before summer. My transition has gotten more obvious since then now that I’m ten months on T, so I didn’t think keeping it a secret was an option. They never replied, and I assumed they just hadn’t read it yet.

Then, I got a phone call from our apartment manager. I thought maybe something had gone wrong with my rent payment because my debit card was hacked earlier this week, but no, she said she got a call from one of my roommates about a text I sent. Apparently, our building is supposed to be an all female building, which I wasn’t aware of, and it’s against her religion to live with a man. At least that’s how it was phrased, but maybe it’s trans people in general she has an issue with, or both.

My manager asked if I would be open to moving, and I was like, “I mean… no? I was planning on living there until graduation?” And all my stuff has been there since last year. She was pretty apologetic, but said that they’ve never encountered this situation before, and the only apartments left are co-ed so the other girl can’t live somewhere else either.

I know I should have told them before they signed the lease but I never thought this would happen. The reason I didn’t tell them is because I was still in the closet to my best friend at the time and I didn’t want to out myself when I didn’t think it was anyone else’s business. If I had known we lived in an all female apartment or that her religion might make it an issue, I would’ve said something I swear.

The apartment manager said she isn’t sure what to do but that she’ll probably have to contact an attorney and get back to me. I’ve never felt so humiliated and guilty in my entire life. I didn’t text them anything about it after the phone call, and I don’t know what I would say if I did. I don’t want to move. If I’m not with my best friend I don’t know if I’ll be able to live without at least one person I can trust. My name is the one on all the utilities, the furniture is mostly mine, I really can’t believe this is happening.

Edit: here’s the link to the texts since she replied

https://www.reddit.com/r/comingout/s/0KxJ6bmjBW

Might be a long post but I just need advice/reassurance. Trigger warning, there is a brief mention about an attempt, but nothing graphic. I’ve changed all of the names of the people along with a couple identifying things in messages, as to protect everyone’s privacy.

So for backstory, my best friend Alex (M 21,) and I (NB 21,) have know each other since last April. He moved into the house our mutual friend and I lived in. I would hang out with him during all of my free time, we had been there for each other through abusive relationships, break ups, lost jobs, and getting kicked out last September (not to our own fault, our friend we were living with moved to be with her bf in another state.) After he moved to a relative’s place and I moved back in with my mom, I spent almost every night at his house, we had plans to move back out together, and that was that. Since about September, he’s gone through four jobs, has no savings, has no license, and still has to save up for a major surgery (that his insurance won’t cover) along with the recovery period. Our goal was to have the first/last month of rent plus the security deposit saved for each of us to fall back on when we moved (we were hoping by this October.) We are very close, he’s even asked me to be his queer platonic partner, and we regularly have intimate interactions between just the two of us and with others joining us. We have very similar hobbies and interests, but he hasn’t been a great friend to me. He’s ditched me in the middle of the night for guys off grinder, borrowed so much money from me without paying it back (but spends literally every penny he has on things he doesn’t need like bar outfits and exotic fish), and he does this weird thing where he’ll be super off and distant with me for a few days/weeks and then starts to spam me when I make plans with other people and expects me to drop them for him. We haven’t had a super healthy relationship, but I have bpd, he is (was) my favorite person, I’m working on it.

Also in September, I began dating my current partner, Zach (22 M.) We will have been together for a year in about a month, and we’ve gotten pretty serious. We have a puppy together, I’ve been staying with him at his mom’s for a few months, often have conversations about future plans together, and want to move out together and possibly getting engaged after we’ve lived together for a year. We’re in a poly relationship, date/are intimate with people together and separately, and have a very healthy relationship. He’s a great communicator, is emotionally intelligent, very financially stable, has a great job that he’s recently been promoted at, and is genuinely one of the most caring individuals I’ve ever met. I have a menagerie of mental health issues, including bpd, bipolar 1, cptsd, and a laundry list of others that I’m not currently medicated for, (I also lost my insurance a few months ago,) and he has been an absolute godsend in helping me regulate and manage my symptoms. I love him so much, we’ve been getting more serious, as we had been together for almost 9 months when this all took place.

So on Thursday, June 4th, I called Alex on my way from hanging out with him and broke the news to him. I was planning on telling him in person while we were hanging out, but I really struggle with face to face confrontation and chickened out. I basically told him what I wrote above: that Zack and I were getting more serious and we’ve been talking about moving out together next spring. At first, he took it really well, said that he understood and he could find another friend to move with. However the next day, (Friday, June 5th,) when Zach and I showed up to a bar that the three of us and some other friends were supposed to meet up at, Alex almost immediately left. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, and shut his phone off. I called and messaged him multiple times to make sure he made it home safe, but no answer. Saturday the 5th, he messaged me saying he was ok, but didn’t say much else to me. On Sunday (the 7th) he messaged me on Snapchat. I don’t have screenshots because I obviously don’t want him to see that I’ve taken them, so I’ve copied and pasted the conversation below:

Him: “I'm scared that (Zach) is gonna take all of our time away from each other. I already feel as if he took my only option for a roomate. That's one of the reasons as to why I left early from the bar. I couldn't handle it. I'm trying my hardest to be happy for you, but I don't think I can be and I feel horrible because of it. I've been trying my hardest to hold back my feelings about the whole situation but it's driving me crazy, because I feel like the only way I can sit and let it happen is by avoiding you guys altogether. Which I know isn't healthy or good for either of us.”

Me: “(Alex,) I’m so sorry I had no idea. I’ve been so torn about everything because I don’t want anything to change between us, please tell me what I can do to keep that from happening. I know (Zach) has his things but he’s been really good for me and the stage of life I’m in. The way you’re feeling is completely valid and I’m so sorry that I put you in this position. I don’t expect you to feel any sort of way for me. I just want you to know that you’re my best friend and I love you so much. I’ll do just about anything I can do to make things right.”

Him: “I know and I could have mentioned something sooner but I chose to hold off because it was really hard for me to process. I'm glad that (Zach) is a good fit for you and I see that, but (I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life AT ALL) I still think it's kind of soon for engagement and WAY too soon for you guys to be living together while engaged. Y'all are moving quicker than a pair of U-Haul lesbians, lol. I think the thing that has affected me the most is that we had definitive plans to move in together and those plans changed and I don't have much of a choice but to find someone else to live with since I don't see myself comfortably living with (Zach.) I think I'm struggling to be happy for you because your mutual actions and the ways he's treated me before are both concerning me. I just have anxiety for you from my own expirences and seeing my friends get baby trapped by men that don't show their true colors until they know that you're stuck with them. I want to be positive about things, but there's just always that chance that something could go wrong and then I lose you like I lost (Lauren) and (Patrick.)”

Me: “And I understand that, it’s just that I really need to get out and be independent asap. I know you have a job now but you still need to get (*specific surgery*) done before you move and you aren’t going to have any way of earning or saving anything for at least a few months. You also need a mode of transportation before you find somewhere to live that isn’t your (*relative’s house*), so saving for a deposit, first and last month’s rent, and enough for a car is going to take more time than I think I have left at my mom’s. I love you and I’m really not trying to be selfish at all in making these decisions but things are a lot worse here than I’ve let on and it’s getting to the point where I’m overstaying my welcome as is. I don’t want to abandon you and I can’t lose you i just don’t know how to handle this.”

Him: “It’s ok, we’ll talk more about it tomorrow.”

The next day, 1:50 am:
Him: “I love you and I'm sorry because this is so much, but I'm genuinely at my breaking point and rationally, this is the only thing that may get me the help I need right this second. I love you and I promise not to die, but I think I'm gonna go ahead and put myself into the hospital tonight.”

Shortly after sending that last message to me, he decided he was going to take an entire bottle of his anxiety medication at once in front of his mom. He was taken to the hospital, and was in mental hospitals for a week and a half. After getting out, he’s since found a new roommate, had their entire apartment paid for them outright by his relative, and they moved an hour and a half away. He’s already lost his first job and is considering requesting a mental health leave not even a week into his current one, so I feel validated in my decision to not move with him.

BUT, two of our mutual friends (Jackie, 22 F and Sarah, 21 F) have recently decided to cut me off. Jackie stopped talking to me first, and when I asked Alex if he knew anything about it, he said that she just thought I had beef with her and was giving her dirty looks at the bar we frequent. I texted and messaged her on snap explaining how I value her friendship, how I have no beef with her whatsoever, and if I’ve ever given her a dirty look, it was probably because I was intoxicated and trying to figure out who she was from across the bar (I have a really bad rbf, so I can understand why someone would think I was angry with them.) I was left on read on both platforms. About a week and a half later, Sarah decided to unadd me on Snapchat. I messaged her, and to no avail, so I asked Alex if he knew anything about it. He said he knew it had something to do with me and Zach but that was about all he knew.

Fast forward to last Friday, when I asked another mutual friend if she knew anything about the situation, and she basically said “Well it’s not my business and I really don’t want to get mixed up in anything, but it’s basically because of the moving situation and your relationship with Zach.” So now it’s my opinion that Alex has been talking shit about me behind my back to our friends and has then been trying to save face with me so he can feel like the good guy in the situation. I’m really hurt and upset about the whole thing, but most importantly that he lied to my face about knowing the truth of the matter the whole time. I want to talk to him about it and get his side of the story, but I’m wondering if it’s even worth it anymore. I don’t feel like a priority in our friendship, I’ve constantly bent over backwards for him, and I just don’t feel like I’ve ever gotten anything in reciprocation for the duration of our friendship. What should I do? WIBTA if I confronted him about it, or should I just drop it and distance myself? I appreciate any advice or constructive criticism anyone is willing to give, I genuinely feel so lost and broken up over all of this.

UPDATE:

Literally minutes after posting, Alex called me to ask me to move an hour and a half away from my partner, family, dog, place of work, and friends to help HIM get to work. Apparently he and his roommate are struggling to transport him to work (even though his roommate has a car and a job that allows them to build their own schedule) and they offered to have me stay in his room, let me eat for free, and “live there for free until I get a job.” I told them to give me the night to think about it and that I’d message them about it tomorrow. They asked me if I had any questions, and I told them that my main concern was being away from my partner and dog, and the fact that my dog’s care relies on the schedules Zach and I have at our jobs. Alex’s roommate responded with “well we can’t have another pet in the house, so you’d have to figure that out.” I told them that was my point and that I didn’t know how I felt about leaving my dog and partner behind. The way he had the audacity to ask me of such a HUGE favor after everything that’s happened the last few months is just so baffling to me. I’m genuinely so hurt and upset about all of this, he was my best friend and I would’ve done almost anything for him. I feel used and like I’ve just been led on this entire time. I’m going to tell him how I feel about everything in the morning, I just need to collect my thoughts in the most precise way possible. Wish me luck.

For context my now ex boyfriend and I started dating when I (female) was 16 1/2 and he had just turned 18.

There was more than a handful of things that occurred in the 8 years that we were dating but here are just a few so that you can get a picture of what our relationship looked like. Don’t get me wrong we had amazing moments but at some point the bad moments started happening way more often than the good ones.

4 months into our relationship I was getting ready to take my SAT. The night before he had let me know him and his roommates were going to have a movie night with another group of roommates around the corner (the other group of roommates was all girls). He still proceeded to promise he would call me before my test to wish me good luck and help me calm my nerves. The next morning comes and I don’t receive any messages or calls. I begin to get concerned so I call and still no response. For your SAT you have to give them your phone so you have no access to it all day. Once i got my phone back I proceeded to see a message that he lost his phone in the covers and didn’t see it until later in the day. I got disappointed but somehow I found out he had shared the twin dorm bed with one of the girl roommates. I was so upset because I knew he would never be okay with me doing the same thing. Nor did I think that it was okay.
Yes, this should have been my first red flag but i was 17 and stupid…
I let him know after that that i did not feel comfortable with him talking to that roommate friend because I thought that there was a chance they actually did something. He did not care…

About a year after that he moved to a different apartment on campus with different roommates. On this specific day we were watching a show on his phone and eating breakfast on his bed. He went to the bathroom and before he came back I saw a notification on his phone from a girl who was basically his ex saying she was excited for them to meet up. That notification was the first time i had ever heard of that happening. He got extremely defensive and started saying he needed closure. Meanwhile we had been dating for a year and a half already. He then blamed me for not being able to go and said that I got jealous.

3 years after we started dating his family invited me to go to mexico with them for the first time. They had a party. At the party i sat with his immediate family. About an hour into the party everybody ended up leaving the table but me. I was just sitting there on my phone because the only people i knew were my ex and his immediate family. My ex was outside with his cousins drinking and smoking. I was bored so i went outside to see what he was up to and he proceeded to tell me to go back inside. I didn’t want to leave a bad impression so i went back inside and just sat at a random chair by myself. After the party was over we ended up getting into an argument because he left me alone for the entire party. He tells me I should have been hanging out with his girl cousins which he never cared to introduce me to. When i told him that he got upset and put his hand on my back and started pushing me so hard i was walking on my tippy toes for about a block. His entire extended family saw and began asking his mom if everything was okay. She then cornered me and told me that they weren’t used to having to introduce anyone into the family. I went to my room that i was sharing with his grandmother and upstairs his cousins and uncle were all talking shit about me.

There is also a story about how he made a huge scene at a concert last year and embarrassed me in-front of everyone.. if anyone even sees this and wants to hear it let me know lol.

Now getting to the context of the title. This year my brother got married. We had one of my favorite cousins who i barely get to see come from out of town. I wanted to make one of her wishes come true and take her whale watching. I asked him if he could please not black out nor drink too too much because we were going to be on a boat the next day and i didn’t want to be worried about him throwing up. I also wanted him to not waste over a hundred dollars because he was hung over. He proceeded to tell me everything was gonna be fine and he was going to stay up until 4am with my other cousin drinking…. He didnt care for my feelings.

Fast forward to the day after the wedding. We go whale watching. Nobody eats because we do not want to throw up. We all had a blast and got amazing videos and pictures. After whale watching we went to a restaurant to go get food. My parents got nachos for us all to share and told him to come get some and he completely ignored them. He did not say thank you nor acknowledge them at all. Then we proceeded to go to the beach. When we arrived at the beach (where the rest of my immediate family was) my guy cousin started making a big deal that I did not tell him we were going to the beach. He said he would have brought other shoes if he would have known. For whatever reason my ex started defending him and arguing in-front of everybody that i never told them. I have text messages sent to my ex where i told him we were going to the beach. I just ignored them after a while and they went and sat on the sidewalk while the rest of my family was sitting at the beach. My girl cousin turns and looks at me and apologizes and tells me she is glad i didnt let him ruin my day. I told her this was normal for me. He has ruined so many things for me before and embarrassed me infront of family, friends, and strangers.

The following Monday when I was going to work I realized this was not a relationship I wanted to be in anymore. I was not happy. I was feeling miserable. I broke up with him on Wednesday and apparently it came out of left field.

He told me that we were supposed to work through things together and that we were together for so long but I was feeling miserable. So am i the asshole for breaking up with my boyfriend of 8 years?

I will say I have a lot more stories. Like him
Pushing me on my birthday trip that I paid for, his mom talking bad about me to others, his mom getting upset over me being sick, his mom getting upset at my brothers wedding over the bouquet toss, my ex almost peeing on my bed, my ex peeing on my closet, my ex flipping off a girl at a friends party to her face, my ex trying to propose after breaking up and many more….

Also sorry for any grammatical errors :( English isn’t my first language.

Before I start, I want to make it clear that I have absolutely nothing against trans people who want to have biological children. This is purely about my own feelings. I personally can't imagine being pregnant, and the thought causes me a lot of dysphoria.

I (21FtM) have very supportive parents overall. I socially transitioned when I was 14, started testosterone when I was 15, and have already had top surgery. My parents have always respected my name and pronouns, which is why this whole situation has caught me completely off guard.

I've been dating my boyfriend (22M) for about four months now. My parents both adore him, and he's honestly been incredible. I couldn't ask for a more supportive partner.

About two weeks ago, my mom suddenly became convinced that I was pregnant.

It started because I'd been feeling sick for a few days. I threw up twice before work, was unusually tired, and just generally felt awful. I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with a stomach bug that I most likely caught at work.

Around the same time, I mentioned that my lower back had been hurting. I work as a paramedic, so I'm constantly lifting patients, bending down, and carrying equipment, and I'd also been working out more than usual. Looking back, there were plenty of reasonable explanations for everything, but my mom somehow became completely convinced that I was pregnant.

I told her multiple times that I didn't think I was. I even explained that the comments themselves were making me really uncomfortable, but she just wouldn't let it go.

Almost every conversation somehow circled back to pregnancy. She kept saying things like, "A mother just knows," or, "You'll thank me when you find out early."

Eventually, she started asking me to take a pregnancy test "just to prove her wrong." I refused several times because, honestly, even buying one made me feel sick. Being reminded that I still have the anatomy to become pregnant is incredibly dysphoria-inducing for me. I know not every trans person feels that way, but I do. The entire situation made me feel gross, and I hated that I was even being pressured into thinking about it.

She kept bringing it up every single day. She'd text me multiple times asking if I'd taken a test yet, telling me she'd "know" if I was pregnant, talking about becoming a grandmother, and insisting that I shouldn't ignore the signs. It got to the point where I dreaded looking at my phone because I knew there would probably be another message about it.

The constant pressure completely wore me down. I don't think I've cried this much since my exam period. My boyfriend was amazing through all of it. He kept reminding me that my feelings were valid, told me I didn't owe anyone proof of anything, and repeatedly offered to tell my mom to back off himself if I wanted him to. Even with all of his support, though, there wasn't much he could do about how much my mom's behavior was affecting me. I'm also a pretty emotional person in general, so crying isn't unusual for me, but this was on another level.

After days of her refusing to drop it, I finally gave in. I bought a pregnancy test because I just wanted the whole thing to stop.

I've honestly never felt so disgusting. Standing in the bathroom holding a pregnancy test made me feel incredibly dysphoric, and I cried through the entire process.

The test was negative, exactly like I'd expected and exactly like I'd been telling my mom all along.

I thought that would finally be the end of it, but instead she started saying that it was probably "too early" and that I should take another test in a week because "pregnancy tests can be wrong." She even told me I should make an appointment with my doctor just to be sure.

I feel gross every time she brings it up because, yes, she's still doing it. At this point it feels like she's completely ignoring how upsetting and dysphoria-inducing this whole situation has been for me.

My boyfriend thinks she's crossed a major line. He says I need to firmly tell her that this subject is no longer open for discussion and that if she continues bringing it up, I'll have to stop responding or even block her for a while.

I don't want to damage my relationship with my mom because she's always been supportive otherwise, but I also can't keep dealing with this.

How do I get her to stop bringing this up without completely blowing up our relationship, or is it already too late for that?

Potential Trigger Warning for CSA(?) and gr00ming(?) and online CSAM. Please proceed with caution if triggered by those topics.

So I (16) have always had trouble with saying no to people when they ask me for things and have always been a bit of a people pleaser and attention seeker (or at least thats what other people have called me anyways). I also have always loved writing and role playing. I am huge into fandom culture and have been since I was a child (think 9-10) so I have been on the internet for a long ass time. With that being said Ive always had trouble discerning what is and isnt appropriate behavior from the people around me and as a result continue to accidentally traumatize myself both online and irl because of the past trauma I experienced as a small child.

The most recent incident happened right after I was broken up with by my (age appropriate) ex. I got really sad so I went to look for role play partners online, but unfortunately non ai platforms are really hard to find because of the recent ai boom. So it was a struggle even finding a place to look for RP partners. Until I found an app I will not name. It was exactly what I was looking for so I signed up and made a profile. But nobody messaged me at first. Until a couple days later when I got a message from a guy who said he wanted to RP. I was ecstatic! I excitedly told him all my plots (they were all sfw obviously) and then he asked that dreaded question that every roleplayer regardless of age has heard at least once:

"Do you do NSFW?"

I said no (a really difficult thing for me to do). He blocked me. This same thing kept happening with several people until finally I was worn down, eventually saying yes to someone. He and I wrote something truly disgusting that I still cannot erase from my brain no matter how hard I try. But unfortunately then the floodgates were opened. I kept saying yes to more and more stuff with more and more people, I saw so many things I did not wanna see and read so many things I did not wanna read.

These people knew my age and they were all between 19-25. It all came to a head when someone asked me for pictures and videos... I agreed and I took them. I felt disgusting but they kept telling me how attractive I was so I kept going. Eventually I finally got overwhelmed enough to delete my account, delete the app and block everyone. But it was too late. More pictures of my naked body are out in the world and I have zero control of where they go.

The reason Im posting here is because when I told my dad about all this (I have a very close relationship with my dad and feel guilty when I dont tell him what Ive done wrong) he said I shouldve known better because of how many times this has happened, and that the law wouldnt be on my side for much longer. He also said how I was an asshole to myself for complying with them when I didnt have to. And now I just feel stupid. Was I the one in the wrong here? I know I did the wrong thing but idk.

AITAH for not saying no?

EDIT TO CLARIFY SOME THINGS:

1. I am not a girl, I am just a very feminine trans boy. I use he/him pronouns.

2. my SA traumas go back as far as I remember, most of the earlier ones being IRL and even some of the later ones being IRL too.

3. my dad is a very supportive and amazing parent, he is just really tired of this stuff happening as the police and CPS keep questioning us because of it.

4. yes I do already read fanfiction and write by myself, it does help.

5. I have decided to not RP with people I dont already know for the foreseeable future.

[removed]

Okay so this my first time posting and English is not my first language so I apologize in advance for any grammatical or formatting errors

So a few things to clarify before we start I am (25F) and have a little boy who is 5 months old. I’m a single parent and the sperm donor is out of the picture. I meet my friend (23M) on an online platform where you can meet new people (Yubo for those who are interested) because I was lonely and wanted new friends / social interaction besides the baby ( the baby was fine I mainly used it while he was sleeping ). We got to talking and got along great and noticed we don’t live far from each other.

Okay now on to the story so me and my friend (23M) have been hanging out a lot and at first it was totally platonic. However his mood started to shift towards something not very platonic. He started texting me a LOT and we started calling each an every night (after I put my son to sleep) and were talking for hours until one of us fell asleep. He also started telling me that he misses me and when we (me and baby boy) would be over again. He also started showing more of an interest in my baby boy and started playing with him or holding him while I went to the toilet for a min. We also went on walks through his village with him actually pushing the stroller. When I went to see him without baby boy (my parents sometime watch him for a few hours so I can get a breather and yes I am very grateful for that) we also started making out, cuddeling and getting a bit handsy not to much tho since I didn’t want to. However we never really put a label on anything because I thought it was kind of obvious at that point. Hope that paints the picture of our relationship.

So here is where the problem starts. So about a month ago he tells me on one of our nightly calls that he reconnected with someone. A bit of backstory is needed for that. When he was 19 he dated a 17 yo girl. She told him she was 18 at the start and only revealed it about 6 months into the relationship that she was in fact not 18. So the girl he reconnected with was someone the ex above was super jealous of and basically hated the poor girl for no reason. So I don’t know the specifics of who wrote whom first but at our nightly call on a Saturday he told me that he reconnected with her and they they would meet up on Sunday and he’d cook for her and everything so he didn’t really have time to call as much since he still had to clean up and everything. I was pretty taken aback but didn’t really say anything because I was just overwhelmed. So on Sunday she came over and he cooked for her and they apparently talked for hours afterwards (as he told me in our call that night ). Me being still kind of overwhelmed just asked a few things about her like where she’s from , how old she is and what her occupation is like normal stuff. He then revealed to me that he didn’t know how old she was exactly but since she had tattoos on her hands she had to be over 18. So on Monday they had another date and in the evening when he called me he told me he found out she’s 17. To remind you he is 23! I told him as much. That she is A MINOR and he’s way to old for her. He agreed with me but still told me several times that it’s too bad because he really really liked her. So on Tuesday he wanted to meet up with her and tell her they can’t date because she’s just way to young for him and that she should look for someone more age appropriate. At least that’s what we planned for him to do. So on Tuesday we wanted to hang out so he could tell me how it went in person. That didn’t happen. He just texted me (after I got ready and everything) that he’s still out with her and that he couldn’t make it. I got suspicious but waited for the evening call for him to actually tell me what happened. He called me that evening and to my absolute Schock and Horror he told me that they agreed to date but with the agreement that they wouldn’t do anything more than holding hands/ hugging until she was 18. Let me tell you I was appalled and told him it was wrong again.

So that was Tuesday right ? My friend was scheduled to leave for a month in Thailand that Friday. I agreed to lend him a suitcase and drive him to the airport on Friday because his flight left pretty early and he didn’t have anyone else to take him( that was already a plan WAY before all of that happened ). So over the days leading up to Friday I was supposed to come over once to drop off the suitcase and hang out for a bit. However we had many fights over the 3 days leading up to Friday mainly because I think it’s so wrong of him to date A MINOR and also that he just fucking played with me that much and I told him so. We agreed that we should talk about our friendship and our feelings face to face. However that did not happen. We called a few times most of them ending on a sour note because I kept stating that I am not okay with him dating A MINOR and frankly he should not be either. So we planned that I would stay over with baby boy from Thursday into Friday because we would have to leave very early since the flight was pretty early ( no worries the times of how I would be driving where times where baby boy is still fast asleep and he also loves car rides if he can stay awake in one long enough to actually look outside , which is also the only reason I agreed to take him in the first place). The days leading up to that he was kind of pushing for me to meet his MINOR gf and I told him that I was not interested especially since we didn’t even have a talk face to face yet. Also I was frankly not comfortable staying over at his place with the baby after everything that went down. He also asked me if he could stay over at mine then to which I also replied f\*\*\* no. And since he was hanging out the whole 3 day leading up to his flight with his MINOR gf we didn’t get to meet up and talk face to face.

However since I am a doormat and hold my friends very dearly and would do a lot for them I didn’t have the heart to fuck him over right before his flight with basically taking the suitcase and drop of offer back. Also I was as delusional as to think i would maybe be able to talk sense into him face to face.

So Friday comes and I wake up in the middle of the night to first bring a suitcase over and then wait for him to throw everything in and then take him to the airport. I thought we would get to talk in the 2 hour drive to the airport. So I brought the suitcase upstairs and told him and his mom I’d be downstairs since I had baby boy in the car and though he doesn’t usually wake up once he sleeps I didn’t want to leave him alone ( also I just couldn’t stand to be in the room with him and act like everything is normal). His mom (bless her heart) came downstairs with me offered me a coffee and thanked me profusely for taking him to the airport since she couldn’t herself since she wouldn’t make it back in time for work. My baby boy woke up probably because he heard us talking so I took him out of his car seat and he fell right back asleep in my arms so I was just rocking him a bit more before I’d put him back in his seat. During that time my friend came downstairs and put the suitcase in my car and luckily I could escape the awkward hug thanks to baby boy in my arms. I put baby boy back in his seat and got in mine and when I was backing out he tried to hug me which I declined with the reason of it being in the car.

So during our drive he just started telling me about what they talked about last night and blah blah blah and then promptly fell asleep. Halfway there I wanted to take a break so I could check on baby boy again and stopped at a bakery so he could also get breakfast. We stopped there for maybe 20 min. He got breakfast and once he was back he asked me if i could check his carry on for anything he’s not allowed to take. And let me tell you he had all of his cosmetics in his carry on and all way over the limit for liquids. So since I flew quiet a bit when I was younger I started reorganizing his carry on and suitcase. He wanted to hug me to thank me and „since he didn’t get to do so earlier“ (his words not mine) but I just gave him an awkward side hug because I couldn’t get out of it completely . And then we continued our ride and I started telling him what he has to do once he gets to the airport since this was his first time flying. And 8 min before we arrived to the airport he looked at me and said „ oh shouldn’t we talk about us“. To which I just looked at him scoffed and said that I don’t think that 8 min is going to cut it. I also let him take my jacket with him because he didn’t have one and airplanes as well as airports especially during night can be quiet cold. So I basically kicked him out at a drop of since I did not want to pay for parking as well and he hugged me before going inside.

He checked in with me during his travels a few times and asked for help a couple of times but in the end made it safely to Thailand. And from then on we haven’t had much contact from like 200+ messages a day and hours on the phone we went to a few sentences a day and one short call during his whole trip. That was mainly from him not having time and me not responding to every snap of reel he sent and only responding if it was actually interesting. He also told me once that it’s not going well with her and when I asked why he thinks that he just told me that they are communicating even less than the both of us are which was barely anything to begin with. I didn’t question further.

So he came back on Friday. Since then he’s back to calling and texting me non stop. He told me over the phone that they broke up because she basically ghosted him and he won’t put up with that „childish crap“( his words) and frankly I have no idea what he expected from a minor. We are planning to meet up this week so I can get my suitcase and jacket back and i am unsure on how to act.

Here are some more things he said to me about her that made me very uncomfortable.
He said she was hot.
Had a great chest.
He showed me screenshots where he said he loved her.
He said she has a great body
He said that he could really imagine a future with her.
Also he slept with 3 call girls in Thailand right after they broke up.
He also tried to set me up with his 20 yo friend (whom I’ve met before ) and told me he would be totally down for it… I was not because he’s WAY to young for me.

And I want to remind you they went from basically meeting ( they did know of each other before but not even enough to know the others age) to dating in 3 whole days and then were in a relationship for 3 days before they were long distance for a month (or not even since they broke up before he got back )

So before I meet him this week I’d like to know if I would be overreacting by cutting contact with him afterwards ?

TL;DR: would I (25f) be overreacting by cutting contact with my friend (23m) for briefly dating a girl (17f)?