WIBTA if I confronted my best friend about our mutuals cutting me off?
Might be a long post but I just need advice/reassurance. Trigger warning, there is a brief mention about an attempt, but nothing graphic. I’ve changed all of the names of the people along with a couple identifying things in messages, as to protect everyone’s privacy.
So for backstory, my best friend Alex (M 21,) and I (NB 21,) have know each other since last April. He moved into the house our mutual friend and I lived in. I would hang out with him during all of my free time, we had been there for each other through abusive relationships, break ups, lost jobs, and getting kicked out last September (not to our own fault, our friend we were living with moved to be with her bf in another state.) After he moved to a relative’s place and I moved back in with my mom, I spent almost every night at his house, we had plans to move back out together, and that was that. Since about September, he’s gone through four jobs, has no savings, has no license, and still has to save up for a major surgery (that his insurance won’t cover) along with the recovery period. Our goal was to have the first/last month of rent plus the security deposit saved for each of us to fall back on when we moved (we were hoping by this October.) We are very close, he’s even asked me to be his queer platonic partner, and we regularly have intimate interactions between just the two of us and with others joining us. We have very similar hobbies and interests, but he hasn’t been a great friend to me. He’s ditched me in the middle of the night for guys off grinder, borrowed so much money from me without paying it back (but spends literally every penny he has on things he doesn’t need like bar outfits and exotic fish), and he does this weird thing where he’ll be super off and distant with me for a few days/weeks and then starts to spam me when I make plans with other people and expects me to drop them for him. We haven’t had a super healthy relationship, but I have bpd, he is (was) my favorite person, I’m working on it.
Also in September, I began dating my current partner, Zach (22 M.) We will have been together for a year in about a month, and we’ve gotten pretty serious. We have a puppy together, I’ve been staying with him at his mom’s for a few months, often have conversations about future plans together, and want to move out together and possibly getting engaged after we’ve lived together for a year. We’re in a poly relationship, date/are intimate with people together and separately, and have a very healthy relationship. He’s a great communicator, is emotionally intelligent, very financially stable, has a great job that he’s recently been promoted at, and is genuinely one of the most caring individuals I’ve ever met. I have a menagerie of mental health issues, including bpd, bipolar 1, cptsd, and a laundry list of others that I’m not currently medicated for, (I also lost my insurance a few months ago,) and he has been an absolute godsend in helping me regulate and manage my symptoms. I love him so much, we’ve been getting more serious, as we had been together for almost 9 months when this all took place.
So on Thursday, June 4th, I called Alex on my way from hanging out with him and broke the news to him. I was planning on telling him in person while we were hanging out, but I really struggle with face to face confrontation and chickened out. I basically told him what I wrote above: that Zack and I were getting more serious and we’ve been talking about moving out together next spring. At first, he took it really well, said that he understood and he could find another friend to move with. However the next day, (Friday, June 5th,) when Zach and I showed up to a bar that the three of us and some other friends were supposed to meet up at, Alex almost immediately left. He didn’t tell anyone where he was going, and shut his phone off. I called and messaged him multiple times to make sure he made it home safe, but no answer. Saturday the 5th, he messaged me saying he was ok, but didn’t say much else to me. On Sunday (the 7th) he messaged me on Snapchat. I don’t have screenshots because I obviously don’t want him to see that I’ve taken them, so I’ve copied and pasted the conversation below:
Him: “I'm scared that (Zach) is gonna take all of our time away from each other. I already feel as if he took my only option for a roomate. That's one of the reasons as to why I left early from the bar. I couldn't handle it. I'm trying my hardest to be happy for you, but I don't think I can be and I feel horrible because of it. I've been trying my hardest to hold back my feelings about the whole situation but it's driving me crazy, because I feel like the only way I can sit and let it happen is by avoiding you guys altogether. Which I know isn't healthy or good for either of us.”
Me: “(Alex,) I’m so sorry I had no idea. I’ve been so torn about everything because I don’t want anything to change between us, please tell me what I can do to keep that from happening. I know (Zach) has his things but he’s been really good for me and the stage of life I’m in. The way you’re feeling is completely valid and I’m so sorry that I put you in this position. I don’t expect you to feel any sort of way for me. I just want you to know that you’re my best friend and I love you so much. I’ll do just about anything I can do to make things right.”
Him: “I know and I could have mentioned something sooner but I chose to hold off because it was really hard for me to process. I'm glad that (Zach) is a good fit for you and I see that, but (I'm not trying to tell you what to do with your life AT ALL) I still think it's kind of soon for engagement and WAY too soon for you guys to be living together while engaged. Y'all are moving quicker than a pair of U-Haul lesbians, lol. I think the thing that has affected me the most is that we had definitive plans to move in together and those plans changed and I don't have much of a choice but to find someone else to live with since I don't see myself comfortably living with (Zach.) I think I'm struggling to be happy for you because your mutual actions and the ways he's treated me before are both concerning me. I just have anxiety for you from my own expirences and seeing my friends get baby trapped by men that don't show their true colors until they know that you're stuck with them. I want to be positive about things, but there's just always that chance that something could go wrong and then I lose you like I lost (Lauren) and (Patrick.)”
Me: “And I understand that, it’s just that I really need to get out and be independent asap. I know you have a job now but you still need to get (*specific surgery*) done before you move and you aren’t going to have any way of earning or saving anything for at least a few months. You also need a mode of transportation before you find somewhere to live that isn’t your (*relative’s house*), so saving for a deposit, first and last month’s rent, and enough for a car is going to take more time than I think I have left at my mom’s. I love you and I’m really not trying to be selfish at all in making these decisions but things are a lot worse here than I’ve let on and it’s getting to the point where I’m overstaying my welcome as is. I don’t want to abandon you and I can’t lose you i just don’t know how to handle this.”
Him: “It’s ok, we’ll talk more about it tomorrow.”
The next day, 1:50 am:
Him: “I love you and I'm sorry because this is so much, but I'm genuinely at my breaking point and rationally, this is the only thing that may get me the help I need right this second. I love you and I promise not to die, but I think I'm gonna go ahead and put myself into the hospital tonight.”
Shortly after sending that last message to me, he decided he was going to take an entire bottle of his anxiety medication at once in front of his mom. He was taken to the hospital, and was in mental hospitals for a week and a half. After getting out, he’s since found a new roommate, had their entire apartment paid for them outright by his relative, and they moved an hour and a half away. He’s already lost his first job and is considering requesting a mental health leave not even a week into his current one, so I feel validated in my decision to not move with him.
BUT, two of our mutual friends (Jackie, 22 F and Sarah, 21 F) have recently decided to cut me off. Jackie stopped talking to me first, and when I asked Alex if he knew anything about it, he said that she just thought I had beef with her and was giving her dirty looks at the bar we frequent. I texted and messaged her on snap explaining how I value her friendship, how I have no beef with her whatsoever, and if I’ve ever given her a dirty look, it was probably because I was intoxicated and trying to figure out who she was from across the bar (I have a really bad rbf, so I can understand why someone would think I was angry with them.) I was left on read on both platforms. About a week and a half later, Sarah decided to unadd me on Snapchat. I messaged her, and to no avail, so I asked Alex if he knew anything about it. He said he knew it had something to do with me and Zach but that was about all he knew.
Fast forward to last Friday, when I asked another mutual friend if she knew anything about the situation, and she basically said “Well it’s not my business and I really don’t want to get mixed up in anything, but it’s basically because of the moving situation and your relationship with Zach.” So now it’s my opinion that Alex has been talking shit about me behind my back to our friends and has then been trying to save face with me so he can feel like the good guy in the situation. I’m really hurt and upset about the whole thing, but most importantly that he lied to my face about knowing the truth of the matter the whole time. I want to talk to him about it and get his side of the story, but I’m wondering if it’s even worth it anymore. I don’t feel like a priority in our friendship, I’ve constantly bent over backwards for him, and I just don’t feel like I’ve ever gotten anything in reciprocation for the duration of our friendship. What should I do? WIBTA if I confronted him about it, or should I just drop it and distance myself? I appreciate any advice or constructive criticism anyone is willing to give, I genuinely feel so lost and broken up over all of this.
UPDATE:
Literally minutes after posting, Alex called me to ask me to move an hour and a half away from my partner, family, dog, place of work, and friends to help HIM get to work. Apparently he and his roommate are struggling to transport him to work (even though his roommate has a car and a job that allows them to build their own schedule) and they offered to have me stay in his room, let me eat for free, and “live there for free until I get a job.” I told them to give me the night to think about it and that I’d message them about it tomorrow. They asked me if I had any questions, and I told them that my main concern was being away from my partner and dog, and the fact that my dog’s care relies on the schedules Zach and I have at our jobs. Alex’s roommate responded with “well we can’t have another pet in the house, so you’d have to figure that out.” I told them that was my point and that I didn’t know how I felt about leaving my dog and partner behind. The way he had the audacity to ask me of such a HUGE favor after everything that’s happened the last few months is just so baffling to me. I’m genuinely so hurt and upset about all of this, he was my best friend and I would’ve done almost anything for him. I feel used and like I’ve just been led on this entire time. I’m going to tell him how I feel about everything in the morning, I just need to collect my thoughts in the most precise way possible. Wish me luck.