u/Username_Or_else

Link to original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/s/iq8p3dEDYa

Hello everyone, thank you for all the kind words and advice. I have an update for you all but please try to keep Islamophobia out of the comments, they got banned last time because there was a lot of misinformation and unkind words, and I would like to make it clear that I don’t blame my potential roommate for her beliefs and that I have nothing against her being Muslim.

After talking to my best friend about it, she said she would be willing to move with me, that she told her parents, and that they help us move. I wasn’t thrilled that she told them without asking but they didn’t seem to have an issue with me being trans so thats one less thing to worry about.

After talking to her, I sent an email to the apartment manager yesterday, explaining the situation, including that I had no idea the building was supposed to be all-female, that I didn't intentionally hide anything, and that I was willing to consider moving if it would help resolve the situation. I also explained that moving would be a huge inconvenience for me and my roommate since we've lived there for a year, have all of our belongings there, and our names are on the utilities, meanwhile the other girls haven’t moved in yet. But I also said that I understand that we have more options than she does since she can’t live in any of the co-ed apartments, so I would be willing to make the change if there weren’t any additional costs for us.

She apologized that my roommate had shared my information and specifically told me that the complex has had “several residents that have transitioned while living at our properties” and that being transgender is “not something you have to hide from us.”
She then explained that there aren't currently any other apartments at our property available anyway, so she would rather have me and my roommate stay at our current apartment.

She told me, essentially, that if the new roommates aren't comfortable living with me, they will need to figure out another housing arrangement. They can either continue their leases or assign their leases to someone else, and she said she would do her best to keep us informed about who they might assign their leases to if they choose that option.

So, thankfully, I'm not being forced to move. My roommate and I are staying, and management is working with the other roommates to figure out what they want to do.

There is one part of her response that I'm curious about, though, and I'd love to hear what other people think. She said “I apologize they are not being more open minded.” That wording stood out to me a bit?Because I had been told previously the issue was with her living with a man, not a trans person, but the phrasing makes it sound like she may have made some unsavory comments to the manager. I tend to overthink these things so I could be reading into it too much, but if she did, at least it worked out in my favor because now the manager is on my side.

I'm very relieved with how management handled this, especially after how awful I felt when I first got that phone call. I'm still upset that my private information was shared with management and apparently with my roommate's parents without my consent, but I'm really grateful that management has been so understanding and that I get to stay in my home.

I texted the girl yesterday as well after hearing back from management, because I ultimately decided I wanted to explain how I felt, because I don't want there to be unnecessary hostility between us.

I told her that I understand she has religious beliefs that affect who she's comfortable living with, that I don't expect her to change those beliefs, and that I'm not upset with her simply for being uncomfortable with the living situation.

What I am upset about is that my transgender status was shared with management and apparently with her parents after I disclosed it privately. I explained that my gender identity is extremely personal to me, and that this is actually a major reason I hadn't told her sooner.
When the leases were originally being signed, I wasn't even out to my best friend yet. I had only met these roommates very briefly, months before they were supposed to move in, and I wasn't at a point where I felt comfortable disclosing something that personal to people I barely knew. I also had no idea that the apartment was supposed to be designated female-only, so I had no reason to think my gender identity would be relevant to the housing arrangement.

I told her that I don't think transgender people should be expected to disclose something as personal as their gender identity to every prospective roommate months before moving in simply in case someone might have a religious objection to it. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone by not saying something I wasn't ready to disclose. I was just making a personal decision about when I felt comfortable coming out.

I also told her that I understand this situation has put her in an uncomfortable position, and that I don't want to invalidate her religious beliefs. At the same time, I hope she can understand that being put in a position where I thought I might have to leave the home I've already been living in for a year was incredibly upsetting for me.

I also let her know I genuinely hoped she could find a living situation she’s comfortable with and that I wish her the best.

So yeah, it’s unclear who my roommates will be this year but at least I know where I’ll be living.

And on a minor note, thank you to the people who reached out to let me know my post was shared on a lolcow site and a transphobic Facebook group. That sucks but at least it gave me a chance to go through my post history and delete anything that could get me doxxed.

I’ll keep you guys updated if anything else happens, the manager said she’d get back to me Thursday when she’s back in the office

Take care

-me

I’m literally devastated, and I have no idea what to do.

Not even an hour ago I sent a text to the two new roommates me and my best friend are supposed to live with this year, letting them know I’m trans and that I wanted to warn them before they moved in. They’ve met us one time earlier, but that was for like three seconds, months ago before summer. My transition has gotten more obvious since then now that I’m ten months on T, so I didn’t think keeping it a secret was an option. They never replied, and I assumed they just hadn’t read it yet.

Then, I got a phone call from our apartment manager. I thought maybe something had gone wrong with my rent payment because my debit card was hacked earlier this week, but no, she said she got a call from one of my roommates about a text I sent. Apparently, our building is supposed to be an all female building, which I wasn’t aware of, and it’s against her religion to live with a man. At least that’s how it was phrased, but maybe it’s trans people in general she has an issue with, or both.

My manager asked if I would be open to moving, and I was like, “I mean… no? I was planning on living there until graduation?” And all my stuff has been there since last year. She was pretty apologetic, but said that they’ve never encountered this situation before, and the only apartments left are co-ed so the other girl can’t live somewhere else either.

I know I should have told them before they signed the lease but I never thought this would happen. The reason I didn’t tell them is because I was still in the closet to my best friend at the time and I didn’t want to out myself when I didn’t think it was anyone else’s business. If I had known we lived in an all female apartment or that her religion might make it an issue, I would’ve said something I swear.

The apartment manager said she isn’t sure what to do but that she’ll probably have to contact an attorney and get back to me. I’ve never felt so humiliated and guilty in my entire life. I didn’t text them anything about it after the phone call, and I don’t know what I would say if I did. I don’t want to move. If I’m not with my best friend I don’t know if I’ll be able to live without at least one person I can trust. My name is the one on all the utilities, the furniture is mostly mine, I really can’t believe this is happening.

Edit: here’s the link to the texts since she replied

https://www.reddit.com/r/comingout/s/0KxJ6bmjBW

Hi y’all, Ive posted about this issue before but I didn’t get any reply’s, so I thought I try one more time for advice before giving up

I need to come out to my roomates before I go back to school this fall because they’ll definitely notice i look and sound different after months apart, plus I’ve been on T for 43 weeks now so I yes getting more and more apparent.

Obviously coming out over text isn’t ideal but it’s certainly safer and gives me more time to think about what to write and how to respond.

One girl I know really well but she’s low-key a trump supporter (thats a whole other mess), and the other two I only met once so I don’t know how they’ll react. They might be cool with it but I also don’t know if they specifically requested female roomates or not.

PLEASE. Has anyone gone through something similar? What should I write? I don’t know where to begin

Hello all,

I’m going into my third year of college starting this fall, and still have not come out to my Roomate’s. I probably wouldn’t if I didn’t have to, but my transition is going to start being noticeable, especially after not seeing me for three months.

I started at college two years ago, where I met my best friend/ Roomate. We got to know each other because we had all the same classes and major. Back then, I still had my long hair and didn’t realize I was trans. This year we had an apartment together, as well as two other girls I didn’t know very well.

I started T 43 weeks ago as well as doing things like cutting my hair and dressing different. She didn’t notice (or mention) at least that anything was different when my voice started to drop, but since we are planning on living together till we’re done with grad school, I think she’ll notice before the seven years are up. And it’s really hard having no one at school I can feel like myself around, but I still don’t know if I can tell her.

Why? She voted for trump. I didn’t realize this until way later into our friendship, and I kind of just try not to think about it. My parents did too so I’m used to ignoring stuff like this. Not proud of it but I didn’t know what to do. It did surprise me when she told me, since she’s always seemed like a very open minded person. She was always chill with our queer friends. But she’s also pro life and raised catholic. My main worry is her boyfriend, who is also a republican, but in her words, he’s more into politics and “likes to debate people.” So I was like oh, that explains a lot. I also made a joke about the Epstein files a few moths after the election, and she goes: “who’s Epstein?” Which explains a lot.

This year, we’re getting two brand new Roomate’s in our four bedroom apartment. These girls seem nicer and a much better fit than last year, but we’ve also only met once. I also don’t know if they specifically requested to have only girl roommates or not, in which case I would feel bad about “tricking” them. Not only do I want to come out to my best friend before school starts so she has time to come to terms with it before were stuck in the same space, but I think the other girls should know too because I already get he/him’d at work constantly so I probably pass more than I think. I’d hate to have one of them ask me about it in front of my best friend, then I’d be a deer caught in the headlights.

We also have a mutual friend in the same major who I feel like I should tell but I have no clue what his political affiliation is. But yknow, once I tell her he’s gonna find out anyway, and I wouldn’t be surprised if they both were wondering what’s up with me.

So can anyone help me? Has anyone gone through something similar and or can maybe give me an idea of what to write?

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At work, for the most part, I haven’t been correcting people on my pronouns and just letting them assume whatever for safety reasons. It doesn’t really bother me anyway. Plus, I haven’t chosen a new name yet so people assume I’m female a lot based off my name tag.
However, I’ve recently started passing more, and people call me “sir” and he/him/his and all that jazz. To the point where I’ve started hiding my name tag in my pocket so people are less confused. I always thought passing, being gendered correctly, or even being called by a new name was supposed to give me euphoria, but it just makes me paranoid. It’s hard to describe, but it feels like I’m lying to people? Like I’m tricking them and I’m guilty that I’m going to get caught?

Especially today, an older guy had been calling me sir the whole time, and when he asked what my name was, internally I was like “shit, I can’t tell him my current name, it’s girly and he’ll get confused” plus I’m always paranoid about tipping off the wrong person and getting hate-crimed.

So I lied and said one of the names I was thinking of, but the whole time I felt icky and anxious I was going to get caught, like if one of my coworkers came by and called me something else.

Anyone else feel like this? Is this normal or a sign of something deeper regarding dysphoria?

I just wanted to watch Berserk bruh. I think I downloaded a server on my computer but idk what I’m supposed to do now