r/comingout

I’m 25, I have two kids, I’m engaged to a man, and I live in a very conservative environment, but I keep having awakenings that I just don’t like men that way and never really have? no matter how much I try to convince myself to just be okay with it it just keeps coming back up… is it too late for me to come out eventually? Would I be labelled as a fake lesbian if I did?

EDIT: I did talk to my fiance about this last night, he knows everything and he’s being way more supportive than i thought he’d be. He’s got every right to be mad but he just held me while I cried and told me i owed it to myself to not force myself into a role I hate. He’s a good man.

16 ftm, for context my parents are chinese, very very MAGA, and we live in california. idk i've genuinely never vented before and i've never even came out to anyone, just kinda kept working out and working on my appearance until i passed naturally. however, i came out to my mom a few weeks ago because i wanted to at least try and see if something could be done. She didn't say much at first, but today she brought it up again and started telling me after doing research she concluded that i've been brainwashed by leftist media and californian public schools. She told me that I've torn the family apart -- that she realized all the sacrifices she made(we're immigrants from china, she gave up being the CEO of a pharmaceutical company to move to america and pursue better quality of life and education for our family) had been completely destroyed by me wanting to transition. She said my father has been taking it so poorly that he's in complete denial and has not been eating properly, and then described how my life will be completely ruined and how society will not accept me at all or give me any career opportunities. She also said that I have completely ruined their lives. Maybe she knows that that part is important to me because i'm very ambitious academically, but I never thought that being trans would take away from that or from who I am as a person.

I've been very dysphoric since the age of 6 and changed my appearance when I was 10. I only found out what the word transgender meant when I was 12. I attended a religious and anti lgbtq middle school for three years before moving to a public school. I spent every birthday, every christmas, and every dandelion i've wished upon praying that my whole life had been a dream, that I would wake up the next day as a boy and that everything would just smooth out. I spent every day of elementary school daydreaming being a character I'd invented to represent who I wanted to be, going on adventures and making friends who would treat me like a normal guy. I wanted nothing else. For years I've avoided looking in the mirror, kept a very small selection of clothes that didnt make me feel revolting, and played every sport i could manage in order to grow taller. i'm still 5'1, chopped asf, and barely recognize my own reflection. I've never brought up feeling this way because I'd been under the impression that i'd be kicked out, and honestly I don't know if this is any better. I don't want to live with my parents every day knowing they view me as someone poisoned by political propaganda who has killed their sweet daughter. I really don't know what to do. I think its over for me

tldr; parents incredibly unsupportive of transition, mother says I've ruined her life and family

I (14) have already told all of my close friends that I am pan and gender apathetic. All but one, that one being a very openly homophobic friend. (yes I have already considered dripping him and it is not off the table). I would like any advice any of you can give for my situation. Thanks in advance to anyone who answer.

So, there’s a cavetown concert near me and I really want to go. No one except my mom really knows I listen to them, but as most of you know, cavetown concerts always have so many pride flags, pins, etc. i really want to go, and the only person I feel comfortable with taking me is my older brother who doesn’t know who he is. No one in my family knows i’m bisexual, and he doesn’t either. I don’t know if my brother is homophobic or gonna be accepting or be weird about me going/question me on if I’m bi or lgbt or not or tell my parents what he sees. We have a history and I honestly would have come out to him by now, but his girlfriend who he has a kid with is REALLY religious (in a bad “do what i say or else your going to hell” way) and homophobic asf. Should I risk it to go to see my fav artist?

Edit: due to complications with my brother, my dad would be the only one who can take me. Same question applies, except my dad has openly said he doesn’t agree with trans people but he’ll respect them, and he doesn’t mind whoever someone likes, it’s their business. But he is pretty conservative and into politics. More worried about how he’ll react to me listening to him and chloe. Help 😭

So my friend is a lesbian and battled with the thought for a long time, she told some of her friends, but none of her family. She was still conflicted until one day, she’s in her dad’s office and she goes, “I don’t know what to do, I think I like girls.” And her dad goes “Oh, cool, me too!” And doesn’t say anything else. This was handled VERY effectively.

Okay, so I’m (M26) and my now boyfriend (M26) is moving in with me soon so, I thought that this would be the perfect time to share the crazy story of how we found out we liked eachother.

So, for background we both grew up in Australia and went to the same highschool. We both started there in grade 7 and became friends from there.

Ten Years earlier, I got to school and I saw my girl best friend Gracie (F16 at the time, 26 present day). Everyone at the time thought I was dating her, but the truth is, I wasn’t into her at all, infact, I had never even liked a girl. I have a big friend group of guys that are all quite manly and a brother who is like that but double so, Gracie is kind of the only person I can talk to about my feelings, well her and Seb.

Gracie and I were sitting together during maths and as usual, she is was making fun of me for not getting my work done. Suddenly, the teacher asks me to go and get some papers from another classroom. I agree and walk towards a slightly smaller classroom. I walk in and the air immediately shifts. I see Seb standing right by the door. I had never noticed the height difference before. For context, I’m 6’2 and he is 5’0 so, when he’s standing right next to me, it’s hard to miss.

He looks at me koy and says, “I’m just going to the bathroom.” I grab the papers from the teachers desk as I feel 100 pairs of eyes on me cutting through my self-esteem like blunt knives. I return to my classroom and Gracie says to me, “who’s got you blushing like that?”

I awkwardly panic but attempt to brush it off with a laugh that sounded better in my head. “Says you! Maybe you’re rubbing off on me,” she glares at me for a second and then goes back to her work.

After class, I walk down to my locker, I feel a tap on my back and turn around. I look down to see a boy with brown hair and big brown eyes, looking up at me. He looked what one can only describe as a hungry deer.
”Hi Seb!” I say,

”Hi Lachie, you sunburn?”
he responds.

I look in the reflection of a window. Shit.
I am red and it’s not because of the sun. It’s 12 degrees, of course I’m not sunburned, it’s autumn, what was he trying to say?

I overthink this interaction for the rest of the day. I attempt to go to sleep and all I can think about is the fact I was continuing to go red around Seb. I’m such a loser but, am I…..a gay loser? No, it can’t be….. can it? I mean, Seb might be, he always hangs out with Alysha and she’s bi. Maybe I should ask her? Nah, she’s no help, plus she’ll probably lecture me about how it’s not cool to inquire about people’s sexualities.

The next day at school, I see Seb, he looks upset and he begins to cry. Without thinking, as if my legs are moving at their own accord, I rush to comfort him. I ask him what’s wrong and we just sit. He says he can’t tell me and that it would ruin everything. All, of a sudden, I want to punch whoever has hurt him but I also worry that I have done something to upset him.

The next night is a school social event that we are forced to go to, all of the year 10’s are, nobody really wants to go but nobody doesn’t want to, it’s just like a about as interesting as a regular day of school. I walk in with my friend Asher. I mean, he’s not really my friend but, he likes Gracie so, he’s been hanging around me. He sees Gracie as we walk in and runs up and asks her to dance. I’m alone.

I go and sit in a corner and Seb comes up to me as Umbrella by Rihanna plays quietly in the background. He whispers in my ear and my body shivers for a second and begins to feel like ice. I can’t quite makeout what he said but, he looks scared. I say to him “dude, we’re in a room with talking people and loud music, speak up.” He looks embarrassed and yells.
“I like you!“ just as there is a split second of silence between songs.

Creep my Radiohead begins to play and I sit there and stare at him. I feel confused, angry, embarrassed and frustrated. Nobody heard but, they could’ve, why would he be so careless? Why does he like me? Why is he telling me now? I don’t even know if I like him.
“What the hell Seb?” I yell. “Just leave me alone,” I know I was harsh on him and I can see his deer like eyes welling up with tears as I walk out but, I am just so confused about my own emotions that I don’t have time to think about his.

It’s the weekend and Gracie is blowing up my phone asking what happened with Seb and I, Asher is texting me, asking for tips on how to talk to Gracie and Alysha is texting me about how I hurt Seb. I don’t want to respond to any of them. I just want to lay here forever. I can be gay but it needs to stay on the inside. The world just isn’t ready for it, after all, gay marriage has been legal here for less than a year, I’m not that hasty to hop on a trend.

On Monday, after what felt like the longest day of school ever, I begin my journey home from school, it is raining and cloudy and I am about to get soaked. Seb comes up to me after school and begins to apologis, I keep walking. We are now off school grounds and I am nearly home. I stop to tell Seb to leave but instead I stop and stare. He says, “I’m so sorry,” and I wonder why he‘s sorry. He was just being honest. It’s not my fault I don’t want to be honest with my emotion. I look in his eyes so that I can give him my heartfelt apology but words don’t come out. I just keep staring and staring until, I pull him in for a kiss. I don’t know why I did it? Closure? Did I think it would magically turn me straight? Was it the rain? I don’t know but now, 10 years years later, we are married, we have two cats and we are about to adopt a daughter from Korea.

The End.

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m so lost that I’m running to Reddit for advice. I pray this doesn’t get lost in this channel because I seriously need some guidance.

For context I, (F, 17) and my best friend, (F, 17) were in a long term relationship for 3 years. THREE YEARS. We knew from the get go when we started dating that her dad was incredibly homophobic, maga, racist, and Republican but we didn’t care. We were 14 and we loved each other and we thought that was enough. And it was for a little while until EVERYTHING crumbled.

Around mid July this year her dad discovered that she is lesbian and dating me and he flipped his shit. He accused me of so many terrible things such as g(rape), SA, and coercing her into dating me. He also accused my parents of grooming her because they provided her a safe place to go and support. He then claimed her sexuality was a trauma response from the grief she experienced after losing her mom in 2023. (However that excuse of his makes no sense because we started dating 2 months before her mom passed away.) We tried to make it work for around 2 months but our relationship was really struggling. We were arguing a lot because she wasn’t able to process what happened and move forward. I admit, it was hard for me to understand her situation because I come from an incredibly accepting, democratic family, but still. I couldn’t understand why it was so hard for her to accept that her dad was (and is) a bigot.

Anyway, fast forward to now, we’ve agreed that we need to just be friends so that she can work on her relationship with her dad but here’s the problem: he doesn’t want to fix the relationship. She’s tried so many things. She’s tried to have conversations with him constantly that he repeatedly shuts down. For weeks she had been pushing for family therapy and when they finally got into their first session, he immediately wanted to quit and find another therapist because the one they met was affirmative of her identity. He immediately wanted to find a conversion therapist or someone through their incredibly conservative church. Just today, she sent him a website with resources for Christian parents of LGBTQ+ children to work through things. It was basically an online support group and he told her, be, verbatim, “I don’t like websites like these because they try to push you towards acceptance and I am not going to accept you.” ..like what the fuck!???

Here’s where I come in: I’ve been her girlfriend for the majority of my teenage life. I don’t know how to not be deeply involved in her life because we still love each other so much, we just can’t be together right now. So I’ve been holding her hand through all of this, guiding her through her conversations with her dad as best I can over the phone, searching for and offering her resources, (I found the online support group she sent him) and overall being her rock. I love being her rock I never wanna not be there for her but I think I’ve become too involved. She’s a chronic people pleaser, it’s so hard to get that girl to stand up for herself, her dad is incredibly manipulative and it works on her every single time, she has no agency, she will literally ask everyone around her what she should do, when something bad happens she spirals and I have to talk her out of it. She’s keeps saying how much she hates her life and wants to kill herself and I’m frankly really scared that if I start to detach myself from this situation and attempt to let her figure this out on her own, she’s gonna crash and burn and I’m gonna lose her forever. But at the same time, I’m really exhausted. Between school, college apps, and managing her situation, I have barely any time for myself. I miss when things were easy for us. I miss her so much. I wish none of this happened and I have no idea how to save both of us from drowning.

if anyone has advice for my situation please send it. Even if it’s small. I’m desperate

Context: I am a woman 21, bisexual. Never been in a relationship, known I was gay since I was 12

Over my birthday during the summer I came out to my sister and my friend when we were out at the bars. We were all pretty drunk and the next day they were saying that they don't remember much from the night before. I don't think they remember me coming out to them because they haven't mentioned it since and they are both still asking me about boys but not girls. So far my mom, dad, and one of my other friends know that I am bi. I am lowkey dreading having to come out to them again, as well as literally everyone else in my life. I was planning on people just finding out when I get a girlfriend, but a part of me also feels like the people closest to me deserve to know? Advice is appreciated🫶

Edit: I also wanted to add that there are no known gay people in my family (that I know of) so this is a more jarring situation for people around me. I also am pretty straight presenting and have hid this part of my life pretty well.

(also-this is my first reddit post lol)

Summary: How do I come out as trans to my extended family after I have already been medically transitioning for 1.5 year and socially for 6?

I have technically been out to my parents for 6 years (officially for a little less than that), my brother for 5, and I have been taking T for 1.5 years. My immediate family is supportive, but I choose to still let them call me my birth name because I don’t really have any qualms about it.

Here is my issue: I have never come out to my extended family (except for my cousins on my mom’s side). I am starting to get to the point where I can no longer pass as a woman around them and they are questioning my voice.

I never came out to them because it took me a long time for my parents to finally accept me and the thought of coming out to anyone is one of the scariest things I can think of. I went to therapy for 5 years and the fear of coming out did not change.

Now my question is: how do I come out to them? Should I send a text (individually or group text)? Should I say something in person? Should I make my parents say something?

I am a bit lost because this does cause me so much anxiety.

Ps. I only see these relatives like 1-2x a year.

I’ve recently come out to myself as MtF trans, and have been trying to come out to others for about a week. I am horrible at putting my feelings into words and just have had no progress whatsoever at telling people. I know my parents won’t be unsupportive, and if anything my biggest problem would be them trying to be overly supportive even though I want It to be kind of quiet or just not turn it into a huge thing.

I just want to know if any of you had any advice or ways to come out.

I would rather be able to do it over text or leave a letter somewhere or something not in person.

I don't really have anyone to talk to about this (besides my partner), and I want to understand what I'm feeling and why. Maybe you can share some thoughts on whether I overreacted, what I could have done instead, and how I should deal with this moving forward.

TLDR: I came out a bit abruptly to my friends yesterday, and their reaction and a subtle shift in their perception of me has left me feeling a bit strange.

Context/Background:
My partner (female) and I (female) have been in a long-term relationship for 5.5 years. We haven't shared this with our families yet, but we plan to in the near future. Besides my sister, my best friends, and a few close friends, everyone else thinks I'm in a male-female relationship because I refer to my partner as "he," his preferred pronoun.

The story:

1. My two friends (one male, one female), whom I’ve known for a few years, and I were on the train to a hike, talking about me and my partner and how I don't tag or post my partner's face on IG. My male friend, who's gay, said, "I didn't think the person in your photos was your boyfriend, because I've always thought it was a girl." I wasn't ready to share anything, so I just said, "No, that's my partner, he's social media shy so I like to hide his face," and we moved on.

2. While we were waiting for my female friend to come back from the toilet, I told my gay friend upfront that my partner is indeed female. I also shared that we're keeping the same-sex part of the relationship a secret because I haven't come out to my parents yet, they'll likely react negatively, and I'm not ready to be upfront with other people. The only thing I'm comfortable sharing publicly with everyone else is that I have a partner, that's it. He was supportive and said he understood and was happy for me no matter what. We moved on.

3. During the hike, my male friend suddenly asked, "Why did you say your parents would have a negative reaction to your relationship?" and followed up with a few more questions. My female friend got really confused and said, "What are you talking about?" I felt very uneasy and said to my male friend, "She doesn't know what I've told you yet." He realized he'd shared something personal that he shouldn't have and quickly apologized. Right then, I said to myself "fuck it" and decided to tell my female friend that I'm in a same-sex relationship. I explained why I'm not comfortable sharing it publicly yet: I haven't come out to my family, I fear a negative reaction from them, I want to share when I feel ready and not forced, and my partner identifies as a he and we don't want people fixating on him being female. Both friends were very empathetic, and again, we moved on.

4. After walking for a while, my female friend suddenly said, "That's why your partner is so good at taking photos of you. I always wondered how a man could take such good photos of their girlfriend…" I laughed, but internally I felt it was a strange comment because it was so fixated on my partner being female.

5. Later that evening, we were walking down the street talking about musicals we'd like to see. We passed a Magic Mike poster and my female friend said, "Well, you probably don't like watching that." I didn't appreciate it and said, "No, what do you mean? I'm more than comfortable watching it." It felt like she'd made the comment because she now associates me with being a lesbian (which I don't identify as, because I'm not), and automatically assumed that once you're a lesbian, a show about men wouldn't be your thing.

I want to believe my friends meant well, but when I got home that night I felt some sadness. I feel like I forced myself to come out when I wasn't fully ready (this is on me, because I could have found a way not to). It also felt strange to hear comments I'd never heard before, only after I came out.

I wish it could have been just "Thank you for sharing with us about your relationship," and that's it, without random, awkward comments attached to the kind of relationship I'm in.

Hello! Im 35m. I new to the community and recently came out as Pan. Ive been this way for 5ish years now but never really acknowledged it. I recently came out to one of my friends and it went really well. I plan on going slowly to feel how things go. I dont have any friends that are in the community so its a tad difficult.

I hope I can find some support.

This entire situation going to sound super weird, but at this point, I seriously need advice.

I'm a lesbian. I'm also in a bit of a different situation than a lot of people here: I'm in my early thirties. I'm fully financially independent and haven't lived with my parents since I was 18. I'm a successful, well-adjusted adult (life gets better, my dear queer kids out there!) with a beautiful, amazing fiancee.

Also, my parents have technically known I'm gay for almost fifteen years. At least, I've been telling them I'm gay for almost fifteen years.

The problem is that they, for lack of a better term, pretend those conversations never happened.

For years, now, we've basically followed the same pattern: We have a conversation about it ( earlier on, it was true, big, 'Mum, dad, I'm gay'-statements, over the past few years, it has shifted to mentions of and stories about my ex girlfriend, then my now-fiancee, or stories about gay events in my life such as Pride Parades or similar). In the moment, they sometimes react - never with any big show of emotion, but they'll sometimes at least acknowledge that some kind of information has been imparted - and sometimes just breeze right past it outright. Then, a few hours/days/weeks later, one of them will ask me whether I have a boyfriend, or whether I have a crush on a male friend who shows up in an instagram story of mine, or something similar.

The entire situation is outright bizarre. If you only count explicit 'mom, dad, I'm gay'-esque statements, have 'come out' to them at least twenty times over the years. If you count any and all mentions of girlfriends, dates, or incidental stories, that number shoots up into the hundreds. It's like water off a duck's back. It's like the conversations disappear into some kind of black hole. They simply pretend it's never happened.

I'm engaged now. My relationship to my parents has become more and more distant over the last decade, for the obvious reason that I cannot talk to them about my private life without them pretending not to have heard or understood the information I am obviously imparting. At the same time, they've also never reacted in an outright aggressive, obviously rejecting way. They simply ignore it and pretend to be confused at any shows of upset, confusion, or plain disbelief I then show at their confusion.

There is no feasible way they haven't actually understood what I'm telling them. I'm visibly gender non-conforming. I'm fully out in all aspects of my life. Due to my job, I am a minor public figure in my local area. There are literal newspaper articles mentioning my sexuality. There is absolutely no way their lack of understanding is genuine. Instead, it seems to be some kind of bizarre protective mechanism - for their own psychology or something else, I truly do not know.

It goes so far that they've met my fiancee - at least once or twice - and seen us hold hands and kiss (in brief, adult-PDA-appropriate ways) and, when forced (and it takes a lot of force!) to mention her in conversation, refer to her as 'my friend'.

The entire situation is bananas. I am obviously angry and frustrated with them and do not understand whatever bizarre psychology might inspire this behaviour. At the same time, I've also discussed it with my fiancee, and we have jointly decided to make one last push before the wedding. We want to try whether it might be possible to get them to acknowledge this situation, understand what the fuck they've been doing these past fifteen years, and see whether they might be capable of attending the wedding, and playing a role in our lives moving forward. We - and I - want them at the wedding, but there's a running joke in my friend group that they'd be fully capable of standing first row, crying as the vows are being said, and then turn to whoever stands next to them and go 'isn't it lovely they formalised their roommate arrangement like this?'. Obviously, that would not be acceptable.

So, we've settled on one last push. We want to try one last time. Which brings me to the question:

How the fuck do I come out to people I've been coming out to for fifteen years?

And has anyone else experienced a similar situation and might be capable of giving some insights?