This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ihopeudontfindthis

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Trigger Warnings: >!pathological lying, fabricated terminal illness, fake abuse allegations, false claims of sexual assault, stalking/identity deception, emotional manipulation, grief/infant death discussion, gaslighting, harassment, profanity!<

Mood Spoiler: >!deeply sad and unsettling!<

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 25, 2026

• Final Update: May 17, 2026

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Main Post

^(April 25, 2026)

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I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

I don't know where to start with this, honestly. Yesterday morning I was messaged by a mutual friend (Sam 34F) expressing concern for our buddy Dylan (33M). We all went to school together then moved apart, Sam and I don't talk but we're friends on social media and Dylan will mention us to each other now and then in the way anyone would mention their friends in passing.

I had also begun to worry about Dylan lately and had planned to reach out to Sam myself, she just beat me to it. He's always been flaky and bad at keeping plans, and he's said stuff in the past that I've known wasn't correct but it was never a big deal. Like he'd contradict a story he'd told me previously but it was always small enough that it just didn't bother me and I'd humour him. I mean, people exaggerate for effect sometimes, it's not the end of the world. But it's been getting more and more the last few weeks and I've begun to worry it's a medical concern. He's been erratic, confused, forgetting things and just acting.. odd. Sam had the same feeling.

However as we started to talk about our worries, we realised stuff wasn't lining up. There were things that he'd told me and not her and vice versa, or different versions of the same story. We started digging deeper and realised the lies stretch back at least 10 years that we know of.

The lies range from the city he lives in, his job and his finances to marriage, abuse and cancer.

He told me he had eloped with his partner and got married, he told Sam nothing of this (despite telling me she and I would be bridesmaids at their wedding before they decided to just do it in Vegas). We reached out to some old friends who neither of us are in touch with but knew he was and turns out they all distanced themselves from him when they realised they were getting different stories but none of them knew the depths of it. It was odd and frustrating that I'd never met the partner but not outside the realms of reality because we live in different countries (well, I thought, now unsure.

I'm now thinking he might not have ever actually left the state even) and they both travel for work and I don't have much money or time to go galavanting. Same with Sam she lives in South Africa so similar experience. We'd spoken to the "husband" on a different phone number and everything so seemed legit. He had candid photos. We've now realised that they were deep dive pictures from the internet. I actually found the guy on Instagram and spoke to him yesterday (I'd never done this before because it never occurred to me, it didn't seem weird) and he'd never even heard of Dylan.

He'd alleged a lot of abuse from this person as well which is deeply upsetting as he knows I've been in an abusive relationship previously. He also told us about 18 months ago that he was diagnosed with terminal cancer. He's told us about surgeries and treatments and remission and it coming back. I've spent so many nights bereft thinking my best friend was going to die. It's now become clear this is not true.

Everything he's said that's not added up has either been so small I didn't care or assumed he was confused or misunderstanding, or so big you'd never question it because why on Earth would someone do that? Especially since we've known him since we were all kids and he was always so put together, intelligent, successful, generous.. But we've realised that it's all illusion. Initially we worried it was maybe head trauma from the long term abuse, or that the cancer had spread to his brain or something but the depth and breadth of it, plus the realistion that the cancer is a lie... Were now not so sure.

Here is where we need advice. We've reached out to a few of his family members, we figure the way to go about this is to come from a place of concern and wanting to get him help (which is true, he's obviously not well and we don't want to just abandon him) and get some clarification on some stuff and figure out next steps. However I'm pretty sure the messages have gone into "message requests" and they've not been notified as none of them have been read. We don't have any other contact details for his family members, and the people in his life that he speaks to us about we don't know who they are they'll just be referred to by first name.

Ive been avoiding him all day after he had a "medical emergency" but wouldn't let me speak to anyone else there and I just needed the space today to figure shit out. We've been figuring more stuff out today but.. what do we do if his family don't respond? Neither of us are confrontational, and we both still care and want him to get help even if we can't continue to be his friends once he's accessed support. We can't abandon him. Also if his family DOES respond, how much do we reveal? One of the other things we're not certain about was an infant death and we don't know how to go about finding that out, if at all. My life has truly been blown up the last day and I just feel lost and sad and neither Sam nor I know what the fuck to do in this bizarre situation.

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COMMENTS

Mother_of_Brains >Wow he lied about having terminal cancer? That's so shitty. I personally would not want to continue the friendship because that's super manipulative. But if you still want to try and are not confrontational, maybe write him a letter/email/text message explaining your concerns and asking to have an honest conversation and see how he replies. If he denies and gets defensive and doesn't even want to talk, I'd walk away. I wouldn't get his family involved. They probably already know. > >OOP >>If I were to guess I'd say he'll deny and try to turn it around on us then be so angry he'll cut us off. And while I've accepted this friendship is over (did it ever really exist?) I don't like the idea of him cutting us out without a plan in place to get him help. >> >>Mother_of_Brains >>>It's weird to me you think he needs help. He's an adult and he knows what he's doing. He understands the impact of his lies on people, he knows it's manipulative. It's on him to fix himself. >>> >>>OOP >>>>What if he doesn't though? I don't know if it's just because I'm a deeply empathetic person but I just can't comprehend someone doing this without there being something genuinely wrong with them.. This can't just be him forever, right? There must be something that can be done?

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OOP to a long comment >Thank you so much for your reply. I actually have a personality disorder myself (bpd) and have been in specialised therapy for just over a year now. I know myself and the other people in my group therapy with bpd are nothing like this so I think we can rule bpd out. I don't know enough about other personality disorders to make any kind of guess there. > >I think you might be right that i just need to tell him i love him but for my own mental health recovery I need to step away. Everyone seems to agree there's not much we can do for him which is just really fucking sad but yeah idk

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retteofgreengables >One of my best friends is like this - lies about crazy big things and I don't know why. Like lied about their sister dying, about hiking the AT, about a friend going missing etc. I only put everything together when her husband called me freaked out. At the end of the day, it means that I can’t trust her with the truth, but here’s the thing: if I needed something, she would drop everything to help me. She is a genuinely good and kind person but has this need to lie. So for me, I haven’t dropped the friendship and don’t plan to. I did have to adjust certain expectations and I verify anything that is super important, but she’s my friend and mental illness hasn’t stopped that. > >OOP >>He used to be like that, I think it's only because the last few months he's stopped being that generous, drop-everything-to-help friend that it's started to unravel. His small lies never used to bother me but over time it just became frustrating that it was one sided and we'd only talk about his problems.

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Small update main post - after 12 hours

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Thank you for replies and concerns. I am in therapy myself, have been in dbt for a year now so will speak to my therapists about this for sure. We managed to get in touch with a family member yesterday (Charlie), and Sam and I both spoke to them. According to to Charlie the family have been aware of his lies for his whole life but had no idea the extent of it. They were really sad to hear how deep it's all gone but they were able to verify our concerns. Sadly the infant death was true, but that's pretty much the only thing that was.

We now know 100% he's lied about his job, where he lives, his partners, his cancer, being abused and raped, a bunch of other medical issues... We really don't know who this person is. 20 years and none of it has been real. I'm glad that Charlie got back to us because despite all the advice saying to, I don't think I could have just walked away without alerting someone definitely in his life. Sam and I have discussed it and as a few of you have said, we're not gonna be the ones to fix this.

A confrontation will do nothing but make it all worse. We've decided to both slow fade our respective friendships with him and let his family take over. Charlie said they're going over to see his mom today just by coincidence so they'll discuss with her and let us know the outcome. So yeah. Really fucking sad.

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Final update - after 3 weeks

^(May 17, 2026)

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[UPDATE] I've (33F) just discovered in the last 36 hours that my best friend (33M) of 20 years is a pathological liar and his entire life is a farce. How do I even begin to approach this?

Original post on my post history.

It's been just over 3 weeks since I found out my best friend Dylan has been lying to me our entire friendship about everything in his life.

Honestly it's sucked. Sam (his other best friend) and I had decided to show fade away but even in the space of just a week, he increased the intensity to a point I couldn't take anymore. I was initially just replying once a day, to the innocuous messages that weren't to do with lies (eg. Yeah I watched that movie you recommended it was great) but with Sam and I both doing it at the same time, I guess he felt the shift. Also his "ex husband" aka the guy he stalked but never met, blocked him on Instagram after I gave the IG handle for his own safety.

So he obviously started to panic and about a week after all this happened I woke up to 20 deleted messages. We've spoken about this before, it's one of the only things I'd ever come close to having a go at him about, it makes my anxiety go haywire I can't handle it. He apologised and told me the deleted messages were because a third party had told him that his mom was having a heart issue and he freaked out for 2 hours then discovered it was a lie, said he wanted to "murder the c*nt" who told him and that he hates people. That was what broke me. First of all, I saw the first 10 messages before I went to sleep in my notifications bar but didn't open them. It was him talking about some jewellery he liked. Second of all... Are you fucking kidding me? He's been lying to me about having terminal cancer for two years. I decided I had to get out firmly.

I sent a long message explaining that I know everything, and that it's hurt me beyond belief. I said I wouldn't tell him how I found everything out, but that I knew it all, and I hope he can get help but I can't be around while he does. He read it immediately but I blocked him before he could reply on all platforms. Immediately I felt a weight lifted and for a week and a half I was sad and other aspects of my mental health have been affected by it, but I at least felt relief to be away from it all. Sam hadn't heard from him either so in my head I was picturing him being like "shit, they know, I've been found out". (After I told her I sent the message she realised that she'd actually accidentally archived his messages and he'd been messaging her all week. She told him to fuck off and not speak to her again.)

I was so far off lol turns out I'd blocked him on WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram etc but forgot that just regular ol texts are a thing. I got a message from him the other day saying he knows it was Sam who poisoned me against him, that he's done with her and doesn't care about her. That I'm scum for dropping him and not talking to him about it all. The kicker is, he doubled down on everything. Since he clearly didn't realise I'd spoken to multiple people other than Sam, he said she was lying and that everything he'd said was true and he'd never, ever lied. He said I was incapable of having a conversation about the real world (lol).

I ignored it. But I've been keeping in touch with his family and Sam through all this and we've all been updating each other so they've all seen it. Funnily enough, after all the stuff he said about Sam, he then tried to call her multiple times begging her to talk to him. I got a message from his sister in law yesterday saying his brother has now spoken to him and informed him that we've all been in contact with each other, everyone knows everything. Apparently it didn't go well, I don't know exactly how. They hope it's the first steps to getting him help though.

So yeah. It's fucked me up a bit but my therapy has started up again after a scheduled break, I also went back to my 12 step group as I felt pretty triggered there. So I've got support and I don't feel any urge to reply to him or anything which I'm glad about.

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COMMENTS

ListenToTheWindBloom >Wow what a tale. That’s a big deal to go through. This guy lied to you for 20 years and on top of that you lost your friend. Like this is traumatic and exhausting shit. Take care of yourself. You sound like a good hearted person who def deserves better. Glad you worked things out. Be kind to yourself and make sure you don’t blame yourself for having good intentions and giving the benefit of the doubt to someone close to you that you really thought you knew. > >OOP >>Yeah it's a weird feeling almost akin to grief? Like I've lost that person and I will never get that back because they literally didn't exist

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Alyptic

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 15, 2026

• Update: May 16, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 15, 2026)

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AITAH for putting a bedtime pause on the WiFi because my girlfriend’s 28 year old brother has spent nearly a decade rotting in our house playing video games?

Around 8 years ago, my girlfriend’s younger brother moved back into our house with his wife after leaving the Marines. After high school he enlisted, spent a few years mostly doing support and base related work, then got out. His plan was to use his GI Bill, pursue a real education, and figure out a long term career path while staying with us temporarily.

We fully supported them. No rent, free housing, utilities, internet, food, and we constantly cooked meals for them. We also helped with job opportunities, resources, and encouragement.

The problem is that “temporary” slowly became years.

He never committed to school, never held a serious job, and slowly spent almost all his time gaming. He stays up until sunrise, wakes up around 3 PM, and avoids people whenever guests come over.

Meanwhile his wife worked full time as a cashier supporting both of them. Eventually she cheated and left him, saying she no longer felt anything for someone who had lost all ambition and passion for life. Cheating is wrong, but I understood how resentment could build after years of carrying someone.

After the divorce he admitted he had wasted years of his life and promised he wanted to change. We supported him through that too.

Then my girlfriend’s parents moved back onto the property to emotionally support him as well. The house was originally bought by them years ago before being transferred into our names, so technically it’s ours now but there’s still family attachment involved.

Fast forward to now and nothing has changed. He’s 28 and still spends nearly all day in his room gaming.

I’ve brought this issue up to my girlfriend multiple times over the years. Almost every time she either gets angry at me for bringing it up or says he’s “working on a study program” or “figuring things out,” but those plans never actually happen. Her parents have also admitted they’re tired of talking to him because nothing changes. At this point I honestly feel like I’m stuck in an echo chamber where everyone recognizes the problem but nobody wants to confront it anymore.

Two weeks ago I quietly set a WiFi bedtime pause from 12 AM to 6 AM since me and my girlfriend pay basically all utilities including internet. Honestly I thought it would affect nobody except him because everyone else sleeps like normal adults.

My girlfriend got upset because I did it without telling her. She said she couldn’t sleep knowing there was tension in the house because of the WiFi pause. She also explained that growing up, her grandparents controlled things in the house in ways that made her feel like she had no freedom, so the WiFi situation brought back bad memories.

I told her I understood that and agreed what her grandparents did was unfair. But I also told her she isn’t a child anymore, and neither is her brother.

This isn’t parents punishing teenagers. This is a 28 year old grown man spending nearly a decade avoiding adulthood while everyone around him financially cushions the consequences.

I finally told her something that came from years of frustration: somehow everyone can sleep peacefully while watching her brother waste his life isolated in a bedroom gaming all night, but pausing the internet for 6 hours suddenly becomes the unbearable problem.

She thinks I’m being cruel toward someone who may be depressed. I think everyone has spent years enabling self destruction because nobody wants to be the bad guy.

AITAH?

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COMMENTS

germanium66 >Something isn't right here, your girlfriend's parents transferred their house to their daughter and you?? > >OOP >>The house was originally bought by her parents and uncle, with her uncle being the majority owner. Years later they wanted to sell it, but me and my girlfriend wanted to keep the property, so we bought out the ownership rights and the title was transferred to us. That’s the simplified version.

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Ididntpay >I'm not understanding the math - He's 28 now, moved in 8 years ago after finishing service in the Marine? So he moved in at 20? Did he join the Marines at 12? > >OOP >>I’m not too familiar with how the Marines structure contracts, but from what I understand he enlisted right after high school and was out a couple years later after mostly doing base related work. He mentioned that his service qualified him for GI Bill education benefits, which was part of the reason he moved back in with us to pursue school and figure out a career path. >> >>MystiQueWRB >>>NTA Did something happen during his stint in the Marines? Not sleeping at night would seem to indicate needing therapy and that would be the best way the family could support the brother. I’m sorry you’re going through this. Turning off the WiFi / or changing the password so your gf doesn’t have issues — is attention getting. If you care about your gf’s younger bro, open the conversation and see what you can do to take the next steps and get him help. It doesn’t seem like he’s in a place to take that next step himself. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Prior to his extreme isolation and when he first moved in with us, he was genuinely cheerful and valued the time he spent in the Marines. He formed a strong sense of camaraderie with his fellow Marines, and from the stories he shares frequently, it seems like he had a great experience. However, I don’t hear any particularly extraordinary stories, so I’m assuming that excessive technology consumption is the issue.

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LadySlayinem >Seriously. If you get the brother out, you're still stuck with the parents, no? > >OOP >>Her parents are ok, and we actually get along quite well. Since we’re Asian, taking care of our aging parents is quite common. Only issue is that her parent is at the point of giving up on talking to their son out of this stage.

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realmccoyredbus >why should you basically become the parents to her brother , now you have the whole family living with you . > >not healthy situation, quite right you cut of wifi, im sure he will find a way, probably hotspot if he has unlimited data > >your partner enables him to, she will always see him as baby if the family, i think a man to man chat to him could do a world of good, no one set out to end up this way but he needs some encouragement to get his life on track > >NTA > >OOP >>I’m going to fan the flame here but his parent pay for his cellular with unlimited hotspot and I’ve noticed that he would sometime switch over to his hotspot at the middle of the night to circumvent the pause. If the connection is good enough…

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LucianBH (downvoted) >How does the brother playing video games in his room in the middle of the night bother you? Or sleeping till 3pm? He is in his room avoiding people all day. I don’t see how this is costing you any money, except giving him some food, maybe. > >The whole situation is weird. The free house to you, the dysfunctional family, never getting married. It wasn’t clear you are the breadwinner, because you say “we” in the support of the brother. If she is paying towards utilities, maybe you ATH for not a least running it by her first, when you knew it was going to bring things to a head. You threw down the gauntlet, so now you either get your way, or you give up, or you leave. You could have had that conversation first without the confrontational move. > >OOP >>I understand that this might sound unusual, but to us, marriage is simply a piece of paper. We do plan to eventually get married, but there’s no need to rush into it. >> >>I am the primary breadwinner, but we both contribute equally to the household expenses. I understand the perspective that I am not financially supporting him, but by paying for the house, I am also contributing to the problem. That’s something I do considered that I am responsible for.

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OOP to a extremely long comment >Thanks for pointing that out. I did leave out a lot in my story because I’m concerned about the privacy aspect, just in case this post goes viral for anonymity sake.However, you’re absolutely right about him being sheltered by society. He practically has no credit score, and his first car, a used but working one, was gifted to him by his parents right out of school. As a result, he’s had very little hardship in life until now. > >You’re also right about the relationship. We both enjoy each other’s company immensely, and any form of separation would put me in a depression. The plan is to show her family this Reddit post to help them understand my frustration and hopefully set some boundaries before I give the ultimatum to split the house.

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Professional_Ice_792 >So what is the brother's reaction to the pausing of the wifi? Did he freak out? Figure out a way around it? What was that conversation like? > >OOP >>It’s a valid question that could have been beneficial to include in the discussion. The pause was based on MAC addresses, and he has repeatedly attempted to bypass it by changing his MAC address in the middle of the night. But due to me setting it to where any new unknown device would be pause immediately, his effort was pretty much wasted. After about a week and a half, he messaged my girlfriend about the pause, which led to the spiral of events.

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Update - after 1 day

^(May 16, 2026)

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Update: AITAH for putting a bedtime pause on the WiFi because my girlfriend’s 28 year old brother has spent nearly a decade rotting in our house playing video games?

Hey everyone, thank you for all the comments. I honestly never expected this post to blow up the way it did. I’ve been trying to read through as many comments as possible and really reflect on the situation instead of reacting emotionally.

A lot of people had questions regarding the ownership of the house, and I do admit I wasn’t very clear about certain details. Part of that was intentional because I wanted to maintain some anonymity for myself and the people involved in case the post gained too much attention, which it obviously did. I hope you guys can understand that.

After reading through many of your perspectives, I sat down with my girlfriend last night and we had a very serious conversation about the future and expectations moving forward. I explained to her that I cannot continue living in a situation where one person refuses to take accountability while everyone else is expected to carry the burden.

For clarification, the issue is mainly regarding her brother. A lot of the frustration comes from the fact that there has been little to no initiative from him despite everyone around him trying to help. I understand people go through difficult periods in life, and I truly tried to be patient and supportive, but at some point effort has to come from the individual too.

I told my girlfriend that if nothing changes, then we will need to separate living arrangements and I will move out. As difficult as that conversation was, I felt it was necessary because this situation cannot continue indefinitely without structure, accountability, and actual effort being made.

The plan moving forward is to establish real deadlines and measurable steps for her brother to start addressing his situation instead of continuing to avoid it. As many commenters pointed out, VA resources will be the first thing we push him toward pursuing immediately. After that, we discussed career workshops, employment assistance programs, and other resources that could help him get back on his feet and build some long-term stability.

I also made it clear that I am willing to support someone who is actively trying to improve their situation, but I cannot continue enabling someone who refuses to help themselves. I care deeply about my girlfriend and her family, which is why I stepped up and stayed patient for as long as I did, but I’ve also realized I need to protect my own future, finances, and mental well-being too.

For now, I’m focusing less on promises and more on actions. I genuinely appreciate everyone who offered advice, criticism, concern, and even tough truths. A lot of your comments gave me perspectives I honestly had not fully considered before.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Nervous-Good9547

Published on: r/Marriage

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 18, 2026

• Update 1: May 19, 2026

• Update 2: May 20, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 18, 2026)

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My inlaws bought me a Fiat and that somehow led to finding out my husband had not only an affair, but a whole other family.

My husband (M38) and i (F36) have been together since highschool. We have two daughters 16yo and 14yo and 3 dogs. I work from home, he drives a truck for trips that last up to a week, then comes home, spends a couple of days then gets back on the road. This hasn't been so much of a problem since the pandemic when the company i work for, like many others, switched to the home office model. Even after we were able to go back to the office, i decided to keep working from home so i could be around the kids and honestly, without so many unnecessary meetings and interactions i could get my work done faster, i even started taking small marketing jobs on the side.

The way we manage finances at home is we split all bills and expenses in half and each gets to keep their money. Yes, we have a couple shared savings accounts, for emergencies, family trips etc. But other than putting in our share, we dont really bother asking the other what we do with our money. It wasn't always like this but it has been for a long time and i always thought that's just how our relationship progressed. Since it wasn't really an inconvenience i thought we were just two very independent individuals and our relationship works so why think about it too deep. Right?

Well, for the last year, my inlaws have been asking how my new electric car has been working out for me. At first i had only wonderful reviews, but later i started noticing some inconveniences and i shared them when they asked. I told them about needing to pay a subscription to use the navigating system, and at some point even the radio. I told them about the system updates taking very long and the car staying locked for the entire process. Also joked about needing to either park in the living room or moving the router to the garage for better wifi.

Anyways, my sweet inlaws worried i might need a reliant back up vehicle just in case. Two weeks ago they showed up in front of my house with a cute little Fiat. Used, but perfectly functional. I could tell they worried i wouldnt want to take such a gift because the first thing my FIL mentioned is how cheap it was, a bargain he couldnt pass. Such sweet gestures from them, always worrying about my girls and i being safe while their son is away always melt my heart. They've always been there looking out for us. I could never refuse. So i said thank you and took them for a ride.

Anyways. I have always lived for the flair. Every single vehicle i have owned has gotten a pink or purple paint job or been covered in stickers. Call me tacky or whatever i dont care, it brings me joy. So as soon as we got the keys to this cute little thing, my girls and i were off to get it wrapped. We got a smokey lavender wrap that sparks just a little in the sun. When my eldest saw it, she said "it's beautiful" like the millenial i am, i said "like diamonds". So we knew what was next. Bumper stickers. "THIS IS THE WRAP OF A K*LLER, BELLA," "Hold on tight, spidermonkey" and my favorite "Is she even italian?" Get it? Lol.

Anyways, if you're here still here even after cringing, let me tell you about the absolute meltdown my husband had when he saw the car. Something neither of us had ever seen before. And he has seen every vehicle i have owned my entire life. What was wrong? Well, that was fine when the cars were mine, but this one was purchased by his parents so technically it was his. I told him they bought it for me, gifted it to me, the title was in my name.

He said then, it was OURS. I said, okay i could understand that logic i guess but then still, why the meltdown. He said the car lost its resale value with everything i did to it. I said okay, it's a wrap. Also, no one is selling it so what? He said he already had a buyer, and we needed the money. Need the money? For what? As far as i know we're doing okay. Even if he told me he lost his job that very day, i have a job, some work on the side and we have savings.

We are doing okay given the current political climate and all that. What could be so bad that he needs to sell a car we didn't have until 2 weeks ago and never told me about it? Well folks, it wasn't a buyer. It was his other "wife" no kidding, he wont call her a mistress. She stalks us on social media and was tired of the "favoritism" so she threatened to tell everyone the truth unless he gave her the car. Why? Because his parents have never met her and she has never gotten anything from them like i have. Favoritism? Lady, we didn't even know you existed.

I learned they have a child too but i will not be talking about the child since it is not his fault so i will keep him out of this. In the end, me refusing to "sell" the car and my kids posting it on social media made her come out and DM us everything about their relationship with recepts and all. And i would say im still processing but im not. Im numb. Honestly, just posting to make sure it's not a dream. I feel angry, heartbroken, stupid, i question how I've lived so long without noticing or even suspecting anything. And all i can actually do is laugh while i cry real ugly.

Still don't know what to do first. Lawyer? Therapist? Inlaws? Do i even get to talk to them about this? He is their son, and they have a gandchild they didn't know about. I can't ask them to take my side even if there's a possibility they would, am i even allowed? My girls are devastated too. Our family, our lives, everything is upside down it feels unreal. And it all started with a little kawaii Fiat.

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COMMENTS

whatashame_13 >That is horrible!! Is he still trying to contact you? Did Ap reached out again! How did he reffer to her as other wife? > >OOP >>We fought over the car in the afternoon, she messaged me in the morning. Screenshots showed they argued all night over the car, she said "im not playing, I will tell her" and she did. I was making breakfast and he came when the fire alarm went off because I burnt the toast. When he saw my face he knew. He was talking but I couldnt hear him. I was shaking. Then he said something around "I had to take responsibility for my son," and at some moment he said "my second wife" idk what he was saying but I thought "second wife?" When did we get divorced for him to have a second wife? I told him to stop talking and leave. And then my kids came down screaming, she messaged them too. That's when I lost it. How dare she contact my children? I screamed too, he went upstairs to grab a bag. I screamed after him that he take everything he could because I would burn everything else. She kept on sending me photos and screenshots and at the time I got a message from my best friend so I told her what was happening and she came over. He was leaving as she pulled up. She kicked his car and he left. He sent me his live location from a motel. I didnt reply.

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Ttttequila >You must lawyer. He is a massive liar and nothing he has ever told you is true. Even the ‘truth’ of where he goes everyday is marred by lies. A whole other LIFE. > >Get your affairs in order and get out as best you can; this is a business transaction now. I’m so sorry. > >OOP >>We've been together since we graduated high school. So my entire life has been a lie. Everything I've ever said, like I married my high-school sweetheart and we've been eachother's first and only love. To being worried he's out there driving, has he eaten yet? Is he getting enough rest? What if he gets in an accident? To find out what he was actually doing while I was at home thinking I was holding down the fort like a caring understanding partner. I was only being fooled. >> >>Southern-Midnight741 >>>It’s interesting that it was his parent’s kind gesture that led to this discovery. >>> >>>Do his parents know about her now? >>> >>>OOP >>>>Im 99% sure they dont. They aren't good with social media so even if she tried to contact them they'd think it's a hacker or something. Plus, they haven't showed up. They are the type of people to call me if they drive by my house and they don't see one of my dogs. 1% they might know and felt so ashamed of the son they raised they went into an underground bunker.

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Negative_Till3888 >Where is your husband right now? I’m so curious. This is insane. I would talk to the in-laws soon so he doesn’t spin a narrative. > >OOP >>He's at a motel. I know because he sent me his location like it matters now. To my knowledge he has to work on Wednesday. But that is what I thought I knew about his work schedule. He always sent me pictures and videos of him on the road. What where they recycled? I can't imagine him prepping videos to send later when he's with his other family with?!

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reddpapad >Wow. Did he even apologize? Or explain his actions? Not that it matters I’m honestly flabbergasted at people who think they can get away with this. > >I’m so sorry. Best wishes for you and your girls. > >OOP >>I think he tried. I couldn't hear him. All while he talked, there was too much proof to deny. There are pictures, videos, entire conversations. All I could hear was a ringing in my ears and then I told him to please just leave and he did like he understood there was no going back from this. She did apologize, something like she was sorry but didn't want to live in the shadows anymore. I didn't say anything.

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Different_Nothing973 >Lawyer and in laws. Lawyer first then meet your in laws. If you are as close to them as it sounds they will support you. They sound like good people. Your soon to be ex husband however is garbage! What he did is disgusting and affects the whole family. And his mistress because she is in fact his mistress sounds nuts. > >OOP >>She said she was sorry, that she only told me because she didn't want to live in the shadows anymore. However, that doesn't explain why she stalked us on social media. That means she knew about us, and watched us closely, for what? Also, I understand not wanting to live in the shadows or whatever but then why over a car? Couldn't it be over ber kid or something more important? Also, why do I care about her when he is the one who hurt me. He is the one who broke his promise and my trust and our family and our hearts.

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Life_Wall2536 >How do you know she stalked your social medias? > >OOP >>Because of all the screenshots she sent. In their conversations she confronted him with pictures taken off my daughter's account. Not only of the car but also, my daughter posted when we took on ticket master for bts tickets. Which he and I also split. She complained about the things my girls get. Which, I dont think I need to explain but I still will. When I said we are okay financially, I didn't mean like we are rich, I meant we have our basic needs covered. The tickets, my daughters said they didn't want birthday parties or gifts. My daughter turned 16, and all she wanted was a ticket. The car, was a gift from their grandparents and it was out of concern my EV's reliability could depend on our wifi. Idk what kind of life he's living out there with her, but I work really hard to give my girls the best I can. Idk if she knew the entire context when she complained about favoritism and the car and the tickets.

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xoxogossipgirl2890 >Op how long has this been going on wtf?! > >OOP >>She sent pictures of the two of them with two children and said only the youngest is his but he helped raise the oldest so over 6 years at least. I dont know if they thought I'd give him credit for being a good step-dad, while I've been at home with his two daughters.

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OOP to a long comment >Thank you. Yes, he wanted to talk, but I asked him to leave. I do want a divorce. My best friend is helping me look for lawyers rn because I feel too numb. She said go to reddit so you can snap out of it. I think it is slowly working. My girls chose to go to school even though I told them they could take time off. They said he broke so many things he won't break their perfect attendance. I know they want to be out of the house and surrounded by their friends. I will call my in-laws tomorrow. Not today. Today I haven't even showered.

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Update 1 - after 1 day

^(May 19, 2026)

---

Update: My inlaws bought me a Fiat and that somehow led to finding out my husband had not only an affair, but a whole other family.

1. Took care of our savings accounts this morning. Moved half of our emergency fund first. When i got to the savings we have for leisure, vacations etc., he had already taken his half. Probably thought i would empty it and decided to make the first move. At least he only took half? I didn't touch the college savings accounts we have for our girls. There's penalties for withdrawal and other stuff to consider. I did print a statement to prove the amounts as of today in case he does anything.

2. Had meetings with two different lawyers and explained the situation. Both were very professional and reassuring. I will be contacting the one i chose later this afternoon to provide bank statements and other stuff.

3. Called my brother and told him what is going on. Wish i could say it was like in the movies where they drop everything and get on the first plane, but this is real life and he can't do that. He promised to stay in touch every day.

4. Yesterday my best friend took over my phone so she could reply to the other woman (seriously don't know what to call her in this situation). Anyways, i wasn't in the mood but my friend said we must ask all the questions now that she is willing to talk. Once he gets on the road he will probably make her his first stop and convince her not to say anymore. So she asked all the questions. So here it is :

They met 7 years ago, after she separated from the father of her first child. They started dating. He didn't interact with her son at first but he paid for the babysitter so they could go on dates. The pregnancy wasn't plnanned. When she revealed the pregnancy he revealed he was married. She said she would ask for child support.

He didn't want that because i would find out so he offered financial support and to stick around. He moved her out of her 1 bedroom to a 2 bedroom apartment. They have moved twice since. Her family doesn't know about the situation. They think he is a very discreet person not into social media. She was okay with their arrangement at first but she did draw comparisons about us living in a house while they live in an apartment, and i bought a new car a little over a year ago while he got her a used one. (I bought my own car btw so whatever little amount he spent on hers he didn't spend on mine so i should be the one upset here).

Our mortgage is still on for another 2 years so he promised once the house is paid for they can look for a better place. (Good luck with that, we could only afford this house because at the time we bought it he was in the military and got help getting the credit approved so he could live in the area. Prices weren't as high as they are now, this place wasn't yet gentrified and also I'VE BEEN PAYING MY HALF TOO).

So when she saw that my girls got concert tickets and his parents gave me a backup car, she felt wronged by him. She didn't mean to actually tell us at first but seeing him ignore her warning made her actually want to spill the tea. She said she knows it is wrong that she lurked on social media but she couldn't help it. I guess we got a lot of evidence from her. Everything is saved and conversation is exported.

I called my inlaws, they're coming over for dinner. I still don't know how I'll bring it up. I guess just rip it off like a bandaid.

That is all, maybe too little, maybe a lot. My best friend said things are falling into place but all i see is everything we've built crumbling.

Thank you all for your thoughtful advice. Next step is probably going to be getting us some therapy and to stay on top of the legal stuff.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

whatashame_13 >Did he try to reach out again in the morning? Did she try to reach out again? Did you talk to his parents? > >OOP >>I blocked him on my phone so he was blowing up the landline. I wasn't home, I was taking care of the bank accounts and went to see a couple of lawyers. He did leave a message saying he would go to work for a week and hopes we can talk when he gets back. My best friend talked to the other woman pretending to be me and got a lot of info while she was willing share. There i learnt that his work trips only take 5 days, not 8 like he's been telling me. Basically this man spends the same amount of time with them as he does with us.

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BurnerPhoneToronto >OP - Do you have a trusted friend or someone who can come and help you with making calls and appointments and sorting out the logistics? I can relate to the 'numb' feeling and how it makes it impossible to handle anything more than what you have going on. > >Sometimes you just need someone to take the reigns and tell you what to do for a minute while you catch your breath and process. I hope you have someone? > >Even if no - you've got this. You've been smart about money and keeping your independence so you and your kids will be ok because of your strength. It also sounds like you're not putting up with his crap which is also amazing. Your daughters are fortunate to have you to help them through this. What a shmuck (him). > >OOP >>Yes. My best friend came over the moment I told her what was happening. She got here as he was leaving for the motel and has stayed by my side. Her husband said she can stay as long as needed, but I won't abuse ofc. She helped me get dinner ready and picked up the girls from school yesterday, helped me make appointments with a couple of lawyers and accompanied me this morning to see them too. I also had to stop by the bank for some stuff I couldn't do on the apps, he took half of a savings account we had for leisure but didn't touch the others. I already moved my half of the money too and got a full record of all the transactions.

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Update 2 - after 2 days (after 1 day from last post)

^(May 20, 2026)

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Update 2: My inlaws bought me a Fiat and that somehow led to finding out my husband had not only an affair, but a whole other family.

Talked to the in-laws. They were shocked. My MIL had a harder time believing it was real. It's not like she called me a liar she just kept on reciting my sentences back to me as a question, like she couldn't make sense of it. i don't blame her. FIL was the first to start reproaching his behavior and the way she did things, the fact that she contacted the girls made him so upset i worried for his health.

After i told them how everything went down, the fight over the car, her contacting us, him leaving to a motel etc., I told them about the info i gathered from her. How long it's been going on, where they live, all that.

They were honest. They told me my girls and I will always be their family. They understand there's no going back from this, they would never advice me to try to work it out. They said I have their support in everything regarding this situation, our divorce, that I could rely on them for anything I need. But they also were clear that at the end of the day he is their son so as disappointed as they are in him and don't even want to see him right now, they can't lie and say they'll cut him off. That he is their son and they hope i can understand that they wont disown him. As for the other grandson, they haven't met him in almost 7 years, they can wait until our separation is final. They don't want contact with the other woman, even if one day they get to meet the boy, what she did, messing with someone else's children, is unforgivable in their books. They said they'll cross that bridge when it comes to it, but as of now, they won't create more conflict. Also for my girls, they want them to know their grandparents will always be on their side.

I feel very grateful to them. I can't say I'll be relying on them as much as i used to. But we wont become strangers either. I can understand them not cutting off their son, and i appreciate their honesty, because they didn't lie to me about kicking him to the curb only for me to find out he's moving in with them or something.

=====Also on a second note, some of you mentioned getting STD tests. On it. already booked an appointment. Although this may be tmi, we've used protection for the last 8 years. And guys, i think he gaslit me into thinking it was for me. See, i had some issues with birth control and at some point he, a very caring husband said since he isn't home most of the time, it wasn't fair for me to be the one pumping all those hormones into my body. He could be the one to use protection, not a vasectomy because we were too young and we might want another baby later though. I really felt so cherished. Thinking of the timeline, that's probably when he thought of cheating and that was the best way for me to not find out. Anyways, I will be getting tested but it is kind of funny how when the drain gets unclogged all the shit comes out.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA_anothertwo

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 06, 2025

• Final Update: May 17, 2026

---

Main Post

^(July 06, 2025)

---

My (M26) Wife (22F) wants to make things work after things with her AP (M48) aren’t going great. How do we go about rebuilding trust?

Just to skim through our background; My wife and I have been in a relationship for just over 2.5 years, married 6 months. My wife cheated on me ~2 months ago, and was planning to divorce me for the AP. I only found out about the AP last week, I thought the divorce talks were just personal failings of mine and stuff I needed to work on. She moved out earlier this week (framed as a trial separation before divorce) and we’ve kept in low contact since then. However, we had a mental check in to see how we’re doing tonight since things were kinda messy during the last days. Turns out, AP’s not so good now that I know about the affair and there’s not any adrenaline anymore. He keeps talking about how he’s been with better women, and how he could still pull better women. She regrets leaving, and wants to end things with him and work on our marriage again.

As things are, we are currently planning on working it out. I said I still wanted to work it out after I discovered the affair and before she moved out. I’m ok with the concept of non-monogamy. We had long-term plans to open up sometime next year, and eventually hope for a triad down the line. For me, it’s more so the matter that it happened before we agreed on officially opening, and it was with a person who I said at the very first discussion was on my NO list. Yes, a boundary was crossed, but we both needed to work on a lot. Yes, I have an individual therapy appointment set up for Tuesday to work on myself mentally, and also why I’m more ok with everything than I thought I would be. Yes, we will be getting couples counseling if we do end up getting back together.

So, we both want to give it a go again, but everything’s kinda fucked now that she officially moved out. Since her original plan was that they were gonna get in a relationship after our divorce, AP is the co-signer on her lease, spent ~$8K on furniture for her / their new apartment, and was gonna be paying for part of her rent. If she tried to break things off with him, he has a key, could take all the furniture back, and she wouldn’t be able to pay for the rent on her own. And that’s just on the logistics side.

The main part I’m mentally stuck on is, they hooked up 3 times total before she moved out. That went up to 4 times 3 days after she moved out. After she told me she wants to work things out, she got high and it went up again to 5 times total. We agreed on giving her a month to end the situation with him / tell him that she wants to work things out with me, but she’s also said there’s a chance that number could still go up again before that month ends because she has no idea how to end things with him since he’s so involved in the new apartment. Part of me understands that, but part of me is also very not ok with that. More shit to work on in therapy.

I know most of the advice I’m probably gonna get is “leave her”, but at least currently, we both want to make it work. Any advice on what to do going forward would be appreciated. Mainly ways that she could end things with him, and ways that we could begin to mend trust.

TLDR; Wife had an affair, moved out to start a life with him, and is having regrets after not even a week. We both want to make things work, but he’s tied up in her new apartment as a co-signer. What are some ways she could go about ending the relationship with him, and what are some ways we could go about rebuilding our relationship?

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

lofi_drone >If you have no kids, I can't imagine trying to get back. It wasn't a one time mistake; it was a series of choices. She was out the door and ready to leave you! She only wants you as a safe haven now that her other choice flopped. She doesn't want you! She wants the safe life! Respect yourself and stand tall. Move on!

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ThanosSupporter3000 >This might be one of the most pathetic posts I’ve ever seen on Reddit. > >You all need help.

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coolexecs >TBH you both need to leave this poor kid alone. She's a mess. She needs therapy and time to figure out who she is and what she wants.

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Final update - after 10 months

^(May 17, 2026)

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UPDATE: My (M27) Wife (23F) wants to make things work after things with her AP (M49) aren’t going great

Dang, I was deep in the denial stage when I wrote part 1, huh? I was already in therapy at that point as some comments suggested, but was still quite early into it. Still really desperate to save a relationship that I should’ve given up on way earlier. It’s wild to read that now and see what I was willing to let myself be put through. And then seeing how much I still let myself be put through after that initial post.

Welp, I am happy to report that I finally gave up! It still took me way longer than it should’ve to pull the plug, but the plug has been pulled. We had a final talk in December (See paragraph 1), where I finally said enough was enough. We had already filed at that point, and were just waiting for the court date. And currently we’re 4 months past our divorce being officially finalized.

I do have some fun details I could get into. How her AP apparently has 2 other side chicks besides her, how my ex and AP were planning a trip to Vegas while she was telling me she was going to actually take time to herself, or how she keeps breaking no contact post divorce to ask if I’m starting some drama or another, to just scratch the surface. But there’s kinda not really a point(?). I’m in a significantly better relationship now with someone who actually values me, and not the money I could spend on her, and now I get to have dates where we make Pokémon teams for characters in the DND podcast we both listen to.

Like, there’s not really a point in getting into all the tomfuckery with my ex cause I’m in an objectively happier situation now. And frankly, it wouldn't be worth the brain power to reopen those. I'd much rather spend that energy thinking about my new GF. This just feels like the final line to write in the story between me and my ex, so I’m writing it so I can permanently close it.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

AllInkalicious >Good for you! Very happy for you and your better future. > >I’m curious about one thing though. When you were dragged over the coals about reconciling in those insane circumstances, did you consider there was truth in there or just angry strangers venting while not being in your shoes? > >OOP >>Bit of both? There were probably some coming from a place of genuinely trying to get me to see it, but there were also some that were definitely not. Optimistically, some were just more blunt about it than others, but even the blunt-est ones are semi-funny to read back on now and see how far it's all come. >> >>I was trying to listen to all of them too, cause like. I think once I found out about the cheating, there was always a part of me that knew we probably weren't gonna come back from it? You can probably even see that when I said "I know most of the advice I’m probably gonna get is “leave her”" in the first. Because deep down, I did know that was the right answer. But like. You read a post or two about a couple that did work it out and came back stronger, and you're desperate for that to be your story too when you're actually in it. Especially when it's still really fresh. Like, I made that first post 5 days after I found out about the cheating, and 3 days after she moved out then immediately was regretting it. Very, very, deep in denial, and still had a lot to work through. I can forgive myself for that

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CorgiManDan >Good for you. If you live in Hawaii, Mississippi, North Carolina, South Dakota, Utah, or Illinois, I'd sue for Alienation of Affection. > >OOP >>Alas, a no-fault divorce state. Ended up being a clean break with no ties in either direction. Wrapped it up on the very first court date, which is probably the best I could ask for

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/davidb1976

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 05, 2025

• Final Update: May 18, 2026

---

Main Post

^(December 05, 2025)

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My girlfriend (25F) admitted she slept with someone hours before agreeing to be exclusive. I (26M) can’t tell if I’m overreacting. What’s the move here?

My girlfriend of 2 years and I were recently having one of those drunk tell me something shocking conversations. Everything was lighthearted until she dropped something that completely rewrote the origin story of how we became a couple, something I’ve always held as a romantic and somewhat dramatic beginning.

A little over a month into dating, I told her I wanted to be exclusive. Up to that point, everything between us, her behavior, our connection, the way she talked about us, made me feel like she was on the same page. But during that conversation, she suddenly got overwhelmed, said she needed to leave, and basically walked out. I was confused and pretty upset. I went home thinking maybe that was it.

A few hours later, she called, said she wanted to talk, and drove to my place. That night, outside my apartment, in the rain, she told me she did want to be in a committed relationship, and that she had just needed time to “meditate” and collect her thoughts. I took it as a cinematic beginning to our relationship.

That entire story changed during our recent drunk conversation.

She told me that she didn’t go home to reflect, she left to go have sex with a dude. Apparently she met this guy at a party the week we first started going out. They hooked up and the sex was apparently good enough that she had been hitting him up every few days after. My gf is usually pretty blunt but this one hurt to hear, especially in context.

According to her, when I brought up exclusivity, she suddenly realized that if she agreed on the spot, she wouldn’t be able to sleep with him anymore without it being cheating. So she got up, left without an explanation, went to his place, and they had sex for a few hours to get it out of her system. Afterward, she drove straight to my place to officially start our relationship.

She says this wasn’t cheating because TECHNICALLY SPEAKING we weren’t exclusive yet. She also said she never felt guilty about it but didn’t say anything until now because she didn’t want to ruin “the mythology” I’d built around our relationship origin story. A story that I loved bringing up whenever people ask us how we met.

I honestly feel completely blindsided. Even if this wasn’t cheating in the strictest technical sense, it feels like a massive betrayal. It was the fact that she effectively scheduled one last hookup before agreeing to be with me. It makes the beginning of our relationship feel tainted, and it makes me question how she views commitment and honesty.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

ezagreb >She obviously didn’t feel about you the way you felt about her now that might’ve changed in the interim period but that’s the question you should be asking yourself > >OOP >>I suppose that’s what’s been going through my mind since. She is a very sex positive person and just sees sex as something fun people do. So I know this wasn’t a huge value judgement on me she made here by choosing some fun with him at that point.

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RedplazmaOfficial >Ya no id be done. It was so important to her to do that i doubt shes stopped thinking about it even with you now. > >OOP (downvoted) >>Per her, once she’s with someone she’s with them, she doesn’t see herself as a cheater type. I suppose if you consider that evening in the rain the official start, she’s been loyal.

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Valuable-Marzipan761 >Ah that's brutal. The fact is that the sex was so superior that she needed to squeeze one last session in. I'd bail. > >OOP >>We hadn’t had sex at that point, so I don’t think there was a comparison taking place on sex quality then. But yeah, I have had some insecurity thinking about how GOOD it must have been to hit him up in that moment. Honestly haven’t wanted to probe her on that point, would rather not know if that was what brought her back to him. >> >>molson5972 >>>I would also be upset that she meets a dude at the bar and is having sex with him every couple of days. But she made you wait a month plus. This to me would be a major incompatibility about sex and being perceived as a “guy you can have a family with” compared to someone she sexually desires so much. OP has your sex life been active these last 2 years? >>> >>>OOP >>>>She has a high sex drive and we have a great sex life. No concerns on that front. But yeah she did make me wait at the beginning as a relationship check to see how serious I was. Although I wouldn’t really judge her if she was sleeping around in the first week or so when we barely knew each other. Just wish I didn’t find out about this now tbh.

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Sweaty_Knee_7425 >That would be a dealbreaker for me. > >People get so wound up on "technically we weren't exclusive" but I personally wouldn't want to be with someone who was fine with hurting me, didn't give a shit about my feelings, as long as they could get off on a technicality. > >feelinjustpeachyyy >>Perfectly said. There’s something really gross about this girl’s reasoning to me, like she just had to squeeze one last passionate bang with someone else before being “tied down” to OP. I wouldn’t be able to get over this personally. And also if she truly is so sex positive and this wasn’t a big deal to her, why did she feel the need to hide it from him for so long? >> >>OOP >>>I would like to note that she really hasn’t taken this as someone who got caught on hiding something. No guilt since in her mind there wasn’t any cheating and it doesn’t really change the fact that we “officially” began exclusively dating later that night. >>> >>>If anything she’s taken the attitude of a gf whose boyfriend found out her ex had a big dick or something. Like it’s in the past and it’s an insecurity if I ruminate on it.

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wh0wants2kn0w (OOP mentions this comment in update) >How sure r you that this is the full story? Could her plan A have been the other person? Is it possible that she went to see him, had sex, asked him if he wanted to be exclusive, he said no, so she came back to you? > >OOP >>I legitimately hadn’t even thought of this.

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Long_Cause_9428 >Did you guys have sex after she said yes to you? > >OOP >>No we did not, she went home after. Hindsight 20/20 I’m glad we didn’t, would have made me look back at our first time together a lot differently. But on the other hand now I’m thinking that she didn’t want sex because she had already gotten some. I dunno not vibing with any of it right now.

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ThrowRA-SuperCod9654 >Trying to be open minded and helpful here because this exclusivity thing comes strangely to me. To me, I wouldn't have been ok with her sleeping with other people at all while we were dating, unless it was very clear that that was the arrangement, were you ok with it? I think the fact she doesn't think it was a big deal, would show me that we were on very different pages. On the other hand, if she's been the perfect girlfriend since, it's maybe not worth throwing that away over this. Only you can really decide that. I don't think I'd be able to get past it, it just seems like she used a technicality to sleep with someone else and that wouldn't sit well with me, or I suspect most other people. I'd explain how you feel and ask if she'd really be ok if the rules were reversed. > >OOP >>I wasn’t aware she was sleeping with the dude at all until now. But I was hardly under the impression she was exclusive to me after the first date, hence me trying to have the conversation a month in. I wouldn’t have been bothered by finding out the dude existed if their last time had been before that convo and this weird timing thing didn’t happen.

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Final update - after 5.5 months

^(May 18, 2026)

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UPDATE: My girlfriend (25F) admitted she slept with someone hours before agreeing to be exclusive. I (26M) can’t tell if I’m overreacting. What’s the move here?

I wasn't planning to come back to this. I posted the original mostly because I was going in circles in my own head and couldn't find a single thread on here that exactly matched what I was dealing with. But when I logged back in I was surprised to see how many people saw the post, and honestly the DMs alone were enough to make me type this out. Also found out the post got picked up on other sites which is a weird feeling. Typing this out on phone if formatting is weird I will fix later.

We broke up. A little over a month after the post. I ended it.

For a while it felt like a mistake. Not a I miss her way, more like a constant worry if I'd just let some insecure macho part of my brain torch a two year relationship over something that was actually acceptable. She wasn't a bad girlfriend in many ways. The relationship wasn't bad. That made it harder for me to be honest. I’ve got experience in dumping solidly bad girlfriends.

What actually happened in that month was a cycle. We'd argue about the hookup, eventually get somewhere that felt like real understanding, and then some random thing would surface it again and we'd be back at zero. The back and forth quickly got annoying and toxic.

But that's not what ended it. Something a few commenters mentioned in the original thread stuck with me. A specific detail I had touched on but hadn't really thought through. I did eventually bring it up to her directly and she answered honestly, which I'll give her credit for.

Before they had sex, she had asked him whether he saw any future between them. Not as a condition to sleeping with him apparently, but just probed to double check if he was up for that.

He said no and that he was just looking for casual sex. She slept with him anyway, drove to my apartment later that night, and told me she wanted to be with me.

I sat with that for a long time. On paper it changes nothing about the timeline everyone discussed in the last post. She still came back. She still chose to be with me afterwards. But something about the sequence of it just hollowed me out. She went to him first to get a no before choosing me. Not to mention the whole idea of me sitting at my apartment when this all went down.

Although on that point just to be clear, I’m not a little nice guy and him some sexed up alpha male like some of you guys in the DMs were describing haha. I’m perfectly confident, having honestly gotten too much info from my ex when we talked, that this was simply just another dude in the lineup that she wanted more than me.

But all this resulted in me feeling less like a guy she had wanted and desired, and started me feeling like a second place trophy. That's probably the most honest way I can put it.

For what it's worth, I don't think she's a bad human being. I really don't. But we clearly had completely different wiring around what commitment means and when it starts mattering. She didn't think what she did was a big deal and also seemed to undervalue the emotional value of sex in general in the post relationship analysis I’ve been thinking over.

Breakup itself was painful. She took it hard initially but seems to be doing fine now, seemingly better than me from what I’ve heard from a mutual. I've been pretty numb these last few months. Not in a worrying way to be clear, just going through the motions and it’s getting better every day. I've had bad breakups before and I know what the other side of one looks like, so I'm not too concerned.

A few people from the original post left some genuinely kind comments and I wanted to thank you for that.

I think the thing I keep coming back to is pretty simple. I just want to be someone's first choice. Hopefully that's out there somewhere.

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COMMENTS

becooldocrime >That’s tough, but you absolutely made the right decision. I would feel sick at the thought of that, particularly what would have happened if he hadn’t rejected her. > >OOP >>You worded what I was trying to say in my post even better than I did haha. Like if he said yes would there have even been any effort to ping me for another check in? >> >>When we argued this she tried to tell me that if he said yes then she would have had to really think it over and probably would have chosen me. But I came to realize that was total BS. >> >>Odd_Instruction519 >>>If he had said yes, she'd be with him. But he didn't. Life is full of those little accidents. It doesn't mean she's less into you now. >>> >>>Most people though have the brains to keep quiet about such things. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Hey I get it, I’ve gotten into relationships where I had to close of some half started things I had going on myself. I think when I got into those relationships though, it felt like I was jumping into something more exciting than what the side activity offered me. >>>> >>>>Clearly she didn’t see me this way when we met. Also we aren’t together anymore if that wasn’t clear haha

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Ecstatic-Reply-3356 >Sometimes it isn't a matter or right or wrong, but rather what you're personally ok with and able to live with. So sorry this all went down the way it did, but it honestly sounds like this might be for the best for both of you. All the best in your ongoing healing! > >OOP >>A healthy angle on this. I’ve been trying to take this one. I’m sure she will take a lot of heat in the minds of people who read the post for something plenty of dudes wouldn’t give a shit about. No diss to them at all, I just didn’t want to stay with her given this information.

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cmhwsu02 >I was in your same spot. At about the same age. It will get much better. Just be sure to do the self analysis that time allows. I wish I had done more. You really need to make sure you grow from this. Were there warning signs with her that you missed and why did you miss them????? Very important. Just take the time for self reflection and get better at all of the mistakes that were made....and then....it will be time to be back out there. > >OOP >>In retrospect, I think she telegraphed that she really wanted to keep having fun in her 20s and have hookups rather than be in something more committed. Other than that maybe more time will tell.

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Safe_Abroad7506 >I’ll be honest man I gave up a long time ago thinking that I’m the only dude a girl talks to before the official/exclusive stage. And before I used to be angry but then I accepted it. There always a reason why someone decides to lock it down with you. A little bit of a gray area however you know that you weren’t exclusive so it is what it is. At that point in time you guys weren’t official and honestly unless there was a baby involved or a possible std she should’ve just kept that to herself. Now I will say that it’s a gray area because if you’re planning on locking it down with someone especially if it’s something you’re gonna do in the next couple of days then you really shouldn’t be sleeping around with other people because that creates a lot of unnecessary problems and drama. Versus a situation where she so happened to hookup with someone when she just started talking to you. But hey people are people. > >OOP >>Honestly in the months since all this went down I’ve come to not really worry about the idea of her having sex with the guy as much as it was clear I was the settled for second choice. >> >>Like her sleeping with the dude just signaled to me that he was clearly the goal those days we were moving towards exclusivity. I don’t know if you saw my other comment, but near the end we argued about whether if he had said yes if it would have been a choice between us in her head or an automatic text to me ending what we had. >> >>Now, I feel like after 2 years I would have gotten an over the top “Of course I would have thought it over and chose you!”, but she said she probably would have had to think about it, and she isn’t sure how she would have chosen back then. Which is kinda BS to me because she fucked the guy on a “no”.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwra_notrad

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Previous BORUs:

• BORU-1 by u/SharkEva - June 11, 2025

• BORU-2 by u/dualportaldestinies - August 17, 2025

Story timeline

• Main Post: June 04, 2025

• Update 1: June 10, 2025

• Update 2: August 17, 2025

• Update 3: May 02, 2026 [NEW UPDATE]

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Main Post

^(June 04, 2025)

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AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a trad wife then she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when asked?

I’m 35 and my wife is 40. We’ve been together 15 years. The last couple of years she’s really fell down the trad wife black hole and it’s driving me crazy. At first it started off with her saying she doesn’t want to work anymore and lately it has escalated to saying men who make their wives work are abusive.

We both have well paid jobs. I’m a self employed builder with a team and earn around £100k a year. She works in management for the NHS and earns around £50k a year. We both work (I guess I should say worked for her) really hard and have no kids and three years ago managed to pay our mortgage off and lived in a nice enough area where I would have happily stayed forever. She however suddenly wanted a massive house that we didn’t need. I should have saw what was coming. She was looking at £700k houses which would require a mortgage of £500k after we sold our house.

I gave in and we bought a house. She then wanted a new car which again I caved to and she got a car that is worth more than she earns a year. She then decided she didn’t want to work anymore. She said her job was crap and I said take a lower paid one then that you’ll enjoy more. She said no. She just doesn’t want to work full stop. She also doesn’t want to give up anything she has. Over the past couple of years it has been obvious she is trying to lose her job without leaving despite me saying that I can’t afford the house and car and holidays on my own.

She started bringing this trad wife crap up but said she’d want to hire a cleaner as the house is too big for her to clean alone and she prefers my cooking to hers so I’ll still do all the cooking! So I said you basically want to dress up pretty and bake the odd cake. She stormed off and said I don’t get it.

She again brought it up yesterday and I said fine she can do it but she’s got to get up before me and make sure my breakfast is ready like in the videos she watches. she’s got to be dressed as a sexy version of a 50s housewife like in the videos she watches from the moment I open my eyes to the moment I close them. The house must be spotless at all times like in the videos she watches. I want huge packed lunches for work like in the videos she watches. I want to come home and have beautiful pies and cakes ready for pudding like in the videos she watches. I want a bath ran for when I get in and then come down to a proper meal every night like in the videos she watches. I then want a foot rub while I eat the cakes and pies she makes like in the videos she watches. I also want sex on demand, how I want it when I want it, like in the videos she watches.

She called me abusive, a user, sexist etc and stormed out to her equally delusional sisters house (don’t get me started on her). I’ll be honest I’m ready for divorce if this carries on.

AITAH?

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COMMENTS

Casual-J >Get the divorce, mate. It’ll be cheaper and less stressful than dealing with a crazy wife every minute of the day and night. It’s not about the ’tradwife’ lifestyle, she simply doesn’t want to work. She merely wants to sit on her backside, enjoy the things she has badgered you into paying for, and do nothing. There is a lot of this kind of crazy going around. It won’t get any better either. What will it be next? Vacations on the French Riviera? A bigger, nicer, (more expensive) car? The list goes on and on. > >OOP >>I am leaning this way mate. I think a divorce is more likely than anything else at this moment in time. Luckily she’s afraid of flying so I’ve managed to avoid the expensive holidays apart from the odd Eurostar trip to Paris. She’s makes me feel like a ten pound millionaire though trying to be something we aren’t. I know we are better off than most but we don’t earn footballers money which is what I think she aspires to. >> >>JediFed >>>You were crazy to agree to the 700k house. You'll be ok, but it makes things so much tougher. If she wanted that, why not save up with the old house and then work up to the new one and both of you work together? >>> >>>OOP >>>>That’s what I suggested. With my job we could have bought a cheese house, done it up and made some money and then moved upwards slowly and stayed debt free. I have modified our house a bit and it’s probably worth £800k now but it’s still not a nice feeling having such a big mortgage and knowing she wants me to cover it alone.

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shyfidelity (downvoted) >It’s so weird that “trad wife” is even enough of a thing to inspire so many weird fake posts > >OOP >>Ok mate. For the record I have no problem with stay at home partners. It’s the expectations of my wife I have a problem with. And also her gullibility for falling for the stupid TikTok videos.

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Delicious-Charity334 >Definitely not the AH. Could y'all go for marital counseling or sum? > >OOP >>I’ve asked she is not interested in the slightest.

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Medical-Pie-1481 >You have no kids, escape quick before there's a 'sunrise pregnancy' and you're trapped > >OOP >>We haven’t had sex for a year I doubt that surprise will be happening lol.

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Horrorbbscreams >I don’t have any issue with a woman wanting to be a trad wife and wanting to stay home and be soft and feminine I guess, but she does have to contribute to the relationship somehow and correct me if I’m wrong but doesn’t being a trad wife entail domestic contribution? Cooking and cleaning are part of the role no? > >I take a lot more issue with her desire to spend all your money to live above your means AND not contributor in any meaningful way. > >She doesn’t want to be a trad wife she wants to be a sugar baby. Divorce her and set her free. Let’s see if she successfully finds herself the sugar daddy of her dreams. > >OOP >>I agree with you completely. I have no problem with it if it’s an affordable lifestyle. If we stayed at our old house I could afford it. Now we have a £2500 a month mortgage and £700 car payments! That’s 32k a year straight away! >> >>I think she wants to be a sugar baby but I don’t want to be a sugar daddy! I want an equal partner.

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Medusa-1701 >So what you mean to say is that you pay yourself a salary of 100k per year, being self-employed, and you invest the rest back into the business, correct? How much does your actual business make? I'm curious to know that yearly number. How successful is your business? You must be making a profit, yes, if you take such a large salary!?? I'm just curious to know more. > >OOP >>Once the lads are paid, the rent on the yard is paid, the bills are paid I’ll split what’s left and pay myself half and leave the other half in the business. Some years i earn £70k, last year I earned around £150k. May was a bad month however due to a job that should have brought in around 50k, the last payment of a 150k job, have told me they have gone bust. So the lads got paid, the bills got paid, I didn’t get paid. >> >>The business account has just shy of £700k in it

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Update 1 - after 6 days

^(June 10, 2025)

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UPDATE: AITAH for saying if my wife want to be a tradwife she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when asked?

I’d like To answer a few questions from my first post before an update.

No my requests were not serious and I can’t believe how many people thought they were. It was me trying to prove a point of how ridiculous she is being. Like I said in the comments I don’t want a maid or a slave I want a partner.

Before my wife got on this train she was a very ambitious, career driven person who wanted to climb to the top. She was never really on social media until the pandemic. The trad wife thing started a couple of years ago.

A lot of people suggested couples counselling. I’ve asked many times and always get the same response “I don’t need counselling there’s nothing wrong with me”.

On to the update. We spoke Saturday morning and I told her that I can’t go on like this. I said to her bluntly the trad wife thing is never happening and she either accepts it and we go to couples counselling or we split up. I’m don’t dancing around her bullshit. She chose to split up. I asked her if she even really wanted to be a trad wife or if she’s just trying to force me away, like she’s trying to force her job to sack her because she doesn’t have the balls to quit herself. She said yes she does and there’s plenty of dating sites that cater to this dynamic. I told her I’d seen them and they are more sugar daddy dynamics and without being horrible she’s too old for that.

This set her off. She said I’m wrong and that I’m the one who can’t support my wife so I’m the bad one in the marriage and a real man would be able to give her the life she wants. She was shouting and screaming this at the top of her lungs. It’s about the only time I’ve been glad to be in our new house so the neighbours didn’t hear. I got a bit petty at the real man comment and said “you can’t cook, you can’t clean and you don’t have sex, what part of being a trad wife do you offer?” I then stole a comment from my last post and said she doesn’t want to be a trad wife she wants to be a trophy wife.

She just said I’m unbelievable and has gone to her sisters again. I’m going to take the next couple of weeks and start talking to a divorce lawyer to see what this entails. Then once this ball has got rolling I’m fucking off to Portugal for a couple of weeks to myself.

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COMMENTS

Marine_olive76 >Yeah, you two are just not compatible. Good luck with your journey towards finding your other half, who will actually discuss things with you instead of name-calling and gas-lighting. > >OOP >>Agreed. It’s heartbreaking. I miss the woman my wife was so much. She was an inspiration to me. >> >>abzhanson >>>That's so sad :( was there anything you can think of that might have triggered her change? >>> >>>OOP >>>>The pandemic when she started spending all day on social media and then seeing her niece make half a million a year from onlyfans. It turned her bitter.

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Lambsenglish >Trying to be a trad wife in the UK? Social media will destroy us all. > >DuckSaxaphone >>I mean none of this is real right? >> >>If it is, she's had a mental crisis of some kind and needs help. This isn't even just obnoxious idiot behaviour. It's manic destruction of her entire life, sabotaging her career and marriage. >> >>OOP >>>Ive offered her tons of help. She isn’t interested. Shes been watching too much Tik Tok and seen her niece making half a million a year from onlyfans and thinks the world suddenly owes her a living and a lifestyle. Shes bitter because she works (worked) hard and sees all these people living a fake life on social media and has fallen for it. This isn’t mental health problem it’s a bitterness and jealousy problem.

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Truewitch26 (downvoted) >She changed her views and communicated that to you and chose to split up. I don’t get what you are bitter about tbh… > >OOP >>I’m bitter I lost the woman I love. I’m bitter we took a half a million pound mortgage only for her to announce a couple of months later she no longer wants to work and I’ve got to shoulder that responsibility alone to keep a roof over our heads. I’m bitter that when I said I wasn’t comfortable with that I was labelled an abuser. >> >>tender_abuse >>>what parts of her personality made you fall in love when she's obviously a selfish narcissistic dumbass >>> >>>not trying to be snarky, genuinely curious, it's scary to think these personality traits could be hidden until you're well into a marriage >>> >>>OOP >>>>She was loving, funny, sweet, kind, fun, ambitious, work hard play hard woman, she was daring and confident. The pandemic came, she spent all day watching videos on her phone and just became really bitter with life and people.

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Truewitch26 (downvoted) >Well, I see your point but you said she was changing for years. Especially because economic crisis hit I can see that she tries for a different approach. Maybe you asked a bit too much of what she could handle. > >OOP >>I didn’t ask anything. She asked for more. She wanted a bigger house and a nicer car. She’s the one who wanted to stop having sex and said if she ever wanted ANY physical contact she’d initiate and I’m not allowed to. She’s the one who asked for everything. I never asked for anything.

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XxxDarkSasukexx >In my opinion, in this situation he should tell everyone that can understand his side of the story before she does. > >Because when she WILL label him as an abuser to other, he's done. > >OOP >>I’ve got 100s of messages and links she’s sent me saying exactly what she wants to do with her life so she can’t lie about me for long.

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laurenj1992 >She just wants everything handed to her on a plate without effort! You’ll be carrying all the weight and she thinks that’s normal. She provides nothing a “tradwife” does, not one single thing. Cooking, cleaning, children, intimacy are all non existent so I just don’t get it. Chances are it’s a midlife crisis brought on by doomscrolling the net for too long! > >She’ll end up in a crappy flat, on universal credit benefits, which commitments to actively search for work or be cut off. I’m sure being with you and pulling her weight is a far better option. Is she even attractive? Does she even bother with her appearance like a “tradwife” does? > >OOP >>She used to be very attractive but, I feel awful saying this, she’s had a lot of lip fillers, Botox, fake boobs and she’s lost a lot of her looks. I look at photos of her from 4-5 years ago and she was glowing with happy eyes and a beautiful smile. Now it’s all gone. I look at her twin sister, who she calls old looking, and I think she looks so fresh.

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Update 2 - after 74 days (after 68 day from last post)

^(August 17, 2025)

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UPDATE 2: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a tradwife she always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when I ask?

I’m 35 my ex wife is 40 and we have no kids.

About two and a half months ago I posted about my wife leaving me because I refused to live the tradwife lifestyle.

In my original post I mentioned the big house and car she got me in debt for over half a million pounds and then decided she didn’t want to work anymore.

Starting with the car. After she left I took half our savings and half the money in our joint account and put it in my own bank account. I told her to take the rest (around £60k) and she can either pay off the car with the money or keep the money and I’ll take the car back as it’s in my name. She said neither she’s keeping both. This has been a struggle that ended with me having to ring the police to assist me in taking the car back. I got there and the police were already there. My ex was crying, the two police officers looked at me like I was a piece of shit, my sister in law was shouting “yeah take her independence and go back to your mansion while she sleeps in the spare room” the neighbours were all out looking. I very nearly caved and told her to just keep it but it’s £1.5k a month I can’t warrant. I took it, sold it, and had to pay £12000 difference in what I owed on it. I’ll be honest I was expecting worse.

Now the house. We paid £700k for it with 200 down. I’ve spent about 100 on it doing it up and when I got valued I was pleasantly surprised at £1m and even more surprised that within two weeks of it going on the market it’s sold to one of my neighbours! A lovely Indian family who had asked me to work on their house but they said it’s just easier to move in to mine! They do however want me to build a granny annexe on the side once they’ve completed the purchase. That’ll be another couple of months yet but we’ll both walk away with around £250k each and I’ll be looking to buy a house for around £200k so I’ll be back to mortgage free and debt free in a couple of months!

On to my wife. She’s still living at her sisters and as far as I’m aware hasn’t found anyone who wants a 40 year old tradwife who doesn’t cook, clean, or have sex. She has asked me back twice but I’ve said no. One was a drunken proposition the other one more heartfelt. It’s too late now though. We’ve already started the divorce proceedings and that should be done early next year.

All I’ve been doing is working and plodding along. Nothing else I really can do. I thought I’d update because I still get 10-20 messages a week asking how I’m doing and I really appreciate it. Thank you so much.

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COMMENTS

313378008135 (downvoted) >Taking half the money before the divorce financial remedy settlement isn't wise. > >If she spends her half completely and rocks up to financial remedy hearing with nothing to her name, she's still entitled to half of what's in husband's account as it was earned as a matrimonial asset. Doesn't matter who spent what before the hearing. Its what's available in the pot and what debt there is on the day of the hearing, along with future housing needs. > >OOP >>Here in the uk I’ve been assured that the documents we signed when we split are legally binding and cannot be contested.

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Firecracker048 >>On to my wife. She’s still living at her sisters and as far as I’m aware hasn’t found anyone who wants a 40 year old tradwife who doesn’t cook, clean, or have sex. > >Wants the benefits, none of the work > >OOP >>As someone said on my other post. She wants to be a trophy wife not a trad wife.

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mynameisnotsparta >NTA. > >Glad that you unwound yourself but sorry it had to come to this. > >Is her sister a housewife? Does her sister work? Have money? > >I have been reading your posts and comments and have to say that what your wife saw on social media is what people want her to see. People drop videos and build a brand to monetize it. Those trad wives on TikTok? They work at and have assistants, etc. > >OOP >>Sister is a single mum who lives on benefits. >> >>TurkeyBLTSandwich >>>when do you think your former sister in law will start getting your ex to starting paying her share? especially when she finds out she has about 310k euros just sitting in a bank account? >>> >>>OOP >>>>Knowing my sister in law that is why she took my sister in.

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Moondiscbeam >I hate to ask, but has she seen a doctor or examined because this seems like erratic behaviour. > >OOP >>Yeah she’s been for all sorts of tests etc and all clear. >> >>Moondiscbeam >>>Including a tumor? Goodness, she is just stupid then. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Yep full health scan. I did it under the guise of we need it doing for life insurance on the big house. She came up completely clean.

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NEW UPDATE

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Update 3 - after 11 months (after 8.5 months from last post)

^(May 02, 2026)

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UPDATE 3: AITAH for saying if my wife wants to be a tradwife she must always look her best, wait on me, and provide sex without question when I ask?

I’m 36 ex wife is 41. No kids involved.

This all started about a year ago. I still have people asking for updates which really appreciate so I’ll post one here. I tried on AITAH but for some reason it wouldn’t post. I don’t know if I’ve been banned or something. I’ll post on my profile and hope people see it.

So the divorce is now finalised. We agreed to split the profits from the house and we’d have got about £230k each after fees etc. Then about a week before it was all ready to go through she decided she as entitled to half my business too. She argued she help me grow it and I couldn’t do it without her. When challenged she didn’t even know the address for the yard and couldn’t name a single one of my employees. Didn’t prove anything though and it was getting messy and looking like I’d have to give her something because it started and grew while we were married. In the end we agreed she could keep all the spare money from the sale of the house and we’d call it quits at that.

My plans to buy a cheaper house with half the equity from the house and live mortgage free were now up in smoke. I left with no money from the house I paid for and modernised and shed already had half the bank account and half the savings and I had to pay 12 grand out of my own pocket when I cancelled the finance agreement on her that I was paying for.

Feeling down I did something spontaneous. I bought a plot of land, moved a big static caravan on there and lived in there while I’m building my own house on my own plot of land. There’s no rush to do it and I can just plod along at my own pace.

My ex is still living with her sister but also has a young boyfriend in Egypt she met on holiday so is spending her time between her sisters and there. She doesn’t work still is just living on the half a million or so she got from me.

I don’t really do much other than work and build my house. Just trying to rebuild my life. The lads at work really help me they are a great bunch. They keep trying to set me up on dates etc but I’m a bit too scared I think. I’ve not really spoke to anyone since it all happened. A couple of women on here messaged me and sent me some helpful pictures which I appreciated though so thank you for that lol.

All in all thank you everyone for your kind words and reaching out you all really helped me and made me realise I wasn’t going crazy.

Thank you 🙏

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/nerdinredlipstick

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 13, 2026

• Update: May 15, 2026

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Main Post

^(April 13, 2026)

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My sister slept with a guy I was dating, gaslit me, never apologized, and is now getting married. My mom wants us to be close again. WIBTA for skipping her bridal events?

Long-time lurker, first-time poster so please excuse any formatting issues!

I (33F) have a surface-level relationship with my family at best. I was kicked out by my mom at 18 and have been fully independent ever since. I've never had a close relationship with my mom, but my sister (30F) and I used to be close...until one specific event permanently changed that.

Nine years ago, I paid for my sister to fly out and visit me as a treat. While she was there, she slept with a guy I was dating. When I confronted her, she told me it was my fault & that I shouldn't have introduced them if I didn't want this to happen. She has never apologized nor have we talked about it again over the last nine years.

Our relationship never recovered and pretty much ended. We're cordial at family gatherings but that's it.

Now, she's getting married in October to a youth pastor. I plan to attend the wedding but my mom (who has no idea why my sister and I aren't close) is organizing bridal showers and pre-wedding events and expecting me to show up for all of it. I live about 1.5–2 hours away and my family has a pattern of always expecting me to make the drive while never meeting me halfway...literally or figuratively.

I have three things I'm genuinely conflicted about and would love y'alls perspective on:

1. WIBTA for skipping her bridal shower and pre-wedding events? I'm willing to attend the wedding, but I'm struggling to authentically show up and celebrate someone who has never acknowledged or apologized for how she betrayed & gaslit me.

2. Should I tell my mom the full story? My mom blames me for distancing myself from the family and has no idea what actually happened. Part of me wants to finally stop being the one who looks like the problem but I also worry that telling the truth will either blow things up or result in me being told to "forgive & get over it".

3. Should I try to have a direct conversation with my sister before the wedding? The only reason I'd want to mend things at all is to make it easier to have a relationship with her 8-year-old son, my nephew.

I'm exhausted from being expected to show up for people who have never shown up for me and I don't know what I actually owe her at this point.

EDIT: To clear up some confusion, my sister was already pregnant when she hooked up with my ex during her visit. But no one knew because she had kept the pregnancy a secret from everyone. My ex is not my nephew's father nor is he her fiancé (the youth pastor she's marrying later this year). Those are three completely different people. The identity of my nephew's biological father is unknown, but it's definitely not my ex (thankfully).

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COMMENTS

MydogsnameisChewy >I know that talking to your sister would be a popular choice, so hopefully she’s grown up in the past nine years because her reaction to your pain nine years ago would be an indicator of how she would view a new conversation regarding it. If that makes any sense, she seems rather selfish and shallow. I would definitely tell your mom though I would’ve told your mom right away I don’t know why you held back. I would go to the wedding, but I wouldn’t go to any pre-wedding activities. > >OOP >>Honestly, my mom and I have never been close so going to her wasn't really an option I felt comfortable with at the time. Right after my sister's visit, she ended up going through a lot of unrelated drama that shifted the family's focus so, at the time, I didn't feel like it was the right moment. Looking back I probably should have said something sooner but I was young and trying to keep the peace.

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Live-Motor-4000 >Was your boyfriend who became her hookup the dad of the nephew? > >OOP >>Fortunately not nor is he my sister's fiancé...the silver lining I suppose. It was truly just a vacation hookup for my sister.

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javel1 >NTA. I'm so happy this isn't a post about revenge. I agree with the other commenters who say to talk to your sister. Tell her that you're happy for her, but since you are no longer close, don't feel comfortable attending all the pre wedding events. > >Maybe she'll gaslight you or maybe she will apologize. Make your decision based on that. > >OOP >>Thank you for this advice! I've matured a lot as a person and really don't wish my sister ill will even if we don't have a relationship.

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That-Ad757 >Are u buying a wedding gift?? > >OOP >>Everything that I buy my sister as a gift, it's usually for my nephew such as gift cards to buy him things he needs, telling her about contributions to a custodial brokerage account that I'll control until he's 21, etc. I'll probably do something along those lines for her wedding. My attitude is very much "my gift is my presence and anything additional is for my nephew". If that makes sense.

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Budget-Pepper-6797 >All 3, but also setting clear boundaries with the mother who kicked her out of the house and insists on OP complying family duties > >OOP >>I've established many more boundaries with my mom now than I have historically...but it's still a work in progress for sure. Probably need more especially when it comes to my mom's opinions about my relationship with my sister.

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dippedinmisq >Tell mom, not like she will care, she is probably the golden child hence a behaviour > >OOP >>The dynamic is nuanced...my little brother (21M) is the true golden child being the "baby" & my sister was honestly never held accountable for much while I've always been the black sheep. >> >>My sister also became a "born-again Catholic" when she got pregnant which conveniently made her the "good, pious, dependable one" and she's leaned into that ever since. So the bias is definitely real.

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Update - after a month

^(May 15, 2026)

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[UPDATE] My sister slept with a guy I was dating, gaslit me, never apologized, and is now getting married. My mom wants us to be close again. WIBTA for skipping her bridal events?

I'm not sure how to post an update so please excuse any mistakes! I've linked my original post in the comments.

First of all, THANK YOU to everyone who commented and reached out directly. I'm sorry I wasn't able to respond to everyone...the support and advice was overwhelming in the best way.

My mom ended up sensing that something was off and kept pushing for an answer about why I was acting withdrawn and unenthusiastic about my sister's pre-wedding events. So I finally had a conversation with her. I didn't get into all the details, but I told her that I've carried a lot of hurt and resentment toward my sister and gave her the rundown of why we don't have a real relationship anymore.

At first, she said it was understandable that I was hurt and encouraged me to talk to my sister directly and give her the chance to apologize. She mentioned that my sister has expressed missing our relationship and that she's "grown a lot in her faith and is a different person now." But the part that really stung was when she said, "You've both probably hurt each other in different ways. Maybe you did something to make her act that way". Implying that my sister slept with the guy I was dating because I somehow provoked it. When, in reality, I had literally flown her out to visit me and paid for her trip because we were close and I wanted to do something nice for her. It felt like my mom was making excuses for my sister while minimizing what I actually went through.

I told my mom that, if my sister truly missed having a relationship with me and had genuinely grown, she should be the one to reach out. I'm tired of always being expected to take the first step and be the bigger person with my family...especially when I'm the one who was hurt. My sister hasn't reached out to me and I don't know if my mom said anything to her. Either way, the silence tracks.

My conversation with my mom ended without real resolution and kind of...landed flat. But, it's a relief my mom finally knows why I've been withdrawn and unenthusiastic about the pre-wedding events specifically. I have a complicated relationship with my family (yay Catholic guilt) so I'll still be attending the wedding. But, I'm opting out of the pre-wedding bridal events. I can't show up and genuinely celebrate someone who has never acknowledged how she hurt me and I'm done sweeping things under the rug just to maintain appearances.

The one thing I'm still sitting with is my nephew. He was a big part of why I even considered trying to mend things with my sister in the first place. I'm more conflicted about that now than I was when I first posted...but I don't have a clean answer there yet.

Will update again if anything significant changes (for better or for worse). Thank you again! I really appreciate y'all.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

pillowmite >Aren't you glad you introduced your sister to her new husband? > >OOP >>THANKFULLY her soon to be husband isn't the guy that I was dating who she slept with. I'd literally crash out so hard if that was the case.

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Previous-Werewolf709 >My only concern is you will go and it will give your family a chance to let you down again. The first sign the vibes are off get out of there. I read through both and it seems like your family does a lot of enabling and your sister doesn't seem like the type to learn anything. I do hope everything goes smoothly if you choose to attend the wedding > >OOP >>Thank you for this! It's historically been a pattern of mine to allow my family to mistreat me and let me down repeatedly but, with a lot of hard work in therapy, I'm learning to not allow them to do this anymore. Agreed that bad vibes = get out ASAP!

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IntrepidMuch >I think I responded to your original text suggesting that you pass on all wedding related activities. Since you decided to go to the wedding, take one thing to heart. Even if she apologizes, your sister is not sorry. How do I know that? Because she's been talking about you to your mom. Instead of trying to bring you to heel, she could have used that energy to say, and mean, she was sorry. Instead she chose to talk about you and rewrite history. > >OOP >>I agree. Since my sister became a "born again Catholic", she's become the spitting image of my mom. I don't doubt she's talked about me with my mom while leaving out key details about her actions towards me that would paint her in a bad light.

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Substantial_Maybe371 >Typical Catholic mom always victim blaming, implying you asked for it. > >Screw that. > >OOP >>Basically sums up why I decided to leave the church at 18. Some of the worst people I ever met went to mass every Sunday. >> >>WarDog1983 >>>Bet you mom also cheated on her spouse OR you father cheated on her and she forgave him 🤮 >>> >>>OOP >>>>My dad was actually the only person in my family who loved me and never judged me. He passed a few years ago but what truly an amazing man. My mom on the other hand...

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BabserellaWT >Has she been the golden child for your entire life, or is it a new thing? > >OOP >>My brother is actually the golden child due to being the youngest and the only boy in a Chinese-American family. My sister is the #2 golden child because she's been more subservient and plays the role of the "perfect Catholic woman". I've always been independent, outspoken, and knew at an early age that the life I wanted to live was the antithesis of what was expected of me from both my Chinese family and my Catholic family.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Due_Improvement8342

Published on: r/adultery

Thanks to u/huhzonked for the BORU recommendation

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 13, 2025

• Final Update: September 22, 2025

NOTE: AP = Affair Partner

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Main Post

^(March 13, 2025)

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Are all affairs this intense so quickly?

I am a 34m and have been married for almost nine years, we have a 13 month old son. My wife is my best friend and we are still having sex, though not as frequently as before baby. I sometimes feel like we are roommates, coparenting. Admittedly, I have not taken to fatherhood in the way I was hoping and a lot of parenting tasks fall on my wife.

Seven weeks ago, I started an affair with a married coworker who has three kids. First affair for both. This coworker is well liked and I find her attractive. She started paying me extra attention, coming into my office regularly, hugging me before I left for the day. I invited her to walk together on lunch and she took me up on it that day. During these walks she would mostly vent about her home life, troubles with her kids and husband. She would tell me how nice and sweet I was for listening to her, she made me feel really good. I also liked that a lot of people seemingly like her, and here she was paying attention to me! She would grab my hand during these walks. The following Monday she worked, I did not. I asked is she still wanted to meet up to walk, she did and I kissed her at the end of the walk. It’s been full throttle since then.

After I kissed her, we had sex for the first time three days later. We have been having sex during lunch breaks at work. And when we are not working I make up elaborate stories to see her. Like helping my brother hang a TV. It’s all been very intense. Two weeks after we started being together she would drop weird things like “im in love with a married man.” She asked that I not refer to my wife as my wife because “it is super triggering for her” and that it makes it sound like she is the side piece. She is very against using an app to communicate because that “screams affair” we do, but she complains about it often.

A week after having sex for the first time she found a conference for me to go to so we could spend actual time together for three nights, we went after being together for 4 weeks. It was a disaster, she was drinking and smoking cigarettes the entire time. One night my wife called to say goodnight, so I stepped away to take the call when I did so AP stormed off and I came back to find AP talking to some dude at the bar. That same night she messaged me on regular iMessage instead of the usual app we use because “she forgot.” She told me she loved me on this trip and I said it back, though I do not think that is true. I love the way she makes me feel and definitely love having sex with her. On the way back from the trip she kept going on how I have to promise I will never leave her for my wife. When we got back into town she almost forgot one of her scarfs in my car but I caught it before she shut the door, additionally I found one of her lipsticks in the door of my car that she had forgotten later on.

Since getting back from the trip two weeks ago it is like gasoline has been put on the fire. She needs a lot of reassurance and constant validation, if I am not at work with her we message all the time and if I don’t reply to her quickly she goes on about how I’m just leaving her for my wife and she can take a hint. She has made statements like “you’re probably still sleeping next to your wife” (I am), “you don’t let your wife see you naked do you?” (I do). Things of this sort.

She said that it’s very important to see her every day so I’m making up crazy excuses to get out of the house to see her. My wife is starting to ask questions “are you feeling okay you’ve been in the bathroom a lot lately” “why didn’t you dump the coffee I made just to go buy some and not drink it” “why did it take so long to go to the store” She has also complained that I have been really disconnected and not present while home.

My AP’s husband apparently saw our messages, she told him everything except who and he is planning to move out. Since then AP has been pressuring me to leave my wife so we can be together “for real.” I have never said I wanted to do this but I have gone along with some seriously declarations of “true love” “never feeling like this about anyone” “nothing could be more perfect than her and what we have.” AP keeps saying things like “it’ll be six months from now and you still won’t have left your wife.”

The thing is, I never wanted to leave my wife but since getting back from our trip things have been so intense and quite frankly I’ve been an asshole to my wife and then she gets upset and I’m like “maybe I do want to leave my wife all we do is fight?!” We have started to have some serious conversations about separation and she is genuinely very concerned about me and where this is coming from and is crying a lot about how our marriage and family is worth fighting for and I can’t just give up. Our last conversation she told me that she wouldn’t hear the word divorce until we actually tried, that the first time she is hearing about a problem she is also hearing about a divorce and she wouldn’t allow that to be how our family ends. I tell my AP some select parts of these conversations to get her off my back so she can see like “see things aren’t so great at my house either.”

AP paints a really nice picture of what being together for real would look like. That I would still see my son 50% of the time, when she had her children. Though, she has two different fathers for her kids and my son is still breastfed and has literally never not been with my wife except for the odd appointment here and there and I would have him. And when we didn’t have our kids we could just be together doing whatever we wanted. AP thinks I should just tell my wife the truth and that after some time my wife will be okay with it and we can all get along. AP does not know my wife, my wife WOULD coparent amicably because she is a really good mom and that would be what was best for our son. But, it would be a cold day in hell before she lets AP sit at her table if she knew the actual start of our relationship. My wife is also not stupid.

I just don’t know what to do, something’s is going to give if I don’t make some serious choices. AP is laying on the pressure and wife is asking me to keep trying, if she isn’t suspicious yet, she will be soon. She has asked if there was someone else, but seemed to drop it.

So, what is it Reddit? Is my life about to explode?

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COMMENTS

Dreammmyyyyyyyy >Holy shit. I didn't even make it all the way. This woman is ruining your life and you are going along with it and you haven't taken to fatherhood like you hope you would have. Get it together, bro. Seriously. Drama. Holeeeeee shit. > >OOP >>How do you suggest I navigate this? I was not expecting this to be so intense, though I can see how AP was showing her intentions early on and I ignored them. The day after we had sex for the first time she asked “you aren’t just using me for sex, you want an actual relationship?” How do you say “well actually, yes I am just using you for sex” >> >>I don’t know if you tell you self something for long enough you start to believe it.

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THATbitch124 >She’s going to blow up your life and soon. Grow a pair and stop letting this train wreck of a woman dictate your every move. I also suggest you at least TRY to be a father to your very young child and make it work with your wife because it’s not going to be any easier when you have him every other weekend either all by yourself or with a psycho gf who is jealous of the attention you give him. > >OOP >>As I have learned more about affairs I am starting to suspect that maybe AP was seeking an exit affair and she thinks I am a soft place to land. She makes a lot of comparisons between herself and my wife. >> >>For example my wife is a SAHM, which I’ve never had a problem with and actually think is best for our son and AP will make comments about how she works full time and is the breadwinner and takes care of her kids. I just don’t know how this all escalated so quickly.

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HereWeGoAgain0123 >My dude, get a firehose and put out this dumpster fire while there is maybe a slight chance you still can. In not a single corner of the multiverse does this end well with the AP. > >OOP >>I’m not entirely sure AP’s husband does actually know and AP isn’t just using that as a manipulation tool. Like she will jump after I do sort of thing. I just know that if I found out my wife was having an affair I wouldn’t be as cool as he seems to be acting.

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Tisjustforfun2 >His AP is the clearly a bunny boiler. Think the movie Fatal Attraction. > >OOP >>What is a bunny boiler and how do you know AP is one? I also love bomb her and mirror things she says to me like true love and a connection unlike anything I’ve experienced. I don’t actually feel these things but AP really likes to hear them. >> >>Tisjustforfun2 >>>Watch the movie Fatal Attraction. The AP boils the family pet bunny. Thus A bunny boiler is an AP who get so obsessive she starts to take physical actions to hurt the family if her lover. I hope your AP doesn’t go that far, but if you are not a troll, then you have some work to do to extract yourself from this situation. >>> >>>You are playing with fire especially leading her on. Best option is a slow retreat

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Worth_Energy_6619 >Sorry dude, but you’re naive to think she won’t just do it again with someone else when she’s bored with you. She already has two baby daddy’s. And those are just the guys she let come inside her. Who knows who she hasn’t told you about. > >Question for you… what makes you so special to think she won’t do it again once your sex becomes boring? She’s looking for a rush, and once she has you, that rush goes away and the relationship problems start all over again. > >Do you want to do this all over again in 7 years with a new coworker? How will this lady take that news? > >OOP >>I guess I just take her word for it, but I know that I am lying to her about my feelings and definitely embellishing my home life to fit what she wants to hear, but I honestly try to not talk about it. She brings it up and is always talking poorly about her husband and when she can slip it in my wife.

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kinxnwinx >OP, are you trolling? > >AnxiousAvoidant584 >>Not a chance in hell anyone posted—THAT—thinking they were going to get sympathy and kind advice. Has to be a troll. >> >>OOP >>>Not looking for sympathy at all, I mostly am just trying to understand what is going on. Do all affairs escalate this quickly, like not lifestyle affair but ones that sort of just happen? I have no idea how I ended up here in just seven weeks. I went from “I wonder what she’s like in bed” to telling her she could park her car in my garage so she didn’t have to get the snow off. What’s the psych going on here?

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Final update - after 6 months

^(September 22, 2025)

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Divorce Finalized Today

About six months ago I came to this sub looking for explanations of these reckless and intense feelings I was have for my then AP of six weeks. Her and I were mirroring each other, love bombing, future faking, the whole lot. The dopamine rush felt so good, I thought maybe I could feel like that all the time, maybe I should peruse these feelings out into the real world.

This sub dragged me pretty hard, and I was deserving of it. Many people made predictions of how it would all explode, that was AP was crazy, that I was going to get caught, that I was an idiot, all of these true. While I was off in some fantasy world thinking how wonderful it would be to be with this person who seemed utterly obsessed with me, my (now ex) wife was getting all her ducks in a row, and presented me with divorce papers a few days following my post.

My wife discovered my affair TWO WEEKS before she served me papers, she found out on her own. She was playing chess, while I was playing checkers. Many here suspected that my AP was going to blow it all up and tell my wife, and if more time had passed I think she would have. I later discovered a lipstick and hair holder in my car that she left behind, and she called me on my phone number one night because she “forgot” we were using the app. Though, we had never talked outside of it before. So, yes it was only a matter of time.

The fallout and aftermath was pretty gruesome and I knew immediately that I was going to try to reconcile with my wife. AP thought that since my wife found out that her and I were going to be together, when I informed her otherwise the next day she was late for her period. She later told me she miscarried. I do not know what story is true here. I do know that her husband was in contact with my wife and he told my wife that he suspected she was intentionally trying to get pregnant as he saw her birth control and apparently hadn’t been taking it for weeks. He also told my wife that when he saw this (after discovery) she took a test in front of him and it was negative.

AP was very unhappy with the way everything shook out, and to be fair I told her I wanted to be with her. I just didn’t think it would actually ever be a check I had to cash. There was a lot of drama, work got involved and AP was fired. She had some fire able behavior happening and it is my belief that when her husband called HR to report the affair, in the investigation the fire able offenses came to light and work decided to make the problem go away by that reasoning.

Also, I would like to make note that AP told on herself to her husband. She said she wanted a clean break and told him everything, right down to my (wife’s) address. AP could have rode off, scratch free with him none the wiser. I wasn’t going to tell him and my wife had decided against it because she wanted me safe and my job safe stating “angry people make angry decisions.” He later reached out to my wife just to make her aware.

Anyway, my wife gave me ONE chance and reconciliation with very clear boundaries and guidelines and I squandered it away. AP called me and I just couldn’t not know why she was calling. It was a pointless phone call with no substance. I deleted the traces of it. Wife found out and I lied. I came home from work to the locks changed, suitcases packed and a hotel reservation taped to them. She remained steadfast on the road to divorce since.

I came out of the affair fog and out of the protective bubble of the affair and quickly realized that my relationship with AP was not based on any reality and we had no actual real world compatibility whatsoever. I put her on a pedestal and idealized her. I got the best bits of her and she me. When I really started to reflect on all of this it was very clear to me that what I liked about AP had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me. I liked that she made me feel sexy, I liked that she made me feel wanted and important and I loved when she validated me and I could do no wrong. I wasn’t a bad guy for forgetting diapers on the way home, my wife was inconsiderate to ask me to do that after a long day. (I don’t agree with this, just providing an example). I liked getting the dopamine hits from her and I liked she was jealous of my wife, like I was a prize to be cherished.

Now, I am divorced. Taking some time to work through some stuff in therapy, focusing on trying to be a strong coparent and really lean into being a dad, a good one. My ex wife was fair in the divorce but she did not yield in the least. She will likely continue to be a stay at home mom until our son starts school, even after custody is established at 50/50 (he is still being breastfed and I am not pushing early weaning), she has the marital home, and for some I’m sure symbolic reason, INSISTED she have my car.

I have a lease on a two bedroom apartment, paying alimony and child support and now looking for a new car. I am doing okay, and every day is a little better but today really sucks.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/unraveledwords

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 12, 2026

• Final Update: May 14, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 12, 2026)

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I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Sorry for the long post, I feel as though this is a very nuanced and unusual situation and so I struggled to explain it briefly.

So my boyfriend and I have been together throughout our times at university, coming up on three years now. He is my first relationship and my first body whereas he has slept with a number of people before we got together. We have spoken before about wanting to have a future together and potentially kids once we both have a stable source of income. For the first time in years we are spending a few months apart as he has a graduate job and I don’t. I have been living in my family home and working in hospitality so we haven’t seen each other in a few weeks.

Prior to this our relationship was a little strained due to academic stress and we were arguing for the first time ever. We also almost entirely stopped having sex for months and the relationship felt like it was getting dry. I have a higher sex drive than he does anyway and so it was mostly me who was finding this difficult. We spoke about it and he suggested we opened up our relationship and allowed each other to see other people until we could move back in together when I found a job in the same city as him.

He even implied that the idea of a threesome/ watching me have sex with someone else would excite him. As much as this might seem strange to other people I was quite excited he suggested this as I have never really had the opportunity to explore my sexuality. I was experiencing some anxiety about the fact that I have only ever been in a committed relationship and I was worried I would one day regret not exploring more when I was younger. Despite this I still love him a lot and know he is the one I eventually want to settle down with.

Since we opened our relationship about a month ago I have slept with two people, a girl and a boy. I met them both on dating apps, and I was very open about the fact I had a boyfriend and I just wanted to explore. Both people were very accepting of this. I enjoyed the experiences a lot and I ended up spending a few nights with this girl in her apartment.

It was mostly just because I find living at home very frustrating after having the freedom of living with my friends/ boyfriend throughout uni and my parents still treat me like a child. She and I only actually had sex a couple of times after drinking and mostly when we would hang out we would just play Minecraft or go to the pub. It was more like a friends with benefits situation. I was very open about the fact I was staying at her place with my boyfriend and she was totally ok with the fact I had a boyfriend.

So anyway, my boyfriend has been planning to visit me this coming weekend and I have been thinking about what he said that he would like to have a threesome. I asked this girl about it and she said she would be down so I brought it up to my boyfriend and his reaction totally shocked me. He went absolutely nuts after finding out I had had sex with this girl already and said he had no idea.

He feels like he has been cheated on because I didn’t explicitly tell him that I had sex with this girl, only that I had been staying at her place occasionally. I was sidelined. I assumed that he had also been seeing other people as there have been a few nights where he has not replied to me in the evening or asked to call like he usually does. However he is saying that when he spoke about opening up our relationship he meant only for threesomes and not for us to explore on my own.

This surprised me as I got a completely different impression from our initial conversation where we spoke about us both getting a chance to explore before we settled down and became adults. One of my friends from uni also sent me a screenshot of him on a dating app from a couple of weeks ago which I told her I was completely fine with as we were both using them. He says now he only had the app to look for a third, not for him to do his own thing.

Now he is saying that he isn’t sure if he can look past me ‘cheating on him’ and that he needs some time to think about whether or not he wants to be with me. I am completely devastated. I have deleted the apps from my phone and blocked the two people I slept with no explanation. Although I did want to explore I have always been certain that he is the man for me.

We get on so well and he is dependable, caring, driven, everything I could ever want in a partner. My friends and family love him and we also share most of the same friends so our lives are intertwined. We have even decided on our kids names and the street we want to live on one day. I have tried to explain to him that this was just a lack of communication and that I never wanted to hurt him. I have never even looked at another person until we agreed to open the relationship. But he is just saying this changes the way he thinks about me entirely. He has barely spoken to me since finding out and pretty much ignored my apologies.

How do I earn his trust back?

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COMMENTS

DepartmentDapper9823 >I didn't quite understand your post... Does your boyfriend know you had sex with another guy (not a girl)? If so, that's probably the real reason for his anger. > >But either way, it's his fault. He shouldn't have suggested an open relationship if it wasn't a sincere decision. > >OOP >>He knows about both now as he began questioning me about it when I told him about the girl

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AffectionateTrash146 (downvoted) >In the eyes of most poly relationships you have cheated. You said you made the new people aware of your BF but did he know you were actively going on dates and intending to sleep with people? Usually opening the relationship means having honest open communication about your actions and intentions with other partners, not the ins and outs of the activities just an understanding that somethings brewing. I don't think you guys have the right communication and maturity for an open relationship. In terms of earning his trust back, it will take a lot of time and effort but it's difficult for things to ever go back to how they were. > >OOP >>I didn’t tell him at all about the guy until he asked, but I was under the impression that he knew I had slept with the girl. I guess it is poor communication on my behalf that he didn’t understand the nature of my relationship with her. The reason why I didn’t tell him details is because I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with knowing the ins and outs of what my boyfriend was doing with other people and I stupidly assumed he felt the same. I just assumed that he was, and assumed he knew I was as that was what we had both agreed to do

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OrwellianIconoclast >Classic. He wanted to open up the relationship because he thought he'd get to sleep with other people, now he's mad & trying to punish because you had success on the apps and he didn't. > >You didn't misunderstand, he's lying because he played himself and wants to make it your fault. > >Mischiefmanaged715 >>For real. This happens so much, it is practically a cliche. The man wants to open the relationship to get some side action, inevitably it is way easier for the partnered woman to find others, and the man gets pissed off about her success and wants to shut things down. OP, this isnt for you to fix. Your boyfriend needs to own his actions rather than punishing you for them. Until he does that, I wouldnt be trying to beg for his forgiveness. His behavior is juvenile and a red flag. >> >>OOP >>>After receiving a few comments saying to unblock the girl i definitely will be! She was really great and I think we could have a friendship if nothing else now. I just did it out of blind panic because I wanted to salvage my relationship

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theclosetenby >You didn't misunderstand. He's lying. > >dirndlgrl >>Co-signed. This is such a transparent lie

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lenusniq >"How do I earn his trust back?" What are you talking about??? How did you lose his trust? You agreed on an open relaitonship. Dump this insecure hypocritical boy. > >Omgoodtimes >>THIS!!! He’s gaslighting you!!! It was his idea, but you got action and he didn’t, so he’s pissed and trying to change his mind. He told you to open it so you could both see people while you’re apart for months AND that he thought a threesome would be hot. He sounds like a loser, don’t fall for his emotional manipulation

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Final update - after 2 days

^(May 14, 2026)

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Update: I (21f) slept with two people after my boyfriend (23m) opened our relationship and now he wants to break up with me.

Thank you everyone for the helpful comments! I didn’t expect this post to get so much attention and I don’t normally use Reddit so I’m not sure if this is the correct way to do an ‘update.’

So he finally called me after he finished work last night for us to ‘talk.’ I apologised again for the miscommunication and said that I didn’t feel we had a detailed enough conversation to establish boundaries and to define what an open relationship means to us. He agreed but didn’t apologise for his role in that. He then said that he was mostly hurt because I seemed to have developed an emotional connection with this girl which I can understand and I apologised for again. Then he asked me if I felt like I was happy in our relationship. And to my surprise I told him I wasn’t. He said he wasn’t either and so we decided to break up. I haven’t even had a text from him this morning and I haven’t tried to reach out either.

I do feel hurt and a bit lost but after the last few days of crashing out I also feel a huge sense of relief. As well as reading all the comments under this post I also spoke to a couple of my friends and came to the conclusion that if the two of us were truly happy together we wouldn’t have felt the need to open our relationship in the first place. I am going to give it some time to heal but now when I am ready I am free to be a young adult without the pressure of a big future looming over me. It has also opened up new jon opportunities as I don’t just have to look in the same city as him so we could move in together.

I know a lot of people are calling him a piece of shit and a gaslighting liar but I am still very fond of him and so I don’t really care at the moment to argue with him and question his side of the story; whether he changed the terms of our open relationship or did end up sleeping around and didn’t want me to know. Maybe at some point I will bring him up on this but I think the most important thing is for us to both try and move forwards.

As for the ‘Minecraft girl,’ I sent her a text saying I will give her a call at some point soon to explain and she said that was totally ok and to take my time! So hopefully I have at least made a friend and something good has come out of this.

Thank you once again everyone for the help and support xx

&nbsp;

---

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/PaleMind4963

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 03, 2026

• Final Update: May 11, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 03, 2026)

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I(29M) am planning to break up with my girlfriend(25F) because she made plans to go out one on one with a guy that likes her without consulting me.

Hi everyone,

Would like to seek your thoughts and advice on this matter of mine.

Basically my girlfriend has a coworker that likes her and always helps her with her struggles at work. They are always together at work and have regular dinners together(which she had consulted me and i said yes).

She always updates me about their dinners and what they talked about so i was fine with that.

Now i have a job that requires very long working hours and i was unable to spend time with her during a weekend as i was rushing out a project. She knew this(she was unhappy about me not spending enough time with her)and made plans with her coworker to go for an ice skating outing and she just confirmed with me that i could not meet her during that weekend and told me that she will be going on the outing with him without even asking me about it, only informing me. Now from what i know, ice skating is a totally date activity which involves holding hands and physical contact. So i got mad and told her that i was uncomfortable with because of this. She still went out on the outing with him and now i told her i wanted a breakup and she started apologizing and said she will not do that again and persuading me to talk to her after i had calmed down but i refused.

Did i do the right thing or was there another alternative?

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COMMENTS

OOP to a long comment >Hi thanks for the reply. No she doesnt usually ask permission from me for anything but in this case, this guy confessed twice to her. So she consulted me about it. > >Prestigious-Ad1346 >Ohhhh thanks for answering and clearing that up ! > >Your girlfriend isn’t cool for hanging out with him and leading him on, and even less cool for seeing him after you said it makes you, rightfully uncomfortable. > >It’s not worth being with someone like that for forever

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BeardBoiiiii >You lost me at the regular one on one dinners ngl.

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Mdaro >Your girlfriend has a boyfriend and it isnt you. > >Necessary_Tap343 >>OP gave her permission to date her coworker by telling her it was okay to go on regular dinner dates with the coworker as long as he had advance notice.

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iAnkou >what I find funny is this. She went on a date activity with a guy who likes her and then told you "we can talk once you've calmed down" > >bro imagine doing something like this with a girl who likes you and your gf getting upset and you telling her "we'll talk once you've calmed down". Man...... > >But anyway, congratulations for having a spine. You 100% did the right thing. She disrespected you and the relationship. If you allowed it to happen, it'd have happened again where she'd push the boundary further little by little until she cheated. > >You had work one weekend so she immediately goes to some bozo that likes her? If she's on her period and you're horny, can you go fuck your coworker since ur gf won't put out? Same stupid logic. > >Good job.

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Taminella_Grinderfal >I would have already been uncomfortable with the regular dinners. Maybe as a group work activity all this would be fine, but it’s unnecessary to spend that much one-on-one time with someone.

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mrhooha >Break up. She will be fine. She already has a new boyfriend.

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Final update - after 8 days

^(May 11, 2026)

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[Update] I(29M) am planning to break up with my girlfriend(25F) because she made plans to go out one on one with a guy that likes her without consulting me?

Hi everyone,

Firstly, many thanks to everyone who contributed their opinions. I read them all and I would like to give everyone an update on what happened afterwards.

She kept contacting me to talk and in the end I decided to hear her out. She tried to apologize and make amends. As reluctant as I was, i decided to keep a small possibility that she did not actually cheat. Therefore, I asked her on the spot to let me see her chat with her coworker and she immediately refused. I asked another few more times and she refused them all and turned more hostile, starting to blame me for other matters in the relationship and diverting the topic. She was extremely slow to divulge details on how the date came about when I asked her and in the end gave very half assed answers that didnt answer my questions and kept crying.

Therefore, i ended it right there and she said that I did not fight for the relationship and I told her that no way I could continue when she was hiding so many things from me. A week later, i found out that they were planning to go on a trip together. I do still feel very depressed even though i was the one who initiated the breakup and felt the pain of betrayal. I hope that I can get over this soon.

Again, thanks to everyone for your opinions and kind advice, even to those who disagreed with me.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Electrical_Sun_7116 >Next time you see them, buy that guy a drink and say thanks for him doing you the enormous favor of showing you who she really is before you waste another second on her. That guy saved your life man, you owe him bigtime for taking that cheating liar off your hands!!

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Perfect_Delivery_509 >If it makes you feel better, she will come back when it implodes and yes it will implode. Dont ever talk to her again.

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Riker_Omega_Three >Never date a woman who expects you to "fight" for the relationship > >Women are not prizes...they are partners > >A woman (or man for that matter) who views themself as the prize...is not relationship material and will NEVER be relationship material > >PS: He was plan A, you were plan B. But she is going to soon find out that he was only interested in her because she had a boyfriend and wouldn't expect a relationship from him. Now that she expects more from him, he's gonna bail. I would bet good money on that

&nbsp;

---

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/SherbertOk6980

Published on: r/AmIOverreacting

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 11, 2026

• Final Update: May 13, 2026

---

Main Post

^(May 11, 2026)

---

AIO Husband and best friend on a trip without me

Hi everyone! Long time listener, first time poster (I’ve always wanted to say that).

My husband (26m) and best friend (26f) are spending the weekend together for a concert and I don’t know how to feel. This whole thing started about a month ago when I was at work and got a text from my best friend asking me if my husband had told me about their plan to go see a concert together yet. I told her I had no idea what she was talking about. Apparently they had been talking and planning that he would drive to her place (6 hours away) and they would go together. According to my friend, my husband had already called off work and the plans were in motion.

Immediately I’m thrown off. To preface, my husband is wonderful. i often joke he’s so healthy and wholesome that he‘s not even real. I had two serious boyfriends in my past and was cheated on by both so i do have some sensitivities to things like this. however, my husband personally has never given me any reason to think he would do something wrong. Nor has my best friend. They have however been getting closer lately. They are both gamers so they play Fortnite together, they text each other (not sure about what), and when she visits, my husband and her are very friendly with each other. I thought it was great because I Love that my friends like my husband.

Some things to note: my husband and I visited my best friend for 4 days about a month and a half ago. during this time my husband slept on her living room floor, I was in her bed with her, and he complained how uncomfortable it was and how bad he was sleeping every night. He also refused to drive because he has anxiety and she lives in a very busy city, which I understand. So imagine my confusion when all of a sudden he’s okay to drive by himself to her place and voluntarily sleep on the floor again.

When I return home from work, I ask my husband if There’s anything he needed to tell me. He says no. It took him almost two hours to “remember ” he was planning to drive 6 hours to stay at my best friends house for 2 nights and go to a concert. Even besides that, we share finances so I did feel that 1. I should have been at least invited and 2. I should have been made aware he planned on purchasing a $100 concert ticket.

I told him the whole thing felt weird and he got defensive saying things like “I just didn’t think about it” or “if you’re going to be like this then I just won’t go” and ”we knew you wouldn’t want to go so that’s why we didn't ask.” After that convo of me basically saying it was suspicious this was all hid from me, he went and bought me flowers.

This is something he does occasionally because he knows I love flowers, but this made it feel like he was guilty. Like he was hiding something. His main defense was that he has never done anything to deserve my suspicion, which is true. he says it’s not fair for me to treat him like my exs when he has never been that way.

After being upset and quiet for 2 days I decided to let it go. Within that 2 days we talked about it multiple times. each time he said “fine I just won’t go” but not once did he text my best friend that he was no longer going, so clearly he never planned on doing that. That brings us to today. He left yesterday and got there around 6pm. I got the text update he had arrived from both him and my best friend and then texts got scarce.

My best friend texted me “we both got the same thing for dinner, twinning.” Which immediately had me thinking about them being out to dinner together. Then barely any texts after that. Today is the day of the concert and I’ve been getting some more texts from my husband but they are texts like “I wish I could kiss you” and to me it feels like all guilt.

Im not sure what im asking for. Reassurance? Validation? I do trust my husband and best friend but people are betrayed by people they love all the time. My brain is telling me something will happen, they will both vow to never speak of it, and I’ll never know. How do I stop thinking like this? Why am I even thinking like this when he’s never shown me a reason to? Is this something normal for a husband and his wife’s best friend to do? HELP.

&nbsp;

NOTE: There were 156 comments from OOP. I tried to select the ones that provided additional information or updates. If you think I missed any important details, please let me know in the comments.

COMMENTS

Normal-Equivalent222 >NOR. You have a husband problem and a BF problem. Why didn’t your husband include you in their plans, why didn’t your BF include you in their plans? > >The fact that he is gaslighting you and being defensive is a major red flag. Either he has a crush on her or they’re emotionally involved with each other. I would rec that you go thru their messages. There is something really fishy here….Are you sure he’s going to be sleeping on the floor? > >OOP >>She asked me like a week ago “he’s not going to try to sleep in the bed is he?” And I responded with “not if he knows what’s good for him” jokingly but not at the same time >> >>DreamcatcherDeb >>>Of course he’s going to be sleeping in the bed. “Just as friends, of course”…🙄 This is all kinds of bad. The fact that they didn’t even invite you says it all. They knew you wouldn’t want to go? No, they didn’t. Not until they asked. This has been an emotional affair and it just turned into a physical affair this weekend. I’m sorry. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I asked and I was told he slept on the floor in the living room so idk. Now they are both texting me like “are you okay??” “What’s wrong?”

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littlescreechyowl >Why…the fuck…don’t these plans include you? Why the secrecy? Absolutely not. My best friend has been my best friend for 39 years, longer than I’ve known my husband. There is ZERO chance she would make plans with my husband without me being included. NOR > >OOP >>I’m not a fan of the singer so I wouldn’t have wanted to go/take off work anyway. Is there no reality where they can have a normal relationship with each other? I feel like they wouldn’t do it in front of my face if it wasn’t normal right?

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smilesbig >Too many red flags in this situation: > >1. She didn’t ask you to join > >2. He didn’t ask you to join > >3. She didn’t tell you right away > >4. He didn’t tell you right away > >5. He went anyways > >They may not be hooking up. On the otherhand, why make smoke when there isn’t fire? A considerate/thoughtful spouse would NEVER place themselves nor you in a position where doubts can occur. This whole thing is an ugh and his dismissive attitude - at best - stinks. > >OOP >>This was my other worry. That even if the hookup wasn’t what I needed to worry about there was still something wrong with the whole thing.

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RaychH90 >Op youre NOR. Also, any update? Did you find out what's truly happening? >I'd be so upset with both my OH and BF in this situation! > >OOP >>I ended up texting them in a group chat and saying “I was just at therapy and she helped me realize I’m having a trauma response to this whole situation that I did not expect to have. I trust you both 100% and you are both my favorite people but I’m having a hard time with it right now. I didn’t mean to ignore you it’s just how I’m feeling. I will get over it” >> >>My husband responded with “we both love you and understand” and my best friend emphasized it. >> >>& >> >>No true update. I texted them telling them I felt like I was having a trauma response to the situation and that I was having a hard time with it and my husband responded with “we both love you and understand” (my bsf emphasized it). After the concert my husband texted me “the concert is over I plan on leaving early in the morning I hope you sleep well” but that’s all I’ve heard from either of them since.

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Small Update - next day

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I haven’t seen my husband yet but I’ve been talking to bsf all day. Shes sent me every text, every photo, answered every question I’ve asked, there is no cheating going on. Not even anything that could be twisted into cheating. If there is anything it’s his own feelings. What I need to talk to him about is his choice to go when he knew I was triggered by it. thats the problem, not an affair.

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Final update - after 2 days

^(May 13, 2026)

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Final Update: AIO Husband and best friend on a trip without me

So I talked to my husband. To put things in short terms: I screamed, I cried, I yelled, all the things. My neighbors definitely think I’m psycho. I’m going to keep the details private but what i will tell you (and it’s probably not what y’all want to hear) but I have one of the good ones. Anything I needed proven was proven, any questions I had were answered, and I could see how i messed up and how he messed up.

He agreed he handled things poorly, said he thought about it many times but because of my poor communication (which is true) he thought it was okay. We set boundaries for the future and this won’t happen again. It was a healthy, honest, long conversation but I’m grateful it was had. I appreciate you all taking the time to respond and look out for me. I hope you can be happy for me.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

truth_fairy78 >I would really love to hear his explanation for how he knew this was triggering for you and did it anyways. Why was it worth it to him to put you thru that? > >The underlying subtext being that he clearly decided he needed to spend time with her alone more than he needed to protect you and your marriage. That’s why no one here is buying what he sold you. > >OOP >>He said he had a feeling I wasn’t okay with it but I kept saying I was. He admitted he shouldn’t have gone. He said he thought about it everyday for 3 weeks after we first talked about it and he had a feeling it wouldn’t be okay. But he says I was saying it was okay so how was he to feel any different. He also said he thought that I was upset about how it was handled, not also how they would be together. So he thought if he acknowledged it was wrong and everything the rest of it was fine. However, I reacted bc I was triggered and was spiraling

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gdrom123 >Info: who initiated the discussion on going to the concert? Who paid for the tickets? Aside from the concert, what did they do in those 2 days? > >OOP >>Best friend did. They paid for their own tickets. Apparently just eating food and watched a movie >> >>gdrom123 >>>Thanks for answering. >>> >>>1. If BFF initiated the conversation, the onus was on her to tell you about the trip/concert. This doesn’t absolve your husband by any means but she should’ve at minimum said something like “hey OP, fave band is coming to town and I invited hubby since we both like them”. >>> >>>2. Them paying for their own tickets is probably the only good thing I’ve seen in the whole situation. Did he buy her drinks/meals when they went out or did they stay in the entire time, only going out for the concert? >>> >>>3. Soooo he needed to be there for 2 whole days just to watch one movie and eat despite his anxiety with driving and discomfort with sleeping on the floor? >>> >>>OOP >>>>1. They both understand that’s what should have happened now and apologized. >>>> >>>>2. I saw the Venmo’s back and forth so they paid for their own food >>>> >>>>3. There was no need for 2 days I can’t really explain that and he agreed it wasn’t completely necessary just more convenient. He said the couch wasn’t as bad this time. And I got photo proof of the pillow being on the couch so he was sleeping there

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Suitable-Ad-3265 >Can you explain in detail why you dont feel like you have been decieved. Are we all just missing something? Because I just don't understand how they've explained half of the things - the not telling you the okans staight away- the going despite you not being comfortable with it -2 days instead of just the one- the suddenly being ok to drive and sleep on the floor whereas previously not- the lack of communication with you whilst they were together- her getting ready with him (did this include getting dressed?) - just to name a few . We are trying to get at you and we obviously would all wish he wasn't cheating on you but I think most people reading this are just really struggling to fathom what they could have said that made you feel so confident that they haven't cheated > >OOP >>I saw the texts of the plans being made, it didn’t feel anything strange. Apparently my husband didn’t initially tell me bc he said he wasn’t sure if he was even going to go and he was going to wait till he decided. There’s no way they got dressed together they just wouldn’t do that

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Forward-Wolf-8795 >I really think you should make him read this post. Tell him you’re still upset and you want him to read what 2000 strangers think just from hearing the details > >OOP >>He said he didn’t like the idea of there being 2,500 people telling him how bad of a person he is when he understand he messed up so I’m not going to force him. He was clearly upset

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Un-conventional-mum

Published on: r/AITAH

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 01, 2026

• Final Update: May 14, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 01, 2026)

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AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

My almost 2 year old had an ileostomy reversal last month. It went well but the side effects of the surgery is that he has constant bowel movements (every 10-15 mins) and due to the fact that he has never used his bum before in the entire 20 months of life the constant exposure of stool to his skin has cause a SEVERE diaper rash.

Up until a week ago his skin was horrid but I have perfected my system and have managed to clear 99% of his diaper rash. Its mainly just me changing him the moment he goes and changing his diet/ making sure he eats (if he goes more than 2 hours without eating during the day he gets terrible diarrhea which makes rash come back full force)

In-laws want our son to visit for Mother's day at Mil's mother's home because they haven't seen him in over a month. I have reservations because the ride there is long and we will have to pull over multiple times to change him. And more importantly we can't even go to their house because he will NOT eat there at all and never has.

But say he does happen to eat there (again has never happened idk why he won't eat at Mil's house either) we will have to bring all of our supplies and I will basically just have him in room changing him every 10 minutes. Also, sometimes when he goes he screams in pain and i really don't want to deal with my husband's entire family (they celebrate all mothers in the family not just Mil) trying to step in and tell me what to do (we can't ease his pain he just has to pass it). If we go to a restaurant the same problems arise just in a more crowded and louder place

Husband believes son's bowel movements have gotten more steady because his rash is gone and that means we can start going places. That is not the case, they are still erratic, I just stay on top of everything (it can take months or years to steady) I told him he can visit his family alone but I could tell it hurt him. My in-laws believe we can go one day with him having diarrhea because i have gotten a handle on how to treat his skin but I don't want to risk compromising all the progress I've made.

I offered them to come to us (living with my rents for rn) but they won't hear it even though my parents will go to my husband family's homes for joint celebrations (despite our house being bigger and able to accommodate both families unlike any of theirs can) I told them if they really wanted to see our son they would suck it up and come here but no one has responded.

Thank you for all your support!! I would love to respond to everyone but answering comments takes time away from my son and his changes so I probably won't be responding.

EDIT!! I would like to clarify my husband can't help, he's at work and my son will not allow him to change his diapers Anyways. He was traumatized with the constant prodding of the doctors at the hospital and only allows me to change him. I won't force my son to be stressed even if it stresses me. My husband does try on the weekends but it is extremely upsetting for all 3 of us.

My husband isn't ignoring the issues, he genuinely thinks he's gotten better due to his rash being gone and the fact that his nightly changes went from 9 times to only 1-2 (YES!!) His bowels HAVE steadied at night but not yet during the day that will take much longer. Unfortunately, my husband only sees the nights not days.

Someone in the comments mentioned a "log" log and I will DEFINITELY be using that to show him things are not as well as he thinks. Thank you to the commenter who suggested this!! I will be updating him CONSTANTLY because i do spend 80% of my day cleaning up poop lol

Also I never mind seeing our mothers on the day, I just want time for me too. And my husband has to work even on weekends to support us. We spend A LOT of money on my son's supplies (600+ a week) and insurance doesn't cover most of the things we actually need. Our rainy day savings of nearly $20,000 drained the first year of our son's live due to his disease before anyone says why did we have a kid with no money. We had money, we just weren't expecting this disease to burden our son

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COMMENTS

tarnishau14 >IT IS MOTHER'S DAY. You are THE mom. Whatever you want to do should be respected. MIL can make requests for Grandparents Day in September. > >OOP >>Yeah mother's day has never really been solely just about me (which I don't expect necessarily ) his family just does one party for each mother unfortunately

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Nice_Cartoonist_8803 >It’s your Mother’s Day, celebrate it with your child however you want. It sounds like you’re okay with your husband going to visit his mom for her celebration, everyone’s needs can be met here. The medical issues are valid but you don’t really need to explain yourself any further. > >OOP >>With any other normal family I would agree!! But my in-laws are so invasive. I never wanted them to visit in the hospitals for the surgeries because they would either hound me or the surgeons for answers it was so draining. i learned after the nicu to just block them out and let my husband deal with their constant need for answers

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2dogslife >Your child's health, happiness, and safety come before your inlaws' desires. > >You've given two rational options: they can travel to you, or your husband can travel alone to visit with them. The only other option would be delaying any celebrations together until your son is truly well enough to travel without instant issues. > >Also, let's be honest, no reasonable person should want to invite a toddler over who is going to have his diaper changed every 10-15 minutes and you won't get to enjoy anything (on YOUR DAY, no less) as you'll be tied to his care. > >I would think that as you are a mother, your wishes would take precedence. > >Most families I know, the mothers with kids got Mother's Day, while the grandmothers (mothers of adults) got a different day. > >OOP >>Yes! this is how my family roles. My parents never ask us on the actual dates of holidays to see us, always the week before or after. Unfortunately, if my in-laws don't see our son on the actual date it's as if they didn't get to celebrate at all. My husband deals with that backlash I ignore them

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AdvisorImaginary8073 >Why can't they come to you? > >OOP >>They're just a little odd with my family. They're Mexican, my family is white and black so it's always been this straight division sorta. Its odd, only my FIL and BIL interact with my family but the rest of my husband's side avoids being near mine and just stands in a corner so I highly doubt they would step foot in our house.

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HypatiaLemarr >I am REALLY curious how your diapering him. Any away you go, the costs must be astronomical. > >OOP >>we go through about 20-30 disposals diapers a day. We wanted to try cloth but our wound care nurse advised against it as they aren't as good as disposables when it comes wicking away moisture. Plus i would probably spend 95% of my free time doing laundry if we had disposable. We are looking to potty train once his bowels steady a bit more though so hopefully that helps!

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Final update - after 2 weeks

^(May 14, 2026)

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UPDATE: AITAH for telling Husband he can visit his mother for mother's day but not our toddler?

Firstly, I would like to thank everyone who commented on my previous post and apologize for my lack of responses. I really tried to read everything and reply to questions that were asking for advice about treating diaper rash but if I responded to everyone my son would have the reddest bum ever.

I did NOT show my husband the post initially because the adult thing for me to do was talk to him and give him a chance to explain and also hear my opinions.

He did not understand why we couldn't just visit his family for only an hour or two so I made sure he understood why.

On Saturday I asked him to day the day off so he could stay home and see how our son acted and all he went through. Nearly 40 diaper changes, the screaming and crying with each bowel move, the lack of personal time or breaks you actually get when taking care of a medically fragile child.

I think by noon he understood why we couldn't bring our son to his family.

I again asked him if his parents would mind coming to us (to meet at the park behind our home) he told me they would not no matter how we worded it, no matter what we did they just don't get it and won't try to. I tried to be understanding because he is always stuck in the middle but I stood my ground. I wouldn't risk my son's health for their feelings and I'm not compromising anymore than I have already tried. If my in-laws REALLY wanted to see our son they would drive to us to see him.

Mother's day came around and my lovely parents (who we live with) watched our son (he was generous enough to let my mum change him) while we went out on a MUCH needed date! It was the break I needed and it felt incredible to reconnect with my husband.

My husband did eventually go see his family (stayed for an hour or two) and I got to spend the rest of the day with my son. My husband didn't tell me anything that happened when he got back but I did get a text message from my MIL that read: "Happy Mother's day OP, I hope you get everything you wanted."

Not sure if it was genuine or a dig but I said thank you and wished her and her family well!

I did eventually show him the post and he apologized for not realizing how he was treating us. He has decided to go to therapy to work on his boundaries with his parents and hopefully to become a better communicator with me.

Thank you for reading and I hope all of you are doing well!Also, if anyone is struggling with curing a diaper rash don't hesitate to message me!

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

showard995 >“I hope you got everything you wanted”. What a bitch. > >PinkPicklePants >>Oh she one hundred percent meant it as snarky and mean. Glad OP is classy enough to not let it bother her. 💅🏼 >> >>OOP >>>Mu mum raised me to be nice upfront and back away when needed. I do it A LOT. I think it drives my MIL insane that I don't blow up

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ShelyChelle >Awww, this is fantastic!! Please, NEVER back down, and don't feel bad when you do > >Your mom is an absolute blessing, tell your husband not to forget that 1 day, NEVER, so that any time his parents try to pull anything, it will stiffen up his spine > >OOP >>Will do!! He's already starting to notice the differences in how our parents behave

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Mu-nraito >It's funny, when you said you couldn't take a trip, my mind immediately thought, "I wonder what medical issues the baby has?" Mainly because I assumed MIL's house was far away, and it'd probably take you 5 hours to get there if you had to stop a lot, and would still be miserable because you couldn't enjoy festivities. Then I looked at the link & was like, "Wow, MIL really has no clue, does she? And why is everything about her?" > >OOP >>That's the crazy part, she DOES know what goes on because she was in on the call when the doctors explained everything that would happen to him for the next couple of months

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Liketheanimal1 >It makes sense why you are staying home. It makes sense why she is having all her kids and grandkids over. That will be you one day. I would never ask my mom to come here for Mother’s Day. She has 4 other kids and over 30 grandkids going there. It sounds like he has a big family too. I think they don’t understand what’s happening. I think you’re in an exhaustive caregiver role without enough help since his dad didn’t even know what a day looked like for you. You’re doing a great job. > >OOP >>My son is the only grandchild and there's only two sons in the mix. Last year we did spend mother's day at her home so I'm not opposed to it. But my son had an ostomy bag then so it was easier to travel. Now it isn't possible safely. They do understand but because its going to be at least a year of this they think its okay to break safety protocols every once and awhile which i don't agree with. Thank you for the encouragement!

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angelrider83 >I’m so glad you were able to get your husband to stay home for a day to see how things really are with your kid. I was worried he wouldn’t get it. > >OOP >>He definitely noticed. He was incredibly upset over how hurt our son is :/ he took care of everything he could that day!! And now when he comes home he takes over while i keep our son calm

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/OrdinaryNormal2505

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 11, 2026

• Final Update: May 13, 2026

NOTE: Change L: Lucy, M: Mira

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Main Post

^(May 11, 2026)

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AITA for telling my sister to stay home from a trip she is paying for?

Ok a bit of background. I (33 F) have two older sisters. Lucy (44 F) and Mira (43 F). Mira is a cancer survivor. Mira has never gone on a trip outside of the US. and she has recently hit a big milestone. 5 years in remission. Lucy and I decided that in celebration we wanted to take Mira on her first international trip.

I want to be clear that I do love Lucy a lot. she really is a sweet person. When Mira was going through treatment she helped pay some of her medical bills. watched the kids so her husband could always be at the hospital with her when she was there and be able to take care of her. she bought groceries for her neighbor for a year during the pandemic and if you need something she's there.

HOWEVER, she is a horrible travel companion. She wants to be in charge and complains about everything. We went on 1 trip together and it was miserable

The problem started when deciding where to go. Lucy suggested a trip to the UK or Ireland. Which she and I have been to before. I pointed out that while it was nice place to visit and Mira would appreciate it...We should go to Thailand and let Mira plan the trip instead, and here's why...

Mira has always wanted to go to Thailand. Like since before she even graduated from high school. she has an entire Pinterest board labeled Thai Dream Vacation. she has learned thai over the years in preparation. She isn't fluent as a native speaker but is conversationally fluent.

She and her husband were planning on going 8 years ago...then she was diagnosed with cancer...and medical bills pretty much depleted the vacation fund pretty quick.

Mira wants to go to thailand and this is a trip...for her.

I had to put my foot down as this is Mira's trip

Since then Lucy has brought up multiple issues

Mira planned the whole trip. It's very food based. A lot of it centers around trying all the food, taking cooking classes in the different regions, shopping, temple tours, beach days but Lucy feels that because the two of us are paying for it we should be the ones planning it

Lucy wanted to have an elephant day experience and wasn't happy that the one Mira picked was a sanctuary that did not do feeding bathing and physical interaction with the elephants

Mira planned a spa day in each area we travel Lucy thinks this is a waste of time and money.

Lucy hate's hot weather, She is already complaining about how hot it is going to be.

Lucy is upset so much of the food budget is being spent on street food, markets, local restaurants.

I sat her down the other day and asked her if she was just going because she felt obligated. I said that if she wanted to stay home she could and we would totally understand, but this was M's trip and if she was going to go she needed to stop complaining about everything because I wasn't going to let her ruin it for Mira.

Mira feels bad and has offered to change the itinerary and let her be in charge for half of the trip.

So am I the AH for setting Lucy off by telling her to stay home?

Edit- I was unclear Lucy is not paying for the whole trip. She is paying for half of Mira's part of the trip and her own part. we do not expect her to pay anything if she doesn't go and I never suggested it.

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COMMENTS

Loud-Rhubarb-1561 >YTA or ESH pay for the trip yourself if you can make any accommodations for the sister you use as an atm. Why did it have to be that sanctuaries and not one that allows the other? It seems like y’all want her money but don’t want to make any allowances for anything she wants on this trip. Like if you and Mira want a trip for just Mira then pay for it yourselves or make some minor adjustments. If Lucy had tried to stop the changes I’d lean more ESH but while she’s complaining she’s still paying for everything and you can’t give her even one thing like the elephant encounter she wants. Yes Mira went through cancer but it sounds like Lucy financially supported her through it as well as helping manage her family. > >OOP >>She's not paying for the whole trip herself. She is paying for herself and for half of Mira's (as this is supposed to be a gift to her) The elephant sanctuaried that allow elephant handling are not considered ethical and can be dangerous for the animals. We agreed to let Mira do the majority of the planning but we have all put in things we wanted to do...But Lucy wants to plan the WHOLE thing around what she wants.

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SavageBonesFire >YTA if Lucy is paying for the trip but things are a little unclear. How did she react? I don’t understand why y’all can’t compromise. It’s not just Mira’s trip. You’re all going as sisters and should each plan something you would enjoy. Lucy probably needs feedback about her negativity but she has every right to go if paying. You should all work together to plan a trip for everyone. > >OOP >>The trip is us (me and Lucy) taking Mira on her dream trip that she missed out on because of her health. Yes she had a say and we asked for suggestions and asked her what she wanted to do and she said the only thing she wanted to do was bath with elephants...which Mira tried to explain was not ethical and could be dangerous.

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pumpkinbubbles >More info: Is Mira really as upset by Lucy as you are or are you using 'M's wishes' as some sort of proxy for your own issues with Lucy? It seems like a person who has beaten cancer would be strong enough to speak up for herself. Perhaps Mira is being bulldozed by Lucy but perhaps she values traveling with her sisters (both you AND Lucy) more than setting 100% of the itinerary. > >OOP >>Reading these replies and replying im begining to think Lucy and I may have gotten so caught up with both of us going back and forth with each other and that we might have not been listening to Mira.

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Big-Range9664 >YTA - its not a gifted trip... its a trip with all of you! yes its nice that youre planning and bringing Mira but why shouldnt Lucy have a say in anything going on? sounds like a trip with 3 people... and youre dictating it on behalf of Mira and yourself... > >OOP >>It is a gifted trip. Lucy and I decided to do this for her. She didn't ask nor did we decide as a group to go on a sister trip. Lucy and I literally wrapped a bunch of stuff related to thailand in a gift box and gave it to her.

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CONSENSUS: Asshole

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Final update - after 2 days

^(May 13, 2026)

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Update AITA for telling my sister to stay home from a trip she is paying for?

I would like to say first...yes...I was TA in this situation. Thank you for giving me a different perspective, as well as all the suggestions.

Ok so some clarification before the update.

Yes Lucy was paying for herself and part of Mira's portion of the trip BUT I never asked or expected her to pay if she didn't go. I wasn't disinviting her with the expectation of her still funding the trip. I was suggesting that if she really didn't want to go she shouldn't because it wouldn't be fair for her or Mira.

We are going to be there for three weeks. 1 massage a week at the hotel the day before we travel to the next location hardly seems that excessive.

Lucy did help in planning (picking hotels and activities) Her complaints were about not wanting to do what Mira and I wanted to do because she wanted us to stay together the whole time.

Ethical elephant sanctuaries mean you do not touch or interact with the elephants. Mira found one where you Observe only. Lucy was not happy because she wanted to bath with the elephants. That was never going to happen.

On to the update.

Lucy and I met up for lunch today and I apologized for how I handled things and being so "This is Mira's trip and she gets to decide only and if you don't like it stay home." about everything.

Yes I was the AH.

We had a pretty big conversation about the whole situation that included opening up about what we both thought this trip was for ( celebrating with Mira vs a sister trip ) and decided that Lucy is not going on the trip, And neither am I.

This dream vacation was supposed to be for Mira to celebrate her recovery and give her the trip she lost because of cancer.

And that trip...was with her husband. So we are gifting her and her hubs their three week Thai dream and while they are gone we will be taking care of the niblings. and I can say that I am REALLY grateful for Lucy in this situation. she is famously the most fun aunt ever and I have no idea what to do with four teenagers for three weeks other than feed them.

Long story short

The three of us are sisters. we love each other. Lucy and I haven't really ever opened up about how watching our sister go through something that might have killed affected us and we were both trying in our own way to show her how much we loved her, but we went about it the wrong way.

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COMMENTS

champ1270 >First of all, love the communication and compromise. > >Second, you mention your sister having teenagers. How do they feel about the trip? Maybe I'm just selfish, but I think teenage me would be kinda upset my parents get to go on a cool 3 week Thailand adventure while I'm stuck at home. I hope you have lots of fun activities planned for them. Good luck! > >OOP >>The teens are ecstatic to spend the week with Aunt Lucy. She's known for her "aunti adventures" lol. and in this situation I full on give her full control of planning. I love my nieces and nephews and we hang out all the time but planning a full three weeks during school vacation for all of us would have me spiraling. lol

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Trevena_Ice >Wow that sounds like the best solution. Yes it was Mira's dream vacation with her husband and it is absolutly great that you can offer her and him that. And that you are looking after the kids during that time. She realy has the best sisters. > >Maybe it is possible to take a short sister-trip somewhere that you all like before or after > >Ill_Abrocoma3958 >>And let’s not overlook the husband’s side of this! Usually, these family dramas drag the spouses down, but he gets a front-row seat to how incredible his in-laws are. OP basically won "Sister of the Decade" with this move. >> >>OOP >>>He really is great and after talking about everything Lucy and both felt like AH's to him as well and apologized earlier when we told them the new plan. We both got so caught up in our feelings over feeling like we almost lost our sister and being so afraid that the cancer might return someday and we would still lose he that we didn't really step back and think about what he went through and is still going through as well. >>> >>>He said letting them be teenager free for 3 weeks on the other side of the world makes up for that though so. >>> >>>lol

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThatOneCloneTrooper

Published on: r/creepyencounters

Thanks to u/IcedWarlock for the recommendation!

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: May 06, 2026

• Final Update: May 12, 2026

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Main Post

^(May 06, 2026)

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For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

I'm a man in my 20s that lives alone on the very top floor of an apartment block. I've had short hair for the last 10 years of my life. The longest hair on my head is maybe an inch long if that even. However, across my house I kept finding long hairs on the floor. Like, long brunette hairs, at least 5-6 inches. Sometimes longer. And they would be everywhere. Bathroom floor, in the shower, in my cupboard, in my kitchen, on old clothes, living room floor and sofas etc etc.

I've been single since November and clean often enough that I'm certain it's not my ex-girlfriends' hairs. Plus the colour doesn't match anyway, she had solid black hair, these are more a light brunette. Plus, finding them in the places like the shower? Where running water is hitting all the sides 5+ times a week?

Anyway, I waved it off as "well I work with a lot of people and use the gym and bus sometimes so naturally hairs are going to stick to my clothes"...

Well. One day (this past April) I finished my early am gym session and got the call that I didn't have to go work that day, so naturally I start to walk home all happy that I have the day to myself. I'm on the 5th floor (the upper most floor) of the building and the apartment is in such a way that there is only 1 apartment per floor. I start to hustle up the stairs and don't use the elevator since I'm sweaty from the gym anyway.

JUST as I whip a right to go up the last set of stairs from the 4th floor to the 5th floor I see my neighbour's (on the 3rd floor) daughter coming down the stairs. We lock eye-contact. We've never spoken before, mostly because we've never had a reason to but also because out of respect I didn't want to make her uncomfortable since she's 19-21ish and I'm slightly older. The most interaction we've had is that I've spoken to her mother and father before when bumping into each other on the stairs.

I gave a confused "hello?" - at this point I'm thinking that she maybe went to knock on my door to ask for something? A cup of sugar maybe I don't know? I was expecting her to reply with something like "oh hi, do you have any xyz"...

Nope. She gave a silent "hey" and brushed right past me. And only then when the smell of my own shampoo hit me did I notice her hair was wet. Like. Fresh out the shower a minute ago wet.

Now I'm not saying she showered in my house. Or that I have a stalker that's been living in my house while I've been at work. She very easily could have just been there to ask for something. And most generic brand shampoos smell the same.

But don't the pieces all fit a bit too well? Her hair colour matches the hairs I would find around my apartment. And like I said before, they were EVERYWHERE. In my bed to in my sock draws.

And if it is a case of me having a stalker? How did she know I came home early enough to bolt out the shower in time? Our apartment doesn't have cameras, its an older building from before 2000. And why would she be stalking me? For how long has she been doing this? We've never dated, never had a proper conversation, I maybe saw her 20 times in the past 2 years given that I work and she (presumably) studies or works too.

As all these thoughts are buzzing through my head and I'm standing outside my door for a solid 2 minutes grappling with what just happened. I go to turn the key to my door and it opens without me having to unlock it. And I know for a fact I always double lock my door. It's the type with a lock near waist level and a 2nd more secure lock with a different key around shoulder level.

I drop my bag, throw off my shoes and run to the shower. And yep. It's wet. I hadn't showered since yesterday morning.

I'm a confrontational person, not that I go looking for fights but I'll definitely pursue an answer if something is bugging me. So back down the stairs to the 3rd floor I went, knocked on the door of my apparent stalker and her family. She opens the door but with the chain still on. I see half of her face from behind the door.

"Yes?" - "Umm can I help? Were you at my door or inside? I don't want to make this a police thing now but you came down the stairs and I know you were inside?" - "I just had to get something, it won't happen again.. ok bye see you"

Door closed.

This happened last month, I've been cleaning my house every weekend closely now and got the locks changed and put a motion sensor camera above my door. It only films and triggers on the steps coming up to my door so the 4th apartment still have their privacy.

So far so good, I don't think she's been inside since. But looking back, I think she'd been living in or going in or whatever in to my apartment since January because that's my earliest memory of finding hairs. She never took anything of value like my laptop or the few watches I have. Seemingly she just showered and ate some of my food and laid in my bed?

I do now also always take the elevator and avoid the 3rd floor like the plague.

EDIT: I'm not really worried about my safety because 1. I'm 200lb and do a lot of fighting training and 2. The new camera has never gone off once since installed other than myself triggering it when I'm home. Finally 3. I told the old retired husband and wife on the 4th floor that I suspected a robber was trying to break into my apartment last month (I didn't want to start spreading rumours and gossip) and asked them to keep an ear out when I'm at work. I feel fine and safe. Just creeped out. Like my personal space had been violated.

EDIT 2: Someone DMed me to check my coats and bags for airtags as to how maybe she knew I was coming home early that day. I don't have a lot of stuff so I think I would have 100% found it by now given how often I clean but I'll defo do another sweep of my stuff.

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COMMENTS

RideThatBridge >How in the hell is she getting in?? You need to inform her parents and the landlord and explain you will call the police if you even suspect she’s back in there. > >Locks changed, hidden cameras inside and obvious one on outside of your door. WTF?!? > >OOP >>Genuinely no idea. Off the top of my head maybe she called a locksmith and did the old "I'm the gf/owner and got locked out" deal. But even then, that doesn't explain how she'd get a key? Unless locksmiths offer that service and I'm not aware. >> >>I would go to the police but I have no evidence. Even the police picked up her hairs across the apartment they could easily just think we had a fling or something and now I'm trying to get a restraining order or something. I don't want to get things messed up. >> >>There's no landlord, I own the apartment, I think pretty much everyone owns theirs in our building. >> >>I would love to inform her parents but how do you even start that conversation? The dad's a bus driver who works crazy hours and the mum's a teacher (I think), both in their 50s I don't know honestly how to go about this.

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LifeworksGames >Why do I get the feeling that this girl may just have a very tragic backstory. > >Either that or she was just intruding for funsies, but I doubt that. > >OOP >>She's an introvert for sure, I know her parents somewhat because they're quite the chatty type. I'm pretty sure her dads a bus driver and the mums (maybe) a teacher? They're seemingly a very normal happy and healthy family. >> >>The mum would always bring me cake on Christmas and stuff because she knows I live alone and I'd give them gifts from my travels. So really no clue (that I can pick up on) that she has a tragic home life.

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Pineapplegirl1234 >That’s prob what time she always leaves. Imagine if you would have caught her in your shower. Wild!! > >OOP >>I go gym like 6am to 8am and work 9am to 5pm ish. So I was back home around 8:15am ish that day. If that's the case then she was waking up at 5:30 and waiting for me to leave. But why go through so much creepy extra effort just to take a shower at some guys house??

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CPlus902 >That's pretty fuckin' creepy. The tamest answer I can think of is that she has/had a thing for you, and instead of doing the Normal Person Thing and talking to you, flirting experimentally, and maybe even asking you out if you didn't do it first, she opted for the Very Weird Thing and started sneaking into your apartment when you weren't there. > >OOP >>The one person I told this story too IRL is a female friend I've had since we were kids. She threw out a similar theory especially when I said I noticed after my food would go missing and it wasn't me eating and forgetting. She suggested that maybe she was "role-playing" or something at my house. I mean. Definitely creepy. >> >>But yea I think a text or letter asking me to a coffee may have been the more LEGAL approach if she has a thing for me.

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0123justme0123 >Is it possible she had a set of keys from the prior owner of your apartment? Sometimes neighbors leave keys with each other when they go away to water plants, feed animals, take mail in, etc. Or if you did change them when you moved in did you ever lose your keys? Is there a window she could have gotten in through? However she managed it she was probably using your place as her own personal getaway space away from her family. I can't believe she would have the guts to do that, and it's still super creepy to know someone invaded your privacy and was in your home on multiple occasions. > >OOP >>I moved in before her family if I’m not mistaken, like a year before hand so I doubt they’d have any left over spare keys from the previous tenants who I never even met. It never occurred to me to change the locks when moving in mostly because I live in a small town that has like 1 mugging a year. Low crime so you know. Window is impossible I’m on the 5th floor and all my windows look out to the building so unless she’s Spider-Man it’s not happening. I’m 99% sure now following other comments she went to a lock smith and maybe lied about ID or something to get some illegal keys. Bad enough she invaded my privacy but she helped herself to everything in the house too like even my bed seemingly.

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kakashi_hotcakes >how many bathrooms are there per unit? just one? since she had all day but was (caught) going in the morning i wonder if it started out with her and her parents needing the bathroom at the same time and rather than just waking up earlier, she decided to use yours. once she got more comfortable, she started helping herself to your food etc. since someone like that would clearly have no boundaries > >OOP >>It’s one per unit. And it’s insane if she thought that breaking into my house and making herself at home in my bedroom and kitchen via an illegal key was the better option than setting an alarm earlier. >> >>EitherOrResolution >>>She’s a weird teenager >>> >>>OOP >>>>Pretty sure she’s like 19+ just because her parents told me she graduated if I’m not mistaken unless they were talking about a sibling I’ve not come across.

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Final update - after 6 days

^(May 12, 2026)

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[UPDATE] For months I was confused why I kept finding long hairs in my house. Then I saw my neighbour coming out of my house.

Hi all, update following my last post a week back about me catching neighbour coming out of my apartment having used my shower.

My cousin’s husband is a police officer so I went to him directly about filing a report. He came over to my apartment first as I gave him a visual break down of what happened on the stairs and changes odd things I’d noticed in my apartment since January. Primarily just hairs everywhere and missing food. And how my door was unlocked that day. Though I did a thorough clean following the event on the stairs my police friend was able to still find some hairs and so he bagged those up.

I gave him my statement in detail and some dates best I could, when I remember finding the first hair; when I first noticed food going missing etc.

Also he advised me not to talk to the family not even with a friend to avoid any confusion or get lawyers involved or muddy the waters with accusations.

With all that done he left and came back 2-3 days later. He and his partner went to talk to the family on Sunday because they knew both parents would likely be home then. Long story short she confessed to everything immediately and broke down into tears and apologised once my police friend brought up how 5 months of entering someone’s house even with keys is still very much an offence and she could easily end up with a sentence of some should I pursue it. And that that sentence could very easily involve the inside of a jail cell irregardless of if she stole something or not. (I don’t know how true this is, it might have just been my friend and his partner pressing and exaggerating for a confession but it worked).

They talked for an hour with the parents and her all in the same room to get answers from her. Then the same day he came up to mine with his partner and they gave me the breakdown.

Answers to commonly asked questions below:

• how did she get in/have her own keys?

The locks on our doors are the type that use a code on the lock barrel that only the manufacturer or partnered/approved locksmiths have access to. She knew this because her parents got the locks changed when they first moved in. And in fact she used the same locksmith from all the way back then.

The locksmith presumably remembered the family and apartment but just didn’t pay attention to it being the 5th floor this time instead of her own 3rd floor. So he came over and took the barrel out, saw the code, went and made a set of keys and done. I was none the wiser. Both my locks on my door are different brands but presumably they operate in the same way so having 2 locks made no difference.

• what was she doing in my apartment?

Anyone who said she just needed space, you were right. She has 2 younger step-siblings and her mother is a tutor (not a teacher as I presumed previously, she tutors at home) so at any given point there’s always some kids around the house. She would say to her parents she was going out to study or work or a girl friends house and use my house as a hotel while she studied or relaxed. The reason she used mine was partly because she knew it would be empty but also because my schedule was predictable. As I work an average 9-5 like everyone else but leave the house at 6-6:30 to get gym done too that essentially gave her the house from 6 to 5.

• How long?

My guess was right. It started in January, once she figured I’d broken up with my gf at the time around November. My gf would stay at mine when I went to work and back sometimes so yea that would have been an interesting situation if they had crossed paths.

• So then how did she knew I was coming home early that day? And that I wasn’t going to work straight after gym like usual and so she bolted out the shower? Or on the days I didn’t go gym how did she know not to come in?

Two fold. Firstly I go to a commercial gym in my country and so they have an app. Irregardless of if you’re a member or not, one of the things the app lets you see is how many people are in each branch so you can see how full it is. All you have to do is download it and scan the QR code at the entrance by the turnstiles to add it to the “my gyms” tab. It literally shows you like “Branch No. 21 (Address) - 9/50 - 18% full”, she would refresh the app in the morning and if it went up by 1 around 6-6:30am and she heard me go downstairs or use the elevator (not hard when it’s 6am and the apartment is otherwise silent) then she would know the house is empty.

Now for the creepiest most messed up bit of it all. She had put an AirTag on my car. She insisted that she had only put it recently and initially just presumably gambled that I wouldn’t be home sooner than expected (or maybe she just put an ear to the door), but then one thing lead to another and yea. (I don’t know how much I believe this, again this could be an attempt to not look so guilty)

That day when we clashed she refreshed the app and saw I left the gym, but then my car didn’t move, she connected the dots and tried to leave asap. When she heard me coming up the stairs she didn’t have time to lock up and so we met on the stairs with my door remaining closed but not locked. (Extra detail, the AirTag was stuck to under my car).

• The using my shower?

She claims she didn’t do it always just on hot days or days she couldn’t at home. I can’t deny or confirm this, like I said previously being a gym goer id shower 5+ times a week so.

• How did her parents never notice?

Well the dad leaves early for work, 5am ish since his bus route starts around 6. The mom is up around 6-7. But since she’s preparing for her own students for the day + her own kids to send to school she wasn’t too bothered what her eldest 20 year old daughter was doing really. She’d just say “I’m going to the college library” or “I’m going to my girlfriend’s” and that was good enough.

• Did she have a thing for me like a crush?

My police friend didn’t really say anything about this presumably he never asked since it’s not as important as other details or it never came back. It makes little difference.

• How’s my standings with the family right now?

The mum and dad both apologised to me. The mum via text and the dad in person at my door, he offered to pay for the camera I installed as his daughter was the direct cause of it but it was cheap off of amazon so I said no it’s fine. We had a 10-15 minute conversation and he was very apologetic and explained his daughter had always been extremely quiet and well behaved so something like this would never have crossed his mind in a million years.

He added that his daughter’s never had a boyfriend (at least that he knows of) and only has a few friends so her social interaction skills aren’t necessarily top notch and that even when guests would come she’d hide away in the spare room. So to the few people who predicted that maybe Covid and lockdown lead to her not having good social interaction skills. You were half right. He again offered me money for my troubles like missing food, new locks and cleaning etc but I felt bad enough already I declined.

He did also ask if I would press charges and I again said no. More on that below. He said he will send his daughter to apologise to me in person too when the situation has calmed down as she’s apparently very very tense and upset and hasn’t left her room in days.

• Am I going to press charges?

No. I’m still not happy about the situation ESPECIALLY the f**ing AirTag on my car, but the family is apologetic as well as the culprit herself and honestly no one is going to gain anything from this. I would like an apology though. (For anyone that cares about the extra detail, she got the AirTag as a gift a while back from her parents because she kept losing her stuff)

• Have I seen her since?

No, she won’t apparently leave her room and is terrified that I’ll press charges, though presumably her family’s told her I said I won’t.

• How do I currently feel?

Well I was never especially worried or nervous just really really creeped out about the whole situation. It felt like I’d been a parasite host and somehow never noticed until then. I currently still feel a little angry and a small part of me is thinking to seek “revenge” but any “revenge” I seek like money or slander is truthfully going to impact the parents more than her.

• Do I feel bad for her?

Truthfully? No. She’s not 10. She’s 20 or something and educated so yea you should be remorseful, feel guilty and scared. Get over that hump and we’ll talk. Plus there’s loads of spaces for young adults like public libraries and her college spaces. By no means was my house the only viable option.

• Finally. Did she use my bed? Or wear my clothes?

Believe it or not. Yes. She did.

• Any advice I can give?

Check your wifi devices. If I had checked that I would have noticed her phone and laptop all the way back when. Obviously my wifi modem is in my house and so she helped herself to that. Again it’s one of those things. How often does one check their wifi devices. Truthfully, with all my family visiting me and their devices I probably wouldn’t have noticed 1 extra phone amongst the existing 10+ but I 100% WOULD have noticed the 1 extra laptop. So let that be a lesson to all. And yes I have removed her devices from the list and changed my password.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

OOP to a long comment >I don’t feel bad for her, I feel bad for her family. > >I don’t think she’s a threat to anyone at this point. Her parents will most likely have her on a very tight leash from now on. > >100% there’s mental issues at play here, that combined with her not really stealing anything or doing me any major harm makes me not so mad and vengeful. > >I’m not trying to be all macho, I just don’t think the legal process is worth the effort. If anything happens again her names on file and the police have her noted down as someone who’s committed breaking and entering. I suspect if as much a toothpick goes missing somewhere and is reported she’ll be a suspect.

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Due_Addition_587 >When you first posted this, I thought she was an awkward tween. She is 20 years old! Personally, I would press charges so she sees how bad this behavior is. What if she uses the info she's gained doing this to you to do things like, a) rob somebody; b) stalk somebody; c) hurt somebody. She sees she can get away scot-free. > >This wouldn't necessarily hurt the parents more than her - she is a grown-ass adult!! > >OOP >>I don’t think pressing any charges is worth it. It’s a long legal process and her getting a jail sentence isn’t going to make me any happier or less violated. >> >>Her parents and the police are aware of her actions and so I’m sure she’ll be on a tight leash and very well behaved from now on.

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dembowthennow >Why did she do this? Did she ever explain her motivations? > >OOP >>Too many kids in the house. She wanted her own space. And so she welcomed herself to mine. >> >>That’s what she says at least. Take it with a grain of salt.

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OOP to a long thread >Not so easy given that I’ve purchased this apartment, if I was only renting I’d most likely be looking to leave. I’ve put a camera on my entrance and everyone’s aware now. Parents, police, me, some of my family and her. > >If as the camera triggers or I get even the slightest hint of her breaking in and again I’ll rain down hell but I don’t think she has the guts at all.

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Ok-Appearance-866 >I'm glad you got answers. If it were me, that would be the part that would have bothered me the most. Very concerning behavior on her part. I think my first call would be to the locksmith to let them know what happened. Think about it: if the locksmith had not been so lackadaisical about it all, this never would have happened to you. > >OOP >>My police friend spoke to the locksmith. He was meant to check for ID or proof of residence I’m pretty sure but didn’t. So he got a visit from the police to let him know what happened so he’s more careful next time.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/King_Jake200

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 15, 2026

• Final Update: May 11, 2026

---

Main Post

^(April 15, 2026)

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AITA for installing a camera in my room to see if my mom is lying to me?

I (19M) and my mom (49F) have had numerous fights the past few weeks. Most of which are on the same topic. That being her going into my room and looking around without me knowing.

Basically, every time I would leave the house for work or anything else, I would always leave my door fully closed, but would come back to it open. Also, I would be incredibly positive that certain things had been moved around or straight up gone.

So naturally, I’d ask my mom if she had gone into my room. She would always say no. Now, maybe the first couple times I could play it off and me forgetting to close my bedroom door. But once it stated happening multiple times a week, I knew that wasn’t the case.

So, yesterday I went out and bought one of those Bluetooth surveillance cameras. At this point, I was positive she was going in my room behind my back and then lying about it. I just say wanted proof, because I knew this would just continue happening otherwise.

This morning, before I left for work, I made sure the camera was working, closed my bedroom door completely, then headed out. At around midday, I got a notification on my phone that the camera had detected some motion. So I pulled it up to view the recording. Wouldn’t you know it, there was my mom going threw my drawers, closet, and desk. She was even grabbing certain things and tossing them out into the hallway. I closed the video feed seething, making sure I saved it first, and planned to confront her first thing when I was done my shift.

When I got home, I immediately asked her if she had gone into my room. She said no. I responded by pulling up the video and holding my phone in front of me so she could see it. Instead of apologizing, she exploded. She screamed at me for installing a camera in her house without her permission. I responded by demanding an explanation for her going in my room. She insisted that she had a right to as my mother. She began questioning certain things in my room, to which I said it’s none of her business.

At this point I was done. I stormed off and went to my room. Within the hour, my phone started blowing up with messages from family, all siding with my mom, telling me I’m insane for putting up a camera. I kid you not, the entire family is on my moms side, except my dad. Unfortunately my dad can’t stop this himself, as my parents split up a yeas ago and he isn’t allowed in my moms house.

I swear I’m doing nothing wrong here. Like, it’s my only space in the house where I keep my things, relax, and do my own stuff. Or am I just completely out of my mind?

AITA?

Extra Information:

I have never stolen anything. Not from stores or other family members. I have never had a history of drugs or smoking/vaping. The things I saw from the video of her taking from my room have been these: A notebook, a pair of sneakers from my collection, a few pairs of my paints, some plastic cloths hangers, my second bedside lamp, and old pay-checks from my work.

I also don’t pay rent.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Puzzleheaded-Alarm81 >Ask her what she's looking for? Seems like she's trying to find something? > >OOP >>I can’t get a clear answer from her. She just goes in a series of loops of denying, I’m your mother, and repeat. It’s very infuriating. >> >>But I literally have nothing to hide. No drugs, no alcohol, just nothing.

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veronica-volt >NTA. You have a right to your privacy. HOWEVER... your mother owns the home you have a room in. I suggest you either save up to leave, or have a lockbox/safe to keep whatever is precious to you, hidden away. There is very little I can recommend since you are technically an adult and it is legally her home. Unless she threw away something expensive and not illegal to possess (drug paraphernalia for instance), you can't exactly call the cops on her. If you are paying rent, then you could ask for a contract with privacy stipulation and a key lock on the door, but given how everything has been blown up, I don't think your mother will give way. Parents use housing as a form of control, so really the only move is to leave and threaten low or no contact. What was thrown away? > >OOP >>From what I could see in the recording, she threw one of my notebooks, a pair of my many shoes (I have a collection), and weirdly some plastic cloths hangers. I also have no clue where they ended up. Not in the trash for sure but my moms room has a lock on it so checking there is out of the question.

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XeticusTTV >NTA in anyway. You are and adult and have a right to your privacy. Do you pay rent or are living at home for free? > >OOP >>I live there for free right now. I know how lucky I am to not have to pay rent. But who knows if she’ll just randomly change her mind.

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brokemillionaire572 >Can you move in with your dad? > >OOP >>I absolutely can and that’s probably what is going to happen.

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fl0werg1rlll >NTA at all. shes the one snooping AND lying about it, you literally just gathered proof of what was already happening. the only reason shes mad is bc she got caught not bc the camera is some grand violation > >"i have a right to as my mother" yeah no, youre 19 not 9. and the fact that she was throwing your stuff into the hallway?? what was she even looking for. her exploding instead of apologizing tells you everything > >family piling on is classic, they always go after the person who exposed the problem instead of the person who caused it. youre not crazy. only thing id say is start thinking abt how to move out long term bc this dynamic isnt gonna get better while you live there > >OOP >>I’ve talked to my dad about this. He said I’m always welcome at his place and can spend as long as I want there. I’m probably going to his place, and I’m considering permanently.

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angel9_writes >Show your family the video and ask them explain how that is normal and acceptable. > >How did she spin to them? > >Can you look into living with your dad? I'd start planning a way to move out. > >OOP >>I showed all of my family with video. Literally no improvements there. They say the camera is inappropriate or still hit me with the “she’s your mother” bs. >> >>And yes, I can move in with my dad if needed. Although at this point it’s likely. She wasn’t backing down to begin with and given the rest of the family (minus my dad) aren’t either.

&nbsp;

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CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

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&nbsp;

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Main post updates - made over 1 week period

---

Update 1:

Over the course of the week, I’m going to start moving things to my dads place. I’m also not telling my mom about it until everything is gone. I appreciate you all making me realize my mom was overstepping a lot.

---

Update 2:

I did what many of you suggested and checked my credit to make sure no money went magically disappearing. I’m pleased to see that nothing was gone, but that still didn’t stop me from locking it. As for as I know she doesn’t have any information on it, as the paystubs don’t actually have my card number or any information for my account, just the money I was payed over a certain period. Again, thanks to all of you who replied! I greatly appreciate all of you!

---

Update 3:

Moved my first couple things over to my dads. Lucky my mom wasn’t home when I did that, so it was really easy. I will continue to do this throughout the week.

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Update 4:

I can no longer view the video feed from the camera. I just get a “unable to connect” pop-up. I don’t think I need to be Sherlock Holmes to figure this out, although I won’t know for sure until I go back tomorrow to grab more stuff. It was still in its normal spot earlier today when I went to grab stuff.

---

Update 5:

Sorry for the long wait on the next update. I wanted to stay away from the post for a bit just to clear my head. I have moved over a lot more things to my dads. Also, I have decided that I’m not going to move everything. Some things just aren’t worth moving. My dad said he’d help me buy some of the things I won’t move over. Oh yeah, and the camera is gone. Not in the trash, like straight up disappeared. I’ll just let y’all thoughts run wild on that. I’ll only update one last time, which is when I’m officially at my dads. Again, I greatly appreciate every single one of your support.

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Final update - after 26 days

^(May 11, 2026)

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Final update: AITA for installing a camera in my room to see if my mom is lying to me?

At my dads now y’all!!! I actually moved a week ago, just didn’t get around to update this post. My mom has tried to call me around 3 times a day, but I always decline the calls. I’m positive she will try to play the victim and blame me somehow (she has done that before over other things).

But yeah, I feel much better at my dads. The room at my dads actually has a lock on it, so I don’t even need to worry about privacy. Not saying I don’t trust my dad, because I absolutely do! Again, all of your support over these past few weeks was greatly appreciated. I wish I could give you all a big hug rn lol. But this is last you’ll hear from me on this post. Take care everybody!!!

&nbsp;

---

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Ok_Lobster6092

Published on: r/offmychest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 05, 2025

• Final Update: May 11, 2026

---

Main Post

^(October 05, 2025)

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My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

I don't even understand why this is an issue, but the drama and the fallout is getting to me and I'm tired of hearing about it.

My (32M) younger brother Dave (31M) has a new girlfriend Rachael (30sF) My parents (54 M/F) already met her once, and they said they would take everyone out for dinner so she could meet the rest of us; myself and my older brother Steve (33M). We didn't go anywhere expensive, my parents just took us to Canadian Brewhouse. At first everything was fine but then it got weird when it came time for us to order. After Steve gave his order (mac and cheese) Rachael said 'but I was going to order that'.

We were all confused because no one said Rachael couldn't also order the mac and cheese. Our server was confused too and told Rachael the kitchen wasn't sold out of mac and cheese. But Rachael said she needed another minute with the menu. She asked Steve twice before the server came back if he was sure about his order. She ended up ordering something different but for the rest of the night she kept talking about how she wanted to get the mac and cheese. It was really weird.

Dave is mad at Steve for not ordering something else to accommodate Rachael and at the rest of us for not "defending" her. I don't even know what he means by that. The rest of the dinner was so awkward because Rachael kept talking about wanting the mac and cheese. My parents picked the restaurant because Dave said Rachael had been there before and liked the food. It was so weird.

My dad and I both ordered the same sandwich with the side salad and there was no problem with us eating the exact same thing even though Rachael asked us twice if one of us wanted to change our order. I honestly don't get what the issue was or why she was so upset about Steve for ordering the same thing she wanted. I know this is a small thing compared to some of the things that get posted here, but I am tired of Dave being upset and causing drama over this. He wants Steve to apologize to his girlfriend but (obviously) Steve says he didn't do anything wrong.

I just needed to vent about how I'm sick of Dave making a big a deal about this and bothering me and everyone else about how hurt Rachael is. I don't even get why it was problem. Rachael gave no explanation and neither has Dave.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Successful_Bitch107 >Did anyone ask her why she didn’t order the Mac and cheese? > >OOP >>She just said it was because someone else already ordered it. She didn't elaborate or explain when asked. She was asked at least once to elaborate before the server returned to finish taking our orders. For the rest of the dinner we kept trying to change the topic whenever she brought up the mac and cheese because it was so awkward. Now Dave won't give an explanation when anyone asks why this caused such a problem for Rachael, even if he gets asked why. I honestly have no idea why this became such a big issue. My dad and I both ate the exact same thing and everything is fine.

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NeighborhoodVivid106 >What would this girl do if, rather than going out for dinner, parents had invited her to their home for dinner where, presumably, everyone would be eating the same thing? Her behaviour makes no sense whatsoever and Steve absolutely does not owe her an apology. If she wanted mac and cheese she should have ordered it. The beauty of going out for dinner is that everyone, including Steve, gets to eat whatever they want. > >OOP >>My parents met her once before the dinner I wrote about in my post. It was just my parents, Dave and Rachael over at my parent's house. I know my parents made lasagna, and they said she didn't say anything about getting a plate of it from the same pan as my parents and Dave. She ate it and complimented the cooking so my parents had no idea she had an issue until we were at the restaurant and she got weird about ordering.

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OOP to a long thread >If Dave and Rachael didn't want to order the same thing so they could share it wouldn't be weird. Same for my parents. > >It was weird because Rachael didn't want to order the same food as her boyfriend's brother, someone who would not be sharing with her. Even if two people in a relationship wanted to share their meals with each other, the restaurant we were at wasn't the kind where people normally share. Each person got their own separate meal. Rachael and Steve are not dating and had just met each other for the first time. It was also weird because Rachael asked/hinted that Steve should change his order and wouldn't stop talking about it for the rest of the night. She also commented more than once about my dad and I ordering the same thing even though neither of us were sharing our food.

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Lilybeeme >How is she going to have dinner at home with family? Does she expect an entirely different meal to be served to her on Thanksgiving? She needs help > >OOP >>Since Thanksgiving is in a week and Dave and Rachael's relationship is new, she isn't spending it with our family. >> >>My parents did meet Rachael once before we all went. Dave and Rachael went to my parent's place. My parents made lasagna, and they said she didn't complain about getting a plate of it from the same pan as my parents and Dave. She ate it and complimented their cooking so my parents had no idea she had this of problem until we were at the restaurant and she got weird about Steve ordering what she wanted. >> >>Reasonable-Newt4079 (downvoted) >>>In a week? Lol time is moving fast but not that fast… it’s a little under two months away. >>> >>>OOP >>>>I'm not an American. We don't recognize whatever date American Thanksgiving is. (I don't know why you think I'm American when it's clear to anyone reading my original post that I'm not).

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OnefortheMonkey >I don’t get it. Did you ask her why? > >OOP >>We did. We did try asking her, but she never explained. All she said was "it is because someone else already ordered it". >> >>Rachael didn't explain further even when we asked. She was asked at least once before the server got back to finish taking our orders. >> >>For the rest of the dinner, the rest of us (besides Dave) would just change the subject whenever Rachael brought up the mac and cheese because it was super awkward. We just wanted to move on and try to enjoy dinner. >> >>Dave won't give us an explanation whenever anyone asks why this caused such an problem. My dad and I both ordered the same thing and there was no problem. I don't know why ordering the same thing as Steve was such a problem for her.

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Final update - after 7 months

^(May 11, 2026)

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UPDATE: My younger brother's girlfriend is upset because my older brother ordered the same meal as her at a family dinner, and now there is drama

It's not a long or exciting story but the update is that I will no longer go to restaurants if Rachael is going to be there. She doesn't get upset if we're having dinner at someone's home and everyone is eating the same thing. My parents met her once before the incident in my first post. They made lasagna for dinner and Rachael didn't say a thing about everyone getting a piece of lasagna from the same pan. She ate it without complaining. Rachael only gets weird and upset if we're at a restaurant or getting takeout, not if it's a home cooked meal at someone's home.

After the first incident, the one I mentioned in my first post, Dave was insistent that Steve apologize to Rachael and make amends even though Steve didn't do anything wrong. Dave always defends Rachael when she acts weird about this. I get that you are supposed to be on the same team as whoever you're dating, but Dave refuses to see that Rachael is in the wrong and I'm not the only one who is tired of it.

The last straw for me was at my cousin's 16th birthday. Rachael got upset because my cousin ordered the meal that she wanted and she tried to get my cousin to change his mind. My aunt and my uncle were not happy and they really don't like Rachael now. No one knows what her problem is. She just says she doesn't like it when people order the same thing and won't explain more.

She even asks other people who order the same meal if one of them wants to change their order (like when my dad and I ordered the same thing the first time we met her). At the restaurants where this happens (Canadian Brewhouse, Milestones etc.) everyone gets a separate meal. They are not the kind of places where you order food for the table and share. I don't understand why this bothers her so much but I just won't go to restaurants if she's there now because she makes such a big deal about and you can't even enjoy yourself. I'm not the only one who avoids her either.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Mapilean >Rachael sounds exhausting. > >OOP >>She is. When Dave first started mentioning her, everyone was happy for him. Steve and I were excited because we both served in the armed forces and found out she did as well, and we thought we would have lots in common with her. But now all this has soured me on her. Steve can barely stand to be around her after how she and Dave acted. >> >>Hungry_Breadfruit_16 >>>She served? >>> >>>OOP >>>>Yes, she served in the RCAF. (Different branch than either Steve and I were in, but we still thought we would have lots in common with her)

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Duck_Wedding >Does she try to sample what everyone else ordered? Either way other people’s food order are not her business. > >OOP >>No. As I mentioned in my post the restaurants we had gone to are not the kind where everyone orders for the table and shares. Everyone orders their own separate meal and no one would share it, especially with someone they barely know.

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mrs-peanut-butter >Only thing I can imagine is that it’s some kind of OCD, but whatever it is, it’s her responsibility to manage. It’s absolutely wild that they won’t explain and just seem to expect you all to know what a grave sin Steve committed. > >Out of curiosity, did she react at all to you and your dad eating the same thing, at the restaurant? Like, keep glancing over or seem uncomfortable or anything? > >OOP >>Yes. She asked both of us if we were sure that we didn't want to order something else. Twice. She brought it up multiple times once the food came. She doesn't like it when anyone orders the same meal, even if it is other people. It is so bizarre.

&nbsp;

---

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Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/IDontliketwittter

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 22, 2026

• Final Update: April 27, 2026

---

Main Post

^(April 22, 2026)

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My Girlfriend's twitter is grossing me out

I saw her twitter account over her shoulder. I didn't really care much but a couple days later when I was on twitter I decided to check it out because it's not the one I know of and I'm not gonna lie it gave me the ick as corny as I feel saying that.

For context we’re both half Black and half white. She’s very light skinned. if it wasn’t for her hair, most people would probably assume she’s white. I only mention that because it ties into the kind of stuff she posts.

She basically runs one of those accounts if you know what I mean. she'll quote tweet things like "white people are so ugly (crying emoji)" in response to some celebrity gossip. she'll tweet things like "men really wanna be victims so bad (crying till I'm laughing emoji's)" in response to some dude talking about being lonely and it's just like, ew man. The thing is I know she's engagement baiting to an extent. in the sense that if she were talking to somebody in real life she'd be more reasonable about her positions but still

1. like I said we’re both mixed but like most half black/half white people we've typically just been considered black our whole lives but in reality we're as white as we are black. she very much passes as white to most people so seeing her constantly dunk on white people, men, etc is just weird to me. She'll tweet about "good melanin" like...? You are paler than most white people. You have no melanin

2. It’s a type of online personality I already dislike. The extremely obnoxious, smug, morally righteous person who's just outright being shitty to others but feels justified because they're a minority again quote tweeting when 2 celebrities are dating about how ugly the man is and women need to stop settling for ugly men.

3. A lot of it is just straight mean. She’ll quote tweet a random woman saying “this is my ideal body type” calling the guy in the picture fat and ugly. The dude will be in pretty solid shape too, like clearly works out just not shredded maybe 15/20 pounds too big. I think And people in the replies will call her out because she’s also criticized people for judging women’s bodies. Her response will be something like “because women are better. Hope this helps!”

That’s the part that really gets me. It’s not even just jokes, it’s like doubling down on being hypocritical and mean. I think she thinks it's different cause the whole concept of punching down vs punching up or whatever. I think the main thing is if I saw this account and didn’t know it was her, I would 100% think “this person is a loser” That’s harsh but that’s honestly my gut reaction to accounts like that.

So now knowing it is her is kind of messing with how I see her.

I don’t know if I’m overreacting because it’s just online or if this is actually a red flag about her personality/values

Do I bring it up? Ignore it? Am I making this a bigger deal than it is? What does this conversation look like?

EDIT

obligatory "actually my partner is really great" speech cause I can feel myself getting defensive over her with the way y'all are dogging her lmao. she’s 23, college educated, upper middle class, biracial, bisexual woman. she’s exactly as progressive as you’re imagining. But she’s not some over the top, man hating caricature despite the twitter

I'm a high school dropout. I'm not smart or educated or anything yet she held me down when I had nothing. No money, no job, no home. She paid my phone bill, paid for dates, never made me feel like the loser I was. She always believed I’d get my life together even when I didn’t, always gassed up my Youtube videos before I was making good money despite them being terrible in hindsight.

She's always sweet to everyone (believe it or not) smartest person I know(she's gonna be a doctor), and has great character, left her whole friend group cause one cheated on their BF and they all tried to cover it up. When I was down because I had no money and couldn't afford to get her anything for her birthday all the sudden I miraculously found $40 in my wallet that I know she put there. she never said a word about it.

She told people her car was mine so I didn't feel emasculated, even little things like pretending she can't open jars that I know she can so I can feel like a hero for a second, and also she's drop dead gorgeous. Not even being biased but an actual 10/10. this is a genuine 99th percentile women here

Just saying give her a little bit of grace here lol

I’ll talk to her about it this weekend since we’re both busy right now. Thanks for all the comments though, I’ve read all of them and will keep going. just writing everything out helped a bit. I’m just hoping she doesn’t act dismissive or worse when we talk. I’ll update you all when it happens

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

MyDirtyAlt79 >Even if a person is only doing it for engagement, they're still promoting that sort of foul mentality. > >So either she believes it, or she's fine benefiting from it. > >Does either really work for you? > >OOP >>I don't know. I think for a lot of people there's a disconnect online and she probably doesn't see it as that deep. Just messing around y'know? >> >>MyDirtyAlt79 >>>Would you promote hate for money, or worse just some social media clout? >>> >>>Would you feel comfortable, every day, looking at the people agreeing with it and cheering it on? >>> >>>The only way a person truly disconnects from that is due to sociopathy. >>> >>>OOP >>>>to an extent right? like I've talked shit about NBA players if they choke in a big moment or something. I don't attack them personally but in a way if I'm calling Kevin Durant "trash" and "washed" at basketball which is what they've spent their whole lives working towards am I better? I feel like it's different but I don't know why

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Kirinizine >I know this is contrary to what all the other comments are saying, but honestly, I get her. There is a massive disconnect between the part of ourselves we show online and the part of ourselves we show to everyone in real life. > >She is participating in a certain subculture you may not understand by virtue of not being part of it. She is performing a role for a community. > >It's totally fair to feel icked out by it. If you feel like it doesn't align with your morals or values, that's fine. Whatever you choose to do about it is your choice. But please do consider that the way she acts towards you is a more accurate reflection of her true character. > >OOP >>This is more what I was expecting people to say. Kinda shocked by the replies here. I guess I kinda wanted to hear this wasn't that big a deal but they're really going at her lol. Thanks for the comment

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Travel_Bestie_ >i feel like this is the right take. all of these sound like internet subculture sayings to me lol, and maybe it’s bc i’m a part of that generation & gender group. i don’t use social media anymore and even when i did i never made posts like this, but i would see them all the time and would never bat an eye haha 🥲 ofc context matters, and if she’s truly bullying people one-on-one i think that’s different. but so far just all of the comments in quotation marks in the original post seem to me like sayings from that subculture. (i also am not understanding the “this is my ideal body type” comment?? was she bullying a man or saying that she LIKES that body type?) > >at any rate OP, while i don’t personally think from the content of your post that she’s being a true bully/mean person, what matters is how YOU feel. idk if any advice from anyone else will help you inform what you’ll do moving forward better than your own gut will. if it’s a dealbreaker to you, talk to her about it and move forward from there. good luck! > >OOP >>Sorry to clear up the "body type" thing. >> >>There was a tweet by another lady that was just an image of a dude. I don't know who the dude is, the lady wasn't quote tweeting or anything just an image with a caption something like "this is my ideal body type" or "this is women's ideal body type" i don't remember exactly but my GF quote tweeted that saying he was fat and ugly essentially. >> >>I think the body type is like the bear body type if you know what that is. Dude who's in shape but clearly likes eating lol >> >>will talk to her though thanks for the words!

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Immediate_Alarm452 >You are not the expert on your gfs lived experiences. > >Trying to imply she doesnt experience racism because she is "white passing" is...uh. Upsetting. I can just tell you that is not true. A racist white person will always find the reason to be that way and a lot of them will just project hate. You also just flat out say she been "considered black her whole life." She has the right to feel about that however she wants and its not your business. > >You are also not the expert on how she deals with or expresses frustration with misogyny or misogynoir. She's oppressed on two converging axises in a way you cant really have perspective on. She's probably been called ugly a million times by white men for her hair. > >It honestly sounds like you snooped and found things that didn't line up with your personal view of the person (who is also apparently financially supporting you) and now you feel like you have grounds to grandstand about it to try and "get her back in line." > >This whole thread says a lot more about you than her imo. > >OOP >>1. nowhere did I say she doesn't experience racism >> >>2. "she has the right to feel however she wants and its not your business" How my partner feels is my business >> >>3. I don't have to be an "expert how she deals with frustration" not that that even makes sense here. I'm her partner it's totally fair for me to care about how she behaves >> >>4. finding things that don't line up with your view of your partner is totally a reason for conversation >> >>5. She's not financially supporting me anymore

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Final update - after 5 days

^(April 27, 2026)

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Update: My Girlfriend's twitter is grossing me out

So we down Friday night and talked about it. As soon as I brought it up she made slightly embarrassed look of "ah I understand" To make a long story short she fell into the Twitter back and forth. She was usually just in fandom spaces, she saw something that she felt the need to reply to, replying caused the algorithm to give her more, which caused her to reply more and so on. She went viral quite a few times and got pretty big but now half of the people who see her tweets are checkmark racist/sexist types. So yeah essentially rage baiting out of pettiness and anger. She doesn't think it was that deep or represents how she truly feels but she understands why seeing it would be unpleasant. She agreed she was doing too much and apologized

As for the specific examples her response to "white people are so ugly" She says this was just rage bait. She says there are definitely feelings relating to her whiteness but that had nothing to do with it. She says her feelings on it are more personal than negative towards white people in general. She seemed sure of this. Same with "women settling for ugly men" again not that deep. She does believe it but she doesn't actually care if women date ugly guys lol It's just a part of stan culture (talking shit about celebrities) but she agrees it's mean but she views it as different.

"men wanna be victims" in response to the lonely dude she says that's one of the checkmark sexist dudes who talks about "modern women being whores" and whatnot so she concluded fuck him I hope he's always lonely but again agreed saying "men" there was divisive and mean but she doesn't mean all men she just didn't think about it too much as it's just kinda common vernacular in the space she's in

The "body type" comment was to another checkmark account. A lady this time who again talks about women being whores and such so she says this comment was just her antagonizing the account and the audience and she just didn't really think of whoever the dude was in the picture. same thing with “because women are better. Hope this helps!” just intentionally being an asshole because she hates these people.

Overall just pretty embarrassed and apologetic. She is gonna keep the twitter as it's actually decent sized but she did end up pinning a tweet to her account basically just saying she's gotten too toxic and she's gonna use it to be more positive or at least constructive from now on. Overall I feel better about it

Some people suggested I was a simp or too dependent on her or had some issue with my self esteem I am a bit of a simp for her if I'm honest but in general believe it or not I've actually been too confrontational and too willing to burn bridges etc. And me calling myself essentially a stupid loser (lol) it's just being honest. A grown man with no job deciding to focus on his youtube/music career while his GF handled everything else was loser behavior. This was a down period in my mental state but in general I've been confident and solid as a rock. Thankfully it worked out and I'm a decently successful person now and I really do owe it to her.

To be honest when I posted I was hoping people would tell me it's not a big deal so everyone going "break up" freaked me out a little like... am I just blind to her faults? I'm not a reddit user but my impression of this site was that it's very much in line with her twitter so the reaction caught me off guard lol. I just say all that to contextualize some of what I wrote during the first post. Thanks for the advice. i actually did read all the replies even if it was a lot more than I thought it would be. I still love her, she still loves me, we're good. We'll see in five years if I'm actually being played.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Pokesaurus91 >Just tell her the truth! Which is basically that all her responses will forever be visible by future employers and it’s not a great idea to put rage bait online and align with racists and supremisists. She’s painting herself into a corner that she can’t get out of. > >OOP >>I brought that up. She agreed though we both doubt anyone will ever find it >> >>Tough_Tangerine7278 >>>That’s naive >>> >>>OOP >>>>I think it's fine. I know you see stories of old accounts coming back to bite people but I think it's some form of selection bias. I think a lot of people have accounts that wouldn't be great if somebody found them but you only hear about the ones that are found y'know? overall as long as she chills out from now on I don't think it'll come back 10 years down the line as it's anonymous in the first place

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Stanwii >Username checks out. > >I think you’re being a bit naive, fwiw. But hopefully she keeps her word. Just realize that five years is kind of an insane benchmark. She shouldn’t need that much time to improve. If you give it to her, you’re going to be constantly giving her too much leeway. > >OOP >>I'm not literally gonna wait 5 years. If she starts being shitty tomorrow or something it'll be an issue. That being said I don't think I'm being naive. She seemed very genuine to me and that's all I was really looking for

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Alpaca_Stampede

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 18, 2026

• Update: April 20, 2026

• Final Update: May 11, 2026

---

Main Post

^(March 18, 2026)

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I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

I 38F has been dating David 42M for about 18 months. He lives about 45 minutes away from me (so I thought) And, so we typically only saw eachother in person 1-2 times a week. For me this was perfectly normal. I have no desire to ever get married (my parents marriage was a shitshow) and I focus on my job/career. My job is very involved and demands a lot so I was really grateful to find a partner who understood my time constraints. I was also really happy to find a partner who was able to fully support himself and was not looking to move in together.

We first met at a UKG conference (of all things) at the end of August in 2024. We worked in different industries/fields but we both supported the same software. He was super charismatic and really fun to talk with. He instantly made me feel comfortable and like he was a "friend". We exchanged information at the conference which wasn't out of the ordinary since I also exchanged information with other people at this same conference. The conference was made for users to get in touch with eachother and make local contacts to work with to ask eachother questions about how we use and support the software.

A few weeks later he asked if I wanted to meet up and I'm not going to lie I found him really attractive so I agreed. We got together for lunch and things turned from a colleague situation to a romantic one. Within the next month and a half we had been regularly seeing eachother.

Our lives seemed to work really well together. He understood how demanding my job is and that I don't have the ability to be available for more than texting and a phone calls on a regular basis. He was ok with that and I took that as him making concessions for me and my career.

Over the next 6 months things were really smooth and I felt like I was in the best relationship of my life. Around that April he specifically really pushed me to call ourselves "official" which was a bit weird to me because I felt that we obviously were based on our communication and interaction with eachother. He specifically pushed for me to call us "official" and we were texting eachother multiple times every day. It seemed like a weird switch up and question at the time but Dave made it seem like I was maybe overreacting.

I eventually lost the feeling like things were weird because we fell into this regular schedule of him coming over in the evenings a couple times during the week and him spending weekends at my place. This seemed like a perfectly normal relationship to me, and now I'm just questioning myself constantly and trying to rethink if there were hidden behaviors that I missed

It's now been 3 weeks since his wife reached out to me and basically blew up my world. She introduced herself very kindly, let me know that they have been married for over 15 years and have 2 kids together. I had so many questions because none of this made any sense to me. I responded to her with my questions but after that first contact she never got back to be or responded to me again.

I did some background check digging into Dave and while he does actually work for the company that he claimed, he actually lives in an entirely different state. I really have no idea how he can even travel between the two states so frequently, the cost alone just be crazy unless he's been lying about his job role and he's actually a traveling consultant instead of a system admin. I really don't know at this point.

I've spent over a year of my life on this man who has lied to me the entire time. I feel so incredibly disgusted. On top of this betrayal from Dave, his wife somehow found not only me but also my mother and has reached out to my mom to bash me and say all sorts of horrible things about me. Mind you, Dave has met my mom and w have had dinner together multiple times.

I don't even know where to go from here. At this point I'm ready to just not trust anyone ever again. I am just feeling really lied to, like I'm an idiot for falling for all of this, and I just want to curl up and disappear for a while

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COMMENTS

InfamousCup7097 >It sucks he lied and you ended up in this situation. That being said you need to never contact the wife again. Your relationship with him may have been real for you but the person whose life just turned upside down is actually the wife and the kids. She doesn't owe you answers and she is probably mad about you asking her questions instead of just reading the message, telling her sorry you didn't know, and then moving on to do your own research. > >For a relationship that you are looking for you may encounter more men who are looking for just a side piece. Be careful and do your research before going too far with any potentials. You also might want to avoid meeting people connected to your work in any way. > >OOP >>My main issue is that she is now contacting my family. This has all come out of nowhere for me, she isn't responding to me (which is fine if that is what she wants), but she's contacting my family and claiming all sorts of things about me and calling me all kinds of names to my mom. How is that ok? I had zero idea, but she's making this sound like this is all something that I did to her instead of her husband doing to her. How is that ok?

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Alarmed-Macaroon9506 >Well, I kind of have a couple questions too... In a year and a half had you never been to his place? > >And are you SURE this is another woman texting your mother (and you)... And not somehow possible that Dave is somehow batshit crazy and reaching out to family members and fucking your life up? You're sure this woman exists? > >OOP >>There were weekends that we spent a few hours at his place before we went out to dinner or others dates but looking back I think realistically those could have been air b&bs that he just regularly booked. >> >>ETA I looked up the address of his place and it is an air b&b. I had no reason two think it was that at the time

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Maleficent_Theory818 >She may be attempting to hold the marriage together right now so she is going to go scorched earth on you. It is easier to blame you than him. > >Did he give you any reasons why you couldn’t spend time with him at his place? That is a huge red flag. > >I get you had no idea that he was married. Let your family know what happened and ask them to block her number. If she continues with the harassment, you may want to hire a lawyer to send a simple cease and desist letter. > >OOP >>We did spend some times at his place. Mainly we spent time at my place for my convenience, but we did have several, and I mean 6-10 times, that were at "his place" that now looking the location up I am seeing is an air b&b and I just didn't know how to react to that. I'm just finding that out today. Another level of trust broken.

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Adorable_Strength319 >Is the info that he lives in another state up to date? Did she have proof that they're married? I can't imagine how someone could travel that much and make it work. Like every weekend and a couple nights a week (not staying the night?) -- how much driving would that add up to? I'd start doing that kind of math—hours traveling plus cost. > >At least your mom will believe that you didn't know she was married. I hope she doesn't try to contact your work. > >Have you talked to him? Did he admit it? This blows my mind. > >OOP >>I have avoided talking to him at this point. >> >>Conversations with my mom have been understanding. At the same time I had a nightmare last night about this. I do take melatonin when I sleep but I had a dream that his wife came to my mom's house with her kids with her and discussed with my mom how horrible I am. >> >>I know I'm taking a lot of this guilt onto myself. The background check I did on him shows he has shared property with wife. I genuinely feel so stupid.

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update - after 1 month

^(April 20, 2026)

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Update: I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

1. Even though I never "Ended things" with Dave. I blocked him everywhere and have cut all contact with him. There is no way I will ever be in contact with him again.

2. I did end up contacting a lawyer about the situation because of how Dave's wife (Cindy) ended up escalating the situation. There is now a RO in my state against both of them, and the way my state writes the RO it says the order can be enforced in any other state whether or not the RO has been registered in that state.

3. It is not clear if it is either Dave or Cindy that are continuing to harass me after the RO was put in place, but the harassment has continued, so my lawyer is looking into the situation and is pursuing the case across state lines at this point.

Things ended up escalating quickly after my post. Either the wife or someone close to her that knew the situation found my post. Within 2 days, I started to receive constant text messages (from an area code across the country from them) saying all sorts of horrible things that were directly related to my relationship with Dave. I blocked about 15 different phone numbers before I realized I needed to contact a lawyer about this. My lawyer was able to get an ERO that ended up turning into an RO because of the severity of the messages that I was receiving. To this day I am still getting at least 5-20 text messages per day from random phone numbers around the country. My mother was also getting text messages for a short period of time but that has stopped.

I cannot get into the litigation info too much because I am trying to protect myself and my family. At this point, my lawyer is doing the best that he can to get the harassment to stop and is working with local law enforcement on the possibility that any criminal charges can be filed due to the severity of the harassment.

In response to the comments and messages that I received. Holy hell, no I do not think that my lifestyle choices mean that I will only attract married men. WTF. No, I did not suspect anything based on him being able to accommodate my availability. My work has long hours and has a lot of oncall. I was looking for someone who would be understanding and accepting of my limitations. For the people questioning me visiting his house, yes it was always the same place, yes he had clothes in the closets, food stocked in the fridge and the place looked like it was lived in. I do not have a lot of experience with AirBnB but from what I googled after, this seems pretty common that people will just rent out their fully furnished house. How in the world would I have ever known? Seriously, wtf?

Anyhow, this will likely be my last update. I have had to block out my account because of the amount of DMs I was receiving. Really, some of you can be major assholes.

At this point I just want to be left alone, and it looks like i will be fighting in court to make that happen.

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Final update - after 50 days (after 21 days from last post)

^(May 11, 2026)

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Update I ended up being the other woman and now the wife is trying to ruin my life

I posted 2 months ago about finding out I was the other woman.

A lot has happened in the last 2 months. I immediately broke all contact with David and have not had any contact with him since. I blocked him everywhere. I also had to retain a lawyer mainly because I had no idea where this was going and David's wife was reaching out to anyone she even had a thought knew me. Because she kept reaching out to everyone she could find that had a connection to me, we ended up sending her a cease and desist letter.

I have moved away from the city that was "our place" and he does not know where I live now. He has tried to contact me to "fix" things with us; however, my stance is that there is no "us". Everything he ever told me was a lie.

In response to some of the comments and DMs that I received. No, I do not think it is odd or weird to have a relationship where you only see each other 1-2x a week. Like i said, I am a very busy person, and I do not have a lot of free time. I also went to "his place" regularly. It was a fully furnished apartment with a fully stocked kitchen. There was food in his fridge, snacks in the pantry. There was zero indication that this was not a place that he lived in. Did I go through his closets? No, because who the fuck does that? That is weird as fuck.

At the end of the day I was a victim of a horrible man who was violating his wife and me at the same time. I am seeing a therapist to help process this whole situation.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaway7192022

Published on: r/TwoHotTakes

Previous BORU: BORU-1

Thanks to u/EasyLizin for letting me know about the update.

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 15, 2026

• Update: March 20, 2026

• Final Update: May 10, 2026 [NEW UPDATE]

---

Main Post

^(March 15, 2026)

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Friend's BF is stalking me and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Hi everyone, I've been a listener and lurker for a some time now. I thought I'd come here first I remember a similar post pop up and really need advice on what to do :((

I have been in a few activites with Rory (20F) over the past school year and we grew close, though we were friendly before, but didn't know a lot about each other. I found out she had a boyfriend of a year that happened to be from the same high school I went to (not super odd since a few of my schoolmates from before are also now in my college) and I chalked it up to one of those 'what a small world' kinda things.

Rory and I got even closer this past semester since we are both in the student government and the student paper, we hang out a lot outside of activities and I include her in some of the hangouts of my closer friend group. In one of the hangouts we met her boyfriend Logan (20M).

Ever since that hangout, I keep meeting Logan in places where I would normally be and places where I planned to be. Again, I would normally chalk this up to being a coincidence, but the city where my college is in is HUGEE. I don't even see some of my closest friends on a random day if not for it being planned. It happens on my cafe spot where I study, or places I mention to my friends I'll be doing errands in, it's started to feel scary how often I see him that I get scared going outside and meeting him. He is nice when we meet but I get a sick feeling whenever we talk and I feel like Im being scrutinized or watched.

I don't know how it keeps happening and I haven't realky told anyone because it sounds weird in my own head, what more to others? I want to speak to Rory about it because maybe she has an idea why he is essentially stalking me but I don't really how to move from here or to articulate what I want to say. I don't even know if I should talk to Rory at all because I don't want to come across as a homewreckers or anything or blow up our really nice friendship. Any advice please would be really helpful :((

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Kukka63 >Check your bags and other items for trackers. Do you post a lot on social media telling people what you are up to? Change the routes you take. Please remember you do not have to interact with him just because he's your friend's boyfriend. There's no reason for you to spend any time with him whatsoever. > >OOP >>Thank you, I'll leace if I ever spot him again... I'm pretty lowkey on social media and my instragram has been private since I made years ago. I haven't even though of checking for a tracker...

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Ok_Mathematician262 >does he approach you when you see him in these locations and if so does he try to keep communicating with you or just says hi and goes on his way? i would def try to ignore him or just say hi and go whenever that happens. > >also, are you sharing your location with rory or anyone else that might be his mutual friend? i would personally turn off location sharing except a few most trusted people. i would also block him on sns. > >OOP >>I'll block him asapa. I dont really share location, but I do tend to talk about places I would be (like the library, this grocery store, etc) cause I happen to talk to my friends about it. >> >>The first two times I approached him thinking Rory was with him but after that I got the sense that he would be alone if I ever spot him, since then he was the one approaching me or bumping into me. We use to talk about stuff we have in common, mostly Rory, but as of recent I try to finish the converdation asap and leave...

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Regular-Leopard5384 >Girl, trust your gut. That sick feeling? That’s your intuition trying to protect you. You’re not being dramatic this is genuinely unsettling behavior. The fact that he keeps showing up in places you’ve only mentioned to friends (and in a huge city, no less) is a huge red flag. Please talk to Rory, but be gentle with yourself when you do. You’re not accusing you’re sharing facts and how it’s making you feel. A real friend will listen. And honestly? You deserve to feel safe in your everyday spaces. Sending you strength 💛 > >OOP >>Thank you I really appreciate it! I'm still thinking of how to approach Rory because I've known her less than her boyfriens and I really don't want to blow everything up. I hope I can drop some hints or figure out a way to see if she knows about his behavior

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Update - after 5 days

^(March 20, 2026)

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UPDATE: Friend's BF is stalking me and I dont know how to talk to her about it

Hi everyone!

I wanted to thank the people who gave really sound advice last week on my (honestly rambly post/vent rant) and to those who reached out to check in the days after to see if I alright. I wasnt expecting such a warm and welcoming reception and that really helped me push through this week :))

Before the actual update, here are some stuff I wanted to assure you all:

I had my car checked by three shops and was doubly assured that there wasnt any trackers. We even asked a friend of mine who had a sketchy ex in the past to use their bug sweeper on everything and all (my car, my things, my apartment, my clothes, etc) came out clean.

Someone asked what we normally discuss when we meet and I can't say its anything of note. He normally approaches me and asks me how I am doing and what was I doing at the place and sometimes about what Rory did the day. Sometimes it was what I liked or some questions friends would ask when they get to know each other, which I wouldnt mind answering if it werent for the fact that he was showing up in a lot of places I frequent (and I was suspecting him of stalking me).

Here is the update:

I followed the advice some commenters suggested which was to change my routine. I felt it wasn't enough to randomize it just to avoid him so I decided to do that police tactic thing where certain specific info was given to suspects to see who was the snitch since I honestly dk how he couldve stalked me on some places (some where out of the city, some were pretty hidden spots, etc.)

I told Rory (my new friend and his girlfriend) that I would be in this cafe near school on Wednesday after we had a meeting. I have cleared my suspicion for most of my friends at this point so it was Rory and another that I wanted to test. I stayed with a friend across the road in a bodega and saw Logan come inside the cafe where I said I was after an hour I said I would be there on. I didn't have the best mood after confirming that Logan was using Rory to stalk me, so I didn't go out of my house all of Thursday cause I was stressed out of mind and didnt know how to move forward with the discovery.

Fortunately, Today, I confronted Rory about it after I mustered up all the courage and tried to see if she was unknowingly helping him and she was just relaying info without malice. We met after I texted her that I wanted to talk about the agenda from the Wednesday meeting in a mutual friend's dorm room (who was also present as they were part of the sgov as well + was aware of whats happening with my suspicions) and she came. An hour in of me fiddling and trying to find the right moment to start my hinting, I followed one of the comment of my last post and kind of stated that I kept seeing Logan in all the places Ive been frequenting for the past month.

It started out really well but when I pressed that it was odd that I was seeing him almost every week, she got this really odd look on her face and asked me if I was trying to accuse her bf of being gay, which took me off guard. Yeah, I am gay (not to be confused) but it was weird how she went to that direction?? I backtracked and said that I wasnt accusing him of anything but that I kept seeing him and I brought up the fact that I told her I would be in a cafe on Wed and he came after, which I then asked if he asked her about my whereabouts.

I think things got really out of hand after that and she then said that he did ask but it was more of a 'concerned boyfriend checking on their gf hanging out with a guy' kind of way instead of the stalkerish kind of way. I got really confused here and tried to say that it gave off stalkerish vubes on my perspective and she got really mad that I was, on her mind, accusing her bf of being interested in me and was gay for the second time.

Our mutual friend broke us off cause things were getting loud and incoherent, with no belief that we would make sensible conversation, and Rory left the dorm after that. I did speak to my friend if I was taking it the wrong way and she assured me that (irregardless of my gender and orientation) men had stalkers too and that she supported me if Rory tried to accuse me of anything. I asked my close friends the same thing and assured me that I was very public with my gayness so it would be weird for Logan to assume I would be a threat to their relationship.

I'm currently in my apartment and Im starting to wonder if I was taking it the wrong way?? Would a guy keep tabs on a dude his girlfriend was friends with? Im once again at my wits end but Im trying not to spiral because all the important people (friendsz family, etc) support me. I don't know whats going to happen next but I would be really appreciative for any advice. Thanks.

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EDIT (March 22 2026):

Thank you all for the advice and the comforting words, it truly means a lot to me. Unfortunately, despite what many of the commenters suggested, I am unable to 'fully' break off my tie to Rory (and subsequently her bf) as the semester ends in mid-April for me and we have a ton of year end stuff to go through in the student government and the university paper. Fortunately, I do have other friends in those two orgs so I will be very much applying for their help until the sem ends so I can be with someone at all in case worse comes to reality. Once again, thank you all so much!

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Strange_Chain6551 >Your suspicions were spot on and the fact that Logan showed up at that cafe after you told only Rory proves he's been using her to track you down. The whole "concerned boyfriend" excuse is bullshit - normal guys don't systematically show up everywhere their girlfriend's friends hang out, especially when those friends are clearly not romantic competition. Rory jumping straight to the gay accusation is her deflecting because deep down she probably knows his behavior is weird but doesn't want to admit her boyfriend is a creep. > >You did exactly the right thing with that test - that's some solid detective work right there. The mutual friend backing you up shows other people can see how sketchy this whole situation is too. Trust your gut on this one because Logan's pattern of behavior screams stalker, not "protective boyfriend," and Rory's defensive reaction just confirms she's been feeding him information whether she wants to admit it or not. > >OOP >>Thank you, this was such a tough thing to go through all week and I was starting to think I was jumping the gun. I'm not sure if this will conclusively stop the stalking but I'm continuing randomizing and shutting up about ny whereabouts until I'm sure.

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Historical_Agent9426 >There is the possibility Logan is a homophobe and has been stalking you with the intent to physically harm you. > >I would actually suggest this concern to Rory if she again accuses you of suggesting Logan is gay. And if she keeps it up, I would start to wonder if she is a homophobe and has been egging Logan on, to prove to her he isn’t gay. > >OOP >>I dont want to spiral but I have to admit this has crossed my mind since we fought earlier today. I doubt Rory is like that since she has been a staunch ally since I am openly gay but its doesnt hurt to doubt her... I guess Im reeling a little that this might be a possibility

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No-Lifeguard9194 >That’s not the behaviour of somebody who’s keeping tabs on his girlfriend. Which would be probably about again of itself. Rather, he’s going out of his way to meet up with you. > >OOP >>I said this!!! But for reason Rory was hung up on me accusing her boyfriend when I genuinely am fearing for my safety and she kept denying a man could stalk a man. Theres something going on with them and idk when I can even hear her side when shes pissed and probably told Logan what I said

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BraveRefrigerator552 >I want to say maybe Logan is curious but there are much easier ways to go DL. could he be jealous of your relationship w/ Rory? Like trying to find out what is so neat about you? I mean I have no idea. > >OOP >>I dont go out of my way to hang out with Rory and we mostly hang out for sgov or the paper. We are often surrounded by mutual friends and very rarely one on one alone w each other. I do think that he may be DL and Im hoping my friend and I can find evidence that he is or somethng

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Final update

^(May 10, 2026)

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Update #2: Friend's BF is stalking me and I don't know how to talk to her about it

Hello everyone.

I dont want to make a long update because I dont really wsnt to revisit what happened over the month so I will condense it as much as I can and if anyone has questions, I will do my best to answer.

Long story short: Logan has been taken to the local police station and I have successfully filed a RO on both of them (Logan and Rory).

After the confrontation, Rory began bringing Logan everywhere which did not help their case as rumors spread of what happened with us (dorm room walls are not soundproof) and Logan would just STARE at me whenever Rory was looking away or busy doing something else. Not long after, a lot of our mutual friends dropped Rory as Logan would join their hangouts and would (unprompted) go on a rant about how bad of a person I was (making up lies abt me) and go on a crazed angry speech on "femboids" ruining the image of men in the current age. This kept going for two to three ish weeks during the finals/project phase of school but kind of died down as I finished off everything and prepared to graduate.

Where it went wrong: I had invited my close friends and some others to a nice night out as graduation was close by and everyone invited had an award to be celebrated. Not sure who leaked it, but Rory and Logan got a hold that I was having dinner at this restaurant that had these private rooms for parties and SHOWED UP. I clearly did not invite them to the celebration and I had asked my male friends to get them out but Rory seemed insistent to stay and Logan remained quiet the whole back and forth.

The argument got heated that some waiters came to de-escalate but it seemed like he had enough and SHOVED Rory out of the way and the friend who was arguing with her. I dont know what made him snap but he had reached me and managed to push me to the ground. I hit the chair and table on the way down and was delirious from the pain that ached everywhere, I completely did not register that Logan seemed intent to get on top of me (probably to punch me or something, maybe even attemp at my life in some way). Fortunately my friends grabbed him and tried to hold him down but he kept trying to break free from their grasp. By the time I managed to get to my senses, some of the security staff had come and Rory seemed shocked by the entire event that just occured.

They got taken out. A friend had suggested I get the CCTV of what happened and use it to get an RO, which I did the day after. Some days later, the police got back to me and asked to do an interview of some sort. I discussed what happened over the past fee months and the lady who I spoke to me took me very seriously and had told me they would try to get a warrant for their devices as I mentioned they manged to track me down in some way and I feared that would continue.

Fortunately, I had evidence of a crime committed and probable cause of stalking so this was done, I thank the lady and her team for being so incredibly amazing with my case. Another few days roll by and I went down to the station. I went with my younger brother as my family arrived in town for my graduation a few days later. On the station, they had informed me that on both Logan's and Rory's devices, tons of images and videos of me were found. NOT ONLY THAT, text messages show that they had planned to attempt at finding my apartment and do something. Due to the evidence, I will be pressing charges.

On the bright side of things, I graduated with latin honors and got a lot of medals for the activities I have done in college. I am happy to say that I am currently back at home and will be isolating myself for a good month before even thinking fo adventuring out again.

Thats all from me :)

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COMMENTS

CarterCage >Wow… In the end you got lucky with that attack. I hope you are doing ok. > >OOP >>Yup! The police lady said it wouldve taken me much longer and harder for an RO. And, probably wouldnt get their devices searched. A blessing in disguise ig >> >>Proteus61 >>>Did you ever find out WHY this nutcase was stalking you? Not that stalkers are rational, I'm just wondering wtf motivated him. >>> >>>OOP >>>>Nope! Still don't know why exactly. We suspect he is one of those red pillers / incels since his rants bare a lot of similarity to them. We also tried finding out if he was a DL with no such luck. My friend suspect that since he went to my school the same time as me in HS, I mightve been his gay awakening and he didn't really like that. All theories though.

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shfeba >Congratulations on all of your accomplishments!! I'm so sorry they did this to you but so happy they were dumb enough to do it in public on camera! > >OOP >>Thank you!! Total stroke of genius from my friend to suggest it and csnt even begin to thank the restaurant who gave the footage so easily. Genuinely saves my life.

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Jose_Chung >Glad you were able to get a restraining order and that you graduated. > >In your first post about this situation, you said that Logan had also attended your high school. Are you certain that you have not been on his radar for much longer than his meeting you via Rory? I mention this not to make you afraid, but because this would shed some light on his mental state. > >I'm sorry that you went through this and I hope that this chapter is concluded. > >OOP >>Thank you! :) Personally I have tried to dig around among classmates to know about Logan but he didnt make that many friends to know how he was in HS. One thing we suspect due to how oddly violent and focused he was on me, was that I may have been his gay awakening or crush or fixation in HS and it slowly began to spiral without me knowing.

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DatguyMalcolm >damn, this was almost some true crime shit! > >Were they planning to find you alone and something? Goodness, glad you're ok, I hope they rot > >OOP >>From what I saw on the text messages, they intended to confront me about the "rumors" I was spreading (which were slread because of the argument I had with Rory at my friends dorm and a few friends sharing it with their classmates). It didn't say anything explicit but the tone and language used that they intended to scare the shit out of me. l

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