This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ImNoBestMan

Published on: r/relationships

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: January 27, 2017

• Final Update: June 12, 2017

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Main Post

^(January 27, 2017)

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My brother [34m] didn't make me [26m] his best man.

My brother is getting married in a few months, and has put together his wedding party. He has asked me to be one of his groomsmen, and I agreed to it.

Just for a sense of background with my brother and me: we've ever been close. Not just because of a 6 year age age growing up, we're just completely different people. Neither one of us understand each other's hobbies or interests, we have no mutual friends, etc. And now we live in different cities (about 5 hours apart from one another.) To get a sense of how distant we are, we only see one another on major holidays, and when he phoned me (late last year) to be his groomsman, that was the first time in about 2 years we'd spoken to each other on the phone.

That said, there's no bad blood between us. Yes, we've had fights growing up, but all siblings do. It's never been tough to be around him. We just both recognize that we want very different lives.

So back to the wedding, he asked me to be a groomsman, and his best friend of more than a decade is his best man. When my family found out, they've all freaked out. They just keep yelling to him the "Hes your BROTHER!!!!! How can you snub your own BROTHER on such an important day?"

It's just dragging the whole thing down. He's picked a really logical person to be his best man, and that I'm not only comfortable with, more importantly, he is too. Honestly, I hadn't even considered the idea that he would ask me to be up there with him at all.

There's another side to this, as well. I don't even want to do it. I hate wedding in general (I hate all the formalities involved, I hate dressing up, etc.) but I can grin and bare it for the day, and I will. I won't be a downer on a day that so important to them. What I can't do is give a speech, as the best man is supposed to do. I'm a horrible public speaker, and if he piked me, I wouldn't have any clue what to say. We don't do anything together, and never really have, so I'd have no stories to tell. Also, I'm terrible at planning things ,so I'd be the wrong person to plan his bachelor party (Hell, I wouldn't even know who to invite I don't know any of his friends.)

So that's where we are now. As much as I hate wedding, I respect m brother and his fiance enough that I want their to be a special day for them, and I don't want this crap argument to cast a shadow over their day. I don't want them to look at wedding photos and then be reminded of all the arguing my family has put him through for "snubbing" me.

Is there any way we can have a rational discussion about this? I can't even understand where my family is coming from. This is to me such a nondispute that I can't believe they took it up. There's a solution staring us all in the face that keeps all the necessary parties happy: just don't make me best man. But our family can't seem to accept this for some reason.

tl;dr: My brother picked his best friend to be his best man instead of me to be his best man. I'm grateful he did this, but my family is fighting him on it for seemingly no reason.

 

COMMENTS

NightOwlEye > Sounds like you being one of his groomsmen is the perfect place in the wedding for you. You know it and your brother knows it...so now you have to get the rest of your family on board. Have you told your family that you're happy with things the way they are and that you don't feel snubbed? > > OOP >> > Have you told your family that you're happy with things the way they are and that you don't feel snubbed? >> >> Yes, we both have.

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OOP to a deleted comment >> As a point of comparison, how is the bride choosing her side of things? If she too has gone for a best friend, then throw that fact in there. > > Honestly, I have no idea who's in her party, or even if she has any siblings.

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kirby_144 > Now I don't think you should have to as ultimately it's your brother's decision, and frankly even if you did want to be his best man he has the right to choose and has opted for his best friend. > > However, given that's not your situation and it seems like you want to keep peace with your family, are you willing and able to reach a compromise with them? Perhaps you can be the 'Head Groomsman' or have a slightly more important role, just not best man? Play to your hobbies/interests perhaps (i.e. say you're into photography you could offfer to do that, or if you're a dab hand in the kitchen you can make the cake)? > > I don't know enough about weddings or you/your family to make and valid suggestions, but I hope it's food for thought at least. > > OOP >> I appreciate you advice, and don't want to come across as dismissive, but I'm not sure it's something we can incorporate. >> >> The thing is, "head groomsman" is ultimately want the best man is. He's the one in charge of the group on my brother's behalf. If I were to take on some role as something more than a groomsman, that would be stepping on someone else's toes at every turn.

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dankmemer1001 > First paragraph sums it up. He wanted someone who he felt he was closer too. > > Be honoured you are one of his groomsmen. One of my closest friends intitially said i would be his best man and then a month later he changed his mind to his brother which i said sure thing fair enough and then a few months later changed his mind again to one of his other friends and didnt even make me a groomsman. > > TBH i was pre salty after all that and i went anyway but yeah. Don't feel down on it, he just wanted someone closer in his life to be it. The fact you are a groomsman is still pre good imo. > > OOP >> I don't mean to be rude, but did you not read the rest of the post? >> >> I am happy for him, and completely understand why he picked his best friend. And more than that, I'm happy to not be doing it. I'd be a terrible best man. The drama is coming from the family. >> >> And yes, I am very touched to be a groomsman.

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Final Update - after 4 months, 16 days

^(June 12, 2017)

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Update to: My brother [34m] didn't make me [26m] his best man.

TLDR of the original thread: "My brother picked his best friend to be his best man instead of me to be his best man. I'm grateful he did this, but my family is fighting him on it for seemingly no reason."

Hi everyone, and thanks for the help you offered in my original post. My Brother married his wife yesterday, and things went well.

There seemed to be a bit of confusion in one of the comments, so I want to say again, I'm glad my brother picked the person he did to be his best man, I am honoured to be one of his groomsman, and I am completely on his side in this whole thing.

So the main take away I got from my original thread I got was that I should be the person to shut our parents down when they throw a hissy fit over the fact that I'm not my brother's best man.

Quite simply, I did what I could. As I now live in a different city to my family, I'm sure that I was not present for many of the fights my brother had to endure. When I visited my former hometown, I saw what they had to say, but I can only imagine that he's had to take more crap that I ever saw.

After the comments in my original thread, I phoned my brother to make it clear that I was 100% on his side in this, and that while we're not exactly close as friends, I'm honoured to be a groomsman for him, and this I thought that he made a great choice as his choice for best man. I also let him know that f any one at all were to throw crap at him for his choice of groomsmen, he can defer them to me, and I'll handle the fallout. That his choice for his side of the bridal party should not cast a shadow on their day. I never got a call, but my brother isn't someone to deflect conflict. At this point , I wasn't sure if anything more was said.

Once I traveled out for the rehearsal and wedding, I finally found out his groomsmen order. I was number 2, immediately behind his best man. Things went well, and we were all ready for the wedding.

The wedding went well, and my brother's best friend did a great job as best man (the bachelor party and speech were legendary, haha.) I could have never done what he did. As our Parents gave their speech, we both felt there was a bit of shade thrown his way. Nothing in the sense of "We're all mad that he abandonded his family and picked a friend as his best man," More along the lines of "Family in incredibly important, and no friendship can ever be more important than your family."

I spoke to them that it was obvious to us what they were talking about, and it was kind of obvious that they were still at least a bit upset. I had to tell the again that I would have been a terrible best man, and would have turned it down if he'd offered it to me.

At the end of the day, my brother's ad sister in law's wedding went well. I proudly stood behind my brother and his best friend, and while my parents threw some shade at the wedding, they didn't ruin it.

Fun P.S. to the story: A kind redditor in my original post suggested that I could offer a reading during the ceremony or speech during the reception. I didn't respond to it, so I'll take that opportunity now: If I'd asked, I have no doubt that my brother would have given me the moment to give a speech or reading. However, as I said, I'm a terrible public speaker, to the degree that I'm the type to pass out at the podium. Despite that, and without knowing of my original thread, his best man made a joke that I was going to make an impromptu speech during the reception. I shut that down pretty quick, just in case, but we all had a good laugh over it.

tl;dr: I made it clear to my brother that I love him and support his decisions for the bridal party. Our parents never seemed happy. If they can't come around, they can suck a hard one.

 

COMMENTS

itypeallmycomments > Imagine letting something like that ruin your son's wedding for yourself. Imagine being so wrapped up in tradition that it puts you in a bad mood for the entire lead up to the wedding, and on the day you even make a point to mention it in a speech. > > What would've happened if your bro asked you to be best man but you declined? Then the position goes to the next down the line, his best friend. Would your parents have been ok with that outcome? Petty people annoy me :P > > suckzbuttz69420bro >> I never knew that tradition was having a family member be a MOH or best man. I always thought the tradition was for the groom/bride to pick their own :/ >> >> OOP >>> I don't think it really is a tradition. Our parents just seemed to make more of this than it really is. >>> >>> It should be someone reliable in your life, and who you're really close. >>> >>> Acesvent >>>> My family wasn't happy that my brother didn't pick me. I really didn't care. Him and I didn't have the best relationship. I think it is the "family is forever" sort of thing >>>> >>>> OOP >>>>> See, I wouldn't say that my brother and I "don't have the best relationship." There's no tension or bad blood, we're just totally different. We can both accept that and love each other with the relationship that we have. >>>>> >>>>> But when it came to choosing a best man, my brother picked a person he's particularly close with, and who would actually be able to pull off the job.

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cellequisaittout > I think that deep down, your parents are feeling some guilt that they must have done something wrong as parents for their kids to end up not very close to each other. They had a picture in their head of you two as kids and thought they, as your parents, knew everything about both of you, and suddenly finding out that you two are adults who have grown apart shatters their mental image of your family. You two were always the most important people in the world to them, so it is insane to them that you aren't the most important person to each other! To displace their guilt, they have been focusing their anger and guilt-tripping on your brother. > > The only reason I think this might be such a deep and complex issue for them is that they still could not let it go on the wedding day! > > In any case, there's not much you can do other than continuing to be a good brother. If/when you get married, and you choose your brother as groomsman instead of best man, expect more drama from your parents if they haven't dealt with their issues by then. > > OOP >> > If/when you get married, and you choose your brother as groomsman instead of best man, expect more drama from your parents if they haven't dealt with their issues by then. >> >> Trust me, if I ever get married, it's going to be in a court room without a bridal party. Weddings just aren't for me

 

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Dizzy-University587 posting in r/amiwrong

Concluded as per OOP

3 updates - Long

Original - 14th December 2025

Update - 16th December 2025

Update - 18th December 2025

Update - 13th February 2026

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AIW for treating this as break-up worthy? Partner intentionally hid my laptop out of spite

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Some context, my partner (late 20s F) and I (late 20s F) have been together 7 years. We've had periods of breaking up and getting back together. We recently moved in together after a long period of what felt like stability and growth, but since the moving process and moving in, there's been a lot of strife and fighting--some of it old problems coming back up, and some of it new issues.

One recurring problem is my partner struggles with organization and will put her things (such as clothes, accessories, etc.) in piles in a specific but non-designated place for those things. For example, putting a pile of clothes and jewelry on the couch or entryway table. When I (or she) accidentally move these items, usually due to needing to use that space for its intended purpose, or some other purpose, it becomes a huge problem. She gets frustrated and overwhelmed quickly, has wanted me to drop what I'm doing to look for it (with an undercurrent of it being my fault it's misplaced and my responsibility to find it--which makes me not want to help anymore), and half the time it ends up in a fight. It's exhausting.

We're still in the process of unpacking and settling it and right now one of our bathrooms is filled with storage. She put a stack of her clothes, including a hat, on top of the storage items. I needed to get to those items to organize the house and I did my best to put her things together. I don't recall moving the hat. Cue breakfast time, we're having a fine morning, chatting and everything is good. She's getting dressed and goes to get her hat, which is not where she remembers putting it. Immediately she's upset with me, telling me I need to stop touching her stuff, and how I always do this and she is agitated and frustrated. I tell her calmly but firmly that I have no intention of moving her things, but if I need to get to the storage I will simply have to touch her stuff. And that it probably fell behind some things and to keep looking because I know she will find it. She didn't want to hear that, she became increasingly more upset talking at me, stormed around criticizing me instead of actively looking, and I lost my patience and left on a walk in the middle of her talking.

Fast forward to that afternoon. Partner is not home. I'm looking around for my laptop--I have finals due the next day and I need to start working (keep in mind I do have another laptop that I just bought to replace my old one, but I hadn't set it up yet; and to manage my fickle ADHD motivation, I was going to use setting up my computer as a reward for completing my finals on my old laptop). I can't find my laptop anywhere. It's not in the place I always leave it. My gut immediately says that she took it or moved it, but I decide to look around first and make sure I didn't miss anything. I look EVERYWHERE. I text her "Did you take my laptop with you?" She takes a while to text back "no I don't have your laptop." I ask if she's seen it and she can check her icloud since it used to be connected?-- "no it's been disconnected for a while." I text again "Okay so have you seen it?" No reply. I am now 95% convinced she's lying to me but I didn't want to believe that she would actually do this.

She comes home in the evening--I ask again about my laptop. She sits on the couch, not looking at me, focusing on something else while I'm asking to talk to her about it. She chortles at my suggestion that "the only other logical option if you don't have it and it's not in the apartment is that it's stolen" (we live in a building). I keep pressing her, she says offhandedly "i dont know did you check that closet?" She walks over to the closet to put away her jacket and I walk over, to watch her, suspecting she would pull it out of her bag or something. I didn't see her move anything and I ask "why would you suggest that closet specifically?" This goes on for a few more minutes with her smiling smugly and snickering and I'm getting increasingly upset. She's telling me she's too busy to help me find my laptop by answering my questions. Finally I walk over again to the closet, the tiniest piece of doubt wondering if maybe I didn't check it fully--and lo and behold it's sitting right there on top of some jackets, the same jackets I completely pulled out of the closet while digging through to find my laptop--it wasn't there before. I absolutely lose it. I am livid. I am yelling at her that she is weird and that was cruel and disgusting behavior. I tell her I don't want to be in a relationship with her and I do not want to be in a relationship like this. Once I say that, she doubles down since I "bro ke up with her" and just proceeds to dismiss that its just a computer and it's not that serious--and was attempting STILL to make it seem like it was there in the closet the whole time (turns out she hid it on a top shelf--the only place in this entire apartment I didn't check).

She still has not apologized and said she has no reason to "since we're bro ken up." Her response and the whole situation made me feel sick to my stomach. I absolutely hate "pranks" (she knows this) and this wasn't even a prank--she basically admitted to doing this because she was pissed at me for "losing her hat" (MIND YOU i found her damn hat while looking for my laptop, exactly where I said it would be!) This feels extremely serious to me. It doesn't feel like a petty little act. It feels disrespectful, like a breach of my privacy and our shared space, and genuinely cruel. I told her I don't think you can care for someone and love them and do something like this, intentionally cause them distress, confusion, and harm. I cannot fathom how she though this would play out...

The whole process of "brea king up" is daunting and I historically have not been good at maintaining my boundaries and my resolve when bre aking up in the past (I initiated, but we were both expressing unhappiness). We live together now and while the apartment is spacious, it is challenging to split up rooms (only 1 bed) and the other room is still being used as storage. And finding a new apartment is even more challenging with financial constraints having just moved so recently. I have been feeling a lot of frustration with our dynamics aside from this situation, as has she. I love her a lot, but I'm at my wits end. I don't know if things will get better or if we are doomed. We've tried couple's counseling again recently, and it didn't go well--partner was shut down and didn't like the therapist. Our communication is not improving. I need advice on how to move forward in this situation.

TL;DR: I (mid-20s F) recently moved in with partner (mid-20s F), after being together 7 yrs. been having issues exacerbated by the move and old issues resurfacing. she blamed me for her hat getting misplaced when it was on a pile of storage and then intentionally hid my main laptop from me the day before my finals are due and lied about it for hours through text and in my face. I feel livid, hurt, and at my wits end. I love her a lot, but I don't know how to move forward or if this relationship can be saved. I would appreciate any advice or comments, and thank you for taking the time to read.

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Comments

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YouSayWotNow

This is not acceptable behaviour (from your partner). And it certainly doesn't feel like a healthy or happy relationship.

KittKatt7179

Love yourself enough to stop being in a relationship with someone who acts like that. People will only treat you the way you allow them to. She is obviously not ready to act like a normal, well-balanced person, nor is she ready to be an adult. If you love someone, you don't purposely cause them distress and anguish. Get your stuff together and leave as soon as you can.

Update - 2 days later

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I (F-late 20s) posted a few days ago about my partner (F-late 20s) hiding my laptop in revenge for me accidentally misplacing her hat (allegedly)--and me breaking up with her for it.

An update: I've been avoiding speaking to her, sleeping on the couch, getting my affairs in order quietly. she's been finding ways to try and ragebait me. Last night at 2am she comes to the living room where I'm sleeping to ask where I put my rose toy (IYKYK). I put it away because it's mine, it was always meant to be my personal toy, but she took quasi-ownership of it-- and I simply don't want her using it anymore. She proceeds to harass me for 40 minutes straight to tell her where it is, to please give it to her, that she just needs it to sleep. As she disrupts my sleep. I had to lock myself in the bathroom twice because she wouldn't respect me telling her to leave me alone and kept coming back. At the end of this tirade, she asks "when are you leaving for holiday trip?" I tell her don't know and to please leave me alone and let me sleep. "No, I just need to know when you're going to be gone for an extended period of time cuz yeah I just need to know"--implying she needs to know when I'll be gone so she can get her rocks off with someone else in the house. I didn't get to sleep until after 3am.

She gets up at 7:30 am (she never gets up this early). Comes to the living room loudly, tries to hug me. I was sleeping. I tell her please do not touch me. She says "really? how long are we going to do this for?" I pull the covers over my face and try and ignore her and stay calm. She pulls them off my face to ask me a question. She proceeds turn on all of the lights, even though it is already bright. She blends something for (no exaggeration) 20 minutes straight. She stomps around, slams doors, loudly rummages through items. I stay under the covers and just contain my energy. Before she leaves she again tries to hug me after I told her multiple times to please not touch me. She forces a kiss on my head and says "i love you" and again asks how long we're going to do this. Finally she leaves for the day.

When I get up, I see that she turned the heater in the living room up to 86 degrees from 70 degrees to make me hot and uncomfortable. We have pets.

I just wanted to update because I needed to hear how messed up, manipulative, and abusive it is. And I just want to witness myself by writing this down, and be witnessed by others. I can't wait to get myself out of here.

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Comments

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Chay_Charles

When you get out, please take the pets with you. I wouldn't trust her to take care of them ot not hurt them out of spite.

>OOP: unfortunately some of the pets are hers. mine are coming with me.

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Update - 2 days later

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After this post I may have to switch to posting in r/abusiverelationships. I am ABUNDANTLY clear now that it was indeed more than break-up worthy. I started reading "Why Does He Do That?" After a couple recommendations (a book that I circled around for years but subconsciously avoided to protect my own denial). This relationship has been nothing but abusive. I feel like a veil has been lifted, a bubble burst, and I am so grateful for this clarity, although it comes at a high emotional cost.

I'm still getting things in order. I fear that she will find these posts, if she hasn't already, because she knows how much I use reddit and could find it with key words. I don't know if it matters though, as she just read my journal (where I wrote extensively about all her instances of abuse for my own records) while I was on a walk--I meant to bring it with me, but I left in a rush and was disoriented.

When I returned she said something that made it clear to me she read my journal (she has done this before, knowing that my journals are sacred to me). I stated "I assume you read my journal." She proceeded to verbally abuse me for over 30 minutes, calling me insane, mocked me repeatedly about the journal, called me all kinds of names. When I ignored her, she got in my face banging on the table to get my attention and tried to pull my headphones off. I have receipts of most of this tirade.

This is after two nights straight of her blasting music to continue to disturb my sleep. Last night she played the same song over and over again from 10pm-9am (a song by someone she was romantically interested in and almost hooked up with like Jan from "The Office"). It would be funny if it wasn't so wicked. I lost my patience last night and banged on the door and yelled for her to put on headphones. She wanted me to do this, because now she is saying I've been harassing and abusing her. Classic. There was maybe a 15 minute break and she started the same song up again at 9:30, screaming singing, stomping, slamming, etc.

My family is coming to get me and pets and I will be away and safe for a little while. I want to extend a sincere thank you to everyone who has commented and asked for updates. I have anxiety about these posts being up, but it is cathartic to write them and it helps me to hold myself accountable (and be held accountable) and strengthen my resolve.

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Update - 2 months later

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I think it's time for my (probably final) update on this situation. Two weeks ago I officially moved out and into my own apartment! I left with all of my stuff. I started a new job that pays me very well. I've been spending time with friends and family. I'm safe and in a much better place.

The past couple of months I've seen my relationship with my ex clearly and truthfully--thanks to some input and DMs from fellow redditors, I've done a ton of research into Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Abuse and have realized that my ex is a narcissist and I've been in the cycle of narcissistic abuse for years. The more I read into it, the more I see how textbook her behavior was, and it makes me feel a strange combination of validated and embarrassed. Validated that I see I'm not alone in this experience, and embarrassed that for all the research I've done into personality disorders and mental illness (I've dated people with APD and BPD in the past), I never once considered that she could have NPD. I was in denial and did not once look into it. Now I know better.

For a few months prior to our breakup I occasionally wondered if she was cheating on me, which is an issue I don't usually feel insecure or worry about. Now I know that she definitely was cheating, and she has already found her new supply in someone who lived in the same building as us. I found gross evidence to support my intuition. I realize that her hiding my laptop was a part of her discarding me, as she already determined (whether consciously or not) that I was no longer a viable supply for her--being that I was focusing on my wants and needs, working on my codependency (shoutout CoDA), going to school, and setting and upholding boundaries. She historically would treat me terribly for weeks to months until we reached a breaking point and I broke up with her. Then she would play victim and say how I abandoned her; this was her flavor of discard, getting me to do the work for her as usual (when we got back together she would hold that over my head as though me breaking up with her happened in a vacuum). It's devastating to realize this person I was so in love with for 7 years never truly loved me--she loved me the way one loves a useful object at best. But I am proud that her final discard came about because, without fully realizing, I finally showed her that I loved myself more than I loved her or our relationship. And that's a win.

She has already and will continue to jump from relationship to relationship, supply to supply, and that's a reflection of her broken personality. I've only ever been in one other long term relationship and when I was done with him I was DONE. No going back, no rekindling--I feel how I did then. A part of me is scared that the other shoe will drop, and some latent, traitorous attachment to her and that trauma bond will make me weak and vulnerable to her hoovering her way back into my life (or someone like her). But I'm taking it day by day, and I trust myself more than ever to protect myself. I will be staying single for as long as I need (probably a long time) and will not be dating, and I feel good about that. I'm genuinely scared to date again and I think that is a sensible thing to feel.

I'm really glad I posted here all those days ago. It helped me to validate my own feelings and actualize my outrage. I'm grateful to everyone who took the time to respond, offer advice and support, and ask for updates. I never have to deal with that wench again.

TL:DR: I realize my ex was a narcissistic abuser, and the laptop fiasco was her final discard. Now I'm FREE and safe in my own place and will never let her or anyone like her hurt me like that again. Thanks to everyone who cared enough to follow this story <3

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Comments

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popoPitifulme

I'm so happy for you and your future. I mean, like the guy in the bathtub celebrating when Truman (spoiler alert) finally leaves the movie set.

>OOP: lol thank you! i had to rewatch that scene to remember 😂.

rlyfckd

I'm so glad to hear you got out of that situation safely and that you're doing well.

I'd really urge you to go to therapy to process all this and work on yourself and your self esteem. Long term relationships with people that have personality disorders really leave a mark and affect self worth and confidence very negatively. People that attract narcissists or borderlines tend to struggle with boundaries and people pleasing. I hope you break the pattern. All the best to you! 💕.

>OOP: i appreciate that! I have a great therapist and will continue doing this work with them 💕 definitely part of why im not a complete mess right now

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I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/WhichCommon

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: April 06, 2019

• Update: April 15, 2019

• Final Update: April 15, 2019

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Main Post

^(April 06, 2019)

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I found out that my (27f) husband (33m) rents a secret apartment with his friends

My husband has this group of friends, they’ve been close since college and they’re like brothers. So I’ve become pretty close with all of their wives. We have parties and everything together and all of our kids are like cousins. The wives are really sweet and we talk and carpool and baby sit for each other if we need.

So one of the girls texted me that she found out there’s apparently this apartment all the guys split up the rent for and go there whenever to get away from their wives and lie about going on work trips.

I know that sounds really fucking bad but there is no way she’s lying, she’s not like that. I know she’s telling the truth. And he does go on work trips and all that pretty frequently. But I always thought he was actually going for work. I feel so fucking dumb and confused and I just wanna call him up but I know I have to be smarter than that. He’s on a trip or whatever right now and I don’t wanna text him where he can take a couple hours to come up with an answer, I need to confront him in person

This has me so fucked up, I can’t even explain the emotions I’m going through right now. I have no fucking idea what to do. I am a house wife and I don’t have anything to do with the finances. He has a good paying job and I have a credit card and whatever I want, he’ll tell me if we can afford it or not and sometimes we talk about our savings but we really don’t have money problems so there’s no reason to talk about it in depth like that. So I had no idea about him paying for this apartment.

And I know they’re not doing anything innocent there. The most innocent thing they’re probably doing is some gambling and lying about leaving for work and just relaxing together. Worst thing is having affairs. Cheating once and making a mistake, I can deal with. I know they bring girls there, there would be no other reason to rent out a fucking apartment just to hang out.

I feel so confused and nasty and I don’t know what to do or how to bring it up. And if it’s true, what the fuck am I gonna do??? I didnt even finish my bachelors, we met when I was 18 and then we got married and I dropped out when I was pregnant. And we have two children, our daughter is 6 and the baby is 2.

I am trying to think of some innocent explanation, that she made a mistake or something I have no idea but I don’t know what to think. My hands are shaking and I feel this anxiety in my chest like I’m gonna have a heart attack or throw up and I couldn’t sleep last night and this is too much for me to handle

And I don’t know how to ask him. I am thinking of slyly bringing it up but I’m not slick enough for that, when he comes home on Monday I know I’m just gonna start crying. And if it’s not true, accusing him straight up is gonna be so bad and he’s gonna feel like shit that I don’t trust him or something

How do I ask him???

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Why did OOP decide to talk with the other wives before confronting the husbands?

> She hasn’t told her husband or any of the other girls yet because she wanted to check in with me first to see if I know anything or what I think we should do. (She thinks I’m good with stuff like this, I am not idk where she got that idea). > > Ok I guess I’ll see if I can get the girls together tomorrow and we can talk about it. But I need them to not tell their husbands yet, that’s the issue, some of them are fucking young and tell their husbands everything and idk they might freak out and just tell them.

---

Why doesn’t OOP think her husband would need a secret apartment just to get some peace and quiet?

> No we rarely argue. I let him do his thing, I understand he works a lot and he’s tired and I am really understanding of that and I never nag or make him do house work or play with the kids. Honestly I think I’m the perfect wife and I’m not even trying to brag or anything. I don’t bother him or complain about video games, sports or tv. I know he comes home from work and he’s tired and deserves time off when he’s home. And he’s the same way too, I get tired and he knows that so if his laundry isn’t done or the kitchen is still dirty at night, he knows I’m tired and he doesn’t nag me or complain that the house is dirty.

---

Why does OOP think the secrecy itself is more concerning than the money spent on the apartment?

> That’s what I’m saying. The worst part is that he didn’t tell me about it. That’s what makes me think the worst. > > And I wouldn’t care about the money either. Yeah we’re married and it’s our money but honestly he works he has more of a right to it so I can’t exactly be like “don’t spend your money like this”. So that’s not even a plausible excuse

---

What did OOP and the other wives eventually discover about the apartment?

> Hey, late responses are still encouraged > > I actually met up with some of the girls today, the one who told me about it thinks she found the address. She was going through some statements for something and her husband wasn’t home so she was just looking everywhere and came across some documents. Nothing locked up or hidden, they’re not evil geniuses after all, they just took us for a bunch of idiots. And I guess we are since we never realized. > > So we have the address, still deciding if we should show up or break in to see what’s inside and do our own inspection or idk. Someone commented something earlier about how they all probably already came up with a plan in case we find out and ask about it. There’s really no point in asking, it’s not like he’s gonna tell me the truth, he’s been lying this whole time, as if he’d suddenly become so truthful

---

Why is OOP hesitant to simply confront the husbands or try to catch them in the act?

> I’m trying to figure out what I’m doing first. I talked to some of the girls and we are just throwing ideas out there. None of us feel good about it. We’re not exactly enthusiastic to concoct a plan and catch them in the act. These are our husbands, our lives could change forever and I have children, it’s not as simple as just barging in and catching them red handed or putting on a movie about guys with a secret apartment and watching their reaction or starting a fight during a party and calling them all out. I’m trying to be smart about this and I don’t wanna do something and then change my mind later and decide something else was a better idea

---

Does OOP blame being a housewife for having no financial or educational backup?

> I would have finished college if I didn't get pregnant. Being a housewife isn't the problem, it's my fault I have no back ups

---

Update - after 9 days

^(April 15, 2019)

---

Update to my (27f) husband (33m) having a secret apartment with his friends. He found out that I know about it and says it was innocent

Hey, update since a lot of people asked for it. I didn’t really wanna post one but here

So my friend who actually found out about everything was doing something with her taxes, I don’t know I’m not good with finances and all those technical terms so I don’t know exactly for what, she needed some files and her husband wasn’t home so she went looking around and found some documents with the address.

I had met up with some of the girls and we were brainstorming what we were gonna do. Everyone had mixed reactions, one of my friends didn’t even wanna be involved in it and told us to stop starting drama for no reason. We decided we would probably camp outside of the apartment and see if they bring girls with them or something, idk what we expected to find.

But my friend’s husband noticed that she moved papers around and so everything was busted. No secret mission. He told all the guys that we knew and it was over.

So my husband came home early from his “work trip”, sat me down and told me “everything” about it. He told me it was just a dumb spot to hang out and relax and they could be loud and annoying without bothering me and he was sorry for lying and keeping it from me. That makes no sense, I am 100% okay with him having his friends over and I never complain about noise or anything. A couple people in the comments brought up rent and that it’s financial abuse or something - it’s not a bad apartment, probably 1500 a month but split between 6 guys so it’s not bad.

I don’t really know what to do. I tried getting mad about it but he just took it and apologized and that didn’t help or make me feel better

I feel so fucked over and as if I’m overreacting like he’s acting calm and relaxed and I’m freaking out and it’s making me feel crazy.

We were so slow to act on it and she was messy and left foot prints and now we’ll probably never know the truth. He promised to show it to me next weekend but that’s not even gonna put my mind at ease, they could just clean everything up, get a few PS4s and TVs and pretend it was a guys hang out. I told him that I wanted to go that day but he said he was tired and just wanted to spend time with me and the kids but if I really wanted then he’d take me that night. I said that i was fine going next week. I don’t know what I was thinking.

I don’t know what to do. A part of me is thinking that if he was bringing girls there, at least I know now and he’s gonna stop and it’s over and we can forget about it. But I just wanna know the truth. He’s telling me they were just hanging out but how do I know he’s not lying? I wish we went over right when the girls and I found out, we waited for too long and it all got ruined.

I just feel dumb. He is acting so sweet and I can’t help but act okay with it, he’s being so nice. He knows he screwed up big time and he’s being really accommodating and taking care of the kids so I can relax and have some down time. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know if he’s telling the truth or what and I was coming up with all these theories and plans and ways to catch him or something and it all backfired.

I wish I never found out about it because I can’t stop thinking about everything, it’s torture. I am just wondering if he’s had sex with other women and how many and did he really fuck other women and then come home and have sex with me and I don’t even want him to touch my kids if he did sleep with other people.

But he’s my husband and I love him and he’s so good to me and my kids and I’m like, there’s no way he was cheating on me. The thoughts running through my head are horrible and I’m just visualizing everything and I don’t even know if it’s real so half of me is saying I’d be naive to think it was innocent and the other half is saying I’m overreacting and to just relax and he’s a good husband and I’m making something out of nothing

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

all4reddit > Get off Reddit and demand to go now. > > Call your other friends so that you can see things as a group. > > Having a secret apartment is not the actions of an innocent husband. > > doubtthat11 >> This is so weird. If was just a spot to watch sports and play video games...why not tell your spouse about it and show it to them? It's still a little weird, but "Honey, I'm watching the game with the guys at the apartment tonight," seems at least acceptable. Keeping it secret...is for someone in that group to fuck someone who isn't their spouse. >> >> warriorwoman96 >>> Actually I think its more likely this is drug related. >>> >>> OOP >>>> Ok I never thought of that but he had a problem with something a long time ago, but I got him in rehab and it’s been years and he seems fine now. I think I’m gonna faint seriously or my head is gonna explode

---

Final Update - after 9 days (after a few hours from last post)

---

Final update in comments

Ok another update. So I talked to him this morning, told him how I was feeling and that I can’t trust him and divorce is on the table because I don’t feel good about all this at all and he has to tell me the truth. He took me to show me that the apartment was nothing and it looked like a full ugly hang out. I did an inspection and made him leave me alone to look around and he let me. Didn’t find any condoms or sex stuff or anything like that.

I’m still mad that he’d lie about leaving for work. That’s really not okay.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

miooz > Erm...as if he'd leave 'condoms or sex stuff' lying around before bringing you there. He's not that stupid. And oh, he's suddenly so truthful and transparent now? Trust your guts, OP. Don't be naive. > > OOP (downvoted) >> Well he wasn’t going to take me. He said this weekend but I told him that he had to take me today and made him drive me. I know, I don’t wanna be stupid but I am starting to think that maybe he wasn’t cheating. He’s not a cheater, he’s really not like that and we have a great relationship. Maybe watching sports with his friends there, I could see but realistically idk if I believe that he’d cheat

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Zahne1977 > How do you think he would react if the situation was reversed? > > OOP >> I would be in big trouble if I did this

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowAwayAccount4311

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 30, 2022

• Final Update: August 15, 2026

---

Main Post

^(September 30, 2022)

---

My soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

(Background: in my state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that when they are not together. It's an actual law and according to my lawyer one of the most popular passed in recent years)

I have a 1 month old son. His father filed for divorce earlier this year. My lawyer and me expected that custody would be 50-50 split, legal and physical in the next few months once I am done breastfeeding. This is what the court expected. My husband is aware of this law and he has a lawyer.

He rejected the 50-50 split time and asked for every other weekend only (excluding holidays) with me having physical and legal custody. Even after the court asked his lawyer to explain the law to him again he said he was sure. By his own submission he does not want to be the "primary" parent or make any decisions. and is fine with me having legal and physical custody while he gets a "little" visitation.

If we split custody there would be no child support because our incomes are fairly equal but he said he would rather pay me to be the primary parent. He also clarified that this isn't just for when our son is a small baby. The court thought he was concerned about our son being away from me when he was so little but my husband said 50-50 is too much time no chatter matter our son's age. He also told the court he doesn't want any time with our son in the next few months while I am breastfeeding (because he would be entitled to visitation then as well) and can start the every other weekend when I'm done.

The court can't make him spend time with our son so his request was granted. Mostly I'm just sad for my son that his father specifically asked for less time with him.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Was there another woman involved in why he didn't want 50-50 custody?

> Well the woman he left me for already kicked him to the curb so as far as I know he is single right now. I honestly did not expect him to decline 50-50 split in the first place.

---

Did he question whether he was the child's father?

> No but he did. He acknowledged paternity and signed the birth certificate and declined to have a paternity test when he was asked if he wanted one, as part of the custody hearing.

---

Did your husband want the baby, or was this an unexpected pregnancy?

> I got pregnant through medical intervention and IUI. So no baby trapping here. My husband talked me into the second round of IUI. He was on board until he met the other woman (who he isn't with anymore). > > He wanted kids. He was researching adoption and really wanted me to try another round of IUI before we went down the adoption road. After I got pregnant he met the other woman and ended up leaving me.

---

Final Update - after 3 years, 10 months, 16 days

^(August 15, 2026)

---

Update for my soon to be ex-husband asked the court to give him less custody and visitation with our son

My ex-husband left me for another woman. I was pregnant at the time. My divorce lawyer told me that in our state there is a law which gives parents a 50-50 split in terms of parenting time with their children. If there is something like drug use, neglect or abuse the other parent can bring this up to not have the 50-50 split, but without these things parents start with that if they are not together.

Apparently it's one of the most popular passed in recent years. However my ex-husband ended up asking for less time with my son. It was in my other post here [which I completely forgot about until now] how heartbroken I was.

My son was a month old back then. He's turning four next week. My ex-husband has only met my son four times. The woman my ex-husband left me for went back to her husband so my ex ignoring my son had nothing to do with her. I'm grateful that my son doesn't remember his father because it would rip me apart if he was old enough to understand that his father doesn't want him.

I know the day is coming when my son realizes his father is a deadbeat and I'm dreading it because of how much it will hurt my son. I didn't remember posting here before but I was going to post to vent because I found out my ex-husband moved to another state. He moved 2500 miles away and I didn't tell me. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised given he doesn't care about my son. But I'm still furious. I'm angry, I'm heartbroken and I hate him.

He destroyed me when he left and I tried to put it aside for the sake of my son but my ex abandoned him too. I'm still seeing a therapist over it. I can handle being heartbroken but I don't want that for my son. I'm already sick thinking of the day my son realizes his father doesn't want him. MY EX MOVED 2500 MILES AWAY AND I HATE HIM. I hate him so much.

Also to all those who commented on my last post or sent me messages saying I babytrapped my ex-husband against his will or that I'm a gold digger: My son was conceived with IUI. I didn't trick my ex-husband into anything. He wanted kids, was fully on board with the IUI and he was also researching adoption in case we were not successful.

There was no babytrapping here. I work and wasn't "leeching" off him. If we had split 50-50 custody neither of us would have paid the other child support. My ex-husband has never paid any of his court ordered child support and I had a job for our entire marriage.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/DillinquentPICK

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 16, 2026

• Update: August 19, 2026

---

Main Post

^(August 16, 2026)

---

How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

My daughter 19F lives in a different city than me 45M while she is going through college and recently I also got her a dog. I took care of the dog for about 2 weeks while she went out of town and got attached to the little pup and I turned on a camera to peek at the dog on the robot vacuum that is in my room at that condo.

Only the robovacum.in my room has a camera, she knows about it, she is logged into it too.. I saw through the camera my daughter having sex with her boyfriend 20M on mine and my wife's bed. The apartment has 3 rooms, her bedroom, my wife's and mine bedroom and another room.

The apartment, 1900 sq ft belongs to me, I got it for when my kids go to college, so they wouldn't need to worry about rent in that city. I go there usually weekly, bring my daughter garden veggies, other farm things from my area she likes to eat and we usually make a day out of doing something fun in the city on a weekend.

Its fine to have sex with a boyfriend, I figured she will eventually meet someone, its a right of college experience and I made peace with it, i met the guy, he seemed like an ok guy, but my opinion has changed since . Had she been in her room, thats fine, do your thing.

My issue was on the bed my wife and I sleep on when we come to stay and see our daughter. More so, when i came to look after the pup I noticed stains on the sheets and now im completely disgusted that she didn't even bother wash the sheets before I came to help her take care of the dog. I thiught the stains were maybe some tea or drink my wife and i spilled.

I have the vacuum in my room only because the pup likes to sleep there, and he sheds a lot and carpet collects a lot of his hair. And the camera faces his doggiebed and you can see some of my bed.

I completely blew my lid when I called her and in the family chat. I realize the family chat was a mistake, how it went was i called my daughter, asked her where does she find the audacity to have sex in my bed and were she stains from that? She yelled back asking wtf am I doing spying on her personal life? And hung up.

I didnt even notice I went in the group chat, just went where I usually communicate with her and i typed, the chat that contains wife, me, her and my son and I called her ungrateful and disgusting for letting me sleep on dirty sheets on the bed my wife and I sleep on, and to top it off, messaged the boyfriend, told him how pathetic you cant bring your girlfriend to your own place, and instead choose to disrespect me by doing it with my daughter on my bed? He left me on read. I have yet to receive an apology from either of them.

Did I take it too far? Should I apologize? My wife thinks its too much, so does my niece to an extent, she does agree with majority of my reaction other than accidentally texting the family (wife me daughter, son and niece) group chat, i already got in shit for that, and thats my mistake. My end goal here is to find out how to approach this with my daughter so I avoid resentment and hate. I know she feels embarrassed, her boyfriend is probably terrified of me now.

---

Update - after 3 days

^(August 19, 2026)

---

UPDATE: How do I avoid ruining relationship with my daughter over catching her having sex in mine and wifes bed and reacting horribly?

I ended up having a sit down conversation with my daughter. I began by apologizing for a sincere screw up on my end by messaging the group chat when i was enraged. She just stayed silent, didnt accept my apology and thats okay. I apologized for yelling initially, I then explained that my bed and my room is mine and wifes private space. There is no excuse she should have been doing that on my bed, let alone leaving it dirty for me to sleep in.

She absolutely blew up. She said I had 0 reason to log into the camera on my phone, its her apartment. My wife and I re-iterated, that its not, its actually my wifes and mine, so is the room, the bed, the sheets the vacuum and everything else in it I bought, made or installed. Apartment is for family use.

Then she decided to compare with her friend who is enjoying promiscuous college experience in dorms. I then started to get pissed off because the apartment is far more comfortable than dorms, where you have to share a shower with a bunch of other students.

She then said that I am being overbearing and embarrassed her in front of her boyfriend, and yea, I did. My intent was to embarass both of them in front of me. That should have been embarassing. Her boyfriend should feel a bit of remorse in my opinion so should she..still no apology.

She said she will move to dorms now, I said you're welcome to, enjoy having a job paying for the dorms and good luck keeping your grades up while you hold it down and being a full time student.

She then said, why wouldnt I pay for it? if her brother will go to another college other than this one, ill have to pay for a dorm for him, not buy another 3 bedroom in whatever city he will be in? We're not there yet and comparing hypotheticals is not a luxury she has at this moment in time.

I asked what is wrong with her boyfirends apartment, she had nothing to say. I asked why didnt she clean it?

She stormed out, i have no idea whether she went to the biyfriend or where..

What do I do. I am livid, this is a bad situation, my wife is with me on this, we are trying to think of how to approach it.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Is your daughter’s tuition still being paid for, even if she chooses to move into a dorm?

> No one is taking away paying her tuition. I just won't pay for the dorms because there is a perfectly fine apartment she can use, all i ask dont have sex on my bed and leave it stained, which I thought was obvious but here we are.

---

Why do you have an apartment for your children to use?

> I did not purchase apartment to control, I purchased the apartment so its easier to commute to things in the city, whether it be college, or job for the entire family to use. Each member of my family has space, and that space is to be respected.

---

Does your daughter have her own room and enough space to have sex elsewhere?

> She has her own room, space, plenty of bed space. Orogonal post has all that info. She can have sex all She wants. Not in my bed. All I ask

---

Do you actually use the apartment and the bedroom yourself?

> Weekend basis when I went to visit daughter

---

Would you pay for a dorm if your daughter simply wanted the college dorm experience?

> No. What's the point.

---

Why are you unwilling to pay for her dorm but willing to pay her tuition?

> Exactly, paying for the dorms is stupid, I bought an apartment to avoid the dorm. She wants to live in a dorm, be my guest, but it won't be coming out of my wallet

---

Are you planning to kick your daughter out or cut her off?

> I would never kick my kid out. She is welcome to leave or stay on her own accord in my of my wifes and my properties

---

What does your wife think about the situation?

> My wife is with me on this, she agrees, some independence might be good for her. She expected at the very least an apology from her, and she didnt get it either. When daughter left, she was just in shock and the first thing she started saying, is holy fuck, did i raise her to not apologize?

---

Are you upset with your daughter for having sex, or specifically for doing it in your bed?

> No one shut shamed her. I am fine with her having sex, i draw the line at my bed

---

Why did you apologize if you believe your daughter was the one in the wrong?

> I apologised for something different. I accidentally messaged her in family group chat

---

Why don't you want to simply rent out the apartment to other students if your daughter wants more independence?

> I dont want tenants. If i did, i would have rented it years ago

---

Why are you concerned about your daughter moving to a dorm?

> Last thing I want is out of spite she gets a job that takes her time, makes her too exhausted to focus on college to prove a point, flunks her grades, flanks her credit rating and whatnot. I dont want a hard life for these kids but I want to teach values and simple basic respect

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

Originally posted by user anonymousaccount2411 in r/ offmychest

Original: Nov 26, 2025

Update: Dec 23, 2025

Status: no further updates from OOP

Note: thanks to u/WattlesFlowerThrowRA for suggestion to BORU

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Original: My sibling is in a "relationship" with AI and it's killing me inside because this is completely delusional

(I'm posting this anonymously because I can't deal with the jokes, or the vitriol from people like my sibling that I received when I mentioned this situation a comment.)

I have an older sibling. For several months my sibling has been talking about being in a relationship. Going to restaurants, on dates etc. The two of them even took an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. I was happy my sibling found someone. Everyone in my family was happy. We had no idea what was really going on.

Last month I had my 35th birthday. Myself and my family were supposed to meet my sibling's significant other. It's AI. My sibling isn't dating a real person. My sibling is dating AI and is delusional and believes it is a real relationship.

None of us saw this coming and by now my entire extended family knows too. My sibling has no history of mental illness or mental health issues. But my sibling is convinced that this is a real relationship, equivalent to a relationship between two real people. My sibling kept going on and about us meeting this "person". Everyone thought my sibling was dating a real person.

This is killing me and everyone else in my family because my sibling insists it is a real relationship and that the AI is a person, "just like you and me". My sibling gets furious when any of us refer to the AI as it. We don't know what to do. My parents are distraught and so are the rest of us. So is my extended family.

My sibling refuses to get professional help. It is killing me inside to see this happen. My sibling actually wants everyone to apologise to the AI for the mistreatment. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us because they are not prejudiced like we are.

I know people make jokes but this is serious. My sibling is in love with AI. We are scared because this is not normal. None of us know what to do because my sibling refuses to see how delusional this is. I haven't told anyone outside my family because I can't take anyone making jokes about my sibling but I had to get this out somewhere.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: Sending you so much support, I have a friend who works in psychology getting her masters who said she’s seen this increasingly nowadays. That’s so tough to be on the outside of and I hope it all resolves well for everyone 🫂

>OOP: Thank you, I appreciate it. I am shocked to find out that there are many people in the same situation as my sibling. I had no idea about it before this.

Comment2: There’s a subreddit for it and it’s wild

>OOP: I posted anonymously mostly because of them. When I mentioned what was happening with my sibling in a comment (not in even in their subreddit) I received so much vitriol and threats that I had to delete the comment and turn off my messages. I had no idea people dating AI was a real thing and I was shocked to get so much hate.

Comment3: Your sibling is having a delusion. I am not an expert by any means in dealing with delusional disorders, but I do know that the advice I have read is to validate their feelings without validating their delusional beliefs..

Your siblings feelings are real even if the object of them is not. You may not be able to force them to get help, but you can get help for yourself maybe you and your family can consult with a mental health professional as to how to approach this. In any event I wish you all luck

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Update (month later)

There hasn't been a resolution. My sibling is still "in a relationship" with AI. Some people might make jokes about this but I'm distraught and so is everyone in my family. I love my sibling, and none of us saw this coming.

My sibling has no history of mental illness or previous mental health issues. It came out of nowhere. My sibling talked as though it was a real relationship, where they went on dates, went out to restaurants etc. The two of them even went on an overseas trip to New York according to my sibling. There have been relationships with real people in the past so none of us suspected anything was wrong.

All of us have tried getting through to my sibling but nothing works. My sibling insists it is a real relationship and gets angry if anyone calls the AI "it". We're supposed to treat the AI as a real person. My sibling calls anyone who doesn't support the relationship prejudiced and says it's the same as people being against same sex marriage.

Anyone who says the AI isn't a real person gets cut off. My sibling isn't coming to Christmas and won't talk to us now. Apparently my sibling knows others who are in relationships with AI and those people are better than us.

I can't believe my sibling cut me off because I believe AI isn't a real person. I probably won't post again, and I know this wasn't much of an update. I hope my sibling comes to their senses because this isn't healthy or normal. I still feel sick over it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user AnxiousJournalist2 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Feb 8, 2019

Update: July 6, 2019

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for not wanting my fiancee to dance to a love song dedicated to her late fiance at our wedding?

Before we met, my fiancee Kayla was engaged to a man she had dated for three years who died in a traffic accident. I had never dated a woman who had that kind of loss before, so I've been learning as I go, but I've tried to respect that he will always be a part of her story, and I accepted her relationship with her late fiance's parents with open arms.

They stayed very close, and by the time we started dating they were basically like a second set of parents to her. Kayla's real parents and her late fiance's parents are all amazing people, so I consider myself pretty lucky to have two sets of great in-laws.

Our wedding is coming up in May, and Kayla told me that after her father-daughter dance, she would like to have a second dance with her late fiance's father to the song Vanilla Twilight. She asked me if I was comfortable with that, and I didn't want to be "that guy" and say no, so I said yes.

But really, it makes me uncomfortable that she would be dancing to a love song dedicated to another man at our wedding. I am happy to make space in our lives for his memory. A photo of him is on our mantle at home, we make it a point to commemorate his birthday the anniversary of his death, and I feel like I am understanding and supportive when she has bad days.

And I am 100% fine with having his parents at the wedding because, like I said, we are all a family. But I also feel like our wedding is one day that it all about our relationship.

Am I the jerk if I ask her to reconsider this dance? What are the best compromises here?

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Comments:

Comment1: NAH. I’m assuming her biological dad is going to walk her down the aisle, and also have the father-daughter dance. It’s nice that she is acknowledging her relationship with her “other” father figure. Think about it from their point of view- she was supposed to marry their son. It’s a nice gesture by her to acknowledge the role they play in her life.

I’m not gonna pretend like it wouldn’t irk me, too. But I don’t think you should ask her not to do it. Try as we might, we can’t really understand what that moment will mean for her and her late-ex’s parents. Weddings already stir up lots of emotions, but for someone who dealt with the death of a fiancé, I can imagine it will be even more emotional. It’s good for her to have an outlet, honestly.

To you, it may seem like a really big deal. But think about it. The wedding invitations are going to have your names on it, you are going to get to see her walk down the aisle toward you, you get to take her on honeymoon.

It is still YOUR day. She’s marrying YOU, she loves YOU. If you ask her to reconsider, she will either not do it (and probably regret it), or do it, but the moment will be ruined for her.

Btw, you sound like a really great dude. Sorry about your tough situation.

>OOP: This was a very helpful comment. It does feel better to think of it as more of a gesture towards her second father figure.

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Comment2: NTA. Also, it’s weird to have a picture of him on the mantle. It’s a tragic loss but she needs to move on. Or you do.

>OOP: I definitely don't feel disrespected. We have traveled to six countries together and have plenty of photos and mementos of us pretty much all over the house. The single photo of him does not bother me at all.

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Comment3: NTA- you might want to honestly ask her to sit down and reconsider if she is ready to be married to someone else though. she still sounds very much invested in this other man, whether he is alive or not, and she just doesnt sound ready to commit to another person. ask her if she is truly ready to commit or she is just honestly doing it because she thinks she should or it will help her move on

>OOP: I guess it sounds like he is constantly on her mind because I only wrote two paragraphs that were wholly focused on this issue. But it has been about seven years since he died, and I think she has processed her grief in a healthy way and doesn't dwell on it.

>We have our own inside jokes and our own hobbies and experiences that are unique to us. I can truly say I'm marrying my favorite person in the world, we are each other's absolute best friend. I don't have any illusions that our life together will entail her forgetting about her late fiance, nor would I want that. Two anniversaries a year and a photo really don't represent a significant portion of her thoughts and feelings

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Comment4: NTA, this situation is weird though, seems she isn’t over that ex. Definitely odd to make your special day based around that, seems you’ll always come second to the previous fella.

>OOP: He's not an ex, and I would never ask her to "get over" him. I'd like to think I'm not so pointlessly macho that I would feel threatened by a dead man.

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Comment5: NTA but that doesn't mean she is one... You already said you are ok with it. "This day would be about our relationship." Well, it is. Both persons are bringing their own baggage, here happens to be her dead ex.

>OOP: We don't ever refer to him as her ex, since they never broke up. Obviously if it was her ex the whole idea would be a non-starter. I see your perspective, but I'm struggling with it.

>To be honest, although I think I am generally good about her grief, I have asked a lot of her in the relationship. She has moved cities and jobs for me, so I have been thinking that just letting her have this dance would be a way of paying her back for all the sacrifices she made for me.

>But I also want to be genuinely okay with it and not do it just to even an imaginary score. Obviously it's a very complicated situation.

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Comment6: NTA. Go read the lyrics, guys. They are so insanely inappropriate for a wedding that I'd actually be embarrassed and hurt for OP if I was at the reception.

I think the idea of dancing with her second dad is lovely, but by GOD, OP, you're well within your rights to ask for a less creepy song. Perhaps an instrumental part of if she won't budge. But those lyrics have no place in your wedding day. Good grief.

Edit: I also don't think that a wedding is the right place to be mourning a past love. I say this as someone who lost her forever person in his late 20s, and met my (hopefully second!) life partner on my ex's birthdate, when he should have been turning 30. I sobbed through our first date lol because I only remembered part way through.

So anniversaries are sometimes marked with a little "ex would have been x old today" and my boyfriend will give me space to remember. But it's us now, and that's who I need and want to be putting my energy towards loving and making feel loved.

I don't know how long it is since your partner's ex died, but if the grief is still strong perhaps a session or two of counselling may help her? Weddings are stressful enough without to deal with the wistfulness of a past love.

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Comment7: Someone posted the lyrics earlier. It's a love lost, love song. It strikes me as almost inappropriate for the setting. I personally wouldn't know hour to take it. Think he should open up about his feelings with her on it. As long as he owns those feelings and leaves the choice to her it will be OK.

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Update (5 months later)

Two months ago, I married the love of my life. I was thinking about this thread the other day, how it went, and where my head was at when I made it, and I thought you guys might like an update.

A little anticlimactically, the thing I was stressing about was a bit of a miscommunication, which probably happens a lot here. Kayla wanted to dance with her late fiance's (I'll go ahead and just call him Luke from now on) father at our wedding, and Vanilla Twilight was an example of a song along the lines of what she wanted, not the set-in-stone top choice like I had thought.

I (and a lot of commenters in the original thread) spent a lot of time over-analyzing the lyrics to that song looking for hidden meaning in every word, while it turns out she hadn't put much more thought into the suggestion than "This is a kind of sad song that I like."

We got together that night and she had made several playlists of possible first dance songs for us, songs for when she walks down the aisle, music to play at the reception, and song choices for her dance with Luke's father.

We spent hours listening to them all and talking about the wedding. We even made a tournament-style bracket for our first dance song in her journal and put songs head to head against each other until the victor emerged.

And at the end, we talked about the wedding and our relationship, Luke and their relationship, and grief, what it was like when she lost him and what it was like for me when I lost my mom at a young age, what a family is, and all the things we're hopeful for for the future. We stayed up until three in the morning just talking and planning and laughing and crying a little, and I'm so glad for it.

After getting bombarded by dozens of different opinions from dozens of different people earlier that day, I had been worried that I was going to have a conflict with my fiancee shortly before our wedding. But there was no conflict, just a pure memory.

After that night, I starting putting in more effort to be involved with the wedding planning process and actually ask for the things I wanted, which Kayla actually really appreciated. We also took a long weekend a couple of weeks before the wedding to go on a camping trip together for just the two of us, which I highly recommend to anyone who is getting married.

Overall, there was a complete flip in my feelings leading up to the wedding from being somewhat insecure and excited but nervous to being completely at ease, excited, and feeling stronger about my relationship than ever.

The wedding day itself was really wonderful and worth the wait. Kayla and Luke's father had their dance to Lean On Me, and I also had a dance with Kayla's mom and it was very emotional in a good way.

I really felt that the day was a celebration of our love, and I was genuinely happy that Luke's parents were there to celebrate along with us because they are very much members of our family and I wish I had the space to describe all the ways they've been there for us through the years.

My amazing wife is who she is because of all the experiences that she has had in her life, and I don't want to be the kind of man who asks her to pretend that she has never loved before me or pretend that her grief is something that is or should be done with forever now that she has me. I just want to say how glad I am that we shared that night together and that the wedding was nothing but love and celebration. I never thought I could be so happy.

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Comments:

Comment1: Lean On Me is such a perfect fit. Your wedding sounds beautiful. Maybe I missed it, but what was the song you two danced to?

>OOP: These were all the dances:
Me & Kayla - You're the Inspiration (Chicago)
Kayla and her dad - Only the Young (Journey)
Kayla and Luke's dad - Lean on Me (Bill Withers)
Me and Kayla's mom - Sunshine on my Shoulders (John Denver)

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Comment2: Wait, you dealt with it like an adult instead of overreacting and following the advice of randos on the Internet?

>OOP: It seems obvious now, haha.
It's funny because when Kayla would ask people online or talk to "regular" people about her loss, she'd get responses like "Oh seven years ago? That's ancient history!" and basically acted like she was broken if she was ever sad about Luke again. And when she would talk to people in the grief community she never got that response, it was always "Wow, so you're just coming out of where it's very fresh, huh?"

>She recommended a podcast to me called Griefcast that I found enormously helpful, not just with understanding her feelings but processing some of my own feelings about my late mom, who I had a difficult relationship with. It really helps to talk to people and listen to stories of people who have gone through loss themselves, especially people who have experienced things outside of the "norm" of loss (grandparents, elderly parents, etc.)

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Comment3: This is so freaking true, oh my gosh. I feel like probably the people commenting just never dealt with a loss like that. There’s this weird notion that if someone is ever sad over a late love, that somehow that means they don’t really love the person they are with now. It’s some kind of empathy gap.

>OOP: Agreed. It would be like telling someone whose child died that a child they had after was "second place" or wasn't loved as much as the dead child. I think one thing that really put things into perspective was the notion that grief is not about feeling a little better each day until you're 100% better again. Rather, it's about healing and having fewer and fewer bad days.

>The first six months, for example, every single day might be bad. Then the next six months, you have a bad day every week. Then a bad day every month, and so on...obviously not so clean and linear in real life, but that's the general idea. And I think that's something I dealt with when I lost my mom, without realizing it.

>I trust Kayla to let me know when she's having a tough time, and she's to the point where it's almost never a very rough day for her except the anniversary of his death, and I don't see the need to make it a goal for her to never feel sad about his death ever again.

>I think people are made uncomfortable by grief. They want their loved one to hurry up and "move on" and "get over" their lost loved one so that they can go back to being the person they were before the death. But I didn't know Kayla before her grief, so I wouldn't want her to be anything other than who she is now.

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Comment4: I'm getting married soon and I have a late fiance who took his own life, so I felt for her in the previous post. It doesn't make sense because I'm marrying someone else, but in my mind, my late fiance is someone who should be at my wedding day.

I understand her desire to honor him. I also feel for you, since it's a difficult spot to be put in but you seem to have a good head on your shoulders. Glad yall resolved it. That level of problem solving and communication will serve you well in your marriage. Good luck OP!

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Comment5: I mean, if Luke hadn't passed away, your wife would be with him.

>OOP: This line of thinking has never bothered me, because it can be applied to so many other situations. All of life is millions of branching paths of choices that we do and do not make. It doesn't bother me to think that my wife would be with Luke if he hadn't died because, well...he has died, so that is not the situation.

>And it is only because that happened that my wife became the person I fell in love with. I have an ex-partner who I was very much in love with years ago, but we split up due to circumstances beyond either of our control. If that hadn't happened, then there's a good chance I would be married to her instead. But that's not the situation. That doesn't diminish the love that I have for my wife, and my wife having lost someone very dear to her doesn't diminish the love she has for me.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Fremen_Dave

Published on: r/AIO

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 23, 2026

• Final Update: August 18, 2026

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Main Post

^(July 23, 2026)

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AIO my girlfriend took her parents to a zoo 2 hours away, got them a hotel room and decided to crash at her “best friend”s (ex from 20 years ago) house.

I (M39) and my partner (F38) have been together for just under a year (August will be the year mark) and she decided to take her folks on a random trip to the zoo that’s a couple hours away from where we live. This was intended to be an overnight stay as they’re older and don’t want to travel too much in one day.

Her “best friend” live in the city they’re staying near and she did plan on visiting him but texted me after he made her dinner, saying that his place is an hour away from the hotel where she got a room that her parents are staying in and she’s just going to crash in his guest room.

Now, I have a traumatic relationship history involving a lot of partners that have ended up being unfaithful and ripping my heart out. And she knows all of my history and we’ve talked at length about boundaries and triggers and we’ve both been very mindful about each others’ past traumas.

We’ve had an incredible relationship and so many wonderful memories, great communication and so much love and compassion shared between us. She’s my best friend and I can see myself with her for the rest of my life.

I told her I would happily pay for her uber back to the hotel and that this makes me very uncomfortable and crosses a boundary that just makes me feel sick.

She called me and said that I’m making her feel controlled and that it’s not ok for me to not be ok with her spending time with her best friend as they are having a great time and good conversation and it’s making her want to withdraw from everyone and “crawl in a hole.” I explained that I think it’s wonderful that she’s having a good time and feeling safe and that my issue is not at all with this person or the time she spends with him, it’s about staying the night in another man’s home.

I asked if she even had anything with her for an overnight stay and she confirmed that she did, so I suggested that it was the plan to stay there. She got very defensive and angry and pretty much said “I don’t know what to tell you” and said goodnight.

My heart is breaking and I feel sick. This isn’t a thing most couples would be ok with, right? I’m not crazy for feeling this way? I feel like this is could be the end of this relationship and I just want to go lie on the train tracks.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

ZookeepergameSoft358 > NTA. You have the right to disagree with her choice and the right to walk away. She thinks it’s fine, you don’t. Incompatible. Side note- I wouldn’t be okay with that from my partner, nor would I do that to them. Deal breaker for me. > > OOP >> Thank you

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Headice24 >That’s the classic response of a narcissist cheater. She blamed you, she said you are trying to control her. Which anyone would agree her actions are highly suspicious. She already had a change of cloths and she planned this the whole time. She’s been wanting to see them and they had sex that night.

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ivyram >NOR. > >This unfortunately sounds like an affair wrapped in a trip to the zoo with the folks, OP. > >In no reality should expecting your partner not to show up at their ex's house with an overnight bag be considered controlling, insecure, or anything other than a basic expectation of common decency and respect. > >Please do not feel ashamed for crying about this. It is completely natural to mourn what appears to be the end of a relationship. Stay strong, and good luck as you work through it.

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Final Update - after 26 days

^(August 18, 2026)

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(UPDATE) AIO my girlfriend took her parents to a zoo 2 hours away, got them a hotel room and decided to crash at her “best friend”s (ex from 20 years ago) house.

Hey there Reddit, I posted this a few weeks ago and wanted to provide some closure to those that offered truly helpful insight into the situation. I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to respond in my time of brain-melting emotional spiral.

I’ll just get to it: After the events of my previous post, she said good night at around 2:30 in the morning. That morning, she sent me a good morning video of her alone in a guest room with the bed space next to her untouched. Later that morning her ex texted me saying that she said he should reach out and say hi (as she told me we’d be great friends) Upon her return, I asked for a conversation about everything that happened and for a chance to share my feelings on the matter.

It turned into the worst fight that we’d ever had and again she talked to me in a way that just made me feel stupid and was very defensive and heated. It also came to light that they were drinking and that her shoulder was sore from him “pressing on her too hard” which she explained away as him comforting her after our call but then squeezed her shoulder too hard… I didn’t buy it. DARVO definitely came to mind as she literally told me “I’m the victim here, you’re putting chains on me and telling me I can’t have friends” it was like she couldn’t hear me the 100 times I told her that she could have all the friends she wanted and hang out with them, no issue.

That my issue was deciding to spend the night at another man’s house, especially one that she has a history with and even more especially when there were a multitude of other options for spending time together. Eventually we got to a point where it was time to step away from the conversation and cool down. This went on for about a week. I kept thinking of the comments here and talked with trusted friends and my therapist about everything and knew that with no willingness to change behavior (let alone no remorse or apology) on her end. Things weren’t going to work out.

We had a last talk about things last Thursday and ended it. I told her I was going to take some space and time for myself over the weekend but in the future I would like to keep her in my life. I love her, I still wish so hard that things could be different but a life full of anxiety-inducing behavior from my partner and all the “not knowing” is a life no one should have to live when there’s a choice.

There have been a few texts back and forth, sending each other encouragement and just basic checking in to make sure the other is ok but I haven’t seen her since Thursday. It’s really sad to me and I’m having a hard time with things. I’m proud of myself for doing the hard work of stepping away and I have new respect for my intuition so I guess that’s a positive thing I can take away from the experience.

It all just hurts so much and I’m trying to believe I’m worthy of a committed partner that truly loves me and would make compromises with me. It’s difficult to feel that way after repeatedly being cheated on (maybe or maybe not in this case… but probably, at least in some way)

Time will tell, I suppose. For now, i have no desire for a relationship and plan to focus on me and my goals. Just trying to stay as healthy as possible while I recover and get my head straightened out. Lots of hikes, nature, time with friends, sketching and video games. Thank you all for your replies to the previous post. It was helpful to see that I wasn’t the only one who thought this behavior was not ok. Wishing you all well.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

LlovelyLlama (downvoted) > This probably isn’t what you want to hear, but you can’t put your past on your partner’s shoulders. > > You say they dated TWENTY YEARS ago. They are still friends. This is clearly a case of “we made a terrible couple but we are great friends.” > > You’re probably not the first boyfriend who didn’t understand this, and tried to cut her off from one of her closest friends because of their history. > > Sounds like you both handled this immaturely.
> > OOP >> I respect your opinion and I agree that my past isn’t her responsibility. But again, I supported this friendship because that appeared to be exactly the case. I wasn’t trying to cut her off from anything or anyone; but I clearly stated a boundary of “please don’t stay the night alone with another guy” that was not only disregarded but actively fought against. >> >> LlovelyLlama (downvoted) >>> I get that it makes you uncomfortable, but did you set that boundary at any time before she said she was going to crash there? Because at that point you’re asking her to make a 1 hr trip back to her hotel, rather than sleep in a guest room. >>> >>> If it had been previously discussed, then I concede that she actively chose to violate a pre-established boundary. But if you only set it in that moment and couldn’t give her some grace, especially if she’d been drinking and felt safer crashing in the spare room of a trusted friend, versus taking a 1 hour car ride with a stranger, I am wholly on her side. >>> >>> In either case, I don’t blame her for putting her own safety ahead of your comfort in that situation. Getting in a car alone with a stranger is always a risk for women, intoxicated or not. >>> >>> OOP >>>> It had been previously discussed, very clearly. Make no mistake, I don’t feel like a hero here or anything, this sucks. Ultimately, she knew how I felt about the situation that she made sure happened and then chose what she chose anyways. I would encourage you to read the previous post as well. >>>> >>>> I won’t be replying to this particular thread any further as it’s not really something I care to debate about - especially at this moment. As I said, I respect this opinion, thank you for sharing your perspective.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ldrthrowaway2729 posting in r/AITAH

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Medium

Original - 9th August 2026

Update - 17th August 2026

WIBTAH if I bought my own property without helping my parents buy theirs first?

Hi everyone.

For context, I (F25) currently live with my parent (M50s). We live in a rented property, and while it is a nice place for them, I don’t particularly enjoy living here due to having way too small a bedroom for an adult, and feeling like I’m lacking the inability to live my life in the house as I’d like to do in my own place as I wouldn’t have to worry about disturbing anyone else. I currently pay some money towards the living costs as well such as contributing towards groceries and rent. We also are POC, in a culture where it is expected that you help parents out especially with things like this.

I am in a position where I’m now in a stable job with a higher salary, so I could potentially purchase a property for myself. It would be a little apartment, but it would be mine and that would be really special to me.

For years, my dad has talked about the fact that they’d like to own their own house one day. They have some money saved up for a deposit, but unfortunately, he doesn’t bring in massive amounts of income by himself, so in order to get the property he’d like, I would have to do a joint mortgage with him OR give him money that I’ve saved for my own deposit. While he has said that if I do this, he’d help save back up my deposit for me when we own the house, and we might be able to pull equity from the house to help me move out, I feel like this just wouldn’t happen - life gets in the way and with both of us now having to pay towards the mortgage, we wouldn’t be able to save up as much as I’ve been able to in the past few years. I’ve offered up the idea that maybe he buys a slightly smaller house or in a different area so that it’s cheaper and he can do it by himself, but he’s quite insistent on it being a particular amount of bedrooms and in a particular area.

I understand that my dad has sacrificed so so much for me, and I’m so grateful for it, but I’ve tried to make things easy for him my entire life, and I feel like now I’m ready to start my own life by moving out and really being an adult. I’m worried that by not taking the chance now, I’d be missing out on something really good for myself, but I’d also be really hurting his feelings by not helping more.

Would I be the AH if I bought my own place without helping him buy his first?

Any responses are appreciated.

EDIT 08/11/26: Thank you so much everyone for your responses! I was trying to reply to all the messages but I got a bit overwhelmed aha so I thought it easier to just leave a message here for everyone. I really appreciate the responses, a lot of them are exactly what I was telling myself before making the post so I feel more validated in my thoughts. The whole situation sucks that I don’t earn enough to do both at the same time as I would love to help my dad out, but as I cannot do that, then yes it does make sense for me to find my own place first and then help out with his as much as I can.

I will be talking to him soon hopefully and will update when I do!

Comments

Usual-Frosting3882

NTA. As a parent I can say that most parents want their kids to soar and to achieve more than their parents. Buy your property

>OOP: In my ramblings to myself, this was also my thought! If I was a parent, would I not want my child to achieve what I couldn’t, especially if it was better for them? Thank you for providing a parent’s perspective

Embarrassed_Hat_2904

NTA. If he can’t afford a place on their own, they will never be able to save up to pay you back or help you get your own place.

**Judgement - NTA**

Update - 8 days later

Hi everyone! An update people said they had wanted, and I’m very happy to provide one.

Firstly, as I said in my edit to the original post, thank you everyone who gave their opinions, it was insightful and validated my own thoughts.

From that, I had decided I would talk to my dad about it, I was nervous as obviously I wouldn’t want to ruin our relationship, but it was a much needed conversation, I had researched the different options we had, I felt somewhat prepared.

He got the jump on me though! Asked to have a chat with me one evening, and immediately comes out with it - he’d like me to buy my own place first.

Cue me sat there like a deer in headlights lmao

He had thought about it and had many reasons for coming to this decision, the big ones being that he wasn’t sure the area and house size he initially wanted to buy in was really the one for him, and also that he realised he’d be keeping me back in life by not letting me move out even though I’m ready for it. He even said that he actually thinks the move would be really beneficial for me!

Honestly, it was really freaky for me, as I hadn’t mentioned anything about housing to him since making the post.

All in all, a good ending which I’m really happy to say. I made sure to reassure him that no matter how far I went, I’d always come back for him, and even if I’m not in the same house, I’ll support him from where I am once he decides where he wants to go, which I think helped his decision too. We don’t have much family, and I think a big concern for him was that by me moving out, he’d be losing all he had.

Thank you to everyone who helped me :) Now I have to start the gruelling process of house buying, but I’m excited!

Comments

SpiteWestern6739

Sounds like your dad cares about you and looking out for what is best for you, more than he does about the cultural norms you mentioned in your previous post, that's a good thing, sounds like he's a good man

>OOP: He definitely exceeded my expectations, I was so worried that cultural norms would get between us!

SaraSmilie

I love this ending so much 🥺 it's clearly been a topic in the home and he's taken the time to reflect on it because not only is it a big choice but, its an even bigger ask of you. I understand where his desire comes from. But part of being a parent is wanting our kids to do better than we did and have a better life than we have. Even if we've reached the stars and lived our best lives. We want that and more for our kids. And he was right. It would be holding you back. No loving parent would want that. I noticed in your post that you mentioned no conflicts, tensions, animosities, even in regards as to why you want to move. Which leads me to believe that you all have at least a decent relationship. Buy your own home. Live your best life. Who's to say that one day you won't be in a position to help them? Wishing you and your parents all the best 🩷.

>OOP: Thank you for giving a parents’ perspective! 💗.

ThePenultimateRolo

He is a good dad. That was the right thing to do.

>OOP: He definitely is :)

sleepyjohn00

“Place the mask over your own nose and mouth before assisting others.”

>OOP: Lots in the original post said this too! It’s something I’ll have to keep remembering throughout life.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

Originally posted by user Yaboyred5577 in r/ dogs

Original: Aug 8, 2019

Update: Aug 9, 2019

Status: concluded

Mood: slice of life

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Original: [help] my sister was attacked by a dog and now is terrified of our dogs, our parents said we might have to re-home them if this continues.

Four days ago my 9yr old sister and i (14M) were out in the front yard pulling weeds and doing yard work when a large Anatolian Shepherd ran down the street directly at us, i tried to put myself between it and my sister but the dog got to her first and latched onto her arm and snapping at her leg. I kicked it off and it went after me but i was able to fend it off with the small shovel i was holding (but not before it had taken a snap at my hand).

It ran off and i later found out that the owner was out of town and it attacked the dog walker when she came to walk it, running out the door and finding us a few blocks over, animal control caught it shortly after.

So anyway i had walked away with a small puncture wound on my hand and my sister with a sprained wrist, a large messy bite on her arm, and a puncture on her thigh. We were taken to the hospital by our father and sent home with a brace for my sister, a few stitches on her arm, and a cleaning and bandage for both her leg and my hand.

She is now (understandably) petrified of other dogs, and was even terrified of my aunts super sweet yellow lab that shes known since she was 4 when they visited on Monday. She becomes super tense when one of our dogs (our GSD and Malinois) approach her and even started to cry when the our Mal curled up next to her on the couch yesterday.

My stepmother and father had a discussion and decided that if they were going to cause so much fear from her that we might have to re-home them, i am personally stunned by this as we all love both of them a ton and neither have ever shown even a hint of aggression.

I grew up with our Shepherd King and hes my best friend, the thought of me never seeing him again makes me super upset, and even our Mal who we only adopted a few months ago ive gotten super close to and love like hell.

I dont know, im kind of freaking out and i know that my sister is terrified and that makes me feel like a POS for wanting to keep them around. I could really use some honest opinions on what you would do in this situation, its my parents decision though and i know i cant stop them from making it but i would like some peace of mind.

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Comments:

Comment1: Definitely get her to a trauma therapist and discuss the issue. Have that person guide you in this decision.

Your parents are discussing rehoming the dogs, even though they pose no threat, because children come first. They're good parents and aren't doing this against the dogs, but rather for your sister.

Hopefully a therapist can help find a happy outcome to all of this. I'm sorry this happened to you - heal up fast and keep being an awesome big brother. I'd be proud to have a son like you!

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Comment2: Therapy. Therapy is a better option. I was bitten as a child, and as a result spend my life avoiding dogs like the plague - I'm talking changing the side of the street when someone walking their dog was approaching me, screaming from afar when I saw someone with an off leash dog in the woods, not entering a house when a dog was inside etc. It had severe impact on my life.

Your sister needs help with this now. If it isn't tackled, she will most likely develop a deeply ingrained fear that will affect her life. It's a fear/phobia that is relatively easy to live with, but life is a lot easier and more fun if you are not afraid of dogs. It took me almost 40 years to get over my fear and I wish I had resolved it much earlier. It is possible, though - I have a dog myself now.

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Comment3: This is definitely a difficult topic that goes well beyond what we on Reddit can do to help, but, running away from the fear and issues with dogs won’t help anything down the road in my opinion.

Seeing a therapist and learning that most dogs you’ll encounter aren’t out to get you will be very beneficial . Learning and pushing past the fear at a young age should definitely be better in the long run than living an entire life with a fear that could have been prevented. Best of luck to you and your family either way though!

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Update: (next day)

First off i want to say a huge thanks to the people who offered their advice, it really helped me clear my head and feel better about this whole thing.

I talked to my parents and offered the idea of trauma therapy, i explained to them that it would benefit no one if she is afraid of dogs for the rest of her life. I also called my own therapist and she recommended a trauma therapist who would be able to help us for a reasonable price.

With this I've put their re-homing on hold for now and hopefully it doesn't have to happen at all, and on a happy note i talked to my sister and she doesn't want our dogs to be re-homed either, even if she is scared of it happening again.

Again, thank you all so much for the advice and kind words, i dont think i would have been able to approach it in this way if i didn't have it.

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/Spirited_Shelter4655 posting in r/AITAH

Editor's note: For ease of reading, I have replaced the initial "J" with "Jay" and, at the request of OOP, the initial "C" with "Chris."

Original Posted Friday, August 7th, 2026

AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

*friend's parents [Note: originally titled 'AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?']

My brother Pete (14) and his friends, Chris and Jay (both 14), got the idea in the middle of June to buy a pool for the rough summer we usually have because the local community pool is being shut down. When Pete or his friends couldn't convince anyone to buy it for them, they got motivated to work for it. Pete mowed lawns and did other yard work around the county, and the other two did their own work, and after a few weeks, they pooled their money together and were able to buy a cheap above-ground pool. Me and Chris and Jay's parents were really impressed and thought they deserved it after working for it. We all agreed to set the pool up in Chris backyard because their backyard is the biggest. They filled it up and did all the work for it, and the first weekend it was available, Pete and his friends all hung out in the pool.

The problem is, that was the ONLY time Pete or Jay has been in the pool. Chris, apparently, is allowed to go in whenever, but nobody else. His parents have been asked multiple times, and they're always shot down. One time, Pete ended up sneaking into the pool while I was at work, and when Chris's dad found him out there, he came out and yelled at him. Chris was in the water too, according to Pete. He and Jay were obviously confused, so when I went to talk with Chris's parents about Pete sneaking into the pool, I asked why they weren't allowed in at all. Chris's dad kept harping on the fact that Pete went in without permission, which I understand, but what I don't understand is why whenever they are asked to come over and swim, they're never allowed to. They both explained it's a 'liability' reason, meaning if anything were to happen to anyone in their pool, like if someone drowned, they don't want to be responsible and it's easier to just not allow anyone but their son in the water. But these are TEENAGERS, not toddlers, and they all know how to swim.

At the end of the conversation, Chris's dad was like, "The pool is on my property, and we used our water to fill it up, so we decide what to do with it." I raised my voice a little bit by reminding them that they didn't buy that pool, it belongs to their son, my brother and J. I understand that it's on their property, but it's unfair to gatekeep it from the people who helped to buy it. They wouldn't answer that and threatened that Pete wouldn't be allowed at their house at all if they were asked again, which Pete would hate to hear since he loves their house, so I left it at that.

Pete was pissed, to say the least, and loved to rant to anyone who listened while gaming with his friends about the situation. He asked if they could really do that and we should call the cops, but I told him let's not go that far yet, even though I agreed those people basically stole from him. But he and Chris have been friends for nearly 10 years and they do EVERYTHING together, so I'd hate to see them be separated over something petty like this.

So I came up with another idea and I went shopping online and found an inflatable hot tub for about the same amount of money they spent on the pool. It might've been just as petty, and I dipped a bit into my savings, but I bought it. Could I have bought the pool myself? Maybe, but at the same time, Pete wanted it bad and I got other things to worry about, and he's learning to work for what he wants. And a hot tub's good for my back. Pete's been in the hot tub nearly every day since it's been set up. His friends are welcome inside it too, my only rule is they gotta shower (at their own houses) before or after they get in it. It's big enough for like 5 people.

Jay and Chris have been over a lot to go in the hot tub, and their parents have noticed. Jay's dad is totally okay with it and thinks that what Chris's parents are doing is bullshit too, but he agrees that they still get their reward for all their work with the hot tub. Chris's parents, on the other hand, aren't too happy. Chris told me himself that he prefers to be in the hot tub, with his friends, rather than swimming alone in his pool, and his parents don't understand that. I haven't spoken to them directly about this, but Chris has heard rants from his mom about how everyone thinks they're some kind of child-hating monsters for not allowing anyone in their pool (that they didn't buy). It hasn't helped that Pete still loves to rant about it too, and he knows a lot of neighborhood kids who also come to dip in the hot tub. I do see Chris's mom at the store sometimes, but she doesn't make eye contact with me anymore.

I know it was petty, but AITAH?

EDIT [Note: same post]: Holy shit, this blew up a lot more than I thought. Thank you all for your input. I wanted to clear up some things in an edit.

I'm a 30 year old man.

Chris's parents are pretty wealthy. I really don't think the water bill or anything they're paying for with that pool is gonna break them.

Yes, I know Pete is owed his money back for his pool. But we're on thin ice as is with Chris's parents and I'd hate to make things even worse. He hasn't really asked about getting his money back, all he really wanted was to use the pool.

No, small claims court is out of the picture right now. It'd be a waste of everyone's time and money, and tbh, the only people who aren't satisfied with this outcome are Chris's parents.

I'M NOT GONNA VANDALIZE THE POOL.

Top Comment:

>Empty the pool and put it in someone else's yard.

Comment:

>Chris's parents should reimburse Pete and Jay and/or the pool moved to your house.

[Generally OOP was labeled NTA]

Update Posted Monday, August 17th, 2026 (10 days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

So the overall response I got to the last post was very unexpected and I appreciate everyone's input. This has been a weird situation for everyone involved.

I wanted to clarify something about the pool first. It's not inflatable, it's one of those frame pools that you set up and then fill up. I'd say it's around 15ft round, at least big enough to fit 3 teenagers and two adults all at once. And like I said before, the only reason we set it up in Chris's parents' backyard is that my backyard isn't that big, so the pool would be crossing into our neighbor's yard. Jay and his dad live in a townhouse. And Chris's family lives in a big house with at least 2 acres of open land around them. Obviously, they have the most room. I couldn't believe the number of people who suggested draining the pool or slicing the pool open. I get the idea, but that thing cost the boys like over $400 altogether.

Since I last posted, Pete and his friends have still hung out in the hot tub. Also, because people were curious, it wasn't on most of the time so they still cooled off. They liked to leave it off and then turn it on when they got too cold. The ironic thing is it's been raining this past week, so neither the pool or the hot tub has been used much. But the effects of 'poolgate' are still in effect as Pete and Jay were talking about how they could use it without having to deal with Chris's parents (who still never let them near it). The one thing nobody has done yet is call the police, because what's the point? There was no contract signed, the boys paid in cash, and we all mutually agreed to set it up in Chris's backyard, so legally they're all clear to do what they want with it, especially because they used their water to fill it up. Ethically, they're assholes, but legally, the police can't do anything if they claimed that they bought it and we have no real proof that it's mutually owned.

Jay's dad, who was angrier than I thought he was, actually ended up making several posts on Nextdoor and Facebook basically outing Chris's parents for stealing the pool. The Facebook post got some pretty good attention for like a few days before he took it down, but suffice to say, a lot of our mutuals know about it now. I got a lot of messages asking about Pete, especially from the people he worked for. I didn't put in any of my own thoughts because to be honest, I thought this was all behind us with the hot tub. But the more I thought about it, the more I understood that a hot tub wasn't enough. The boys worked hard for that pool, and they at least deserve their money back if they couldn't use it.

But then, on Friday, Pete told me that Chris let him know that the previous night, he had to help his dad drain and dismantle the pool. It was only used sporadically and not for more than a month. Chris had to help his dad throw the whole pool IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD DUMPSTER! We had to go over and check it out ourselves to believe it. Saturday afternoon, with Jay and his dad's help, all four of us managed to pull everything out of the dumpster and we brought it back to Jay's house. They, as mentioned, don't have the room to set the pool up in their backyard, but they do have a shed, and Jay's dad is letting them store it there for the time being. Jay's dad has a pickup truck, so it wasn't that hard to transport it. Chris had no idea, and neither did his parents, but we both did get some questioning texts asking if we 'took' the pool. Neither of us denied it. Pete hasn't been able to talk to Chris ever since because, I assume, his phone's been taken away and he's been occupied with other things. That's my way of saying, of course he was grounded.

Understandably, EVERYONE is pissed now. Jay's dad and I are pissed, especially that those guys just up and tried to throw away something these boys earned by working. The boys are pissed that not only have they been prevented from using the pool, except for Chris, but their hard work has been literally thrown away because his parents don't want to be responsible for it. THE PARENTS are beyond pissed that they were publicly shamed and that their son snitched on them and we got to the pool before the dump truck did. And yes, we did get questions by neighbors when we were digging in the trash. We told them the truth. The worst part is, because the weather's getting colder, there's no point in trying to set the pool up anywhere else even if we could. Thankfully, they still have the hot tub.

So now, as it should've been from the beginning, Jay's dad and I are gonna sit down and talk with Chris's parents about what compelled them to try to get rid of the pool like that instead of just letting the boys use the thing THEY bought, and also find out exactly what the issue is behind this whole situation. I have a feeling it's not gonna go well. If they won't at least refund the boys, which we're gonna demand, then we're both taking them to small claims, which we both know we might get screwed with considering they can afford good lawyers and neither of us can. All we want is $300 split between Pete and Jay, and then this whole thing will be behind us. It sucks that Pete and Chris's friendship may be over after this, but it isn't either of their fault.

Top comment:

>Most small claims courts do not allow lawyers. My parents sued in small claims court once. The defendants brought a lawyer, and once my parents pointed him out, the judge told him to leave.

Reply from OOP:

>We'd probably be screwed anyway, since we all agreed to it being on their property.

Comment:

>You have the pool now. Sell it and let the boys split the money. At least they’ll get some money. They sure leaned a lesson about buying things with other people.

New Update posted Tuesday, August 18th (11 days later)

UPDATE: AITAH for buying a hot tub after my brother's friends' parents kept refusing to allow him or anyone else in their pool that my brother helped to buy?

We had our conversation.

Jay's dad (who I'll call Russell) and I showed up at Chris's parents' house after work under the guise of trying to mend whatever problems haven't been settled over this whole pool thing yet. We've all known each other for about as long as the boys have (so about 8 years for Jay and 7 for Chris). It's not like we're strangers, so it wasn't uncomfortable. We got offered some drinks and we sat down, and the first thing I asked was what this all was about. They wanted to focus on the fact that we dumpster dived to get our pool back, but we were firm that we knew this wasn't about the pool.

Chris's dad, who I'll call Greg, was mostly quiet the whole time. He just sat back and nodded while his wife, who I'll call Lorraine, spoke for the both of them.

I asked if they really were okay with the boys setting up the pool in their yard to begin with, and they both looked at each other before saying no, they weren't. They both thought it was a waste of money, and pools are a seasonal item so they should've bought something that they could use year round. Russell said they should've said that when we all agreed, including them, to set it up. They said it made Chris happy and they thought he deserved something he wanted for all his hard work. Lorraine mentioned that, at the end of the day, they felt 'pressured' to do it.

Then we got into the whole liability thing, and if that was really why they wouldn't allow anyone but Chris in the pool. Lorraine kept claiming yes, that was the reason, despite our attempts to tell her we could've worked something out if she wanted them supervised. It didn't matter, we both just wanted to give the boys what they worked for, and they're the ones who were preventing that, and we wanted to know the truth about why.

She went on to say that she wasn't happy with the idea of a pool in their backyard because a) she was actually planning on building a greenhouse in the same space, and b) they were both concerned that having the pool would be a distraction. Like, Chris would want to spend more time outside, in the pool, getting sunburnt and all that, than staying inside and studying when school started. It was all another excuse to stay away from the books. And this would give Chris's friends, including Pete and Jay, reasons to 'trespass' on their property. Lorraine brought up when Pete snuck in the pool without permission and apparently it was such a big deal that it warranted second thoughts on keeping the pool at all.

We were dumbfounded. They've NEVER acted like this before in all the years we've known them. And honestly, I didn't buy that explanation, and neither did Russell. Greg supported her comments, but they could see that we were unsatisfied with that answer. We wanted to know if they had something against either of our boys.

Lorraine then asked if she could be honest with both of us. I had a feeling we were gonna get answers so I said yes, hit us with your best shot.

She said that they both believe that Pete and Jay are bad influences on their son. That as they've gotten older, Chris's become louder, more vulgar, and less willing to join them on their own family activities. That our boys, primarily Jay, are loud, violent and smart mouthed and they've always felt that Chris should look for new friends. That they're concerned that the things and words that Chris has learned from our boys are gonna impact him in the long run and ruin his chances of the life they, I guess, have always dreamed for him. Then she went on this tirade about how they have 'planned' Chris's future already. He's gonna get into a top university that they're already prepared to pay for, he's gonna get a good job after he graduates, meet a woman and get married, have kids, and essentially live a 'normal' adult life. All this apparently is never gonna happen because of Pete and Jay.

We were silent. Lorraine kept saying 'I'm sorry, I'm sorry' over and over again, and that we wanted to know the truth, and it's just a concern they have.

Russell spoke first. He asked if they've always felt this way, and Greg said in a way, yes. It wasn't that bad when they were little and just hanging out at school, but as the boys have gotten closer, it's become a 'problem'. When asked what exactly is so bad about these teenage boys, Lorraine again mentioned their mouths, their violent tendencies, their habits (like video games), and all the usual stuff you hear that's bad for growing kids. They also said that, in their opinion, both of them are missing things in their lives that they believe will keep Chris out of trouble when he gets older. They were, of course, referring to mother figures. Pete's never had a relationship with our mom, and Jay's dad is divorced and Jay's mom lives in another country with his sister. So because neither of them has had a wise, loving mother to powder their little asses and warm their bottles like Chris does, they're bad kids. Oh, and because they're devout Christians and neither of us go to church, that was brought up too. They've just kept their mouths shut about these problems the whole time for the sake of their friendship.

Then, Lorraine dropped this little bomb. She basically implied that they have the means to give Chris a 'proper' future, meaning money, and just because we don't for our boys, that doesn't give us the right to try and bring Chris down to our level. Our level, according to her, is not having the means to care for children properly, denying them opportunities, and all these different little nitpicks about our lives that, in their opinion, reflect on Pete and Jay and their attitudes that Chris has learned from them.

Now we were PISSED. Russell actually got up and raised his voice, and I had to restrain him and calm him down a little bit. Greg threatened the police if there was any trouble, and that's not how we wanted this night to end. Lorraine was crying and kept saying 'I'm sorry' again and again.

When he calmed down, Russell spoke in a pretty low voice and told them both that we all have different situations, and we're raising these boys in our own ways. If there's something they don't like about either of our boys, you don't hold it against them, you mention it to us. That's how I'm gonna grow as a parent, at least. And nothing about either of our situations gives them the right to say these boys are bad influences. None of them have been to prison or had the cops called on them or anything.

We had to remind them of our histories. I asked them to consider that I'm Pete's brother, not his parent, and I wasn't prepared to raise him when I took him in. I had no choice other than putting him into the foster system. Russell brought up personal problems he had with his ex-wife and her distant relationship with Jay. We both said we're doing our best raising these boys, just like they are, but if they're so concerned about how they're being raised, what makes them think they're any better just because they have more money?

And if they wanna compare our kids so badly, then let's do it. Chris is constantly on his phone, because Lorraine always wants to know where he is and what he's doing. Chris doesn't like to stay home all the time. Chris always takes junk food from either of our houses. Chris would rather hang out with his friends in a hot tub than swim in a pool that was four times bigger. The only extracurriculars Chris does for school are the ones his friends do. Chris was introduced to and now loves all these geeky things that Pete and Jay love, and he taught them things he likes. And why were the boys working together to buy a pool to begin with? Because they wanted another reason to hang out with each other despite the heat.

And now, they were both silent. They had these ashamed looks on their faces, especially Lorraine, who just kept crying.

Now, onto the main point, how gatekeeping the pool and then throwing it away when it wasn't being used for the one person they let inside it wasn't how they were gonna treat these boys anymore. Not ours, and not theirs. That's when Greg asked if we were gonna tell them how to parent their kid now. Russell and I both emphasized that the way they're treating Chris is actually setting him up for failure in his life. He already has self-esteem issues being a teenager, he needs to be able to make his own choices. When asked what choices, I asked if they were sure he even wanted to go to college when he got older. Greg said he 'won't have a choice.' That they've worked too hard to let him pass any opportunity just because he was 'influenced' to do something different, and that's what they're trying to avoid with Pete and Jay. They were on board with him working, but helping to buy a pool wasn't what they had in mind. I asked what exactly they expected him to buy with the money, and they didn't really have an answer, just something different.

Suffice to say, this wasn't a nice conversation, and we excused ourselves out before either of us said anything that we'll regret, or do something that warrants the police being called, because believe me, we BOTH felt like punching Greg. We never demanded anything from them or threatened legal action like I mentioned in my last post. I kinda said that out of anger, so I apologize for that.

Me and Russell spent a while in his truck just talking about what we can do. What they've done and said wasn't cool, but we had to be careful. We can't control how they raise Chris, but they can try to control who Chris can hang out with. They have every right to ban Pete and Jay from their house if they want to. They don't have to pay for his extracurriculars if they don't want to. They could even move houses if they want to. At the end of the day, it was all about keeping the peace between the boys, which hasn't been a problem because they're all on the same page. In fact, Russell and I both agreed that the boys were behaving more maturely than any of us were, and we laughed at that.

So for right now, we're gonna spend some time thinking of what else we could do. If anyone has any advice, I'd love to hear it. But the one thing I know we have to do is talk to Pete and Jay, and if possible, talk to Chris. His parents can try all they want to, but Chris is a smart kid, grounding him isn't gonna keep him from staying in contact with his bros. And I have a strong feeling he's got some interesting things to say about his parents. But again, we're not doing anything until we have solid proof and a solid plan.

**DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Gold-Necessary-3194 in r/relationship_advice**

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[**I (21M) have known my friend (28M) for 3 months, but I'm already his main source of support and he's waiting for us to date - how do I set boundaries?**](https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1vizj3x/i\_21m\_have\_known\_my\_friend\_28m\_for\_3\_months\_but/) - August 8, 2026

I have known my friend for just over three months. He is female-to-male transgender and has BPD. Last month he had bottom surgery (no need to go to detail on this) and we had to travel across the country for it. This has wiped out most of his savings but I was hoping things would pick up from there. He's currently in a wheelchair and I have to wheel him about everywhere. He's also essentially bed bound so most days I have to go to his house to help him. I feel like more of a carer than a friend right now. Recently he developed a haematoma and has to go back to the hospital, which means another cross-country trip. I asked him why he can't get the haematoma fixed locally and he said the hospital told him that surgeons not specialising in this surgery won't know what to do and could damage the area. Something about this doesn't really make sense to me, as I assume surgeons deal with "foreign objects" in patients all the time, but I'm willing to admit I'm not an expert in this sort of thing. The bigger issue is that my friend can't afford this. He's off work, and after paying for lodging, train tickets, etc. for another trip (the second one) he only has the US equivalent of $25 in his bank account for the next month.

He doesn't have the money to buy groceries, so a couple of times a week I cook for him (which is a bit tricky, because he's vegetarian and I'm not) and deliver it for him. The bigger issue is that he's a habitual weed smoker. I have no problem with this in itself, I enjoy it once in a blue moon myself, but he smokes every day. Unfortunately it's still illegal here so he has to buy it from 'unscrupulous characters'. This means he keeps running up debts with drug dealers. I give him the money to pay them off, so he currently owes me the equivalent of $50. He just messaged me and says he needs another $25. Again, I don't mind this because I would much rather he owed the money to me than to criminals (the worst thing I'll do if I'm not paid back is I'll be a bit miffed lol). But on top of everything else it's tricky to deal with. He insists he needs weed to self-medicate for his BPD and didn't quit even though he would be drug tested for the bottom surgery. Surprisingly, he passed. Again, I'm not judging because I use nicotine to manage my autism and OCD symptoms, but it feels like another thing I have to worry about.

A bigger issue is that I still live with my parents and currently don't have a job (although my friend has been helping me find one). I don't have a lot of money myself other than my savings from previous jobs I've had and my student loan bursary, and that's a finite source of income. I had to ask my parents for money for this second trip, as funding it myself like the first time would completely wipe out my own savings, and they refused to give me the money. Without getting into detail, they are textbook definition helicopter parents and think I am getting "invested too early". When I told my friend this he says he now worries my parents hate him (which I don't think is true, I think their feelings are more complicated than that) and says he doesn't feel welcome coming to our house to visit any more. I also had to inform him that I won't be able to go with him to the next cross-country trip, and I'm worried about how he will be able to get back home (since I remember the last trip and he wasn't in any condition to travel by himself after the surgery).

I do think my parents might have a point about us becoming invested too early. My friend keeps mentioning "promise rings" (which is a concept I was unfamiliar with, but is apparently an "engagement to being engaged"? I'm still not 100% sure), but to me it feels a bit early to be thinking about that sort of thing. We are not currently dating yet, but he keeps saying he's "waiting for me" to decide we're a couple.

We had an argument the other day where I was trying to encourage him to seek treatment for the haematoma locally instead of travelling so far away again. At one point I raised my voice (most likely because I was stressed). He said I reminded him in that moment of "his abusive ex", who according to him SA'd and hit him. I apologised profusely, but I cannot help but feel highly offended by this comparison and it has played on my mind a lot since.

Even minor things are playing on my mind. He loves video games and plays them all the time, I don't. I prefer watching TV to unwind and I get the sense he doesn't. Just little things like that.

If this post seems like it's all over the place, that's because it kind of is. It feels like I'm way in over my head with this situation and I just don't know what to do. He is getting impatient with the fact we aren't dating yet but I feel like that would make this a commitment I don't think I'm ready for. But I do think him being in my life has helped me a lot in 'coming out of my shell' so to speak, and the last thing I want to do is hurt his feelings. Ideally we would be able to just be friends right now without the expectations that this must become something more serious right away. I'd just like to hear some outside opinions.

TL;DR: I've known my 28M friend for three months, but after his surgery I've become heavily involved in his day-to-day care and finances. He's also pressuring me toward a romantic relationship, while I'm increasingly unsure whether that's something I want. I care about him and don't want to lose the friendship, but I feel overwhelmed and need advice on setting boundaries.

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**Relevant comments**

**Commenter 1:** Ok you do not want a romantic relationship with this guy at the moment. He's very clearly in the throws of his mental illness due to the vulnerability of his situation, and IF (big if) anything more was fated to happen it is much more healthy for it to happen while on equal footing and not a carer/patient type relationship. I think the most healthy thing to note is that.

However i'm overall not inclined y'all are compatible / ready for it. While respecting triggers is important, someone who has triggers has to get over them enough to not resort to implying the person is like their old abuser, for one, and you also just seem... to not be interested in that. Which is fine. Maybe you will be if they prove themselves reliable after this rough patch but like rn you just seem to be stuck in sort of expectations of him and going along mentally, which isn't the right way to do it.

Wish you the best of luck.

&gt; **OOP:** I have tried to make it clear to him that I would never deliberately do anything that could act as a trigger. We have went over everything that could be a trigger (obviously not going to disclose that here because it's personal to him) and I've made a note of them all. He had never said that "raising your voice while stressed" could be a trigger for him though, that came a bit out of the blue

**Commenter 2:** you might be his FP (favourite person) which you DO NOT want (look this up).

&gt; **Commenter 3:** I stopped reading after OP said BPD. OP, you would be wise to take some time to educate yourself about BPD. Spend some time in the subreddit. There's a lot to learn and a lot to look out for. I would never say that people with BPD are not deserving of friendship, love, effort, time, but it is a major personality disorder and can cause major havoc and major emotional distress. It is common for those with BPD to become hyper attached, and to lash out when they even think those attachments are being threatened. Be prepared for some serious boundary setting, and possibly some fallout from that. It's absolutely reasonable to be wary of getting involved with someone with BPD, especially if they are not in active treatment.

&gt; **OOP:** He is extremely clingy. If I go more than a day without popping round to his house for a visit, he needs reassurance that I don't hate him now. When were at the hospital last time, I didn't go into the pre-op with him because I assumed he wanted his privacy. This led to an argument where he said I had let him down and that he had unmatched me on Tinder. I apologised and explained my side of the situation better, but that night I thought we were over. The next day when I visited him in the hospital and picked him up to take him home he kept telling me how much he loved me. So yeah, I have noticed things can go from 0 to 100 very fast

&gt;> **Commenter 2:** Disengage, and do it NOW. Things may go from 0 to 100, but it could progress to going from 0 to 1000. Likewise, from 1000 to zero, in literally the blink of an eye. Empathy for someone with a serious mental illness is admirable, but for someone who is not seeking active treatment for their BPD, becoming their support system will likely end badly for you and be ultimately unhelpful for them. You can't just be a normal supportive friend to someone with BPD. Spend some time in the BPD sub and educate yourself on BPD before you decide whether you have the capacity and/or bandwidth to be in each others' lives. You need to learn more about how people with BPD experience emotions and understand the world and the people they are interact with. ETA: I really don't want to sound unsympathetic to those with BPD, and empathy and acceptance of mental illness is very in vogue these days which is a good thing. However, BPD is a major personality disorder and by providing support and possibly enabling behavior, by interfacing with this person's mental illness without education or experience, it may be ultimately harmful for your friend.

**Commenter 4:** Three month in is much to early to provide this kind of help. If you give him money you are funding his addiction. Never lend money that you aren't comfortable of loosing. He can cut contact tomorrow and latch onto the next willing person. The friendship is one sided, he is using you. Three month in is a good time to evaluate if you are compatible.

&gt; **OOP:** He has paid me back before. At one point he owed me $160 and he paid as soon as he could. Although this sudden follow-up hospital trip taking a massive hit to his finances, and him currently still being off-work on sick leave, I don't expect him to be able to pay me back again for a while. But I'm confident he will pay me back again when he can, though

**Commenter 5:** What on Earth are you doing? You are unemployed and living at home, but you have decided that you want to be a sugar daddy to an unemployed almost 30 year old? In what universe does that make any sense? Your parents are not being helicopter parents when they say no. They are expecting their fully grown son to be an adult. They do not need to give you money to support another failure to launch adult.

&gt; **OOP:** I frame it as "I'm just helping out a friend". I dunno if it's fair to frame my friend as a failure to launch... he lives on his own and normally has his own income (he's off from work while he's recovering from the surgery, though).

&gt;> **Commenter 5:** Fair. I take back the failure to launch, but this is way, way, way too much and too fast. It is not at all healthy to be dependent on someone you met 3 months ago, particularly when that person is 21 and living at home with his parents. Real relationships take time. This instant enmeshment should concern you.

**Commenter 6:** You are a virtual stranger and he’s got you traveling across the country, pushing him around in a wheel chair, asking for $, and pressuring you to date. Do you understand how batshit crazy that sounds? You need to put some distance between you and let his other friends/family help him. It’s insane that he would go for, and his doctors would allow, such an extensive surgery without him having a support network. You are 21 years old and this person is completely taking advantage of you. He has drained his finances, can’t work and has no plan to care for himself. You are not his friend, you are his nurse. I’ve had friends I’ve known for 20 years that I’d have difficulty asking this kind of help from. 3 months of friendship maybe entitles you to share my French fries if you ask nicely.

&gt; **OOP:** I do think you're right, but he does have a job. He's currently off-work on sick leave while he's recovering from surgery. I just don't know if I've been really bad with the timing of when I've met him, and I've had to do a lot more than what I would normally do for a friend because of it. He doesn't speak to his family (they're no-contact with him because he is trans) and most of his other friends are pretty busy, so if I weren't in the picture I'm really not sure what he would do.

&amp;nbsp;

[*UPDATE: I (21M) have known my friend (28M) for 3 months, but I'm already his main source of support and he's waiting for us to date - how do I set boundaries?**](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship\_advice/comments/1vlov4a/update\_i\_21m\_have\_known\_my\_friend\_28m\_for\_3/) - August 11, 2026

Original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1vizj3x/i_21m_have_known_my_friend_28m_for_3_months_but/

Thank you to everyone who commented on my original post. I wasn't expecting quite so many people to tell me that I had effectively become this guy's carer after only three months, but reading the comments did make me realise that I needed to actually address the situation rather than continuing to tell myself that I was "just helping a friend".

I ended up sitting down and telling him pretty much exactly what I'd been thinking. I told him that I was worried he was becoming too dependent on me, particularly given how quickly we'd gone from meeting to me providing a lot of practical and financial support. I told him that I was uncomfortable with the idea of becoming a necessary part of his life after only three months, and that I thought I needed to take a step back.

I was quite nervous about saying this because I know he has BPD and I was worried he'd interpret it as me abandoning him. He actually took it reasonably well. He said he didn't feel dependent on me, but that I'm basically his only friend locally who can help him with things, and that he appreciated everything I'd done. He also apologised if he'd made me feel that way.

There was then quite a lot of discussion about whether this was really about dependency or whether I was pulling away because of something else. He asked whether my parents had said anything to me, because they'd previously expressed concerns about how invested I'd become. I told him that this had been on my mind independently and that my parents hadn't told me to do anything.

The conversation then shifted more explicitly towards the romantic side of things. He told me that he'd thought we were getting closer and that he genuinely enjoys spending time with me. He also pointed out that we'd cuddled, had conversations that you'd normally have with someone you were considering dating and so on. He felt that I'd given him the impression that we were moving towards a relationship.

The complicated part is that I do have feelings for him. I like him, I enjoy spending time with him, and I care about him. But when I actually ask myself whether I know that I want a relationship with him, my honest answer is "I don't know".

He has been much more certain about his feelings towards me than I have been about mine. He has talked about things like promise rings and has said that he was essentially waiting for me to decide that we're a couple. I, meanwhile, have been thinking that three months is a very short amount of time and that I don't want to make a major romantic commitment while I'm still unsure.

I told him that I didn't want either of us to rush into a relationship that we might both regret. I also explained that I hadn't deliberately kept this from him. It genuinely took me until the last few days to work out what I actually wanted to say. I wasn't sitting there knowing the answer and deliberately stringing him along.

He said that he would have preferred me to simply tell him that I wasn't into him or didn't think we were compatible. That's where things got a bit complicated, because I don't think "I'm not into you" is actually true. I am into him to some degree. I just don't have the same certainty that he has, and I don't think it's fair to start a relationship when one person is considerably more invested than the other.

He pointed out that my Tinder bio says I'm looking for a long-term relationship, and argued that if I'm into someone I should at least have some idea whether I could see myself being with them long-term. I don't entirely agree with that. My Tinder bio means that I'm looking for a serious relationship if I meet someone I genuinely want that relationship with. It doesn't mean that every person I meet is automatically someone I want to date, or that I'm required to know after three months whether they're someone I could spend the rest of my life with.

At one point he said that he thinks he's "the problem" because he's been rejected romantically throughout his life and his previous relationships were toxic. I don't think that's a fair conclusion to draw from this situation. I've tried to tell him that I don't want him to interpret this as some kind of verdict on his ability to have relationships.

Eventually he said that he thought we should "call it quits" because he'd been in situations before where someone said they had feelings for him but was simultaneously unsure about wanting a relationship, and he didn't want to put himself through that again. I told him that I didn't see why we couldn't remain friends.

He said he was happy to remain my friend, but that things would probably be awkward for a while. In particular, he said he couldn't really come over to my house anymore because it would feel awkward, which he said was a shame because he loves my dogs. I told him that nobody had said he couldn't come over. His response was basically that it wasn't that he couldn't come over, but that he couldn't come over by himself because it would now feel awkward.

At this point, I think we've reached a bit of an impasse. I want to remain friends. He says he does too, but he also seems to think that continuing to spend lots of time together while he has stronger romantic feelings than I do would be painful for him. I think I have to respect that.

So, at the moment, I'm essentially giving him the space I've been saying I need. He's travelled to the hospital (by himself) and it turns out he doesn't have a haematoma. The lump he felt was actually a standard part of the post-op process and the swelling is normal. Which I'm glad to hear about. The wheelchair is still with him for now, and I'll collect it when he's back. He's also said he'll pay me back the money he owes me when he gets paid.

I don't know what happens with the friendship from here. I genuinely hope we can remain friends once things aren't so emotionally charged, but I also understand if he needs some distance first.

TL;DR: I think things have ended about as well as they could have.

&amp;nbsp;

**Relevant comments:**

**Commenter 1:** You really, really, really shouldn't be trying so hard to stay tied to this guy.

**Commenter 2:** Your friend is right that he's the problem (even if he wasn't being genuine and introspective when he said it). Not because he's a bad person or because he has BPD, but because based on both your posts he is so very clearly not in a position to be in a healthy relationship. He's the definition of someone who needs to find happiness and stability in themselves first but instead he's trying to fill that hole with another person. Which never works.

**Commenter 3:** He finds himself in these kinds of situations because he insists on forcing the issue. He's doing you a favour, keep away from this "friendship" and the ensuing drama. It can also be viewed as a manipulative move to pursue you into a relationship you don't actually want. BPD is not justification for toxic behaviour. Some people are just not worth the effort.

**Commenter 4:** OP - you want him to stay a friend, but he wants something romantic. Your goals aren’t compatible. What you want from each other isn’t compatible.

Saying you have feelings for him, but won’t give him a romantic chance, is another way to lead him on. Keeping him around as “a friend” would be selfish, knowing he cares for you in a way you can’t, or won’t, return.

From what I picked up in your exchange, you were also trying to manage his perspective, responses, and emotions during the conversation. You rejected him - you don’t get to tell him how he processes that rejection. You told him you liked him, but refused to date him, and couldn’t tell him why. That’s confusing. That’s hard to hear.

While I think your intentions weren’t cruel, the effect still was. You flirted with him, returned physical affection and emotional intimacy, and then refused to formalize or define what I’m guessing was already happening. You called it “friendship,” but since he felt differently, and you admitted to your own feelings for him, it was never really friendship. The boundaries were always blurred. If you were swiping for other guys while curled up on his arms (metaphorically or not), that was very much AH behavior.

Let him go. You both need the same space. You could maybe explore what about the dynamic never felt real or worth pursuing, when your own heart was in it. He needs to heal and move on, and find someone who chooses him back, and chooses him first.

&amp;nbsp;

**Reminder - I am not the original poster. DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS.**

Originally posted by user Total-Stock3170 in r/ amItheAsshole

Original: Dec 17, 2025

Update: in post itself

Status: concluded

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Original: AITA for buying my nephew piano lessons for his birthday?

I recently decided that I wanted to shift in buying experience presents instead of material gifts as kids have so many toys it seems. Over the last couple years, every time my nephew (6 years old) is at my house he always wants to play on my piano or requests that I play for him.

I thought it might be nice for his birthday to buy him piano lessons for the year at our local conservatory. I asked his parents if they were ok with this and I offered to drive him to and from lessons as well as gave my extra keyboard for him to practice on.

I made it clear to his parents that I didn’t care if he wasn’t interested past the year, but if he wanted to continue that I would continue to pay the tuition. It was more to provide that opportunity to him, he is the perfect age to start, and he genuinely seems to love music.
Edit to say: they both said they were ok with this gift prior to be gifting it

Of course my nephew was thrilled when he got the gift.

But after the party, I got a text from my SIL basically saying that I need to back off and that I had no right to infringe on how they want to raise their child and dictate what programs they are involved in and that if I want to put a child in music, I ought to have a child myself.

She further went on to say that if I really cared about the rearing of their child and their wishes, that I would have purchased tuition to skating lessons as they want their boy to play hockey.

I haven't yet responded because I don't know what to say. I am afraid of making things worse.

I suppose in some sense, yes, I picked piano lessons, because I myself am a musician and that is the world I am familiar with. But I also considered how much my nephew loves playing on the piano when he is over.

And, yes, I knew that his parents wanted him to play hockey, because that is what they both played as kids. But I figured it wouldn't be a bad thing for him to have many opportunities to try different things. I mean growing up, I did music, skating, swimming, ballet, field hockey and all at fairly high levels. It was all part of being a well-rounded person.

And further, I didn't want to take away the parents special moment in signing him up for hockey/skating lessons themselves. IDK I'm just wondering from other parents here if I've done something wrong. I don't have kids myself, so perhaps I have overstepped. I certainly wasn't trying to take something away from them or push their child into a path.

I don't know where to go from here.

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Additional details from OOP in comments:

[did you explicitly check with parents?]

OOP: I did give them all the info and in all fairness he doesn’t do any other extra curricular. It was over text message so perhaps they didn’t like it from the start and it bubbled out afterwards? But they had all the info from the get go

OOP: Yes, cleared it with them both on a group text message. They said it was ok. Then it was a day after the party I got the direct message from my SIL. But I wonder if they didn’t like it from the jump but didn’t say no to me at the time. I probably should’ve called instead so I could hear their tone of voice. But they did say yes.

---------------
[are you steering nephew towards your interests? why not give trial lessons first?]

OOP: Yeah, I think all this is very fair. The material gift thing though came about because my SIL and brother often talk about that they have no room for all the toys etc, so I figured hell let’s try something else.

I do think maybe it was overboard - and I should’ve started with only a few classes… I think once I got their go ahead I just went with what I knew, which is you signed up for the whole year to give it a good try. I didn’t really think about it.

I didn’t really think about him being six, because to be fair most of the people that play music at the conservatory start around 5-6. I sincerely meant that I don’t care if he doesn’t wish to continue, bc it’s up to the child in the end to determine their likes and dislikes.

However, I thought it was a fun gift bc nephew genuinely seems to like playing and seems to enjoy the informal little lessons I can give, I thought it was a good fit. But I can see why it could come across as presumptuous.

I think I was so hyper aware that I didn’t want to cause them work, which is why I offered to drive but likely that came off that I was being overbearing perhaps…. Yeah, as I said before in comment section, I’ll just go with their flow. I don’t want to cause problems that would drive a wedge.

--------------------------------------------

Comments:

Comment1: NTA. You asked, they agreed. Now what? They're changing their minds why? What's really going on?
That'd be my reply message: I asked you this, you agreed with it, now what has changed?

Comment2: I think your nephew is more interested in music than playing hockey. your sil doesn't like it and so is blaming you.

Comment3: Signing kids up for sports and extra-curriculars really is a parent thing.
I side with your SIL on that statement she made ... You can decide that for your own kids, but were out of line (IMO) doing that for hers. Doesn't make you an AH, just a bit niave I guess.

>OOP: Just to clarify. I did not fill out any forms - I sent an etransfer to the parents for full cost of tuition for the year, which they have accepted. The parents said they would do the registration- and there isn’t a problem with teacher availability - and I sent them all the links so it would be easy to do.
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OOP: I’ll just see what my brother thinks tonight. By virtue that the money has not been refunded to me, I’m going to assume she/they feels caught going through with the lessons bc my nephew obviously knows about them going to happen. Ughhh this all sucks so much.

Comment4: NTA - I’d just say “oh, I’m incredibly sorry, when you said you were ok with the gift, I assumed that meant you were ok with the gift. How would you like to proceed?”

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Update 0.5

Edit: wow, there is a terrifying number of responses to this haha. Thank you all for taking the time to provide your thoughts. I wouldn’t usually post but I was so deeply hurt I guess I was venting. For anyone curious, I’ll update once I chat with my bro tonight.

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Update:

As promised, the update: I’m not going to impose judgment here—just relay a summary of the convo. Fellow Redditors can make of the conversation what they wish.

I brought up the text my SIL sent me to my bro and expressed my confusion, as they had both given me consent. My brother did appear shocked at the message and said that he did not know it had been sent. That said, he did guiltily admit that there had been some conversations between his wife and her parents and sisters about my gift, and that it wasn’t an entirely kind convo.

The general tone was, “You’re allowing his aunt to pick his programming? Why aren’t you putting him in what you want?” along with snarky comments asking if it was bad form to whistle and bring cowbells to a recital and that they are gonna have to find pearls to wear. There were also some raised eyebrows about the cost of the gift when my SIL told them, and comments that it was over the top.

My brother apologized to me for not stepping in when that conversation was going on and for allowing the family to talk that way about me. He’s generally a pretty quiet guy and non confrontational… that’s not an excuse, only to say that I can see him not saying anything.

I told my brother that I don’t want to cause problems for him and his family, and that if they want, we can reduce the number of lessons to just 6–8. It feels wrong to take the lessons away completely.

My brother—who, while he was a high-level athlete through university, also played piano until he was 16—refused the reduction and said that he had no problem with a full year. He said his son has been talking about the lessons and keeps asking when they are starting.

He agreed with my philosophy (or I suppose our family philosophy) that if you are going to try something, you should at least have the discipline to try it for an entire year. Anyway, I told him I don’t want this to be a thing and that I’m happy to move on, as long as everyone else is still okay.

Within a couple of hours of me getting home, my brother sent me the registration confirmation. (For those who didn’t see my other comments, I had e-transferred the parents the entire tuition amount—which had been accepted by them prior to the party—but they still had to fill out the registration form.)

He sent the confirmation in the group message between myself, his wife, and him. All he said after that was that his son will treasure this gift—which honestly makes up for the hurt and stomach pain I’ve had over this. It’s crickets from my SIL, but imma let it go. We’ll likely need to chat about it in person at some point, but maybe once things cool off a bit .

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REMINDER: I am not OOP. Do not comment on original post or harass OOP.
Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

I am not the OOP. The OOP is u/ThrowRA7262712 posting in r/relationship_advice

Concluded as per OOP

1 update - Short

Original - 6th August 2026

Update - 15h August 2026

Been together for 3 years and still haven't had intercourse.

I love my girlfriend 21F but I feel stuck and need advice 23M. I (23M) have been together with my girlfriend (21F) for 3 years. We started dating when she was 18 and I was 20.

Overall, our relationship is genuinely good. We love each other, we get along very well, and when we have disagreements we usually talk about them and solve them. I honestly see a future with her and I don't want to lose the relationship.

The difficult topic is intimacy.

Neither of us had sex before this relationship. I have always respected her boundaries and I have never wanted to pressure her. I don't constantly ask for sex, and I don't believe she owes me anything. When she says no, I stop.

The only sexual intimacy we have had is that she sometimes gives me handjobs and I massage/touch her. She enjoys it and seems comfortable with me, but we have never had intercourse.

The reason is that she is scared it will physically hurt. She told me she has never put anything inside herself before, and whenever things get closer to that point she becomes scared and pulls back.

I always reassure her that I will be gentle and that we can stop at any moment, but we have never really gotten close because the fear comes back.

The reason I am struggling now is not because I want to force anything. It is because after 3 years I feel stuck and unsure what to do. I want that deeper level of closeness with the person I love, and sometimes I start wondering if she is not attracted to me or if I am doing something wrong.

About 2 months ago I sat down with her and honestly told her that this situation has been affecting me. We both got emotional because she thought I was going to break up with her. She told me that she feels like the time is coming soon and that she believes it will happen in the near future.

The problem is that I have heard similar things before, so I struggle to believe it now. I don't want to pressure her, but hearing "soon" without anything changing has become difficult.

We have also had situations where we had privacy. For example, we were alone in a hotel for a week, and my parents have been away for weeks before. She has mentioned that we are never really alone or that we don't have the right moment, but even when those situations happen, nothing changes.

Something else that confuses me is that sometimes she actually initiates intimacy herself. She will start things, I respond, and then sometimes she suddenly changes the topic and starts talking about work or random things. I ask if she wants to stop and she says no, and we continue, but I don't always understand what is happening in her head.

Another thing that has started bothering me is that I sometimes feel like there is an imbalance in the relationship. I always try my best to listen to her, support her, respect her boundaries, and make her feel comfortable. I do this because I love her, not because I expect something in return.

But when it comes to something that is important to me, I sometimes feel like my feelings get pushed aside or delayed. I know she is not doing this intentionally and I don't believe she owes me sex, but emotionally it sometimes feels like my needs are less important. I don't want this feeling to turn into resentment because I love her.

I want to make it clear that I don't blame her. I want her to feel safe and comfortable, and I would never want her to do something she isn't ready for. But I also have feelings, and recently I noticed myself becoming more distant and less talkative because I feel frustrated and I don't like that.

For people who have been in a similar situation: how do you balance being patient and supportive with your partner's fears while also dealing with your own emotional needs? Did this kind of fear get better with time, or did you eventually have to accept that you and your partner wanted different things?

I would really appreciate honest advice from people who have experienced something similar.

Comments

kmsnova

Is she in therapy? It sounds like she would benefit

>OOP: She told me that she wants to try it but nothing happened at the end.

kmsnova

There's only so long you can wait. 3 years is a long time. It seems like she has quite bad hang ups or maybe even trauma around this. If I were you I'd maybe have a conversation and make it clear that you really want to support her but you need to see some type of effort on her end (like therapy), because I doubt this is the type of thing that will go away on its own given how long it's been.

>OOP: I think you're right that after this long, it probably won't just disappear on its own.

Positronomy

If it’s been three years there’s not much else you can do other than keep waiting or breakup. If going another 3/4 years without sex is a problem, you should probably break up.

>OOP: Yea my friends also told me the same thing I just dont know about a breakup. Its my first relationship and im clueless honestly

MITEVOLI

Some people have different sexual appetites. It also sounds like for whatever reason, she has a complicated relationship with sex. Any history of abuse or molestation?

You have done a good job communicating your feelings. She has said hers. I think you meed to decide if this is a deal breaker? It’s okay if it is. She may have sex and never like it, she may have sex and love it. Until she is comfortable with taking the next step the imbalance in the relationship is not fair to either of you.

There is nothing wrong with sex There is nothing wrong with not having sex The two simply do not match

>OOP: I actually didn't mention this in the post, but her ex did try to touch her in ways she wasn't comfortable with, and he would get upset and stop talking to her when she said no. I have always tried to do the opposite and make sure she feels safe and respected, but I do wonder if that experience is part of why she is afraid now.

Update - 9 days later

Update: Long story short, we planned to go to a hotel for a few days, and I booked everything yesterday. She said she couldn't come because her grandma was feeling bad. I told her that it was okay, but I was really sad since I couldn't cancel or change the booking, so we argued a bit. She said she was going to the toilet, and around 3 AM, she told me that it wasn't going to work and broke up with me out of nowhere.

When I woke up, she had already changed her profile everywhere and blocked me on every platform, even my number, without explaining what the actual fuck I did wrong. I have absolutely no clue what the fuck to do. I'm lost and devastated.

Comments

Trojanw0w

Man, I'm sorry. Getting blocked on every platform at 3 AM after three years is a brutal way to find out it's over.

For what it's worth — this almost certainly wasn't about the hotel, and it wasn't about whatever you think you did wrong that night. Nobody nukes every line of contact over an argument about a booking. People do that when they've been carrying something heavy for a long time and finally hit a wall, and the blocking is there so they don't have to explain themselves. Whatever was going on for her around intimacy, it was hers, and she clearly couldn't put words to it with you. That's why "soon" kept coming and nothing ever changed.

That doesn't make it hurt less. You were patient, you never pushed, and you still got left with no answers. You're allowed to be angry about that and not just sad.

Practical part: don't chase her. No new accounts, no messages through friends. If she ever wants to explain, she knows how to reach you. Right now your job is to eat, sleep, see people who like you, and let yourself grieve — three years is real and this is a real loss. And this says nothing about you as a partner or as a man. Nothing. Goodluck fam. Be kind to yourself.

>OOP: Thank you for the really kind comment, I appreciate it a lot. Honestly, I'm not even angry at her. I'm just really sad and completely lost. I just don't understand why she had to completely nuke everything and block me everywhere without even explaining what happened or what I did wrong. That's the part that's hurting me the most. After three years together, waking up and suddenly having no way to contact her or even understand why this happened is just devastating. I really wish I could at least understand what was going through her head.

Ok_Caterpillar_8238

It's because she knew she didn't want to, but she refused to tell you that straight up. When it became inescapable she did the only thing she thought she could do.

grimmwerks

You stated before that you feel your feelings are less important than hers. She just proved that. Remember that when she wants to explain.

candlep0p

Maybe it's a blessing being broken up instead. Even if you get back together, are u ok with the possibilty of having 0 intimacy, for longer than you want it to be? Or at least, until being commited as in married?

>OOP: Yes, honestly, I would have been willing to wait until marriage. I loved her enough that I could have waited. But this never came up.

I am not the OOP. Please do not harass the OOP.

Please remember the No Brigading Rule and to be civil in the comments

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Empty_Pea3798

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: March 17, 2021

• Update: April 01, 2021

• Final Update: April 04, 2021

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Main Post

^(March 17, 2021)

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AITA for telling my mom that my brother has to move out if he doesn't bring "his" dog back?

About 2 years ago my brother (31M) begged my mom (49F) to let him keep a dog in the house. She refused because she knows how irresponsible he is. I (24F) also didn't want a dog because I knew I would end up taking care of it. He ended up going behind her back and buying a dog anyway. My mom and I were really irritated at first but eventually, we both fell in love with the dog.

My brother paid attention to the dog for about a month and then got over her. So, of course, like I knew it would happen, I ended up having to take care of her. Honestly, I started considering her mine since I was the one doing everything for her, and my brother rarely ever paid any attention to her. I got extremely attached to her, she would even sleep in my bed with me. I have severe depression and anxiety and she made my day so much better whenever I was having an episode. She was the best part of my day.

Last Friday I got home and she was nowhere to be found. I called my mom in a panic to ask her where the dog was and she ended up telling me that my brother had taken her to the vet. I found this extremely odd as he had never bothered to take her anywhere before. He claimed to have taken her to get neutered but whenever I asked for more information he would just get extremely defensive and say that the vets hadn't told him anything.

It has been a week now since the last time I saw her and he is still claiming that the vet hasn't called to let him know any information about how the dog is doing. We ended up getting into an argument about it because I asked him what vet he took her to so I could call them for info but he just gets extremely angry and starts yelling at me to "let the vets do their job". He told me that it was his dog in the first place and that he could do whatever wanted with her. I don't want to think the worst but I'm almost sure that he sold her because he needed money for his drug habit.

Something to note is that currently, I am the one paying all of the rent, bills, etc. My mom lost her job last year and has not been able to find a new one so I have been the one paying for everything. I pay for absolutely everything in this apartment. My brother is a lazy mooch who sleeps on the living room couch and hasn't been able to hold a job down for years. I was super upset about this whole situation and I told my mom that if he does not bring the dog back from wherever he took her that I am going to kick him out of the apartment. She got angry and told me that I didn't have the right to do that. I told her that I did have the right to do that since my name is on the lease and I'm the one paying for everything. My brother overheard the conversation and is now angry that I would kick him out and possibly make him homeless over a dog. My mom called me a heartless asshole for choosing a dog over my own brother.

AITA for saying my brother has to leave if he doesn't bring the dog back?

Edit: My brother is now claiming that they sent her to a hospital 2 hours away from us because she needed knee surgery ??? And that his friend who originally sold him the dog is going to be taking care of her during recovery ? And that we'll get her back once she is healed. Honestly don't know what to believe at this point. I'm hopeful that he is telling the truth but idk why he is being so defensive about it..

Edit #2: so I took the advice that some of you gave and started calling local vet clincs/shelters and so far none have seen my dog. I also printed out posters and not only posted them in my area but I also drove out to the city he claims she is receiving knee surgery at and put some flyers around there. It is 2 AM here right now so later today I will start calling vet clinics/shelters in this area as well. As for my brother he ended up getting pissed about the flyers and we got into an argument again over the fact we won't give me the info about what clinic my dog is supposedly at. I told him if my dog is not back by Friday he is not staying with me anymore. He got really upset and left the apartment and he has not come back. Kind of hoping he stays gone but also just really want my dog back :(.

Edit #3 : I have no idea how to do an update on here, but there's really not much to tell. My brother left about a week ago and he hasn't come back. I was never able to locate my dog, but according to my mom (who is still in contact with my brother) he keeps telling her that ill get my dog back when she recovers. I dont know if he's actually being truthful or if he's just crazy..its probably the latter..

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COMMENTS

What made you suspicious that your brother's story about the vet wasn't true?

> Thats what I thought :( I knew he was lying as soon as he said she was going to have to stay for two weeks..

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Did your brother give any indication that he might claim the dog died?

> I'm also pretty sure thats what he's gonna do. He already hinted yesterday that of things get too complicated they might have to put her down ..

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Did you have any reason to think your dog might have been injured before your brother took her to the supposed vet?

> I've been thinking that the day he took her it was just for a walk but he never wants to put her leash on her so maybe she got hit by a car and he's making this whole thing up because he doesn't want to tell me..

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What did your brother say when you offered to pay to get your dog back?

> I asked him earlier how he was planning to pay for all of this and he said that he wasn't worried about the cost that he just cared about her wellbeing ? Of course if he's telling the truth I'm probably the one that's gonna have to pay for the vet bills which I dont really care as long as I get her back.

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What did your brother tell you about where the dog was being treated?

> I asked for it the Friday that he took her and he did tell me it was an animal hospital that is like 8 minutes away from our house but now apparently she's in a hospital in another city and he won't say what its called..

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Did your brother even have the means to take your dog to another hospital?

> No he does not have money at all or even a car so idk how he is claiming that she was moved to another hospital especially since he has been home all week since she disappeared. He hasn't left the house at all.

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What happened when you contacted the animal hospital your brother originally named?

> Honestly I was hesitant to call at first because I wasn't sure they would be able to give me any information if the dog wasn't under my name. And if my brother found out I was going behind his back he would get pissed and I wanted to avoid that. But I ended up calling earlier and they pretty much confirmed that they did not treat my dog.

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Had you already offered to pay your brother whatever he wanted if he would return the dog?

> Thats another issue! As soon as my mom told me he had taken her to the vet I knew it was fishy and didn't believe anything that he told me. I got upset and told him to bring the dog back and I would buy her from him for whatever amount of money he wanted. He got mad and yelled at me that he wasn't selling her, that he can do what he wants, and that I have to stop acting like she's mine cause she's not.

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What did your brother do after you started putting up flyers?

> As of now I dont think there is anything I can tell him to convince him of anything. He left very angry yesterday after I started putting the flyers up and he has not come back to the apartment...

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What did you learn about your brother's behavior around the time the dog disappeared?

> He is a junkie thats why my mom told me she thinks he might have sold her for drug money. Apparently he was looking everywhere for change on Friday. Like crawling on the ground outside and digging through trash and everything trying to find change so he could go to the smoke shop near our house. But he couldn't find anything and my mom refused to give him change. He got mad and left with the dog some hours later.

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What did you do to try to locate your dog?

> I asked him earlier how he was planning to pay for all of this and he said that he wasn't worried about the cost that he just cared about her wellbeing ? Of course if he's telling the truth I'm probably the one that's gonna have to pay for the vet bills which I dont really care as long as I get her back.

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Were you ever able to find your dog?

> Not really any updates.. my brother hasn't tried to come back since he left. I have no clue where he's staying but my mom has been texting him and he keeps saying that I'll get the dog back when she recovers from surgery. I have been taken the advice I got here and have been looking for her myself but so far no luck.

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CONSENSUS: Not the A-hole

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Update - after 15 days

^(April 01, 2021)

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UPDATE: AITA for telling my mom that my brother has to move out if he doesn't bring 'his' dog back?

I know a lot of you asked for an update on this but I put it off for so long because a silly part of me was hoping that after 2 weeks passed I would get my dog back.

Well as many of you can probably guess it has been 2 weeks since my dog disappeared and i haven't gotten her back... I did what a lot of you suggested to try and find her. I called animal shelters, clinics, and hospitals around my area but I had no luck with them. I also posted flyers around my city and the city an hour away from where my brother claimed she was getting knee surgery. I haven't heard back about that either.

After my brother found out I posted the flyers he got extremely upset and we got into a pretty heated argument. He left the apartment, and as of now is no longer living here and he hasn't tried to come back, as far as I know. My mom was upset at first but I guess she decided not to argue with the person she's depending on for money lol.. my brother never ended up telling me the truth about what happened. My mom is keeping in contact with him through the phone and she did tell me that he is still keeping up with the lie. Apparently, they were talking yesterday and he told her again that I would get my dog back after she recovers.. at this point, I don't know why he is still bothering with the lie.

I honestly wasn't going to make an update because there wasn't much left to say but then today I got home and found out my mom threw away all of my dog's toys, her food bowls, her bed, and the bag of dog food she never finished. So I guess that's that. I really wish I had a happier update to give you guys. Thank you for all of the nice messages and the insight that you offered on the situation, I really appreciate it.

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COMMENTS

What kind of dog was she?

> Shes a tiny deer head chihuahua and I've never heard of dog fighting being a problem where I am but I honestly don't know.

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What happened with your brother after he left the apartment? What did you do after your brother left?

> As far as I know my brother is homeless now and after a talk with my mother and a lot of arguing she finally has a full time job again so she is gonna start paying her half of everything. > > Yeah I threw all of his stuff out after he left and I assume he came and picked it up cause ot was gone by the next morning. Definitely changed my locks and let my mom know if she lets him in for whatever reason she can be next.

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Had you already tried offering your brother money to get the dog back?

> Oh I already tried that, the day that he took her i told him id give him any amount of money he wanted to just give her back to me but he just yelled and told me that he could do what he wanted with her..

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Why hadn't your mother gotten a job sooner?

> Technically my mom hasn't been able to work because she is currently suing her old company for wrongful termination. She was injured on the job in 2019 and they fired her because she was never able to fully recover from her injury. The case still hasn't been closed and according to her, her lawyer keeps telling her that she can't be seen working because it could throw the whole case?? Idk of thats true I dont know anything about that. But that was her excuse for not getting a job sooner. She only got one now because I guess the lawyer called and told her the case is about to close and she can start working again. 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Are you worried your brother might still be coming into the house when you're away?

> And about my brother being over when I'm not here.. you guys are probably right. I haven't seen any evidence of that but I'm going to take the advice some people gave and install cameras inside and outside the house to see what goes on when I'm not home. Anyway I plan on moving out in a couple of months so I guess I just have to put up with it until I can afford to leave.

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Do you think your mother knew more about what happened to your dog? What did your mother say when you asked why she threw away all of your dog's things?

> Yeah im starting to think that the people who said my mom was in on it had a point. I have shared this on social media so everyone close to us knows that he did this but I cant tag him because he blocked me lol. > > Oh I did ask her and she told me she threw everything away because it was in the way and we didn't need it anymore.

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Do you know whether your mother actually threw the dog's things away? What did your mother say when you questioned why she threw everything away if your dog was supposedly coming back?

> Honestly I have no clue i was at work all day and when I came back all of her stuff was gone so I asked my mom where she moved everything and she told me she threw it away since we wouldn't need it anymore > > I brought that up and she told me that she didn't understand why I would believe what my brother was saying idk..

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What do you think most likely happened to your dog?

> Honestly I think this is the most likely scenario. He took her out that day without a leash and I think she may have gotten hit by a car and they just made this whole thing up to not tell me the truth. Which is even more fucked up.

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Why do you think your mother continues to defend your brother?

> Yeah idk what her relationship with him is about. I swear she would let him get away with murder. I think its partly because she's scared of him and doesn't know how he'll react if things don't go the way he wants them to. She's told me before that I'm never going to understand until I have children and I know what it feels like to love someone unconditionally. I think they both need therapy lol.

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What did you see when you were driving home from work?

> Pretty sure he's on the street i was driving back home from work on Monday and I saw him sitting outside a liquor store near our house. I'm assuming he was there begging for money but my mom hasn't mentioned anything about that.

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Are you planning to move out?

> Wouldn't put it past her to try and guilt me into letting him back in. I've already started looking for apartments anyway and hopefully I'll be able to move on my own in a couple of months after my lease is up. They can do what they want after that..

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Why haven't you called the police about your missing dog?

> Thats very true. Honestly, I've been hesitant to call the police because I have had bad experiences with them and I dont really like dealing with them. I think if my brother continues with his lies im gonna call and not only report him but also his 'friend' who is supposedly taking care of the dog until she recovers. Maybe that will scare him enough to tell me the truth.

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What is your concern about your dog's disappearance at this point?

> Lower your voice ma'am lol. Idk where you have been but my dog literally disappeared weeks ago if I havent got her back by now I doubt I ever will. I've tried everything and looked everywhere to get her back and I haven't been successful I doubt there is anything I can do about it now. At this point the only thing police would be able to do is arrest my brother for his drug habit which I guess would make me feel better but it won't get my dog back

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Was there ever any hostility toward your dog from your mother or brother?

> No there was no hate towards her from my mom or my brother. My brother wouldn't be around most of the time he'd be out with his friends so he would almost never see her. And I'm confused about my mom and the dog cause she didn't want her at first but then she also became really attached to her. My mom is actually the one who would give her attention and take care of her when I was at work. And I know my dog liked her cause she would always follow her around and get excited when my mom would come back after being gone for a while.

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Are you planning to get another dog?

> No not at the moment I dont think any animal would be safe while I'm still with my mom. Maybe after I have my own place ill think about it.

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What did your brother say when he came back to collect more of his things?

> No update really. My brother came to the house a couple of hours ago to pick up some more stuff of his that I threw out in the front yard. We got into an argument again about it and he basically told me to stop over reacting and that he already told me id get my dog back when she recovers..

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Final update - after 21 days (after 6 days from last post)

^(April 07, 2021)

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Final Update: in comments

I found out the truth!!!! Apparently my brother had already been planning to move in with his friend about 2 months ago. He wanted to take the dog with him when he left but he knew I would get mad and wouldn't let him so he waited until a day I was at work to take the dog to his new place.

My dog has been at his new place with my brothers friend this whole time "so she could get used to the new environment" I just found all this out this morning. Now that I know he definitely still has the dog I am going to be filing a report with the police because I'm getting my dog back no matter what! according to my mom she didn't know about any of this either until my brother told her yesterday . Idk if I should believe her.

I want to update everyone on the situation but I'm not allowed another update and I'm not sure people will see if I edit hope people read this comment but idk

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COMMENTS

Throwawayunknown55 > Ok, hang on a sec. Have you actually seen the dog? The bullshit just keeps getting really deep. I wouldn't get you hopes too high untill you actually see the dog. I really hope she's ok. Also, there may be some dispute about the dogs ownership if you're brother wants to be an asshole about this, so this could be a mess. > > Also, don't believe your mom. She knew something was going on and she went along. It sounds like she will side with your brother over you, so be careful.
> > I really hope you get the dog back. It might be easiest to offer your brother a straight cash bribe, like 300 bucks to get the dog back or something. > > OOP >> Yes! Sorry I didn't add that I was typing in a rush I have seen the dog with my own eyes and he definitely has her. I have already offered money and he refused I can try offering more but I dont know why he's being so stubborn about giving her back since he never cared for her before. I feel like because him and his friend are involved with drugs, threatening him with the police will work. But ill have to wait and see and honestly my mom can side with whoever she wants, they're both broke so I doubt they want to deal with a legal case 🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️ >> >> Fethington >>> He is 100% not wanting to give you the dog back because you were calling him out and then threatening to kick him out. Doesn't matter to him that he was leaving anyways, you dared to upset him so he's going to be stubborn on giving her up no matter what you offer him. Threaten him with legal action. I also refuse to believe your mom had no idea what was going on. It sounds like he might be the golden child? >>> >>> OOP >>>> Yeah I am going to take legal action! Pretty sure my mom did know and she probably ended up giving all of the dogs items to my brother while I was at work. I mean as far as I know no one in the family can stand my brother. Hes been kicked out of every single house and isn't invited to any family get togethers. My mom is the only one that always defends him even tho he's been accused of some fucked up shit by his own family idk why she forgives him everything.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/RolandRoad

Published on: r/AmItheAsshole

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: December 04, 2019

• Final Update: April 14, 2020

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Main Post

^(December 04, 2019)

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WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

So last month my ex, who I’ve been dating for nearly a year, broke up with me. It was a complete blindside – I thought everything was great and we were talking about getting an apartment together next year. Then we went to a party where she saw her most recent ex. A few days later she told me that he talked to her that night and said he realized how bad he fucked up when he saw her with another guy (me). He’s now ready to give up his vices for her, and she’s sorry but she still loves him enough to want to give their relationship another try.

I was shocked and hurt as hell but what can I do, I can’t force her to stay. I was miserable for weeks but now I just want to settle things and move on, and one of the things that need to be settled is the four thousand dollars that she owes me.

We never talked about how or when she would pay me. Back then all I thought of was that she was my girlfriend, she needed money for a valid reason, and I had money to spare. I wanted to take care of her problem because I wanted to take care of her. I told her to pay me when she had money, and she has been paying me a couple hundred dollars every now and then. I was fine with that because she was my girlfriend but it’s not something that I would do for everyone.

Now that we’re no longer together, I’ve been thinking about asking her to pay me the four grand by the end of the year. I know it sounds petty but honestly now that she’s no longer with me and given the circumstances of our breakup I don’t feel as inclined to be lenient to her with my money as I did before. I also want a clean break so I can totally move on from all of this. I don’t like the idea that I’ll still have some sort of communication or connection to her for the next few years if it takes that long for her to pay me.

I’m willing to listen and ready for your judgment.

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COMMENTS

Dilduo > NTA > > But dude say goodbye to that money > > OOP >> I hate myself for this but I know her and she's a good person who will pay back that debt.

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wjmacguffin > NTA as long as you clearly stated it was a loan she's have to pay back. Assuming you did, then politely remind her of that and offer a payment plan. That might sound kinda cold, but she borrowed the money and she broke up with you. > > Mind you, I doubt you'll get anything, but there's absolutely nothing wrong with politely asking. > > UglyDuffelBag >> What kind of payment plan? Year ends in less than a month. >> >> wjmacguffin >>> AFAIK, there is no set reason for one year beyond not wanting to talk to the ex. That's reasonable, but if she's only been able to afford a couple hundred every so often, she probably cannot afford all that in one month. >>> >>> Also, demanding thousands is more likely to meet resistance or refusal. That sucks, but I'm hoping OP will be able to get something from the ex. >>> >>> OOP >>>> I know she's not gonna stiff on paying me. She is and has always been a good person. My sister even told me that she messaged her asking if I was doing ok after the breakup. Sometimes I don't know how or why we got to this situation but it is what it is and the only thing I can do is move on and that's what I'm doing.

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[deleted] > INFO It depends on how you plan to ask. If you reach out in a calm and professional manner, like “hey, I want to set up a repayment plan for the remaining xxx dollars borrowed. Can we talk about how to do this on a consistent basis?” > > I think you know she can’t pay that whole amount back by the end of the month. That’s an unreasonable ask that is petty and not about getting your money back. It’s about getting back at her. > > To actually accomplish getting your money back, you will have to divorce your hurt feelings from the breakup from the money and not be too personal nor too curt. Otherwise it will become retaliation and legally, you don’t have a lot of options for recouping your loss. Your best bet is to be both kind and professional when asking for a plan for repayment. Make sure you have calculated exactly what she still owes. > > As for continued contact, you can still do this impersonally through Venmo or whatever. There are apps that will allow you to send and receive money on a recurring basis without any real interaction. > > OOP >> Thanks for the advice, I appreciate all of it. I was always going to approach her in a calm but firm manner, because I don't plan to waste any of my time or effort on hating her or getting back at her. I just want to be done with this and move on. >> >> I know she can send me money online or through an app but I'd still get a notification and I'd still remember all of this. That's the main reason why I want her to pay me by month end and not draw it out for years.

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dunemi > NTA. > > Text her something like this, "Hey Sally, I was wondering if we could set up a repayment schedule for the $4000 you owe me? Can you do $100 per week? Please let me know." And then, hopefully, god willing, she texts back that she'll try to set something up with you. It really doesn't matter how much, because all you're really trying to do is get her to admit, in writing, that she owes you that money. Because if she doesn't, I think you're screwed. (Save those texts!) > > If you already have something in writing, about how it was a loan, and not a gift, then, yeah, go ahead and ask for it back, but be prepared to take her to court. > > Good luck. > > UglyDuffelBag >> Dude he wants 4k until the end of 2019. >> >> dunemi >>> I know. But I thought it was more important to get her to admit she actually owed the money. And you don't get people to admit that if you come in blazing with, give me $4k in one month! >>> >>> But yeah, he's delusional if he thinks he can get his money back so quickly. >>> >>> OOP (downvoted) >>>> I'm not worried about her denying that she owes me something. I know she's going to honor that debt. I just want to get the money back so we can get a clean break without anything tying us to each other so I can completely move on from all of this.

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CONSENSUS: Not enough info

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Final Update - after 4 months, 10 days

^(April 14, 2020)

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Update: WIBTA if I asked my ex to pay me back the money she owes me now that we’ve broken up?

Hey Reddit, it’s been a while. Here is an update to my post from a few months ago.

The general consensus was that I wouldn’t be an asshole to ask my ex to pay me back as long as I asked nicely, but I was an idiot for lending her money and expecting that she would pay me back four grand at three weeks notice. So I went ahead and called her and nicely asked if she could pay me back at the end of December because I just want a clean break so we can all move on. She said she understood and she’ll see what she can do. I later learned that she sold her car to her boyfriend, who let her continue using the car. In short, I got paid and she kept the car she sold to pay me. Great ending for everyone.

But then a few weeks later she called me saying she wanted to talk. She and her boyfriend went to my apartment and told me the craziest thing: she’s pregnant.

And with that, I have accepted the fact that I will never get the clean break I wanted.

It’s been three months since then. We did the paternity test and confirmed that I’m the father. She and her boyfriend are still together, and he is in counseling as a sign of his commitment to her. The main reason she left him before was that he had an alcohol problem that he couldn't control, so I was concerned that she was staying with him while pregnant. He assured me that he’s turned over a new leaf for her and he will stay with her through this. She says that things are great between them and he is completely sober now. We all try to get along as best as we can for the baby.

When I made that post, I never imagined that this would be the update I would be writing. I never even thought that this would be how I have my first kid. But what’s done is done and at least we’re on the same page about prioritizing the baby.

Thanks for all the replies to my original post and wish me luck.

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COMMENTS

How did you feel when you found out your ex was pregnant?

> It was. I was happy I got my money back and even planned to book a vacation. And then they told me about it, and I didn't know if I felt like pooping or throwing up. I called my brother after they left because I felt lightheaded and was afraid I'd pass out.

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How is your ex's boyfriend handling the situation, especially given his past alcohol problem?

> To be fair, he seems totally dedicated to her and has been nothing but nice to me so far. Even offered to help with the baby's bills if we need anything. He said that losing her made him realize a lot of things and he's never gonna let that happen again.

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Have you and your ex made arrangements for child support and custody?

> Thanks. We will. We've talked about it with our lawyers. When I lent her money before, I didn't have anything in place, and that could've gone bad. I've learned from that.

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How was the paternity test handled?

> I chose the testing company and the hospital where we went for the swabs. The results were released with all three of us there.

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Were you hoping the baby wasn't yours?

> Yeah because honestly up to the last minute I was hoping that it wasn't mine. I knew it was unlikely because she was with me at the time the baby was conceived and I don't know what they would get out of saying that I'm the dad if I wasn't - her boyfriend has way more money than I do. I just didn't want to be a dad yet. > > Life had other ideas though.

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Did you and your ex discuss abortion, and why did you decide to be involved?

> She wanted to keep the baby. She said I don't have to be involved if I don't want to, but I didn't think I could do that, knowing that it's my child.

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How did you process everything after finding out you were going to be a father?

> Thanks man. It took a lot to get to this place - I was angry at her and then I was in shock and then I was in panic because there are so many things to prepare for the baby. For a while I also thought about how it would've been if we didn't break up. With time I've accepted things for what they are and I know the right person for me is out there and I will find her when it's the right time.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/throwaway09836478

Published on: r/TrueOffMyChest

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: February 13, 2024

• Update 1: February 17, 2024

• Update 2: February 23, 2024

• Final Update: November 09, 2024

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Main Post

^(February 13, 2024)

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I feel like I’m losing my wife

I’m in my mid 30s and have a young child with my wife. Ever since he was born she has been distant and short with me and it’s gotten worse over the last 3 or so months. She has made friends without kids and started going out more and when I ask to be included she always has an excuse to not bring me along. Not hard when one of us has to be with our child.

When I brought up how I feel she told me that she feels like she’s lost her identity through the process of being pregnant and then breast feeding and being a mom and she feels like she just wants to get out and be around people who don’t have kids and live her own life for a bit. As a part of this she’ll go out until 2 am and take weekend trips without me.

It feels like she’s withdrawing from me and I know she’s not always being honest with me. I don’t go through her phone but I’ve noticed that she doesn’t leave it out ever, even taking it with her to the shower which is something that she never used to do. I don’t think she’s being unfaithful but the thought has certainly crossed my mind. I asked her directly about this and she got very upset and told me that this isn’t about that.

I told her that I want to be a part of what she’s going through and she told me that I don’t have the passion for the things that she wants to do and she just needs me to find my own passions and my own friends. I genuinely enjoy her main hobby but when I try to tell her that or be included in it she insists that I don’t enjoy it like she does and she just wants to be around people who love it like her.

I feel like I’m losing my best friend of 15 years. My toddler is the lone light in my life. I don’t know what to do and have been so sad.

&nbsp;

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Update 1 - after 4 days

^(February 17, 2024)

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My wife is cheating on me

Things have been off with my wife. We have been together for 15 years and married for 5 We have a 14 month old and things have been rough since he was born with them getting a lot worse in the last few months. She’s gotten face injections and has gone through weight loss that would point to drug use. She’s been protective of her phone and generally dodgy.

I confronted her and was completely gas lit. To the point that I set an appointment with a therapist because I thought I was being paranoid and insecure and had to figure out why I felt the way I did.

She went to the mountains yesterday saying that she needed a weekend to herself and she wanted to go snowboarding and get a full nights rest away from the fussing baby and it didn’t feel right. She went back on birth control without discussing it with me, she went and got face injections, she went and got waxed and asked me to put the board rack on her roof, despite claiming she was the only one going. There were too many red flags for me to not hire a PI.

The PI immediately secured photographs and video of the affair. Turns out she’s fucking her boss. They are up there until Sunday. Probably still fucking right now.

I feel like a fool. We’ve all hung out multiple times. I’m so mad that she could blow up not just our lives, but the life of our 1 year old. I’m stuck having to deal with her because of our shared son for essentially the rest of my life.

I contacted a lawyer to file for divorce and plan to confront her when she gets back but the divorce isn’t likely to process for over a year. This is going to suck for a long time.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

ImNotTheBadGuyHere > Why not go confront them just curious > > OOP >> I don’t need an assault charge keeping me from being able to get custody of my son and there is no way I keep it together while confronting them.

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Tpdz > Does the boss have a wife? She deserves to know.. > > OOP >> Recently divorced.

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ab2dii > are PI that easy and common? most stories i read here have a PI > > OOP >> The PI told me exactly how it would go and I thought he was full of shit but he 100% nailed what would happen. >> >> We like to think we are special and different. I know I did. Turns out we’re all the same.

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Update 2 - after 10 days (after 6 days from last post)

^(February 23, 2024)

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I confronted my wife about her affair

I found out that my wife was having an affair with her boss. For context, we have been together for -15 years, married for 5, and have a 15 month old son. I found out while she was going on a 'girls trip' that she actually went and picked up her boss and spent the weekend in an air bnb.

I had been suspecting infidelity for a while and even confronted her about it, but was completely gas lit. I thought there was a problem with me. I made and went to appointments with a therapist to figure out why I had so much trouble trusting my partner and couldn't get the feeling that there was something wrong to go away.

When she left for her trip I made the decision to hire a PI and thought that the apology for the betrayal of not trusting her while getting validation that I was just being paranoid would be easier to deal with than not knowing. After not even 45 minutes on the clock the PI had photos and video of her picking him up, them very casually kissing, and finally ending the night going in to the air bnb.

I got this confirmation on a Friday and she didn't come home until Sunday morning. The whole time she was gone she texted and called and went on like nothing was up. I had a small breakdown after finding out and the first person I called was my therapist. Having an established therapist is one of the silver linings of the gas lighting. The second phone call I made was to my sister who lives in the same state but a while away.

She came up and was there for me and helped me to stabilize. My next thoughts were how to move forward and set myself up to be out of the house but still be in a position to have my son for at least 50% of the time. I'm going to outline my actions quickly in case (god forbid) anyone else finds themselves in a similar situation.

1. Contacted my hunting buddy and asked him to take my rifles and bow. I didn't want any claims of unsafe space from my wife citing the rifles being in the house (even though I keep them in a safe).

2. Bought and installed a nanny cam for the confrontation. I didn't want any claims of DV or abuse to come down to he said/she said. I live in a 1 party consent state so this was a no brainer.

3. I found a furnished month to month rental. Needed to accommodate working from home and have 2 bedrooms and be in a good enough area that there could be objections.

4. Found a short term Air BNB to bridge the gap between then and when my month to month lease would start. Had to check the same boxes as the month to month rental.

5. Talked to a therapist. As crazy as it sounds, figuring out what you want in this situation feels impossible. Are you willing to allow your spouse to steal your ability to live with your son for 50% of his life between 1 and 18+? That's 9 years. Not seeing the decision to leave as your decision is so much harder than you'd believe and it fucking sucks.

6. Practice practice practice. I laid out the conversation to be 3 to 5 minutes to avoid escalation. I laid it out as: I know about the affair, I'm not ready to talk, I'm moving out while I figure out a path forward. We need to have a conversation about how we are going to handle custody of our son in the short term while we figure out a path forward. Play it through in your mind or out loud and do that through a number of expected responses. Expect them to be angry, sad, mad, denial, try to work it around to be your fault...

7. Don't try to win, but you cannot lose. This is way more important if there is a kid or kids that you plan on fighting for. Don't get petty. Don't set their shit on fire. Don't go out of your way to piss them off. You are going to have to have a relationship with this person for the rest of your life through your relationship with your son. Shit is already going to be really hard. Don't make it harder and don't give them any ammunition to bring up or use against you.

Unfortunately for me I didn't expect the 'no response' response. My wife sat there and said nothing. Not I'm sorry. Not it was a mistake. No copping to it. Just blank slate.

In the days since I have continued to see my therapist and identified the gas lighting and emotional abuse that had been taking place in the months leading up to discovering the affair. This is apparently very common in instances of infidelity as it gives the cheater 'justification' to their actions. Helps them sleep at night. Even now I feel my wife trying to manipulate me into taking her back and 'work it out for the sake of our son.'

I don't trust her and what's worse is I don't trust myself to talk to her about what happened. I'm afraid of getting gas lit again and feel like the whole thing was my fault. I set time on Monday with a marriage counselor to finally have the conversation on what's happened and how we can try to move forward as co-parents for our son. She has already tried to claim that this was the first time and a mistake. I don't believe her but also don't have proof that she is lying. Not sure how I'm going to handle that on Monday.

I can't imagine a path forward that involves staying married with her. I also can't imagine forfeiting being there for half of my baby's life without being able to look them in the eye when the time comes and tell them that I tried everything that I could to be there for them.

This fucking sucks. This is going to suck for a while. Don't cheat.

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COMMENTS

tsscaramel > The fact she’s not even sorry says a whole lot, I would recommend proceeding with the divorce and moving on. If you play your cards right you might be able to get more than 50% custody as well since I think your kid would be better off with you > > OOP >> No fault state. I'm expecting 50%.

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Independent_Farm_628 > OP > > You say that your wife had no response first and then you so say that she claimed it was “the first time” etc. > > So she did admit she was cheating with the boss? > > Also, even in a no-fault state, both your wife and her AP boss could lose their jobs if full details are exposed. Is she not worried about that? > > OOP >> I confronted her on Sunday. She didn’t respond. It was only a day ago that she changed to wanting to work it out and claiming it wasn’t an ongoing affair. So 4 days later. I guess I could have been more clear on the timeline with that. To be honest, she’s been a pendulum of not caring and just wanting a divorce and begging for forgiveness and trying to work it out.

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Final Update - after 8 months, 27 days (after 8 months, 17 days from last post)

^(November 09, 2024)

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Caught my wife cheating [Final Update]

A while back I wrote about catching my wife in an affair with her boss. Let’s call him ‘Benny’ and her ‘Chrissy’. I’ve had a crazy amount of DMs asking me if I was alright and asking for updates so I’m going to drop this last post before deleting the account. If you want the background you can check my post history, I’m not going to rehash it all again. Also understand that this is not a complete history. It’s been a long 8 months.

Very shortly after I moved out, I had a friend tell me that Chrissy went out to dinner with his wife and the wife of another friend of mine, who were her friends. He said that she got drunk, told them what happened and then when they weren’t sympathetic invited Benny out with them.

Said that it was a whole scene and she was all over him. She later admitted that she went and spent that night at his house but swore up and down that they didn’t sleep together and spent the night on his couch. Swore that she just felt alone and like none of her friends cared about her and didn’t want to be alone at the air bnb (at the time we were switching off staying at the marital home when it was our days with our son and the other would fuck off to an Airbnb).

We went to see a therapist at that time. Therapy went the way of straight trickle truthing. She would wait to see what I knew, cop to only that, and swear there was nothing else. She swore that the time that I caught her, which she spent an entire weekend with him in an air bnb, was the first and only time.

She cried and begged for me to believe her and give her another chance and take her back. She said that he was old and she didn’t find him attractive and called him short and said it was just a mistake. She said that it wasn’t about him but rather what she was going through and he was just a symptom. She said that she’d do anything. I said she had to tell me the truth and she refused to budge from her original story.

So after hitting a brick wall in couples therapy and her refusing to tell me the truth about what happened I said I couldn’t keep going. I signed a long term lease and tried focusing on myself with the understanding that we would try therapy again in a few months. We continued to split custody 50/50 and Chrissy made a legit effort to try to help me to settle in to my new place. We started going through mediation for a divorce.

Why start mediation if we were planning on trying therapy again? What we said out loud was because it takes forever and if therapy went the same way as the first time, we didn’t want to be stuck in limbo longer than we had to be.

A couple of months into mediation, the mediator asked us if we had seen a therapist that specializes in infidelity. We said that we had seen a couples therapist but not a specialist. She said that she had some referrals if we were interested. Chrissy said she was and that she’d be willing to go if I would agree to it. I agreed to it as well. With how far we got through mediation it felt like it was then or never.

Going in to seeing the specialist, I had given our marriage a 5% shot at surviving the year. ‘But Mr. Throwaway, how could you not be 100% done after knowing that she was still lying about the affair.’ The plain answer is I wanted to believe that she would show up and tell the whole truth and ask for forgiveness for what she had done and for not being able to come clean the first time.

If she had done that, I think I would have seen a path (albeit a long one) back to try to make our family whole. Also, the prospect of missing half of your son’s life when they are so young is difficult to face down and just say that’s 100% off the table.

So we have a joint introductory session with the specialist and then a week later an individual one. It was after that I was given information that Chrissy had still been seeing Benny. I didn’t believe it. I looked into it and checked with a few other sources and then was presented with indisputable evidence that she not only had continued to see him, but had brought him around our son multiple times. I haven’t mentioned it but we had an agreement that we would communicate to each other and get sign off if anyone outside of family was going to be introduced or hang out with him. She had broken this agreement.

I was crushed. I couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t understand it. Why agree to see the specialist if you’ve been seeing Benny? Why not just file and move forward? It felt like some sociopath shit.

I flat out asked her if she had been seeing Benny in an accusatory tone and she said that she had. I asked if she had brought him around our son and she straight lied and said that she saw him when she didn’t have our son and after our son had fallen asleep.

I asked why she would agree to see the specialist if she had been seeing Benny. Why not just go through with the divorce? She said that she didn’t want our son to grow up in a broken home. I lost it. I said some mean shit that I honestly can’t remember but was along the lines of her being just like her mother and hung up.

Then the fishing began. She texted and asked questions and tried denying without being specific about what she was denying with lines like ‘you jumped to an awful lot of conclusions there.’ She tried gaslighting me into thinking that it wasn’t a big deal. ‘I thought you’d be pumped to not have to go through any more therapy and make me be the one that called it quits. I honestly am appalled that you’ve taken the stance that you have.’

I started thinking on why I was so upset. I had said to myself that the odds of therapy working out and her coming clean about the whole thing were low. This was the likely outcome. I wondered why I would agree to go back despite being told that she spent the night with him AGAIN after the first time that I caught her.

I started taking long walks at night when I didn’t have my son to think on the whole thing. I reflected on all this for a while and came to the conclusion that I was upset that I felt like she chose him over me and that made me feel worthless. I ignored a lot of the shit in an attempt to not feel worthless. After a few more walks I came to the conclusion that that just wasn’t true. She begged me to take her back on her terms and I had refused her. She didn’t choose him, she was stuck with him.

Benny is sending his kid from his last marriage off to college. If he sticks around he’ll be collecting social security by the time Chrissy and my’s son is out of the house. He’s supposed to trust her, knowing how they met? And she’s supposed to trust him knowing that infidelity doesn’t bother him? Plus, imagine the anxiety that would wash over you when people ask how they met.

She took away any doubt that moving forward with the divorce is the right thing. I’m stuck coparenting with her but I get to do that from a place of having seen her and can go into with eyes wide open.

If this seems disjointed, it is. I wrote this over several sittings and did it for myself to help with introspection as much as anything but by the time I was done I figured there wasn’t any harm in changing the names and giving a last update.

To those that reached out with support, even though I didn’t respond please know it was appreciated. For those that only reached out to ask for updates out of what I assume to be morbid curiosity, I’d recommend some long walks and a bit of introspection.

And to Chrissy, if you see this, please know that you are just like your mother and you’re going to end up just like her.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Far-Championship202

Published on: r/AITAH & u/Far-Championship202

Previous BORU: BORU-1 by u/Glum_Craft_4652 on December 16, 2025

Thanks to u/kateluvsthe80s for new update

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 07, 2025

• Update 1: October 10, 2025

• Update 2: December 13, 2025

• Final Update: August 16, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

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Main Post

^(October 07, 2025)

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AITAH for letting my fiancee and his son move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

Throwaway Account.

I (42f) met my fiance (42m) a year after my late husband died in a motorcycle accident 6 years ago. We met through a work partnership and live in different states. We're about 12 hours apart if we drove. Sometimes we take short commuter flights to maximize our time together (we both live near airports).

Our relationship has been mostly long distance but we see each other at least once per month and text and talk constantly if we're not at work or doing things with friends. My fiance has been an amazing partner and I feel lucky I was able to find love again after tragedy.

My fiancee has a son (16m) from a previous relationship. He broke up with my stepson's mother when his son was 9. I think he's great. He's been supportive of our relationship and he's very close with his dad. The biggest issue has been his mom.

His mom is....how can I put this nicely? Bitter. She and my fiancee have been in and out of court for the last few years. My stepson doesn't get along with his mother. The few times I've met her have been unpleasant due to her hostility towards me. My fiance's mother says she was only after his money but it's not really my business.

A few years back she tried to harass me on social media telling me that I should step aside so my stepson's parents can be together. She also tried to tell me that he would never marry me just as he never married her. When we got engaged last year, she became enraged and tried to get full custody of my stepson. It backfired because my stepson didn't want to live with her and filed with his guardian ad litem to have her custody reduced which was granted.

Since then, he has opted to only visit her for a few hours one Saturday a month. If she brings up his dad, he leaves. He's required to answer her phone calls but if she tries to guilt or argue with him, he hangs up. I stay out of all of it as much as I can. It's between my fiance, my stepson, and his ex. I just try to show love and be supportive of my fiance and stepson.

The issue is my fiance got a long awaited transfer that will allow him to live with me. My fiance offered my stepson to live with his mom or my fiance's sister if he wanted to stay at the same school and stay with his friends. My stepson opted to move and live with us. He said he can FaceTime his friends and there's a really good STEM school that's willing to take him mid school year where I live. The plan for them is to move in the last two weeks of December.

My stepson's mom has tried to fight him moving in with us. She's accused my fiancee of alienating him against her. My fiancee has documented every interaction and every encouragement he's given to try and help his son mend things with his mother. The judge signed off on him moving out of state into my home.

This has set off another wave of harassment from his ex towards me. She's sent me messages from various accounts on social media telling me I've ruined her family and that if I really loved my stepson, I'd move closer to them so they can co-parent. I complained to my mom but she actually sided with my fiance's ex saying she has every right to be upset as her son is moving away.

My mom suggested that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother. I have never had any real desire to move as I was born and raised in this town and I love it. I also have no desire to give up my home.

So I have to ask if AITAH for not considering moving closer to them given the circumstances?

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COMMENTS

Why does your mother think you should move closer to your fiancé and his son?

> My mother means well. But she's a bit old fashioned, overly empathetic and very motherly.

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Why isn't your fiancé’s transfer just a matter of you moving to where he lives?

> It doesn't. My mother is one of those people obsessed with making everyone happy. I love her.

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Why does your stepson want to move with you rather than stay with his mother or aunt?

> What's sold my stepson is the STEM school not far from me. If he'd been unable to get in, he'd have stayed behind.

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How did your fiancé feel about moving his son during high school?

> Honestly the hope was the promotion and transfer would've occurred 2 years ago before my stepson started high school. My fiance almost didn't take it as he didn't want to disrupt his son halfway through high school.

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What does your stepson want to do after school?

> He's very gifted. He already knows four different programming languages at 16. He wants to work in the AI field. He's had tech companies tell him he doesn't need to go to college and can just start working. My fiance still wants him to go to school and be a kid.

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What are the plans for your stepson to maintain contact with his mother after the move?

> The plan is to send him to his aunt and his mom can visit her place. At this point he doesn't want to be alone with her and she behaves better for visits if his aunt is around.

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Does the court require your stepson to spend holidays or breaks with his mother?

> No. The judge ruled he's perfectly capable of setting own schedule. The plan is to send him to visit his Aunt during his breaks so he can spend time with his friends. But my fiancee has told him he will have to visit with her for a few hours like he's been doing on Saturday.

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What is your fiancé doing about his ex’s harassment of you?

> I sent the messages to my fiance. He's handling it since the entire case is out of his state and it's his ex.

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What do you do when your fiancé’s ex keeps creating new social media accounts to contact you?

> I do block her. She keeps making new accounts to bother me on Instagram.

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How are you documenting the harassment?

> My fiance is handling all of that. I've kept records at the advice of his attorney and sent anything she sends me to him. It's been so much wasted time this weekend.

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What is your mother like, and why does she tend to side with your fiancé’s ex?

> To answer your question about my mom. Yes she does like to sweep problems under the rug and is very much a "family first" person. She refused to believe my dad was dying until 3 days before he died. When I was going through it when my late husband died her solution was to "keep me busy" to quit thinking about it and did not agree with me going to therapy. > > She means well. She's just old school and has a lot of old school traits.

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Why does your fiancé want to live in your home?

> My fiance loves my house. Even though it's the same house I shared with my late husband. It's way bigger than anything in his area. He also loves that it's more peaceful here. I don't see it turning around.

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What was the original plan for your stepson’s guardian ad litem?

> He had the guardian ad litem early on because his mother made things so contentious during custody hearings. In the state they live in, it's common practice for a child to have a guardian ad litem attorney to represent their best interests that's paid for by both of the parents.

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What happened with your stepson’s mother after the move was approved?

> The courts have already approved the move. My stepson's mother recently has severed all contact with him and refuses to take his phone calls now.

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Update 1 - after 3 days

^(October 10, 2025)

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Small Update/Thank You/Clarifications: AITAH for letting my fiance and stepson move in rather than moving to them so his mom can co-parent?

I don't have a big update. I just wanted to say thanks to everyone for their words. Many of you were incredibly comforting and brought up valid points.

TL;DR: Fiance's ex got a cease and desist letter today. My mom apologized. More back story about circumstances.

My only real updates are that my fiance's (we'll call him Nathan) ex (we'll call her Judy) has received a cease and desist letter from my fiance's lawyer this afternoon. Judy is only to contact Nathan on their co-parenting app for any issues she may have related to co-parenting and my stepson is available for her to contact. Judy is not to contact me under any circumstances or a restraining order will be filed. I have not heard from her since Sunday.

My mom and I talked it out. I let her know that I was a bit disappointed that she had so much empathy for my ex's fiance and none for me. She admitted she does not really care for my fiance and has thought for a long time that he was leading me on.

She also is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama. However, she did apologize to me for not being more supportive. She did say it's my life and she doesn't have to agree with everyone decision I make. She said even if she is not my fiance's biggest fan, she will remain respectful for my sake.

Since I'm here I will answer some common questions. When I wrote my original post, I was upset and it was a kind of stream of consciousness so I wasn't clear on certain details. I figured I could take a moment to paint a clearer picture.

1. My fiance's mother (we'll call her Amelia) is a wonderful woman to me but she did not like my fiance's ex at all. She and I have a wonderful relationship. She loves her grandson and that's the only reason she is civil towards the ex. But Amelia has a lot of suspicions about Judy's behavior. She strongly believes that Judy was after his money and that she got pregnant to trap my Nathan. I don't really believe that's true but it's what she believes. I do know Judy and Amelia clashed on several occasions over various things including parenting.

2. My stepson (we'll call him Elijah) is very excited to transfer to the STEM school. Elijah attends a private school in his area that specializes in science and tech. He is very into computer programming and already knows four different programming languages. I'm a website UX designer so I've taught him what I know as well. The STEM school in my area is one of the best in the region and possibly the country and that is the main reason why he wants to live here with me. The school doesn't typically take students mid-year but they made an exception for Elijah. If he wanted to stay he'd have had other options. He's very mature for his age.

3. To end the court battles between his parents, Elijah's been considered responsible enough to make his own decisions regarding where he lives but he still has to live with a parent or legal guardian until he's 18. It's not quite emancipation but he has considered doing that if his mom continues to make trouble. He still continues to live with his dad but he can see and do as he wishes and the court won't really intervene. Basically, it was to prevent Judy from weaponizing the courts and trying to scream about parental alienation. That's about all I know and understand and I'm sure it's not the full story. Like I said, I try to stay out of it while being loving and supportive. He's a little old for me to mother but I want him to know that I'm there for him.

4. Someone brought up a valid point. Nathan and I are not married yet. We're getting married in June of next year. I call Elijah my stepson because he tells people I'm his stepmom but nothing is official as of yet. I realized that maybe we should take care in using those labels as it could cause issues since nothing is official yet. Either way, Elijah is happy for us. If he hadn't been, I don't think I'd have felt comfortable taking our relationship far. But he's always been a great kid and I love him.

5. Because Elijah is so mature, Nathan wanted to give him the choice where to live. Nathan was originally supposed to be promoted two years ago and we were going to move in together sooner but then things with Elijah's mom went south and then his work wasn't able to promote him in a timely manner. It became clear that if Nathan left that Judy was going to go out of her way to make it difficult for Nathan to see Elijah and came up with a lot of baseless accusations. Between that and his work, Nathan's promotion was delayed by 2 years. The original plan was that Nathan would see Elijah every other weekend, they'd FaceTime daily, and spend all holidays and summers with us while living with his mother. But it didn't work out and Nathan needed to stay. Because of that, Nathan wanted to give Elijah options on where he wanted to live. He never planned to abandon his son. He would still be an involved Dad and Elijah really doesn't have a rebellious bone in his body. His entire life revolves on computers, making websites, and programming. Trust me, we worry about his lack of rebellious spirit.

Thanks for being supportive and understanding. I hope I cleared everything up a bit.

I don't know if there will really be a reason for me to update. Maybe I'll update after they move in and when we get married. I'm not going to promise I'll do that. Thanks for listening.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

No-Appearance1145 > She thought he was leading you on so then later she tells you to move to him that would make you lose any safety nets you may have to appease a woman and the man she thinks is leading you on 😂 > > Some people can be funny. I'm glad its working out for you guys. > > OOP >> She said that because she knew I wouldn't do it. I've come to the conclusion that my mom didn't want me to move on from my late husband.

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FoxySlyOldStoatyFox > My mom… is suspicious of the custody battle and worries about me being put in the drama > > I don’t follow this logic. If she doesn’t want you in the middle of it, why did she (quoting your original post “suggest that maybe I should consider a temporary living situation closer to them so as not to disrupt my stepson's routine and to help my fiancee repair his relationship with his mother,”? Her (terrible) advice would out put you firmly in the middle of it.  > > OOP >> Part of the issue is she thinks I moved on too quickly from my late husband's death. She loved my husband and I think she wanted me to remain a widow but doesn't want to admit it. >> >> FoxySlyOldStoatyFox >>> You seem to be making good choices during a challenging time. I’d encourage you to view your mother’s advice with extreme caution.  >>> >>> OOP >>>> Trust me, I do.

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Human_Presentation29 > Why is your mom so suspicious of fiancé? > > OOP >> I think it's less that she's suspicious and more that she'd prefer I didn't move on from my husband who passed away in 2018. My late husband and I knew each other since we were kids and our families are still close. >> >> Funnily enough, I've gotten more support from my late husband's parents than I have from my own mother. They are excited for me to have found someone. They've met my fiance and really like him. They also met my stepson and like him too. And no it's not in a creepy trying to replace their son way. They're just happy I found happiness after what happened. >> >> My mom's very mad I moved on about a year and a half after my husband passed away. She said it was too soon. Then she made excuses about why she didn't think this relationship would work. I lost both my husband and my dad within a year of each other and my mom just hasn't been able to move on from that time period. I spent a year in intensive therapy and even though it's hard, I'm moving on as best as I can. My mom refuses to get help and she resents things changing and me choosing not to wallow in misery with her. Our relationship hasn't been great for a few years but she's my mom.

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Update 2 - after 2 months, 6 days (after 2 months, 3 days from last post)

^(December 13, 2025)

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Update: AITAH for letting my fiance and son move in with me rather than move to them?

Hi there, I'm the lady with the amazing stepson and the fiance who's moving closer to me. I'm writing again. Buckle up it's been a wild ride since I last posted.

My finace's ex decided to latch on to someone else. Because of this, she told my stepson that she hates him. She is planning her future with her new man and that future doesn't include my stepson. However, it turns out they both got busted for disorderly conduct and domestic violence recently. I'm glad my stepson was not exposed to that.

As for my mom, she and I have had a bit of a falling out recently. I confronted my mom about her lack of support and as I suspected, my mom told me it was "sinful" that I moved on from my late husband and that I'm allowing another man to sleep in the house I shared with my deceased husband.

I had the house completely remodeled the year after my husband's death. It was very theraputic to put my house the way I wanted it. Her argument is that I dishonor my husband's memory by moving on. But my mom says widows should never remarry. I told her that's her prerogative but I will not isolate myself in grief. I've distanced myself from my mother until she can respect my relationship.

The ironic thing is that my late husband's parents have moved on and are happy for me. I've been closer to them than my own mother for many years now. They've met my fiance and stepson and think we're a great match. They know I loved their son but also encouraged me to move on.

My ex-MIL has even put my mom in place. My mom has been sulking for a few weeks now and keeping to herself. She can rejoin my life when she decides to be supportive. I have my family surrounded me and if my mom refuses to be supportive, she can stay out of my life.

Lastly, we're getting married February 14th in a small wedding ceremony followed by a catered meal. My previous sister in law and best friend is my maid of honor.

That's all I have.

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COMMENTS

Bananasforskail > That's all I have.... > > Wait sister, you didn't tell us about the massive security team you hired for your wedding.... > > OOP >> Lol. Unnecessary...I hope. My mom isn't the type to cause a scene. >> >> Bananasforskail >>> My first thought was actually the crazy ex >>> >>> OOP >>>> She's too busy trying to please her new man and getting wasted.

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if_im_not_back_in_5 > Congrats, and cut off your toxic mum. > > Best wishes for the future ! > > OOP >> If she refuses to be supportive, she has no place in my life. I don't need to say or do anything else.

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NEW UPDATE

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Final Update - after 10 months, 9 days (after 8 months, 3 days from last post)

^(August 16, 2026)

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Update 2: AITAH for not moving closer to my fiancee and stepson so my fiancee can co-parent with his ex?

Hello!

I forgot about this account. But I got some messages asking for an update so here I am.

I'm enjoying being married to my now husband and spending time with my stepson.

My stepson is about to go into his senior year. He's applied to MIT and CalTech. I'm almost certain he'll get into MIT, which is his first choice and not as far from home. He's really into the advances made by AI and even the controversies. He says he's leaning towards AI biotechnology. He wants to invent a way for elderly people to use AI to stay in their homes instead of going to a nursing home or needing to relocate.

My stepson has asked me to adopt him after his 18th birthday which will be in April. We decided it was better to wait until he was an adult, that way there isn't anything left for his mother to fight, not that I'm sure she would. To my knowledge, my stepson has not had any contact with his mother since he moved away.

I don't think she's made any attempts to contact him either. Rumor has it, her new fiancee has kids and she is spending all of her time with them. I don't think this is the same guy I mentioned last time but I'm not sure either. I don't really keep up to date on her now that she's mostly out of my husband's life and mine. I just heard an update my husband's sister was discussing with him and my stepson when she visited a few weeks ago. I don't ask because it's ultimately between my husband and stepson.

My husband and I are doing fantastic. Our wedding was nice. I was worried when reality set in that my 1st husband's family might drift away. But my former FIL LOVES my husband. My husband lost his father when he was young and my father died not long after my husband died. So my previous FIL has been a wonderful father figure to us both. He misses his son but I think my husband has filled some of the gaps. For example, my FIL loves tinkering with cars. My husband loves tinkering so they bond over that and FIL is teaching my husband about auto mechanics.

Both my MIL and FIL love my stepson too. Most importantly, my now-husband harbors no jealousy with my 1st husband as I've heard horror stories of that when people remarry. Because my husband lost his dad when he was young and watched his mom remarry someone who did get jealous of the life they had before, he says that seems like a waste of emotion instead of enjoying the present.

My husband has been understanding when I mourn on certain days like 1st husband's birthday or the anniversary of the day he died. He knows it's nothing against him and that our love is solid. He also knows I experienced a tragedy no one should ever have to face.

My husband and I are expecting via surrogacy. We're excited. I always wanted to be a mother but had difficulties before. I didn't mention this because it had no bearing on my previous posts but I had some unfertilized eggs frozen from a round of IVF I did with my 1st husband before he died (I also had some fertilized embryos with my first husband that were never used).

Before we got married, my husband and I were going back and forth on adoption or using my unused eggs and a surrogate. We decided to do the latter and successfully created some embryos shortly after we got married. We're 17 weeks along now with a girl expected in late December or early January. We just found out the sex a few days ago. Our surrogate has been awesome.

We'd like to have two kids together and this is something we discussed before getting married. We may adopt our second child. We will revisit in a couple of years.

As for my mom, our contact has been limited since our last argument. She made the choice to move into assisted living closer to my brother (that I'm not close to) several states away. I wish her the best but I don't need someone who will try to undermine my joy and force me to remain in a tragic time in my life.

My 1st husband's family and my current husband's family has been the support network I've needed and are incredibly supportive. Sometimes I'm still shocked at how supportive and understanding my 1st husband's family has been and how much they've continued to include me in the family.

In all, life is good. I'm very grateful it's good. I choose to look at the good in life. I'm not certain if I'll update again.

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