I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Worldly_Pen6712

AITAH for getting with my ex-fiancé's brother after breaking off the engagement?

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: >!Infidelity, physical assault!<

Original Post  Sept 21, 2026

Okay, so I (27F) am currently dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan (30M), and some people in my life think I'm an asshole for it. I honestly don't know what to think anymore, so I figured I'd ask here. This is going to be long because there's a LOT of context, so bear with me.

Three years ago, I was engaged to Jake (29M). We'd been together for about four years, and honestly, I thought we were doing pretty well. Obviously, we had our disagreements like any couple, but I loved him and genuinely thought we were going to get married. We'd already started talking seriously about the wedding, where we'd live, all that stuff. I really thought that was going to be my life.

I actually met Jake through his older brother, Ethan (30M), who I'd known for a while before Jake and I started dating. Ethan and I were friends first, and we'd always gotten along really well. We'd hang out occasionally, talk, and generally just had a good relationship. There was never anything romantic between us. He was my friend first, then my boyfriend's brother, and that was pretty much it.

Anyway, three years ago, Jake and I were invited to a destination wedding in Italy. It was for a mutual friend, and quite a few people we knew were going. Unfortunately, I couldn't go because of some complications with my job. I tried to work something out, but it just wasn't possible. Ethan couldn't go either because of work, but his fiancée, Holly (28F), was attending.

Now, Holly had always been a little too touchy with Jake for my liking. She'd hang off his arm, hug him for ages, lean against him when there was absolutely no reason to, stuff like that. I don't want to make it sound like I thought every interaction between them was suspicious, but it was enough that I'd mentioned it to Jake more than once. He always said she was just affectionate and that they'd known each other forever. I didn't want to be the jealous girlfriend who made everything into a problem, so eventually I stopped bringing it up.

When I found out Jake and Holly would be travelling to Italy together, I wasn't exactly comfortable with it. I told him that, and after a few conversations he reassured me that there was nothing to worry about. They were originally booked into separate rooms, so I eventually decided to trust him and let it go.

Except then I got a call from the bride.

She told me that Jake had apparently been insisting that he and Holly stay in the same room because Holly wasn't comfortable staying with someone else and, since Jake was her fiancé's brother, she supposedly felt safer with him. The bride seemed to think this was completely reasonable and was mostly calling because she wanted to let me know so I wouldn't be surprised by the room arrangements.

I was definitely surprised.

I called Jake and asked him about it, and he told me Holly was nervous about travelling and staying somewhere unfamiliar and that there was nothing weird about it. He said I was making a big deal out of something that wasn't actually a big deal. I reminded him that I was already uncomfortable with them travelling together, and now they were apparently sharing a room too.

He reassured me again and again that nothing was going to happen. He said they were family, that Holly was engaged to his brother, and that I had no reason to worry. I eventually decided that if I couldn't trust my own fiancé, then there wasn't much point in getting married. So I told him okay.

Well, a week after the wedding, someone sent me a photo of Jake and Holly kissing.

I genuinely just stared at my phone for a while. I didn't even know what to say. I messaged Jake immediately, and after a lot of back and forth, he admitted that they'd kissed at the wedding. Apparently they'd both been drinking, things got out of hand, and they ended up sleeping together.

He also admitted that they'd come back later than they were originally supposed to, which obviously hadn't helped my feelings about the whole thing.

He kept saying it was a drunken mistake and that it didn't mean anything, but at that point I didn't really care what he called it. I'd specifically told him I was uncomfortable, he'd reassured me over and over, and then he'd gone and slept with her anyway.

I ended the engagement. I couldn't see myself marrying someone after that.

Ethan found out around the same time, and he ended things with Holly too. I don't know every detail of what happened between them, and honestly I don't want to. I know he was devastated. They'd been together for years and were supposed to get married too.

The next few months were pretty awful for both of us. I was dealing with the breakup, the wedding plans that now weren't happening, having to explain to people why the engagement was over, and just generally trying to get my life back together. Ethan was dealing with his own breakup, and we were both in this weird position where the people we'd planned our futures with had betrayed both of us in basically the same situation.

Since we'd already known each other for years, we naturally started leaning on each other. We'd talk, get coffee, go out, watch movies, complain about our exes, whatever. Sometimes we'd talk about what happened and sometimes we'd deliberately talk about anything except Jake and Holly. It was actually nice having someone who didn't need me to explain why I was upset because he already understood.

And eventually, we got closer.

I don't know exactly when it happened. There wasn't some dramatic moment where we suddenly realised we were in love or anything. I just started noticing that I looked forward to seeing Ethan. We were talking more, spending more time together, and eventually I realised my feelings weren't exactly platonic anymore.

I tried to ignore it for a while because obviously dating your ex's brother is not exactly the easiest situation in the world. Ethan apparently felt the same way, though, and eventually we talked about it.

We were both really careful about it. We talked about whether this was just because we'd both gone through the same horrible experience, whether we were just lonely, whether we were using each other as a rebound, and what would happen to the family if we actually started dating. Neither of us wanted to get together just because we were angry at Jake and Holly.

Eventually we decided to give it a chance.

We've been together for a while now, and honestly, I'm really happy. I know that probably sounds ridiculous considering the circumstances, but I genuinely care about Ethan. He was my friend before any of this happened, and our relationship didn't start immediately after the breakups. We took our time.

The problem is that some people think I'm still in the wrong for it.

A few of my friends have basically told me that no matter what Jake did, I shouldn't have gotten involved with his brother. One of them said that I should have just walked away from the entire family instead of getting together with Ethan. Another said that it was disrespectful because Jake and Ethan are brothers and that I should have known there would be consequences.

I understand why people think it's messy. I really do. I'm not pretending this is a completely normal relationship situation. But at the same time, I don't really understand why I'm supposed to give up a relationship I genuinely care about because my ex cheated on me.

Ethan's parents are actually fine with us being together. They've been supportive, and they're both very disappointed in Jake and Holly. They don't blame me or Ethan for what happened, but they've also told us that they don't want the situation to completely tear the family apart. Which I understand. They're still Jake's parents, and I don't expect them to just stop loving him because he cheated.

Some of my cousins have also expressed concern about the relationship, mostly because they think family gatherings are going to become awkward and that eventually someone is going to have to choose sides. Honestly, I don't really think that's their business. I'm not trying to make anyone choose sides. I just happen to be in a relationship with someone I care about.

Jake, obviously, isn't happy about any of this. He thinks I'm disrespecting him by dating Ethan and apparently feels like his own brother betrayed him. I don't really know what he expected me to do. I understand that it must be uncomfortable for him, but I don't think he gets to decide who either of us can have a relationship with after what happened.

Anyway, there's a family get-together tomorrow, and both Jake and Holly are going to be there.

And honestly, I have NO idea how that's going to go.

I haven't properly seen either of them in a while, and I have no idea whether they're going to ignore us, confront us, make comments, or just pretend everything is normal. Ethan says he'll be there with me and that we don't have to do anything we don't want to do, but I'm still pretty nervous about it.

Part of me wants to just go, be polite, and get through the day. Another part of me is already imagining the most painfully awkward family dinner in human history.

So yeah. That's basically the situation. Some of my friends think I'm an asshole for dating my ex-fiancé's brother, Ethan's parents are okay with it but don't want the family falling apart, and some of my cousins think we're making things unnecessarily complicated.

I honestly don't know anymore.

So, AITAH?

EDIT : To clarify, since I can't respond to so many people, yes Jake and Holly got together. I might have also forgotten to, um mention one detail. I apologize, but here it is. Jake and Holly DID NOT share the same room for the wedding, after I called to enquire about it. They did not show any signs of being near each other, however on the last day, they got drunk and spent the night. Even if it was a drunken mistake, I didn't think I could stay with someone who cheated so I left. I also couldn't reply  to many people yesterday since I had a long shift and was honestly really tired, so I just fell asleep.

If anything happens today I'll be updating.

Update  Sept 28, 2026

A lot of people asked for an update so here it is. But before we dive into more drama, Im going to clear up a few things.

Ethan and I did NOT start dating right after Jake and I broke off our engagements. We knew each other before any of this happened, but we were friends for about two years after the breakups before we actually got together. We spent a lot of that time supporting each other, and eventually things changed between us. So no, it wasn't immediately “we both got cheated on, let's date each other.” I understand why people thought it might have been trauma bonding, and honestly, we wondered that ourselves, which is why we waited.

Also, Ethan's parents were okay with us being together. They weren't exactly thrilled about the whole situation, obviously, but they supported us. They also didn't want their family to completely fall apart, so they kept some limited communication with Jake and Holly. Jake and Holly absolutely got criticised for what they did. But Ethan and I got plenty of criticism too, mostly from people who thought that just because Jake and Holly cheated didn't mean we should get together out of spite or make things even messier. I actually understand that perspective more than I probably did when I first made the post.

Anyway. The family dinner happened. And yeah. It went badly.

And uh... yeah. Holly tried to pull my fucking hair.

So this is how it went: 

I was talking to someone in the hallway when she came up to me and started going off. She was saying I had ruined the family, that I was a stain of dirt on them, and that I needed to walk away from Ethan and stay away from all of them.

I told her I wasn't doing this with her and tried to walk away.

She followed me.

I turned around and told her again to leave me alone, and that's when she grabbed my hair. Like actually grabbed it and yanked me backwards. I shoved her hand away and she started yelling that I needed to get out of their family and that I had no right to be there.

And then Ethan, Jake, and their parents walked in. 

Perfect timing, right? lol ok but back to the topic at hand: 

Ethan immediately came over and got between us. His parents were yelling at Holly, asking what the hell she was doing, and Jake just stood there for a second looking completely shocked.

Then Jake went, “What the fuck are you doing?”

Holly started trying to explain herself and saying that I had been provoking her and that I was ruining everything, but Jake cut her off. He told her that whatever problems they had with me, she had no excuse to put her hands on me.

And I swear, that was probably the first time I'd ever seen Jake actually look disgusted by something she'd done.

Everything just kind of exploded after that. Everyone was talking over everyone, Holly was still screaming, Ethan was telling her to stay away from me, and his parents were basically trying to get everyone to calm down.

Jake eventually told Holly that they were done. And then he basically admitted that he'd been a huge jerk. Like, actually admitted it. I don't think I've ever heard him say that before.

I'm not suddenly best friends with Jake or anything, and I'm definitely not forgiving everything that happened because he finally did one decent thing. But I wasn't expecting him to be the one to step in, so... yeah. However, I appreciate that he owned up, even though it was 3 years later, let's just say I don't forget easily.

After that, I didn't stay for dinner. I wasn't exactly in the mood to sit back down at the table and pass the potatoes around like nothing had just happened, because, to be fair who would actually do that?

Ethan came with me, obviously. His parents stayed behind for a bit because there was still a lot to sort out, and I think they wanted to make sure Holly actually left.

I didn't really hear much from Jake that night. Apparently he and Holly had a massive argument after we left, and that's when he officially ended things with her. I don't know what was said between them and I'm not particularly interested in finding out.

The next few days were kind of a blur. My phone also decided that this was the perfect time to completely die, because apparently I hadn't suffered enough. So that's why there was no update after the dinner. I finally got it fixed, hence me being back here now.

I also filed for a restraining order against Holly. I'm not going to go into all the details of that because it's still being dealt with, but I felt like I needed to do something after what happened.

Ethan and I have also started therapy. Together and separately. And honestly, that has probably been one of the better decisions we've made through all of this. We had a really long conversation about us too. Like, properly talked about everything we'd been avoiding. Whether we were actually happy together, whether some of it was trauma bonding, whether we'd become too dependent on each other because we were the only two people who really understood what the other had gone through, all of it.

And we both came to the same conclusion.

We're going to let the relationship rest.

That doesn't mean Ethan is out of my life. I don't think I could just throw away a friendship that existed long before Jake and Holly. He's still one of my closest friends, and I still care about him a lot. We're just not going to keep trying to make the romantic side of things work while we're both still dealing with all of this.

I think I finally realised that I've been spending way too much time thinking about what everyone else thinks I should do. Jake thinks I shouldn't be with Ethan. Some of my friends thought I shouldn't have dated him in the first place. Other people thought we should stay together because Jake and Holly were the ones who caused all of this.

But it's my life.

And honestly, I think some of you were right when you said I needed to get away from this whole family situation instead of constantly trying to figure out where I fit into it.

So that's what I'm doing.

I'm taking a break from relationships for a while. Like, a proper break. I'm not going to start looking for someone else or worrying about whether I should date Ethan again someday. I'm just going to live my life for a bit.

I've got my friends, my work, therapy, and my cats, who are very happy that I have nowhere else to be because they've been glued to me since I got home. Maybe years from now I'll look back and still have feelings for Ethan. Maybe he will too. Maybe neither of us will. If that happens, we'll figure it out then.

But that's future me's problem.

Right now I just want to be me for a while without my entire life revolving around Jake, Holly, Ethan, or whoever thinks I'm making the wrong decision. So yeah. That's where things stand.

Thank you to everyone who commented on the original post, even the people who called me an asshole. Some of you were definitely harsh, but there were also things I needed to hear. I'm going to take a break from Reddit after this because  posting your family drama online to hundreds of strangers is not the healthiest hobby.

Thank you Reddit.

FINAL COMMENTS

HoleInWon929

> Sounds like a good decision to stop talking to the entire family. > > Yes he helped you get through an awful betrayal but it sounds like a trauma bond. > > Surely there are other people in the world to date.

OOP

>>I took everyone's advice, and I'm happy to say that I will be focusing on myself. It was messy, and even though we will remain friends, I'll be steering away from anything romantic. If any lingering feelings remain, it'll be future me's problem. Right now, Im going to travel, spend time with friends and be myself. No more drama.

allergymom74

>I would recommend taking time away from the friendship too. Yes. You went through therapy, etc to come to this conclusion. AND it is still an adjustment to go back to being just friends after years of complications. Time and space gives you time to truly move on.

OOP

>>I've taken that into consideration. I'm taking a 1 month break for my job to travel a bit. Ethan and I will remain friends, but for now we've agreed to stay distant for a while to focus on our lives instead.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

TL;DR My husband molested and raped his sister, and I don’t know if I should leave because it sounds like the courts won’t care since it was so long ago, so he could get 50/50 custody of our kids.

My (44F) husband (47M) has three older sisters. When he was a teenager, he would watch his sisters undress through a window. One of his sisters is one year older than him and she was born profoundly deaf and with a developmental disability. At her current age (48) she still only has the mental capacity of a 13 year old.
When my husband was 16-17 and this sister was 17-18, he began grooming her. He told her that he would set her up with her school crush and teach her to drive if she let him watch her undress. Then it turned into watching her shower. Then, letting him touch her while she showered. Then, it turned into having her grind on him until he ejaculated. This went on for a year. Then one day he raped/attempted to rape her. And she told her parents. I guess a police report was made but he denied it and she changed her story, and her parents thought she was hallucinating.
My husband attributes this all to being exposed to pornography at the age of 11 and then quickly getting addicted to it and it “got out of control.”
Fast forward to when we got married and he hadn’t told me any of this. We have now been married 20 years and have 4 kids together. I found out about his pornography addiction pretty early on, and it’s been years of lies. Including times when he searched Craigslist for casual hookups. He has been in Sexaholics Anonymous for 11 years now but has not found long term recovery. His longest period of sobriety was 8 months. He has never had intensive therapy. He saw a CSAT for a few months a couple years ago but really made no progress.
His mom found out about him molesting his sister around the same time that I found out and she told me, “She knew what she was doing, too.” Absolutely not.
It really traumatized me, and being around his family brings it all up again and I have intrusive thoughts about them having sex. When I bring up how hard some of the interactions with his family are for me, he basically tells me I am creating chaos. Our marriage has been years of emotional and psychological abuse for me.
I want to leave, but a lawyer I consulted with said since it’s over 30 years old, the courts basically won’t care and he could get 50/50 custody.
Everyone else who knows him thinks he’s just this super great guy.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/masterofthinking00

Published on: r/Advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 27, 2026

• Final Update: September 30, 2026

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Main Post

^(September 27, 2026)

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I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend

This is a throwaway because both of them use Reddit.

I 24f am in a relationship with my amazing boyfriend 25M ace (fake name) and I have a good friend 24 F katie (also fake name)

these two are my people, on such different levels.

so for some backstory, I’ve been dating ace for about a year now, and I’ve been friends with Katie since we were 14, she’s always been hesitant with my partners as I’ve been with some POS in the past.

however once i introduced her to ace? They got on amazingly, at first? I loved it.

I will fully admit I’m the jealous type do to being cheated on before, but usually it’s never over something as simple as my boyfriend getting along with my friends.

but they are a perfect match.

they have the same humour, communication style, hobbies, nerdy interests etc.

the three of us usually hang out- but the last couple times I’ve noticed it’s been more them two then me?

like they’ll sit there playing video games while I doom scroll and if I ask a question they’ll brush me off because I don’t know the lore? whatever that means.

also my boyfriend keeps telling me how “amazing it is to have someone have everything the same as he does” And it’s really unsettling.

A couple times we’ve been hanging out and I’ve gone to the kitchen or something to get a drink and I’m immediately worried by them being alone together.

I really don’t think either of them would do anything to hurt me but I can see they are a perfect fit, I’ve never met people so similar in my life.

they also go to the same university so they are with eachother 5/7 days a week. 6/7 if we hangout on weekends, and yes I know they eat lunch together.

meanwhile I see my boyfriend 2/7 days a week at most lately and while I understand that I don’t go to their university I can’t control that, the amount of time they spend together is starting to make me uncomfortable.

I’ve also noticed that Katie seems a lot different, let’s be honest we all complain about daily life to our best friends, but lately if I do that or say something like “oh I have to do bla bla bla, and ace won’t help so annoying” she will tell him straight away.

He’s also being weird with his phone and I caught her on his Snapchat the other day? She wasn’t on there before. But then again maybe I’m trying to add up every little thing to make a case.

I know this is my own insecurity which is why I’ve tried to ignore it because why is it their issue? But it’s getting to the point that Its eating me up inside and I’m becoming more jealous and territorial over my boyfriend than I usually would be.

Also just to note- all my other friends get along with my boyfriend, he’s an amazing guy but they are much more My friends, where as Katie feels like she’s turned into his friend now. no one’s this close with him.

so Reddit I come to you, what do I do?

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COMMENTS

These-Process-7331 > Just because you have a type for a decent BF and BFF doesn't make them "perfect" for eachother. > > To put it very easy: 2 whipped creams mix along pretty well but don't have a mind-blowing outcome. Cream and chocolate cake on otherhand: don't look the same at all but are SO good together, and both are elevated to the next level when combined! In this comparison: you are the chocolate cake and they are whipped cream. > > Ask yourself this: did you BF at any point show shady behavior (for example: trying to bring you down when a dress fitted you better)? > > OOP >> Thank you! This helped, to be honest I don’t know- she’s always there when I need her but lately she’s very all about him asking how he is, when we hangout ask if he’s going ect. >> >> These-Process-7331 >>> Hmm that is kinda eye brow raising..... I wouldn't directly jump into conclusions but will keep things a bit separately (better safe than sorry). >>> >>> Also, how does your BF behaves? >>> >>> OOP >>>> He treats her like a friend I guess, but sometimes things get abit weird when i try to join a conversation between them about games ect. >>>> >>>> Also she’s single, she has a thing for this one guy but it’s not going anywhere as far as I know

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Sad_Matter_4992 > I mean, as a gamer, if gaming is really not your thing and you’re forcing yourself into conversation about my hobby you don’t usually care about, I would 100% shrug it off too… they just have a hobby in common, it means nothing, if I can give my feelings about it, I think you took the fact they share a hobby you don’t have really personnaly and it’s not really healthy. > > OOP >> Gaming was just an example, lol. Theres a lot of other things they exclude me from even if I’m kinda into it.

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Signal_Condition348 (downvoted) > If you see that they are perfect for eachother maybe it would be wise to let them be happy together. Then you can focus on finding someone who you have more in common with and you can still stay friends with them.  > > OOP >> I wouldn’t be able to be friends with them unfortunately, if what I think is true then I’d step aside but I would no longer be in either of their lives

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midlifemax > Why do you need to include a third person. Can’t you just hang out with him? > > OOP >> Yes we do hangout alone but lately she keeps asking to see me and if I’m with him she will just show up sometimes or if it’s just me and her she will ask me to ask him to come

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onalarkonboard > It sounds strange, but you have an open enough heart, you are young and they are, too, and if you are really observing “soulmates” the right thing, I know it is wanted to say, but is to help them be together, in a way that shows you are not possessive, I know it might sound crazy, but if you really know Katie well and Ace (good fake name) it might be better for them to actually potentially be together, it might mean someone perfect is out there for you. > > 24 is young, but also a good tome to meet someone, it seems if you have an open enough heart, it might be worth letting them see if they are truly what you are observing. It is complicated to do this, see if it is what is in your emotional comfort. But if two people are truly soulmates, they should be together. If you are exaggerating you observations, then see what’s up by talking to your boyfriend. > > OOP >> If they are meant to be, then I’ll obviously have no objections because how could I? Unfortunately though I could not have them in my life’s if it gets to that, I couldn’t see my best friend be with someone I sleep with, I’m going to speak with my boyfriend Thursday about it all. And I will update, either way I think Katie and me will have to have abit of distance now, this has showed me I don’t really trust her.

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TwoPlusTwoMakesA5 (downvoted) > As hard as it may be don’t be possessive. If they truly have found love in each other, accept that and be happy for them. There will be someone else for you down the road. > > This concept that you own him because you found him first is ridiculous. Let love find its way however it may be. > > OOP >> I’m not saying I own him at all, sorry if it came across that way but as I’ve stated in other comments- if I’m right and they’re the better match they can be together but I won’t be around them, I can’t do that to myself- even if it seems selfish

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hahahahahkys > What game do they play together ? Have you ever tried learning more about it too > > OOP >> It’s on his pc, she doesn’t own the game, I had ago but it’s horror where I as I play more like pvp on Minecraft or ddlc

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Final Update - after 3 days

^(September 30, 2026)

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I think I introduced soulmates, but it’s my boyfriend and best friend

I didn’t expect this to blow up the way it did thank you everyone mean and kind for all your insights, I’ve read every single comment but haven’t replied to all of them. Very appropriated.

Onto the update:

so Reddit, you were half right.

I spoke to my boyfriend first,and I took your advice.

I told him how uncomfortable I was, how I didn’t expect them to stop being friends but from now on I wanted her to be more of an arm length friend because it felt like i was a third in the relationship.

he let me see his phone and apologised profusely for making me feel that way, safe to say atleast on his end- there was no flirting/ suspicious behaviour and all messages were saved.

he told me- and I’ve seen the messages for proof, she added him- said she has a thing for a guy in his course and asked him to help her, I do not buy this.

Katie doesn’t just get feelings for some random guy she saw in the hallway and thought was cute.

I rang Katie in-front of my boyfriend and she started crying her eyes out.

She started out by saying “it wasn’t meant to happen” and “she didn’t want to hurt me”

okay, but then why lie about liking another guy to spend time with my boyfriend??

I told her to stop the bs and just admit she was flirting.

she did, she said she’s “sorry” but she’s and I quote “a much better fit for him” than I am, and to be honest.. I don’t doubt why she feels that way, I mean look at the title of this exact post.

she said she’s sorry over and over but I didn’t budge.

I told her me and my boyfriend will still be civil to her since we share the same friend group, and they go to uni together- but no longer will we be hanging out with her alone

to be honest, I’d love to lie and say that I’m fine, but I’m not.

This girl has been my rock since I was 14.

Which is why I’m not cutting her out completely even though i probably should.

we’ve gone through everything together and this genuinely hurts my heart, never would have 14-22 year old me thought id ever purposely distance myself from this girl.

so yeah, that’s probably the last time I’ll update this post unless something major happens but I doubt it will since it’s been a couple hours and I’ve heard nothing.

&nbsp;

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Temporary_Lie_3460

Published on: r/AITAH & r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORUs:

• BORU-1 by u/SharkEva on November 01, 2024

• BORU-2 by u/ObsidianNight102399 on December 23, 2024

Thanks to u/smashing767 for letting me know about the update!

Trigger Warning: >!Assault, miscarriage, death!<

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: October 30, 2024 at 02:05 UTC

• Update 1: October 31, 2024 at 00:06 UTC

• Update 2: November 07, 2024

• Update 3: December 23, 2024

• Final Update: October 01, 2026 --> NEW UPDATE

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Main Post

^(October 30, 2024 at 02:05 UTC)

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aita: for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died?

I just really need some clarity on this situation, I 23f lost my husband 25m weeks ago to a car accident, he was the love of my life and im still not used to waking up without him everyday. we have big plans for our future and it all came crashing down in a heart beat. we met on his uncles farm, he was a farm hand and it was love as first site for me. im also 4 months pregnant but I havent told anyone, I was planning on telling my friend when I was feeling better.

My best friend Leigh 24F has been my shoulder to cry on during this time, she helped me with his funeral and anything else I needed as im NC with my bio family story for another time, she is currently dating Barry 24M they usually hang out in a trio with Liam 24M, when I first met Liam he hit on me hard tried everything as in would try and compare himself with my husband say weird things like our kids would be cuter than if you had kids with My husband. He's also made weird comments like I need a city boy and would motion himself, when im a country girl through and through, I typically would shut him down or ignore him but I would always get dirty looks from Barry.

skip to Sunday night, I got a messaged from Leigh begging me to come to dinner with her because she wanted to treat me as I had Been through a lot in the last couple of weeks, feeling not so shit about myself I decided to go. When I arrived she wasn't there so I texted her asking how long she would be and she told me 5 mins she's just running late and is around the corner so I to sat down and ordered a drink now 5 mins comes and she's still not there so I gave her the benefit of the doubt and waited another five when im about call her Liam comes rushing over and gives his apologies for being late I asked him what's he doing here because im waiting for Leigh and it was a two chair table, he smiles at me and grabs my hand I ripped it off of him and he just says oh I asked Leigh to set us up now that Husbands name isn't a problem we can finally get to know each other he looked so cringey and im telling you I was floored I stood up and told him that I wasn't interested and I certainly don't give a flying fuck about getting to know him, and that I just lost my husband

without a word of a lie this man stands up and said I know your being overly emotion right now so ill forgive you for that sit down with me, im not saying we have to have sex straight away.or anything, I was disgusted I shoved past him and went home as fast as I could when I did get home Leigh messaged me soo how was dinner with a smirk emoji I called her and when she answered I didnt let her get a word in I yelled at her asked her how she has the audacity to do something like this weeks after I just lost my husband when shoes been the one to hold me together this whole time I asked her what fucking game was she playing and that the only reason I wanted to meet tonight with HER was to tell her im pregnant I just hung up on her and texted her I need time and don't want to be contacted by her for the time being.

Last night Barry came to my house and asked to talk, I said no and that if he didnt leave id call the police, he told me that I broke Leighs heart and that I deeply hurt Liam when now is an even better time to get to know Liam because he could raise my Child With me I opened my door which Barry took as I wanted to talk instead I hit him with my shoes and chased him to his car screaming, im actually embarrassed I did that.

All day today im being flooded with messages from friends and the trio themselves shaming me for pushing the people who care about me the most away and that they don't even regonise the person ive become the only thing that hurts me most is that my husband would know what to do he would tell me how to fix it and now I have no one who I can talk to im just so numb inside, I have A therapy appointment tomorrow but im thinking of calling my husbands mum even though we've barley spoken since the funeral any advice is appreciated, please exude any typos im just so exhausted

{ Edit : I made a new account for this post as some friends have my main and id rather have some time to grasp this whole thing before I answer anyone personally. thank you }

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COMMENTS

she_who_knits > Very weird and inappropriate people you have as so called friends. Go NC with them. Just ew. > > Call your mother in law. She'll be thrilled about the baby. That's your support system. > >  And join a grief therapy group if there is one local to you. It's okay to be numb. It's normal to be numb when life cracks you upside the head this hard. > > OOP >> thank you, I just feel so wrecked at the minute and I have joined a grief group in the city I'm trying to grip enough courage to actually go.

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StrongTxWoman > As somebody who has lost someone dear to me, this is unforgivable. Who do they think they are? How dare them to tell op how to grief? > > We all grief differently but definitely not within a month (except my bf's father who got a gf the next day his wife passed away). > > If I were op, I don't think I can forgive them. So they think it is funny? I can't imagine they think it was a good idea. > > Is this a troll post? No one with common sense will do that. I hope this is a troll post. > > OOP >> they think I should go out with Liam to get over my husband, I personally am in no way to be jumping into a relationship let alone having a " new family", thank you for your advice

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MacChicken25 > These 3 are absolute shit humans. Did they absolutely hate your late husband or something? Lose the 3 of them. I can't even comprehend the audacity that would make them think any of their behaviors was appropriate. > > OOP >> Leigh used to have a crush on my husband she knew him because her brother used to play football with my husband, other than that Barry and Liam hated him because they think people from the country are stuck up rednecks, thank you for your comment

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T0USHA3 > NTA Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. You did the right thing here. I would suggest not contacting that friend again because anyone should understand that a few weeks after losing your husband is no time to date. also Liam is a scumbag and you need to STAY AWAY > > OOP >> I told Liam if he came anywhere near me id shoot him, bit violent but hopefully he gets the hint

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Classic-Row-2872 > Are you uber rich or very very attractive? Because I can't understand why these people are pushing so hard to see you with a man again > > OOP >> Leigh is the kind of woman who can't be single, I hope that explains her point of view

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Update 1 - after 22 hours

^(October 31, 2024 at 00:06 UTC)

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update: aita for walking out on a blind date my friend set up 2 weeks after my husband died

hello all and thank you,

I just wanted to start of with I called my Mil Louise, after making the post I thought that I needed to tell her about baby because just like some of you said, she is overjoyed about the news.

she didn't answer my call but instead drove straight over to my house, I honestly didnt know what to say to her but we just hugged and cried all night, I didnt have the best delivery about how I am pregnant probably due to all the crying but she just light up and was so happy its the first time ive seen her be this happy in all the time ive known her so at least I have some support, my Fil came over when he finished work after Mil told him he needed to come to my house and he was too overjoyed about becoming a pop.

Louise offered to have the baby and I move in and I agreed, she said that I can sleep in my husbands old room which was a little bittersweet, when I told her what was going on with Leigh, Liam and Barry she was furious and told me not to worry about it because they { Mil & Fil ] have my back after a lot of even more crying Fil told me that my husband would be so happy to have this baby grow up on a farm like my husband did overall our conversations last night was a something I needed.

now im just going to answer some comments:

1. no this isn't fake and if you choose top believe that then that's fine but don't be dragging my husband when you don't even know him. Liam dint kill my husband, it was a car accident and my husband died on impact nothing crazy went on its just awful but is as simply as that

2. Leigh was my friend for a long time she was genuinely there for me when I went NC with my parents and I thought she was a decent friend, now knowing the truth there is many things I can think of that she did that are red flags, personally I think I ignored them because I have never been close to anyone like that other than my husband.

3. Liam is a loser, And from my chat with Barry I learnt that he's always had feelings for me and he's never given up because apparently he's my type? he isn't and never will be.

4. yes I ordered a drink I didn't think I needed to disclose that I ordered a lemonade? it was simply a soda nothing wild I know im pregnant and id never do anything silly.

5. I'm not magically pregnant, my husband and i both wanted children young and were trying for about a year, we just didn't disclose that we were trying because my husband and I think its weird telling people oh were having sex an extra amount, I don't know but my husband and I are very private people and kept a lot of it that way.

and as for the trio I've blocked them, none of my family are reaching out because they simply don't know me anymore, the only friends who are reaching out are mutuals of either Leigh, Barry and one of Liams other friends, I was confused on if I wad an asshole because I just left Liam standing there and yelled at Leigh I was so upset I was confused on the entire thing

but thank you all and I will update on what happens because I know Liam will not give up until he's in jail I seriously hope is doesn't come to that but the fact he drove past my house twice is uneasy so im hopeful the move to husbands parents farm will have my baby and myself on a better path.

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Update 2 - after 7 Days

^(November 07, 2024)

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Firstly some good news,

I found out that I’m having a little girl, I am actually feeling a little bit better today and thought I’d update.

I moved in my in laws the next morning after they had come over, we went to the police and unfortunately there is nothing they can do unless he trespasses, comes into physical contact with me pretty much until he gets worse but I did take the initiative and move so they think he will be less of a threat now that I don’t live in that house but they did take my screenshots of his weird creepy messages and noted that he has been driving past relentlessly.

After a few days we came into town to go grocery shopping and we saw leigh, she went to come over but my MIL like stared at her and yelled NO, Leigh looked a bit awkward because my Mil was yelling yes I’m talking to you Leigh go bother someone else with your bullshit. Leigh did end up walking away which we thought was good I was greatly overwhelmed obviously about seeing her and my anxiety has gotten worse since the “ blind date” I think I was also anxious because Leigh is never without Barry so I was very worried

When we had finished shopping and was walking back to our car Leigh and Barry was waiting for us but again my Mil started screaming, she was yelling he was scum and they are trying to sell drugs to a pregnant woman pretty much anything you embarrass them and to draw a crowd Leigh and Barry did leave again not without looking scared ( points to Mil)

since that I moved in to the farm and it been drama free I had an appointment yesterday and found out about my baby girl but also that I have high blood pressure most liking due to the stress but we’re going to have to watch it just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it.

My husband has always wanted a girl so I know she is a gift from him, but apart from the grocery store incident and the police, it’s been very positive for me being with my In laws, and there dog Spud ( don’t ask I don’t know why that’s his name)

Thank you again.

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COMMENTS

BananaIceTea (downvoted) > Why do people believe this nonsense is beyond me. > > PsychologyOwn257 (downvoted) >> Lmao facts this story is one of the most egregiously false and ridiculous stories I’ve ever read. I love how OP even forgets that she said she was pregnant and then tries to cover it up by being like, “uh YEAH, the drink was a lemonade”. >> >> The replies in this thread are straight up hilarious >> >> EuphoricSwimming3911 (downvoted) >>> Also that they were trying to have a baby for a year and now all of sudden it's that she used an egg donor. Because people in their mid 20s only try for a few months, then start the long drawn out process of infertility treatments, then moving to using an egg donor. All of that gets accomplished from first trying, to pregnant with a donor egg in only a year. This is the fastest infertility journey I've ever seen. That also, weirdly wasn't mentioned at all in the first post. Guess OP messed up keeping their story straight.  >>> >>> OOP >>>> I’ll break it down for you: >>>> >>>> 1 my husband and I have been married for 5 years started trying for a baby a year ago, we have a baby on the way 3 weeks ago my husband died in a car accident, we in no way used an egg donor. >>>> >>>> Respect read what has been written before you make such negative assumptions when you Cleary lack education if you can’t understand what I wrote please seek some positive thoughts have a great day

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EuphoricSwimming3911 (downvoted) > "Just in case of pre-eclampsia as my egg donor had it." Lmao what? For the love of God. That's not how that works you moron. Also, what happened to yall were trying to get pregnant, but didn't want anyone to know because it's weird to tell people you're having a lot of sex? Now all of a sudden it was an egg donor? You can't even keep your fake story straight FFS. > > OOP >> 1) I literally wrote my first post that I was pregnant? Secondly >> >> 2) my husbands dead? >> >> 3I don’t know why you’re so upset about my pregnancy like relax maybe instead of being a negative Nelly join a positive sub Reddit 🫶🏼

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Update 2 - after 1 month, 23 days (after 1 month, 16 days from last post)

^(December 23, 2024)

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Update 2: Aita for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

thank you to everyone who helped me with my issues about Leigh and the others. It’s over I was attacked and suffered greatly.

I lost my baby a month ago and I will be logging off for a while.

I wish everyone a merry Christmas and a happy new year.

Thank you for the kindness, enjoy your holidays

- J

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COMMENTS

onlyinarainstorm > Hope you're okay OP > > OOP >> Thank you, I’m on a healing journey and I am safe 🫶🏼

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NEW UPDATE

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Final Update - after 1 year, 11 months, 1 day (after 1 year, 9 months, 8 days from last post)

^(October 01, 2026)

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Update: Aita for walking out on a blind date 2 weeks after my husband died

Hi everyone, if you remember me It’s been a while and Ill try to make this as short as possible

two years ago I was going through what I felt was the worse year of my life. and i’m finally at a point in my life where I can speak about it without any repercussions on my mental health.

So let’s start with the trio, immediately after my mother-in-law yelled at them ,Leigh and Barry continued to try and reach me online, in person ( if I was in town) and through whatever mutual friends we had left. it got to a point where they started sending massive amounts of baby items to my old home with letters and letters I think the most they sent in a week was like sixty-eight it was crazy, I didn’t have to deal with the stress of it as my In-laws dealt with it for me bless their souls.

However Leigh did try to corner me at one point in person crying and apologetic about what happened with Liam ( as if she wasn’t the puppet master) and that she wanted us to go back to before all of the mess, I pushed passed her staring through her and that seemed to make her even more upset and incoherent but I walked away and left her there.

one night my in-laws and I decided to go to the pub for good old pub feed, now I’m still not sure if they stalked me or someone told them I was there but Liam, Barry and Leigh all came into the pub and tried to sit at the table over from us, my in-laws and I immediately got up and started walking to out and back to Louise’s car, my farther in law was right behind me the trio followed us out and was yelling I was told to ignore them and keep walking, as we did i hear my farther in law yelling and then this thud as I turn around Liam was trying to fight my farther in law, Liam was on top of him punching and Barry and Leigh was just standing there

Louise was beside her self running back to help my farther In law and I couldn’t just stand there and watch so I made a stupid decision and got involved I kicked Liam as hard as I could in his face and he fell back, I tried to grab my phone to call the police but Barry ran over to me and started beating the hell out of me I mean sometimes I can still feel him hurting me he knocked me clean out, fortunately some pub locals stepped in and stopped Liam and Barry and restrained them until the police arrived all three of them were arrested right there. Liam and Barry are currently serving time for what they did to my in laws and myself Leigh was also charged but was given probation and a massive restraining order. And I’ve made my peace with that.

In the hospital I was told that I was already in the process of a miscarriage before the assault and well getting my ass beat by grown man didn’t help. I was devastated my daughter didn’t deserve that, I didn’t deserve that. My farther in law only had a couple of cuts and bruises but he was ok as was Louise, they took me back home and nursed me back to health properly. I was an absolute wreck and I didn’t deserve the kindness and love my in laws gave me,

I told them to be mad at me, that the miscarriage was my fault and that I failed their son, they helped me get help and to stop blaming myself for situations I had no control over, they helped me with my statements to the police, selling my old house and with everything else. I could never make it up to them for what they have done for me and the memory of my daughter.

I moved into one of units on the property where I still live today, I work the farm and look after my in-laws and not to mention the sweet 10 year old spud who for his age will still keep you on your toes for a old dog, i miss my husband every day of my life and I know he’s looking after our daughter until I can see them again, I will never ever get over losing them both but I am learning on how to live with it, I made new friends and I’m truly starting to live my life again, I will look after my in-laws until they don’t want me too, they are my family and I love them dearly. It took some real hard work to get where I am, I even over came my agoraphobia believe me I am still a working progress I take every day a step at a time. Pretty much everyone in our small town knows what happened and Leigh’s parents are now on the outs for supporting her but other than that I’m glad they aren’t my problem anymore and I’m living my life without anything but peace.

Sorry for any Typos I’m on my phone sorry! Also thank you to everyone who reached out to me i genuinely appreciated, I won’t be posting anymore after this so this is goodbye.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/offmychest by user heartbrokenaccount26. I'm not the original poster.

This BORU was suggested by /u/jackieatx

Status: Concluded

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># Original September 11, 2026

I just can't believe this is happening.

My [25F] fiancé [27M] has new friends and they are not good people. They scare me. It took me a while to see it, and maybe I'm stupid because I didn't notice right away but I see it now. He met someone through one of his hobbies and eventually this person introduced my fiancé to some of his other friends. At first I convinced myself it was a just a misunderstanding on my part but now I know better. If I try to bring it up with my fiancé he just shuts me down or says I'm imagining things.

I'm not imagining it. I've seen racist tattoos on at least two of them. It might not be overt if you don't know what you are looking for, but if you search online it's clear what the tattoos mean. I've been looking up some of these new friends on social media and their accounts are full of posts about purity and traditional values. My fiancé has become obsessed with this American podcaster who is openly racist and doesn't try to hide it. I've heard these new friends talk about immigration in a negative way and now my fiancé brings it up a lot when he never cared about it before. They also talk about traditional values and gender roles and my fiancé brought up how nice it is if a woman stops working after she gets married. He backtracked and said he was just making a general comment after I got upset with him and we argued, but I can't stop thinking about it. He keeps saying I'm imagining things or that "you're the one who is obsessed since you keep bringing it up."

He's gone down a road that I can't follow. I love him but I can't marry him now. His comments about traditional gender roles and me not working are bad enough but his talk about "purity" is disgusting (and it is racist and exactly the kind you are thinking of, anyone who says otherwise is just as bad as my fiancé and his friends). I can't get through to him, he won't listen to me. I'm going to break up with him. My sister is the only one who knows so far. I'm not ready to tell anyone else but I will after I move out. I just wanted to get this out somewhere. It just hurts so much.

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># Comments by OOP:

He used to vote and politically support the opposite way of the views he has now. He had friends and flatmates who are different races than us. He was the best man when his brother married another man. He's changed since he met these people but he wasn't always like this.

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He wasn't always this way. He was involved in a political party that is the opposite of the beliefs he holds now. When I met him, his flatmates at the time were different races and he called them his best friends. He was also the best man in his brother's wedding, and his brother married a man. I don't know what happened to make him change into such a monsterous person but it broke my heart. He wasn't the man I fell in love with and I don't know what happened to him.

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Yes, his family knows (and none of them support or agree with him).

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># Update September 30, 2026, 19 days later

I (25F) have left him (27M) and cancelled everything related to our wedding. I am staying with my cousin and her husband until I can find a flat for myself and get my life in order. There is still a lot I have to do, my life is a big mess right now. When I told him I was leaving, he just kept saying over and over that he "didn't understand" or that I was the one who was "obsessed" not him, because I was the one who was always bringing it up. I did not stay for very long after I told him I was leaving. I left our flat after I told him I would not be marrying him and thar our relationship was over. I haven't seen or spoken to him since I returned with my cousin to get the rest of my things, three days after I told him I was leaving (my cousin has a car and I do not and there were some things I could not carry). I haven't had contact with him since that day and I never want to see him again. He disgusts me with his horrible beliefs and talk about purity.

[I would like to address and clarify two things that were mentioned in the comments of my first post. First was that the tattoos were definitely racist and I wasn't "misunderstanding" anything. Examples include the number 88, a series of dots that look like nothing but form a swastika when they are all connected, or slogans written in German or other languages. I could go on. Second, my former fiancé wasn't always like this. We first met at a political rally for a cause that is the opposite of his horrible new beliefs. He had flatmates that were not white and he called them his best friends. He was the best man when his brother got married to a man. I don't know what changed to make him turn into such a monster but he wasn't always like this. Now he says his former flatmates should "go back" because they would be more comfortable among "their own kind" even though they were born here. He also says his brother never should have gotten married. I'm heartbroken for his family because they are good people who would never condone his beliefs and his brother doesn't deserve this. My former fiancé was obsessed with an American podcaster who has the most horrid views you can imagine and his new beliefs were not something I could ever live with. I appreciate all the support I got on my other post.]

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># Comment by OOP:

One of his new friends had an 88 tattoo, and when I pointed out what it meant to my former fiancée he said 8 is just his friend's favourite number and I'm the one who is making an innocent tattoo into something hateful. (Nevermind that this friend followed many social media accounts that had racism or racist imagery on them)

My former fiancé would tell me I'm the one who was obsessed with race or purity because I saw it in everything him and his new friends did. He said I was the one making innocent or mundane things about race and I got tired of him being in denial and making me out to be the problem.

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I'm not the original poster.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/LadyAce1988

My (29F) husband's (29M) new coworker (26F) has a crush on him, he isn't interested in her, but doesn't see anything wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work.

Original Post - rareddit  July 27, 2018

My husband and I have been together for 15 years, married for 11, and I 100% trust him. The problem is I'm not a fan of his friendship with his new coworker. She's extremely drawn to him- she eats or attempts to eat lunch with him, often follows him around at work, and asks him questions about his home life (including our marriage and kids), etc. He's an attractive guy, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women, so he's trying to ignore it like he usually does. However, he still purposely spends a lot of time with her at work, he says she's a hard worker and work actually gets done when she's around, so he doesn't want to mess that dynamic up. He's even invited her to lunch outside of work (which he does with all of his friends), and yesterday, he invited her to our house for a small barbecue we're having with friends.

He sees nothing wrong with hanging out with her at or outside of work, he's upfront about being married, but I feel like he's sending her mixed signals. She's never touched him, said anything sexual, or been overtly inappropriate, but I saw the way she looked at him the one time I met her, and I feel like shes reading more into their relationship than there actually is. Like while its platonic to him, she obviously has a crush on him. I get that to him, she's just a friend, and I have no problem with him having female friends, but I do have a problem with him borderline leading her on. I've talked to his other female coworkers about it, and they also agree she sees their friendship as more than a friendship, and him inviting her out to lunch alone isn't a good idea.

I know there's nothing inappropriate going on with them on his end, but I'm still kind of annoyed that he isn't listening to me or other coworkers/friends. He feels like I'm overreacting and have nothing to worry about, because we're happily married and he's not interested in her. And I do believe him, he's never given me a reason not to trust him, and he's a genuinely nice guy who befriends everyone.

So I am confused how to handle this. I trust him, so am I wrong to feel annoyed about their friendship? If I'm not, what can I say to him to get him to see how being her friend isn't really fair to her?

TL;DR- My husband is a nice guy and is friends with a coworker who has a crush on him. It's just a platonic relationship to him, but she's reading more into their relationship than there actually is. I think he's accidentally leading her on by going out to lunch with her outside of work, but he thinks I'm overreacting.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP added in the comments

> Thanks, I probably should have included this in the post, but he is in the Marines. With his coworkers, we're each others houses often, we lived on base with most of them until a few months ago, we go to each others parties and barbecues, our kids are all friends, etc. He's pretty much treating her just like his other coworkers, he regularly goes out to lunch with them too, even female Marines, but none of them are romantically interested in him. A lot of them joke around about how hot he is, but after working with him for a few weeks, they just got used to him and that was it, he was just another Marine to them after that. > > And you're right, I'm concerned. Usually we get along pretty great, if I'm upset, he listens. He is being disrespectful, and if he doesn't listen I'll definitely make an appointment with a counselor. Nothing too terrible has happened yet, and we have 3 soon to be 4 kids, I want them to know their parents have a happy, loving, and respectful marriage. And I just bought that book on kindle, thanks.

Update  Aug 1, 2018 (5 days later)

I tried talking to him about the relationship with Maria soon after I posted that. I told him I'm extremely uncomfortable with him getting closer to her, and he said I don't need to worry, he's used to getting a lot of attention from women so he's ignoring it. So I said that wasn't good enough for me. He was quiet for a second but handed me his phone and said I could look through all 4 months of texts, and they were all work related except for 2 about lunch, which I knew about.

A couple days ago, he got off of work early because I'm pregnant, and he wanted to come to my prenatal visit. He walked in the house, and as soon as he saw me, he started telling me what happened at work that day.

He hadn't told everyone at work I was pregnant yet, so I left it up to him to decide when to tell everyone else. He announced to everyone in the hangar (he's in the Marines and does aircraft maintenance) that we were expecting our 4th child, so that's why he was going to be getting off early to go to a prenatal visit. Everyone congratulated him or made jokes- except for Maria. She was excited to see him and was talking his ear off while they were fixing something, but as soon as she heard we were expecting, she got angry, got an attitude when he asked her to grab a part for him, and spent the rest of the day avoiding him. Their other coworkers noticed this too.

He said he was honestly confused at first, and he thought "Why is she mad? It's not like we're together, I'm married and she knows this." But then it hit him that this wasn't just a friendship to her, and that even though he didn't intend to, he had crossed a line. He kept going back over the past 4 months in his head, wondering what he said and did to let this happen, because he felt like he had treated her like his other friends. And said he knew there were things he shouldn't talk about with her- he never talked about our marital problems-, because he knew confiding in someone like that could lead to problems, and he never touched her, not even a handshake or hug, because he didn't want to lead her on.

Then I showed him the comments on my post. We discussed boundaries and comment about how relationships are based on the intent of both parties- that a friendship is when two people agree to be platonic, but with Maria, he may think they're friend's, but obviously Maria wants more. So if only one person thinks its a friendship, then it's NOT a friendship. He agreed with that, said it made sense, and he's sorry he didn't think of that on his own. He also said he sees how it could appear to be the beginnings of an emotional affair, but promised it wasn't one, he was just an idiot who thought it was possible to be friends with someone who wanted a romantic relationship if he just ignored that part.

I told him I just felt extremely disrespected, especially since he had invited her to our house for a barbecue we are having, and our children and friends/coworkers will be there. He just kept apologizing, and said at the time he didn't fully understand why I was upset because she was just a friend to him, but now he gets it, and she's not invited anymore.

Then he said should have known a friendship can't work if only one person thinks they're friends, apologized for not listening to me and for naively thinking he had everything under control, promised it wouldn't happened again, and said he loved me. We had to leave for my appointment then, but decided in the car that sometime in the next month, we're taking a kid free trip somewhere.

He texted Maria that night that he wanted to keep their relationship professional, which she didn't take so well, so work for him has been interesting for the past couple days, but he said as long as our marriage is strong and I'm happy, he's okay with that. He's planned a date night for this weekend, and his mom's flying in from Norway this month to watch our 3 girls while we go to Las Vegas. So everything is good now. :)

tl/dr: My husband thought having a platonic relationship with a coworker who wanted a romantic relationship was okay. He announced I was pregnant at work, she got angry, and he realized she was so upset because it wasn't just a friendship to her. We discussed why I was so upset and felt disrespected about their friendship, and he said he gets it now, apologized to me, and now we're better and taking a kid free trip to Las Vegas later this month.

FINAL COMMENTS

methylenebluestains

>If Maria continues to throw a fit, ask him to speak to his GySgt and let them know what has been going on. I have no idea if she's the vindictive type, but it's not worth risking his career to find out. They may be able to shift her to a different shop or place him in an admin job (not great for promotions, but it'll mean more free time to help you with the arriving baby)

OOP

>>He talked to him today. He's keeping an eye on it, and a few of the guys he works with are too, so if anything happens, it'll be dealt with immediately.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA2222777888

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: August 28, 2026

• Final Update: September 27, 2026

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Main Post

^(August 28, 2026)

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My 28F Fiancée Moved out with our 28F roommate while I 28M was at work today

I've been dating my fiancée for nearly 10 years at this point we met when we were college freshman and started dating 3 weeks after meeting. I'll admit our relationship wasn't always perfect but we made it work.

we went through ups and downs together all throughout college. I wasn't always the most loving partner but I tried to be extremely supportive to her when times were tough. I tried to help her in every way I possibly could. When we graduated I moved back home because I was better off in my hometown trying to find a career that would match my degree. My fiancée followed moved out to my area about a year after I started my career and we were able to afford to rent a decent town house.

She was very insistent that I propose to her and expressed she'd be mad if she made it past 9 years without being proposed to. Last September I proposed to her and she said yes.

Fast forward to this week. We had an extremely fun weekend visiting friends in central PA. We were smiling, joking around with each other and just having a generally good time. When we got back home from this weekend trip I noticed our roommate's desk and pc had been moved out of the office. When I asked my partner about it she just brushed it off and told me "it's no big deal that our roommate wanted to play more pc games in their room." I thought it was odd but no big deal.

I had asked my Fiancée to help me wake up and get into work earlier this morning. She helped me get up and we left around 5:10 in the morning for our usual shifts. I got back at 2:10 this afternoon to discover the house looked emptier than usual. When I went around the house I discovered that all my possessions were untouched but my roommate's and my fiancée's were gone. I've tried texting and calling my fiancée but she won't respond. Neither will my roommate.

I was worried about letting my roommate move in. She's my fiancée's best friend and my fiancée would always take her side over mine. I felt sorry for her though because her fiancée was caught cheating on her this same time last year. This roommate started making my fiancée feel like I had unresolved red flags that I actively tried to correct throughout the year.

I just don't know what to do now. I had a whole life with her. She was the girl I wanted to marry and improve myself for. She showed no signs of wanting to leave or planning any of this. I feel totally blindsided.

We literally kissed each other this morning and said see you after work.

I'm sorry if this post is seems really scatter brained. I feel like my brain is moving at light speed.

TLDR: My fiancée of 10 years secretly moved out with her best friend while I was at work and ghosted me. Where Do I even go from here?

Edit 1: My ex roommate is a lesbian who clearly had feelings for my ex

Edit 2: My ExFiancee usually would wake up at 4:30 to leave at 5. I usually would wake up at my own at 5:30 to leave at 6. This was the one and only time I asked her to wake me up at 4:30.

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COMMENTS

NOTE: Comments are not included, as there were exactly 219 replies from OOP. I’ve summarized the comment section below instead. Including all of them would make the post far too long.

>The comments were mostly critical of OOP. Many felt the breakup was the result of long-standing issues he hadn't recognized, including household responsibilities, the emotional and mental load, the delayed proposal, his reliance on his partner to wake him up, and inconsistencies in his replies. > >Several commenters suspected there were "missing reasons" behind her sudden departure, although some also acknowledged that ghosting someone after ten years was harsh. OOP continued defending himself but gradually admitted that he had been a poor partner and needed therapy. Most commenters advised him to accept the breakup, seek therapy, avoid contacting her, and focus on himself.

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Final Update - after 1 month

^(September 27, 2026)

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28F fiancee left me 28M while I was at work update

Sorry for the late update everyone. I’ve been trying to figure out a lot over the past 4 weeks but have pieced together a lot about my relationship.

The day My ex left me I called one of our mutual friends who knew my ex for 13 years. She said she had no idea my ex was going to do any of this and this must be an emergency if I’m calling, because I rarely call people. This friend immediately texted my ex and all she got back was “don’t open anything from him.” When this friend tried to make sure my ex was safe and asked a few more questions my ex refused to respond.

The day after My ex ghosted me, she sent me a long scathing email with a ton of revisionist and false history. We had our first kiss 3 months into the relationship. She claimed we didn’t kiss until 6 years in? She also told me that she was working with the landlord to pay her half of the rent and that she would send me money to clean the townhouse because she knew she had trashed it.

On Saturday, mutual friends showed up to help me clean. They saw the absolute mess my ex and ex roommate had left behind. When we were cleaning, we found my ex’s old phone she was going to wipe and give me as an android emulation device. My ex’s friend of 13 years decided to open discord that was still installed on the phone.

When the chat between my ex and my ex-roommate was uncovered it was discovered that my ex was smearing all of us behind our backs. Some of the texts were so horrific that my friends started crying. It was like my ex hated all her friends. It was terrible. We also discovered that my ex had been planning on ghosting me since March of this year. She was only staying because she wanted to keep my hopes for marriage up and wanted to see how much I could take before I cracked. She thought that it was so funny that I was so obedient to her.

Everyone blocked her. They were absolutely disgusted and betrayed.

I’ve had a lot of time to reflect on what I’ve been through over the past 10 years. There were multiple red flags that I missed. This includes the fact that when I originally posted this on Thursday, she left that I framed myself as the bad guy in the post.

So, when we first met in college she and I had a smaller friend group that was an all-women friend group. Everyone seemed really laid back and I got along well with the group. My ex always described having a lot of anxiety and I put so much time and effort into trying to ease her anxiety and just be there for her.

When I was able to ease her anxiety, she was happy and would tell me how great I was and how much she adored me. Problems arose whenever I tried to set boundaries or had any time to myself. I studied biology and would sometimes have to miss hanging out with her in the evenings or skipping out on events because I was cramming for my exams. I would warn my ex ahead of time, but she was always convinced she could get me to come out of my room despite seeing her 6/7 days that week already. She would accuse me of abandoning her, she would say I didn’t love or appreciate her at all and how she was more important than my exams.

We’d sometimes get into blow out fights over text because I just wanted her to respect my boundaries and my time. She’d air out our dirty laundry to our friends and painted me to be a villain. She blamed me for her feeling empty and anxious when I was spending upwards of 49 hours with her per week. I took her on dates, I took her stargazing, I made her feel special. She either saw me as entirely good or totally evil with no in-between.

Things really hit the fan when we first started living together but I was just so blind to it. Around 2019 we got an apartment together. There would be days when she would wake up and refuse to talk to me. I would ask her if I did anything wrong. I would ask her if I could do anything for her and I would beg her to talk through any problems she thought the relationship had. She would refuse to even speak or look at me.

When we would go to bed for the night she would say, “oh you’re funny we’re not sleeping until you can figure out why I’m upset with you.” If I fell asleep before I could pry the information out of her, she’d punch the mattress and yell “you haven’t figured it out yet.” I’d sometimes be up until 2am just trying to get what I did wrong out of her.

When I would finally get her to speak, she’d start the conversation out with “You’re not going to like this but….” we would then have a 2–3-hour conversation where she would blame all of her anxiety and problems on me and make me promise to improve although the details are blurry to me. I’d then wake up the next morning with no recollection of the conversation that we had that night. There were days when I was up from 7am-5am the next morning. She would always complain I wasn’t improving.

Whenever I’d point out the fact that I couldn’t remember our sleep deprived conversations she would say, “it’s not my fault you can’t remember what we talked about, but it’s your fault you’re not improving.” There were times in that apartment where I’d do something wrong and she’d fly off the handle. She threw plates, she dropped a bookcase on my foot because we were struggling to move it and it was taking too long. She then started flailing her arms and had a huge crying fit that really freaked me out. She told me I wasn’t doing enough to comfort her but looking back I was so scared of being hit or screamed at.

Post-graduation, when we moved back to my hometown, I took on the full financial weight of the household. I work a decent paying QC chemist job but I’m on my feet all day and I’m usually running around a facility grabbing reagents or standards. I was working out on top of being active at this job. My ex worked 3 different jobs in three years. Her first two jobs she worked in an office environment. She would leave after me but get home before me most days and wasn’t constantly on her feet.

I’d call my ex on my way back from work and my commute was about half an hour. When I got back, the first thing I’d want to do was sit on the couch for half an hour and relax a little. I wasn’t allowed to do that. My commute home was my time to decompress and relax. “I mean how hard is your commute if you can call your girlfriend while you drive.” My ADHD medication would’ve been wearing off at that point in my day too.

I was told that since I was medicated for ADHD, I should be able to function and either cook dinner or help with dishes the second I got home. I told her so many times that’s now how the medication works. She was never diagnosed with ADHD but claimed to have it after I was diagnosed. She said since she’s not medicated and can cook and clean the kitchen, I should be able to as well. She completely ignored the fact I’d clean the living room, bathroom and dining areas after dinner.

I met with a therapist. I showed them my text conversation with my ex, and I told them about the kind of conditions I lived through in college and post-graduation. My ex most likely had BPD and had a high conflict personality. She was always anxious because of her BPD and no matter what I would’ve done it would’ve never been enough because she kept moving goal posts. My ex-roommate was another high conflict personality that my ex always validated, and they formed an extremely toxic codependency.

I provided stability and since I was a people pleaser by nature. She felt like she could take advantage of me.

Other minor details She ghosted the landlord. Since she didn’t respond to him trying to contact her and see if she completely vacated the property her lease is now under abandonment status.

The landlord is actively trying to help me get out of the lease without penalty.

The joint account is gone, and I have myself on my own insurance, and everything else that is necessary.

It took her 20 days to realize that her friends blocked her and effectively deplatformed her. The only people my ex has left in her life now are her bestie and her mom. Some of my friends found her secret tumblr last week and saw that she was upset that she has no friends now. We’re all happy the trash took itself out. She called me shitty in her posts because I told our friends what happened to me on day one. She’s also upset I’m not chasing her for some reason?

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COMMENTS

ItsNotPatchy > Wow. What a piece of work. Thank goodness you dodged that homing missle. Fuuuuck what a mess. > > Don't block her number, just mute it. She seems unstable and it may be nice to have some evidence incase for a TRO. > > OOP >> Noted! I had her blocked at the carrier level before, but I’ll just make sure her calls are muted. >> >> Also yeah, I’m really happy I don’t have to marry her now. I can’t imagine how she would’ve handled a divorce. >> >> ItsNotPatchy >>> Imagine kids worth her.
>>> The thought gives me the awful chills. >>> >>> Cute-Boobie777 >>>> Its partially genetic too.  >>>> >>>> Shit I don't think I want kids and thats just because one side has a ton of anxiety and depression. Do I really want to bring someone else into the world to live like this? Not really.  >>>> >>>> OOP >>>>> Oh she’s an exact copy of her mom. Her mom is a deeply unstable person and went through 3 marriages in 30 years. It’s something about the 10-year mark with this family. I watched it happen to my ex’s stepdad. Her mom fully resented that man out of the blue one day. >>>>> >>>>> My kids are going to have adhd but I can’t imagine my kids ever acting the way she did to another human being. I would be profoundly disappointed and embarrassed.

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PaulPhxAz > Is this undiagnosed mental illness? > > OOP >> My ex refused to get diagnosed by anyone. She claimed her only problem was undiagnosed ADHD. >> >> I tried to get her to do a full psych evaluation like I did when I got diagnosed with ADHD 7 years ago. She refused to do one.

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This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

We’ve been friends since high school. Last year, his wife gave birth to their first child, and almost immediately, he started sleeping with a young intern from his branch office.

He didnt even bother hiding it from our private group chat. He would brag about lying to his wife while she was at home struggling with postpartum recovery, sending gross texts about his hotel hookups on "work trips." The other guys in the chat stayed silent or laughed along, but it made me sick to my stomach.

i created a throwaway encrypted email, compiled unedited screenshots of his messages and the hotel receipts he bragged about, and sent everything straight to his wife.

She filed for divorce two days later, secured full custody, and kicked him out. He currently sleeps on his cousin’s couch and calls me every night crying, begging to know which "snake" betrayed him and destroyed his family.

I listen to him sob on speaker while playing video games, tell him "stay strong bro," and hang up with absolutly zero guilt.

Some people deserve to lose everything.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/shenanigansarefun

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & AmITheAngel

AITA my sister keeps having miscarriages and I’ve run out of sympathy + 7-year update

Thanks to u/kimisahomosexual for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: >!cancer, death of a loved one, mentions CSA, manipulation, verbal abuse!<

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Original Post: October 7, 2019

I’m 28. I had one miscarriage with an accidental pregnancy with my ex 6 years ago. It turned out to be a blessing because my ex was verbally abusive and psychological. I was pretty emotional about my miscarriage at the time, so I understand how heartbreaking it is.

We’re going to call my older sister Julia. She is 8 years older than me and has a twin Peggy. Peggy has two kids. They are miracles. Peggy had her first child and then 4 miscarriages after before having her son. Julia was quite rude to us, not really caring about our miscarriages and making comments like get over it. All that changed until she lost her first pregnancy. She never apologized for how she treated ya but wanted all the attention and sympathy for her own miscarriage. Julia has one son who is almost two. She has subsequently suffered 4 more first trimester miscarriages since then. She gets pregnant almost immediately but can’t sustain them. She’s seeing a fertility specialist who has done genetic testing. I feel bad for her. Everyone has suggested to her to take some time off trying to conceive and let her body heal. She’s had two miscarriages since June. We recognize her losses and reach out and ask what we can do to help her. Even if it’s just watching her son

I don’t want children anymore. I had the start of cervical cancer so I may not be able to have any anyway. For some women this is a huge loss, for me I feel okay in the fact I may not have kids. They aren’t a huge want for me. My sister has known this before she even got pregnant. I like having the freedom to sleep in on days off etc. freedoms having a child would take away.

Julia came to visit yesterday. Julia has a very strained relationship with everyone. She’s very rude, condescending, pushes peoples buttons and just acts ultimately that she’s above everyone. She will come to your home and rearrange crap because she doesn’t like it where it is, or tell you your shortcomings. She’s not above making weight comments or physical attribute comments. I see her as little as possible because I can’t handle her bad behavior.

Yesterday she said something that really pushed my buttons. I lost my dog and cat in a month period due to old age and medical conditions. They were my babies. She said you can just get a new one. I told her to leave. I wanted to say you can just get a new baby, so she knows how her comment made me feel. I’m sick of hearing about her fertility woes and told her so. Our one sister is no contact with her. She has no problems being mean to us without thinking twice, but when someone doesn’t give her all the sympathy in the world it’s an issue.

AITA for essentially telling her I don’t give a crap about her fertility issues after she made a rude comment to me

Verdict: Everyone Sucks

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some for more context

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: ESH. Your sister sounds like a rude person but a person who has had to deal with a ton of trauma. You also sound like a rude person who can’t muster compassion because they feel insulted. You all suck.

> OOP: We’ve all had trauma. Her twin had miscarriage. > > Our other sister had cancer at 16. I had cancer and a miscarriage and other let issues I don’t want to delve into right now. > > Trauma isn’t an excuse for anyone to be rude or an asshole. I’ve had compassion Before for her but it’s hard for all of us too because of the comments she’s made about our own miscarriages and the way she regularly treats everyone. > > Guess we all suck

Commenter 2: Yeah that’s all terrible and I feel for ALL of you. Including her. You should all try to be nicer to each other.

> OOP: It just hard when she’s made so many mean unprovoked comments. Told a 15 year old she needs to wash her face more. Or her sisters that they are getting fat. Or it’s her sisters fault her husband cheated on her. It’s a collective years’ worth of anger everyone has towards her. > >> Commenter 3: Go no contact. If you don’t have anything nice to say to each other, don’t say anything at all. The only reason you’re in each other’s lives is the fact that you have the same parents. Take that away and would you still hang out with each other? >> >>> OOP: I want to have a relationship with her son my nephew. Only reason I still speak to her

OOP on her sister brushing off everyone's lives and issues

> OOP: I’m sick of her brushing off everyone else’s lives and issues saying they aren’t as bad as her miscarriages. I’m sick of her nasty behavior as a whole. I loose sympathy for her traumas because of her past and present actions. Her fertility issues suck and are tragic but I’m tired of her using them at every issue as an excuse to be mean or her comments are excused because she deals with a lot

OOP on her sister's responses on everyone else who had miscarriages

> OOP: it's hard for me to feel sympathetic when she was so cruel about everyone else’s miscarriages. She told us to get over it and when it happened to her she felt the pain. > > She won’t give her body a break to heal between trying to conceive. Nothing else matters besides her miscarriages. For instance we have a sister group chat with the five of us. Someone can say they are having a bad day, and she will ignore you and speak about her issues constantly

OOP and her family's relationships with Julia

> OOP: I don’t like her. My mother doesn’t like her own child. There are five of us girls and we don’t have a good relationship with Julia. We do all suck in ways I agree. But if six people have an issue with Julia and how she treats us are we all the asshole? Or does it point to issues with Julia’s personality and behavior

OOP's family history with miscarriages

> OOP: I had a miscarriage already. They are common in my family. I had to have a d and c and was as risk for bleeding uncontrollably because my body did not recognize the miscarriage. I have scar tissue on my cervix from the biopsies and leeps. Never said I was not fertile still. Doctor told me I have a higher risk of preterm labor. It would be irresponsible for me to get pregnant but not impossible. (editor’s note: leep = loop electrosurgical excision procedure, a professional term of using an electrified wire tool to scrape away precancerous or cancerous cells from the cervix. Usually done outpatient.)

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> Julia and Peggy are twins. Julia is mean to myself, her twin, and our other two sisters. Peggy and I have both experienced miscarriages. Peggy has multiple Along with Julia. Julia was cruel to myself and Peggy when we had miscarriages saying get over it. She changed her tune when she herself has had multiple now. She never apologized for treating us like crap . She gets mad when we don’t acknowledge all her fertility treatments and don’t know what to say about her losses other then we are sorry.

Had Julia been diagnosed with a condition that could result into having miscarriages?

> OOP: As a teen the doctor said she has Von Willebrand disease. Several doctors checked her with clotting tests and got mixed results so I’m not sure it’s a true diagnosis. They put her in the hospital for dental procedures and watch her carefully for any medical procedure with risk of bleeding. I’m not sure if Leiden factor and vwd are similar

OOP shares more about how she deals with grief

> OOP: For some people it is more important or tragic to them then a human dying. I can’t judge someone for feeling that way. It’s s loss of unconditional love and constant companion ship for some. I’ve talked to coworkers, friends, family and some have said similar things that they felt worse when their beloved pet died then a family member. > > Grief is weird, grief presents differently and affects people uniquely. I’m not here to argue about what level of pain is acceptable for human to pet loss. All I know is it sucks. > > My dad sexually abused me and physically and mentally hurt my sisters so I probably wouldn’t give a shit if he died. > > And I’ve been fortunate enough to not really loose anyone close to me to death. My grandparents all passed when I was a young child. > > I work in a nursing home seeing death every day. I am more desensitized to human death. I see it all the time. I am there and comfort families and residents who have lost their spouse. I check on them regularly after my shift. But for me, no, I do not feel extreme grief when people pass away

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> Because I’ve had distant friends died. My mom’s dad died when I was 1. Her mother died when I was older. We were not close. My dad’s dad died when I was 15. I just did not shed a lot of tears of grief. > > Most of the residents I deal with I am friendly with. I talk to them and make them as happy and comfortable in their final days. A lot of them are very ill or terminal and got their families it is a relief when they pass away. It sucks and I cry but I don’t feel heart wrenching pain because I know they are no longer . suffering or are in severe pain . > > That being said I had my dog almost a decade. She was the equivalent to a child to me. I made her cakes on her birthday and spoiled her rotten. I probably will think of her ten years down the line. I’m getting her paw print tattooed on my arm. She is important to me and the only support I had and close relationship beside my boyfriend. > > Grief is different for everyone. Some people love their pets like crazy. Maybe I will feel as broken as I am now when my mother or sisters die. I can’t predict how I will deal with that. That being said we have different views on this. I wish you all the happiness and a good day

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Update: September 22, 2026 (nearly seven years later)

Editor's note: OOP updated in a different subreddit's comment box

So since this post is getting traction I decided to give everyone an update 7 years almost later.

No unfortunately the deaths and miscarriages are not fake.

My one sister developed colon cancer when she was 16 years old. She has thankfully not had a relapse . She is now in her mid-40s

Unfortunately six years from my original post my mother my mother died last year after an almost four year battle with pancreatic cancer . Unfortunately the cancer stories are real . My family history of cancer and precancerous issues are very real unfortunately.

Julia had her son. Julia went on to have two twin daughters shortly conceived. Within a year of that post

with the help of fertility treatments and progesterone and other blood clotting treatments and successfully had her daughters

To clear up about my health. I had a leep procedure along with a cervical cone biopsy. Two lesions of CIN 2 and a third that was stage 1A1. I had to be closely monitored for a year with Pap smears after my procedures. Luckily it was all treated and cared for I did not have to have any more procedures after the year mark.

I had my miscarriage when I was in my very young 20’s. My family does have a history of having miscarriages.

To clear up my relationship with Julia here goes. Julia is 8 years older than me. We grew up without our father in the picture. My father has a history of domestic abuse charges, and mental illness. So it was just my mom raising us girls. Julia has always had a history of not getting along with us. Julia has way toned it down over the years, but since my mid-teens my other sisters and I would hear comments from Julia regarding our weights, bodies, education, personal health issues, intelligence levels that were unnecessary and hurtful. She did not experience empathy for our miscarriages at the times they happened because I believe she didn’t know the pain and hurt of it until she experienced it herself.

Looking back almost 7 years from my original post, I can definitely see I was in a place of grief and hurting from losing my Pets. I do want to clarify that I know that losing a child is NOT the same as a pet and I never told her to just try to get a new one (child) . That was a thought I wanted to say in hurt but never did because I at the time wanted her to know how damaging that sentence could make you feel.

I am not perfect at all. I have a history of CPTSD, anxiety, depression, insomnia and ADHD . I have been in therapy since those posts.

I don't and never believed that women that suffer from miscarriages and fertility issues are evil despite what people are saying. Almost seven years on the relationship with my sister Julia is that of fair weather. I talk to her about twice a year. I feel like the years of damage has been done on both our ends and it’s easier to stay away because of resent from feelings been dismissed or told they aren’t valid. Since the death of our mother we do not have a relationship other then talking once every six months or so on the phone. My sisters and our relationships have fallen apart in the loss of our beautiful mom.

Editor’s note: OOP did not leave any comments regarding this update

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DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is a repost. The original was posted in /r/GirlDinnerDiaries by user ladyrageofunluckland. I'm not the original poster.

Status: Concluded

Editor's Note: All the updates were made in the same posting in the time span of 3 hours.

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># Original September 28, 2026

He took me to an arcade. Both in our mid-thirties. Only let him pick me up neighborhoods away from my actual home address.

Was having a decent time until I asked him about his political views. Then he added another red flag by gloating about beating someone up and leaving them on the street bloody recently. And then he took extreme issue with my opinion that children are not capable of consent. This man was actually shouting at me that I have a coddled world view and have no idea what I’m talking about. At that point, I literally stood up and politely ended the date. Should have left the building but I ran into the bathroom to hide instead.

He immediately starts blowing up my phone, demanding to know if I had left already and to come to his car out front. My only and last text to him was to state ‘no hard feelings, but our differing views weren’t going to work out in the longterm.’ And lied I got in a cab home already.

He continued to blow up my phone, claiming he thought I enjoyed arguing.

Asked a lady leaving the bathroom to flag one of the employees to come to the bathroom.

Thank you to the lady - a server came right up and I asked her for help to exit the building from a back entrance. She alerted the arcade manager and security. Thank you to server and manager and security - though there’s no back exit, they kept watch on him outside for me and took me to a closed section of the building to wait safely. They alerted me once he drove away an hour later. And the staff told me to stay as long as I wanted, along with many offers of security escorting me to my station and even calling a cab for me.

Dinner is fries and gingerale from the arcade while I continue to wait him out for a bit longer, just in case he parked behind a truck further down the block.

UPDATE: I will update when I actually make it home, some commenters have asked for that. I’m currently still here waiting because I have a gut feeling he parked further down when he probably noticed security watching him.

UPDATE 2: I made a run for it. Security walked up and down the street to double check for me. Ngl my heart jumped when I saw a car that looked like his, but it ended up being a different model. Sticking to 1 way streets. Will update when I’m on the bus.

UPDATE 3: I made it on the bus! The bus driver didn’t see me in the dark rain at first so I actually ran into the street waving my arm to flag him down. Home in 30min. Worser update: my girl several states over has been on the phone with me throughout this. She found several news articles linking his full name/age/location to a man who was arrested&charged with hurting his ex-gf’s dog during an argument with her and the dog ended up dying. What the fuck did I just dodge. This is surreal.

UPDATE 4: I’m home! Well, outside my apt building smoking (cbd, not nicotine or thc) to decompress. Express bus was fast this time at night, and my building has a night security man at the desk (who has protected me from other men that have tried to follow me into my building in the past) who sees me outside as well as in full view of the cameras. Smoking my 3rd ciggie as I read the articles about him. Thank you to everyone who shared their kind sentiments and stayed with me during the aftermath of this trash date. 🫶🏼 Back to being celibate!

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># Comments by OOP:

There were no flags in the car, we actually got along really well on the drive

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Im loaded with self defense tools, def not my first rodeo. Just finished my 3rd ciggie under this awning in the rain, about to pound my 4th

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Based off the articles, seems he’s already been locked up before

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I'm not the original poster.

I posted on here about a year ago that my wife has had too much cosmetic surgery and I was no longer attracted to her. I kept making excuses but eventually told her that she doesn’t look or feel like my wife anymore and I can’t do it. She said she didn’t want to be in a sexless marriage so we agreed to open it for her. I felt relieved if I’m honest as I still love her and never want to spend a day without her.

Over the past year she’s been with a couple of men and I thought she was enjoying herself. I’ve not been with anyone else and have no desire to.

Well last night she came to me and said she wants to close the relationship again and just wants sex with me and if I can’t do that she wants to divorce.

How do I get through this? I don’t want to lose her but I can’t force an attraction either.

TLDR: opened up the marriage as I don’t find my wife attractive tube after too much cosmetic surgery. She now wants to close it again and have sex with me but I can’t do it.

Edit; I’ve been told to add this to the post body. She used to get compared to Una Healey a lot. Now she constantly gets told she looks like Katie Price.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/Direct_Local_6094

Published on: r/whatdoIdo

Story is: CONCLUDED

Story timeline

• Main Post: July 20, 2026

• Final Update: September 26, 2026

---

Main Post

^(July 20, 2026)

---

My Mother-in-law wants to wear a "beige" dress to my mariage ceremony while telling me I don't need a white dress??

My mother-in-law decided to wear this off-white dress(first picture) to my civil ceremony day.

She emphasized that "it is beige" while she ADVISED that I "don't need a white dress" to wear for myself???????

She then sent me pictures of dresses that " I can choose from", (second pictures and onwards)???

Her dress looks like a dress that I can wear on MY mariage day, with the colour and lace-pattern.

I feel weird about this, am I the one who is the problem??? I'm honestly so confused about this.

When my fiancé told her that it's weird, she got defensive and sent a screenshot of the dress on the website and emphasized that " it is beige" and that my fiancé "needs glasses".

&nbsp;

Note: I've added a small caption describing what the photo is about.

---

Photos from the post start here

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1. A sleeveless, floor-length maxi dress crafted from a structured, heavy cream/off-white openwork crochet lace

2. A knee-length sheath dress with a grey/silver metallic floral pattern, paired with a matching dark grey, sheer chiffon cape overlay

3. A knee-length sleeveless white dress with a colorful all-over floral lace pattern in pink, yellow, blue, and green, finished with a scalloped floral hem.

4. A knee-length sleeveless A-line dress in dark charcoal grey, featuring a metallic silver floral pattern with large outlined flowers and leaves, and a V-neckline.

5. A knee-length burgundy/wine dress with a fitted waist, subtle tonal floral pattern, three-quarter sleeves, and a ruffled hem.

6. A knee-length A-line dress in deep ruby red, featuring a subtle sequined floral pattern, a scalloped neckline, and three-quarter sheer lace sleeves.

7. A knee-length royal blue wrap-style dress with a V-neckline, featuring sheer three-quarter sleeves with a raised floral appliqué pattern and a subtle textured floral finish.

---

Photos from the post end here

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&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Tiny_Custard_2318 (downvoted) > It is traditional for the groom’s mother to wear beige. My mother wore beige to my wedding. To me, this is normal and not worth an argument.
> > OOP >> May I ask what culture or tradition is that? Nothing wrong with that, but we are Canadian, so the culture is different.

---

elgalacticpeach > Are we absolutely certain the other dresses that she suggested were for you? > That she wasn't offering you the choice between other dresses for her to wear instead? > > OOP >> Yeah no, I wish. She already bought that "beige" dress for herself. When she first sent it, I actually thought she bought it for me. But NOPE, she said that's what SHE is going to wear.

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CheesecakeTop9376 > It looks like she picked "mother of the bride" style outfits for you. And that light dress she wants to wear is so bride coded. I'm so glad your fiance stood up to her and supported you. I say elope lol. > > OOP >> Ironically, all I have ever wanted is to elope because my family dynamics is complicated. But she forced us to invite her by saying shit like : " DONT tell me you guys are eloping!!!", "I WANT TO BE THERE." etc. Thinking back, we should have insisted on eloping instead of worrying about her going nuts. she is going nuts anyway.

---

Small update - after 1 day

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she went to the store this morning to snap a picture of her chosen dress (first picture) and a random white dress, had them side by side, sent it to my fiancé and said : "See! It's beige, not white!!!!"

I swear she is ragebaiting me.

---

Final Update - after 2 months, 6 days

^(September 26, 2026)

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Updates on MIL Beige Dress Post and what do we do now that they did not show up at our ceremony?

I have posted here before (the original post was taken down) about my MIL wanting to wear an off-white dress to our ceremony while telling me my dress didn't need to be white. She proceeded with sending me hideous dresses for 50+ for my day. So that's the context. But you know what?!

We got married TODAY and thanks to you all, I got myself a white dress!!! See attached! We had a ceremony at city hall and had some nice time at my mom's place, raised a glass and celebrated. Then, the two of us went out for dinner alone to celebrate our day.

But you know what happened? My MIL and FIL actually did NOT show up because my MIL didn't like that we wanted a romantic dinner alone on our wedding day.

For us, since we don't have an actual wedding, having dinner alone was all we wanted especially because we planned on eloping initially. But because my MIL insisted that she wanted to be at the ceremony, we changed our plans.

For us, that dinner alone was essential and meaningful to us and that was something we refused to sacrifice. So we stood our ground and she did NOT like that.

She said that we could wait and have a romantic LUNCH the day after. We tried to suggest going out for lunch and even dinner with them the day after, but nope. She needed that dinner (She herself eloped btw). So yeah anyway, she didn't want to come, and they did not come.

My heart is breaking for my now husband, and I just don't know what we are supposed to do or how we are supposed to act moving forward when they literally did not show up for their ONLY son and for me (their supposed now daughter) on our wedding day because of a freaking dinner.

What's even worse was that they didn't even send a congratulatory text or anything which was very hurtful.

I'm feeling frustrated, but to be honest, all things aside, today was the most beautiful day of my life and I couldn't be happier being married to the love of my life.

I shared a picture of myself in the dress, cuz you know what, Reddit kinda was the reason why I went to get myself a white bridal dress.

Love y'all!

Photo of OOP in her wedding dress

OOP Added a small update

MIL & FIL reached out yesterday to congratulate us. I didn't respond, but my husband did. He is still learning how to unlearn his patterns of endlessly giving and managing their emotions. So unfortunately, he did send them two pictures of us. I was not pleased as I feel that the pictures rewarded their behaviour of not showing up for my husband. After I reiterated that to him, he now understands better and said he would keep working on setting and reinforcing good boundaries with them. This is not an easy time for my husband, because we are talking about a toxic dynamic that has been ingrained in him for 20+ years. He is doing a great job recognizing the issues and he has been very receptive and open to hearing my thoughts.

Also, for context, the little gathering was at my mom's because my dad passed away a few months ago (it was lung cancer) and we felt that it would be meaningful to have a small gathering where we could raise a glass where I could still feel my dad's presence (I really wish my dad was able to be there to witness our marriage).

My MIL and FIL also live 2 hours away, and because the city hall and my mom's place are in the city we live in, naturally we wanted to have that little gathering in my mom's place.

My mom invited my MIL and FIL to this of course, but my MIL felt that it wasn't an "enough" occasion for her to come because there wasn't " a dinner " after. It's quite hurtful, because my MIL said: " I am not coming all the way here just for wine.".

My mom renovated and decorated the home to welcome them. We are from a very modest background, so my parents place (now my mom's place) is a modest medium-sized condo unit. My MIL was raised in an upper-class family, so part of me feels that my mother and I were looked down upon because "our invitation wasn't enough of an occasion for her to come" as if watching her only son getting married isn't enough of a reason.

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

OOP: u/ThrowRA_bereal

Published on: r/relationship_advice

Thank you u/pepcorn for the BORU recommendation!

Story is: ONGOING

Story timeline

• Main Post: September 13, 2026

• Update: September 25, 2026

---

Main Post

^(September 13, 2026)

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Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost seven months along. My BF (25M) is accusing my of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Sorry for the throwaway (edit: and the typo in the title).

Found out I’m pregnant some weeks ago, 7 months along now. I know it sounds so stupid (and maybe I am), but I genuinely had no idea. I don’t have a bump, had close to no symptoms (some in hindsight) & take the pill. Not once did it cross my mind that I might be pregnant.

Only recently I’d been struggling with headaches & was really exhausted, so had my blood work done. Since then life’s been an absolute mess.

BF & I have had some struggles before but nothing like this. (Been together for nearly 3 years and live together.) We had even spoken about what we’d do if we got pregnant despite protection & agreed we don’t want to be parents now (or later maybe). But this far along abortion is just not an option.

He’s so angry with me and I don’t know what to do. He’s been accusing me of knowing I was pregnant and hiding it to ‘trap’ him, or even getting pregnant on purpose. Says I ruined everything. I don’t even want this baby, I don’t want any of this. I thought it was just the initial shock but it’s been a few weeks now. And I know he’s been telling his family the same things. He’s said such harsh things but this is such an insane situation idk if I can blame him.

I’ve been trying to talk to him about like adoption, but he’s not engaging. With everything I also haven’t been sleeping much & am stressed (terrified) & emotional, so maybe I need to try & be more patient for him to come around?

When I ask him if our relationship is over he says no, but I don’t know. Do I even try to convince him?

Sorry

Edit: I’m beyond grateful, this already has so many more replies than I expected. I’m gonna stay with my friend for a little a bit to give us both some space and I’ll take it from there I think. Thank you for all the kind words and truths.

Sorry

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Little_Pigeon_343 > What a scary time! And he’s accusing you of lying and not supporting you? Put the man in the bin. > > Do you have family nearby to support you? > > Such a rough situation and hoping nothing but the best for you whatever you decide to do. > > OOP >> I do have some amazing friends who’ve offered I can stay with them for a bit. I didn’t want to ‘run away’ from this but I guess maybe some distance isn’t the worst idea >> >> Thank you for your comment

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Itsmeshlee29 > I would make plans for adoption. And I would leave him be for now. Not every problem can have a quick resolution. And pushing may have the opposite effect than you want. > > OOP >> Yeah that’s fair

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PerformerMindless100 > He doesn’t want to break up OR discuss adoption?? It means he just doesn’t want to be bothered > > OOP >> He says he’s not ready to deal with this yet

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HauntedBitsandBobs > It seems clear the relationship is over and honestly, it's in your best interest. Do you want to be a single mother? If not, adoption is your best bet. You may want to let him know in writing if that's what you chose so he can't make up more lies about it. > > On a safety note, it seems like he's having a hard time with this. Pregnancy and the end of relationships are very dangerous time periods. Communicate in writing, meet up only during the day in public with a friend or two nearby if absolutely necessary. > > OOP >> I don’t think he’d ever physically hurt me but I’ll keep this in mind, I promise

---

Update - after 12 days

^(September 25, 2026)

---

Update: Cryptic pregnancy, found out at almost 7 months. My BF (25M) is accusing me of lying and I (22F) don’t know what to do. Do I even try to salvage this?

Hi, it’s me again. I hope it’s okay I post this update, I can delete if not.

Thank you all so much for your comments. I was genuinely feeling all kinds of lost in this (still am I guess) and felt I needed to be patient with him because of the shock of evth.

I’m okay-ish. Still staying with my friend, she’s been an angel throughout all of this. Being away from him has been hard but at the same time has given me a lot of time to think.

We had another very bad fight right after I left and since then I’d barely heard from him. Day before yesterday he suddenly called, shouldn’t have picked up. Guess I was hopeful he’d come to his sense but he still blamed me for everything, but said we had to deal with this (my) mess.

I wish I had been stronger with it but I got emotional instantly. I did tell him I’m choosing adoption and how much he hurt me and ended the conversation after that. He’s been messaging occasionally since, sometimes sweet, sometimes not so much. I haven’t been replying. So that’s the update I guess: the relationship is over.

I’ve also heard from his mom and sister (his dad I never really spoke that much) and actually agreed to have a videocall with them because they had a hard time believing me. I don’t blame them for that and after seeing me they fully get it. They at least understand what cryptic pregnancy is.

Apparently he also told them I’ve cheated (I never did or would) but even they know I wouldn’t so that’s something. Hurt a lot though. I feel like that was the push I needed to stop replying to him.

They don’t agree with how he treated me (at all) and I appreciate that. But they also don’t really agree with adoption. Not in an angry way, but just asking me to really think about it.

I don’t really know what else to say. I still don’t ‘feel’ pregnant. It’s hard to explain but that somehow makes this harder to actually deal with this. I know I have to and of course I will, but it’s easy to pretend this isn’t really happening.

Thanks again for all your kindness.

&nbsp;

COMMENTS

Thefirstofherkind > Don't let them talk you out of adoption. You don't want to be tied to an idiot asshole for the rest of your life > > OOP >> Very fair

&nbsp;

---

This is a repost sub. I’m not the Original OP (OOP)

Please remember to follow the subreddit rules, especially the ones about brigading.

Let’s aim for a respectful and friendly discussion for everyone involved.

I 26F and my boyfriend have been dating for three years, almost 4 in February 2027. We moved in together about six months into our relationship, and over the past three years we’ve gotten a dog, gone on vacations, and had major career changes. We’ve had our ups and downs. Marriage has always been something that I bring up often in the relationship. Mainly as jabs or jokes, never a serious conversation. He is the type of person that loves idealizing and thinking about the future, but never have I seen him come up with a concrete plan towards these extravagant ideas like moving out of the country or buying a house together, which I would love to do once we are married. He’s also talked about kids, but I’ve made it extremely clear that I’m not gonna be a baby mama. I want to be your wife and the mother of your kids. He is everything I have wanted in a man. He cooks. He cleans. He’s a gentleman, and when things are good between us, they’re genuinely good.

Recently, I’ve had the realization that these vague ideas of the future worry me. I feel like I’ve spent all of my early 20s on a relationship that seems to be stagnant. I really don’t want to spend another three years without having a concrete plan. A couple nights ago, I decided to bring it up for the first time in a more serious tone. And I was mortified by his reaction. We were driving home one night from my parents’ house, and something in me decided it’s time to ask. I very calmly said, “Is proposing something you’re thinking about doing soon, or is that just not on your mind right now?” He became defensive, and the conversation escalated. He said things like:

• When the time is right, the time is right

• If you keep asking, it’s never going to happen

• Even if I was going to propose, I wouldn’t tell you

The last one was the one that broke me and shut down the conversation for the night:

“You get a ring when you fcking deserve it.”

After that, we got home and got ready for bed. He tried being affectionate, like cuddling, but I was still extremely upset and unwilling to continue the conversation.

The following day, I was off from work, and what he said the previous night had been echoing in my head all day. I needed an actual answer. The conversation needed to have a resolution. I anxiously cleaned the whole house. Went and got groceries and made dinner. I had decided that with how the conversation escalated the previous night, maybe I should have a go bag. I decided to write all my feelings down to ensure that this conversation wouldn’t blow up in my face again. I wanted to do everything in my power to avoid him getting defensive. I basically told him what he said about deserving a ring devastated me. That I wasn’t expecting a proposal date. That I need to know we’re genuinely moving towards marriage. If there are any issues that are holding him back from actually going through with the next step. And that I don’t want to keep building my life around someday.

When he finally got home from work, he could tell that something was wrong. Instead of apologizing for what he said, he came up to me, hugged me, kissed me on the cheek, and he said I love you. I adore you and some other sweet nothings in Spanish. Because I was still upset from yesterday, I begrudgingly said I love you too. And he told me that he wasn’t fishing for me to say it back, and that I didn’t need to say it back. We got ready to eat dinner, and after we unwound, it was time to try this conversation again.

The whole day, I was terrified that he was gonna blow up at me, and the moment that I brought my letter out and told him I wrote this down because I wanna make sure that there’s no miscommunication, he sat there and listened. He didn’t try to interrupt me, and by the time I was done with my letter, he stayed quiet for a good two minutes, which felt like an eternity. Eventually, he answered my question: someday down the road. He said marriage is on his list of priorities, but isn’t at the top nor at the bottom particularly. I asked him what priorities are ahead of it. This is where the conversation went all over the place. He brought up issues like paying certain bills together. Chores. That it’s too soon. He said something about a promise ring? He says that he was considering getting a promise ring for me, but an argument happened, and then he reconsidered. He never really specified or explained what argument made him reconsider getting a promise ring, and then he said something along the lines of, next time I’ll make sure that we look at promise rings together. And then he also complained about how I always ruin surprises. And then he asked me, “Who put this idea in your head?” I explained that we started dating when I was 22. Now I’m 26, and I don’t want to spend the rest of my 20s in a relationship that’s not heading towards marriage. He immediately asked me whether I wanted to explore more? And I clarified to him that no, basically the opposite, and that this is technically the longest relationship I’ll have after year four. Then he tried to one-up me by saying that his longest relationship was seven.

He did eventually apologize for what he said and how he said it. And I asked him directly whether he understood where I was coming from. He looked at the floor and then looked me straight in the eyes and said, “Yes, I do.” Eventually, we got ready for bed and went to sleep.

I love this man, but some part of me can’t completely forgive him for what he said. A bigger part of me is worried I’m letting myself be stuck in a relationship where I’m not gonna end up getting the ending that I want. I don’t need a proposal tomorrow or even in the next year, and the reality is that he can’t truly tell me when. I’m considering having a mental deadline that if by our four-year anniversary, I don’t even see movement towards that future, then I might need to end it. Am I overreacting?

I’d also really like to hear from people who were in long-term relationships where one person was ready for engagement before the other. What did the time before engagement actually look like? Did you have a concrete plan, or was it vague until it happened? At what point does waiting become wasting your time?

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/bnbn89

My GF [27F] often refuses to respect my safe word. How can I once and for all address this issue with her?

Originally posted to r/sex

TRIGGER WARNING: >!sexual abuse!<

Original Post  June 14, 2016

Throwaway for obvious reasons.

Lilly is my first GF and we've been together for two years now. For the most part it's been great. After a while we started discussing what we're into sexually and after some exploring it turns out I like pain and being restrained and some other jazz. It gets pretty rough but I usually enjoy it.. being whipped with a belt, scratched and tying me up.

The problem is there are times when I use our safe word (Spumoni) when she's using the belt on my back, or when she's tied me up and I need the restraints loosened. She just keeps going or says just another few minutes, or sometimes pretends not to hear me at all.. it hurts a lot with this stuff and that extra time turns it from pleasure to pain which i can't enjoy. She usually says a half sorry but sometimes tells me 'I'm her's'.. i know I'm submissive in the bedroom with her but that to me is too much.

So.. how do I really stop this? its at a point where I feel anxious on a regular basis which is draining. I'm also starting to resent this woman who has taught me so much and given 2 great years so I don't want to end it.. just fix it. Thanks for any advice

RELEVANT COMMENTS

s_e_x_throwaway

>Cut her off. No more BDSM until she learns to respect your safeword. Consent is the ONLY thing separating BDSM from abuse. She's abusing you.

OOP

>>My dad used to abuse me.. so associating that word with my gf just feels so wrong, but I suppose you're right. I'll speak to her when she gets home. Thank you

maelstrom197

>>>It's definitely abuse. Ignoring the safe word suggests she is putting her own enjoyment before your comfort, which is wrong.

~

ijfuego

>Is this her first go around being dominant and stuff? Was she inexperienced before you? I get where everyone is coming from about dumping her, but it's entirely possible she's ignoring your safe word because she thinks you want her to. If she's doing this stuff for the first time, she really has no way of knowing where the line is, or how to distinguish a genuine withdrawal of consent (no, or the safe word), from regular sexual bdsm play. If she's had experience with bdsm before then I'm less inclined to trust her. But if you're the one that introduced this universe to her in the first place, I think you owe it to her to make sure she understands what she is doing.

OOP

>>She's fairly experienced sexually, and actually helped guide me when we first started with it so unfortunately that isn't the reason. Also when the safe word was established that was certainly seen as the limit

ijfuego

>>>Ah then she's definitely doing it intentionally and knowingly then. I'd be prepared to dump her

~

jkcoffeehound

> The obvious and clearest solution here for me, would be to dump her. Just like everyone else is saying; consent is what makes BDSM different to abuse and she IS abusing you. However, while I do think the best plan of action here is to dump her or to give up on bdsm with her I can also see how these are suggestions that some people in a committed relationship might not go for. There's a reason abusive relationships can go on for years. For that reason, as the solution I would go for might not be one everyone would take I have a couple alternatives you can try. > > 1) Call the cops. Or at least threaten to. Next time you're getting ready, remind her that you NEED her to respect your safeword and tell her that if she doesn't you're going to call the cops because it's abuse. If she still doesn't stop when you say "Spumoni" then the MOMENT you know that she's ignored you or refused or whatever you tell her you're calling the cops. Be loud, be confrontational, stand your ground and the moment you're free you go get the phone. > > 2)Scream for help. Next time she ignores you, scream the ****ing house down. "Help. Oh, God, help! HELP ME! ET CETERA!" as loud as you can. If the fear of the neighbours hearing doesn't stop her then the neighbours/cops will be over for a visit and you'll have to explain to them what happened. If that happens she's probably going to want to avoid that happening again. > > 3) Don't use restraints you can't get out of yourself. That way, if she does carry on anyway you can untie yourself and force her off you. (Side note: Thanks for causing me to look up "Spumoni". It sounds delicious)

OOP

>>No problem..It is really delicious. I'm going to talk to her assertively later on, the thought of having sex with her at the moment makes my stomach turn so don't think that would be a good idea. Its just she has a way with words and seems to always be able to convince me it either won't happen again, or I wasn't clear enough. I'll try push through it this time Thank you

~

HunkaChunkaCheese

>Holy shit. This is NOT okay. You can't trust her. Honestly? I'd break up over this. You can't trust a person that doesn't respect you when you say STOP, HARD STOP, KNOCK IT OFF. You shouldn't feel anxious on a regular basis, this is your brain's way of screaming at you "LEAVE, ABORT, STOP, GET OUT OF THIS SITUATION." Do you really want to be with a woman who you can't trust? Trust is the most vital part of a relationship, and you can't trust her at all. Also, are you familiar with sunk cost fallacy? Don't think "well, we've been together two years" as some excuse for why you should continue to be together. Just because you've been together a while doesn't mean you have to continue being with her. She is inherently not trustworthy, she is doing things to your body that you do not want done. Switch the genders around, and pretend that a female friend is telling you about how her boyfriend continues doing BDSM stuff even after she has very clearly said her safe word- what would you think then? Do you think she should continue in a relationship like that?

OOP

>>I would advise that friend to leave as soon as she could.. Guess I have some thinking to do. Thank you

Update  June 17, 2016 (3 days later)

This got longer than I thought so there's tldr at the bottom.

A few people asked me for an update on what happened so I thought I’d give one now that I’ve settled down a bit. Also want say a big thank to everyone who responded. I got so much advice and a lot of blunt answers which made me realise things I should’ve seen earlier. And one last thing I’d like to mention before I say what happened; I know I should’ve realised what was happening, but it felt really cloudy as it was going on. I didn’t realise what was happening had been more of a gradual process like her temper, then eventually walking on egg shells to avoid setting her off and finally the issues in the bedroom, (there were so many great things about her as well).

Anyway. a few hours after posting and reading, I knew breaking up was my only option but that scared the shit out of me, so I stalled until morning and tried finding reasons to stay but I couldn’t. I knew if I didn’t do it while it was fresh I wouldn’t be able to leave at at all. I waited until she went to work in the morning and put my stuff in my car (I don’t own a lot of stuff). Then I started writing down what I needed to say which took a while, text her that we need to talk and asked if she could come home for lunch. I know this is dragging on so I’ll try surmise how the rest went; I explained I’ve been uncomfortable with our sex life, her anger issues and then told her I can’t be with her any longer. Her response kind of surprised me; she blamed me for not being a proper sub and respecting her dominance in the bedroom and said she’s going to reduce her temper and we will stay together ect.

This led to some crying and shouting which was awful but I stood firm. Some other stuff happened which I don’t want to go into but I eventually got out and was able to drive off. I think it’s done but I have so many texts and missed calls from her that I’m ignoring. As for the living situation, I was living in her house so no issues with the lease or anything. I’ve managed to sleep a couple of nights in my uni library and think I’ll go home to my mum’s house tomorrow or the next day.

So that’s that it in terms of of our relationship I hope. I know I’ve asked a lot already, but there’s a bit of advice I’d be grateful for. I thought I’d be happy now that I’m free. but I’m sad, embarrassed, feeling angry with myself for being abused by a second person in my life and straight up stupid for not leaving earlier. Also I don’t really feel like much of a man after all this. How can I forget about this and move on?

Tldr: left but feel pretty awful about the whole thing

FINAL COMMENTS

boefs

> "Some other stuff happened which I don’t want to go into but I eventually got out and was able to drive off." > > if she physically abused you, you should definitely go to the police.

OOP

>>To be honest I feel humiliated/exhasuted enough as it is.. reporting her for the sake of being punched a few times just doesn't seem worth it now that I'm out of there

JackKieser

>>>Think of it this way: you're not reporting her for you. You're reporting her for the poor soul she tries punching or abusing in the future

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Reposting because the original BestofRedditorUpdates thread has been deleted.

I am not OP. Originally post by u/gem1n-eye in r/nanny

I am not the original poster of this compilation thread. This was originally posted by u/ABBR-5007 (now deleted).

Reminder - Do not comment on linked posts!

trigger warnings: >!stalking!<

mood spoilers: >!unsatisfying!<

Editors note: MB= Mom/Mommy Boss

Original: I think my MB may be tracking me - Fri, Jan 27, 2023

This is really weird to post, and I feel crazy for even thinking it. But so many weird things have happened over the past month I've been working for this family, I feel like I need a second opinion or someone to tell me if I'm going crazy.

Like I said, I've worked for this family since just before the new year. They have two kids, 2 and 8. I know they have trackers sewn in to the 2 year old's diaper bag and the 8 year old's backpack, she told me about them and I obviously have no issue with that. The kids are great, MB is a single mom who seemed really lovely from our first few meetings.

A few weeks ago, she sent me a text asking if I could come in now because she got called in to work. I lied and said I was in (big city in my state) visiting my sister for the weekend. It was a dumb white lie because I didn't want to be asked during the weekend if she kept being called in, as that has happened multiple times before and I really needed a full weekend to myself. She simply responded "You don't need to lie, I'll find a backup." It definitely gave me super weird vibes and was super embarassing, but I shrugged it off and figured she may have been at Trader Joes earlier in the day when I went, or she saw my car, something like that.

Then this Tuesday, I came in and she was definitely cold towards me. I had been out celebrating a friend's birthday Monday night at a bar, but I nursed one drink the entire night and was never even tipsy. I take showers in the morning and wore clean clothes, so there's no way I smelled like alcohol. But she confronted me and accused me of being hungover, said I reeked of booze, and kept asking if I had a drinking problem because why would I be drinking on a Monday night? I was really put off, and told her the truth, that it was my friend's birthday and I was just out celebrating with her and some other friends and hadn't even drank. She paused for a super long time and just nodded, and left for work like nothing happened. MB is super religious and very vehemently anti-alcohol, but I still feel like it was a weird accusation. I asked my girlfriend when I got home if I smelled like alcohol or anything somehow, and she couldn't smell anything.

Earlier today was the final incident that really cemented this stupid conspiracy theory in my head. I took the bus this morning when I normally take my car because I'm extra broke right now and need to save gas. I got to her house around 10 minutes early, but sat in a little wooded curb area for a while until it was my official time to start.5 minutes before my start time, MB texts me "Have you left yet?? I have a meeting at 10:30." I am NEVER late. I walked in early, and she looked confused. When I mentioned taking the bus, she literally said "Oh that makes sense."

What the hell do I do? I looked all over my car, in my backpack, and in my car's carseat.. I couldn't find anything. Am I overthinking this?

Edit: I just looked with the help from yall, and found an AirTag ductaped to the underside of my car. So, very very creeped out currently. Not sure what to say or do now.

Follow-up on r/LegalAdvice: My employer put an AirTag on my car - Same day

Hi, I'm having some major issues right now. For the full story check my post history, but the gist is that I'm a nanny for a single mom of two. I've only worked with her for about a month, and I knew she was tracking her children's location. After a series of weird comments, people recommended I check my car for AirTags using an Android app, and I found one very well hidden and ductaped under my car.

I am super creeped out. I live in California, what is possible here? Can police do anything? I don't feel safe to confront my boss, and have called out sick today.

Update: Update to employer tracking me - Sat, Feb 04, 2023

If you saw my post from last week, you know I found an AirTag under my car put there by my MB. Sorry for not updating sooner, I've been stressed and busy trying to get another job pretty much all day every day.

So I ended up calling the police. They came to my place and checked out the car, AirTag, etc, and they went and spoke with MB. AirTag was in her name, by the way, I know some people were suggesting it could be someone else (which sadly was a probability for a while because I do have a stalker, only making all of this more stressful).

MB was shocked that I had called the police over the tag and totally tried to gaslight the officers. She said that she put it there to make sure I wasn't speeding and as backup if I lost their bags with the trackers. She also flat out lied and said she had told me, but I must not have been listening. They just gave her a warning, and no further action was taken. I honestly don't think they really took my concern seriously. If anything, they seemed to side with her perspective. So that's awesome. Sarcasm.

I'm obviously not working for her anymore, and have blocked her phone number because she was belittling me over calling the police over "her keeping her children safe." On to the next job I guess. Anyone with advice on how to warn other nannies in my area is appreciated.

---

REMINDER: I am not the original poster of these threads or this BestOfRedditorUpdates compilation

DO NOT COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS. I am NOT OP. Original post by u/Patient-Sundae897 in r/whatdoIdo

Trigger warnings: >!Childhood sexual abuse, childhood trauma and torture, C-PTSD, depression, suicidal ideation, panic attacks, emotional neglect, mental health crisis!<

Mood spoilers: >!Infuriating, everyone needs therapy!<

Editor's disclaimer: This is a long ride, so buckle up. The comments contain important details.

_

Original Post: August 12, 2026

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. What do I do about this?

WE have a solid marriage and got together in our mid 20s. I would say we both made it. I am an accountant and he made it very far in his career (Senior VP) . He has a complicated past. Emigrated here but was born and raised in a country from the Former Soviet bloc, in an orphanage. he used to tell me the conditions were miserable. Roaches, rats, cold, fear. He was r.. aped at 6.

And he dated this girl. They were both in high school, both unwanted abandoned children.

They befriended when they were 8 and 9, were separated and then reunited some years later. dated since she was 15 and he was 16 for one year and a half and separated again.

I will not go into too many details but they reconnected now. I wanted to go with him, he didn't really like it but agreed. he said she is just a friend. but when they saw each other and they hugged he started crying. I never saw my rational and emotionally detached husband cry.

he introduced us and we spent some time together and then we returned home and my daughter told me she also saw him crying. She wasn't that lucky, fought with addiction, depression.

my husband has a very busy schedule and today I called his office and his assistant told me that he actually took a whole week off - starting today. He didn't tell me anything and my husband never takes vacation, he is a workaholic and believes no one can do any job if he ain't there. I asked him about it and he said he forgot to tell me. OK, but why a week off?

he said he is very tired.

I then asked if all this has anything to do with that woman and his answer was that it was intrusive from my side that I wanted to join him when he met her and I acted arrogantly and superior. I didn't. He is usually the arrogant one actually. What do I do about this woman

TOP COMMENTS

Weary_Rub_3474:

>Do you believe he planned to spend this week pretending to go to work while hiding his true whereabouts, and perhaps his company? 

>OOP: so today was his first day off. as i said, a week off starting today. and no, today he didn't make it home. he arrived at 6:30 PM as he usually does when works

_

First Update: August 13, 2026 (THE FOLLOWING DAY)

NEW UPDATE: he just left. its evening here, almost bed time and he left. he said he cannot stand me anymore and will go sleep at a hotel room. alone. he sat in the car for like 2 minutes and he was crying.

We talked about it. I asked him if he plans to be with her. He said he doesn't.  he was pretty much calm up until I asked him if he wants to help/support her somehow. Then he snapped and said this is a woman who doesn't need anyone's help, she can make it on her own. He accused me of not having any idea of what they both went through and what an orphanage in the ex communist bloc looked like - because for me losing the keys to the car he bought me is enough to have a meltdown.

we had a heated conversation and I asked him if he would have married her in other circumstances and he said of course. thats what their plan was since they were kids, even before they dated. so... is she the love of your life? and he said I oversimplify this. he is happy with his family (me and kids) but yes, if the government didn't separate them and made it impossible for some years to get back in touch, through they both tried, he would have married her.

TOP COMMENTS

Careless_Welder_4048:

>And you are going to take this bs??

>OOP: I don't know what I will do. I said in my original post we have a solid marriage because I genuinely felt its solid. We had no big conflicts, no cheating involved, we both love sports and doing outdoor activities to stay in good shape. we did have some tensions through regarding raising children. I said in my house children are not shouted at, punished,  shamed and intimidated. While he said feeling shame from time to time is a good thing because otherwise they will never take accountability for anything. anyway education was the only thing we ever fought about. if he was frustrated or irritated enough he would raise his voice at them for silly reasons like: i already told you drop the volume on TV - I don't want traumatised kids. you can tell them in a kind voice to lower the volume. and I did tell him: I do understand you have trauma, but why you want to do the same thing that was done to you to your kids. and he acted offended that I am out of touch with reality.

OOP - comments:

>New update: he just left. its evening here, almost bed time and he left. he said he cannot stand me anymore and will go sleep at a hotel room. alone. he sat in the car for like 2 minutes and he was crying. no ultimatum, I just cried. and he also said, when I told him he will lose the kids, that I can keep them. Update: HE just returned and went straight to bed. He said hello but that was it

(Editor's note: Redditors discuss whether H is an awful human being or OOP is an unreliable and manipulative narrator.)

_

Second Update: August 15, 2026 (2 DAYS LATER)

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. UPDATE It's over probably. He will leave me

As I said he spent some time (night and day) at a hotel. He returned and I immediately asked if he was with her. He said he wasn't. He was getting drunk in a hotel room alone (he said I can go and ask if I want). He was honest with me I believe and for the first time he opened up and said he has been on anti depressants since 2025 and thought of ending it all (not our marriage, his life). He said he hates his life and all he has it's work.  I started crying because what is my role and even more important the role of his children. I didn't even say ours, I said YOUR children and he told me he never felt those are his children.

I lost it at that point. We are textbook definition of "her genes didn't even try". Both, son and daughter have light brown hair, blue eyes, pale skin, are tall and lean like him. and he said he didn't mean it like that and he knows biologically the children are his and he never had any doubts. But he cannot connect with them and never could and then added that he never really connected with anyone. And his children are exactly what he hated while being a kid himself. spoiled  brats that think they are better than anyone else because they got the right parents. he never got to raise his children and admitted that maybe he was never fitted for it or for marriage or any kind of family. he admitted he has terrible nightmares and had them for years. he said he lied 2 times to me about going on a business trip (he is a senior VP) he actually went to a hotel, alone, because he couldn't stop the panic attacks and he didn't want me to know.

i asked him if he cheated on me with this woman, now. and he said he did not. I am hurt and angry. I should never have married him and give my children such a father. He knew who I am, who he is marrying, what family he marries into. he had to ruin us. Also, I admit our children are spoiled, but they are not spoiled in that bad way. they are not mean to others, they do not bully anyone. they are just... a bit superficial

_

Third Update: August 17, 2026 (AFTER 2 DAYS)

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. UPDATE

I took my children (16M and 14F) , my parents and my daughter's boyfriend to a resort in the mountains as we all needed to unwind and he left god knows where. we had a call today and I put him on speaker and I told him he is on speaker so didn't hide and asked him to tell us if he ever loved us. need to clarify: just me and the kids were there, not my parents. And he hung up. there is my answer and my children understood too. they were mature enough not to make a scene. but as my daughter said: we have each other. grandparents, cousins, uncles. he has no one, he will be alone when he leaves us for good to chase a fantasy.

I admit I made mistakes in my marriage, in the way I raised children but the biggest one was chasing obsessively a man that never wanted me. I will need therapy too

TOP COMMENTS

FormSuccessful1122:

>That is NOT a question you should have asked in front of your kids. Jesus.

>OOP: Dad said they will have a talk with him when we return to see to see if he can convince him to look for help and stay with us. I didn't want to, but Dad said he will do it for his grandkids. he blocked Dad's number. He didn't want me to post my daughter on social media. I am also against deep cleavage at her age or hair dye but make up and painting nails? he is against her having this boyfriend

OOP - exposing their kids:

>maybe but I am done covering for him. I am done pretending in front of everyone he is a family man. and its painful because he said he wanted to live with her (with the mentioned ex) in a small house, just the 2 of them, no other people, no children, just the 2 of them. he said he hates this career (he acts like he lives for his job so it was so shocking for me to hear), he hates wearing a tie everyday, he hates the dress pants, he hates meetings. he wanted a quiet rural life and that was their plan. he told me to find another father for our kids. like he really wants to just give up on them, do not contribute financially. I told him that he can leave me, but he will pay child support and he laughed. he f. laughed!

OOP - getting help for H:

>he doesn't feel like a father or husband, he never felt like a son. and he used the word intruder. the doctor visited us 2 nights ago. I told him I am worried. I have called his doctor, what else I can do? I tell him I will go with him, he doesn't want me. Why he wants to go there (his home country)

OOP - further update:

>I did take redditors suggestion (but it was hard) and did not ask if he wants to stay with her. but he knew I was thinking about it and said it has nothing to do with her and if it did, he would tell me because he doesn't feel bad at all about reconnecting with someone who was so important to him. but its not about her. she is coupled up it seems. she has a boyfriend and is actively trying to get back in contact with her child (that she left with their father due to depression). it seems this was the main reason they met actually. she needs to pay a very good lawyer to get her child back. she is going back to her home country. he paid for her trip.

>he told me everything about it today. that she actually just searched him on linkedin and this is how they got back in contact. he will pay for her lawyer (and I am fine with that). he showed me her plane ticket. Also he just prolonged his vacation. for another week which made everyone at the company lose their mind because he is needed there but he said they are just being dramatic. he is in a call right now with his assistant and a few direct reports to instruct them what needs to be done. I asked him where he plans to go and he said he wants to go home. where home? and he said he wants to visit that place. the building, the town he grew up in. I said I will go with him and he said no. Also he is not going with her. she lived in another country now

>later edit: he also heard (probably from her but who knows, it seems he still talks to people from his hometown or hired a PI) that his mother died of OD. and he wants to visit her grave. he shouldn't. she rejected him and I believe this might hurt him more

_

Fourth Update: August 19, 2026 (2 DAYS LATER)

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her.  Final update

So first of all, I understand I cannot post here forever but I truly want to share something new because I believe its relevant and many of you gave me advice. If this post is not OK, I will take it down

His assistant called me. She is an older lady who he trusts also on a personal level (she is the only assistant he ever had that he gets along with. the lady is in her early 60s, close to retirement). She called me and said she is aware she is risking her job but she cares for him and wants me to know he needs help. First of all she told me what I already knew ( he is on antidepressants) but many more. He cancelled many of his meetings or simply asked one of his trusted direct reports to represent him because he was having panic attacks and also would say something she didn't understand because it was in Russian. he wasn't talking to her. he had his hands covering his face and when she put her hand on his shoulder he would jump like he got scared or felt in danger.

she also said she caught him once. (she should have been on her lunch break) he had on his phone a photo of a  little boy. but it looked like a real old photo. she didn't see very well as she was behind him but heard him sobbing and walked out. he never knew she heard that and later that day he showed her the photo and said thats him. but he was already in a good mood.

the reason she called me is that she is also worried with these many days off and she said he has 2 extremes at work: either he doesn't care about anything and doesn't do anything, doesn't take calls, declined meeting invitations and so on, even fights and yells at people all the time which brought him 3 HR reports already (he called a 22 years old woman a stoopid barbie and she reported him - well it was brave to be honest, as he is the VP)

I did not tell him anything about this as I don't want to put her job at risk, but I decided to give it another try if he wants to too. I told him I can go to therapy with him and also I am willing to take our children too. they need to know about his past and I apologised for not really allowing him to talk about himself. And he told me its fine, he is not mad at me or at anyone. OK, so therapy? and he said no, he just wants to deal with it himself. SO I don't know what to do, but I begegd him to not go to that place, not alone and not now. he is too vulnerable. and he said he survived it when he was way more vulnerable.

OOP - comments:

>I am aware deep down my son made that comment hoping it will go back to my husband. he wanted to hurt him. our son feels unloved. he always felt unloved by his father and wants to hurt him. he made that comment to hurt my husband. he is selfish, immature, but its not a joke/comment he would make. he is just not the type and when it actually came out, the thing with the girl, he was also horrified.

>my son did something very cruel and I swear I didn't approve that. I shouted at him too, I wanted to slap him that day. he sent an anonymous email to a few internal addresses of the company my husband is the VP of and disclosed his past of SA to humiliate him. We know it was him because the company made a police report (Althoug my husband didn't want it. he knew who sent it anyway. it was our son style) to find the sender. and it was confirmed it was coming from the school library. our son school. and he admitted at home he sent it because my husband also humiliated him nd shouted at him in front of his friends.

>i said i never saw my husband crying. he cried that day and it was probably the day when any hope at a relationship between them died. I couldn't send my son to my parents because it was during school but i was very angry and I cried too and I too never moved on from that one. But he is my son and I love him and want the 2 of them to get along. well i wanted, I guess this family has no future

_

Fifth Update: August 22, 2026 (3 DAYS LATER)

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. update He told me to separate

As I said in the comments we have issues with our kid. Its the third time in 2 years he has been caught with dr...gs by the police. and this time he can face 2 separate issues: consumption and selling them inside school.

My husband refuses to support him, to go with him and to speak on his behalf. I said I will do it but my son said "he wants Dad". But husband will not go.  He is still underage so this should be solved somehow and I understand my husband doesn't want to go (leaving everything else aside he is facing his own difficult time).

and one hour ago he told me he wants to separate. Not a divorce, to separate, stay married and he is fine with me dating whoever I want. This hit me so hard because NO. If you want to leave, fine, but divorce and pay child support for these kids that you also created. And he said OK, he just thought image is important for me but divorce would work too.

But I don't want to divorce actually. I cannot handle my son alone and he made it clear many times he doesn't care what happens with this child (he told me that his biggest regret is bringing him into the world). He bought a plane ticket already to go back to the orphanage he grew up in, where he was SA-ed and everything else (and he wants to do it alone) and then I don't know what will happen.

I asked him if married life doesn't suit him anymore and he said life in general doesn't seem to suit him and never did. that he shouldnt have married me or anyone, shouldn't have had children and should have just focused on his career.

I am pretty overwhelmed myself and don't know what to do, what to focus on. I feel lost

OOP - H/D dynamic:

>I find it perfectly normal that my daughter doesn't want to be exposed to negativity and wants to live a happy life as a child. they do spend some time together. they are both good swimmers and often go swimming together. but he is upset that all she cares about is being popular, have a boyfriend abd being beautiful (like any other girl her age though). and he wants her to read literature, show interest in something serious and all that. well, she is 14, so he will be disapointed. At 14 I was just like that. she doesn't (want to go to college), she wants to be an insta model. no, I do not think it is (a realistic career) but she will grow up and realised by herself. I will not ruin her dreams. he (the husband) doesn't say anything actually

OOP - S's issues:

>he had a fight with our son and it was so so bad that I sent my daughter to my mother because she feared for her brother. they fought due to the dr*g issue thing and my son started telling him how he is the one who should be ashamed, not otherwise because he was born out of violence (he used other words) and how no one loved him or wanted him enough to keep him and he should have d...ied in that orphanage. and my husband hit him. I called Dad to come and help me

>I will not say exactly where I am, this feels too personal. but its western europe. My son called the police to tell them his father slapped him and he really thought he will be arrested. Of course it didn't happen and now my son had a real meltdown and cried and laughed in his face that no one wanted him in this world, that he will give a medal to that man who SA-ed him. This time husband stayed calm and just looked at him. Dad arrived shortly after and he stays now with the boy to calm him down and talk to him

>my husband is sui..cidal because of his childhood, not because of my son (I tried sending him to grandparents but they will not take him due to dr.. gs problem). I think my son is also in some great pain. I think what he says and do is wrong, hurtful and I felt I failed as a parent. But I still love him and think he might be a good kid but very lost

OOP - further update:

>My husband came back and I feel like finally I got some progress. He told me he wants to go there mainly to take care of his mother' grave. he saw photos of it and its in a cemetery corner, with a small wooden cross, vegetation took control and no one puts any flowers or candles on it. So he talked to someone already to make a marble stone and put concrete on the grave so that will stop vegetation from taking over.

>so i guess, the possibility of offing himself because he goes there I believe is not really that likeable. (...) I am supportive and I think he feels it because he actually wanted to show me what he wants to do and found also an older lady who lives in the proximity of the cemetery. he will be sending her money every month so she puts flowers on the grave and light a candle from time to time. but he needs to deal with the vegetation first and the stone.

>but he also mentioned he has some power now and will try to find out what happened to other kids he grew up with, especially other victims of that guardian. honestly he has power within the company he works for, I don't see how much that power can help in this but maybe he meant money. because he said people there are very corrupted and he knows how to talk to them

_

Sixth Update: August 27, 2026 (5 DAYS LATER)

My 40F husband 43M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. UPDATE - its over for good

We had a few better days, I actively listened to him about his plans of returning to the orphanage he grew up in, fixing his mother's grave, finding what happened to the other kids that were abused just like him.

and today he told me that he didn't change his mind about divorce. He said he will be paying as much child support as needed and whatever our daughter (just daughter, not the son) will need. He apologised to me for all these years and said I was right: he cannot connect with people. And we have discussed about our beginning. I was the one chasing him to the point it was an obsession that kept me awake at night. He was pushing me away. but I invited him to spend the christmas with me and my huge family and for him it was a first. he always spent these holidays alone. And said that he started to believe this is what he needs: a wife, in laws, children.

he also considers stepping down from his position as the senior VP.  He said he is tired, exhausted and only discussed this with his assistant for now (So the assistant knew before me, great). She is an older lady and cannot find another job very easy. Normally if the VP changes she will be the assistant to that one, but she doesn't want to work with anyone else. He said she is like a mother to him and wants to help her find something better before he steps down.

I asked him OK... What is the plan? Divorce me, give up on your career. What's next? And he said he has no idea yet. Next week he is leaving for his trip and said we will talk more when he return. he has issues with HR already because he is volatile and shouts, also doesn't join important meetings because "who cares anyway"?", called a female intern "stupid barbie" and he either yells, doesn't give a damn and ignores meetings he has to join aaand based on what his assistant told me "sobs" (he looked at a photo of himself when he was 6 and cried

I cannot accept this, I cannot believe this, I don't want this to be real. I need him, our children need him. He promised its not another woman and again apologised he "Wasted" 2 decades of my life

_

Seventh Update: August 31, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

My 40F husband 44M reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and didn't want me to go with him to meet her. UPDATE He left

So today he left in his home country to take care of his mother who abandoned him grave and to see the orphanage he grew up in (also in which he was SA-ed at 6 and neglected and bathen in cold water, but if he thinks it will help, he knows better). I demanded to know when he is coming back as our son has legal issues and his presence might be very much needed and he said he trusts me to handle this by myself. My Dad got very upset with him and called him and accused him of running from responsibility. I tried to stop him but I couldn't

He has some weird crazy ideas that me and my family do not approve of but our children are not aware of them. So he said that he wants to support financially some young adults from our previous neighbourhood that need money for college and do not have resources. He wants to also donate locally to some elementary school. Which OK, I wouldn't mind that much but he plans to divorce me, he also considers stepping back from his senior VP position. He said that doesn't have to mean leaving the company and he didn't make up his mind anyway yet.  I am concerned about the future of my kids. Like if you will throw money at strangers and you also consider stepping down from a very high paid job, what will remain for your own kids? and he said: enough.

but its like... this feels like revenge and spite. I told him it kinda feels predatory especially if he will also plan to support young women. he plans to ask for what in return? he didn't even answer me.

So, I couldn't stop him from leaving. I hope he will be fine. I talked to his assistant again and she told me how emotional he gets nowadays with her. he is volatile and yells and can intimidate people but she just asked him whether he is cold and brought him some sweater (the air conditioning at the office is crazy) made by her years ago and he had tears in his eyes. its like everyone is better in his eyes than me, everyone can get to him but not me. for 20 years...

_

Eighth Update: September 02, 2026 (2 DAYS LATER)

Husband 45M reconnected with his first girlfriend and doesn't want me to go with him. New update

I do feel I am spiralling and honestly i don't want to talk to anyone close to me. I built our image carefully and I don't want pity nor "friends" gossip. Also my mother puts a lot of pressure on me. She said I need to make him come back, I cannot divorce, I have to keep the family complete

We had a longer talk today, I begged him, really begged him to not leave me, to stay with me. I will do anything for him. I will change every thing. but he doesn't want  to consider anything else.

We talked about kids and he said so many things in our children's life made him remember his own childhood. He gave an example. When our daughter was a bit emotional at kindergarten, we were informed, we were asked if all is good with her. And he said all he could think about in those moments were that he was never asked anything, by anyone. He was SA-ed (he speaks so rarely about this and its even rare that he says it out loud, at 6 and he had to deal with everything himself. he couldn't tell anyone, no one would have cared, he had no one to comfort him and it happened several times. He said he never got a hug until he met this woman (they were both kids when met at the orphanage). He said he feels bad for saying this but he envied his children. 

As for that woman he said to relax, all she wants is to get her kid back and possibly her partner back. she needs him for the money for a good lawyer (For those who didn't read the O post, my husband is a senior VP at a big company). As for my : I cannot live without you he said: you will have to learn. I can't do this anymore. He hasn't decided yet about his career, but has problems with HR for shouting at subordinates, not attending important meetings and showing a general lack of interest whenever he is not yelling at someone

OOP - comments:

>He was SA-ed at 6. He is 45. I don't say its not a huge deal but he didn't think about it for most part of his life, he looked happy and never really mentioned it. why would it start bothering him now? i feel its just that he wants to leave me and he is actually depressed about something else. its been a very long time since it happened and as I said, he acted like he forgot about it. i barely remember anything from that age. he said he blames himself because he trusted the guardian that he wants to give him food and toys. they were fed poorly there and there was no such thing as gifts for holidays. I never knew what to tell him. so i usually just said something about my own childhood or changed the topic

_

Ninth Update: September 06, 2026 (4 DAYS LATER)

Husband went for a trip to his home country and he is not coming back. I have 2 kids  (this is the update for my husband reconnecting with his childhood friend)

He spent almost a week in his home country in eastern europe, went to the building of the orphanage he grew up, fixed his mother's grave and now he is coming home, but not home - home. Just he will be back in the city and plans to pick up some clothes and then check himself in a hotel room. I didn't want him to return there, he was  bathed in cold water, SA ed at 6 (he also tried to dig to see what happened to that guardian who did it to him luring him with food and toys)

I am devastated. I don't want him to leave me but he won't change his mind about the divorce. I am open for everything. I will send our  son over to my parents for how long it takes if his presence upsets my husband. I will not say a word about his childhood friend he reconnected with. If he wants to pay the lawyer so she can take her child back, I will not object. I know he hated big family events, I am open to never ever throw any party. He will not go to therapy and is happy with taking the treatment for depresion from his doctor. I am really really open for anything, just to make him stay.

My mother is on my side, that this marriage should and could be saved (2 decades), but my Dad is angry. He yelled at me while I was crying that it was a terrible mistake that I brought this "lost cause nutcase" in this family, he accused me of robbing my children of the opportunity to have a normal father because for him it was clear from day 1 that my now husband is not mentally stable. he said its not normal that he needs to be told to smile or to touch/hug his own children. He said its all my fault and wants me to just divorce him already. 

Kids were present but please trust me it was not my fault this time. I called my mother crying and she came with my father without informing me. kids refused to leave. Son doesn't care, daughter cries that she doesn't want to be mocked by her friends for not having a Dad. 

I am lot and scared. My husband is a senior VP and tomorrow he already starts work so I guess I could go to the office because I have no idea where he will be. Or will I ruin the situation more?

OP - comments on her compromises to avoid divorce:

>I will send my son to my parents, he will not have to see him

>he can do that (help the childhood friend). he can bring her to live with us at this point, if it means he will stay. she had 2 children. one passed due to her past addiction and the second one was taken legally by the father also due to her issues. she wants to take the child back (if it will not work to go back to her partner and live as a family).

OOP, - further update:

>he did open to me a bit over the call today. he said he tried to find out what happened to the guardian that r..ped him several times when he was 6 (not only him). the guy died at a pretty old age, with family and was never punished for anything. He cried over the phone and said its like his life and the other kids's life has no value. He did it because they were no one's children and he knew no one will defend or care or fight for them. He also told me he felt a lot of shame. now only anger and bitterness that there was no justice. he wondered how many kids ended up in a early grave because of what he did and what other did to them.

(Editor's note: OOP came back 4 days after the last post, and dropped the following bomb on the comments section...)

>OOP: i just saved my marriage actually. We had a long talk and he is not going to divorce me

>ValGal07: This breaks my heart. This poor man deserves so much better than you and your children.

>OOP: he thinks otherwise. He is at work now but is back home and he realised he doesn't want to lose the only family he ever had. he even apologised to us, so he must know it wasn't all right

>Tipsy_Game: Apologized for what? So the next post will be more of you being a victim with your husband being the bad guy? Not your shitty father?

>OOP: for causing a lot of suffering for our daughter, not even for me. for his daughter. She came home from school earlier and felt very sick. She told him that she suffers because she is scared he will leave her and she feels unloved by him and abandoned. she said she is ashamed and hopes no one will ever know her Dad was SA-ed because its just messed up and stuff like that. she told him that she likes that people see him confident and strong and a top executive and she doesn't want people to know that he was r...ped and mock her so she was very angry with her brother

>she kind of feels it was my husband's fault because he believed that man will give him toys and food. but with her I did discuss this and told her it was not his fault. she is basically ashamed of what happened to him. and she said she doesn't want to be laughed at. she had a classmate that was laughed at because her father was a drunk and would post thirsty comments

>No_Alfalfa_9541: She made his trauma about embarrassing her?! He sounds like he is actually a good guy, trying to do the right thing, but he needs to get TF away from all of you!

>OOP: yes, but I had a talk with her about it

>IAmGroot6936: Did you use your child to emotionally manipulate your husband into changing his mind and staying with you?

>OOP:  I did not. My daughter talked to him and begged him to stay. And things are back to normal. He goes to work, we even were intimate tonight after a long time. we organised (he agreed, I asked him if he wants to) a short family trip on weekend. me, him, our daughter (son will not be present), my parents and my cousin with her husband. when we hold events we have around 20, 25 people invited. so this is really just us, my family which is his family too and everyone loves him

>No_Alfalfa_9541: No! Your family should NOT be going! Your dad clearly doesn't like him, but you keep steam rolling over this poor man and his feelings. Also, is hubby paying for everyone, or just you 3?

>OOP: just for us 3. Dad doesn't like him and didn't like him from the very beginning but he tried his best for me

>No_Alfalfa_9541: Then why the hell is dad going?!

>OOP: to keep an eye on him and he told him this in his face. I am his daughter and he wants to protect me. Dont worry, my husband is not some soft innocent guy. He puts people in their place all the time at work

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Tenth Update: September 12, 2026 (6 DAYS LATER)

My 44M husband reconnected with his first ever girlfriend and did not want me 40F to go with him  UPDATE

So as an update he did change his mind after all and we are not going to divorce. Our daughter begged him to stay and cried that she feels abandoned. He returned HOME and we share the bed again , he returned to work and he will not step down from his senior VP position. We organised a weekend trip but didn't go after all because he felt unwell.

He admitted to me he has been very suici..al, but refuses therapy. he is on antidepressants but they made him feel worse. He will change his doctor as its obviously not the right one. I will help him with this. I personally don't know any but I have a psychotherapist friend and she will find one for him.

Those who told me I keep bringing up a lot his SA and r... ape from back when he was 6 years old and lived in that orphanage, its something he admitted to me started obsessing him in the past year. He thinks about it a lot, how he let that guardian trick him with food and toys. Fortunately it seems he is not even really talking to that girlfriend from the orphanage. he will help her pay for the lawyer and everything and I have nothing against it.

I will try to see how we can fix the issue with my son and yeah, will need to make some drastic changes. First thing first, my husband needs a better doctor

OOP, on the comments section:

>and I also think he should have never returned to his home country. Never! he also told me he had a friend there, a male friend this time and that boy was literally carrying him when my husband broke his leg - because no one cared enough to provide long term medical attention. he was carrying him, making sure he eats and no one steals his food. and he found out the boy actually passed. overdose

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Eleventh, and Last, Update: September 15, 2026 (3 DAYS LATER)

My 44M husband reconnected with his first girlfriend and did not want me 40F to go with him UPDATE

I am not asking now what to do but want to offer a general update and people were asking me what do I plan to change, so here it is.

I did step back with my daughter. I allowed him to parent her. It went terribly. Shouting from his side, threats, from her side crying and shouting too. He wants her to stop seeing her boyfriend in private and in front of her I supported him. I trust her but I want to change things in my marriage so I will support him more when it comes to his rules. She is 14 after all. he asked her to change her whole wardrobe and dress for her age. Also he kinda cut off her money supply, which I also agreed with. 

Our son is back home but my husband and him are total no contact. 

At my husband's request I agreed to set up rules with my parents, cousins and other close family members. No one is allowed to come without asking if its OK first. We will reduce the number of big family dinners and lunches.  My mother is fine with this, my Dad called him controlling psycho so we will see how and when will this go but I am willing to try

I asked him to keep me up to date regarding that girlfriend of his from the orphanage. I am willing to be more tolerant. they grew up together, took care of each other, suffered together and celebrated together. But I don't want him to walk out the room if she is calling him. He is helpign her with money to pay for everything needed to take her child back under her custody.

I encouraged him to not step back from his senior VP position and to be more careful. he called a young intern or student a stupid barbie. These are serious things and he cannot yell and shout at everyone just because he is unhappy. he is facing HR issues right now and he needs to be more careful

TOP COMMENTS

imaginations1000:

>Oh funny how now you arent mentioning, that he supposedly hit your daughter? So it was a lie lol. Now you try a neutral approach to win people over to your side.

>OOP: he did slap her and hard. I don't understand what is so hard to believe this. I mentioned in my third or forth post that my husband slapped our son too. he was asking her to see her gallery (photo gallery in phone) and saw stuff that he didn't want to tell me about. he wanted her to delete them all and she wouldn't and stuff like that. he deleted the photos himself. but did not tell me exactly what it was. said its between them

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(Editor's last note: OOP's last posts were removed by moderation, and she was banned from the sub. Afterwards, she stated she'd continue to provide updates on her profile going forward. Currently, OOP's account is suspended.)

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